...to think it's not such a big deal that DH has had the snip?

(193 Posts)
HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 20:28:05

We've got 2 DC and are pretty confident we don't want anymore, so he's just had it done. Yet when I mention it to people (family/friends) they seem horrified. And it's not just because I am daring to discuss it!

Our reasoning follows thusly:

1) We don't want any more kids, so a long-term no-fertilisation solution is required.
2) Our choices seem to be: a) no sex ever ugh b) condoms every time c) I stay on hormonal contraception for 15-20 years d) I get tubal ligation e) he gets the snip.
3) Of all those options, the snip seems to be the least risky and most effective.

So what's the problem with these people?!

If it upsets you too, please come and explain to me why. If you've been in my position, please tell me your best ripostes grin

meditrina Sat 27-Jul-13 20:29:59

"I'd prefer not to discuss my DH's testicles, thank you"

(How do all these people know, anyhow?)

HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 20:37:38

He got drunk on multiple occasions and told people (i.e. all our friends) he was doing it. They looked startled!

Then a few months later my parents came up to help me look after the kids while he recovered from the op. Friends asked where he was when I went to a kid's party and I saw no reason to lie about it. One of the men (a friend's husband) made a comment about DH being less of a man now, which I thought was rather an odd remark. It was definitely earnest, not joking. My dad made similar remarks.

I just find their attitude odd. I acknowledge their right to state their opinions, but that doesn't mean I can't disagree with them!

HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 20:37:38

He got drunk on multiple occasions and told people (i.e. all our friends) he was doing it. They looked startled!

Then a few months later my parents came up to help me look after the kids while he recovered from the op. Friends asked where he was when I went to a kid's party and I saw no reason to lie about it. One of the men (a friend's husband) made a comment about DH being less of a man now, which I thought was rather an odd remark. It was definitely earnest, not joking. My dad made similar remarks.

I just find their attitude odd. I acknowledge their right to state their opinions, but that doesn't mean I can't disagree with them!

BridgetBidet Sat 27-Jul-13 20:40:05

I worked in an Assisted Conception Unit. You would not believe the about of couples being treated there because the man had a vasectomy in a previous relationship which then broke down.

I do think it's rash to be honest. Unless you're absolutely certain that you will never want any more kids even if your relationship breaks down I think that it's a bit of a risk to take TBH. I've seen it happen with friends as well, bloke has vasectomy, relationship breaks down, wife goes on to have kids with someone else but he is severely limited in his relationship options because he's effectively infertile.

It's strange isn't it, it seems that women getting tubal ligation is far more acceptable to people than vasectomy seems to be.

A friend of mine recently underwent a vasectomy, and a few (female!) mutual friends commented to me how wrong it was of her (his partner) to 'make' him have it done, because, get this
"What if they break up and he wants to have kids with another woman. It makes more sense for her to have it done because she's had her kids." hmm

Can't get why it's anyone else's business but your own! So much weirdness around it.

2rebecca Sat 27-Jul-13 20:46:00

I agree with Bridget. Oftenthe woman is the one pressurising the man into a vasectomy because she doesn't want more kids. Fine if the bloke is sure he doesn't want more kids even if the relationship breaks down but too many blokes still have difficulty seeing their kids after separation and then can't have more kids either.
I think with the Mirena coil vasectomies should be very rarely done.
My husband had a vasectomy shortly before his first marriage broke down. He did it hoping their sex life would improve as his ex used that as an excuse. It didn't. (There were other problems as well but the very rare sex was a big problem).
I had kids already so was happy not to have more but the vasecomy a year or 2 before separation seems very common.

GoodTouchBadTouch Sat 27-Jul-13 20:46:27

I think because so many people change their minds. Also because most men are too pussy to do it.

Your DH is lovely to do it. And I think you are very sensible to avoid any accidents.

I DO think there is a 30% chance you might change your mind later though

cardibach Sat 27-Jul-13 20:47:15

Bridget wouldn't the same be true of tubal ligation in the woman, though? In fact isn't reversal of vasectomy more reliable? It is a simple operation and a healthier alternative than loads of hormonal treatment.

mamapants Sat 27-Jul-13 20:48:47

I don't think its a big deal. But when I spoke to people in work about the subject a few of the women were all 'oh I couldn't possibly make my poor DP/DH to do that' I was completely confused by the attitude.

HollyBerryBush Sat 27-Jul-13 20:52:16

Again , seen it several times where the bloke has been pressurised, the relationship breaks down and the woman goes on to havea more children with another partner.

I'll be shot down in flames but as its the woman who carries a baby and will undoubtedly pick up 18 years of child care, it is a woman responsibility for her own fertility.

We didnt want any more children. Another pregnancy would have killed me. I got sterilised. I took control of my own health. I wouldnt pass the buck and expect someone else to do it for me.

Jojay Sat 27-Jul-13 20:55:15

Are you both fairly young? Could that be why people are surprised?

DH had it done this spring. I'm 36, he's 42, we have 4 children including naturally conceived twins. ( we were planning dc3, we got dc3 and 4)

Nobody seemed surprised when we went for it!

WafflyVersatile Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:10

Good for both of you for talking about it. the more people who do the less machismo fear of it there will be.

It totally has to be the man's decision that he does not want more kids regardless of what may happen in the future.

milbracat Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:25

"Also because most men are too pussy to do it."

This comment needs treating with utter contempt. It is the man's body to decide on effectively irreversible and therefore entirely his choice.

Contraceptives have given women control over their fertility, why should a man be pressured to relinquish control over his?

WafflyVersatile Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:56

An old boss of mine had it done. I think because they had 4 kids already and his wife liked babies best....

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:58

Depends how old he is really.

revealall Sat 27-Jul-13 20:58:24

Well women will naturally loose the ability to have children.
Men can reproduce for another 20 plus years after women. So I do understand the reaction that it is a bigger deal.

I also have a friend that is with a man who had the snip after two children and the marriage broke down. It was a horrible decision for my friend as to whether she wanted the man she loved or children. She's hoping the reversal will work.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 27-Jul-13 20:59:47

If he's 22 then YABU.

Jojay Sat 27-Jul-13 21:00:03

And after an emergency caesarean under GA with the twins, an episiotomy and forceps delivery with dc1 and and a horrid 2nd degree tear with dc2, I'd had enough of being messed around with - his turn!

Viviennemary Sat 27-Jul-13 21:00:05

I've seen a few people in second marriages being sad because they couldn't have a child after one partner had a vasectomy in a previous relationship. I think it is quite a big decision.

WorraLiberty Sat 27-Jul-13 21:00:12

These people are horrified about this extremely common procedure?

Do they form the local amateur dramatics society?

thebody Sat 27-Jul-13 21:01:00

hi op, we have 4 kids and are over 45.

we have tons of friends our age and all the men without exception have had the snip.

amazed its a debate to be honest.

WorraLiberty Sat 27-Jul-13 21:02:33

I don't think its a big deal. But when I spoke to people in work about the subject a few of the women were all 'oh I couldn't possibly make my poor DP/DH to do that' I was completely confused by the attitude.

You're confused as to why they wouldn't make their DP's/DH's have an operation??

mrslaughan Sat 27-Jul-13 21:03:26

I think it's a cultural thing. In NZ it's very common when your done having your family , that the DH ha the snip .... My brothers did, and DH organised it without me asking.
But here people are very touchy about the subject and amazed he's had it done. I have only mentioned it once, amongst pretty good friends everyone had had a little to drink and someone made a comment about contraception..... I said we had no need to worry as we had it covered.... Tbh I thought the reaction weird, far more intimate stuff had been alluded too...... But obviously people here (sorry huge generalistion) can't cope, which I find strange......they would happily talk about other forms of contraception, but a mans testicles are sacred?!

Silly people. Don't listen to them.
You push a melon sized head out your fanjo, the least he can do is have his balls shaved and get the snip.
Dh got it when ours was 6 weeks old, I'd had two c-sections, and didn't want to go there again. He got no sympathy from me sitting watching TV with a bag of frozen peas on his manhood. I was still recovering myself.

CheeseFondueRocks Sat 27-Jul-13 21:06:24

DH says he wants to get the snip when DC2 is born next year. He will be 27. He says that even if we should split up one day, he wouldn't want anymore children.

I have never ever put these ideas into his head but I keep telling him, I'd prefer him to wait til he's 30 in case we change our mind about DC3.

Ezio Sat 27-Jul-13 21:07:15

My BIL wants the snip because between him and my sister, they'v had 5 kids, 3 together, they dont want anyone.

Btw, they refused to sterilise my sister because shes too young, shes 32 and done with the baby thing.

No one elses business over your own fertility, it dont effect them, so they dont need to ask about it.

WorraLiberty Sat 27-Jul-13 21:08:17

Why no sympathy SquinkiesRule?

Do you not like him very much? confused

mrslaughan Sat 27-Jul-13 21:08:55

But hollyberrybush, surely it's a decision you make as a couple....? If I had had to have a c-section I would have had my tubes tied (and I have friends who knowing they were going to have hysterectomies have organised for this to be done at the same time a delivery)....why should the women in a relationship have to have more invasive surgery , a GA (which carries its own risks) , when for a man it is not invasive, involves just a local - yes if us painful and uncomfortable afterwards - but I am sure it is the same level of discomfort for women.

I find it strange that people feel the need to comment at all on your (or my, or anyone else's) fertility. Seriously, mind your own business. I get asked all the time if I am going to have any more children (got 5), I always say that "my husband isn't so if I do I'd better have a damn good excuse ready" grin I didn't want my DH to have the snip but he was adamant that he didn't want any more kids, I still struggle with that decision as he didn't listen to me and just went ahead. I had to decide whether I was prepared to stay with someone who a) didn;t want another baby (I'd have one tomorrow!) and b) was prepared to ignore what I wanted to that extent. I'll admit that it wasn't an easy decision, but it sounds like you were both happy with the decision OP, so YANBU and they are!

PanicMode Sat 27-Jul-13 21:09:54

I think it depends how old you are - if you are in your 20s, then it's probably fairly unusual. If like us, you are approaching 40 and have four children, then it's more common among our peer group! We talked a lot before he had the snip about what would happen the relationship broke down/I died and he wanted to marry again, but he decided that 4 children is enough!!

TBH, it's not a conversation that has come up much though - it's a fairly personal choice, surely?

