to want to strangle my 11 year old dd

(110 Posts)
BellaTalbert Tue 30-Jul-13 19:50:30

Need to vent as would happily like to strangle my dd as she is currently screaming and crying in the kitchen as well as trying to make herself vomit.

My dd has just had a friend around for dinner and after her friend left I asked her to help me with the washing up. My dd then totally lost it screaming that she has "bloody children's rights" and that its slave labor.

I am apparently a child abuser and the worst mother in the world. I warned her that if she continued to shout etc then she would lose her phone which now as she has lost.

My mother would have killed me if I every spoke to her like this at this age. Where did I go wrong???

Scrubber Tue 30-Jul-13 20:05:56

Kids these days! I blame the parents! grin

foslady Tue 30-Jul-13 20:08:20

Suggest she goes to her room - NOW. And as children have rights, so do adults. No breakfast cooked, tell her no clothes washed, ironed, etc, phone contract will be cancelled/not credited.......and suggest that maybe a few pots being washed is a cheap option. Sometimes you have to let rip. OK, she's disappointed about the sleepover, but basic respect is a non negotiable for me

foslady Tue 30-Jul-13 20:09:01

And here wine you deserve the bottle!

Euphemia Tue 30-Jul-13 20:10:00

DD (11) came home from holiday club today and I told her she needed to tidy her room, else there would be no shopping trip with her friend tomorrow.

Cue 45 minutes of tidying and sobbing, tidying and sobbing! At least the bloody room got tidied! grin

Not an easy age!

Buzzardbird Tue 30-Jul-13 20:11:35

What sleepover?

BlackeyedSusan Tue 30-Jul-13 20:15:09

i think you may haave gone wrong by allowing her to live to 11 already. those pesky hormones will make an appearance.

sounds like you arre doing ok with consequences. if you are going to be an evil mother, you may as welll be a really evil mother.

look on the bright side. you will be though the worst and coming to post advice when dd is doing the same. grin

foslady Tue 30-Jul-13 20:15:59

Sorry - I'd crossed this with another OP - it's been a long day.......[goes off in search of wine emocon!]

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 30-Jul-13 20:16:57

I wonder if it's Official 11 Year Old DD Kicking Off Day? Mine did the same thing today when I asked her to wear shorts to the park rather than a skirt for practical reasons. Apparently her One Direction t-shirt looks weird with her shorts because it's too long. It's the same length as many of her other tops (which I pointed out) and it looks worse tucked into a brown, cord skirt (which I also pointed out) but what do I know?

In the end (after shouting and arguing with me) she changed into her shorts and changed her top too and had calmed down within 5 minutes. I think we're getting a taste of what's to come...

shoofly Tue 30-Jul-13 20:17:37

wine - for you, then send her to her room to calm down and stack the dishes for when she does calm down

MrsSippy Tue 30-Jul-13 20:18:32

Does she normally help with the chores? If not, get a job rota stuck on the fridge door to get her into the habit of helping out.

daisychicken Tue 30-Jul-13 20:22:14

My DS - also 11 - is exactly the same... and I've had it today as well (in fact every day for a few weeks now) - its horrible and I'm reaching a point of not knowing how to deal with it...(!)

valiumredhead Tue 30-Jul-13 20:23:54

We had the same last night, the drama!!hmm

Ignore ignore ignore!

daisychicken Tue 30-Jul-13 20:23:58

MrsSippy - we have chores in our house and is expected of both DS's - makes no differnce with the 11yr old, he just doesn't care and I'm the only mum who expects chores to be done etc etc...... drives me insane......

Euphemia Tue 30-Jul-13 20:40:25

DD's like that, daisy.

"No-one else's mum expects them to empty and stack the dishwasher, tidy their room, feed the hamster, etc., etc!"

"And they've all got Samsung Galaxys or iPhone 5's." hmm

We need an emoticon like the old Yahoo Chat one - a face like hmm with a hand alongside it making the "Blah blah blah" movements! grin

marriedinwhiteisback Tue 30-Jul-13 20:53:29

Mine are older but I seem to remember putting the childline number on the fridge once and then they switched the innocent magnets to spell F.U.C.K. And blamed their dad.

