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to want to skip this wedding today...

(69 Posts)
DancingLady Thu 01-Aug-13 10:16:41

A few months ago I was invited to a wedding reception, taking place this evening. Invite was via Facebook group. The person getting married is a lovely woman I worked with 15 years ago and haven't seen in about 12 years. We got in touch on Facebook and exchanged one catch-up email, said oh we must meet up, never did. And a few months ago she invited me to her wedding.

I accepted to be polite and because I thought it'd be nice to see her. But now it's the actual day I really don't want to go!

My reasons are:

It's really fucking hot today and I don't want to sit on public transport for over an hour, in rush hour.
My asthma gets worse in hot weather. I'm already anxious about this.
The wedding is way up in north London and I live in deepest south.
Am wondering if I was invited to make up numbers?
No one gets to chat to people at their own wedding, do they? I'll say five words to her and that'll be it.
I won't know a single person there except her
It's at a house not a venue, so they won't have catered a meal for me or anything
Would you even notice if an acquaintance didn't show up for your wedding reception?

Should i go? Think it's pretty obvious I'm looking for reasons not to...

FeckOffCup Thu 01-Aug-13 10:19:45

I would be tempted not to go either but if you really don't want to then I wouldn't just not turn up and hope she doesn't notice. I would send an email or text apologising that your asthma is very bad today and you aren't feeling up to it then send her a nice card and suggest meeting up for a coffee sometime to see the wedding photos.

HollyBerryBush Thu 01-Aug-13 10:20:20

Don't make excuses, just don't go.

BeCool Netherlands Thu 01-Aug-13 10:21:33

Don't go - it's OK.
I agree with FeckOff's advice

TylerHopkins Thu 01-Aug-13 10:21:47

I'd do what Feck suggested.

UC Thu 01-Aug-13 10:31:07

I think it's rude to just not turn up and not even say anything. I would send a message (on FB) apologising, saying that I was ill and wouldn't be able to go, and that I was really sorry but hoped they have a wonderful day and a very happy life together. Job done.

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Thu 01-Aug-13 10:33:13

I think FeckOffCup's advice is very good and tactful.

I would just add to the message that asthma + hot weather could actually be very nasty for you, just in case she doesn't realise. I'm afraid I used to think that asthma was in most cases some minor breathing difficulty that could be sorted out by a quick blast of Ventolin. That was before my sister had a nasty attack and had to be carted off to hospital.

DancingLady Thu 01-Aug-13 10:49:03

Thanks all, yep I was considering just not going and then emailing her later, reasoning that she won't be checking her FB messages on her wedding day. but yes that'd be rude. Feck - good idea, I've bought them a lovely card and I'd much sooner meet up with just her and have a proper catch-up than wave at her across a crowded room.

Will use my asthma/the heat as my reason, as it's just so horrible in this weather.

hatsybatsy Thu 01-Aug-13 10:51:48

use any reason you like, but to not go IMO is rude. It's only one side of London to the other - you could just stay for a short while and then excuse yourself?

what if ALL the other guests are feeling the way you are? what if no one shows up???

WilsonFrickett Thu 01-Aug-13 10:51:59

I'm almost 99% sure the bride to be won't be sitting on MN today, what with it being her wedding day an all, but as you have your answer I think you should maybe get the thread pulled as it's quite identifiable and I'm sure you wouldn't want your friend to come across it and be hurt?

I don't think you are being U, by the way, just that it's pretty easy for someone in the wedding to know who you are, etc.

DancingLady Thu 01-Aug-13 11:02:04

I very much doubt the bride will be on MN - she doesn't have kids. And I don't know anyone going to the wedding, so not sure how it'll be identifiable...?

Hatsybatsy - I'm sure most of the guest have seen her in the last decade and are closer to her than I am...

snickersnacker Thu 01-Aug-13 11:15:25

It's a Thursday - how many weddings in north London houses can be happening today? I agree that it's pretty identifiable, but that may not be a concern to you.

DancingLady Thu 01-Aug-13 11:21:41

OK, point taken. How do I pull it?

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 01-Aug-13 12:06:21

i dont have kids and im on mn

tbh i think your reasons suck, its hot and you cant be arsed basically

if you didnt want to go originally you should have said no/even given the excuse that cant get day off work (as a thursday) and offer to meet up after honeymoon for a catch up and look at photos

and yes i would notice if someone didnt turn up at my wedding or any party i hosted

WaitMonkey Thu 01-Aug-13 12:17:45

Yeah, I think you should have gone to be honest. But you've decided now anyway. If you report your op, you can ask MNHQ to pull the thread on the grounds you could be identified.

specialsubject Thu 01-Aug-13 12:19:23

you're not well - collapsing on the tube doesn't help anyone. It's only a party.

but do send a message or text - appreciate she may not check in time but the message needs to be there. Just explain that you really apologise, but you are not well enough to attend and wish her all the best.

