To be sick of DP's poo crumbs?

(403 Posts)
nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:14:20

My DP is very hairy. He leaves poo crumbs and hair on the seat every day and I'm sick of wiping it. This is way worse than the seat-up-or-down debate. I finally snapped after a year and told him he must start using wet wipes to avoid the poo crumb issue. I feel like I'm looking after a 2 year old in this regard.

It's been particularly bad in bed this summer as he sleeps naked so the crumbs go EVERYWHERE.

He says I have no right to interfere in his toilet routine and I say I'm not sexing someone who can't keep their poo crumbs under control.

His family are full of boys and he says the poo crumbs thing is normal and that I'm overreacting. AIBU?

Klingons on the starboard bow huh? I wouldn't be "sexing" that either.

cfc Wed 31-Jul-13 20:16:01


Have heard it all now #boak

Catsize Wed 31-Jul-13 20:16:04

I thank God I am maried to a woman... smile
Never heard of poo crumbs.

Catsize Wed 31-Jul-13 20:16:41

Married. Oops.

HollyBerryBush Wed 31-Jul-13 20:16:52

excellent user name for such a problem

ThePinkOcelot Wed 31-Jul-13 20:17:30

confused what are poo crumbs?

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:17:50

He is majorly Klingon. I used to like it until I realised in the last few weeks (thanks to MN) why there was always such a mess on the toilet seat.

dontputaringonit Wed 31-Jul-13 20:17:53

Wtf is a poo crumb??!?!?


Vajazzler Wed 31-Jul-13 20:18:22

I'd tell him he either uses the wet wipes to prevent the crumbs or he'll have to get his crack waxed wink

NatashaBee Wed 31-Jul-13 20:18:43

Eww. Just ick.

dontputaringonit Wed 31-Jul-13 20:18:48

The Klingon bit - you LIKED that he left shit on the pan. Whaaaaat?! confused

FriskyHenderson Wed 31-Jul-13 20:18:53

Tell him it's twin beds from here on in if he doesn't get a crack wax.

Xales Wed 31-Jul-13 20:19:59

Never known anyone leave poo crumbs on the toilet seat personally. Even if he does leave them, does he have no eyes to see them or hands to wipe them himself?

Nope you do it as he considers it beneath him and your job or doesn't care enough for you to leave the seat decent.

I certainly wouldn't be sharing a bed/bathroom (imagine getting in a bath after) with someone that leaves them everywhere.

SuckAtRelationships Wed 31-Jul-13 20:20:11

oh my days, that is the most revolting thing. I would not live with this man. It is not normal. Women have ass hair too (if they chose to go natural) and if it's crumby <boak boak boak boak> we can sort it out just as well as they can.

I honestly would leave over this. Or infact, I would never have moved in over this. So gross.

Sleeping in it.


If you're a troll the level of boak is genius grin

5madthings Wed 31-Jul-13 20:21:01

yuk yuk.yuk.

four boys here all trained to clean up the toilet of any drips etc after use.

it is not normal to leave shit on the loo seat after you use it and as for 'poo crumbs' in the bed....boak, i would be sleeping in another bed!

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 20:21:28

OMG, never mind seperate beds it would be seperate houses for me if he didn't sort it out!

AuntPepita Wed 31-Jul-13 20:21:54

Vom. Ugh. <shudder>

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 31-Jul-13 20:22:36

Poo troll - has to be.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:23:57

I wish I was a troll.

Nooo, I meant that I used to like the Klingon hairiness! Obviously ever since I realised the mess on the toilet seat and the bed was old poo then I started to resent the hairiness...

Yes, he likes to share baths with me, and while I love the intimacy I can't help thinking of all the hair and other crap floating around me as soon as he gets in sad

candycoatedwaterdrops Wed 31-Jul-13 20:24:46

What are poo crumbs?!

deepfriedsage Wed 31-Jul-13 20:26:23

Never heard of such an issue, he needs a checkup with the GP.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:26:40

I hadn't thought of that, SuckAtRelationships. The only dongleberries I've ever heard of were caused by men, but of course it would be possible for women to make them...we're just clean enough to prevent them!

How about grating a little bit of one of your own turds over his side of the bed and seeing how he likes it?

Do not put up with this you are not his bloody skivvy and this is disgusting!

ClaraOswald Wed 31-Jul-13 20:28:55

The only way they can happen is if he doesn't wipe properly.

He needs to use wet wipes.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:30:26

He has problems with piles which I think excerbates the problem. I said that the sensitive wet-wipes I bought will help and then he won't need to irritate the area as much. He disagrees. Aaargh!

elvisola Wed 31-Jul-13 20:30:56

Wait till he's asleep in his soup of poo crumbs, stick a couple of Immac wax strips between his butt cheeks and leave for as long as possible for maximum sticking effect. Then rip.

If he complains tell him it was to save your relationship. Eugghh!

deepfriedsage Wed 31-Jul-13 20:31:48

How can you sleep on a giant nappy each night? Boak. I would ltb and put down the sheets, bath and toilet seat behavior as examples of his unreasonable behavior, nobody would expect anyone to live under those conditions.

SuckAtRelationships Wed 31-Jul-13 20:33:53

er, I have a hairy arse (WHAT?! I can't be arsed (pun) waxing/shaving right now!) AND I have piles. I have no poo crumbs. If it's not easy to wipe with tissues alone then I use sensitive baby wipes.

He is making excuses for being revolting.

I honestly would leave over that. It's beyond foul.

orangeandemons Wed 31-Jul-13 20:34:42

I thought the correct name for these was winnets? <irrelevant>

HollyBerryBush Wed 31-Jul-13 20:36:07

cant he shit and shower?

maddening Wed 31-Jul-13 20:36:55

Don't do the waxing <imagines complications with the piles> <slightly sick in throat>

The fuck?!


That is beyond revolting.

maddening Wed 31-Jul-13 20:37:32

Veet maybe?

maddening Wed 31-Jul-13 20:38:02

Oh and tell him to have a bath every night before bed

Nirvana79 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:38:21

I'd leave him, seriously. Tell him you'll come back once he's toilet trained. Dirty bastard.

Faithless12 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:39:40

YANBU, that is gross! I feel sick, make him sleep in a separate bed, wearing something.

Gargula Wed 31-Jul-13 20:40:46

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

fluffyraggies Wed 31-Jul-13 20:40:52



fluffyraggies Wed 31-Jul-13 20:41:29

It's 'Clag-nuts', surely?

RhondaJean Wed 31-Jul-13 20:41:40


I've just tried to imagine my DHs face if he did this once, and failed. He would be mortified. What fully functioning adult can't manage to wipe their own arse properly???

NomNomDePlum Wed 31-Jul-13 20:42:02

no-one who thinks it's okay to leave chunks of shit all over the place deserves to be sharing a living space. how can you even look at him? dear god.

ViviPru Wed 31-Jul-13 20:42:41


SnoopySnoopyDoggDogg Wed 31-Jul-13 20:43:05

dongleberries ??!!?! grin grin grin grin

Poo troll or not this is hilarious grin

MamaLazarou Wed 31-Jul-13 20:44:48

I have been married to a hairy-bummed man for ten years and had never heard of poo crumbs until just now. LTB! Wiping your arse properly really is one of the basic requisites of happy marriage.

Messandmayhem Wed 31-Jul-13 20:46:03

I...... What...... Why doesn't....

Fuck. I have nothing.


Flossiechops Wed 31-Jul-13 20:46:13

Love it!! Poo crumbs - I've heard it all now grin

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 20:46:31

Buy him one of these OP!

starfishmummy Wed 31-Jul-13 20:47:08

I can't help but wonder if the poo crumbs are cube shaped........

Fairylea Wed 31-Jul-13 20:47:51

Isn't it chug nuts?? Blueerhhgghhh.

<feels incredibly sick>

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:47:55

Omg, I didn't know it was this bad. I can't be the only woman going through this, surely? He's quite tidy in all other areas...well, he goes about a week between beard-trims, but he does shower every day more or less

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 20:48:23

Bollox link fail, that was meant to show a mug with the definition of winnet on it but it won't let me post it!

neverbefore Wed 31-Jul-13 20:48:44

never seen a poo crumb on the seat in my life and ive got 2 children , hope he doesnt sleep naked dirty bastard

Fairylea Wed 31-Jul-13 20:49:06
soverylucky Wed 31-Jul-13 20:49:28

Why on earth did I open this thread? This is not normal OP - not normal at all. I feel sick.

KatOD Wed 31-Jul-13 20:49:37

That is grim! YANBU he's being grim. I have a brother, Dad and husband who would not think this is normal/acceptable!

Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:50:33

Chug nuts must be fairly common, or they wouldn't have made it into the Urban Dictionary, right?

I can't be the only woman living with this, right?

