DPs ex insisting on having MY address?

(217 Posts)
GirIFiend Fri 19-Jul-13 20:46:11

DP and I been together 10 months.

His DS who is 8 has always stayed with DP and DP's parents at their house which is where DP lived until 6 weeks ago when he moved in with me.

Last month DSS came to stay at my house to meet me and my DSes on his agreed contact weekend.

The plan was the same for this month but out of the blue DP's ex has texted saying she wants MY address or DSS will not be coming shock She says she has the right to know where her DS will be staying.

Can she insist on this?

CocktailQueen Fri 19-Jul-13 20:47:16

Well, from her POV, yes, I would like to know where my dc were staying when not with me!!

Hassled Fri 19-Jul-13 20:48:32

I don't know is she can insist on it but it seems completely reasonable to me. I would be very uncomfortable not knowing where my 8 year old was staying. What's the problem in just letting her know?

ProphetOfDoom Fri 19-Jul-13 20:48:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 20:48:41

Why so shocked? Do you think she will come round and harass you? I would want to know where my 8 year old was.

kim147 Fri 19-Jul-13 20:48:54

There's a thread on chat where the mum wants to know where her DS is staying the night with ex.

I think it is good for a parent to know where their child is staying in case something happens.

IneedAyoniNickname Fri 19-Jul-13 20:49:08

I've asked my ex for his address (he lives with his gf) he's refused to give it though.
However, I haven't stopped the dc going purely because its not fair on them.
Personally I think she does have a right to know where her dc is staying.

MissStrawberry Fri 19-Jul-13 20:49:18

Why wouldn't you want to give her your address? Of course she has the right to know where her child is.

moanymandy Fri 19-Jul-13 20:49:58

yabu. if your dp has moved in dss will obviously be a regular visitor to your house.

I too would insist on knowing where my dc are staying.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 20:50:38

And fwiw if it went to court I think it most likely she would be given address unless she wants simply to cause trouble.

NatashaBee Fri 19-Jul-13 20:50:38

I don't think she's being unreasonable.

DearPrudence Fri 19-Jul-13 20:50:54

Have I got this right? Your partner has moved in with you even though you've never met his son? This is all arse about face

As for the original question - YABU

selsigfach Fri 19-Jul-13 20:51:24

Of course she is entitled to know where her young son is staying. And quite right about not permitting him to go to an unknown address. YABVVU for making an issue about this.

Leviticus Fri 19-Jul-13 20:51:35

YABU. She needs to know where her child is. Why don't you want her to know?

chandellina Fri 19-Jul-13 20:51:48

What if it were your ds in that situation? It's totally reasonable.

Doodledumdums Fri 19-Jul-13 20:51:51

Sorry, I am on her side! I would absolutely refuse to allow my son to stay at an unknown location, I don't think she is being unreasonable at all.

Why would you not want her to have it?

Leviticus Fri 19-Jul-13 20:53:05

Oh and it's not just YOUR address any more is it?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 19-Jul-13 20:54:44


She has every right to know where her DS is staying.

Ezio Fri 19-Jul-13 20:55:02

I'd like to know where my DD was when shes with her dad. What if something happened and she needs to get to yours.

thegreylady Fri 19-Jul-13 20:55:09

She is being perfectly reasonable.Surely you would want an address where your own children would be staying even if they were with the father.She would be unreasonable if she didn't want to know.You would be unreasonable not to tell her.

MyPrettyToes Fri 19-Jul-13 20:55:23

If your DP has moved in with you it is now HIS address too. She has a right to where her son will be. YABU.

scottishmummy Fri 19-Jul-13 20:56:05

Damn right she can insist on knowing where her child will be staying
And what's more I'd do a drive by reccy to see location,and I'd be asking your suitability
You're needing to be more aware of how a mother feels entrusting her child to ex new girlfriend

lunar1 Fri 19-Jul-13 20:56:21

What on earth is wrong with you? She is his mother and has every right to know where he is. It doesn't bode well for the future if you are this petty now.

babyhmummy01 Fri 19-Jul-13 20:56:54

As a step mum even I think yabu! I am not a mum in my own right yet (4 more weeks) but even I can understand why she wants to know.

When I met DP's kids I offered his exw the chance to meet me so she knew who I was etc. I might be naive but she is their mum and in her shoes I would want to know who my kids are with and where they are.

Unless you have something to hide I am not sure I understand why you are up in arms about it

HatieKokpins Fri 19-Jul-13 20:57:11

YABVU. She has every right to know where her child is.

If my DC were regular visitors there I would most certainly want their fathers address. Because that's what it is now, not just your address. I think she is being perfectly reasonable to make the request. It would be most unreasonable to deny it IMHO, unless there is threat of harassment or violence etc.

Can I ask why you find it so shocking that a mother would want to be made aware of where her young child is?

NicknameIncomplete Fri 19-Jul-13 21:00:39

YABU. If my child was going somewhere/anywhere for the weekend i would want to know where they are going.

scratchandsniff Fri 19-Jul-13 21:01:05

YABVU - put yourself in her shoes.

burberryqueen Fri 19-Jul-13 21:01:16

YABU - one of the last times ex and his wife came to take the children for the weekend, they refused to give me their address (to avoid CSA) - therefore the children did not go with them - what kind of mother would be happy sending off their children to an unknown destination?
now ex whines that i 'prevent him from seeing the children'

Gruntfuttock Fri 19-Jul-13 21:01:56

If I was the mother I would want to meet you, as well as know your address. Good grief.

BreadNameBread Fri 19-Jul-13 21:02:08

Why does it bother you that if she has your address?
'Your' house is now your DPs and DSS's house too.

Xihha Fri 19-Jul-13 21:02:42

Yes she can stop contact over not being given an address and if it was to go to court then yes they could make an order saying your dp has to provide an address for where the child will be staying before contact is resumed (provided there isn't a valid reason she shouldn't have the address)

Why are you so shocked? Of course she wants to know where her 8 year old is staying, any mother would!

TalkativeJim Fri 19-Jul-13 21:04:30

Stop and think why this is your immediate reaction.

An automatic 'That woman who I don't want to have to think about my boyfriend having once slept with wont be having MY address, shes NOTHING to do with us!!' - ??

If so... please, for all your sakes, just move on now. Dump him.

She ISN'T just 'his ex'. She's the mother of his child. She's the most important person in the life of the child who YOU are presumably prepared to start having an input with. She will always be in your life if you stay with your bf.

The best thing you could do is to give your address, followed up with 'I'm happy to say hi on the phone/meet up at some point so you know who xx is staying with'.

