To not go into debt even for a good friends hen party

(127 Posts)
Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:40:57

I'm getting married in under two weeks, it's final bill time so the most expensive month. We only booked it at the end of May so not had long to save.

I have a friend who is a bridesmaid, and I am hers, when she gets married in Feb, she's an old school friend but we don't see each other all the time.

She didn't come to my hen do, or help plan it in anyway, but all of a sudden I've had an email saying I have to organise her hen do for October along with the other bridesmaids, apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise. I've tried to explain that It's a very expensive time for me, i still have a mortgage to pay and childcare on top of these wedding bills, but the other bridesmaids seem to be dripping in money because they are picking out huge country cottages and a weekend packed full of activities.

I have about 10 emails a day from them about different venues/prices/activities which is really distracting at work. I have said that I'm feeling skint and basically on a beans on toast diet this month, I need to wait until my next pay to get any money at all.

I'm really proud that we haven't gone into debt for our wedding but now I've been told that I should 'borrow money' to pay for the hen do, and because I've refused to pay until my next pay day, I've been 'reported' to the bride and have had a series of sh*tty texts today asking why I am ruining her happiness!! Would IBU to tell them to stick their hen do? Or should I just smile and get on with it?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 22-Jul-13 20:43:21

If you like, give me their emails and I'll tell them to stick it for you.

YANBU

Morgause Mon 22-Jul-13 20:44:23

I'll help.

Katisha Mon 22-Jul-13 20:46:22

Just explain in plain words that you have managed not to go overdrawn with your own wedding and that therefore you do not want to have to go overdrawn for her hen night. Its awkward timing for sure though. But you need to have that conversation with her, and not by text.

Sparklyblue Mon 22-Jul-13 20:47:10

Oh for god sake. What is wrong with an evening on the town with friends. Why all this cost for a hen do, I don't understand the need for these expensive affairs.
YADNBU. Definitely tell her to stick it.

summermakesmesneeze Mon 22-Jul-13 20:47:54

I can't believe she'd make a big deal when she didn't go to yours! Can you make it for (a cheap) part of this magnificent event? If that's not viable, personally I would turn it down politely and perhaps offer to help out with something else. Will you all be getting ready in the same house on the big day? Perhaps you could organise wine and nibbles for everyone (but get them to chip in if champagne is demanded!)
YANBU

Yika Mon 22-Jul-13 20:50:25

Never go into debt. But it sounds like the issue is about more than the money.

sudointellectual Mon 22-Jul-13 20:51:08

Just turn it down. She sounds like a nobhead.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 22-Jul-13 20:52:07

What ever happened to a night out at a club and a kebab on the way home as a hen do? Total spend - about £30 per person including taxi home.
I honestly can not understand hen do's and stag do's that cost £200+ to attend, then weddings that cost silly amounts like £300 to attend (my friend and her partner spent £900 to attend a hen, stag and wedding for one couple to wed - and that does not include gift, travel and clothing!).

YANBU.
But being involved does give you the chance to argue for something cheaper. Is it only the bridesmaids and bride going?

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:52:32

It's difficult to have that conversation because the bride refuses to know anything about the hen party, refuses to pay for herself and has already told me that, me giving her reason to have to speak to me about it, is 'threatening her happiness'.

My mother was with me this morning at my final wedding dress fitting when I was receiving these texts and nearly threw my phone out of the window. I've shown df as well and I think he's feeling slightly smug that he's got away with planning a wedding in under 3 months and I've only had 1 stress out session (three days in-I was worried that I hadn't booked everything)

maternitart Mon 22-Jul-13 20:53:39

YANBU, I don't understand why hen dos have to be so expensive. Maybe offer to arrange a 2nd hen in your town (just cocktails & maybe a meal?) for anyone who can't afford make the other one.

prettybird Mon 22-Jul-13 20:53:49

No-one should be guilted into going into debt for a social event.

"I don't have the money and can't afford it so sorry, I'll have to give the Hen Night/Weekend a miss if that is the cost of what is being planned"

And repeat as necessary.

LemonBreeland Mon 22-Jul-13 20:54:08

YANBU just tell them you are not taking part in any of it.

londonrach Mon 22-Jul-13 20:55:17

I'd question what sort of friend she is. My hen night was a meal out in prezzo cost a tenner at most. My sisters was a meal with her two bridesmaids at lunchtime in local Italian. Why does it have to be expensive. Everyone at my hen night at a good gossip and we had so much laughter. It's spending time with your girlfriends that matter....

saulaboutme Mon 22-Jul-13 20:55:52

Yanbu. I hate this kind of attitude.

