(51 Posts)
Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:25:38

Quick help please from the early risers squad.
I am due to have DS2 on Thursday. DH starts new job basing him away from home from following Monday. (This can't be avoided - he is gutted). DM agreed to be his stand in, and take over looking after me, DS1 and newborn, for best part of 6 weeks. All great. :-))

Now, months ago, DS and her Husband planned to have family holiday in London so to be close to us when DS2 is born, see baby etc. They have 2 kids of their own, aged 4 and 2. But now BIL says he can't take 10 days off (is boss of v successful company - has had 2 weeks off for holidays with mates this year). So now this is the plan:

DM (aged mid 60s) is coming on train with DS and my nephews, day before c section, Wednesday, they are then going to stay in hotel together. I have c section on Thursday, DS can't visit as there is no one to look after kids, except for max of 10 mins. On Friday, BIL is coming to London for business meeting (he has chosen this date), so Friday morning DS is going to accompany him, and DM can't come to hospital as she is baby sitting the kids. Friday afternoon we had designated in laws and for DS1 to meet new baby. Saturday, BIL goes home leaving DS in London with 2 kids and my DM being there as back up. On Sunday night, DM comes to mine to be sudo hubby. DS then wanted to come to our village on the Tuesday and hang out all kids together and my DM, 5 days after c section....

I appreciate this is complicated, feel free to give up, but I guess AIBU that I just wanted my mum to have no distractions week I gave birth, and also for her to be fresh for when she is going to be stand in for my Dh. There is no way she will have the energy to help with my DS's kids and then us.

Plus I am being told I am being unreasonable by all involved and all this is so DS can see the baby. But she will only see him for 10 mins on the Thursday, and for the remaining time she is choosing a business meeting (she doesn't have to go - if I told you why she was going it would be a big red flag) and otherwise will have her kids to mind.

Didn't want my DM to be pulled in different directions, 2 daughters during this week. DS always has a habit if needing my DM, and her needs taking precedence, e.g on family holidays (mainly because BIL chooses to be stare at his blackberry instead). Also early in year, DS got upset at thought of having to share DM with me as quote "I see you as my mum only".

Please don't flame me if IABU, have moved house, having baby, dH starting new job all in same 4 weeks, so feeling quite stressed...

YANBU, but my God, you confused with your DSs!

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:31:29

Sorry, all DS references are about DSiS, not son!! Especially the reference to not wanting to share her mother!! Sorry.

Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 07:35:11


Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:36:26

Ok. Will pull thread. Probably too hormonal to write anything that made sense!

I might be being daft, but why can't your DM, DS or whoever bring the children to visit you?
YANBU to think that YOU should come first right now, just a bit confused about why they are all babysitting.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 28-Jul-13 07:37:49

I didnt read all the ins and outs but yanbu your mum is coming to help you, not entertain your sister. not much you can do if nobody will listen to you.

And for what it's worth, my DM wouldn't be able to cope with that either. Try to take one day as it comes, it will probably all be so much easier to deal with as it comes. You'll be so wrapped up in DS2 that you won't be worried about what anyone else is doing (except DS1 of course)

Well I think YABU to want your mum fresh & undistracted for you. Your mum is an adult & entitled to spend her time how she wishes whether that's nightclubbing, seeing her other grandchildren or gardening. And she doesn't have to look after you - it's nice that she is, but I think dictating how she spends her time before she sees you is going a bit far really.

You would be quite entitled to tell your sister to leave seeing you though (although i presume she'll be off doing other things with the kids as well & as she's there may as well see you for ten mins)

CaptainSweatPants Sun 28-Jul-13 07:41:30

Why is she going to a business meeting ?
God how annoying the whole thing sounds !
Do you really want your mum living with you for 6 weeks anyway? !

People do treat subsequent children quite differently btw. First child everyone makes a fuss, second, third & onwards you're very much expected to get on with it - c section or not (btdtgtts). I would get your mum making a fuss of your eldest dc while she's there - that's prob the most practical help she can be.

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:45:11

She is going business meeting as they usually give away fab freebie stuff. I know I can't dictate my DM's life, just wish I had been allowed to be focus of attention from Thursday for a week, now I am not. Probably very petty and childish. I imagine, it is the hormones plus all the othe stress of moving house, Dh starting new job away and this is the straw that has broken the camel's back.