Step over to the stepmum threads, have a good think, and start as you mean to go on.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 19-Jul-13 21:04:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DukeSilver Fri 19-Jul-13 21:05:47

Of course she wants to know where he is!!

When my dd is with her dad he always lets me know where they are and I do the same with him if I have her somewhere other than my house. Just common courtesy really.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 19-Jul-13 21:06:06

Once they've visited a couple of times, the 8yo will be able to tell the address anyway. The mother has no legal right to know, but it's pointless to refuse.

HappyDoll Fri 19-Jul-13 21:06:44

Great post TalkativeJim Couldn't have put it better myself.

HappyDoll Fri 19-Jul-13 21:07:50

OldLady The mother absolutely has a legal right to know where her 8 y o is. No court would ever forbid it.

LookMaw Fri 19-Jul-13 21:07:55

Unless there's some sort of court order for her to stay away from you, aside from spite I cannot fathom why you would want to torment a woman by not letting her know where her child is.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 19-Jul-13 21:08:42

Er - yabu to find this odd.

She wants to know where her child is when possible. Totally reasonable. Like it or lump it.

She can't insist but she has a right to know where her kids are staying.

My ex did this, moved in with OW wouldn't tell me his address or phone number, but wanted his 5 year old to travel 300 miles to stay somewhere I had no clue about! hmm

Still18atheart Fri 19-Jul-13 21:10:13


when i saw the title I thought that it was some random ex and you weren't living together. BUT your DP has a son with this woman and he is living with you.

OPeaches Fri 19-Jul-13 21:11:19

OP, your stance is so incredibly unreasonable, I'm guessing this is one of those reverse threads, and that you are 'the ex' rather than the new gf?

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Fri 19-Jul-13 21:13:07

What a weird thread, how on earth can you not think this is a reasonable, and perfectly normal request.

I agree with the poster who suggested you forget him, and move on. You're clearly not cut out to cope with a stepchild. hmm

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Fri 19-Jul-13 21:13:38

Wow, err, of course she needs to have the address where her child is going to be staying!

scottishmummy Fri 19-Jul-13 21:15:50

If i were ex wife I'd insist on meeting you too

Vatta Fri 19-Jul-13 21:17:31

Unless there's evidence that she would use the address in an illegal way (eg to harass you) then of course a court would give her the address. She has every right to insist on Knowing where her son is!i don't understand why this is a problem for you.

kim147 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:17:55


Would you want your ex to insist on meeting your new partner?

MammaTJ Fri 19-Jul-13 21:18:52

Another vote for a reverse! I would not be letting my DC go to an unknown address and you shouldn't either OP (assuming I'm right). If I am wrong then YABVVVVU!

pianodoodle Fri 19-Jul-13 21:19:10

What TalkativeJim said.

Plus, presuming her child can read he can give her the address in any case so it's daft to refuse. Or are you going to tell him he's forbidden to tell his mother where he is?

scottishmummy Fri 19-Jul-13 21:22:08

I don't have an ex.
But Were children were involved yes I'd expect to meet adults they'd be spending time with
I'd expect adults to cooperate and accept if children are spending time all adults need be cordial,feel safe handing over child

reelingintheyears Fri 19-Jul-13 21:23:58

I agree, i'd want to know where mine were.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 21:24:38

If my ex wanted my daughter to spend a lot of time with him and another woman I would like to know something about her, possibly even meet her.

Of course that would apply the other way round. How can you not want to know who is looking after your child? I would respect his right to want information and reassurance, just as I hope he would respect mine.

GirIFiend Fri 19-Jul-13 21:24:42

Well I think she has no business. And DP has sent her a message pointing out that obstructing contact due to plain nosiness would not be looked at favourably in court.

burberryqueen Fri 19-Jul-13 21:25:36

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BoyMeetsWorld Fri 19-Jul-13 21:25:45

Is this some sort of Fathers For Justice troll thread to get us all wound up or something?

I can't believe anybody could genuinely ask such a ridiculous question. If you are a mum yourself surely you understand how the other mum feels & their right to not only know where their child is but inspect it if they want.


burberryqueen Fri 19-Jul-13 21:26:16

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babyhmummy01 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:26:32

girlfiend are you for real??!! Would you allow the father of your kids to take the Christ knows where without question?

WafflyVersatile Fri 19-Jul-13 21:26:48

Does your DP know where his ex lives?

Most split parents know each other's addresses unless there is good reason not to.

WafflyVersatile Fri 19-Jul-13 21:26:59

Do you know where his ex lives?

scottishmummy Fri 19-Jul-13 21:27:12

Why wouldn't a father want the mother of child to know where child is?
I think he's trying to wind the mum up,and you're the willing compliant new gf
I bet he told you his ex us a right cow?just think he left her.he can ,eave you too

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 21:27:52

It's not plain nosiness, as has been explained to you.

And I cannot recall a case I have been involved in where a judge refused to allow ex to know address for overnight contact UNLESS harassment was involved.

Your partner sounds like a nasty prick.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 19-Jul-13 21:28:48

Of course she has a right to know where her child is sleeping I'm with scottishmummy I'd be wanting to meet you before my child is staying at your house!!

WafflyVersatile Fri 19-Jul-13 21:28:56

If it was your DP visiting you with his DS then I'd see it differently. While he is in charge of his DS then he can take him here and there, without her having to know all their movements but this is her ex's home and her DC's 2nd home.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 19-Jul-13 21:30:33

Nosiness? Seriously? Maybe she just wants to know where her child will be.

You sound horrible.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 19-Jul-13 21:30:46

Is this a reverse AIBI?

Why would you be: shock at a mother wanting to know where her 8YO DS is staying overnight...?

georgedawes Fri 19-Jul-13 21:30:54

Ops user name suggesting a wind up

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 19-Jul-13 21:32:17

Apologies OP, but also looking at your previous threads (trying to decide if you were genuine or a troll who should be reported), I see as of July 2012, so only a year ago, you were posting about your DH.

So on the grounds of those dates if you've been with DP 10 months, you got with him minimum of 2 months after separating from DH. That's all VERY fast moving to now have another man living with you & your children and to be introduced to his DS who is now staying with you.

I think most courts would firmly understand his Ex wife's concerns, presuming there is no harassment reason why she shouldn't know the location.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 19-Jul-13 21:32:52

And 'nosiness'...?!

This isn't about you. I'm sure she doesn't give two hoots about you and where you live. You're probably not that interesting to her.

She just wants to know where her 8YO is staying overnight.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 21:33:04

I do hope it's a wind up. However, I have met professionally and personally many, many people who act like this and have the emotional intelligence of a dead badger.

Dadthelion Fri 19-Jul-13 21:33:13

Nasty prick!

You can tell that from two posts that aren't even by him.