Don't you just love being a parent smile

Midlifecrisisarefun Tue 30-Jul-13 21:22:33

Mine is 25 and doesn't even live at home and I could quite happily maim or murder....<gives up emoticon> He is the cause of my grey hairs... It doesn't always get better!! [not helpful emoticon]
grin

AgentZigzag Tue 30-Jul-13 21:26:03

Hahahaha my mum would have killed me too if I spoke to her like that, didn't stop me grin

Sorry to laugh at your misfortune grin

Mine's 12 <manic laughter> <slugs gin>

daisychicken Tue 30-Jul-13 21:30:12

sad don't say that Midlife!!!!!!

If it wasn't for the fact that DS1 shares a room with DS2 then I'd perhaps step back from bedroom tidying (only wash clothes in basket, no sleepovers unless room tidy etc) but I feel it's wrong for DS2 (8yr) to have to deal with DS1's mess... If there was anyway to magic in another bedroom I'd do it!!

OP - my DS's have to help unload/load dishwasher and wash up if I ask so your DD isn't completely alone in the world of child slavery!! wink grin

Euphemia Tue 30-Jul-13 21:30:14

She's so sweet too though.

She and her pal have been planning a trip on the bus to the next town tomorrow - first time ever on her own for DD. She's been excitedly planning, looking at bus timetables, etc.

PAL's just bailed as she's "been in town with her dad all afternoon". sad

DD's in tears. sad Poor lamb. sad

MillyMoo1113 Tue 30-Jul-13 21:36:16

It must be the day for it.

DF wanted me to help him look for curtains this afternoon, so I informed DS 11 that we were going with him. He screamed and cried half way to the bloody shop as he didnt want to go.

The wine was opened very soon after tea......

marriedinwhiteisback Tue 30-Jul-13 22:15:15

Oh I feel for her Euphemia. Bet it was friend's parents who chickened though. Can you do something let her do something grown up? Go on, let her have her ears pierced smile

PareyMortas Tue 30-Jul-13 22:21:13

My 11 year old dd has been beautifully behaved, even made me a cup of tea unprompted grin

Runs away cackling

dementedma Tue 30-Jul-13 22:21:24

Have survived two horrible dds at the dreaded 11_14 stage. Watches 11 year old Ds with interest to see what happens. So far, we have had a bit of door slamming and resistance to bed time but otherwise calm.

mumofthemonsters808 Tue 30-Jul-13 22:28:09

Something is in the air because my DD who is 11 in August is behaving like a spoilt brat. Every time I ask her to do something ( i.e. clothes in the laundry basket after a shower, instead of the unpaid maid picking them up) it is followed by lots of allegations that I hate her so much, I am always nasty to her, never speak nicely to her,I am not like anyone else's Mum. I've come to the conclusion, it is an avoidance technique that distracts me from the job I want doing and draws me into a confrontation. Glad to hear it is not just us.

How weird! Work colleague's 11 year old DD called her at work today ' Can my mate's mum's friend pierce my ears round her house?' 'No.' Cue a hilarious video this evening of said DD wailing her head off!

bongobaby Tue 30-Jul-13 22:53:05

My Ten year old Dc is so bloody stroppy lately. Called up child line the other day because the internet was cut off ( late paying the bill) apparently its child neglect because wasn't able to play club penguin, dc said. good job they were still connecting the call when I found out why dc was on the phone.
Bloody hell wtf vibe are these kids on nowadays! Go and count the grass!!

Mimishimi Tue 30-Jul-13 23:19:36

DD (12) is the same and has been pretty much since she turned 11. From a bright happy child to a miserable eyerolling bad attitude teen for whom everything is too much effort. Karma's a bitch... Mum, I'm so sorry! wink blush

Euphemia Tue 30-Jul-13 23:20:46

Turns out it was the mum who pulled the plug on the shopping trip. I'm taking DD out tomorrow instead, poor thing. smile

No ear piercing! angry

OhTheConfusion Tue 30-Jul-13 23:23:59

Shit, DS turns 11 this week {HELP!!!!}.

Secretswitch Tue 30-Jul-13 23:28:24

My 14 yr old is still angry we don't have staff. She has made statements before about "children's rights" I explained her rights are food, clothing and shelter. It does not have to be tasty food, it does not have to be name brand clothing, and it does not have to be in 3 bathroom house..
I try to make allowances for hormones and bad hair days..the dishes will wait..

AudrinaAdare Tue 30-Jul-13 23:28:35

My DD is thirteen and I am aware that she may well "turn" overnight but I don't get this Childline / abuse / neglect / slave labour accusation stuff. I can't imagine her not realising how well-off she is to be in a loving family. We don't have much materially (compared to the friend she visited today in the 500K house) but we are always warm and fed well and she is clothed comparatively to her peers because it's more important for her to dress a certain way.

