Was this really inconsiderate?

(123 Posts)

We've just come back to the UK for a holiday. We spent a few days at my FILs house and then a week at my Mum and Dads.

During that week we've been out and about meeting and catching up with friends and so have been out a lot. The washing machine has been on every day at Mums insistence and as I've been out she's done my ironing. I would have quite happily done it when I could fit it in.

Every morning they've been up 'looking' after the three kids. They didn't have to, the kids are quite happy to get their own breakfast bars and juice and play quietly. One gets up around 7am, the other 8am and the third we usually wake when we get up. I haven't asked them to so any of this and they have made no comment. We've been waking at any where between 8am and 9am.

We are of for a week to see other relatives and got up this morning and got ready quietly and left early, leaving them to sleep so we could get on the road as it is going to be a 6-7 hour journey. We got about 3/4 hour away and I had a face book message to return immediately as mum is having a panic attack because we had left with out saying goodbye. When I phoned to say where we were I got a mouthful to say how inconsiderate we were to leave with out saying goodbye and they had looked after our kids for us and ironed and done all sorts for us.

We've eaten out most days and I've done a top up shop for them. I got them an orchid and wine to say thank you.

We've just had to drive 3/4 of an hour back to say goodbye. I was going to ring when we stopped and when we got there. We will see them in a weeks time.

We're we inconsiderate?


Did they know you were going to go then? Had you had a big ceremonial goodbye the night before?

By leaving like that you treated them like a hotel.

Latemates Fri 26-Jul-13 08:25:10

are you going back to theirs after seeing other relations?

mrsravelstein Fri 26-Jul-13 08:25:17

it's quite odd to leave without saying goodbye, yes. did they know you were leaving or did they just wake up and find you gone?

magimedi Fri 26-Jul-13 08:25:39

Inconsiderate if you did not say 'goodbye' last night & make them aware thatyou were going to slip off early.

But having a panic attack over this is a massive over reaction & making you drive back is crazy.

SixFeetUnder Fri 26-Jul-13 08:27:34

Did you say anything last night about leaving early this morning so you'll say your goodbyes to avoid having to wake them? If not then I think it was inconsiderate and they probably did feel put out that you'd left without even a mention.

Sirzy Fri 26-Jul-13 08:27:52

Did you not say goodbye last night and let them know your plans? I think if you didn't then yes it was inconsiderate.

LittleMissGerardButlerfan Fri 26-Jul-13 08:28:25

Depends if you said goodbye the night before. If you didn't even say goodbye and they weren't expecting you to be gone when they got up then I think it is inconsiderate.

Roshbegosh Fri 26-Jul-13 08:28:33

You should have said goodbye properly, and even a THANK YOU. You do sound unappreciative even if you didn't ask them to iron, wash etc. it was kind of them.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 26-Jul-13 08:28:46

Yes you were inconsiderate. Driving back is an over-reaction though, a big apology over the phone then flowers/wine on your return would be nice.

redskyatnight Fri 26-Jul-13 08:29:13

Yes, it would have been normal to say goodbye. Did you say you were going early and say goodby the night before? Otherwise I can see that just waking up and finding you gone would have been very upsetting.

I am sure your mum and dad didn't mind doing all those things for you - just by your going in the way you did they are feeling used and taken for granted.

ArabellaBeaumaris Fri 26-Jul-13 08:29:32

If they weren't aware you were leaving first thing then if was inconsiderate. However panic attacks & having to return to say goodbye is a unnecessary.

When we see them in a weeks time we will have ten days between FIL and Mums and will be able to spend a bit more quality time with them as everyone has now seen us bar three people and they will be evening things.

Roshbegosh Fri 26-Jul-13 08:30:53

Since you didn't say goodbye or thank you (other than leaving an orchid) you also should add SORRY

saintmerryweather Fri 26-Jul-13 08:31:03

you were rude to leave without saying thank you and goodbye, not just inconsiderate

AlicesNextDoorNeighbour Fri 26-Jul-13 08:31:38

You are incredibly inconsiderate not to say goodbye! How strange.

Agree with others that if there was no goodbye done last night it was a bit rude to slip off like that.

However I would still not have driven back after the phone call just to say goodbye then leave again.

NatashaBee Fri 26-Jul-13 08:33:49

If you knew you'd be going early, you should have done your goodbyes the night before. I think most people would be offended if you didn't.

sppp Fri 26-Jul-13 08:37:46

As long as they knew you would be going early in the morning then I think it was fine. Had you discussed it the night before?