If poo crumbs are normal, OP, then it must be normal to clean them up too (though I'd be willing to bet my right hand it's not bloody normal - most people can clean themselves after a shit).

Leaving dried chunks of faeces on the toilet seat is unforgivable.


nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:51:13

Maybe he was never taught how to go toilet properly. I know from staying over at MIL's that his brother does it as well.

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 20:51:17
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 31-Jul-13 20:51:37

This thread is going to give me nightmares.
Poo crumbs? ! <boaky boak boak x a zillion>

Oh lordy that's just wrong. On so many levels wrong.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 20:52:01

Actually his brother is worse, I walked barefoot on the bathroom tiles for at least 3 feet until I realised what I was walking on.

Poo crumbs and pubes.

I am the only woman in a house full of males and I have never seen a poo crumb.

I suspect I would leave if I did.

pictish Wed 31-Jul-13 20:52:42

Agghh your felly has dangleberries!
Omg! Stop him!!

MrsApplepants Wed 31-Jul-13 20:53:00

This is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. LTB

SuckAtRelationships Wed 31-Jul-13 20:53:10

nomore - it's in the Urban dictionary cos it can happen, but most normal people are capable of actually preventing it and sorting it if they get one or two. To have this a permanent thing that is not sorted is not normal.

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 20:53:40

No, Baroness I live in a household of males. I have never seen a poo crumb either. If DH left them in the bed I'd go fucking spare tbh!

Tittypulumpcious Wed 31-Jul-13 20:53:50

Troll...with poo crumbs biscuit

Chopsypie Wed 31-Jul-13 20:54:39

Wife to a very hairy man here. He uses wet wipes if needs be. We've never had a problem with poo crumbs. He needs to sort himself out

pictish Wed 31-Jul-13 20:54:45

No poo crumbs here. I have never heard the like.

Ellellie Wed 31-Jul-13 20:55:09

My OH could shit for England but I have never seen a poo crumb!

must not check bathroom floor too closely


MamaLazarou Wed 31-Jul-13 20:55:34

Honestly, OP, winnets may be fairly common in some circles, but LEAVING THEM THERE when you know they are going to fall off in the BED YOU SHARE WITH YOUR WIFE is absolute madness.

thewhitequeen Wed 31-Jul-13 20:55:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katatonic Wed 31-Jul-13 20:56:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsRochestersCat Wed 31-Jul-13 20:56:43

No no no no no!!! This is bad!! I have brothers - at no age would this have been acceptable! Not even sleeping in a bed with nappy spillage is ok - and this is before toilet training!!

SuburbanRhonda Wed 31-Jul-13 20:57:01

Poo crumbs and piles.

Your DH sounds a real catch, OP.

Fairylea Wed 31-Jul-13 20:57:22

Put veet in his arsecrack when he's asleep. No more hair. No more chugnuts.

Gruntfuttocks Wed 31-Jul-13 20:57:29

"Clinkers" in this household. I've never seen a detached one, if you see what I mean...

<crying with laughter> Kids are asking me what I'm laughing about..

Scarletohello Wed 31-Jul-13 20:58:11

Omg I have never laughed as much as on this ( but OP I do feel your pain ) and for once, am glad I'm single !!

ageofgrandillusion Wed 31-Jul-13 20:58:27

This is gross. The filthy fucker should wash his arse after each dump if his ringer is so bloody hairy.

Put veet in his arsecrack when he's asleep


pictish Wed 31-Jul-13 20:58:42

Me too thewhitequeen grin shock

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 31-Jul-13 20:59:13

I'm sorry - he refuses to clean up after himself?

Does he actually think that it's your job to wipe up his poo and arse hair?

Might I suggest a dustpan and brush and the garnishing of his every meal?

Or at least relocating them to his pillow.

It's not so much the mess as the apparent attitude that you should just be ok cleaning it!

pictish Wed 31-Jul-13 21:01:15

My dh is in posession of a hairy ol' arse, and you may be assured there are no dangleberries swinging free in this house.
Tell him to clean himself better, the filthy beggar.

KnittedC Wed 31-Jul-13 21:01:28

I have never before read a while thread with my hand clamped over my mouth. I don't have the words to express how thoroughly filthy, vile, and completely unacceptable this/he is.


fluffyraggies Wed 31-Jul-13 21:02:06


Whatever - it's all revolting! shock

Wet wipes or divorce.

Scarletohello Wed 31-Jul-13 21:02:13

I wonder OP, do you ever rim your DH..? Bloody hope he never expects you to. < boak >

Never mind the wet wipes - he'd be going through a sheep dip before he got anywhere near the bedroom. grin

MamaLazarou Wed 31-Jul-13 21:02:54

How can you bear to have sex with someone who's got shit on their arse?

Eww buy him some washlets asap. He can't be wiping properly.

Reminds me of a woman at work that left fanny dandruff on the loo seat. sad

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:03:35

He wouldn't notice if I put them on his pillow so no revenge satisfaction there sad he is seriously SO dozy that I don't think it's ever occurred to him to look at the toilet seat, let alone clean it.

Anyway I had it out with him last night, and either he hasn't been to the loo yet or he has actually cleaned the seat. I've made the bed and it is STAYING CLEAN. I don't mind the toilet being crumby but the bed was really the last straw.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Wed 31-Jul-13 21:03:45

My husband is unbelievably hairy (seriously, he's more gorilla than man) but has never suffered with "poo crumbs" or indeed left any such trace on the loo seat or in our bed (<vom> by the way).

You should not have to clean this up! It's his mess - literally. YEEURGH.

Fakebook Wed 31-Jul-13 21:04:15

EURGH. 😷😷😷😷😷😷. Buy him some anusol for the piles, but fill the tube with veet beforehand.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:04:54

Fanny dandruff shock

What on earth is that...I don't want to know...?!!! I didn't think our pubis had a scalp-like surface that enabled flakes???

Shitsinger Wed 31-Jul-13 21:04:59

who are you really OP 10/10 for a great wind up grin

Back2Two Wed 31-Jul-13 21:06:06

I think the veet suggestion is your best bet.

My dh is like the princess and the pea. One suggestion of a crumb (And I'm talking TOAST) on his side of the bed and he's out of bed sweeping the sheet like a crazed thing.

Poo crumbs eh? That's not good for your sex life.

I knew someone once who said when they had sex with their DH and she went on top there were always skidders in the bed after. sad

MamaLazarou Wed 31-Jul-13 21:06:19

At the very least, he should shower before bed. No-one should have to sleep in faecal matter.

MamaLazarou Wed 31-Jul-13 21:07:48

'Fanny dandruff'?

How do you know it was fanny dandruff and not just normal head dandruff?

Or the damp patch and faecal matter Mama. sad

Funghoul Wed 31-Jul-13 21:08:12

Read this to my dp. He said "what the fuck are poo crumbs? I've got a hairy arse and I've never had poo crumbs tell him to wipe his fucking arse properly!"

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:08:23

Mm, my best friend left a man because he left skids in his underwear. This is something different entirely.

I left a man partly because he wouldn't stop leaving pubes in the bed and I was really, really unattracted to him.

I'm not unattracted to DP now, I'm just...meh. If he made an effort about everything, not just the crumbs, I might be up for some.

BoredNinja Wed 31-Jul-13 21:08:44

The fanny dandruff was always at the front of the loo seat and a bit on the floor.

Fakebook Wed 31-Jul-13 21:09:16

Poo crumbs in bed must melt back into slushy poo when warmed and mixed with sweat. You need to sort this shit out OP. it's going to make you ill.

filee777 Wed 31-Jul-13 21:09:28

It is disturbing that this man feels you should have to deal with this.

neverbefore Wed 31-Jul-13 21:09:40

oh ffs just reread your post and he does sleep naked , id make him sleep elsewhere dirty dirty cunt

2rebecca Wed 31-Jul-13 21:10:43

Sounds like he's sitting way too far back on the seat or is umpteen stones overweight. never come across this before. He needs to learn to clean up after himself. No bloke would leave "poo crumbs" on a toilet shared with me more than once. You are mad for not putting him straight the first time he did it.

nauticant Wed 31-Jul-13 21:10:59

Can I just say how much I enjoyed reading the phrase:

he considers it beneath him

in this thread.

I wonder how many posters are going to be closely examining their bed sheets (fnarr) tonight.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:11:35

Maybe it was talc rather than fanny dandruff?

When I was a child at private school (tons of drug talk there) I always thought it was cocaine, before I knew that talc was a relatively common bathroom product.

Coffeenowplease Wed 31-Jul-13 21:11:36

Thats not normal. Have you asked why he isnt capable as an adult, of wiping his own arse ? Honestly I couldnt put up with that from anyone who isnt a child/has a disability or a puppy.

On a side note I once met a bloke who admitted he was too lazy to keep wiping his bum until the paper was clean. Wtf is wrong with people ?