Loveleopardprint Sun 28-Jul-13 07:45:16

Will you have your DH there from the Thursday to Sunday anyway?? It all sounds a little bit panicky as anyone would be about to have second child and DH going away. Don't worry and let it all sort itself out without upsetting you. I am sure you will be the priority.

I missed you had her coming for 6 weeks??? I love my mum, she's been a great help each birth (and all mine have been sections) but we would have driven each other mad had she been there for 6 weeks. I think you just have to let her do what she wants of she's coming for that long tbh.

saintlyjimjams in my experience, it was the younger siblings who got and get the attention!

saintly sorry, misread, thought you were talking about OP and her sister, not about this being a second birth. blush

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:48:21

Thanks loveleapardprint, That pretty much sums it up. Bl@@dy hormones and panicky. Will try and put it in context. :-))

OP - I mean this nicely - it was a bit of a shock to me as well- is that you just don't get the fuss second time round that everyone makes the first. The focus is often the existing child/ren (which is fair enough they need it) and ime people pay little attention to the mother. If your mum is on hand to help cook meals and look after your older child that first painful post section week I would just sit back & let it all happen around you to be honest. Don't concern yourself with the details.

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:55:58

I had not thought about it being second time round, and you just have to get on with it. So doesn't feel like I should be going into this as an experienced hand! Feeling as nervous as first time!!
Guess I am just upset at DSis pulling on my DM, which is somthing she has done quite a bit of in te past, and I didn't think she would do it this week. Obviously it is my insecurities at playing second fiddle to my DSIS that have upset me... Will work on them. (I know my DM loves us both equally) got I am mid 30s with silly sibling rivalry issues - tells self to grow up!!!!

I think your sister is irrelevant really OP. she sounds a bit erm pushy grin but I would just leave her to it. Put your feet up as much as you can & get breastfeeding (if you're doing that) established. I found that much harder with my third because I was rushing around so much. If your eldest is occupied with granny & cousins it'll help you even if your sister is being full on. I can understand you being irritated & it does sound as if there's history but honestly just use the opportunity to bond with your baby.

youarewinning Sun 28-Jul-13 08:21:16

I actually don't think your being silly. I am also someone who's DSis clicks her fingers and DM goes running too - it does make you feel second best.

Good luck with DS2. I agree that actually getting your DM to take DS1 out with Dsis and DN may be the better option for you.

katykuns Sun 28-Jul-13 08:25:14

YANBU. I would be anxious too. The first couple of months are a challenge and you don't know how long it will take to heal and be back on your feet. My sister is quite similar in that her children are deemed more important and my Mum rushes around like a blue arsed fly for them and hardly spends time with my two. I personally would try not to say anything though, as I suspect your mum would react like mine... which would just be guilt and trying to stretch herself even further!

How old is your DC1? I found the first few weeks a lot easier than I expected when I had my second, but she was 5 so she could do many things herself.

I really feel for you. Particularly when your DH will be away at a new job and he no doubt will be miserable too sad Take it easy and try not to stress x

meganorks Sun 28-Jul-13 08:25:34

It does all sound a bit much so yanbu. Had a elcs 3 wks ago and to be honest, the fewer visitors in hospital the better. I only had dp and then gp's came an hour a day with dd1. Even that felt a lot as baby feeding all night and not sleeping.
Dsis probably wouldn't be able to bring kids as someone suggests as only siblings allowed on Ward.
This all sounds a bit lolr things are going to ne made harder for you rather than easier. Might be tempted to tell them all to do one. Your sis and kids aren't staying with you too are they?!
Fyi - I am finding recovery from elcs better than previous cs. But dp had 3 wks off with me and he was taking care of dd1 most of time.

BoundandRebound Sun 28-Jul-13 08:34:46

You will be in hospital for a minimum of 4 days. You will have your mother when you get home

All will be well

Not sure about that these days bound. I was out of hospital 2 days after having my third section, & a friend was out a day after having a section. They needed the beds.

Does the rule about siblings only apply to all hospitals now, or does it depend on where you are? My DNs and indeed friends kids came to see me (in limited numbers), five years ago now! and the lady in the bed next to me must have had at least 12 children plus adults at one time.

Vivacia Sun 28-Jul-13 08:45:44

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to be hurt and frustrated by this. You realised that you needed support, asked for help and got it in place. Now your sister has hi-jacked arrangements for her convenience. She sounds as though she's been quite opportunistic.

