To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?(173 Posts)
I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.
Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.
Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.
The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.
Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?
I would tell 'Rose' to fuck off to the far side etc.
Stop being so nice - honestly.
I think you need to have a few polite rehearsed phrases to say -- not to Rose -- but to the other person who she's volunteering YOU to help. And then you need to have a blunt but polite few things to say to your "friend" Rose.
Such as "Rose, I would appreciate it if you did not volunteer my things/house/dress/time without consulting me first."
And then take her number out of your address book. She is no friend of yours -- she is passive-aggressive nasty. Or deranged.
I really feel for you, OP. You sound nice, but at the end of your tether.
Rose is a bit of a fuckhead, isn't she?
Volunteer her to feed someone's cat in Siberia. That should get rid of her.
I think both your 'friends' have an enormous cheek , presumably if its raining on the day of the party they would just move it inside your house !absolutely unbelievable . I think you really need to just tell 'rose' exactly how you feel , that should get rid of her .
I agree with magimedi
Start asking Rose to do things for you that are totally out of order, she'll soon understand.
And learn to say no (practice makes perfect )
I think Rose needs reminding that real friends don't keep dumping other friends in the shit....
Rose needs to fuck the fuck off
You need to lose Rose - the sooner the better.
People can only walk all over you, if you allow them to. Any person who makes you feel bad and guilty for not wanting to be used, is not a friend and you will be far happier dropping them from a great height.
I hate it when people volunteer others for favours - it is so rude and i would refuse on principle.
I don't think anyone would put up with this. Stand your ground.
I think you need to tell her to stop volunteering your time/home/stuff. You need to tell her that every time she does, you will say no, and make sure you follow through on that. You also need to stop answering phone calls/emails/texts/your doorbell during your working day and not socialising when she asks you to.
After a couple of months of this, see if she still wants to be your friend. If she doesn't, no loss. If she does, see if the message has gone in and renegotiate.
OR just tell her to feck off.
I would tell her to fuck off as well and keep repeating it until she gets the message.
You're being walked all over by all of them. I would bin them all off.. It's most satisfying when you do it.
Send her the link to this thread
Is it possible to just completely ignore her of do you see her often?
Bloody hell! Cheeky cow. I would just say no and drop Rose right in it by saying ' oh Rose never said a word to me'. Stuff them both.
And complain to people in RL, so gossip gets around about her - if people start.mockingly saying, "Careful Rose doesn't spot your x; she'll be lending it out to everyone she can think of!" she may, just may, stop it!
I can't believe you loaned the dress out!
Have you ever "had words" with Rose? You need to.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, OP.
You are a mug. Just say no to them.
Rose is a tosspot, and you don't need her. She's making use of you. Seems like a contril freak. Tell her to fuck off.
How about something along the lines of
"rose, I have been thinking about the situation with X's husband's 50th. It put me in a difficult situation, but it is not OK to volunteer someone to host a party without consulting them, and it is not the first time you have volunteered my things or my time without asking me first. I want you to stop doing this, as every time from now I will refuse and explain that this is a pattern of your behaviour I am not going along with any more. If I am able to help friends I will offer to do so, I don't need you to do it for me"
I would not speak to rose anymore.
She isn't your friend.
Neither is party woman who ought to have realised what a ridiculous imposition the party is.
I wouldn't have lent the dress either.
Or fed the cat.
I hate Rose. You've been too nice for too long.
Rosie is a twat. I had a Rosie in my life once who did exactly the same sort of things, right down to the planning of the party at my house. I tried to talk to her about our problems, but she just wouldn't listen and kept brushing me off. So I stopped answering the phone to her. I haven't seen her for over 7 years. My life is much better for it.
ENormaSnob & themaltese - classic commentary.
I am baffled actually that all these other people go along with it... if someone volunteered a massive favour my way the first thing I'd do would be to say 'Gosh are you sure - have you asked her?' or 'Oh, thanks for letting me know - I'll check with her.'
I would just have a quiet word with her before it becomes even more customary as it currently appears to be.
I am personally seething about your dress. Everything else is shite too, but that one I would feel especially wounded by.
You aren't alone with the freeloading by the way - my DM recently said 'I'm fed up of going to X&Y's house for an event on behalf of the Z's'. But at least X&Y seem happy with the arrangement.
get shot of Rose now, she's not your friend, she sounds more like an irritating parasite.
Sounds like an ex-friend of mine
I would just stop returning Rose's calls and phase her out.
As for: "now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans."
I think you need to speak to the friend. "Look, about the party. I know you spent a lot of time planning but it is completely impossible for you to hold your party in my house. Rose knew that, but she still told you it would be OK - but it wasn't. Then she didn't tell me what you two were planning at all until you had spent two weeks planning it. I expect you thought she had told me or that I had agreed but I didn't know anything about it. Seriously, if you found out that I had spent two weeks planning to have a party at YOUR house this weekend, and just sprung it on you this minute, would you be totally OK with it? Honestly? I am not blaming you at all but Rose should never have offered out MY house and garden without my knowledge. I am sorry for your disappointment, but it's just not possible."
