Do I say I mind DH Going and look/feel like a cunt!?

(112 Posts)
dontgowadingin Wed 17-Jul-13 23:01:52

Open to views, don't know if I'm bring selfish or he is...

We have a 9 week old baby and when I had her things went a bit tits up and ended up having emergency section and losing a lot of blood and had blood transfusion.

DH was promised two weeks of work so when I came home tried to rest. Was very tearful as there might have been issues with dc health (thankfully all is well ) and was really struggling breast feeding .

2 days in DH boss was on phone 'asking' him to come back, really important time ect... DH went back and I really struggled.

DH puts in long hours at work and his boss promises the earth but never really comes through with anything.

Now his boss wants to take him and two colleagues to Dubai as a thank u for his hard work.

I've seen my arse, but feel a bit cunty over it.

No trust issues what so ever, he is going away with friends and so am I next year.

I'm I just jelous or does he need to remember he has small angel here that needs him at the moment and me too!

If I'm not happy about it , he won't go.

mittensthekitten Wed 17-Jul-13 23:03:27

Well, how long would they be gone for?

Ask him to stay!

Neither of you will get this time back and I think he may regret it and you may hold it against him.

You and your baby are the most important things at the moment. Dubai will be there in a few months.

aldiwhore Wed 17-Jul-13 23:05:40

It's not the right time for him to go, it's the time where he's needed at home, the only thing that he could do other than that is work. It's just the wrong time.

TylerHopkins Wed 17-Jul-13 23:06:19

I don't like the fact he wants to go to be honest. I don't think I would want to be away from my baby at that age.

cheerfulweather Wed 17-Jul-13 23:08:37

It's not the best timing, or the most considerate reward, for somebody with a nine week old baby. If it was essential, important business travel then maybe...but this is not.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 17-Jul-13 23:09:11

He shouldn't want to go, IMO.

Cityofgold Wed 17-Jul-13 23:09:35

I totally understand why you feel the way you do but if he wants to go and provided it is a short break ie 5 days or less then I would try to be the 'bigger person' and let him go. And then use it for Brownie points in the future!

His boss could thank him for his hard work by actually letting him the paternity leave he had booked off!

sanityawol Wed 17-Jul-13 23:10:41

Does your DH actually want to go? Your OP says that the boss wants to take him, but you don't say how your DH feels about this.

Is it possible that your DH wants you to say no so that he has an 'out'?

Finney2 Wed 17-Jul-13 23:11:50

I'd have absolutely no problem asking my H not to go.

He's got the rest of his life to swan off half way around the world. Right now, his wife and child need him. That's wha marriage, and parenting, is all about.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 17-Jul-13 23:11:57

His boss sounds like an arse, to, TBH. To offer as a thankyou for something that took your DH away from his child, something else that takes him away from his child. I know bosses aren't philanthropists but ...... Arse.

Flojobunny Wed 17-Jul-13 23:12:12

It has to be his decision not yours. He's a grown man.

dontgowadingin Wed 17-Jul-13 23:12:27

I have said all of the above and when I pointed out about leaving baby he agreed, I just feel really twatty.

Tbf I think I might of gone down the 'oh go if it that important then thrown it on his face when I needed a back up argument

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 17-Jul-13 23:15:09

gosh lucky him and unlucky you. i would feel resentful if he went. BUT do you know, life can be quite easy when you only have yourself and baby to deal with for a couple of days - do as you please. If its 3 or 4 days yes. More than that I would struggle to not feel resentful. However, that said, I would be a lot happier if dh said he'd turned down the trip and asked for the paternity leave he lost out on instead. Clearly they aren't indespensible right now if a trip to Dubai is on the cards.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 17-Jul-13 23:15:10

Stop using female organs to put yourself down. It seems bizarre you'd rather store up resentment to use later than assert what you want. I say that in a kind way....

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 17-Jul-13 23:15:56

and I agree his boss is a thoughtless arse (but generous too) hmm

dontgowadingin Wed 17-Jul-13 23:16:04

sanity yep he wanted to go I could tell

jamie didn't see it like that but will use it for ammunition grin

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 23:17:55

How long for?

diddl Wed 17-Jul-13 23:22:06

Wants to take him for a holiday?

