to think this isn't a good friendship and ask for advice as to how best to get out of it?

(57 Posts)
WestieMamma Fri 19-Jul-13 23:51:07

I have AS and really struggle with social interactions. I've never really had a friend before and find it difficult to judge what is normal.

I made friends with another English speaker in the very small town we both live in. However I'm beginning to suspect that she only wants to be my friend when she wants something (usually dog sitting).

In the past 12 months I've had her young, bouncey, incredibly hard work, dog stay for 3 weeks when she went home due to a family bereavement, a week when she went on holiday, approx 20 separate days when she's been gone all day, several overnights while she was in hospital due to pregnancy complications, 1 week after the birth so her partner could stay at the hospital with her, 2 weeks so they could be with her BIL who was terminally ill.

My husband asked her to have our old, lazy, sleeps all day, small dog once, when I went into labour so he could be at the hospital with me. She refused.

A couple of weeks after my baby was born she asked if we could have the dog again just overnight as she wanted to go with her partner to a 'thing' in memory of now deceased BIL. The dog is crackers and I couldn't cope with it and a new baby so instead sent my husband round there 3 times both days to feed/water/walk the beast. Then I found out I'd been deceived. The 'thing' which was implied was some sort of memorial service was a day out at the big annual festival in the town where BIL lived. My husband would probably have still walked the dog for her, but now it felt like we were being manipulated so I've backed off a bit.

So I got invited over for tea yesterday as she hasn't seen me in ages. I went and it was really nice and she was lovely and I felt guilty about doubting her. Earlier this evening I got a message from her asking if I can have the dog for a fortnight in September as they're going home for 2 weeks.

Is she taking the piss? Or am a being a cow by not wanting to help my friend?

Just say that it isn't convenient and see whether she invites you round again or not. If she doesn't then you know whether thta's that the only reason for her friendship. Job done

YouTheCat Fri 19-Jul-13 23:55:21

She is massively taking the piss.

If she reciprocated at all, then that would be fair enough, even if it wasn't as much as you do for her.

Just say, you are too busy so she has to find someone else. If she is a true friend this won't be a problem to her and she will ask someone else.

Bluebell99 Fri 19-Jul-13 23:56:50

I wouldn't be looking after her dog again, after she refused to look after yours, and would tell her so. She does sound like a user. You don't like looking after her dog, she won't return the favour, so why put yourself out.

HaroldLloyd Fri 19-Jul-13 23:58:05

Tell her you wont be able to have the dog again, its too much for you.

Then you will be able to see if she is just being friendly to look after the dog.

You are not being a cow. We had MILs dog once, it was a nightmare, as soon as she got back told her no never again.

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:02:11

That's what I want to do and I strongly suspect that I won't get invited again. But I feel really scared and I don't know why. She's quite pushy and when I said I couldn't before she wanted to know why. I told her the truth, I was heavily pregnant I couldn't cope with her dog all day as I couldn't jump up every time the beast started chewing something it shouldn't. I then got a message to say she'd rung my student daughter and asked her if she could come home and help and I felt cornered and ended up having the dog.

Gosh I'm getting panicky just thinking about saying no again. That's not a healthy sign.

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:03:42

Does anyone know where I can buy a backbone?

babyhmummy01 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:05:01

She is taking the piss! Tell her you are sorry but no and see when she contacts you again

YouTheCat Sat 20-Jul-13 00:05:09

In that case, just say no. Say her dog is a bloody menace and she is taking the piss.

You won't be losing a friend as she doesn't sound like she is one.

RoxyFox211 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:06:52

Yanbu shock the bit about ringing your student daughter really takes the piss tbh. Its a horrible situation though, understand why you don't want to upset her, but if you don't say something now she'll keep taking advantage. hmm

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:10:40

She is totally taking the piss...

IMO friendship is about helping each other out (amongst other things). She has refused to have your dog the one time you asked.

Her inviting you to hers for lunch /tea just smacks of her buttering you up to ask yet another favour. I would put a stop to this now, it will only get worse.

scarlettanager Sat 20-Jul-13 00:11:13

She rang your daughter? She sounds properly unhinged.
Cut off completely. Ignore ignore ignore

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:11:15

And my mum came to visit from the UK a couple of weeks ago to meet her new grandson. She had a load of stuff with her that my 'friend' had ordered to be delivered to my mum's because it was much cheaper than getting it delivered here. When my mum got an email (via Facebook) asking if it was ok, she thought I'd suggested it which is why she agreed. I knew nothing about it till she got here and unpacked. This woman has never even met my mum before.

I'm getting a rage now. angry

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:11:49

Missed the bit about ringing your daughter shock hope she told her where to get off...

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:13:30

Keep that angry it will make it easier to stand up to her..

How has she got details for your family? If its FB I suggest a cull of friends..

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:13:59

Sadly not. My daughter came straight home as it was worded in such a way that she thought there was something wrong with me and the baby.