However, I don't think there's anything you can do, because it's actually your mum who has made the decisions here. She could/should have told your daughter that she was already busy doing X, Y and Z for you. She hasn't, so I think you'll just have to accept where you stand.

DidoTheDodo Sun 28-Jul-13 08:47:52

Sorry, your post did my eyes bleed a bit and I didn't get all the way through it.
However, the bit I did read made it sounds as though you are actually more pissed off at not being the centre of attention (how dare BIL take a holiday!!!?) than making arrangements for yuor impending birth. Natural in many ways, but not really reasonable or helpful for you.

I'd concentrate on the practical issues in hand and ignore what the rest of your family are doing with their own time unless they are being of help to you.

Vivacia Sun 28-Jul-13 08:50:25

Dido I interpreted the BiL comment as pointing out that the OP's partner is absent due to work and the sister's partner is absent due to having spent two weeks on a lads' holiday. I get the sense that the BiL isn't a present a father as the OP's.

Vivacia Sun 28-Jul-13 08:53:38

BeautifulBabyBoy I was a bit pessimistic in my first reply. Would it be worth trying to explain to your mum your concerns about needing her support (state specifically what) and now you're worried because of your sister's arrangements and requirements?

I suppose it depends upon how you actually made the arrangements. Did you "book" her in for the explicit purpose of childcare and husband stand-in at the birth, or is she having a holiday in your town, staying in a local hotel etc at the same time as you're giving birth?

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 09:05:43

Thanks guys. The BIL reference was to point out he can take holiday when he wants to, he can be a bit selfish at times. If he was down in London with my sis - then their focus would be on their own family holiday, leaving my mum free to relax and support me. Now my mum has to be surrogate husband to both my sister and me! I did specifically book my mum in for this time, with dates and everything working around DH's absence. I can get anxious, am nervous about PND and wanted to make sure I had done all I could re support systems both physically and mentally. The problem is my mum will be tired helping my sis with her kids, there is no getting away from it. I am anticipating a hard week at home when release from hospital - not least because my first born son (aged 2) does not sleep through, still cries during fhe night and wakes at 5.30.

The plans I had in place have been changed to suit BIL's and sis's wishes. I just wanted my mum to be excited and well rested, not 5 days into full on child care (which is what my sis generally asks/gets when she comes to mine stay for the first week). She is going home 2nd week as Dh has a few days off to come back.

MissDuke Sun 28-Jul-13 09:13:20

YANBU. When bil decided he couldn't get the time off, surely your sis should have rescheduled her break, or at least shortened it. I am a bit unclear how long she plans to stay, but it sounds like 10 days or so - who would want to go on holiday without their husband for that long, even if she will briefly see him at a meeting? She is clearly only doing it because she expects your mum to help her out a lot, which is so unfair of her to make that assumption, especially when it was clear your mum was going to be there to help you.

I hope you have a very straightforward birth and recovery so that you don't need as much help as you imagine anyway x

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 09:21:09

Miss duke that is it in a nutshell. I have been told of the change in plans as a fait accompli, and because i am questioning them, I am told I am being unreasonable by the family. Also the guilt trip has been quite huge ie. sis wants to spend the 10 days in London to be close to you - except that obviously as she has to look after her 2 tiny kids she can't...

Am probably pessimistic about the birth and DH going away, fingers crossed things won't be as bad as I fear.

HeySoulSister Sun 28-Jul-13 09:22:25

Paternity leave for your DH?

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:30:35

YANBU, but I don't fancy your chances at changing anything. You'll need to channel your inner zen and ride through it till your sister goes I think.

I do think your being treated inconsiderately considering you'll be having surgery, new baby and toddler and dealing with it all without your DH. I know I'd be looking forward to a bubble for the following couple of weeks without watching people coming and going to some mad timetable. All your focus is on your CS, you need a bit of calm after to adjust.

ZillionChocolate Sun 28-Jul-13 09:32:26

Yanbu to be disappointed and anxious. Have faith in your mum to be there when you really need her. Try not to worry, it's too soon to know exactly how things will work out.

HeySoulSister Sun 28-Jul-13 09:22:25
Paternity leave for your DH?

OP's DH si just about to start a new job, so no paternity leave.

