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To leave him to it?

(35 Posts)
ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 08:46:00

DSD pees the bed. I try helping, being supportive, doin hours of fucking research on here and online, suggesting all sorts of things to do, trying to be supportive and offer advice when he gets stressed out/de up when it happens. (Will point out though that he doesn't show he's fed up in front of her, I get the brunt of that). All I ever get is snapped at, told how stupid my suggestions are, the 1001 reasons why they won't work. Before I tried helping he didn't even have a waterproof sheet on the bed, and didn't think it would be useful until I bought one and put it on her bed.

Basically because I don't have children my suggestions and ideas can't be as good as his. Even though he doesn't have any.

So cue this morning, DSD has had an accident. While she's in the bathroom he starts with the talk like how can somebody have that much pee, because she went before bed and I got her up for a pee at 10pm. I tried to explain about hormones not being produced and get snapped at that he doesn't need a science lesson.

So I said that I'm not helping at all with this issue any more. I've tried helping and it's apparently not helping him, so I'm just going to leave him to it. He seems annoyed with me for being over dramatic. AIBU?

how old is she?

Doesn't sound as if YABU to me, however, it does sound as if your DSD needs more support than he is giving her and it might be down to you. Do you know/ can you ask if she wets the bed when she is with her mother? Have you tried the disposable bed pads? Is she too old for the night time absorbant pants (not sure what they are called, but basically a nappy) How old is she?

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 08:52:35

She's 5

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 08:54:55

It happens at her mums as well, apparently not as frequently but she's probably lying so that she looks like a 'better' parent. Now that she's been in pants for so long it would be like a step back to her and probably do more damage than good in terms of progress.

What doesn't help is that when she stays here she shares a room with her cousin who is 3 and who is already completely dry through the night.

Soila Sat 03-Aug-13 08:55:56

How old is is your stepdaughter and does she live with you full-time?

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 08:57:38

Step daughter is 5 an stays with us 2/3 nights a week

things you can do to help, surreptitiously:
increase her intake of fluid, milk or water best, red/brown drinks (tea, cola, ribena, that kinda thing) can irritate the bladder. Increasing fluid intake during the day means the bladder stretches, increasing in volume and thus holding capacity

double dress the bed - waterproof/bottom sheet, waterprpoof/bottom sheet, so you can whip off wet bedding to reveal fresh bed with little effort in the middle of the night

wee/teeth/wee at bedtime, aka double voiding. Counterintuitively, lifting her at your bedtime seems to reinforce the weeing asleep, as she is v unlikely to awaken fully

this is not considered a medical issue til age 7 in our area, may be different in others ofc, so for social reasons shower/bath her in the mornings

you sound so lovely and caring, you are a star, lucky girl to have you in her life

Soila Sat 03-Aug-13 09:05:29

Yes, as justforlaughs suggested, have you tried those drynights nappies? I think they go all the way to over 7 years (http://www.drynites.co.uk/?id=004).

I ask if she lives with you full time or most of the time at least because then you might be able to support her without involving her dad. I'm not saying cut him out of the whole process, but just take control of it. She needs proper support, maybe it can come from you?

Is there an underlying medical condition? Bedwetting is very common in older children but just to be safe.

Good luck.

Fallout1977 Sat 03-Aug-13 09:08:02

First things first,
Is she being seen by the health visitor for this?
If not then she should be as they can't let this just go on and on.
My dd had a similar problem and it's important that they get the health visitor involved.
Was she dry before and has just started wetting the bed? What is she like during the day? Is she dry during the day or could she be possibly wetting herself and then changing her knickers so you don't know. It's embarrassing for them and my daughter would sneak off and change her knickers during the day.
My dd was 7yrs old and had to eventually see a paediatric consultant at our local hospital but it was sorted out within a week and we have never looked back but obviously some problems may take longer to resolve.

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 09:10:09

I've started doing the wee teeth bedtime story and then up for another wee, it didn't seem to make a difference.

And I have tried saying to dp that the up during the night probably isn't effective as she doesn't wake up so therefore isn't learning to feel the feeling of needing a pee in the night, but I just got snapped at saying he's tried everything and its the only thing that works. Even though its the only thing he tried. And it's not working.

