I'm not "allowed" to go to bed early - but he can >:-(

(57 Posts)
ChoccySocks Wed 17-Jul-13 23:57:07

I have to get up for work at 5.30am and then work a 13 hour shift. DP hates the suggestion of me going to bed early in order to cope with this and by "early" I mean anything before 11.30pm.

So I was due to work Tuesday - Monday night it gets to 11pm and I say "I'm off to bed as I'm up early for work" - he whinges and says "oh don't go yet! it's so early! at least let's watch the end of this with me " so we end up going to bed at midnight. Knackered in the morning. Same thing Tuesday night - whinged about me going to bed and I ended up staying up until gone midnight.

Tonight was the first night this week that I can stay up late and not have to get up so early in morning. So I'm all set for a late night - but HE suddenly decides he's going to bed at 11.15pm.

I feel like he's doing it on purpose/out of spite like some fucked up control game!!!

KobayashiMaru Wed 17-Jul-13 23:58:26

He is controlling you. Stop letting him. You are an adult, you can go to bed whenever you choose.

What would happen if you took back control and just went to bed?

brilliantwhite Wed 17-Jul-13 23:59:05

play the game,whinge and ask him to watch something.

gamerchick Thu 18-Jul-13 00:01:19

Lords sake just go to bed when you want. Ignore the whinge and just do it.

McNewPants2013 Thu 18-Jul-13 00:01:50

just go to bed when you are tired.

diddl Thu 18-Jul-13 00:03:32

Go to bed-what wil he do?

Follow you up to whinge?

Erato Thu 18-Jul-13 00:03:48

Don't ask him about when you're going to bed, tell him and then just go. He doesn't suffer from this arrangement but you do - stand up for yourself!

YouTheCat Thu 18-Jul-13 00:04:17

Yep. What everyone else said. Go to bed when you want to.

Start saying no and going to bed. He'll get used to it.

And I don't think going to bed at 11 is early. I regularly head up at 10 or earlier.

carolthesecretary Thu 18-Jul-13 00:05:54

How old is he, 5?

Are you really putting up with this. I would have kicked him in the knackers if he was doing this to me...

Fraxinus Thu 18-Jul-13 00:06:26

Sleep deprivation is torture. Do you actually get to sleep soonish when you do go to bed?

How are you going to make him see how unfair it is?

TalkativeJim Thu 18-Jul-13 00:08:53

Next early shift wake him at 5.30 am too. He wants to spend extra time with you so much, I'm sure he'll jump at the chance to make you breakfast and chat lovingly over a cuppa before your shift...

WafflyVersatile Thu 18-Jul-13 00:09:19

Did you say anything when he said he was going to bed?

It's up to you when you go to bed. He's being a twat.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 00:12:24

You feel like he's doing it on purpose. Has he form for controlling behaviour or mind games?

Yanbu btw. He is an asshole to do this. And it's very sly, because he will make out it's all in your head, and that you're starting an argument over nothing. Bet you.

ElizabethHornswoggle Thu 18-Jul-13 00:14:23

Just go to bed when you're tired. What's he going to do? You don't HAVE to go to bed when he so calls 'tells' you to.
I'm assuming you're a grown adult?!
My DH is also up every morning at 5.30am. He usually goes to bed around 10.30pm.
That's what you need to do when you're on shifts. I wouldn't dream of whining at him to stay up. He needs his sleep.
The weekends he can stay up until he wants to!
Just like it should be with you and your DH.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 00:16:12

Also yes - if you are tired just go to bed. What's he going to do?

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 18-Jul-13 00:16:13

I get moaned at for going to bed "early" only early for DH is anytime before 1am, I work until midnight most nights and still have to get up for the children. I often go straight to bed amid cries of "But I never see you, why don't we spend time together anymore? Can't we at least make love first? hmm etc etc". The standard reply is "Fuck off" and then I take myself to bed.

WafflyVersatile Thu 18-Jul-13 00:21:51

Perhaps he could get up for the children D0on to increase his chances.

LazyMonkeyButler Thu 18-Jul-13 00:26:43

Oh dear! I work in care and on my days on have to get up at 5.30am & don't finish until about 10.00pm. The night before I go to bed when I want to! DH works 9-5.30pm Monday to Friday (office hours) and also goes to bed when he wants to. Anything else is quite controlling IMHO.

aldiwhore Thu 18-Jul-13 00:32:12

Stay up late tonight.

Go to bed early when you have to.

Don't entertain his game.

At my kindest, I'll say he sounds like a right contrary bugger! At my least kindest, I'll say WARNING WARNING! LTB!

Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Do not play his games.

I'm up early, as is DH, he went to bed (sensibly) hours ago, I've had a shit day, very emotionally trying so I'm too wired to sleep, there's no issue at all. I often leave him on the sofa when I'm ready for bed, I'm ready...

