AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?(554 Posts)
Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out
I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best
FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?
why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place
but another time would not be best - so he needs to be truthful
"given that you are a snooping cow we have decided its probably best to say no"
or "DW says not on your nelly"
I would not like this idea one jot.
Why would she want to do that? do you live in an area where people go for holidays?
Even if you did, my answer would be an out and out NO!!! YADNBU!!!
She is definitely being cheeky!
charge her the going rate?
why do they want to stay at yours?
If they are having lots of work done on house I can understand them asking (but still a bit of a cheek when you're not there) but if it's just for a change of scenery then YANBU
YANBU, I love my in laws but no way would I let them move into my home for that long. My home is my sanctuary and I just know that MIL would rearrange everything and go poking about 'just to be helpful'.
Your DH really should have had the courtesy and consideration to discuss it with you first, even better, your MIL should have approached you both with the request.
YANBU don't they have their own house?
'no' is perfectly allowable!
Just say no, its weird unless you live somewhere touristy and by a beach..
It'll be hard otherwise, for dh ti say no can you lock doors and drawers to stop her being a nosey nelly.
It depends why she wants/needs to stay there.
"I'm sorry but I have discussed this with DH and it doesnt work for us"
repeat to fade
Oh my word YANBU!!!!
This would be my idea of hell and totally spoil my holiday.
You have to decide what would be worse - offending them a little by being honest enough to say you're not comfortable with them staying whilst you are away, OR the thought that whilst your on holiday they are in your home.
Your DH is going to have to sort this out - they are his parents and he spoke without asking you. I bet he is popular at the moment!!!!
Good luck OP.
thank you all so much, I've been in a right tizzwazzzzz about this
we dont live in a tourist area, or an attractive holiday hotspot, they're just chancing it, and hoping to ask him as he's a soft spot really
i've told him if it goes ahead he can take the DCs abroad without me...that's how furious I am
MIL very sneaky if that makes sense, and I think she should have asked ME if it was suitable. She'll be rummaging through my documents/using our spa bath/most likely using my beauty products etc etc SHE IS VERY SLY
DH & I happily married for 10yrs btw and this is really our 3rd major argument. Due to leave for the holiday tomorrow...thanks everyone I thought i was overreacting on this one
Why didn't he ask you? My DH used to do this kind of thing, and from the vantage point of my great years ; ), I can advise you Do Not Put Up With It!
I would be tempted to change the locks!!!
How would you feel if your husband flatly refused to allow YOUR mother to stay in your house while you were away on holiday?
And why on earth wouldn't you let family stay? Do you have a BDSM dungeon/vast array of sex toys/filthy kitchen? Have you sublet your attic to illegal immigrants?
it's just a privacy/boundary issue as well as an etiquette thing
if I wanted a housesitter I would have arranged one.
It's very strange in that case.
I agree that they can't use your utilities for a three week break,. Be firm and tell them no fuckin chance!
Ignore the whining!!
We've been to my PILs loads of times when they've not been there for a holiday - I wouldn't have a problem with returning the favour. Perhaps you can lock up "private" things in one room or something if you're really worried?
how did you find out?
I'm wondering was this meant to be their little secret - dh thinking what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you, and MIL gloating as she'd got one up on you and reckons she's first in her sons estimation, above you
have mentioned it to my DM who was flabbergasted at MIL audacity and would not have felt comfortable having her MIL in her home whilst abroad
Lapsed Would you want someone staying in your house that you KNOW will go through you private things, your paperwork and use your cosmetics? I dont let my own mother spend time here on her own as she is just like that.
Well, if she's a snoop then that is one thing, but otherwise what on earth is the problem with this? I would like to have someone I knew staying in my house if I were away for three weeks. It is much more secure!
Has she been told No yet Lineup?
I wouldnt ring up and ask to stay at an inlaw's house while they were away.
who DOES that?
Do they live far away? What are their reasons for wanting to stay??
He used to agree to MIL coming without asking me, even when he was away on business once. He allowed college friend to stay with us in Hawaii when I was eight months pregnant. I told him to call and cancel but he would not. I toughened up after years and years, but I wouldn't put it past him to still agree to things without asking me. Please be tougher than I was.
What reason has mil given for wanting to stay?
Is she offering to house sit then?
Any way you could doule lock or change the locks?
neighbours offer security while we're away.
she's just very gossipy and always full of riddles, and judgements. even though we live 300 miles away.
plus - wondering why she never wants to visit when DCs are around! Only if we're away!
So she's basically said "You're going on holiday...can we use your house, your utilities, your stuff while you are out?"
Admit it. You are my SIL aren't you? Because my PILs do that.
Seriously, why do they want to stay in your house?
if he hasnt phoned them at work or later today I will ring them before we leave tomorrow and say unfortunately it won't be suitable...& repeat
DH probably said 'yes' without really thinking and hasn't dare tell you before now.
Can your mother come and stay to keep an eye on them?
We have locks on our bedroom doors, which we use when we go away. Run out and get some to install now and put all your cosmetics
towels sex toys etc in the locked room.
It seems a bit weird to me to refuse this. For one it is much safer to have someone living in your house when you are away. I have arranged to have decorating done and a carpet laid while i am away. I trust the decorator not to snoop. What secrets do you have that your IL would find?
In our family we always have people to stay in our homes whilst we are away...it means the cat gets fed and the plants watered, burglars deterred etc. plus it's a cheap break for the sitters. We all do it and 'book' way in advance to get it sorted, exchange keys etc. I really like knowing my house is being looked after whilst I'm away. Main thing is to leave the place super clean and tidy when you leave and replace any stuff you've used. We don't snoop though...or if anyone ever has I've never heard about it.
exactly Sarah - I have no idea why she wants to stay here, apparently she's been stressed recently and needs a break away somewhere, but they go away somewhere different most weekends for short breaks etc
Ah, so she wants a free holiday? I'd be really annoyed at your husband agreeing to it without asking, tbh - that's the bit that would make me dig my heels in
I don't think it's even a mil issue, I wouldn't want my own mother living in my house while I went on holiday. I don't see why they would want to do this. What's wrong with their own home?
DH knows he's in deep water with me - I've yelled on the phone & hung up twice (I'm 9 wks pregnant too so he needs to be very careful) have told him I cant handle it knowing she'll be here whilst I'm supposedly relaxing in the sun
i've told him I'll stay here and he can take our other 2 DCs instead if he cant cancel it - & I will cancel it for him
DH on his way home now just texted me, so I dont know if he's phoned her from work or if he'll phone later at home...but I wont sleep unless he has cleared this up
ridiculous in laws
Can someone explain the housesitting thing to me?
You ask someone to house sit for security. They agree and stay at yours for two weeks so you dont get burgled. But presumably their house is now standing empty? So you wont get burgled but they might?
Bloody cheek of the woman! No way!
This thread has brought back an awful memory of my DH telling his ex girlfriend that she could stay in our house whilst we were on holiday - just for a couple of nights.
He could not understand at all why I was getting so cross about it.
He cancelled in the end. His plan was to leave a key under the mat for her. WTF????
I really think lots of men don't view their homes the way women do. All my husband really 'owns' in this house are his clothes, some DVDs and some books. He does not really have much he considers 'personal' whereas I consider most stuff in my home personal iykwim
That sounds awful. I could probably trust my MIL not to snoop, but wouldn't trust my Mum.
How were they going to get in if you leave tomorrow?
Do they have keys?
Yes Iwaswatchingthat, I do feel awfully 'female' and territorial about it, my things are here, my notebooks/bills/documents
ok nothing majorly secret, but it's my STUFF!!!! I dont have an open door policy! she needs to find another way of getting to know me if that's part of her plan. strange little woman that she is.
Do you have a frosty relationship?
She's after a cheap break from her own house, and sees your house as the answer.
I would be raging... I can't understand people thinking this is a reasonable 'request' from inlaws.. under no circumstance would I want this.. unless of course their home had been destroyed perhaps.
Your DH should have this sorted. Do they have keys? None of my inlaws have keys. My mother is annoyed over this but it used to piss me off when I got home from work and she took my landline phone/toaster etc when the family one broke. Or she said 'oh I removed the candle wax from the table' etc etc. so that was it.. I took the keys back.
Take the keys back.. if you have to change the locks.
I agree waswatchingthat. My DM goes into my bedroom when she visits to do her hair and make up. It really annoys me as I see mine and DHs bedroom as our personal space, DH hadn't really thought aboutit until I mentioned it being so, then he kind of got it.
lemon, i think DH was going to leave a key for them - mentioned to my DM that i would never know though, he could be harsh and tell me that he's phoned and cancelled it all, but still leave a key, but DM asssured me he's not as deceitful as that
You could say yes, but leave loads of booby traps like jars of coffee that will empty everywhere if she opens a personal-looking cupboard!
Me and DP house sat for DP's cousin when we were still both living with our parents and didn't have a place of our own.
It was the best thing ever and we certainly didn't snoop.
(disclaimer - that wasn't a serious suggestion!)
If you lived somewhere people traditionally like to visit, e.g. particular city, beach, historical location then I might be able to understand why she wanted to visit. That still doesn't excuse DH making what is a reasonably significant decision without your input. Your house is your personal space and you shouldn't have to worry about other people snooping around.
Your DH has accepted his parents request to stay. I don't think you can say no now, you just have to suck it up and not let it spoil your holiday.
They are his parents and its his home too, but having said that, what was he thinking by not telling you until now especially as you seem to be filled with hatred for your MIL.
Call MIL yourself!
Tell her that you are aware he's cancelled her, and this is not personal, but you don't want anyone in your home when you are not there, call you funny and all that, but that it's non-negotiable. Bright and breezy is the tone, assume he HAS cancelled her.
Be a bulldozer, totally immune to any protestation, thanks SO much for your understanding, I knew you'd understand, gotta go, byeeeeee
Once my MIL popped over at around bedtime when I was feeding dd2 (when she was a baby).
DH was reading a book to dd1 snuggled in our double bed. The bed was covered in our clothes, usual 'we have two children under two' mess.
I expected my MIL to stay downstairs until we got sorted and kids in bed. But no she came upstairs and laid on OUR bed with DH and DD1 until the story was finished.
It felt so weird walking in my room and seeing her lying on my bed. Makes me shudder to think about it!!!,
I am very territorial about my space, so lineup I feel your pain.
Lemon -I would hate that, but my DH like yours would not care!!
I think this is more than even people in your house its the fact that dh was going to let your house be occupied behind your back and now you're not sure you can trust him not to let them anyway. I think I'd be tempted make sure I heard him tell them and make him change the locks. can your dm be around i f not (without Key) to check they don't come?
Or I'd refuse to go!!
I stayed in my mams last week while she was on hold. I have stayed in my bils and my aunts when they were away. I am heading to France for two weeks and staying in my aunts while she is away. I have let people stay here also.
I would hate my mil in my home when I wasn't there. Hope dh sorts it.
To late and you want the house secure.
What has "etiquette" got to do with it?
I'm going to go against the grain and think you are being more than a tad ungenerous. My PIL have often stayed in our house when we are away and we don't get on great. My MIL is a snoop as well but I just hide everything I don't want her to see in one of the lockable bedrooms including the computer and lock the filing cabinet. I take the keys away with me or last time I gave them to my mother to keep. They are your husband's parents not some random strangers.
I would not like this at all.
And even if I didn't mind then I would not expect to be "told" but to have had a discussion about it
yes starfish, I think that is what would upset me the most.
He's just told you and you go away tomorrow? Fuck that.
I think that's it.... The only person you can be angry with is your DH. And this one time tolerate it, but make it clear to your DH that this will never happen again.
Tonight, hide anything you don't want her to use/see.
I kinder agree with lapsed i don't see the big deal, unless shes always treated you badly, in which case id say No.
I'd lock away my private items and she could stay. I wold be upset if my husband said my mother or father couldn't stay whilst we went away, so id give the same respect to his parents as i would wish for mine.
She can use my cosmetics it doesn't bother me. Lipsticks, blushers foundation they last for ages and need binning before they're used up. I think parents shold be given upmost respect unless they have treated you wickedly.
I totally understand...my inlaws have suggested staying with dh when I am in hospital having our first child. The thought of them bring I'm my house when I'm not there gives me the fear but there's no reason for it...I like them etc and trust they wouldn't nosy but at the end of the day its my territory and no one bar dh has had free reign before.
I wouldn't let ANYONE stay in my house if I was on holiday. My castle, my security, my private sanctuary - not for sharing. YANBU.
Your dh knew you would be unhappy or else he would have spoken to you about it when Mil asked to stay.
I love my Mil but i wouldn't want her or anyone to stay in my house for 3 weeks. I would yell Mil myself & i would let her know you knew nothing of the arrangment until today.
Im sure you've enough tp do getting organised for your holiday without getting the house ready for visitors.
Tell Mil not yell...well actually!
What Swedish said absolutely.
I could never ever do one of those house swap things either or rent it out and go away. I'm so protective about my house it's almost And def no to mil in it.
I wouldn't have an issue with my MIL staying when we were on holiday. But then my husband arranged a colleague to come housesit the last time we were away and he even asked him to log on to our business banking account as he had to urgently pay an unexpected bill and we didnt have the log in detsils with us. I really don't mind people using my home as their home when I'm not in it. I'd rather that than it be empty. But we don't have anything worth snooping on and no luxurious toiletries for MIL to use up.
I totally get why other people wouldn't like that though so I don't think YABU. We're all just different.
there's an etiquette issue where MIL has shown no manners in respecting if we want people in our home whilst we're not there, in not checking with BOTH of us rather than sneakily singing a sob story of needing a break to DH, of just using someone's utilities/space etc whilst theyre not there, MIL knowing full well that she hasnt got the full go ahead to do so from the other person who lives in the house
it's just weird to think she'll have free access to our bedroom/ensuite/cupboards/documents etc
although i'm supposed to be reassured that they'll bring their own sheets and use the guest bedroom
yeah right they will
i still dont know if PIL have been told, DH is packing up the car...
thats a good point Lineup, she should have at least phoned you to ask about how the house runs , where stuff is etc. even the fact she was going to bring her own bedding is not right without you even knowing.
Get the locks changed < whistles innocently>
we always let people stay in our house when we are away : the best security ever - and they feed our cats
and if we are in their neck of the woods we stay at theirs
I also have friends who come and use the garden in the evening as theirs is tiny : basic generosity to those less fortunate than myself
Hope you get this sorted. Could you say that it would invalidate your house contents insurance or something. Normally you have to pre clear house sitters / tenants etc and you haven't got time to do that.
Are you going to call her?
Give him the phone, say you'll do it if he doesn't and say if he won't you can tell them you're not going so there is no need for them to come. I am so angry on your behalf.
i'll be making a polite phonecall before 10pm I feel
He's home but still not told you
thanks cjel - i'm v angry - i've asked if he has phoned them yet he's just said i have to pack up the car!
Drag dh back into the house right now, pick up the phone and hand it to him, tell him to ring MIL right there and then in front of you or you will. I would be fucking furious if dh did this to me, and I would be having his balls on a plate.
If they were staying over, how would they get a key? Has DH hidden one somewhere?
The way you speak about your MIL is disgraceful. It's just downright nasty.
Tell him we are getting irritated here, he needs to phone them!
i would offer my home to friends in a second - but not MIL! different story! different boundary!
Blimey I just know mine would be the same lineup. She'd have everyone she knew round for a nosey and I'm intensely protective of my own space.
Give me the number!! Let me call!!
bridget, she has only said what mil actually does? that surely make mil nasty not OP?
How do you mean you don't know? You've not asked him? You'll have to get on the phone to them really, won't you?
'I wouldnt ring up and ask to stay at an inlaw's house while they were away.
who DOES that?'
I assume she doesn't see her son as an inlaw?
My mum could come and live with me anytime, but I suppose we're all different.
I ought to refresh before posting.
Part of your anger is misdirected - it's not your MIL's fault that your DP agreed without consulting you.
Must say that I don't understand your problem with PIL staying, though.
I think you are overreacting unless there is a big backstory.
Hide your documents, toiletries and anything else you want to and don't worry about it. It is your DHs house too and you are putting him in a horrible position.
I would like it but I wouldn't say anything.
My MIL came into my flat when DH and I went holiday. We were just married and DH wasn't even on the mortgage yet. FIL was decorating for us. She rearranged EVERYTHING. Kitchen cupboards, hot press, all rooms including my bedroom. She had even moved the double bed. Throw most of my make up away and left my pills on top of the pillow. Went through my personal papers and threw away everything she thought wasn't important, which was basically everything. Mortgage stuff, payslips, P60's, insurances.
I collected Prince records, the collection was worth a bit of money. She moved all the records into a cupboard that had heating pipes running through it. Then turned our heating on, this was July, and warped them all.
Funnily enough I wouldn't want my MIL in the house for three weeks either .
it's amproblem because it's knid of MIL will have free reign over OUR NEST to look at where we keep things, what is what etc etc and it's just creepy - the boundary is in place with her, yes I respect her, I have never fallen out with her, but I PREFER to keep a distance in the relationship, to keep it fresh, rather than claustrophobic where she can have had a chance to check my drawers/use my toiletries/use my home as though it was hers
it's just creepy
Hes putting her in a horrbile position - she has 2 dcs is 9wks pregnant and the day be fore they go on holiday she has to get the house ready for visitors and put all stuff she wouldn't want them to see somewhere safe? its her house too. How is that fair?
