Is there anyone who doesn't bitch behind people's backs?(99 Posts)
Beginning to think not and accepting that its life.
My best friend doesn't (well very rarely and she will always top it off by a nice thing to say about that person)!
I'm a terrible bitcher and it really is a damaging pastime so I must stop.
I rarely do and if I do I have already cut ties with that person. Or if a work colleague I might bitch if he/she is vile but never to anybody at work.
I let go an acquaintance recently because she didn't stop bitching about her friend's so what the hell was she saying about me!
No, sorry. But that's life. If we couldn't have a moan it would be very dull.
I know lots of completely non-bitchy people. They're lovely to be around.
Not doing so has been my aim all year. I am getting much much better. But I still do sometimes. And I can hear myself doing it and cringe.
I've yet to meet a 'friend' who doesn't. Am giving up on friends
Manic I think that is a brilliant idea! Going to pinch it
What people say about others behind their backs is what they'll say about you when your backs turned. That's how you tell.
Of course we all have a moan about our friends from time to time.
None of us are perfect and it's ok to admit that there are some parts of your friends personality that you don't like. I'm just as ready to admit that I'm not perfect either. If I were my own friend I would drive me crazy!
We don't always say the right thing, or do the right thing. It's part of being human.
Would you really back a good friend 100% even if you thought they were doing the wrong thing?
Stay open and curios to the possibility of meeting the right kind of people for you Princess. Just wait a long time before you call another a friend. IME people are acquaintances for a long time before qualifying as friend. People blow hot and cold too and take offence very easily I find.
I don't. Honestly. I don't gossip either. It's liberating to not engage at all when people are digging.
I don't say anything about people that I won't say to their face and there's a lot I'll only say directly to them. Bitching is quite passive aggressive, pretending to be nice to someone and then being nasty when they're not around to hear you. Most people do it sadly.
You need to be very lucky. I have a lot of friends that bitch so much about everyone.. one in particular.. that I know they must do it about me too.
Everyone who meets someone and starts a relationship with she criticises. Her brothers girlfriend a plain Jane, her best friends husband is possessive etc etc etc.. Now she has met someone she is mad keen to get praise about him. Oh, he's so fine isn't he??
I just say... whatever you are into yourself.
My brothers wife is one person who doesn't, she is lovely. Also a lovely woman I work with only notices good things about people.
Now my own husbands wife is mad keen on an old bitch and her children innocently repeat back 'mummy thinks you wear earrings like a gypsy etc.'
I avoid, avoid, avoid. Sometimes get lonely.. but can be arsed with it all.
Should you pull people up on it? Now that is a question?
I like to think I don't.
If I'm talking to someone about someone else, I try and think how I would feel if it got back to the person I was talking about. if it would be something I was uncomfortable with I wouldn't say it.
My dh doesn't and if I do he is so clearly not up for it that it shames me into stopping.
I don't so much bitch as take the piss or just let off a bit of steam.
Yes, SoleSource. I offend people all the time apparently. I'm blunt. Some people who get me think its funny. Everyone else thinks it offends. Oh well!
I don't say anything about someone that I wouldn't say to their face, and I try to either say something nice or not say anything at all.
I can honestly say that of my friends, 90% of them never bitch or gossip. The other 10% do occasionally bitch/gossip, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and I change the subject as soon as possible.
I think people who don't bitch are very rare. I'd quite like them all as friends! I was thinking about this today too though. I was sat near a group of girls and they were ripping one of their friends who wasn't there to shreds. Cackling about her new eyebrows and other things about her physical appearance. Not nice.
I will only talk about someone (from RL) when they are not present, if it is because I am concerned about them. It is usually a family thing and the talking is a way to decide how to help so not really bitching as such.
I don't tend to bitch.
I really don't. I used to and it was from a position of insecurity. I talk about people, but nothing nasty, or that would be a problem if it got back to them. And I hate listening to other people bitch or tease too.
I promised myself that when I got new friends, after DS was born, I would never bitch again. I did have a bit of a moan about 1 friend before and it was long before we became much closer and I do feel very guilty about it now but its things that would probably bug many people, it wasn't anything particularly bad anyway.
