DH invited a couple for dinner after I asked him not to

(72 Posts)
Armadale Tue 30-Jul-13 23:09:48

He mentioned to me he thinks he should invite them and I specifically said, no, please do not invite them.

He was then phoned by them and invited them to dinner angry

He says it was a spur of the moment thing, it just came out of his mouth.
I'm cross with him that he did it after I said not to, feels like he put impressing/placating these people before my opinion. He has apologised and said he should not have done so.

Here's the thing: what should I do?

I do not want these people in my house- we see them fortnightly at a group we attend with other people, I'm fine with that but I do not want to be friends with them.I do not want to discuss personal things with them that are more likely to enter the conversation at a dinner than casually in a group with other people.

(The man gives me the creeps. I think he is an EA. He gaslights a lot about things that don't even matter, eg if he's 10 mins late he will then say 'good job I got here just on the dot of half past' as if it is going to remake history in my head and he was really on time iyswim. That sounds a silly example but he does it a lot about different things).

On the other hand, I can't ask DH to ring up and say 'no, sorry, you can't come'.

I don't want an enormous row with DH,, he knows he got it wrong and he has apologised, but the thought of this man in my house is just bluergh.

(DH wandering around so might not be able to answer promptly )

YouTheCat Tue 30-Jul-13 23:11:56

Think of it as getting to know his dw. If he's such an arsehole, she could probably do with some friends.

sweetestcup Tue 30-Jul-13 23:12:14

Well don't have a row with your DH then, no need...let them come to dinner.....and you arrange something nice that night out of the house, your DH invited them, well he can cook and entertain for them then!

I can see what you mean as you don't want to start something. They invite you, then you them and so on.

Get dh to do the whole night. Even if he just orders pizza or something. Try to make it a short night if you can and then just make excuses if they invite you back.

makingdoo Tue 30-Jul-13 23:13:09

Did he make firm plans and set a date?

Could you invite some of the others from the group so it's less intense?

I'd be livid if DH did that

Xales Tue 30-Jul-13 23:13:31

Tell your H exactly what you don't like about this man and why you do not want to be around him and then do what sweetest says. Arrange to be out.

Armadale Tue 30-Jul-13 23:14:10

Yes it is the whole them inviting us back thing etc I don't want to get involved in, plus dodging personal questions

TeeBee Tue 30-Jul-13 23:14:27

Yes, I was just going o suggest inviting some friends of your own so at least you have someone to talk to and so the whole night won't be a disaster.

Armadale Tue 30-Jul-13 23:14:44

Is arranging to be out not a bit passive aggressive to my dh?

Tommy Tue 30-Jul-13 23:15:10

invite some others as well to dilute them.....

Could you arrange to go for a meal in a restaurant instead? Get him to ring them and say that you would both prefer to eat out rather than at home? If you're in a restaurant you can leave when you feel like it, and also it's easier to talk about the food/service/wallpaper rather than personal stuff.

If he won't suggest this to them, I would be tempted to be 'out' when they come round...

Meal out's a great idea. Say you're tired from work and need a treat.

Armadale Tue 30-Jul-13 23:17:48

meal out would be great but really not feasible financially atm. we are stony broke. Perhaps inviting other people is the way to go.

Can you invite other people to dilute the conversation?

deleted203 Tue 30-Jul-13 23:19:04

Personally, (assuming he's made a definite date) I would firmly insist that DH ring them up apologetically and say, 'I'm terribly sorry but I'm going to have to cancel the dinner arrangements. I hadn't realised that Armadale had already made other plans for that night. I'll have to let you know when we could perhaps re-arrange it'.

And then I'd make damn sure he didn't re-arrange it.

maja00 Tue 30-Jul-13 23:21:35

Get your DH to call back and say sorry, he's checked with you and you have plans that night.

Or call them the day before and say you have come down with D&V.

witchofmiddx Tue 30-Jul-13 23:23:57

Easiest way is dh phones them to say you have a pre-arranged family commitment that evening, his fault for not checking date with you first... you will of course re-arrange...

witchofmiddx Tue 30-Jul-13 23:24:41

Sorry maja cross post!

JambalayaCodfishPie Tue 30-Jul-13 23:24:44

sowornout wording is perfect.