TarkaTheOtter Thu 01-Aug-13 12:23:29

My mum recently had her wedding reception in her house and did cater so the people who couldn't be bothered to turn up without notice did cost her money. She was really upset by the no shows.
You should have declined earlier.

TheSecondComing Thu 01-Aug-13 12:27:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvieanneVolvic Thu 01-Aug-13 12:28:05

[sigh] there's always one isn't there?

I don't think there is any suggestion that Dancing can't be bothered Tarka, but she is concerned about managing her asthma.

Another one voting for Feck's advice here.

Viviennemary Thu 01-Aug-13 12:29:33

It is a bit off not to go on the day if you just can't be bothered. Nevertheless I do sympathise as I would feel the same way myself especially if you've seen her once in the decade. She probably will notice you're not there as it must be a fairly small wedding if it's in a house. Unless it's a stately home! I'd probably grumble to myself in the circumstances but still go. It's too late really on the day to decide not to go.

shewhowines Thu 01-Aug-13 12:30:00

I'd feel the same. Tell her now though. Don't just not turn up.

EvieanneVolvic Thu 01-Aug-13 12:31:02

Well that's how you read it Second .

I would say it's not that she can't be arsed is that she has a medical condition that is likely to be exacerbated by the heat (it's frigging 32 in London atm). And the fact that it's small and in a private house makes it all the more reason not to show...it kind of puts an onus on the B and G....

Crumbledwalnuts Thu 01-Aug-13 12:31:24

Yes, I think you should go to. If you are unwell then don't but if you're just using it as an excuse I don't think you should do that. I would go and leave early. Leave after an hour. But not to go is rude.

EvieanneVolvic Thu 01-Aug-13 12:32:37

And ftr I had my wedding reception at home, and one of my friends showed up for the wedding but her DP was feeling off and they went straight home rather than back to our place. We're still friends!

Crumbledwalnuts Thu 01-Aug-13 12:32:40

I think yes you will be missed, and you will secure your place in heaven if you make the effort smile

KingRollo Thu 01-Aug-13 12:33:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meganorks Thu 01-Aug-13 12:33:52

I actually think it is pretty rude not to go. You should have considered your reasons when asked and then either accepted or declined. You accepted so now you should go.
And I don't just think that because its a wedding, same goes for anything your invited to - birthday, whatever. Its really hurtful when people say they will come and then just don't bother.

TarkaTheOtter Thu 01-Aug-13 12:34:36

I understand asthma - I have it too and have been suffering in the heat. But the hot weather isn't a massive surprise. Tbh if the op can't manage a bus ride because of we asthma she needs to be seeing her gp today.

stickingattwo Thu 01-Aug-13 12:36:34

I think you should go, even to show your face for a bit - it's inexcusable to accept the invite then let someone down on the day, their wedding day, because you can't be arsed to go from South London to North. Maybe you'll meet some nice new people - chatting will be easy as you all have something in common to start a conversation - you all know the bride. You'll get to see her for a while, how big can it be if it's at a house? you should have either declined or let her know in advanced that you couldn't go.

BettyandDon Thu 01-Aug-13 12:37:32

I agree with blondes. Basically you can't be bothered. You should have rejected the invite ages ago.

I had a wedding this summer and knew exactly who was there for reception. We had a few 'can't be arsed to comes' a few days before and it was very hurtful tbh. It used to be considered an honour to get an invite to a wedding.

I say either suck it up and go or be prepared to lose the friendship. I have a friend who was a 'cant be arsed' to come who is now desperately calling and texting to meet up and she is now right at the very bottom of my priority list. Why should the bride make time for you later on under your terms when you can't even be bothered for her once in a lifetime event? Just put yourself in her shoes.

guiltyconscience Thu 01-Aug-13 12:38:18

FFS don't go tell her on fb you have an asthma attack you won't be missed and you can always send her a lovely bunch of flowers or chocs or pressie or something to make up for it stay home in the cool and chill. Life's too short to worry bout what ppl think of you over something as little as this.have a lovely day op it's not often we get this sort if weather!

Crumbledwalnuts Thu 01-Aug-13 12:40:50

It's not what people think of you. It's doing something for someone else for their sake.

guiltyconscience Thu 01-Aug-13 12:48:37

Sometimes we need to think of ourselves first.Op is worried about her health and therefore should not put herself under pressure she should remain calm and rested.Stress is a known factor in bringing on asthma attacks.Op you are, in your own best interests, right to not attend.

