To think I'm not a bad mum

(65 Posts)
jeanmiguelfangio Mon 29-Jul-13 14:44:41

To start my DD on solids at 5 months?

Ok background- my DD has reflux and is a hungry baby. I have spoke to my dr and HV and both have said it is ok to start solids. She has all three of the NHS criteria, sitting up, swallowing and can pick things up and put them in her mouth. She is a happy baby and we are literally giving her a teaspoon, if that, of fruit and veg a day at the moment as we have just started.

At a mums group today, I was talking to another mum who has done the same, our babies were born on the same day. Another decided we were both wrong and loudly told us how we were wrong and damaging our babies. She said she knows better because we are first time mums and she has 3. Then commented to a friend that just having a baby clearly doesn't make you a good mum.

Now I could be sensitive as have PND but it really upset me. Surely all babies are different and we aren't doing anything to harm our babies, but doing our best. Really knocked my confidence when it isn't exactly at its highest anyway! I'm questioning my decision now and really I know my DD best

HopALongOn Mon 29-Jul-13 14:46:31

Do not worry. That woman is a bitch. Im sure she is a bitch about many other things, do not take it personally.

AnneElliott Mon 29-Jul-13 14:49:07

Ignore her. My DS are food earlier than 6 months as he was starving. All babies are different.

jacks365 Mon 29-Jul-13 14:51:13

I have 4 children the oldest is now 19 years and the youngest not yet 2 and you wouldn't believe the changes in advice during that time so do not give it another thought besides current research is now going against leaving weaning till 6 months. You know your child and if she was ready she was ready. You I wouldn't judge but I must admit to hoiking the judgy pants when someone I know started weaning at 6 weeks, kept my mouth shut though.

redskyatnight Mon 29-Jul-13 14:51:31

I have a strong suspicion that your hv and dr have more experience of babies than a random woman at toddler group.

However, I started by DS on solids early with a similar backing from my hv/gp and I have looked back and wished I haven't. He was very hungry and didn't sleep much - I thought solids would help and they just didn't (if anything made it worse). In retrospect I wish I'd left it longer.

I'd advise you to be clear in yourself why you want DS to start solids and what you hope to happen. And then decide if it's the right thing to do. For example, I'd not realised that a baby will get less solids in an early weaning fruit/baby rice/veg type feed than they would from milk.

foslady Mon 29-Jul-13 14:51:54

When my dd was born she was weaned at 16 weeks as per guidelines - she's fine. Agree with HopALongOn - she was being a bitch. Your Dr and HV have ok'd it, so stuff her. And just because she's got three doesn't mean a damn thing about your parenting

Bugaboom Mon 29-Jul-13 14:54:06

She sounds awful! Ignore her. We started DS on solids at 5 months and it made a big improvement to his reflux.

ImNotBloody14 Mon 29-Jul-13 14:54:48

Ignore her. It seems everyone experiences other people telling them they're doing something wrong at one point or another- you know yourself that you arent damaging her and have the hv and gp recomendtion to back you up. Guidelines are between 4-6 months. You are within that time frame.

FirstStopCafe Mon 29-Jul-13 14:55:29

She sounds horrible. Ignore her if you can

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 29-Jul-13 14:56:25

I'm big on guidelines and research, but that woman was being an absolute bitch. If she was really concerned about what you're doing, there are supportive and gentle ways to offer information without making someone feel like shite.

FWIW, it sounds like you've been very sensible about approaching the issue and thinking about whether or not your DD can sit unsupported and coordinate her hand to mouth actions. I would pay more attention to that than whether or not they seem hungry or are sleeping through the night.

Smartiepants79 Mon 29-Jul-13 14:57:01

What a twat.
Ignore.
You have taken medical advice.
I weaned both mine around 5.5 months. Both happy, healthy and excellent eaters.
Apparently having babies doesn't make you a nice person either.

squoosh Mon 29-Jul-13 15:13:09

God, I'd have given her a piece of my mind, or a frosty dead eye stare at the very least.

