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to wonder why online dating isn't working for me

(95 Posts)
hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 17:33:37

(Apparently) I am attractive. I am well educated, good job, own home, car, 33 years old.

One DD who is 14 months.

Not a jot of interest sad Plenty of messages from men 20 years older than me, usually one liners like 'you have a great smile' but nothing from anyone my age who seems to be up for a relationship. I don't think it's DD either as even before I had her I got no interest from the sites.

AIBU to feel unattractive and invisible to the opposite sex!?

Where are you looking? Have you had a mate look at your profile. Preferably a nice, honest, male friend...

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 17:36:57

I don't have any male friends. I think my profile is fine - it's me smile

somewhereaclockisticking Fri 02-Aug-13 17:39:01

My brother is almost 40 and his last girlfriend 24 - he has finally tried on-line dating and was still answering ads from those in their 20's. I told him to grow up and look for a woman in her 30's - he did start to date a woman with an older child but I think he's abit worried about becoming a father figure for the child when he hasn't been the best dad to his own child. Don't give up is all I can say (especially as my brother says the fees are really expensive) - also I didn;t watch the programme but i read that there was one on recently about on-line dating and alot of profiles are fake just to get people to sign up but once you've paid your fee you can only keep going or just accept that it's been a waste of your cash.

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 17:43:17

Yeah I think it has been a waste of money - shame really, I have been feeling very lonely recently.

samandi Fri 02-Aug-13 17:55:27

Hm, well I was going to say because of your DD and your age, but if you were trying them years ago without success either I don't know.

Why don't you have any male friends?

Whothefuckfarted Fri 02-Aug-13 17:58:38

99% of the guys your age are there for no strings fun with 20 odd year old tarts, and there's hundreds of them out there.

Online dating is very hit and miss if you are looking for more than a bit of fun. (mostly miss).

if it's any consolation my DM gave up on it because all the men she met were 'odd'

So maybe it's not a bad thing...you don't attract oddballs grin

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Fri 02-Aug-13 18:12:20

Didn't work for me either, and I tried twice, some years apart. My best mate (male) gave me a glowing reference on MySingleFriend and my sister helped me sell myself on another site. Both times I met someone in real life after not a squeak online. The second one was nice enough to marry.

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 19:27:24

I don't know Sam, never really thought about it. Most people my age are married and while I am friendly with the male spouse the real friendship is through the wife I think.

I just feel a bit sad about it.

itchyandscratchy26 Fri 02-Aug-13 19:49:27

Sadly, it's the 'well educated aged 33' that's the giveaway here. All men aged 33+ seem to be after girls aged 20-30. Men On dating sites are very ageist on the whole. That said, it's worth persisting until you get a good one. I met DH on Match.com when I was 31 and he was 39. Education and intelligence seems to threaten a lot of men too. It's a numbers game. I must have been on 30 or more dates before DH. A good selection of flattering pics is a must too. I

Blankiefan Fri 02-Aug-13 19:53:30

I was in a similar position (except no DC). I found that the more I did on the site, the more succesful it was.

You may already be doing this, but here are my tips. So - don't just wait for them to contact you - you approach them. And don't just wink/smile, send an actual email with a question / prompt to start a conversation. Do this lots. Line up lots of first dates - several per weekend, ideally. Don't try to get to know them online - just meet people (public places, broad daylight!) - then decide if you like them.

I met my ex this way and then my DH. We're coming up for our 2nd anniversary.

Good luck

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 19:56:14

Well, I've contacted a few but most don't get in touch!

Am I too old then, at 33? sad

itchyandscratchy26 Fri 02-Aug-13 20:00:11

No no , not to old, just accept that men aged 33 may be harder work to get them interested in the first place. Alternatively, accept that men in early 40s may be a better bet. Agree with the above advice. Meet them ASAP if you're emailing. A virtual relationship just wastes time, and you need to know ASAP if there is any chemistry. If not its NEXT, and keep doing it until you get a goodun.