Dear god. You are a far more tolerant woman than I am. I lived with hairy arse rugby players at uni, and dp has quite an impressive amount of body hair, but I have never seen a real life winnet.

And if DP ever left as skiddies in the bed after sex... Vom.

everlong Wed 31-Jul-13 21:12:02

What the fuck

I would divorce him immediately.

Gooseysgirl Wed 31-Jul-13 21:13:01

OMG I have not laughed so much since the yoni massage thread gringringrin

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:13:58

I think he's sitting too far back on the seat. He's got a big arse but not THAT big. He probably sits far back so he can pee at the same time, I can imagine that as he's useless at multi-tasking and very lazy.

MooseBeTimeForSpring Wed 31-Jul-13 21:14:23

Never mind the fanny dandruff, how did you find out that the crumbs in the bed were of the poo variety???

KatOD Wed 31-Jul-13 21:14:34

Just showed this to my husband who (a) thought it was hilarious and (b) thinks your DH is really disgusting!

I'm also laughing queasily here!

I can't believe he doesn't see it as a problem!!

I have seen talc. It wasn't talc. sad

eurochick Wed 31-Jul-13 21:15:00

You sleep in his shit? <boak> And you'd leave someone over the shedding of pubes (harmless hair) but stick with someone who makes you sleep and sit on his shit? This cannot be true. It has to be a poo troll.

Buy a bidet. And LTfilthyB.

This is disgusting, I can't see how he hasn't noticed before. But now you've mentioned it, hopefully he will sort it out. He must be so embarrassed, if he's really only just noticed.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:16:12

I didn't "find out", it was more of a slow dawning realisation. I'd always noticed all the hair he left behind on the sheets, but wondered what the brownish/black dots were. Then someone mentioned poo crumbs on MN a few weeks ago and it's the only thing I can think they could be. They are the same type as the toilet crumbs.

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 21:17:01

Wasn't there a thread years ago where a poster's FIL left poo crumbs in the bed when he came to stay?

everlong Wed 31-Jul-13 21:17:33

Fanny dandruff - dear Christ it gets wose.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:17:48

He is embarrassed, Ruby...he was pretty upset but not upset enough to agree to use the wet wipes!

Though I kept on at him last night and he got arsey no pun intended and capitulated really very reluctantly.

I know he won't use them though, as he agreed to use the wet wipes in the same tone as he agreed to put the bathroom mat to air every morning, and he never remembers to do that.

nauticant Wed 31-Jul-13 21:18:03

So how big is a typical crumb? A millimetre? 5?

MrsCR Wed 31-Jul-13 21:18:16

Jeez I am freaked to a whole new level - skidders make my skin crawl enough and all 3 boys have serious talking's too if they do one
but OMG poo crumbs anywhere with consistency is so so so wrong.

well done for having it out.

now, what the actual F**K is fanny dandruff sparklingbrook???

peggotty Wed 31-Jul-13 21:18:16

So he's lazy, hairy and scatters pubes and flecks of shit in his wake wherever he goes? What a catch!

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 31-Jul-13 21:18:18

My DH is very hairy, but has never had this problem. He also knows that he needs to be scrupulously clean and fresh before coming to bed......

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 21:18:50
nauticant Wed 31-Jul-13 21:19:23

And I've just noticed your username. Ha ha ha ha!

everlong Wed 31-Jul-13 21:19:39

Oh thank god.

It's not angelic sparky with fanny dandruff.. But someone she knew. Had me worried there for a minute grin

Nirvana79 Wed 31-Jul-13 21:20:38

I feel sick, yet I keep reading. Wtf am I doing!

BigW Wed 31-Jul-13 21:20:51


LTB before you get dysentery.

Sorry OP, I was in the Navy for 17 years, sharing toilets and showers with hundreds of men (obv not at the same time!) and I have NEVER seen a poo crumb. Good offender who did that at sea would have been scrubbed down with yard brooms by the lads.

Sleepybunny Wed 31-Jul-13 21:21:44

You know it is your duty as his wife to wash poo crumbs from your sheets and wipe his arse properly.

He is the man FFS! He is far to busy and important to trouble himself with your inability to mange your household duties.

Some people!

Coffeenowplease Wed 31-Jul-13 21:23:32

I wonder actually if that bloke I mentioned is in fact your DP....

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:24:54

nauticant They vary slightly in size but the average one is about 2mm in circumference.

I do have a dodgy tummy today BigW but I think that was last night's prawns more than anything. Yes, he did cook them.

Oh and another thing while I'm here. He has this odd habit of washing his hands for literally 1 second under the tap before drying his hands. During my Big Clean on Sunday I noticed the door where the towel hangs has subtle brown stains all down it. I called this DP's "poo and wee water" and he refuses to believe it.

I don't know for sure if he's caused the "poo and wee water" down the door but I can't think what else it could be. Remnants of my fake tan? But I do wash my hands properly, unlike him.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 31-Jul-13 21:25:09

Fucking Nora. I would demand that the dirty cunt waxes his fat, hairy arsehole. Dump his stinking ringer if he refuses.

greeneyed Wed 31-Jul-13 21:25:55

ffs I'm eating!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 31-Jul-13 21:26:06

Will someone PLEASE explain what fanny dandruff is.

I refuse to google it.

One of these days I'm going to have the police at my door after googling words and phrases I read on here!

TroublesomeEx Wed 31-Jul-13 21:26:14

Oh the mental images I have of your DP now crumbs grin

TroublesomeEx Wed 31-Jul-13 21:27:58

Me too, Hecs. shock

Hm not great if he won't use the wipes but hopefully he will at least clean himself up more effectively and clean the loo seat... Good luck!

Sooo...he leaves poo and wee on your toilet, in your sink (not enough time for the water to wash away the filth), on your hand towels, door handles, anything else he touches and finally in your bed...

Tell me...the sex must be fantastic! grin

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 21:29:42

Hecsy I googled it and flange dandruff and I still have no fecking clue. If the police come to me it's your fault!

gaggiagirl Wed 31-Jul-13 21:31:08

Digested biscuits


ageofgrandillusion Wed 31-Jul-13 21:31:09

Tis probably just fanny cheese.

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Wed 31-Jul-13 21:31:13

dear op

our owner was sitting stuffing her face with unnecessary sweeties and biscuits until she read this thread but she is now too disgusted to continue.

many thanks,

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns's teeth grin

LynetteScavo Wed 31-Jul-13 21:31:22

Why have I only ever heard about poo crumbs on MN?

I must live a sheltered life.

KnittedC Wed 31-Jul-13 21:31:31

Oh my god, assuming you share a hand towel you are actually drying your hands in his shit . You're washing your hands, making them clean, then rubbing his shit all over them

BigW Wed 31-Jul-13 21:31:54

You let him near your food? With his poo and wee hands? <vomits>

Re the fanny dandruff. I worked in a team of about ten people, and every time one woman went to the loo there would be white/cream powdery stuff on the black loo seat, and a bit would be on the floor at the front.
There was nothing else it could have been. To make matters worse a colleague bent down to blow it off the seat and got a face/eyeful of it. sad

MrsCR Wed 31-Jul-13 21:32:42

I googled it too blush - not easy to find but I think its when a lady has bad ezcema or psoriasis down below?? Gross, sorry

BrainSurgeon Wed 31-Jul-13 21:32:52

This is getting worse, feeling a bit nauseous now (really)... poo and wee water?!?!??!
wtf OP?!

gaggiagirl Wed 31-Jul-13 21:32:55

Whaaaaaaaat is fanny cheese?

I'm clutching my pearls here!

TroublesomeEx Wed 31-Jul-13 21:33:40

I believe fanny dandruff may be dried and flakey fanny juice...

I suppose the poo and wee water is just diluted poo crumbs.

littlemisswise Wed 31-Jul-13 21:34:01

This thread is bonkers. Why can I not stop reading it?

TroublesomeEx Wed 31-Jul-13 21:34:51

Why have I only ever heard about poo crumbs on MN?

Well I, for one, cannot imagine a scenario IRL where this would ever be a topic of conversation!

Dried fanny bogies? Who knows?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 31-Jul-13 21:34:57

fanny CHEESE?


What the hell is that?

You know what? Never mind. Don't tell me. There is no way that there is a definition of fanny cheese that is going to make me happy.

I'm going to bed.

I'm going to wash myself until I bleed, and then I'm going to bed.

You people are revolting.


Can't wait for Mum to come round tomorrow, she always asks 'What's going on on MN lately? Well Mum.......

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:35:59

Awwwhawhaw wtf Sparkling?!! That image is hilarious

Yes, we share a hand towel. He knows I'm obsessive about towels so maybe I should nag him about hand-washing well as bum-wiping and mat-drying and keeping-the-sink-drainer-clean and god knows what else.