Ignore her, she's clearly a cow.

jeanmiguelfangio Mon 29-Jul-13 15:13:14

I thought I was being a bit sensitive but she is that kind of a woman, kinda if she says it it is the right way and everyone else is wrong.
I'm giving it a go but am open to stopping if I don't think she is doing well.
She doesn't wake at night, and its the HV that said she must be a hungry girl because she has a lot of formula (that's the womans previous bugbear with me, I can't breastfeed due to scar tissue and other issues- she told me that she was guaranteed to die of SIDS)
I'm following the guidelines too, in terms of we are pretty much just feeding her fruit and veg and will slowly introduce other things after 6 months.
I wish I could just be a little more confident sometimes in my parenting- hoping that comes with time!

jeanmiguelfangio Mon 29-Jul-13 15:14:11

Squoosh I wish I did now, I am great 10 minutes after these things!!

purrpurr Mon 29-Jul-13 15:18:00

Jean, not trying to advocate violence here but how have you not punched this woman square in the face? Telling you your child would die from SIDS is absolutely disgusting. I'm so sorry someone said that to you, that is vile. Spitting feathers here on your behalf!

When she told you your baby would die from SIDS because you FF that should have been an indication that she is a nasty, spiteful bitch.

Please don't give this woman headspace. She is vile. Probably deeply insecure, but vile all the same.

McNewPants2013 Mon 29-Jul-13 15:19:38

I weaned at 4 months with DD, she was going through 9oz bottles of hungry milk every 1.5 hours.

The hv suggested this, and she also said its not the law to start weaning at 6 months its just a guideline and some will be ready before others.

On the contrast DS wouldn't touch solid until he was around 18 months and its been a slow process getting to eat anything. He is 7 now and will still only eat certain foods.

DS was started early on solids after seeing a paediatric consultant. You are doing what's best for your child with medical support, what more does she expect?

And any twat who tells you that your child is guaranteed to die due to drinking formula needs to shut the fuck up.

I weaned dd1 at 18 weeks and dd2 at 22 weeks. That woman is a total cow.

UnexpectedStepmum Mon 29-Jul-13 15:23:04

Well, interfering to criticise and undermine other mums' decisions - she sounds like a great role model! Don't give this nasty person another thought, you know what is right for your child. FWIW, Desmond Morris stated that biologically the right weaning age for our species is around four months. When I was a baby I was weaned at 10 weeks by my mum cutting the end of the bottle and adding Weetabix to milk. The recommendation now is six months but it's been around five with both of mine because I felt that was right for them.

HappyJustToBe Mon 29-Jul-13 15:26:29

Babies don't all walk, talk, get teeth, sleep through etc at the same time so why would they be ready for solids at the same time? I waited until after 6 months because DD was not interested until then. Your DD appears ready. They are all different.

You would have thought having more children would gave relaxed her a bit!

As for the FF what did she want you to do, in all seriousness, if you physically can't BF? What an idiot.

Please just laugh at her ridiculousness and don't take it to heart.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet Mon 29-Jul-13 15:27:16

One of my friends saw a paediatrician a couple of wks ago who said the NHS was about to revise the guidelines downwards to 17 weeks, which I think is the European standard, after new research.

anyway she's your baby and you know best. ignore the witch!

grumpyoldbat Mon 29-Jul-13 15:31:21

You are not a bad mum. What that woman said was horrible and nasty. The current advice is about 6 months. Every baby is different and being a good mum is tailoring what you need to do for your own child's individual needs. Sounds like that is exactly what you are doing.

mumblechum1 Mon 29-Jul-13 15:34:32

DS is almost 19 and was weaned at, iirc, 14 weeks because that was the fashion at that point.

He's perfectly healthy.

ThisIsMySpareName Mon 29-Jul-13 15:35:22

Why is it most people can agree that all babies are different when it comes to crawling, walking, talking etc. If a parent is concerned the "They all do things in their own time" or "They'll do it when they're ready" line gets (quite rightly) trotted out.

However, when it comes to weaning, even the sanest parent can turn into some weird, guideline controlled automaton "You must not wean until 6 months, no matter what."

Why? What is it that happens at exactly six months to ALL babies that make weaning any different to any other development milestone. No-one would tell a mom whose baby started crawling at 6 months (when it is generally expected between 7 and 10 months) that they were a bad mother and somehow damaging their child.

It's a guideline, not the fucking law!

OP - you have done the right thing by ensuring that your DD is developmentally ready. Being hungry in and of itself is not a sign that she is ready, but sitting up, swallowing and picking things up are and if she is not ready you will know.

Maybe try a few finger foods instead of just puree as that will give you a better idea of her readiness (and really blow bitch mums mind when you let your DD feed herself a bit of banana at the next playgroup wink)

WestieMamma Mon 29-Jul-13 15:42:11

One of my friends saw a paediatrician a couple of wks ago who said the NHS was about to revise the guidelines downwards to 17 weeks, which I think is the European standard, after new research.

