To have left them all to go and get something to eat?(273 Posts)
Dp's mother and sister come over at 3pm, still sitting around at 7.30pm but don't want to eat.
I'm starving, having a very painful and heavy period (sorry) and ds (7months) needs to eat too. I didnt have lunch either as ds teething and v difficult at the moment.
Dp was meant to cook or get food; he did neither. It got to half 7 and I couldn't wait any longer and said I needed to eat something as was feeling unwell. I asked what they all wanted to do and they said they would eat at home, fine.
I said goodbye to mil and sil and said sorry, ive really got to go, feeling unwell etc hope you dont mind, they said no go its fine. I left with ds and ate out.
When I get back they're gone and P is really angry, says my attitude was terrible and I shouldn't have 'stormed out'.
Apparent SIL feels unwelcome now and I need to apologise if I want any kind of friendship with her. Was I meant to sit there and starve before another night of no sleep due to teething baby and horrible period pains??
Tbh I'm so annoyed at him for not supporting me, he knew I was feeling like shit and didnt support me.
That really wasnt short, sorry
Your dp should have sent them home.
YANBU to get something to eat if you are hungry.
Not sure why you had to go out to get it, but again, not unreasonable if that's what you wanted to do.
How weird! Are they always odd about eating? Did they have a big lunch before coming to you? Were they offered nothing - cuppa, biscuit?
I know I sound sharper than I intend when I'm on my period - maybe it all came across worse than you meant it, from their point of view?
What did DP say about not preparing the meal he said he would? What were you and DS supposed to do - starve? In your own home?!
I invited them to come with me and eat, they both said they would eat at home later. They had drinks and biscuits at tea time.
As it got later I sort of hinted gently that ds needed to eat, nothing in house so I would go soon, asked P if he was coming and he said he was ok not sure what I was supposed to do. I didnt 'storm out' I had to lug (sp?) heavy ds in his car seat and big bag out of the house.
Your dh was an arse but I don't understand why you didn't just eat at home?
You were at home, your mil and SIL come over. You offer them something t eat but they say no.
Why don't you just say 'ok, if you are sure. But excuse me, I just need to feed ds and get myself something' at anytime between 3.00 and 7.30?
Did you really sit there not eating until you felt ill in your own home?
I don't really understand why you went out. I would have , ade myself and my child something to eat and ignored them.
Agree they were rude though, and your DP was awful.
Sounds like a reasonable thing to do, very much so. They were terribly rude. Your partner was very badly behaved, by not getting the food and by being rude to you afterwards. I wouldn't give it a moment's thought. If you were short with them, I'm not in the least bit surprised. You could have fainted. Let your husband deal with the fall out.
No, apparently I completely out of order Ilove and he would never cook me dinner. I always look after his needs and mine are never met. I feel like a flower wilting to be honest
You were obviously trying to be polite by a. offering food and b. not then making them watch you eat. You did your very best. Your partner is a big pig.
Okay you had to go out as no food on the house. I still find that odd though. What kind of family has nothing to make a meal with in yhe house?
Not your problem at all, I think they were rude and how snide to complain about you to your dh when you had gone.
You were at home, why did you have to go out to eat?
There was no food in my house. So I explained that, as did P. his mother and sister had food at home.
He sounds like a knob, but why didn't you just make some toast? Or order a takeaway?
Yes that is a very horrible word. They can't know what it means, surely.
Nothing at all in to eat? That sounds like the strangest thing to me.
What kind of family has nothing to make a meal with in yhe house?
I guess my shitty one. I've had a very rough week and haven't managed to go food shopping. p said he would get stuff but didnt
Er, if DP was meant to organise food and then didn't, he should be apologising to you!
All of them were incredibly rude and your dp has some making up to do.
Oh my goodness yes the complaining to the partner is dreadful. Instead of saying Gosh she seemed upset, did we do something wrong. Very unpleasant people. I'm sorry you find yourself related to any of them.
Toast for dinner? After no lunch? And while bleeding heavily and no sleep? ?!
YABU to have left your own house with DS to eat. You should have tried to cook with what you have or at least ordered a take away for yourself
Exactly Walnut where is the support? None of them have looked after a little baby so shouldn't expect any understanding I guess
Dfanjo: how great do you feel about yourself now that all these posters have had a go at you ? So much better for posting on mumsnet for a bit of support ? It's like a collective gathering of snipey MILS.
I can't imagine a house with no food; no food at all? No bread, cereal, crackers, cheese, ham, pasta and jars of sauce?? Frozen stuff?
Lol as opposed to an unconnected gathering.
I'm sure you're in the right. Don't doubt yourself.
Yes walnuts exactly. Feel like shit tbh but guess I wbu
Christ do people like this really exist?? Op your P is a twat, apologies for the term, but can't think of a nicer way to put it. My dd was in bed by 6 at 7 mo, can't believe he was expected to not have food just because your P's family was there?!
I haven't had a go at the op.
I don't understand is all. It's a weird scenario.
But tbh I am pretty staggered that someone casually drops 'fucking retard' into a thread and no one bats an eyelid.
I have cous cous but no veg to do with it. Some supernoodles, beans, lentils. Freezer is bare as we're moving soon so I cleared it out as most stuff was old. Used all the frozen chips the other day
No you weren't unreasonable dfanjo. You needed a proper meal, you expected your partner to come home with food because he said he would, you were sick, and faint, because you needed to eat a decent meal and not crackers and cheese. You did the right thing and they were horrid. What a shame people here are being critical. It's the last thing you need. Sometimes with a baby things get on top of you. It's not rocket science to work out this has been one of those weeks for you.
Luckily I have a lovely dsis who listened to me cry down the phone this evening about how alone and unsupported ive been feeling. She wants to ring my p to arrange a meet up with him to chat as I'm thinking of splitting. This just feels like the straw that broke the camels back tbh
I think it's a dreadful word, I just didn't bother reading the post until you remarked upon it. Maybe lots of people didn't read the post. Unless they think its root is "bastard" rather than the other word.
Dfanjo, feels really annoyed at the responses you have had on here. There have been times when things have got on top of me and I've had nothing that can be out together to make a proper meal in (we don't have a freezer which doesn't help!) and have relied in DP to come home with stuff, if he hasn't I would have been in the same position as you.
They sound like a bunch of wankers tbh
If there was no food in the house, what was your DP planning to cook?
Dfanjo it does sound like you need a break involving lots of sleep and three square meals ago. Surviving all day on toast is not good, and you're moving too? Much stress there. What can you do to help yourself. Can you stay with your sister for a couple of nights? You will feel so much better just for getting sleep and decent nutrition.
Well at least mnhq deleted it and my post which repeated it.
I am pretty shocked tbh.
I agree, PAG, that's a disgraceful word to use. Am amazed that anyone would use it at all, ever.
I'm thinking of staying at my mums for a bit as I feel so unappreciated here.
Thank you for the support, I thought other mums would understand bit didnt want to discuss with friends who have lovely partners who look after them. No one looks out for me, my P thinks about himself a lot and I don't feel like I factor into his thoughts. He wouldn't think, for eg that 'Dfanjo is having a rough week, was up all night and has told me she's hungry, let me go and get some chips for her'
This could have been my house when DS was little, we never had enough food for an entire meal. I'd have pasta but no sauce, rice but nothing to have with it, random bits of food that went with nothing else. I wasn't used to doing a weekly shop, before DS I bought whatever food I fancied for dinner on the way home. My ways have since changed, but it's really not that unusual.
OP your DP sounds like an arse. If his family feel uncomfortable that's not your problem, you gave them an option to come with you. What did he want you to do, sit there and starve silently?
Is he usually this supportive? They are all completely out of order.
How many times does op have to say they had no food in?