I have been really bitching about a friend at the moment, mainly because she is royally pissing me off and I want to drop her but can't because she keeps coming along with the group I am friends with
and they aren't getting the hint that I-- want her to sod off, saying that they are saying she needs to grow up and they don't have much in common with her and 1 really really dislikes her so I'm hoping actually. It makes me sound awful but I do not want to get into her playground shite and watching everything I do and say in case she takes offence.
mrspaddy: "my own husband's wife" got my brain into a tangle trying to work out this woman's relationship to you, unless you are talking about yourself.
I used to bitch in my twenties, just to "fit in". Thankfully, don't do it any more. Nowadays, I feel terribly guilty if I catch myself bitching. And my current group of friends are all brilliant!
We meet every week, but never, ever, not even in idle chatter, talk about other people.
What's that saying? Something like 'big minds talk about ideas, small minds talk about people'
Quite truthful, I think.
Sister in law.. god my head is over over the place this evening.. overtired. Ha ha
Does anyone find that if you don't engage in the gossip certain "friends" can turn off or funny with you?
I think it can become a habit and depend on who you are mixing with.
I have had friends who have always left me with a feeling of unease when we finish talking. It took me a while to realise it was because I didn't like myself afterwards.
Because the conversation always took an off turn.
A bit of a moan is one thing. Slating and rumourmongering is very different and can cause real problems.
I don't bitch about people.
I tend just to wish people well and get on with my own short life.
That's not to say I never have arguments, or say nice things all the time: I just tell people to their face how I feel about them (mostly good)! I try not to judge people as who knows why people do the things they do!
I have I however come across the bitchiest school gate self styled alphamums group and have found out quite recently that I have been the subject of a super bitch fest - all with totally inaccurate information. I do feel a bit sorry for those women who have nothing better to do than make up stuff about me and gripe about it, but as Oscar Wilde said "there's only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about".
Peace and love to all!
However it's not worth gossiping with colleagues or not vvvv close friends as it'll come back and bite you.
but, bitching can vary. Right??? I might get a tad
cross and annoyed with people at work, and verbally share that at times...
but I dont slag off their eyebrows!
Boreoff yes certainly that has happened to me very recently. I do not bitch about people behind their backs - if they annoy/offend me I either avoid them or let them know! There are better and more important things to be getting on with.
That's very true. Some seem to think you are not worthy of their friendship if you don't slag off their latest victims with them and kind of turn cold on you.
I don't. My rule is if I wouldn't say it to someone's face I shouldn't say it at all.
Wow VenusSurprising are you me? A group of mums here (Reception year - they work fast) have seemingly set themselves up as the alpha group and are constantly networking. They tried to include me, briefly, in their group, but I did not take part in their
drinking bitching. I am now being shunned spectacularly - and bitched about! As you say, peace and love
My friend Katherine has never said an unkind word about a soul in her life.
She is a genuinely lovely person.
They do exist.
Shame I've been on this earth for 28 years and only met one!
I might discuss with friends if someone had upset me and get their view on the situation but would never get personal or be cruel.
Aw, Crapbag you don't have to put the dashes around every word. Just either end of the sentence will do!
What I was going to say is that I have a dear friend who I love spending time with but is a terrible gossip. I always mind what I say in front of her in case she gossips about me.
If we do end up talking about someone I always imagine that they are listening and I try and be as tactful and polite as possible, if I absolutely have to join in the conversation.
Butterfly, what happens with those types is that if you don't gossip etc you are not fun to them, they want like minded people to gossip with and about!
You know those people who always bitch about your other friends and spend hours slagging them off and picking their lives apart?
They do that to you.
Took me a little while to work that out and when I did things were never quite the same again.
this thread is odd ....most people dont 'bitch behind other peoples backs' IME
I dont, neither do any of my friends.
I might say horrid things about people i dont like....but, you mean bitching about people behind their backs, when you are supposed to be friends do you?
Boomba I was referring to any bitching really. Colleagues in my experience are the worst
Boomba, why is it odd? Yes it does happen, that is why we are discussing it.
Lucky you to have never come across such behaviour.
i think its odd...because i dont know that many people that do it. I am suprised that so many of you do. yes, i guess i am lucky
But, I agree...at work it happens. But people are forced to spend lots of time, with people they might not want to...so thats pretty understandable i think. People need to vent sometimes and not have a face-off with people they have to spend all day with,m over irritating trivialities
I really don't! I will say it to their faces but never bitch about anyone. Tbh that's why most of my friends are blokes because they don't bitch either!
There's a mum who's son is at school with my son. She told me she didn't bitch and I laughed cos it's all she ever does.