I've never really got this need to know addresses in case something happens. If something bad happened surely they wouldn't stay at the house.

But I can't really understand not giving out the address, and hasn't she heard of Google?

Maybe83 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:33:40

Great start to a parenting relationship! You have let some one move into your home with your kids and you ve met his child once? And yes I absolutely would want to know were my child was for visitation I would also want to meet you. Just like I have with my dd stepmother and just like my step sons mother has with me....to help create an as stable and healthy environment for my children both bio & step...

How incredibly immature of you both. How would your partner feel if his sons mother moved to a new location and refused to provide his child s address...?

Unless there is a history of dangerous violent behaviour this is not healthy parenting in my opinion.

Ezio Fri 19-Jul-13 21:33:51

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WineNot Fri 19-Jul-13 21:34:31

No business?

Oh dear. You're not very bright, are you?

alcibiades Fri 19-Jul-13 21:34:43

Having typed out a long reply, and then reading some of the responses, the OP could well be a wind-up, or a reverse AIBU, but having typed it, I'll post it anyway:

I'm not sure about this. I think I've read here that if a parent has parental responsibility, then where that parent exercises that parental responsibility is up to them, and the other parent doesn't have the right to refuse contact solely on the grounds that they don't know where that exercising of parental responsibility is taking place.

In this particular case, the father is just as much a parent as the mother is. I doubt any court would permit a mother to refuse contact on the grounds that she doesn't know where her child is when that child is with its father. And I doubt any court would insist that the mother should have the right to meet the stepmother.

Ultimately, and it's also the court's view these days, it's not about the adults (who only have responsibilities, not rights), it's about what is in the best interests of the child. Personally, I would think it would be in the best interests of an 8 year old to know that his mother knows where he is when he is with his father. An 8-year-old, being introduced to his father's new partner, and in a new home, could well find that quite a daunting transition, and some reassurance that his mum knows where he is could help him settle.

So, although I don't think the mother has the right, as such, to your address while the child is with his father, it is in the best interests of the child that there is as little conflict as possible between his parents over their responsibilities and his care. And on that basis, I think you should accede to the mother's request to know the address where you and the child's father live, which is where the boy will usually be when he's with his father.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 21:35:30

Dadthelion - I said he sounds like a nasty prick. Ad I stand by that. He is refusing to let the mother have the address AND is sending nasty, pompous, vaguely threatening texts about it.

Ergo, nasty prick.

WafflyVersatile Fri 19-Jul-13 21:35:49

I do agree that she shouldn't deny contact.

Doodledumdums Fri 19-Jul-13 21:37:00

Got to be a wind up surely?! If not then i'd seek legal advice before your partner starts telling her what the court may or may not view favourably, because I think you'll find you are both totally wrong!

If being a good mother means i'm 'Nosy' then tattoo pinocchio on my forehead!

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 21:38:37

There is no 'legal right' to have an address as far as I know but, as I have said, I cannot recall a case where an address could be withheld in this situation UNLESS harassment an issue.

What on earth is the problem with one ex reassuring the other. Why people want to behave like this I have no idea. Very petty, silly and sad.

HamsterDam Fri 19-Jul-13 21:39:42

so he is threatening to take her to court rather that give her YOUR address?
nasty and petty behaviour from both of you.
put the poor kid first if you're capable of that.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 21:40:24

I think she would not be criticised for refusing overnight contact if the address is withheld. She is entitled to know also if the property is suitable if the child has a bed etc.

I would be quite suspicious about what they were trying to hide.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Fri 19-Jul-13 21:41:09

Blimey, your user name really suits you. hmm

TheFallenNinja Fri 19-Jul-13 21:41:46


When it comes to families that have been broken apart it's not entirely unreasonable to expect grown ups to behave like grown ups.

Sometimes we have to make concessions and consider other people's feelings.

WandaDoff Fri 19-Jul-13 21:42:42


Zyngaling Fri 19-Jul-13 21:42:50

Run for the hills. This guy would rather go to court than give his children's mother the reassurance she needs? I've been through court three times and it's a very stressful business. When I move I will give my x my new address. (we had an extremely acrimonious split too)

Notmadeofrib Fri 19-Jul-13 21:43:59

Heat stroke, a clear case of heat stroke. Lie down dear and take on fluids. Have something sweet biscuit

Why don't you want her to know?

TidyDancer Fri 19-Jul-13 21:45:36

OP, you're not a very nice person are you?

Of course it's reasonable for a parent to want to know the address of where their child is staying overnight. She's not stopping him staying, she's putting an extremely understandable and more than reasonable condition on it.

You are seriously heartless and totally ridiculous if you genuinely don't understand that.

Icantstopeatinglol Fri 19-Jul-13 21:46:23

Yabu, I am a stepmother and mother and we have had numerous issues with my dh ex but I would never have an issue with her having my address! Every mother or father has the right to know where their kids are.

TSSDNCOP Fri 19-Jul-13 21:48:11

Mostly I think you're a wind up given you claim to have DC but cannot see his EDW point.

If he didn't live with you I'd actually err on the side of saying the EDW doesn't have a right to your address. if the DC is with it's DF, then is it the business of the EDW to know the child's whereabouts.

But your living together is a whole new ball of chalk. And you are massively out of line for enabling your DP to avoid answering a straightforward question.

How the bloody fuck would you feel?

needaholidaynow Fri 19-Jul-13 21:48:25

I remember when DP and I moved in to our first house and he didn't give his ex our address for quite a while. He always met her when it came to dropping their daughter off/ picking her up. They were both as bad as each other really because she didn't want him having her number so all contact over the phone was done through his ex's mother.

I thought it was so petty and childish of them, and I felt like banging their bloody heads together!!!!

OP, unless there is a risk of any of you being harassed by her if she is a bit of a loon, then give her your address. Just so she knows where her child is. smile

Viviennemary Fri 19-Jul-13 21:51:40

I think a Mother has absolutely every right to know where her child is spending time. This is probably just the start of the difficulties so maybe this kind of arrangement is just not for you.

boymeetsworkd what other threads? I can't find any.

OP yabvu but you already know that

TalkativeJim Fri 19-Jul-13 21:56:18

Oh I see.

You actively want to be on bad terms with the other half of this poor little boy's parenting 'team'. Right, that's different then.

I'm sure you've got your reasons, probably something to do with being as much of a prick as your delightful new boyfriend. Oh well.

Methe Fri 19-Jul-13 21:57:00

Good God, YABU. You both sound like arseholes.

Methe Fri 19-Jul-13 21:57:57

That is you ad your dp. His ex sounds quite normal and reasonable.

