To be annoyed MIL has kicked off potty training!

(106 Posts)
ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 21:16:14

DS is 2.5 years old and is looked after by my MIL (whom I love dearly) twice a week while I work.

He is still in nappies and I am beginning to think about potty training but don't really believe he is ready to fully start.

MIL is keen to get him out of nappies. We discussed it over dinner recently (she brought it up) and she suggested the summer holidays might be a good time to do it, as DS would have a break from playgroup.
I said I didn't think he was ready but she had a point about the timings. We left it at that.

When I picked DS up from her house today, I was put out that she had bought him some pants and he had been wearing them all day! She said she was just trying him to see how he got on with it.

AIBU to be livid about this?!

GwennieF Wed 24-Jul-13 21:19:08

Its not something I would get wound up about; but I suppose it would depend on your relationship with your MIL...

Did your DS like being in pants?

NeedlesCuties Wed 24-Jul-13 21:20:08


She's looking after him for you while you work, saving you stacks of ££ on childcare.

She maybe sees you and her as being in a 'team' and she has the parenting experience to know how to do potty training.

Think of the ££ you'll save on nappies once he's trained, and at this age he might well be ready.

Don't be livid because she bought him some pants and tried them on him.

I'm sure plenty will disagree with me, but I think you're over-reacting big style.

Pascha Wed 24-Jul-13 21:20:44

I would love someone else - anyone else to potty train my son. I don't have the patience for it at all.

redskyatnight Wed 24-Jul-13 21:21:55

Er - why? Potty training is a PITA, if she's prepared to clean up messes and see how he goes then why not?

ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 21:22:19

I do love my MIL, there is no issue there at all. I think I was more put out because it is my decision when I want to do away with the nappies!

He did like his pants but peed all over the floor immediately when I got him home. Bless him, he helped me mop it up!

HumphreyCobbler Wed 24-Jul-13 21:23:25

I would want to make that decision myself really. I think doing it too early is counter productive.

NeedlesCuties Wed 24-Jul-13 21:25:09

It's not just your decision about when to do away with nappies if your MIL spends two days a week changing them!

I think you sound a little bit PFB, and I say that in the nicest possible way, as I was a bit like that when my DS was young.

As others have said potty training can be hard work (it ain't called 'training' for nothing!) so I think you should take any help you can.

TimeofChange Wed 24-Jul-13 21:25:19

I think it's a really good time to do.

I'm older probably the same sort of age as your MIL.
30 years ago it was very unusual for 2.5 year olds to still be in nappies.
They started playgroup just before they were 3, but had to be toilet trained, so they were.

mynameisslimshady Wed 24-Jul-13 21:26:23

It would be different if she mentioned it and you said 'Absolutely not', but it sounds like you were a bit non committal and she thought she was doing you a favour.

ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 21:26:55

I think it is a bit harsh to say I Am being unreasonable - i know she is saving us lots of money etc etc, and I'm grateful she wants to help to do it when the time is right; however, part of potty training is about the parents being ready. I am not ready to train my toddler who is not ready even though she is.

Sarahlundismyhero Wed 24-Jul-13 21:27:17

I guess it depends on whether this is an isolated incident or has she done anything else to piss you off before. TBH I would accept the help and the support of your MIL and try and be pleased she is kicking it off. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth !

SueDoku Wed 24-Jul-13 21:29:20

You can be livid if you really want to ruin what sounds like a good relationship between you and your MIL - one that brings huge benefits to you, your DS and your MIL - stop and ask yourself if you really want to do this?

If your DS is not ready for training, it's not you who will have to deal with the results wink

I'd leave it a couple of weeks - then see what your MIL says. She might be heartily fed up by then - but on the other hand, you might have a fully potty trained DS smile

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Wed 24-Jul-13 21:30:46

Given his age and the fact that she looks after him twice a week then I would be more pleased than livid. If he isn't ready then it will become apparent within a week. I think it's pretty marvellous that she is willing to do it tbh.

Buchanon08 Wed 24-Jul-13 21:32:13

Whether your son is ready or not, your MIL cannot potty train him for only 2 days a week. It requires consistency so certainly shouldn't be started without your commitment to it too. However it sounds like she means no harm and just wants to help. I do understand your annoyance though! Maybe give it a few days if you're feeling up to it and see how it goes and then be clear to your MIL next time she has him what you've decided?