That would tie in with my experience here in Sweden where weaning is recommended from 4 months.

thebody Mon 29-Jul-13 16:05:13

oh op she's a stupid silly bitch love.

my dss were given solids at 3 months as per advice at the time.. 89/91.

my dds were around 4 months, 99/2000.

advice is just that, advice. and it changed all of the time, sometimes reverting completely backwards to previous discarded advice.

you know your baby best, make up your own mind.

tell her to respectfully fuck off.

OP, ignore her. All babies are different, each reaches their own developmental stage sin their own time. My DS1 was weaned at 3 months ('93), my DS2, DD1 were weaned at about 4 months ('98, 99), my DS2 was probably about 5 months ('01) and DD2 was over 6 months ('08), with the exception of DS1 I didn't worry about the advice too much, I went by my own instinct telling me when they were ready. I did try to wean DD2 at 4 months and at various times after that, but she just wasn't interested at all. You are not a bad mother for following your child's lead on this. And believe me, your DC will be much better off having you for a mother than that womans poor DCs sad

Mind you, if you were thinking of giving your DC a fruit shoot.... wink

jeanmiguelfangio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:21:49

Justforlaughs it is a little tempting to wash out a fruit shoot bottle and fill with water mwahahaha!!
Thanks all really made me feel better, it's tough when people are trying to contradict you and you know you are doing the right thing. Can you tell I need a bit of a confidence kick!
I ignored the SIDS comment, I had already ignored a similar one in hospital so I knew I was doing the best for her, it was either that or starve! She is one of those that thinks we can all BF and those who don't are just lazy. Screw her, also they have all slept through blahblahblah

thanks to all, vipers my butt

All babies are different, some don't get this-such as the woman you describe!
She was a b****, ignore, ignore, ignore

LizzieVereker Tue 30-Jul-13 08:32:04

What an unpleasant woman, please do the Fruitshoot thing OP!

I am sitting here looking at a 5''11, slim, healthy 14 yr old chap who was exclusively formula fed and weaned at 4 months. He says he feels fine...

Take no notice, you're doing great flowers

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:32:14

What jacks365 said. In most almost all of the 20th century you would have been considered a bad mum for not giving your child solids until 6 months. All three of my children, me, and probably the vast, vast majority of people on this board, and in the UK today will have been weaned by around 4 months. My guess is that before this decade is out, official BMA advice will be to wean at around 4 months.

mumblechum1 Tue 30-Jul-13 08:42:26

My guess is that before this decade is out, official BMA advice will be to wean at around 4 months.

And there will be a lot less sleepless nights as the poor buggers aren't starving!

HollyBerryBush Tue 30-Jul-13 08:43:35

Advice changes all the time - and it is just that - advice.

lougle Tue 30-Jul-13 08:47:13

I weaned dd1 at 14 weeks on hv advice. She was grabbing food of my plate and shoving it in her mouth. DD2 wasn't interested until 7 months.

Cuddlydragon Tue 30-Jul-13 08:50:50

OP. I have a reflux baby and weaned a few weeks early on medical advice. There's a great Facebook group set up by the UK charity living with Reflux. Lots of supportive mums sharing their expertise and advice on what worked for their babies. Some reflux babies have food intolerances as part and parcel of the condition, so if you hit a bump in the weaning road, don't automatically let your self doubt niggle that it's something you did. My lo hasn't looked back since he started solids.

vladthedisorganised Tue 30-Jul-13 08:56:49

She didn't happen to frequent mother and baby groups in the south east about three years ago, did she?

I remember having the same insane comments from a mum who was aghast that I weaned DD a full three weeks before the recommended 6 months. She was permanently hungry and by the time she'd actually consumed a bit of my fruit herself, I figured it was OK to start. She's now a perfectly healthy 3 year old and still likes fruit.