Blankiefan Fri 02-Aug-13 20:05:34

I was 33 when I met DH. I agree with PP, try men in their early 40s... And - its absolutely a numbers game. Don't contact a few - contact many. And don't take it personally I'd they don't get back to you; just contact some more. Be relentless!

JaffaMyCake Fri 02-Aug-13 20:10:49

whothefuckfarted 20 year old tarts? hmm

What a fucking vile way to refer to women.

JaffaMyCake Fri 02-Aug-13 20:11:51

OP I feel your pain, I'm early 30s with a baby DS and currently in the process of separating from STBXH. I think I will have your problem if I decide to date again.

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 20:13:08

Crikey can't imagine having a NEXT! system!

I get barely any interest grin

Ethlinn Fri 02-Aug-13 20:22:58

Definitely get a guy to look at your profile. Is there really NOBODY who could help you with that? I met my OH on match.com but that hadn't happened until I had my profile tweaked a bit by a male friend. Apparently I was putting too much emphasis on how well educated and independent I am grin . He also advised me to change the picture to one where I was smiling and looked quite natural.

Ethlinn Fri 02-Aug-13 20:24:51

Oh and by the way I was in my 20s then and OH is 10 years older. Does it make me a tart?
<never been called a tart before so getting excited>

FieryChipotle Fri 02-Aug-13 20:29:15

Why don't YOU approach THEM?! Search for a date through career path or whatever but you need to find the suitable candidates. Message them! I had no suitable messages at all until I found the people I wanted to speak to. I don't think DD is a problem at all, but she wouldn't be my opening gambit. Save the DD info for further down the line (eg. The date itself) as I think it's too easy for people to dismiss single mums on the basis of young children via a profile.

Good luck OP!

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 20:44:58

Hi

Have you looked at your profile? Is there anything in the way it's written that could be putting them off. Rather than the content? Have you got photos up.

I joined a month ago - I've been on 3 dates with 2 men so far. Neither will progress because there wasn't any spark with one and the second went as far as a second date but we were looking for different things. We were both honest about what we wanted and went our separate ways with no hard feelings.

I've got a date on Monday, one next Saturday and hopefully another will be arranged for next week too. Three different men.

You're not too old, you're 33!!!!!! I'm 39 and I've got a 15 year old son and a 7 year old. And I'm honest about that too.

I've made sure that my profile is written in such a way that I've aimed to filter out men looking for vulnerable women, men looking for one night stands, dicks and chancers!

I'd be happy to PM you what I've put on my profile if you think it would be useful to you.

BodaciousTatas Fri 02-Aug-13 20:48:44

I am 34 with a 14 year old daughter. I met dp on a dating site, I live him to bits and we are planning to move in together.

Don't give up hope, I went on dates with a fair few who were either odd, only wanted sex or just were not my type before I met him grin

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 20:59:08

The thing is:

1. I do approach them smile
2. I can't go on dates, we've never got as far as exchanging email addresses never mind dates
3. My profile honestly sounds fine. It's just a bit about me - job, life, interests.

I think the problem is that physically i am not attractive.

Ah, well!

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:02:24

Try a free one like OKCupid.

It's a numbers game. Many of the men who message will be unsuitable or just after sex so you're ruling them out. Having a child will reduce the pool of interested men. And I suppose a lot of 33 year old men will feel they are still young enough to want to start their own family preferably with no prior children. That doesn't remove everyone but it does reduce the numbers of decent prospective messages. Older men will be less bothered about kids as they may already have some of be more realistic about partners having past histories, and of course hope to bag a younger model than their ex. biscuit

Other than that I'm with others that you maybe need to look at your profile.

The first time I set up a dating profile I got two messages, both essentially telling me to cheer up! I decided it was obviously too soon after a break up and went back later and rewrote it when feeling more positive to better response.

BodaciousTatas Fri 02-Aug-13 21:04:07

Can I ask what site you use. Dp and I met on Match Affinity, I met some really nice guys on there, not my type but nice.

ruddynorah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:04:14

What happens with that 2. ? Why are you stalling there? Or are they stalling?

