to think its not my job to remind my exh about our dd birthday?

(63 Posts)

Its our dd's birthday today, we separated years ago and on the whole things are quite amicable.

Anyway he's forgot (his partner had a baby last week), just had a text off him saying I should have reminded him wtf!

My dd hasn't mentioned the lack of cards from any of her dads family but I know she's aware (she's 12 today)

I don't see why I should remind him, no one reminds me, ive sent him a text back saying its not my job anymore, ive yet to get a reply.

ImNotBloody14 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:25:04

Yanbu at all. Happy birthday your dd- my ds is 8 today! grin

I dont remind my exp- no card from him yet but my dcs will see him at the weekend so in guessing he will give acard then

flowery Thu 18-Jul-13 12:27:54

Well, no it's not your job, but pragmatically, if reminding him will ensure your dd is not disappointed, it might be a good idea to do so anyway.

No, why should you need to remind him of the date his child was born?

YouTheCat Thu 18-Jul-13 12:31:42

Yes, but then if you remind them, they get all snippy with 'of course I know when my child's birthday is'.

He's a grown man, capable of putting a date in his phone or on a calendar. Not your job, OP.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Jul-13 12:31:53

im afraid id be replying terribly sorry. it didnt occur to me for a second that there would be any circumstance under which you could forget the anniversary of the day your child came into the world.
i will of course remind you in future years.

would you also like me to remind you when christmas is coming up?

love x

ps if you forget her name, dont ever be afraid to ask, we'll just pretend thats my responsibility too.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Jul-13 12:33:22

i realise actually saying that will cause ww3 but you can at least amuse yourself with the fantasy...

Maryann1975 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:35:14

It is not your job to remind him at all. But I guess your dd was disappointed to not have her birthday acknowledged by her father. Do you need to remind him it's Christmas in December or is he capable of remembering that himself? Having a new baby is no reason to forget you have other children.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 18-Jul-13 12:36:52

Well it's not really anybody's job is it?

Whothefuckfarted Thu 18-Jul-13 12:37:09

Iid go with the first 4 lines from hecsy

^im afraid id be replying terribly sorry. it didnt occur to me for a second that there would be any circumstance under which you could forget the anniversary of the day your child came into the world.
i will of course remind you in future years.^

Whothefuckfarted Thu 18-Jul-13 12:37:44


DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 18-Jul-13 12:40:16

YANBU of course you shouldnt have to remind him about his own child's birthday. Cheeky shit. I wouldnt either. It just wouldnt occur to me to do so.

I like the idea of Hecsy reply to him. Except I probably would send it grin

smile he once did forget my Christmas present, its the 1st time he's forgot her birthday, he's remembered all by himself the last 8 years, although his parents never send her a card.
He still hasn't replied, I had text him 1st thing to ask what time he was coming to see her, he's probably out shopping now.

LastTangoInDevonshire Thu 18-Jul-13 12:40:36

flowery - really?

bluebell8782 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:42:26

I dunno - do you think he would have remembered if you were still together? If not, I think it would be less likely he would remember if she doesn't live with him full time.

This may be sexist but in my opinion men are sometimes a bit rubbish at this sort of thing. I would have thought his partner might have reminded him but I guess she may have forgotten as well with the baby coming.

Yes, you shouldn't have to remind him but there you go, maybe it just is best to in the future.

squeakytoy Thu 18-Jul-13 12:43:52

If he has remembered every year in the past then considering his wife has just had a baby, I would cut him a bit of slack. Does he not really have much contact with your daughter though??

BlueStones Thu 18-Jul-13 12:45:17

YANBU. I hate the "remind me" brigade - I used to work with a master of the art. Not your job to remind other people of their responsibilities. Knowing that HE will have to tell your daughter that he just forgot should be enough of a motivation for him to remember.

tobytoes Thu 18-Jul-13 12:46:54

Sorry im agreeing with flowery. Althought it is totally not your responsibility to remind you ex I would probally remind him just so my little one wasnt dissapointed. But as I say,it isnt your responsibility and yanbu.

Sorry I don't buy into the sexist crap that men don't remember birthdays etc, use a calendar, that's what I do.

She stays his every saturday night and goes for tea a couple of nights a week, she will have been talking about her birthday as that's all ive heard for the last month.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Jul-13 12:51:35

i hate that too. there is nothing about having a penis that means you are incapable of remembering things.

those who 'cant remember' dont bother remembering cos they feel like its your job. if you can remember your own stuff. appts. work stuff. social stuff. you can remember this.

the vagina is not a built in diary ffs.

and dont get me started on 'cant' look after the kids or use a washing machine and all that crap.

I've got an awful memory and forget things all ver the place.

Never forgotton one of the DCs birthday and nor would I expect him to.

YouTheCat Thu 18-Jul-13 12:53:05

Omg Is the vagina like some kind of filofax? grin

Euphemia Thu 18-Jul-13 12:56:07

the vagina is not a built in diary

A vagina with a built-in diary! Now there's a piece of equipment!



bluebell8782 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:56:21

Maybe I should have said 'some people' are a bit like that but in my opinion it is mostly men.