ReallyTired Wed 24-Jul-13 21:32:39

I can understand why you feel livid that your mother in law has made the decision to attempt potty training. However it may well be that your son is ready. Two and half years old is not that ridicolously young to attempt potty training.

"He did like his pants but peed all over the floor immediately when I got him home. Bless him, he helped me mop it up!"

At least he realises that he has had an accident. He may well be ready for potty training.

I suggest you persist now that your MIL has started for at least two weeks. We have glorious weather at the moment and if he plays outside then you avoid wee on the carpet. If after two weeks your son still has no clue about the potty then I would go back to nappies.

redskyatnight Wed 24-Jul-13 21:35:20

If your DS is not ready, then he won't potty train and your MiL will give up.
Incidentally, what makes you think he isn't? And how did MiL get on?

AnnabelleLee Wed 24-Jul-13 21:37:20

YABU. If you want a carer that does everything precisely your way, you need to pay for it. She did you a favour.

ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 21:37:31

I wouldn't ever tell Mil I was cross about it, I know she wants to bring him on for the reasons TimeofChange mentioned and has his interests at heart. I still stick to my guns that it is the parents decision when to bite the bullet. I am not an ungrateful DIL or anything like that, quite the contrary.
SueDoku, we will have to deal with the consequences too if we go full throttle. I am not keen to start something then go back to nappies- I want to be in a Position never to look back! DS has a speech delay and wouldn't verbalise poo or pee!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Wed 24-Jul-13 21:41:11

They don't need to verbalise. My pfb refused a nappy at about 20 months and had very few words. My other ds wasn't trained until 3.5 but he has speech delay too and could barely say mama.

MamaBear17 Wed 24-Jul-13 21:43:31

I would be annoyed. I know your MIL is providing free childcare, but that doesn't then mean that she gets to start potty training when she wants to. My dd goes to nursery and they follow the parents lead on practically everything. For example, my DD was very fussy with food when she first started. The nursery asked me what I wanted them to do if she refused to eat and then followed those instructions. I knew that it was DD being fussy because she ate similar things at home so I asked them to persevere with offering the food and not to make a big deal if she didnt eat it. They did, and now she eats really well at nursery. I know you arent paying her, but, in my opinion, you are the parent and the grandparents should follow your lead on everything. I think you should say something, but in a gentle way. Next time you drop him off I would be tempted to say 'we have decided to leave him in nappies for a while because he isnt ready yet, so there are plenty of nappies in the bag for you' and leave it at that.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 24-Jul-13 21:44:41

If MIL is only looking after the OP's ds for two days a week it is not just her who will be cleaning up the mess.

I don't see that it is anyone's decision but the PARENTS to decide when to potty train. Some children are ready early, but some are not.

I do think that accepting childcare from someone doesn't really give them the right to make decisions like this.

hamab Wed 24-Jul-13 21:51:01

I think it should be your decision and she's overstepped the mark. A nursery wouldn't initiate it without your say so.

This happened to me. I was quite annoyed, but I think I didn't really realise that potty type activities can be quite a gradual build up, you aren't generally looking at a do or die scenario. I still got to buy dd the NICE knickers and declare the start day and buy the chocolate buttons when I was ready. It was fine.

DontmindifIdo Wed 24-Jul-13 21:53:49

do you feel like now she's started it, you're now forced to go with it? Because if so, YANBU - it's not her decision to make. Also, if she does decide she's going to train on her days and you don't do the same, then it'll be confusing for your DS, one of the big things that everyone (potty training books, nursery, other mums) repeated to me was you have to be consistant - nappies one day, pants the next is just confusing and counter productive. So if she's trying to force your hand, then it's really not on.

Also what matters is not 'is it summer' or 'is it a good time given there's no play group', but is your DS ready? I felt forced into it last summer as DS was also 2.5 years. He wasn't ready, I knew that really but went with it as family were pressuring, I had some time off, it was sunny so he could run around with no pants on (expect he didn't, he ran into the house and we still got wee on the floor), a year on and he's still not 100% dry. I wish I'd waited a little longer and done it when he was ready, not just when it suited me.

ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 21:55:15

Thanks to all who replied to me. There is some really good advice in the replies.

Sirzy Wed 24-Jul-13 21:56:27

How did he cope all day wearing them?