Good God! "Rose" is NOT your friend (seems to me like she is really jealous of you & is doing all she can to get back at you) - nor is the one with the Birthday Husband!
I have never heard of such entitled, rude behaviour from "friends"
Tell them both to fuck off to the far side of Fuck, and when they get there fuck off some more.
Terrible Cunts, both of 'em
Wow, Rose is a real fucknugget.
Oo, yes what Balloon Slayer said as well
Why do you have to? You don't have to, you choose to. Don't confuse have with choose. You have to if there's a gun against your head, not if you fear someone's going to think you're unreasonable!
Sorry, no. I don't know why rose said you could borrow my new dress, it was very expensive and I haven't even worn it myself yet.
You are going to have to tell rose to stop and tell her firmly!
And to anyone who gets the arse on because you won't go along with whatever rose decides, just be incredulous.
I can't believe rose can volunteer me for something without even checking with me and you can have an attitude with ME. Frankly, I feel used by the pair of you.
If you make it clear to rose that you won't be agreeing, maybe shell stop.
Or bat everything back to her.
Sorry, no. But since rose suggested it, I bet shed be happy to loan you hers/have it at her place/look afterbitherself.
She sounds like one of these people who likes to be a friend to everyone without doing any work
I should add that Rose had cancer three years ago and was extremely ill. I feel, however, that this is now something she uses to emotionally blackmail people into doing her bidding. When I refused to go on holiday with her last year in the week before Christmas (how did she think it was reasonable for a mum of three who works full-time to go off to Germany the week before Christmas?), she actually used the words 'Is this how you treat a cancer victim? This could be my last Christmas?' I knew she was in the wrong but I still felt terrible (especially as she said this in front of other people).
I have tried to shake her off before - she gets deeply offended, goes off in a huff, screaming blue murder, but then rings me up a few weeks later asking for a favour. She is the Rasputin of friendship as she just won't go away. I don't think many people truly like her but she is a master manipulator.
Because shit grows, where that rosemary goes...
Can you lock access to your garden at the weekend so they can't get in?
That'd give them the message.
Cancer or not, she is a terrible person. Get rid and stay rid.
What Balloonslayer just suggested.
Rose is a total fruitloop. You need to object! The friend who borrowed your dress, could you not have said "Sorry, that does not work for me, I am sure Rose has many pretty dresses you can chose from"
Turn it back on her!
Say "Rose, why do you offer MY house, why not your own? It is not really on to offer up other peoples stuff, you know"
Think you said it yourself there..master manipulater.
Cease contact. If you dont talk to her she can't manipulate you. Ignore, ignore, ignore. She will probably involve others..so what? Anyone with sense will see she is unreasonable
Oh and deffo tell "friend" that you NEVER agreed to host her DH's party, Rose has gone ahead planning despite your refusal, and you will not be hosting it. DO NOT offer excuses, nor apologies, as she was rude enough to take it for granted that it was OK with you.
(TBH, I think they know that they can push you around)
Rose sounds like a fuckwit.
Why don't you suggest that they hold this 50th birtday party in her office and she can just hide under her desk and do her work like that?
Seriously, people should ask first and they have no right to be upset if they don't. It seems as though Rose doesn't understand this simple concept. You might need to spell it out clearly, but in a tactful way.
at "Rasputin of friendship"
She's treating you like a walkover because she thinks you are one. Stop acting like a walkover and see if she still wants to be your friend.
Anyone that uses their having cancer as a bargaining tool is not worth bothering with.
Tell Rose to fuck herself.
I know several people who have had cancer and are still lovely and normal.
The reason she keeps coming back is she knows she can walk all over you. YANBU to tell Rose to fuck off and stop volunteering you for things you don't want to do. And stop saying yes - you didn't have to lend your dress to anyone, you chose to. You can only be treated badly if you allow yourself to be. Take back the control in this relationship and call her out on her outrageous behaviour.
It sounds like a children's book.
Let me think what happens next:
Then one day the king said " I need me a wife"
Don't worry, said Rose, i have a friend with plenty of time to find you a wife.
When the king met Gianthaystacks he no longer thought about finding a wife, he had already found her!
Haystacks and the King lived happily ever after, until one day they had to go to Tesco to buy more pombears. Who will look after our big white tiger?
Don't worry, said haystacks, I know just the person!
Sadly they forgot to feed the tiger and when Rose wandered in, he had her for dinner.
The king was shocked, but haystacks said " don't worry dear king, she had it coming all along"
Well rose is weird and def u need to cancel this toxic friendship.