BettyandDon Thu 01-Aug-13 12:48:44

KingRollo - your odds are nearly as bad as mine. I invited 7 good female friends + their families ...only 1 showed up on the day. Initially I thought their actions were not worth losing the friendship over, but I can't get over it. Makes me feel sick and now I think actually I don't want these people in my life. Did you approach your friends over it and tell them how upset you were ?

<hijack over>

BettyandDon Thu 01-Aug-13 12:50:48

Genuine illness is one thing, but I am sure the OP could take an AC train or cab if she really wanted or come later when it is cooler.

whois Thu 01-Aug-13 12:57:18

OP isn't ill, she can't be bothered. I think to pretty rude to no show on the day.

OP I'm sure you could work out a decent route. The overground (actual overground not main line trains) is lovely and air conditioned, with spacious trains.

Sorry, I think YABU. I'm another bride who had guests who didn't turn up on the day. I've never confronted them about it, but wish I had. Did they really think I wouldn't notice? I was in the middle of my wedding breakfast and worrying if something had happened, because surely no good friend could be that rude?

I get why you don't want to go, but you've accepted and now you need to make the effort. You don't need to stay long. I often find that things I don't want to go to end up being surprisingly good fun.

MintyChops Thu 01-Aug-13 13:00:03

You should have said no to the invitation before now. Did you not consider beforehand that sometimes it's hot in the summer? Pretty shitty to pull out on the day, actually really shitty. And yes they will have catered for you because you said you would be there.

specialsubject Thu 01-Aug-13 13:00:07

a cab across London? Who is made of that much money? And I'm sure the OP would consider an air-con train if there was one.

It's ONLY A PARTY! The OP is anxious and it is unexpectedly hot. Big triggers for an asthma attack. Someone collapsing on the tube brings it to a halt. All the commuters will love that.

BTW someone didn't turn up to my small wedding because of illness. It happens. Everyone else just got some extra food. I didn't throw a bridezilla strop.

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin Thu 01-Aug-13 13:05:10

Agree with tsc. Are people with asthma not going ro work today?

LayMizzRarb Thu 01-Aug-13 13:12:56

She's had a lucky escape, If your only reason to accept the invitation was to be polite, as you say, even if she doesn't realise it. She could probably do without flaky fakes on her special day.

As it is being held in a house, you're unlikely to be 'waving across a crowded room'

Could there be other people present that you worked with? You think you were invited to 'make up the numbers'? Why? Are you fantastically witty or ultra interesting?

KingRollo Thu 01-Aug-13 13:13:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingRollo Thu 01-Aug-13 13:16:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing Thu 01-Aug-13 13:21:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hatsybatsy Thu 01-Aug-13 13:28:38

all these people saying OP is ill? She is not ill - she has asthma and is trying to use that as an excuse not to cross London. Because it's hot.

She CBA to go to this wedding - she shouldn't have accepted the invitation but she did. IMO that means she should go. As I said earlier, what if all this person's friends CBA and she is left with an empty church and then an empty house?

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 01-Aug-13 13:47:17

exactly tarka and who is

op literally cant be arsed to go - she says in her first post

Should I go? Think it's pretty obvious I'm looking for reasons not to...

she isnt ill - she has a medical condition that 1000's of people have, including my oh

who is at this moment sweating his bollocks off working outside as thats his job and has to-he cant say not working today as its hot - his clients would laugh and use someone else

if op feels her 'illness' is that bad that travelling would make it worse then she needs to see a doctor

its just an excuse

i really think its rude to cancel on the day for op's reasons- if she had S&D fair enough

Angloamerican Thu 01-Aug-13 15:46:38

I'm with those who think you should go. It's very rude to skip out in someone's wedding because you can't be bothered to go. It's hot, yes, but you're not planning on walking, are you? I would be be very upset if someone bailed on my wedding day without a very good reason. I don't think your asthma is such a reason, in afraid. It's not a housewarming, it's a wedding. Make the effort. You'll be glad you did!

BeCool Netherlands Thu 01-Aug-13 16:24:07

keep in mind the only contact the OP has with the bride for the last TWELVE years is via FB. And the wedding invite was via a FB group invite.
I just can't see that a no show would be a big deal. it sounds very informal to me.

If I invited someone I worked with 15 years ago, and had no ongoing relationship outside of FB to anything, I doubt I would register if they were there or not. I very much doubt the bride is sobbing into her bubbly wondering where DancingLady from FB is!

Emilythornesbff Thu 01-Aug-13 16:26:29

YANBU.
How were you to know that it might be hot in August? Or that you'd need to take public transport?
wink
I understand why you cba. I can barely face clearing the toys up from the garden befor kids' bath time. But this is your friend's wedding reception.
You are very likely to be missed. They will have catered for you in some way, no mattwhat hat you say they won't and it's rude to just not go.
Maybe txt or call a bridesmaid or someone in the wedding party with an excuse.