Do you seriously think it could be poo and wee water on the door? It was subtle brown, drippy marks. Like someone had got brown-coloured watercolour paint, thrown it on and let it dry. What else could cause that?! I've already told him the toilet seat must be DOWN when he flushes as I don't want poo droplets on my toothbrush.

saggyhairyarse Wed 31-Jul-13 21:36:58
nauticant Wed 31-Jul-13 21:37:13


I would be casting a suspicious gaze throughout my house now if I were you OP. If he's minging enough to leave pearls of his own shit on the toilet seat for other people to sit on, FULL WELL KNOWING WHAT THEY ARE AND ACCEPTING THEIR EXISTENCE, he's got to be, in general, a filthy fucker.

How many poo crumbs on average though? In your bed? I have a mental picture of hundreds of poo crumbs, but maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt and there are only one or two.

Because that makes it all ok hmm

Yess! Fandruff. That's the badger!

AnyFucker Wed 31-Jul-13 21:38:51

This is a wind up right ?

Otherwise, I seriously do not understand

You have sex with a man who is incapable of wiping his arse and still respect him in the morning ?

This a whole new world to me

lottieandmia Wed 31-Jul-13 21:39:24

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww this is revolting. yuck yuck yuck I wish I never read this

fandruff grin Brilliant user name!

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:40:49

Well * KirjavaTheCat*, he doesn't seem to have noticed them until I brought it up last night. He was mightily embarrassed then. He's not arrogant - he'll do a lot to please me - but he just doesn't think I should be interfering in his bum-wiping routine. It seems to emasculate him.

sebastian we're probably talking about at least a dozen poo crumbs and dozens of hairs after each sexing/naked sleep. On the seat, it will be more like 3 poo crumbs.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:41:45

Lmao Sparkling if you put your face to the sheets, maybe that's what it would look like (not that I ever do that hmm)

Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Sparkling grin

Faithless12 Wed 31-Jul-13 21:42:41

Arse Biscuits, sorry couldn't help myself. grin

The poo wee water, could just be general dirt that he hasn't washed off properly but it sounds like there could be poo in there as well.

MrsCR Wed 31-Jul-13 21:43:09

the urban dictionary knows no bounds! Fandruff! AARRGG!!

I am so grossed out right now, really hoping I have never used your bathroom....

You have suffered too long in silence OP


Cherriesarelovely Wed 31-Jul-13 21:44:00

I have 2 really lovely friends who always dress really smartly and have the most beautiful, stylish, pristine house. We were once talking about little things that irritate us about our Dps. One of them said that his Dp was very naughty as he was always leaving "Chugnuts" around the toilet and on the bathroom carpet.....I said "What on earth are those??". He explained and I nearly threw up! I still don't get it though. If you shower daily and wipe your arse properly how does it happen?

I had managed to repress that conversation until tonight!!

We call them Gruffnuts btw. Don't think I've ever actually seen one IRL. Let alone free-range ones.

formicadinosaur Wed 31-Jul-13 21:45:06

I was eating when I opened this thread. Chocolate mouse. Oddly enough have had to stop

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:46:04

How on earth do you get a DP to change the way he sits on the toilet without sounding like his MIL or making him feel like a 2 year old?

I'm worried I'm just becoming a nag.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 31-Jul-13 21:46:22

We ought to link to this thread for those on strict diets. What a great appetite suppressant!

There are only two legitimate places for poo...your rectum and the toilet bowl...He must surely understand this - and now take measures to rectify his oversight. He is an adult and needs to take control of his bodily functions. Yes, it is emasculating for him to be pulled up on his inability to wipe his bottom, but has an adult he should never have placed you in the position where you have to act as his is in his own hands to remedy.

GoodTouchBadTouch Wed 31-Jul-13 21:47:22

You poor thing, never mind wet wipes get a bidet. We have one that came with our new build, so it cant just be your husband with this problem.

They are also great for washing after sex, saves getting in the shower.

Presumably when your DH takes his undercrackers off of an evening poo crumbs are being flung all over the place?

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:48:25

I feel irrational rage towards MIL for letting him go so long without pulling him up on this. Now I have to do it!

I guess it's because he grew up with a cleaner who would never have dared address the issue...and still doesn't because his brother leaves them around his bathroom, too.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 31-Jul-13 21:48:27

Send him back to his Mother for lessons in Bottom Wiping.....

AnyFucker Wed 31-Jul-13 21:49:03

If he acts like a 2yo what other choice do you legitimately have ? Tell him to clean up his act.

Or just leave the dirty bastard to roll in his own shite like the monkeys in the zoo. And remember to never invite any self-respecting MN'er to your house.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:49:32

Oh god Sparkling. I never look. I'm always in bed before that happens.

I guess it's a blessing that his underwear is all dark...otherwise I'd be on here complaining about doing the laundry instead of cleaning the toilet.

garlicagain Wed 31-Jul-13 21:50:14

I used to moan about this. He pointed out that I bleed everywhere. Fair cop blush

We both made a bit more effort but, tbh, it was largely a question of mutual forebearance and washing the sheets more often ...

My DP is very hairy round the bum, but he never leaves poo crumbs. And DS has been taught to wipe properly as well.

And here is the NHS guide to proper hand washing grin

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:52:10

Yes but garlic, when you're on you can't stop the flow, whereas poo is a one-time-then-it's-done clean-up act.

SO glad it isn't just me who has to suffer though grin I knew I wasn't the only one!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 31-Jul-13 21:52:24

Oh, just no.
As you are sexing him, poo crumbs are actually falling off his chocolate starfish?!!
My fanny would grow a new hymen to repel his vile, shitty advances. How the F do you get wet knowing he is going to spray shit up the walls as he thrusts? I am at a loss.

Supertrooper88 Wed 31-Jul-13 21:52:41

OMFG - I want to boak just reading this. Are you seriously happy sharing a house with hiim and his shit??

There are 3 of you in your marriage - him you and the shit.

You either need to get him a crack wax although I doubt any beautician happy to carry out the procedure if there are tagnuts clinging on for dear life and a bedet so his can wash his hair free arsehole of an shit remnants or (my preferred oprion) a divorce siting his Shit habit as reason.

Seriously - i could not share the same room as someone like that let alone have a sexual or intimate relationship with them. How do you have sex in a bed knowing you are shagging amongst dried up balls of shit???

Masai Wed 31-Jul-13 21:52:42

Dear God.

My EYES!!!

What the fuckity fuck in fuckdom.

I am going to wax every inch of my DH to make sure he never ever ever does this.


garlicagain Wed 31-Jul-13 21:53:13

Hand washing! Argh! After we split, I noticed he NEVER had ANY soap in his place! To think what must have been on his hands when he handled the food and handled me shock

garlicagain Wed 31-Jul-13 21:54:03

There are 3 of you in your marriage - him you and the shit.


thebody Wed 31-Jul-13 21:54:08

oh my fucking hell!!! I have a hairy dh and 2 hairy dss and never ever heard if this and so wish I hadn't.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:54:28

Well I never get thrush or any sort of vaginal infection, so the crumbs must know to stay away from there.

They just like congregating in the bedsheets instead.

Hassled Wed 31-Jul-13 21:55:17

I think this has to be the grossest thing I've ever read on MN, and I have googled Dragonbutter (don't). Fucking hell. And you share a bed with this man?

HesterShaw Wed 31-Jul-13 21:56:02

Dear God. My DP is very hairy. I can't bear to think of this.

garlicagain Wed 31-Jul-13 21:56:07

I have nothing to contribute other than after a spectacularly crud day this thread has made me literally laugh until I cried.

OP - thank you.

(Unhelpful grin)

catellington Wed 31-Jul-13 21:57:14

This thread is so funny, made me laugh out loud uncontrollably so that i woke my baby up

TeddyPickleStick Wed 31-Jul-13 21:58:43


FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin Wed 31-Jul-13 21:58:50

"nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:46:04

How on earth do you get a DP to change the way he sits on the toilet without sounding like his MIL or making him feel like a 2 year old?"

I'm guessing your mother doesn't want anything to do with his toilet habits either!

NachoAddict Wed 31-Jul-13 21:59:06

Eeeeeeee dp has an incredibly hairy arse.... I will be checking the sheets closely tonight!

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 21:59:28

Wow. I have mild IBS. Maybe the poo crumbs are helping, garlic!

I had to train dh to put the loo lid down before flushing, but he has never left a poo crumb or had a dingleberry. In fact, I have three dses and have never come across any. I would be sleeping in a different bed if my dh was leaving poo crumbs and pubes on the sheet.

Regarding fanny dandruff - I used to work in operating theatres, and they decided to phase out dresses, and make us all wear the scrubs you see on all the hospital programmes. When I asked why this was (because I hate myself in trousers), I was told it was to prevent PERINEAL FALL-OUT!! I assume this was skin cells from the perineal area and might be fanny dandruff. Either that, or no-one has told us that women's perineal areas are actually nuclear. And if that were the case, I am not sure scrubs would provide enough protection.