Namechangingnorma Fri 19-Jul-13 21:59:52

as a step mother without dcs of my own I think you are totally mad. DH's ex not only knows where we are but she is more than welcome in my house as I am in hers. we get on well, this is what is best for dsd, stop being so selfish! if you are going to have a partner with kids then you should do everything you can to have a good relationship with the ex

imademarion Fri 19-Jul-13 22:00:08

For crying out loud, put your ego aside and think if the child and his mother. Be civilised or at least civil and grow up.

She is entrusting you with her child.

Please return the complement by letting her know where he/she will be.

And yes, read some stepparenting threads.

This really isn't all about you.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 19-Jul-13 22:01:33

Fatima - search user name GirlFiend. There's one called Architecture Management or the like which mentions the OPs DH...conveniently at the end of that she also 'forgets her details' and switches to username They Saw Me Coming . Hmmmm.

kim147 Fri 19-Jul-13 22:02:30

If this thread is real then a quick question:

What was your DPs thought? Does he think his ex should have the address?

Or is this your decision?

MrsBungle Fri 19-Jul-13 22:03:57

What a terrible attitude you have op.

I would absolutely want to know where my dc's were staying and who with. That's good parenting, not nosiness.

seefooddiet Fri 19-Jul-13 22:04:25

I bet you dont want her to have the address because youve been fed shit, you know, like the xdw is a psycho, just wants to cause trouble, wants your dp back.

They are the reasons I wasnt to know where my then 3yr was staying, despite me being the 1 that ended the relationship and moving away, and the fact I'd have rather died than spend a second more than I had towith xdp

Not all exs have ulterior motives!

HarrietSchulenberg Fri 19-Jul-13 22:06:16

School holiday boredom seems to have set in early this year.

quoteunquote Fri 19-Jul-13 22:07:12

OP, Exactly why would you not want her to know your address?

It would be highly irresponsible for her not to have full contact details.

so why the resistance, is she a known axe murder? or are you a drama larma?

BrevilleTron Fri 19-Jul-13 22:07:21

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nennypops Fri 19-Jul-13 22:07:29

It's pointless trying to keep it quiet anyway. An 8 year old is surely going to be able to tell his mother what road df lives in, what number the house is and, probably, what town or village it's in. So you might as well tell her now.

MammaTJ Fri 19-Jul-13 22:08:05

Well I rather think you or your DP (of all of 5 minutes) are very wrong about court!

No court in the land will send a child to an address unknown to the parent with care! Dream on!

needaholidaynow Fri 19-Jul-13 22:09:12

My DP's ex is welcome here too and I think I would be welcome at hers. I've never been inside her house. I won't be inviting her round for tea or anything and vice versa; I think we both have the same boundaries in common. But stopping for a few minutes and being civil is fair enough.

Ezio Fri 19-Jul-13 22:09:23

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OPeaches Fri 19-Jul-13 22:09:25

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Zyngaling Fri 19-Jul-13 22:11:26

I agree with Breville, I didn't realise you were a mother yourself! that makes this even more surprising.


nennypops Fri 19-Jul-13 22:20:22

Ahem why? Must admit when there's a spate of deleted messages my curiosity goes into overdrive.

cheeseandpineapple Fri 19-Jul-13 22:21:44

boymeetsworld, I think that's a different poster. OP isn't girlfiend but girIFiend.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 19-Jul-13 22:26:03

Ah ok take that point back if wrong OP...

Maybe OP was part of the marital breakdown. It does seem odd that OP is acting in a hostile manner...

Not sure of the legal situation, but I think it would be kind to let the mother know the address/contact numbers etc but then I am assuming reasonable adults who are civil to each other irrespective of the rights/wrongs of the circumstances of the relationship breakdown.


Szeli Fri 19-Jul-13 22:28:08

It's not your address anymore its your DPs address too...

mayoandchips Fri 19-Jul-13 22:31:41

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NicknameIncomplete Fri 19-Jul-13 22:32:02

The other thread is by the same poster.

RinseAndRepeat Fri 19-Jul-13 22:33:41

I'm going to stick my head over the parapet here and say I don't think OP is necessarily BU.

I've only skim read the thread but I gather that OP's DP doesn't live at her address, he's just bringing the children with him to stay at her place on his access weekends?

In that case it's not really the ex's business where he takes his own children on the weekends he has them.

When DSD is with us we sometimes take her down to stay with my friends or family. DP certainly doesn't give his ex my dad's or grandmother's address before we set off. It's up to him where he takes her.

Likewise, his ex often takes DSD to stay with her boyfriend's family. No way would DP be insisting that she hand over her boyfriend's mum's address!

So actually, I think unless the DP is officially living with OP, the ex doesn't really have a right to demand OP's address. And when the DCs are with OP's DP, it's not really the ex's business. (Assuming the OP's DP is a good, responsible dad, etc).

NicknameIncomplete Fri 19-Jul-13 22:35:21

OP said her dp moved in 6 weeks ago. That says to me that they are living together.

RinseAndRepeat Fri 19-Jul-13 22:35:30

Duh that'll teach me to skim read! I see that the DP <does> live with the OP. in which case, OP is mad to think ex doesn't have a right to know the address. Of course she does!

Gruntfuttock Fri 19-Jul-13 22:36:21

RinseAndRepeat it says in the OP that he moved in with her six weeks ago.

EvieanneVolvic Fri 19-Jul-13 22:36:43

Rinse, the fact that the OP's DP lives with her is at the end of the second sentence of the first post.

As you were...

rinse It says in the OP that he has been living with her for 6 weeks

HamsterDam Fri 19-Jul-13 22:37:58

rinse- you must have skim read the op aswel as the thread- they do live together

Sorry x-post

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Fri 19-Jul-13 22:41:34

Pointless arsiness on your part, OP.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Fri 19-Jul-13 22:42:03

(and that applies whatever your motive for starting the thread)

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RinseAndRepeat Fri 19-Jul-13 22:43:59

Yes thank you everybody. I did post a second time saying I'd realised my mistake.

Samu2 Fri 19-Jul-13 22:45:37


People like you shouldn't get involved with someone with kids.

Mum has a right to know exactly where her child is staying. Anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy. My ex tried to pull that with me when he moved once because he was worried I would give his address to debt collectors. Sorry, my kids weren't going anywhere until I had that address, my solicitor said that was perfectly acceptable for me to deny contact until he gave it to me.

NicknameIncomplete Fri 19-Jul-13 22:45:46

Lunatic - i have put im GirlFiend into search and it came up with the other thread. You cant have 2 posters with the same name.