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:04:59

Physical attractiveness obviously makes a difference. Hard to complain because as you browse profiles you probably decide you couldn't fancy many of them on the basis of their looks.

BodaciousTatas Fri 02-Aug-13 21:06:16

Oh and I didn't muck around with loads of emails or messages, exchanged a few then met for coffee. (apart from with dp coffee became wine and we both ended up rather tipsy)

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:10:40

They don't stall, they don't message and when I message them , they either say they've met someone but wish me luck, or ignore me! grin

Tried lots of a few sites over the years. My single friend, match.com, guardian ...

ruddynorah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:11:27

Yes exactly. I don't think it's good to faff about forward and back emailing. A few messages then arrange to meet, that's the only way to get to know someone.

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:13:22

Yes, but if you don't get messages and the ones you send aren't responded to, then you aren't going to get as far as meeting, are you?

Mumsyblouse Fri 02-Aug-13 21:14:13

Photos are everything in a visual environment, women don't want to meet ugly men and vice versa. You don't have to be amazing looking to present well, have a nice photo taken, wear fashionable clothes etc. It's all very well to feel above this but you can't if all you are presenting to someone is a list of adjectives (funny, kind, nice), a job title and a photo! I would sort your photo out seriously before venturing online.

Also there are some long running threads in Relationships about online dating, which might be helpful although the general consensus is that there are a lot of players, and little success, compared with other methods of meeting people.

Bexicles Fri 02-Aug-13 21:14:16

Did anyone watch the Panorama documentary I think it was called "tainted love"?A lot of these dating sites make fake profiles and use them to send mails to encourage subscriptions. I think Okcupid was mentioned on here. OP I would consider single nights rather than online dating, more transparency.

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:18:00

The picture of me is as nice as any picture of me is going to be but I can't change the actual raw 'me.' Thanks for telling me to 'sort my photo out' though.

Singles nights would be difficult due to dd and plus I really don't fancy it. It's just everyone keeps harping on about me meeting someone and how it's easy and I have to put myself out but I am trying and not getting anywhere!

ruddynorah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:25:28

What do you put on your initial message?

Fairylea Fri 02-Aug-13 21:27:49

What age range are you looking in?

I met my dh on plenty of fish. I was 32 and had a dd aged 7.

I was absolutely fed up with either young 18 year olds messaging me for a shag or people old enough to be my dad babbling on about wanting me to go for a walk with them and their dogs. <generalising>

In the end I lowered the age I'd normally go for a bit because I wanted someone who didn't already have kids (didn't fancy dealing with two hostile exes!) And I wanted someone who didn't come with all the marriage baggage that I did.

So I saw dh on there, then aged 22 and living at home with his mum. The main thing that attracted me to him was his profile talked about liking people watching while at Costa and enjoying the same music as me (which is quite specific) and I thought I'd give him a try.

I sent him a message and for a while we messaged, neither was too sure as I thought he might only want a shag and he thought the same of me!!

Eventually we met at a book shop for a coffee. I hid behind a bookcase checking him out for a bit before I decided to come out and meet him (yes we laugh about that now smile )

The rest is.... history. (Although it did take us 4 dates to even snog because we were both a bag of nerves).

We have been married 4 years now and we also have ds who is 14 months old. We are very very happy.

Don't give up.

I kissed A LOT of frogs before my dh. A lot of the men that messaged me I just put straight onto block!!

ninah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:28:28

in your op you say you are attractive, assume that's why the advice to look at your pic to make sure it flatters you
I am horribly unphotogenic, personally

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:31:21

Mm yes I was misleading I suppose. I meant attractive more as in I have an attractive personality. The photo is as good as it'll ever be but ... Kate moss I am not.