I would be miffed but if he coped well then fantastic!

girliefriend Wed 24-Jul-13 21:56:45

yabu but I can understand why you are annoyed wink

He is your son and you want to make these decisions however in what way to do you think your ds is not ready?

Why not just go with it, if he really isn't ready you will know pretty soon and if he is - great!!

EverybodysStressyEyed Wed 24-Jul-13 21:57:19

Ds' nursery told me to train him because he was ready. He had just turned two an I wasn't ready.

But I did and thy were right and he was dry in three days.

Give him a chance. You may find he surprises you (but not your mil!)

CheungFun Wed 24-Jul-13 21:58:07

I would be annoyed in this situation as now she's started potty training you've got to continue it as otherwise your DS might get confused. She should have spoken with you first and you could have both come up with a plan together!

Whatever people might say, this is a decision to be made by the primary carer - the MIL is not that person. Doesn't matter if it's "helpful", still not her decision.

A nursery or CM wouldn't do it without mum/dad say so so why should she?

ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 21:59:54

Yes yes to people who say give it a couple of weeks. Nothing lost nothing gained! Still annoyed though!

ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 22:00:27

Nothing ventured I meant to say!

Kiwiinkits Wed 24-Jul-13 22:00:48

She might be overstepping the mark (and I understand your hmm reaction) but I think she's probably right, TBH. Why do you want him in nappies? Nappies are gross, especially in summer. All sweaty and plastic. Let him be bare bummed! What's to lose?
So, overall, YABU. 2.5 is actually pretty old to be starting potty training (around here anyway).

Bunbaker Wed 24-Jul-13 22:07:14

"AIBU to be livid about this?!"

Sorry, but yes. If your MIL is looking after him 2 days a week I think she has a right to help potty train him. Besides, potty training is a pain and you should be thankful that your MIL is sharing the burden with you.

"Still annoyed though!"

Why? Is it a "milestone" that you don't want to miss?

ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 22:10:16

No I am annoyed she took the initiative away from me to do it. I am his mum and it is my right to make these choices. Would you expect a secondary career to take your baby for first haircut or wean him without consulting you?

DuelingFanjo Wed 24-Jul-13 22:12:13

I felt like this when the nursery started trying out my ds with pants. Three months later and he's still not asking for the potty. Everyone has said stop and try again later. I feel loathe to because we have come so far but I still feel annoyed that I was kind of pressured into it. So I feel your pain.

Maybe you can just tell her that you are waiting longer.

DuelingFanjo Wed 24-Jul-13 22:14:06

And I can totally understand you not wanting to start something and then have to stop.

ThePrinceofCambridge Wed 24-Jul-13 22:14:07

Defiantly not being unreasonable. You should have the final say on when and how things occur.

Its a problem with MILS anyway let alone ones who have so much contact as yours does.

Of course, I speak from experience! We had always let our DD guide us when she was ready to do things, as she herself developed, Mil of course wanted to push and rush and take charge.

However as other posters said, I wasn't 100% sure about what I was doing, I loathe the woman but DD did do a crap on her precious floor, so that was karma I guess. She did bring her along a little. Then we did loads of gentle ground work and then she had her once and said she did it all!

I would see how your son goes with it, if your happy to have him in nappies and he doesn't get the training in a week, two weeks, ie very few accidents then its too early!

Can you just have a nice chat with her about wanting the final say, in a nice way that wont hurt her feelings, this is a trickle, if you dont stop it - you will be fighting off Niagra soon with the liberties.

marriedinwhiteagain Wed 24-Jul-13 22:14:29

Just humour her and do what you want when he's with you. If it works it works; if it doesn't you are right and no need to rub it in. He will be potty trained when he's ready to be potty trained. Remembers trying withDS all through the long warm summer years and years ago - started, stopped, gave up; listened to all my friends telling me theirs were trained and felt inadequate. At 2.8 DS announced "no pants". He was ready; it was autumn. He never had an accident after that. All those potty trained toddlers still had to have three changes of trousers every day at turned three.

Just humour her - she provides cheap, loving, caring childcare.