Boomba, that is true. There is a difference between discussing a situation or someone that has upset you to being cruel, personal and nasty.
You are obviously a good judge of character, I have a small lovely non bitchy group of friends but have also come across a few that love nothing more then to be truly horrid about their so called friends.
I sometimes moan about my friends to my DH and then feel very guilty as I love them but they're just being a bit annoying.
I dont bitch to friends abut other friends that would be terribly disloyal. I try to be very loyal to my real friends.
I am terribly interested in other people and what makes them tick...which could be gossip I guess but I'm very non judgmental.
I do have a few poeple I 'know' but can't stand and do occasionally moan about them to friends.
I think if my DH and I didn't talk about our friends and theirs lives we'd have nothing much to say to each other. I find people fascinating.
There's a difference between slandering someone and talking the truth about what someone has done. I never slander or lie about another person but I do let off steam if anyone has hurt me and I only ever do this with my sister. I don't trust anyone else.
I think most people say what they think, from their own (admittedly biased) perspective, about a person or situation, and dont necesarily consider this to be 'bitching', but might be wary, for one reason or another, including hurting someone's feelings, of saying it in front of the people involved?
I usually don't. Gossiping and unreflective negative talk about others bores me stiff and drags me down. I try to avoid.
eg I never 'bitch', but can be very outspoken to trusted people about other people/situations
We all have a family member or closest friend we can let off steam about others to.
It's the pretending to be loyal to someone then gossiping and slagging them off to anyone who will listen or ganging up within a group of friends.
I have a magnet on my fridge, giving to me by a psychologist friend, who described why people act like this (to detract attention, to justify their own behaviour etc etc)
When you criticise others, are you describing yourself?
Be careful what you say, the world is listening ...
Invariably it's true. Listen to your friends who bitch about others selfishness, rudeness, etc. they are normally describing their weaknesses.
I actively try my hardest not to bitch about people.
I also actively try not to. That's not to say I never comment negatively on something someone has done, but only if it has directly affected me and they already know how I feel about it/them.
So really, my mother is the only person I would say I have 'bitched' about, but in reality, I have talked about some of the things she has done to try and get my head around them.
But just 'bitch' about people for entertainment? Never.
The only time I did it I felt terrible afterwards. I said bad but true thing about a 'friend' who loved to make fun of my parenting choices. And I dropped that friend.
no i don't
i might have a moan about someone to another friend if they have upset me but do not bitch about others
i have a friend who does all the time no one lives up to her standards, i have backed away and i am sure one day i soon will be another one on her long list of friends she no longer wants to be in contact with
I admit to discussing the bad/odd behaviours of friends with my dsis only. I do not discuss what people look like/wear as I was often ridiculed at school for my looks
or lack of them.
A colleague once said to me "You never comment on anyone's looks or dress sense."
I know several people who are friends with people they do not seem to like. They bitch about them and then go out for lunch/dinner together. I do not know how to take them at all.
If I am not keen on someone I will not spend my personal time with them.
My friend Wendy doesn't and changes the subject if anyone else does, I love her!
I do and all those saying 'I don't but I might have a moan'- that's a very fine line you're treading there
I think it's human, but I think it can become a habit and it can be ott. However, we say dh's vile gran got to the age of 98 fuelled by bitching alone!
DH never does- not to me, anyway.
Being 2-faced is being 'diplomatic' according to my SIL and SIS. And so is blatent lying as an excuse.
I don't (well, sometimes only to DH) and I certainly wouldn't bitch about someone's looks or dress sense. I am very suspicious of people who constantly bitch and gossip about others as they are probably doing the same to me
I am quite outspoken so if I have a problem with them, which isn't often, I will tell them. I am not friends with people I am not keen on.
I very rarely bitch these days, and if I do it's about someone who isn't a 'friend' of mine. I am ashamed to say I was a total bitch as a teen and in my twenties. I think I was unhappy in my life then as I am far happier now and really can't be bothered with bringing a conversation down by always moaning about people.
Bumblequeen I know a group of 'friends' like that too! They are very cliquey and best buddies with each other (there are around 20 of them) but if one person isn't at a meet up or on a night out then the claws and the daggers come out and that person is slagged off. Not just minor bitching either, really below-the-belt stuff. They must all know that the others are all like it as it happens all the time but they all seem to accept it. Some of them even say how ugly certain group members' kids are!