Oh dear, he's putting it off till its too late to call and hopes he'll get you to go along with it. Never mind packing the bloomin car, this needs sorting NOW, or you wont be going away!
Am another one who completely gets it and would also hate it.
It doesn't sound like your husband has called. What will you do if he doesn't/won't. Will you go as far as not going if it comes to it?
I don't get the argument that its creepy . Do you find them creepy at other times.
From their point of view they are staying in their sons house. It won't seem odd to them at all.
ok am off to phone them it's either tonight before 10pm or tomorrow morning before we leave
PIL used to have an emergency key to our house. I felt very uncomfortable when we came back from holiday to discover that they'd called round to clean our house while we were away. It felt like such an invasion, but of course DH just thought it was a lovely gesture etc etc blah blah. I don't like people snooping around my house when I'm not there. If I'd known they were planning on being there is have hidden things away. It felt sneaky.
Blimey coco how have you ever managed to get back on an even keel with your mil after that?? Poor you.
Ring tonight, OP, or you'll be seething till morning. If he hasn't rung by 10pm tell him you are now picking up the phone.
coco that's ^really awful.
good,, it is perfectly reasonable to not want people looking at your personal stuff. just because you married their son doesn't mean they have to know every last thing about you> do you have all your bank details, personal undies, special smellies out for everyone to see or do you grade things as less or more appropriate to let everyone see?
Do it tonight, DO NOT LEAVE IT TILL MORNING!
I think also must be a female/male thing. Once had a huge row with now DH when we got all new bedroom furniture and had spent all day putting finishing touches, putting our stuff back in wardrobes etc and finally making up our lovely new bed with new bedding. His adult son turned up at that point as he was passing and DH called him up to see our new bedroom .
DSS then proceeded to 'test' the bed by lying on it on his back bouncing up and down on it a bit (like you would do in a furniture shop iykwim) .
We had the most epic row ever afterwards and you know what DH just could not see the problem as his son was 'only' on top of the bed etc etc and it wasn't as if he'd actually got under the covers and blah blah.
But to me it ruined it. That first night we went to bed in our lovely new bedroom and all l could think was 'his son has been in this bed before me'
DH still holds up that story as example of what a controlling 'loon' l am. I still hold it up as an example of how entitled his family are to everything of ours and how insensitive DH can be about it.
Yes, different species at times.
I agree cjel, if it had been arranged in advance OP would have had an opportunity for all the locking away etc. if that is what she wanted to do. However it is the night before their holiday, not practical at all.
The reason your DH is packing the car and saying nothing is because he hasn't got testicles big enough to man up and call her!
I totally understand your POV, lineup. Some of the comments criticising you are just downright weird! Your house your rules. You don't want them there, PiL shouldn't be there. No need for any explanation.
Men. Dozy fuckers.
I came home after having DD2, parents in law were here with DD1 while DH came to get me. When I walked in, FIL was hovering our bedroom.
I felt like an ungrateful cow, they were lovely ILs and I am sure it was meant to be helpful, but in that moment of being vulnerable, hormonal and just wanting to be us as a family on our own, it felt like an invasion of privacy - there could have been condoms or knickers or stuff out, and the room was a total mess - I felt judged.
Op has said her MIL is a snoop. I bet her MIL will delight in snooping, then gossiping about her DIL to all her friends. Why would they want to visit your house when you are not there?
Actually, why don't you say you want to see them and invite while you are there - that should be a better offer and one they would be unreasonable to turn down?? otherwise they would have to admit to wanting to be in your house without you, what reason could they have for that?
Ok lineup. Dial the number.
Say "hello you devious MiL. Your poorly hung sap of a son wants to say something to you." Pass the phone to aforesaid wimp. Stand there in front of him while he rescinds the invitation.
My SIL and PIL stayed last week (seperately!) when we we were on hols. I didn't even think about hiding anything! It was a big enough effort too Hoover and change the bedding etc ready for them. But then my MIL is here every Tuesday to look after my son so if she wanted to snoop she would've done it by now.
Hope the situation resolves for you.
what about-' only just found out , sorry dh didn't realise its not convenient'
My last post was aimed at Iwaswatchingthat btw. Very good point phantom in your last paragraph - call them on why they want to visit when you and dcs not there .
I do understand her being a snoop. The resenting her using your spa bath is a bit mean isn't it?
I feel a bit sorry for your dh on this one. It's his house too. You should both be in agreement obvs but it'll be a bit embarrassing for him to have to tell his parents that you will not allow it. Pack up anything really private & put it somewhere safe.
My MIL would, if allowed to stay alone in our house, definitely snoop.
Lovely though she is as a person, she has no boundaries. And I don't have anywhere lockable to hide stuff where it can't be got at.
So, I wouldn't have her to stay alone before, but it's now no longer an issue for me as she's in a nursing home.
God I must get a lock for our bedroom!
When we were on holiday MIL took all out laundry to her house to iron. My pants were neatly piled on the bed next to DHs, I was not happy!
I also hated her going into our room.
I think you are over reacting. You have a normal healthy MIL DIL relationship by the sounds. Lock your personal stuff away and give your MIL a break. Maybe she does need it? It's your DH at fault for saying yes when in fact he should have said 'ill check with lineup and get back to you'. Blame DH. Your MIL is only guilty of asking for a break. Maybe they will support you when you next need a break?
You don't get the point! it is her house as well and the only reason HE would be in an awkward position is because HE didn't tell his wife that they were coming while she was away. She has a couple of hours notice and probably no time to move stuff around. Awkward position his making.
Gish m shocked I always let people stay in our house while we in holiday. Especially family! I suppose if you don't live somewhere that's holiday friendly you'd have to wonder why she would want to come and stay and perhaps if you don't get on then ok I suppose say no. I'm surprised at everyone been so negative about this but then I suppose it depends on your relationship with inlaws.
DH has also given a key when we were away another time without my knowledge
House was in post packing/small children/ not that into housework carnage!
Not the state I'd want it to be in before house proud ILs descend.
just had an epic row with DH - i asked had he phoned them, he said no, he doesnt intend to
i've agreed that he tidies the entire house tonight, puts all documents etc in the attic and locks our bedroom door
i've gone to bed told him he's a wimp and an arse
i'll be on silent for the entire trip I feel
I'd be so upset, it feels like hes put them before you ? does he usually do things like this?
Packing to go on holiday ( for 3 weeks, lucky you!) for yourself, partner and dc is a feat in itself. Being 9 weeks pregnant - add on more stress, and then to find out that you have uninvited guests about to descend. Boy oh boy- I wouldn't know where to start!
Hope everything is resolved peacefully and you enjoy your hols.
I would hate my in laws staying at mine. We have a rule of no one going upstairs anyway, but they massively snoop and rearrange things. They have no understanding of personal space/boundaries, and I wouldn't be able to relax.
It's all well and good saying lock the room, but my only lockable room is the bathroom!
Did you phone? I think it's your dh at fault here, not MIL. Your dh should have discussed it with you before saying yes or no, and MIL could reasonably have assumed that dh would have talked to you about it, not kept it secret! Secondly, once you told him this is not ok, he should have told MIL straight away, not keep avoiding you and not tell her, putting both you and MIL in a really awkward position. After all, she thinks she's coming to yours tomorrow, it's really bad to leave it so late to tell her she can't come anymore. If I were you or MIL I'd be really pissed off with your dh.
How much of a dickis he that he will put hisparents before you?!?
I would hit the roof to be told that someone, anyone, doesn't matter who, was to stay in my home while I was away (or even while I was there)
That is something that you discuss, not that you are told. I wouldn't tell my husband that and I wouldn't expect him to tell me.
And how long ago did he agree this? Did he wait until today to say anything thinking that it would be too late for you to object?
I hope he does tell her that it is cancelled, while you are there.
I would be removing his key from him now, and saying I'll hold it until we get home! So even if he is saying she can come behind my back, she won't be able to get in!
Good God - I think you are being both unreasonable and irrational, as well as being vile to your dh. What a spectacular over-reaction.
Why don't you give them a call and explain that he hadn't discussed it with you and you are sorry to have to let them down at such sort notice but it just isn't possible??
Oops, crossed posts. Don't go! You'll have an awful time rowing and worrying the whole time. At least stay at home so you're not worrying about your home. What an absolute cock. On second thoughts, give a spare key to someone really shifty looking, loud and annoying, and tell them they are also welcome to stay in your house. See how dh enjoys that!
So he did then. He left it till now so that you can do nothing about it.
Well, you can. You can phone her yourself, you can stay home, you can take his key...
But since you've decided to go with it, good luck. I hope it's a strong lock on your bedroom door!
Or if not, put up a banner on your bedroom wall
FUCK OFF, MIL
She has no reason to try to get into your bedroom, so she shouldn't see it, eh?
lineup you still have not answered whether it would be ok for your mother to stay. However it is ok for your friends double standards. It is also DH house he obviously thought he had a reasonable wife. I would be really really upset if my other half spoke about my family like you do about your mil.
I love my home but just find the majority of you odd. How do you ever manage to stay in hotels villas etc where others have slept?
Think you need to step back not be cheered on by those on here and try and see dh side, yes maybe he should have discussed it with you, emotions are high don't do anything you might regret.
Be ok with it, make sure you watch him leaving the key and then get your Mum to retrieve it once you've gone.
No key! Must have been nicked, or taken by a dog or something. Thank goodness the house wasn't burgled.
You phone them yourself then. You really need to stick to your guns here. This is forcing you to accept a situation you are very unhappy about by doing blatant stalling followed by 'it's got so late it's fait accompli now'.
I would not have this no way , he needs a short sharp shock to see how he has pissed you off. Either don't go or cancel them yourself. No means no.
By the way - I really wouldn't let him get away with this. Massively disrespectful, thin end if the wedge.
Why don't you phone them? Was it just hot air?
Can you quickly buy padlocks for your bedroom and bathroom etc and fit them tomorrow morning before you leave so she only has access to eg lounge/kitchen?
Have only read the first two pages. I really don't understand what the problem is. My ILs used to stay at ours when we were on holiday. They kept an eye on the house, it was a little break for them. What are you trying to keep secret? Cosmetics - I have one make-up bag and it goes on holiday with me. Surely top secret papers should be in a lockable cabinet anyway?
If my MIL had snooped she'd have found out I was on the pill (HRT now), what the leccy cost and how much I had spent on shoes. Actually the latter doesn't bother me anymore and I'd just let her sweat over it.
In perspective, the cat lady costs 15 per day, and it saved us money to have the pils here. Nowadays though mil's so doolally she'd leave the front door open.
Brilliant idea Talkative sort of thing l would do. Sometimes PA is the only way to go when no-one is listening.
what have hotels/villas etc got to do with it, they don't have my most intimate personal things in? don't see a comparison
Just ring them!! This sort of thing should be decided by both of you, but going behind your back I'm not surprised you don't want to go along with it.
If you don't get this sorted now it will loom over your entire holiday.
I expect the reason he doesn't want to ring is because he doesn't want to look foolish, so do it for him.
If I were you, OP, I wouldn't go on holiday tomorrow in the circumstances you describe. And I am not joking!
My mind is boggling at what 'personal' things people have that would be so awful for anybody to see. I'm racking my brains trying to think of anything in my bedroom that I wouldn't want anybody to know about. I must be v boring.
Don't think you are boring, its just that if it is personal - even if its old grey knickers you don't want anyone to see then everyone should have a right to that personal space being safe in their own home!!
Maybe the OPs DH loves his parents and doesn't think they are creepy and intrusive. They are his parents and he may be shocked to realise his wife finds them so 'distasteful' By demanding that the OPs DH phones his parents the OP has put him in what he must see as a truly awful and impossible situation.
I don't think this is going to be a fun holiday
Same here Leeds2.
OP, if you let them stay then his plan has worked. He's left it until the last minute to tell you so that you bow down under pressure.
The crux of all this is she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit. If DH knew this, he was very unreasonable to say yes to his mother.
Asking whether the OP would have the same attitude towards her mother, it depends whether she would say of her mother "she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit" or not.
I agree that DH knew fine that the OP would not be happy with this, so he cowardly left it to the last minute to tell her. He's throwing a strop because it all fell down about his ears.
remus that's what I think. Is it the dirty sock behind the laundry basket, the 9 years of payslips in my bedside drawer, the muddle of tights in the dressing table drawer, that nice message on the birthday card from DH I kept, my knicker drawer with 20 pairs that can do 'one more wear'?
If any of that bothers mil (or my mum) tough. Spose I could be embarrassed because it's all so boring.
It's the kind of thing that's hard to understand if you don't have someone in your life doing this to you.
My PILs would often use the "we need a break" argument but they would often push it too far.
For example, they once went to visit BIL and SIL on a whim, stayed for a week, drove 100 miles or so out of their way to call in on us as they "were passing" on the way home, invited themselves to stay the night, stayed for four days. Then they borrowed money they never paid back so they could put petrol in the car to drive home. Within half an hour of them getting home, which was a four or five hour drive away, they rang us to tell us, not ask us, that they were coming back and would be staying for another week or so as MIL and other BIL had had an argument and she "need a break."
And the snooping can drive you mad as well.
Like the time they opened a private letter and read it "because it was just left on the table for anyone to see." In the sealed envelope, waiting for the person it was addressed to to get home and open it.
Or the time they let themselves into BIL and SILs house while they were on honeymoon and threw a party for their friends and neighbours, during which they opened the parcel the wedding photographer had delivered and showed everyone the wedding album and video before BIL and SIL had seen them.
I could go on an on with this. They would also go directly to BIL or DH and put them in a position where they felt unable to say no. And okay, they were talking to their sons, but they were clever enough to do it in a way that excluded their wives and it's that kind of sneakiness that gets to you.
If you know that someone is doing this to you all the time it does get to you. DH has admitted that he feels unable to say no to his mother because he's been told all his life that she will have a mental breakdown and it will be his fault. Not everyone's situation is that extreme, but I can understand why the OP feels the way she does with a MIL she knows will snoop and a DH who has left this to the last minute as a way of manipulating her.
Beds are very intimate I believe.
Seems to me that people are urging op to wreck her relationship by escalating things .
Things may have been done in the wrong order according to op but insisting he cancels will very possibly damage dh and her relationship and also with the il's who she says she gets on with. Though her comments to against that
It's not the issue that DH has invited his parents to stay - the issue is that he has done it without discussing it with the OP first. He has left it too late to ring and cancel. He knew that the OP would say no. He has shown that his parents come before her needs and wishes. He is weak and a coward and if I was the OP, I would be seriously considering whether or not to stay in this relationship.
Don't do it. DP and I were away last month - MIL and FIL had keys & it was useful as they cut the grass, watered the plants and dropped some milk and a loaf of bread off the day before we got back BUT I can also tell things have been moved about. A quirk of MILs is that she stores almost everything in the fridge (bread, crackers, potatoes etc) and the first time I opened the fridge after getting back, there were some unopened packets of Ryvita, cream crackers, icing sugar and miso soup in there. I am really wanting to bring this up in conversation just to see why she did it...
You do not know that he knew she would say no she has already said she would let others stay. You are assuming he has been deliberately underhand we do not have evidence of that.
I'm most interested in how the OP would feel if he hit the roof about the idea of her parents staying. It seems to me that he's been forced into keeping quiet because he knew that she would completely over-react, and because she has been vile about his parents. And I agree that the people saying that the OP shouldn't go on holiday etc, are massively over-reacting. Relationships are about compromise - not about sulking or about 'Ltb'ing the minute something isn't perfect.
Phone MIL yourself and tell her no.
Or don't go on hols. You're not going to enjoy it anyway.
Your H is bang out of order. Those that don't see the problem likely have non snoopy/sneaky MILs or DMs.
Yes swedish, its hard to understand if you haven't lived with this level of manipulation, but it rings alarm bells for me as well, what husband does something like this behind his wifes back? its not good enough to say he knew she wouldn't like it so didn't tell her. If he cared anything for her he would have at least of talked it through with his life partner/love of his life,
What else does he keep from her/do behind her back. and does he really think that little of her that he thinks its ok to do something knowing she doesn't like it expecting her to put up and shut upP
My MIL puts everything in wee thin plastic bags, texture of those very fine condoms. <shudder>
We took her on holiday with us once and I had constant heebie-jeebies at the teeny weeny bags. If she stayed in our house they would be everywhere.
I wouldn't go on holiday. And I would ring PiL myself. And I would be rethinking the relationship.
Remus That's not a fair comparison, though, unless the DH's MIL has form for snooping through his stuff and gossiping about it.
It's not as straightforward as "his-parents-her-parents".
These are your DH's parents not strangers. It will be nice to know that your home will be safe whilst you are away and you wouldnt have to risk coming back to a burgled property. I cant understand why it is winding you up so much and you are bonkers if you allow it to ruin a family holiday.
I am assuming that you would "allow" your own parents to stay in your home no questions asked.
YANBU I really don't think I could go on that holiday.
Personally, I'd love it if MIL came to stay whilst we were away. I would come back to a clean house & no ironing . But then, my MIL is lovely. One of the most non-judgey, non-snoopy, easiest going people you could hope to meet.
Your house, your choice. Obviously your DH gets an equal say but for me - no agreement means no house guests. Although you would have to respect his wishes if the roles/mothers were ever reversed.
remus, does compromise only go one way? he does what he wants and she has to compromise by agreeing? I compromised during the 35 years I was with dh so don't ltb lightly but, there is no room for discussion here. He has invited someone to stay in her special, private nest and is expecting her to accept. No signs of relationship, grown up partnership or compromise.