IneedAyoniNickname Fri 19-Jul-13 22:49:45

If I type GirlFiend into the search, it finds the other thread, which is actually by Girlfiend.
If I copy and paste, it finds this thread.

hurricanewyn Fri 19-Jul-13 22:50:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

scripsi Fri 19-Jul-13 22:50:54

the name of this OP is girifiend and not girlfiend. It is an I not an L.

NicknameIncomplete Fri 19-Jul-13 22:54:05

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

IneedAyoniNickname Fri 19-Jul-13 22:54:48

Ahhh! Thanks scripsi that makes sense!


Ahem why? Must admit when there's a spate of deleted messages my curiosity goes into overdrive.

A link to our talk guidelines
We dont allow troll hunting
Please report any concerns to MNHQ

IneedAyoniNickname Fri 19-Jul-13 22:55:55

A lower case L and a capital I look the same on my phone smile

hurricanewyn Fri 19-Jul-13 22:56:51

What'd I say confused

<you're quick tonight, Olivia>

notanyanymore Fri 19-Jul-13 22:58:30

Op wouldn't you want to know where your sons were staying in similar circs? I would!!

babyhmummy01 Fri 19-Jul-13 23:01:02

notanyanymore I asked the same upthread but she hasn't bothered to reply. Leads me to think she's not a real poster tbh

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirIFiend Fri 19-Jul-13 23:04:15

Okay okay. I confess. I am the ex, not the new g/f, and I am a n/c-ing regular because I strongly suspect the g/f uses MN and I don't want her to know my posting name.

I am sorry, because I know everyone hates reverse AIBUs, but I was starting to think I was going fucking nuts because after requesting the address I got a snarky message (clearly written by the g/f not by my ex, though purporting to be from him) telling me I was not getting it under any circumstances, and that I was obstructing contact out of plain nosiness, and that it would look bad in court shock

And I wanted to know if that was okay, because I am actually losing my mind a bit over this.

scripsi Fri 19-Jul-13 23:06:56


Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameIncomplete Fri 19-Jul-13 23:09:38

Why didnt you just ask from your point of view?

I am pretty sure you would have gotten the same answers.

WafflyVersatile Fri 19-Jul-13 23:09:59

That rather depends on the circs though. If you have history of being obstructive etc.

scottishmummy Fri 19-Jul-13 23:14:59

Don't sweat it,clearly you feel under a lot of pressure
I hope you got what you needed from the thread
Do you have any good pals to confide in?

imademarion Fri 19-Jul-13 23:17:04

Horrid situation for you and the DC.

Can you not try a civilised chat with your ex?

Hope you resolve it; I'd be wary of sending mine off somewhere unknown.

MalcolmTuckersMum Fri 19-Jul-13 23:19:40

I feel sorry for the situation you're in OP but please - humour me here - can you please just tell me/us why on earth you didn't just ask the question? Why did you have to go to all the pissabout of a reverse AIBU?

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Fri 19-Jul-13 23:20:26

Oh dear, poor you, horrible situation. Can't see how you are being in the slightest unreasonable for wanting to know where your son is. Nosiness?! What about safety, security, continuity of care and general adult ness?

Ugh. Foul pair

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 23:21:07

You are not going nuts. This is sadly very, very, common. It's about insecurity, need for control or bitterness on their part.

I would reply politely that you are afraid you cannot agree overnight contact if your child is staying at an unknown address.

Don't get drawn into an argument. If he wants to make this a court matter, let him knock himself out.

WafflyVersatile Fri 19-Jul-13 23:22:33

The thing with doing a reverse is it makes (me at least) wonder if they have good reason not to give you the address.

In an amicable co parenting relationship you wouldn't be threatening to withhold contact when you know your DC is going to be with his father and there would not be an issue with you knowing you Ex's home address.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 23:26:25

This is clearly not amicable, but you can't just jump to conclusion that refusal of address is justified because of her behaviour. I have found that is rarely the case, it is more often simply immature game playing by the withholding party, in my experience anyway.

scottishmummy Fri 19-Jul-13 23:27:36

I don't actually understand what reverse aibu is
But clearly op is at wit end

WafflyVersatile Fri 19-Jul-13 23:32:02

I haven't jumped to a conclusion. I said it makes me wonder.

I don't tend to assume that because someone makes an OP or is at the end of their tether that it must be because the other parties (who are not here to give their side) are the unreasonable ones. We don't know the backstory.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 23:37:57

Of course. We don't know anything for certain.

All I know is that in 10 years I have seen many men refuse addresses. In only a handful of cases was there any legitimate reason, such as fear of harassment by the woman.

The pompous arsey text also has a very familiar ring to it.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Fri 19-Jul-13 23:46:23

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Spero Fri 19-Jul-13 23:48:39

Yup. Nothing scarey or unreasonable about step mothers. Ever.

harverina Fri 19-Jul-13 23:49:50

Under no circumstances would I be allowing the contact to go ahead.

Not only do you have a right to know where your child is, you have a duty to make sure that wherever he is staying is appropriate so yanbu asking for the address.

Unless you have a history of being violent or aggressive to your oh or his partners then I can see no reason why you wouldn't be provided with the address.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Fri 19-Jul-13 23:54:09

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mayoandchips Fri 19-Jul-13 23:56:20

MNHQ, my post was deleted for saying I wasn't sure whether the thread was genuine, meaning potentially a reverse thread, which it is?!

BreadNameBread Sat 20-Jul-13 00:08:12

How about quietly getting your DC to note the address.

If you have an iPhone or whatever with Find My IPhone on it you could let your son take t with him and see where he s on the Find My iPhone app.

Are you sure you can't establish the girlfriends address by other means
- 192.com or whatever?

WafflyVersatile Sat 20-Jul-13 00:28:45

''Yup. Nothing scarey or unreasonable about step mothers. Ever.''

Yup. Nothing scary or unreasonable about mothers. Ever.

Look at the relationships section. So many threads about emotionally or physically abusive husbands ex partners etc. Not surprising of course, mostly women, mostly heterosexual and if they are on here already it's an obvious place to talk. But look at the other relationship threads about other relations. Suddenly there are a lot of emotionally and even physically abusive women, mothers, sisters, MILs, SILs.

These women people come on here to talk about are not just mothers and sisters and MILS but wives and partners to men.

I'm not trying to deny that women are overwhelmingly more at risk from violent men but when it comes to emotional abuse and fuckwittery I think it's probably a lot more evenly distributed.

BusyLizzie99 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:30:11

You aren't unreasonable for wanting to know but your ex isn't legally obliged to tell you and the Court would not see it as good cause for stopping contact. Your ex is an equal parent and as such is deemed to be equally as capable of making appropriate choices for your son as you are - ie providing suitable accommodation. At 8, your son is able to communicate any problems with the arrangement - which he hasn't - so while it isn't nice for you and I sympathize, theres very little you can do besides rising above your ex's games.

kim147 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:32:36

Just ask your son to look at the street and house number. It's not like they can hide that so I don't know why they are being so precious about it.