You have to tell her you're not getting into debt which is what will happen if you buckle under their pressure.

I'd opt out if I was you.

maternitart Mon 22-Jul-13 20:57:07

Oh my god x-post, she sounds like a dick.

Maybe the other maids are getting into debt & think you should too.

What are you doing for your hen btw?

PoppyWearer Mon 22-Jul-13 20:57:10

Don't even think about her wedding until YOURS is over. Enjoy YOUR moment.

Ignore ignore ignore. Say you are too busy with your wedding preparations.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 21:01:41

My thoughts exactly, but the other bridesmaids won't have it. I've tried arguing for cheaper options but I am just being ignored. My own hen party was amazing, I had an amazing time. It was 2nights away in a city, lovely hotel, meals and dancing and came to £90 each and I was so worried in case that was too much for everyone.

laeiou Mon 22-Jul-13 21:02:00

In less than 2 weeks she is due to be your bridesmaid? Tell her you are too busy to think a wedding happening next year. Also, if they can't agree a budget for the hen do that suits then feel free to arrange one (when you have time to join in with the arrangements) but not attend said hen do.

SkinnybitchWannabe Mon 22-Jul-13 21:02:16

YANBU. shes being a cow. Tell her straight that you cant/ wont pay to attend whatever OTT plans the others have organised.
If she sends you bitchy texts, block her number and the same goes for emails.
Good luck and congrats on your wedding

Amibambini Mon 22-Jul-13 21:03:17

Urgh, it's annoying how insensitive people can be when it comes to money and joint events. I'm always surprised how easy it is for people with cash to forget how hard it is when money is tight.

YANBU. I don't think you even have to go into such depth when explaining your financial situation and wether or not you want to go into debt. Your finances and choices around debt are YOUR business. I would be livid if a friend suggested I borrowed for their hen, I would also feel that they are a selfish, shallow person and would forget about attending in any shape or form.

All you have to say is "sorry, I can't afford the hen you have planned and I'm not borrowing money either, end of."

Seriously, your mate is cheeky and her mates sound insensitive.

Enjoy your debt free wedding! flowers

TimeofChange Mon 22-Jul-13 21:05:31

Ignore the texts and emails.
She is being horrible.

Do you think she is doing it because she is jealous of you getting married in two weeks? Does she want the attention you should be having right now?

Don't answer the texts or emails.
Delete before reading - though I am very nosey and would find that difficult!

Have a wonderful wedding day. Don't let her spoil these two weeks.

Amibambini Mon 22-Jul-13 21:06:11

I can't believe she is moaning that you are 'threatening her happiness'. What a twat.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 22-Jul-13 21:06:26

Why is she a/ having her hen do FOUR MONTHS before her wedding, and b/ suddenly demanding that it's organised RIGHT NOW, just two weeks before your own wedding. hmm i'll tell you why - she's trying to piss on your parade.

Just tell her you can't afford it and won't be attending. Whatever you do, don't get into debt just for a glorified night out.

myfirstkitchen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:06:57

Don't borrow money for her hen! Wtf! Telling someone else to borrow money to spend on frivolities for yourself and having a hissy fit when they won't?
What a cow.
What sort of friend pins their happiness on another friend getting into debt?
Tell her to get stuffed.

PoppyWearer Mon 22-Jul-13 21:09:46

Agree with other posters - she is trying to steal your limelight.

I'll say it again: ignore.

Mia4 Mon 22-Jul-13 21:11:42

YANBU. Tell her,preferably call her:

"I'm very sorry but I'm extremely busy given there's only two weeks until my wedding and I really can't help organise anything else right now. This month is very expensive for me and I just can't commit to any other expenses right now. I won't be able to do much right now and I'm sorry but I really can't afford to attend the hen weekend. After my wedding, I'll be able to help and support you fully and I'm looking forward to being your bridesmaid on your special day."

Good luck and congratulations on your wedding, try to put that first and ignore all the drama.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McNewPants2013 Mon 22-Jul-13 21:13:47

'threatening her happiness'.

what about your happiness, Is she jealous that you are getting married first.

If it was me, i would be having serious words with the BM for upsetting a good friend so close to her wedding.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:16:59

Threatening her happiness? I'd tell her that she's threatening your ability to view her as an adult and actually you think it's very spiteful and selfish behaviour for her to expect you to pay for and concentrate on her hen night at the same time you're trying to organise your own wedding which you've managed to avoid getting into debt for.

Then I'd cut her off unless a big apology was forthcoming.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 21:17:47

Thank you very much, I am excited about our wedding, although I am also very nervous too, but that's another post.