They knew you were hungry, they outstayed their welcome and were rude behind your back. Sod them, I honestly can't see you did anything wrong, it was getting late and you needed to eat.
Your mum's sounds like a great idea. Get some food down you, get some sleep and think about the future. Maybe you'll have enough energy to lay down the law so that your partner knows he's facing a bleak choice if he doesn't shape up. At the moment you have none at all.
Not no future - no energy!
You had no food in the house to make a meal that you felt like eating.
Your DP had agreed that he would pick up food and cook.
I'm not getting what people are finding so hard to understand about that?
The in-laws outstayed their welcome, but you or your DP should have said at about 5.30pm... "well thanks for visiting, been nice to see you but we are going to have to get the DC and ourselves fed, bye" whilst getting their coats for them.
Apologies, that was me, didn't realise what it sounded like. It's usually a crosser version of bastard.
I can't believe posters are focusing on the fact she didn't have any food in.
OP, your DP and his family sound like twats. I'm guessing this is standard behaviour if you are thinking of leaving him.
Try to make sure you are eating regularly if you aren't getting a lot of sleep. Maybe order an online shop if DP can't be relied on to buy food when you've asked.
Doesn't everyone get caught with nothing in to make a decent meal at some point? Dfanjo of course YANBU, even with full cupboards I would have gone out and got something, just to make a bloody point tbh.
Go to your Mums get rest and have a think. A stay there might give your P a metaphorical kick up the arse..
This thread is very weird. Why is she having to explain why she didn't have food in? F
It's not a crime is it? Any more than it's a crime to eat out!!
Your P is being a knob. And an extra special one for not buying in food if he was supposed to.
Your inlaws were very rude to stay that long if they weren't going to eat with you.
Not having a go at the OP for having no food in, having a go at her "D"P for saying he would "cook and get food" and didn't, then he gave the OP a hard time for arranging food for herself and DS despite no-one else expressing any interest in eating!
^ It's usually a crosser version of bastard^
???? No, it's really not.
Fair enough ilovemydog.
But, for the sake of using it in future, whatever it sounds like it is 'fucking retard'. It's nothing to do with bastard.
Weird. I'd have left early on when they came and left baby at home with them and got a quick shop in and eaten at home and offered them whatever you made. Why sit with them all that time? Why not get on with things? Why not have a quick stern word with DH on his own to get his bum in gear?
Yes I see that now.
God I wonder what else I've been saying in company that's offensive?
I don't understand. Where did you go?
Sorry, I find this all very strange. DH and I have a whole emergency operation in place in case of guests when there's no food in the house. Do you have many guests?
but you or your DP should have said at about 5.30pm... "well thanks for visiting, been nice to see you but we are going to have to get the DC and ourselves fed, bye" whilst getting their coats for them.
I would've done this to my family, but not his. That was for him to do. Funny thing is I said that if his mums comes roud she won't leave amd it'll get awkward to try and shift her.
He said he wouldn't let that happen and he would tell her to go. I knew he wouldn't. So I started saying me and ds needed to eat, what's going on? Everyone was just sort of shrugging, I was annoyed at P for not getting food I'm like he said.
"I can't imagine a house with no food; no food at all? No bread, cereal, crackers, cheese, ham, pasta and jars of sauce?? Frozen stuff?"
Is this really that bizarre to people?? There are plenty of times we've had so little food at home that we'd have been unable to eat without going out. Doesn't mean that the cupboards are totally bare, just not enough to make a meal. Quite normal here on the days we are due a shop. Love to live in some of your houses!
OP your DP is an idiot! If he'd said he was going to do food then he should have, and definitely had no right to have a go at you for wanting to eat!
I'm also ebf still so even more so needed to eat and stay on top of calories, I'm quite thin so need to keep calories up.
Go somewhere you can have a little support. You need looking after and feeding and positivity. It's hard enough being a new mum without any crap.
Your partner sounds unhelpful. Have you eaten now? Get some sleep.
No I don't cater for many guests Fakebook and I certainly don't have an emergency plan in gear either
I live with my P and 7month old who is a handful, I do everything in the house. I see a couple of friends every few weeks. What's your point?
You didn't do anything. Go to bed. Get some sleep. Not everyone has masses of food in the house at all times.
So your DP was supposed to get food in and cook.
His family came round but didn't want to eat.
And you are somehow in the wrong for going out to get you and your baby some dinner?
YANBU at all!
Don't know why people are sniping at you at all. Of course if there's nothing in the house and your twat DP has failed to provide anything you should go out and feed yourself! I wouldn't want to scrounge around for a bit of toast if I could go and get something nice either.
Yes me and ds had a nice cheap meal out, came home to being told off though so I'm in bed now going to have a early night. Think ill leave this thread now as majority are focussing on me not having any food in my house.
Fakebook - why would she need an emergency plan for guests? They already had a plan - the DP was getting food and cooking
Fake I think the OP says on another page they are moving house so have emptied the freezer. I did the same before we moved, emptied freezer and cupboards as much as possible then did a big shop when in the new house. For the last couple of days before we moved we were on takeaways and sandwich shops for every meal..
I'm another that can't believe the number of people focussing on how 'weird' it is that you didn't have food to make a meal with in the house. It happens in this house regularly!
YANBU he should have offered to go and get you something and actually, they should have offered to go to let you get on with your evening meal. Very selfish on his and his family's side.
It does sound shit like you - is your DP always this unsupportive or is this a temporary blip?
Staying at your mum's for a bit sounds like a good idea - just for the time and space you need.
Have enough negativity from my P, don't need it here either.
Fakebook, you're always quite rude on threads, maybe you should get a plan for that? You must be unhappy. But at least you have bountiful amounts of food in your larder, hey.
Amd now I'm focussing on it!! Sorry Dfanjo, still YANBU. Hope you get a good sleep x
When we moved house we ate everything (and got rid of the freezer) and just bought food on a day to day basis to avoid moving boxes full of food unnecessarily.
"Sorry, I find this all very strange. DH and I have a whole emergency operation in place in case of guests when there's no food in the house. Do you have many guests?"
Jeez - how shit do you feel now, dfanjo?
Just read the supportive comments. Lots of people do know what it can be like.
He's, he is usually quite unsupportive, he's never done a night feed despite me asking for example. Never cooks. Even when I got home after giving birth I had to cook. Hence why I'm thinking my needs are never met in this relationship so I really need space to think.
I find the idea of an emergency plan in case of guests when you have no food quite bizarre Is it ready meals in a glass case with a little axe next to it?
Arf at emergency operation feeding plans for guests. Must add that to my list of things to aspire to having in place.
Was going to say that food particularly important if breast feeding.
Don't apologise. Text SIL and MIL same text. 'Lovely to see you today. Thankfully tea at pizza hut hit the spot. I was starving what with no lunch, breast feeding constantly and DH changing his mind and not cooking tea'
"DH and I have a whole emergency operation in place in case of guests when there's no food in the house."
Please please tell me it involves smoke, mirrors and abseiling out of the house?
Good luck ddfanjo, go to your mum's, rest, sleep it. I feel sorry for you. Maybe your mum will brush your hair for you. It never fails to make me feel cared for when someone does that for me
Bloody hell, this is ridiculous! We are always facing the cupboard is bare situation and either DH or I have to pick up food for dinner, as pre-agreed, depending on who is working / doing the nursery run etc. Your DH had agreed to get food and he should've done that. Nothing more to it. I'm so pleased for you that you went out for a meal, best thing you could've done.
As for an emergency plan for unexpected guests turning up for dinner! Wow, a takeaway menu? Or should we have packets of space food tucked away?
Thanks Crumbled and other supportive posters. Going to bed now x
sleep it? I mean, sleep, eat.