Ginger4justice Wed 24-Jul-13 22:14:37

Just because your MIL looks after your DS does not mean she gets the final say on major parenting decisions!
It's completely ridiculous to say you have to put up with everything just because it saves you money. <bugbear>
Like all relationships it's about respect and understanding. I respect and trust my MIL so I don't pick her up on things I would if she was a nanny or CM. She feeds my DD pombears and fruitshoots and mostly breadsticks and cheese. She turns the tv on all day and never worries about nap times and things. That's ok.
But if she did this I would be pissed. I wouldn't show her I was angry I would forgive but I would say, 'I don't think he's ready, we'll try again another time' next time I saw her. And if she ignored me I would ask my DH to communicate my annoyance to her. Like he did when she took DD to get her first pair of shoes fitted.

ThePrinceofCambridge Wed 24-Jul-13 22:15:43

BTW my mil was asking and obsessed with training since two years along with her learning the piano.

She picked it up in about two weeks, with only a very few accidents from 3 and half.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Wed 24-Jul-13 22:16:22

Livid is a bit OTT but I'd be annoyed she just went ahead and did it without consulting either parent first especially as you has said you weren't sure he's ready. I do think its important they're ready for it. My DD wasn't in knickers til she was 2.8 years and was fine from the off. handful of accidents in the first week and that was it, bar once in a blue moon. I dont think she'd have been successful if I'd pushed her before that when she wasn't ready.

MagicHouse Wed 24-Jul-13 22:19:00

I can understand about being annoyed the decision was taken out of your hands, but in the case of potty training I think it's brilliant when someone else does the hard work. Have to say my lovely childminder probably did most of it for both my dd and ds. They got the hang of it in a couple of days (left it til late with both though) at hers :-) I think I would just let her get on with it - if he really did spend the day in pants, then it sounds like he's ready.

LingDiLong Wed 24-Jul-13 22:19:57

I also think 'livid' is a bit strong but I'd be a bit pissed off too. If you don't think he's ready then just put him back in nappies before you leave her house. Let her do what she likes while he's there and you do what you like when you leave! Potty training doesn't actually have to be 'all or nothing' and some nappy free time before you properly train can be helpful.

ihearsounds Wed 24-Jul-13 22:20:07

What makes you say that he isn't ready yet, aside from communication?
I wasn't ready for any of my dc's to toilet train, but they was, which in hindsight was the important thing.

DuelingFanjo Wed 24-Jul-13 22:20:56

Bollox is this a problem with MILs in general. It's a problem with this person who happens to be the op's MIL and the OP seems to like her very much.

Nor should the op humour her. It is confusing for a toddler to be expected to wear pants in one setting and nappies in another. The OP should decide what she wants and explain it to the career, which I didn't do with the nursery because I am a fool.

ThePrinceofCambridge Wed 24-Jul-13 22:23:48

Over stepping boundaries is a common mil problem.

Theironfistofarkus Wed 24-Jul-13 22:25:15

Your child, your decision. Mil was probably trying to be kind but I would want to make the decision myself too.

DuelingFanjo Wed 24-Jul-13 22:27:06

It clearly this isn't just restricted to MILs. Look, I love a good mother in law bashing thread as much as the next person but this is about the issue not the mil.

catkind Wed 24-Jul-13 22:33:32

YANBU at all. It's up to you how and when you want to PT, and MIL doing her own thing at her own time could at worst royally screw it up, at best isn't really going to help because it won't be consistent with the days he's with you.

Emilythornesbff Wed 24-Jul-13 22:33:58

I don't think you are b u. I would feel miffed in your position.
And I fucking hate the term"PFB"
Your MIL is providing childcare which is great and I'm sure you see how lucky you are to have that (bla bla bla) but a decision about coming out of pants shouldn't be made unilaterally by her IMHO.
But maybe it's better to go with the flow a bit now that he's started.
Is it possible that She misinterpreted the conversation you had and thought it was all good to go?

threestars Wed 24-Jul-13 22:39:57

Really not. She doesn't necessarily know your plans for the next week or so (and neither does she need to know) and for potty training you have to dedicate yourself to it for a few days. She has determined when it takes place, not you and I would be fed up too.
I have a MIL who has helped out alot with childcare (as well as my own mother, who would never consider taking anything into her own hands). She often oversteps the mark as to what is a grandmother's role and what is a mother's role yet in anyone else's eyes she is marvellous - and she has often told my friends how run off her feet she is by looking after my children (when she has requested to pick them up and not because I've asked her!).
Can you tell I was about to post a new thread on AIBU? grin
Anyhow, unfortunately in these situations you often have to simmer and accept, but in future when any of these milestones are mentioned, I would suggest you be completely clear that it is YOUR responsibility and decision, not her's, so if she oversteps the mark you can tell her.