HaroldLloyd Sat 20-Jul-13 00:14:47

You had her dog last year for 3 week, 20 separate days and another 2 weeks, thats nearly 2 months out of 12! Total pisstake.

babyhmummy01 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:15:35

She is psycho! I would warn ur family and then ignore her, she isn't a friend she is a user. I have rage for you!

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:18:44

Yeah it's through FB. I only have close family, her and a couple of people from church as friends. I'm scared to cull because this is a very small community and the only way not to see her would be to never leave the house again. Our babies will be in the same nursery/school/scouts/English for native speakers class etc. I already bump into her every time I take my son to be weighed.

HappyDoll Sat 20-Jul-13 00:20:15

shock
You need to stop doing her any favours asap. If she asks why say "Because I don't want to." Then in the next breath ask her over for dinner. She'll show her true colours soon enough after that.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 20-Jul-13 00:20:50

OK, you need a script for this, you practice it, and you repeat it till she gets the message.
'I'm afraid I won't be able to do that'
'No, I am afraid not, it's just not something I can manage anymore'
'It is a pity you don't know anyone else who can do it, but it's just not something I can manage anymore'

Google 'broken record technique' for tips. Tell your daughter to do likewise!

FingersCrossedLegsNot Sat 20-Jul-13 00:21:14

Yanbu at all, this woman is a leech!

imademarion Sat 20-Jul-13 00:22:01

That rage will be useful for standing up for your daughter and mother too.

That could have been anything she got your mum to carry out. Not cool.

Don't worry about making the friendship all finished and clean and tidy. There never was a friendship to end, just a series of her using you and your family which you are no longer colluding in.

Just say/text/email whatever, at YOUR convenience, 'no.'

Or don't answer.

She doesn't deserve you attempting to manage her feelings.

Find some nice people to hang out with and enjoy your little family; they matter, she doesn't.

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:22:06

Not necessarily suggesting you cull her on FB although I would but maybe the rest of your family can.

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:22:42

You've all given me the courage to say no. I've sent a message saying sorry, no can do.

Now I'm going to hide in the cupboard under the stairs.

Dubjackeen Sat 20-Jul-13 00:24:40

I would say keep the rage going. She is using you, by the sound of things. I am not good with confrontation, personally. However, I believe there are ways and means of sorting things, without confrontation. She had no right to contact your daughter! That alone would make me rage! Stay strong OP and drop her. She is a user. sad

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 20-Jul-13 00:26:22

Good for you! She will have to use kennels like everyone else.

Tryharder Sat 20-Jul-13 00:27:19

If you live in a small community, then I understand that you don't want to come across as antagonistic. I would say that you don't feel able to have the dog due to your baby as the dog jumps up and bites etc, but that you would be able to pop round to check on it or even walk it (assuming you live close to her)

HaroldLloyd Sat 20-Jul-13 00:27:25

Good on you!

imademarion Sat 20-Jul-13 00:29:05

Out of that cupboard and hold your head up!

"I am Westie, hear me roar squeak crossly but it's a START!"

Well done you.

HaroldLloyd Sat 20-Jul-13 00:29:44

Good on you!

PixelAteMyFace Sat 20-Jul-13 00:38:02

What does this woman actually do for you?

She sounds very manipulative and selfish, and if she worded a message to your daughter in such a way that she thought there was something wrong with you and your baby - well, that sets alarm bells ringing. That kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable.

To be honest, I`d run a mile from someone like her who bulldozes her way to get what she wants. Having stuff delivered to your mum is a complete cheek, especially as she hadn`t even met her. It sounds as though you should end this non-friendship ASAP as there seem to be no boundaries to her piss-taking.

She`s not a friend, she has proved that by not looking after your dog - when you were in labour ffs - despite you having her dog so often. She is taking advantage of your good nature. If you start refusing to dog-sit she wil no doubt find some other gullible soul and drop you like a hot brick

Drop her first - you don`t need her.

Oscalito Sat 20-Jul-13 01:57:23

She sounds awful. There's nothing to say you can't continue to smile, make small talk etc with someone if you both live in the same place.

Remember she can't actually do anything to you just because you've stood up for yourself and said no. People like that just rely on others to be too nice to say no, once you say no they don't really have a leg to stand on though, especially as she does very little for you.

I can't believe she wouldn't look after your dog, yet still asks you (and two weeks is a long time, too).

Once she gets told no a few times she'll probably back off anyway. Well done for saying no to her.

Officershitty Sat 20-Jul-13 05:05:32

She is a manipulator and a user, and taking advantage of your good nature. If she comes back whinging after your refusal, the suggested broken record is a good idea. If you lose her as a friend, then I would say she was not much of a friend in the first place.

LittleEsme Sat 20-Jul-13 07:25:36

OP you have plenty of reasons to run a mile from this woman. She seriously over stepped the mark contacting your daughter and using your Mum - this woman is no friend of yours. But, I understand your need to avoid confrontation since you live in such a close community. The broken record suggestion is excellent - it's passive and gentle, but it's firmly making a point that you won't be used by her again.

You sound lovely OP - make sure you try meet some other friends that deserve you.

You said no and listed why...then she asked your daughter to help you behind your back, therefore not taking no for an answer!? shock

She lied about what she was doing that one time because she knew she was taking the piss.

