to think my dad shouldn't have done this (I don't know how cross to be!)

(199 Posts)
MorganMummy Sat 27-Jul-13 03:24:39

I'm genuinely not sure how cross I should be.

My dad has a convertible and my DS (2.7)loves cars. We were getting ready to go swimming when staying at my parents' a few days ago, and my dad took DS outside to sit in the car (which was on the drive),which he's done once or twice before. When I came out the car was in the garage and my dad told me he'd driven the car into the garage with DS in the passenger seat - no seatbelt, and obviously no child seat so even a seat belt not very helpful.

I was quite angry as I said even though it is a tiny tiny chance, what if my dad had a heart attack and car lurched forwards (or similar). It was literally a case of driving 10 metres or so on a sloping driveway, so I know the chance of danger was infinitesimal. However, I also believe in avoiding easily avoidable hazards. My dad clearly didn't think I would mind and wasn't secretive about it.

I told my dad he needed to promise me never to do that again. He didn't take me seriously and tried to make a fake jokey promise but I made him do a proper promise. Then I dropped the issue as we were all going out and I didn't want to have a big discussion.

I can't discuss with my DH as he would be furious and I don't want to put his relationship with his PIL under strain. But I know my dad and my mum think I was being OTT and as I've thought about it more I really don't know? Am I being PFB (I know I can be) or is it a generational thing but reasonable of me?

filee777 Sat 27-Jul-13 03:28:16

I think yabu I'm afraid

Samnella Sat 27-Jul-13 03:31:33

Yabu and pfb.

Samnella Sat 27-Jul-13 03:31:59

Yabu and pfb.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Jul-13 03:35:08

I can see why you'd maybe be miffed because it shows your Dad's not looking after your DS by the same rules you'd use to shape how you are with him.

It's a difficult one because there's a potential danger, and even though it's miniscule, it's one you yourself would control by not doing it and putting your DS in the situation in the first place.

But then GP's do go on different rules because they're different people to you, and that's one brilliant thing about them grin

DD1 had her first drive of the car on DH's lap when she was 3 YO, I was a bit worried in the back thinking I was being driven by a 3 YO grin but I'd done the same with my dads motorbike/car at similar ages, and it was fucking excellent! grin

I'm really saying that if this isn't a part of your Dad regularly doing things which common sense would say you don't do with a child (letting him drive the car on his own/leaving him in the bath/leaving him with a dog) then let it go.

If it's an example of your Dad overruling you and you don't feel he's safe with your DS, you should protect your DS.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Jul-13 03:37:57

Also, is it telling that you're not telling your DH so he doesn't go off on one?

Is his relationship with you and your parents so strained, and he's so uncontrolled, that you have to pick and choose what information he has to keep from him?

That doesn't sound good. That you know he'll be furious can only be because he's been like that before, what other kinds of things does he get so wound up about?

Leather Sat 27-Jul-13 03:52:29

YABU and PFB I'm afraid. Your dad is probably from the generation who lobbed their kids onto the back seat of the Cortina, flung a duvet in their direction and drove overnight to Cornwall for holidays!
He'd probably think you're a bit bonkers if you bring it up again, let it go.
It's fine, nothing bad happened, you told him off, he'll think twice before doing anything similar

squoosh Sat 27-Jul-13 03:55:06

Well this really takes the biscuit.

Your Dad drove 10 metres at what, 2 miles per hour, with your kid in the car and you're outraged because there's a chance your father might have had a heart attack......and.......and died? Even if that did happen it's highly unlikely that at the velocity they would have been travelling at that your PFB would have been harmed. Father dead, kid fine.

Have a re-read and see how over the top you sound. Honestly.

OTT doesn't even begin to cover it. Your parents are in their bedroom right now saying 'we have raised a crazy woman'.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Jul-13 03:57:18

It's not bonkers to try and keep your DC from harm though Leather, and I wouldn't be fussed if anyone thought I was for saying no to something.

But then I'm fairly gobby confident (most of the time) when it comes to what feels OK/not OK, if I'm not I can bounce it off DH who knows the ins/outs of it as well as I do and thinks along the same lines.

But the OP can't do that.

I think you need to tell him that it's irrelevant whether he feels it is safe or not. He needs to respect your wishes as the parents and if he can't promise to stick to your safety rules then you can't leave your DS on his own with him.

TeeBee Sat 27-Jul-13 04:14:45

Yabu, seriously. It was on his drive not the M25.

SideshoBob Sat 27-Jul-13 04:30:35

This surely isn't serious? Even in the highly unlikely event he had a heart attack at that time (and even then he'd probably be able to move his foot off the accelarator) at worst he'd get a tiny bump as the car hit into the wall. It really is taking things to the most extreme level, you had far, far more danger of your child getting hurt swimming than in this incident so the easily avoidable hazard thing doesn't really wash either.

everlong Sat 27-Jul-13 04:38:14

You're not being PFB.

You're being utterly fucking bonkers!

You need to lock ds in a padded room for the rest of his life just in case.

I hope this sorry tale is a wind up.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Jul-13 04:42:54

Awww, 2.5 YO is only just shy of being a baby, it can be difficult to get out of that protective mindset sometimes.

Trazzletoes Sat 27-Jul-13 04:45:57

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but, are you alright, OP? I only ask because I have relatives with anxiety disorders and its this kind of incredibly tiny risk that gets them worked up.

IMO YABU. Your child wasn't taken on the road without a car seat. Tiny journey. Infinitely small risk.

BillyGoatintheBuff Sat 27-Jul-13 05:00:32

no, I think you've over reacted.

Burmobasher Sat 27-Jul-13 05:33:59

Yabu and beyond pfb.
At first I thought you meant to the garage (ie petrol station) with the way you reacted then realised you meant up the drive into the garage. My ds1 is of a similar age and would love this. Would you not take him to the playground in case he riskily climbed up the steps onto the slide?
Your poor dad.

PlatinumStart Sat 27-Jul-13 05:44:57

YABU

I'm really concerned about you not being able to discuss this with your DH though - are there other things that you/your Parents do that would make your DH "furious"? I think perhaps his attitude is warping your perspective.

YA absolutely BU.
He drove into the garage. Very slowly.
No wonder he didn't take you seriously!
AND I bet your DS bloody loved it!

greenfolder Sat 27-Jul-13 06:03:49

As a general rule-if you aren't sure how angry to be the answer is not at all

conorsrockers Sat 27-Jul-13 06:11:40

It all sounds very stressful.
Of course your DF did nothing wrong - I think that one's been covered, it would be nice to apologise to him and say that you overreacted. You'll look back at that and cringe in a few years time.
DH is the issue here. Why would he be furious?

Homebird8 Sat 27-Jul-13 06:16:49

YABU about the risk in this case but I would use it to emphasise how important it is to wear suitable restraints on the public highway. At 2.7 your DS will love learning 'motoring facts' like this. Cut you dad some slack.