Couldn't your husband just ask for the days at home instead?

I suppose it is generous.

Although that said, Dubai doesn't appeal to me at all-I#d rather just mooch about at home.

No brainer if it would mean time with a new baby.

HooverFairy Wed 17-Jul-13 23:23:15

I'm in agreement with the others, boss is an arse. He'd be better giving him 2 weeks off with full pay, to spend with his wife and child as an apology for interrupting paternity leave, rather than a fancy trip.

YANBU, but I'd talk to your husband - will it damage his work reputation if he turns it down?

MorrisZapp Wed 17-Jul-13 23:27:19

No effing way. My DP didn't even get to play a round of golf for the first six months or so. A trip to Dubai? Is he serious? No, no, no.

fabergeegg Wed 17-Jul-13 23:29:38

It depends on the dynamics of your set-up. But if you're not sure about it he should do the decent thing and not consider it. But to avoid resentment on his part, that will only work if he comes to that conclusion by himself...oh dear. What an idiotic boss.

TheCrackFox Wed 17-Jul-13 23:30:41

Could your DP ask his boss to postpone the trip for 6 months?

mirai Wed 17-Jul-13 23:33:52

*His boss could thank him for his hard work by actually letting him the paternity leave he had booked off!*

This.

MortifiedAdams Wed 17-Jul-13 23:36:32

Im.curious as to whether it was his boss asking him to go back early or he asking to go back early....and now he could go away on a jolly too....

How hands on is he day to day?

thenightsky Wed 17-Jul-13 23:39:36

I'm normally of the chilled 'yeah go' school.

However, in this case, I say take the leave off work, but be here, at home, doing the father thing. Dubai can fuck off.

I had a similar thing when DD was born and I've never forgiven the arse of a boss who wanted me DH at a business meeting four hours drive away after he'd been sitting in the Mat Wing with me through 22 hours of labour!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 23:46:34

How long is the trip for?
It's quite important. If it's for two nights, then it's not ideal but you can live with it. Make sure he makes it up to you real nice.

If it's a week, then I can understand you not being happy. Personally, I would've said yes with the promise of later payback - I'm a tough old boot. I could cope.

You certainly don't have to feel as I do though. If it feels wrong and you need him on board, then a week is too long.

mittensthekitten Wed 17-Jul-13 23:48:01

I agree that how long it is for is really important. A long weekend is ok. It is inconsiderate of the boss but I would say yes to that and expect a lot of payback. If it's for a week then I would ask him to please consider the implications of this (ie say no subtly!)

Lj8893 Wed 17-Jul-13 23:54:09

I've just read your post to my dp to gage his reaction.

Before I even got to the Dubai trip, he had already said he would have told his boss where to go when asked to come back to work during paternity leave.

I agree with him. Sorry OP.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 17-Jul-13 23:58:06

His boss is stupid. He should offer a financial reward not a holiday to a man with a new baby!

Nanny0gg Thu 18-Jul-13 00:01:36

It all sounds very bizarre to me.
I am agog that his boss asked him to cut his (statutory) paternity leave short.
I am staggered that he agreed.
I find it incredible that his boss wants to reward him with a boys' jolly
I am horrified that he wants to go.

And there's no way that I would agree.

Beyond selfish.

TalkativeJim Thu 18-Jul-13 00:04:57

Fucking awful.

I'd have NO problem in saying that I would be unimpressed with him wanting to go.

If his boss wants to reward him, why doesn't your DH ask for the time off with his baby that he was denied? That's something irreplaceable IMO.

And, seeing as you were the one to suffer for his boss going back on his word, why don't you point out to your DH that having that time would also 'reward' you for what you had to put up with, by giving you a bit of a break.

If your DH looks anything other than really pleased with that suggestion, I'd seriously lose my rag.

ExcuseTypos Thu 18-Jul-13 00:05:56

He shouldn't go. He should spend the time he would have been in Dubai with you and your baby.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 00:25:00

My dh (just asked him what he thought, as he asked what I was reading) thinks a holiday to "fucking Dubai" is a "shit reward for giving up paternity leave" and his boss is a "fucking cheapskate".

So um...there's another pov for you. I guess.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 00:41:43

He should say he'll take the time off and have the money that would have been spent.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 18-Jul-13 00:49:00

Hi OP. DH's boss isn't an arse. No.