And hope you aren't recognised from your op grin

hatsybatsy Thu 01-Aug-13 16:50:12

becool - no one thinks the bride is sobbing into her bubbly. people just think that it's common decency to follow through when you say you'll do something.

ds was invited to a classmate's party a while back. come the day itself it was roasting hot and a lot of people ducked out of the party and skipped off to the beach. cue one little girl with 10 people rather than 20 at her party. lots of uneaten food and wasted party bags. It's rude. I made ds go and we compromised with a swim afterwards.

if op wasn't bothered about renewing this friendship why did she say yes in the first place?

wokeupwithasmile Thu 01-Aug-13 17:13:26

People with asthma should check the weather forecast on Mondays so that they know whether they can go out on Thursdays. This week it was spot on.

BeCool Netherlands Thu 01-Aug-13 17:32:51

Isn't it ironic the OP accepted the FB wedding invite "to be polite"?

wonderingsoul Thu 01-Aug-13 17:41:44

one of my "best" friends didnt turn up to my wedding because she didnt have anythign to wear... that put a burner on our friendship and still piss's me off even though im divorced now.

that sai di do think you should attmep tto go, even just to show your face. but i dont think she'll be upset..seeing as you havnt seen her for a while but i do think it will prevent you from meeting up in the future.

so its up to you? do you want a relationship with her.

PomBearArmy Thu 01-Aug-13 17:45:44

I don't blame you one bit OP. I don't have asthma and I thought I was going to collapse negotiating public transport today, the buses were horrendous, I felt like I lost a stone in sweat.

And it's not like you're a close friend, not if you were casually invited by Facebook!

I hope you enjoyed your day in the garden smile

expatinscotland Thu 01-Aug-13 17:47:45

For an evening do? Just don't go.

expatinscotland Thu 01-Aug-13 17:49:44

But I'd not go to any evening do.

theodorakisses Thu 01-Aug-13 17:55:42

Don't go. They will not notice, send a message explaining why and a nice gift. The risk is it may have been a really enjoyable experience that you miss, on the other hand, you can have a brilliant bonus time at home and savour every second of not going. If you do that, push the boat out and order whatever takeaway you fancy, snuggle up on the sofa and be lovely to your family. Life is too short to not have those bonus moments. We recently were dreading an extremely formal dinner, they cancelled that afternoon and we donned pjs and had a lush waste day.

Angloamerican Thu 01-Aug-13 19:27:29

You think it's ok to skip out on a wedding that you RSVP'd to in order to have a nice takeaway? Some friend you are!

Bowlersarm Thu 01-Aug-13 19:36:51

I cannot believe people think it's ok to just not turn up at a wedding.

How rude and inconsiderate.

I, hope, in general, people are not as 'me, me, me' in RL.

If you accept an invitation, then you go unless something serious crops up. Not because you can't be arsed.

I feel very sad for this lovely person who invited you, OP.

I think it is rude to not go to something you've said you'd attend without a pretty good reason. The other side of london is hardly the outer hebrides.

digerd Thu 01-Aug-13 20:07:50

I have asthma and today has been terrible - the worst this summer. I live just north of London. It is 29.5 and very humid - suffocating still.

Hope you are OK OP

SweetSeraphim Thu 01-Aug-13 22:27:40

Sorry, but I agree with the posters that said you were just looking for excuses not to go because you couldn't be arsed. In fact you said it yourself. I think if it wasn't a close enough friend, then you shouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place - but to do so and not go is really rude. There were friends of mine that didn't turn up to my wedding, and my 40th birthday party that I have never forgiven - and that's not because I'm all precious about it, it's just horribly bad manners.

theodorakisses Fri 02-Aug-13 07:38:22

The person concerned isn't a close friend, she hasn't even seen her for years. Yes I do think life is too short, why torture yourself? Would someone you haven't seen for 12 years be a priority at your wedding? And, seriously, a Facebook invite? Is that even valid?

SweetSeraphim Fri 02-Aug-13 16:17:41

So, did you go, OP? And if not, did you let her know?

MintyChops Sat 03-Aug-13 10:42:20

Yes, come on OP, what did you do?

mameulah Sat 03-Aug-13 10:47:33

You haven't seen her in twelve years. Do what feck said then don't go and don't worry about it. But don't expect to maintain your friendship.

SweetSeraphim Sat 03-Aug-13 15:07:12

She's not going to tell us, is she Minty sad

MintyChops Sat 03-Aug-13 16:50:03

Well Seraphim, she may be one of those posters that didn't like it when people on AIBU actually said yes, YABU!!! I doubt we'll hear from her (or she went, she scored and she hasn't made it home yet).....

SweetSeraphim Sat 03-Aug-13 19:16:05

grin

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