MrsEricBana Tue 30-Jul-13 23:24:50

Or simply say need to postpone for now and never rearrange.

MrsEricBana Tue 30-Jul-13 23:25:48

Cross posts!

floweryblue Tue 30-Jul-13 23:26:55

No point arguing with DH now, it's done, you just need to manage the situation.

In my house, if DP invites people without my agreement, I feel perfectly justified in letting him deal with all of the consequences: shopping, cooking, cleaning, clearing and entertaining, I just sit in a corner and get pissed enough to have a laugh with them.

StuntGirl Wed 31-Jul-13 00:09:49

I hope he's the one going to be doing all the shopping, cooking and preparation for this?

mellicauli Wed 31-Jul-13 00:14:46

You could start with Heinz Tomato soup..then move on the a main course of macaroni cheese..finished off with a scoop of neopolitan ice cream.

SoggySummer Wed 31-Jul-13 00:27:07

Dont forget the Pom Bears whatever you do!

Isetan Wed 31-Jul-13 03:48:08

I'm not sure about your H knowing he did wrong, I think he knows he got away with it. Apparently, ignoring your oppion and feelings are prefferable to saying he made a mistake to this couple. Make sure he caters the whole thing, less likely to do this again when he's the one put out.

MrRected Wed 31-Jul-13 05:27:03

Pull a sickie on the morning of the dinner.

No harm done.

Jinty64 Wed 31-Jul-13 05:50:50

You have to tell your dh what you have told us. You do not like the man and do not wish to socialise with him. Then go out for the evening. Dh can have them round and let them know you had other plans.

meganorks Wed 31-Jul-13 07:04:50

Why don't you invite some other couples from the group you normally meet with so not just them? Or take the opportunity to get to know them a bit better and see if definitely I'd and arsehole. If he is hopefully your dh will notice this time and not invite them again!

Tell them the dress code is 'phallic symbols' and I bet they wont turn up.

fluffyraggies Wed 31-Jul-13 07:14:33

Just get DH to ring up and cancel! Hard hard can it be? Is he 5?

''Hi, sorry, somethings come up and we can't do (insert day) after all. Maybe another time. We'll see you on (insert day) at the group anyway''.

Done.

fluffyraggies Wed 31-Jul-13 07:16:01

How hard! Not hard hard.

(the phallic post above obviously effected me grin )

GingerBlondecat Wed 31-Jul-13 07:19:00

This
IsetanWed 31-Jul-13 03:48:08

I'm not sure about your H knowing he did wrong, I think he knows he got away with it. Apparently, ignoring your oppion and feelings are prefferable to saying he made a mistake to this couple. Make sure he caters the whole thing, less likely to do this again when he's the one put out.

Your Husband has been taking lesssons from him. Accidently asked them, my arse.

TheRealFellatio Wed 31-Jul-13 07:28:55

Oh dear. You have two options.

Option 1: Cancel. Not immediately, as you'll feel obliged to book another date, but about one or two days before, with some trumped up emergency/illness, and then make vague noises about rebooking in a few weeks, and then never rebook. Hopefully they'll be too polite to mention it and won't invite you to them instead.

Option 2: See it through. Invite for four other people, so that the atmosphere is diluted and the conversation doesn't get too personal or focused on you/them.

Hopefully they won't invite you back. Some people just hate having to entertain, even if they are technically obliged to return the invitation, so you might get off the hook!

TheRealFellatio Wed 31-Jul-13 07:36:22

I invited a new friend and her husband for dinner without meeting her husband first, which was a mistake. He was a total dick. Luckily there were two other couples there (who also thought he was a dick) so I didn't have to lavish too much attention on him. AS we shut the door behind them at the end of the evening my DH turned to me and said 'Don't EVER invite them here again, and if they invite us back you can go on your own.'