Anyway it seems like it was the first time he'd forgotten so I think he ought to be cut some slack.

Yup - and some sort of lost-object-finder too, YouTheCat. Apparently mine enables me to know the location of every object in the house, and makes me responsible for every single one of them even when I haven't touched them. No-one else in my family is capable of actually, oh, I don't know - actually LOOKING for something before asking me where it is. <<mutters>>

WorraLiberty Thu 18-Jul-13 12:56:41

If he has remembered every year in the past then considering his wife has just had a baby, I would cut him a bit of slack.

This ^^ really

thecat Arf at filofax vagina. How inconvenient in a meeting to have to rustle around in ones pants to check a date.

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 13:00:53

Would you forget your childrens' birthdays, if you'd just had a baby, then Worra?


Holliewantstobehot Thu 18-Jul-13 13:03:46

texted my exh the dates for the summer hols three times in last month - he then txt can u send dates for hols - I ignored it - new txt where are dates????? Told him have txt u dates three times already - he claimed no knowledge of this. Gave him dates again.
Day before yesterday phones to say can't have kids overnight as doing diy??!! Then says they are on holiday now though aren't they - NO THEY ARE NOT!!!!! ARGHHHHHH!!!!!

WorraLiberty Thu 18-Jul-13 13:09:43

Did I say I would Sanity?

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 13:15:19

Well why is it okay for the OP's Ex to do so?

WorraLiberty Thu 18-Jul-13 13:17:49

Oh dear god I didn't say that either, did I?

I just said I think considering he's remembered all the other years and his wife has just had a baby, the OP could cut him some slack.

Actually someone else said it but I agree.

YouTheCat Thu 18-Jul-13 13:20:29

That would be fair enough if he hadn't then sent a snippy text to his ex. Why should she think to remind him when he has remembered in the past and has plenty of contact with his dd?

He forgot. His fault.

dufflefluffle Thu 18-Jul-13 13:26:42

If I didn't remind my dh about dsd's birthday (or indeed our own dc's)when she was small he would never have remembered til the day or several days later (by which time it would've been too late to send a present as we lived abroad). It wasn't that he didn't love her but that which is not under his nose gets forgotten about. IMO that is just the way some people are - I would not think it is your duty to remind him any more than it is his new partners - unless you choose to do so in order to spare your dd's hurt feelings.

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 13:27:52

She could cut him some slack for forgetting his daughter's birthday?

Well, all she did was say that it's not her job to remind him of his DD's birthday.

She hasn't said what he did was unforgiveable (although it is pretty crap, frankly) just that it wasn't her job to remind him of his own responsibilities to his existing children.

And FWIW, I think he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself, and should certainly not be blaming other people for his inability to remember one child's birthday, in the excitement of another one's birth.

Numberlock Thu 18-Jul-13 13:29:07

If he has remembered every year in the past then considering his wife has just had a baby, I would cut him a bit of slack

Yeah, great conversation to have with his daughter. "I've just had another baby so you're lower down my list of priorities this year." hmm

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 13:32:34

I mean, remembering your own children's birthdays isn't really all that difficult, is it?

I can't imagine even ever forgetting (except in extreme circumstances like memory loss, or something).

flowery Thu 18-Jul-13 13:35:55

"flowery - really?"

Er, yes. Not her job, but personally I'd prefer to avoid dc disappointment altogether rather than not remind ex to make a point.

However as he usually remembers fine it's probably not necessary to do that anyway.

HaughtyCulturist Thu 18-Jul-13 13:38:10

I would have thought that if your wife had just had a baby, the proximity in the calendar to your other child's birthday would be forefront in your mind.

Swiftly followed by "I must make sure that my first born doesn't feel replaced in my affections by the arrival of the new baby".

Cut him some slack?biscuit

bluebell8782 Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:47

He was wrong to have a go at the OP - I imagine that was probably guilt and panic.

I agree with dufflefluffle my DH is the same

Dahlen Thu 18-Jul-13 13:41:50

grin at Filofanjo.

Am sitting on the fence on this one. If it were me, I probably would reply in the Hecsy manner out of sheer outrage that he'd considered it my responsibility to remind him. In fairness to him that was probably just a thoughtless remark borne of defensiveness because he knew his behaviour was crap.

Still not an excuse though. We've all been in the sleep-deprived haze that accompanies a newborn and forgotten appointments, extended family birthdays, etc. I've yet to think of a single mother who has forgotten her elder child's birthday just because she's had another baby though. Also, it's not as though it arrived out of the blue if DD had been talking about it for weeks beforehand.

OxfordBags Thu 18-Jul-13 13:42:54

The vagina is not a built-in diary has become my favourite ever phrase, and I shall be using it as much as often. I might even get it made into a mug and have it sent to my brother, who expects me to tell him when our parents birthdays are, when mothers and fathers day are, and asks what he should get them for every present-requiring event. He is 37. I haven't told him for years now, yet my parents blame me if he forgets. hmm

Op, it wasn't your job to tell him. If one parent can remember, the other can too. He's just trying to assuage his guilt. I would love you to use Hecsy's reply to him, though grin

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 13:47:23

You know, if the new baby had been really poorly, and they were at the hospital every hour god sends watching over it in the ICU, and they had somehow managed to lose track of the days, then cut him some slack, certainly.