CocacolaMum Wed 31-Jul-13 22:01:01

What kind of dry shit biscuits is he depositing to make crumbs?!?

My OH is hairy and I have never in all my days with him (4015) heard of this


DaleyBump Wed 31-Jul-13 22:01:11

Omgomgomg as soon as I read your OP I realised what all the wee things that always end up on the toilet seat are. I knew it was my DP but holy fuck. Fucking shit. Oh my god.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson Wed 31-Jul-13 22:01:25

YANBU! My DH leaves what I call "poo flakes" on the toilet seat. it's revolting! He does clean it up but only if I point it out to him and ask him to. Thankfully I have never found poo flakes in the bed, I don't think I'd be able to sleep in it if I did! I don't get why he can't just wipe his arse properly!

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 22:02:32

Oops, Francis, I meant my MIL, or his Mother. Who clearly never used a toilet after him...

tarajupp Wed 31-Jul-13 22:02:50

OP I feel your pain. Kept on at my other half re poo specks on the loo seat (not seen in the bed but am off to check!!) until he asked a couple of weeks ago what the stain on the back of the seat was. When I told him it was a stain no amount of bleach would remove we had a new seat within two hours and I haven't seen a crumb since!!!!

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 22:03:41

Is that actually true SDT? Can I start telling people about that?

FruitOwl Wed 31-Jul-13 22:03:49

<reaches for brain bleach>

MamaLazarou Wed 31-Jul-13 22:03:50

"My fanny would grow a new hymen to repel his vile, shitty advances. How the F do you get wet knowing he is going to spray shit up the walls as he thrusts?"

This is the funniest thing I have ever read on the internet.

nomorecrumbs Wed 31-Jul-13 22:05:34

Poo flakes. Wow.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 31-Jul-13 22:07:40

I have guffawed reading this thread grin

In all seriousness though - how could you find him attractive? Has he always had poo crumbs? Did you marry him knowing about the poo crumbs?

That would be a deal breaker for me. I can barely cope with dp not covering his nose/mouth when he sneezes/coughs. I'm sure i turn into his mother and he feels about 6 years old every time he does it. Shitty arse crumbs everywhere would tip me over the edge.

Buddhagirl Wed 31-Jul-13 22:08:18

cuddle the troll

Debs75 Wed 31-Jul-13 22:08:20

I do not know what to say OP I just couldn't intimately share a bed with someone who has a dirtier arse then a 1 year old and isn't wearing a nappy

This is a great thread...and it just keeps getting better

my fanny would grow a new hymen...


Wiggleewormeywoo Wed 31-Jul-13 22:13:47

Omg, have been reading this throughout the evening and some of it aloud to dh. Both of us are equally shocked, sickened and shuddering! This is not the norm and he either needs to wash his arsehole A LOT more or you have to ltb. Please pass the bucket, I need to hurl!

Nomorecrumbs - yes, it is true - well, it is true that perineal fallout'is the reason that was given for us going over to scrubs with trousers. Whether it is an actual thing I am afraid I cannot say.

AvonCallingBarksdale Wed 31-Jul-13 22:18:27

OMFG!!! I think I have laughed out a bit of wee reading this thread. I nominate it for Classics. Re-vol-ting!

Ledkr Wed 31-Jul-13 22:20:07

Good grief.
I vow to never again moan at dh for eating in bed.
In fact I shall positively roll in his toast crumbs.
Ewww how do you still fancy him?

AnyFucker Wed 31-Jul-13 22:21:37

My SOH has well and truly failed < stony >

whois Wed 31-Jul-13 22:28:53

4-5 days max - means you can just do loads of spoiling and keep reality at bay - which really is what being an Auntie is all about ...


Fucking disgusting. He needs to wet wipe thoroughly or bidet after every toilet trip. What a rancid human being.

whethergirl Wed 31-Jul-13 22:29:10

Eww my kitten left a couple of poo crumbs in my bed recently! I'm hoping he'll grow out of it.

katatonic Wed 31-Jul-13 22:29:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock Wed 31-Jul-13 22:30:12

How are you happy to let him cook you a meal when you know he doesn't wash his hands properly? Don't you feel ill at the thought of it, let alone feel ill after you've eaten it?

scratchandsniff Wed 31-Jul-13 22:31:58

Oh my good god I've laughed so hard I think I've cracked a rib. It's funny and disgusting all at the same time.

Your husband is gross! Didn't his parents ever teach him to wipe his arse properly?

Gruntfuttock Wed 31-Jul-13 22:32:03

The fact that you've seen the evidence that his brother is the same is just appalling. What's the matter with them?

Kabuki Wed 31-Jul-13 22:37:31

Laughing and feeling queasy in equal measures. What a noun: poo crumbs. If you have raised this, he has to take action. How can he not be absolutely mortified? Good luck Nomorecrumbs............boak

Mumsnut Wed 31-Jul-13 22:37:59

Leave the basturd


<<I thank you>>

LayMizzRarb Wed 31-Jul-13 22:38:10

After years of being on mumsnet, thinking I have read it all, this thread comes along. The thought of laying in someone's shit at night makes my blood run cold. I need to go and have a shower and a scratch.

pigletmania Wed 31-Jul-13 22:39:37

I think imam feeling a little envy

PrettyKitty1986 Wed 31-Jul-13 22:39:56

WTF is a poo crumb? hmm

GilmoursPillow Wed 31-Jul-13 22:46:24

I don't care if the OP is real or not grin

Just a little tiny thought...

He goes to bed with winnets anchored to his pubes which in turn are anchored to his ass.

In the morning said winnets and pubes are spread over the bed....

The only explanation for this is him SCRATCHING them loose with his FINGERS whilst sleeping!!!!!

The toilet seat is the least of your worries, he's no doubt got crumbs under his finger nails!!! Bleeee!

Dear God please please don't let him be a nail biter, or that morning breath first kiss of the day is actually shit breath.... Literally. And you are also eating it.

I have made myself feel sick as fuck.

katatonic Wed 31-Jul-13 22:49:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ewww, narsty! Please tell me he doesn't prepare food for you, or kids, or any one...

OneHolyCow Wed 31-Jul-13 23:01:32

Okay, so then I think it cannot get any worse and then someone says that nurses and doctors have to wear scrubs because of fecal stuff that falls in the operating theater?? Who does that?

Oh my holy feck.

No more!

pomdereplay Wed 31-Jul-13 23:03:10

This is too outright manky for me to find funny!

I am amazed that people with such a basic inability/refusal to care for themselves and not inflict their faeces on others are able to find someone who wants to sleep with them. Every day's a school day I guess.

Morloth Wed 31-Jul-13 23:06:44

I live in a house full of boys.

Sharp lego, stinky gym bags, soccer balls, tennis rackets all these are hazards to be expected.

I can honestly say that the only poo I have had to deal with was that of a baby or potty training toddler.

We are all so hairy we could pass for monkeys. Still no poo crumbs...

bellablot Wed 31-Jul-13 23:06:51

FFS too much info alert shock

Gruntfuttock Wed 31-Jul-13 23:11:58

SoldAtAuction Yes he does prepare food, look at OP's post at Wed 31-Jul-13 21:24:54, he cooked prawns last night and she has "a dodgy tummy" today. She also knows he doesn't wash his hands properly (same post).

Why you've accepted living like this OP I can't understand. Vile.

Earthworms Wed 31-Jul-13 23:12:49


Supertrooper88 Wed 31-Jul-13 23:15:21

Someone needs to send Aggie and Kim around to clean your house!!

Sorry but it sounds vile and makes you sound vile too for living like this.

This is not normal by the shittiest of standards!

EssexEmmaB Wed 31-Jul-13 23:18:22

Two words!!!! Rug nuggets!!

gloriafloria Wed 31-Jul-13 23:26:04

Have just spent wasted the last hour reading this thread and can honestly say have not laughed/snorted so much since I can remember.

I sympathise op but can I say thank you for the entertainment.

thebody Wed 31-Jul-13 23:32:16

'my fanny would grow a new hymen' absolutely fantastic.

now come in op, surely this IS a wind up?

Kithulu Wed 31-Jul-13 23:34:46

Aghhh My DH does this too sad I have been trying to formulate an AIBU for a while but couldn't quite bring myself to do it.
He kinda leaves a dry crumbly skid on the back of the toilet seat, as someone else said ,like he is sitting all the way back and peeing as well. It is so gross. I usually don't notice until he has gone to work then forget by the time he come home. blush
He is already in bed and asleep so I can't inspect the sheets. I have never noticed crumbs there though.

WandaDoff Wed 31-Jul-13 23:35:11

I only came on here for a bit of stealth late night MNetting. shock

Well anyway, I've seen enough. I'm off to scour myself in the shower & then I'm going to bed.