The pre-teen who lived next door to us five years ago was taken and he was looked after well enough and very much loved by his older single father. DD's former twin best friends were split up and fostered 100 miles away, five siblings in all. She knows full well how much worse the outcomes for children in care are and has had experience of it amongst her peers. She would never joke about something like that.

She pulls her weight around the house and within the family especially given that her brother is autistic. She rebels a bit r.e the tidiness of her room and tbh I let it go as long as there are no hygiene issues, but the most she has done after a nagging is an surreptitious eye-roll (which I secretly laugh at)

I've properly cursed it now haven't I? She'll be slamming doors and swearing at me tomorrow sad

MCos Wed 31-Jul-13 00:01:35

DD1 is 11 also. That type of drama sounds oh so familiar.
I send DD1 off into another room to calm herself down.
Usually that sorts the problem

I do wonder how long that will work for.
Just yesterday, she refused to go to her bedroom, so I just insisted ANY other room.. Which worked, we were both calmer after 30 mins apart.

AudrinaAdare Wed 31-Jul-13 00:06:13

<lurks for tips when DD gets bored of eye-rolling>

FreudiansSlipper Wed 31-Jul-13 00:12:27

ds (5) told me through his tears that i had hurt his feelings

all because i would not let him go out in the garden at 9 tonight

followed by i do not love you i love my daddy blah blah blah

few minutes later he is cuddling me grin

AudrinaAdare Wed 31-Jul-13 00:22:53

You are a terrible parent FS! grin

My DS told me after a horrific meltdown that it was my fault for making him sad when I shrieked at him for trying to leap out of the window onto a main road. Apparently I should have known that he was trying to emulate the sibling of a child in his class who was trying to raise money for her sister by doing a parachute jump. He just wanted to jump to earth from a moving car and I should have known that and understood hmm

colettemum3 Wed 31-Jul-13 00:46:49

After the way my 14 yr dd has been behaving today. I so needed a post like this one. She threw a massive strop as my husband finally lost it and shouted at her. He asked her repeatedly to clean the side in the kitchen. She goes and makes a cake (making even more mess) and goes and eat some.
I tried to have a word and she ends up losing her temper at me and screams at me. Cues my husband coming in to the room and shouts at her more.

She was still in a strop when it came to getting ready for karate. She did her getting ready at a snail pace, then pretending to be asleep in the car. Then point blank refuse to putting her shoes on. Then the i'm not doing it, im not getting out the car routine. (She thinks that she doesn't need to go anymore as she thinks she know enough to protect herself)

So it ended up with me getting out the car, opening her door and saying loudly 'get out the car' . She pulled the tears routine in the toilets saying she can't do it as she been crying. Told her to wash her face and i just walked to the car to calm down. Went in at the end and she was doing it. Apparently she joined in slightly later and she was back to herself which i knew she would be as karate calms her down (although she never admit it).

My husband thinks part of her behaviour is down to a friend of hers as she is always stroppy when after she's been at her friends house or is at her friend house and doesn't want to leave.
She's just came back yesterday after being away with said friend and family for a few days.

I honestly wished my daughter would make other friends as i have never like this particular child after what she did to my daughter a few years ago and the subtle snideness from this girl still continue to this day.

AudrinaAdare Wed 31-Jul-13 00:59:04

colettemum <hug> poor you, and poor DD. It's cold comfort I know, but perhaps she is behaving this way because she feels safe to let it out knowing that you and your husband love her unconditionally. It's a horrible and helpless stage of parenting, this.

AudrinaAdare Wed 31-Jul-13 00:59:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 09:09:16

Audrina-they get whole lessons at school about who to ring if you are neglected, they are given a card with child line's number on it etc. in their dramatic little teenage brains they really do think they are being neglected if told offhmm

Ds honestly thought he was classed as a 'young carer' and filled out a form at school staying he was as he had to do jobs round the house for me.

Oh, and he has child line on speed dial on his phoneshock

NEVER underestimate the dramatic teenage brainhmm wink

ZingWidge Wed 31-Jul-13 09:27:29

I just read the title.
not read thread or even OP

but I'm fairly sure YANBU.

grin

bigbuttons Wed 31-Jul-13 09:36:17

I've had some crackers from my 11 year old this week.
I am a single parent, working, knackered. Last week I was tearing round the house trying to wrestle it into a fit state for my dad who was coming to visit. I worked non-stop for 1 and a half days. On the second day I pointed out to dd that I was exhausted and resentful doing all the housework on my own.
"If you've been working so hard then why is the house still a mess"? came the reply from dd who had not lifted one lazy frigging finger to help and had in fact crated more and more mess as i was tidying and washing round her.
I was nearly speechless with rage.
I did manage to swear ALOT though.