But under those circumstances, it wouldn't really be appropriate for the OP to be "reminding", anyway, and I think a 12yo would definitely understand (mine would).

Cut him some slack? - hilarious - its him who is texting his ex-wife a complaint that she is not looking after him well enough?

josiejay Thu 18-Jul-13 13:49:09

I think his wife having just had a baby is all the more reason to be extra thoughtful about his dd's birthday! How upsetting for her when she's already dealing with her dad having a new child, if he can't even be bothered to remember her birthday. He should be ashamed.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Jul-13 14:21:53

his wife having a baby is a reason for "oh my god i am so sorry i feel awful how could i have forgotten things have been manic but its still no excuse i'll make it up to her i am so sorry..."

it is not a reason for hurumph why didnt you remind me.

Just to update, he has finally just text me back to say that as he will be seeing her at the weekend he'll get her something then. Tosser angry

My DH can't remember MY birthday, let alone the DCs! and they are RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE and how he doesn't remember I have NO idea as all they talk about is "in 25 days", "in24 days", "in 23 days" ad infinitum! (not that I've got a 13yo talking about hers being "in 19 days" right now! grin)

And "no"OP, it isn't your job to remind him, but if I had any reason to believe that he would forget and that it would upset your DD at all, then I would remind him anyway.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 18-Jul-13 19:34:08

They forget all the time because people who pander to them by reminding them of things they are grown up enough to remember themselves, give them permission to keep on abdicating responsibility for remembering.

No op its not your job but its not especially a burn at the stake offence its more a grovel and get a better gift than you intended to one.

StuntGirl Thu 18-Jul-13 19:39:07

Thing is, I wouldn't have not reminded him out of spite, it just wouldn't have crossed my mind for a second that someone could forget their childs birthday. Why would it?

Frizzbonce Thu 18-Jul-13 19:50:45

Euphamia - I think I love you! Filofanjo!! grin

Also Filotwat. And since being in possession of a vagina also guarantees being able to locate anything, we could come up with a range of GPS systems: Twat Nav. Arf.

On a serious note I loathe and despise this idea that 'we' are supposed to remind our husbands of their responsibilities. Since I split with my husband, I notice his family have finally realised that it was me who sent all the cards to them as he hasn't remembered a single birthday, or anniversary.

Inertia Thu 18-Jul-13 20:12:53

Oh please send Hecsy's response (all of it).

Crocodilehunter Thu 18-Jul-13 20:21:35

Next birthday/christmas present to ex of dd perhaps?

Crocodilehunter Thu 18-Jul-13 20:23:13
SarahAndFuck Thu 18-Jul-13 20:23:23

Is it normally his wife who remembers your DD's birthday do you think?

Or at least, is it her who shops for it and posts the present on time or reminds him to bring it over?

And he's just passively waited for her to drag herself from the delivery room to the shopping centre and had a bit of a shock when it wasn't all taken care of for him.

It wouldn't surprise me if she does do all the birthdays etc for him, he was always able to remember important sports dates so I think he is just lazy when it comes to getting cards and presents.

My dd doesn't seem bothered about the fact her dad hasn't wished her a happy birthday, it does worry me that she might feel like she's not an important part of his life so is hiding her real feelings from me.

kim147 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:28:31

How can anyone forget their DCs birthday?

DS gave me a 4 week countdown to his. Plus set the alarm on the phone just to make sure.

SaucyJack Thu 18-Jul-13 21:40:21

YANBU, especially under the circumstances.

The days of birth of his first and second children are hardly unrelated events. You woulda thought there'd be a neurological pathway linking the two in there somewhere.

Dixiefish Thu 18-Jul-13 22:34:12

My DH doesn't know when any of the DCs' birthdays are. Or our wedding anniversary. He might get the right month, if pushed. But he does know my birthday grin

I'm sure he could remember DCs' birthdays if he had to, but I guess he figures that I'll remember so why bother?

It doesn't really bother me tbh, there's advantages to being in charge. But as your Ex is split up from you and no longer has the benefit of the vagina diary, he has to make that bit more effort

OfCourseOfCourse Thu 18-Jul-13 22:45:20

How irritating that he would try to indirectly blame you for something that was plainly his fault. You're not his unpaid personal assistant!

2rebecca Thu 18-Jul-13 23:23:28

Agree it's not your job although like others i'm surprised your daughter hasn't been reminding him when she sees him. If I thought my ex would forget I'd remind him, but for the child's benefit not his. I don't see this as my job though and suspect I'd get a sarky response if I implied he might have forgotten his kid's birthday. We usually discuss what we are getting them though so they don't get 2 of something/ in case they've told one parent they really want several things and not the other/ in case they told one parent they now hate the thing they loved last month/ to discuss what extended grandparents are getting.
It seems odd to me not to be discussing this sort of stuff at all, he sounds very hands off which is sad.

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