I don't have an age range. I think the difference with me and a lot of people who have had success is that you get some people showing an interest; I get NO interest at all.

ninah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:33:52

you are younger and more fresh faced than Kate op smile

Fairylea Fri 02-Aug-13 21:34:36

Also... I wouldn't say being well educated, great job or own car in the first few lines of your profile. It doesn't really say anything about you. As a person I mean. It's great and everything but it doesn't SELL you as a potential fantastic girlfriend. It kind of says you're sorted. At the risk of being incredibly sexist, I genuinely think most men like to feel needed, like they have a purpose in a relationship. You're sorted so what do you want a man for?

Sexist yes. Sorry. So shoot me.

But I'd work on selling yourself, not what you've achieved.

What do you like to do with your free time? What music do you like? What's an ideal evening? What do you wantto get out of meeting someone? Blah blah.

Add some cheeky humour too. Anything will do..

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:36:18

People telling you it's easy can fuck the fuck off.

Have you looked at other women's profiles?

I'm over 40, not very pretty at all and I still get proper messages in amongst the ONS trawlers and idiots. My profile is fucking hilarious though so that helps.

I especially roll my eyes at profiles where they say they are funny but the profile has no humour. Show not tell.

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:39:58

Hehe younger maybe but not so sure about fresh faced!

Fairylea, the only things you've mentioned that are on my profile are my job which is fairly loose (as in, 'I do this for a living.' Honestly, I don't know what it is. Some of my friends who split from husbands met someone new almost immediately. Me, I can't meet anyone full stop!

ninah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:40:06

actually you probably do have a great smile
there are 'older' men on there who look like Bernard manning's brother but they don't necessarily lower their expectations proportionally iyswim
a compliment's a compliment

gingermop Fri 02-Aug-13 21:40:22

I met my now boyfriend through plenty of fish, didnt hav to pay, also met another bloke just b4 my bf and although we didnt click in that way he is now one of my closest friends.
my brother has just married to a women he met on match.com.
these sites do work smile

ninah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:42:48

I think fairylea has a point, you need to give them an idea of you as an individual
I don't go along with having to appeal to any macho rescuer instinct. But they do need to see your personality coming through.
Although wtf do I know? I didn't get anywhere with it either!

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:42:49

Yeah but ninah the ones I get messages from are late forties/early fifties. It's like me messaging a teenager, really. How many of those men message women in their mid sixties, do you think?

Gingermop, I know they work, but evidently not for me!

ninah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:46:06

yup I know the ones ... I used to find skimming my 'selection' a bit similar to that bit at the end of crimewatch

ninah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:47:28

imagine being there in your mid 60s. Now that must be really bleak!

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:49:07

Actually I've come to the conclusion that the best way to meet decent prospective men if IRL social life isn't happening or if dating sites don't work for you is through online community sites, like here but obvs with men too.

A local forum? An interest forum? My logic is you get to know posters and chat with no pressure at all. Most forums will have meet ups of some sort. Some you think are funny or get chatting to about something in common. You like them as a person before you meet them and if you have gotten on particularly well there might be a will to fancy each other already which may or may not work out.

My last ex I met through a discussion forum. We hadn't flirted or anything but we interacted well. The one before that I met on a little blog site.

Also maybe try meetup.com Look at things that interest you (where you can take your DC or get childcare) and meet up with others on there to do the activity.

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:51:00

Yeah, I like the forum idea. Will have to try and find one with men on it. I'm only really on mum & baby ones at the moment.

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:52:43

When I was thirty someone 45 messaged me saying it was a shame he was out of my age range (implying this was unfair of me) as he thought I was great and we'd get on well.

I asked him how many 60 year olds he messaged on there.

He said fair point and fucked off.

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:55:10

I think photos on profiles is a bad idea in a way. I'm put off men that I would like if I was just going on the profile.

When I first went on getting photos on there wasn't as easy and people were more cautious about it generally. I liked more of them then.

But then I met more only to be disappointed too!

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 21:58:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse Fri 02-Aug-13 22:04:45

I think you are being a tad prickly over the photos thing. There was a woman a while back on Relationships who was wondering why online dating wasn't going very well (I think all chancers wanting to have sex) and she put up her photos, and although she was a very attractive person, they did give off a 'party' vibe that was clearly attracting the wrong crowd.