This week I asked her to do tidy the kitchen.
"Why'? came the reply" I didn't make the mess" I then pointed out to her that I was constantly clearing up mess that I didn't make and she should go and tidy the frigging kitchen up NOW.
She did.
She is horribly lazy and entitled, always has been. My nearly 10 year old dd though has always been very kind and helpful

Groovee Wed 31-Jul-13 09:38:41

Must be the week for it. Apparently I am an abuser because dd was asked to place her dishes in the kitchen. My friends kids and my ds put all their lunch dishes in the kitchen no problem. It's just the 13 year old. Anything to cause a tantrum in her just now.

ArrowofApollo Wed 31-Jul-13 09:39:16

You know sometimes I think Miss Trunchball had the right idea - "Small people should not veen seen by anybody. They should be kept out of sight in boxes like hairpins and buttons".

grin

youarewinning Wed 31-Jul-13 09:44:10

Are all these 11yo emotional bombs leaving Primary/juniors and going to Secondary in September?

It bet it has more to do with that and hormones than any of you actually being in contention for worst parent of the year award which is mine anyway! grin

AudrinaAdare Wed 31-Jul-13 09:44:15

You're absolutely right, valium. Dramatic teenage brain has been the cause of many shock moments. Ha ha at filling in a young carer form, that's brilliant!

daisychicken Wed 31-Jul-13 09:54:58

I think I like that Arrow!!

So far ds1 is calm, behaving and has apparently tidied his half of the bedroom.... I just wish I could get through to them that if they put things away after using them, that if they put clothes straight to wash/away etc egg.. then they wouldn't need to have such massive tidy ups!!

daisychicken Wed 31-Jul-13 09:56:04

You are probably right Youare - the swop of the big fish in a small pond to a tiny fish in a big pond....

freddiefrog Wed 31-Jul-13 10:06:08

I have an 11 year old that I'd quite like to strangle as well.

Stroppy, entitled and lazy.

She's also incredibly like me, stubborn, sarcastic with an utter to back down in an argument - what fun we're having this week. How I haven't buried her under the patio I don't know

colettemum3 Wed 31-Jul-13 10:45:19

Oh when she had calmed down after karate, we were telling her instructor that she's was an extra in a new tv show that's about to air. So then she said she couldn't believe she got a grade 7 for drama. (Neither could we) and tried the can i join a drama class again. I just ignored the question.

She's doing enough as it is and is starting her GCSE's in September so needs some time to study.

Euphemia Wed 31-Jul-13 10:51:39

We're in Scotland so DD doesn't go up to high school until next year. She's developing what we teachers call "P7-itis" already. hmm

I pity her new teacher, who's an NQT. P7 for your first year of teaching is not easy!

I also have an 11yr old DD.
Yesterday I told her if she was so determined to sit on her arse and not help, that's exactly what she could do, but there'd be no phone, no friends over, no sleepovers and no camping trip at the weekend.

She soon decided to help me--and I had a few beers--

colettemum3 Wed 31-Jul-13 11:09:53

Humm she's back. Had to repeatedly shout to get her up as it's 11am and she said it was summer holidays and she's not doing anything. Errr yes you are. You still got chores, studying and martial arts.

Just gave her a bed time.

daisychicken Wed 31-Jul-13 11:43:30

Im shocked it works Netto - ds just whinges and moans but seemingly doesn't care when I take phones, screen time, playing out etc away.. He whinges yes, but when I remind him of why he lost X.. he shrugs his shoulders and walk off hmm

freddiefrog Wed 31-Jul-13 11:46:05

My DD doesn't care when I confiscate stuff either.

The only thing that seems to bother her is grounding her, but then I get so fed up with her under my feet stropping and whingeing that it feels more like a punishment for me than her

ImperialBlether Wed 31-Jul-13 12:16:36

Valium, I'm laughing so much at:

Ds honestly thought he was classed as a 'young carer' and filled out a form at school staying he was as he had to do jobs round the house for me.

Oh, and he has child line on speed dial on his phone

shotofexpresso Wed 31-Jul-13 12:24:31

I would struggle not to laugh actually, perhaps make her see how ridiculous she is being?