These people are your PARENTS, you are still their daughter. My parents would have been fine with this.

You are going back to spend more time with them next week. It's not as if you won't see them for 3 years.

I accept that I would not have treated friends, or say, an aunt like this if I had been staying in their house, but I would have done the same in your situation.

Oops! Seems we were then.

We said we were leaving early because of the traffic and we thought they would have woken as everyone had their shower and got dressed and we stripped the beds and packed the last of our bigs. Mums a very light sleeper and wakes at the drop of a pin and as they hadnt woken then we thought we should leave them to sleep. We'd said thank you last night and left a note.

When we got back Mum said we should have knocked on the door and said bye. They thought early was 9am. Though they have been nagging us for years that if you are going on a trip then you need to hat up and go early and beat the traffic and they know we have been doing that the last couple of years. Traffic is already building up and it's not 9am yet.

So a big sorry and a pressie when we get back then.

Wowserz129 Fri 26-Jul-13 08:45:05

This whole post smacks of being inconsiderate.

Supersesame Fri 26-Jul-13 08:45:24

I would find an orchid and wine a crappy gift for a weeks stay.
The top up shop is only replacing what you've used (one would hope, at the very leaat)
Did you buy them a meal out or anything?
I think they might be feeling used and hotel like.

Supersesame Fri 26-Jul-13 08:45:53

I would find an orchid and wine a crappy gift for a weeks stay.
The top up shop is only replacing what you've used (one would hope, at the very leaat)
Did you buy them a meal out or anything?
I think they might be feeling used and hotel like.

My FIL would have laid into us if we had woken him.

But I accept it is inconsiderate, thank you for your input folks.

vvviola Fri 26-Jul-13 08:50:07

My MIL does this every single time she stays. We have at least persuaded her to say goodbye to the DC the night before (although DD2 is not even 2 yet & doesn't get it so spends an hour or so the next morning wandering about looking confused). Frustratingly she must set her alarm to go off at about 5am, because DD2 wakes before 6 most mornings and MIL is always gone.

Thing is, even though she does say goodbye, and does it every time for a number of totally daft reasons, it still makes me wonder if she just can't wait to get away, or hates us, or considers us a hotel. When you've been hosting someone, no matter how close family they are, they really shouldn't sneak away early unless there's an early flight etc involved.

They sent you a FACEBOOK message demanding that you come back? That's bloody weird. Could they not have phoned or texted?

sweetsummerlove Fri 26-Jul-13 08:51:38

So because you didn't specifically ask them to do any of the favours they did for you, you didn't even bother to say thank you? Yes. You used their house like a hotel and are very rude to have not said a proper goodbye let alone a thank you.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 26-Jul-13 08:55:10

I think probably you should have said bye properly, but I do wonder if your mum has martyr tendencies? I can not abide when people do loads of stuff they are not asked to do then demand extra special thanks.

Is your mum a bit of a pain like this generally? Because it is a bit foot stampy to make you drive back - if she was annoyed she could have just said that but to demand you drive back sounds like manipulation to me.

NotYoMomma Fri 26-Jul-13 08:55:18

I would be foaming with you,

you were totally rude! Very inconsiderate and bloody ignorant

Yep a Facebook message. Phone calls to mobiles are expensive and I always have my phone by me. Though they were lucky as I realised that it was still in my bag on silenent and I had just got it out and turned it in.

Yes, we did say thank you during the week lots of times and when we gave them the wine and flower.

swish you have it in one. That is exactly it.

cornyblend37 Fri 26-Jul-13 09:02:47

facebook?? that's just bizarre. Didn't she try to text you at least?

I also agree that your mum sounds like a bit of a martyr.

Longdistance Fri 26-Jul-13 09:05:01

Bloody hell. That was really rude.

No, they didn't need to have the kids, or iron the clothes, but that was really rude, and I'm not surprised your dm was panicking, she might have thought she'd done something wrong that you had to sneak out.

My dh's family are rude, they don't walk each other out to the door, which to me is rude, and this is the way I've been brought up. He thinks nothing of it, not to walk someone out of our home.

You should have just knocked for your dm, and told her you were off, instead of sneaking out.

Naughty you op. You'll be in your dm's bad books for a while. Just imagine if that was our dc, and how you'd feel? She's still dm, and is allowed to worry.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 26-Jul-13 09:08:07

Sorry, I see it is your inlaws.

So your fil would have got angry if you had woken him, but your mil is angry you didn't. Are they angry with you or their own child?