DifferentNow Sat 27-Jul-13 21:12:22

DH had it done a few months ago when I was pregnant with our DC5. People constantly ask us if we're 'finished now' and I find myself telling them that DH has had the snip to avoid the 'oh yes but I bet you'll have another' type comments when I tell them that our family is complete now. I kick myself every time I say it though. I wish I felt brave enough to tell them it's none of their fucking business.

FannyFifer Sat 27-Jul-13 21:12:38

The only horrified person I have encountered when DP had his vasectomy was his mother, but she thought it was the same thing as being castrated. grin

Sensible option for us, DP is 10 years older than me, mid 40's & under no circumstances would he want more children as feels he is too old.

I had two high risk pregnancies and was very unwell so wouldn't risk another pregnancy.

TigerSwallowTail Sat 27-Jul-13 21:14:33

The concern for me would be if yous changed your mind (I wouldn't even entertain the 'less of a man' comment!). Dp and I would stop at 3 dc for financial reasons but I would be concerned about him getting the snip just incase one day our circumstances changed and we decided to have more.

Twirlyhot Sat 27-Jul-13 21:17:18

I think it's because sorting out contraception is seen as women's business. Including by a lot of women like HollyBerryBush.

It's a couple's business. I'm glad to see that, in some countries at least, there's a better attitude about it.

CheeseFondueRocks Sat 27-Jul-13 21:19:00

But here is the thing, often couples decide for a vasectomy because the can't afford to add to their family anymore. This would certainly be the case for us after 2 DC. We'd love 3 but the funds aren't there. Now imagine, DH and I divorce and he meets someone else who would like a child with him. He'd still not be able to afford the 3rd child. There are so many threads on here where there are conflicts about money because people go on to have children in second marriages they can't afford and then the first set of children suffers.

Of course there are people with huge incomes who can afford to have 3 families but I think for the majority, this is not the case.

I do think DH will be very young to get the snip, and I would prefer him to wait a few years so we are 100% sure our family is complete but I really respect him for his attitude of saying that once he's reached the number of children he can afford, that's it.

MacaYoniandCheese Sat 27-Jul-13 21:21:03

We both knew we didn't want anymore children after DC3 so DH had the snip when our third baby was two weeks old. He says it was easy-peasy and was back to normal the following day. I had just turned 30 and he was 32.

If you're both in agreement that you don't want anymore kids I don't understand why the male partner wouldn't get a vasectomy, tbh (barring medical reasons). Surely it's the proper thing after your partner has been pregnant/given birth multiple times?

DH had a vasectomy the day before Father's Day (which worked out quite nicely as he got some lovely presents that weekend from DS and me). We both decided that we only wanted one child, are both very sure, and are in a loving, stable relationship. DS is 2, the doctors were fine about our decision. I think it makes him more of a man rather than less of one. Some people are just opinionated arseholes.

Aspiemum2 Sat 27-Jul-13 21:25:41

Dh has had one, I have 4 dc's - 2 by dh.
It was entirely his choice but supported by me. Neither of us wanted any more children.

Dh is very decisive though and so highly unlikely to suddenly want more dc's in the future

ouryve Sat 27-Jul-13 21:32:58

DH made the call to book his as a father's day present to himself. grin

He's anti large families, anyhow and having two boys with SN crystallised his desire to not add to the family any further, as much as mine.

He's still very much a man, btw.

HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 21:36:51

DP is 10 years older than me, mid 40's & under no circumstances would he want more children as feels he is too old.

That's us, pretty much! He's just turned 40 and hates the thought of having more when he's any older. I'm 31 and would have more if we had an unlimited income and full-time free childcare available. As we don't, we have BOTH decided the best option is not to have any more.

As for the 'passing the buck' comment hollyberrybush, DH says he completely agrees with you and that's why he did it in the first place grin since he got sterilized, surely I don't need to go do it as well!

I know we're unusual for openly discussing these things but that is just what we're like. Ours friends/family are used to TMI and I presume we make up for it in other ways....

Worra - my dad was actually horrified, in that he looked taken aback and stammered a bit before he could reply. Ditto my friend's husband. Does that meet your stringent definition or should I consult a dictionary to make sure I'm using it right?

littlemisswise Sat 27-Jul-13 21:37:07

DH had a vasectomy 15 years ago when DS2 was a year old. We already had DS1, and he had DSS from his first marriage who we were paying maintenance for. Even if our marriage had have broken down there would have been no way he would have been able to afford to have had more children and support the 3 he already had.

I had had 2 horrific pregnancies and BF for 18 months, so we, moreso he, decided that he would have the vasectomy. I can't see what the problem is with it tbh. My dad had it done, my SIL's DH and my DSis's DH have had it done.

WorraLiberty Sat 27-Jul-13 21:40:26

I just think it's weird to be horrified over something so run of the mill OP, that's all.

HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 21:48:26

Ah, well in that case I agree with you Worra! I don't get their reaction at all. My dad at least has the 'old-fashioned Arabic man' flimsy excuse but my friend's husband's response was a surprise.

LongTailedTit Sat 27-Jul-13 21:56:45

DH and I have been discussing it today - we're TTC #2 and don't want a third, and he's already said he will have a vasectomy after.
He's decided he won't want any more children (after Dc2) regardless of whether I die/we divorce etc, he's 40 next year, and knows I don't want to be on hormonal contraception for the next 20 years/until menopause hits.

I've said to wait a few years, and if he changes his mind we'll figure it out, but I'm glad he's planning it already.

VianneFox Sat 27-Jul-13 21:58:08

We have two children (twins) and have decided we don't want anymore. We've discussed the snip- DH is convinced that if we were ever to break up he wouldn't want any more children I think twins have done him in

The way I see it is that I have had years of either the pill or implant, awful hyperemisis during pregnancy and very painful joints from carrying a twin bump and stretchmarks , and an emergency C-section which I found very painful to recover from and lost a fair amount of blood.

I have done my bit! Seriously, I would never expect him to have anything done to his body that he wasn't happy with, but I very much think he can take responsibilty for this one.

noisytoys Sat 27-Jul-13 22:02:45

It's not a big deal that anyone has had permanent contraception. I was sterilised age 23 at the same time as a c section. Haven't regretted it for a minute and no one has said anything either way about it.

meditrina Sat 27-Jul-13 22:04:28

Perhaps they were more horrified by DH's (drunken) manner of announcing, rather than the actual issue?

Permanently removing the option of fertility is a biggie for either sex, and should only be done when absolutely sure it's the right option. And although vasectomy does not breach the abdomen as a tubal ligation needs to (though I think Essure goes transvaginally?), it's still surgery with potential for side effects.

wigglesrock Sat 27-Jul-13 22:09:28

Strangely we've been discussing it too, we have 3 kids. I'm almost 40 and my husband is in his early 40s and we don't want any more children.

I haven't discussed it with anyone and no one has ever commented really on our contraception methods smile . I've been asked a few times if I'm "going again to try and get a boy?" I've 3 girls but a quick fuck off usually deals with that smile

My dad had a vasectomy never ever go to a hen night with your Mother so I've never seen it as that big a deal.

floatyjosmum Sat 27-Jul-13 22:13:05

I was sterilised this week and spent most of my appointments convincing gp's, consultants and the nurse at the pre-op that it was what we wanted to do.

But it wasn't the fact that we were making a big final decision but that it was me rather than dh having it done. Health professionals def feel that there is less risk for the men and its much easier etc.

ubik Sat 27-Jul-13 22:13:24

DP had the snip a few months after DD3 was born, we were both 35 and didn't want anymore babies.

I had 3 c-sections so we decided it was his 'turn' to be fiddled about with. It turned out to be more invasive and traumatic than he expected; he had some pain down there fir a quite a few months afterwards. All fine now though.

On the whole it's been a good thing for us as we don't have to worry about contraception.

MairyHoles Sat 27-Jul-13 22:33:07

Several of my friends were shocked when my partner had a vasectomy, my gran actually told me I shouldn't have made him do it. I didn't! After our 3rd child, who was born by c section after 2 third degree tears, he drove himself to the doctor and requested it. I did make sure it was what he wanted and he didn't do it for me, everyone seemed to think that I was the driving force behind it and couldn't comprehend that HE wanted it. I was quite surprised that they asked him to confirm that he had discussed it with me before they did the procedure, they're his bollocks not mine!

ubik Sat 27-Jul-13 22:35:16

I wonder if some men have it done without telling their partners!

2rebecca Sat 27-Jul-13 22:37:04

I think if it's the bloke's idea and he's keen on it that's fine. Too many women emotionally blackmail their husbands into vasectomies though, as can be seen by the comment on a woman "making" her partner have a vasectomy. You get threads on here where women are trying to manipulate their husband into having a surgical operation with an "it's his turn" mentality.
That to me is very wrong. If the bloke is reluctant then don't push it. It's an irreversible operation, there are plenty of alternatives.

BoffinMum Sat 27-Jul-13 23:22:30

Can you really trust vasectomies?

MrsKoala Sat 27-Jul-13 23:37:23

Well each to their own i suppose, but i find the idea dreadful. I am genuinely shocked that anyone, man or woman, would have this done. Unless every single form of contraception is no good i just don't see the point of having an invasive operation for no reason. I also am a never say never person. You may say you don't want more dc, but why not keep your options open?

My old boss told me he DH had it done. He was 26 and they had 2 dc. It is possible he may want more in 10 years, with someone else maybe. She told me she had pushed for it because even if they split up SHE wouldn't want him to have dc with anyone else. nice.

DH has suggested he have it done but i would be really upset if he did. I cannot comprehend choosing anything so final.

SanityClause Sat 27-Jul-13 23:48:25

Women "make" their partners have vasectomies? What? Force them at gunpoint?

Actually, some men choose to take control of their own fertility in this way, if they feel they don't want any or any more children.

Obviously some men make the decision rashly. But, they can say "no" if they don't want to do it. Blaming their partner for making them do it? These are adults, we're talking about, surely?

deakymom Sat 27-Jul-13 23:53:03

my husband had the snip while i was pregnant with my third we decided that no matter the outcome we don't want any-more kids personally he sometimes says he regrets the kids we have he apologises after but i still say its a good thing he got done as he would never cope with another baby even if it was with someone else

GoshAnneGorilla Sat 27-Jul-13 23:55:32

Where are all these mean, pushy women making their men have vasectomies? What is wrong with couples viewing fertility as a joint decision?