ItsDecisionTime Wed 31-Jul-13 12:29:21

My friend's daughter has always been like this, since she could walk and talk. She's now 10 and her mother has now resorted to seeking professional help as she cannot take the abuse and tantrums any longer. Her mum thought it must be something she couldn't control but she doesn't act the same way at school which proves she only does it when there are no consequences. Good luck.

Beastofburden Wed 31-Jul-13 12:32:02

Laughing my head off at the young carers form. I blame all these PHSE lessons at school.

They are weird hybrids at this age, like gryphons: half adult, half toddler. They feel they must have the last word, even if it is walking away looking cool when they are angry inside.

I can only suggest two things:

Change your wifi password everyday and do not hand it out until it is earned by good behaviour of whatever kind you are encouraging.

If DD wants a dinner party, do not do the cooking and shopping for her in return for her clearing away. By the time the party is over, she has nothing to lose. No, she does the shopping and (supervised) cooking and tidying and laying the table. if she doesnt, her party is a failure. you wash up afterwards as your sole contribution.

Groovee Wed 31-Jul-13 13:25:09

Dd hates having something removed. It causes another tantrum. But ds is almost 11 and is starting on some mood swings.

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 13:35:47

Yeah these phse lessons have a lot to answer forhmm

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy Wed 31-Jul-13 16:22:40

My 14 year old offered to mind dc3 and dc4 this afternoon whilst I lay down (had awful period cramps). I got up to find she had given them lunch and was doing colouring in with them.

I'm being buttered up,this is not my usual stroppy drama queen. I'm guessing either a concert or a new phone. But I'm going to milk it while I can.

CoolStoryBro Wed 31-Jul-13 16:30:02

I blame it on Proms for Primary school kids!!!

grin

Wuldric Wed 31-Jul-13 16:37:10

I've properly cursed it now haven't I? She'll be slamming doors and swearing at me tomorrow

You mean there are people out there whose daughters don't slam doors and swear at them? Where?

tedmundo Wed 31-Jul-13 16:46:26

These stories are funny and terrifying in equal measures.

I would love, love, love to know what the childline advice would be to the DCs phoning to report you all for making them do chores!

How very dare you? grin

<sets the countdown clock for when ds1 turns 11>

Wuldric Wed 31-Jul-13 16:54:38

The reason that a simple request to chip-in results in eye-rolling, door-slamming, swearing and calls to child-line is that the children in question have been waited upon hand and foot. Then all of a sudden they get a request (an unnatural request) to pull their weight. Well, not their weight exactly, more the weight of a chihuahua, and they object.

Train em early folks. We molly coddle them to ridiculous extents. Get them setting the table, tidying their rooms, washing up, pulling up weeds, hanging clothes out, cooking. Start young. 3 is not too early.

<voice of experience>

Sadly I cooked for my children for far far too long. I am seriously worried that DD will go to university incapable of boiling an egg. Get weaving.

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 16:56:34

I had to have strong words with ds about how it was his decision to ring child line BUT that he would be tying up the line for some one who actually needed it. He then told me not to be silly as it wasn't just one line it's a call centre. Which leads me to believe he has actually called them at some point which I'm horrified at. I hope they bollocked him the little toe ragangry

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 16:57:53

Wuldric-but that's not true, ds has always, always had to chip in, it's just know he's complaining about it!

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 17:01:04

Ds has done all that from 3 including tidying toys and putting dirty clothes in wash basket from when he was 2!

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 17:03:04

Wrt cooking, he can knock up a bolognsise, lasagne, white /cheese sauce,a lemon drizzle cake, muffins. This is why he thinks he's a young carergrin

JCDenton Wed 31-Jul-13 17:05:46

^The reason that a simple request to chip-in results in eye-rolling, door-slamming, swearing and calls to child-line is that the children in question have been waited upon hand and foot. Then all of a sudden they get a request (an unnatural request) to pull their weight. Well, not their weight exactly, more the weight of a chihuahua, and they object.

Train em early folks. We molly coddle them to ridiculous extents. Get them setting the table, tidying their rooms, washing up, pulling up weeds, hanging clothes out, cooking. Start young. 3 is not too early

<voice of experience>

Sadly I cooked for my children for far far too long. I am seriously worried that DD will go to university incapable of boiling an egg. Get weaving.^

This was the case for me as a child/teen. I wouldn't have got a summer job on pain of death, only managed to get out of bed under my own steam when I got a job and only really learned how to organise myself without my mum doing it when I got to uni.

I cringe at my 11-17 year old self, I really do. And I'm probably going to get it back double in the future.