KingRollo Sat 27-Jul-13 06:19:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButchCassidy Sat 27-Jul-13 06:19:26

Totally and utterly YABVVVVVVVU

PanicMode Sat 27-Jul-13 06:19:58

My FIL put a teaspoon of sugar into my 8 month old's mouth (my first child) after I had just been telling my PIL that we were being very careful about his diet - that made DH and myself 'furious' because it was disrespectful. But it wasn't going to kill him, and now that I have four children, I can see that it was my FIL's irritating way of telling me not to be so controlling.

Driving a child unrestrained for 30 seconds into a garage is hardly life threatening - unless your father has heart problems that could lead him to have a heart attack at any second, YABU.

KingRollo Sat 27-Jul-13 06:21:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sat 27-Jul-13 06:24:37

Oh dear...YABU I'm afraid.

Give your Pa a big hug and apologise , as he will currently be appalled and baffled.

antsypants Sat 27-Jul-13 06:26:36

There are a lot of risks that you have to try and minimise, this is not one of them, your dad probably reacted the way he did to you because he was completely bemused, he probably made the mistake of assuming that you trusted him with the baby after he brought you (and any siblings) up safely...

You can make any action into a potential hazard with a baby, but you will drive yourself insane trying to foresee every potential risk, so don't make an issue out of it, your father won't do it again now he has seen your reaction.

One day your child is going to have an accident or do something really dangerous, save all the panic for then.

Splitheadgirl Sat 27-Jul-13 06:30:32

You were mean to your dad, telling him that you half expect him to have a heart attack and die soon. Your kid was in no real danger so yes, you were BVU.

mathanxiety Sat 27-Jul-13 06:33:30

I have a nephew who backed a convertible through a fence, across a flowerbed and a naice lawn straight into a swimming pool at age 3. He got the keys from an open handbag. He survived but the neighbours were a bit miffed. grin

You are being bonkers.
However, it's the pole up the arse of your DH that makes it impossible for you to talk to him about certain things that is the real story here.

Your dad's ideas on safety are not.

mathanxiety Sat 27-Jul-13 06:34:13

How stressful is your life?

trinity0097 Sat 27-Jul-13 06:36:56

You are being very unreasonable, I initially thought you had meant a trip on the road, but on a drive, come on get a grip on reality!

Prince George bring taken home got me taking to parents about how I got home from hospital and asked if they managed the car seat as effortlessly - apparently I was driven home in my Mum's arms, about 15-20miles from the hospital, which included meeting a car going around a roundabout the wrong way - I am here to tell the tale!

CailinDana Sat 27-Jul-13 06:47:06

Your poor dad. He wanted to give his gs a tiny little thrill and you made out that he was some sort of idiot who had put a child in danger. He must feel awful. You owe him a massive apology.

exoticfruits Sat 27-Jul-13 06:48:12

I am still thinking this has to be a joke- surely it has to be? hmm
He drove 10metres- at a speed so slow he was hardly moving- and you think it so dangerous you are surprised that he was quite open about it?
Truly bonkers if you are serious.

You are in for a very stess filled few years. Does this mean that he can't take DC for a walk to feed the ducks etc alone in case he has a heart attack? You are just as likely to have an accident when you are alone with him. I assume that you drive with him alone? You could have a bad accident whilst doing so- even though he is strapped in!

You will have to get a grip and you do need to learn to risk assess.

missrlr Sat 27-Jul-13 06:49:13

Yabu and totally pfb.

Go to grip shop obtain grip use grip

Tell DH to stop being a drama queen and work out why his fury is acceptable to you.

Also think if you want to live censoring life. How will this impact DC?

PS for clarity IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE AND SHOULD NOT BE TO YOU.

LegoAcupuncture Sat 27-Jul-13 06:56:37

What Everlong said.

Yeah a bit ott but I know what it's like with your first dc, everything seems like a massive deal and you are so cautious with them.
My dh has ridden from the bottom of our drive into the garage with ds on his motorbike and while it as a bit shock I realised that at 2 mph it was likely to be fine.

Capitola Sat 27-Jul-13 07:07:51

Seriously?

Bonkers & PFB. Are you a neurotic person generally?

Why would your OH be furious? With you, or you Dad?

And "being cross" is an emotion, you don't "decide" how cross to be - this has clearly made you cross and I think you're right to examine why such a small thing has made you react so.

This either has to be a wind up or is written by someone who has anxiety issues. I think the DH is the key here. So I'll play along. OP, YABVU, but tell us why your DH would have been so furious.

Sparklingbrook Sat 27-Jul-13 07:12:23

I don't think there's any need for some of these comments.

Morgan, I think that it is a bit OTT and PFB to feel that way, so just let it go and forget about it.

Yabu and utterly ridiculous. You need to learn to risk assess without catastrophising because otherwise your life will be totally miserable and you will be wrung out with worry constantly.
This was not a risky thing to do, by normal standards. You do riskier things every day (like drive with DS in the car in his car seat!) and you do them because the risk is low. You cannot treat every 'oh my god what if dad had a heart attack' insane thought that pops into your head as if it were sensible. Believe me, you will have plenty of those thoughts throughout ds's life but you have to manage them or they would send you insane.
And it's very weird that your dh would also be furious. Are you a paranoid pair in general?

OP I think you've been told YABU now.
However, I can completely understand. "use a properly fitted car seat on any journey NO MATTER HOW SHORT" is drummed into you and if you are like me, quite a literal person, then you can take it literally. In addition, assuming your DP agrees, then within reason, what you two as parents say, goes.
DH has done this with the DCs since they were old enough to show an interest. However if he hadn't and if it had been GPs who had done it, I may well have reacted like you, I honestly don't know.

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain Sat 27-Jul-13 07:17:00

YABU.

He's more likely to hurt himself being a 2 year old and just smacking into things around the house.

If I was your dad, I'd be pretty miffed that in said situation you're more worried about your son getting a small bump on the head than your dad's hypothetical heart attack that causes it. Do you not let people pick him up in case they trip or faint?

Is it you being pfb or your husband? The fact you've already acknowledged he would be furious suggests it might be his over protective nature that you feel compelled to follow.

AgentZigzag From 3 onwards I put my dad's car on the drive every Tuesday after DGPs had left. Bloody fantastic! I was a steering legend!

KittieCat Sat 27-Jul-13 07:19:47

YABU. My DS is 2.5 and 'drives' my parents car sat on Dad's lap. He's done this for about a year.

Clearly his 'driving' is only when the car is in its parking space but the engine is on and he moves it. I did the same when I was little.

Say sorry to your Dad and let them have their fun!

exoticfruits Sat 27-Jul-13 07:20:54

Does DH have a problematic relationship with your parents? They must walk on eggshells if something like that would strain it.

If it is a serious post then perhaps you need to think about getting help for your anxiety problems.

