To give up on breastfeeding

(66 Posts)
Humiliated1 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:27:13

My DS is 7 months old and I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable BF him at my in laws, my MIL has made it clear she thinks its a bit perverse and that he will be perverted by it and my FIL just wants to know when I'm going to move on to 'proper' milk. I know they're wrong but am just so worn down by it all

Fancies40Winks Sat 03-Aug-13 19:29:15

Can't you give up on your crappy in-laws instead?

Humiliated1 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:30:28

Oh how I wish..

CheeseFondueRocks Sat 03-Aug-13 19:31:10

YABU to give up because of you in-laws!

If you want to stop for yourself, fine but don't do it because these idiots are stupid and ignorant. Just don't go there anymore.

Fancies40Winks Sat 03-Aug-13 19:31:52

Do you live with them? Otherwise I would just avoid them. Feeding your baby is the most natural thing in the world, they're the ones with the issue.

Fairylea Sat 03-Aug-13 19:32:52

I never breastfed but the problem here is not breastfeeding it's your inlaws! How rude of them!

I'd not be going round again.

Like Cheese said, YABU to give up because of them!

My MIL always tried to very gently suggest DS3 breastfeeding should 'stop soon' - I ended up doing it till he was about 15 months, only bedtime feeds from about 12 months.

I find a blank stare and and incredulous 'he's a baby' works quite well if anything negative is said!

Famzilla Sat 03-Aug-13 19:34:22

YABVU to put your IL's ridiculous, ignorant and wrong prejudices above the health of your child. Tell them to fuck the fuck off, and when they get there fuck off again.

Unless you want to quit, then do what you want.

pointythings Sat 03-Aug-13 19:34:46

YANBU to be upset, but YWBU to give up something that is so good for your baby just because your ILs are ignorant twats. I'd just tell them very firmly 'my baby, my way'. Your OH needs to stand up for you as well.

Dackyduddles Sat 03-Aug-13 19:35:34

Do you want to stop? Truly?

If so great.

If not tell them to back OFF

beepoff Sat 03-Aug-13 19:37:10

Your in laws are fools. It's your duty to re-educate them by feeding your son as long as you'd like. In fact I'd do it to make THEM feel uncomfortable.

Winter123 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:39:07

Famzilla, very eloquently put! That's what I would say!

Don't let someone else dictate when you should stop breast feeding your baby! It's your baby, your choice.

And what do they mean by proper milk?!

OHforDUCKScake Sat 03-Aug-13 19:44:20

There was a photo doing the rounds on facebook with a tiny monkey feeding from its mum. Underneath it said "my mums friend told her to put me on zebra milk."

Ridiculous but absolutely no different from what your in laws are expecting of you.

I would simply not feed in front of them. If you are pressured to see the, often and can truly not change that, then go upstairs away from them and feed the baby, dont even tell them what you are doing.

Honestly, I think you would BU to stop something that is utterly perfect and amazing for your babys body, system, immunity, gut, brain and more besides, just because your in laws are uneducated tossers.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Sat 03-Aug-13 19:46:42

I could have written this exact post 6 years ago (god I feel old now!). When I was breastfeeding DD my in laws made lot of horrible comments. They insinuated I was starving her (despite her being perfect weight for length) as I didn't know exactly how many Ounces of milk she was having. They said I was ruining her relationship with her Daddy. etc.
I learned that when I stopped listening to the comments (just said "If you say so" to all they said) the comments slowed down and stopped.
I am glad I didn't let them put me off. I breastfed till DD was 2 years old in the end (as that was when we were both ready to stop).
With DS there were very few comments about how I chose to feed him. I think they realised that despite my insistence on breastfeeding DD is a Daddy's girl, and therefore their thinking was flawed.

Please don't let their comments put you off. You should feed for as long as you want to.
Good Luck xx

FrogsGoWhat Sat 03-Aug-13 19:47:13

Yeah absolutely right to give your son milk from another species - a herbivorous, not very intelligent species at that - rather than his own species milk, just because it makes 2 people uncomfortable.

Give up if you want to - for you - NOT for them!

RappyNash Sat 03-Aug-13 19:48:07

If I had in laws like that I'd feed my dc for as long as possible just to piss them off.

Do you want to stop?