Whenever you mention vasectomies on here, you always get a bunch of pearl-clutchers going on about manipulative women, I don't know why.

My dad had one, he is no one's idea of a New Man.

My BiL is about to have one, he's knocking 40 and has four children, including one with special needs, so he's feels that is quite enough children for him.

Why no sympathy SquinkiesRule?
Do you not like him very much?
I actually love him very much, we've been married for 28 years next month.
It was his decision to do it, I said wait as I needed the help with a new born and c-section and living 5000 miles from any family help. But he was adamant it needed doing right then, not delaying. So I told him he's on his own. So he went and saw to it and I had to look after kids and cook and do laundry (nothing was cleaned unless it had to be) He set me back weeks, I went back to full on bleeding at 6 weeks.
He does listen to me a bit more now days though.

lightshow Sun 28-Jul-13 00:09:01

I wouldn't want DH to have the snip even though we have definitely completed our family, the reason being that my DSis married a man who'd had it before they met. He'd 'completed' his family after two dc, got divorced and now DSis is quite anxious as they're now on the list for a reversal but it doesn't always work. It might have been the right thing for him at the time but so many relationships change (and there are other things that could happen like being widowed or dc dying) which might mean you, or a new partner could want to ttc again. I wouldn't want to close those doors to DH (much as I hate the idea of him ever being with another woman, either after us splitting or if I died!) I have the implant instead, low dose of hormone so not problematic and actually more statistically reliable than the snip or sterilisation!

McPie Sun 28-Jul-13 00:20:31

Dh had his done 1 1/2 years ago and to be honest it wasn't a huge deal. We are a commited couple and we agreed together that we wanted no more dc together as ds1 and dd and ds2 were more than enough for us (dd and ds2 are twins so whats the betting I would have triplets?). We couldnt care less what others think about our choice and we stand by it as the right thing for us.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 00:37:51

For the record, every man i know who has had it has 100% wanted it and it has been decided as a couple.

The only motive i know of other than convenient contraception after the completion of her family was from my boss. However, he also wanted it and their main aim was contraception - the not wanting him to have any kinds with anyone else was just mentioned as a bonus. But still unpleasant i thought.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sun 28-Jul-13 00:40:58

I actually think it is ok for a married couple to think that your marriage is going to work out and make decisions as a couple on that basis. All this planning for life after me or dh does not sit well so I am being optimistic/hopeful that things will work out. We are both finished having children and we took a joint decision that a vascetomy is the best option for our future contraception. We do not believe that it is necessary for us to have children with future partners if circumstances dictate I know a number of people in second relationships with no children in that relationship who are happy but that said we are mid 30s so if we were younger we might have made a different decision.

AlbertoFrog Sun 28-Jul-13 00:47:00

Ds was a (lovely) surprise. I was 39 and DH 47. Afterwards we both agreed that he would get a vasectomy as I didn't wish to go back on the pill. Consultant agreed that this was the most sensible decision.

Apart from us 3 and the hospital staff I don't think anyone knows.

Don't understand the issue to be honest.

Beveridge Sun 28-Jul-13 01:01:45

You can check if male sterilisation has worked in a way that you can't with female sterilisation. That clinched it for me when I discussed it with our gp...

Not that DH has had it done yet, he wants to but I don't feel I'm 'there' yet.

I find some of the responses on this thread very weird, and sadly these are probably the kinds of attitudes that the people the OP has encountered has.

WTAF should a women continue to pump herself full of hormones for another 10-15 years after her family is complete? The "other methods are available" mentality seems crazy to me, when these "other methods" are all the woman's responsibility with potential detriment to her health.

Of course a man should never be pressured into having it done, but why on earth is it ever a bad idea when he's totally okay with the idea?

Both DH and I are very sure our family is complete, we'd be horrified about having another child so he happily agreed to being sterilised. If he hadn't been, I would have, and I still ponder getting it done just to be sure.

Like having a baby in the first place, getting sterilised when your relationship is rocky is a very bad idea, but if you're in a stable relationship, like the OP says, it's really not a big deal.

I'm frankly amazed that so many people find the idea weird or reckless.

PS - I wouldn't want any more children even if, god forbid, something happened to DH and I, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. If he remarried and his new wife wanted kids, then it would be her pressuring him to do so (or my new DH pressuring me if the situation were reversed), which is just as crazy and unfair as pressuring someone into being sterilised, IMO.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 01:27:22

Annie - i would never take the pill personally. But lots of people do and are happy to. I have a coil. I love it. no chemicals etc. But i know some people don't get on with them. But for me the small amount of inconvenience/discomfort from having my method of contraception is worth keeping my options, and dh's open.

It's the finality of anything like that i would hate. I'm also dreading menopause for the same reason. I hate the thought that i couldn't have another child if i wanted one. It provokes a very strong physical feeling of sickness in me if people mention it (not the op - the concept) and i can't really explain it. It just feels wrong. no idea why, other than the finality of it.

VonHerrBurton Sun 28-Jul-13 01:36:45

Funnily enough, we've had the 'ooh, really? Dh said he could never have a vasectomy, he wouldn't feel like a real man' bullshit as well from a 'friend'.

However, this big, real man is happy to walk the family's two Chihuahuas, Gucci and Versace, complete with their doggy frilly dresses on.

Yeah, he looked really big and tough then. Knob.

HowlerMonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 03:11:54

I think DH is quite confident in his manliness - we got pregnant extremely easily (twice) so were actually quite scared of his 'bionic sperm' (as Desperate Housewives put it)! However, he says he doesn't feel that he is the sum total of his sperm count and so is quite happy about the snip.

In fact, I'll expand on that in response to a few of the comments here. I would not care (I think) if he had more kids later after a hypothetical break-up, but he says he doesn't want any more full-stop. We met through online dating and he has previously said that he was a bit disturbed by how many women seemed to view him as a glorified sperm donor (his words not mine). He wanted to be liked for himself, not for his breeding potential. Therefore, in his view, having had the snip was a good call. I certainly didn't make him do it.

I, on the other hand, am relatively open about the idea of having more with someone else in a break-up scenario. I do know a few families where the DH already has older ones from a previous marriage and no-one seems happy though, so frankly I'd be reluctant. I am also pretty sure DH and I wouldn't have any more in any case because I don't want to have kids with a man who doesn't want them - I just can't see anything good in that scenario.

Right, back to bed now goddamm DS2 and his middle-of-the-night starvation fears

squoosh Sun 28-Jul-13 03:29:43

AnnieLobeseder I too am quite amazed at some of the responses on this thread, as though as man's masculinity is somehow being compromised by undergoing this procedure. Surely it's far preferable for a man to have a vasectomy than a woman to keep filling her body with contraceptive hormones for years and years.

As for all the 'oh but what if you split up and he wants to have more babies?' well surely that's a separate issue, if you don't have confidence in the longevity of your relationship well then you have far bigger issues to contemplate. I'm certainly not going to make family planning decisions based on the off chance that DH will want hypothetical babies with a hypothetical woman in the future!

As for the HollyBerryBush's frankly inane comment 'as its the woman who carries a baby and will undoubtedly pick up 18 years of child care, it is a woman responsibility for her own fertility.'.........hmm Um, surely a couple deciding together that a vasectomy is in their family's best interest demonstrates precisely a woman taking responsibility for her own fertility.

ravenAK Sun 28-Jul-13 03:34:47

Dh is quite reluctant, although we're both in agreement that our family is finished with 3dc.

I don't much like the idea of having my tubes mucked about with either, & if anyone was getting snipped it would be dh, what with him having got off lightly so far whilst I had 3 problematic pregnancies.

However, to be fair, if I fell under a bus tomorrow I can understand that it'd be better for him to have his options open for when he shacks up with some nice dw2. She will obviously be fantastic stepmother material, in between polishing the elaborate shrine dedicated to me in their bedroom <not really> but might prefer him with his plumbing intact.

Whereas if I were to be widowed/dumped there's no chuffing way I'd be sprogging with anyone else. I'm a bit older & quite shit at being pregnant, so just NO. Not happening.

So we've left it as his choice (well, they are his bollocks). Condoms unless/until he gets himself seen to.

A mate of ours had the snip recently & was waxing lyrical about the subsequent joys of carefree shagging; I did notice dh pricking up his ears, as it were...

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 04:00:24

But why is 'filling your body with hormones' the only possible contraception?

And something else which is the taboo to consider is what if your dc die? or your dc and you? I would want dh to be able to have another family. Of course i'm not saying it would replace them but i would still want to have others.

Contraception would have to be a major hassle for me to think this was the solution. It just seems very extreme.

Also having been divorced at 30 to my 'soul mate' i suppose i am cynical about the idea of being with anyone forever.

I don't agree that it has anything to do with 'manliness' tho. That's just bizarre.

Swallowing Sun 28-Jul-13 04:18:48

I think if you need your parents to help look after your children, then you have definately done the right thing and you should perhaps remind people of this if they criticise you.

squoosh Sun 28-Jul-13 04:23:16

Why is it considered 'very extreme' for men to have this straightforward procedure? I'm genuinely baffled.

I can honestly say that death/divorce/his wanting another family at some stage would not even occur to me. To me it's utterly ridiculous to have to consider those kinds of situations. Deal with the here and now not with the mights and maybes. Is it the last word in female selflessness, 'I've given him children, but he might need more children, he is a man after all'.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 04:39:00

I don't see why it is ridiculous, these things do happen. I think it's ridiculous to make an extreme decision based on something which is easily coped with with contraception. What i consider extreme is the outcome and not the procedure by the way. I would never ever consider having it done so why should DH. And if my dc died I would want more dc with my DH. It is not selfless at all. And nothing to do with him being a 'man after all' (not really sure where that came from) just a human being.

I just don't see the point of limiting ones options unless it was very very necessary.

squoosh Sun 28-Jul-13 04:50:56

Well I don't see it as an 'extreme decision' (?), clearly that is the difference. If people have decided that they don't want anymore children what is the problem with a vasectomy? I really don't see the problem with men's bodies taking some of the burden of family planning. Compared to childbirth a vasectomy pales considerably.

ravenAK Sun 28-Jul-13 05:08:55

I don't see it as ridiculous either - it's a conversation we've had.

Dh: 'raven, if I died & you married again, would you consider having more kids?'

