to be fed up with this and to have really lost respect for dh.

(80 Posts)
martini84 Thu 25-Jul-13 08:48:50

I posted on here before re dh for shouting at the dc for no not putting rubish in bin etc etc.
We had a gentle discussion about this which didn't go brilliantly but I thought at least its out in the open.
However, nothing has changed.
Every night he leave a mug or glass where sits. I have to move these as we have an exploring baby. One night he left his tablets within baby's reach.
If he has a beer he leave empty bottle, lid and bottle opener on the side.
Whenever he does a diy he leave drill, socket sets etc wherever he was doing job.
I can clean the whole kitchin and within minutes he will cut a pizza or bread and create more crumbs.
Clothes get thrown on floor after wear. I ignore ones in our bedroom but I am now finding socks etc all over the house.
I am so fed up.
Aibu to ask how on earth can I get him to clean up after himself.
I largely sahm so do the housework but this is just making life impossible and I am feeling resentful.

martini84 Thu 25-Jul-13 08:49:07

Thank you.

ArtemisatBrauron Thu 25-Jul-13 08:50:48

Take all the stuff he leaves at his arse and pile it on his side of the bed. Repeat until he gets the message.

AnotherStitchInTime Thu 25-Jul-13 08:56:29

What Artemisa said. My DH is terrible for leaving clothing around the place. I pick it up and put it down his side of the bed. If it can't make it to the wash basket it doesn't get washed.

Tell him that as an adult you expect him to clear up after himself, you have enough children to look after.

If he continues tell him you will start throwing stuff away, you are not his servant.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 25-Jul-13 08:57:12

I would be feeling resentful too and would be having a few words which weren't so gentle!

It's irresponsible and neglectful parenting to leave harmful things, like pills, within the reach of small children. It is also hugely disrespectful to you to let you pick up after him all the time. As a sahm, your job is to look after the dc, and the house while he is at work, not be treated like a skivvy for a lazy man.

I would lay it all out for him that he needs to start behaving like an equal partner and equal parent and not expect you to do all the thinking for him and all the clearing up. Once he is home from work, domestic stuff should be shared out.

Most people when they become parents for the first time, aren't used to thinking about child safety, but you have learned to and there are time limits on how long he can be thoughtless. The wellbeing of his dc is 50% his responsibility and he needs to have this hammered home.

I couldn't remain living with someone who refused to change.

My dh is a bit like this, especially annoying is the stinking running kit, trainers and wet towels that are left draped all over the house or left festering in bags. It reeks.
No amount of asking or reminding worked. So I put them all in the bin with the dirty nappies. That worked.

Tablets being left out is a whole other level. Tell him you are inviting the health visitor around to talk to him about it. I find a threat to involve a third party works on dh as he would be mortified if he was criticised by anyone else.

martini84 Thu 25-Jul-13 09:31:11

Fortunately tablet thing was a one off. Now safely out of reach. But this is our third child. He really should know better.

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy Thu 25-Jul-13 09:35:58

Yes he should know better. He sounds like he has zero respect for you.
Maybe make a rule that if its dumped on the floor it goes in the bin.

pianodoodle Thu 25-Jul-13 09:47:37

DH was messy like this too (and still isn't brilliant TBH) but after many heated discussions it took my mum staying for a week to make me see I wasn't being unreasonable!

She was over helping me unpack and stuff after a house move my DH was at work. Every five minutes all I could hear from her was "what the fuck's he left this here for?!" "what's this?!" "bloody hell I'd have murdered him by now!"

She caught me picking up shirts off the floor and said "what are doing now? Stop that! Here's a box look chuck all that shite in here and shove it in the corner. If he wants it he can rummage through there. If he wants it clean he can put it in the basket himself!"

And my mum loves DH to bits smile

Beastofburden Thu 25-Jul-13 09:58:55

I suspect he thinks secretly that if you are SAHM then you are responsible for clearing up after him.

I might start with the low hanging fruit and discuss safety first- tablets and DIY gear- and make the point that as you are not psychic, there will be an accident if he leaves something lying around and the baby notices it before you do.

If he is in a total irrational phase, he will freak out, you can have the "why are you being so weird" conversation with him, and it will still be all about child safety, so he can't divert into the " you are at home so you do it" argument.