Ring them yourself, now.
He made a unilateral decision without discussing it with you so you are, by the terms he had laid down, fully entitled to do the same.
She's not hit the roof about 'the idea' of them staying, she's had a barney at the reality of them staying and because the dh had arranged it behind her back, knowing she would not agree to it, and has refused to cancel it despite OP saying I don't want people using my house while I'm away.
He's not been forced into acting secretly - that's ridiculous. If you can't discuss and agree who can use your house and when, then your marriage is over, and no amount of secret lending of your house will save it.
There are some extreme opinions here... 'rethinking your relationship' FGS they have a happy 10 year marriage, children and another child on the way... 'don't go on holiday' - why cut your own nose off to spite your face?
Your DH has been an idiot and made a mistake, but they are his parents and it's also his home!
Ok I know youve had a "massive" row with your DH but Im really struck with all the negative comments directed towards your MIL throughout the thread (and yes I wouldn't want my in-laws staying at my house either!) instead of the real problem here - your DH!! He didn't consult you, hes ignoring your wishes and totally ignoring the fact you're not happy now.....and yet all you can go on about is the reasons you don't want her there? Dont get it personally. And then you say you're not going on holiday if your PILs stay.....and now you are going after all, ok then...
another argument & he's ringing her now to cancel (it was the thought of him having to singlehandedly clean kitchen cupboards/cups/etc before they arrive as I told him they were in need of cleaning if guests were having to stay)
I wouldn't like it either. I know for a fact my mil used to steam open bil's post. Because she told me!?! I wouldn't let my mum either. She openly wanders around from room to room asking comments about stuff. And as for my sister, she is quite open about her snooping lol.
Remus and MarriedInWhite - those things might be boring. But they are your boring, private things and would you want them snooped at and really not mind if someone did?
Maybe you wouldn't mind, but everyone has something private and personal that they might not want to share with the world.
MIL would snoop through bathroom cabinets and dressing table drawers, and then comment to someone else "why would Sarah be taking X medication do you think?" or "Sarah and Fuck are still using birth control, so it doesn't look like I'll be a grandma just yet."
I'm not embarrassed by those things as they sit in the cabinet or the drawer, but I'd rather the whole family and MILs stranger-to-me friends weren't discussing them.
The house is probably filled with little things like that, some more embarrassing than others, some not embarrassing at all but mine. Mine to decide if I want someone to see it or not. The OP obviously feels the same about her home. Embarrassing or not, the things in it are hers and she shouldn't have to worry about someone snooping at them.
Still struggling to see why he has to be considerate think about his wife but she is right and she does not need to compromise for his sake.
If on the other hand he makes unilateral decisions all the time that may be different. If it is the first time he may have genuinely forgotten with being busy pre holiday hence of willing to phone.
OP said she didn't want to go. If H is only now doing this then their marriage won't be happy in the future or if e has done things like this in the past then it hasn't been happy.
I don't think I would really mind my inlaws staying though I would mind my husband agreeing it without asking me. Now you have come to an 'agreement',just try and enjoy your hols! Can you ask your hubby to at least phone and tell them you're a bit unsure about having other people in the house and can they not rearrange anything or go through any cupboards etc?
I would let mine I don't see what you've got to hide
Well enjoy your holiday then lineup because I imagine it's going to be a barrel of laughs.
Your DH made a mistake. You have pushed it to far IMO. You should have been the grown up.
In surprised by all the anti in law on here. I can't see the problem.
I wouldn't like this at all. Why are they wanting to stay in her house, why for 3 weeks? It's just odd. Why don't they want to come when their son and DIL are actually there?
It does strike me as sneaky, manipulative and underhand, on behalf of MIL and of husband.
I don't get the security argument either, as someone else has already pointed out, the house-sitters are occupying one house, but their house will then be empty.
If my in-laws stayed in my house for 3 weeks I'd come back to 3 weeks worth of mess and cleaning, and the cupboards bare, and the fridge full of out of date meat.
If my parents stayed the whole place would be cleaned top-to-bottom, repainted, all the furniture rearranged, and extra rugs placed everywhere.
Not sure which would be more irritating, but I wouldn't like either.
He's opted for the easy route - skirt around the issue, ignore and therefore not upset the parents and lose face. Which of course means he expects lineup to basically deal with it and suck it up.
I have experience of this as has my SIL Our tactic now is to meet it head on - "Sorry MIL - DH didn't check as if he had, he would have realised that I've organised for the fumigators to dose the house whilst we were holiday. Toxic and all of that. Oh well, you know that next time you should really talk to the lady of the house first...."
I too don't see a problem with relatives staying.
I do see a problem with your husband telling you in a round about way to either like it or lump it! doesn't bode well for a happy holiday.
You should have cancelled it yourself if you feel that strrongly about it!
I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other here.
It's not so much an anti in law thing for me, it is more my husband and mil sneaking behind my back and making plans without my knowledge and consent that I would would object to.
it's ok, he's ringing to cancel - phone was engaged - he'll try again
in 10 yrs of marriage this is the first time he's forgotten to mention something like this until short notice, he's not a malicious type, just busy
amd I am very hormonal 9 wks pregnant and protective of my nest it seems
Op hope you enjoy your holiday hope dh does too
gosh i am feeling like a bit of a hippy now - i cannot imagine being uptight about someone, who i knew, staying in a house that i owned but that i was not using, whilst i was away. my pils have keys to our house and they know they can stay whenever we're not there (we live in london, they're in the sticks so use our house as a crash pad when we're not around). wouldn't even occur to me to be annoyed about it. how precious and possessive would you have to be to begrudge someone staying in your house when you're not even bloody there?
is there a back story? because it doesn't seem to really be worth the amount of angst you're creating over this.
Relatives staying that you know nothing about until the day before because it's been planned behind your back and that is okay? Really?
The OP says that the mil is snoopy. We are only hearing the OP's opinion. Basically she's said 'No' without discussing any rational ideas as to why not, other than that mil is snoopy, and then gone mad when her dh has said it is okay for his parents to stay. Then thrown a fit and demanded that he clean etc, and sulked until he feels he has to phone his parents and say that they can't come. And then she expects to go and have a half decent holiday with this man?
I really don't get this.
MIL hasn't gone behind the OP's back... DH has.
MIL was invited, she's done nothing wrong. Except OP doesn't like her.
Then op if it is the first time he has forgotten you have been massively unfair on him and using the I am 9 weeks pregnant and hormonal is a cope out and does women no favours.
Am fuming for dh now you have said he forgot etc
because if you are going to be judged on what they find in your home, while youre not there...like married said earlier, there are personal things here which I as a private person dont wish family immediate or otherwise to see - the mess of my cup cupboard/spice cupboard/under the beds/ general family life mess with 2 DCs under 5
at least when having visitors, such things can be controlled to view - they can be given tea in the living room and have a chat then leave!
Phone engaged at this time of day? Who are they talking to!
Are you now saying DH forgot because he's busy? And wasn't being malicious?! And yet you still demand he phone her now and cancel when she has probably made plans. I'm flabbergasted!
Some of these posters are so deluded I suspect the OPs MIL is on here. It's not about whether or not she should be happy for the ILs to stay - the issue here is the dh arranging lending their house out behind the dw's back when he knew she wouldn't agree, then refusing to un-lend it when she confirmed she was not ok with it.
If you think this is a happy marriage I feel sorry for you - what the hell are your dh's up to if you think this is acceptable behaviour? I would look at my dh very, very differently if he'd done this to me.
it's either phone them or spend the next 5 hrs cleaning every nook and cranny
I'm on team Remus. Says more about op than in laws. How emasculating for the h too
Are you his mother? You're making him clean every nook and cranny, because you say so? I'm flabbergasted tbh. You are blackmailing him.
I think the MIL is a MN'er and, having read this thread, is not going to pick up the phone
Oh FFS op. just say "you're welcome to come but don't expect it to be spotless"
We've had people staying when we've been away.
But having someone I didn't trust, for three weeks, at one days notice, after a unilateral decision from dh would be unthinkable.
Oh dear, I wouldn't be too bothered with prior knowledge but wouldn't want them in my actual bed
SHE'S GOT A TORTURE CELLAR OF DILDOS
Headfirst - um, yes really. Why would I care if someone stayed in a house that I was not actually going to be present in for the duration of the stay? Bit OTT to say it's been "planned behind your back" - I'd expect DH to mention it to me at some point, but it'd be neither here nor there if it was 100, 10 or 1 day before we left - or indeed when we were already on holiday.
And lineup, you care about someone, to whom you are related, seeing the "mess of my spice cupboard"? Are you for real?
I think you need to chill the fuck out.
I get it too, but in my case it's my DM who is snoopy and judgey and lacking in boundaries, and DMIL who is just about perfect (I tease her she's Practically Perfect in Every Way, just like Mary Poppins).
Mum would be in and out of every cupboard and drawer, judging not only their contents but how neat and tidy I keep things. Whether I mend DD's clothes (nope) and darn socks. Why I don't have a properly stocked spice rack or sewing basket. Why my bins (indoor and outdoor) have not been steam-cleaned. Why I am on certain medication I haven't told her about. Why none of our cleaning rags consist of old t-shirts of DH's lovingly recycled and cut into strips. My curtains are grubby. My garden needs trimming back. Ad fucking nauseum. It would just give her faaaaar to much ammunition and ALL of the above would be splashed about amongst family and friends.
P.S. I love my mum dearly
Just hide your love eggs.
I think this is a case of the ops house is embarrassingly dirty! There could be no other explanation for this drama imo.
Emasculating for the H??
H has behaved like a child like eunuch. His DM is the source of his emasculation, NOT OP.
Bugsy I agree - the "I'm 9 weeks pregnant and hormonal" and therefore all my demands must be met is bizarre. And the anti-MIL obsession appears on mumsnet again. I hope you don't have sons OP as one day you could be on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.
mess of my cup cupboard/spice cupboard
Snort. I want a torture chamber too!
This thread reminds me of the a time when my sister and her then BF (now DH) went on holiday. They rented the house with white goods and the washer was crap so while they were away Ma decided to help by clearing their washing basket. She did it all, washed, ironed and folded.
When Dsis got back from hols she was thrilled to find all the washing done and put away except for a little pile of Dis's underwear, which was on the bed next to her underwear drawer. As Dsis opened the drawer to put it away she say her vibrator taking pride of place! Clearly Ma had opened the drawer, seen it, shut the drawer and put the undies on the bed as if she hadnt seen it. Except that by doing that, she made it clear that she had! Ma feeds the animals, waters the plants and leaves now!
I'd be mighty pissed off if my DH offered our home to anyone without consulting me first but having in-laws to stay whilst we go away is exactly what we do every summer for 2 weeks & it's bloody brilliant. It is a holiday to them as they come from small town flat to house with garden in a pretty village and we come home to happy fed cats, clean house, lawn mowed & food in the fridge & get to see then for a couple of days before we go rather than the usual week-long stays we have to endure at other time . I'm very much of the view that if they want to rifle through our bank statements or play hunt the sex toys then that's their issue & I'm none the wiser so couldn't care less!
it would be as HeartsTrumpsDiamonds just described. exactly that.
Another one here who would absolutely HATE this. It would ruin the holiday for me. Couldn't care less if that makes me seem pathetic about my few possessions, it's about privacy. Hope you get through, OP.
It is YOUR home OP. If you don't want anyone to stay then that is your choice. You don't have to defend your position or justify yourself on this thread.
It wouldn't have been as bad with a weeks notice to get house sorted (what it would take me with small children) and DH doing at least half the sorting.
Would still be okay if DH stays up till house is in 'guest state'
I think it's like going on a surprise date in clothes you wore to work, unshaved legs, slightly greasy hair etc. Not the
end of the world but not what you would want.
Er yes but the OP posted in aibu?
For those who say it was a set up have not read the op posts.
lineup 5 hrs cleaning if you want any semblance of a relationship with mil. Regardless of whose fault you see it is you will be blamed. your mil will now not have 'her holiday' in her shoes i would be v upset as i am sure you would.
No winners here you can only move forward put you point across and make sure dh knows how you feel so no mistakes in the future.
This is a fascinating thread. I had no idea people were so territorial. All this stuff about "my special nest" is completely alien to me.
I'd love to know if there's a correlation between feeling like this and being a SAHM. Has it got to do with the house being your domain?
I'm not sure it is about privacy OP. You seem hell bent on picking a fight and spoiling your family holiday.
He forgot, you've said he forgot, he works hard and is busy. It's his parents and he wants to welcome them into his home while you're away. Yet you are being manipulative and vindictive. Really OP I'm feeling sorry for your DH, IMO you are coming off very badly. And I think you need to look at your own behaviour not just your DHs. Even if he did not forgot but didn't tell you because he knew you'd react this way, it was a mistake on his part, blame him, argue with him, but be the grown up and do not fight over something do trivial and spoil your hard earned holiday.
yes thanks Swedish & Getstuffed - my privacy is everything to me, my house is not embarrasssingly dirty, just messy at the moment with school hols and young children, and not up to the scrupulous standards MIL has. I would feel judged on trivial things such as the spice cupboard yes! it is bizarre but i am entitled to choose who stays here
DH is not emasculated, has apologised for arranging it and is sure MIL wont mind and will rearrange another date to visit when DCs are here
Teatimesthree. There are loads of women in here who won't even answer their front door if they aren't expecting someone. They don't do spontaneous.
I would not be going either, it would drive me mad to come home and find things moved or put away, I would go completely mad at the thought of this!!
My mil had a key so she could oversee some decorating that was going on in dd's bedroom and the upstairs landing and hallway while we were away on holiday. I had packed in a bit of a mad frenzy (our three dc were very young at the time) and had left some new bras on our bed that I'd tried on and decided not to keep but hadn't had time to put back in the boxes.
I'd firmly shut the bedroom door to avoid any mess from the decorators.
Came home from our two week holiday to find the bedroom all tidied up, with the bras put back in the boxes and piled up on my drawers. I was so fucking pissed off. There was absolutely no need for her to go in our bedroom. What person in their right mind goes into someone's bedroom and fiddles about with their underwear FFS? Talk about making it obvious you've been snooping, I don't care if she thought she was being helpful, it's just overstepping boundaries.
She also massively irritates me by making a beeline for any Valentine's or anniversary cards that DH and I have given each other in order to read the messages inside. Now, would you do that, or would you think No, those messages inside are for the couple in question even if the cards are on display on the mantelpiece?
She's very nice in other ways so I keep schtum to avoid bad feeling. I think cocolepew's MIL takes the prize for behaviour.
Hope you get sorted OP.
CaptainJamesTKirk I agree with everything you have said.
Totally agree with TheCaptain.
Well, yes, we are only hearing her opinion.
But unless we assume she's making it all up I think we have to accept her opinion that her MIL is snoopy as the truth.
If the OP is giving us the full story, I'm not surprised that she isn't happy with MIL or DH.
It's not the sort of thing that slips your mind, that you've agreed for someone else, anyone else, to come and spend three weeks in your house while you aren't there.
So either we assume that OP is being super-controlling and unreasonable by not wanting this to happen, and her DH knows that OP is like that so kept it from her until the last minute in the hope of forcing the situation without having to stand up to his controlling wife.
Or we assume that OP is telling the truth, MIL somehow managed to manipulate this situation behind the OP's back, given that OP has said MIL is sneaky and sly as well as snoopy, and DH has kept this from OP because he knows what his mother is like, knows OP would be justifiably upset, and kept it from her in the hope of forcing the situation without having to say no to his sneaky mother.
OP does say that MIL asked to come and stay for three weeks, not that she was invited.
teatimesthree I was a SAHM, now a fairly houseproud SAHW and nope this wouldn't bother me at all. Any of it. We have even house swapped with strangers for holidays. I understand that I feel differently to OP about this but I totally don't get it either.
thanks Iwaswatchingthat. Mind is somewhat at ease knowing no snooping in drawers etc while we're away
OP but if everyone knows she is like that no attention be paid to what she says.
Shame you don't like her.
Wish I had a MIL to be nosey and sneeky
I have only surfed through the pages and not read all so maybe this has been asked and answered already.
Op, what makes your mil snoopy?
Fair enough that the OP doesn't want her housekeeping to be 'judged' by her MIL. However, she must realise that her MIL will now be judging her for 'banning' her from her sons house. The OP has now given the MIL some fantastic material to gossip about. You can just imagine her telling all and sundry about the late night phone call from her son.
she will in conversation comment on exact details of her friends homes, what curtains they have, whether they have a dishwasher and use it or not, what brand of softener they use...it goes on and on. then judgement calls on friends of hers who have pedicures, why they would have such a luxury etc etc
it's just quite intense and she notices everything. and comments on it behind their backs.
ERmmm.....WIBU to ask where the OP is going for a three week holiay?
frankly Goooood, my privacy and peace of mind is worth more than gold to me, so if it deosnt go down well, then so be it. I can take it.
Lots of x posts there.
I think my point is, having anyone come to stay for that length of time is something that you both have to be happy with, and the OP wasn't given the opportunity to discuss it even.