But why do you agree? Seriously you are enabling this nasty woman! Bet nobody else treats you this way so why on earth have you given her the privilege?! Read your op back, do u not see that you are also allowing this?
email or phone the party friend and tell her you weren't asked and absolutely no way will you ever be allowing anyone except yourself to hold a party at your house.
tell her if she had really thought about it then commen sense would tell her that.
I would simply ignore Rose from now on. ignore phone / texts and emails and if she knocks on your door don't let her in and just tell her you are furious with her behaviour and the friendship is over.
be strong... she's a leach and you will be so relived when she's out of your life.
Just simply say No, I'm afraid that just simply isn't possible. Sorry. And then no more. I had a colleague once who did this at times. It really worked with pushy people. And then when they started the oh but's she'd say I'm afraid not.
She is barking mad! I'm so sorry for you about the dress - that is really awful. Has the woman actually borrowed it yet? If not, I'd be cancelling that. And the bbq is just ridiculous. How dare they plan a party in someone else's house?
The other friends are as bad, though. Who the hell do they think they are?
Illness happens to arseholes as well as good people. She sounds utterly manipulative and unpleasant.
I know of someone who offers my services when the person is standing right there. I have in the past said yes for fear of looking unreasonable but will now say point blank no.
Yanbu. Your friend is taking advantage of you.
Ok, let's practise.
<puts on piss taking hat>
What's that Bob? You need a kidney donor? GiantHaystacks has one she's not using!
What was wrong with Rose's garden, btw? Wasn't it suitable?
Does she ever volunteer herself?
You really need to prune Rose from your life.
I woukd like some more examples though.
The problem is I don't always agree to these things but Rose is always putting me in positions where, if I do stand up for myself, I end up looking unhelpful and selfish. I doubt if my other friend would have ever assumed she could use my garden for a party had Rose not put it into her mind.
Shaking her off fully is proving hard, no matter how blunt I am, as she is part of a wider circle of friends (most of whom I do like) and they seem determined to endure her presence as she has made them feel sorry for her.
If your "friend" sends someone to you again, send them right back to her "Oh, she must have meant that she would feed them, as she loves cats!"
"I never promised you a Rose garden,
So she shouldn't promise you a GiantHaystacks one either"
Hmm, doesn't really scan...
Your 'friend' sounds like an arse.
If you want to remain friends I would say, "Rose, I dont want to make you feel awkward, however, I'm a bit annoyed about what happened the other day. I thought you put me in a really uncomfortable position and I didn't appreciate it. In future please ask me before volunteering my home."
If you don't want to remain friends I would say, "Rose, I've decided to run a support group to stand up for the rights of paedophiles & murderers and I've volunteered your home. We meet every night for 3 hours. Oh and you need to provide food. Thanks love! Gianthaystacks xx
You need to embarrass the fuck out of this woman, so she won't dare risk anyone (people she wants to impress, remember) seeing her as unable to "provide", a tightarse, a shitty friend to others, and, basicslly, a fantasist.
You don't even have to be rude when denying the "favour": just look uncomprehemding and either deny knowing Rose, or look embarrassed and say, "Sorry she's done this. It happens a lot and is rather embarrassing, but she hasn't actually asked me." See? Gracious, non-confrontational, entirely sympathetic and totally off the hook!
Having cancer doesn't turn you into a twat.
Just tell her to fuck off, or just delete her from your phone and ignore her if you don't want to be so blunt. Otherwise I'll tell her to fuck off for you.
People like her make me really , but I'm also frustrated by people who let them get away with it. Be strong Gianthaystacks!
Where do all these people come from
Am lolling a bit at "'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress"
So what if you look unhelpful and selfish?
Practice your best outraged voice
I can't BELIEVE she would promise you that without talking to me!
friends will see that's unreasonable of her.
If all they can see if that you're not giving on demand then you have to ask if they're actually your friends.
Lol @ parmarella!
What's wrong with rose's house/garden?
> "Sorry she's done this. It happens a lot and is rather embarrassing, but she hasn't actually asked me."
^ RenterNomad puts it perfectly!
If you're worried about other people's reactions, then you could try laughing at her the next time she does it and changing the subject. Something along the lines of, 'Hey! if you want to loan out a wardrobe/house/organs why not offer your own!' Then a subject change.
I don't think your other friends think you are selfish and unhelpful, I think YOU feel you are because you are a people pleaser.
I imagine your friends are embarrassed and know what she's like.
if you still want to remain acquaintances with her just start taking the piss, so when anyone in the group asks a favour laugh and say Rose will do it.
honestly Haystacks doormats are just as irritating as rose seems.
This is totally worthy of this thread about outrageously cheeky people.
'"Sorry she's done this. It happens a lot and is rather embarrassing, but she hasn't actually asked me."'
This is EXACTLY it.
And then change your number and don't talk to her, beyond being civil, when your group of friends gets together.