Pagwatch Sat 27-Jul-13 07:20:55

I want to know how old the Grandfather is.

exoticfruits Sat 27-Jul-13 07:22:57

How do you cope with your DS up climbing frames, on slides, running etc

Weegiemum Sat 27-Jul-13 07:25:30

YA definitely BU.

SolomanDaisy Sat 27-Jul-13 07:28:36

I once saw a grandad allowing his grandad to stand on a wall operating an electric hedge trimmer. The child was about five. That is the level of risk where you need to intervene with grandparents.

TheFallenNinja Sat 27-Jul-13 07:32:03

"I made him make a proper promise"

Are you eight? Did you make him pinky promise?

Your father managed to keep you alive your whole life, so he has a good track record.

Grandparents generally know a thing or two about keeping kids safe, I suggest you acknowledge this and apologise to him. As for DH and this 'fury', well, if he's that concerned he should have been there.

Theexisapsychocunt Sat 27-Jul-13 07:33:43

Yabu ridiculous

lougle Sat 27-Jul-13 07:34:49

You'll laugh one day...

He was probably safer in the car while it was being moved then outside. He could have run in front of it.

TBH grandparents tend to have their own ideas about danger.

I've only intervened the once and that was when I found out that my Dad had been giving my DD (then 3) lifts to the shop on his motorbike, not far but wearing an ill fitting helmet and not able to reach the footrests hmm

poachedeggs Sat 27-Jul-13 07:35:30

YABU.

But, I can sympathise. I have perfectionist tendencies in terms of raising my DC, and I know when my first was small I very, very much lived within the rules. I might have been like this when he was tiny. "No car journeys without a car seat" is a mantra in your head, and when you're in the fug of trying to do everything "right" it can be easy to stick to that without seeing the bigger picture and having perspective.

I think you probably hold yourself and those around you to very high standards. That can be a good thing but you need to temper it a bit maybe smile

Go and give your Dad a hug and apologise.

Oldandcobwebby Sat 27-Jul-13 07:37:06

Have you considered speaking to a doctor about your paranoia? Your parents must despair.

Fakebook Sat 27-Jul-13 07:37:48

YABU. I've let my DS from when he was about 13m sit in my brother's "fun" sports car whilst I turned my car out of the driveway and back in to make space for his. Infact we've done this a few times.

I think you're getting a bit of an unfair grilling tbh, but I think you should apologise to your dad about this incident and let him know you still expect him to use a carseat for long journies, incase he thinks he can take him around without one.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 27-Jul-13 07:37:59

If this is the most risky thing DS ever does he will have a very claustrophobic and boring life.

YABU

comingintomyown Sat 27-Jul-13 07:40:52

YABU

To say the least

LookMaw Sat 27-Jul-13 07:42:36

YABVU. I kinda feel sorry for your dad. He obviously raised you perfectly well and there you are shouting at him that he can't even safely take care of his own grandchildren. And if he did have a heart attack at the wheel, there's a high chance that he would be able to stop the car when he felt it coming on.

Will you prevent him from carrying your DS incase he falls & drops him? From picking him up from school one day incase he forgets? It's pretty ageist to assume he will have a heart attack at the wheel, unless there are underlying issues you haven't mentioned here.

And as for your DH being so furious you can't even discuss it with him. Bit of a red flag to me.

Moln Sat 27-Jul-13 07:43:45

YABU

the risk is so small it hardly exists, my dad does this frequently with my children when he puts his van away in the evening. He'd be strict about car seats too, on all car rides on the actual road.

Also if you are truly anxious about this it could be difficult for you to cope with the coming years, with climbing frames etc if it is anxiety the I'd advise seeking help. Also if it is this does it mean ypur DH would truely be furious?

However if it's PFB then is this one of the first time somethings been done outside of your 'rules' and control with your DS (which after two and a half years would be some achievement!). because that can be a shock to the system, realising people don't conform to every single way you think your child should be treated when you aren't there.

Another one who agrees with Everlong..........I suggest if you have a spare bedroom that you convert it into a padded room. Your poor Dad!

SillyTilly123 Sat 27-Jul-13 07:47:50

When we went to Haven in March, I allowed the 3 dds not to wear their belt/sit in carseat while driving around the complex. They loved it. The speed limit was 10 or 15 with speed bumps every 10 meters or so so I felt they were safe, I never even took into account I could of had a heart attack (im 31) wink

exoticfruits Sat 27-Jul-13 07:48:31

I wouldn't be as patronising as to tell him he must use a car seat for longer journeys- he wasn't even on a journey. It is like saying he must wear a hat and sunblock to go outside and then getting upset if he walks to the car without.

MrsBungle Sat 27-Jul-13 07:59:09

Goodness me. Yabu. Your dad must have thought you were joking! I don't know how you'll cope with bed jumping, tree climbing and other kid activities. And, as for your dh being furious and it affecting their relationship - jeez.

Somr really nasty comments on this thread.

poachedeggs Sat 27-Jul-13 08:05:06

Agree Stealth, lots of unkindness here sad

Inertia Sat 27-Jul-13 08:06:17

I think you are getting an unfairly hard time here. You accept that the risks are small, but you don't want to encourage laxity around car safety, which is understandable.

It might be worth taking the approach with your dad that you want to be consistent about car safety. The silly voice promise sounds a bit childish to me , as if your dad is trying to patronise you by making out that you are just playing at being mummy. That would annoy me.

TheFallenNinja Sat 27-Jul-13 08:06:32

This is Mumsnet, home of unkindness.

Do none of you remember being told to always always use a car seat no matter how short the journey? Now we know this can be excepted, but when you have that memorg of tbe health visitor and her emphasis on car seats, it's not that unreasonable

TheFallenNinja Sat 27-Jul-13 08:09:02

Its ridiculous is what it is.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 08:10:55

YABU.

However, I would have expected my Dad if doing that to put on his own seatbelt automatically & therefore put one on his GS-albeit badly fitting!

And this on mn where I regularly hear people say you must do anything with any risk, no matter how small.

TimeofChange Sat 27-Jul-13 08:14:24

Morgan: Please come back and tell us why your DH would be furious.

MrsReacher Sat 27-Jul-13 08:18:22

I think the YABU has been covered but I think the poster who said its a generational thing has it spot on

I remember me, my 3 siblings, mom,dad, Nan and grandad all piling in the Ford Zeffa to go on holiday. It had the same seat in the front as the back so not even that squashed with the 8 of us. Happy days smile

OP. Give your dad a hug and explain how we are made to feel about car seats nowadays made you go a bit crazy

Xmasbaby11 Sat 27-Jul-13 08:19:11

YABU, sorry. Tiny distance, low speed. Try to let it go, but if you suspect your dad is being lax in other situations/driving DS normally, have a word with him.

jellyandcake Sat 27-Jul-13 08:19:48

I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable but I wouldn't like my son to see the carseat as optional so I wouldn't let him be driven even a short distance without it.