I hope it's just a case of my friend temporarily being precious, but I know that when I got engaged she was fuming. Also when I text everyone before booking the date to see if they were free (because it was short notice), she got upset and made sure she booked her wedding the next day.

I'm not getting married as a competition and I feel like she's going to spend our wedding scrutinising it instead of relaxing and having fun.

maternitart Mon 22-Jul-13 21:18:55

Wear your wedding dress to her wedding.

Belchica Mon 22-Jul-13 21:22:23

As others have said, do not get into debt. Perhaps say that you are willing to help organise but the activities/cost prevent you from attending. There is no shame in admitting you cant afford something...it would be a massive shame to get your family into debt because of peer pressure. You aren't even guaranteed a good time if you do go.

I am not yet married...I just cannot comprehend behaving this way towards friends like this girl is doing. So many spoilt brats out there.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 21:23:20

To be fair I should add that without a wedding she isn't this precious, and is normally quite a level headed fun person. I just want her back instead of this irate, irrational person that's taken over her at the moment

expatinscotland Mon 22-Jul-13 21:25:23

YANBU! Don't do it!

MamaChubbyLegs Mon 22-Jul-13 21:28:07

How dare she expect you to go into debt for 'her happiness'?

And I suppose you arent even allowed to explain yourself to her because it would ruin her surprise?

What a brat hmm

Friends look out for each other. I'd be devastated if one of my friends even considered borrowing money for my sake.

Would sending her a link to this thread threaten her happiness? She needs a reality check.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:30:13

So you stole her thunder?

Even knowing that I'm finding it no easier to rationalise her behaviour.

If she's old enough to get married she should be well past the stage of wanting to be the "first" for everything. There are no prizes for being the first to get married. It doesn't make for a better marriage or anything, just as the 'perfect' hen night and wedding don't.

Loveitall Mon 22-Jul-13 21:30:20

Yanbu, when my BFF had her hen I couldn't afford to go as it meant trains, hotel for 2 nights, plus spends for the time there. It was a group booking through a special place and the organiser got there room for free. She very selflessly offered me the free place so I could make it.
Don't let anything spoil your own wedding xx

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 21:31:57

YANBU. Ps well done on staying debt free with your wedding! Make sure you stay that way smile

This may be slightly away from the point of this thread but why have a hen in October for a February wedding?! It's not even in the same year! And why can't they wait two weeks to plan it? That would still give two full months of organisation time... Sigh.

She is clearly doing this to wind you up, but wouldn't recognise it if you called her on it. LunaticFringes' email is just right, calm, clear and with no animosity in it.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Mon 22-Jul-13 21:35:15

Why show her more than she's showed you

Beastofburden Mon 22-Jul-13 21:38:19

She is definitely jealous of you getting married and she is trying to outdo you. Carry on setting an example of better values, by not mortgaging your future for the sake of a single event. I got married in 1990 and I can assure you it was normal then to spend peanuts on the hen night and not much on the wedding, so that you had money for a house deposit. I just don't get this Barbie mentality where everyone has to be a princess for a day. Wtf? You are an adult woman marrying the man you are in love with so you can build a future, not a toddler in a shiny dress. If her happiness seriously depends on a dazzle dazzle hen night then she is marrying the wrong man.

DameFanny Mon 22-Jul-13 21:38:37

She's barking. Yanbu.

Whocansay Mon 22-Jul-13 21:39:37

Tell them all you've planned a massive surprise for them all. Book a mini bus and take them on a magical mystery tour. To a Little Chef. Then leave them to it.

They sound like utter idiots.

Congratulations on your wedding. Don't let Bridezilla anywhere near it, as it sounds like she'll try and sabotage your day if she can.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 22-Jul-13 21:42:17

You keep saying other bridesmaids, how many bridesmaids is she having?

SprinkleLiberally Mon 22-Jul-13 21:43:17

Why did she not attend your hen do? What reason?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 22-Jul-13 21:44:00

She is refusing to,pay for herself?!? So part of this "going into debt" would be paying for her?

She sounds like a real keeper as a friend!

mrstigs Mon 22-Jul-13 21:49:08

Everything beastofburden said (except for the getting married in 1990 bit, I was still in primary then) grin
Just leave them to it. If they try and pull you up on it, ask them if its reasonable to expect you to plan someone else's wedding two weeks before your own. (Though as nuts as they sound they may well say yes it is I suppose) hmm

PuggyMum Mon 22-Jul-13 21:49:35

I second the idea of 'parking' this until after your wedding as you deserve to enjoy the next couple of weeks.