Me: 'good grief NO! Dd2 nearly bloody killed me, bless her little cotton socks. Would you?'

Dh: 'I wouldn't be keen, put it that way...'

Me: '...but I talked you into dd2. In fact, I talked you into spending next wknd at my parents. You, my love, are the king of being talked into things. You'd have another six if the second MrsDH wanted them.'

Dh: 'We'd have to move then. The house isn't big enough & it'd just be weird having you under the patio.'

I don't think it's a particularly extreme decision to have the snip, but I do think that they are dh's nuts & if he prefers condoms until I'm past the menopause that's for him to decide.

MammaTJ Sun 28-Jul-13 05:10:32

Your decision to make and me and me ExH made a similar one. We decided that I should be sterilised. I loved him and we did not want any more DC after my DD1,me mainly because he did so little to 'help' with DD. I had an appointment and the man very strongly said 'What if he cheats on you and leaves you?' I laughed as I could not see that happening.

I got booked in to hospital to be steralised, having discussed keyhole surgery. Then I had three people surround my bed trying to persuade me to agree to the major surgery, which I would not do. It meant too much time off work, not being able to pick up my toddler DD for too long. I phoned my husband to come and get me and did not get it done.

Fast forward a few year, he did indeed have an affair and leave me.

A year later I met DP and we went on to have our DD and DS.

I then tried the mirena coil, which I did not get on with but now have a copper coil which is fine. I only have to think about it every five years. This seems to be an option you did not consider.

After 5 DCs, and only 1 of them actually planned, I think DH was pretty desperate by the time he had the snip! grin We seemed to have exhausted all other forms of contraception --but I still didn't want him to have it done--sad

nooka Sun 28-Jul-13 06:27:02

But MammaTJ, with the snip you never have to think about contraception again. Ever. Which if you are sure you don't want any more children is bloody fantastic.

I found that having two children pretty much on the first attempt (ds conceived the month we decided to try, and dd was from just one unprotected occasion) made me very very nervous about getting pregnant, and after one potential question mark when I had to take the MAP we knew that we needed a permanent solution. I have zero regrets, and dh doesn't appear to have any either. If I died or we got divorced I'm not at all sure it would be in the children's best interests to have a new set of siblings in any case.

I'm really surprised some guys have been able to get it done while your pregnant or have newborns.
My friend has been advised against getting pregnant again due to medical reasons. She requested to be sterilised but apparently needs to wait till youngest is over 1 year due to SIDS etc, even though her body couldn't physically cope with another pregnancy.

MammaTJ Sun 28-Jul-13 06:59:04

I really don't think once every five years is a big deal to have to think about it.

sparklekitty Sun 28-Jul-13 07:11:24

My DH and I have agreed that after our next (if it happens) then he will have the snip.

His idea, he says it's only fair as I've gone through labour. I think thats a bit of a mute point but then my mum is sterilised and it led to a few problems with her hormones etc (don't know the details really) so I'd like to avoid that option just in case its a problem that could happen to me.

I think its odd that people think its odd iykwim. Women are usually the ones who spend their younger life preventing pregnancy so once you've had all the DC you want whats wrong with the man doing it.

SanityClause Sun 28-Jul-13 07:16:11

All the people waxing lyrical about their other wonderful forms of contraception need to be aware that a vasectomy is the most effective form. The only thing more effective is to abstain completely.

I, for example, fell pregnant on the Mirena coil.

Crumbledwalnuts Sun 28-Jul-13 07:22:15

Goodtouchbadtouch said this I think because so many people change their minds. Also because most men are too pussy to do it. Your DH is lovely to do it. And I think you are very sensible to avoid any accidents.

And I totally agree. I think men who do it are so manly. And I know loads who've done it, well four. It's not embarrassing to talk about in my opinion.

Twattybollocks Sun 28-Jul-13 07:37:01

Not all forms of contraception are suitable for some women. I personally can't take the combined pill, the mini pill made me bleed for 6 months and I got pregnant on it anyway, I have heavy painful periods so the copper coil is a non starter and after my mini pill experience I don't fancy the Mirena coil which has the same hormones. After dc2 dh did have the snip, which we later regretted, but I had ivf and we now have our third and final child.
I don't think having the snip makes someone less of a man, I think it makes them more of a man that they have taken responsibility for their own fertility.

differentnameforthis Sun 28-Jul-13 07:47:30

I understand where Bridget is coming from. My BIL had a vasectomy on the request of his wife.

They later split up, she never wanted any more children. He met a woman & they wanted kids & reversed his vasectomy. It didn't work, they tried to adopt & were refused on the grounds that he had a vasectomy (agency said it proved he didn't want any more kids) & they split up.

It does happen.

I can't do pregnancy again, no way, no how. So I had tubal ligation. If something happens with dh & I wouldn't want another, so why force him to have it done.

HowlerMonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 08:03:24

Wrt the coil: I had one once when I was about 18. I had such extremely heavy periods following its insertion that it was actually displaced and the strings were half hanging out of me. When that happened, I was visiting my parents in the Middle East for Xmas and couldn't face telling them about it (they would have gone batshit and I would have needed my dad to organise an appointment due to language difficulties).

So, I spent 2 weeks in discomfort and got it removed the second I returned to Blighty. The whole experience did rather put me off them although I'm pretty sure my dad realises that I have now had sex.

That's why it never really occured to me to go down that route again!

qazxc Sun 28-Jul-13 08:10:44

Well to the women that are saying "I couldn't make my DP do that", You didn't make him. You both discussed the options and he decided to have it done, not like you took a rusty penknife to his gonads.
After all never mind what people say, it's yours and your DP's business what method of contraception you use or how many children you should have.

Whothefuckfarted Sun 28-Jul-13 08:11:30

It's reversible. I know someone who had the snip then had it reversed and had more children in his following marriage.

poshme Sun 28-Jul-13 08:26:20

I would like DH to have a vasectomy but we haven't discussed it yet. I hate depending on hormonal contraceptives & couldn't bear the thought of a coil.
I know someone who was sterilised (a woman) and then got pregnant so I wouldn't consider that.
I'm moving towards saying to DH -condoms or vasectomy. Lots of my friends have had it done- it seems fairly common.

2rebecca Sun 28-Jul-13 08:29:15

It can be structurally reversed but alot of men develop anti-sperm antibodies after a vasectomy which impairs their fertility even if the tubes are patent. You have to assume it is irreversible when having it as for many men it is.

GibberTheMonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 08:33:45

Dh had the snip four years ago when I was 28 and he was 33
We have four children and i was pregnant with number 4. The only person who opposed the idea was me but I had/have to support the fact that it's his body and he has a right to say no more.
Noone else has ever batted an eyelid really. I know his mum was secretly pleased and I think my mum was secretly unsure for my sake (her own insecurities because of lost children and the fact I was still pregnant) but they respected it wasn't their decision to worry about.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson Sun 28-Jul-13 08:36:13

No it's not a big deal in that it's a common operation but it is very permanent. Me and DH have two children and don't want anymore. I can't use hormonal contraception and don't fancy the copper coil as my periods are already heavy and my mum got pregnant with one in. We're only in our twenties and don't want decades of using condoms. Dh wants the snip, my view his that they're his bollocks so his decision. I have already informed DH that if I got pregnant again I'd be having an elective c section and getting sterilised at the same time. He is completely fine with that.

Flobbadobs Sun 28-Jul-13 09:01:16

Another who's DH had it done while I was pg! It was our third, I had been to see the doctor the previous day to get things moving along and was rather shocked still. It's maybe fortunate that our doctor is also a friend of mine...
Apparently he sat down and said "i am considering a vasectomy when Flobba has had the baby". Doctor says "ok, we'll get things started now. I assume that this one is going to be your last then!" And that was that, he had it done when I was 6 months gone. He's insanely squeamish and I offered to get myself sorted after having the baby but he insisted.
He went down, got it done, had a week of discomfort and that was it. No fuss at all. Most of his colleagues have had it done, it's like a little secret club or something!

ubik Sun 28-Jul-13 09:11:37

DP was asked whether he would want another family if we all died in a car crash of something and he said no. If we did split up I don't think, at age 40 with three children already, it would be very sensible of him to have more children.

We both occasionally comment on how great it is that we don't have to bother with contraception and don't have the worry of another pregnancy.

meditrina Sun 28-Jul-13 09:20:25

"Can you really trust vasectomies?"

Yes. Assuming you use alternative protection until proper clearance by negative sample (for most of the failure rate is because of unprotected shagging before the all-clear), then the failure rate from late spontaneous re-canalisation is about 1:2000. That compares to tubal ligation failure rate of 1:200.

You are meant to be counselled before the OP - that is more likely to happen with younger men or those without DC. Accepted good practice also advises against vasectomy/sterilisation within a year of life-changing events (including new baby). NHS generally sticks to at, but it's easy to find private providers with a different interpretation.

Flobbadobs Sun 28-Jul-13 09:39:53

meditrina your second paragraph sums up why I was so surprised that DH got his appt through so quickly. We had no counselling and I was still pg when he had it done. It was very much a case of "so this is your third child? Lets get you sorted then".

Branleuse Sun 28-Jul-13 10:19:20

I think the more people that are sterilised the better. male or female.

Groovee Sun 28-Jul-13 10:32:10

My dh had it done when our youngest was 5. He'd mentioned it in my pregnancy with him but then I went to see about me being sterilised and he gatecrashed and was referred instead. But I've had a lot of people tell me they could never make their dh's do it. I didn't force him there and hold him down. We did what suits us as a couple.

I did stress about what if we broke up and he met someone else, but he said "I'm in my 40's I don't want to be having another baby at such an older age."

CunningAtBothEnds Sun 28-Jul-13 10:46:22

I am 26 DH is 27 we are reasonably sure we are happy with our 2DCs. However neither of us will be sterilised as :

-I am not certain I dont want a third
- if one of us died ok if he died i would like to be able to have the option of a second family
- the above point but if we split
- once I was sure i did / didnt want Dc3 i still wouldnt get sterilised and as I wouldnt do it, I wouldnt expect him to, however I wouldnt prevent him if he chose to do it.
- i am not very fertile and the coil works for me but my attitude is if a baby is the "worst case" then its really not so bad grin

That said thats just my opinion, each couple should do what suits and I wouldn't give my opinion unless asked smile

ubik Sun 28-Jul-13 10:48:57

Ours was NHS vasectomy and DP had it fine z few months after DD3 was born.
Basically they asked him why he wanted it done, he said:I have three children" and they said:"walk this way..."