And I find some of the stories on here a bit perturbing - the person whose PIL picked her and 4m old up from airport without a carseat for one! I would certainly have refused to get in and I definitely think something like that IS worth falling out over! There is an enormous difference between that and the OP!

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 08:22:18

Generational?

How old is OPs father?

My husband & I, both nearly 50, never even start a car without everyone being strapped in.

FIL, late 70s, my Dad in his 80s, both the same.

I think it's an attitude/can't be bothered thing.

I would have thought for most people that "belting up" was just automatic.

Sconset Sat 27-Jul-13 08:24:03

I think. The difficulty here for the OP is that her father isn't taking safety seriously enough to be entrusted with her son. If the GF put the child in the car without proper restraint once, he may do it again, as 'oh its just a tiny journey' to the local shop etc. Problem then on the open road is that you cannot account for the other idiots driving!
Like the woman who pulled out of a side road into me, and wrote off my car 2 weeks ago. 'I looked one way, but I didn't look the other' she said! angry
I am unhurt, but my car is fucked- if i'd had my children in the car, at least 1 would be very, very seriously injured, if not worse (she came out like a bullet, and really rammed my rear passenger side, its all stove in).

MalcolmTuckersMum Sat 27-Jul-13 08:26:14

Have you considered speaking to a doctor about your paranoia? Your parents must despair.

This.

And there's something about the "DH would be furious" that I find faintly worrying too. I hope when you come back you can reassure us that your totally over the top anxiety is not down to being in a controlling and/or oppressive relationship.

MissAntithetic Sat 27-Jul-13 08:27:03

I think you are massively over reacting.

Now if you had said "I don't want ds getting confused I teach him that he must be in a car seat and safely fastened in before the car moves" then you may have had a point. If it were my dad I would have just asked him not to do that because of the above reason. At a push although I'm not particularly bothered.

Are you usually so anxious?

Buzzardbird Sat 27-Jul-13 08:27:26

Op probably asleep judging by what time she started this thread.
Op are you suffering with anxiety issues? I know it makes everything seem ten times worse and life threatening events are around every corner? You need more support perhaps from dh.

Just like it is irrelevant whether or not WE think it is ok. You as the parent get to choose which risks you are willing to take.

Passmethecrisps Sat 27-Jul-13 08:35:44

Poor OP!

For what it's worth I think the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. But lots of unkind posts? Unnecessary.

Maybe a wee chat with GF about concerns re car seat and safety to put your mind at ease that he won't undermine you but then put the issue to bed.

heidihole Sat 27-Jul-13 08:36:42

YABU and a crazy crazy lady! One day you'll look back at this and laugh.

This is beyond PFB I'm afraid this is lunatic territory smile

pianodoodle Sat 27-Jul-13 08:39:07

I think it was an overreaction on your part and I say that as a fellow worrier!

Unless your dad would think nothing of going for a drive without belts or is generally careless I wouldn't mind.

Also unless he's at high risk of heart attack it isn't really the reason to give as we can't all avoid everyday life activities just in case we collapse.

DD ploughs up and down the drive in an electric dodgem car and frequently climbs out while it's moving or messes around in there! She'd have fewer accidents being driven into the garage in our car smile

mothersapron Sat 27-Jul-13 08:43:18

Ha ha Morgan, You remind me of when DS was 2. I told his dad I would refuse him access to his DS if he gave him squash again, I could smell it in his water cup! I was tired and stressed. I really do laugh about it now, you will too. grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Sat 27-Jul-13 08:43:38

OP YABU I'm afraid - but I can understand the overwhelming risk-averse overprotectiveness a lot of parents feel. My dh calls me 'safety girl', but even I wouldn't bat an eyelid at this.

Your dc really wasn't at risk, and probably had a lovely time. Your dad was giving him a little treat. He's probably rightly confused about your reaction to this.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 08:49:37

OP, you may have BU in the way you spoke to your Dad.

But as I've said, in this case, the no seat belt would piss me off.

It's just automatic to put one on when in a car, isn't it?

TBH, I don't understand why some people don't belt up until after starting the car, & certainly not until after starting to drive away.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Jul-13 08:51:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji Sat 27-Jul-13 08:56:53

The risk I small, but actually sometimes crashes happen in short distances and many accidents occur near the home where we relax the most.

When I was learning to drive another student crashed (properly crashed) the car against a tree when coming out of the parking spot.
And exH witnessed a driver crash her car onto another, both in parallel parking.
Both just accelerated too much from a stopped position.

A 2.5 year old might have hurt his neck or his head.

So, maybe not go nuts at your father, but insist on safety yes.

My dad is really safety conscious, this is the man who will wind his window down to tell other people off if their children aren't strapped in. But I can see him doing the same as the OP's dad, the risk is minimal. Doing a drive up a driveway really slowly with a child unstrapped doesn't mean he'll do a drive anywhere else with the drive unstrapped.

I took DS to a safari park a couple of months ago, and DH had him sat on his lap all the way round. None of us were wearing seatbelts. Because the risk there was so tiny. You're never going to get through life without some risks, you just have to objectively weigh them up.

greenhill Sat 27-Jul-13 09:01:19

Please stop being unkind to MorganMummy, from the tone of her post she is anxious about several issues, (including her DH's reaction to a minor incident she feels she would have to hide from him), fear of death of several family members and a strong urge to see the worst case scenario in every incident. This may be her only child and she may have fertility issues, so could be excessively concerned about safety issues.

Words such as cross, angry, fake, secretive and promise, all suggest over thinking and anxiety by the OP. I despair of AIBU posts, if this was posted on the Mental Heath board, there would be sympathy and advice offered.

Its a drive at hardly any speed into a garage. That's nothing to get into such a panic about and if your husband was to be furious at then I think he might have some issues.

Just because he didn't belt him in for a 2 min drive up the drive doesn't mean he cant be trusted with the child's safety and wont ever have him in a car seat

My dad did this with all of us and does it with my son. He still has him in a case seat if leaving the drive! Its not a generation thing either as my dad is 41.

Lweji Sat 27-Jul-13 09:02:35

And I'm definitely not a pfb mother. smile

I can see you were worried, and that there was something VERY simple (seatbelt) that your Dad could have done to ensure it was much more safe for DS.

However, as caring and protecting goes, I personally think your reaction is WAY over the top.

You're never going to be able to remove all risk, and you need to be careful about the negative impacts of being too over-protective, and removing all danger.

It scared/ annoyed you. Apologise to your dad and move on.

Rebelrebel Sat 27-Jul-13 09:06:11

While the risk is very small, it's the message to the child that is actually more important, IMO. Mine have it drummed into them that the car does not move until everyone is strapped in. You've ensured this will be a one-off, now you can let it go and forget about it.