I would pass this to your DH to deal with, they are his parents, surely he knows how big a gift they require. And he should be telling them about travel plans. Don't get sucked in.

WeAreEternal Fri 26-Jul-13 09:09:31

I would have done exactly the same in your position, I hate waking my mum up unless I have to as she is a very light sleeper, so I wouldn't have woken them up.

I would have made it clear last night what the plan was and said our goodbyes and thank you's before we went to bed.

I certainly wouldn't have come back when we were already 3/4 hours away just to say goodbye again. That's just madness.

I think you just got crossed wires.

dubstarr73 Fri 26-Jul-13 09:09:40

No i hate people who do stuff for you without asking and and throw it back in your face.
So they got up with the grandkids,im sure when they go to yours you look after them.Whats the difference.

They knew you were going early so if they wanted to say goodbye they should have set their alarm.
And facebook message is pretty weird.
I wouldnt have driven back to say goodbye.

ginnybag Fri 26-Jul-13 09:11:35

How old are your kids, OP?

Because whether you think someone's ungrateful or rude or whatever, putting an extra hour and a half on an already 6-7 hour drive, just because you want a 'proper' goodbye is actually, possibly, more out of order than anything the OP's done.

And if there are young children involve it really is!

The normal conversation here would have been:

Mum: You've gone! Couldn't you have woken us?
OP: Shit, sorry, mum, thought we made it clear we were going early!
Mum: No, not really.
OP: Oh, sorry! Listen, though, thanks for everything this week - it's been great. See you next week? We'll take you and Dad out for a meal to say thanks properly
Mum: Well, thanks, love. Have a safe trip...

Not bloody panic attacks and turning round....

There's drama-llama tendencies there, and that does make me doubt the rest of it!

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 26-Jul-13 09:11:52

Everyone is having a go at you op but they are not your parents. Your DH needs to manage this problem relationship.

I don't think you were rude as it is not your job. Possibly your DH was rude but he is their child, he knows how they work and how much grovelling is required. Personally it looks like you are being scapegoated here.

WeAreEternal Fri 26-Jul-13 09:12:04

You are only inconsiderate if you didn't say thank you to them. But it sounds like you did.

Khaleasy Fri 26-Jul-13 09:14:11

YABU - for all the reasons everyone else has pointed out.

topsmart Fri 26-Jul-13 09:16:58

I don't think you were inconsiderate at all!
They're your parents, you shouldn't need to thank them for every little thing they do - And anyway it sounds like you did say thanks and you did tell them your plans. Your mum sounds like a right martyr, if you'll forgive me saying so. Good grief.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 26-Jul-13 09:21:13


Although IMO no one was rude really.

whois Fri 26-Jul-13 09:22:25

I don't think OP was U! You said you were leaving early and left a note. ginnybag posts how most parents would have handlers the situation. Having a 'panic attack' sending a FB message and making you drive back are all really shitty and U.

Goooooooooooooooooooooood Fri 26-Jul-13 09:25:13

I think they sound weird. They could have been a bit dissapointed but to demand you drive back was WEIRD! However, that is nowhere near as weird as you actually driving back 3-4 hours? That is really,really weird Why would anyone do that? Especially as you had the three kids in the car.
I think it depends on how your family normally handles things. I expect most family may have a moan or an argument about this but not do the whole adding another 4 hours onto the drive.
If I had done it and my Mum and Dad had thought it rude they would have keptitto themselves as they would have rightly assumed I had not meant to be rude. IYSWIM

So, you will have done a 12 - 15 hour car journey by the end of your trip. That is crazy. shock

nobeer Fri 26-Jul-13 09:25:43

Would your mum have been annoyed if you'd woken her up before going? Maybe you wouldn't have done the right thing whatever the situation. But you know your family dynamics better than us!

FWIW I don't think you were inconsiderate, you'd left a present and a note and you're going to see them again in a few days when you can take them out for a nice meal!

It's my parents swish. I just mentioned that it was my FIL he would throw a fit if we woke him.

The kids were in tears when we got back to her as they thought they had done something wrong. They are 5, 7 and 10.

Mum always leaves as early as we did when they do the journey every six weeks or so to see my Nan.

It's a holiday destination and the traffic is building up and is horrendous, especial as this is the first holiday weekend.

Goooooooooooooooooooooood Fri 26-Jul-13 09:28:02

Oooops, I read it as 3 - 4 hours away NOT 3/4 hour away. Still crazy but not quite as bad as I though.