There is a world of difference between being unhelpful and selfish, and a complete doormat!!!
Her behaviour is totally OUTRAGEOUS and the sooner you realise it, the better for you.
No REAL friend would behave like this, and no real friends would think for a moment that you were being selfish or unhelpful to refuse these demands. If they all do, then none of them are friends, you are just the butt of the group and they are all taking the piss.
Well, she is being unreasonable, but so are you in doing her bidding! As PPs have said, surely anyone expecting to host a party at your house would want to speak to you first and check it was actually ok, rather than trusting Rose the untrustworthy intermediary?!
I think part of your issue here is guilt. Big deal if she's offended if you won't do her a genuine favour, let alone a weird, contrived one like these sound to be.
Rose is not your friend. You owe her nothing. Do not be blackmailed into doing things you don't want to, end of.
Return the favour - if people mention that they're hard up, tell them Rose has got some cash she can lend them, offer her clothes to other friends. I bet that knocks it on the head fast. Does she have a swimming pool you can offer her neighbours use of?
The only way to make this stop is to tell Rose straight that she has no right to offer your services to anyone and that you no longer consider her a friend. She either doesn't think or she has a twisted sense of friendship. It is sad that she was seriously ill but she cannot hold that over you for a sympathy vote.
There is no appealing to a manipulator. You have to out-manipulate them.
I'd write to both Rose and party friend, and make it quite clear that you are absolutely disgusted that they (both) would take advantage of your good nature and general willingness to help by planning this party behind your back without asking you. Lay on the distress this has caused you and the violation of your personal boundaries, not to mention your professional ones (putting your deadline at jeopardy). Hopefully party friend will be embarrassed as hell and point the finger at Rose and justify her own involvement by telling everyone, "Rose made me do it, she said it was ok". Rose thereby exposed as nutjob. Divide and conquer.
Don't apologise, if you are "sorry" it makes you sound guilty, and you've no reason to be. I actually think sometimes in life you have to be a bit confrontational, unless you want people to take the piss time and time again.
As for the other "friends", dress borrower and party person. Well, I really would not want to borrow someone else's brand new dress, I wouldn't dream of asking them. Nor would I plan a massive party in someone else's gaff unless they'd been absolutely insistent about it. Are you sure Rose is the only problem?
What an arsepiece Rose is.
Y'know I think I'd quite enjoy making Rose look like a cunt.
" Rose said you could borrow my dress?? Whatever would she say that! Is she smoking something?"
" Rose said I wouldn't mind holding someone else's party? Whatever next? "
I used to have a friend like this. Drop her asap.
I think it might be time to cut Rose loose. I think the 3 things you have said are absolutely outrageous of her. is she as generous with her own stuff as she is with yours? I bet not. we don't choose family but we can choose our friends so you don't need to be stuck with her!
OP, perhaps you need some assertiveness training. Problem with letting people get away with this sort of shit is that one day you'll snap and then look like a mad bitch.
Re the dress - no way. Lending people clothes is something that I stopped doing in my teens.
How did Rose know about the dress? Perhaps it's also time to stop telling Rose about things you've bought, trips you're going on.
Parmarella, that is awesome
op please please come back and tell us you are going to sort out.
I actually feel too angry on your behalf to enjoy my wine!!!
she certainly is not your friend!
Rose is clearly a massive twat. I'd be so annoyed about that!!
You say to the people she promises your unreasonable help - Rose didn't ask me. If she had asked me first then I would have explained I can't help. She is not your friend.
There's an easy way to not agree with anything rose volunteers you for,even if she's doing it with you standing right next to her-laugh and say "ummm no I don't think so! Why don't you do it/lend it/host it Rose? You seem so keen on the idea and seeing as it was your idea perhaps you should be the one offering your own services/clothes/house/ect and not mine,its got nothing to do with me!"
And to phase her out just stop answering her calls,don't reply to her texts or facebook messages,don't answer the door to her and if you're worried about what your mutual friends will think then simply start bitching about her to them about her constantly volunteering you and your things without even asking you first and then go on to list as many examples of this behaviour as you can Simple!
"No, sorry Rose that is not convenient for me"
"No, sorry random person, that is not convinient fo me, it was rude of Rose to suggest that to you without checking with me first"
If in front of people - "Why would you suggest that to, random person, without asking me first Rose? You know how busy I am/how much I am saving that item for a special occasion/that is a made up family members imaginary funeral that day."
You just need to keep saying that to her every single time.
Ignore/smile and nod at every time when you can not avoid her.
I had a friend like this, she was a complete leach, it took me three years to get rid of her.
Being a bitch to these people doesn't work, but if you stop being useful eventually they will get bored and move on to a new victim.