"Put the kettle on? Has she gone nuts? I'm trying to watch the Weakest Link, damn it!"

DD actually is a young carer, but she still is a lazy, stroppy arse at times.
Also, one of my closest friends works for Childline, so if DD ever says she's going to call them, I tell her to phone E instead!

This thread has made me feel so much better.

DS1 has always been so responsible and well behaved. But this summer he is almost 11 and has developed attitude.

He hates DS2 and everything, no matter what, is his fault.

Everything is "not fair", especially the fact that I insist he comes in at a reasonable time (8.00-8.30) and don't let him play out until it gets dark.

He has developed selective hearing when asked to do chores, despite having been doing them for years.

He goes into meltdown if the clothes he wants to wear aren't in his drawer, despite the fact that he wore them yesterday and I have only just pegged them out on the line to dry.

Today he went to a swimming lesson without his swimming shorts. He had left them on the back of the sofa when he was packing his bag. Which was initially my fault, then he decided it was DS2's. But it was me who had to fork out £10 for a new pair when he realised 5 mins before his lesson (thank goodness for the shop in the leisure centre).

I keep signing him up for sports sessions. He thinks it because he loves sport and I am indulging him by paying for his interests. But really it is because it buys me 2hrs of peace and quiet to do stuff with poor DS2 and DD!

zatyaballerina Wed 31-Jul-13 17:12:22

There's only a few more years and it gets much worse, it's hormonalgrin

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 31-Jul-13 17:14:16

"I've come to the conclusion, it is an avoidance technique that distracts me from the job I want doing and draws me into a confrontation. Glad to hear it is not just us"

That is EXACTLY what it is mumofthemonsters. My DSs will say the most outrageously unfair things to get a rise out of me. Not biting (much) grin

DD has just turned 13 and I have been telling her for a while she is living on borrowed time!!!!!

It gets harder before it gets easier (just what you wanted to hear).

Gin is what is prescribed for mothers of pre pubescent and teenage girls.

I have to share this here, we started the holidays with various meltdowns from DDs 10.5 and a week off 13. They were particularly furious that for every heated debate, I found a thread for them to read for us to discuss. We have covered trampoline rules, allowances and sibling bust ups...I love MN but they said, it's not fair, all those mums getting together to discuss us!! Ha ha ha grin keep the support coming..remember, we're stronger together!!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Wed 31-Jul-13 17:31:55

Ds2 17 went out last night half an hour before tea was being served, I asked when will you be in, he said when would you like me in.... oh about 3 weeks on thur was my honest response, got a snigger from his friends waiting for him.
<Think he is taking me at my word though as he did a sleepover last night and still is not home hmm >

Beastofburden Wed 31-Jul-13 17:34:13

When DS 1s student friends cook, they google a recipe on their phones and work it out as they go along. They don't see it as something they need to learn in advance. Perhaps this is because they are all lab- based scientists so it is just another experiment, more reliable than most.

On pulling weight, I found it easier once I was back at work and we could afford a cleaner to do the really tedious stuff. Then it became an issue of everyone having a day job- theirs being to take their education seriously- and all of us doing whatever needed doing to keep the ship afloat at weekends.

Children can be more sexist than alf garnet when it comes to saying that a SAHM ought to do all the housework, all the time, as that is her "job" .

Beastofburden Wed 31-Jul-13 17:40:05

The other thing I do remember helping is a discussion about how the teen years are an apprenticeship for adulthood, and the parents are supposed to let the DC practice everything they need for successful adult living, including decision making, planning and prioritisation. And that the point is for parents to let go as soon as the DC is ready. So someone who isn't ready even to tidy up the consequences of her party is not ready to have more independence on deciding what parties to hold.

StuntGirl Wed 31-Jul-13 17:45:31

I'm amazed at these posts. I never spoke to my mother like that (or my father! or anyone for that matter!) Teenage strops yes, teenage idiocy yes, but all this talk of abuse and neglect and childline shock

muddymarvellousdarling Wed 31-Jul-13 17:46:30

Sorry OP you made me laugh blush only because I know the feeling

My DD also 11 had a meltdown yesterday over threading a needle. It took a whole hour to calm her down.

I'm used to DD packing a bag and telling me i'm horrid and saying she's phoning childline because I say NO.