SoupDragon Sat 20-Jul-13 07:46:32

Just ask your son to look at the street and house number.

I do not think it fair to involve the child in finding out the address like this.

Spero Sat 20-Jul-13 07:49:32

Waffle, I agree. Women have no monopoly on sainthood, just as men are not always the villans.

BUT to refuse to tell the other parent of your child where that child will be sleeping UNLESS you have a genuine and reasonable fear the other parent will misuse that information, is 100%, no excuses, clear sign that you are a petty wankbadger.

lunar1 Sat 20-Jul-13 08:28:35

I really feel for you op, it's a twisted world where some bloody random can be put in such a position of power over the child you have loved and cared for every second of their existence.

My eldest is almost 5 I have put my boys to bed every night, I think part of me would die inside if dh and I split up and some random woman started dictating aspects of their life.

froggies Sat 20-Jul-13 08:54:57


My ex took our DD's to sleep at his gf's during his contact, I didn't ask for her address as he still had his own house. Then they got married and moved into another house, I asked for the address, he did not provide it. I let them go, after all he is their father. He didn't return them. Instead he made up some stuff about their elder brother and reported it to SS. and I did not even know where my daughters were.

He enrolled them into another school, and allowed me to see them for 1 hour in the next 2 1/2 weeks, which he personally supervised so that I wouldn't take them away.

Even with the police and social work telling him to bring them home (2 days after he made the call to SS), it took 2 1/2 weeks an indipendent court report and 2 court appearances for me to get them home.

I am not saying that your or your DP would do any of these things, or that me knowing where they lived would have changed things, but if you have nothing to hide why on earth wouldnt you tell her? it is perfectly reasonable for her to want to know the address that her exp is living at when their DS is staying with him.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 20-Jul-13 10:36:21

Where do you all get the idea that a court would view withholding contact under these circumstances as bad? ( those that have that idea)

I have lost count of the times clients of mine have had lengthy court proceedings in order to with hold addresses from violent NRP's backed up by police reports social worker reports and it still has to be decided by a court and its not always agreed by the courts.

I've also lost count of the amount of NRP's who without good reason lose or don't get unsupervised contact orders because they refuse to disclose where the children will stay whilst with them.

Its really quite rare for courts to tolerate withholding addresses without very good reason and I've personally had a judge explain in my presence to my ex that it is a basic duty and responsibility of a parent to be aware of there child's location (meaning quite clearly standard contact location not days out ect) ex still refused to disclose so his order was terminated.

The (very sensible)family law solicitor also posting on this thread has also confirmed that withholding it would be viewed badly.

Its a perfectly normal bit of information for both parents to have unless very good reason is found not to have it.

scottishmummy I'm sure you've worked it out by now but just incase reverse aibu = posting the situation from the other parties stance on the matter not your own.

Spero Sat 20-Jul-13 10:40:32

I completely agree sock - I have been representing mothers and fathers for over ten years in contact apps - if father was my client I would tell him to give address, if mother was my client I would say don't agree to overnight contact .

WafflyVersatile Sat 20-Jul-13 11:04:56

I agree with the wankbadger bit but I have no idea if they have reason or not. Which is what I've said all along. They shouldn't withhold the address unless there is good reason. If there is good reason to withhold it then they should do so and overnight access should not be denied.

Any OP is unlikely to say 'they won't give me the address just because I spent months hiding in a hedge outside my ex's old house with a kitchen knife'

DSS mum wouldn't give us her address for months when she moved.

Was weird. I don't know why you would keep it a secret?

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 20-Jul-13 11:19:47

How ridiculous! Why wouldn't you let the woman know where her child would be staying? I genuinely don't understand why this would be a problem. Unless you have something to hide there should be no issue!

I could not imagine anyone being comfortable with sending their child off to somewhere without knowing exactly where it was.

My sons dad came to my partners house before ds stayed there. He has all details comes here regularly and he's only has him 2 days a week.

Yab soooooooo u

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 20-Jul-13 11:21:25

OK just read there last page and saw it was a reverse aibu. Totally with you on this one. Have no advice, but i wouldn't be sending ds somewhere without an address

Sparklysilversequins Sat 20-Jul-13 11:26:57

I agree entirely that you should have address, without it my dc wouldn't be going.

However I remember posting on a thread a while ago where someone said they wanted the address of where their young dc were going on holiday with his new DP and the DC and the majority of posters on there gave her a bit of a roasting along the lines of "he is their FATHER, he doesn't have to tell you, YABU!"

What's the difference?

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 20-Jul-13 11:54:26

The difference is a holiday address is not a usual address or a usual contact visit address.

And when mothers post about issues relating to fathers there is quite a militant group of people who automatically post quite doggedly from the precisely equal stance or what they think is the equal stance but its usually more biased against the mother they also tend to forget that some parents are not equal to the other some parents are also incompetent neglectful abusive (note the use of the word parent rather than mum or dad) and they also fail to remember that BOTH parents have a duty to protect the child in all circumstances especially if that protection is required because of the other parent and to protect children from them.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 20-Jul-13 12:11:48

Good post SRP. smile

BoyMeetsWorld Sat 20-Jul-13 12:44:44

Ah, reverse AIBU. Somewhat irritating but still understandable.

I'd seek legal advice - you don't have to start anything, just get advised. I know in my situation exP and I usually always always tell each other where DS is and I'd be seriously unhappy if this wasn't the case but it has to go both ways. That said, he had a new gf recently and did have DS staying there without giving me an address or me really knowing anything about the woman / her home - I presumed there wasn't much I could do about that. Had he been actually moving in with her it would have been v different...

johnworf Sat 20-Jul-13 12:48:52

I am a mother and a stepmother. DSS lives with us and contact is limited with his mother.

In the past I have had problems with harrassment from her and the police have been involved. I have had to change my telephone and mobile numbers several times. However, she does know our address. It is written on all correspondence from solicitors and court anyway.

I can understand why he doesn't want to give out his address to a certain extend but, you need to know where you child is. What if there is an emergency and you need to pick him/her up in the middle of the night? Where would you go?

However, witholding the child from contact with the other parent is so very wrong and also something that happens all too often. The child is not at fault here and the issues you and your exP have should not involve the child. Sort them out via mediation or even better, be cordial to each other. It makes the whole situation much easier and better for the child/ren involved. They do pick up on tension and conflict.