She's a piss taker & a user.

After that you have every right to just say no...and if she tries to manipulate you into it again just refuse!

Cheeky bitch hmm

SanityClause Sat 20-Jul-13 07:49:35

If she asks why, tell her you don't really like looking after her dog, and that she needs to find someone else to do it.

Don't make excuses about why it is inconvenient this time as she will manage to overcome them for you. Just keep saying, no, I'm sorry, I really don't want to do it. If she keeps asking why, just, I'm sorry, I don't like doing it. If she asks why not, I'm sorry, I just don't.

Make sure DH, and your daughter know, as well, so she can't manipulate the situation using them.

Remember, she didn't look after your dog, even once!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sat 20-Jul-13 08:15:05

What reason did she give for not taking your dog?

Just repeat that ad Infinitum back at her, every time she asks.

I said to say NO, and having read your updates I repeat "Say No" and stick to it. Make sure that anyone that she has access to knows that you have said "no", and won't panic if she tries the same trick again. Don't back down. Recommend that relatives/ friends block her on fb. I'm wondering who she is, as I met someone like on fb hmm

Pawprint Sat 20-Jul-13 08:46:20

As someone once said "I used to be a nice girl? But I'm better now"

Learning to say "no" is a skill. I went on an assertiveness course and it really helped my doormat behaviour.

I recommend it.

quesadilla Sat 20-Jul-13 09:03:35

What snazzy said. Get straight in your mind what it is you want to say, that makes it easier to hold the line when she tries to bully you.

People like this woman are adept at picking up weakness and exploiting it. Showing her you aren't going to be swayed on this sends her a strong message and will also boost your confidence.

She is a bully who is taking advantage and frankly it doesn't sound like she is a friend.

helenthemadex Sat 20-Jul-13 09:11:16

just say no and keep repeating you dont have to add anything to it, thats often how I get manipulated into something when I try and give a reason for it.

No is a complete sentence grin if you are feeling nice give her the details of a Kennel nearby, they generally charge about 9euros a day here the money she has save by using you would pay for a nice holiday!!

ChasedByBees Sat 20-Jul-13 09:18:49

She sounds so horrible - organising for your daughter to come home by implying there's something wrong with you or your baby. Words fail me. She is massively taking advantage and not a friend.

WitchOfEndor Sat 20-Jul-13 09:20:31

Tell her that you've looked after her dog for months and she hasn't looked after yours so until that changes you won't be able to look after hers. And ignore any of her arguments/ texts, you don't have to justify your decision any further.

myfirstkitchen Sat 20-Jul-13 09:20:32

She's taking the piss.
Get out there and take the baby to groups and swimming etc and meet others. You sound like a caring person. Don't let her make you weary of others.

RussianBlu Sat 20-Jul-13 09:21:13

Some people are so rude, selfish and thoughtless it is unbelievable. GO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

myfirstkitchen Sat 20-Jul-13 09:22:04

And tell your daughter to tell her no too! What a horrid pushy using bitch this woman sounds.

WitchOfEndor Sat 20-Jul-13 09:23:20

And warn your family to check with you if she contacts them.

Tbh if this results in the end of your friendship then it isn't exactly a loss, is it?

BonzoDooDah Sat 20-Jul-13 09:26:45

Well done. Stick to your guns and be strong.

myfirstkitchen Sat 20-Jul-13 09:28:19

And change your FB settings for her so she can't see your friends to contact them or your updates. But probably won't realise for ages, if at all, unlike if you delete her. I've got loads of people on restricted!!

gnittinggnome Sat 20-Jul-13 09:46:49

She doesn't sound like a friend at all, and whilst you don't need to be confrontational about it (to avoid stress in the future) just gently ease yourself out of her life. And definitely change your FB settings. And let your nearest and dearest know that she is not your mate.

Good luck! And you will gradually find more people to be friends with - it took me a while before I found the right group when I lived overseas, but there will be more likeminded people there to find and enjoy life with!

CrapBag Sat 20-Jul-13 10:47:52

Wow, total piss taker. Sorry but she just wants you for dog sitting. The lie would have really pushed me too far plus the contacting my family. If she can't look after her dog then she shouldn't have it or put it in kennels.

Tell her you won't be doing it again as you can't cope with her dog. I strongly suspect that you won't hear from her.

speedyboots Sat 20-Jul-13 10:56:10

Good for you! Agree with all the previous posters - she is taking the piss and you have done the right thing. Just wanted to add, make sure your family knows not to trust anything she says so they aren't getting manipulated too.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sat 20-Jul-13 20:29:07

How are you doing, Westie - has she been back in contact?

She rang your daughter shock

KittensoftPuppydog Sat 20-Jul-13 21:41:58

Good for you. She sounds ghastly.

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 20-Jul-13 23:01:06

Good for you! She is totally taking the piss, I had a friend like her once. I managed to phase her out and never looked back.

What a cow!

Well done OP. Be strong! If she texts back asking why just keep repeating "sorry, I can't help, it doesn't suit me".

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