MerylStrop Wed 24-Jul-13 22:45:10

YABU, you don't have to follow through.
It isn't a magic moment, or something that you can only try to do once.
Let him fanny around in pants at her house and wee on her floor. If he starts getting somewhere, great, if not, no worries.
"she was just trying him to see how he got on with it" . See no problem with that at all!
(jaded parent of three)

wispawoman Thu 25-Jul-13 17:23:13

I seem to remember that 20+ years ago most children were potty trained around the 2 mark (unless SN). However that might be because nappy buckets were revolting and we couldn't wait to be free of them. My eldest took a week of bribing with sweets alongside my best friend's child (we booked out a week to stay round the house and train!) My second took about a day at just over 2. Have children changed that much? After that very few accidents - night time came later. I sometimes wonder if leaving it so late makes it more of an issue for both mum and child.

MrsSparkles Thu 25-Jul-13 17:28:01

Livid might be a little much. My mum decided to start potty training my DD (at 2.5), and she's done brilliantly. It was v inconvenient as we were moving house and didn't have a washing machine, but she was obviously ready

I agree just let him potter around - no pressure and see how it goes.

Jinty64 Thu 25-Jul-13 17:51:25

YANBU I would be annoyed too. Buy some terry towelling trainer pants to use at home. He will still feel wet but less pee on the carpet etc and give it a couple of weeks. If it doesn't work go back to nappies and tell MIL you will let her know when you are ready to try again.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Thu 25-Jul-13 17:55:57

YANBU, she overstepped. I would just say he's not ready. The fact she is helping with child care doesn't give someone the right to overstep normal boundaries.

I would be polite but very clear. Her response will tell you whether it was a kindhearted misguided attempt to help or the start of serious MIL issues.

FirstStopCafe Thu 25-Jul-13 17:55:59

Yes she has him twice a week but he is with you more often. She can't potty train him in one day can she? Youneed to be in agreement as I can't imagine inconsistency helps.

maddening Thu 25-Jul-13 18:00:08

Yanbu - as the PT process requires consistency and you are the one doing it 5/7 of the time and 7/7 evenings - she can't arbitrarily decide you are doing it - really you may want to plan that week or two - eg no big trips out, when you are all home etc.

diddl Thu 25-Jul-13 18:06:30

How is MIL doing the "hard work" when she has him two days a week compared to OPs 5?

It#s not much use if all the adults aren't on board!

diddl Thu 25-Jul-13 18:12:52

When is he usually at playgroup, & who will have him in those times?

wonderingsoul Thu 25-Jul-13 18:14:06

i think livid is a bit harsh.
you didnt say a flat out no.. to me the conversation was just thinking out lolud with no real answer or plan

i also think it depends how she did it, did she make him sit on it every 30 minutes or so? if so thats bit more full on.

how ever, if she just let him wear the pants, with a potty in veiw then its not really training just allowing him to do what he likes.
which for what its worth i think is the best way. both of mine where allowed no nappy on at home , they liekd sitting on it and soon relized if they did any thing on it they got prais but if they had an accideant it was.. opps lets clean it up. no fuss and they pretty much train them selfs.

nannynewo Thu 25-Jul-13 20:08:02

You need to make sure you do it when he is ready. But perhaps your MIL thought he seemed ready to be trained now which is why she bought him the pants. It sounds to me like you are the one who isn't ready rather than him. I could probably be totally wrong though.

I know that a lot of children are able to start pre school around here around 3 and have to be out of nappies. so may be worth testing him soon.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 25-Jul-13 20:20:47

He is 2.5. YABU!

elspethmcgillicuddy Thu 25-Jul-13 20:46:37

My mum did this the week after I brought home dd from hospital shock. DS was 2.8 and I wasn't ready. I felt I had enough on my plate. He, however was ready. It was an absolute doddle and I was actually really grateful to my mum for kicking me into gear. Good luck!

catkind Thu 25-Jul-13 20:47:26

I don't think it matters if OP's son is ready to train, it's still totally out of order for GPs to unilaterally start. The parents may have wanted to use a particular method. They may have wanted to prepare child by talking about it first. They may have wanted to go out and buy first pants together as a nice milestone motivational thing.