"Hence why I'm thinking my needs are never met in this relationship so I really need space to think."
Sounds like you could do with it. Sorry to hear you are struggling, it's not what you need. Look after yourself now.
How soon before some happy homemaker posts a list of her always in the house ingredients? Using bullet points. And with ideas about how to whip them up into a nutritional meal for 30.
It doesn't sound good you don't seem to be very comfortable in your own home, had that been me i'd have started a conversation along the lines of 'eeeeeeee, I could eat a scabby horse between to matresses and I think baby does too, i'm going to order takeout/get some shopping, does anyone want anything'.
It shouldn't be made into an issue, they all sound a bit odd
I totally get why you might end up with no food in the house, but don't get why you took the baby out to eat? Could you not have popped to the shop, grabbed some food and brought it back? (Or to the chippy?)
Where did you go and what did you end up eating?
snort at the comments about emergency plans and axes and abseiling, vv good
nkf I want to know what they'd whip up with a tub of raspberry ripple ice cream, some frozen peppers and some apple juice.
Dfanjo I hope you have a good sleep and not too interrupted by the baby.
Come over to mine and I will give you smoked salmon and cream cheese on a bagel with scrambled eggs and French toast for breakfast
There's usually some ropey old fish at the back of the freezer. I think they sell freezers with the ropey old fish already at the back, I really do.
I'm confused . the OP had absolutely NO food in the house, no baby food/milk and couldn't order a takeaway?
YABU. I would always have something in the house for my DC
If only Dfango had had a chicken. She could have fed at least 20 people for 3 nights with a chicken. If and when I get an Emergency Guest Policy and Procedure document in place, it will definitely feature a chicken.
Dfango - yes, get that space to think a bit. Hope you're OK.
Just want to clarify that you are ebf your DS at 7 months? What about solid foods?
I don't think they should have stayed through most people's evening meal time. They could have offered to look after your DS whilst you went to the shops or at least been a bit more sensitive. They seem a bit selfish. It sounds as if you're not getting the support you should be from your DP.
Don't bother fcek - the op's gone, rather depressed by comments like yours.
YANBU. Your DP was being very rude for not getting food and not putting you first in your home. Your ILs were being rude for obviously out staying your welcome. And now he thinks you should apologise to them? No.
"YABU. I would always have something in the house for my DC"
Have gold star.
Hmm, would it be wrong of me to say FCEK off?
Op YANBU and have way more patience than me I'd have told them to F off. As for those saying why didn't you go buy food and come home and cook WTF? At half 7 at night I'd be going out or getting a takeaway but if my in laws didn't look to be moving I wouldn't want to eat in front of them but maybe I'm weird?
FCEK - the OP has these amazing things called breasts - hence always having something in for the baby.
How funny - emergency plan!!! My emergency plan is some baked beans 50% of the time but I'd be buggered if I could find a potato to serve it with and I think any adult guest would run off if I offered 25 baked beans as a main evening meal. Actually I may also have a tin of pilchards also. Would a few cubes of jelly suffice as pud?
Mamij - a baby's main source of food at 7 months would be BM. I think the OP meant she was BF as opposed to FF & therefore needed the calories
Didn't want to get takeaway as ds couldn't have had any then. Not ebf, sorry just bf but still mostly on milk but he does want solids in the evening.
I don't know why I took him too, I guess in my head I was thinking I'm hungry, ds is too so I went to get food! I wasn't thinking too straight, having to entertain them all and ds on top of no food since breakfast, heavy period, no sleep, tetthing baby and bf - I think I'm entitled to feel a little bit frazzled
Fakebook, you're always quite rude on threads, maybe you should get a plan for that? You must be unhappy. But at least you have bountiful amounts of food in your larder, hey.
Brilliant comeback Dfanjo! I was feeling sorry for you but you are one kickass lady, good on ya.
Get the rest and food you need, stay at your mum's for a break and then put your P straight. He drastically needs to shape up. It occurs to me, might he have been exaggerating what his M and S said to ease his (justifiable) guilt about not having delivered on the food front as he had promised?
And I also really cannot believe the attention being given to the bareness of the cupboards. Even without the justification of a) it being shopping day and b) am move is imminent, that is hardly the hot issue here.
Quick comment: re heavy periods, why don't you have a vit tablet or floradix or something every month. You could be mildly anaemic.
It occurs to me, might he have been exaggerating what his M and S said to ease his (justifiable) guilt about not having delivered on the food front as he had promised?
Very good point. I'm going to call his sister tomorrow and talk. I have her a kiss goodbye and explained why I was leaving, she seemed fine and we are very close so I was surprised to hear that she said she didn't feel welcome
My point is, you had guests and you and your DH can't work together to rustle up something between yourselves...even a take away? Doesn't take 2 mins to phone up and order. I don't understand why you sat from 3pm to 7.30pm without thinking about food. As for ebf, I did it too. Twice. I wouldn't have let myself starve just because my DH was being lazy and not making/getting food.
I'll let that other comment go. , although I should report it.
"My point is, you had guests and you and your DH can't work together to rustle up something between yourselves...even a take away?"
The OP did go and sort food out.
Thanks. Hope your belly is full now and you get some rest tonight. Your DP needs to make it up to you with a nice home cooked meal tomorrow.
The guests didn't want food, the baby couldn't have eaten takeaway - going out for food seems sensible to me.
Fakebook: I think you know that reporting Django's highly justified and provoked retort (which was far more measured than mine would have been) would only make you look rather silly.
I will see Grumbled's tais toi (which I assume was addressed to your good self) and raise her a ferme-la!
Anyone else hungry after reading this thread? And I haven't gone shopping yet either.. damn..
Ha ha fakebook it seems you can dish but you can't take. "....although I should report it". God grow up.
OP I have rarerly seen such a pile if nitpicking twatwankery. Please ignore them. YANBU
The OP asked if she was being unreasonable. I think she was. If she wants cuddles and hugs for ebf and needing calories and support she needs to talk to her DH, who obviously can't work with her to sort out food for themselves and potential guests.
So it's the OP's fault that her DH didn't do what he said he would??
You had nothing to eat in the house - shit happens - so you had three choices - 1) get a takeaway or 2) eat out or 3) buy something to eat from supermarket and cook it at home.
I dont see a problem. Why would your inlaws be offended at you? Is it because you ate out or did they not want you to eat at all whilst they were there?
How odd. So often these days I read the most bizarre threads on mumsnet and think that some people (i.e your inlaws) spend their lives going around being annoyed and pissed off by trivia.
Do you know I really hate it when posters pretend they are forthright and "saying it like it is" when really they are just being rude twats.
The OP asked if she was being unreasonable. I think she was.
Fair enough, but the whole tone of your response was very Margo Leadbetter and seemed designed to make her feel even worse.
I don't understand why people find the lack of food in the house strange either. Obviously there are many people who are much more organised than me and the OP, but I'm sure there are plenty in our camp either.
Is this an isolated incident, OP, or part of a pattern?
I think something happens to MN in the summer holidays. Same as the run up to Christmas. Some sort of - I don't know - oddness seems to emerge. The level of disbelief that someone could have empty cupboards is just weird.
My take on it is that the OP is being made to feel that she has been rude. Her DP was meant to bring food home and didn't. I read the post as checking out what she had done against other people's judgement. Because when you're in a situation, it can be hard to see what's going on. Especially if you are tired and hungry.
And it's turned into some sort of weirdo domestic goddess thread.
"DH and I have a whole emergency operation in place in case of guests when there's no food in the house."
Oooh is that like a zombie apocalypse plan?
OP, good luck with your DP, only you can know if hes going to be the supportive partner you deserve, and am concerned you didnt do something about your lack of food earlier, was this fear of upsetting your DP or something.