Op. After that question answered it sounds like 'conversation' to me not snooping.
in which case YABU.
conversation involving divulging the secrets of her friends or comments ridiculing their outfits?
conversation? I would call that slander to be honest
Well how dare she show any interest in fabric conditioner etc? Awful woman, I'm not surprised she's not welcome.
lineup, my MIL would be the same. We have had them staying once or twice to mind dc's while dh and I weren't there and I just knew she would be telling houseproud SIL about the state of our upstairs bathroom. And going through stuff and telling other people.
You're accusing her of slander now?
Look OP your privacy and peace of mind are important to you, that's fine, they're important to me too. But you must admit you have manipulated your DH into getting your own way and that is at the expense of your relationship with your DH (and his parents) and at the expense of your family and their holiday.
You had the opportunity to rise above it, you decided not to take it. If you have sons, then please remember this moment when you have a daughter in law of your own.
YANBU OP, I hope it all gets solved to your satisfaction.
I think I'd still be changing the locks before leaving if it was me, just in case.
when/if I have a daughter in law, I wont invite myself to her home while she's away!
I was hoping after 11 pages there might be a real reason why you do not want your mil to stay, you have argued with your dh and you do not want to go on holiday. So far I have found none. Pointless thread so goodnight op and enjoy your break away
I hope you don't get burgled
MiL started the manipulation. The Eunuch continued it.
I'm lucky: if my MIL came to stay I would come back to a spotless house, a freezer full of meals, a cupboard full of cakes, a pile of ironing done, a tidy garden and probably a load of new clothes for the children. She wouldn't snoop or gossip and it wouldn't bother me at all. I don't know her that well but she's lovely...
sarah but op has very clearly stated he forgot so why do you not believe her.
You have a lovely dh for making that call for what you have implied was an honest mistake you on the other hand have been very unreasonable
yes he is lovely, and we remain friends and will have a good holiday
everyone is very different as regards privacy/boundaries/personal space it seems, some dont care who stays and sees whatever, others more protective. I'm clearly one of the more manic protective varieties
if my mother came to stay i'd find her on the sofa where i'd left her.
lineup it's not about inviting herself, she asked, your DH said yes. That's not 'inviting yourself'.
And your future potential DIL could pick anything to dislike you about. Anything. She may feel you judge her from the tiniest look or the tiniest comment, and that's it... You're no longer welcome and slowly edged out of your son's life in favour of the wife's mum, who doesn't judge. You'll get phone calls the day before anticipated visits that you've really looked forward to saying you aren't welcome.
Hey whatever, I'm coming across as preachy now. Your life. Your holiday. Your relationships. Enjoy!
course everyone is different. you don't want them there for reasons only you know.
how did they take it?
how long had he known by the way?
CaptainJamesTKirk, are you the MIL? And ThePros - 'Hope you don't get burgled' Really?? Are you the MIL as well?! Horrible wierdos.
I have sons. I can't imagine inviting myself to their house for 3 weeks when they have grown up and left home, and are away on holiday. I would assume that I would want to visit when they are there!
CJTK I wouldnt have my own mother stay in my house for the poking, prying, judging and gossiping that the OP mentioned. Its nothing to do with who is who in the family, but everything to do with respecting boundaries which ma and the OPs MIL dont do.
For me the problem here is that dh made a unilateral decision about something that is not just his further it is a home not a shared car or dvd player that would be lent more readily.
Obviously that sort of thing leads to the other person also making a unilateral decision the opposite way! It is quite possible with warning and discussion that the op would not have felt as strongly but finding out last minute is never going to be good!
Hope mil is reasonable op, sounds like your dh is despite this slip up
YANBU I would not feel at all comfortable with the IL in my house when we are not here and my mil sounds similar to yours OP.
I can ony assume all the very rude MNetters who are castigating you must have very nice MILs and a short supply of empathy........
Nope not the MIL. My DS is 3 (so I have a few years before I have to worry about being an MIL). I just think the OP has been extremely manipulative. Like I said though, I'm getting preachy so it's time I moved on from this thread with a happy holidays OP.
I also am finding it strange that OP's husband "forgot" to mention the visit at any point until the evening before they left.
Would it not have come up at all when planning / packing?
The only thing I would be annoyed about would be the last minute nature of it, as I'd like to make sure the house was guest ready - nothing over the top like clearing out the spice rack, but clean towels, instructions left for appliances the might use, floors and surfaces clean etc. but I would just tell my partner off in a ' you could have said earlier for goodness sake way', not flying into a rage and issuing ultimatums.
I can't believe your dh is really fine with all this and it's over and you'll have a nice holiday. I would be very pissed off with how you've reacted if I was your dh. He must be very tolerant/used to you being batshit mental.
But surely anyone reasonable can understand why the OP doesn't want a snoopy person snooping round her personal belongings!?!?!?!
She is NOT batshit mental?! I honestly don't get how people are saying the OP is unreasonable. This woman is not a 'normal' MIL (ie. nice, helpful etc) she is nosy, judgemental and has a distinct lack of boundaries! WHY would anyone welcome someone like this into their house when they are away?
And I would be on the phone to a divorce lawyer if my DH had done this to me, how dismissive of him. OP I am SO with you on this.
CaptainKirk - of course she invited herself!
Someone says to you - would you like to come and stay? They have invited you.
You say to someone - can I come and stay? You have invited yourself.
And who is being manipulative now with all that shite? "You'll get phone calls the day before anticipated visits you've really looked forward to saying you're not welcome". Well no, you're not welcome when you've invited yourself to stay, for some unknown reason, in someone else's house when they are not even there, and will be likely to spend hours riffling through their personal things.
OP, you were not U. Hope you have a good holiday
and check under the bin before you leave.
Bugsy I haven't said anywhere that I don't believe the OP.
The thread is moving quickly and I was also on the phone while reading and typing. Lots of x-posts took place, which I acknowledged, including the one where the OP said he had forgotten to tell her.
I stand by my last post. Having someone spend three weeks in your home, whether you are there or not, is something that you both should be in agreement with.
And the OP wasn't given the opportunity to discuss it.
Saying that doesn't mean I don't believe the OP when she says he forgot to tell her rather than he deliberately kept it from her.
But it doesn't make it any less true that she wasn't given the opportunity to discuss it until the night before all this was due to happen.
I wouldn't like it if some one did my cleaning and ironing etc when I was away like some people are saying. I'd take it that they thought I was a lazy bugger.
Which I am, but that's not their right to'fix'.
I would be happy for my parents or even friends to stay in my house, just not the in laws. It's hard to put across to others who don't have irritating PIL how uptight they make you.
Op still hasn't said whether she'd be as 'female and terratorial' ( ) if it was her own mother who had asked to stay.
I hope you've packed a cople of books to pass the time op, cos after the way you've behaved towards your dh's mother I think you'll find there may be some awkward silences on this holiday......
Fwiw, I don't think you were unreasonable to want to be asked, as you say it's your home, but have you stopped to consider why your dh didn't ask you? Maybe he knew you'd react as childishly as this. Perhaps if you were a bit more adult about things he would have discussed it with you before now and you could have calmly put your points across and hopefully would have got your own way, and fair play to you. Instead you have come across as extremely controlling and unwelcoming.
I've apologised to DH for going off on one earlier, he's said it's ok PIL understood & he said tomo is new day. Thanks for all your input & support
Nope not mil! I just don't get the problem, to me there is no problem.
There is a difference between ' you are going away for 3 weeks let me stay in your house' and ' oh you are away for 3 weeks would you like us to stay and look after things'.
Op has not said which way this was said and her reasons for snoopyness is just ridiculous.
Op, I feel sorry for your dh and mil, you sound controlling and paranoid.
There is so much mil bashing on here it in unreal
Who's been rude? Disagreeing with somebody and saying that you think they behaved badly is rude, is it?
OP - I'm glad you have apologised to your dh, but I'm amazed that he has let you manipulate all this to get your own way tbh.
Anyway, it is bedtime - have a nice holiday.
another who thinks yabu, he agreed they could stay (should have mentioned it to you before last minute!) but you really have not been at all nice about his mother (no mention of fil?) and I haven't read anything too awful about her here. I would have been v unimpressed with my dh in these circs but to have him call his mother to call it off at this stage is a bit much.
I can understand the OP's reluctance to have her personal space invaded. Why should she hand over her home to her MIL? It isn't reasonable for MIL to suggest it.
Something similar happened to me when I was living abroad for a year before I married my now exh. He came out to visit me for a couple of months and let his sister live in our flat while he was away.
I didn't find out he'd done this until he told me months later when I came back to my home and found several sets of my bedding left dirty and stuffed into the back of my wardrobe and the bath stained with black hair dye.
Like the OP I was furious that he hadn't asked me first and had he asked me I too would have refused. She doesn't like her MIL so why would she want her living in her house, possibly sleeping in her bed.
People are different.
I grew up in a family where you would never go into someone else's bedroom without knocking, you'd never go rooting around in their wardrobes or drawers. You'd ask them if it was ok. As a result, if I'm at someone else's house, I would never dream of looking in their bedroom or wandering into rooms without checking it was ok.
My MIL is different. Although she would hate it if anyone did it to her, she seems to have no sense of boundaries when it comes to her adult children. She would open a shut door. If you left her alone to go grab something from upstairs she'd be in the kitchen by the time you got back, looking in your cupboards. If left alone in the house she would be into everything, reading mail, rearranging all your belongings. The next family dinner she'd decide to start a conversation about the pile cream she found in your bathroom cabinet or how she had to ask her friend who works in the doctors' surgery what those tablets she found in your bedside drawer were for or how you should really buy some new underwear because some of it's getting a bit raggedy. She has no shame.
She has done it to all her DC. Over time they've all managed (with difficulty) to put some boundaries in place. She sulks about it.
YANBU. Some of us are more territorial about our personal space then others. I would hate to have anyone in my home, with access to everything, when I'm not there. I wouldn't let my own mother stay because she'd look at and judge everything and then gossip about everything she'd found. I'd hate that and it would spoil my holiday knowing it was going on.
People are saying the OP is bats hit mental for reacting the way she did. Perhaps her reaction has a lot to do with the fact that she was not consulted about something her DH obviously knew she wouldn't like but did regardless. And saying she's manipulated him? HE manipulated HER by agreeing to it, not mentioning it till the last second, saying he'd call to cancel when he had no intention of doing so.
YANBU I wouldn't want my PIL to stay at my house when I wasn't there. High walls make great neighbours and all. Your MIL probably thinks that it is her sons house so she can root through what she likes. If and when I am a MIL I may feel the same and not like it, but that does't mean that I am in the right. I would never dream of going into my PIL's bedroom, opening a drawer or staying in their house when they are not there unless I was desperate for shelter and expect the same courtesy.
I can't believe the OP is getting called all sorts for not wanting someone in her home, without invitation, while the family are away.
And even more gobsmacked nobody considers the request to be oddball to start with. Surely the only answer to such a weird request is 'Why?'
OP, you haven't been mean about MIL at all. And you certainly haven't been manipulative. And definitely not U.
Have a nice time!
I wouldn't like it tbh.
My house gets a good deep clean before I go away for when I get back!
It would make me jumpy all holiday knowing someone was messing it up.
We use house sitters while we are away several times a year so have no problem with people coming into our home. They look after our animals and add security which is important as we live in a high crime area. We honestly couldn't go away and leave the house empty for two weeks. If we lived in a low crime area perhaps it would be different.
Having said all that, it has to feel right, we have cancelled house sitters in the past when it just didn't feel right. They have to be respectful and have boundaries otherwise its intrusive.
The OP has been given a hard time here here, if she feels that its not right then its not right. Her DH should have consulted her, it should have been a joint decision. Yes, it could have been handled better but its her right to refuse.
Anyway OP, I'm glad it's resolved for you. Have a restful holiday and FWIW I wouldn't have my PILs house sitting for me for exactly the same reasons as you.
I am another one who thinks the OP has been given a hard time. I can't believe the DH agreed to it and was so slow in sorting it out. The PIL were extremely cheeky and risked their DS's relationship for their own selfish ends.
I am glad it has all been resolved and hope you have a good holiday OP after all this stress.
Lineup. I a with you...not weird at all.
But in defense of your husband he is probably trying to pleae his mil and no doubt does not do the work involved I cleaning a house for spectators.
We are going on holiday and he casually suggested we let family stay in our home.....lovely people we have met once before.....but he didn,t want to stay at their place...we visit their area...as that would be too much trouble...but happy to put me to the trouble of deep cleaning our house so he can help them out with free accommodation.
With two little kids the truth is my house has areas of hidden mess I do not want another person viewing and having opinions on...so I would be forced to do a massive stressful pre holiday clean...what a way to start a holiday. Yanbu.
Maybe the people on here who all have people in their houses have really tidy homes.
Or they don,t care if people see their mess.
I suspect the op is not like that with two small children.
Her mil can come visit when she is there.......it is a pretty cheeky request.....if someone offers it that is different.
Happy holiday op.
You are not a loon or a nutcase but a perfectly reasonable mother who does not feel like working her arse off to prepare her home to be used as a free holiday home for people who have their own home.
Whilst in early pregnancy. Let us not forget that.
Tell the dh never to do this kind of thing again....but he was nbu either, probably just a laid back bloke who does not have to deal with the consequences of his offer, because he probably does the non lion,s share of all the ruddy work that goes into running and keeping a household in even the most basic order.
Have a good relaxing Holiday OP and ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))
My own Mum was the snoop. I am solidly on Team OP
If you don't want them, and think they will snoop, then just refuse.
Mine used to stay and it was lovely because we came back to a clean, tidy house with the garden all up to date- but they were not people to snoop. I miss it now that they are elderly and can't do it.
God, it never ceases to amaze me how different people are.
I have a nice house with a big garden in a nice town. I also am incredibly lucky and have a house abroad.
Any of my friends or family who wants to stay is welcome.
They are my friends and my family. Why would I say no?
And if mil was snoopy then she should be ashamed, not me.
We are away now. Ds1 and some friends are at our house. When we go away next my mother will probably stay.
It's my home. It's not a fortress. I would hate to have to feel so defensive/protective of my privacy that I couldn't let people stay.
Page you are lovely I think the difference here is OP needing to lock up her documents and journels and bills.
Agrees with Pagwatch. You put it better than me.
Nah - my mum leaves my house looking cleaner than I ever do. I should pay her really
But the bit I don't get ginger is why the op has to keep things secret. Am honestly racking my brains about what my mil or mum or anyone else doesn't know already.
I've had my MIL to stay when we were away and it was brilliant! She had a lovely time and did lots of day trips and then (really) deep cleaned my house for me while we were away. Coming back to an immaculate house was almost better than going on holiday!
I find it nice to have the house occupied. People are constantly giving the opinion that you shouldn't say on FB that you are on holiday because it is an invitation to burglars- but I can't see why burglars assume the house is empty- they would get a shock at our house!
When I say that my PIL looked after the house,it was my PIL from my first marriage- it worked brilliantly.
*I can't believe the OP is getting called all sorts for not wanting someone in her home, without invitation, while the family are away.
And even more gobsmacked nobody considers the request to be oddball to start with. Surely the only answer to such a weird request is 'Why?'
OP, you haven't been mean about MIL at all. And you certainly haven't been manipulative. And definitely not U.
Have a nice time!*
Could not agree more! Hope you and DH have lovely relaxing hols OP.
My dsis has no concept of boundaries a bit like your MIL, she will go through our documents, then discuss them with us, rearrange the kitchen, making me hunt for things for ages- that's when she is just visiting and we're in the house but just in another room. She did once suggest house sitting, bringing all her animals with her, strangely haven't taken her up on it. Other people I would let stay, but not a known snoop.
The OP is only 9 weeks pg - she may well be waiting for scans before telling anyone. MIL will snoop so will probably find hospital letters etc. OP should just enjoy her holiday and dh should learn to discuss things with her first.
I haven't called the op names and I wouldn't dream of doing so. I too hope she has a nice holiday.
That doesn't mean I am not a bit baffled.
But it occurs to me that my family and friends are spread out. I might ask to stay in my mums house for example if she were away so I could easily visit oxford or other places in that area.
Is some of the differing opinion based around those whose mils live around the corner and those who live in a different county?
(Although the ops indignation that mil might use her spa bath definately leaves me baffled. Being horrified that someone might use your spa bath is a bit odd surely)
What a complete over reaction - perhaps your DH considers his parents to be more important than your friends.
And as you have said that they live 300 miles away and never visit don't I don't understand when MIL will be in a position to judge?
I think you may come to look on this with embarassment in years to come.
In reference to the spa bath it does sound a bit odd but if you have a snoopy, snidey or interferring relative everything gets blown out of proportion. MIL was playing hide and seek with DD a few years ago and hid in my bed, under the covers. I really wasn't amused, but if was anyone else it probably wouldn't have annoyed me.
I don't let MIL use certain mugs in the house either Though this was the woman that told people I was dead and she was moving in with DH and the DDs to be their new mummy.
Actually coco the spa bath thing made me roar!. Is that bad?
I would hate for either my mum or my MIL to stay in my house. MIL stayed a couple of years ago while she was having a new kitchen fitted, it was only for 10 days or so but I hated every second of it. It did actually damage our relationship practically beyond repair.
I like my own space and need privacy, neither mum or MIL are welcome to stay when I'm at home, let alone if I was away. The idea makes me go cold inside.
I don't have a good relationship with either of them so am very aware that this does cloud my judgement. Although, I have a really close friend with a holiday home, she has offered it to us on several occasions but I wouldn't feel comfortable being there without her.
I don't like staying in other peoples homes either. Maybe I do actually have issues!