1944girl Thu 25-Jul-13 21:30:16

*Time ofchange*I am throughly(sp) with you!.
I am a grandmother and had both of mine out of nappies just after they were 2.We used terry nappies then which had to be washed and dried daily so you did your best to get children potty trained quickly.
I do believe it is a generational thing though.My own mother, who had five children from the mid 1940s to 50s, boasted to me that we were all out of nappies by 18 months and told me I was lazy by leaving it to 2 years.

MissDuke Thu 25-Jul-13 21:36:16

I would have felt like this with my first child. However, now I have my 3rd - I would literally pay someone to do it for me!

Iheartcustardcreams Thu 25-Jul-13 21:47:59

I think it's a generation thing. My dad started training ds1 when he was 2.4. Kept telling me he was two and shouldn't be in nappies, it annoyed me but I let him do it on the days he had him. He got it pretty quickly but I agree you have to be ready. I did ds2 at the same age and if anyone wants to do ds3 they are more than welcome.....

On the other side my mum put ds1 back in nappies after he was fully trained because he had a couple of accidents with her, this annoyed me much more!!

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Thu 25-Jul-13 21:56:24

Honestly, just be thankful; summer is a good time and most nurseries want them out of nappies by 2yrs 9 mths.

Not worth falling out over.

Twattybollocks Thu 25-Jul-13 21:59:14

Yab a bit u. Yes it is your decision to make ultimately, and she probably should have checked with you first, but in the grand scheme of things it won't hurt him and at least you don't have to do it. Speaking of which does she want to do my dd in a couple of years?

ODearMe Thu 25-Jul-13 22:17:58

Have spoken to MIL and told her I that I realise it is coming to the time where we need to go for it but it is important that all involved are fully on board and singing from the same hymn sheet.
Have decided to start proper training on Tuesday of next week as we have a lot of commitments over the weekend which would disrupt the training.
Thanks again all for support and advice.

Greensleeves Thu 25-Jul-13 22:27:51

My (misanthropic, jaundiced) instinct would suggest watching her methods and manner, if you do let her go ahead with training him. Sometimes people from the "mine were all dry at 12 months" tradition also favour a more severe style of training.

Personally I think there's no hurry. If you don't think he's ready, tell her to pack it in.

Xihha Thu 25-Jul-13 22:40:36

I can see why you are annoyed but I would really love someone else to have potty trained mine, I hated potty training! If he did fairly well today then personally I would carry it on as stopping and starting potty training could be confusing for him.

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 07:13:53

But MILs hardly training for OP, is she??

OP has to do the majority!

Me, if she wants to play hunt the poo for the next few weeks leave her to get on with it !

BTW op, my non verbal, niece who is Autistic was potty trained aged 2, his speech delay should affect anything .

SpiderCharlotte Fri 26-Jul-13 08:06:32

YANBU. I think she overstepped the mark. A pp said that as she looks after him 2 days a week she has 'the right' to start potty training him but I couldn't disagree more. If he was with a child minder would they have the 'right'. Just because she is his grandmother doesn't mean you don't get to parent how you want. Having said all that now that she's started I don't see how you can't follow through to make things easier for your DS. He may be fine so fingers crossed.

lemonluscious Fri 26-Jul-13 09:43:07

YANBU. I would be very upset. As a parent you should have first dibs and final say on what your child does and when. I get very, very upset when MIL's undermine new mums.

DuelingFanjo Fri 26-Jul-13 10:13:54

the thing is, MIL only has the OP's DS for a couple of days a week. If the OP doesn't want to potty train (I know she's since come back saying they will start next week) then surely that's confusing for a child to be training and in pants twice a week and in nappies the rest of the time.

coraltoes Fri 26-Jul-13 10:21:05

we didn potty training recently. It requires the child being totally ready. Not being ready can result in them freaking out, refusing to use the potty and with-holding #1 and can be really quite destructive. Just because it is summer, or because the timing suits an adult is not reason to kick it off.