I think we will have another meltdown here soon as I've told her to tidy up her craft stuff.grin bangs head against wall.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Wed 31-Jul-13 17:46:52

You mean there are people out there whose daughters don't slam doors and swear at them? Where? don't underestimate the door slamming powers of a teenage boy grin

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 17:50:13

Stunt-we didn't have phse lessonswink

You can have some fun with them though.
I'm still laughing at the horror on DD's face when I picked up a pack of condoms in the supermarket.
(I'm single, very much happily so and DD knows it)

muddymarvellousdarling Wed 31-Jul-13 18:13:40

nettosuperstar grin

DD learnt about her rights in year 2, when her school did a "rights of a child around the world" day.

She loves nothing more than quoting her rights. When she starts PHSCE
in Sept. it will only get worse. grin

daisychicken Wed 31-Jul-13 18:30:07

Wuldric not true here either...

My two have always had to help in the house. We started with their own stuff, bedroom, clothes in hamper etc and then gradually built it up. They've had "chores" since they were 3/4 such as laying the table and were always expected to bring their plate to the kitchen, we gradually built up the chores and now they have a daily chore plus a couple of weekly, fortnightly and monthly chores each. DS1 will be getting an extra chore soon (since we pay for phone and other extra stuff that DS2 currently doesn't get). I want them both to leave home knowing how to look after themselves, how to cook and how to look after the basics of a home but also how to be part of a team - the family team.

All that said, DS1 still creates merry hell when asked to do his chores or any occasional extra jobs.........

5madthings Wed 31-Jul-13 18:46:49

agjhh my ds2 is just 11 and making me want to tear my hair out atthe moment.

they have all had to do jobs/help out from a young age but its now that he is a stroppy sod about or lies that he has done it when he hasnt.

ds1 (almost 14) can be grumpy/sullem but he does as he isasked and i dont get the amaeteur dramatics from him.

whats worse is ds3 is 8 and the door slamming and stomping up the stairs with cries of 'its not fair' have already started.

and i have five children...remind me again why i thought that was a good idea? they are so delightful as babies/toddlers young children and then it gets so mu h harder. i love them growing up and seeing them mature but god its hard work.

muddymarvellousdarling Wed 31-Jul-13 18:46:54

wuldric Not true.

DD has always kept her bedroom tidy and will wash up if asked. DD likes cleaning. She even puts her laundry in the basket. unlike DS2
She makes everyone drinks and helps with cooking dinner.

She went out this morning and posted a card for me and went via the little shop on the way back for rolls.

It's just the meltdowns over stupid things.

Mia4 Wed 31-Jul-13 19:47:16

Yikes, good luck OP. I remember my youngest sister at 12-not pretty. She was a nightmare and spoilt because of being the baby. She once screamed that she hated me when i was babysitting and refused to let her go out somewhere when mum and dad had grounded her (for being so horrible). I was upset but just shrugged and told her that was fine because actually much as i loved her I really disliked her because of the way she continued to act-being so brattish. I also told her I couldn't wait for her to get over herself and this phase so i could get back to liking her.

She went really quiet and looked as upset as her shittiness made me feel- came down from her room an hour later and asked me if she really was being that bad and when i was honest and said yes she burst into tears an said how sorry she was. Harsh, yes, but she's always come to me for honesty, advice and help telling me how much she appreciates it so can't be so bad.

GhostsInSnow Wed 31-Jul-13 19:50:02

Until you've had
"I"M CALLING CHILDLINE!!!!!"
you just haven't lived.

grin

daisychicken Wed 31-Jul-13 19:53:15

does the "I'm leaving home" count? I've had that since he was 3!!!! grin

AudrinaAdare Wed 31-Jul-13 20:24:42

I have just told DD to de-orange scrub her face ready for the best beauty / skin treatment known to womankind. Better results than the most expensive creams and cosmetic surgery, scientifically-proven and at my disposal!

I have given her the precious gift of an early night.

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 20:32:07

Arfgrin

dementedma Wed 31-Jul-13 20:55:04

Have read this out to 11 year old Ds. He said anxiously " I'm not like that am I mum?"
Not yet dear......not yet!

Twattybollocks Wed 31-Jul-13 21:38:47

Love this thread, and hate it. Because I have a 7yo daughter who has a terrible door slamming habit ( the wall around her door frame is cracked, and the one downstairs which is directly underneath it is also cracked!) she nearly had my bloody fingers off the other day doing it.
I don't know what she will be like as a teenager, but I know I'm not looking forward to it at all :0(

Whereisegg Wed 31-Jul-13 21:43:09

When mine turns 11 in a year, you can all tell me off for posting on a zombie thread...