Getting a few different photos together and asking a really good friend for some advice on which is the most attractive/open/friendly looking picture is not a bad idea.

It can be hard to 'read' your own photo and profile from outside, might be worth seeking a second opinion.

I do think online dating is not a great way to meet people though, all my friend's experiences recently have been terrible, they haven't had a problem meeting men but really have had a problem finding nice ones who want a relationship. It seems to be a sweet-shop mentality with people 'hooking up' and moving on very quickly. I'm not sure if you should carry on with this plan or whether some of the other suggestions might be better (forums, clubs, hobbies).

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 22:21:45

Matilda Mumsy has it - there is no party vibe in my pictures or in my profile. I'm not a 'good time girl'. I'm reasonably attractive, my profile is humourous and good natured, I've tried to let my personality come across, but sexy I am not. Eye candy, I am not. I am really only attracting people because they think we might have something in common. Men who want a relationship.

I wrote it from the perspective of the man reading it. So I've said I'm not impressed by the car someone drives or expensive gifts. Because I'm not, so anyone who thinks that will be enough will know it's not, and anyone who is worried about gold diggers will hopefully at least start to think I'm not one!

It's difficult to know because I was chatting with someone earlier this evening. We've looked at each other's profiles before, he's a very good looking man and this evening I just thought, why not? And emailed him. He said he thought other men might not feel confident enough to contact me and that I was lovely. I think that's what I want men to think. Not "she's gorgeous" or "she's sexy" or "I'd do her" or whatever! I want them to think I'm lovely. Because I want the sort of man who wants to meet a lovely woman.

Perhaps, OP, you are coming across as so self assured that the men are being scared off.

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 22:22:01

Join a morris minor forum! bound to be lots of men on that. grin

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 22:27:20

Oh and although my profile has been looked at by men of all ages, the majority who have contacted me have been in my age range and only a couple have been outside it, but I've been contacted by as many who were too you as were too old.

I'm not interested in anyone more than 3 or 4 years younger than me.

I've included a bit of self deprecating humour too, simply because I've got some quite geeky hobbies and interests, but I'm not really all that geeky.

(I am).

I told my ex husband the other day about some of the new songs I'm working on with my guitar. And he told me (very good naturedly) that I was probably someone's ideal woman, he just wasn't really sure the world was ready for that man! grin

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 22:30:27

I meet plenty of men in the real world because of my hobbies and interests. Unfortunately, they are largely old, married, gay and sometimes a combination of those!

I'm really hoping OD works for me because otherwise I'm destined to be told that I'm lovely and I deserve someone very special by 70 year olds for ever more!!!

FreudiansSlipper Fri 02-Aug-13 22:37:55

20 year old tarts hmm

or do you mean 20 year old women who like to have casual relationships great for them why not

many men and women are looking for something casual but i have found many around my age have shown an interest some older and quite a few younger. yes i have had the odd cheesy line but also make the first move you then know if they are interest if they reply

FreudiansSlipper Fri 02-Aug-13 22:41:38

ok so you have messaged them

sometimes i think a profile that is too serious is off putting put some humour into it

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 23:31:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 23:33:24

Hey Matilda I'm on a roll at the moment, why not! grin

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 23:35:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 23:42:40

No. A different one. blush

I've got 2 dates next week, plus another pencilled in for the week after (he's away next week) and then hopefully I'll speak again with the good looking man from this evening.

I don't want to do this for long, I would like for one of them to work out, but for the moment at least, this is fun.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 23:48:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VelvetSpoon Sat 03-Aug-13 00:08:03

ODing is mostly a load of cobblers tbh, and certainly not as easy as some people would have you believe. If you do meet someone it is usually down to a huge dose of luck, or else having fairly low standards (like a friend of mine who would reply to practically any non-obscene message she received, whereas I might at best reply to the one in every 30 I found passably attractive).