And to those who say "rose said it was ok" simply turn it back on them and say "and you didn't think to check with me yourself? More fool you. Its not ok,it was never ok and rose never asked me in the first place. Perhaps you both need to learn some manners instead of just assuming I'm going to be happy to go along with everything and anything just because rose seems to think I should."
Tell Rose to fuck off. Seriously.
In this "wider circle of friends", how many others do you think are exasperated by her disgusting use of cancer as a fig leaf? Yet they don't dare say anything to you, as you've tolerated some pretty crazy things from her, so you must still love her, right? I bet you're not alone, you know!
You need to cut yourself ff from Rose, and keep saying no. She sounds god awful, and no way would I put up with that!
Too right Busicuit, that's exactly what op should say to people
Ditch the biatch.
Does anybody remember the year in the mid 90s when tight shiny pedal pushers were briefly in fash?
I went to a barbecue that summer and there was a massively piss taking bitch there. She was slim and good looking, and was obviously used to people saying yes to her every whim.
She came prancing out wearing those tight pedal pushers, and said 'look, Amanda has let me wear her new pedal pushers!' accompanied by a dance so calculated to look pretty she was practically flinging daisies. Plain Amanda looked glum.
She then sat cross legged in the grass, stretching out the knees and getting them ruined.
Eighteen years I can still feel the bile in my throat.
And how DARE she use her recent illness, no matter how awful it was, as a tool to manipulate people. That is beyond disgusting.
Wow! Rose is not your friend! Classic frenemy. She's sabotaging your life because she is envious of it/your house/dress/YOU.
Parmarella, PLEASE write The Book of Mumsnet Fables
Rose should fuck off.
I'm actually surprised at the friends of yours who think you're being unreasonable. These seem like massive favours. Even if someone offered me another friend's services, I wouldn't take it at all seriously until it had been mentioned by the doer of the favour. So I think your friends, as well as Rose, are unreasonable! Get rid!
"You're right I could just study in my bedroom but the truth is I don't want your husbands party at my house. Why don't you hire a room like everyone else and while youre at it fuck off"
My husband has cancer.
It is not, and never has been, a license to commit emotional blackmail.
Hate people like this. You did the right thing in standing up to her. If you have a large garden and a lovely friend had asked very nicely and it was convenient then that would be a different matter.
As everyone's said you need to drop Rose PDQ and only tolerate her when at group events. However, you also need to work hard on your own assertiveness. Anne Dickson's A Woman In Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You is a really good book - get it.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Op. im sorry but she's laughing at you. deep breath. rehearse what you want to say, then say it! good and loud. xx
'I have a friend, let's call her Rose...'
You don't. You know someone called Rose who is a user. As everyone else says, time for the old heave ho..
She's not your friend and no normal person would offer other people's clothes/time/house without asking, neither would any normal person feel entitled to your clothes/time/house because an attention seeker offers it. Cut her out, set strong boundaries and practice saying no to people. The broken record technique is very effective.
You have your chance now to get rid of batcrazy rose now OP. Confront her about the latest loaning of your house. As per previous she'll have a hissy fit and never talk to your again.
In the usual 3 weeks time when she comes sniffing round again, don't engage with her. Block on facebook, dont answer messages
hide behind the sofa - basically whatever it takes to not allow her back into your life.
You need to free yourself from La Vie En Rose immediatement!
Seriously if you are going to end this friendship anyway, send her the link to this thread. Maybe she will finally get the picture that she is a horrible user and a cunt of the highest order. You sound like a nice person op, too nice.
op i love the rasputin gag
Wow, I never cease to be amazed by the cheek of some people - Rose, not you OP
You are a mug. This is not your friend.
You need to free yourself from La Vie En Rose immediatement!
OMG, how did I post that twice?
On the hand, it's probably worth saying twice OP
I love Rose! Rose is brilliant for days like today when I am hot and haven't slept and have hideous PMT and need a garden-variety evil, selfish nutjob to loathe for all humanity and mentally kick and fight.
Poor you OP embarrass the hell out of these piss-taking idiots. DO IT
Rose is definitely a frenemy. I'd cut her out of your life and also think about whether or not you want the other friends in your life too, as they seem just as bad.
It's really odd that so many people seem to take her words as gospel and assume they can borrow all your things on her say so!
Why are you so passive?you're a well mannered doormat.thats why rose takes piss
Your etiquette,notion of manners is getting in way of saying rose,you're obnoxious
You need to protect yourself,set boundaries,stop buying folk stuff and putting self out
What a horrid human being. Get rid as soon as possible. Break free and run!
Bloody hell get rid of this woman! She's a shit friend! Cheeky bloody cow!
Rose is a wanker - tell her to get stuffed
I doubt if my other friend would have ever assumed she could use my garden for a party had Rose not put it into her mind.
Even if someone had put this idea into my mind, I would have thought it really weird for someone to offer someone else's house for their party. I certainly wouldn't have made any plans unless the home owner contacted me directly and offered. Even then I'd feel it was too much of an imposition and graciously refuse.