He is in fact a fucking facegrinding cunt. He's making sure that DH doesn't put you and DC first. I worked very briefly for an absolute bastard who when he found out we were expecting at peak business, actually suggested DW terminate. While I was making plans to kill his entire family digesting this, some people he owed money to came to the office and asked him to choose the hand he liked least.

I'll tell you something else: if he goes, his boss will probably get him steaming drunk and send him a hooker. It's about loyalty. While DH is in your trust, boss is threatened.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 18-Jul-13 00:50:39

Sorry: last line should read "while DH is in your trust and knows he is worthy of it".

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 18-Jul-13 03:50:39

I would tend to agree with pictish.

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 18-Jul-13 03:51:05

Or, rather, her husband.

birdmomma Thu 18-Jul-13 04:08:43

I think your DH should explain to his boss that he has a young baby and would prefer his reward to be time off to be with you and the baby. The boss clearly needs educating. Bastard.

MammaTJ Thu 18-Jul-13 04:38:39

I think your DH should explain to his boss that he has a young baby and would prefer his reward to be time off to be with you and the baby. The boss clearly needs educating. Bastard.

^ This!

TobyLerone Thu 18-Jul-13 05:26:36

I'll tell you something else: if he goes, his boss will probably get him steaming drunk and send him a hooker.

hmm

primallass Thu 18-Jul-13 06:12:29

It sounds odd tbh. Like his boss is jealous and is trying to wriggle in between you.

Jaynebxl Thu 18-Jul-13 06:23:04

Whatever he does about Dubai, he is still owed the rest of his statutory paternity leave so as a separate issue I would be insisting he gets the rest of that now.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 18-Jul-13 06:59:35

dontgowadingin
"yep he wanted to go I could tell"

Have you actually asked him?

ZenGardener Thu 18-Jul-13 07:01:18

I was thinking what primallass said. It sounds like the boss is trying to make your husband choose work over his baby. It's a really strange reward for a man with a new baby, I think the boss is being a manipulative prick.

Lweji Thu 18-Jul-13 07:10:50

Im.curious as to whether it was his boss asking him to go back early or he asking to go back early....and now he could go away on a jolly too....

I was thinking this too.
Are you sure it's the boss?

froubylou Thu 18-Jul-13 07:12:53

Hmmmmmm, its a tough one.

On the one hand I can understand exactly how you feel. On the other I also understand how your DH will feel if he doesn't go on the trip.

IMO as much 'work' goes on, on these 'free/reward' holidays as what happens at home. Bonding with the gaffer/showing he's 'one of the boys'/adventures they talk about (constantly) when they come home. I've done them in the past and never really looked forwards to them, but knew they were an essential part of my career.

I agree the boss is being an arse with regards to timing. BUT 9 weeks to a mum and dad is no time, to his boss the 'new' baby has arrived, all is well and its time now to crack on with work. The fact he asked your DH to sacrifice his paternity leave shows how little regard he has to you and the baby. He's a thoughtless prick.

I had similar when DD was about a month old. Was expected to go on a jaunt for a weekend with work as a sort of 'welcome back' thing. The Alton Towers. 29 days after a C section. I told them to feck off, I was b/fing and although I was unofficially back in the office every day for a few hours it was with baby in tow.

But I do remember the pressure I felt to go on the trip and I imagine your DP feels the same. We all know how the economy is right now and how good jobs are in demand. I'm not saying he will loose his job if he doesn't go, or that it will be a black mark against him BUT it won't help keep his profile up if he doesn't go.

How long is the trip for? A long weekend, even 5 days is manageable. Ask for his owed paternity leave in the weeks leading up to the trip if possible, maybe a row of long weekends would be nice.

It's difficult for women to strike that life/work balance and the first time (in some industries) children are the reason for saying 'no' it can be held against a woman, let alone a dad. Its not right and its not fair but unfortunatly its how it is in some companies. It all does need to change, and is doing slowly BUT I wouldn't want to risk my DP's prospects over it. Selfish I know but I have to put my family first. And sometimes that means food on the table and money in the bank before we can spend time together.