I went on about 3 nights out with them and decided they weren't my cup of tea
I will discuss other people's actions with different friends - I think it's a good way to see opposing points of view and to gauge what you should or shouldn't put up with.
Sometimes dh and I have a good bitch when someone's pissed us off. It's cathartic, but I wouldn't do it with anyone else.
I dont <polishes halo>
Seriously though, I try my best not to talk about people behind their back, or shitstir or cause trouble between people. Its a horrible trait to have, and unfortunately many people delight in this bitching behaviour.
I do to an extent, but I will never say anything about someone (that I know anyway) that I haven't already said to their face. Mainly about lazy buggers in work tbh. I never bitch about the appearance of people I know,
although I will admit to the odd catty comment such as "not a good look" when someone walks past wearing something totally ridiculous
Those who bitch to you, bitch about you...
I think most people talk about their friends behind their back. However, there's a purpose to it even if people aren't consciously aware of it.
There have been lots of studies about this and it shows that 'gossip' is much more positive in nature than we think. Quite often 'gossiping' about someone's behaviour or something that has happened to them (e.g. gossiping about the friend who is drinking too much, having an affair, or even less important things like being too bossy at the PTA meeting) comes from a real place of concern. By sharing our concerns we close ranks and become a support network for that person.
Likewise, we cement our relationship with those sharing the gossip, as it acts as a barometer for acceptable behaviour and promotes feelings of inclusivity (people like us).
Gossip is a form of social bonding.
In most cases, while it can be a little gleeful at times, it seems it is rarely born of malicious intent. Malicious gossip is, of course, something entirely different and those people are best avoided at all costs.
My golden rule for gossip is this: Never say anything that you're not prepared to be called on and have to explain.
The only person I knew who didn't upped and died on me. Honestly, I met her 5 years before she died and she was the best person I ever knew.
ME! I just don't. If I have something to say, I will say it to the persons face. That way if anyone goes to any of my friends and says 'MammaTJ said do and so about you' they all know that it is not true. None of them have ever heard me bitching about anyone else behind their backs.
How will they ever change if I only bitch behind their backs? Pointless.
Also the young girl from India who works in the same place as me. She is kind and lovely to the old people we look after and I have never ever heard her say anything nasty about anyone else either. If I didn't have to have handover and could just walk in and not see who has been on the day shift, I would be able to guess it was her on when she has done a shift. She leaves a beautiful calm atmoshere in the home.
Lukewarmbath That sounds awful.
I once worked with a group of people and on starting the job was informed that they all discussed one another. I made up my mind that I was going to stay out of it. There was a little bitching once one had gone to lunch/was on leave but perhaps they knew I was not going to entertain it.
I remember working in my first job and mentioned to colleague A that colleague B seemed nice. Colleague A then told me that colleague B was in no way complimentary about me and felt I work too slowly!
I find people can be very false in the workplace. You never truly know who is keen on you/cannot stand you unless they have a "I do not give a s* attitude'. Many a time I have seen colleagues clearly state they cannot stand someone but go on to give them lifts/have lunch with them/over compliment them.
From school I have steered clear of anyone I did not like.
I'll only have a go about people if I've had, or am about to, have a go at them.
Once I've cut sone
Once I've cut someone off, though, it's open season.
My dsis is a gossip and it has got her into trouble many a time. She simply cannot keep anything to herself. When she gives me information on another, I ask:
"Would so and so feel comfortable with me knowing this about them?"
I don't believe there isn't anyone who doesn't bitch. If they say otherwise they must have a very narrow view of what bitching is or they're lying.
How can people have colleagues and not bitch about some of them from time to time.
I never could stand why people keep company with people who they bitch about. If i don't like you, I'll drop you and leave you in peace, as long as you don't start any rubbish (some people can't take rejection ). I'm not into the competitive friendships either. I dropped a whole three generation part of my family when I realised that my cousin doesn't like me. I adore(d) her mother, but since they all live in the same house, sorry, I can't do that "mouth cut two sides" malarkey and I believe that my errant cousin's home should be her castle (whether she's a bitch or not). I am now in the process of finding new types of friends and acquaintances......females with a bit of self esteem and humility about them. Tired of the old crabs in the bottom of the barrel behaviour that too many females are only too willing to dish out BEHIND another female's back. Bring back them old Elsie Tanner battleaxes to deal with them!