You can request via the court that a CRB check is done on the new partner of your ex if you are worried about anything. If not, then try and speak to your ex and ask why he won't let you know where he is living and sort it out. PLEASE!

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 13:02:13

OP - if you don't trust your ex to keep your DC safe - withhold contact.

If you do trust him, then let it go. It's not nice, and totally unnecessary, but from experience I'd say that it's better for the DCs if you take the high ground and don't give them anything to worry about by asking for the address or withholding contact.

Yes, your ex is being an arse - but then that's not news, is it? If he wasn't an arse, he wouldn't be an ex! The key issue is whether he's a a good Dad - and if he's just doing this to get at you then I'd save your energy for issues that directly affect your DC.

GirIFiend Sat 20-Jul-13 14:25:12

Ex and I have not got on well and whilst I do trust that he will not harm my DS I find the way he treats me as DS's mother really unsettling.

He and his new g/f are making it very clear that they have no respect for me or my valid wish to know where DS will be. Its always been the agreement that I will know where DS is going - its just up til now, its always been the same place. I just feel like, if they don't think I have the right to know this one utterly fundamental bit of information then what the hell else will they decide is not my business to know/decide?

So when making plans for the next weekend, I said clearly that the visit was conditional on me getting the address. To which their response was to book ex's train ticket anyway, and tell me it had cost a lot of money and they hoped I wouldn't disappoint DS. When I reiterated that I would not be sending DS without the address, I got the aforementioned snarky message. They seem to think I don't mean it and ex is planning to come and get DS anyway confused

Oh and FTR, I have never harrassed ex, hidden in bushes, or anything of the sort.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 15:00:57

He and his new g/f are making it very clear that they have no respect for me or my valid wish to know where DS will be

While you would hope that would be how a parent behaves, you can't force him to and as you say - you don't believe it doesn't affect his ability to keep your DS safe. I often found out after the event that my DD had been staying hundreds of miles away from our home town, with her Dads relatives, or at his G/F house while he was away on business. If I made an issue if it, he'd encourage DD to lie, or keep secrets, so eventually I left it because I do trust my ex to keep her safe even if he doesn't respect my role in her life.

It's up to you of course, but withholding contact is only justified, imo (and the view of the courts) if you genuinely believe your DCs safety is at risk. If your ex does choose to take this to court because you have withheld contact he may well be ordered to tell you where he is living, but at what cost? Court is not only expensive but messy, soul destroying and adversarial. You may be asked to justify, on oath, why you withheld contact and challenged about your motives. Is it worth it?

Gruntfuttock Sat 20-Jul-13 15:04:43

I can't understand why they have any problem with you knowing the address. It seems ridiculous to me.

Spero Sat 20-Jul-13 15:17:39

Sparkly - when my ex goes away on holiday, I ask for an address and a land line if possible.

This is because if anything happens to me, my parents will need to get hold of him urgently and his mobile doesn't always have a signal.

In my experience holiday contact is often conditional n parents providing dates of travels, address and contact number. Again, I think this is basic information that both parents are entitled to have.

edam Sat 20-Jul-13 15:24:08

I think you are quite right to insist on an address and contact details. Your ex and his girlfriend are highly irresponsible and clearly putting their stupid need to play games with you ahead of any concern for the welfare of your child.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 15:52:18

edam the thing is, the OPs ex refusing to tell the OP where he lives doesn't impact on the welfare of the DC at all, does it?
The OPs DS will only be affected if she chooses to withhold contact or otherwise mention it - if she ignores her ex's game playing, her DS would never know that his Mum doesn't know where he is.

If the OP has concerns about her sons safety when he is in Dads care then knowing where he is won't make any difference - and contact should be withheld.

I'm not saying its right, but the more fuss the OP makes the worse it will be for her DS.

pinklady1107 Sat 20-Jul-13 15:56:05

I insisted on the same thing just this week for my children, I wanted an address of where they were going. I haven't even looked it up, merely stored it in my address book.
It's not unreasonable at all.

In the flip side I would gladly give my address to my partners ex if she asked

edam Sat 20-Jul-13 16:00:45

I disagree, pretty. The request for the address is perfectly reasonable. Withholding the address does affect the child as A. it causes antagonism without any good cause - there's no reason to be so difficult. B. in an emergency the OP needs to be able to locate her child/the OP's relatives need to be able to contact the child. C. Both parents are entitled to know the whereabouts of their child.

The OP's ex is being unreasonable and is putting his silly game-playing ahead of the needs of his child. That does not make him a good parent - in fact it casts doubt on his ability to understand what being a good parent is.

TurnipIsTaken Sat 20-Jul-13 16:12:16

The OP's ex is being unreasonable and is putting his silly game-playing ahead of the needs of his child. That does not make him a good parent - in fact it casts doubt on his ability to understand what being a good parent is.


You cannot be reasonable and sort it out with someone who is behaving unreasonably, it takes two. The mother's request is not ridiculous so why doesn't he go along with it, to ensure that contact takes place. Why should it be up to the mother to compromise if the vast majority of people think what she has asked is reasonable? It suggests that he cares more about winning than keeping things amicable for the child's sake, which makes him a crappy parent imo.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 16:13:01


A It will only cause antagonism if the OP rises to it; she can choose to ignore it, despite the intent, and the DC is not affected.
B If the DC is safe in the care of his DF, then what possible emergency could there be involving the OP that would require her son to be removed from that care?
C A parent has no legal rights regarding their DCs - the DCs have rights, not their parents.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 16:16:49

Being a crappy parent in the eyes of an exP isn't a good reason to withhold contact (I wish it was) - as long as the DC is safe, the law protects a DCs right to a relationship with both parents regardless.

TarkaTheOtter Sat 20-Jul-13 16:19:16

waffly we only ever hear one side of the story on AIBU - does that mean no one should ever say that someone is BU or not confused. In every thread people are just adjudicating on the facts as they are presented.

Spero Sat 20-Jul-13 16:19:32

I agree, withholding an address can clearly impact on child's welfare.

Obvious practical example - when I was having chemo, strong chance over six months I would need urgent hospitalisation at short notice. Once my ex went to stay in relatives house over weekend, refused to give address or landline, saying I could call his mobile. Only problem was no reception at relatives house. Why on earth, if there is an emergency should there be any difficulty at all about contacting the parent who has the child. Why should my parents have to rush about ringing his sister or mother, trying to track him down. What would have been the impact on my daughter if I had been very unwell or even died and she found out at dropping off time?

You may think this is extreme or unlikely example, to which my response is - tough shit. I was primary carer, I know full well I was more responsible and pro active than my ex. I did not fear he would deliberately hurt her but I knew from previous experience that he wouldn't be too fussed if she was hungry or tired. So I did worry when she was little - now she is 8, I worry less. But if he wants to play silly games with me, I draw the line very hard and fast. I have all the stress and strains of being the main carer so he will respect that, even if he obviously neither likes nor respects me as a person.