I'm not the person to ask. I turned into Sheldon Cooper when I came in and saw MIL sitting in my seat on the sofa with her shoes off and feet up.
I also Frebreeze any seat she's sat on when she goes
coco she told people you were dead?
Oh My Good God!
She is absolutely as mad as a box of frogs, how on earth do you cope with her?
What I find so very depressing is that the the OP's dp is supposed to treat his own parents as if they were his in laws! Why on earth does the woman have a veto?
Can you imagine the thread "we're going away and as my mum needs a break I've said she can stay in our house while we're away, but DP doesn't want her to, and is insisting that I cancel at the last minute. AIBU to think he's being a controlling arse?"
I hope the OP is having a lovely holiday. In the meantime do we think the split in opinion here coincides with the shoes on shoes, off split?
I am a shoes on unless you want particularly to take them off and family and friends can and do stay at ours when we're away.
I don't understand the people who say wait till you are a mil and then what you'd feel like if your dil did this to you? I am a mil and have been twice over for over 10 years and if my dil - who is lovely but does have her 'ways' that she is teased about-- did this I wouldn't think oh no she hates me what have I done wrong, I would think ok her house, fair enough. we have been through times when they had babies for example when they didn't want us visiting and that was fine - lovely that they wanted to be a family - I don't take it as a slight, it is life and as adults they have a right to say how they want their lives to be , we get lovely times with them all and we are not judged by them if we say no to babysitting, moneylending etc etc.
Hope you have a lovely holiday OP and glad it is sorted out.xxx
Haha at febreeze.
She does sound grim Coco.
Parents, in-laws, siblings on both sides all very welcome to use our home when we aren't there (and have done). They're family ffs, if you don't look after your family where does that leave you!
Half the planet are probably living with parents/in laws anyway, it seems quite a Western thing to reduce the concept of family right down to you, your partner and children and then to sit in your house with the drawbridge pulled up feeling precious about privacy. Besides, having them visit when you're not their sounds ideal to me, you do a good deed but don't risk getting under each other's feet!
Anyway, good to see the flood of people desperately trying to escalate things for the OP and turn a drama into a crisis! Must be a fair few people on this thread disappointed not to have more updates of blazing rows and divorce to
enjoy sympathise with over a cup of tea.
I don't think it's that strange a thing to do, can be a nice holiday going to a different place and being away from your own home even if its not touristy.
he's just made be breakfast in bed & we're all packed up. Drama over!
Yes curlew! That thread would have gone very differently.
Anyway why the hell am I looking at this thread again, I had enough of it last night and here I am again?
And meanwhile your MIL is having to unpack the luggage she packed to come and stay at your house because only 12 hours before you are due to go on your holiday you decided she wasn't welcome.
Aaahhhh leave the thread Kirk, leave it.
Yes she is, Captain, however she is welcome to visit any other time when DCs are around, will make her visit truly special when we are actually here, wont it?!
Love it when the person who completely got their own way says "Drama over!"
Well I'm sure you will make her really special, seeing as you have such a wonderful relationship with her.
Wondering of your next thread will be 'AIBU MIL wants to come to stay for 3 weeks while we are here!'. You'll be wishing you let her stay while you were away!
Drama over? The drama that you created, then stamped your feet like a toddler until your husband was sent scurrying off to deliver your message? Well after all you are NINE WEEKS PREGNANT.
I've been at reading this all the way through - because I just don't get the territorial privacy thing. If I've got something I am embarrassed about and you find it the problem is all yours - and you can never admit to having seen it! Imagine!
However, faith in humanity is restored reading pagwatch's post. That is exactly how I am too. It's just a house. They're just things. Anyone of my friends or family is welcome to my house anytime they want/need it if I'm not here. Or sometimes even if I am. I love having a houseful!
I cope with MIL by hardly seeing her and being pig ignorant to her when I do. I have no shame .
Enjoy your holiday lineup .
Does anyone have a DM or mil who would like to come and clean my house? I promise to leave lots of juicy stuff around for them to snoop at...
I think this is all connected with our boundaries. I was never allowed friends to play when growing up as my DM said our house wasn't clean/tidy enough.
Yes I too have trouble understanding the mindset of a m-I-l hellbent on 'visiting' when none of her DCs or DGCs are actually there. Especially when they live a long way away so don't actually see them very often.
I have an adult son with two DCs who lives a long way away. I wouldn't dream of wasting a precious visit on a week when they were away. I always check both DGCs and my son will be around before I plan a visit.
I also think it's an odd request tbh.
She needs a break, so she'll run up her son's bills for three weeks & save her own!!
I have let my pil stay in the house when we are away but that was because they were very kindly looking after our dc,not sure why ,unless you were in a tourist area, people would want to stay in house I find this very odd.They have a perfectly good house of their own .
MalcolmTucker that's fine but not everyone is quite so open plus you are assuming that they won't be able to admit it but what is clear is that some people have no shame about not just admitting they snooped but telling others what they have found
Whist I think the OP did lose her rag a bit, if I had been told with only 12 hours notice that someone was staying in my house I would be horrified , I think it's probably because I am quite private , also the idea of someone looking at my mail,bank statements ,underwear drawer makes me feel physically ill.
I cope with MIL by hardly seeing her and being pig ignorant to her when I do. I have no shame
I must be very odd - we always ask my PIL if they want to stay in the house at all while we're away (sometimes they ask) and I'm quite pleased when they say yes as I know they'll be there keeping an eye on things.
We are the opposite. We regularly cat sit at inlaws whilst they go on holiday. They had some DVDs of ours and DP asked her mum where they were. And following her instructions "in a box in my wardrobe", stared looking. DP was underwhelmed when a vibrator fell into her head from a box
Outtolunch - I think I did have a physical reaction to the news, in more ways than one. Panic and rage all rolled into one.
Others - It's a lived in house with young children, bits and pieces everywhere, it's our HOME, not a hotel, nor a place to use whilst we're away unfortunately. Last night neither of us had the energy to do a huge cleanup of bathrooms/bedrooms/kitchen cupboards to accomodate MIL on this occasion.
I'm not one of those people who can just let snoopy types into my home when I'm not there. It's just a boundary issue, as yes I am a very private person, sometimes it's a good thing, other times not so good obviously
I agree outto but given that it was an unusual request and also that the dh behaved badly by not checking with op I still cannot believe she has had him call his mother with 12 hrs notice to cancel the whole thing, which he had agreed to. op it's nice you've had breakfast in bed and I hope you enjoy your holiday but while your dh was unreasonable I think you have surpassed him!
But Betternc4this that makes a couple of assumptions - firstly that the number of visits is limited and secondly that the MIL was 'hellbent'
It sounds as though mil said 'can I stay' and DH said 'sure' .
And my mother stayed two weeks ago. She is coming to stay again end of August.if she had wanted to stay this week while we are away it wouldn't have been at the expense of seeing the children.
I still want to know why the dp doesn't seem to have any say or rights in the matter. It's his house too, presumably.
Oh come on-MIL was trying it on!
It shouldn't affect her at all that she has been told at the last minute, that actually no, they don't want her there when they are not there afterall.
he did have a say, he understood that if he wanted it to go ahead, he would be the one who would have to clear out the guest room/clean up on a massive scale last night
he chose to phone his mother instead
"Oh come on-MIL was trying it on!
It shouldn't affect her at all that she has been told at the last minute, that actually no, they don't want her there when they are not there afterall."
Really? Well, I suppose if your're of the "MILs are a different type of animals without any feelings to hurt" persuasion.....
"he did have a say, he understood that if he wanted it to go ahead, he would be the one who would have to clear out the guest room/clean up on a massive scale last night"
That's having a say????????
yes it is Curlew, if he wanted them to stay then the preparations for their visit would have been entirely up to him to sort out, and seeing that it was such short notice, he soon realised that it wasn't worth the stress of doing the house cleanup in a panic PLUS packing preparing for the trip today
But the OP was imposing conditions on him inviting people to stay in his home..........
why do you get to say a unilateral NO?
isnt it your family home? the home that you and your husband share? that he should have equal say in?
why do you get to say NO, stamp your feet and make threats?
they are his parents, its his home as well.
no, curlew, OP was telling him that the house ought to be in a presentable state for guests, and at such short notice, she couldnt assist
he realised that the easier option would be to just cancel it - he would have had to do too much late last night. by himself.
There was no reason for MIL to stay-other than the fact that she wanted to.
So, no, she shouldn't be upset just because she didn't get
a snooping opportunity her own way.
i didnt stamp feet, make threats, I protected our privacy rather than give in to a demanding MIL who had no need to visit when we're not here. I negotiated with him and we agreed, in the end, that it made more sense to cancel it. we are still friends, happy atmosphere this morning all is well. DH is not scarred for life. He thought it was hilarious apparently, in its triviality.
I think if your house needs a clean up on a "massive scale" before having close family to stay then maybe you need to consider getting some help in your house. I have three children under 6 and it would take 30 mins of low level cleaning/tidying to accommodate unexpected guests.
And I'm surprised you'd be happy to return from holiday to your house being in this hellish state you're leaving it in.
I guess the red herring was that it was a privacy thing. It's actually just another 'I hate my mil' thing.
It's fine if you hate your mil. But dressing it up as privacy, boundaries etc was a bit unnecessary.
I was baffled for ages about what the possible downside could be when actually 'I hate my mil' explains all.
Blimey, lego, are you one of those people who hovers themselves out of the door backwards when they go on holiday?
It's lovely for all the posters saying "can't see the problem", "isn't this what you do for family". That's great for you that you have family who you love and who will respect your home. Good for you.
However you are not the OP and you don't know her mil or her family setup. If she doesn't want them in the house at such short notice then why should she. My husband would never, never do this to me because all family decisions are joint decisions. A compromise may be reached, but not with so little time to work it out.
I'm a mil too and can't imagine ever making a request to stay in my daughters house without a very good reason. It's rude, even for close family.
I would totally freak out at the thought of anyone being in my house while I was on holiday and at such short notice. I would need at least a month to clean everything in sight. It's just the way I am and the OP appears to be the same.
We once let my brother and his girlfriend house sit for us and I would never, never do it again. They were in grotty accommodation and it suited us for some reason that I now forget. We don't smoke, they did, but I asked them not to do it in the house. We came back to an empty house, all windows wide open to clear the house of cigarette smoke and permanent heat marks on our very nice dining table (the only decent piece of furniture we had). My brother is lovely, but I felt like he had no respect for us or our house.
Apart from all of the above, my house is my sanctuary and somewhere to retreat to. For various reasons we have needed this a lot recently. We have overnight visitors all the time, but I would hate them to be there when we are away.
Have a lovely holiday OP.
no pag, i dont hate MIL, i just dont want houseguests when I'm not here! Drama much?
and Laundry, the house is in a presentable state before we leave, all tidy, just not to the level required and expected of a houseproud MIL who notices every ounce of dust and notes it
but equally I dont hate her. She just isnt as relaxed domestically as we are
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Wow, I'm amazed this is a contentious issue... no way in hell would I want anyone snooping around my house while I was away! Regarding who gets the final say, in my relationship arrangements are generally by mutual agreement - so if DH wants to do something and I do too/ am neutral about it/ don't mind too much then we'd do it, but if either of us felt very strongly against something it doesn't happen. Surely that's normal? Why should OP go along with something that she is extremely uncomfortable about, when presumably her DH doesn't feel equally strongly that people must stay in their house while they're away?
Anyway, glad you got it sorted, enjoy the holiday
surburban lol! That could not be further from the truth. I have a cleanish/tidyish house. My point was not that my house is immaculate but instead that in my house I'm happy with how things are, and am happy for guests in my home to accept how things are. I don't mind a bit of mess for guests.
The op was saying what a huge amount of cleaning it would need to make her house acceptable for her in laws to visit. So does that not suggest that she isn't satisfied with how it is at the moment? Another red herring I think.
OP I think if you weren't comfortable with the idea then you had every right to speak up.
I don't have an 'open house' policy like some but if MIL or parents asked to stay while on holiday I'd need weeks to prepare. I would be pissed off to only be told the night before.
I don't think I would have got DH to cancel for fear of upsetting MIL.
What reason did he give her?
The cleanest my house ever is is when I'm going on holiday. I like to come back to a spotless house
You would let your friends stay
You think she is only coming to snoop
You threaten to cancel the holiday rather than let her stay.
Yep. You really like her.
Agree with CaptainCalamari that either person should get to veto something if it makes them unhappy. Plus no-one is obliged to have a houseguest or give a reason for it! If they don't want someone to stay, they don't have to have them there. Nothing weird about that! And nothing to do to with the amount of cleaning that does or doesn't have to be done. It's about personal choice and control over your own family space!
It doesn't really matter that other people would be ok with this does it? OP wasn't and therefore no one should stay at the home without both partners consent.
If I was happy for my mum to stay here and dh wasn't then it wouldn't happen, these things imo require both peoples consent, not just one.
Does it really matter if her house is messy and that is one of the reasons why she didn't want her to stay? Who said it was in a 'hellish state'? my house is not a state at all but if my MIL was to stay I would probably want it to be even tidier and move certain things I didn't want her to see.
I don't get why OP is getting a hard time
well except it is MN's and sometimes people seem to want to be bitchy for no real reason
I agree op with you. If have a hissy fit too for any guest to stay in my house without me having ample opportunity to do a massive clean up first and hide everything to show home standards.
If your house isn't on Malibu beach / tourist trail et al type then it's weird to stay in it when you as owner isn't there. Visits of that type need planning. Not oooh by the way...
Quintessentially? I think you are coming across as really weird to be honest.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting someone to stay in your home.
Different people live in different ways
In my house DC get at least 2 hours of outside time in garden/park daily (supervised)
We have home cooked food that they help prepare (takes a lot l
We meet up with friends 3-4 times a week
House work is fit around these core things.
I do laundry daily, wash the floor daily but it's messy!
ILs/SIL prioritise a tidy house. Do v little socialising. Kids don't help with chores or have much exercise.
Their houses are spotless though.
So when MIL tidied my house/irons I do feel judged.
We just live differently
Great thread. There's clearly a division of opinion and so the rational way to disagree is "personally it wouldn't cause me a problem but then I'm not in your shoes".
Instead the thread is sliding towards mild abuse because some posters can't accept that, compared to themselves, the OP might have a different way of looking at the world, and might be in a different set of circumstances.
I'm particularly amused to see some posters annoyed that the OP seems to have reached a solution that she and her husband are happy with. That seems to have got right up a fair few noses.
In the same vein, good post firesidechat.
I wouldn't want anyone here without me unless they were dog/cat sitting or it was an emergency.
Others don't feel the same-but don't seem to be able to express that without being rude to OP
I do however think the best outcome would have been for your husband to get his finger out and tidy up through the night. That's now his problem though as that was a fair solution
Have a good holiday anyway
Just wanted to add my support OP, as my MIL has wildly differing views on 'keeping house' to me and (most of) my friends
She would comment on sheets and duvet covers not being ironed before being put away
She would comment on the tops of cupboards not being dusted
She would comment on the lack of flowers in the borders in our garden
She would comment on there being 'too much' food in our freezer
She would comment on the number of shoes and clothes I own
She would go through our paperwork and bank statements and proper go onto comparethemarket to make sure we are getting the best deals on everything. She did this when we took her out to dinner and she saw which credit card we used.
And I would get a lecture on the proper role of a wife, and whether I would better off spending less time at work (so I can spend all my money on shoes, obv) so I can spend more time doing proper household chores like ironing sheets, gardening and cooking fresh food from scratch every night of the week.
Or, I could supervise her when she is in the house, so she is under the impression that sheets are ironed and the fridge is groaning with un-frozen meat and vegetables.
For those of you without snoopy relatives, be grateful! But many of us really don't want another copy of household management guides for Christmas, or to be asked in front of other relatives whether we have thought about our remortgage because she noticed our fix is up soon.
I've been lurking on this thread since last night and have been riveted reading this but have also found it quite depressing. It's amazing how much animosity some people have for their own extended families.
I find it really sad that people have this view that the OP should take precedence over her DHs own mother (one poster wrote something like how dare he put his parents before you). To be honest that is a much more manipulative, controlling and downright nasty attitude to have then the initial actions and attitude of the OPs DH who many on here found appalling. Why should he not allow the woman who gave birth to him and the two people who raised him and probably have invested (in money, time and emotion) the most in him to stay in his house. I am very close to my family and if I ever felt that my DH objected to that I would consider that an unforgivable flaw.
Also what is the big hangup about snooping. So what? I recently stayed at my dsis whilst she was away on holiday with her DH and I had full run of her house and was going through all her things. Mainly because I was looking after her two dcs both under 5 who have a tendency to empty cupboards and drawers. You would probably consider that snooping but if anyone's going to know private details of your life (within reason) surely it should be your own flesh and blood. I'm a private person too but there were more diplomatic ways you could have resolved this dispute. I'm blessed to have a lovely mil who was stayed over at mine more then my own mother and I wouldn't think twice about letting her stay in my empty house.
'Maybe if you managed to keep your house presentable and tidy'
Quintessential, what a bitchy thing to say.
The OP has explained her levels of tidiness and how they match (or don't) with her MIL's. This is only one of several good reasons why she wouldn't want the inlaws or various other people staying in her house while she was away.
I do think though, OP, that the correct attitude to people judging you on your house's tidiness and what laundry products you use etc is 'Fuck 'em'. But I understand that you have other reasons for not liking people staying when you're not there.