I'd email them all saying what the poster above said and also switch to a personal email account saying your account is getting full / boss has seen / you're really busy.

I hate the idea that you need to explain your financial situation but if you throw in a couple of cheaper options. October is in the run up to Xmas too!!!

Tell your friend you're not ruining anyone's happiness. It's 2 weeks before your wedding so you can't focus on a hen do yet....

Then after the wedding she may have learnt from you how to be a gracious bride x

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 22-Jul-13 21:50:42

I wouldnt even go into debt for my own fucking hen do. Tell her to trot on.

Unless you want to get a new bridesmaid (I would personally, she sounds like a massive knob) just keep saying, broken record style that you will discuss it after your wedding. Hers isnt til next year after all.

after your wedding keep up the broken record game and keep suggesting stupid cheap places. hollywood bowl. wetherspoons. Burger King grin

Xales Mon 22-Jul-13 21:52:50

I hope you are prepared, deep breath and all, for her to throw a tantrum over being your bridesmaid if you don't comply!

ENormaSnob Mon 22-Jul-13 21:54:30

She's a twat.

TempusFuckit Mon 22-Jul-13 21:57:50

I'd also like to know why she didn't come to your hen do. And it's definitely her that's come out with the threatening my happiness line, directly to you? Sorry, not entirely clear.

How old is she?

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 21:58:36

She's got 4 bridesmaids (they are all accountants) I'm not. Her mother is paying for the deposit and unless her mother comes forward with anymore money it looks like we have to factor in the rest of her cost.

She was on holidays the weekend of my hen party so had a genuine reason.

pigletmania Mon 22-Jul-13 21:59:37

I would seriously pull out of being BM, she does not sound likea very good friend tbh. How come weddings turn te most sanest of people into irrational knobheads!

cozietoesie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:00:36

......apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise.......

I can't stop laughing - at her, not at you, OP. You're of sound mind and she's a fruitcake.

Just say NO! One of the great things I've learned as I got older is the power of just saying NO. If it's a real sticky social situation, I might add on an 'It's not convenient' but that's just a might. 9 times out of 10, that will suffice - and the 1 out of 10, I just repeat myself. (You'll find that you feel stronger each time you say it by the way.)

schoolgovernor Mon 22-Jul-13 22:06:45

Be very careful that nobody books anything up and then come after you for money. Send that email an be specific - "At the moment I am unable to afford any of the options that have been suggested, so if you book anything before I get back in touch after MY wedding please make sure that you don't include me in the numbers."
And incidentally, she's no friend of yours when she knows how hard up you are and still expects you to chip in to pay for her. I must admit, I'd be thinking of ditching this "friend".

cozietoesie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:11:08

Oh if she was in my book, I'd be tearing out the page. No real friend would behave like that.

Good point about doing it by email and with specifics. Makes a nice audit trail if there's any trouble later. (Get a read receipt if you have the facility or otherwise save any response from her/put something in the email (a trivial detail - about her dress, say) that she's bound to respond to.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 22:11:50

She said in a text that I was threatening her happiness, that I have put her in an awkward position (because her other bridesmaid had to tell on me) and I wasn't being fair on her. I received this as I was standing in my wedding dress having my last alterations. I asked my mother to read out my text, not expecting any comments like this. This is why my mother nearly threw my phone out of the window. She's nearly 30, I've told her that I'm an adult and don't need to be told on, or told how to spend my money.

AndHarry Mon 22-Jul-13 22:13:44

YANBU and definitely send an email like schoolgovernor's or you will end up 'costing her money'.

MortifiedAdams Mon 22-Jul-13 22:14:02

Well, if sje doesnt want to.know anything in advance, then you could just NOT go - "well, I tried telling you but you wouldnt listen!"

cozietoesie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:14:58

If she thinks that you're threatening her happiness, I give that 'happiness' a year and a half at the outside.

Tell her to get stuffed. You don't need self-centred prima donnas like that as friends.

TempusFuckit Mon 22-Jul-13 22:17:26

Crikey. YADNBU, and she's behaving like a giddy self-centred teenager.

If she's so keen on you going into debt, maybe she should lend you the money. As a 25-year, zero-interest loan?

OddSockMonster Mon 22-Jul-13 22:19:15

I'd also go down the route of 'don't count me in on anything, I'll be in a position to help/work things out in xx number of weeks.'

Hope you have a lovely wedding.

cozietoesie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:21:29

Yes - Thanks for reminding me OddSockMonster.

Have a great day yourself OP.