I'm currently almost 18 weeks PG. EDD 20/12. I'm hoping and praying baby comes on time or slightly early as DP will be off over christmas for 2 weeks anyway. If the LO is late it will eat into the time we can spend together as DP will have to go back to work early january. He's a S/E builder and work is tight over jan/feb/mar anyways and taking time off will reduce his chances of being mid way through a contract when it does get really tight as jan progress's.

I don't like it. I'd love to be able to know that DP will be at home for at least 2 weeks with me and the baby whilst I recover and B/F. But I will have bills to pay and another mouth to feed. So that has to take priority and family and friends will help out if necessary.

TimeofChange Thu 18-Jul-13 07:18:07

Boss is a knob.

Would the time in Dubai be over a weekend?

A pay bonus would be the normal reward.

YANBU

Lazyjaney Thu 18-Jul-13 07:28:25

Sounds like the sort of company with a very "present" culture, and from their pov the baby is your problem, not theirs - check that it wouldn't be career limiting for him not to go.

Lazyjaney Thu 18-Jul-13 07:35:23

Is his job a high pressure one, or with a small team or company where they don't have any replacements for him?

I know that to you the baby trumps everything, but dont lose sight of the importance of keeping family income secure.

Also, from a company p.o.v. the baby is not their problem, they want to see their employee being a productive part of the team etc etc - check with DP that it wouldn't be career limiting not to go.

IceAddict Thu 18-Jul-13 07:38:10

No way, the boss should be thanking you for being so understanding when he took away your support the first time, not pinching him again.

IceAddict Thu 18-Jul-13 07:39:45

Boss makes me think of one of dps male friends who 'needs' dp to be with him on the lash every time

spacegoat Thu 18-Jul-13 07:46:34

Look, I recently told my dh he couldn't go on a works treat thing. It was one night but we'd had 6 weeks of working late, meals out with the team, working away.

He was just busy with work, but actually I did have remind him that he has a family at home who he needs to spend some time with. Work can take over a bit occasionally. And yes, I do get annoyed when he needs reminding but it isn't often.

My kids are teens. So no, yanbu.

His boss is either inconsiderate or an arse.

So to apologize for taking dh away from the baby for work he now wants to take him away to Dubai?

That is weird. My dh would be furious. The boundaries are all off here.

Emilythornesbff Thu 18-Jul-13 07:57:11

I have the rage on your behalf.
His boss is being an arse IMO (although somebody else put it better).
In your position I think I would say how you feel. Explain to dh that you would have hoped he'd want to Have the time at home with his new baby and his wife.
If he goes I would burn his clothes enjoy the time with your baby without having to look after your DH. They can get a bit needy and distract you from your true love.
Good luck.
Massive hugs.

Emilythornesbff Thu 18-Jul-13 08:01:55

Or get a locksmith (DH's suggestion).

whois Thu 18-Jul-13 08:06:58

I wouldn't be happy.

He should get his paternity leave and if his boss really wants to say 'thanks' he could let him have the Dubai days at home as well!

Emilythornesbff Thu 18-Jul-13 08:08:40

Do you know what? He might just be thinking that this would be great if the timing were different. Maybe he just needs to think about what's best for him and his family. So he might not actually want to go now, but he might be feeling disappointed that he's missing out on an offer that he would otherwise jump at under different circumstances.
Is that possible?
Try to stay calm. It's ok to not want him to go.
His boss is clearly sending out the message that his employees are on his leash, and not their wives'

Jaynebxl Thu 18-Jul-13 08:08:42

Hmm not sure the company can just conclude that the baby is not their problem when they got the dad to cut short his statutory paternity leave. I would definitely be insisting he takes the rest of it ASAP.

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 18-Jul-13 08:14:43

I think your DH should start looking for another job. And yes I know its not easy but his boss has been very unreasonable.

My DH didn't ever take any paternity leave but its his business so slightly different. However I know he would never stop any of his employees from taking their paternity leave.

How long is the trip to Dubai for? Is your DH worried it will do his career harm if he doesn't go?

Personally, if looking for another job isn't viable and your DH feels its important to his career then I'd tell him to go. Do you have family who could come and stay or could you go and stay with them?

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 08:34:32

The firm is very small and DH is in charge of payroll and other key aspects of the job.