Humiliated1 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:49:34

I don't want to stop but we are around them a lot of the time and it is wearing, I'm quite shy so find the constant reference to it being somehow wrong v embarrassing. I'm always discreet when I do it and I think 'proper' milk is formula

DontSweatTheSmallStuff Sat 03-Aug-13 19:51:43

Just tell FIL straight. "He's on proper milk now"
For MIL , rolling eyes and saying""don't be ridiculous"

both to be said in tone of voice that suggests they have just said something incredibly stupid (which they have)

Failing that, what Famzilla suggested grin

Humiliated1 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:53:28

I am laughing picturing their faces if I told them to fuck the fuck off

AidanTheRevengeNinja Sat 03-Aug-13 19:54:10

What Famzilla said, perfectly.

I think you AND your DP need to sit down and sort this out with them. They don't need to agree with it, but they need to respect it. What other parenting decisions are they going to pressure you to make against your will and better judgment?

It is your choice .

Winter123 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:54:22

OP, I don't mean to be rude about your in laws but I think they are very poorly educated to think formula milk is proper milk for a baby. I think they are being very very rude to you and it's borderline bullying. If you feel you cant talk to them, could you ask DH to talk to them and explain how uncomfortable it's making you?

Jan49 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:54:27

Do you have a partner? Can he talk to them about it?

pianodoodle Sat 03-Aug-13 19:54:28

If you wanted to stop fine but don't let yourself be worn down by what other people think. If you stop because of their pressure you could eventually feel very resentful about it.

Perverse my arse. Proper milk my arse. I carried on with bf for 18 months and have friends who did for much longer. Never had to spend a penny on formula as just started introducing a wee cup of whole milk here and there when DD turned one and gradually replaced some nurses.

I'd ignore them completely and do whatever you feel happy with!

mrslyman Sat 03-Aug-13 19:55:19

How often do you go to your in-laws at 7 months you may well be coming to the stage where you can organise a visit around feeds which may make life a little easier.

Other than that respond to their comments, with a pinch o her chubby thighs and a sarcastic yes she's clearly starving comment and then just look puzzled at suggestions you need to use proper milk, because you are using proper milk.

Easier said than done though I basically gave up feeding both DSes in front of people after about 6 months.

AidanTheRevengeNinja Sat 03-Aug-13 19:58:15

And of course it would be just as bad if your MIL was pressuring you to breastfeed against your wishes, before this thread goes down the breast v formula route. You'll be setting a precedent here if you bow to the pressure, and not a good one.

What does your DP think about all this, by the way? Is he supporting you?

Does he even take a bottle? I tried to give DS a bottle of expressed at that age and he point blank refused.

FobblyWoof Sat 03-Aug-13 20:00:50

When I saw the title I was all ready to say that if it was too hard and you were putting yourself under tons of pressure and making yourself miserable then maybe yanbu, but I'm afraid if I had your in laws I'd be doing it way way longer just to spite them and their idiotic ideas.

Your response when mil suggests it's perverse should be "oh, I didn't realise you bf Dh" grin grin grin

gamerchick Sat 03-Aug-13 20:01:57

I agree, if you stop because of these reasons then you may feel bitter about it later on.

I got lots of comments from family but I still carried on till he was 3 1/2. My favourite retort was raised eyebrow 'why would I want to feed him synthesised cows milk' in 'that'

LilacPeony Sat 03-Aug-13 20:03:42

Could you get your husband to ask if they prefer you and your baby to stay away until you have finished breastfeeding as you have no plans to give up yet as your GP and health visitor have advised you to continue for the foreseeable. They can then either suck it up or you get to stay away. Hopefully they will say they prefer you to stay away so you get a break from them.

gamerchick Sat 03-Aug-13 20:04:02

Tone of voice.

Your baby, your choice.. Tell them if they keep on about it you'll carry on for years.

Really your bloke should be saying something.

pianodoodle Sat 03-Aug-13 20:05:41

Personally I'd tell them to shut their stupid mouths with their nonsense and laugh openly at their "perverse" suggestions. I'd also ask FIL why he wants to know and why he thinks it might somehow be any of his business?!

That approach might not be to your taste though - but could you get your DH to tell them?

I hate it when people can't just accept that things are not always fixed, times changes, attitudes change and move on!

My mum didn't bf me or my sister (it wasn't encouraged as much) but was amazed and fascinated to see me doing it and really interested. She didn't get all arsey just because it wasn't as popular when she gave birth she thought it was "like magic" grin

Amy106 Sat 03-Aug-13 20:05:54

Wow...just wow. What you are doing is best for their grandchild. You would think they would be cheering you on, not bullying you with stupid comments designed to make you feel bad. If you want to breast feed, you should breast feed, in their presence if you want to or somewhere else in the house if it makes you feel better to be away from them. Or don't go over there if they are going to treat you this way. And your husband needs to defend your choices and tell them to back off and just stop it. Good luck with this. So sorry to hear you are being treating this way. It isn't right and it isn't fair.

chipmonkey Sat 03-Aug-13 20:06:16

MIL used to go on and on like this! What was really annoying was that SIL ff and when her dd was 12 weeks old and colicky, MIL asked "could you not breastfeed?"