Goooooooooooooooooooooood Fri 26-Jul-13 09:28:59

I would stay in a hotel next year smile

Cravey Fri 26-Jul-13 09:31:50

You let your mum do your washing, ironing and most of the early morning childcare, then left without saying goodbye. Ywu and rude. Sorry.

Ipp3 Fri 26-Jul-13 09:33:06

If they knew you were leaving I don't think it is inconsiderate. Personally I would hate to be woken just for so eoneto say goodbye when I already knew they were going!

CinnabarRed Fri 26-Jul-13 09:34:21

No, it was the OP's parents (I think).

I think her comment that FIL would have hated to have been woken in the same circs was to make the point that different families have different views on what is and isn't OK.

FWIW, I think you were mildly U not to say goodbye, and your mother was VU to demand your return.

LOL no worries goooooooood

I think a hotel might be the way to go next year as we will be home for longer.

They came to visit us this year and this is our first visit back for a year so we had lots of people wanting a bit of us and a family christening on DH's side.

I know of her drama lama tendencies so should have second guessed her.

IsleOfIslay Fri 26-Jul-13 09:57:55

If you told your M+D you were leaving early and said your goodbyes last night I don't think it is BU. however of they were expecting to see you in the morning for finally goodbyes it is VU. Big bunch of flowered deliver to M+Ds house I thinks smile

dollywobbles Fri 26-Jul-13 10:01:14

I got them an orchid and wine to say thank you.

I don't know why, but this made me laugh! It is a bit shoddy.

I get my parents better gifts after a week in their caravan (when they're not even there).

Very envious of the fact that you have parents who'll get up with your kids, by the way.

ovenbun Fri 26-Jul-13 10:16:20

Although their reaction is a little OTT you were very inconsiderate,
to be honest when you are staying in someone elses house I think it is only polite to get up and supervise your children, (whether you do so at home or not) ...also would be polite to take them out for a lovely meal, or a really nice day out with the grandchildren...afterall many of your friends may want to see you but they are being very kind to host you...It sounds like they haven't seen you for months...it would have been kind to say goodbye. Saying that it is your first visit back so hopefully in time you will learn ways that work for all of you.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 26-Jul-13 10:28:47

Ooh, sorry, I got really confused by your later message!

Better retract all my rants! blush

I was trying to get all the friends out the way so we had ten days free to see and do things with my parents and DH father and his Gran.

We are off for a week to see my Nan and relatives down in Cornwal ( have booked a holiday home) and then when that he over on Friday we are driving straight over to Essex to see other relatives and friends for three days before coming back to stay at FILs house where we will be able to divide the time between the two of them.

They don't get up specially for my kids according to them when I spoke to them during the week, they are awake at that 6.30-7am anyway. My lot know how to get themselves breakfast and to play quietly.

We saw them when they came to us in March.

Oh! And we Skype every week.

We had made plans for doing things next week with them that they were happy about.

Anyway it seems the majority think we were inconsiderate so I will except that and try to be a better daughter in future.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 26-Jul-13 10:40:05

Ranty - you're a fine daughter just how you are, don't beat yourself up.

primallass Fri 26-Jul-13 10:42:40

to be honest when you are staying in someone elses house I think it is only polite to get up and supervise your children, (whether you do so at home or not)

Really? Crikey my/our relationship with both sets of parents is not like that at all. If we are staying with either set they tell us to stay in bed because we are up with them every other day of the year. I don't feel that I have to follow etiquette rules when I am at my mum's house, but we are very close.

level3at6months Fri 26-Jul-13 10:46:14

I'm going to go against the general consensus here and say no, don't think you we're being especially rude. You're back there in a week, they knew you were leaving, really don't see the problem.

MaxPepsi Fri 26-Jul-13 10:47:56

I don't think you were inconsiderate or unreasonable at all.

Everyone's families are different. My mum would have made sure she was up no matter what time we were leaving and got my dad out of bed to say bye to us. She would also have made sure I had a picnic for the journey and that I had everything I needed.

DH's parents on the other hand, well, they probabaly wouldn't have been able to put us up in the first place grin

Enjoy the rest of your visits Ranty and make sure you wake her up next time!!

charlottehere Fri 26-Jul-13 10:49:18

Ofgs of course you weren't being inconsiderate, the opposite. And to throw back we dd ths that and other is out f order. hmm

charlottehere Fri 26-Jul-13 10:49:38


charlottehere Fri 26-Jul-13 10:50:57

Oh and families do things for each other, no?