I said, 'Oh don't worry about that - I won't be going at all.' shock

But they never invited us back anyway. We remained 'friends' and bumped into one another regularly at a local activity we were all involved with but I think they just didn't have many friends due to him being an arsehole and were not the entertaining types. Thankfully, as it turned out - no awkward excuses to make about why we couldn't go!

ageofgrandillusion Wed 31-Jul-13 07:48:38

Simple option for me - let your hub sort it all himself while you go out on the lash. Then roll in sozzled while they are half way through dinner and hurl a string if insults at this annoying bloke before sloping off to bed.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Wed 31-Jul-13 08:42:06

Agree with YouTheCat that you should do it for his wife's sake, she might well be struggling if he is EA as you suspect.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Wed 31-Jul-13 08:43:31

Sorry - I said you should do it! - obviously your DH should be doing the shopping/cooking as he extended the invitation.
Does he not know you've started this thread, then?

formicadinosaur Wed 31-Jul-13 09:08:46

I would probably make it a big gathering and change it into a bring and share meal.

SuburbanRhonda Wed 31-Jul-13 09:16:03

I don't think the OP should feel obliged to emotionally support someone (the wife, in this case), unless she really wants to burden herself with this. I know we're all supposed to look out for each other, but I feel she really shouldn't have to have this couple for dinner because the wife may need emotional support.

ZingWidge Wed 31-Jul-13 09:28:59

LTB

EuphemiaLennox Wed 31-Jul-13 09:29:55

Why don't you want to row with your DH?

If my DH invited people over after I'd asked him not to, and he understood that I disliked these people wanted to keep personally distant for them and suspected the man of being a liar or abusive- we'd bloody have a row about it.

I'd then anticipate the outcome of the row being DH having to call and cancel with an excuse, and then him taking my opinions into account in the future before he arranges things.

I think you sound deeply uncomfortable about these people and don't want to expose your personal life to them at all. This should not be ignored.

It's ridiculous to expect you to have to have them over to 'support the wife'.

Surely we're not all obliged to invite over couples we make acquaintances with where with think the man is a knobhead and feel sorry for the wife??

Jeez, I'd be having knobheads to dinner all the time.

If your dp made a mistake and acknowledges it as such, I'd just suck it up and have the dinner, and see it as helping him out of a tight spot. Agree beforehand to make polite excuses if invited back to theirs.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:00:23

Thanks very much for all the feedback.

Lots of food for thought, and one LTB, which I must admit I thought was a bit harsh!

To answer a couple of questions:

No, dh doesn't know I posted it on MN, he knows I'm on here, but I think what I write about is private and I wouldn't like him reading all my posts.

No, dh would probably not be doing the cooking. I would make him do all the tidying up/ cleaning etc but him cooking would be unadvisable.

I have had a serious think about the advice given, and the whole situation.

I could have lots of other people over to water it down a bit, but it would still, to my mind, be signalling that I wanted to be more than acquaintances with them which is not an impression I want to give.

I also don't really think it is my place to support his wife. Firstly as she seems deeply impressed by him and not needing any support, and secondly as it just isn't something I feel I can cope with emotionally.

I think EuphemiaLennox hit the nail on the head when she said:

"I think you sound deeply uncomfortable about these people and don't want to expose your personal life to them at all. This should not be ignored."

That is it, really.

I've had another think about why I'm so uncomfortable. It is lots of little things, not one big one, so I probably seem petty, but they add up.

I think I'm probably the only person he can tell is not a fan of him, so he spends inordinate amounts of time trying to get me on his side and I feel controlled.

e.g. Last week he volunteered me to do something quite time consuming (12hrs roughly of work) without asking me first.

When I asked him about it (I presumed my name being on the list was a mistake), he said,

'but you'll be so good at it, no-one could do it like you, I couldn't bear it for someone second rate to do it when we've got you'

as if it was some sort of compliment, and then later his wife came up to me and said,

'I think x is a bit upset that you didn't appreciate his confidence in you. Might be worth saying sorry'.

So somehow the whole thing got turned around to being something I had done wrong...I could write down many such examples.

I think I'm trying to justify myself as this isn't a nice way to feel about someone, and it makes me seem petty. But the thing is, he is the only man of my acquaintance I have such a reaction to, and I do trust my instincts about him.

I have had another chat with DH about it. It seems he hasn't given them a firm date but the thing we do together is on hold for 4 sessions (8 weeks) because of the school holiday, so DH mentioned perhaps they would like to come over to us on the night we usually meet up. So I've asked him not to give them a date as to which week.

DH said, 'look i've offered now I can't go back on it', but I really feel he needs to stand up for me now.