I used to say "But he's not two yet?" with an incredulous look as if everyone bf till at least 2. When he was actually 2, they had stopped asking and I continued for another 8 months!

sameoldIggi Sat 03-Aug-13 20:07:43

I would not be keen to spend so much time around people who were so disrespectful to me. Is it your choice to see them so much? Can you get your dh to have a word, saying to them they are making you uncomfortable and if they want you to keep visiting they need to stop?

It is very, very hard but laughing it off with a "proper milk?? Ha ha!" Might be easiest or what about the mumsnet classic "do you mean to be so rude?"
Fwiw I fed ds1 till he turned two when he gave up of his own accord, and he has shown zero interest in my (or anyone's!) boobs since, and no interest either when I'm feeding his baby brother. Perverted my arse.

CheshirePanda Sat 03-Aug-13 20:09:30

Why don't you quote some of the official guidelines on breastfeeding, such as the World Health Organisation, who I believe recommend BFing until 2 years old. Or say that you raised their concerns with the Health Visitor, Gp or whatever, who said that BF is best for baby and mother. perhaps a few snide comments about their views being tragically out of date too? Or perhaps that's just me being bitchy. I tend to preface statements with " yes, current medical thinking is xxx, it's so different from years ago". This tends to nip any retorts in the bud...

maddening Sat 03-Aug-13 20:10:28

Tell dh to step in and tell his parents that if they don't stop with the comments then he will dramatically reduce visits and they will only take place in between feeds.

Xiaoxiong Sat 03-Aug-13 20:11:44

YWBU if you cave into their disgraceful pressure. (I would say the same if they were pressuring you to BF and you wanted to FF instead.)

DS is 19 months and I've had raised eyebrows from certain corners since he was a year old. As far as I'm concerned I fought to establish BFig and now it's working for me and DS they can all fuck right off - we'll keep going as long as DS wants to. He's down to a 2 min feed/cuddle every morning but that was his choice (and mine, a bit - have done the don't offer/don't refuse method since he was old enough to ask for mama milk).

Your ILs can take a running jump.

thebody Sat 03-Aug-13 20:12:08

that's really horrible for you.

can't your dh say something to support you?

I really wouldn't go round/ask them round to be honest and when they say anything get your dh to tell them how upsetting you find their remarks.

to be honest if you are 'suffering in silence' they might not realise how rude they are being.

please don't give up until you want to.

Catsize Sat 03-Aug-13 20:13:30

Oh. My. Word.

Show your father-in-law the ingredients on a packet of formula maybe... Especially the mashed up fish bit.
It is awful they make you feel this way. How is a cow's milk more 'proper' than yours?! There really is no decent answer to that, so perhaps ask him the question.
They should be really pleased you are breastfeeding.
Son breastfed until ten months, with some formula as I was rubbish at expressing and had to go back to work very early (partner stayed at home and my supplies were a bit lacking!). Son decided to stop and has never gone back.
Pretty sure he won't be a pevert...

Your outlaws sound like sometng off a comedy sketch. Only it isn't funny.

Good luck. I think you would regret giving up because of them, not least because it is so much easier than bottles!

UnevenTan Sat 03-Aug-13 20:15:52

"I don't want to discuss how my baby is fed. Please do not bring this up again. smile"

Repeat like a broken record.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 03-Aug-13 20:16:47

My lovely sister is still bf her dd who's not 2 til September. She gets this all the time from our mum. Our mum think its disgusting- i think she's amazing!

Times have changed, advice, information etc. You can't make your in laws understand but you do need to do what you feel best doing.

Nanny0gg Sat 03-Aug-13 20:16:47

What does your DH say?

I disagree with sitting down and sorting it out with them,

I think they need to be told to mind their own business.

Forgetfulmog Sat 03-Aug-13 20:19:27

Xiao - I completely get what you're saying re difficulty establishing bfing. I was the same. I'm now starting to get comments about stopping bfing & I just want to tell them to fuck off! Dd is 10 mo btw.