It is interesting that he is doing this now with your third child. Is he feeling jealous/overwhelmed? Perhaps what you need is some free childcare from a nice mother/friend and a weekend away to talk. You can grit your teeth and listen to his whinging about how nobody at work appreciates his genius or whatever it is, and you can talk about how hard it is to teach children to be tidy and how you'd love the house to be just that bit more adult and calm.

The other thing is- tablets- does he suffer from depression?

martini84 Thu 25-Jul-13 10:16:02

No not depression. I think tbh he has always been abit messy. Seems to have got worse now. Although maybe I just have less time, energy or patience to deal with it.

pianodoodle Thu 25-Jul-13 10:26:52

That's probably it! It isn't that he's getting worse it's just that you have less and less time to sort the mess out yourself so it seems to be getting worse.

The way I put it to my DH was that I felt he was throwing stuff down with the mindset that it was "my job" to pick it up. He actually doesn't have that attitude to me at all and felt quite bad that that's how I took it.

I do the vast majority of housework at the minute and I don't mind I am at home with DD and pregnant again, so just work p/t in the evenings but do as much as possible during the day to make evenings and weekends free for all of us.

I only feel it's taking the piss if he doesn't keep things tidy as he goes along as that creates work for me that would have otherwise taken a few seconds for him e.g putting things back where he got them etc... It soon adds up to an extra chore for me when it doesn't need to.

Beastofburden Thu 25-Jul-13 10:28:59

Sympathy! I am about to spend my summer holidays (I am back at work now, I am a lot older than you) doing a mega declutter of the house as it has reached a tipping point of filth and misery. I am not sure how come we ended up here, but suspect my DD who is a clutter magpie and has way too much stuff, and appears to be completely blind to how much she leaves behind.

It may be a combo of things. Three kids is a lot more than two, somehow (I had three in four years so I can remember). He may be being messy because he feels it doesn't matter so much. but the fact that he yells at your DD suggests he would like the same as you, just doesn't know how to get there without effort.

Do you have/could you run to a cleaner? If someone else gets the house shiny once a week, it takes pressure off both of you. Then you can maintain it by "setting an example" to the kids, ahem.

martini84 Fri 26-Jul-13 00:07:31

Part of the problem is i just can't get it done during the day. Dd 9 months is a human whirlwilnd. Unless she is asleep she is constantly on the go.
So i finding myself having to do loads evenings and weekends too.

martini84 Fri 26-Jul-13 00:08:30

Cleaner could help but no doubt dh will say we can't afford it.

Didactylos Fri 26-Jul-13 00:39:29

People have different tolerences for mess but I can only sympathise with you- I used to live with a ex partner like this - totally unable to see that things needed done, left in his care for a day or two and the house was chaotic and getting grubby, and Id trot around after him like an unpaid maid putting everything in its place and cleaning up his mess and making excuses for it. This incompatibility was just one of the reasons we split up - because I felt like I was becoming a mother to him. And it was so damned unfair - I spent so much time and energy on these basic life tasks for both of us and he just carried on like a big daft grubby wean.

Before anyone jumps on me I am not suggesting LTB, despite the above!
(I now am married to wonderful DP who can clean like a demon when required and spontaneously does about half the housework and cooking and sometimes more (blushstealth boast!). The difference is we do the tasks that needed done as they need done, and he can see what needs done because hes lived on his own enough, and hes come from a family, all boys who were expected to pitch in and do housework.

Does your DP see the mess at all? In shared accommodation we cured a messy flatmate by putting all the dishes she left unwashed in her bed. You could put a cardboard box at his side of the bed and over a day just put everything hes left out for you to clear up in it. Then he cant ignore it, there's a box of evidence of the scale of the problem

Would getting some experienced person (hv, friend or professional) to babyproof eg someone neutral who could look round and point out to him the safety hazards without it coming from you (again) so that he cant file it under some convenient category such as nagging?

Beastofburden Fri 26-Jul-13 01:24:14

Martini, maybe he would say that, but you could suggest time limit. I wangled a cleaner just for six months when I had dc3. In the event we never cancelled her as it made such a difference to both of us. I was SAHM at the time and we had a tiny income. As dd3 is so demanding, and you are so tir, he might agree.

Can someone translate LTB for me as I don't know (but maybe can guess)

deleted203 Fri 26-Jul-13 01:30:03

I don't know if it will help but when teens do this I simply sweep things into a bin liner and stick it by the back door. If it's still there on bin day it goes out...