My nutcase also said that DD would be 'not bright enough for baby-led weaning because she was mix-fed and FF babies have far lower intelligence'. She couldn't remember whether she herself was FF grin

jeanmiguelfangio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:58:26

Thanks cuddly, will go have a look at that, DH is lactose intolerant and we are ok with that phew!!
Actually I am enjoying it, seeing her explore with flavours and her spoon. Learning on both our parts and its all a good step.

mootime Tue 30-Jul-13 09:00:18

Agree with the others, she's a bitch.
All babies are different. DS struggled with reflux and I eventually gave him food at 5 months (hv suggested earlier due to reflux) it made a massive difference to his reflux (if not his sleep....).

jeanmiguelfangio Tue 30-Jul-13 09:03:11

I am in the south east Vlad so possibly! Oh of course they do FF babies are clearly stupid- I shouldn't say it but developmentally my DD is quite far ahead of her baby and hers is older. I don't want to judge others because they judge me but I suppose she deserves it a bit

You're following her signs - that's the right thing to do? Better than shovelling purees in a newborn and better than waiting until exactly 6 months - the guidance is around six months when they meet the signs.

bumbleymummy Tue 30-Jul-13 09:09:18

I think she was very rude.

I do wonder why a few spoonfuls of puréed apple/carrot would fill up a hungry baby though. Milk has a lot more calories.

LifeIsSoDifferent Tue 30-Jul-13 09:12:36

Only read your OP but that women was just being nasty and rude. There is nothing wrong with what your doing, each child is different and needs different things. Just because she has 3 kids doesn't make her an expert/good mum or person

Rufus43 Tue 30-Jul-13 09:18:43

My children were weaned at 4 months because that was the advice at the time

Just tell her that the HV told you that your child is very advanced for its age

Flobbadobs Tue 30-Jul-13 09:21:29

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more. Practise a good slightly sneery face and point it in this womans direction if she ever opens her mouth at you again! A casual mention that a fully qualified health care professional made the recommendation wouldn't go amiss either..
Fwiw, it's perfectly possible to be a good mum after your first child, just as it's perfectly possible to be quite rubbish after having 3...
I have a fond memory of Dd's first taste of food, her older brother decided that it was unfair that we were having his favourite pizza and she couldn't have any, so he shared his. She was about 4 months old at the time! We have a picture of her holding a crust with pizza sauce around her mouth, ot's one of my favourite photos of her because it brings back memories of a fun meal together smile
Oh, and ask to see another HV if you still feel the need to see one at all, yours doesn't sound too good x
YANBU at all.

Finola1step Tue 30-Jul-13 09:37:29

Goodness me, why do some people not have any verbal filtering skills? The woman at the baby group is simply an unpleasant person who probably thinks she has every right to "inform" new mothers on the correct way if doing things (e.g. her way).

Steer clear OP. Unless when you do talk to her, take everything with a large pinch if salt. Then share her pearls of wisdom on here for us to laugh at.

KatOD Tue 30-Jul-13 09:41:40

I'm with purrpurr, tell us where she lives wink

No you're not a bad mum, you're taking all the available information an trying to make the eat decision for your child rather than blindly following guidelines. Good for you. I'd say something to your friend at baby group along the lines of "it's amazing how having 3 children can make you think you're more qualified than you are to pass judgement incorrectly on other people's parenting". Silly bitch.

Fwiw my dd had awful reflux, was always starving, slept very badly. I was advised to wean early and did at 5mo and, while it didn't solve anything, it made things easier and her happier (I couldn't breastfeed either and yes you feel guilty but that's life).

Good luck and ignore the ignorant cow.

When my nephew was born 8 years ago the advice was 4 months. When DS was born 2 years later the advice was 6 months. It's only to prevent them getting unsuitable things such as meat before 6 months. I gave DS baby rice at 5 months. He was a very hungry baby, I had reluctantly mix fed because he was so hungry and a nice side effect of baby rice once a day was that he had less formula. My mum said, let them have a taste when they show an interest in your food, so that's what guided me rather than the guidelines. DD wasn't weaned until 6 months, because she wasn't interested and I did a much more BLW thing with her.
I cannot abide people who comment like that, how dare she? Even when another mum told me that she was feeding her 3 month old weetabix 3 times a day I managed to STFU as it wasn't my business.
You are doing great.

minniemagoo Tue 30-Jul-13 09:55:49

Well done on getting proper advice from medical professionals and not taking anecdotal evidence from other mums whose kids are and always will be different to your own.
I went through so much of this BS from other 'helpful' mums they made me question myself so much when I should be enjoying my kids.
Dd2 had severe problems with milk, we tried all sorts of formulas, even those on prescription and she was admitted for obs for a while. It was horrendous, being worried, sleep deprived and feeling inadequate. She finally started solids in Hosp at 11wks (9wks adjusted) and completely turned a corner. Is 6 now and thriving, no allergies, very healthy. I would NEVER advise as other mum to do this: always medical advice first but the number of mothers who tutted at me despite the circumstances was unbelievable.
I also learned a hard lesson when nearly everyone recommended aloe versa for dd1s dry skin so I tried it and it turns out she got a severe reaction, it badly burned through her skin, it really gave me a backbone so now I deal with these busybodies much better.

