put my foot in it big time

(26 Posts)
annie56 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:29:26

my only grandchild to be christened was baptised on sunday but I made a megga mistake at the party.
My sons g/f (babys mother) has never liked me and not let me spend time with my grandson who is now 3 months old. She tells my son not to leave the house with him if he's babysitting him and not to let anyone over there and she visits her friends and family with him but has never come here with or without my son. In fact my son had to sneak him over to our house while she was out on her birthday and that was only half an hour as she came home early
so to the christening.- we held him once and as he was crying (not knowing us well through her not letting him know us) she grabbed him back to her table with her family. She never came to our table once and never introduced us to her family. Every time we asked our son to bring baby over there was some reason he couldn't ( baby was hot, feeding, winding,sleeping) yet her step mother, sister, father all were holding him at various times.
We decided to leave as my daughter had come travelled with her 5 year old to the occasiona nd never got to hold the baby either. On leaving, I said bye and tried to kiss son's g/f's cheek and as usual she turned it so i could only get her ear , then I said - okay dont bother then - and we left. This has caused trouble now she calling me a child having a tantrum with f words used. I realize I probably should have held it together for the sake of my son who I am gutted for that he was upset.
I have sent an apology and a bunch of flowers but no reply. i dont expect her to forgive me or be my best friend, this will give her and her family ammunition to dislike me even more.
Her family never spoke all through christening and tho we could have introduced ourselves, they gave off a vibe of no interest so we stayed at our table. She has never put on clothes I have bought my grandson, never said thanks for gifts for her or baby.
My husband says leave it but as it was my first christening of a grandchild (I have 4 others but none been christened) I feel like I am to blame - which in a way I am but just couldn't stand being denied my grandson to hold - she only let me hold him when my sisters in laws were there, once theyw ent then the excuse started
what would anyone else do now?

Well, I would back off a bit.

I know that you want to know your grandson, but you may be coming across as overbearing to your son's girlfriend.

Do they live together?

i would ask them to visit you as a group... for whatever reason she is clearly uncomfortable leaving the child out of her sight. She maybe feels that she doesn't know you well and given what you have told us above- there seems to be a lot of aggro.

Relax. When the child is old enough he will come to you for a cuddle, but you have to get the mum on the right side first.

Have you asked your son why his girlfriend is so evasive?

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Tue 30-Jul-13 18:37:18

I think you were well within you're rights to say what you said, and actually I don't think I could have left it at that!
You need to talk to your son and explain that you really want to be a part of your grandchild's life.
Is your son happy with how things are? His partner seems quite controlling regarding what he can and can't do with his own child.
How often do you go and visit them? Have you offered to baby sit so they can have an evening out?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 30-Jul-13 18:38:30

What does your son say about the situation any clues as to why?

annie56 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:38:40

we used to get on well when she was about 16 then they split up and each had other partners, now they are 21 and been back together just over a year, she seems very aloof. I have invited them over for barbecue's etc, even asked to meet her mother when pregnancy was announced but that was cancelled
Yes they live together, in her mothers house that she is letting them live in til she sells it

Unless there is some back story where you ahve done and said horrible things to your DS's GF then she was being very rude and unreasonable.
You Son could have walked you round and introduced you to all the relatives so he dropped the ball on that one. Me being me, I'd have wandered about and introduced myself to her family, smiles, handshakes and get a feel for whats going on.
Your son is also being a doormat, allowing her to dictate whether he can leave the house with his own baby when she's not there and he is doing the care.

annie56 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:39:43

as for backing off. I have seen the baby about 6 times since he was born, I do not push my way in, I was on holiday when he was born

It sounds as if your DS is not "with" the mother of his baby, and if that is the case then this may well be at the bottom of the problem. If he is "with" her, then he needs to be a bit more forceful about involving his family in his babies life. As your grandchild grows up I'm sure that you will see more of him, I just get the feeling that there is more to this story.

Cross posted, sorry. In which case OP, I think your DS needs to say something.

annie56 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:46:51

I realized after that i could have walked around but everyone seemed in their cliques I did speak to her nan, aunt and her mother (sort of) I did ask my son to introduce us before the christening
No I have never said anything to her - on twitter her and her sister( a solicitor) and friend called me #wacky(my name) #demented (my name) decideing between them which was best - this was months ago and I have never mentioned that

annie56 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:49:52

I know, my son tells us she never even cleans - he gets up for work at 5 am - he is a tree surgeon and he gets home to find the dishes not even put in dishwasher - in early pregnancy she asked him to sign a paper that if they split up baby would revert to her surname - he never did

Ginnytonic82 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:56:55

Do you know why there is such bad feeling from your DS's GF? I would suggest speaking to your DS and trying to understand the problem. It was pretty unfair of her to behave this way, but also a bit odd that your son wouldn't challenge her. Hopefully if you talk to them you can iron it out and get on with enjoying being a grandma.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 30-Jul-13 19:42:46

That's quite an odd thing to ask,as they are not married she could have just called the baby what ever she wanted and there is nothing he could have done about it.

Tee2072 Tue 30-Jul-13 19:47:45

She sounds a bit unhinged and your son sounds like a doormat.

Tell him to grow some balls, it's his child too.

Footface Tue 30-Jul-13 19:55:04

You were within your rights to say somthing, personally I's expect your ds to say more to her, and stuck up for his family.

Personally I wouldn't send anything else, you're tried your best to apologies, and she's bit willing to except you into her life u would stop bothering and try to have a relationship with your dgs via your ds

Tell her what goes around comes around.