I've told him to say that when he checked with me i'd made other plans already.

We shall see whether he does it, but I'm now of the opinion I just will not have them round.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:01:14

sorry, didn't realise what a huge post that was blush

Keztrel Wed 31-Jul-13 16:06:00

Don't cook. Go out. It's not passive aggressive if you tell your DH that is what you are going to do! His mistake, he can deal with it. FWIW I can see how he could have accidentally invited them - offers like that have slipped out of my mouth before, eg offering to put someone up when I didn't really want to. The point is, your DH should recognise how strongly you feel about this and needs to sort it out.

Wuldric Wed 31-Jul-13 16:08:14

I think you should take pity on your DH and honour the invitation.

I do that a lot by the way. Whenever there is a gap in the conversation I find myself inviting people to dinner. I swear this is some kind of nervous tic.

JambalayaCodfishPie Wed 31-Jul-13 16:10:34

If he refuses to call them back he is very simply placing their feelings above yours. Make it clear that this is unacceptable.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:11:17

LOL at the nervous tic- yes I can see how it happened, if the bloke had rang me up and said 'so when are we going to see you over the holiday' I would have found it hard not to blurt it out as well, and to be fair, we do have people over lots skint so easy way of cheaply seeing people BUT i'm now pretty sure I just can't do it, although I know it would be a kindness to DH. Have realised it is just one I can't manage.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:11:56

Yes I think that's right, Jambalaya

motherinferior Wed 31-Jul-13 16:23:37

Hmmm, if I invited people round that DP didn't like (and I'm sure I do, quite often, tbh, as am much more sociable than he is) and he asked me to cancel I probably wouldn't. It would just be less hideously embarrassing to have them than to ring up awkwardly to say no.

But I do think he should be cooking in any case, if he invited them.

They sound horrid, btw, don't blame you for not wanting to see them but I don't think pulling an 'if you loved me you'd bin them' will really wash here.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:27:00

Oh motherinferior, you've worried me again!

" I don't think pulling an 'if you loved me you'd bin them' will really wash here." this is what I was worried about last night.

After reading the posts and thinking about it this morning I thought refusing to have it was the right thing to do.

Now I don't know again!

motherinferior Wed 31-Jul-13 16:28:06

I'd go out, actually. I've come round to that POV. Book a nice night at the cinema.

motherinferior Wed 31-Jul-13 16:28:49

That way they come round, you don't have to see them, and DH's Honour Is Satisfied.

Oldraver Wed 31-Jul-13 16:29:06

OP..Your DH saying he cant go back on it...he is putting saving face before your feelings and he needs telling this is not on at all....

With regard to you being volunteered by creepy bloke...did you put him straight or have you gone along with it. I hope you didnt say sorry to him

justmyview Wed 31-Jul-13 16:35:15

If it's any comfort, I did this once. My DH specially said he preferred me to consult him before making plans and the very next day, I invited people over for dinner without consulting him. Honest mistake. Really did slip my mind. I don't agree that your DH was deliberately out of order, knowing he'd get away with it

I'd have been upset / embarrassed / cross if he'd insisted on going out that night, or insisted I cancel.

Could you go out somewhere fairly cheap? That way, you're not getting into reciprocal invitations and you can leave as early as you like.

clam Wed 31-Jul-13 16:35:23

"'I think x is a bit upset that you didn't appreciate his confidence in you. Might be worth saying sorry'."

shock shock shock
She said THAT??????
I'd have been livid. Shame you didn't say "Actually, I'm a bit upset he volunteered my services without asking me first, so it might be worth him saying sorry to me. Saccharine PA smile.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:37:03

Old raver- I was sort of saved by circumstances- the thing has since been moved to a date when I am already rostered on to do something else where I am the only person who can do it, meaning someone else has to be given the job he assigned me- wasn't really brave enough to turn it down to his face so just felt very relieved when that happened. I didn't apologise at the time. I now find myself on the end of lots of barbed comments about him having to rearrange it and what a thankless task being the organiser is...

Going to walk the dog now so will have a think

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:39:15

clam, I'm so glad it would have annoyed you. It helps to know I'm not just being a cow- I so often feel it must be me...sometimes I feel completely mad around him. But I never know what to say at the time only in the car on the way home

Right, really am off to walk the dog now.