Come to think of it, we have an emergency plan as well. It's called "going to our local Chinese and let them cook for us". Which, in a sense is kind of what Dfanjo did...
I hope she's currently snoring loud enough to keep her P awake all night but quietly enough to let the baby sleep through..
Only on mumsnet could people read the op and find fault with the author. Mad!
Op YADNBU. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Yes, I think you do need some space and some TLC in your mums if you can. Your 'd'p is being a complete arse and you are obviously not comfortable enough in your own house to assert yourself for basic needs! You poor thing. I've been there myself and it's rotten. Mind yourself and remember YOU WERE NOT IN THE WRONG. AT ALL. Try and build up the confidence to do what YOU want when you need to. You do not deserve that kind of treatment. Best of luck x.
Dear lord. The amount of fussing on here about the contents of a cupboard. When you are tired and feeling lousy you don't always fancy toast or whatever staple is in the cupboard. I think the OP was right to leave. My cupboards and fridge are bare just before the big shop so I wouldn't be able to cook anything decent and the OP did state she had emptied the freezer. What was she supposed to do - sit there gnawing on a bit of stale cheese and raw carrot?
Also for all those posting about getting a takeaway delivered. How much spare money do you have a month? I can't afford takeaways unless its a real emergency (ie relative in hospital or something). MIL and SIL sitting on their arse on my sofa would not constitute grounds for the extra expense.
OP - take yourself to your mums and have a break with tasty food and an extra pair of hands for a day or two. You sound like you need it. I'm sure the ILs arent really that upset, sounds like damage limitation on DHs part.
I just don't get the focus on the food/cupboards either, or the criticism of the OP.
Looking at other stuff you've posted I think he sounds utterly vile. And I bet the stuff about your sil feeling unwelcome isn't even true.
I hope your mum gives you the TLC you need.
I hope you can get a good sleep tonight and go to your mums for a bit if rest if that's an option. YANBU as your partner sounds less than helpful. If you agreed he'd get food in then he should have got food in. And cooked you all a meal.
I sympathize with the heavy periods and feeling faint. I suffered anaemia during pregnancy and my iron levels still plummet when I have my period so I rely on iron tablets to get me through the worst of the days. Maybe speak to a doctor about it.
OP, YANBU. your partner is a twat. You are not. Good on you for getting food for you and DS.
Go to your mums and get some space, your partner really isn't much of a partner to you. I hope your DS sleeps well for you tonight!
I want to hear more about the emergency food operation.
YANBU but OP...do an online shop next week. I know the pain of being disorganised re shopping and once you've got kids you just HAVE to have food in. Even if you only have some dried pasta, a few tins of beans and a frozen pizza you need food in the house....if one of you gets ill, you don't need the added worry of no dinner.
I think Fakebook might be married to the Milk Tray Man...
The dreaded cup of tea and biscuit brigade. They think because they can
last all day on a bloody digestive so can the rest of us. I have to eat when I need to as I get migraines with irregular food intake. People can take it or leave it at my house but it can make things difficult when at someone else's if they are not really eaters. I have been known to take cereal bars to discreetly snack on.
actually, can mashpot and hobnobs just bugger off now, or at least name change. I am rather short of useful food at the moment as the fridge freezer died and we are going away. loads of tins, but nowhere to store the remainder of the contents.
dfanjo. yanbu. sounds like you relationship could do with a good rethink.
Very rude to go out. Understand why your family feel that way.
Totally fine to say at say at 6pm, don't mind me just going to make dinner so will be pottering around in kitchen, why not bring a chair in and chat while I cooking. I do this when people round regularly.
Ok see lack food... Think should have made /eaten something - no pasta / rice / biscuits etc even if something you didn't fancy. If literally nothing probably should have called for take away. If neither possible should have said to them - look I have literally not a morsel in the house and nowhere delivers so have to go out to get food, would you like to come with?
Christ, will people read the bloody thread ., it's not about the lack of food in the cupboards!!
She asked them if they wanted to eat, they replied no.
She was hungry so went out to eat, they had been there since 3 after all.
Her dh is the issue here, firstly by not cooking as he had promised , not supporting OP with sorting out the visitors and getting them to leave then blaming her for upsetting his sister.
Go to your Mum's if you think you need a break from your dh, he sounds like a prat.
Yup, My ILs once came to take me out to lunch when dh was away .I was 7 months pg & constantly starving. They arrived at 1 pm, I went to get my coat, they informed me that theyd just had brunch, we would go for lunch about 4 . So I cooked a Shepherds pie, SMIL was besides herself, couldn't I wait to eat until 4 ??? Erm , no.
But they do have a funny controlling thing about food ! All of Corse reported by them to dh, who told them they were BVU.
Oh & your dh sounds like a twat & you sound lovely op.
P said he was defending me to them, not sure if I believe him tbh, can't imagine him having my back. He has a very toxic relationship with his mother so it's all very complicated.
He's giving me the silent treatment this morning, although I haven't tried to talk to him. Going to call sil in the afternoon and try and not let it ruin my day.
It just seems to be argument after argument followed by a disagreement. Yesterday morning I took ds into living room from 6am until 9am so P could sleep. I think about his well being like that all the time, sadly I'm always overlooked. Not sure I want/can live like that.
I think it's got worse since he started working from home, so he's here all the time without an office space. I have to be out a lot to give him space to work. But sometimes I just want to crash at home rather than go to baby classes or friends
Go to your mum's house and have a break. Working from home is a readjustment. So is a seven month old. Try not to stress. When is the move coming up?
There's a mismatch of expectations here. They arrived at 3 - what time were you expecting them to stay till?
You were expecting P to arrive with food - when he didn't did you say anything at that point, like "oh well I'll need to go and get some food then"
Move is in a fortnight. I wouldn't be looked after at my mums, it would just be to get space. I wish I had the sort of mum who cooks for you and cuddles but she's different. Quite narcissistic and a workaholic.
Yes I did Melanie I kept saying me and ds needed to eat and what shall we do etc. When ds napped at 5 he should've got something. Instead they were all looking online at things that would suit P with his mother fawning over him
I sort out food EVERYDAY. At lunchtime yesterday, P called and said they might stay for dinner as they were coming over about 4.30/5pm (they came early) so I said well you need to sort food today as I'm really not up to it, he agreed.
Why do I then have to keep reminding a grown fucking man to cook for us? He's never had to remind me.
Make things easy today. How far are the shops? You go. Buy enough for two days. Or ask him to go. Buy enough for two days. Soup. Bread. Ham. Cheese. Just hunker down till you feel better. And nurofen for the period pains.
I'm astonished at many poster focussing on the OP not having food in. Look at he contrast in support between this thread and the thread where another OPs DH has invited a couple to dinner after she asked him not to.
Here the OP has a partner who is capable of shopping and cooking, in fact he said he was going to then did not.
The OP is a ebf mother, lacking in sleep, understanding and support from her partner and his family. She asked if they wanted to eat, she asked what they wanted to do. She is not in the wrong for going to feed herself and her child.
DfanjoUnchained please dont phone your SIL to apologise. She and your partner should be apologising to you for making you uncomfortable and unwell. If you start saying sorry they will feel their rudeness/sulking is justified, which it isn't.
Reading your replies I think this situation is just one symptom in an unhappy relationship.
Why cant your partner take the wee one into the living room and let you rest?
Because he just wouldn't think to do that ratspeaker I have to prompt him to do everything. It's tiring.
I'm seeing my dad today and will pick up some food. I actually brought him some food back from the place I went to and he didnt touch it to make a point probably.
I bet he's really looking forward to it for lunch so I'm going to take it with me and eat it for dinner at mums.