Lastofthepodpeople Sat 27-Jul-13 09:07:30

My dad something similar at about the same age for DS. They're on a farm so no other cars and he let DS sit on his lap and 'drive' it back the farmhouse. he went really slowly but it did make me uncomfortable. Others have said your Dad's from a different generation and they're right but we're also from one where we can go a bit overboard a bit. So YABU, but I can definitely understand why you feel that way.

DragonMamma Sat 27-Jul-13 09:09:44

Absolutely, unequivocally unreasonable of you.

It is such a non issue I bet your parents think you are stark raving bonkers for going off on. Massively PFB too, I'm afraid.

If this is how you feel generally though it's probably worth speaking to your GP

Witt Sat 27-Jul-13 09:10:01

YABU for the reasons stated above.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 09:10:55

"Mine have it drummed into them that the car does not move until everyone is strapped in."

Yes, that!

I think, OP that YANBT(otally)U.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 27-Jul-13 09:13:56

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU.

But then apparently not wanting your child to go in a moving vehicle without being properly strapped in is paranoid, anxious, OCD, PFB and we should probably go and see a mental health professional hmm

Goldmandra Sat 27-Jul-13 09:16:32

YA only BU if the car does not have airbags.

The speed the car was travelling was no more than he would have travelled on a bike or probably even running around so there was no additional risk.

However if the car has airbags, and the driver slightly misjudged something, causing a small bump, the airbags could go off killing a child who was not sitting back in the seat.

I don't let children into the front of my car unless they are sitting quite still in the passenger seat when the ignition is on.

maja00 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:17:04

YABU, sorry - and really rude to your dad.

Fair enough to say "I'd prefer DS is always strapped in in a moving car so he knows that's the rule" or similar but to make a huge song and dance about promising was OTT.

Your dad might have had a heart attack - equally an asteroid might have hit them.

flowery Sat 27-Jul-13 09:19:42

I expect you put your child in more danger every time you strap him carefully into his car seat and take him out on busy roads.

I'm curious you think your DH would be so furious you are not going to tell him though.

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain Sat 27-Jul-13 09:21:11

Goldmandra - you make an interesting point as my dad's car when I was about ten had a massive sticker saying that children under the age of 12 were not to be in the front seat at all due to the airbags. I remember being livid at the time (as ten year olds are) that I was treated like a 'baby'.

Incidentally, I went to get something out of the glovebox of our parked car the other day and when I went to get out, realised I'd strapped myself in! Reflex action smile

MrsOakenshield Sat 27-Jul-13 09:21:14

yabu. If you take that to it's natural conclusion you would never leave the house, to avoid all those avoidable hazards.

DD has been out in her grandaddy's Morris Bullnose, first time when she was about 18 months. No car seats, or indeed seatbelts in that. Went for a spin round the block with her sitting on my knee. Brilliant.

Blimey, your poor DF, and DS, it really is a non issue, really.

piratecat Sat 27-Jul-13 09:26:03

think the op has got the message everyone.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 09:26:33

"Went for a spin round the block with her sitting on my knee. Brilliant."

Which was your decision about your child's safety at the time.

frogwatcher42 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:27:58

You must be bonkers (and YABU). I would give anything for my dad to be interested enough to spend time doing stuff like that with my dc. There was no risk really. Airbags take a fair bump to go off - not likely driving into a garage at 2mph - for what 10m? Life is full of hazards and risks - it is simply a question of how risky.

This really was not worth mentioning and if you are not careful your parents will feel too worried to do anything with your dc in case of being 'told off' and they will have a very stilted relationship with your ds. Your parents will probably start to think 'what if we did something wrong and it ended in disaster - she (you) would never forgive us' and then will be too worried to have much to do with your dc. Life is full of risks - you have to take some to have fun.

Your child is far more at risk being pushed along a pavement in a buggy with cars going past. Thats actually, imo, one of the most risky things to do. Only takes a driver to be distracted for a moment and mount the kerb .....

MrsOakenshield Sat 27-Jul-13 09:36:08

diddl - not sure what you're asking me? I had no concerns over DD's safety and in actual fact would trust FIL's driving far more in the Bullnose than in his normal car with DD in her carseat. We were driving round a quiet suburb on a Sunday morning and the car can barely reach 30 mph. DD is in far more danger walking to her nursery - a car could veer off the road and plough into her at any time. Do I still take her? Of course I do.

confused oh ffs!!

in agreement with what everlongsaid.

Trazzletoes Sat 27-Jul-13 09:42:07

Not directed at the OP but 2 points...

1) Unimpressed at the suggestion that the OP may have fertility issues which could explain her being more careful with her DC. That's an offensive suggestion to those both with and without fertility issues.

2) at the speed he appears to be driving, my understanding is no matter how hard he had crashed the airbag wouldn't have gone off. I may well be wrong but I thought they generally wouldn't go off below 20 miles/hr or something as the impact wouldn't be strong enough for the ball to hit the wotsit hard enough to set them off.

ChristineDaae Sat 27-Jul-13 09:42:48

I fel really sorry for your dad that you went off at him about this sad

MadeOfStarDust Sat 27-Jul-13 09:45:59

I think people are being a bit unkind to the OP - it was a bit of an overreaction, but I would not have been happy either -

if we get in the car a seatbelt goes on - full stop, non-negotiable, no - "well Granddad said I didn't need one" etc....

If it is not granddad's automatic reaction to put a seatbelt on in the car, then what happens when he has the child alone... I would want to be able to trust him, this puts that niggle of doubt there.

Does the car have airbags - it only takes a moment's distraction (a 2 year old free range in the front seat?) to bump something too hard, no child that age should be in the front of a car with active airbag - people are assuming it was at 2mph - my granddad used to pull into the garage at a fair old whack and slam the brake on near the wall... I can see the concern!

Wuldric Sat 27-Jul-13 09:47:02

You'll laugh one day, you will honestly smile

Hope you are not too scared to come back OP. Come back with a smile on your face.

Yonionekanobe Sat 27-Jul-13 09:47:49

In amazed you survived childhood with such an irresponsible father hmm

Seriously though, I feel really sorry for your Dad. He sounds like a doting grandfather spending time with his grandson and was rewarded with pondering over his death.

frogwatcher42 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:48:44

Stardust - I don't reckon most people put a seat belt on to move the car a few feet on a driveway. I expect grandad puts a belt on when he actually travels somewhere but we will never know that.

.

MadeOfStarDust Sat 27-Jul-13 09:51:18

frogwatcher42 - I do - it is automatic... even when I move the car 5 feet to get the bin out... just do it without thinking.

frogwatcher42 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:53:56

stardust - really. Well, I would like to say 'well done' but really it is a little unnecessary imo. And it sounds like it is an automatic response and it would be interesting to know if you think it is necessary due to risk.

thebody Sat 27-Jul-13 09:56:22

gosh op, that was a bit silly wasn't it really. I bet tour dad was hurt and pissed off.

not sure why your dh would be furious?

you both sound like hard work to be honest.

our dd was badly injured in a crash and she was wearing her seat belt. crap happens. she's been on school trips since even though as parents we want to wrap her up and never ever let her go out again we can't.

don't be over protective as that's as bad as not caring at all.

whois Sat 27-Jul-13 10:02:43

Wow. YABU. And strange.