You need to hear the cries of rage when they rummage through it and discover their favourite dress/iPad/A level coursework mixed up with old apple cores, left over crusts, smelly socks and anything else that has been abandoned.

It does tend to work.

(*piano*s Mum sounds on the same page as me).

pictish Fri 26-Jul-13 02:02:50

Hmmm...I think a grown adult should be allowed to leave a cup or a glass lying out in their own house without being bitched at tbh.

I mean...if he's an out and out slob then ok, I can understand your strength of feeling....but what you describe sounds pretty shrugworthy to me in the grand scheme of things.

Put it this way - if I went off to bed leaving my cup out, and got up the next day to dh carping about it (not that he would, but hypothetically)...I'd be pretty pissed off, and feel like I was being hounded in my own home. Tbh. And I'd be pretty vocal about it too!

atrcts Fri 26-Jul-13 02:31:24

Pictish OP is saying there are young 'exploring' babies that would smash a left glass by playing with it. That is a huge safety issue and irresponsible parenting.

My husband used to leave his used boxers on the floor before jumping into bed, and expect me to pick up after him. There would be a little pile after a few days and I asked him to put them in the bedroom laundry bin (which was a stones throw away from his little dumping pile), or I would do something drastic.

The next night he dumped his boxers on the floor again so I picked them up and flung them out of the bedroom window into the front garden where they got rained on all night long.

His boxers have miraculously found their way into the laundry bin from that moment on...

But I have the same problem with so many other areas - he leaves his highly toxic medication out on the side in the kitchen, leaves his clothes hanging round the kitchen, drapes wet kitchen towels all over the sofa, generally driving me mad with his slovenly ways!

But when I mention it to him he accuses me of 'nagging' and acts as though he is a hounded hen-pecked male to be pitied which does my head in to be quite honest

So OP you have my sympathy, I sadly think our men would quite happily fish through a box for their stuff, am really not sure it would bother then at all!

I haven't tried the black bin liner by the door waiting to go out to the wheelie bin within 24 hours, but could imagine the bin liner would get emptied and everything restored to its wrong place; shirts draped on kitchen chairs, tea towels on sofa, socks on floor etc. but I might try it though.

And I am so envious of the SAHM's whose partner's help them without asking- my husband won't even help when its obvious I can't (like post c section) and I do ask him to. He claims my threshold for cleaning is unreasonable and unnecessary when I ask him to change our bed and mop the kitchen floor once a week.

notenoughlicorice Fri 26-Jul-13 03:48:23

Mine seems to have improved his messy ways -this is what I did:

Had a chat during a good time about dangers to kids.
My mum highlighs news stories where kids get ciggarette lighters and burn down houses etc.
Explained that things need to go in designated places to find them easily and keep kids safe.
Created a small box that I put random crap items of his in so they are in a polka dot box not a messy pile.
He also has a cupboard other things go into.
If I move something he has left I pick it up and move it telling him where it is going - without getting angry "am just putting lighter on top of the fridge". He now jumps up and apologizes as this happens which is thankfully rarer.
Dirty laundry left about doesn't get washed but put in his spaces.

When baby gets something dangerous though I tend to go apesh** at him though. Maybe that got the point across.

We have little money so don't throw much out.

Have a friend that puts dirty socks back in his sock drawer etc.
Another uses a specific drawer for random husband mess.

It is similar to young kids really - reinforce and model what you want to happen, explaining as you go in a relaxed voice.
Husbands are just slower than kids and think they are entitled to be slobs.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 04:12:21

oh god! so many of these stories sound like my DH. He leaves all his shit everywhere. Dirty socks in the middle of the lounge, wet towels in a heap on the bed, toilet roll cardboard just thrown on the floor in the bathroom right next to the bin. Our house looks like an explosion. He puts his drinks on the floor then kicks them over by accident and just leaves beer/coffee unless i am there and say 'well clean it up then' to which he huffs as if i'm a nag. He even told me that i basically have to stop nagging him to do stuff (ie asking him) otherwise our marriage is over. This is just what he's like and i have to accept it or leave.

He's absolutely happy scrabbling around in a heap of his stuff to find something, so that tactic doesn't work. He is also happy wearing clothes with stains on and smelling. So not doing laundry doesn't work either. He has always been like this, it is not new since i became a sahm.