I'm afraid I can't agree with all this 'you sound too self-assured', 'don't look a certain way in your photos' stuff. The right man won't be put off by anything like this, if he is then he isn't the right man. I'm not prepared to make myself out to be something I'm not just to get a date with some sad act who's scared of independent women, and OP you shouldn't feel you have to either. Likewise why should you have to consider men in their 40s, I'm in my 40s and I have yet to see one man my age who didn't look at least 10 years older. I don't do OD any more but when I did, I never searched above my own age, and mostly below it, because I didn't want to end up dating someone who looks old enough to be my dad!

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 00:14:03

Velvet That's so true. Under 40 - they seem quite ok but once they get over 40 they all seem to adopt a particular 'look'.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 03-Aug-13 00:33:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 00:36:11

Well it's generally being fat and bald. Grumpy expression. Photo taken from an unflattering angle.

WafflyVersatile Sat 03-Aug-13 00:39:27

vlevet I agree with you to an extent.

For instance I could play safer with my humour on mine but it's out there and no one reading it thinking 'she thinks she's funny but she'f not' is going to message me because who wants to spend time with someone whose humour you dislike. It maybe lowers the pool of men wanting to contact you but they would have been no good to you anyway.

OTOH. An ex of mine (met online but on on OD) I would never ever have gone out with had I met him at work. Would probably barely have spoken to him. So out of those ones dismissed for not being attractive enough there might have been someone that you would find attractive in another situation.

I've not had the 'over 40 have a look' experience. Maybe on POF, but they all seem to have a look whatever their age.

itchyandscratchy26 Sat 03-Aug-13 08:36:51

In my experience from 2004-2007 when using match and dating direct, I found that poor spelling and grammar was one of best indicators of time wasters or men after casual sex. One of the things that attracted me to DH was his ability to write a proper message with no text speak or 'lols' etc.
I used this to filter out quite a few.

maleview70 Sat 03-Aug-13 10:03:53

Bit of a generalisation here but men in their 30's when given a choice of hundred or thousands will go for the prettiest
girls who are at younger. Clearly some of these men have got no chance but we blokes all think we are gods gift and
attractive to all women!

One thing that does appeal to men is if women message them first. Amazing how a man can suddenly become interested when he knows someone is interested in him!

Do you message plenty or leave them to contact
You first?

VelvetSpoon Sat 03-Aug-13 10:47:15

It's interesting you say that re messaging men first maleview, back when I was OD-ing I sent lots of initial messages to men, barely got any replies back and those that did petered out after 2 or 3 exchanges, as the men seemed quite uninterested.

Re attractiveness, I find very few of the men who contact me attractive enough to reply to (maybe 1 in 30). Of course only a few of those result in dates - and of those dates there was only one I actually found attractive in the flesh (the others were ok, but not as good as their photos).

I've maybe had the opposite experience to a lot of people with online dating so I'll offer my 2ps worth!

Went on match aged 30 following a marriage split and can honestly say I had a great time! I kept my profile fairly light hearted and put about 4-5 photos on - different things such as one of my riding my horse, out with friends etc. there were a couple of oddities well outside the age range I'd put on (think I said 29-39) but mainly most contacts seems fairly genuine and nice. I met one guy and went out with him for several weeks but it became clear that he didn't really want a girlfriend so we called time on it. The second guy was gorgeous but seemed to HATE my dog so that didn't go anywhere. Then I met my now fiancée and he's perfect!

He said that he liked the different photos I had up and also what I'd written because it was about my personality and what I enjoyed rather than a list of what I didn't want etc.

I realise I was extremely lucky with dating this way but I honesty did y enjoy it and found it very good for my self esteem - it was v low at the time. I can see that a prolonged period doing it would be immensely frustrating tho. OP maybe take a bit of time away from it and see how you get on?

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 13:17:58

Fairy Your profile sounds similar to mine. One of the dates I had said he really liked the fact that the photos were all so different and showed the real me. And didn't look like they'd been staged just to make me look 'attractive'.