Lazyjaney Sat 27-Jul-13 10:09:18

OP is bonkers.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sat 27-Jul-13 10:13:41

Totally pfb and totally unreasonable

"I do - it is automatic... even when I move the car 5 feet to get the bin out... just do it without thinking."

For me it's only automatic to put the seat belt on if I'm going more than a few feet.

nennypops Sat 27-Jul-13 10:40:20

What I don't get is how you deal with every other risk. After all, how can you take your child out of the house, you might have a heart attack whilst crossing the road? Do you always have two of you with him at all times, even at home? Hang on though, you might both be struck by lightning together, perhaps you need a couple more people around just in case? Both of you really have to get things in proportion.

digerd Sat 27-Jul-13 10:40:45

My DD insists I put my seat belt on before she moves her car out of my driveway when giving me a lift. Some cars even peep an alarm if the seat belt belt is not fastened when the ignition is started before the car drives off. That is how important it is.

JenaiMorris Sat 27-Jul-13 10:50:06

I would worry that the toddler would try to climb out, or sit on the edge of the door or something if he wasn't strapped in - it's not entirely bonkers to imagine this happening.

I still want to know why the husband would be so angry though - does your dad have form for doing things which actually are quite dangerous, or is your husband generally so unreasonable, OP?

Tryharder Sat 27-Jul-13 11:20:53

I don't think posters have been unnecessarily unkind. This is AIBU after all. If the OP wanted lots of people oohing and aahing in sympathy and agreement, she should have posted elsewhere.

The OP asked if she were being unreasonable and the general consensus was that she was. I personally think she should apologise to her Dad for making him promise like he was aged 3.

The issue of risk is inherent in everything we do. Yes, the OP's Dad may have had a heart attack whilst driving the 10 mins to the garage in first gear. The car may have crashed and the impact possibly would cause the child to have bumped his head because he was not belted. But what if the car caught fire and the child was unable to unbuckle his belt and climb out whereas he may have been able to escape if he was unrestrained....... I could go on!

Quite equally what if someone has a heart attack in their car whilst you are walking down the street and they crash into you? Or a plane in the sky exploded and the flaming debris landed on your head....etc etc etc

Turniptwirl Sat 27-Jul-13 11:25:25

Yabvvvu totally OTT and über pfb

MorganMummy Sat 27-Jul-13 12:42:33

Wow! I really thought this wasn't interesting or controversial enough for many responses! Thank you and thanks especially to the kind ones (whether thinking IWBU or not) - I did say I thought I was possibly BU so I think some are rather OTT in their rudeness. I've never asked on MN before, think it may be too hot for me to handle.

Thanks to greenhill, who hit it on the head: I don't expect to have another child and am aware that I can be PFB.

Just to clear a few things up:

I didn't shout or raise my voice to my dad at all. I appreciate that I was probably OTT but I do think I can say how I think my DS should be looked after and I was very surprised by what had happened.

I said my dad might have a heart attack - not rude,I said to him as in my post that it was a minuscule chance. I might have a heart attack. That's why DS is always strapped uneven if I'm just reversing in our drive.

I am an anxious person - since I've been worried I may have BU for several days and thinking about my parents' feelings you may have noticed that. It makes me an excellent teacher and mother who is a safe pair of hands (and who forces myself to stand back and let DS take risks on climbing frames etc and in this case wasn't sure how risky it was), so I don't feel bad about it, luckily.

Finally, DH is absolutely gentle and lovely and his being furious would if anything result in a shortness with my parents next time he saw them that they would probably pick up on and be upset by. They don't like feeling at all criticised by non-family members. They are very clannish and what they don't mind from me they would mind from him, I think that's fairly normal in PIL relationships, though, but perhaps not.

Anyway, thank you again. I don't think there's any need to mean but I am probably too sensitive for here, lesson learned! I am slowly coming out of my PFB-baby-haze and I do appreciate my parents for all they have done for me and my son, that should be made clear. BTW, I was never allowed to ice skate as a child, in case I fell and my fingers were sliced off. The person who decided that was my dad. However, I was allowed to go skiing even though in many ways it is a lot more dangerous. So I think my dad also has his different risk assessments and I think he'll forgive his very own PFB! smile

Wuldric Sat 27-Jul-13 12:45:06

Glad you came back smile

smile

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Jul-13 12:57:02

So, you're not a bonkers/strange/crazy/paranoid/ridiculous lunatic then OP? Just a bit anxious about your little 2 YO, an anxiety that was probably helped on a lot by your Dad. (my friend had her and run over ice skating, it just cut them rather than cut them off).

I'm sure your Dad's pleased to a certain extent that you take looking after your DS seriously, much worse to be the other end of the scale.

Everyone has times when they're not sure about how to change the age appropriate risk assessment you have to do before letting your DC do stuff. DD1's 12 and it's just as hard making the change between them being a small child and becoming a young adult. Possibly worse because they're out without you and you know they've shown sometimes to have only retained a fraction of the common sense they were born with grin

mejypoo Sat 27-Jul-13 12:57:57

I think you need to get a grip.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 27-Jul-13 13:30:56

OP, my mum refused to let me go ice skating for the very same reason! Don't hear about ice rinks littered with amputated digits, mind.

Thanks for coming back

poachedeggs Sat 27-Jul-13 13:33:46

OP, MN is mostly lovely but AIBU is a bear pit. Just for future reference - don't be scared off! smile

tilbatilba Sat 27-Jul-13 13:43:25

Sorry, bonkers

lborolass Sat 27-Jul-13 13:54:48

Bit late to this as the OP has already returned but do people really put their seatbelts on to drive in and out of the garage?

That's something I find unbelievable, do you really assess this as a risky activity?

NoComet Sat 27-Jul-13 13:57:25

I'm generally very laid back and would have worried about the car at all.

But, I do find excuses to avoid DD1 ice skating, she is hopeless and falls over a lot.

She is 15, if she breaks her wrist it won't easily grow straight again like her sisters fortunatly has.

(DD2 was 7 and the consultant rechecked that fact about 5 times when deciding not to break it again).

NoComet Sat 27-Jul-13 13:58:43

Wouldn't have worried.

Cabrinha Sat 27-Jul-13 13:59:38

I don't think I'm PFB and I certainly wouldn't be angry - but I asked MIL to stop letting my 4yo unclip once on drive.
It wasn't about the risk there and then, but because I'm trying to drum seatbelts into my child. I want her to feel something is missing if it's not done up, and always speak up.
I have, very occasionally, not done up her belt and it's great that she reminds me.
So I'm all for asking him not to, but not in anger.