It depends what you mean by 'bitch'. I don't say anything that would be disasterous if they were listening in.... somethings I might bite my tongue with the person but moan to my dh but if the person heard me i'd stand by it.. so things like 'x drives me mad that she's ALWAYS fifteen minutes late for everything'. or 'y is always moaning'.
Okay , by some definitions, I have confused bitching with gossiping. The badminded gossips get me down as well as the recent phenomenon of "man bitch" (fellas that are worse than any woman when it comes to badminding on other men). Letting off steam about somebody is cool as long as you are prepared to tell them about your concerns. Moan to the person concerned before you tell anybody else. Then it won't be bitching. So gossips no. Forthright bitching (provided you have at least told the person concerned that they are pissing you off, but they have chosen to ignore), yes.
I can think of at least two close friends who don't "bitch" - with one in particular, she always finds something nice to say about people, but actually doesn't talk about people much, just gets on with stuff. Much nicer and more refreshing. We end up having lovely long conversations about bread recipes, or plants, or dowsing or horses. Far better.
I can think of one person in my life who I have deliberately kept at arm's length and not developed a friendship with because I simply couldn't like her approach of being constantly critical of others, and a strange habit of posting those annoying FB updates about how disappointed she was/is with unnamed "friends". So I keep things cordial and low key.
I try hard to be positive about people and also to find good things to say/praise about them. It's very easy to be quick to criticise but much nicer to say something positive and supportive. I don't always succeed but I do try.
I'm like Stoosh, as well, in that if, say, a wife has to go, so does the husband. It's too difficult to negotiate, and also, some tossers will use the remaining friendship as leverage to get back at the cutter-offer.
I have some really lovely friends that don't bitch....but they were hard to find and there aren't many of them. But I'd rather have a handful of great, reliable friends then a mob of people who I can't trust and can't be myself with. I see it all the time......people being ever so nice to each other and then horrible behind each others backs.....and they know they are all doing it!
May I bitch about all those who claim they don't bitch - yeah right
i dont. i hate it. i know many many people that do though and its horrible... especially when its done to you.
i only ever talk to dh about people... and its not often i do this.
Yes, my lovely friend, who restores my faith in human nature each and every time I see her. If someone starts to tell gossip to her, she straight away tells them (v. politely) that it is simply not her business and she would rather not know. She is very moral yet at the same time, gives the BEST advice without judging. She is pretty damn great.
I don't. I used to be in a group that gossiped and bitched between each other's backs - I got caught out and also found out I was being gossiped about.
It's true of course - if people talk about other people behind their backs then they also do it to you. If you do it to other people you also deserve to have it done to you.
I'd rather have no friends at all than just have that kind of friendship.
I don't. I wont say anything behind anyones back that I wont say to their faces.
I'd say things to people on here (faces) as well if I was blessed with the opportunity. xx
I vent my frustrations with friends to other friends sometimes and fully accept they do the same with me. [shrug]
If I have a friend who says awful and unfair or bitchy things about their other friends then I also realise they probably do that about me too and probably go off them as a friend sooner or later.
People all have good things and bad things about them. I don't expect perfection from myself or others. I don't pretend to be blind to faults either in the name of loyalty.
Depends what you think 'bitching' is. I don't like people 'bitching' or being 'bitchy' but I understand that I have aspects of me that are probably frustrating to my friends sometimes and I don't think talking about a friend's behaviour to another friend is automatically being 'bitchy'.
No I don't as i'm perfect!!!
It depends who and what they've done. I try not to, and I'd say 95% of the time I don't. But there are people in my life who I very much dislike for genuine reasons (such as saying awful things about me-before I bitched about them-, lying etc) but I'm forced to be 'nice' to so I bitch to DH about them when they're not there. But some people are definitely bitchier than others. My sister is the kindest person I know and I've NEVER heard her bitch about anybody.
No, but people bitch about me ALL OF THE TIME. I have no idea why, I don't even speak to most of these people. I don't slag anyone off, I don't get involved in personal issues, I don't offer advice. Two of them I don't even know for Gods sake.
I don't offer advice I'm not sure of is what I ment to say.
I bitch behind people's back but then when I see them I'll say it to there face.
To my shame I used to do this. Then I discovered (from somebody else close to her) the person also bitched about me, horribly too. I think it served me right to think I was one of the exempted ones.
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