Patosshades Wed 31-Jul-13 23:47:45

To have dried up crap falling off him must mean he's not wiping at all. I hope this is a wind up.

MrsKoala Thu 01-Aug-13 00:07:08

Right, er, from my investigations into the reason you get poo crumbs on the loo seat, i have found the reason to be, you have a hairy ring piece, do a loose-ish stool (one which leaves quite a bit of poo on the paper when you wipe), you wipe with dry paper (sitting far back or wipe standing just in front of the loo), as you repeatedly wipe the area the loo paper dries out the poo on your nipsy and as you wipe it flies of/out and lands in a 6in/foot radius (depending on the vigour of your wipage). Therefore the seat is left flecked with these 'crumbs'. (this is often the case if you have had a particular skinful of Guinness the day before)

If you don't complete your mission, the crumbs will be deposited in your underwear and bed.

neverbefore Thu 01-Aug-13 00:09:39

im worried that a few people have now opened up and said this happens to their husbands as well , im dreading coming back on here in the morning to see how many more blokes have shit caked arses , also a bit worried that they are dry and crumbly do you think they are drinking enough ?

ZillionChocolate Thu 01-Aug-13 00:16:02

I'm going to have nightmares about this.

JaceyBee Thu 01-Aug-13 00:17:45

Poo crumbs!! Jeez!!

All I can say is, thank the good lord I'm single! The shit some women put up with. Literally.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 01-Aug-13 00:18:46

Just in case no oe else has said it - Greensleeves is that you? grin

Off to read past the first page.....

Lora1982 Thu 01-Aug-13 00:20:03

Hahaaaaa poo crumbs grin trying to snigger quietly to keep people sleep but I cant help it

MrsKoala Thu 01-Aug-13 00:24:22

I would like to point out that my investigations are not based on DH, and are actually based on personal experience and from discussions with a female friend. However, the idea of not cleaning it all up and not cleaning yourself properly and depositing crumbs in your bed is out of order. But i'm pretty sure as a 'thing' it happens to both genders.

foreverondiet Thu 01-Aug-13 00:27:25

Vile. Never heard the term.

Use sensitive baby wipes. Say he can't sleep naked if you wants you to share a bed with him.

deepfriedsage Thu 01-Aug-13 00:29:13

I can't believe there are several mnetters, opening their legs and mouths to filthy fucking beasts with shitty arses.

recall Thu 01-Aug-13 00:32:18

I actually feel actually ill sad

deepfriedsage Thu 01-Aug-13 00:37:58

You actually would be ill if you gave a bj to one of these shifty arses men, or had food prepared by their unwashed shifty fingers, Boak.

deepfriedsage Thu 01-Aug-13 00:38:41


LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 01-Aug-13 00:39:56

This is exactly what flushable moist toilet tissue is for. 3 of the 4 men I live with are hairy. 1 of my DSs would give Mr Tumnus a run for his money but there are no poo crumbs ever.

I still think this bears all the hallmarks of greenseleeves's excellent work.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 01-Aug-13 00:41:06

Oh now I quite liked the sound ofshifty arses men grin

deepfriedsage Thu 01-Aug-13 00:41:25

Getting grossed out more now. If as previously suggested he rubs his arse in sleep, then has a fiddle with op in the morning...

5madthings Thu 01-Aug-13 00:45:41

Dear god there are other mnetters with partners who leave poo crumbs on the loo seat?!!

Seriously this is beyond rank, boak boak boak

deepfriedsage Thu 01-Aug-13 00:48:03

Best contraception ever, poo crumbs.

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 00:52:05

Poo troll surely.

Sorry to be pedantic, but doesn't something have to dry out before it can become a crumb?

mumat39 Thu 01-Aug-13 00:53:03

What's wrong with me! I actually feel sick but can't stop reading.

A long time ago, when we were in bed, I rested my hand on dP's bum. I stroked it a little and felt a lumpy something on my hand and actually contemplated LTB.

I had put that to the back of my mind, but this thread has brought it all out again.

<runs round the room doing Kerry katona dance after she ate hairy testicles on bush tucker trial>

Skidders on sheets. <faints from shock>

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 00:54:33

Can you not top and tail him, like a baby, before bed OP?

recall Thu 01-Aug-13 00:54:59

even if its a poo troll…it must have actually happened. Its just too much to bare.

recall Thu 01-Aug-13 00:55:39

I can smell imaginary cack now sad

MrsKoala Thu 01-Aug-13 00:59:17

CatsAnd - it is dried with the wiping with tissue and then i suppose it crumbs off into the bed.

Thesunalwayshinesontv Thu 01-Aug-13 01:00:16

He sounds like a right catch, your DH.

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 01:02:47

Ah, thanks for clearing that up MrsKoala

HoneyStepMummy Thu 01-Aug-13 01:03:31

This is the boakiest thing I've ever red on MN. My husband is hairy but has never created a poo crumb. Your DHs choices are wipe bum properly, use wet wipes or take a shower before coming to bed. That or a crack wax. Dirty boy!

ShellyBoobs Thu 01-Aug-13 01:04:38

Jesus Christ!

I was going to suggest buying him a Clag-Gone bike:

But "wee and poo water", too??

I'd just buy him a normal bike and tell him to get on the fucker!


MrsKoala Thu 01-Aug-13 01:05:01

My dad leaves skids in the bed as often does wet farts <boak> . Unsurprisingly he sleeps in the spare room most nights, but sometimes i change the linen for them when i visit.

God even i feel sick now, and by MN standards i am aright stig of the dump!

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 01:08:33

Oh my goodness, this gets worse. Skid marks in bed? Poo crumbs? Plus one mumsnetter who has today admitted to having naughty dreams about David Cameron.

MrsKoala Thu 01-Aug-13 01:11:37

WHAT !! That truly is fucking vile. Oh god i can't stop giving myself the what would you rather ultimatum...sleep in a pooey crumbed bed or shag call me Dave. Oh god imagine HIS poo crumbs.

DaleyBump Thu 01-Aug-13 01:14:14

Holy shit.

Fourwillies Thu 01-Aug-13 01:15:44

My husband is so hairy he almost has a pelt but doesn't get bum buttons.

He has however, done shit-stripes and our cleaner was so appalled that she came round with her English-polish dictionary to make sure she was telling me the right thing.

Since we had the kids we sleep separately and his room has the ensuite. Different bathrooms are the way to harmony.

But back to the OP - he sits down for a wee??? How girly!

deepfriedsage Thu 01-Aug-13 01:17:07

Is that you Samantha?

MrsKoala Thu 01-Aug-13 01:18:17

Are shit stripes the brown crayoning streaks down the pan Fourwillies? If so why did your cleaner tell you about it? What was she asking you to do?

Fourwillies Thu 01-Aug-13 01:21:30

No they were on the sheets on his side of the bed, caused when he sits down to take off his socks. He admitted that he sometimes suffered from an excess of "acrid bottom gravy" towards the end of the day, when hygiene is at its most deteriorated. My cleaner took exception to having to see them when she changed the sheets. Fair enough.

Lutrine Thu 01-Aug-13 01:23:15

I don't think I can bear to read the entire thread, sorry...eew! But feel compelled to tell you there's a place called Winnat's Pass in the Peaks smile

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 01:24:37

Good God and you guys have sex with these men? [not you, obviously, Mrs Koala].

MrsKoala Thu 01-Aug-13 01:26:13

AAHHH yes that's like my dad. but i think it happens in the morning to him. After a night of wet farting he sits on the edge of the bed before he stands up. I like to call it the Turdin Shroud. grin

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 01-Aug-13 02:02:58

OP, amongst all the outrage, I can't help suggesting that your DP should, at the very least, wear underpants in bed. Yes?

DameDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 02:14:15

Turdin Shroud grin. Once had the misfortune to stay in a B&B in Cromer where we had to share a bathroom (carpeted) with the host family. Went for a wee and felt like I was walking on tiny bits of Ryvita. On examining my bare feet back in our not so sumptuous quarters they revealed a shit load of tagnuttage, pubes and dog hair.
These little beauties do exist - have a quick wipe round of your bathroom floor tomorrow - please use white cloth/paper - the truth will reveal itself.
FWIW Kim and Aggie were always hopping mad about dangleberries being found in the most unexpected places.
I am sure Viz magazine's Profanisaurus ( precursor to all modern dictionaries) dedicated several pages to bum crumb based vocab. They also covered muffdruff.

Secretswitch Thu 01-Aug-13 02:46:24

Honey, I don't know what to you live with this is beyond me.
A poo shedding man would be vagina repellant to most women..