I've suggest things like drinking more during the day etc but all I get is a disinterested 'oh right' and he then doesn't do anything differently. There's only so much I can do before he could turn around and say I'm crossing a line and that he's the parent and I have to respect his parenting choices. Which is true but if he ever even insinuated that to me it would hurt me so much. I love my DSD and just want to help and make things easier.

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 09:12:29

Because she's 5 I'm guessing it wouldn't be acknowledge as a medical issue until she's 7. Or is it worth getting a GPs appointment anyway?

She's definitely dry through the day, wouldn't have opportunity to get changed secretly.

BlackeyedSusan Sat 03-Aug-13 09:13:32

it is not unusual to pee the bed still at 5, like you say. goodness know what you are going to do with him though. leave him to it for now until he is less stressed.

CSIJanner Sat 03-Aug-13 09:14:09

My eldest DC was referred for chronic constipation and DH brought the dry at night question. The paediatrician looked him in the eye and clearly stated that until certain hormones were produced, bladder control at night was not to be expected. It would be considered a problem at @7.

I have a feeling that your DH is like mine - sees only the wetting as a problem in black and white, after all, she's 5 and can hold a conversation so surly she can hold her wee? I think sometimes my DH loses sight of the fact that DC1 is a child and I need to oull him up and remind him.

Talk to her mum about whether night time pants would be okay, reassure her and tell him not to make a big deal if an accident does happen. He's making a problem out of something she can't affect.

CSIJanner Sat 03-Aug-13 09:15:28

Oh - and the paediatrician stated that waking a child up in the night to take them to the toilet only teaches them to wake up at certain times. Not to go to the toilet. I think that you're right - she doesn't realise that she needs to go because her body isn't telling her yet.

Shamoy Sat 03-Aug-13 09:15:45

Poor girl. Does she not wear night time pants at her mums house? Sounds like she's just not ready to be dry at night yet.
My two eldest were dry in the day at 2 years old but both over 5 when became dry at night. I've got a 5.5yo still in night time pants as he's not ready to be dry at night yet.
It's horrible for all involved to be missing sleep, changing sheets in the night and doing un told amounts of washing, so why doesn't he just buy her some dry nites pants? They are age 4-7
There's no way your step daughter can't be picking up on his annoyance over it, the worry is probably making her feel quite stressed and not helping!!

Soila Sat 03-Aug-13 09:20:44

RidingAlongInMyAutomobile - you might have answered this but drynites pants.

Have you tried them?

RedHelenB Sat 03-Aug-13 09:23:06

I wouldn't panic, eldest dd was at school & this was still happening - she just slept too heavy for the urge to wee to wake her up. By 6 she had stopped doing it - come to think of it she never was a great drinker whereas dd2 was no trouble& she always drank loads, right up to bedtime. Or ds that seems to have an ever expanding bladder & can be up for hours before going to the loo!!

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 09:28:24

Tbh I worry that she will be picking up on it. This morning when she came into the room and said she had an accident, DP said 'for flip sakes' under his breath, but potentially not quiet enough. I actually said to him 'not in front of her' and that seemed to annoy him more. I can understand why it is stressing him out but he might as well try and let it go because there is nothing that can be done about it.

Her mum doesn't use bed time pants either, and we don't really get on well enough to discuss this. And anyway she'd probably use it against him, saying he was an unfit dad if I approached her taking control over this.
I think an issue with him is he wants to be a fantastic dad, and in his eyes this is something that means he's not. In his mind other children are dry by now so why isn't his. But he needs to get over himself because this isn't about him.

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 10:29:49

RedHelenB she is a very heavy sleeper, that's probably connected tbh

MammaTJ Sat 03-Aug-13 11:06:23

My DS is nearly 7, so nearly old enough for me to raise this as an issue.

He still very much wets the bed, but we just reduce the stress on all concerned by letting him wear 'night pants', definitely not nappies. Pulls ups in fact!

I think getting stressed is the very worst thing you can do. My DD wet the bed up until 8-9 years old and she does not do it now at 18.

HollyBerryBush Sat 03-Aug-13 11:35:09

Because she's 5 I'm guessing it wouldn't be acknowledge as a medical issue until she's 7. Or is it worth getting a GPs appointment anyway?

Yes it is, DS2 was on a heavy dose of Desmopressin aged 5, and it was a godsend. I never knew such a small person could hold so much water, let alone leak it.

As advised, avoid any 'black' drinks - coke, blackcurrant and so forth, they seem to exacerbate the situation..