The trip is for 3 days but with travel that spans out across 5.

My DH has been there just a year now and between him and two others that DH took on they has grew the clients base to over a thousand and that's why this trip has been offered.

I spoke to him this morning and he seems fine about it but I don't want him to miss out on team bonding and talks of taking the company further with the other two and the boss and when they get back. They are being made directors soon so don't want it to interfere with that.

There was a post can't scroll back for some reason and it sort of mirrors how I feel.

He is a very hands on dad when he is not chained to his desk

Lazyjaney Thu 18-Jul-13 08:43:41

^^
IMO it would be career limiting to not go.

Reading this thread, i think a lot of women here dont seem to grasp that the employee that is 9-5 only, never around other times, not a team player and always rushing home etc, is not Going to be on an upward track and will be the first in line for any redundancies.

A new baby at home is not seen as an acceptable reason for not pulling as much weight as their colleagues. That is the reality in most company cultures.

defineme Thu 18-Jul-13 08:56:23

Why would anyone want to go to Dubai in July???

That aside, you're well now and so is your baby. You have a long life ahead of you together as a family. In the great scheme of things this amount of time isn't much.

Your dh's boss is an arse re paternity leave, but I think this is a different issue.

I'd say go because it's a work thing that could further his career and you'll be fine.

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 08:58:02

got to agree with Lazyjaney.

my dh is self employed and obviously loves us to bits but unfortunately work really is important or we would loose our house and living.

my job is and has always been secondary so I can take in the role of main cater to kids.

op you have had a tough time chik but now have a gorgeous baby and think you will both be fine. just meet both of your basic needs and don't do anything else if he does go away.

maybe his boss doesn't have children and until you do no one really understands.

if it were my dh I would say go as he could loose out on career moves/ bonding and to be frank your baby and you need a good wage earner more than anything.if you had 2 other children and a baby that would be different.

just because paternity leave is statutory doesn't mean it's sensible to take it, not in this economic climate.

op when my dd was badly injured last year dh took a few days off as we needed him. his partner covered him but he was back at work in 3 days as a big deal was just going through and as much as much as dd needed daddy for those first few days she needed a house and financial stability more in the long term.

SequinsOfEvents Thu 18-Jul-13 09:01:50

I agree with above - Dubai in July / Aug = not good! I've just left it for our summer break and it's well into the 40s now plus it's Ramadan don't forget for another almost 3 weeks. So eating out etc is not allowed in many places (although hotels pretty ok behind curtains) which certainly takes the edge off the "what a treat" element to this trip.

Best thing (only good thing?) about Dubai now? The AIR CON!!!

Not a treat and certainly not when he should (could?) be allowed that time off at home with a new baby instead.

YANBU

SequinsOfEvents Thu 18-Jul-13 09:09:39

I don't agree with LJ or thebody

I think most people are aware that never pulling your weight (underperformance) can be career limiting.

However, being "first out the door" ie on time to leave shouldn't be career limiting although i appreciate that in some companies it can be. We do that to ourselves though....we create, or perpetuate, the culture of the companies we are all a part of.

Anyway - the point here seems to be that the OP's DH does "pull his weight" and, as such, has been offered a treat. The Q is if he might be allowed to transfer this goodwill to a few days at home instead (unless work in Dubai is on the cards as well) without any issues - for his career long or short term.

In this case, the boss does seem a little "old school" so perhaps this will frowned upon. You won't know unless your DH asks I guess...

NUFC69 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:10:08

I had my children many moons ago, but I do remember that my DH went away on a similar trip (to Teneriffe) when my DS was a few months old. Did I miss him - I suppose so, but I can't remember, to be honest. We've even had to come back from holidays early at times. No, it's not ideal, but we coped and it certainly didn't do his career any harm. (And there were lovely perks for me, too, through the years - including a wonderful trip to Los Angeles which we would never have been able to do at that time on our own!).

Cravingdairy Thu 18-Jul-13 09:16:48

If everyone puts up with this crap it will never change. If your DH's boss respects him he will understand. If not - he needs to consider whether this is the future he wants. Does he want to be put on the spot like this regularly throughout your baby's childhood? My mum travelled a lot for discretionary reasons when I was small. I understand why now but I didn't enjoy it much at the time.

