More of a WWYD really - nephew and Facebook

(40 Posts)

Hi, am after a bit of advice, have found my 12 year old nephew by accident on Facebook.

No big deal in general, am friends with most of my nieces & nephews (older) who have accounts.

The problem is that my sister (his mum) doesn't know about it & actually doesn't 'allow' him to have it.

He has had his mobile removed for misuse & sending dodgy images to friends (not porn, think borat type stuff) & my sister was called into school over it. He later got a mini iPad for his birthday & the account on fb says it was opened the same month as his birthday.

As I say, I liked a page of a local restaurant & it popped up names of people who liked it too, there was nephew, bold as you like, no privacy settings etc so I could easily look at pix of his baby sisters. (he's the eldest)

Thing is, it seems boys in his school who aren't friends are commenting on his teeth/hair/weight etc... He hasn't his privacy settings done so they can basically do what they want. (thinking about this, it must be pics he's tagged in, school team pics etc)

What do I do? I know my sister doesn't want him on fb, she is very protective of him in general, no sleep overs, trips etc..

I was thinking of messaging nephew on fb & telling him to change his privacy settings, otherwise he's going to get in bother. Do I mention it to my sister (who has just had another baby & life @ home is pretty tough but that's a whole other thread.)

I text another of my sisters who hasn't hot back to me yet. The timings of his posts are all after 1am when I assume his parents are asleep.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 25-Jul-13 07:43:32

Unless I've missed something I cannot begin to imagine why you wouldn't tell his Mum? That's what I would do anyway.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 25-Jul-13 07:44:43

Oh - ok - she's not having a good time (Sorry, did miss that bit) - well - in that case I'd probably report the account to Facebook. They'll take it down because he's underage.

I think you should tell your sister. It's not unreasonable for her to decide when or if he's allowed on facebook.

AViewFromTheFridge Thu 25-Jul-13 07:45:58

I would forget you've ever seen it. Or at least, if you say something to him, do it in person so there's no electronic trail.

If your sister is that protective and she finds out you knew, she'll feel really betrayed.

A separate issue is the name-calling. Are they doing it to all the lads (I.e. "banter"), or does he seem to be being singled out?

I really don't know what you should do, sorry! I've got a year 7 form and the way they use Facebook scares me, frankly.

littlewhitebag Thu 25-Jul-13 07:46:17

I would tell his mum. She may not be having a great time right now but she still needs to know.

CSIJanner Thu 25-Jul-13 07:47:16

Report the account to FB - you don't upset your sister, her wishes as the parent are upheld for her son (a minor) and next year, he can rejoin and you can show him how to lock his account down.

Oh - and by reporting, he won't know it was you!

mrsravelstein Thu 25-Jul-13 07:48:30

ds1 is 12, and doesn't have a FB account. i would want to be told if it turned out he had set one up against my wishes and was posting public pictures of our home and family on it. definitely tell the mum and report to FB too.

Finola1step Thu 25-Jul-13 07:51:42

Tell your sister. He's actually too young to have a fb account. Your sister needs to know that he is accessing the internet in the early hours which she probably has no knowledge of. Just tell her and let her deal with it - that's her job.

CSIJanner Thu 25-Jul-13 07:51:53

Actually, I missed the bit lout about public pictures of his siblings. Does he also have anything on there where his area could be identified? I've done work with CEOP - this is a no no and his mum would need to be told.

thismousebites Thu 25-Jul-13 07:54:05

I would PM him and ask him about the remarks from other kids, as it could be cyber bullying. If not and just general banter then advise him to close the account.
I know a lot of my DS's friends are on FB and it seems like the "in" thing atm to be on it, so he probably just wants to copy his mates.
How would your sister react if you told her?
Also, being on it after 1am is not goodshock

Yes, I'll report it! Why didn't I think of that!! Can I do that on iPod or will I need to log on laptop?

Re: name calling, it's cruel taunts, nephew had accident last yr & knocked a tooth out - they're calling him on his teeth, taunting him for his hair (telling him to get it cut) calling him a freak for having his baby sisters pic on there.