OwlinaTree Tue 30-Jul-13 20:02:37

You need to chat to your son about why she isn't making any effort with you. If he genuinely doesn't know, maybe ask him to chat to her about why she isn't making any effort with you. Do you genuinely want to be friends with her or do you just want more access to your grandchild? Is she picking up on this?

As for not doing any housework, well she has just had a baby, and i don't think comments like that from your son are going to help to improve things between all of you. Maybe she is worried about about being judged as a mum? Maybe she feels you disapprove of her?

If all else fails try writing her a letter to explain that you would like to be on better terms and would she be prepared to start again? You do need to take it slow tho, maybe invite them all round to start with and see how it goes. Good luck.

guiltyconscience Tue 30-Jul-13 20:08:19

In my book you didn't do anything wrong tbh you were severely provoked and it was deliberate, she now has an excuse. You have nowt to be sorry for. It's a nightmare for you she sounds a right cow. Jealous and insecure if you ask me. Your poor son and grandchild not to mention you and yours I do feel for you but really think you may have to keep well out of it for your own sanity .Sorry my dear.

EuphemiaLennox Tue 30-Jul-13 20:21:49

This is very sad for you.

I think the only way for you to deal with it is through yur son. Do you have a good relationship with him? You need to talk to him about how to deal with it.

I think you may have to accept that your relationship with your grandchild is going to be distant, and that it will be reliant on your son to ensure it happens at all.

If I we yu though as your grandchild grows I'd keep sending gifts, cards, letters, notes and whenever you get the chance to see them be super fun lovely nana. As they grow up they will want to see you and even of you're not around that much knowing their nana loves them will be very important to them. As they grow up your sons gf will be less able to control who they see in quite the way she can now and aas she has more she may want you to have them!

Accept you'll have no relationship with her but concentrate on being a loving if distant nana. I'm sure you'll get rewarded for it in the long term with a loving older grandchildsmile.

ALittleBitOfMagic Tue 30-Jul-13 20:23:08

If you have seen the baby 6 tines since birth and baby us 3 months , that averages at once a fortnight which seems ok . You say your dil won't visit and your son isn't allowed , so how have you been seeing the baby ? Are you going to their house ?

Maybe your dil Is feeling overwhelmed she's not long giving birth to her pfb . I agree you really should start by speaking to your ds and if that doesn't solve anything speak to your dil .

ALittleBitOfMagic Tue 30-Jul-13 20:24:22

Wow sorry for typos on phoneblush

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 30-Jul-13 20:41:11

I didn't even notice that the baby is only 3 months old.

Tbh if I saw a family member every 2 weeks and they complained it was not enough I would more than likely be peeved and drop such frequent visits.

EvaBeaversProtege Tue 30-Jul-13 20:46:37

I think they were very rude to you, but your son needs to man up too.

If I treated my mil the way she treated you at christening my dh wouldn't be best pleased.

It needs dealt with. I don't think you were being unreasonable saying what you said, it's just a pity it happened at the christening.

maddening Tue 30-Jul-13 20:57:26

Assuming that she is bu and it sounds like she is being over protective but this isn't too far out of the ordinary.

I would not complain to your son - everything you say will go back to dil and it will be lost in translation.

When you go round make a point of speaking to dil first - show concern and interest in her.

If you take a gift for baby and for her too.

Don't push (I know you haven't really but your stress will have shown through and with a post natal woman dealing with a newborn, all the hormones and recovery from birth it is easy for all this to be magnified ).

It's tough but you can either have it out (which has potential for blowing back in your face) or try and build bridges with dil.

MikeOxard Tue 30-Jul-13 21:04:12

You and the baby's mum are rude to each other and don't like each other. You're slagging her off on here about cleaning (it's none of your business, and if you hardly ever go there, how on earth would you know that anyway?), she's calling you weird on twitter - do you even know why you hate each other?

Even though you clearly don't get on, you were invited to the Baptism and got to hold the baby - so what are you complaining about there? Everyone wanted a hold, and everyone got one. You also say you don't see the baby enough, but it averages once every 2 weeks - that's much more often than mine or dh's parents see our kids, and we like and get on with both of our parents!

I think you are complaining quite a lot about not very much. If you want more than you're getting then you need to find out what the problem is and fix it. You could start by asking why they called you names on twitter - not in a confrontational way, but just saying 'look, there is clearly an issue here, what is it?!'

formicadinosaur Tue 30-Jul-13 21:08:07

I think once every two weeks is fine. It does sound like the mum is a bit too worried about the baby when out of sight. It might actually not be about you seeing the baby? Who knows?

It is really hard being a new mum and I wonder if she is coping ok? PND? Have you offered your help and support? A meal or cleaning. Do you seem very judgmental, if so aim to be more accepting and positive. The baby is only young and so the cleaning should particularly be a joint responsibility.

I do think you could have introduced yourself to all the relatives. You could have really got to know them. Arranged your own meet ups.. That was a great opportunity to make some inroads and you blew it by sitting back and expecting everyone to come to you. You chose not to make an effort. Glad you sent flowers but it does sound like you had an odd attitude. Maybe her moving the baby and you kissing the ear was unintentional.

annie56 Tue 30-Jul-13 22:20:14

mistake number 1 - I should have introduced myself to her family - some I did at church and some I already know, i am shy with new people actually
I did visit sons house once weekly at first as baby young and they soon grow up so went weekly and only for about half an hour
havent seen gs for about 3 weeks prior to christening
I have offered help and them to come here but she wont - she has family support anyway and friends
I spoke out of turn and regret it
thanks for help

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