He is the same with dangerous things left about for the 10mo baby to choke on. Coins, tic tacs and plastic rubbish are left everywhere, which ds puts straight in his mouth. I keep telling him how dangerous it is but everyday he acts like this is a new revelation or i am being ridiculous and 'bullying' him (apparently asking him to do stuff or telling him his clothes are covered in stains is bullying).

I've told him while he's like this i will never go back to work. As i wont do it all AND a full time job.

So no advice, just sympathies.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 04:16:44

oh and i have put jars in every room for the coins and bits and a special basket in the hall for his keys, wallet etc. He still doesn't use them and loses them everyday and gets upset when i don't drop everything to find them for him.

My parents hate us visiting and get furious with him too because he does it in their house and that's him on best behaviour. My mum says she would have killed him by now.

Kiwiinkits Fri 26-Jul-13 05:12:09

I just pile up all the random husband crap and put it on his chair in his office. From there it's his choice what he does with it. This includes all unwashed cups, random keys, mountain biking gear etc. Into the office it goes!

Kiwiinkits Fri 26-Jul-13 05:13:11

Every man needs his own space in his home. Even just a designated husband-crap corner can work wonders.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 05:35:30

Sadly no space for him to have his own corner of crap. Altho it if he did and i did that, it would mean all the plates, cups and glasses would disappear and he would just wear dirty clothes. So not so great for me really.

WaitingForMe Fri 26-Jul-13 05:36:23

I once read on MN that if someone didn't lose his temper at work then it was an entitled abusive arse issue not an anger issue.

I decided to see whether DH (then DP) cared about being slovenly at work so I told him all rubbish and abandoned socks would go into his briefcase.

I have never lied to the man yet he was surprised to find apple cores and socks spilling out at a meeting. He had to explain why that was.

He got a lot better grin

devilcakes Fri 26-Jul-13 08:32:52

Ltb-leave the bastard bob

Whothefuckfarted Fri 26-Jul-13 08:49:45

Someones Mummy didn't teach him how to clean up after himself. Now it's your job! Everything he leaves lying about put in a place that's his, that he needs to use a lot (his side of the bed/office)

Didactylos Fri 26-Jul-13 08:49:48

the other thing is modelling for kids, because if this is what they see him doing and getting away with theyll do the same thing when they are older and you will end up cleaning up after everybody.
and this behaviour and mess will probably drive him mad too when it happens
could you frame the argument that way

Didactylos Fri 26-Jul-13 08:53:16

goodness, went back to your post there and hes already shouting at them - for similar things eg not putting stuff in the bin

? would it be worth a try to get all the untidy kids in the house (kids and DP together and work out some ground rules, make it a universal problem and therefore responsibility

Almostfifty Fri 26-Jul-13 08:58:51

Put it all on his side of the bed. It works.

ernesttheBavarian Fri 26-Jul-13 09:04:24

I have this situation. My dh is exactly the same. unfortunately so are my 4 dc. I cannot keep on top of it. I cannot battle against 5 people. we talk, distribute jobs etc, but it never changes.

I am stressed and depressed by my house. I start work again (after 14 years as SAHM) in a few weeks. Dunno if it will make any difference. Dh wants me to get a cleaner. But frankly the house is way too messy for a cleaner. I tell him that we have to get tidy first but he says getting a cleaner will make us tidy. sigh.

S op I know exactly how you feel. but no magic solutions. but if you dont fix it it will get worse as the kids get older, I find sweet wrappers on the floor, pants on the table, wet towels on the stairs... And that was just last night. sad

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 09:20:49

Jeez-have these men no respect for you or themselves?

Dirty clothes, wet towels-on the floor?

What do they expect to happen to these things?

I do housework.

Not picking up after lazy arses.

Beastofburden Fri 26-Jul-13 10:24:04

ernest- get a cleaner. it might shame them into doing something and even if it doesn't, its one less job for you.

DC may get better once they are of an age to bring back GF/BF or even older friends. Once they get embarrassed at the state of your house cf their friends' houses you are nearly there. As in, "X is coming round this evening, do you really want him to see the room like this? and btw your bedroom smells."

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat Fri 26-Jul-13 10:35:13

I have sympathy for you. It is so hard not to be resentful. My boyfriend is the same and it is beyond frustrating. It is really stupid, it means nothng to him it is just laziness but it really does feel like a lack of respect for me and our home.