We would not have wanted to wait a year. It would have befn patronising to make us do so.

pantsjustpants Sun 28-Jul-13 11:00:36

My dh has had it done recently, on the nhs with no delay. We have 5 dc's between aged 24 yes to 18mths (2 are mine, 1 is his and 2 youngest together), and I ended up on crutches for the majority of my last preg with ds.

It's definitely been the right decision for us, and it's lovely not having to have horrid side effects from hormonal contraception.

lightshow Sun 28-Jul-13 11:12:38

SanityClause I was told by my gynae that the snip is less effective than the implant, which is why I chose it as I would not want a surprise baby under any circumstances (in fact I opted for a termination when our previous contraceptive failed). Wikipedia lists the failure rate is 0.05% for Implanon and Jadelle but 0.1% for vasectomy (and a rather worrying 2% for condoms, and that's with perfect use!). It might only be tiny fraction of a percent, but if you consider the number of couples using these methods worldwide, I wouldn't want to take that extra risk as I'm very sure my family is complete.

2rebecca Sun 28-Jul-13 11:27:42

The trouble with talking of "horrid hormonal side effects" is that for many women their periods are better with hormones than without them, especially with methods like Mirena that usually reduce the pain and heaviness of periods.
It's not unusual for women to find that after a female sterilisation or a vasectomy that they are wanting to go back on the hormones because their periods are unbearable without them and they didn't bother trying to see what their natural menstrual cycle is like before getting the sterilisation done.

Meow75 Sun 28-Jul-13 11:39:19

2rebecca

That is my worry. I had a horrible late teenage/early 20's spell with my periods, first without and then with a contraceptive pill that allegedly was supposed to help. confused

For the last 5 years, I've had implants, and for about 8 years before that I had the injection. smile It is all good - I can cope with considering contraception once every 3 years. I am currently 37 and have never wanted children.

When I was 23-25, I asked to be sterilised regularly. My dr's just laughed at the idea of it, but because of the possibility that I might change my mind. The factor of periods returning was never once mentioned by any dr's at the surgery I was registered at then. I was angry that it was my baby making potential that was considered more important than my own day to day (or month to month) comfort!

In theory, I would like to be sterilised, but unless the dr was willing to do a full hysterectomy, I'm not interested.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 28-Jul-13 12:31:58

My dh had it done when we had our 4th baby. That's as many as we can afford to have. My theoretical death/divorce is not going to alter that fact.

This is all theoretical because my dh has said he would never remarry and wouldn't want more kids, but I am not prepared to make my contraceptive choices on the off chance that some theoretical future partner of dh might want babies - I don't give a shit about her and what she wants! I'm operating with the view that dh and I are not going to separate or die until well into old age, but if it did, some potential new partner is not someone I'm going to plan my life around.

Many of you will think this is fucked up thinking, but I don't actually want dh to be able to have dc with anyone other than me. I would not consider that to be in my children's best interests. If the worst happened to dh, I would not want to remarry or have other dc, for the same reason.

My dad had a vasectomy after my little brother was born - my mum changed her mind and when I was 15 (DB was 12) she and my dad had twins. My mum was then sterilised during her CS. Important to be sure, because they were both worried the reversal wouldn't work and were very lucky.

It's ridiculous to say it makes someone less of a man - being prepared to put his wife first and properly share the burden of contraception/invasive procedures involved in having a family, actually makes someone more of a man imo.

Ironically though, I am now back on the pill, because of my bloody periods!

Another thing is that when you are 39, the combined pill isn't prescribed because it is not as safe for women past this age - my Dr will only give me the mini pill and with my dodgy memory for taking things on time, I'd not like to rely on that for contraception.

chipmonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 13:07:39

There is another consideration which I am going to bring up because it's horrible and no-one wants to think of it but it happened to us.

If one of your dc's die, a lot of couples have an overwhelming urge to have another baby. And not just if the dc you lost was a baby, even if they were much older you feel that what we bereaved mums call a "rainbow baby" partially helps to heal the hurt. You can never replace the child you lost but the new child brings a little hope. I know of a Mum who did this when the child she lost was 14, another when the child she lost was 19.

I had an emergency hysterectomy when I had dd and then dd died. The inability to have another baby is very, very hard. I would love to adopt a baby but we're too old, there aren't enough babies up for adoption and the process here in Ireland takes far too long.

I remember years ago, discussing sterilisation with my SIL and she said "But what if something happened to one of your children?" and I pooh-poohed her, saying that that would be so awful that nothing would ever make up for it. And now, when I'm actually in that position, I see that she was right. Nothing ever could make up for losing dd but a new baby would help a little.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 28-Jul-13 13:17:58

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey x

LightTheLampNotTheRat Sun 28-Jul-13 13:19:01

DH had the snip when DC2 was about 3. We were totally certain we didn't want more children, either of us, in any circumstances - and I think some people really do know their own minds, so being told 'you might regret it' is rather patronising. You might regret all kinds of things in life, but it's okay for grown-ups to make grown-up decisions. We were both mid-30s at the time.

Our second child is severely disabled, and the GP asked DH - sensibly, in my view - how we would feel if she died. And we were both certain-beyond-certain that we wouldn't risk another child. Male sterilisation is much easier (and quicker to recover from) than the female equivalent. And certainly in our area, vasectomies are covered by the NHS while tubal ligation isn't.

Hurrah for vasectomies and the manly men who have them smile

LightTheLampNotTheRat Sun 28-Jul-13 13:21:02

I hadn't seen chipmonkey's post when I posted mine - sorry for your loss chipmonkey. My comments weren't related to what you said.

We had always planned three children. I am pg with DC3. DH is already thinking about his snip (when he will be 31). We know several people who have had it done, or at least planned.

People are rude.

For what it's worth, by the time I'm done bf this baby (if all goes to plan) I will have had one or more small people dependent on my body for eight years. And that's after six years of hormonal contraception. The coil can fuck off.

I've heard of far more coil babies than snip babies too.

jellybeans Sun 28-Jul-13 13:42:20

I wouldn't judge anyone else but for me it seems too final. I prefer choosing not to have more DC rather than having no choice at all. I have 5 DC. Very difficult births and pregnancy, 3 c sections, 2 stillbirths, 2 miscarriages. If I got pg would need cervical stitch, expensive blood thinners, c section etc etc. I would rather use a coil than cope with the emotional side of ending my fertility (or DH snip although I wouldn't stop him if he wanted it). But maybe that is to do with my difficult pregnancy history and how precious fertility is to me (we struggled to get pregnant with last one).

I have read some sad stories where people have lost all their DC and were unable to have more as they had had the snip. I totally agree it is very rare and you cannot replace a child ever. BUT in some cases having another child can bring new happiness and hope. We had another child both times after 2 stillborn DDs. They didn't replace DDs, nothing would, but they brought new happiness and healing.

Also I too know several men who have seperated and married a younger woman who now cannot have DC together. I know one woman who said she is glad of this as she didn't like the idea of him having DC with another woman. But I guess you never know what is going to happen and have to make the best decision you can at the time.

meditrina Sun 28-Jul-13 13:46:16

The 0.1% failure rate for vasectomy is, btw, based on all failures. Over 50% of which occur within 3 months of the operation (and are attributed to unprotected intercourse before the all clear). The numbers are further confounded by the (fairly high) level of non-compliance with post vasectomy semen testing.

If you look at late failures amongst those who have had two negative semen tests, then the rate is less than half the usually quoted rate, and lower than any other method.

jellybeans Sun 28-Jul-13 13:54:40

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey sad

edam Sun 28-Jul-13 14:02:05

I'm so sorry, chipmonkey.

But when couples are certain they don't want any more children, in any circumstances, then it makes sense for the man to have the snip, as it's a far easier and more straightforward procedure than it is for a woman.

People who are surprised or disturbed by the man having a vasectomy, or who leap to the conclusion that the woman 'made' him (yeah, because women march their husbands into the theatre...) really need to examine their prejudices.

Samu2 Sun 28-Jul-13 14:17:20

I fell pregnant on the IUD so dh had the snip.

Five children is enough and if we ever split up I can't imagine him wanting more children. It's always a risk but it was his to take.

nokidshere Sun 28-Jul-13 14:24:17

If I didn't want another baby then I would be sterilized. If DH wanted to have the snip I would not stop him but neither would I ask him to do it if he wasn't sure.

Immaterial really since we are both very old lol

waterlego Sun 28-Jul-13 14:51:57

I'm sosorry for your loss chipmonkey.

Am interested to see that it often seems to be the female partner pushing for it more than the man.

It was the other way round here. My OH couldn't get it done fast enough after our DC2, it was me that didn't really want it to happen.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 16:50:25

I'm sorry for your loss Chipmonkey.

It was something i briefly skimmed around earlier (as obvs the thought is so awful) upthread and it is a reason i wouldn't want DH to have it. If our DC died, after the grief had subsided, we may want more. We may not. But the option is still there.

I suppose for me i am quite old anyway so there aren't years of contraception ahead. Also the copper coil works fine for me (altho i get very heavy periods - but that's a choice i'm willing to live with) and DH actually likes condoms confused

As an aside about the pill/hormones. I remember reading a thing in a Malcolm Gladwell book 'what the dog saw' which made an interesting point that women who have less 'proper' periods have less cases of breast cancer. That evolutionarily women would have had a lot less menses because of being constantly pregnant. So the pill is actually good for women in those terms. Haven't researched that any further so may be utter BS but it's just popped in my brain.

cushtie335 Sun 28-Jul-13 16:54:35

I had two C sections so didn't think it was unreasonable to ask DH to get the snip but he flatly refused. Lots of his mates and colleagues had it done, far more than their wives getting tubal ligation but he just wouldn't go through with it. I got my tubes tied instead. I wasn't happy about getting more surgery but it seemed the only solution. 8 years on and I still think he was selfish. Your DH is doing a good thing, ignore all the stupid remarks.

cushtie335 Sun 28-Jul-13 16:57:49

..didn't see chipmonkey's post. Really sorry for the situation you're in. I can't comprehend your pain, I just wish you the very best.

Maryz Sun 28-Jul-13 17:01:28

All these people saying that a man who has the snip might split up from his partner, meet another woman, and want to have a second family - isn't that a reason for getting a vasectomy?