Interesting that your husband was all for it until the cleaning and tidying became HIS job...
Interesting that your husband was all for it until the cleaning and tidying became HIS job...
My philosophy of life is very much based on the Ladybird book The Little Red Hen LadyClariceCannockMonty.
Seeing as the phrase bat shit mental has been brought up a couple of times since I said it, I thought I'd clarify. I don't think the of is batshit for not wanting her mil in her house while she's away, I think it's odd she'd have a problem with it, but each to her own.
It's her reaction that I find batshit. She's said her dh wasn't being manipulative or malicious, he simply forget to mention it. I imagine he didn't see it as a big deal, so it wasn't at the forefront of his mind.
She's also said that she argued with him several times over it, and demanded he either phoned his own mother the night before she was due to come and tell her she wasnt welcome or to deep clean the house (at 10pm when he seemed to be in the middle of packing up the car).
I don't find that a proportionate or reasonable way to treat your partner. She could have just thought that he made a mistake in telling her that late, but its too late to do anything about it without causing upset, and let it go and make sure he knew for next time. As I said, if I was her dh, I wouldn't be happy with her. And I stand by that he is either an incredibly tolerant man, or is used to her throwing such hissy fits. I certainly wouldn't be bringing the op breakfast in bed.
So which is it?
Is it "I am not comfortable with people being in my house when I'm not here"?
Or is it "I don't like or trust MIL not to snoop about or judge my housekeeping, but other people might be OK"?
You'd think that having been married 10 years your DH would know how you felt about these topics?
I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I too, would feel the need to leave a really tidy and clean house for pil. Not that they would judge particularly but I always tidy for their visits, much more than I would my own family. My family already know I'm a skanky mare. I want my pil to think better of me
I can understand why people wouldn't want someone, they know will snoop. I'm now wondering about my sense in leaving a key for various neighbours to feed the cat
The reason that the OP takes precedence over DHs mother is that it is her house, along with the DH of course. If the DH was so set on keeping his mum happy and having her stay, he could have sorted out the spare room and done a bit of cleaning. He obviously didn't want it that much.
I would guess that it would be the OPs job to run round with the clean bedding and bleach, so she has a big say in what happens. I may be wrong about the division of labour in their house though.
Anyway it's all sorted, so no point in anyone getting their knickers in a twist over it now.
peacefuloptimist, with all due respect, you admit you have a 'lovely MIL', so I might suggest that you can't comprehend having one who isn't lovely.
This isn't about letting YOUR MIL stay. This is about letting someone who isn't lovely stay.
Just out of interest, what would you do if you found out your MIL had started telling her friends that she thought you were in financial difficulties, or that you had landed your DH in a load of debt because of your shopping habits, because she had rifled through drawers and found a credit card statement, and 'only people with financial difficulties use credit cards'
Or if she told her hairdresser that she was worried about her GCs because she didn't feel they were being fed properly because she noticed lots of portions of cooked food in the freezer?
Would you be annoyed about this?
Blimey, lots of controlling protectiveness on this thread.
People wouldn't want their in laws using teir utilities??
OPs MIL might use her bubble bath??
DH has to clean out cupboards before guest can stay??
Guest are given tea in front room so they don't see the messy kitchen??
New bedroom was ruined as step son was a,lowed to see it and bounced on bed??
MIL lay on bed and read to grandchildren??
Bastard FIL hoovered bedroom in preparation for return of new baby??
Some of these families may be difficult, but actually many posters on here sound like they may be the impossibly difficult ones who families have to pussy foot around them and never know how they'll next take offence.
The fact the OPs DH was told he had to clean out all the cupboards before his mother was allowed to stay says it all to me - either the house is a pigsty or the OP is weirdly controlling intense and difficult.
Controlling intense and difficult..MIL threads of the future can be predicted...
That was in reply to peacefuloptimist by the way.
I find it really sad that people have this view that the OP should take precedence over her DHs own mother (one poster wrote something like how dare he put his parents before you).
nauticant, excuse my ignorance but I don't know The Little Red Hen
I'm wondering whether those of you for whom this would be no big deal, are the type who regularly have other people in your house anyway - babysitters/cleaners/tradesmen....so the idea of people seeing your stuff is no biggie.
I don't understand the folk who are delighted to come back to a house that has been deep cleaned by MIL in their absence - does that not feel like a judgement - they are doing their poor son a favour to make up for the slattern he lives with?
and as for the MIL who hides in DS and DIL's bed and tells her friends her DIL is dead and she is going to be the DGCs new mummy - WTF????
I would let my mother and my MIL stay in my house if they really needed to but in a case like this it doesn't seem there is any reason to do it apart from just wanting to which is a bit odd.
Here's a (horribly cutesy) version LadyClariceCannockMonty:
Thanks nauticant. Le Little Red Hen, c'est moi
Why is it odd to want a free mini break- change of scene?
Lineup I love 'domestically relaxed' lol
You were given a hard time (I think a lot of those posters are surely MIL's themselves) but you were DNBU. Okay it is her sons home but it is yours too and you have every right to have a say in who can live in it, whether you are there or not.
And I would have done exactly the same as you.
So glad it is sorted and hope you have a lovely holiday.
Yes, have a stress-free holiday even if that will annoy some on here.
If you were to feel judged for someone cleaning your house after staying there, I think that says more about you and your self esteem. I would just see it as a lovely gesture, a thanks for letting us stay, or I recognise its lovely to come home to a clean house and I wanted to do that for you.
If ever I go to my parents when they're away, I always leave the house clean, any washing in the basket done and put away, and make sure there's food and milk in the fridge, as I think it's nice to come home to. Not that I think they are slatterns.
When my mil recently stayed to puppy sit over night while we were away, I noticed she'd hoovered and cleaned the kitchen. I thought it was very sweet of her, and the sort of thing I would do for her.
Wow. And I always thought I was a bit only-childish and bad at sharing things. This wouldn't bother me, really. I agree MIL sounds very trying, but if this issue is her judging you, well she's going to judge you whatever you do or don't do if she's that sort person. As for the snooping per se - what do you have to hide? And would you ever know anyway? If she's stupid enough to ever mention something she found through snooping, then you can bawl her out about it. If she doesn't, does it really matter? I have house sitters in whenever we go away - they could be doing all sorts for all I know, but there's never any sign of anything untoward so I'm happy. (And I can be pretty precious about my house - coasters under drinks, shoes off at front door etc!)
Family is family - often deeply irritating but a lot of the time you just have to put up with it. It must be very hard for your DH to tell her she can't (with no really good reason).
That said, I would flatly refuse to allow my own parents unsupervised in my house for even 5 minutes, but that's because they're both totally incompetent and would probably leave the front door open all night or burn the place down.
peacefuloptimist er, because it's not his house, it's their house? I find your view of the world, where the wife here is just a kind of shadowy add-on compared to the really important people in a man's life, as sad as you find those other views. Respect towards your spouse's parents is good, but always putting your parents'
odd requests needs above your spouse's does not make for a good marriage.
Also, I see you're a 'private person' but still went through all your SIL's stuff.. I hope she's not a 'private person'
or on here reading this
"If you were to feel judged for someone cleaning your house after staying there, I think that says more about you and your self esteem. I would just see it as a lovely gesture, a thanks for letting us stay, or I recognise its lovely to come home to a clean house and I wanted to do that for you."
surely it would depend on lots of things. If someone came to clean my house then they would have to move and re-arrange quite a lot of clutter. I would like to live a more clutter free life but I wouldn't want someone else deciding what was to go or stay or be packed away.
If they came and ran the hoover about and cleaned the bath then fine but some people might put away clothes, rearrange drawers and sort out food cupboards. That would make me very uncomfortable.
I always imagine that the people who don't mind having their houses cleaned by others probably already have fairly neat orderly homes and so they are really just talking about a bit of polishing and hoovering.
I would be fine with pretty much anyone coming to stay in my house EXCEPT MY MUM, who like the mothers of lots of posters upthread snoops, reads cards, looks at bank statements, comments on the state of the house etc. I am not uptight, but she pisses me off with her lack of boundaries. Doesn't mean I wouldn't let someone else stay, I would.
Euph - please do not misquote me to add your own emphasis - I did not call my hoovering FIL a bastard. ever. He was lovely (RIP). I acknowledged his good intentions, but said it felt like an invasion of privacy that he was in our personal room without our knowledge, also felt like a judgement of my housekeeping - and there could have been all manner of things we did not want him to see.
Well exactly DuellingFanjo. I couldn't imagine saying to anyone, even if they lived in a luxury home in the most touristy of tourist places, "Here, is it okay for us to live in your gaff while you're on holiday?". I just would not invite myself.
What is even more bizarre is OP says they don't have a fantastic house anywhere remarkable or touristy, so why on earth does MIL want to travel 300 miles to stay there? If you're going to make the effort to travel that distance to your son's ordinary, non descript (sorry OP!) home then why the hell would you not do it when they're actually there. You know, visiting your family like normal people do?
Totally nasty slagging of OP going on here. Have a good holiday and forget about all this.
I completely understand where you are coming from, OP. I definitely wouldn't have had MIL staying here, and neither would DH! She is very judgmental and doesn't know boundaries.
My DM could stay whenever she wanted. We have stayed at DB and SIL's house a couple of times while they were away. We definitely didn't snoop and made sure the house was at least as clean as when they left it.
DB once had a gf who was a snoop. It was horrible. You knew you couldn't live how you wanted if she came to stay as she would look at all the letters left on the bureau, even if they were in envelopes. It's a horrible feeling, knowing that someone knows/wants to know all your financial/private details. I think unless you have encountered someone like this, you realy can't understand just how prying it feels.
I'm staying in my SIL's house next week. I'll think I'll take loads of photos when we get there, so I can leave it in exactly the same state- not any cleaner "She must think I'm a slattern" or any dirtier "How could she disrespect my home like that!" . It's a minefield, I tell you!
I'd let my mum stay but absolutely not my dad.
He would definitely snoop, and I really would have to make sure all my papers were locked away. Which I did for our recent holiday as he came round to water our tomatoes. So he had no chance to look at the papers.
Same goes for MIL, she would snoop, but my late FIL would NOT have snooped.
It's not about the fact that this is OP's MIL, it's about the fact that this person snoops.
Perhaps OP can let her own mum stay because she doesn't snoop.
But I would NOT be impressed with DP if he told me, the night before leaving, that someone was coming to stay while we were on holiday. I think it's OP's DH who was doing the manipulation here.
Wasn't quoting you phantom I was taking an example and exaggerating the implication for satirical effect. HTH.
As you say, he was trying to be kind and the thoughts about being judged,, not being good enough and some nonspecific privacy boundary being invaded were all your issues. There seemed to be no implication that he did judge you, snoop or have any ill intention.
My point was that many people on this thead claim difficult families, when in fact they sound like the ones with issues that make them difficult to negotiate, and as I said potentially very difficult MILs in the future themselves.
PLUS - when I have guests I tend to move a lot of the stuff I don't want to be seen (overflowing Washing baskets etc) into my bedroom. Having someone in the house alone means that they would be able to go into that room and see the stuff I would normally hide.
Someone who stayed at my house and who had been left alone for an hour or two once very pointedly said to me 'if there's anything I can do for you - like some ironing or some folding, let me know' and I just knew they must have been in my room which made me . Plus it annoyed me that they suggested they would be doing it for me not for my husband.
Do you think? I think they'll probably make fantastic MILs as they'll be keen to avoid doing the things that pissed them off about their own.
That was in response to Euphemia.
I think that the sad thing was that DH didn't have a problem and yet instead of discussing it the 'senior partner' just vetoed it and he jumped to it! What happened to equality and discussion and compromise? Has a new date been made for the promised 'in the future' visit?
Well why didn't he discuss it before agreeing? Ffs.
If there is one thing to annoy MNers it is someone who has been judged by royalty to BU, getting their own way!
God forbid that the OP and her DH reached an agreement that everyone is happy with. "OK, if you want them to stay YOU can do the cleaning up and change the beds" "Err no thanks, I 'll ring them and cancel" NOO!!!! She must be a manipulative controlling bitch who lives in a pig sty and is married to an idiot who is happy to be hen pecked into submission every time he dares to think for himself.
Seriously guys, listen to yourselves and how fecking ridiculous you are being!
Despite the username, I agree with Bogeyface.
I agree with Bogeyface too.
Wow, this thread has - honestly - been a massive eye-opener for me!
I know now that I am officially The Most Relaxed Person Ever. It has stunned me that people feel this way, and made me run through loads of scenarios where I might have been 'invading' someone's space, or someone might have felt judged when I tried to do something nice for them and cleaned up, etc.
I tidy or make an extra effort for guests to make them feel welcome, not to avoid being judged. It has honestly never occured to me that I am probably the talk of my MIL's town If I came home to a tidied house, I would feel like the person had made that effort for me as a gesture to say 'welcome home' or 'thanks' or whatever. (I would also think: RESULT! But am quite messy and utterly un-house proud.)
My house, your house: treat it with respect and you are welcome. I honestly never knew so many people felt differently. Has made me terribly paranoid about what boundaries I have overstepped. Eek!
Seriously could not count how many people have stayed in our house when we aren't there. We are lucky enough to have a nice, spacious home, and I would actually feel a little weird if someone booked into a hotel nearby, rather than stayed in ours (whether we were there are not). The only thing I ever stash away are hospital letters, bank statements and payslips.
Food for thought!
Whats wrong with my username?!
"We are lucky enough to have a nice, spacious home,"
if I had the same I might feel less stressed by the idea of people staying alone.
Eggs - well you are not officially the most relaxed person ever or whatever it was if you stash away bank statements, hospital letters and payslips. You obviously have some boundaries; things that you don't want other people looking at. Well, same for the OP.
Food for thought!
No, not really. If forums tell us anything it's that not everyone runs their life the same way as everyone else. I have no problem with those posters who would have all and sundry staying in their houses and a 24/7 open house policy. Why would I?
Equally I don't see why I or the OP should be like that. I run my life my way, you run your life your way. Why do you care so much that the OP doesn't want someone staying in her house at such short notice?
Eggs But what if, like the OP, you stash away things that you dont want people to see and then they go searching for them? Perhaps you wouldnt be quite so relaxed then. As I said above, my mother has form for snooping, going through an obviously private space such as my filing cabinet would be standard for her. Stumbling across something in a kitchen drawer while looking for a tea towel is one thing, actively looking for private things is what the OP and many others object to.
No clarity I think poeple who have lots of rules, boundaries, issues and who insist on having things just as they want then and who can't tolerate the differing approaches of others within the family generally make difficult MILs or relatives.
What if a future DIL lies on your bed when staying to read to her kids as in her family this would be fine??
Or of future DIL tries to be kind and your ironing as she thinks your struggling with arthritis?? She may, GO UPSTSTAIRS, SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR etc
The idea that it will be helpful only works of you get a DIL who thinks all your ideas are good sense. That's unlikely so easier to be a bit more relaxed with family if you want harmony.
Do none of you make arrangements and then mention it your partner? I will frequently make arrangements with my mum and then tell DH, oh mums coming over Friday night. Equally he'll let me know, I've arranged for us to meet up with DB next month etc.
Of not convenient we'll discuss this and the arranger will reorganise if not convenient. As OPs DH has done here. But we are not outraged that the other agreed to an arrangement.
My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling (have list of other ways she is super controlling) he has no say over what they do and all has to be sanctioned by her first.
OP sounds like this. It's hard work for wider family.
Eggs I was astonished too, MN is a huge eye opener to me. I think this is all good info for when I become a MIL, I want to be brilliant at it.
I've just remembered my parents offered our house to people I didn't know when we were going to be away. I left them a bottle of wine and a welcome note.
Well yes obviously poeple do run their lives in very different ways, thats evident, but I'd say that Eggs way makes her sound much easier to get along with than some of the posters on here.
Of course live howverre you want, but some people may see you are weirdly controlling and difficult.
A member of my extended family read a letter to me which was folded and buried in a pile of papers in my house.The letter was offering me an honorary position in a local organisation,they commented on this to me and I (shocked that they had looked)explained that i had not yet accepted the offer and that it was embargoed and please not to mention it to anyone .
The next day I went to the hairdressers who congratulated me (she has the same hairdresser)she had also told her best friend ,who told her daughter ,who told god knows who and it got back to my employer .I almost lost the opportunity
All because she snooped and had no ability not to tell,this is why I lock papers away now if someone comes to stay
My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling (have list of other ways she is super controlling) he has no say over what they do and all has to be sanctioned by her first.
But what is wrong with saying "That should be ok but I will check with OH and let you know"? THats how I work, because I find it easier to do that than make an arrangement that may have to be cancelled causing problems for the other person. Far better imo to say that you will check and confirm so that nothing is set in stone.
"My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling"
your brother sounds nice. Me and my husband check that things are ok first, not least because one or the other of us may have made arrangements to do something separately or with our son so for example him inviting his dad round to see DS on a day when I have arranged to take DS to a farm isn't going to work.
"Quintessentially? I think you are coming across as really weird to be honest."
There is nothing wrong with not wanting someone to stay in your home.
No, but causing screaming rows and threatening to not go on holiday over it, is more than just a little bit weird.
The op herself cited her kitchen cupboards, and she does go on about her things and her documents and her mess.
I think she needs to chill.