mrsjay Tue 30-Jul-13 10:00:33

och my dd is 20 we started weaning at 16 weeks back then with dd who is 5 years younger it was 20 weeks, things have changed but at 5 months it isn't that far off 6 is it just start to wean your baby and bugger what anybody else thinks,

hufflebottom Tue 30-Jul-13 10:00:46

let her get on with it, you're doing great, you've got advice, just ignore her.

dd started solids at 5 months, but that was because she wanted to.

ThePowerof3 Tue 30-Jul-13 10:01:30

What an ignorant and vicious baby, since when does formula feeding 'almost guarantee your baby will die of SIDs' WTAF

mrsjay Tue 30-Jul-13 10:03:14

oh and dont be put of going to your group if you enjoy going this woman is an arse and you need to ignore her and maybe have a word with th e group organiser ,

ShabbyButNotChic Tue 30-Jul-13 10:06:35

Of course yanbu! You know your own child, and if hv etc think they are ready as well then im sure you are doing great smile babies dont follow rule books ffs, and they dont know how old they are! They just know they are starving!

My aunt likes to tell everyone who moans about early weaning that my cousin was weaned at 6 weeks (milk allergy). He is now a 28 year old 6'4 fireman, its family joke that he was a right greedy bugger who couldnt wait to get on the food smile

WireCat Tue 30-Jul-13 10:07:27

Due to feeding problems, my 1st was weaned at 12 weeks! Back then & for dc2 weaning was at 4 months.

For dc3 weaning guide lines were 6 months & tbh he began feeding himself just short of 6 months (this is apparently baby led weaning. In his case it was his refusal to be fed by me!)

It's not like you're forcing a curry down him at a week old so carry on what you're doing x

ThePowerof3 Tue 30-Jul-13 10:09:01

Woman not baby!

WireCat Tue 30-Jul-13 10:15:47

thepowerof3 (I'm following you around the board today!)

That has floored me. Guarentee SIDS. Quite bizarre considering all 3 of mine were formula fed.

There are some utter cunts out there. Fancy saying such an awful thing. I'd love to find that woman and tell her. and punch her

jeanmiguelfangio Tue 30-Jul-13 11:02:13

I think she is one of those who thinks everyone loves her, I really enjoy the group and the other mums have been great and I love chatting and to be honest getting out of the house too!
I know weaning is all about the baby, she was grabbing stuff from our plates too but I'm not confident with BLW at her age but she actually grabs the spoon and feeds herself, she so wants to be a big girl!!! I am excited about weaning and don't want silly women telling me stuff like that
And of course I will keep going, if only to educate you all with her top parenting grin

MiaowTheCat Tue 30-Jul-13 11:23:36

I would be complaining to the group organisers about the SIDS comment to be honest and trying to hey the bitch kicked out for saying stuff like that. No one should ever have to go to a baby group to be told by some loon that their baby is pretty much guaranteed to die, good God!

Currently trying to stop dd1 weaning her sister on a building block- does that constitute baby led weaning?!

IfIonlyhadsomesleep Tue 30-Jul-13 11:23:50

The thing that having three children has taught me is how little I know about children! Weaning when your baby is ready, at six months, give or take (which includes five months as far as I can see) seems fine.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Tue 30-Jul-13 12:14:09

Proportion of babies to die of SIDS in the UK:- 0.036%
Proportion of mothers who mix feed or ff by 6 months:- 99%

Something tells me that maths wasn't her strongest subject at school!

ThePowerof3 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:39:55

Me too wirecat, my 6 yr old FF daughter is alive and well thankfully! Seriously though what poisonous things to say

jeanmiguelfangio Tue 30-Jul-13 16:46:33

Thanks for the stats SIDS is a big worry for everyone I think so knowing its that low is good for me- I'm a worrier

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 19:35:50

Blimey if FF 'almost guarantees' that a baby will die of SIDS then the human race in the western world would have died out long ago! What an utter, utter, scaremongering baseless load of old tosh.

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