My profile is also shows my personality and talks about what I enjoy. I agree it's good for the self esteem too wink

I don't really expect to meet 'the one' (although it would be great if I did!). I want to find out who I am, what I am, what my deal breakers are... Already, I know that level of education/intelligence and the field someone works in are more important than the amount of money they earn. Ethnicity isn't an issue, neither is height, but weight and the type of humour someone uses both are.

Maleview that's really interesting. I've made the initial contact with most of the men I'm chatting with and they've both said that a lot of men lack the confidence to actually make contact with someone!

I spent 3.5 hours chatting with someone last night who I would initially have thought was a bit out of my league. I contacted him at the beginning of the week in a real "he's too good looking to not contact him - if I don't ask, I'll never know" sort of way. We've chatted for a couple of hours every night since and, so far, he's the one I've clicked with the most!

PasswordProtected Sat 03-Aug-13 13:31:04

OK, so if your profile is fine, what about your "requirements"?
Age range, appearance, location, interests?
Searching on: tall, dark, handsome prince, aged 35, with own castle and white horse, hobbies: dragon slaying & jousting, is probably not going to yield much.

PasswordProtected Sat 03-Aug-13 13:35:13

Should add, I met a charming older man online, some years ago, with whom I could easily have fallen in love, but I am too independent & competitve (his words, but put more diplomatically). He ended up remarrying (widower) after a whirlwind romance. I ended up with toyboy, good all round, but at the time I was not looking for a younger man!

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 13:35:16

Lol. Obviously not that. My requirements are very general and broad. I honestly think I'm just a bit too old, that combined with not being beautiful and having DC maybe puts them off.

4thfloor Sat 03-Aug-13 13:43:26

hadababygirl would you like to share your profile, even with one poster here that you trust, and get some neutral feedback on it?

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 13:46:25

Nooo, I am not up to the inevitable criticism that would follow. I genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with it but I think it just isn't for me x

PasswordProtected Sat 03-Aug-13 13:49:00

Well, to use that well-worn cliche, beauty is in the eye of the beholder ;-)
I was 47 (still just about) when I met toyboy, who was 41.

4thfloor Sat 03-Aug-13 14:00:46

hadababygirl why would anyone here critise, no one would.

I am wondering if maybe this is coming across in your profile and contacts you're making too? It sounds as if you're almost are accepting that no one will be interested possibly because you are at a low ebb yourself at the mo?

Sometimes our subconcious gives things away in our writing

So two questions

1) Do you really want a date/partner at the moment, for them, or is it to plug an emptiness

2) What would happen if you arranged a date? Would you turn up or back out at the last minute to avoid rejection?

No need to answer but thought I'd ask as this is how I felt once and looking back I thought my profile was great, but I can only now see where I was going wrong. I was putting subtle signals that I couldnt see at the time that were saying 'I'm know am unlovable' iyswim (really sorry if I'm way off the mark here smile

Nancy66 Sat 03-Aug-13 14:13:03

Do you just have one picture on your profile? That could be putting people off...

Everyone has one amazing, flattering picture of themselves. People who have only one photo are often only posting a picture where they look great but - maybe - it's not realistic.

Several photos offer a much clearer idea of how someone looks - and their body shape.

I have to admit that when I was internet dating I avoided the 'one picture' profiles as it was nearly always the case that they were a disappointment in the flesh.

yes, it's shallow but that - alas - is internet dating for you.

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 14:14:59

Nope, got several.

Flat - the thing is I've been trying for YEARS to meet somebody, I accept I may have a touch of cynicism now but certainly didn't back in 2008.

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 16:29:58

hada it won't be because you're too old (I'm older) or because you've got a child (I've got two and one's a teenager!) and it won't be because you're not beautiful (I'm reasonably attractive - but no more).

I made the offer upthread to C&P my profile to you in a PM and it still stands.

I wonder if 4thfloor has a point.

VelvetSpoon Sat 03-Aug-13 16:48:49

It is perfectly possible to do everything 'right' and still have no success with OD.