I was going to call SIL to talk about it, definitely not apologise. She's acted exceptionally rude infront of me countless times, so has her mother and I've never had a call or apology :/
OP was not U at all! I'd there's no food in the house, or you don't feel like cooking, then totally acceptable to go out to eat.
DP sounds like a bit of a twat tho, he's not giving you a lot of respect really.
Why call your sister in law? Does it really matter? Let all that go and build up your strength. Don't brush what happened between you and your partner under the carpet, but it doesn't all have to be handled today. Let him sulk.
Maybe ill just leave it nkf
Dfanjo I hate situations like you described, and know exactly what you mean. Over-hungry, over-tired and periody would put me in a foul mood, and I am always amazed when people are so oblivious that they have outstayed their welcome.
You did nothing wrong.
Oh, and I budget food shop and meal plan. Which is great, except that if I don't make it to the shops when I plan to, there can be very little food in the house on the odd occasion. really no big deal
I just get very anxious if I feel someone is upset with me. Bit of a people pleaser I guess but will try and not call. His mums probably forgotten already knowing her mental capacity.
"I bet he's really looking forward to it for lunch so I'm going to take it with me and eat it for dinner at mums."
I agree RatSpeaker. Surely the issue here is the OP's unsupportive partner? And rude as fuck in-laws?
Agree you should NOT apologise, you have nothing wrong.
I think your partner was quite rude to you when you returned. He hadn't kept his side of what you agreed so why should you be hospitable to his family?
I'd be sitting him down for a strong talking to and making him aware of what needs to change!
Having no food in the house is ridiculous and stupid when you have a baby.
"Wilting flower" sounds a bit precious tbh and daft.
You are an adult and should eat when you are hungry. If your partner does nothing for you then what is the point of being with him?
Your SIL is begin silly too. You have nothing to apologise about. Seems to me your inlaws like making you feel uncomfortable in your own home and your partner certainly isn't on your side.
I think your partner has behaved appallingly, and I think hanging around someone's house at 7.30 saying you will eat later but not letting them get on with shopping and preparing food is very rude. If you haven't been invited for a meal then you leave before meal time.
As your parnter knew his parents were coming he should have sorted out the shopping before they arrived, or told them that they'll have to go as he needs to go shopping as he's preparing dinner and hasn't got any food in. His pregnant wife and kids should have come first.
It sounds as though you weren't direct enough in asking him what he is doing about shopping for dinner and getting an answer.
I don't understand why he is being so horrible, he is the one who promised to go shopping and cook dinner and decided not to and so left you hungry at 7.30. I'm not sure why he found it so hard to tell his relatives that they'll have to go so he can go shopping and sort out dinner.
"Having no food in the house is ridiculous and stupid when you have a baby."
There would have been food in the house if the partner did the shop when he said he would. How hard is this to grasp?? It's not the OP's fault if he's being a lazy fucker.
This man sounds like an abusive bully. Are you really planning on spending the tet of your life with him?
I generally feel that there are people on here too quick to identity abuse but he really does sound toxic. He seems to suck the joy and self belief from you. Living with him sounds such hard work.
For fuck`s sake. Will people shut up about the food in the cupboards?
I bet you've got a picnic up there on your high horse, eh Strawberry?
Or just a couple of scotch eggs in your saddle bags?
Have you met Fakebook? She and her husband are starting an army of mealtime first responders that I think would benefit from a mounted unit...
WTAF has gone on with this thread?
OP - you mentioned several times you were hungry. YWNBU to go out looking for food when your OH was supposed to shop.
The in-laws clearly didn't get your not so subtle hints of I need to eat and there's nothing in. You say OH has a toxic relationship with MIL - I think you'll find that your SIL won't have a problem at all with your leaving.
Your OH was unreasonable and is projecting his guilt on you to a point I think. He should have got food in - pasta, cream and cheese is enough to make macaroni cheese. Throw in some ham or mushrooms and jobs done. That's all he needed to do - get some staples in that you could make a meal out of. HWBU for not ensuring his family was fed.
I do agree with other posters that maybe you shouldn't have left but only because I don't agree with your having to leave your own home due to other people's thoughtlessness. It's supposed to be your sanctuary where you can rest, eat and feel that you can relax and be yourself. Not where you have to leave because guests overstay and your OH has been an arse with a complete lack of shopping. TBH I would be mortified if I was at my SIL's and put her in this position. But then my SIL would tell me I had to leave due to meal times.
Going to your mums is probably good as your OH works from home and it sounds like you need your space. To think, to rest and concentrate on you and DS. I'm presuming you've not had a break since DS was born and you do all the cooking, nightfeeds and housework? I think the major crux of the problem here from your posts is a partner who is selfish, thinks of himself and how he is perceived by the world. Hes not talking to you today as he thinks you embarressed him in front of his family (you may find SIL bollocked him for not getting foodin!) And you were expected to cook for him when you came home just after giving birth? Pffft! And you must leave the house so that he can work from home in peace? I do this for DH as an occasional one off but my DH has just told me if he needed somewhere quiet to work from home, he would just buy himself a shed.
Ignore the child-man with the attitude giving the silent treatment and try to have a better day.
Dfanjo hope you have a better day today. YWNBU in the slightest.
Seriously, what the actual fuck is the matter with some of you?
you poor thing,
Your DP is a twat, his parents are rude.
You are overtired, ebf and a period and nothing you fancied eating.
You go get some food, and this is made out that you had done a selfish act! No one who hasn't breastfed and looked after a small DC on little sleep would understand how all encompassing the hunger is.
I think you should go to your mums, get some support and some love and have a rethink. You deserve better.
Agree with every thing fishandlilacs says.
YANBU and your H and relatives are being ridiculous.
Thanks for all the support today. Maybe there was a full moon last night or something.
I'm going to have a nice day with ds and leave him to sulk. He is indeed a man child.
I think the only emergency plan you need to make, OP, is your leaving plan.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD THAT WASN'T IN THE HOUSE!
<bangs head on desk>
Have a good day Dfanjo hope the weather's better where you are than it has been here! It's V undecided here at the moment, however going off yesterday it will probably decide to piss it down 5 minutes after we set off out...
Maybe some posters have fairies that do the shopping so they never run out of food. And even if they do they can still make Fairy and High Horse Stew.
I've just read this thread with this face - - on.
Of course YWNBU in the slightest. In your shoes, my DH would not be getting the silent treatment, he'd be getting a piece of my mind!
Your P KNEW you had no food in, he KNEW you and your DS would need to eat.
He promised to sort out food, then didn't bother.
He promised he would ask his DM to leave before it got to the point where you would have to go out and risk offending them (oddballs for being offended at that, but there we go), then he didn't bother.
Sounds like this situation was entirely his making. He had plenty of opportunities to avoid it getting to that point, but he didn't bother. He backed you into a corner, then decided to blame you for it?!? Sounds like he's being an utter shit, to be frank.
Do you think he wanted to create an arguement?
at " Fairy and High Horse Stew"
This is the third thread I've read today where people are just being horrible and focusing on one minor aspect to pick pick pick.
Is this a summer thing? I may leave and come back in September.
OP: You did nothing wrong. I am sorry your mum won't look after you, you possibly accept the rubbish treatment from your OH if your mum treated you badly growing up? Your OH sounds crap. I think you might end up happier living alone if he can't change.
Bitches: Put your kids in a playscheme if they make you so bloody miserable.
Fairy and High horse stew
Don't give Findus any ideas....
I agree - it's not about the food!
YANBU. They knew you needed food but put their own "un-need" before you. Very selfish and unnecessary.
Agree that the problem now is what to do about your relationship. Think carefully.
Your mother is "narcissistic and a workaholic" (which may have influenced you to become a "Bit of a people pleaser" ). Your DP "has a very toxic relationship with his mother" which has probably fucked him up a bit as well. And the relationship between you and DP sounds pretty unbalanced with you running after him (because you've been moulded into a people pleaser) and him being a selfish arse.