He just doesn't seem to care, drops socks, boxers and towels wherever he is, leaves plates and cups lying around and is seemingly incapable of taking his cup or glass through to the kitchen and using it again. I find the dirty dishes just left, not even rinsed or put with bits of food/sauce on them in a washing up bowl full of water hardest to deal with.

I know he works hard, but so do I! I am embarrassed when somebody visits so end up whipping around like crazy moving it all. Apparently I will have more time to clean when I am on Maternity Leave hmm

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 14:28:04

Earnest - We got a cleaner for a while which was nice after she came for a day or 2. But it meant i would spend 3 hours the night before she was due in a state running round tidying up. She would also keep asking where she should put stuff as she found it difficult to clean around the clutter. The house didn't help either - tiny with no storage.

Diddl - What do they expect to happen to these things?

Well in my DH's case nothing. He is quite happy using the wet towel from the floor (in fact he cannot feel or smell the difference between a damp towel which has been left on the floor for days and a fluffy dry clean one and thinks i'm making it up that other people can confused ). When i met him he ate out every night and if there were no clean dishes or dinner he would quite happily do that again - but we'd be broke. He can actually get a bit annoyed sometimes if i retrieve a stinking item of clothing off the floor and wash it. Asking 'what have you done with x? i was going to wear that today' Erm, not going out with me you weren't! It's not a case of expecting anyone else to pick it up, just a case of being happy with it on the floor.

kerala Fri 26-Jul-13 14:37:18

To counter balance my dh is fab I am the one who gets told off for messing up his shed....

ernesttheBavarian Fri 26-Jul-13 15:18:20

Ah yes. We have had a cleaner in the past. She left. The kids and dh weren't shamed into anything. But I was a stressed out nervous reck before every visit. And ashamed after.

It was honestly so stressful.

Again now, 3 kids shoes and 3 kids bags in the hallway. Right next to the shoe cupboard and bag cupboard in the hallway. I dream of the day when I can open the front door without dreading someone walking past and seeing in. So now I have a bee in my bonnet about the shoes and bags. They still leave them out. But every time now I call them back to sort it. Sometimes I have to call several times. So I am just naggy moany mum. They eventually put them away. But only after they have been told.

They will help with tidying up. But they argue and fight so much about it in the mean time that by the time it's done everyone is furious with each other. And in 2 seconds it's a tip again anyway.

grrr

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 15:40:20

I think you need to read a copy of Wifework and then have a chat with your DH. It will help explain what you mean in a why that he'll find harder to brush off (unless he's an entitled chauvinist).

I think the debate about picking up after someone depends on two things: the level of picking up required, and how equally balanced it is. For example, if you can't leave a book you were reading lying around, or an empty cup you've just had a drink from without someone screeching at you about cluttering up the place that's unreasonable. However, if one person is always leaving empty cups/plates lying around and the other person always has to clear them away, that's equally unreasonable. If both people leave the odd thing lying around and equally take turns to pick up after each other, that's the ideal compromise. (As an aside, approach to 'mess' is one of those things that it's a really good idea to be on the same page about with a partner before moving in.)

The cutting up a pizza example given in the OP, plus the leaving of wet towels and dirty clothing is just laziness. I wouldn't tolerate that for a minute.

The other thing to think of here is that there are children involved. If they grow up believing they don't have to put anything away or pick up after themselves because good old mum will do it the place will be unliveable in by the time they're teens and their future partners probably won't be too impressed either. Good parenting starts by example and the father isn't setting a good one.

valiumredhead Fri 26-Jul-13 15:44:19

Big box-scoop everything in and dunno it on his side of the bed.

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 15:44:39

MrsKoala - I think you should let your DH wear his stinky dirty clothing. I suspect a few negative reactions from people will soon sort out his sense of smell. wink

What gets me is that how do these men expect to get laid? Having to wash someones skidmarked undies that have been left on the bedroom floor, or their smelly socks deposited by the sofa, or cleaning up their messy attempts at making a sandwich or cutting a pizza would make most people feel like they're looking after a child. That's not great if you want someone to view you as a sexbomb.

Almostfifty Fri 26-Jul-13 17:35:14

ernest

Keep calling them down. Every single time. I just shout them to come down to me in the hall and tell them to sort out their stuff immediately. Yes, they roll their eyes, but they do it. If you don't know whose mess it is, make them all come down and share it out. It'll mean they'll notice who drops it and it'll stop.