Stop playing this game (even if he doesn't realise he's playing it) and see what happens. A grumble might be normal, a row from him is not.

I can see what pictish is saying (been there got the t-shirt) and hope for your sake that he falls into the category of simply no realising he's being a knobber. Keep your guard up and do what you want to do for a while and see what happens. I sincerely hope pictish is wrong...

OhDearNigel Thu 18-Jul-13 00:45:12

Start waking him up at 5.30am. He'll get the message

So he has demonstrated to you very clearly that he gets to go to bed when he wants to, but you need his permission to do so? That is could be an indication that he considers himself the Head of the Household and expects obedience and compliance from you.
Try going to bed when you want to and see what he does. If he proceeds to make a lot of noise eg turn up the TV, bang about or put some music on/follow you up to bed and ask for sex/keep coming into the bedroom to wake you up with trivial demands, then he is definitely abusive.

When you want to go to bed, get up and go to bed. He can whine all he likes. If he actually tried to physically stop you or deliberately keeps you awake once you've gone to bed, then the two of you need to have a very serious conversation.

Is he used to getting his own way? Perhaps it's time he got a little less used to it.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 00:57:49

Or if he holds onto resentment for the next day. That's not a good sign either.

Morloth Thu 18-Jul-13 01:22:48

What? Why are you doing what he says?

Go to bed when you need to go to bed.

He isn't actually your owner you know.

Bloody hell.

I think I need a break from MN this stuff is starting to make me batty.

trinity0097 Thu 18-Jul-13 01:26:10

Go to bed when you want! I am in bed between 9 and 9.30pm everyday as I get up at about 5.20am to swim before work. Means I get my 8 hours.

StuntGirl Thu 18-Jul-13 02:25:23

Same Morloth. MN is like a parallel universe sometimes.

Go to bed whenever the devil you like OP. What's he going to do?

Strokethefurrywall Thu 18-Jul-13 02:34:21

For the love of Christ, grow some balls and go to bed when you damn well feel like!

Morloth Thu 18-Jul-13 05:36:48

I think it is the acceptance of male 'authority' that is doing my head in.

What right does someone have to dictate to another adult when they go to bed?

How can this be thought of as anything other than a power play/abuse?

icklemssunshine1 Thu 18-Jul-13 05:50:44

I'm a lark, DH is an owl. I'm regularly asleep by 10 - this week 9.30 (end of term tiredness!), he's still awake at 12. Needless to say that's why I'm awake now & he's snoring. We'd never tell the other what to do & when to sleep. Your DP says its too spend time together but what quality time do you have with a knackered partner?

Go to bed in future!

Longdistance Thu 18-Jul-13 06:00:39


Christ on a bike, why are you listening to the whiny child your dp?

I'd be bed at 9 if I was doing those sort of shifts. I used to do odd hours in my last job, and sometimes would have to wake at 3.30am, to start at 5am, as had a commute on the Mway. No way would I still be awake sitting watching shit tv just to keep my dh happy. I was in bed by 9 the latest.

exoticfruits Thu 18-Jul-13 06:25:27

Don't even say 'I'm off to bed'- just say 'goodnight' and go. If he makes a fuss don't stay around to argue, justify, explain- just say 'sorry, can't do, I need the sleep' and go. There is no need to feel guilty.

mikkii Thu 18-Jul-13 06:34:34

DH owns a bar, I work office hours and do he school run. I'm often in bed before DH gets home.

The only times we ever go to bed at the same time are: Thursdays when he gets up at 8 to have DD2 for the day (and then only if he hasn't had a siesta in the daytime) or if he wants to get lucky grin

If I want to stay up later to spend time with him, I do, if not, I just say I'm going up.

Last night he got home at about 11.45 as I was putting out the rubbish, I said hello, then goodnight.

mikkii Thu 18-Jul-13 06:35:36

Oh, I forgot to say, my normal bedtime is 12-1, I'm not an 8 hours a night girl.

bettycocker Thu 18-Jul-13 06:55:40

He's being a knob. 5:30 is early, I would be FUBARd if I was up till 11:30.

I start work at about 4:30, but that's out of choice as I'm self employed. If DP tried to dictate when I went to bed he wouldn't try that shit again!

I like my sleep, ideally 8 hours+ per night and god help anyone who gets in the way of that.

OP, you need to be firm and tell him to stop being so controlling.

teacher123 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:44:21

He's being a controlling arse. That's a form of abuse. Go to bed when you're tired.

sleeplessbunny Thu 18-Jul-13 08:33:37

just go to bed when you want. WHy do you need his approval before you can go to bed? DH sometimes wants me to stay up later watching something crap on TV. If I want to stay up, I do, and if i want to go to bed I say "no, I'm going to bed". And I go to bed.