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 10:42:27

Exactly - no paternity leave. The start date was this one and he would be based 200 miles away in uk, or 3 weeks later and training course would be in holland for 3 months. We chose the uk to give us a bit of flexibility coming home.

Anyway, so just had a call off my mum who said she was disappointed by my attitude, and obviously I am having some form of anxiety attack as I am being irrational. But she said she would tell my sister this would not be a good time to come - delay a few weeks. I said that would be good, and that I was hurt that when the original plans changed no one thought to involve me in the new ones. I get off the phone.

30 mins later, just now, get text saying she has spoken to sis and they are going to stick to original plans and I should go and do some meditation. Unbelievable. It just goes to show my sis says jump and my mum asks how high.

digerd Sun 28-Jul-13 10:48:05

Your sis is on holiday, for 10 days, so why does she need your DM to look after her DC? confused. You need your DM after C-section birth to look after your other DC, your sis does not need your DM.

ohforfoxsake Sun 28-Jul-13 10:51:56

YANBU. Given your Dsis is in a position to change her plans and you are not, and you are having a baby its not too much to ask your own mother to put you first.

They do know you don't have DH there don't they?

I'd be inclined to tell them to piss off and get some friends in.

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 10:58:50

Because my sis relies v heavily on my mum every day, they live next door but 2 to each other. My sis is v used to saying to mum, I need this/that/other/will you help/watch/mind/got to pop out. This is how their relationship is. I live 250 miles away, on the very rare occasion I make any demand on my mum's time, It is usually met with exasperated sigh of inconvenience, and you chose to move away. Which I suppose i did.

DH says "I know how their relationship dynamic is, and I know how I feature in it, very much loved but none the less second fiddle. So I should stop being surprised and hurt, when my sis takes over and dominates my mother's time and energy"

Right, enough self wallowing am off to mothercare to buy a big brother little brother t-shirts for when we leave the hospital. :-))

oscarwilde Sun 28-Jul-13 11:02:59

Your sister is being selfish and inconsiderate, your mother thinks she is superwoman and you are being asked to be a doormat since everyone knows you are totally stuck for childcare while you are in hospital. You should be angry. The only reason your sister won't delay is the freebie meeting presumably.

I'd tell them all to bog off and get a nanny/friend/the mn famous doula/mothers help to step in instead of your mum but I'm guessing that's not an option. Easier to manage a toddler post section than have a houseful of guest imo, especially since it sounds like your sister will consider it a holiday and leave your mum to do childcare at every opportunity.
Can your mum take DS to herswink
I'd be giving my sister an earful while I can still blame it on hormones! Tell her you'll murder her if she disappears once and leaves your mum to it.

HeySoulSister Sun 28-Jul-13 11:04:55

I think you need to re think the whole thing.

Neither your mum or sis can be relied on here

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 11:06:08

Ohforfox - am sorely tempted to get friends in!

YANBU! So selfish of your sister and totally unfair of them to try to make you feel like you are being overly anxious. It sounds like you'd be better off without any of them there.
I'm cross for you OP!

So get the friends in! Might send a message to your sis and mum that you're not a doormat any longer.

Onesleeptillwembley Sun 28-Jul-13 11:47:56

You all sound overly dependant on your mum, and childish. 6 weeks? You are all making dramas out of not even a bloody crisis.

Almostfifty Sun 28-Jul-13 12:03:40

How old is your Mum?

ohforfoxsake Sun 28-Jul-13 20:29:46

When you have a baby is the one time you should come first in your family. It's not being overly dependant, it happens a few times in an entire life time. The OP needs help and her mum would naturally be the first person to call on given DH isn't around (and maybe even before DH).

I don't really understand a mother who wouldn't put her daughter first in this instance.

6 weeks is a long time but I presume that's because of the c-section? Couldn't have my mother with me for 6 weeks mind you. wink

ShellyBoobs Sun 28-Jul-13 21:48:49

I agree; get friends in if you need to.

And I think it's perfectly reasonable to be feeling vulnerable and a bit panicky with everything that's going on.

Perhaps if you have friends lined up to help if needed, you'll at least be a little more relaxed about things and not worrying soo much.

Good luck with it all, too!

Vivacia Sun 28-Jul-13 22:11:08

I agree, start protecting yourself from their comments and the disappointments. Tell them they were right, you meditated and now realise how selfish you were being. You hope they enjoy the sumer and that they'll be able to visit in September.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now