Mine didn't get pocket money till their rooms were clean, either.

You must get your DH on board, even if it's only with the children.

Honestly, keep at it. Over and over during the holidays, it works.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 17:45:45

Dahlen - Sadly it doesn't affect him at all. He is utterly oblivious. All his mates say to his face he lives like a pig etc. My mum mentions it and he just shrugs and thinks everyone has OCD confused . TBF when i met him he was like this and i had to go to the shop and buy cleaning stuff and clean his bathroom before i would have a bath. I don't think he's that bothered about sex enough to change. He's very much take it or leave it in that dept too. So I have no carrot to dangle for him.

And to people who say to me 'i would just tell him he has to do it' i always laugh. People can say no, and he does. If i say you have to do x he just laughs and says no. There is no progression from there really is there?

MrsK

Fine he doesn't want to do it then don't do it for him. Don't wash his clothes; only wash plates for yourself he can eat off a dirty plate or not eat at all; tell him you will assume anything of his he leaves on the floor is rubbish and bin it.

TigerSwallowTail Fri 26-Jul-13 17:58:57

Dp is like this, but we've just had another baby so I'm already kept run off my feet without having to clear all his mess too. I kept asking him to help me out by clearing his mess away which he never done so eventually I stopped doing all his washing and told him this was his way of helping me out. He lasted 2 weeks with hardly any clothes before apologising profusely for not doing more and now he picks up after himself.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 18:04:25

I may as well just file for divorce then Chaz! If i threw his stuff away he would go mad. If i don't cook he goes out and spends ££s every day on food and we have no money. So it's me do it or leave really. Which is why i don't go out to work.

MrsK

What are you actually getting out of the relationship that makes his behaviour worth putting up with?

All partners irritate each other a bit with silly habits e.g. DH leaves apple cores on the floor in the evening and forgets to throw them away before he goes to bed and have a habit of tucking a tissue under the pillow in case I need it and then forgetting its there blush. But neither of these are at a level where they make the other persons life a misery; where they make someone else feel uncomfortable in their own home.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 19:48:12

Chaz - i live in a nice city and don't have to go to work. I've told him there has to be a pay off. I do love him. I actually suspect he has aspergers. He literally cannot do this stuff. He gets very frustrated and doesn't 'get' a lot of things.

FadedSapphire Fri 26-Jul-13 20:02:59

Snap Mrskoala...
Gets me down though.

MrsK

Its tough sometimes. You love them but not their habits. I guess its about finding the best way to make things work for you as a couple.

Would he get it, if you gave him a logical explanation e.g. if you wear dirty clothes people will make negative judgments about you (whether or not you agree with them) this may affect how they see you at work or as a friend.

I suspect you are going to say that he genuinely doesn't care what other people think.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 20:44:47

No, actually he does care and can get quite upset, which is why i don't understand. i have an aspie niece who has continence issues and she sits around in dirty pants at school even tho the other kids tease her and she gets really upset - but it doesn't occur to her to change or wash. I see the same in DH. Part of my heart breaks for him really - so i probably cut him too much slack.

MrsK

That's quite sad that he doesn't seem to make the link between people's reactions and the actions needed to prevent those reactions.

ernesttheBavarian Sat 27-Jul-13 15:15:15

omg who said about apple cores? All 3 of my s love apples. Then forget about the cores. Last time we moved I found double figures of decomposed cores all over. I find cores all over the house, behind cushions, in the garden, on the window sill in the toilet, everywhere.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sat 27-Jul-13 15:19:41

Argh, this could be my DH too. Yesterday I lost it after finding his dirty socks on the kitchen floor, about a foot away from the washing machine. The empty washing machine. His side of the bedroom is a disaster area of clothes, some dirty, some clean. He is a menace for trashing the kitchen as soon as I've cleaned it. It's like living with a student.

He has his redeeming qualities fortunately (he always cooks dinner, is great with the kids, etc.) otherwise he'd be shipped back off to his mother asap!

I don't have the answer, OP, but I do feel your pain and wish you the very best with him.

Joanne279 Sat 27-Jul-13 15:21:07

This is my dp ALL over! I agree put in on his side of the bed until he gets the message.

Only wash clothes that are in the wash basket. When he has no pants etc exclaim in your best 'surprised' voice 'well there aren't any in the wash basket'

Or, my personal fave, scream like a wild woman until he gets the message! I hand my ds his socks and tell him to put them in the wash. I hand him every dirty glass/cup and tell him to wash it up.