ENormaSnob Wed 31-Jul-13 16:42:50

I tell them to get fucked, including your husband.

You explicitly told him not to invite them and he did anyway hmm

Does he generally have no respect for you and your feelings?

NoSquirrels Wed 31-Jul-13 16:46:08

Let DH make the arrangements, then on the day of the dinner just invent an emergency - friend with a childcare crisis, perhaps - which means sadly you'd need to be out on that evening. Then go to the cinema. Obviously you need to tell DH that's the plan, as it is a compromise, but his honour is satisfied and your feelings respected.

You would have to suffer him in your house, but you wouldn't be there and DH could be responsible for light chitchat and not divulging personal matters.

NoSquirrels Wed 31-Jul-13 16:50:30

But YANBU - he sounds like an arse, and his wife doesn't sound much better.

ARealDame Wed 31-Jul-13 16:54:22

I think the dispute with your husband is a separate issue.

Re. the couple for dinner - I would definitely not have them around at your house. If you feel as uncomfortable as you say, trust your instincts. You don't need to justify it here or anywhere else (though your examples are creepy).

Just get your husband to make an excuse. Illness is a good one. Sorry, you (the wife) had other plans, another. You don't want to "fall out" with them but I think you are absolutely right to cancel and distance yourself.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 31-Jul-13 16:55:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

if you do cancel, just don't post on fb that night if they are on your friends lists ;-)
If you don't cancel think the sound of a meal out is a good idea to avoid arguments and stress.

fabergeegg Wed 31-Jul-13 17:45:05

What about inviting a number of people with similar interests so that they still get to come but don't progress the friendship? If you were to say, 'We knew you wouldn't mind if we threw it open to such and such as you'll be very interested to share views on...'. Provided that you have some bland, tolerant people to act as a buffer, it could then pass off quite formally, rather than intimately.

Vanillapod1980 Wed 31-Jul-13 17:50:28

I'd make an excuse to cancel then never get round to rearranging.

I'd tell DH he can make friends with them in his own time if he so likes, but not to make any arrangements with them that involve you as well.

My DP has a friend who's wife I cannot stand (she has been very rude to me and DP in the past) so I've told DP he is welcome to continue his friendship with the bloke but don't expect me to spend time with his wife

Arcticwaffle Wed 31-Jul-13 18:10:06

I'd do what one poster suggested and go out on the lash, then roll home in time for a bit of pudding and a bit of chat so you don't seem that unfriendly, but leaving the whole dinner - cooking and entertaining - to DH.

I have quite often gone out when DP has invited friends over, in the past, and I think a cheery wave on return from the pub isn't too awkward. We do tend to see our friends separately quite a lot rather than couple - to- couple anyway.

Some of his friends and family probably think I'm a bit weird or a bit of a pisshead but that's preferable to sitting around being polite when you don't really have much in common with people.

StuntGirl Wed 31-Jul-13 18:24:51

I would absolutely not let them come round. If my partner was so insistent on starting a friendship with them he would be welcome to it - but he could do it all. Shopping, preparing, cooking, cleaning, tidying and entertaining. I would go out and leave him to it.

Xales Wed 31-Jul-13 19:22:10

So are you doing the 12 hours he kindly volunteered you for?

You need to make it clear to who ever is in charge or sets up these things that this man does not own you and has no fucking say in your time and offering it up to other people and that you will not hesitate to say no if he offers you again. If he offers your services again you would appreciate it if they said they will ask you if you want to do it. Not accept some strange man's agreement for you.

This has really got my back up. Who the fuck does he think he is and who the hell does his wife think she and he are! He has no idea of your circumstances or how busy you are.

No wonder you don't want dinner with them.

Your H is refusing to acknowledge your feelings about this. Have you told him everything? This is worth an argument if he is just ignoring you.

I would definitely be going out now.

Stropzilla Wed 31-Jul-13 19:28:01

Can dh not ring them and say sorry I invited you before speaking to Armadale and she had already made plans.Can we rearrange? Great I'll call you about it.

And don't call.

Hand DH the Pom Bears and tell him to get on with it. And then go out.

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