Fourwillies Sat 27-Jul-13 14:00:10
monkeymamma Sat 27-Jul-13 14:44:46

Bless you OP for taking on board everyone's comments, you sound a lot like me in many ways :-) but I am very anxious in general. Re your comment about the ice skating, think my parents had a similar issue but my big sis took me to the ice rink when I was 12, it was awesome. I think it just goes to show that as parents we all have different risk assessments, not always necessarily robotically accurate...

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 14:46:46

"That's something I find unbelievable, do you really assess this as a risky activity?"

I think it's just a habit for a lot of people-not that they have sat & weighed up the risks before making a decision.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Jul-13 14:51:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theexisapsychocunt Sat 27-Jul-13 15:06:51

Morgans mummy

AiBU is a baptism of fire - you've had a potentially abusive husband, PFB, your sanity questioned and taken a pasting on the chin.

You do well Here just stick to the safer boards for a while.

exoticfruits Sat 27-Jul-13 15:32:29

Nice to have an OP who comes back and takes it on board! Well done.

mathanxiety Sun 28-Jul-13 05:29:59

How can a gentle and lovely person become furious to the point where knowledge of his fury would make you think twice about telling him something?

DH is absolutely gentle and lovely and his being furious would if anything result in a shortness with my parents next time he saw them that they would probably pick up on and be upset by.

Does he sulk then? People who fume silently are not easy to live with.

I think that the risk in this case was so miniscule that it really isn't an issue, for me the only possible reason to worry about it, would be the whole "always wearing a seltbelt" thing that can be hard to get into children's heads. I don't know whether anyone else has ever driven somewhere and then realised that they did not in fact buckle their DC in their car seat, but I have blush. Drumming it into a young child that you NEVER go anywhere without a seatbelt is actually quite important. Now my 4yo DD shouts at me if I try to reverse off my drive before putting my own seatbelt on. grin
Basically, OP, I think you were being a bit extreme to go on about having a heart attack, but you could have had a genuine grievance over the same thing.

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 07:27:26

The aim is to get children to risk assess for themselves and not blindly follow rules without thought. Of course you shouldn't undo the belt as you turn into your own street, most accidents happen near the home, but if you go out onto your drive, specifically to move your car a few metres into the garage, then you do not put on a seat belt because you are in first gear and hardly moving.

Agree in the long term exotic, but OPs DC is only 2yo.

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 07:35:52

Therefore at 2 years old you are the one to strap them into the car seat and if they are going out of the drive it will be done so I can't see the problem. Grandad would have strapped him in had they been driving anywhere.

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 07:38:49

I believe in children doing as you do and not as you say. Had her father asked her to put the car away would she have put the seat belt on? I doubt it.

MadeOfStarDust Sun 28-Jul-13 07:57:16

but - the intention was specifically to drive very slowly a short distance into the garage -

has no one on here ever mistakenly put their car into reverse instead of forwards, lurched off a touch too fast, knocked into a wall (however slowly it can bloody shock you), touched the accelerator instead of the brake.

Nobody intends to do it.... but I do remember from past threads on driving that it is all too common. Some of us would put the seatbelt on to move the car anywhere.

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 08:00:27

In that case every adult should be putting on their seat belt to go into the garage- personally I have always got my car into the garage perfectly safely - without any of the above.

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 08:02:17

I would agree that if you put it on to go in the garage then the child should copy. I can't see why they should if you don't- grandad clearly never does.

Goldmandra Sun 28-Jul-13 08:21:03

The speed involved in such an event wouldn't be enough to cause the child serious injury. It would be the same as if he were riding a push-along toy and hit a wall.

If you are sure that an airbag couldn't go off there is no reason to be concerned. In fact the child is safer in the car without a seatbelt than outside the car while it is moving around. I don't know for sure if there is a minimum speed and what cars it applies to so I don't take the risk.

Two year olds can and do risk learn to risk assess for themselves. It's a really useful skill which they are capable of using at a certain level. They do, of course, need an adult to monitor and manage the situation too and to lead by example - the best way to teach IMO.

diddl Sun 28-Jul-13 08:22:56

I don't get why an adult wouldn't strap a child in-even if they choose not to strap themselves in.

I'd be more thinking of the child climbing than an accident, though.

Loveitall Sun 28-Jul-13 08:24:17

Just reading through this thread and I have to ask....what does pfb stand for ?

Goldmandra Sun 28-Jul-13 08:26:27

Precious First Born

Goldmandra Sun 28-Jul-13 08:27:23

Or Precious First Baby

Loveitall Sun 28-Jul-13 08:40:59

Aaahhh, thanking you x

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 08:46:24

They are moving all of about 100m at snail's pace!
Do people know what risks they run driving into a garage- hitting the accelerator and crashing into the back wall-going into reverse and hurtling backwards?

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 08:49:19

It takes me a matter of seconds- if the 2year old isn't sitting still I wouldn't move- they would have to be a quick climber. Also since you are hardly moving you just immediately stop the car and grab them.

MadeOfStarDust Sun 28-Jul-13 08:52:29

nicely PA exotic <yawn>

MadeOfStarDust Sun 28-Jul-13 08:53:00

that was to the "Do people know" post

exoticfruits Sun 28-Jul-13 08:57:03

When you leave DCs with grandparents you can't control- you are not there. You either have to trust or not leave them.

Are you being serious? Completely over the top hmm

JenaiMorris Sun 28-Jul-13 10:42:39

MadeOfStarDust in 15+ years of driving I have never done any of those things. I can't believe people hit the accelerator instead of the brake, or go into reverse rather than first, on a regular basis. Anyone who does really ought to avoid driving

OK, really wasn't going to post this anecdote but in light of Jenai's post I just had to. The other day, in the Supermarket carpark, an elderly lady hit the accelerator by mistake, took out two "crash barrier posts things", the bench and knocked it straight through the very flimsy wall into the cafe, knocking over a table and chairs! Fortunately no-one was hurt, but while the chances are remote, these things do happen. wink Still think the OP was a bit ott though.

MorganMummy Sun 28-Jul-13 14:24:14

mathanxiety you will just have to take my word for it that my DH is in fact gentle and lovely, since I know him and you do not. I meant that he would be annoyed at what he would also see as a risk. We are both over-protective of our DS, probably. After thinking you won't have a child for 7 years and much heartache you are not always entirely blasé and completely neutral when assessing risk.

I would put my seatbelt on to drive my dad's car, or my own, even into the garage - for me it's automatic and I wouldn't drive my day's car anyway as I am not insured to do so and it's too shiny and scratch-free!

I have spoken to my dad and apologised and he said he would never do anything to endanger DS. We just had a difference of opinion on what constituted an acceptable risk here (his car does have airbags and I am rather conscious of their dangers, being a shorty, though I was unaware of how much speed a car could or couldn't pick up going into a garage so was overestimating that risk).