LeGavrOrf Thu 01-Aug-13 07:11:34



TroublesomeEx Thu 01-Aug-13 07:12:55

Dame of all the things I've read on here, your post was the only one that prompted an involuntary clutching of pearls and a curling of the toes grin

Nooneelseisallowedafergus Thu 01-Aug-13 07:20:05

I would definitely invest all savings in the state of the art Japanese toilet which squirts your bum with water until sparkling clean and then flushes for you.

NobodyPutsTomArcherInTheCorner Thu 01-Aug-13 07:24:01

Poo crumbs?? God I feel sick.

Are you married to the Gingerbread Man?

I may name change to Sparklingbottom after all this.....

DameDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 07:29:49

It was a right rum do [folk]. Shall we all synchronize watches for 10.30 and then have a good wipe around bathrooms? Those who 'confidently' know that none of their menfolk have such a problem need to especially examine their sheets of Bounty - perhaps a quick dash to the local forensicsmart to purchases petri dishes, agar jelly and crumb identification manual?wink

DameDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 07:30:46

Sorry folk

My toilet and bathroom are already clean but i'm off to give them a quick wipe over with bleach just incase. grin

madasa Thu 01-Aug-13 07:36:37

My dp makes King Kong look bald .....never encountered a poo crumb in 6 years

hernow Thu 01-Aug-13 07:55:36

as has already been said I couldn't use the same bathroom or bed with someone like that and if you don't maybe he will take the problem seriously. BUT please DO NOT flush down loo, the wet wipes that is. Having said that buy him a small bin with heavy lid plus bin bags and wrap it nicely and give it to him and state that's your final say on the matter either use it or remove hair and clean properly! I think cleaning properly is the problem.

fluffyraggies Thu 01-Aug-13 08:06:32

acrid bottom gravy



Why am i still reading?

2rebecca Thu 01-Aug-13 08:07:29

If you do wet farts then when you need a fart you get up and go to the loo. It all sounds horrible

fluffyraggies Thu 01-Aug-13 08:10:47

I'm surprised no one has mentioned Sootikins yet.

<evil laugh>

DameDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 08:15:20

fluffy that is total boakykins. Anything else you care to share? Can see it's going to be a busy day on MN grin

DameDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 08:19:05

Eeh fluffy had a good read - am quite giddy with mirth.

RalphGnu Thu 01-Aug-13 08:25:40

Well. This thread's put me right off my Shredded Wheat.

MamaChubbyLegs Thu 01-Aug-13 08:26:07

No no no no no no no no no no no sad

This can not be real. Please? My DP's bum is so hairy it's furry, but I have never had to put up with this sort of thing. Just no! Such blatant disrespect for you and your bed. Who wants to sleep in shit?

I'm sorry, but in all seriousness, I would LTB. I cannot be sleeping in shit bits. I just can't!

Please never sex him again.

feelingood Thu 01-Aug-13 08:28:58

you waited a whole year to complain about this

you have been sharing a bed with poo crumbs for a while year

yuk when you grab his arse in the heat of passion does your hand look like maltase's on a summers day yuk

RalphGnu Thu 01-Aug-13 08:30:13

Please, please, PLEASE tell me sootikins aren't real.

I have never wanted to clean my undercarriage as much as I do after reading this thread. With bleach and a Brillo pad.

Montybojangles Thu 01-Aug-13 08:30:28

My OH is as furry as a bear. NEVER has a poo crumb crossed my path in the last decade or 2. Make the filthy bastard use the wipes or wash FFS.

And put up some of the basic hand wash technique posters so he stops being a germ spreading, poo and wee water splashing git.

Also, please do not use feet on his bum hole, read these reviews as a warning (or if you need a good laugh)

Montybojangles Thu 01-Aug-13 08:31:08

That's veet, not feet. Bloody autocorrect. Though a switch foot up the arse may be an option

Montybojangles Thu 01-Aug-13 08:31:34

Swift. I give up

FreckleyGirlAbroad Thu 01-Aug-13 08:35:29

Ralph, you've been put off your shredded wheat. I totally understand. I've just woken up to this thread and my bowl of -poo crumbs- coco pops is looking less appetizing by the minute...

My mum used to call them winnets when attached to the dog's bum hair. (Gross)

My dad would say "yeah they're winnets alright, winnet come off" ha ha!

MamaChubbyLegs Thu 01-Aug-13 08:41:18

Googled sootikin. Related searches: "mumsnet" , "dragon butter"


RalphGnu Thu 01-Aug-13 08:43:11

Freckley, just don't look at the bits left in the bottom of the cereal bag.

WallaceWindsock Thu 01-Aug-13 08:44:04

This thread is utterly utterly vile. I have IBS, have had piles, have had post natally damaged arsehole and I clean myself. How can anyone feel comfortable knowing they haven't made sure they are thoroughly clean after going to the loo?? I am absolutely stunned. We have wet wipes in every toilet in this house and everyone uses them.

As for people sitting down and leaving skid marks, they need to go to the fucking toilet! As I've said I have IBS. I have regularly sat on the loo for 40 mins as I've bloated, have gas but can't be confident about what is coming out iykwim? I wouldn't dream of walking around doing "wet farts" as that's vile and disgusting.

Some of you need to kick your partners into shape and fast. Utterly vile. shock

Oblomov Thu 01-Aug-13 08:49:00

I feel I'll.
I thought this was what Andrex Washlets flushable toilet tissue wipes, were for.
Wish I hadn't opened this thread.

Oblomov Thu 01-Aug-13 08:51:09

I feel ILL.

BigW Thu 01-Aug-13 08:53:11

I made the mistake of showing this thread to my (thankfully poo crumb free) DH last night and I think you broke him.

He's been wandering around muttering all morning:

'Poo crumbs. ..unbelievable. ..I don't know. ..poo cumbs <shakes head>...just vile...'

It's like he lost a little bit of his innocence. grin

therumoursaretrue Thu 01-Aug-13 09:16:41

This is beyond foul. I can't even cope with the thought!

If there was so much as a notion of a poo crumb in this house I would crack up. There is no excuse for this at all.

As for fanny dandruff...I have no words.

TheFuzz Thu 01-Aug-13 09:28:45

Wet wipes, or to wipe his ass properly.

NachoAddict Thu 01-Aug-13 09:46:55

Well I have properly examined the sheets after hairy dp slept naked last night and I am happy to report that I found no evidence of poo crumbs. Phew!

GladitsnotJustMe Thu 01-Aug-13 09:57:40

I'm having a shit day - came on here to cheer me up.

This is the best thing I've read in weeks. I love you!

HesterShaw Thu 01-Aug-13 10:20:30

How about a simple bidet?

Should we have a whip-round to send BigW's husband for some therapy? I am feeling guilty that we have broken him.

Also, I have heard of sootikins before, so even if I didn't think everything on MN was gospel, I'd believe that!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 01-Aug-13 11:03:56

Anyone else eyeing their bathroom floor suspiciously this morning? smile

Crinkle77 Thu 01-Aug-13 11:11:26

That is absolutely disgusting. I have never heard of anyone doing that before. The very least he should be doing is checking the toilet after himself. I would also say separate beds until he does something about it. Might just spur him in to action. BTW another name for poo crumbs is winnets. Anyone ever heard of that?

CissyMeldrum Thu 01-Aug-13 11:14:58


Angelico Thu 01-Aug-13 11:20:30

This is possibly the funniest, most nauseating thread I've ever read on MN. Don't even care that it's probably a spoof. Must go into classics!

mumat39 Thu 01-Aug-13 11:30:37

I wonder if it happens because he just doesn't wash his bum properly.

Whenever you see men washing in ads etc, they only seem to wash their chests and pits.

OP, I have noticed fluff from dP's boxers on the loo seat before. Could it just be fluff from pants. You know, bobbly bits that have been stuck to him when he undresses and then fall off.

I can't believe I'm asking this, but how do you know it's actually poo crumbs?

That's a question I never would have imagined asking before?

<goes to lie down><checks bed for poocrumbs, none, phew!>

JaceyBee Thu 01-Aug-13 11:35:22

Yeah winnets I believe is the correct terminology. My friends uncle used to say, as his standard greeting 'alright mate, how's your washer for winnets?' grin

Sallyingforth Thu 01-Aug-13 11:35:37

With such filthy habits, can you be sure he even washes his hands after wiping himself?

mumat39 Thu 01-Aug-13 11:36:27

The only solution has to be to wash at night before bed.

Oh no! I've just remembered when bil came to stay one night. He didn't wash before he went to sleep in the spare room. He left the next day, and when I went o change the sheets there were some brown stains sort of where he would have sat when he got in or out of bed iykwim. I remember feeling Icked out but convinced myself it must have been from his overnight bag. We still have that sheet and it's on DS's bed. Right that's it. I'm going to order new sheets for his bed NOW!

<off to the bathroom to throw up>

melika Thu 01-Aug-13 11:41:07

I think I'd wanna be single again if I were you!