OP - as others have said, UNICEF guidelines are to bf until 2. At the very least, a baby's main source of food until 1 is BM (or formula of course). Please don't give up unless you want to, you'll regret it & resent your ILs.

I cannot understand why people are so judgemental about bfing, I mean we're all encouraged (or forced, depending on what side of the argument you are) to bf our kids & then, once we've got it established & it's easy, we're all forced/encouraged to give it up! I mean wtf?!! Society has literally gone mad

VileWoman Sat 03-Aug-13 20:20:37

What awful people. Your OH needs to man up and tell them to butt right out. BFing is a relationship between you and your LO and only one of you two can decide when to stop BFing, not some ignorant and rude relations.

Remind them that the WHO advice is to BF for a minimum of 2 years and let them choke on that. Should shut them up for a while (worked on my Mum who is pro-Bfing but has a shorter time limit on it that me).

VileWoman Sat 03-Aug-13 20:22:22

Should say, if you want to feed for less than the WHO recommendation that's fine, it's your body.

sameoldIggi Sat 03-Aug-13 20:24:33

Yes it's to a minimum of two, they are not telling you to stop then if you don't want to either! I must say before I did it myself I would have thoug it odd to feed for so long. But then I had a lot of ideas about motherhood which the lo soon knocked out of me!

Humiliated1 Sat 03-Aug-13 20:28:43

My DH is supportive but just says 'oh they're mad ignore them' I think if they were insinuating he was thriving I could shrug that off (he's massive) its just the incidios nature of the comments about it being odd and perverse, I know I'm not perverted but to constantly hear snide comments and get odd looks is hard. We are round there a lot think ill have to tell DH to tell them off, just wish they could accept it as natural

aldiwhore Sat 03-Aug-13 20:28:49

You're not wrong to give up on breastfeeding.

YABU to give up because of your PIL's strange ways.

They are entitled to their opinion, they are entitled to voice, to are perfectly within your rights to ignore it completely.

I would have fun with it. Practice one liners that prey on their small minded views... I remember when I dressed my then toddler son in pink, and my extended family (not PIL's but their rellies) said I was "very modern" and "was I not concerned about his future"? I said "Oh yes, I am simply desperate to have at least one gay son, I mean, who else will go shopping with me?" (Obviously I don't give a shite either way, and do not stereotype people in my usual daily life) They soon shut up. They whisper when I see them now, but I only see them when someone dies so it's not too difficult to keep them confused, worried and afraid.

These are people that think that my one lesbian distant relative became 'that way' because she wore her big brother's jeans as a child. There is no reasoning with people like this, so just let it amuse you, when it ceases to amuse you, fuck them off... and if you can't do that, erupt to such a lioness extent that they zip it.

Whothefuckfarted Sat 03-Aug-13 20:34:16

If you want to carry on then do what your Dh says and ignore them.

They're clearly sick in the head to say stuff like that to you.

Say what uneventan suggested -

"I don't want to discuss how my baby is fed. Please do not bring this up again. smile"

Repeat like a broken record.

Whothefuckfarted Sat 03-Aug-13 20:36:11

Read some of this, you'll have plenty ammunition if they try being awful.

pianodoodle Sat 03-Aug-13 20:37:21

vilewoman "the WHO advice is to BF for a minimum of 2 years and let them choke on that."

I first read that as being the actual wording on the WHO website... seemed a bit conflicting grin

PurplePidjin Sat 03-Aug-13 20:42:45

"I'd quite like to be a granny someday so a little encouragement won't do any harm, will it?"

Tell your dh to stick up for you - they're making you feel unwelcome. Or, send him round there with the baby while you kick back and do something nice!

Twattybollocks Sat 03-Aug-13 21:24:18

I had this from mil last week. I told her I would be giving up when we were both ready, and the minute it became any of her business, she would be the first to know!

Tailtwister Sat 03-Aug-13 21:30:37

If you're going to give up breastfeeding please don't do it because of your IL's OP. If YOU want to stop then fair enough, but don't feel pressured into it.

chipmonkey Sat 03-Aug-13 21:41:00

There should only ever be two people involved in a discussion on giving up breastfeeding. One is the mother, the other is the baby. Everyone else should just butt out!

You know, I am a bf enthusiast. I have spent 6.5 years bfing. I should be still bfing now but dd died suddenly. I really wish I was still bfing her.

But that said, I know that it's not everyone's choice and for some babies, formula is necessary and for some mothers it's a sanity-saver. If that were the case fine. But it's not the case. As far as I can see, Humiliated you and your lovely boy are happy with bfing. Don't give that up for a pair of weird weasels.