If dh buggers off, I don't want him having a few more kids, we can barely afford the ones we have.

I'm sorry chipmonkey sad - that was one of the things we talked about before deciding to go ahead. Had I been younger, that is the one argument that would probably have stopped us.

nooka Sun 28-Jul-13 17:23:34

MrsKoala the research shows that being pregnant/breastfeeding offers some protection against breast cancer. There are studies that suggest long term use of oral contraceptives are associated with higher rates of breast cancer, but it's thought that the association only holds for older style pills (higher levels of hormones). It's protective for ovarian cancer though.

expatinscotland Sun 28-Jul-13 17:50:31

I lost a child, too, but felt too old to have another. Over a year on, I still don't want another. It is not a given everyone will want a rainbow baby.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 17:51:24

aaah cheers nooka, i thought it was something.

lisad123everybodydancenow Sun 28-Jul-13 17:58:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadowMeltingInTheSun Sun 28-Jul-13 17:59:32

Sorry for your loss chipmonkey.

I'm surprised that so many people are shocked by men having vasectomies. I work in a mostly male sector, and plenty of men at work have mentioned that they've had vasectomies when their families were complete - I may have been jumping to conclusions here, but I'd assumed that it was fairly common and unremarkable for men to do this.

None of them have made any mention of their wives "making" them get the snip either. In fact one of the rantiest men talking about it was complaining because his doctor had apparently told him that he couldn't get a vasectomy unless his wife gave her permission.

Fully agree that given the finality of the operation it's something that needs a lot of thought in advance though, and I think it's unfair to judge men who don't want to go for such a final option to birth control as selfish.

We have always known, emotionally, logically, environmentally, financially that we would only have two children, even if we split up. Apart from the first year of our relationship I had been on the pill and therefore taking responsibility for about 8 years. I wanted to get back to a more natural cycle. (I also lost a lot of weight.) So I said it was his turn and he chose the snip over condoms. That decision made me love and respect him more.
My mother was horrified, because she thought it so final and she loves babies and thinks you should keep having them regardless of money. His parents had done the same, and his brother, except after 3 kids. No-one else really knows. I do have a friend whose MIL was horrified at the thought of her son getting the snip because "What if you divorce, he may want another family?" Hideous woman.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 18:03:57

No of course not expat. But as i said, the option would still be there if they did.

VBisme Sun 28-Jul-13 18:04:54

DH had the snip when he was still with his ex wife. She then left him for another man.

I knew he'd had a vasectomy, but we thought that a reversal would be a fairly simple process.

It isn't, DH & I cannot have children together, because he made a decision thinking that he and his ex would be together forever, she had already started her new relationship.

Not that I'm suggesting that any of you would do that, but things happen, and perhaps a vasectomy is a bit final

expatinscotland Sun 28-Jul-13 18:05:07

This whole idea that you need to procreate with every partner or spouse is very foreign to me, but I'm from a country where parents are held financially responsible for their children, the welfare state is quite limited, and people often limit their families for this reason. Sterilisation is quite common and people find it sensible.

chipmonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 18:09:20

I know, expat, but just from observation, most of the bereaved Mums on our thread, have had another child if they could. Of course it's not a certainty that you would want another but from what I have seen, a lot of people who would have considered their families complete when their dc died, do seem to go on to have another baby. I think it's more the norm than not IYKWIM.

If dd had been born fullterm by planned CS I would have had a tubal ligation. That was the plan. And if she had died then, I would be regretting that tubal ligation. As it happens, the hysterectomy had to happen or I would have died too so there's nothing to regret as such but I do wish it hadn't had to happen that way.

I also do know someone who had a vasectomy while with his first wife. They divorced, she has a baby with her new dp, he has lost a couple of girlfriends because although I think he had it reversed, it wasn't successful and they wanted dc's.

It's just so final and you never know what's coming down the line. That life-partner might not end up being a partner for life, you are not guaranteed to keep your children for ever. And if the shit hits the fan, you don't know how you'll feel.

CheeseFondueRocks Sun 28-Jul-13 18:11:27

This whole idea that you need to procreate with every partner or spouse is very foreign to me, but I'm from a country where parents are held financially responsible for their children, the welfare state is quite limited, and people often limit their families for this reason. Sterilisation is quite common and people find it sensible.

I agree with every word of this! I wouldn't want DH to have any more children with someone else if we split. I openly admit that. I think it would be financially irresponsible. Any new partner would have to live with the fact that he has had his family and that is that.

VBisme Sun 28-Jul-13 18:11:46

Wow expat - that's cold.

I can easily afford to support at least 2 more children (on top of DHs 2), but I don't have that option.

I am not a mum to my step-children, they already have a mum, and it hurts that I won't ever get the opportunity to be a mum.

chipmonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 18:13:56

Having more children does not necessarily mean depending on welfare. We have never depended on welfare and I hope we never have to. And if dh skips off with another woman, he willl be paying for his kids still if I have anything to do with it! I hope he doesn't skip off with another woman but at this stage, I'm fecked if I'm going to be confident about that!

expatinscotland Sun 28-Jul-13 18:18:39

How is it cold? If you know someone has had the snip, then you know they are sterile and can make a choice not to become further involved with them.

Chip, I think we know so many who had more children because they were young enough to. I go on another board where this was not an option for the bereaved parent(s) due tomore advanced age.

I think as long as people make a decision knowing circumstances can change, and they did for us when DD1 died, then fair play to them.

Maryz Sun 28-Jul-13 18:23:43

VB, I know it does sound harsh to you who wants to have children. And I have a lot of sympathy for you.

But for us as a couple, we have three, we don't have a massive income. If dh was to start a second family, we would be seriously struggling financially. For the same reason, if he and I split up, any new man I settled with would have to accept that we would not be having any more children.

I don't like the idea of a woman having to be on the pill for the rest of her fertile years, or having to have what is a more serious operation, just so that her partner can retain the possibility of starting a second family if they split up. That seems inherently selfish of the man, to me.

VBisme Sun 28-Jul-13 18:33:01

Thanks Maryz, I do find it difficult to be objective in relation to this discussion because of my situation.

I would still always suggest that a vasectomy (or similar in a woman), would be too final, no-one can forsee the future.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sun 28-Jul-13 18:39:58

I opted to be "snipped" twenty odd years ago after my second child because my husband just said he did not want anyone messing "down there".... . Neither of us wanted any more children, and given that I got pregnant at the first month of trying each time, I wanted to rule out a condom accident in the remaining 20 or so years of my fertility.

I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. Yes, it is more risky than a male snip, but given my DH would not go there, I decided I would. We have enjoyed lots and lots of hassle free worry free sex....

Maryz Sun 28-Jul-13 18:42:29

I do sympathise VB - have you considered ICSI or donor sperm if you can really afford more children?

My conversation with dh before he had it done was along the lines of "what if I and the three kids all died in a fire, would you not be sorry?" and he did consider it. But he felt strongly that it was such a small possibility, and even if it did happen he was unlikely to want to start again (he was almost 40 at that stage).

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Sun 28-Jul-13 18:48:03

I don't make any other decisions based on the idea that DH and I might split up, so why would this be different?

MiaowTheCat Sun 28-Jul-13 18:55:09

DH is on the waiting list to get it done - and he's quite "young" really (he's 30). We talked about it together - decided we're definitely done with having kids, and HE decided that he'd do that part - saying I'd been messed about with enough. He also knows that I have real issues going to the local hospital after how they treated me with DD1 and that, although I'd do it if I had to, it would be very distressing for me. Done the talking about if the relationship ends etc - he still is happy to go through with it, GP approved - referral's somewhere in the system at present.

Yes if resources were unlimited I'd love another child - but realistically my mental health wouldn't take it, my body's never recovered from SPD last time around and it wouldn't be fair on my two existing kids to incapacitate myself for the duration of a pregnancy with further pregnancy complications, with a combination of premature and very fast labours I'd be likely to be hospitalised for a good couple of weeks toward the end, we don't have the space, we don't have the money... and after years and years of fertility issues and miscarriages (DD2 is very much the product of "you're really really fertile after having a baby")... we're incredibly grateful for the daughters we have and are very content with our lot (I'd be more content if DD1 would quit bouncing around her cot and go to sleep...)

nooka Sun 28-Jul-13 19:33:22

Sterilization is a very final solution, and should be considered as such. I also think it is important to make the decision both as a couple and individually. So you need to be sure that you are 100% OK with the idea of not having any more children under pretty much any circumstance.

For us balancing hassle free worry free sex vs 20 odd years of worrying about pregnancy was very simple, even knowing that if we did want to try for another at any point we could.

But neither of us enjoyed the baby years and both felt very much that we never wanted to go through them again. The only thing I worried about was if we needed a genetic match for one of our children (my cousin died of leukemia at 4 and I'm on the bone marrow donor list) but it wasn't really a factor in the end.

I'm also really uncomfortable with the idea that men should be 'keeping their options open' for family number two just in case family number one doesn't work out. It seems a bit disposable to me to be thinking that way when you have your actual here and now children in front of you.

thebody Sun 28-Jul-13 19:40:34

we have 4 and dh had the snip. can't afford anymore and feel complete.

however am amazed this is an issue as all of our male friends, bar one younger one,have been 'done'.

it's your business anyway not anyone else's is it?

Following two DCs with complications and an unexpected third pregnancy caused by contraceptive pill failure (I had a termination because the risk of further complications was too high), my DH was only too happy to have the snip. He felt that I'd done my bit and more, so it was only fair for him to take his turn.

It's no-one's business but ours.

HowlerMonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 21:05:58

I'm sorry for your loss chipmonkey flowers

I understand the reservations about wanting to have another child should anything happen to your DC; my little brother died when we were kids and my parents had my sister as a direct consequence. I had never heard the phrase 'rainbow baby' until just now.

At the risk of sounding horribly cold, though, I'm not sure it is always the best move. I heard my mother say 'well we didn't want Howler to be an only child' when discussing her pregnancy with a friend, and after that I always thought of my sister as the replacement baby (I was 7). I think I may have actually said it to her once blush and I'm sure she knows that's why she was born. I don't think my dad particularly wanted another so quickly and her birth properly divided our family. It's healed up somewhat now, but still.