DumSpiroSpero Fri 26-Jul-13 10:51:42

I think you were inconsiderate, not necessarily about what they did while you were there (my parents or IL's would do the same for us, although thankfully we live near enough that we don't generally stay overnight with them), but about leaving without saying goodbye or at least telling them exactly what your plans were.

Equally I think your mum 'having a panic attack' and insisting you turn round was way OTT.

Tbh in theory I could imagine this sort of thing happening with my mum, except I'd know better than to sneak out without telling her - even in my twenties when I lived at home and went out clubbing she liked me to wake her at 3am so she knew I was home safely hmm.

Perhaps a bit more communication next time would help.

dollywobbles Fri 26-Jul-13 10:57:07

Oh and families do things for each other, no?

Not all families, no sad. It's lovely that so many do though. Not at all bitter that no one in either mine or DH's family has ever looked after DS, apart from one hour so I could go to a funeral.

Sounds like OP isn't ungrateful though, she's just got a tricky Mum!

phantomnamechanger Fri 26-Jul-13 10:57:43

prima - mine would too BUT the OPs parents didn't offer to get up with the kids, or suggest they had a lie in, they felt duty bound to get up and supervise the DC - because their own parents were not. They probably felt miffed that the parents did not take the hint, and left them to do it every day! On top off all the extra work this is a bit cheeky IMO.
How old are the DC? maybe the GPs were worried about the kids making a mess or hurting themselves trying to get what they needed.

anyway, YABU to leave without saying bye properly and TABU to insist on you driving back when you already have a long journey ahead

Thanks all. For helping me get a better perspective on this.

Right just a out to cross the Devon border and the Internet will probably go on my phone.

charlottehere Fri 26-Jul-13 10:59:42

Sorry dolly I know but they should if possible.

EldritchCleavage Fri 26-Jul-13 11:00:07

Well, yes inconsiderate but there is NO WAY DH and I would have driven back just to say goodbye. That bit's barking, and very martyr-ish of your mother. More unreasonable,in fact, than your decision not to wake them.

Mimishimi Fri 26-Jul-13 11:00:44

Wow, you come back (presumably from overseas) for a holiday, spend your time out and about visiting other friends when you are actually at your Mum and Dad's and then dump the kids on them for a week to nick off and see other family? I'm sure they feel really, really important shock.

Not dumping the kids on them at all. The kids are coming with us to visit relations down here.

We've met two nephews this week that we had t seen and we will meet a neice this week who we have t met before.

I've agreed that we may have been a gadget unreasonable so I think it's time to stop battering me over the head with it.

primallass Fri 26-Jul-13 11:19:30

Actually, having had parents who lived overseas, I guess your Mum treasures every minute and that is maybe why she reacted so strangely. It really does change the relationship when every minute is 'quality time'. I hated saying goodbye however, and once cried for 1.5 hours on the flight home sad.

Mimishimi Fri 26-Jul-13 11:21:53

Oh ok, from the first post, it sounded like you left without saying goodbye to the kids. Then YANBU at all actually, especially if you'd informed them of an early start. I would have apologised for offending her but would not have turned back.

jollygoose Fri 26-Jul-13 11:26:23

yes it was very inconsiderate, I would have been terribly upset us gps expect to huig and kiss our dgc goodbye (those that will let us) she shouldnt have expected you to drive back though thats daft.

I was first to reply and have now caught up.

I can see why you wouldn't have wanted to wake them, and why they expected you would.

We once left my grandpa's house at 5am to catch a flight. There was absolutely no way we wanted to wake him, or that he wanted to be woken at that time either!

Anyway, you'll know for next time.

CinnabarRed Fri 26-Jul-13 12:21:38

I'm really sorry that the experience left your children in tears - that's really sad.

cheeseandpineapple Fri 26-Jul-13 12:49:39

Your mum sounds like a drama queen OP. I don't think you did anything wrong but unfortunately when you're living overseas and home for a short while, it's hard to keep everyone happy. My MIL gave me a hard time once for what she perceived to be us taking them for granted on one of our trips whereas my mum is very easy going and completely supportive of us coming and going when we visit. It's put me off staying with my inlaws and I spend most of my trips home at my parents place.

To guilt you into going home after you've set off when she's going to see you in a week sounds bonkers.

Unfortunately for her, as she's being so churlish, in future you're less likely to stay with her if she's going to make you feel so crap about it. Which means she'll see less of you and the grand kids.