SoniaGluck Sat 03-Aug-13 21:46:48

I have read through the thread but everyone has already said what I would have. I hope you manage the withstand all the nonsense Humiliated and continue to feed as long as you both want.

And, I just wanted to add Chipmonkey, I am so sorry.

Thepowerof3 Sat 03-Aug-13 21:51:57

Yes chipmonkey, I can't imagine x

Emilythornesbff Sat 03-Aug-13 22:28:59

chipmonkey I'm so sorry.

humiliated I agree with aldiwhore
Or just don't go so often. Send dh there with your ds and some expressed milk and enjoy your rest.
Knobby knobs!

Chunderella Sat 03-Aug-13 22:57:18

How dare MIL even think herself entitled to an opinion on how you feed your baby, let alone vocalise it! Entitled, much?

On a practical level, we've established that you want to keep on bf. And that you're sufficiently upset at the way you're being treated that you're thinking about putting an easy life ahead of feeding the way you prefer. Neither of these things are right or wrong, they're just how you feel. So with that in mind, there are strategies that might allow you both to keep bfing, and to avoid MILs uber-cuntlitude. Specifically, expressing. Are you able to do it? Or if DS is 7 months, presumably he's having some solids now- perhaps time visits to coincide with this rather than a milk feed, if he has a routine now?

I am sorry for your loss chipmonkey.

Inertia Sat 03-Aug-13 23:00:30

Chipmonkey- so sorry about your daughter.
Your first paragraph is spot on.

Humiliated- don't be like your name smile. If you want to carry on BF and it's working well for you and your baby, then you are the only two people that matter. If your MIL says it's perverse (FFS!) then you'd be prefectly justified in replying that you are feeding a baby, and anybody who finds that perverted needs to think about what that says about them.

Response to FIl is simple- it is proper milk. Your baby is getting bespoke milk which your body is tailoring to meet his needs exactly, even taking into account things like the weather.

If you are ready to move onto formula , then that has to be your choice and one that you make after considering what's best for your baby and for you. Your child's food should not be compromised because of your ILs ridiculous prejudices.

noblegiraffe Sun 04-Aug-13 00:12:06

You're giving your baby milk that evolution has spent millions of years perfecting for a human baby. Your FIL thinks that the proper milk would be that which evolution spent millions of years perfecting for a cow. Now that's perverse.

monkeymamma Sun 04-Aug-13 09:18:33

Sadly some people are just uncomfortable with babies being bf for more than the first 6months. Baffling but true. Just stand firm, smile, gently tell them the facts (oh nowadays they say breast milk is healthiest actually fil!) and if they keep going on about it then make it into a gentle kind of joke (oh mil, you're not going on about that again are you! You are very interested in my boobs aren't you, hahaha only joking! PERVERSE? Oh that's hilarious! People do have some funny ideas don't they! Etc etc.) you might find this easier if you are a non-confrontational type. But please don't let them put you off - they've no right to do that.

BeanoNoir Sun 04-Aug-13 09:23:41

You do what's right for you and your baby. It would be awful if you stopped due to pressure and then felt bad that it wasn't the right decision. I'd rather feel that I'd gone against my in laws than ignored what I feel is best for my baby.

NOT a judgement on continuing breastfeeding or not, a judgement about sticking to what you feel is right and best for the both of you.

"oh MIL, yes it used to be frowned upon to BF, back in the old days, but now we have much more information and tons of research has been done which categorically states that BF is better, nutritionally, than formula. I'm so pleased you want me to feed him 'proper milk' as that is what I'm already doing"

Make sure you talk to her like she's a 3 year old, she's clearly got the mental capacity of one insults 3 yo's

DS is 17 weeks, I currently get "are you still feeding him?" And "has he had any baby rice yet?" Fuckwits.

TheRealFellatio Sun 04-Aug-13 09:33:04

Put you IL's completely out of the equation and forget about the people pleasing or worrying about what anyone else thinks, whether you carry on or give up. Seven months is plenty. If you feel ready to stop then stop. You don't need to justify it to anyone.

On the other hand if you are only thinking of stopping because you are concerned about issues with other people then don't stop - and learn to be more confident/assertive in doing what makes you happy and what feels right for you.

Squitten Sun 04-Aug-13 09:35:54

Tell your DH that you are not going to ignore them and that HE needs to tell them to shut up about it otherwise you and the baby won't be seeing them anymore. Outrageous!

YABVU to give up BF just because of those idiots. Stand up for yourself!

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