I don't think OP even needs to justify her reasons for not wanting her MIL to stay at her home. She doesn't want her to so it doesn't happen, the reasons don't even matter. These things require a mutual agreement before going ahead.
I would have been mad at my husband if he had told anyone they can stay at our home without asking me as well. Threatening not to go on holiday may have been a bit OTT but it happens when you are really angry so I don't think it makes her weird.
surely when you have a DP it is only courtesy to check things with them - what if they had simultaneously made a tentative plan for the same date and time. what if they were going to book a surprise meal for 2 and you invite your parents over instead?
My husband also checks stuff with me!
I'm not controlling-he's just polite.
Euphemia - I do help MIL but I check with her first that its a convenient time - I don't just let myself in without her knowledge and crack,on with it.
And arranging a visit from someone for an afternoon without discussing it with your Dp first is massively different to agreeing to a three week stay, allowing someone whom the OP is wary of because of their lack of boundaries and discretion unfettered access to their stuff.
I like having visitors, but I'm not sure I'd like them being here if I wasn't. I think with notice I'd clean and tidy and swallow any anxieties about their presence. I think it's odd to ask to stay in someone else's house though if they're not there.
OP YANBU (apart from the spa bath bit)
Well I guess DH and I provisionally agree to things. I don't make the statement 'if that's Ok with DH' every time I arrange something. I tend to work along the the lines that I know what will be Ok with DH or not, and of its not convenient or we've double booked we'll get back and rearrange.
Most of my family and friends seem to work along theses lines and making arrangements with the unspoken understanding that we'll get back if there a any problems.
My DB cannot make even a provsional arrangement and does not even indicate whether they might be interested in that activity or date, it's a blanket, I'll check with DW statement every time. We know from a long list of previous occasions that SIL isvery controlling and has lots of rules about her house, children and events that have to be scrutinised at first. Thier attendance at things will be entirely her decision therefore he cannot make even tentative arrangements.
DB is very nice, but SIL makes all decisions.
EuphemiaLennox. Well it's fortunate for you that you don't have to get on with any of us controlling, boundary obsessed, house proud neurotics.
Thankfully my family, my husbands family and my husband appear to have the same attitude to housesitting. So no drama necessary.
Agree with the latest posts. DH and I will also check with each other. Don't think that makes either of us henpecked.
My husband also checks stuff with me!
I'm not controlling-he's just polite.
diddl, we are the same.
I would have to have a bloody good reason for telling dp he couldn't have a member of his family to stay in our house.
marriedinwhiteisbackWed 31-Jul-13 07:36:30
But the bit I don't get ginger is why the op has to keep things secret. Am honestly racking my brains about what my mil or mum or anyone else doesn't know already.
In our case, my mum let slip my SS number to someone else, and the result was not pleasant
Really, unless people have known or dealt with toxic people, it IS hard to understand
But often husbands check with wives because the wives are expected to remember any appointments/arrangements & husbands just don't have a clue what's going on!
On most threads where someone, anyone, is coming at short or no notice for whatever reason the OP of the thread is usually told countless times "Well he invited them, let him cook/clean/shop for their visit."
Which is exactly what the OP suggested to her DH, his parents asked to come, he agreed, didn't tell her, knows their standards and habits when in their house and now she's been called all sorts of names for suggesting to him what countless people on here recommend in situations exactly like this.
The OP doesn't have to be a filthy slattern living in a hovel or have 'secrets' that she wouldn't want anyone else to know about to object to this visit. It is possible to live in a reasonably clean and tidy home and feel that your pay slips and pile cream are private things you don't want your relatives poking through without being a terrible person and a potential nightmare MIL yourself.
peacefuloptimist I find your post a bit depressing too, to be honest. You write like you feel the parents own a child, even an adult child, and have a claim to the home they have made with their partner and children. I gave birth to my son, DH and I are raising him, we are investing everything in him because he is our only child but never, ever in the future will I believe I have more rights than his wife/partner in their home.
You say you were going through your sisters things when you stayed in her home and then put it down to her children emptying cupboards and drawers. If you were just picking things up and putting them away again then no, that's not snooping. If you were taking things out of envelopes or reading through diaries as you picked them up, then yes that is snooping.
There's nothing wrong with sharing the private details of your life with your family if you choose to do so but if they are discovering the private details of your life by using their time in your empty home to look in drawers they have no need to open or read your mail or look at your filed bank statements then that is wrong of them.
We often leave bills, appointment letters and things that we are still dealing with clipped to pegs hanging on the back of the kitchen door. They are there for our reference and if someone sees them there hanging there, well, fair enough if they catch a glimpse of a price or appointment time etc, because we left it on view. Complaining about that would be as pointless as complaining that they saw an ornament on the mantelpiece or a framed photograph on the shelves.
But if someone takes a bill or appointment down from the peg and reads it, no, that's not on, that's very different because they know it's none of their business but they've gone beyond just noticing something to actually removing it and reading it anyway. It's gone passed noticing something to snooping at something.
There is a balance and obviously it's nothing secret if it's hanging on the back of the kitchen door. But it's still obviously something that's ours, not theirs, and nobody else coming into the house has any right or need to take it down and read it in detail just because we haven't locked it away. They ought to know it's not their business just by the fact that it's not their house, it's not addressed to them, it doesn't belong to them etc.
And it's even worse if they are entering rooms they don't need to go in or looking through drawers and cupboards they don't need to look in.
Just because some people wouldn't have a problem with that, it doesn't mean that someone who does has something to hide or is a controlling freak trying to manipulate their entire extended family. It's just as fine to feel that you have a right to privacy in your own home from friends and relatives even if you have no experience of one who snoops as it is to feel your house and life are open books to anyone who wants to come and look at them.
Locking something away actually wouldn't stop my PILs or some of the others being discussed here. If they found a locked drawer they would search for a key. It can be hard to understand why that might be a problem if you have no experience of living with a relative who would do that. Or if you are the relative who would do that.
I'm with the OP. Having someone to stay in your house whilst you are away is a very big favour to ask for me and definitely something you would discuss with your spouse, and teenage children if you have them before inviting someone.
If anyone asked me to stay in our house whilst we were away I'd discuss it with my husband and the teenage kids. If we decided they could stay then we'd need to discuss what state the house would be left in, what people wanted tidied away etc. bedding would need changing, sex toys tidied away.
We clean the house before guests come (because we both work and aren't housework mad normally).
My husband would never just say "MIL is coming for 3 weeks in 2 days time" because he knows I'd say no.
I'd have enough to do just before going away (I'm a last minute packer)without extra house cleaning.
The nosy MIL thing would make it worse, and the risk of coming back to find everything rearranged. MIL isn't homeless, it isn't an emergency, there was no reason for this not to be discussed.
Difficult one as it's DH's house too and he has said yes.
I personally wouldn't mind - we live in a touristy area and pay lots of rent for the privelege so we're happy to share when we're away, in fact we quite like the idea of the place not going to waste. Also for good karma as we often stay in the holiday home of others and believe what goes around comes around!
Why do you feel it's such a massive privacy/boundary issue? Are you worried she'll judge you for untidiness? Or find secrets you'd rather keep hidden?
You were in the SS?
Sorry, just trying to inject a bit of levity
I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason.
Now, if there house was flooded or they had nowhere to stay the OP would be U. However, they just want to stay for the sake of it?
Curlew So "I dont want it to happen" is not good enough? Why not? Its your home too and "I dont want to" is a good enough reason to me. You say that the OP is controlling but I would say that you needing "to have a bloody good reason" to say no to your DP is far more controlling of him.
Ginger so they know your credit card balance? How much your mortgage is? How much you and your DP earn? When you last had a smear?
"I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason."
No it isn't!
I don't really want people in my home when I am away.
But, I would offer family as long as I would have enough advance warning to prep the house.
As I would like to put clean sheets on the bed, tidy and sort laundry ( so they would not feel they were expected to do it), give the bathroom and ktchen a proper clean ( as opposed to my fuck-it-that-ll-do approach), hde any embarrassing stuff etc.
Being told at such short notice about guests I did not like, would stress me out.
I have also, previuosly said "no" to SIL who is a hippy, and despises bourgeois people with their sad little semi's, as she is an artst and mainy sofa surfs and is a free spirit. She is a fun guest, but I was not happy for her and a couple of mates to live in our house for 3 weeks whilst we were away. The fact that she woud poke fun at our stuff.....somehow made t impossible for me to relax about it. Also, the whole thing about hating the petit bourgeois but then taking advantage of their lfestyle grated on me.
So OP, yanbu IMO, as you did not have enough notice, and this sort of decission needs to be taken by both partners.
Glitterspy - you need to read the thread.
SarahandFuck very well put.
There are lots of things where "I don't want to" is fine. For something like this, which is actually stopping the other person using the house the way they would like to there has to be a better reason than that.
As I said, I think, earlier how would people feel about an OP where someone said "I really want my mum to come and stay, but my dp has said he doesn't want her to come, so I can't" I bet there would be a torrent of "how very dare he"s!
For some reason this has reminded me of the time MIL woke us in the middle of the night to complain to us about DH using her wooded spoon to stir something she thought might have stained it.
I'm not sure this is relevant, but from a woman who used to check our birth control for signs of grandchildren it does seem that she has the wrong idea where boundaries are concerned.
FireSideChat I meant 'food for thought' for me!
I wasn't being sarcastic when I said I wonder how many times I have offended someone by doing what I thought was nice (Argh! Have just had a memory about doing all my MIL's ironing when she was at work and I was staying there! You would hate me, OP <hangs head in shame>). I have done a lot of the things people say are annoying on here. I just never, ever saw it from that pov before, I suppose. I do now.
True, Clarty, I suppose the paperwork things are my boundaries. I usually wouldn't be that careful about it, it's just that no-one knows we are having IVF, so I wouldn't want them to find out that way.
However, I step down from my self-promotion to The Most Relaxed Person Ever. Dammit.
Am I forgiven? Tell you what, come to mine for a drink. You can stay over
fireside well actually I do have to get on with my neurotic, house proud controlling SIL.
It's very frustrating as the family members who are more relaxed and flexible have to constantly meet her demands for the sake of family harmony, however bonkers they think they are.
I think some examples on this thread are bonkers, and examples of people with their own issues taking offence where none is meant.
Some examples though atre fair enough and way over the limits of any sane persons tolerance.
Not allowing your PILs to stay in your house when you're not there, unless they are totally vile and malicious, and worrying about them using your electricity and bubble bath, judging your spice rack, and then insisting they can only stay if your DH cleans out all the cupboards first...falls into the bonkers hard to get along with camp for me.
Some other examples given I have more sympathy with and the family are obviously the bonkers ones.
Parmerella - what a cheeky fucking mare your sil is! Hates the squares but doesn't mind the warmth, hot water and roof over her head that they can provide!
"My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling
And if he didn't do that and it turned out there was another arrangement made so he had to cancel, you'd all interpret that as her telling him he had to cancel so she'd still be viewed as controlling anyway!
2rebecca, I could have written that post.
"I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason."
No it isn't!
Of course it is!
"I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason."
No it isn't!
Of course it is! You have the right to feel happy and comfortable in your own home and if extra guests would make you feel uncomfortable then you have the right to veto it. He can say he wants them to stay, you can say you dont want them to. The compromise you reach is up to you, but it concerns me that you think that your feelings are not valid if he wants his family to stay.
No Bogey, they opened all sorts of accounts, racked them up, and then pissed off, the hounds came after me for the moneis spent, and I knew nothing of it
That was bit was directed at curlew obviously.
This thread is moving too fast for my poor brain.
My saving grace had been that I was at work when it happened and the bank cameras had someone else's face
All I can say, I m sorry
"but it concerns me that you think that your feelings are not valid if he wants his family to stay."
Of course they are valid. But unless there is a very good reason then you stop being a princess and get on with it. Just as I would expect him to do if the OP wanted her mother to stay.
Sorry Ginger that was actually to "marriedinwhite" but I read it on your post. Durr
sorry legal reasons I cannot say more
aha gotcha, sorry, I was confused too
Yes Curlew but I think that "I dont want to" is a very good reason! It is your home too and you could turn your argument around and say that him having guests to stay against your wishes is him stopping you using your home as you want to!
"how would people feel about an OP where someone said "I really want my mum to come and stay, but my dp has said he doesn't want her to come, so I can't"
that is so different to what is being discussed though.
"I want my mother to come and stay with us" is not the same as "my mother is coming to stay in the house tomorrow for three weeks while we are away"
Well said sarahandFuck
Sorry eggsiseggs, I misunderstood your comment. Serves me right for not reading properly.
So sorry Ginger. that sounds horrendous and just goes to show what can happen when stupid people cant keep their gobs shut. Just as the PP who almost lost a very big opportunity thanks to a nosy parker.
I dont get how those who say it is controlling etc, cant see just how destructive snooping and gossping can be!
Oh, so "I don't want to" is only a bloody good reason in specific circumstances a?
pianosoodle only I'd that happened every time.
Sometimes 'because I don't want to' is a good enough reason for not doing things.
But generally if it involves disareeing with or upsetting your husband, offending his family and causing general awkwardness, you need to have more substantial reasons.
If you value family harmony it's worth doing things you don't want to sometimes.
And of your reason is just 'I don't want to' and it upsets lots of others, then you will look like the barmy and controlling one and not your ILs.
If you've got really good reasons though, like some poeple on this thread, then you don't need to resort to 'don't want to.'
A family home is a shared space. It's not for one or the other to say yes to a house guest without consulting the other.
WAY upthread someone asked ''how would you feel if your DH said he'd rather not have your mother live in the house alone for 3 weeks?''
My answer would be:
''i'd respect his feelings - tell my mum, 'sorry, no, change of plan', and make a mental note not to arrange fairly major things to do with the house in future without checking with the co-owner of the house. (ie my spouse) that's he's ok with it.
FWIW my DH wouldn't want my mum living in our house for 3 weeks so i wouldn't arrange it.
SarahandFuck has put it very well
Fortunately for me, I'm such an untidy mare that no-one in their right mind would want to stay here when we were away!
If someone, who I didn't want to stay but DH did, did decide to brave the mess, and I was worried that they would snoop, I would not be able to resist the temptation to plant "items" for them to find! Sex toys, love letters, fake bills etc.
As for the OP, I would never refuse to allow someone to stay of they needed to, so if my DSis was home from abroad and I was away, then she would be welcome to stay here rather than pay for a hotel. However, I have used a friends house when she went abroad as it was the only way we could take our DCs on holiday that year (I only now realise just how kind that was of her), and I obviously don't get the whole privacy thing like OP does. I find it hard to believe that she could have lived for at least 10 years with her DH and he doesn't know how she feels about something like this.
For what it's worth I would have most of my family and my husbands family house sit if it was really needed by them or us. However apart from the one incident that I have previously mentioned, we have never house sat for each other.
It would also depend on the person:
My parents - definitely not because they are elderly and disabled and our house would be a death trap for them.
Sibling 1 - yes.
Sibling 2 - no, for the reasons previously mentioned.
Husbands sibling 1 - yes.
Husbands sibling 2 - yes, but only after a deep clean because they are very, very house proud. My house is pretty clean and tidy. but I still don't think they would be comfortable staying in our house.
Husbands other relative (who shall be nameless) - no way would they be invited. If I suggested it my husband would have a major freakout.
The OPs situation wasn't an average one was it? Her husband "forgot" to mention it until just before they were going on holiday. Who forgets things like that. It appears that he didn't want to have a proper grown up conversation about it and certainly didn't want to do the work involved.
If I remember correctly she had two children and was 9 weeks pregnant (hope I've got the right thread) and they were just about to go on holiday. That's a big enough burden without adding house guests into the mix with only hours to go. It might well have been the straw that broke the camels back. It would be for me.
SarahAndFuck put it beautifully.
The standard response on here when a DH has invited people without any warning/when the OP isn't keen on them staying is 'let him cook for them/entertain them. That's all the OP did. All he had to do was prepare for the visit - clean, get the spare room set up etc.
All this 'what have you got to hide?' in response to a desire for privacy is very judgemental.
I accept that there are those who love people randomly popping in to visit and would have no problem with the OP's scenario, even though they knew the person would be into everything. Why can't you accept that some people like privacy and value it? That to them the idea of someone going through their things is upsetting.
If my husband invited someone to stay for 3 weeks whilst we were away (or even if we were here) I would feel that he was ignoring my opinion and thought my opinion was invalid.
I don't invite people to stay without discussing it with my husband so it is reciprocal.
If my dad wanted to stay and it wasn't convenient for my husband then my dad wouldn't stay.
It's the complete lack of discussion and short notice that the OP is mainly complaining about, although I think nosy relatives have only themselves to blame if no-one wants them in their houses unsupervised.
But it's nothing to do with convenience. It's not inconvenient to the OP at all - just undesirable.
The OP's husband didn't seem like he actually wanted his parents to stay, he just didn't want to say no to them when they asked. So no, it's not the same as one partner wanting their parents to visit and the other nixing it.
Imagine, in Terry-and-June style , your partner rings you at 4pm and says 'the boss has just asked if s/he can come round for dinner tonight so we'll all be here at around 6.30'. It's your turn to do dinner so the implication is that you will now need to cook and get ready for them.
Now, even if you have no other plans that night, isn't it still reasonable to say, 'Sorry, we haven't had a chance to discuss it and plan. Tonight's not a goer I'm afraid'? I think so. Some people might agree, some people might agree on condition the partner brings takeaway home or whatever, but no-one who said no to such a short notice request would be unreasonable.