Curious to know what people leave for presents, that they think orchid and wine is so lowly. Am guessing this was just an interim thanks as you're seeing them again in a week. I'd be v happy with orchid and wine as a gesture of thanks.

dubstarr73 Fri 26-Jul-13 12:50:42

I think i get the jist,you went home to your parents,they got up wiht the kids.Done ironing that wasnt asked of them.You ate out most days,done them a shop before you left.And because you didnt wake them yabu.

Well i dont think you are but to ask you to turn around and upset 3 kids is worse in my book.
You are going back there id leave especially early and wake them up to be spiteful,see what they say to that

ENormaSnob Fri 26-Jul-13 13:29:50

Oh fgs your mum sounds bloody hard work.

You said goodbye and thank you last night
Left gifts
Did a top up shop yesterday
Didnt ask for childcare/ironing in the first place

And are returning in a week.

Get a hotel next time, it,ll be easier.

onenutshortofasnickers Fri 26-Jul-13 14:10:35

What's wrong with an orchid and i wine?

You should never be ungrateful for any gift, it is the thought that counts.

If I was having guests I wouldn't expect a top up shop unless they lived with me, even if they are my children. They are my guests.

I think maybe don't let your parents 'get up' with the kids or do your washing and ironing in the future and really not let them do it, as if they are drama-llamas they will throw it back at you whatever you do.

I think for such a long journey leaving early is more logical for everyone, especially as it had been made clear to them, and not waking then is considerate and not rude, leaving a note would have been what I would have done, especially as I would be seeing them in a week!

But that's just my opinion, so I don't think op is being ur. Your mum was for making you drive back and having a 'panic attack'.

I wouldn't want to be woken up, I would be fine with no gidts and having just be told a heartfelt thank you- what's wrong with saying thank you and meaning it?!

Crinkle77 Fri 26-Jul-13 14:58:44

YANBU as your intentions were good. You thought you were being considerate by not waking them. I probably would have left a note at the very least. YABU though for driving back when you were 45 minutes away. I can't believe that your mother thought it was acceptable to make your trip 1 1/2 hours longer just to say goodbye.

Crinkle77 Fri 26-Jul-13 15:00:04

sorry just realised you did leave a note

Goooooooooooooooooooooood Fri 26-Jul-13 15:06:21

I still can't imagine the conversation between you and your DH in the car where you decide that you should turn around and drive back to say goodbye. It sounds really nuts!!! And very, very unreasonable. My DH would have laughed and carried on driving away as fast as possible.

Otherwise I still don't think you were unreasonable to leave without saying goodbye in the morning.

LostLion Fri 26-Jul-13 15:07:52

your mother was OTT and dramatic....you sound like a good and thoughtful guest IMO and your all going to be back in a week. I would say sorry that she was upset but not lay it on too thick.

HaroldLloyd Fri 26-Jul-13 15:08:36

In not seeing the problem here, you said goodbye the night before, thanked them, gave a gift, did a shop and left them to have a lie in.

Crikey what else can you do?

ChippingInHopHopHop Fri 26-Jul-13 15:09:02

I don't think you were unreasonable at all.

Not in any way, shape or form.

You told them last night you were leaving early, you left wine & a note...

Your mother is a drama lama and you should have just said you were sorry that you missed them this morning and would see them next week. Bloody hell. It's a week and you saw her 6 weeks ago... she's acting like you live in Australia and only see them every 5 year and you were flying out this morning!! I would not have put my kids, my DH or myself through driving back just to appease her drama lama tendancies. No way. She was being ridiculous.

Fillyjonk75 Fri 26-Jul-13 15:10:16

I don't think it was inconsiderate so much as a bit weird. It just sounds like sneaking off. How odd for your mum to wake up and find you not there.

PlatinumStart Fri 26-Jul-13 15:14:03

You said you were leaving last night, made it clear it would be early, thanked them then and left a gift. There is nothing about that is unreasonable AT ALL.

Making your DD add an extra 1.5 hours to her journey is beyond unreasonable.

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 15:28:48


Jeez-what a drama queen.

So said your goodbyes, that you were leaving early.

Hardly your fault that your early was earlier than she thought!

As for going back-words fail me!

And you're seeing them again soon.

I never wake my Dad-he's an adult-he gets up or not to see me leave as he sees fit.

Joiningthegang Fri 26-Jul-13 15:36:49

I think you sound lovely and completely reasonable

If my dd moves abroad and then came to stay for a week as I would do as much for her and her family as I could - and certainly wouldn't expect a top up shop

I get the feeling whatever you would have done would have been wrong.