OP, go to the friend and turn it around on Rose eg -
eg ' well X, I can see that you're upset that your surprise party plans aren't going to happen whos fault is that? I knew nothing about your planned party, and have my own arrangements for that weekend. (do not apologise, explain what your plans are or justify yourself, that just gives an opening to try and persuade you) The person you should be complaining to is Rose, who was not only rude enough to offer my house and garden for a party without asking me, but in doing so has wasted 2 weeks of your time planning for a party that WILL NOT BE HAPPENING. So if you feel left in the lurch and are now having to run about and plan things and find a venue in a hurry - thats not my fault, blame it on Rose who had the cheek to offer my garden as a venue.'
Or, you could let them host the party in your garden
and local mumsnetters can intervene by turning up en masse and presenting you with a new spine and Rose with a tin of brasso as per the current Bridezilla thread
Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard
Ffs. I'd really like a private jet to fly me abroad for a holiday but I don't have one so I'll learn to live with it.
What sort of twat plans a party that they can't possibly put on without asking the friends in suggestion? Rose is a user but your other friend is bloody entitled too. I'd tell them both to fuck of in all honesty....
What???! Tell rose to fuck off to fucktard island and stay there. She is NOT your friend at all. Say NO you cannot have a party at my house end of. Tell them to hire somewhere and DO NOT feel guilty. She sounds a nightmare... Dont be a mug. Buy her a one way ticket to fucktard island with her friend.
Before you cut her off try and have a talk with her and explain your point of view. Some people just have a very high sense of entitlement.
As a teenager I was out one day and got a call from my dad to say that my BFF and three strange boys were in our lounge when he got home, I was with friends and not willing to drop everything and go home to see them so told dad to kick them out. Turns out they had been there for hours before dad got home watching TV, BFF had told them all it would be fine for them all to climb through my window and wait for me to get home, kicking things off my windowsill in the process.
I talked to her about how completely insane her behaviour was and we were able to remain friends for a good few more years until her behaviour got bad again and I put an end to the friendship, by that point everyone was aware of her behaviour and I was not viewed as the epic bitch as I would have been if I had ended it straight off.
Fucking hell! Both these women are unbelievable (Rose and Birthday Woman). Neither of them are friends. They are unbelievably rude, obnoxious bitches.
Can I just point out, however, that you say in your OP
The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working.
Lady, this apologetic explanation needs to STOP!
You did not have to explain to us (or them) why it would be terribly inconvenient to allow a couple of people to use your home for a massive party full of strangers (Birthday boy's mates/work colleagues/pub drinking companions/relatives).
I wouldn't personally have cared if I'd got bugger all on for the next fortnight - they wouldn't have been welcome to use my home and I'd have happily told them to fuck right off. Explanations like this make it sound like it would have be ok if it had been a different weekend - and it wouldn't! It wouldn't ever be acceptable to plan a party in someone else's home without having the courtesy to check with them before doing so.
Do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT apologise. Do NOT explain. Simply say, 'I cannot believe anyone would be rude enough to plan a party in my home without consulting me first'.
Oh. And just tell Rose 'You have upset and angered me so much with your latest stunt that I do not want to have any more contact with you. Any friendship we once had is at an end'.
Rose needs a few toes up her posterior.
Tell her you'll get thorny with her if she doesn't nip it in the bud now!
I'm a bit puzzled by this. I don't know anyone who would expect to borrow someone's brand new dress which hasn't been worn yet on the offer of a third party!
I can't imagine party planing with someone at a third persons house without discussing it with the homeowner.
The cat thing I can understand, but surely you have no reason to feel guilty by telling the pet owner you're allergic and its miles away from you. The pet owner has no reason to be upset at you either.
If the other 'friends' take umbrage with you for not living up to 'Rose's' volunteering then frankly you need an entirely new set of friends. Right now it appears your friend circle see you as the doormat & Rose is a convenient excuse.
I beg your pardon, I never promised Rose you could use my Garden
you gotta grow some balls and stuff the wider circle of friends.
unfortunately in my experience, people will generally go with the easier option. so if rose is causing problems as long as it's not with them they won't be particularly bothered. unless she tries this stuff with them too?
either way i think you do have to put your foot down now. either your friends are your true friends or really they can't be arsed.
I think thebody got it right - much of this is in your head, in thinking that your other friends will look on you as rude or unhelpful. They probably think you genuinely don't mind Rose's behaviour - as you never say no! And that lets them all breathe a sigh of relief that they aren't her target.
She is constantly proving her own generosity and resourcefulness by providing people with solutions - completely ignoring the fact that the solutions are not hers to offer. Then she looks good if they come off (like the dress), and the actual owner/provider looks bad if they don't.
It's a neat trick.
Ditto, what everyone else said. This has to stop.