My DD was ready, we started with a potty at bath-time so she could get used to it, try it out, sit on it etc. then after a couple of weeks of familiarisation we spoke about buying pants, went to the shop together to choose and discussed it really quite in depth (her language is pretty advanced). it took 4 days to crack the back of it, and maybe 7 in total before totally confident. She now will tell me when she needs the potty, and i do think you need to be able to communicate it if you're out an about otherwise mum/dad hasnt got a chance to get them sat down in time!

DuelingFanjo Fri 26-Jul-13 10:26:01

coraltoes - it's interesting you say that. My DS has been 'potty training' since April and STILL doesn't routinely ask me for a wee, though he does most of his poos in the potty. His nursery kicked it off and I decided to go with it but it's been a really long process. He's not witholding wees and will sit on the potty but he still has accidents sometimes. I am loathe to stop though, hopefully I am not damaging him.

I always wondered about ECing, surely ECing is pretty much just an extended form of potty training - does that cause problems with an aversion to the potty or holding in wee?

ThePowerof3 Fri 26-Jul-13 10:35:16

My MIL said she started potty training at 6 months and my SIL started hers off at age 1, she was so pushy with it her DS was still in nappies at 4 and couldn't cope with the pressure

3littlefrogs Fri 26-Jul-13 10:48:42

I would let her give it a go and see how she gets on.
She has the time and patience to do it, and IME 2 and a half is just about right. Plus the weather is ideal for it.

TroublesomeEx Fri 26-Jul-13 10:53:04

I always find it odd on here when people justify grandparents going against the parents wishes on the basis that the grandparents are providing childcare.

Yes they are providing childcare, but they are not the parents, and the parenting decisions should always remain with the parents.

I used a childminder and a nursery, not being fortunate enough to have parents/ILs who would or could look after them, but that wouldn't give them the right to override my decisions as a parent - whether they agreed with them or not.

whatever5 Fri 26-Jul-13 10:54:39

I don't think that it's unreasonable for you MIL to try potty training if your DS is 2.5 and she looks after him for 2 days a week.

With both my dds, potty training was initiated by the nursery. With dd2 they didn't even ask, they just said that they had left her without a nappy that day and it had been fine so the next day could I bring in several spare pairs of knickers. I don't remember being annoyed although a bit surprised (she was 2 years two months)! She was potty trained by the end of the week.

You can't know if he is "ready" if you haven't tried it. It won't do any harm to try to potty train for a week. You can always go back to nappies for a while if it doesn't seem to be working. Your MIL is right about it being easier to do in the summer.

3littlefrogs Fri 26-Jul-13 10:55:45

I honestly think the most important thing is to be relaxed about it.
People seem to get so stressed and uptight about all manner of things these days.

It is a normal stage of development and so much easier if they can be outside in the garden for most of the time. Even if they wee on their feet, they can make the connection between the sensation and the result that much quicker.

Modern nappies are so dry and comfortable, I think they don't notice being wet so much.

It will probably be fine.

You are lucky to have a nice MIL. Mine was horrid. sad

ThePowerof3 Fri 26-Jul-13 10:56:01

It is difficult though as you are paying a childminder/nursery, if your PiLs/parents are kind enough to provide free childcare it makes it totally different and a very fine balance but on this occasion I think MIL should abide by the mothers decision as she knows when her DS is ready and potty training shouldn't be rushed

NoonarAgain Fri 26-Jul-13 10:56:17

I'd be really annoyed of. It's the principle of the thing. You're the parent. Your decision. My mil decided it was ok to feed my 2yo, then vegetarian, bacon!

NoonarAgain Fri 26-Jul-13 10:56:34


IsleOfIslay Fri 26-Jul-13 11:00:27

I think I would be quite annoyed tbh. It's your child therefor your decision. Nothing wrong with your MIL giving you advise of helping when you have actually started potty training but to decide herself it's time to start is a bit pushy and meddling I think. Although I'm sure she meant it with her best interests and probably thought she was doing you a favour. Don't let it ruin your relationship with her though it's not worth that

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 26-Jul-13 11:01:58

I would be delighted, personally.

Potty training is my absolute nemesis and I loathe it. If someone else would take the lead and be prepared to deal with the clearing up for a couple of days a week I would be so, so over the moon.