I am a sahm too but I don't think it gives a partner a right to be blooming lazy!

RandomMess Sat 27-Jul-13 15:28:11

I find threatening to tidy up by putting everything in a bin bag works well grin

I also have times when I tell everyone the downstairs needs tidying and the dc know they have to help by gathering up their stuff and taking it to their rooms.

I also yell "shoes" a lot as they have an inversion to putting them away.

I am a messy person but will blitz the downstairs once a day usually.

Tidy kitchen in the mornings whilst my coffee is brewing.

MewlingQuim Sat 27-Jul-13 16:02:17

DD started putting her dirty clothes in the wash basket aged 14 months, it finally seemed to shame DH into putting his there too. 15 years of nagging by me had failed to achieve this hmm

He still walks past the kitchen bin and leaves the rubbish by the sink with the crockery though angry

StuntGirl Sat 27-Jul-13 16:23:18

omg who said about apple cores? All 3 of my s love apples. Then forget about the cores. Last time we moved I found double figures of decomposed cores all over. I find cores all over the house, behind cushions, in the garden, on the window sill in the toilet, everywhere.

Fucking seriously Bavarian? I can only presume since you are the one twatting about cleaning up after them all like toddlers that you are also the one buying food for them - so stop buying apples.

The shit some of you are willing to put up with astounds me.

GingerBlondecat Sat 27-Jul-13 17:36:49

I do hope martini84 doesn't mind her thread being hijacked OOpps

Apologies martini84* I would like to hear more from you sweetheart flowers

To everyone on this thread, I totally understand. I've given up, take my antidepressants like a good girl and shaddup about the trail of mess he leaves.

But In secrete, at night, I'm planning mischief with all the wayward junk Bwahahahaha.

MrsKoala, if you start your own thread,I'll post on it, I'll join dastardly forces with you, If you are in Oz, We can plan our revenge Bwahaha

Beastofburden Sat 27-Jul-13 18:07:03

A friend of mine has six kids and no money. She imposed a Saturday morning routine where everyone had to stop what they were doing and spend an hour on the house. Each child and her dh had their thing to do. In between she lived with it as it was. What worked about that was setting a family time where everyone had to do their bit and nobody got to bunk off. Nt sure if that's worth a go?

DrCoconut Sat 27-Jul-13 19:36:12

I too have a DH who doesn't see mess, doesn't care about tidiness or personal appearance etc. he doesn't even care what people think so that doesn't work. I could never walk down the street in dirty, wrinkled clothes or leave dishes for a week stinking in the sink. He can and would unless I nagged solidly. We're getting ready for holiday at the minute and I'm trying to persuade him that we can't just go and leave bins unemptied, clothes all over etc.

martini84 Sun 28-Jul-13 19:28:03

No problem ginger. Off to read bits I missed.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 19:36:53

Sadly not in that hemisphere Ginger. In Canada. sad

Yes, apologies Martini i went on a bit of a MErailment there blush

Would a rota work with your DH?

DrCoconut - i love the emptying bin discussions just before holiday: Dh - 'why are you fussing around with the bins/emptying the fruit bowl/pouring the milk away? just do them when we get back (in 3 weeks)' Me - 'Hmm don't you think the house will smell rancid by then?' DH - [blank face] Me - confused

GiantHaystacks Sun 28-Jul-13 20:33:22

He has no respect for you. You are his cleaner, not his wife. Even if he changes you will know how he really regards you at heart. Accept this or leave him.

YANBU - if he doesn't see the need to clean up for him fine, but why does he

a) want to continue doing something that clearly upsets you, the person he professes to love and;
b) choose to teach his children, whom he also, presumably, professes to care for, that he is a hypocrite?

Sorry to be blunt, but, from your posts, it sounds like he cares for no-one but himself.