(Forget about the other one.)

smile

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 22:23:53

Just received a group email, outing me as a non payer to the whole hen party (over 20 people) but omitting any details so I just look like an awkward person to all these other people. I have been publicly given a deadline to pay in full, but there's progress-it's the date of my next pay!!

Feeling quite annoyed that I've spent my evening getting annoyed when I'd planned to glue some of my df's baby pics to a board for his mum to display at the wedding.

NoComet Mon 22-Jul-13 22:24:47

she is being utterly and totally unreasonable, my hen do was Chinese takeaway at my parents.

We cancelled going out so my bestfriend could be there, she was on crutches after a very nasty car accident. I was just glad she hadn't be killed, her car was a total wreck.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 22:28:48

Oh bless Starball, that sounds like a lovely night-you got to spend it with someone you nearly lost. Even in the circumstances, i bet you spent all night thanking your lucky stars!

I lost my father suddenly and if I could spend my hen do with my parents together again, it would be the best night of my life.

pigletmania Mon 22-Jul-13 22:29:17

Oh my goodness do you reall want this person as a friend, let alone a BM. Her behaviour would be a dealbreaker in a friendship

PuggyMum Mon 22-Jul-13 22:30:10

What a load of bitches.

I'd be tempted to reply and link this thread now.

AndHarry Mon 22-Jul-13 22:32:27

Er what? What a horrible, awful thing to do. I'd reply all and decline the 'invitation'.

Viviennemary Mon 22-Jul-13 22:33:19

Time to call a halt to this nonsense now. They all sound barking mad. I agree with the person who said calm e-mail withdrawing from all this. Just concentrate on your own wedding and have a lovely day.

GreyWhites Mon 22-Jul-13 22:36:35

Why didn't she come to your hen do?

prettybird Mon 22-Jul-13 22:39:11

Leave it over night to calm down

Then compose a very reasonable, polite but sad and disappointed response, copying all in so that the perpetrators are themselves outed and embarrassed

Along the lines of....

"It's been a very busy time for you, what with your own wedding in 2 weeks time and the fact that you've been working to a very tight budget so as not to go into debt. You appreciate the work that the other bridesmaids have been doing looking into options and you are delighted that they have delayed the date for final payment from the one that was initially proposed, as that means you'll have been paid and can go after all/but after careful consideration, you've regretfully had to decide that with all the other expenses you are currently faced with, you'll need to forego the night out*. You do of course hope that everyone has a lovely time and that if someone finds they can't make it closer to the time, you'll see if you can make it."

*Delete as appropriate.

What are the odds that there are other people on that group of 20 who are balking at the cost? hmm

Don't back down just because it will be payable after your next pay day. Even if you can afford it then, will you be able to get to the end of the month after paying it?

OddSockMonster Mon 22-Jul-13 22:39:55

I think I'd be hitting the reply all button so that everyone knows why your being slagged off (i.e paying for and enjoying your own wedding, far more important than someone else's hen night), and maybe suggest you help organise something two weeks before her wedding.

That then gives you time to work out if she's gone fruitcake permanently or if this is just a jealous-of-your-wedding wobbly.

myfirstkitchen Mon 22-Jul-13 22:40:43

shock At outing you as a 'non payer'. Hit block!!

cantreachmytoes Mon 22-Jul-13 22:40:55

AndHarry - reply and link to this thread.

Don't go on the hen. Don't pay just because its now on payday.

It's so far away that you can be sure that closer to the hen party there will be additional expenses...

BiscuitDunker Mon 22-Jul-13 22:41:16

If I were you I'd call her a selfish bitch,uninvite her to your wedding and tell her you're not attending hers either unless she reins in her self-centred "the world revolves around me even though your the one getting married very soon" attitude and gets her other bms to sort their attitudes out too!

Seriously after what you've written about her I can't help but ask why on earth you're even friends with this spoilt brat let alone having her as your bm! She's clearly not even happy about you getting engaged,let alone (having the audacity as she no doubt sees it) to get married before her! Just imagine what she'll be like if you fall pregnant and have a baby before her!!

cantreachmytoes Mon 22-Jul-13 22:41:46

Meant I agree with AndHarry

MagicHouse Mon 22-Jul-13 22:43:59

I think I would reply all and calmly say....

Hi all, sorry this is causing you stress. I obviously haven't been clear in saying that I simply cannot afford the hen weekend in October. As you can appreciate it's a really busy (and expensive) time for me right now, so it's best that I pull out. Hope you all have a great time, Chocolate hunter xx

TheSecondComing Mon 22-Jul-13 22:45:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 Mon 22-Jul-13 22:46:40

Oh dear, your friend sounds dreadful - totally self absorbed and inconsiderate. Very uncaring. Agree with others - YANBU and you need to be direct with her unfortunately as she's obviously not very sharp.