If your DH does a good job, and it sounds like he does, his boss will want to keep him, and turning down a jolly won't change that.

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 09:33:39

sequins, as you say it 'shouldn't be career limiting but in some companies it might be'

exactly that. as for looking for a new job? er recession anyone?

not sure if there's a difference here between private and public sector. my dh is self employed and I ran a business until last year, am a TA now and although the teachers work hard some of the sick time/ days off for appointments are laughable. if they weren't paid for their sick time they wouldn't be off half as much.

the op doesn't have a brood of children just one baby and she will obviously cope.

keeping your job is more important and the trip is only for a few days not weeks.

MrsMelons Thu 18-Jul-13 09:43:45

I would not be that happy about DH going but I think I would have to bite my tongue and let him go. I have my mum around so I would have help which makes life easier.

Have you got any other DCs?

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 09:44:12

I'm going to go with froubylou Lazyjaney andthebody even though the majority is saying no.

I'm gonna look at the bigger picture. Dh earns 3 times as much as me and I might not go back to work after my maternity so his wage will be the sole income, no credits ect, so for now its best he stays 'in the gang' as its in sales and very much ' you snooze you lose' culture.

cant even treat myself to a cake for consolation as im on SW to shift some of this blubber!!!

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 09:46:49

and mrs melons!
I have got another dd but she is 18. I'll be fine grin

sleeplessbunny Thu 18-Jul-13 09:52:50

your DH's boss sounds very controlling. He knows you have a newborn and still
a) expects your DH to give up pat leave
b) expects him to jet off to Dubai
Personally I wouldn't be that fussed about just the DUbai trip, assuming it's only a couple of days, but I would be concerned about the wider implications of this working relationship. It sounds your DH's boss feels he owns your DH's time. I would not be happy about that at all.
But ultimately it is up to your DH. How does he feel about the relationship? Is he able to stand up for himself when he really needs something?

sleeplessbunny Thu 18-Jul-13 09:55:41

also, as mentioned upthread, BAD idea to go to dubai right now. Unless you actually want to melt. my dad lives there, best to visit around feb imo.

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 09:59:56

sleep DH is excited about work as its going in leaps and bounds and growing in this climate. DH team is fast paced and dynamic and he loves it.

DH is the only one in higher management with a child so I think it gets over looked now the fan fare has died down .

Lazyjaney Thu 18-Jul-13 10:01:12

"I'm going to go with froubylou Lazyjaney andthebody even though the majority is saying no"

Good call - this "jolly" is not a jolly IMO, it's a test of commitment for potential directorship. Location is irrelevant, participation essential.

I think the majority here don't understand the requirements of high potential, high responsible roles. In theory companies shouldn't be like this, in reality they are and this is not the time ( young family, recession) to be finding a new job especially as this one is going well.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 10:07:03

Fwiw OP I think it's probably the right thing to do.

But - be certain that you will be clawing that time back for yourself on another occasion. That way both of you get something out of it.

Good call.

WilsonFrickett Thu 18-Jul-13 10:14:06

lazeylane that is absolute horseshit. Plenty of people understand the requirements of high potential, high responsible roles.

That doesn't mean the the requirements of said roles are in fact appropriate or necessary.

The guiding principle behind reward is that it should motivate the employee - it has to be the right reward for them, not the boss. In this case - well, we don't know, do we? Maybe op's husband has been bleating about lack of sleep and wishing aloud he could have a few nights off. In which case, the boss is offering the right reward.

On the other hand, the boss could be desperate for a trip away, want to put it through the company, and Dubai sounds all exotic and dick-swingy (and cheap. But that's because it's Ramadam and July) so in that case the reward suits the boss and he's being unreasonable.

Either way, I do agree the DH should probably go. But he needs to be thinking hard about his boundaries. And getting some of his paternity leave.

spacegoat Thu 18-Jul-13 10:17:24

I agree you're probably right to let him go. You are also within your rights to remember it though.

Just don't become a matyr to his work. Sometimes that can take resolve on your part, but it will get easier as children get older.

specialsubject Thu 18-Jul-13 10:21:57

Dubai? In July?

7 hours on a plane to a boiling hot place with nothing to do except shop and sit on a beach (For which it is too hot) in the middle of a religious festival which shuts everything down?

doesn't sound like a treat to me.