MummyPig24 Thu 01-Aug-13 11:54:08

Poo crumbs? For the love of Christ this is outrageous!!

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 01-Aug-13 11:55:07

This better get included on the MN talk roundup email thingy.

MrBloomsMarrow Thu 01-Aug-13 12:59:20

I was just about to have a chocolate chip cookie with my coffee. I don't want it anymore.

comingintomyown Thu 01-Aug-13 13:02:14

Bidet ?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 01-Aug-13 13:09:02

This is gross. Dump him.

Somewhere along the Darwinian line, his family would have disappeared due to e.coli poisoning.

feelingood Thu 01-Aug-13 13:33:33

Oh poo troll oh poo troll
your posts are so droll
oh poo troll oh poo troll
you need more loo roll

oh poo troll oh poo troll
wash you hands well
oh poo troll oh poo troll
you really do smell

oh poo troll oh poo troll
you love to talk about bums
oh poo troll oh poo troll
even tiny poo crumbs

oh poo troll oh poo troll
off you should go
oh poo troll oh poo troll
along in some sani-flo

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 01-Aug-13 13:55:08

tears pouring down. please let this be real, even if it's not it's without doubt one of the funniest threads I've ever read on here

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 14:12:06

Where's OP gone? Do you think she is still hoovering up those tiny nuggets of her husband's loveliness [boak]

My children used to have an elderly guinea-pig who struggled with his personal hygiene too - I used to help him out with a pair of scissors. Might this suggestion focus his mind a little OP?

fuzzpig Thu 01-Aug-13 14:17:01

According to DH they are called Chugnuts.

He doesn't have/leave them anywhere though thank gawd. He just finds the word funny, which is quite enough for me thanks hmm

RiffyWammal Thu 01-Aug-13 14:22:39

If he's walking around with shit round his ring for so long that it dries out and becomes crumby, is he not sore?

I've never seen a poo crumb and if I ever saw one from my DH or DS's I would LTBS in a hurry. Yuk yuk yuk.

This reminds me of the Embarrassing Bodies where Dr Christian went round a gym swabbing things to see how dirty it was, and one dirty cunt had faecal matter on the mouthpiece of his water bottle.

On a positive note, OP, you probably have a cast-iron constitution through being exposed to so many poo particles.

I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

Even of the OP is the poo troll, several other posters have admitted this is an issue for their husbands too sad
This shit is real man! <gently rocks in corner> <checks floor for poocrumbs first>

Tyson88 Thu 01-Aug-13 15:08:19

This is fucking classic! Lol!

mumat39 Thu 01-Aug-13 15:12:57

Riffy, poo on water bottle. shock

Kendodd Thu 01-Aug-13 15:19:30

This is what I come on MN for!

Classics please!

Rikalaily Thu 01-Aug-13 15:20:54

Ewwww, poo crumbs are definitely not normal! He needs to learn to wipe his arse properly, clean up his own mess and start having a shower before bed so you don't have to sleep with that muck in the bed.

There is no way in hell I would be sharing a bed with him, that's just rank

orangeandemons Thu 01-Aug-13 15:28:08

Can you smell them?

nomorecrumbs Thu 01-Aug-13 15:32:42

Crumbs update: there are zero crumbs and no hair on the seat, and lots of hair but no crumbs in bed grin I can live with that.

I haven't told DP about this thread yet. If I see a poo crumb in future, then I definitely will. Thanks for all your support xx

PaulSmenis Thu 01-Aug-13 15:36:40

It sounds like he needs to use moist toilet tissue or get his ring waxed!

DameDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 15:48:42

Thanks so much for the laughs nomorecrumbs. I have scrubbed our bathroom and do believe I may have discovered a few winnets. Worst of all their was a big glob of dried period caked on the underside of the waste pipe. How the fuck did that get there? I have deduced that I haven't wiped that pipe properly since we moved in ... 5 years ago shock so it must have been the previous owners filthy wife. Must have been blush

Thank you all for keeping me laughing this afternoon.
(And totally minging by the way)

mynxy Thu 01-Aug-13 16:34:15

My ex could never wipe himself properly. After we'd had sex and I'd been on top, there were always skidmarks. And he used to shit after he'd showered, it's very hard to find a man like this wonder I bailed.

Hope you get it completely sorted OP.

don't know about poo crumbs but think I have pissed my panties a bit laughing at this thread.

Hemlet Thu 01-Aug-13 17:02:44

My DH has no hairy bits really at all but I'll be in the lookout for poobarb crumble for sure.

RiffyWammal Thu 01-Aug-13 17:07:13

Hemlet grin

poo crumbs and fanny dandruff = poobarb crumble and cuntstard

DameDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 17:30:25

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Hemlet and Riffy. This thread has got me giddy as a kipper. Bet they don't get work of this calibre over at Nethuns.grin grin grin


just when i think ive heard it all... along comes a thread like this shock

BigW Thu 01-Aug-13 18:09:29

Thanks for the offer of therapy SDT

I'm thinking that maybe we should organise a group session. There seem to be a few traumatised MNers knocking around. bet they still carry on reading though grin

BMW6 Thu 01-Aug-13 18:21:18

Am just going off to bleach my brain............

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 18:51:06

I've got it OP, you're LeQueen, aren't you? Snanky MIL etc

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 01-Aug-13 18:51:26


Secretswitch Thu 01-Aug-13 19:06:55

Poo crumbs, fanny MN education continues..

GoofyIsACow Thu 01-Aug-13 19:12:53

I am not sure if this has been linked to already but OP possibly if your bathroom is big enough get him one of these

Otherwise it could go on the patio?

Failing that LTB

neverbefore Thu 01-Aug-13 19:34:49

fanny batter it just get fucking worse , my husband would never go down there again if i talked about people having fanny batter and muffdruff ffs

Secretswitch Thu 01-Aug-13 19:45:40

Neverbefore, I have been educated, disgusted and entertained all on this thread. I just never knew poor poo behaviour like this existed..

TeaCupCrazy Thu 01-Aug-13 20:34:04

Only got to page 2....WTAF? shock

Need wine before i can read more.

Mumsnut Thu 01-Aug-13 20:46:43

Leave the bas-turd

LaGuardia Thu 01-Aug-13 21:44:45

Leave the bastard.

TiggyD Thu 01-Aug-13 22:04:35

Shave the bastard.

CSIJanner Thu 01-Aug-13 22:05:53


TiggyD Thu 01-Aug-13 22:06:03

BTW, you could eat your dinner out of my crack.

Tacos would work the best.

Gruntfuttock Thu 01-Aug-13 22:08:07

Make him go through a car wash daily. Not the car, just him. They use a lot of water, suds and big brushes for a thorough scrubbing. That should sort 'im out. He also needs to learn how to wash his hands properly, especially if he's going to prepare a meal, like he did the other night. YUK!

Tiggy - thinking about it; an upturned arse cleft would make quite a good taco substitute.

I'd probably avoid adding any hot chilli sauce, though - for the sake of the arse owner.

Mumsnut Thu 01-Aug-13 22:17:05

"BTW, you could eat your dinner out of my crack.

Tacos would work the best."

Ha ha ha ha ha. Top marks, Tiggy.

BrainSurgeon Thu 01-Aug-13 22:17:30

Whatever happens, keep GetOrf away from this thread!

MacaYoniandCheese Thu 01-Aug-13 22:21:07

Your DH sounds like Mr. Twit. You need to get him to one of those dodgy 'nail' salons for an anal waxing STAT. Actually, a dog groomer could be helpful?

<stuffs handkerchief in mouth>

LeGavrOrf Thu 01-Aug-13 22:42:55

Haha brain. This is like my worst nightmare.


Hope all is well with you in Qatar btw. smile

Catmint Thu 01-Aug-13 22:59:22

Just read this to DP who pointed out that even the worst public toilets don't have poo crumbs on them, so it really isn't normal and is a big deal.

It took a long time, as I am crying at some of these posts.

Re fandruff, could it be tiny particles of white loo roll left over from an over enthusiastic wiper?

OMG. Just read 2 pages of thread (so will have to go back and look for fanny batter or be confused for ever more) but guess what I just found on the bathroom floor? Well, it was more of a lump, about the size of a Revel (coffee), but still v. crumbly.

idiot55 Thu 01-Aug-13 23:45:09

I've defiantly seen poo crumbs on the floor in ladies loos!

In fact just the other week, in the ladies loo at Alnwick gardens , I had to tell my 4 year old, well shouted at my four year old to watch wheremshemwas about to step. Bleuch

Flossiechops Fri 02-Aug-13 11:07:47

shock << at this thread!!

Sallyingforth Fri 02-Aug-13 14:02:34

Wasn't there as song about this?

"Poodrops keep falling on my bed
Cos he's just the guy who ignored all that I have said
Nothin' stops the shit
Those poodrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin..."