I think I understand the urge to have another when something as horrific as that has happened to you, but I'm not sure it would be an option we'd choose. Hence, the snip is still a good choice for us it had better bloody be, bit late now

expatinscotland Sun 28-Jul-13 21:07:44

We lost a child, Howler, DH had had the snip and we had no desire for another child. Still don't. It's not a given and if you feel that it is the right choice for you, even if your child or children die, then go for it.

chipmonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 21:28:42

I have never heard anyone on our thread refer to their rainbow baby as a replacement. You couldn't replace any child with another. And I'm sure your parents don't think of your sister as a replacement for your brother. I hope she's glad she's here, whatever the reason she came into being and I 'm sure she knows she's loved regardless.

expatinscotland Sun 28-Jul-13 21:31:00

IIRC, it is Howler who saw her sister as a replacement for her lost brother.

chipmonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 21:41:20

And told her so! I'm sure I said some awful things to my sisters too but they survived their childhood nonetheless.

I am sorry. A child dying is rare and it is so unlikely to happen that maybe people shouldn't really have it at the back of their minds in any decision. I think because it happened to us, I have really no faith left that bad things won't happen to people. I feel like all my children could die, my dh could run off with an OW, my house might get terrible subsidence and sink into the ground, I will lose my job, dh will lose his job, all sorts of shit could happen and how can you possibly prepare for the worst in every single scenario?

We weren't done. dd was my youngest. I had intended to breastfeed her for another two years, then my bfing days would be over, she was to be at home with me when ds4 went to school. People asked me if I was relieved to have "my youngest" in primary school, so I would have some time to myself. I had to point out that no, I wasn't relieved, that he wasn't my youngest and that I'd rather have my youngest back than all the free time in the world. If it had been her going to primary, I might have been relieved to get the free time. I suppose it depends where you are in the family scheme of things. Our family was complete. Now it's been decimated.

thebody Sun 28-Jul-13 21:43:13

oh chip, heartbreaking xxx

HowlerMonkey Sun 28-Jul-13 22:18:50

I'm so sorry chip, I can't imagine the pain. One small part I do understand is that you subconsciously expect things like that to happen again. My brother died when I was 6 and I do look at my boys in full awareness that they could very easily be taken away from me. It's not a pleasant thought but it is alway, always there. Ditto things like family/friends randomly dying - your world can fall apart anytime, anyhow, and I've felt that since I was six.

In our family I doubt my parents thought of my noisy, extroverted sister as a replacement for my quiet, sweet little brother. I do wonder how it would have been different were she a boy though.

Anyway, this isn't really pertinent to vasectomies I suppose. Although maybe one of the reasons people get so uncomfortable with the idea is the finality of it all and the impossibility of having more children should you lose the ones you have. I hadn't really considered that before.

expatinscotland Sun 28-Jul-13 22:30:14

She may have been very young when she told her sister that, though, chip.

The difference might be that, when someone goes to be sterilised voluntarily, they feel done having children.

We did. So even though we lost a child, we still did not want to have another.

expatinscotland Sun 28-Jul-13 22:32:38

My daughter was 6 when her sister died, Howler. Her sister was 9. We have a son who is now 4 but was 3 when his sister died.

doublecakeplease Sun 28-Jul-13 22:51:41

Swallowing - grow the fuck up. If someone's parents want to help look after the kids then why shouldn't they?? How rude and jealous sounding!

DupontetDupond Sun 28-Jul-13 22:56:17

Some heartbreaking stuff on here. My thoughts go out to all who have lost darlling DC.

Regarding the OP, YANBU. Our family (we feel) is complete, and with me and DW in early 40's, getting the snip was best for us, especially after her being on the pill for last 20 years (least I could do, plus I haaaate condoms).

For others, I think it's entirely up to you and your relationship/age/circumstances. But the judgy "couldn't make him do that" ones are just sucking on (seedless) lemons

TheFuzz Mon 29-Jul-13 10:12:13

I was quite happy to get mine done - only decision for me was how long off a sport I do..

Down side is my recommending GP and the GP performing the surgery never mentioned risks.

I was happy for up to a month of discomfort, had an infection, heamatomas, swelling, A&E visit, the lot.

I was not prepared for the PVPS and the damage caused by a burst blood vessel.

1 in 10 men get these issues. It will come as a shock to both of you and will ruin your sex life.

At least I fire blanks now !

Capitola Mon 29-Jul-13 10:17:17

I would say at least 80% of our male friends has had the snip, as my husband has. No big deal.

TheFuzz Mon 29-Jul-13 10:34:49

I know a few fellas that have been done. Biggest issues have been lack of effective pain relief through the procedure - I was fortunate that the first half was pain free, and it was a bit late by ball two. One other friend, the pain relief didn't work, and it's been 15 months before he got the all clear.

To treat my PVPS, the most effective solution is a reversal, but you can't get these on the NHS, even for PVPS - it's about 70% successful in treating PVPS. Cost of reversal is about £5k. I doubt it would work on my bad side as the GP made a complete mess - my tube work is painful and swollen even above the epididymis.

My only option is surgery to remove the epididymis. Only one can be done at a time due to risks of losing a plumb, and it's see how the first goes, then we will have a go at the second IF it works.

It is an effective contraceptive solution and I'd only banked on a few days off, took a couple of days off work, then would be back in work after weekend. No chance, was off for 3 weeks and had to let everyone know.

Got looks of 'soft arse' from many women colleagues (who had kids), but they are backtracking now given I've had almost 12 months of severe pain.

There are a few mners on here who know or have had partners who have had some bad experiences. Please bear it in mind if the surgery does go wrong. It's just not funny for either of you. It's a poorly researched 'condition'.

theynevershutup Mon 29-Jul-13 10:39:08

My DH is going to get it done. Not because of pressure frim me but we have 2 DCs are early 40s, both definitely dont want any more. I came off the pill after being on it for years & getting bad headaches. Cant have mirena coil or mini pill as have bad skin & Dr advised against it as progesterone can irritate condition. Dont fancy copper coil as alreadt have heavyish periods. So use condoms which arent great.

So other option is snip. Loads of my friends husbands have had it done, I think as we are both so sure we dont want anymore children regardless of if we split up, its not actually a big deal. Its got to be whats right for you as a couple.

TheFuzz Mon 29-Jul-13 10:42:11

Oh and despite my father having had no problems after the snip, the problems I've had have put off the three younger blokes in my family - they won't go through with it knowing the risks are 1 in 10. None of them knew about it, neither did I nor my father.

Shame on the NHS and GP's for covering this crap up. I'm sure many of the posters on these 7 pagse don't know the risks either.

I've had a 'review' on NHS choises taken down about the surgery that performed my surgery. I basically complained that the GP did not explain the risks, and when questioned by me denied anyone had had any problems. When asking him about 'what happens IF I do get this' I was bluntly told 'speak to your Urologist'. I didn't have a Urologist. The practice complained that the vasectomy was a seperate activity and just used the minor surgery room. This is a lie as the GP is a main partner at the surgery, and it was in his room the surgery was performed. These are the total lies you will deal with.

I've contacted NHS choices to explain who did the surgery, so they may put it back. I also explained that you won't get treated with respect. Part way through the surgery, another GP burst into the room, whilst I was there bottom half out, and my pipes sticking out of my body. She just went 'oh' and went outside !

Only will your Urologist tell you the truth. It's too late then.

havingamadmoment Mon 29-Jul-13 10:53:18

People go on and on about this to me. We have 5 dc, I have a mirena. Family keep saying "Dh should get the snip" going on and on about how we dont want any more about how its his "turn".

The point is though he had traumatic surgery (serious injury) on that area a number of years ago and even though he has said he WOULD I know the thought brings back so many bad memories I would NEVER want to put him through it.

Also we are 29 and who is to say in 10 years we wont say "hey what about number 6?".

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Mon 29-Jul-13 10:55:18

dh thinks its the best thing he ever did. losing children is the worst thing that can happen to a parent sad but you can lose them at any age. my ds's are older now so even if dh was not snipped I doubt I could have any more so if something happened now god forbid I would not have an option of a 'replacement' so to speak.

TheFuzz Mon 29-Jul-13 11:08:58

As for more kids etc. Got two, won't be having any more should anything happen. Starting a young family in my mid 40's or older is not an idea I fancy. Done enough of that in my 30's.

catpark Mon 29-Jul-13 11:22:15

Dh is getting the snip soon, for us it was the best decision.

Pill and pregnancy hormones disrupt the medication i'm now on, it stops it bonding to my blood and getting to my organs. Without my medication I would die. I don't react well to general anaesthetic so sterilisation is out as I would need one to do it.

I did try a low dose pill and I felt really ill, after DH saw the state I ended up in he went to see his GP about getting the snip. It means we can continue having a sex life without the worry. He is doing it to protect me.

Everyone's situation is different, and if you and your DH/DP decide that long-term sterilisation isn't for you, that's fine. Don't do it then. But why express any horror or surprise or disapproval when someone else decides differently to you?

I'm always slightly puzzled by the general assumption, which seems very prevalent in the UK, that you need to procreate with every long-ish term partner you have. Why is that?

And I have to say, the whole idea behind "but what if you split and he wants to have a child with his new partner?" always seems to have undertones of "well, he doesn't want any more children but his new partner might talk him into it, and ^it would be unfair to deprive another woman of motherhood^".

Perhaps I'm off the mark. But why on earth can't we trust that men know what they're doing and allow them control over their own fertility without any shock or horror or "but what if" or worrying about some hypothetical future wife/partner?

expatinscotland Mon 29-Jul-13 11:34:29

You are not alone in your thinking, Annie, I feel the same.

Yeah, I saw you'd posted similar upthread after I posted mine... there's me not reading everything properly again!!! grin

GoshAnneGorilla Mon 29-Jul-13 12:24:13

Annie - quite. How many children do most people want anyway? 2-3 is generally enough for most people, so why do you need to have more just because a new partner is on the scene? Especially when considering a lot of the drama that comes with second families.

MiaowTheCat Mon 29-Jul-13 12:30:57

It's this whole mentality that blokes should keep their nuts intact so they've got a "plan B" that I really don't get. You don't get this about women - that THEY need a backup plan in case they split, get a new partner and might want kids with them... it's just this whole deal that blokes need to hang onto their nadgers "just in case" that boggles my mind slightly.

Miaow - like I said in my post, I think the discrepancy we get isn't really about thinking men might need to have more children, but that their new partner might want children and need him to provide the sperm.