Good luck next week

charlottehere Fri 26-Jul-13 16:02:33

You turned around? Your dm is a nightmare

Kat101 Fri 26-Jul-13 16:08:16

Is she a mother that's easily offended whatever you do? Sees perceived slights when your intentions were good. Mine would've been silmilar and then got offended if we then stayed in a hotel. Eggshells and can't win spring to mind....

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 16:08:37

Is she prone to panic attacks, OP?

Why wouldn't a FB replyhmm or call asap have been enough?

I phoned as soon as the FB message popped up and could hear her screaming and having breathing difficulties ( wheezing and heavy and loud) in the background. When we got home she was collapsed across the sofa.

We moved last summer and we are a seven hour flight away. We were delayed coming back by two weeks this year as DH has been ill. So we have had to fit a lot in in a short time.

We definitely need to sort other arrangements next year but it will mean we will be home for less time if we have to pay for accommodation. Oh! Well!

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 16:50:14

So she was having a panic attack?

How fortunate that you didn't have a plane to catch & were unable to turn around...

I suppose if you knew that this would happen then perhaps ypu should have said goodbye in the morning whatever the time.

But only you know how often this sort of thing happens & if it might in any way be manipulative behaviour.

ENormaSnob Fri 26-Jul-13 16:51:25

Your mother is pathetic.

I hate all that drama shit.

Surprised you come home at all tbh.


diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 17:48:34

If she was having difficulty breathing, I wonder why your Dad wasn't getting her to a hospital rather than waiting for you to return.

After all, how did he know when you would see the FB message?

And that you would return?

And that that would cure it??

magimedi Fri 26-Jul-13 18:27:27

Dear God - she sounds impossible.

MY DS lives abroad - when he & DIL come here I try to do as much as I can for them to give them a holiday. I am so touched that they want to use some of their precious holidays to come & see us.

ll31 Fri 26-Jul-13 19:28:01

Yabu not to say goodbye. Slightly weird even.

She's quite good with the passive agressive and emotional stuff.

When I rang to say we had arrived it was like nothing had happened but I know it will be filed away and mentioned later.

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 20:41:59

Are you being "punished" for moving so far away?

We are in Germany & my ILs have "punished" us by never visitingconfusedhmm result grin

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 20:56:21

How can people think that OP is unreasonable?

She said goodbye the night before!

I'd be sorely tempted to see very little of her next week!

And wake her up at 3am to say goodbye!

Goodness me, a grown woman behaving like that because she got up to find her visitors had left early as they said they were going to

And as for OPs father berating & demanding that they return!

Maybe you were a bit rude not to make it clear that you wouldn't wake them and then left without saying goodbye, but driving 45 minutes back again is ridiculous tbh.

harrietspy Fri 26-Jul-13 21:09:39

Yanbu. You told them night before you'd be leaving early. You also left a note.

Hope the rest of your stay passes without incident!

bellablot Fri 26-Jul-13 21:36:11

Yes you were inconsiderate, you should of at least said goodbye.

However, why people mention things that they've done for you, so called altruistically is beyond me, winds me right up. Next time tell her you'll do your own ironing etc

ShadowMeltingInTheSun Fri 26-Jul-13 21:38:42

Having a panic attack and insisting you return to say goodbye properly definitely sounds OTT. Although I do think it's generally a bit inconsiderate to leave without saying goodbye unless you've made your plans explicitly clear and know your hosts are fine with this.

In the future, I'd be making it very very clear what you mean by early - i.e "We'll be leaving at 5am (or whatever) because we want to be early enough to beat the traffic, so we won't wake you and will say goodbye tonight"

maddening Fri 26-Jul-13 21:52:24

I don't think you were inconsiderate - it sounds more like a misunderstanding - your dm was ridiculous to make you drive back.

nannynewo Sat 27-Jul-13 00:02:45

Yes, YABU not to have said good bye. But your mum was BU for making you drive back.

A nice pressie and a sorry should make it up to her :D

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 27-Jul-13 06:04:22


You said you would leave early. You said goodbye the night before. Your DM always leaves early when she has a long drive to avoid traffic.

And then you left early.

Unless they said "ok - wake us up before you go to say goodbye" and you didn't I don't get the problem.

Re: the ironing - my mum does this. I have to confess to not being desperately grateful as other than work shirts and things for weddings we never bother with ironing - just hang well to dry. However, I see it as what it is - her demonstrating she loves us in the best way she knows.