Your DH's expectations seem rather unreasonable, but it is up to you to tell him no and look after yourself.

You are an adult you do not need permission to go to bed. Just go. Do not allow this man to control you

TheRealFellatio Thu 18-Jul-13 08:42:49

Blimey - he sounds like a demanding child! You are not there for constant entertainment for him. Tell him to grow up, or if he wants to be with you that much then to come to bed himself.

worldgonecrazy Thu 18-Jul-13 08:52:05

Why do you feel the need to have his permission to go to bed? I get up just after 5 and I need to go to bed at 9 so I get my 8 hours sleep in. I couldn't survive very long on 6 hours sleep and there is plenty of research to show that constantly missing sleep can lead to health problems in later life, such as increased risk of heart disease.

Is this problem really about sleep/spending time together, or is it a symptom of other problems in the relationship? I think solidgoldbrass has made excellent suggestions and comments in her post.

froggies Thu 18-Jul-13 09:17:56

My ex used to do this. Among other sly controlling and confidence undermining behaviours.

He cannot tell you what to do, and guilt tripping you into doing things you don't want to, or not doing thngs you do want to is still controlling.

Go to bed at a time that you like, and just be aware of how he behaves when you do.

Since my ex left he has shown his true colours and it's scary. Just be aware (and I hope I am being a drama queen).

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 18-Jul-13 09:22:53

Oh my goodness, there's got to be more to this than meets the eye. Or some sort of back story....?

Just go to bed when you want.

You're the boss of you. Not him.

shewhowines Thu 18-Jul-13 09:28:51

Sleep is not an optional extra. It is a need. Just go to bed when you need to.

If he wont come to bed later quietly and without disturbing you, then you have problems. If a serious conversation doesn't do the trick you could resort to waking him up at 5 every morning but that is just playing games. Communicate, but just from what you've written, there does seem a lack of respect for you. Is this evident elsewhere in your relationship? Big red flags if there is a respect issue.

I would never tell dh when to go to bed and whatnot but sometimes he comes home from the office, spends more time working, then goes to bed quite early. It can be lonely in the evenings. I have asked him to spend just a little bit of time with me in the evenings but he rarely does. When he does I can see him twitching and I'll tell him to go back to his laptop as it does my head in. I'm not controlling but if I wasn't insistent occasionally we'd never see each other in the evenings except in passing.

KellyElly Thu 18-Jul-13 09:54:08

You are allowing this. You are an adult so just go to bed when you want to. When he says 'oh just watch the end of this' simply say 'no, I'm tired, I'm off to bed'. Simple.

Bowlersarm Thu 18-Jul-13 09:59:41

This is the one thing I couldn't tolerate.

I need my sleep. DH is an 'owl' and was a bit moany about me going to bed so early (10.30, unless we are out and then I'm fine, is my personal cut off point-I start feeling physically ill after about this time). I tried to stay up later for a few weeks but just can't manage it. He conceded that i just can't do it, although he doesn't really understand why I can't!

It's a shame we generally have different bedtimes, but that's the way it has to be, mostly.

Squitten Thu 18-Jul-13 10:00:41

Eh? Why on earth are you doing what he says? If you're tired, go to bed! You're an adult FFS.

What do you think will happen if you don't do as you're told?

NicknameTaken Thu 18-Jul-13 10:08:10

Red flag, red flag.

He's putting his wants over your needs.

DON'T go along with it. If he makes life unbearable as a result, then get the hell out of there.

minouminou Thu 18-Jul-13 10:09:50

My guess is that he'll start banging about and finding rubbish excuses to barge into the bedroom if OP goes to bed early.

Whothefuckfarted Thu 18-Jul-13 10:12:36

Going with the RED FLAG here.

Control freak.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 10:13:20

Can't think of anything original to say after everyone else's comments, do men like this really exist? There must be some back history to this, what else does he try and control in your life?

CalamityJones Thu 18-Jul-13 10:14:10

Why on earth are you letting someone tell you what time to go to bed? Just go to fucking bed whenever you want. It's that simple. He's being controlling but you're being a complete pushover.

This does sound like a red flag to me.

What would happen if you just went to bed?

(I went to bed before my 9 YO DS the other night and nobody complained)

Don't let him tell you when you are ready for bed! You are an adult, he sounds very controlling. Does he do this in other areas of your life?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 18-Jul-13 10:18:27

Go to bed! I get up at 5.30 for work as well, as I have a ridiculously long commute, and I would be on my knees if I was kept awake until 11.30 every night. You must be exhausted sad

flippinada Thu 18-Jul-13 10:18:34

When you say he won't let you go to bed early, what do you mean? Is it that he physically stops you going, or is it more subtle, like sulking, creating a scene, being foul the day after?

Like others, I've been in a relationship where this signifies a control issue. It may not be, of course but it does ring alarm bells.

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