Thing is, my sister really trusted him when she bought the iPad, she scraped & saved for it. Last night when we were talking she said her H had told son he was using a lot of broadband & she was upset with her H, said what was point of ds having the item if he couldn't play games, use google etc.. The iPad was given 6 months after the phone confiscation, but it seems he didn't learn a thing sad

SoupDragon Thu 25-Jul-13 07:56:54

If you report it he will just set up another one which you may not find.

Is it better to monitor it without him knowing and keep an eye on things?

SoupDragon Thu 25-Jul-13 07:58:02

The bullying is a slightly separate issue I think - the taunts etc would be happening if he didn't have FB.

emsiewill Thu 25-Jul-13 07:58:34

I think if it was me, I would go down the route of messaging him & telling him to change his privacy settings, also perhaps (innocently) feigning surprise at his mum letting him set up an account. Perhaps tell him that you want him to add you as a friend & let him know that if you see anything "untoward" you will have to bring it up with his mum.

I had a (sort of) similar situation with my niece, who had been moaning about my brother not buying her a new phone & using some vile language. I don't really like to be a "grass", so made a comment saying how shocked I was and what a spoilt brat she sounded. My brother did find out, but I was happier that it wasn't me who had dropped her in it.

Yes, he has the name of the village where they live. I know I'd want to know if it were me.

In fact I just searched for my own 11 year old to make sure she wasn't on there!!

Dh says I should just report the page & not tell my sister. I don't know why I feel so torn, if it were me I'd like to be told!

CSIJanner Thu 25-Jul-13 08:03:03

Tell her. His dad has noticed the BB usage going up and they won't be pleased if they find up out he posted pics of his siblings without privacy settings. Unless
A) they confiscate the iPad and
B) they ban FB from the firewall or router (it can be done!),
he'll just open a new one.

If you tell her, they can talk to him about the bullying, speak about putting information online and help him with the other kids.

Kiwiinkits Thu 25-Jul-13 08:03:44

Tell your sister. Her kid. Her job.

I don't know how he would react if I requested him as a friend, but I see he has added our cousins son. That cousin us very close to my sister so I'm very surprised she hasn't told her.

Sis definitely doesn't know, it's ironic we had this conversation very recently!

WeAreEternal Thu 25-Jul-13 08:05:06

I would report the account as DN is too young to have a FB anyway.

I would then tell DSIS.
I would take screenshots of the page and show them to her.

Looking at it from her POV, as a mother of a DS (he is only 6 ATM) I would want to know if DS had gone against my wishes and opened a FB account.
I would also want to know if he was being bullied using it.

I would then advise SIL to have security setting put on her wifi, blocking usage after a certain time and certain websites.

No, my sister wouldn't tell her dh. There are problems in their house that having baby after baby isn't helping, she won't tell him as he goes over the top in discipline, but she keeps a lot from him because of it.

I don't want to tell her business all over mn, it's not a happy home life & I worry my nephew is seeing & hearing too much, so am reluctant to land more shit on them.

So it's not as straight forward as telling me, or in fact any of my other sisters.

Cakebaker35 Thu 25-Jul-13 08:12:34

A no brainer, tell your sister, today. As others have said also too young to have an FB account so report it.

Dd set up a Facebook account when she was 11 without permission. I did not know about it.
She was bullied, teased, started posting very innapropriate pictures of herself, got into conversations with older boys, didnt know how to cope with it. She also had the bloody name of her school on there, so any of the strangers she was talking to could quite easily have waited outside for her.

I wish my aunt, who knew she was on Facebook for 3 months, had told me. Then I could have dealt with it earlier.

Please tell your sister. There's a reason she doesn't want her DS on Facebook.

Yes, he has the name of their school on there too. I'm trying to compose a text that won't send her loopy.

With 5 children it's easier for her to pick up a text than for me to ring & have her try to talk in front of them, particularly her oldest boy.

Suzieismyname Thu 25-Jul-13 08:25:06

Tell your sister. Take screenshots too so she knows how public he was. For his own safety!

cocolepew Thu 25-Jul-13 08:31:22

Tell her. He's too young, you know she doesn't want him on it and he's being bullied on it.

Edendance Thu 25-Jul-13 08:40:49

Tell your sister- totally not your place to deal with this. But really, a 12 year old with an iPad?! What did they think he was going to do with it??!