If she then threw it back at me I'd be quite annoyed.

With hindsight - and knowing your mum's drama queen tendencies - I'd have said "we are expecting to leave about 6am - do you want us to wake you or be really quiet" but you 'll know for next time.

Unless you are all about to fly to Mars on a 3 year mission you are unlikely to survive I think your mum's panic attack is beyond ridiculous.

NutcrackerFairy Sat 27-Jul-13 06:38:53

Sorry, I have only read two pages of this but had to post.

There is absolutely no way YABU here and I actually can't believe some people think you are!

I also can't believe you drove all that way back to say good-bye, your DM needs to put on her big girl pants and grow the fuck up!

Imo helping out a little with babysitting of their grandchildren and maybe some ironing is something most parents would do without all the emotional blackmail and drama.

You said your good-byes the night before. You bought parents a thoughtful thank you present. You were considerate enough not to wake parents when you left early the next morning.

Really I would not buy into your Mother's drama llama stuff. She is being ridiculous.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 07:50:25


If her mother was that bothered, why didn't she tell OP to wake her, whatever the time!

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 07:51:50

And they are all seeing her again in a week's time!

Jinty64 Sat 27-Jul-13 08:09:02

I wouldn't stay with your parents in a weeks time. Book a hotel room for a few nights so that they are not inconvenienced and then go to PIL. I think they are the ones being unreasonable. Imagine throwing back in your face the things they did for you!

When I used to take the children to stay with my Mum she did everything for us, even brought me a cup of tea in bed in the morning - because she wanted to. When she was no longer able I did everything for her.

BillyGoatintheBuff Sat 27-Jul-13 08:53:11

Gawd, your mum sounds like hard work. Next time she will wonder why you are not staying with them and cannot afford to stay as long (due to you having to fork out for accommodation). You have my full sympathies, my mum is a nightmare for weird behaviour and passive aggressive crap.

We live abroad and the last time we went back for a visit they said 'oh make yourself at home, use this room as if it were your won etc etc' but they came in everyday and rearranged everything and 'tidied up' so we felt really awkward and uncomfortable! I couldn't relax! (sorry rant over)

chillinwithmyyonis Sat 27-Jul-13 10:41:32

I wouldn't want to stay with my parents if I felt I had to buy a big expensive gift to say thank you, for those saying a bottle of wine and orchid is a crap gift. And op should offer more than a top up shop? If you can't afford to host guests, your own children and GC ffs, without remittance then don't.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 10:49:56

I don't think that that's quite fair chillin.

Depending on circs, 2 adults & 3 kids can make quite a difference.

My dad's a pensioner.

I wouldn't expect him to pay for meals for us 4 all the time.

He's also on a water meter.

One time we were there the water consumption was double his usage in half the time period!

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 10:51:31

Posted too soon.

So, staying with Dad is cheaper than renting somewhere.

He doesn't expect presents, but I don't expect him to host us all either!

Thanks all, seems to be an even split in IAU and IANU.

didl no there is no punishment. We lived abroad a lot as a family when we were kids and moved all over the place and when I told her we were moving her very first reaction was " fantastic, free holidays!"

First morning in our holiday home and it is bliss.

It's been great to have different perspectives on everything so thanks for everything. We are staying at FIL when we get back so will be able to see and do things with her and then go away again.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 10:57:39

So you are in Cornwall atm?

I'm not jealous, no, not at all!

lljkk Sat 27-Jul-13 11:19:36

You can't win. I would have killed you if you woke me up to only to say good bye for 10 days (I'm such a bad sleeper).

Mom was very OTT with the panic attack nonsense but maybe you should spelled out the "I'll say goodbye now in the evening in case we don't see you in the morning." Bit of misunderstanding both sides.

throckenholt Sat 27-Jul-13 12:02:05

I would have left a note before leaving - sorry we missed you this morning - didn't want to wake you. Thanks for everything this week - see you next week, love Ranty.

But equally there is no way I would have drive back 3/4 of an hour (an extra 1.5 hours on a long journey with kids). I would have - sorry we upset mum - we didn't intend to, we did say we were leaving early and then say as above.

I think your mum probably doesn't like the fact that you live away, wanted to show you how much you are missing by not living near her. Shame you looked at your facebook while travelling - if you hadn't seen it til later it would have been easier. Odd way to communicate - maybe your dad wanted to send you the message, but didn't really want you to see it too soon - that way he did what your mum wanted but hopefully it wouldn't hassle you - sounds like it misfired.

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