It's a weird kind of thinking - that all women have the absolute right to be mothers and all men must be able to provide the sperm if they so desire. If a woman finds a new partner and he's been sterilised, either deal with it or break up before it gets serious - no-one is obligated to impregnate you.

It really all comes back to the idea that children are primarily the domain of women, and men are just there to create them. Men apparently are allowed to have babies with every partner because it doesn't matter if they have lots. While women should be responsible and prevent themselves from having more children than they can deal with.

There are endless threads about women who have had children with men who have multiple children, all with different women, and don't provide for any of them adequately. Yet it's the women who are blamed for letting these men get them pregnant, and a collective gasp of horror is issued (as the OP has experienced) if a man actually takes responsibility and makes sure he doesn't leave a trail of babies behind him.

SelectAUserName Mon 29-Jul-13 12:53:20

My DH had the snip when I was comparatively young - late 20s maybe? He is much older and had teenage children from his first marriage when we met. He was adamant that for a number of reasons, including serious health issues, he didn't want more children which was fine by me as I have never wanted them. I spent the first few years we were together on the Pill until I started to develop vascular migraine which was a contra-indication so we had to consider our other options. I can't remember how the subject of him having a vasectomy was first raised, but I think it was initially his suggestion. I would have happily considered sterilisation but at the age I was at then with no biological children, my GP refused to refer me.

I'm now in my 40s, still with him, still perfectly happy with my stepchildren, have no regrets about not having given birth and am grateful to him for sparing me the hassle of having to think about contraception.

Ironically, given that he had been in a serious relationship before me, the one thing we didn't discuss was the prospect of either of us wanting children from a future relationship, partly and most importantly I think because we were both 100% certain we didn't want children (or more children, in his case) and partly because we were both equally convinced that our relationship would last. Actuarially speaking, I am likely to be a comparatively young-ish widow given the age gap and his health problems (although it goes without saying I hope that doesn't become the case!) but the thought of some hypothetical future relationship didn't enter into the equation when we made the decision about our joint fertility based on our situation at that time.

Nomoredramaplease Mon 29-Jul-13 13:01:38

If my DH had had a vasectomy before we met, as his ex wife had wanted him to, we wouldn't have been together. It would've been a deal breaker for me.

lightshow Mon 29-Jul-13 14:11:27

I would probably have felt the same as those who don't want their DH's to have more dc in a future relationship, if it wasn't for DSis's experience of ttc with her DH who has had the snip. Nomoredramaplease it may well be a deal breaker in the end, they are devoted to each other but she's incredibly broody and is not keen on donor sperm. I think it's a horrible situation for a woman to be in and wouldn't want to put anyone else in that situation. You can't help who you fall for, and her DH is perfect for her in every other way.

I do have a colleague who encouraged her DH to have the snip when they had quite a rocky relationship (he actually already had an OW) because she felt there was no way she wanted her dc to get less maintenance/time in the case of him having a new family. But he got it reversed successfully, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for DSis that it will work for her and BIL.

meditrina Mon 29-Jul-13 14:18:22

Part of our thinking wasn't about split up and new partner and her wants. It was about say a crash when I was driving the DC and DH being left totally alone.

He does need to be sure, totally sure that, whatever life throws at him, he will not want more children.

Nomoredramaplease Mon 29-Jul-13 14:23:33

Lightshow I have every sympathy for your DSis. I think it's one thing for a couple to have fertility problems, which is obviously an incredibly difficult situation, but at least both partners are goin through the same struggle with primary infertility. I think it's different if one member of the couple already has children and the other is broody and childless. That would break the strongest couple.

Nomoredramaplease Mon 29-Jul-13 14:25:42

Especially when it's a voluntary infertility because at that time the person had decided they didn't want anymore children. Best wishes to your DSis and DBil.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Mon 29-Jul-13 14:34:39

I'm with MARYZ on this one.

It hadn't crossed my mind until the doctor asked how DH would feel if we split and he couldn't have children with anyone else. He thought a bit and then said he didn't want any more, full stop.

I just sat there thinking - too feckin right, focus on the ones you've got. I had never considered the idea of ours being some kind of 'starter' marriage with a Plan B.shock I know it happens but I never thought about it happening to us and my very first and basic instinct was to protect the interests of our real life, existing children.

To be fair, we were both approaching 40 and the snip was his idea in the first place.

TheFuzz Mon 29-Jul-13 14:48:40

MiaowTheCat,

You'll find that most men don't think like that, and it's more the women.

Why the hell would a bloke want more kids, never mind another woman ?

All men don't think like that, but I've yet to meet another fella that wouldn't go through the snip 'just in case'. The reason is they are either scared (and who could blame them). Not one has said, 'if something happened to my wife'.

Most I know have either had it done, or are hanging on for dear life awaiting the missus 'telling them' to get it done.

TheFuzz - thanks for confirming my suspicion! When people go "what if" about a man getting a vasectomy, it's his potential future partner who they are worrying about, not him.

It's very sad that men's opinions are given so little regard when it comes to their own children and their own fertility. People are always so shocked that men can often walk away from their children when a relationship breaks down, but to some extent, if they've always been seen as the "secondary" parent, it becomes more understandable.

TheFuzz Mon 29-Jul-13 16:23:27

Even my own partner said at one point - 'it's as though you want more children' - that thought had never crossed my mind and I was:-

1) Shit scared of the operation (it's not pleasant being fully consious, especially when you have to remain still when it starts to go wrong)

and

2) Trying to fit it in around a 'less busy' part of my year - just in case.

The thought of staying 'fertile' never came into my mind - most blokes are more likely not to want to sit there whilst a doctor sticks numerous needles in to your very sensitive bits whilst you have to sit still. It's also the unknown - I've had real surgery, but not minor stuff like this on such a sensitive body part - that's the bit that freaks men out and why they are reluctant. TBH it wasn't that bad, would have been a doddle if the anaesthetic had worked properly.

I've never met any bloke who has said that they want to remain fertile, most don't fancy a local down there. TBH I'd recommend general to anyone having it done.

well to be fair, TheFuzz, I'd have liked to have a general while I squeezed a new human being out of my most sensitive parts. I'm afraid your "pain and suffering" angle is going to get little sympathy from women who have given birth, along with all the myriad and devastating things that can and do often end up going wrong with their nethers as a consequence. Double incontinence anyone?

I realise it's not a competition, but I think you're being a little crass and insensitive with your "but it huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts and is scary" angle, considering what women have to go through.

TheFuzz Mon 29-Jul-13 19:29:22

What I am hinting at, is most men don't go through the thought of not having the procedure because they may or may not want to be able to father more children. That never enters a blokes head, but does enter some women's head, whilst I thought I would add a blokes point of view.

I know a lot of blokes that wouldn't do it as they are too chicken. As a married bloke I've peen through the problems birth caused my wife, but you bet there are plenty of blokes that wouldn't go for the snip because they can't bear the thought of having the pipes chopped.

I am not being insensitive, just adding what some blokes may think. I went through with it as I'd like to think I am a considerate partner, and my wife went through enough at birth x 2.

I have a relative where the bloke point blank refused to get the snip and his wife had it done instead after a number of kids.

Just trying to add a balanced view as blokes and women think very differently. No offence intended

meditrina Mon 29-Jul-13 19:37:51

I think you need to read TheFuzz's posts about how badly his vasectomy went before dismissing what he went through as crass and insensitive, especially as he still says that vasectomy is a generally Good Thing, despite his terrible experience.

TheFuzz: have they done the latest thing they were going to try? And is orchidectomy still on the cards?

MrsKoala Mon 29-Jul-13 19:50:44

I don't think it has anything to do the person being a 'man, therefore needing a plan b' or anything of the sort. I think the reaction would be exactly the same if a woman was sterilised. I know a woman of my age who was and everyones reaction was identical. I think some people are seeing sexism where there is none.

Personally I do make all my decisions based on what ifs. That's just the type of person i am. I cannot imagine ever being so secure in any decision that i couldn't comprehend a different situation or the possibility of a change of heart. I would never limit myself in any way. I like to keep as many options open to me at all times. And the fact there is a waiting list for reversals proves a change of heart is a possibility for those who never thought it would be.

However, i do agree it is no one elses business. And i must also agree with Annie - the it hurts argument doesn't quite fly, contraception is never without risks and side effects and sadly it is usually the women who bear this. As well as those from having your children. It is a decision you need to make as a couple and the discomfort seen as the price of a fulfilling sex life. If your wife has paid her fair share and you are sure it's what you both want isn't it your turn?

Fair enough. I'm speaking more in general terms than TheFuzz himself, though I appreciate that my post didn't read that way. Apologies for dismissing your experience, TheFuzz.

But I'm afraid I'm still going to have little respect or sympathy for any man who refuses to be snipped just because he's frightened of the pain or being touched in his privates. Women with similar fears are expected to just get other these things wrt giving birth, to the point of being told to get therapy for phobias, because it's expected for a woman to do her duty and procreate.

There are many legitimate reasons I can think of for a man to decide not to get a vasectomy. Being a bit 'fraidy doesn't fall into that category, IMO.

Get over, not get other.

HowlerMonkey Mon 29-Jul-13 21:41:48

I think there is a bit of a sexist slant though - my DH commented on it. He asked why it should generally fall to the woman to sort out long-term contraception (filling body with hormones/devices) when the man could take care of it too. It does lend itself to the whole 'mother is primary parent, father is secondary' argument as well, which is unfair on men.

Basically the whole thing's contentious, IMO.

TheFuzz Tue 30-Jul-13 09:03:59

Meditrina,

I'm currently awaiting surgery and taking a gamble. The easy option is life long medication, the gamble is surgery. Hopefully they can sort my worse one out, and if lucky I'll still have it at the end.

Then comes the wait to see if it cures the pain. If it does I can gamble again on the second. If it fails to relieve the pain then I don't really know what will be done. They won't operate on both as the risk of losing two is high, I wouldn't mind, but they produce testosterone which is an essential hormone in a man and plumbs will only be removed as a last resort in cancer cases (i.e. life saving)

Unfortunately there isn't much else we can do if we are to have a "fulfilling sex life" as the PVPS has ruined that.

As said, I've never not recommended it, 90% of the procedures go fine, just be aware that 1 in 10 have some nasty problems.

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