I really don't like the sound of your home life. In fact, it doesn't sound as if where you live can be considered a home in the true sense, the place where you can relax and be yourself and feel safe and secure. Your DP behaves in such a way that you "have to be out a lot to give him space to work. But sometimes I just want to crash at home rather than go to baby classes or friends." And yesterday he behaved in such a way (agreeing to shop/cook but not doing so) that you were driven from your home just to meet your and DS's basic needs.
" I'm thinking of splitting"
That's very good news! Seriously, your relationship does not sound healthy. You've said you are moving home shortly, is there any possibility that you could move without him, or he could move and you stay put?
*" I'm thinking of splitting"
That's very good news! Seriously, your relationship does not sound healthy. You've said you are moving home shortly, is there any possibility that you could move without him, or he could move and you stay put?*
This is where I'm torn because the new house is so much bigger, he will have his own office tucked away and me and ds will have lots of space to place and chill out. Plus there's a dishwasher
So part of me thinks maybe we're not getting on well because we are on top of eachother here. Other part wants to just get my own flat with ds, I've saved a good amount of money so can do this. Don't think I have the cajones though
"part of me thinks maybe we're not getting on well because we are on top of eachother here"
Well it won't help, but it's not the root of the problem really, is it? You've said it got worse when he started working from home, but to get worse it has to have already been bad.
Has he any idea of how bad his selfishness is, and how it is affecting your relationship?
You could have a pointDfanjo and it may well be that a new environment makes for a more relaxed atmosphere all round which may help to heal the problems you're having.
But do hang onto your escape fund...I am thrilled that you've got one!
Well, it must be good to feel you have the option though. I agree with everything Whereyouleftit says, but I also think go easy on yourself. You're bfing a 7mo and organizing a house move - you'll look back on this and wonder how the hell you did it and fielded passive-aggressive shite from your in-laws and just aggressive shite from your P at the same time. Once you're in the new house, it will quickly become clear whether it was just logistics all along (or will he suddenly develop reasons why you can't relax there either?) Then might be the time to cultivate the cojones.
This is the third thread I've read today where people are just being horrible and focusing on one minor aspect to pick pick pick.
Hope you got some sleep OP, and feel at least a bit better.
Fairy and High horse stew I would stew the guests with it, I would.
I'm only on page 3, forgive me.
(((((((((((((((((very Soft Hugs)))))))))))))) OP
Many normal people have been in the situation of being without enough food in the house. Nothing to be ashamed off Sweetie.
Sweetie, A bigger house won't fix him.
I would have left them, and probably earlier. I am a true people pleaser too, but since getting pregnant have found my selfish side! They decide to make camp at your house, knowing you are tired and hungry, I would expect at the very least that one of the ladies would offer to get you something, if only to show their lazy brother/son how he should be treating you. They are enabling his behaviour.
I wouldn't think twice about this - you were hungry, you offered to take them too, f them if they want to get mardy about it. They shouldn't be so rude as to expect you to stay in all afternoon to entertain them.
Your dp needs a boot up the arse. Good luck with the move...may I suggest you are out to lunch on that day as well?!
All of this just gets worse and worse.
Your DP can't look out for his family's basic need to EAT - even when he has promised to and on the very rare occasion where it isn't all sorted for him.
YOU have to get up early and take the baby away to let him have a lie-in? Gobsmacked by this - presumably you are feeding/tending to the baby in the night, you should be getting the lie-in!
You have to go out all day so that he can work in peace? Again, WTF? He needs to shut himself away and get on with it or find himself a cafe/library/office space to work in.
I don't think YABU Op.. I think the issue here is your lack of support. You weren't feeling well.. you hadn't got around to doing a food shop and honestly DP should have prepared something for visitors or organised a takeaway.
From 3-7 is a long visit. Maybe for the next time have a few pizza's in the freezer if you can.
Don't beat yourself up about this..
I never have a 'spare dinner' hanging about for guests and what day you do your food shopping determines what is in the house and is no-one's business but your own family.
The OP wasn't supposed to do the food shop - it wasn't a case of her not getting around to it - her DP was supposed to do it and didn't bother.
Not the OP's responsibility to ensure there is food in the freezer - her DP's responsibility to do as he says he will.
You poor thing, I want to give you a sausage pie with lots of gravy and cuddles. Your in laws overstayed their welcome and your DP clearly has no balls not to say, "come on, time to leave."
When DD was about a month old, the same thing happened to me with BIL and his then girlfriend. I was still bleeding, DD was feeding every hour, we were both baby shocked still and they both just sat there wanting drinks. In the end, I just burst into tears and went upstairs. DP asked them to leave, and then ordered some food.
In my tired brain, I couldn't work out what to do next, I just needed food and rest! It's not an uncommon thing, and it's not up to you to make people feel welcome when they should have gone home an hour ago.
Yanbu, ignore posters saying you are or should have had food in, we all run our of stuff and you can do what you bloody well like, they'd been there 4 hours! When I'm on my periods sometimes I feel as though I must eat right now or I feel faint.
Dfanjo: how great do you feel about yourself now that all these posters have had a go at you ? So much better for posting on mumsnet for a bit of support ? It's like a collective gathering of snipey MILS.
Crumbledwalnuts well I'm a mil and totally astonished that posters are saying OP was unreasonable. There's something in the air on MN today and it's not nice.
Isn't it rude to stay past a normal mealtime and refuse food? You either eat or leave surely. OPs partner was supposed to get food, failed abysmally at that simple task and then blamed OP for going to get something to eat. Why should OP have to make do with a slice of toast for her main meal because visitors are outstaying their welcome.
I quite often shop on a daily basis for food because a) I can and 2) I don't always know what I will want to eat a few days ahead.
It appears that rude extended family are more important than wives and partners today.
"So part of me thinks maybe we're not getting on well because we are on top of eachother here. Other part wants to just get my own flat with ds"
If it's any consolation at all, I'm in exactly the same situation.
Joins YouStayClassySanDiego in head banging
There were 4 adults in that room. 1 was an exhausted ebf mother who has no help from her partner at looking after a teething child and that's who some of you are picking on for there being no food in the house for her to cook and entertain her partners family!
Does her partner who said he would shop and cook have no responsibility in this? Or does having a penis excuse him from such family duties?
bangs head again
DfanjoUnchained if you do move with him please, please keep your savings intact in case you need to move out.
Will a bigger house make him help out with DS more?
Even if he has his own office will it stop him moaning about the noise and bedlam that comes with an active toddler.
Will it make him get up early with DS and let you have along lie?
Love - find the cajones!!
He is a selfish twat - thinking only of his own needs and not yours - ever (from what you have said).
You have the resources to get a place on your own with DS, I bet your life would be infinitely nicer that way. Woman up
Staying beyond a mealtime in that way is
a criminal offence rude.
You might well have looked stroppy to them. So what? YWNBU.
Having BA cupboards is completely normal. Especially if someone has said they"ll sort dinner and don'tbother.
Adjusting to parenthood is tough. It's really hardon any relationship.
You both have lots going on. Your DP needs to be nice to you.
In your position I would talk to my GP or HV. I am wondering if you might have PND. I do apologise if this is speaking out of turn. Just the impression I have from your back story the tone of your Posts.
Sorry if this is off mark.