Emilythornesbff Thu 18-Jul-13 10:23:23

I disagree about the point that women who say he shouldn't go don't understand the importance of overseas trips. My Dh used ti travel extensively in his previous job. When it's required, it's required. But that isn't the same as being at the beck and call of your boss to the detriment of your family. Being the monkey who jumps highest isn't necessarily the way to climb the highest. It certainly doesn't make you indispensable. Just more likely to be asked to jump next time.
Op. your dh should be able to make the call about whether he should go or not.
But you are not being unreasonable in wanting him to stay. This IS a jolly. Imho.
And totally agree with ppl about being the worst time of year. My family who live there are en route back to the uk for the summer. Mental hot.

Emilythornesbff Thu 18-Jul-13 10:25:19

And congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby.

MrsOakenshield Thu 18-Jul-13 10:26:04

the thing that I would want to make very clear at this point (because this is raising a red flag to me, and it seems to be the case with too many couples) is that when (if this is your plan) you return to work, he (and therefore his boss) must accept that childcare is split between parents and so, for example, if you LO got chickenpox and was at home for 2 weeks, it shouldn't be down to you to take all the time off work to look after him.

Persoanlly, I would be dead pissed off that at the ONE TIME in your life when you could reasonably expect your DH to be off work (when his DW has their baby) he is back at work and off on a jaunt. To me, that puts you and your DC definitely after work in the pecking order. At 9 weeks I was still finding everything such a struggle and I would have been in bits if this had happened to me.

Your DH's boss is a cunt, frankly, but I'm not rating your DH much better right now, tbh. Oh, and remember this, whilst you are on ML, doing all the childcare, you are facilitating his career.

NobodyPutsTomArcherInTheCorner Thu 18-Jul-13 10:29:43

I'm torn on this. It sounds a one off and only two days etc.

But it's the wanting to go in the first place when he knows he's needed that hurts. I so sympathise. It puts the ball in your court to say yes or no to him having fun and that seems unfair.

My dh religiously opts to go away every year and has done so for years on a 4 day sports trip abroad leaving me with 3 dc holding the fort. It's caused no end of rows. And yet he still does it knowing how much it upsets mesad Sorry not much help there am I...?sad Just don't allow any feelings on this to fester on because it's a big bone of contention between us in our case and just gets dragged into other unrelated things.

Mia4 Thu 18-Jul-13 11:18:56

I think your DH needs to speak to his boss about taking the rest of his paternity leave that he is legally entitled to. A holiday doesn't make up for that, it's generous of his boss to thank his staff (and it seems like it's not just targeted at your DH and pulling you both apart because others are going to) but he obviously doesn't have a clue as to your situation and how cutting short the leave affected you both.

Whether he goes away or not, the missed leave needs to be addressed. If boss is feeling that 'generous' now the busy period is lulling then he should agree that your DH can take his paternity as soon as he gets back/instead of going.

YANBU to be upset but whether he goes or not depends on you and your DH, how this affects his job (whether he'll be networking in Dubai) and supporting your family. You nave to make it clear to your DH though just why you are upset and he needs to understand that you need more support and DH needs to get his paternity leave.

Tbh, if he goes and takes the leave after, I'd be tempted to book a spa weekend and leave him to it for a few days so he fully understands how hard it is. He gets a break, you get a break, sounds fairer.

Owllady Thu 18-Jul-13 11:28:57

I think it can be very difficult to say no when you work for a smaller firm btdtgtt
I am sure it is not a reflection on what is he is like overall as a partner and a father

that said, i don't think it hurts for him to step up to his responsibilities at home and learn to say no more too

44 degrees and Ramadan not exactly the best time to be going.

Its a tricky one and I think you are right not to make too much of this as I think it may harm your DH's career.

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 12:43:14

MrsOakenshiel DH job is more important than mine and it pays for the majority of the bills. Dh regularly works 10-11 hours a day, where I would do no where near that. It would make no sense for us to share the child care is LO was ill, until he was home.

Looking after LO by my self is not an issue, she is angel and were very lucky to have such a pleasant baby, I think want stung the most was that he wanted to go as I could never leave her so soon, but it doesn't mean he is a shit father he is what every dad should be. Attentive and idolises her.