Ad I think such disrespect for the child's other parent is harmful to the child in other ways. It causes distress to the parent who worries aout where his or her child is, that distress may well impact on parents emotional availability to the child.

It is just a bloody stupid, needless, provocative piece of nastiness, to refuse to reassure the other parent. My ex has done it to me so I have experienced this both as a lawyer and as a mother.

The stress it caused me was such that I took a hard line and simply said - you will not take our daughter out of my care overnight unless I know where she is. If he had wanted to take me to court over this I was quite comfortable as I know well how the courts would view his behaviour.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 16:29:38

The stress it caused me was such that I took a hard line and simply said - you will not take our daughter out of my care overnight unless I know where she is. If he had wanted to take me to court over this I was quite comfortable as I know well how the courts would view his behaviour.

Which is why I asked the OP if it was worth it.

For you it was worth it; your circumstances meant the stress of not knowing was greater than for most people and your professional experience meant that Court was not a scary, unfamiliar place.
For others, the thought of 6+ months of family court, statements, meetings with solicitors, expense and impact on the DC is too big a price to pay for the reassurance of knowing the address the DCs stay when with their Dad.

SoupDragon Sat 20-Jul-13 16:29:43

I wonder how the OPs Ex would react should she state her intention to move house and not give him her new address.

Spero Sat 20-Jul-13 16:39:46

Pretty - you are quite right, people need to think hard about what stress they can handle and family court proceedings are no walk in the park. They can only ever be a last resort.

But when I was faced with an ex who did to seem to understand my perfectly reasonable requests for information about where a three year old would be and how I could get hold of him if I needed to, I do not see what other option I would have had open to me.

Fortunately someone must have spoken to him and told him not to be an arse because he eventually saw the light and now provides the information without making big song and dance about it.

StuntGirl Sat 20-Jul-13 16:58:09

He has moved house. It is only logical and sensible that he updates you with his new contact details. It matters not that the house he has moved into is his girlfriends house.

I would do the same thing as you.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 20-Jul-13 20:43:34

Parents don't have rights they have responsibilities.

Its a fundamental responsibility to be aware within reason of the location of your child and have on knowing where they are on a regular basis know they are safe.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 22:21:53

Its a fundamental responsibility to be aware within reason of the location of your child

What is the consequence of failing in that responsibility, sock?

I admit that I've done it for years, it never occurred to me that my DDs Dad should tell me when she spends a night at a sleepover with friends, or a weekend with grandparents hundreds of miles away.

My DP is guilty too, and I'm sure a lot of NRP are - he never knows whether his DCs are in their Mums care or someone else's; she works shifts so has a network of support - but DP is excluded from that - its reassuring to hear that the law would be on his side if he insisted on knowing where his DCs were regularly spending time.

JackNoneReacher Sat 20-Jul-13 22:45:20

So are they planning to tell your son that he is not to tell you where he has been for the weekend? Or will they blindfold him so he can't see the house number and street name?!

I completely see why you did a reverse AIBU. There are often different responses to Mums/Dads.

LookingForwardToMarch Sat 20-Jul-13 22:51:02

Depends..what kind of ex is she?

I also thought it was a reasonable request for dps ex to know my address....

That was until she turned up on my door, punched dp and got arrested. Then continued to harass me.

Now I don't care if her whole tribe comes to livr at my new house. Hell will freeze over before she gets our new address.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 20-Jul-13 23:02:32


The difference is you are talking about the odd occasion the op is talking about the usual place her child lives when on contact there are also clearly trust issues and more than likely valid ones. (Lack of previous unsupervised contact no nrp especially one whose prone to pulling shit like with holding addresses would put up with that if they knew there was no good reason).

God only knows what the consequences for failing in that are it was actually almost a word for word quote from the family law judge when my ex tried to pull the same stunt.

Ezio Sun 21-Jul-13 14:41:41

Has he actually even supplied DDs school with his contact details, because that would show hes a shit.

GirIFiend Sun 21-Jul-13 15:38:00

Well just to update this ridiculous saga..

I tried contacting ex's dad who has always been very decent with me even when ex and I have been at loggerheads. He has replied saying he doesn't have the address either and that for personal reasons (unspecified of course) the g/f doesn't want it shared but that in an emergency he would be able to get in touch with ex for me.

I'm not happy tbh. Not sure why the current g/f's 'personal reasons' trump my right and responsibility as the mother of ex's child but not sure what I can do...

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 21-Jul-13 15:41:41

You can be out if he shows up for contact if he has not provided you with an address by a few hours before collection.

Cravey Sun 21-Jul-13 15:42:36

If my 8 year old was staying in someone's home I too would want to know the address. I can't believe you even think this is wrong. Have you met the ex ? I think Yabu in fact I can't believe you think the ex is in the wrong. This is her child and ten months is not a long time to be in a child's life.

Cravey Sun 21-Jul-13 15:44:26

Having just realised this is a reverse thing I would not under any circumstances let my child stay somewhere without me knowing where he was. Don't let our child go its simple.

SoupDragon Sun 21-Jul-13 15:44:55

He has replied saying he doesn't have the address either

How has he moved in then? confused

SoupDragon Sun 21-Jul-13 15:47:06

Not sure why the current g/f's 'personal reasons' trump my right and responsibility as the mother of ex's child but not sure what I can do...

Well, she may have a stalker Ex and thus doesn't give her address out to people. Can't really think of another reason though.

JackNoneReacher Sun 21-Jul-13 15:47:13

cravey its a reverse aibu.

OP personally I wouldn't send him. You could just ask your son to tell you the address after his first visit. The FIL thing really isn't satisfactory.

Your ds must know where he is staying (when he's with them) if he gets lost he needs to be able to give someone the address he lives at.

Ezio Sun 21-Jul-13 15:51:24

Your ds must know where he is staying (when he's with them) if he gets lost he needs to be able to give someone the address he lives at.


My DD is 6 and knows the number, road and village.

pianodoodle Sun 21-Jul-13 16:19:59

In that case I wouldn't let him go.

PrettyPaperweight Sun 21-Jul-13 16:57:21

OP Now, I'd be worried and having a frank conversation with ex.

If there are personal reasons why your ex's partner needs to keep her address confidential, it suggests she may be at risk (a violent ex, maybe?) and therefore your DC would be at risk too if he's staying there.

Of course, it could be that she's fiddling benefits or similar - but now your exFIL has explained, I'd want some assurances from ex before I was comfortable.

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