HollyBerryBush Thu 25-Jul-13 08:47:02

When is he 13?

I'd be talking to him, not the sister. Peers acceptance is very important at that age. You risk isolating him and making him a target.

She may shut his account - but he can easily open another one and he will have learned his lesson in not identifying his school or local area - but nonetheless he will still have the same FB friends.

I never seethe point of banning these things. My youngest has had a FB account since he left primary, its his way of keeping in tough. However I hold the passwords, and we only have a desktop downstairs. his kindle has restricted access to the internet. But thinking, that doesnt stop him accessing on his mobile should he choose to.

You have to let children have a reasonable reign to make their own mistakes whilst you over view.

JRmumma Thu 25-Jul-13 08:51:05

You need to tell your sister as its not your call on how to deal with it further from that. She may be having a hard time but i bet that doesn't mean she would want you to keep this from her.

Ok, the older sister I text earlier got back to me to say nephew told her yesterday he had a fb account & his mum didn't know,

Sis assumed his dad knew, but when I text her she rung me. She's only after ringing nephew's mum who is upset. Not with the fb account but with the fact that he went behind her back to set it up.

So she knows now, but I'm glad I wasnt the one to tell her!

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 25-Jul-13 10:05:45

You need to tell your sister but PLEASE do it face to face, not by text. I would also show her the account so she can see the names of the boys bullying him. Screenshots is a very good idea to show the school if need be.

I would go further though and tell your nephew that you dobbed him in and explain why. He will likely be very pissed off with you initially but could you use it to open up a discussion if how everything is at home and at school? It sounds like he needs a protective auntie in his life.

Adults shouldn't be ashamed of acting like adults.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 25-Jul-13 10:06:11

X post!

CeliaFate Thu 25-Jul-13 10:21:05

He'll do it again. He wants to fit in, be like everyone else. Can you talk to your sister to get her to relax a bit (not allow him on FB) about trips out or friends coming over?
He's secretive because he's being treated like a younger child.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 10:55:52

Can you ask your husband to take him for a good haircut? Can you take him to the dentist? I feel really sorry for this boy.

I tried to report an underage account recently and discovered that the option no longer exists. Facebook don't give a shit.

You have to tell his parents.

Your update didn't load before I posted blush

This whole area terrifies me. The internet is there forever.

FreckledLeopard Thu 25-Jul-13 11:22:24

I'm going to go against the grain here and say don't tell her. He's a few months off being able to have an account, he will be mercilessly teased if he doesn't have one and it's effectively social suicide at that age not to be online. Even if you do report it to Facebook, he can just re-open another account using a different email address or change his date of birth.

I'd just say something to him about privacy settings and thinking before he posts photos etc. But other than that, keep out of it.

RoxyFox211 Thu 25-Jul-13 11:42:02

Just tell him to change privacy settings and be done. That what I would do anyway.

He has had his hair cut, the person calling him on that obviously hasn't seen him since school finished (end of June)

His teeth are perfect, the dentist done a perfect job & corrected the broken tooth, this person may have been at his primary school & knows he's had work done & is using it as a stick to beat him with.

My sister does need to relax a bit, meet him half way. Her dh tells the boy he can do stuff, ie: teen discos, when he knows my sister will have issues with him going. The boy is a very immature 12 & as an open minded person I can see why my sister doesn't want him unsupervised at those kind of places.

I'm not saying he's a bad child, he just doesn't give her many reasons to trust him.

I feel sorry for him too, he does need a little leeway, but when she gives him it, he lets her down (mobile phone, now iPad) I know if she didn't want him to go on fb she should have checked better, but my dd has an iPod & I don't always check up on her. Maybe I'm too laid back opposed to her strictness.

I dunno, out of my hands now anyway. Thanks for all the sensible advice!!

TheFuzz Thu 25-Jul-13 13:14:57

Tell your sister. My son is same age, high school but we only allowed it after setting it up ourselves (everyone in school has one) and ensuring privacy and certain people were banned.

He also has us as friends so we can monitor it - which TBF has been fine - no abuse of it.

best to be aware of it, than not, and the privacy settings need sorting.

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