It is, as I said above, mostly luck. You
can't change that.

No need for the OP to be made to feel its her fault, chances are its not. I have been rejected time and again by men who wouldn't even have dared approach me in a bar. That is nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them, and their issues. OD is weird, and largely made up of socially inadequate men. Hence why I gave it up!

BadLad Sat 03-Aug-13 16:52:44

Men have much the same feelings, for your information. Reading other fora's threads about online dating, it seems that most men assume that they outnumber women 20-1 or so, and therefore they message loads of women at once, thinking that they are wasting their time if they only message one, as chances are she won't reply.

I would be happy to give a man's opinion of your profile and keep it schtum if you like.

JessieMcJessie Sat 03-Aug-13 18:27:01

OP, do you live in a large city? Possibly you are being filtered by location? Maybe change your location to London and see what happens. Appreciate that means that going on dates would be hard, but if the response is better, maybe you have to accept you are in the wrong place to maximise your chances of finding someone, and consider a move.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 03-Aug-13 18:42:27

I'm in a similar place to the OP except I get some messages, however they are usually one-line perve fests hmm. Think my profile needs re-wording. If you wouldn't mind pm-ing me your profile wording please Folkgirl (and anyone else who's having some success), I promise not to plagiarise you smile. Just want to get an idea of the general vibe of those who actually get dates.

OP

its not you smile

Ive done so much online dating that its not even funny. I have had no success. Ive had more dates than anyone should ever have in a lifetime. Should it be a numbers game, i should have won, several times over.

Im 34, i have a child, a job, nice house, im a fab person and i look ok too smile
ive a ton of interests, and am nice. I have a lovely profile and lots of pictures.

Unfortunately, with online dating, you are fishing in a pool that only has a very few ' nice' men in it. As the recent bbc docu showed, lots of profiles are fakes, then you need to remember lots are married and looking for a bit on the side, a very very high percentage are looking just for sex, quite a lot of whats left are single for some very obvious reasons or have massive issues which only someone with no sense would go near. and that leaves very very few decent men.

Its not you, and there isnt really a lot you can do about it, other than be open to things happening in real life and maybe being a bit pro active about it. rubbish i know. but thats what a lot of people who have done it for any lenght of time have found.

DiseasesOfTheSheep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:52:20

OP, eharmony wouldn't even let me on their site as their software is "unable" to suggest suitable matches for me, on the basis of the personality quiz answers I gave.

I guarentee they were all honest too blush

You're doing better than me!

LackingEnergy Sat 03-Aug-13 20:08:13

I was offered a trip to Venice by a guy twice my age when I joined a dating site blush. Didn't stay on it very long, only attracted gamers and older men, I don't game and am not interested in a 20+ age gap

Went out with work a few weeks later met and old friend, got drunk and slept it of at his, 5 years later he's now my dh and we have a ds smile

Dating sites aren't the bee all and end all smile

Changebagsandgladrags Sat 03-Aug-13 21:17:56

Ok, so I'm married to my Internet date. We've been together for 8 years.

Like you, I had a long run of n success. Those who did contact me were weirdos. Or if I went on a date we didn't gel. Or they were just after sex.

Here's what I learned:

1. Choose your site carefully. Sometimes free ones attract those looking for casual sex. Sometimes fee paying ones are better. I found DH on Loveandfriends, not sure if they are still going.

2. Write an interesting profile, something that relates to your personality. So mine was a bit jokey, but also serious.

3. Look at who is looking at you. DH looked at me, but didn't contact me. So I was like Oi, hello.

4. Email for a bit before going on a date.

OK, so I sound like a know-all. It took lots of time, there were lots of frogs and worse.

Also, try other things. I did singles wine tasting, I joined my local Ramblers group. I did conservation projects...

Ms23 Sat 03-Aug-13 23:49:42

I think the trick is in finding the right dating website. My friends have had success on match. An older friend said she had no luck until she added a 'sexy, messy haired' photo to the more professional/business-like photos she had before.

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