Congrats on your big day! xxx

This woman is not your friend!

I would reply to all and explain you are too busy organizing your own wedding which is in less than two weeks, to even consider organizing or paying for a hen. Then pull out.

alwaysinamuckingfuddle Mon 22-Jul-13 22:49:44

I'd pull out of this whole debacle pronto. Not everyone has a money tree growing in their garden. What a complete bunch of cows.

I hope you have a fab wedding day! flowers

cozietoesie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:50:16

I'd either go with MagicHouse 's tight reply-all response or simply go formal and email the bride to be directly with the information.

They may not all be a bunch of fruitcakes but it looks as if none of them are keeping the bride to be in check.

This is all madness and you would be well shot of it.

Your "friend" wont for a moment consider you will pull out, she is just trying to make you focus on HER rather than yourself. Dont let her succeed. Pull out.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 22-Jul-13 22:51:40

Yes, reply to all and say clearly that you need to put the record straight - you are weeks away from your own wedding and can't afford to commit to the kind of money being asked for, and that you don't appreciate being publicly criticised for being short of money. Their behaviour is appalling. Call them on it.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 22-Jul-13 22:53:24

Plus, hen in October for a wedding in Feb is ridiculously early, unless the bride works on a nuclear submarine and will be on ops at all other times.

cozietoesie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:55:22

Out of interest, I used to live in an area where the formal 'hen night' was a 'present showing' for the bride's female friends. (Tea and sandwiches/cakes with the bride's mother present.) There might (for the racier ones among them) be a night in the pub where the bride didn't have to buy herself a drink - but that was pretty much it.

Your friend is....... words fail me for once.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 23:02:02

Thank you for all our kind wishes. Secondcoming my hen party was relatively cheap was because there were 8 of us, we stayed in a big name city centre hotel, but shared 4 to a room £53 pp for 2 nights. I was lucky that everyone knew each other and was comfortable enough to share a double bed with another person.

On the first night we went to a roller disco party £7 entry £4 skate hire. In the day we used the hotel pool/spa for free, watched the tennis and went for a browse around the shops. Second night was a cocktail making class. This was £25pp which was quite expensive but it also included a buffet meal so we didn't need to buy food. Total was £89

Southeastdweller Mon 22-Jul-13 23:06:41

I'm thinking the same as breathe. Is the hen night going to leave you short before you get paid again in September? Also thinking the atmosphere would be a bit bitchy after a few drinks.

If it were me, I wouldn't go even if I had millions. She's seriously disrespected you so leave her and the other bitches to it.

Whocansay Mon 22-Jul-13 23:08:55

Well that response ensures that even if you went, you'd be really uncomfortable the whole time you were there as they've clearly been having a good old bitch about you. And you'll be out of pocket.

Reply all and decline. Just tell them you can't afford it right now.

They sound thoroughly nasty. And I would imagine they'll be plenty of extras to pay for...

cozietoesie Mon 22-Jul-13 23:11:58

OK - I've found some more words.

Chocolate

Answer me one thing.

Do you like her?

Xales Mon 22-Jul-13 23:12:21

How can you be a non payer when you haven't even agreed to go and the venue hasn't been confirmed.

If it has been confirmed without you you simply say you did not agree to any of this and made it clear you would not be paying.

How much fun or a good time are you going to have with these cows?

You do not know how things will be by Oct.

Reconsider going at all.

CSIJanner Mon 22-Jul-13 23:12:22

They outed you in a fucking email? Pfffft!

Take the night, then send PrettyBird's reply. Rude.

So is precious bridezilla still going to be bridesmaid after her woeful texts berating you for ruining her happiness spammed your mobile?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Mon 22-Jul-13 23:14:04

I like MagicHouse's reply.

Do you know any of these 20 people?

nobeer Mon 22-Jul-13 23:16:05

I think they sound like a right rude bunch!

Here's another suggestion:

Dear hens
As I'm sure some of you know, I have had a lot of expenses for my own wedding, which must take priority as it is happening before X's hen party. As accountants, I'm sure you must appreciate how important it is to avoid getting into debt. Therefore I feel it is only fair to tell you now that I cannot attend X's hen do in October which is out of my budget. If X wishes to have some drinks or a meal closer to the wedding, I will be delighted to organise it.
Best wishes
Chocolate.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 23:32:35

I think I am going to sleep on it and reply in the morning, no I don't know these other people although I've met the other bridesmaids before. They seemed like normal people then

Before the engagements my friend was a lovely person. She is normally very considerate and I'm wondering if this bridezilla act is her just feeling that this is her turn to get special treatment, but has lost perspective. I would be more than happy to celebrate with her but I just can't give her everything she wants from me right now. I am hoping that her dp will calm her down a bit soon, I'm sure he can't live with someone this precious for the next 7 months.