Thanks to the encouragement and kind posts after I came back yesterday. Won't post again and hope this thread dies as I have admitted IWBU and think the situation is resolved, but I wanted to correct mathanxiety's assumption about my DH as I shouldn't have brought him into this and the love and kindness he has towards me and DS is a huge blessing in my life which I feel uncomfortable about being questioned about.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Sun 28-Jul-13 14:30:13

I can understand it though, I am ridiculously PFB about LittleDog. I won't take him to beach by myself, just in case the stupidly tiny chance of him being dognapped by a dogfighting gang comes true. I know this is irredeemably OTT of me, but I have nightmares about it happening.

I think we should all be very grateful that I'm past having babies. I'd be a bloody nightmare, and all over these pages asking stupid questions. blush

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 15:46:21

<pats Sarah in comforting doggyesque manner>>

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Sun 28-Jul-13 15:54:13

You understand, don't you Pag? Please tell me you do. Lie if necessary.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 15:59:00

I do <nods furiously >

I have spent months saying to builders 'I know you are worried that I have locked the front gates and you can't get out but if several doors were all inadvertently left open at the same time and PenisDog suddenly woke up and had an urgent desire to run, he could run on to the street and be crushed by a bus.^it could happen^ no, I am not batty.'

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:00:04

It affects the weight of my understanding that I can't do italics, doesn't it?

valiumredhead Sun 28-Jul-13 16:00:40

Yabu grin

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Sun 28-Jul-13 16:04:15

Not at all, Pag dulling, I totally understand. It's a heavy burden of responsibility, having Beloved Dogs. smile

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:06:52

It is. It really is.

I wouldn't have pulled a plastic bag out of the arse of any of my children. They would have been on their own.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Sun 28-Jul-13 16:09:25

grin

I'd forgotten about that.

<whispers>

Actually, LittleDog isn't a dog at all, he's a dooman.

<shuffles off, embarrassed>

yabyum Sun 28-Jul-13 16:12:41

I'm still laughing at 'Ford Zeffa'.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:13:45

grin

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 16:33:06

YANBU but then I am obsessed with car seat safety tbh.

Let it go for now. Hopefully you have made your point but if he does anything like it again then you should go mad.

I am still shock that my neighbour drove down the road with his child in the boot.

AgentZigzag Sun 28-Jul-13 16:57:46

Have to ask MissS, why in the boot??

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 17:37:55

It looked like he was showing off but the kid nearly fell out shock.

He also liked to roar around with a kid on the back of his bike - no helmet.

He now has a much younger girlfriend and roars off in his jag at 3am. Maybe showing off to her? Next time he will feel the force of my yelling at him. It is bad enough when he revs the engine in the day for 15 minutes but at 3 in the fucking morning I was not impressed. He drives like a twat, really really fast and we live on a close so it is only a matter of time before he crashes the damn thing.

mathanxiety Mon 29-Jul-13 01:36:52

I can't discuss with my DH as he would be furious and I don't want to put his relationship with his PIL under strain.

...
DH is absolutely gentle and lovely and his being furious would if anything result in a shortness with my parents next time he saw them that they would probably pick up on and be upset by.

...

Thank you for your reassurance, but 'furious' has a specific meaning in English, as does the suggestion that this incident would put his relationship with the PILS 'under strain', and 'being short' with people but not letting them know directly what he was angry about (so they would pick up on it but not be told directly) also describes specific scenarios that are a far cry from being gentle, nice, etc. Not being able to discuss something with a DH who would be furious if her knew means something specific too. What it doesn't mean is 'gentle and lovely'.

If none of this means what it looks like it means in English then I am a bit puzzled as to your choice of words.

I am taking your word for what your H is like. Trouble is your word apparently doesn't mean what is means in the OEDictionary.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Mon 29-Jul-13 01:46:32

You can be furious about something, and quietly seethe. That's how I read it, that the OP's DH would be furious, but wouldn't say anything, just seethe quietly to himself, and the PILs would pick up on that.

mathanxiety Mon 29-Jul-13 13:50:55

It's passive aggressive. You sit there quietly grinding your teeth or tightening your jaw and throwing dirty looks at people, and they have to guess what they've done wrong.

Quiet seething is what makes others walk around on eggshells.

mathanxiety Mon 29-Jul-13 13:52:00

And it inhibits your nearest and dearest from telling you things because the quiet seething always carries with it the promise of less quiet fury.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Mon 29-Jul-13 14:02:04

Not all of us are very good at expressing ourselves, it depends how you've been brought up. There is absolutely no way I could challenge anyone in my family, or tell them I'm upset, so I would quietly seethe. It's not passive aggressive, it's simply that not all of us are able to do so.

Goldmandra Mon 29-Jul-13 14:25:05

Gosh. I don't think there's anything about checking the OED definition before using a word, is there?

I completely get being furious but having to seethe instead of saying anything. My DM doles out hellfire and damnation to anyone who crosses her so I learned to seethe quietly very early on. It is most definitely not being passive aggressive.

I get what the OP means. He DH would be angry with her DF but it wouldn't be appropriate for him to raise the issue himself. She doesn't want to put a strain on the relationship between them. That's reasonable.

mathanxiety Tue 30-Jul-13 01:05:16

This man would be furious if told some things.
Therefore he can't be told.
When he gets furious he seethes but people have to guess what he is mad about.

These are three things the OP told us about this man herself.

Either she means something completely different from the standard meaning by the words she uses or she simply doesn't want to discuss what a 'difficult' man her H is. Her choice of course, but this man doesn't sound too easygoing to me.

I don't think what she describes is reasonable. What she has described is walking on eggshells. She doesn't tell him things in order to control his mood. When people do that there is tension and anxiety. My guess is she went ott at her DF so that he wouldn't do anything like what he did ever again and so she wouldn't have to explain it to her lovely, gentle DH.

It is worth mentioning that someone who is abusive often tries to create a wedge between a spouse and his or her natural allies such as family members. If a DH can't be told things about what a FIL has done for fear of fury/sulking/seething then the daughter/wife sort of has to choose between her family and the DH.

Reference to the OED was flippant btw.

Cheeseatmidnight Tue 30-Jul-13 01:13:15

Don't you push the buggy faster than this in main roads!?!

ilovesooty Tue 30-Jul-13 01:14:44

I am taking your word for what your H is like

It doesn't look like it from what I'm reading. The OP has said she's uncomfortable with what you're saying.

mathanxiety Tue 30-Jul-13 01:56:26

Her word -- her words -- were what I was going on. The words she said before anyone started noticing what she was saying. I noted her discomfort and effort to smooth it all away too.

I wouldn't have been comfortable talking about exH's temper about 18 years ago but it didn't go away and trying to keep him sweet turned out a fool's errand.

But heyho.

everlong Tue 30-Jul-13 02:18:28

There's some worrying stuff on here.

Mouthfulofquiz Tue 30-Jul-13 06:04:37

YABU

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