Is it worth emailing round the circle of friends saying unless they hear it from you directly, you have not offered them your things/time/money?
If you don't want to ditch Rose immediately then you have to talk to her and say never again must she offer anything of yours. If she wants to help people out then she must do it herself. You cannot have any relationship with her when she behaves so appallingly. I suppose she's justified in thinking that you'll behave like a doormat because that's how it's worked so far.
I agree with Zillion, I think a group email is in order - and I'd make sure Rose was on the distribution list too.
<sings> I never promised you a rose garden
I never promised you a garden, rose.
I'm pretty sure that as soon as you start saying 'no' to things, Rose will distance herself from you anyways.
See now I used to have a fair few Roses in my life but then I learnt to say no. It's weird at first, but well worth mastering.
I agree with LookMaw; as soon as you start saying no and standing up to Rose she will distance herself from you as you will no longer be of use to her. She may well try to engineer a falling out with you, and she may get very stroppy that you are saying no to her and aren't doing as she says but just ignore her. You will be well rid of her and once you are rid of her you will realise just how much she got you down and how she isn't a friend and is instead a noose around your neck!
> Before you cut her off try and have a talk with her and explain your point of view.
Yes, I agree with this. Maybe she's just rather oblivious and will be horrified and apologetic when you point out what she's doing. It's pretty unkind to just cut people off with no explanation, and it won't help them to behave differently in future. Have a friendly word and say you'd like her to stop volunteering you for things.
I think though with people like 'Rose' if you mention their behaviour to them they get all defensive and make out that you're being unkind to them and being hurtful. They are usually so full of themselves that they can't ever see anyone else's viewpoint, only theirs.
Reasonable people, that take a bit of criticism or feedback well and change their ways, don't do the things that Rose is doing in the first place.
I can't believe the other friends genuinely think these arrangements are fine. As others have said, no one really expects to be able to wear someone else's new dress, or use their garden, without even asking them directly.
Keep saying no, without explanation, and ignore Rose. Frankly the cancer thing is appalling, and shows just how nasty and manipulative she is. Her behaviour sounds really quite extreme. Dump her without looking back. You'll probably find a lot of people sidling up to you to congratulate you and share Rose horror stories.
don't worry too much about saying no. Other friends should know that these are unreasonable requests anyway, so they are alos being unreasonable. Op sometimes i am super friendly and get treated like doormat, but after a few no's i don't get taken advantage off.
She's not your friend. But you know that. If she volunteers your services, clothes, house or anything again, have a firm chat with her and say 'no more.'
I had a friend who was very controlling and manipulative. I stood my ground, and we drifted apart cos she realised there would be no more manipulation. If your other friends have a problem with you saying no, they are not friends either. Get some new friends OP.
She's not your friend and neither are any of the associates taking advantage of Rose's generosity by proxy. You can't change her behaviour, you can only change your own. You might as well lie on the floor and have "Welcome" written on your forehead the way you're allowing these horrors to walk all over you. So long as you keep giving, they'll keep taking and you'll get nothing but grief for it in return.
Rose does not sound like a very good friend to me. I think you just need to be honest with her and say look stop volunteering me for things. I can't believe that the other friends even go along with her.
OP I suspect that if you actually spoke to some of the wider circle on their own and said something along the lines of, oh god Rose has just volunteered my garden for a party and i simply cannot do it. if only she had asked me first...i feel bad for x...but it is simply out of the question...
I can't believe she did this. she does it all the time. it is a bit annoying.
you would find that half of them would also say. yes i know, she does it to me. once she did x,y,z, and it is really bloody annoying.
because sometimes in situations like this people just go along with it because everyone else does and all it take is one person to say this is fucked up and then everyone else says- glad you said something I thought that too. phew!
and if they don't and they say, you cow I would offer my garden if they asked, then you can say, excellent i will tell rose and her friend that they can have the party at yours.
rose is not your friend and if she anyone elses friend she would have lent a dress/fed the cats/offer her garden to them
simply say no - i have a new dress im wearing for my 40th this weekend and the party im hosting - no way would i lend it to a friends friend before i have worn it, tho happy to allow a friend wear it AFTER my party
same with the cats, and the party - simply say no
no sorry i cant ...............
just a simple no
and the friend can hire a hall/room in pub if she wants to throw a party for her dh - not sue your garden/house
So many people suggesting the OP should bitch about this woman behind her back, instead of simply telling her assertively that there's a problem. At least tell her to her face first, before taking the
coward's way out backbiting and cutting-off route!
fair point Wbdn28 but to be fair Rose is offering the OP's property our behind her back.
I would suggest doing both- saying to Rose you are not on but also letting other people know she is not happy for Rose to lend her stuff out and finding out how other people feel about it instead of assuming everyone else is fine about it and she is the odd one out.