AndHarry Mon 22-Jul-13 23:33:49

Nice email nobeer. Direct and dignified.

pigletmania Mon 22-Jul-13 23:36:30

Why don't you arrange to meet her and talk about it

GW297 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:39:13

From recent bitter experience of being in a similar position just say no from the outset. Say you can't afford it because unless someone else is going to pay for you, there is no further response to that. I will always now say no straightaway from now on instead of worrying and stressing and the fact that she didn't come to yours means you can say no completely guilt free.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 22-Jul-13 23:52:29

I like nobeer's reply too. Possibly losing "as it is happening before X's hen party".

"Before the engagements my friend was a lovely person."
Are you sure about that? You posted that "I know that when I got engaged she was fuming. Also when I text everyone before booking the date to see if they were free (because it was short notice), she got upset and made sure she booked her wedding the next day."
That does not sound like someone who is lovely. It all sounds as if she's jealous, and more than happy to take the shine off your wedding for you. It's two weeks until your wedding, why is she flinging all this shit and anxiety your way NOW confused?

Sorry OP, but it all just reads to me that it's about making you miserable rather than about making her happy, and doing it via her proxies, the other bridesmaids. Sneaky, underhanded, and definitely not lovely. I mean, "'threatening her happiness'" - WTF?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 23-Jul-13 00:02:17

No beer 's email is great.

TheSecondComing Tue 23-Jul-13 00:06:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi Tue 23-Jul-13 00:14:27

YANBU. I've never heard of An individual friend fronting up all the money for a hen do! If anything, everyone comes together and throws a bit into the pot, if not outright payin for themselves at the time. Just say no.

MerylStrop Tue 23-Jul-13 00:38:34

Who has a hen do 5 MONTHS before the wedding?

That's enough time for them to split up and get engaged to someone else.

Ridiculous

Don't respond to the email. Rise above. Enjoy your own wonderful wedding.

Afterwards, try to speak to your friend, in person, without anyone else there and tell her this : "I am not getting married as some kind of competition".

MerylStrop Tue 23-Jul-13 00:43:39

I have been publicly given a deadline to pay in full

Who do these people think they are?

OP these are not nice people, they are bullying you and do not care if they endanger your old friendship.

MidniteScribbler Tue 23-Jul-13 03:57:29

Send her an email saying that you will put in exactly the same amount of effort and money as she spent on yours.

Hissy Tue 23-Jul-13 07:22:09

She's deliberately making this an issue to spoil YOUR day.

Hit reply all, say that you'll be declining her invitation and leave it at that.

Please don't spend another single moment of anguish on this very sad, spiteful and jealous woman.

ZillionChocolate Tue 23-Jul-13 08:00:57

Having rude pushy texts from your other friends and being bullied into spending money I don't have a fortnight before my own wedding is threatening my happiness. I think it's best if we miss each other's hen dos and have a catch up just the two of us closer to the time.

And then I'd refuse to talk about it.

Back2Two Tue 23-Jul-13 08:26:35

I have only browsed the thread but I'm just amazed that this is actually happening.

Please don't let this issue take away from your own wedding any longer...jeez, this is just a bloody hen do.

I would suggest being very polite and stating that, as it IS your wedding very soon you are distracted with your own arrangements and financially you are very restricted. Consequently, you would like someone else to take over the organisation of this hen do as you are obviously not the person who can give it the attention that it needs.

You could add that feel a bit stressed by the pressure and really just want to focus on your own actual wedding day for now.

Say it all nice and politely and bow out gracefully.

Let some other shmuck do all the bloody work and fork out loads of money....you just go along to the hen if you still want to after all this selfish, greedy and horrible behaviour.

FriedSprout Tue 23-Jul-13 08:59:20

These women are not nice!
I agree wire Snazzy's post, think it says it all:

"Yes, reply to all and say clearly that you need to put the record straight - you are weeks away from your own wedding and can't afford to commit to the kind of money being asked for, and that you don't appreciate being publicly criticised for being short of money"

Then I would have nothing more to do with any of them, including the bride!