On the down side it really didnt self resolve until he was 12ish

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sat 03-Aug-13 11:44:31

DP went to work (works for a few hours in the morning) comes back with some drynites pants, is getting DSD involved in cleaning the bed at stuff (saying she is going to be a big grown up help, and that it's not a punishment) and is going to stop getting her up in the night, and has appologised for snapping at me. M

I think he was burying his head in the sand that there was an issue, and was snapping at me because I would be reminding him. But my telling him I wasn't doing any more has made him had to step up and deal with it himself.

My 5 year-old DD still has a night nappy. So did her elder sister at the age of 5. Elder DD has been dry for ages. I'd just put her in a nappy and forget about it. Why make it a drama?

clam Sat 03-Aug-13 12:51:33

Who's doing all the laundry for this?

Dayshiftdoris Sat 03-Aug-13 13:07:16

My DS was 8 before he was dry at night and NO ONE was interested in seeing him - he could have been seen at 7 but he has ASD so after a chat with his paed & given that it is developmental disorder we decided to give him an extra 2yrs smile

We just used night time pants - the jury is out about them but seriously he could be wet twice by 1am - it's not worth it. Just let her have a stress-free bedtime otherwise you are going to have major issues.

I don't want to derail the thread, but it does surprise me that people are concerned about a child not being dry at night at the age of 5.

Neither of my children were. Nor was I for that matter.

I don't wet the bed now or have any problems in that department. Nor does my elder child: until about half a year ago it was important to make sure she went to the toilet immediately before lights out, but now it isn't necessary.

Why the assumption that there must be a problem, or is it the expense of nappies?

Ogg Sat 03-Aug-13 13:14:54

It affects 1 in 5 - 5 year olds - agree nappies seem the easiest way of dealing with this at least for a few more months.

Fanjango Sat 03-Aug-13 13:15:49

My eldest dd was not dry till she was 6. It's not uncommon and nothing to worry about . I used pull ups on her. Once she started to be more reliably dry we tried going without and she's never wet since. GPs won't worry about it till she's at least 7, 9 in some areas. By continuing this there is more work for you and stress for her hmm

DumSpiroSpero Sat 03-Aug-13 13:31:23

Has your DSD ever been dry at night or is this a 'relapse'.

I'm not sure if this would help, and it will sound 'woo' but we used CBT with my DD. She had been dry at night from about 2.10 - 4.8, but started bedwetting in the run up to starting primary school, often 5-6 nights a week and occasionally more than once a night. This went on for over a year.

We used positive affirmations yes, I know! so she repeated phrases like 'I am in charge of my bladder' 'I will wake up if I need to wee' etc, and as bonkers as it sounds it made a massive difference within a few weeks.

Obviously this won't work if she's not physically ready, but if you feel there might me an emotional aspect to it, it may be worth a try.

FrogsGoWhat Sat 03-Aug-13 13:51:47
Emilythornesbff Sat 03-Aug-13 15:32:29

Some good suggestions.
It's very common for a five yo to need a nappy at night. I would consider taking the pessure off her for a bit.
And it is absolutely 100% certain that she picks up on the adults' frustration. No shadow of a doubt. It will be very upsetting for he. Imagine being unable to control when you wee (it may come in time) and ppl around you being disgusted and irritated by that.
I would imagine she'll see the school nurse (they usually run the enuresis clinics) soon?
There's a whole lot of stress for this girl.

Bullygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 16:14:30

My DD is 6 1/3 and only just dry most nights. I try and get her to drink a lot during the day so she's fully hydrated then stop her fluids around 2hrs before bedtime. I also try really hard (difficult on rushed mornings) not to fuss when she hasn't . It really is just a matter of time. Try and be positive and supportive to her personally and your DP may follow your lead.

At 5 it is quite normal, two out of my three still had a pull up at night, and only wet it maybe once or twice a week.
Why is he putting her through the stress of trying to control something she seems to have no control over? Night time bladder control comes with age and maturity, get her back in pull ups for night, a couple a week isn't going to cost much.

ReginaPhilangie Sat 03-Aug-13 16:44:44

My dd1 at the age of 10 is still a bedwetter (every night)! All I can say is DryNites are your friend, over the years we've tried lots of different approaches that never worked. DryNites at least meant the bed was getting soaked through. A doctor won't do anything till she's 7, (we're only just being seen after being on the waiting list for fricking ages).

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