Is Rose actually your mother/big sister/MIL?
Any of these would think it was just fine to tell random strangers they could use my garden/dress/kidneys, without asking first.
Crikey, I would go ballistic if a relative did that to me. I mean, with non-family members one might feel a bit constrained in the telling-off, but family? Hah!
I'm not saying I'd be happy about it, Eldritch -- just that I wouldn't put it past them!
Oh, sorry, I wasn't implying you were being weedy about it at all. I just read your post and thought of evil SIL (the only one who would pull a stunt like that, thank goodness) and imagined how much bigger-than-a-nuclear-explosion my reaction would be!
Sorry - haven't read the whole thread but I think you need to bat it all back at her and if anyone asks you, say: Is this Rose again? She's always volunteering me for things I can't do without asking me. I'm afraid this won't be possible but maybe Rose herself can give you a hand with feeding your cats, lending you clothes, throwing your husband a surprise party.
Then just tell her to always check with you first before volunteering you. She sounds a bit daft.
Wow! What a thread.
I hate Rose. She sounds like an effing nightmare.
She sounds toxic. I think she's displaying the control she has over you. She wants to feel like she has you under thumb and by getting you to do things for other people she is displaying to them that she is the boss of you.
I think you have to get yourself good and angry. Tell her it's completely unacceptable for her to volunteer you and your things and that if she carries on you'll have to cut her out of your life.
And when you have said no to your other "friends" if they haven't been completely MORTIFIED by their assumptions then they are hideous too.
Lancelottie * maybe Rose is your SIL
Behind-the-back bitching is required, to cover all the people Rose might impose on Haystacks; otherwise, it's just catching up with her spree!
Haystacks, may I just note that you did a great thing in naming this person Rose: so generous to allow us all this punning fun! <kudos for "Roseputin" emoticon>
ive had this before, you just have to be firm and say no
it does make you feel like a bitch
and tell rose your perfectly capable of volunterring yourself for things if you wish to
Is this thread for real? OP, are you, Rose and the wife-of-the-man-whose-fiftieth-is-imminent all fifteen years old?
Rose is a selfish nutcase.
The proper response to anyone who tries to emotionally blackmail you with "This could be my last Christmas" is "I shall miss you...can I have the good china/silverware/Picasso original once you are gone?"
The thought of Giant Haystacks buying a new dress and lending it out for a wedding has cheered me up no end
Ditch Rose. Even if she is your mother.
I think you should email her a link to this thread, tell her its about her and then maybe she'll realise she is teensy bit unreasonable
I do think that you should turn it round on her...
No, that's not convenient for me - however, I'm sure that you, Rose, could accommodate it in your garden / have something suitable in your wardrobe / could go round instead ....
I wish the OP would come back to respond
Start volunteering rose for things. Here I've said you will bake a cake for little toms birthday tomorrow etc
Also when people approach you saying that rose suggested you do x or x, roll your eyes and explain that and is constantly putting you forward for things you can't do and she just won't stop
Bleedin' nora! What is the matter with people?
Grow a backbone and stop letting her walk all over you. She obviously doesn't give a fig how you feel about offering to loan your new dress/garden to random people. Why should you care if you offend her?
You just don't need people like this in your life.
Bit annoying all the people telling OP to stop being a doormat, just say no, grow a backbone etc...
I think she is saying that she has been saying no (in 2 out of the 3 scenarios), its just that when she says no she is perceived to be the selfish one - lose-lose situation.
Sounds like it will be hard to shake off Roae if she's part of the wider group of friends. You have to have it out of her straight that these situations are unacceptable, maybe have this conversation in front of others - any reasonable person would see Rose is being an idiot.
Yes lets labour the etiquette of not offending rose.op is a well mannered doormat
Her inability to say no (for whatever reason) has meant she imposed upon,treated badly
Op do take a more assertive stand,and have think why what can you do protect self it be vulnerable to users
So ... what have you done about 'Rose', GiantH?
You need to be really angry about this, not meekly apologetic when she does it. This makes it look like you knew all along and are now backing out.
Turn it round and be offended each time she does it and say to her "What makes you think you have the right to offer this to people without even considering to ask me first?"
To the person involved "Look, I'm sorry this has left you in a tight spot, but Rose has done this kind of thing before, she didn't check with me first and its just not convenient. I'm sure you understand"
Rose now looks like the loon she clearly is.
To Rose when she pulls the "Is that any way to treat a cancer sufferer?"
retort with "How many cancer sufferers do you think would be disgusted with you using your illness as leverage?"
Seriously get rid. The other one sounds no better but may have been lead a merry dance by Rose. Tell her Rose never ran things by you once and you are fed up with her constantly assuming she has the ok to do this when you're the one who looks the twat when your standing there with it sprung on you in front of everyone.
If she has any decency she'll back down, if not that's bitch number 2 on the ditch list.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.