Hope your wedding is everything that hers won't be, ie full of real friends, that care about you - have a lovely day smile

specialsubject Tue 23-Jul-13 09:26:21

tell her that if her whole happiness depends on one pissup, she is tragic.

whatsonyourplate Tue 23-Jul-13 09:33:23

If the hen night is in October but the wedding is not till Feb, I'd bet she's going to want a second hen night nearer the time. Better start saving....

HerculePoirotsTache Tue 23-Jul-13 10:48:03

Nobeers email suggestion is excellent and certainly hit Reply All but I would add that you disagree with being 'shamed' by a circulating email suggesting you are a 'no payer'. They are coming across as complete bitches grin

This thread has meant I'm sitting looking at my PC with mouth wide open.
How bloody rude.
Agree, she is trying to steal your thunder. Don't let her.

How much is the hen do going to cost in total anyway?
No you should not get into debt.

Have you sent your reply yet???

CSIJanner Tue 23-Jul-13 11:47:47

Seriously - after all of this flak, vitriol and attempts at public email humiliation just weeks before your own day, do you think you still want her as BM without a bad taste in your mouth? It's a difficult one as you don't want to appear the vindictive bitch, but after her happiness texts during your dress fitting, you'll be a far better woman than I if you didn't tell her to fuck right off.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Tue 23-Jul-13 11:54:01

She is going to spoil your wedding day with this hassle. Boot her as bridesmaid and distance yourself.

Oh I want you to do as biscuit suggests and get pg before her wedding, far enough in advance that she needs to accommodate the bump in your dress and all the grannys flock around you. You do owe it to MN as we can then get a whole new thread from jealous bridezilla, see how that ruins her happiness.

Don't feel you have to go into debt for her, look at what the package is and isn't including, will there be food on top where you will have just a salad and water while they have 3 courses with champagne and split the bill equally etc?

Most importantly enjoy your own day, and ban discussion of her wedding on your day!

LemonBreeland Tue 23-Jul-13 13:53:56

You absolutely need to reply all. Thst is incredibly rude to send an email to all slagging you off.

Amibambini Wed 24-Jul-13 15:15:02

Chocolatehunter - update?

CalamityJ Wed 24-Jul-13 19:34:32

Why would you want to spend time and money with a) bridezilla or b) 19 other hens who now think you're a tight arsed trouble maker?

I gently enquired to the bridesmaids about the £300 cost it was going to be for a friend's hen do only an hour down the road and for three nights. The hen's mum phoned me and told me I was cheap if couldn't afford that (three weddings/hen dos that year) and when I suggested 4 or even 3 star hotel instead of 5 star I was told "I must have the best for my daughter!" Well yes but she's just one of many friends of mine getting married. I suggested cava instead of champagne; she said "no daughter of mine drinks cava!" Pfffft. Anyway her bridesmaids finally got real and refunded all of us £75 at the end of the hen do as they'd been able to do some 'economising'. I'm glad I spoke up but it did make the first day of the hen do frosty and I got the shit room However when they got to know me they realised I was just more practical than them and that they hadn't needed to go all out as others have other hen dos to attend.

If she didn't go to yours I wouldn't go into debt to go to hers, holiday or no holiday that she was on. To ask you to go into debt weeks before your own wedding is ludicrous. I would never ask that of anyone! She may have been Norma, before this but her wedding as definitely gone to her head. No words of advice for how to reply but something along the lines of 'I have other commitments such as my own wedding and can't afford this too unless it's scaled back'.

Wbdn28 Wed 24-Jul-13 20:03:20

Hi friend,

Thank you for inviting me to help arrange your hen do.

I'd have loved to have been involved, but unfortunately won't be able to afford any of the options suggested by the others, and they're not willing to be flexible at all.

Had I realised there was going to be a consensus to choose such expensive activities and accommodation, I'd never have agreed to be involved.

I'm disappointed that your other bridesmaids aren't being very pleasant about this, and have chosen to "report" this to you as if not having enough money is a crime. Obviously that was bad manners on their part, as you shouldn't be needing to worry about the arrangements.

You've now said I'm "ruining your happiness" which is wrong and hurtful as naturally I wish you all the happiness in the world. I'd say it's certain others who are stirring things up here - I don't know what exactly they've said to you, but it doesn't sound as if it was fair or reasonable.

I hope that whatever is chosen will be a wonderful surprise for you, and you all have a great time.

prettybird Wed 31-Jul-13 17:53:30

I hope chocolatehunter is getting reading for a lovely wedding of her own, which I presume is any day now smilethankswinesmile

Is the henzilla still being a bridesmaid? hmm

Euphemia Wed 31-Jul-13 18:09:09

Any update?

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