Btw. Don't be calling anyone about that non incident where you went out for food.
he really is not being supportive is he. do you think this might change when / if you move together? do you actually love him and want to be with him. if so, then yes perhaps more space will help but you need to be able to talk about what needs to change. some people really are very selfish Dh for example a minor thing here I know but if I have to go into work early / catch an early train to a conference etc I put my clothes in the bathroom and get breakfast quietly to avoid waking him, if he has the same situation he is in the bedroom rattling coathangers, radio on in the kitchen etc. He just does not THINK its not to be mean. If your DP is really uncaring and unhelpful all the time then this is an issue to be faced before you move, he changes or you don't go with him. ask yourself 'is this really the life you want for you and ds?' what would need to change for you to make things better, then TALK TO HIM its a chance to make your future how you want it to be. good luck.
Good post stepawayfromtheecclescakes
ask yourself 'is this really the life you want for you and ds?'
I ask myself that a lot. He's always been selfish. I know it's because of his childhood and I give him a lot of allowances for that, but it gets to a point where you ask yourself 'what's in this relationship for me?' And right now it's not much - the rent gets paid, that's probably it.
I feel like a fall a little out of love with him whenever he's like this or doesn't help me or isn't understanding.
I never thought about pnd, I had the baby blues but since 4 days old ive loved being a mum, just find it bloody exhausting and relentless too!
Sorry to hear that, MurderofGoths hope your situation improves.
He texted me earlier (first contact all day) to ask if I had spoken to his sister yet. So I called her as I had a free minute.
She said she wasn't annoyed at me at all, just that she had felt uncomfortable yesterday as it felt like there was tension (which there was due to his thoughtlessness). She said she will speak to him about being more supportive.
She said he really shouldve got food in and didnt know he had promised that. Funny he omitted that detail
Good for his sister! He's a twat.
Those saying the OP was rude, should have a 'plan' in place etc, leave her the fuck alone.
Glad your hunch about your SIL was correct. I expect she knows her brother all too well.Nice of your notso"D"P to apply her comment all to you and think it was nothing to do with him.
As for being a certain way because of his childhood - he's an adult, now. He needs to start making a real effort to behave like one.
Did you text him back to say "Yes. She thinks you're a tosser."?
No but something similar Tolliver
I don't even want to go home tonight, it will just be another awkward tense night and ill have to initiate communication or we won't talk. Gah
He does sound like a bit of a knob ATM. When you could really do with him being supportive.
Having a small child IS relentless and exhausting.
Hopefully his DSis will speak with him too. But I agree with ecclescakes
Pop round here if you like. We can always squeeze an extra one in for supper. (sorry, unhelpful)
Don't initiate communication. Let him sulk, enjoy the quiet and rise above any 'atmosphere'.
I wouldn't live with a sulky silent man. That would be a definite deal breaker for me. Adults discuss their problems and then get on with life. He is the one who should have been apologising for not having gone shopping as he promised.
OK giving each other an hour or so to calm down but rows carrying over into the next day aren't on for me. you sort it out and move on. No sulking, not even for children.
You need to tell this twat to shape up or ship out.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around an overgrown man child?
Any of his redeeming qualities (if they exist) will be eroded over time by his massive faults: namely his being an unsupportive, undermining mama's boy.
overgrown man child indeed. You already have one child to look after, you don't need another one.
Maybe the move will be able to be a fresh start for him and the extra space will help you both... Can you set out some ground rules ("when you say you're going to get food in, you bloody get fucking food in" for example) and then quietly monitor things and if there's no improvement in a set amount of time, say 12 weeks, then think about your own next steps? DH and I had a super rough patch about 5 years ago and actually separated for a bit
honestly more than a bit, more like a year and a half, but then ultimately decided to do a home reno we had been planning for ages which gave us more space. We had a talk about the new world order in our new home, including the DDs and their increased roles in the family in terms of helping out and housework etc, and I'm happy to say that things are now pretty good, great in fact.
All I am trying to say is that in spite of our problems, I could still see a glimmer of the man beneath the "child" and wanted to give it a go. I didnt want to walk away from my marriage without knowing that I had tried absolutely everything to make it work for me. And for him. I could not have continued the way things were before. But the key is DH more than met me half way. He grew up a LOT. He's now 100% an equal partner.
Having seen both (proper partner vs man child) in the same person, first of all I know it's possible for some of them to change, and second of all I know I would rather have NO relationship than one like my old one (like yours in fact OP if I can be blunt enough to say so).
Good luck and (((((hugs))))
Firesidechat: sorry I've got previous, please don't feel undermined by my "snipey" generalisation. You sound very supportive.
He's sulking with you even though he is in the wrong.
He doesn't seem to have apologised but still nagged at you to contact his sister ( I presume he wanted you to say sorry to her)
You say he is this way because of his childhood but what is it teaching your son?
If you have PND you would still " find it bloody exhausting and relentless too", new parent hood is, even more so when you have no support, help or empathy from your partner.
If hinting guests out doesn't shift them, then going out is perfectly reasonable. There is absolutely NO rudeness involved, except from those who drove you to it by ignoring your needs (P top of the list)!
As for the perfectly disgusting smuggery on this thread about the OP's housekeeping: running down cupboard stocks is a perfectly admirable
and impossible for me thing to do before a move. Having all these mythical stocks in store, which posters are misguidedly bragging about, would be irresponsible and wasteful!
Good luck with your strategic retreat! Taking the food is an act of genius, BTW!
Crumbledwalnuts It's ok, I wasn't at all offended by what you said. I thought it was quite funny and I don't take my official mil status at all seriously. I think I've agreed with everything you've written on this thread too.
I've sometimes resorted to removing my contact lenses as a subtle hint to visitors that out stay their welcome. Even this hasn't always worked with a few of the more socially challenged of them.
" I know it's because of his childhood and I give him a lot of allowances for that, but it gets to a point where you ask yourself 'what's in this relationship for me?' And right now it's not much - the rent gets paid, that's probably it."
Oddest. Thread. Ever. Like being stampeded by a nest of hornets, all with Martha Stewart's face.
Love the removing contact lenses as a hint
I came home after dinner and we both just started chatting like normal. Ds was in such a lovely mood, we couldn't keep up the argument (although I don't think we both wanted to).
I am going to see how things go after the move when we're all settled in. Also we've just started counselling so my dsis did say when you first start its like popping a big boil - all the crap comes out first and takes a while to heal. I think this has affected us too.
This thread did cheer me up though, some of you are wonderful
I know Murder I don't know if my hormones are clouding my judgement and make me very negative though? It's all very confusing right now. I swing from being very happy and getting on well to this sort of thing.
Think you need space more than anything. Are you doing couples counselling?
Dfanjo I feel for you. When I had my first baby more than 10 years ago, c-section, unable to breast feed, baby blues the works, in-laws were invited round, turned up 2 hours late and then sat on the sofa till gone 6pm, so I said I am really tired now and need to sort dinner out so can we call it a day and I'll see you all really soon, we can go out with baby etc.
They silently filed out and never spoke to me again from that day to this. Their loss.
I'm glad things are better tonight OP. I don't want to put a downer on things, but I think you should start getting a contigency plan together just in case...
Please stop tying yourself in knots trying to please him. If the baby is crying at 6am, at the very least he should be the one going downstairs if he can't deal with it. Stop pandering to him. If he's selfish, you be selfish too - put you and baby first. I was in a similar relationship. Ironically it was when I fell out of love, stopped being a doormat and turned into a zero tolerance bitch with one foot out of the door that he suddenly starting trying to make things work. You clearly can't rely on him to put you both first, so make sure YOU do. Leave him to organise his own stuff.
I know this was never about not having food in, sorry for mentioning it, but just having some basic tinned stuff in the cupboard could have avoided that urgent situation, and you could have called him a selfish prick when they'd left! I hope things work out.
Although actually maybe a lucky escape from a life with such fuckwits.. So
What I don't get is why you just didn't pop to the shop, get some fresh pasta and some stuff to make a sauce, cook it, serve it, and complain loudly and longly to your captive audience that your DH was supposed to do this but turned out incompetent again ...