Bumblebee78 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:30:23

Sorry, im new to this and not sure of the abbreviations of dh and dd etc. I was reading his thread and had to join in, just to let off steam, hope that is ok? My hubby just doesnt see all the crap in the house, he just steps over things i leave at the bottom of the stairs for the next person to take up. Is it only me who seems to know this rule? Wrappers, bottle tops etc are left on the kitchen side, right next to the bloody bin, just put it in! I dont think he does it on purpose, he just doesnt see it.
What gets me most at the moment is that we both work full time, yet it always seems to fall on me to do all the shopping, all the planning of activities to do, and who does all the thinking about logistics such as packing bags for days out, getting pressies for parties, how to best get too and from etc...just today we went to a farm we'd been to a few times before, he even had the sat nav on but still asked me directions.
Im so fed up of having to think all the time. I feel like i have 3 kids to look after and think it would be easier on my own sometimes. He isnt mean and loves me to bits, think he is just oblivious to how shattered i am, even though i have told him im struggling at times. He helps out or a couple of weeks then slips back. Then i feel mardy for nagging, lazy for asking for help and guilty that i cant do it all. Rant over!

Bumblebee78 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:33:14

Sorry there was no help or advice there! Just hope it makes you feel better knowing that omeone else feels your pain!

breakingup Sun 28-Jul-13 21:35:47

If its not supposed to be there and it's been there longer than a day I throw it in the bin. We cannot afford to replace so he goes without.

I have threatened strike a few times.

alwaysinamuckingfuddle Sun 28-Jul-13 22:04:48

I would (like some of the others have suggested)...

Sweep through the house once a day with a black bin liner and drop all of his random crap into it... mugs of tea, blister packs of pills, shoes, underwear, socks, clothes, books, magazines. I would then stick it in the garage.

You can always buy mugs from the charity shop if you start running low...

martini84 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:14:20

Time for another chat. Nothing is changing. No worries about derailment. In a strange way its good to know I am not alone. Thanks for tips. I already won't was unless in washbasket. This backfires as once a month the whole lot gets dumped in the basket.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Jul-13 22:30:00

god, this thread is depressing

who are these women who act like handmaidens to their men ?

in this day and age...this is really still happening ?

for god's sake, find some balls...or pass on the same damaging lessons to your kids

possess a penis ? do no shitwork...

possess a vagina...you are a mug who picks up after self-entitled princes

please, get some self respect and teach your daughters (and sons) something better

breakingup Mon 29-Jul-13 10:28:41

Inspiring as usual AF

This thread just reminds me how glad I am to have LTB. <looks around tidy house happily>

XDP was much the same as your OH, OP. I couldn't take it once the attitude spilled over into other aspects of our relationship and shipped him back to his dad.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 11:45:20

good for you, FP

perhaps more men will learn that women are not domestic appliances if we simply stop accepting it in our relationships

StuntGirl Mon 29-Jul-13 12:27:34

I agree with AF. Seriously, where's the fucking common respect between partners? He couldn't give a shit about picking up his own dirty clothes, so he left them. His wife finally stopped running round and picking up after him, so he eventually goes to the great hardship of just picking up what, days? weeks? worth of washing and dumping it in the basket, again creating more work than necessary for his wife.

Does he have no hands? Perhaps he lost all his fingers in a terrible accident. Perhaps that is why he is seemingly incapable of using a washing machine or picking things up.

atrcts Mon 29-Jul-13 13:36:23

The trouble is - how do you persuade a partner that cleaning needs to be done?

Everyone has their own ideas about how often and how thorough a job needs to be done, and there can be a stalemate where there is no agreement reached about who wins. Do the beds get charged weekly or monthly, does the floor get mopped twice week or fortnightly, and so on.

Some people would Hoover daily, I wouldn't. But I also wouldn't want to be forced to do it daily if I didn't see that it needed to be done. I'd think of it as a bit OCD and a waste of my time.

My partner and I have different thresholds for dirt. He doesn't 'see' the dirt everywhere like I do, and he honesty thinks my standards are too high because they are completely different to his.

So who wins?

atrcts Mon 29-Jul-13 13:38:47

It often ends up with the person who 'sees' the dirt being the person who cleans it, because they're getting what they want (which is cleanliness to their standard) as they've ensured its done by their own personal effort!

DoJo Mon 29-Jul-13 16:39:13

Every man needs his own space in his home.
Leaving crap everywhere and expecting your wife to wade through it isn't because you 'need space', it's because you're an entitled arse. If you don't give a shit whether your behaviour makes your partner unhappy, then it's not because you haven't got somewhere to call your own, that's a luxury, it's because you don't value your partner and don't care that you are making things difficult for them.

ernesttheBavarian Wed 31-Jul-13 23:44:50

And here endeth the lecture. ( I hope)

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