It's not inconvenient to the OP at all - just undesirable.
I would say that having to sort out the guest room, clean to the picky MIL's standards, make sure there is milk etc in the fridge, ON TOP of packing for a holiday is massively inconvenient. Clearly the OP's DH agreed that it was because when he was told that he would have to do all that, he called and cancelled.
I would be bloody fuming about that alone, never mind the notice etc. How dare he make such a massive assumption that his already busy wife will jump to it and prepare for an unwanted visit because he says so and CBA to do it himself?!
It is inconvenient to her if she feels the house needs to be cleaned and private things need to be hidden, based on MILs past behaviour, and at very short notice. Especially since she was the one being expected to do it, her DH cancelled very quickly when he was put on the spot and told to prepare for them himself.
I agree with those saying "I'm not comfortable with it" being a very good reason not to do something.
It's another MN stock phrase on here, along with "he invited them, let him do with work." "Trust your instincts and don't do something you are not comfortable with" is said about many situations that involve family and friends and is normally supported well on MN.
Thank you to those saying I made a good point, btw. It's always nice to know I'm making sense, doesn't happen every day
I've managed to grasp my own point about the spoon as well now. MIL gives a wooden spoon in a utensil pot in her kitchen a greater priority for respect than she gives to other people's tucked-away belongings, including their birth control, private mail and unopened post etc.
Cleaning to somebody else's standards would be a choice - the house could have been left as it was. Buying milk etc - well, the pils could do that themselves, just as they could make up a bed if told where the sheets were etc. Just because something could be a big faff, doesn't mean it has to be a big faff.
Sarah am at MIL poking around in your birth control. Thought clearly it's too controlling of you to not want her to!
If thats the case Remus why did the OPs DH cancel as soon as he was told that anything that did need to be done, would have to be done by him? Surely if it isnt that big a deal, he would have done what you said?
Remus - but don't you get the impression that these PILs would turn their nose up at having to make their own bed when they were "guests", and gossip later about DIL "not even having cleaned properly or got us some milk in" -it would not be their sons fault, I am sure, it would be the DIL who was bitched about behind her back.
I am still utterly bemused why they would invite themselves like this when its not a tourist place and their beloved DS & family will not even be there.
I cant believe the number of people whose Ps or PILs actually OPEN their mail - bad enough picking up and reading something left out on the side but to actually take something out of an opened envelope, or actually OPEN it, unbelievable!
Because he was told that cleaning out the spice cupboards etc would be absolutely necessary. He probably thought he'd get a quieter life. He was probably thinking of damage limitation and the fact that he wanted to have a half decent holiday without being sulked at for three weeks. Who knows? I'd love to hear his side of the story too, but we've only heard one side.
And so what if they gossiped about having to get their own milk? That's their problem, not the OP's.
Of course preparation needed to be done for the visit, locking away private documents being one as OP states MIL pry's.
OP's DH decided deferring his parents visit was better instead of doing the required tidy. His choice.
I disagree Remus - if they were allowed to come and stay, but asked to make their own bed/excuse the mess/get their own groceries in etc - then bitched/gossiped/moaned about it, this would just show how rude and entitled they were , but of course it would still be hurtful to the OP.
Wow this thread has moved quickly.
Sarah, I don't believe that children belong to their parents but they should have a healthy dose of respect and gratitude towards them. My parents have proved time and time again that they will always be there for me when I need them. My ds is 11 months and I have already given so much of myself to him and sacrificed some of my wants just like any mother would do really. I really feel humbled when I think that my mother did the same for me. Its depressing to see some people feel so entitled and self important that they would set up a sort of competition between themselves and their dps parents and would demand greater loyalty shown to them. I'm not saying op did this but the attitude of many posters here screams of this.
Fireside I agree that her wishes should take precedence over her dps mother in their home but she has effectively over ruled her dps wishes too. I believe you should treat others like you want to be treated. I would not like to be told I can't have my dm stay at our home so would not do that to my dh even if I felt uncomfortable. It's not always about what makes you comfortable sometimes it's about doing the right thing and bullying your partner to call his dm last minute to cancel a prearranged trip is certainly not the right thing, to me anyway.
With regards to my dsis we don't have many boundaries between us having shared a room our entire childhood we are fairly relaxed (now) about going through each others things. But as I said I was looking after her dcs in her home so it would have been difficult to avoid coming across personal things.
I would not like it if my mil talked nonsense about me to others however ops mil hasn't done this she just suspects that she will. That's not a good enough reason to say no. She could have locked away her personal items and things she wanted to hide or even taken them with her. Asking her dp to tidy up the house in preparation for his guests is a reasonable compromise but giving him ridiculous unimportant tasks like cleaning the inside of cupboards is engineering the situation to get your own way.
I have to say that it sounds as if the OP was exaggerating the amount of cleaning/ tidying that would need to be done in order to make a point and twist her DH's arm into cancelling the arrangement. Her argument that she didn't want them there hadn't worked, nothing else was working so a massively exaggerated list of "every cupboard in the house, under the beds etc etc" that he would have to clean would have done the trick.
My MiL would clean to make a point. When she rearranged the flat it was to try and exert control over me. She was used getting her own way and i came along and wouldn't play the game. There was only me and DH living there, it was clean and tidy so she had to move everything to let me know she had done something. I had jumpers drying over the bath. There was silk in them and had to be hand washed and dried flat. She put them in the machine and totally destroyed them.
The thing is her house was thick with dust at all times and she has a tenuous grasp of personal hygene.
She comes up some Saturdays supposedly to see the DDs but she sits gazing adoringly at DH . I'm never in when she comes. I found out that she was making herself cups of tea because all the bills, letters, hospital appointments etc that were on the side of my fringe had been moved about.
A few hours later shes in the phone screaming and crying that why didn't DH tell her he was dying. All because she had seen a hospital appointment for him. Which was under 3 or 4 other letters.
"Because he was told that cleaning out the spice cupboards etc would be absolutely necessary."
Is he not capable of thinking for himself, then & deciding himself what cleaning needed doing for his mum to stay ?
Seems as if he couldn't be bothered to put any effort in.
I am at these MIl/PIL who seem to have never understood that their DC is grown up now and should have his privacy respected. This is a great thread for those of us with adult children, so we can see the kind of thing that would make us permanently unwelcome in their home. Though so far I havent seen anything that I would have done- open letters? rummage through drawers? get into beds? bizarre.
My mother comes to stay to have the kids so we can go away, and I also have a carer in the house while we work. They both have free run of the place and they can move/read/use whatever they like. I am sure that they could read all my bank statements if they felt like it as I CBA to put them in secret places. But I know they just wouldn't- any more than I would read my mother's bank statements when I stay at her place.
Peaceful I agree with you about the respect and gratitude, but once your children are adults especially, it cuts both ways.
It's quite telling that both DH and I get along well with my parents, who have never imposed or snooped, but neither of us see much, if anything, of his parents, who are constantly making demands and snooping.
You choose to have a child and raise it making sacrifices, then they grow up and do the same with their own children. In many cases here it's been said over and over that it's the parents/PILs who are setting the competition rather than the DIL or SIL (son-in-law) and seem to think that they have rights over the couple and their home.
My own FIL once said that to me, "This is MY sons house and I will do as I please in it." No, you won't, neither DH nor I were happy with that idea and soon put him right on that.
I do think it depends on who is visiting. I would happily let my DBs stay in the house when we weren't there and the same for all but one of my BIL and SIL. One SIL is competitive and nosy and I wouldn't trust her not to go through private paperwork etc. She has stayed with us when we are here and is welcome to do so again.
I've even come back from holiday to find one of DH's friends kipping on our sofa as he had just moved to London so DH had left a spare key with a friend. He seemed to want to make himself as unobtrusive as possible so I doubt he had been looking through our cupboards .
"My parents have proved time and time again that they will always be there for me when I need them"
but the OP's parents dont need to stay at the house, they just want to.
Bloody hell, only on Mn would you be "vindictive, manipulative and hateful" amongst other things, for not wanting people to stay in your house for almost a month with no notice, no time to clean, and no consideration to your feelings whatsoever.
Meanwhile, in the real, non-bonkers world, its totally normal not to want unanticipated, uninvited guests at the very last minute to stay in your house when you aren't there
Anyone else wondering if the dh capitulated to the OP's demands a little too readily? And if he did actually phone his parents to cancel? Did she witness the call?
OP may be back on here in three weeks with a new thread.
I have been out to a water park. Did I miss much
I have to say, I remain baffled. It's not a judgement on the op - like I said I hope she has a nice holiday and it's good that she and her DH sorted it out.
But the idea that someone staying in your home is the cause of so much stress and angst remains one thing I don't understand.
I actually don't like my mil but I would let her stay - I sure as shit wouldn't be cleaning the spice cupboard for her.
And if I was worried about privacy I would take an hour to lock away anything I didn't want her to see.
If she is a gossip then who will listen to her - presumeably when mil was previously gossiping about curtains and pedicures the OP privately rolled her eyes and ignored.
I quite accept people feel differently but to me it is odd. If my mil blabbed about anything she found in my house, the people I care about wouldn't give a shit and the people I don't care about, I don't care about.
None of that of course relates to mils quoted on here who have maliciously used info. But op says she likes her mil so the concern is clearly just phoning people to say 'ooh her spice cupboard is a right mess' from the phone next to the spa bath.
I used to hate that friends were not able to visit when I was a child - my mum was embaressed by our messy house. But I would have preferred not to have to say no as if mess in a loving home is shameful.maybe that's why I think an open home is a good thing.
Anyway - as always it's interesting.
If only you had been the OP Pagwatch, then this thread would have been far more straightforward.
And significantly less bonkers........
My point was that whatever cleaning he felt would be necessary prior to his parents coming to stay, would never have been enough to meet the OP's idea of what was necessary. And, it seems, that her idea of what was necessary was in relation to how much she wished to punish him for having the temerity to want to let his parents stay when she didn't want them to. He was onto a loser whatever he did.
Pagwatch - You are a voice of reason on an insane thread.
It's all about being open to understand and accept that people are different. Some posters are struggling with this concept to a remarkable degree.
AIBUs seem to come in 3 main flavours:
1) Practically everyone says YABU.
2) Practically everyone says YANBU.
3) A more mixed result where those who struggle say "how can this bother you when it doesn't bother me?"
Actually I think it's just that I went out..
Threads always jump the shark don't they, as people get more and more frustrated at seeing things totally differently.
Everyone should have to go down a water slide after a fixed number of posts. that would work.
Bloody hell, only on Mn would you be "vindictive, manipulative and hateful" amongst other things, for not wanting people to stay in your house for almost a month with no notice, no time to clean, and no consideration to your feelings whatsoever.
Meanwhile, in the real, non-bonkers world, its totally normal not to want unanticipated, uninvited guests at the very last minute to stay in your house when you aren't there
Thank you AnnabelleLee. A voice of reason in this parallel universe that is mumsnet.
Meanwhile, in the real, non-bonkers world, its totally normal not to want unanticipated, uninvited guests at the very last minute to stay in your house when you aren't there"
It might be totally normal not to want it. But it is also totally normal to occasionally do things you don't want to do for the person you love, and to put up with something that you don't want to do, but which will cause you no actually harm with a good grace.
Note to MN Towers - please order waterslides immediately.
you don't know it won't cause her harm. She sounds very upset about it, is it not harmful to ruin her holiday with this?
it is also totally normal to occasionally do things you don't want to do for the person you love, and to put up with something that you don't want to do, but which will cause you no actually harm with a good grace
Which is what the OP's husband decided to do. So, let's be pleased for the happy ending and wish the OP and family an enjoyable holiday.
None of this would have happened if the husband had deigned to consult his wife over what was to happen to their home while they are away. People seem to be missing this. He caused this by not affording her this basic courtesy.
And of course, if they actually needed to stay...
Why would you want to stay in your son's house, unnecessarily, when he's not there?
I don't believe the posters here stating they'd be happy to have a relative known for prying staying in their home for a month on almost no notice and no preparation and no actual say as she was not asked.
It's easy when its not your privacy and home.
OP does not live in a tourist destination and MIL didn't even ask her!
I cannot fathom how OP could be considered unreasonable at all.
Remus you seem to be fixated on the spice rack!
The OP said that unless things are cleaned to her MIL's standard then there will be judging and gossiping going on, not her own standard. Being the "wrong" wife to STBX I can fully understand her wishing to avoid providing yet more "evidence" that she is a bad wife and that he should never have married her. Its easy to say that she shouldnt give a shit, but not so easy to do when you know that someone is finding excuses to sneer and look down their nose at you, simply because they dont like you very much.
I also understand what she means about kitchen cupboards. If I have guests when I am here I know that they wont need to ferret about in my
very slightly disorganised food cupboard for a jar of jam. But if I was letting someone stay here while I was away (on a house swap say) then I would have reorganised everything, made sure the place was spotless and that you could eat your dinner of any surface you care to mention. It is different, and I am surprised that you cant see that.
It all adds up to whatever the OP does, or her DH does, she will still be in the wrong. So she might as well be in the wrong and happy than in the wrong and still have her home being used as a B&B!
Yep, I'm fixated on the spice rack. I've been thinking about it all day.
If people really feel that they have to clean to somebody else's standards, then I pity them. My house is clean enough, but not pristine, and if anybody came here and couldn't cope with that then that is their problem, not mine. They could sniff and gossip all they wanted - it really wouldn't bother me.
Anyway, the OP is off on holiday now and I hope is having a lovely time - but I hope her dh is too. My feeling is that he's learned to surrender in order for a quiet life, but hey ho.
Now...about that spice rack...
OP - you are not unreasonable. It is YOUR home. YOU make the rules. If YOU do not want nosey people staying in YOUR home. That is entirely your decision.
I would also say no to such a request from my PIL. They are both nosey bastards.
PLUS, my MIL does not know the meaning of the word "clean". I would have to fumigate the place after she'd stayed.
Forgive me but I was the one with the stepson who 'ruined' our new bedroom by bouncing on the bed freshly made with all new bedding as if testing it in a shop, before either I or my DH had a chance to go even sit on it, let alone
shag anything else.
The surreal moment of standing in my new bedroom watching my DHs adult six footer son diving onto our bed and bouncing on it a couple of times with DH and I standing watching made me feel physically sick, tbh.
At that moment I despaired of ever having any boundaries in place whatsoever for us as a couple. My adult SS had previously lived with us and I had to allow him 'access all areas' practically - to appease my very much ' what's mine is my kids' DH. The only one room l fought hard for and won sanctity for was our bedroom. Even that caused arguments as DH felt his son should be allowed to wander in there to borrow his socks or whatever and whenever. So I pointed out this meant I would always have to be behind the door ready to shout
get out wait a minute , after a shower and so on and ready to cover myself up and couldn't sleep naked as I prefer (with covers off by morning usually) and so on. Not acceptable in my own bedroom he reluctantly agreed in the end.
So then fast forward to 'Bouncegate' and not only was he in our bedroom but next second there he was large as life actually on our bed .
Call me strange, but that's how l felt. I completely understand the OPs position.
<waits to be called strange several times >
My house has about an hour's outstanding housework at the moment. The public spaces and our bedrooms are clean and tidy (or at least as tidy as is likely on a wet day in the school holidays).
But the spare room would need another hour or so, because it's the office as well, and there's some unsorted paperwork, a couple of boxes waiting to go into the loft, etc. And I'd feel obliged to sort out the room upstairs which is morphing from dressing room/store room to nursery/baby's bedroom. Which realistically will take me a few hours if not a whole day to do properly.
So that's an extra day of work which doesn't need doing immediately, but would if we were to give someone free run of the house, even a non-snoopy, non-judgemental person. Like others upthread, I'd have managed it with a few weeks' notice but not overnight. DH is always amazed at the extra jobs I find to do before people stay even when we will be there too!
Add the complication of a guest with a history of snooping and I'd need a lot of extra time to sort every fricking drawer and cupboard in the house
I'm with you Bettern.
Why would an adult-or a child who know better, launch themselves onto someone else's newly made bed?
Surely it's only with the intention of annoying/messing it up?
"If people really feel that they have to clean to somebody else's standards, then I pity them"
some people really do though - because of the criticism they know they will get.
If I know I am going to have a house-guest for a prolonged period then I do stuff like clean out the cutlery drawer, because although I can live with fishing bits of crusty broccoli out of the knife compartment I imagine that other people might find it quite icky.
I also make sure the bathroom sink is looking clean, that my knickers aren't thrown all over the laundry basket - or indeed the house, and that coffee stains have been cleaned off wooden stairs, that there is nothing moulding away in the back of the fridge...
I know there are many people who would never let these things happen, or stay like that for long, but not all of us keep things spick and span all the time.
A lot of people have said that it would be different if it were OPs mother.
FWIW, my MIL snoops, they had lodgers once and she found a pair of dirty knickers belonging to a lodger and told all and sundry the lodger had an STD. Which MIL "diagnosed" from the state of her knickers. My Mum doesn't do things like that. So I would be happier having my Mum to stay!
Even so, the last time my Mum stayed while dh and I went away, she tried to help but one "improvement" she made was putting address labels on all the boys' drawers with "socks" or "vests" written on them. They won't come off easily and she didn't even put them in the right drawers! I am NOT complaining, she minded the boys for a week while dh and I went on a trip, but I would have preferred if she didnt'