Deal or no deal I wouldn't let anyone go unfed.
Because she's not a martyr? Because she hasn't got a mission to feed people who don't want to be fed?
The "guests" didn't want to eat wuldric
And OP's DP had said he would sort food anyway, so if there was any pushing dinner to be done he should have done it really.
It's too hard with a baby, when you're hormonal and tired. Ppl sitting about at dinner time / kids bath/bed time. Piss off!
If that was my DH's sister she would have brought something and made it for all of us. Or DH would've cooked
and left a mess. Gotta have something to complain about
Anyway. We're all different but OP, YWNBU.
Because I was so fucking tired and worn out that I didnt want to cook something from scratch (when P had prokosed to) that would take ages - ds had become very grumpy and clingy to me and screamed when handed to anyone else
So I thought the best thing to do was to was to go with him and get cooked for. Comprende?
X post (side effect of writing a bloody monologue)
Thanks Emily and LordCopper
Hope you're ok.
Glad things were better and it looks like you may have a potential ally in your SIL. Hope it continues!
Yes, we've always got in really well, hence why I was very surprised at P saying how upset she was. I knew he was over egging it as she understands me (we're quite alike).
Feeling much better today as I've been looking after myself more like PomBear said. I'm going to be more selfish now (and obv look after my ds) but I'm a better mum when I'm fully fed and rested so that's my priority.
I told P that he has himself covered and always looks after himself, so I don't need to too!
Me and sil are off shopping today, glad the suns out
I just read the 10 whole pages like
Got to page 3 and was like "still with the 'why didn't you just cook something' shit?!"
Little did I know that some odd bods would still be harping on about it on page 10.
I hope your days keep getting better. If you manage to get to the shops (or your OH finally goes) try an get some supplies so you can have a few days relaxing without worrying about food.
You sound exhausted and like you need a good rest.
God, is leaving the house and getting you and a child fed a fucking crime?
You learn something
stupid surrendered wifeish new every day on MN.
And still the snipers come along for a pop. This is an extraordinary thread.
YABU OP and I'm glad to see things are looking brighter today.
Aargh! YWNBU OP. After my little speech I now look like an arse.
Everyone knows what you meant.
I think someone pointed out, like aeons ago, on page 2 or something, that there were four adults in the kitchen. So the only possible reason OP should have had to feed them is that she's the one with a vagina. Misogyny, pure and simple. (which doesn't go particularly well with 'fresh pasta' IMO)
Wuldric, your post actually made me slap myself on the forehead!
Maybe Wuldric is the OP's MIL....
What I don't get is why you just didn't pop to the shop, get some fresh pasta and some stuff to make a sauce, cook it, serve it
Er, cause she doesn't fucking have to!
Coming in very late here I know but just wanted to add to the YANBU!
Haven't been on Mnet that long but sometimes it's like looking into another universe just the maddest stuff it would never occur to me to say (what's the food got to do with it?!)
If I was in your shoes and asked my RL friends about this they'd ALL say "fuck that how dare he/they be pissed off at you?!"
The issue of how I went about feeding myself would not come up!
Anyway - hope you do manage to make things work I hate the silent treatment attitude especially when he's in the wrong but it sounds like you're pretty clued up enough to know what you can and can't tolerate x
If anyone's still reading, would it be unreasonable to not want Ps mum to come to my new place? I really rather we just go to hers, that way we are in control of when we arrive and leave. Plus I just don't want her in my private space.
She burst into my bedroom while I was feeding ds and trying to get him to so she could nose at the room and I don't like this sort of 'overstepping void ride' behaviour. (She has mh issues)
Yes, of course. You might initially want to be proactive about calling and asking to go over to her for a visit, it will make you look better than if you fob her off about coming to yours.
Plus she will probably be flattered that you want to come round and see her, and your OH should be pleased about that too. No-one needs to know it's that you don't want her in your house!
Or if you don't get on that well, just make excuses. My ex MIL thought I had a constant migraine for five years...
What would your 'd'p make of it?
If she can't respect you, you don't have to have her in your home. It's that simple.
He has such a weird relationship it's hard to tell. She was very abusive and neglectful due to her illness when he was little but now she is the opposite so I think he has a guilt issue.
He knows I'm not comfortable with her coming around. Maybe if we made more effort to go there so she can see ds it wouldn't be as obvious, like you said Silver
Is that a bit mean?
What mh issues?
Burst in to the room?
Not enough info fo me personally to call if YABU tbh.
This thread has come up with some of the most boss rejoinders ever. Sheshelob at 31/7/13 08:51 had me crying, OP's retort to Fakebook's Emergency Visitor Feeding Protocol was killer and I think Fairy and High Horse Pie needs to be reported to MN Classics.
<Applauds OP and the sane majority>
Fairy and High Horse Stew, rather
Fairy and high horse stew was amazing
Emily I don't know, maybe it is. But to be honest if p won't tell her it's time to leave then ill dread her 6 hour visits! She doesn't have any normal social cues.
She has paranoid schizophrenia.
Yes, I closed the door to put ds to sleep and she burst in 5 mins after without knocking and I didnt really want her in my bedroom tbh.
Well it sounds very difficult for you.
And for your DP too.
You must do what you feel is best for your DS. But i would have thought it best if you and DP can work together.
How you handle this will depend on a few different factors, including how well controlled her PS is. She may well have some "socially awkward" traits but if her illness is well managed there is not neccessarily a safety issue.
Maybe a MH professional such as a CPN could help with some problem solving??
You're right. For me it's not really a safety issue as my ds is always with me. It's more that I feel uncomfortable around her as she stares with a very straight face, plus she doesn't leave until hours later, by which time I'm knackered. Also I just don't like her for what she did to P as a baby/child.
Next time I think ill just go upstairs with ds when it hits 7pm.
No OP, YANBU to visit rather than be visited, not at all <voice of experience >
If she has a mental illness that means she doesn't respect normal social cues then you and your partner have to be more forceful with her about what you agree is acceptable behaviour if she visits eg she can visit but only for 2 hours then gets told she has to go so you can do x and that your husband will show her to the door. Seething because she doesn't recognise social cues is pointless. Your house, if people don't leave when expected you show them the door.
I agree visiting may be better as then you can just walk out. Her schizophrenia doesn't explain why your SIL didn't take her mother home and realise it was dinner time. Many schizophrenics do recognise social cues although often empathy can be a problem as they are so wrapped up in their own heads and their view of the world, although I presume she's not floridly psychotic at the moment.
If you don't want someone in your bedroom you ask them to leave. You need to become more quietly assertive as well if this relationship is to last and be firmer about your boundaries and what you regard as acceptable behaviour.
What 2rebecca said.
And YANBU to feel the way you do btw.
Thanks for replies. Good food for thought!
You're not being U at all if it's not something you're comfortable with and that's the end of that!
Of course yanbu . And I think you should spend some time at your mums for tlc because you obviously don't get it at home
OP it's hard to be assertive with MIL's isn't it? I never have any trouble telling most people how I really feel except her! And in your case you have MH issues/social cue blindness to contend with. I'd echo other posters about putting yourself and your DS first in as least passive aggressive and more proactive way as possible. If you don't want her in your room when you go up to it say 'DS shouldn't be disturbed for the next blah because xyz so I'll see you blah'
"She burst into my bedroom while I was feeding ds and trying to get him to so she could nose at the room and I don't like this sort of 'overstepping void ride' behaviour. "
Yes I've had this. In through the door, not even taking the coat off, bursting in, disrupting things when you need to be all straight with the baby and get settled in preparation for an afternoon of visitors.
No, it's not unreasonable not to want her round. And if she does come, to disappear upstairs or go out.
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