Euphemia Wed 31-Jul-13 21:44:26

Don't worry Whereisegg, it starts when they're 10. grin

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Wed 31-Jul-13 21:51:12

I am constantly amazed at what the kids I teach class as 'child abuse'.

And yet the ones who are properly abused and knocked about by their parents think that is normal.

Beastofburden Wed 31-Jul-13 22:24:51

That's so sad, bunch

bigbuttons Wed 31-Jul-13 22:38:55

one of my children dialled 999 when he was about 4 because I wouldn't give him and ice cream!

I'm a counsellor at ChildLine. Generally if a kid calls ChildLine to complain about their parents (which doesn't happen that often at all, really, so a lot of the time they probably chicken out after they get through and either put the phone down or talk about something totally different) then we ask a load of questions to sort out the situation properly (it's usually pretty clear from the beginning if they're in the wrong) then we sort of try to go through it with them step by step about why perhaps mum might have said no, you can't ride your bike on the roof/eat four ice creams in one day/punch your sister etc. Sometimes they sort of start to get it, sometimes they hang up when they don't get the answer they want. grin

But our confidentiality policy anyway is that we don't pass any information on unless someone is in life-threatening danger, or if they tell us about an abuser who's in a position of power over children (like a teacher or a coach) or if they ask us to...and most kids aren't brazen enough to go through with asking us to contact the police or social services on their behalf over this sort of thing, so if they say they'll call ChildLine on you, hand em the phone! We're quite happy to listen to them be righteously indignant for a few minutes down the phone to us so you can take a few minutes breathing and trying not to kill them. smile

daisychicken Thu 01-Aug-13 09:21:30

I'm just waiting for the day Glitterandglue!! grin grin

GhostsInSnow Thu 01-Aug-13 09:57:57

I have a door slamming, home leaving teenage DD (though to her credit she hasn't left home since she was 5). The door slamming unfortunately happened as I was behind her with my foot on the threshold of her bedroom door..... One broken big toe and a very very sheepish DD later and she spent the next 4 weeks waiting on me. Yes, I may have over egged how long I needed to be immobile with her, but oddly she hasn't slammed a door since....

The leaving home. That day dear Mumsnet DH and I were left looking rather ridiculous.

She was 5. I can't recall why she was going, but she'd packed her best Blues Clues backpack and she was off. Smirking to DH I let her go, opened the door reasoning she'd walk to the end of the drive and stop. She got to the end - and carried on. It's ok because we can see a fair way down our street. She was marching along, determined little thing, and she kept bloody marching. As she disappeared around the corner some 50 yards down the road I told DH he'd best go get her.

Now, this was evening and all DH had on was his loungepants and T Shirt (stripy loungepants at that) so when he hopped in the car that was his attire. It wasn't until he pulled level with a still stubbornly marching DD that he realised he couldn't get out in his PJ's. He wound the window down and ordered her in the car. She ignored him. This carried on for another 50 yards or so with DH cruising along and DD refusing to get in the car. Finally she agreed but DH spent the rest of the night waiting for the Police to turn up to accuse him of kidnap.

Whereisegg Thu 01-Aug-13 17:26:51

Thanks for that Euphemia.
Really encouraging...

Euphemia Thu 01-Aug-13 18:01:35

grin

tittytittyhanghang Thu 01-Aug-13 18:51:56

You are all terrible mothers. Your children are just testing boundaries. What they need is someone to gently guide them to the right path of loveliness.

Thats all BS. YANBU. ds1 (13) can make me go from lentil weavy laid back mum to psycho bitch in 0.2 secs

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 20:22:43

I'm tempted to guide ds into next week at timeswink

I'll be sticking the Childline number up for my Dd then. She can complain to Glitterandglue about having to tidy her room.
She's 8.5 and Mrs Drama queen and a proficient procrastinator already. How I now will look forward to age 11, thank you all sad

daisychicken Fri 02-Aug-13 18:09:37

He's been horrible all day...

none of his friends were coming out to play, didn't have anything to read (when I said we've just been to the library, why didn't you get something.. he replied they have boring books.....), he was BORED(!) I offered a job and it was turned down(!) A friend then did come round and they snuck into the garage (not allowed due to dh's work tools) and have spilt (how??) white paint....

He's now throwing himself off his high-bed and apparently 'I won't take him to hospital if he breaks his leg...' He wasn't amused when I said I'd take him but make sure everyone knew how he did it and they'd laugh(!)

When will it get better????? or am I going to be the tee-total mum turning alcoholic??!

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