And I absolutely agree that now is the time, over the summer and with a break from playgroup.
I should have trained DS1 the summer he turned two, and I didn't because I thought he wasn't ready. We missed the boat and have had a proper time over it, he still has 'poo issues' and he's been at school a year.

DS2 is 2.3 and we are training him this summer.

willyoulistentome Fri 26-Jul-13 11:03:17

I don't think you are unreasonable to be annoyed. YOU are his Mum. SHE is not. How often she looks after him is beside the point. IMO she does not get to make decisions like that just because she is giving you free child care. She can suggest it, she can ask you.. but it's YOUR decision. You should not be presented with a 'fait accompli'.

(Really gets my goat - My Mum used to do thigs like that all the time!!)

3littlefrogs Fri 26-Jul-13 11:05:00

But you did discuss it and agreed about the timings. You said you didn't think he was ready - she probably thought giving it a try would be the way to find out if he was ready or not.

I don't think your MIL deliberately set out to undermine you - she probably misunderstood and thought you were ok with giving it a go.

I really wouldn't fall out with her over it. I certainly wouldn't be livid. Slightly perturbed perhaps.

My MIL almost killed my ds (twice) and almost set my house on fire once. She did much more besides, but that is a whole other story.

brdgrl Fri 26-Jul-13 11:10:07

I always find it odd on here when people justify grandparents going against the parents wishes on the basis that the grandparents are providing childcare. Yes they are providing childcare, but they are not the parents, and the parenting decisions should always remain with the parents.


And YANBU to want to potty-train on your schedule (and DSs) and using the methods that you choose.

ThePowerof3 Fri 26-Jul-13 11:28:51

That's a deal breaker NoonarAgain, no one has the right to do that

whatever5 Fri 26-Jul-13 11:30:54

I think that people are being ridiculously uptight about this. What is the problem with the MIL letting the child wear pants all day??? What harm would it do? She was being nice.

The MIL has potty trained before and looks after the child two days a week so probably has a good idea about whether or not he might be ready (more idea than the OP if she has never potty trained).

I wasn't annoyed when the nursery did this with DD2 so my opinion is not based on the fact the MIL provides free childcare.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 26-Jul-13 11:30:56

it would be equally aanoying hichever grandparernt kicked off the potty training. it is easier to tell your mum to stop interfering without spoiling the relationship. get you h to sy something and make sure he says WE don't think he is ready, rather than odear does not think he is ready.

DuelingFanjo Fri 26-Jul-13 11:36:22

maybe we'll see a thread from her MIL on here saying 'am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with my DIL over the potty training of my grandson? I have started putting him in pants when he is with me (2 days a week) because I think he is ready. DIL has told me that she wants to wait a bit longer but I have decided to go ahead anyway. Thing is she is putting him in nappies the other five days a week and it's making the 2 days at my house really hard'.

That would be good wouldn't it?

whatever5 Fri 26-Jul-13 12:15:35

DuelingFanjo- I doubt that the MIL would complain if her DIL decided to keep him in nappies though (as long as DIL paid for them).

The DIL said that she didn't think he wasn't ready for potty training although it's hard to see how she could know that if she has never tried and has no experience of potty training. MIL was just testing to see if the the child was ready which was nice of her considering that she may have ended up doing a lot of cleaning that day. I can't see that the MIL has done any harm.

MerylStrop Fri 26-Jul-13 12:20:55

MIL's put him in some pants to tootle around.
She hasn't FORCED anyone to do anything, nor insisted potty training happens NOW. This is hardly making a fundamental decision or overstepping her role as part time carer and grandparent.
Fortunately the OP has the grace to realise that is all that has happened, and that it is no big wow.

MerylStrop Fri 26-Jul-13 12:23:04

It's bugger all like feeding a vegetarian bacon. Nobody's moral or ethical positions have been compromised. Though that would be mightily out of order.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Fri 26-Jul-13 12:43:42

I don't think it's your MIL's decision to make and the fact she provides childcare doesn't give her license to decide something like this.

What does your DP think about it all?

ODearMe Fri 26-Jul-13 17:35:51

Dh thinks she means well but it is not her decision. He did tell her this in the nicest possible way too!

Wibblypiglikesbananas Fri 26-Jul-13 23:07:03

Well, it's good he's backing you. How have things been left?

ODearMe Fri 26-Jul-13 23:23:01

We will give it a shot next week when we don't have any commitments

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now