I've told him to go for it and I'm gonna have a chat with him about the owing paternity leave tonight. See if he can have it back,finish a lot earlier or have long weekends, would be nice as its over summer any way.

Thanks your support! flowers

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 13:17:51

I don't think it is career limiting to refuse to be used in this way,. They just want you to think it is.

I have to admit I'm not all that objective about this. My DH chose, of his own free will to forgo all that corporate bollocks until mine got older. His family comes first.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 13:19:44

I underestand why you've decide to let him go.

I think you've also given permission for more advantage-taking from his boss.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 13:25:37

And great point about when the OP returns to work, MrsOakenshield.

Helspopje Thu 18-Jul-13 13:30:26

jings.

my husband is hanging out to have half an hour at team drinks tomorrow but has decided that he will decide whether to go at the last minute after checking in with me that me and my 10/52 and just 3-yr-old haven't all melted in head (nursery was 30 degrees yday!)

he has been remarkably duff on the pat leave though - basically took the time to catch up with work and do impt documents. A trip to dubai for all of us in a few months would only barely make up for having been left on my tod with a todddler and a newborn.

diddl Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:11

Hope it all goes OK OP, & that he also gets his paternity leave-and no heatstroke in Dubai!!

Belchica Thu 18-Jul-13 14:08:45

Hi OP, sounds like you have made your mind up. FWIW When I was 3 mths pregnant we were invited to a wedding in SA taking place 6 weeks after DS's due date. I declined but DP asked me if he could go. I said a combination of yes/I'll leave it up to you... not wanting to be the bad guy. As soon as DS was born, 1 wk late, I regretted it. DS's fourth and fifth week were dominated by me in tears dreading DP leaving us. We have no family close and our closest friends/nearest support were going to the wedding. It was midweek so couldn't ask people to take time out of work to help. The event was not as bad as the build up, but DP got some highly emotional emails from me in the middle of night!! I think DS picked up on my emotional state because as soon as DP left his sleeping got a lot worse....What I'm saying is, prepare yourself emotionally and try and stay calm...the upshot is that you can store up the points to be used for a veeeery long time. I am still getting mileage from 'yeah but you went to SA for 5 days when DS was 5 wks'...works a treat when I really want something.

Lj8893 Thu 18-Jul-13 14:09:44

sequins you say you don't agree with me but reading your post I don't see how you disagree with me? Or my partner rather as it was his thoughts on what he would do in that situation.

And my partner doesn't work 9-5, works very hard, always does extra overtime and has a very good and prospective career. Him taking the correct paternity leave wouldn't be detrimental in the slightest to his career.

Lj8893 Thu 18-Jul-13 14:11:31

Whoops just realised you meant LJ for lazy Jane!

MrsOakenshield Thu 18-Jul-13 14:54:09

well, as long as your employer is fine with the whole 'DH's job is more important than mine', that's fine. Of course, it's highly unlikely that they would be, given that they'll be paying you a salary etc. Think on this - a day when both you and DH are at work. You have an important meeting (or similar). Nursery ring to say DC is sick. Who leaves work to go and pick DC up? You, because that's what's expected? But you have an important meeting that you've spent a long time preparing for, and your boss isn't going to be best pleased - but your boss just has to suck it up, right? Because 'DH's job is more important'?

Hmmmm.

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:04:57

* Jamie* as I said before DH earns a lot more than me and works a hell of a lot longer days it wouldn't make sense for DH to do the child care, plus I would want to nurse her. The thought of her going to child care upsets me so I might not go back. Things will be tight as we're not entitled to anything but it will be DH wages that get us through.

I don't see an all expensive paid trip to Dubai being taken for advantage tbh, just shit inconsiderate timing and a blatant disregard that he has a baby.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 15:14:53

OP

I was a SAHM for 10 years, my DH is the higher earner. I want to just warn you about the power imbalance that you might be allowing to arise, and the fact that the resentment you have now could be multiplied if this goes on. You are allowed to assert yourself.

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:15:45

good call op, you sound like you have got it together.

did u say you had an 18 year old dd?

fantastic can she help?? 😃

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:18:12

Jamie, I hear you on the power imbalance. my m

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 15:18:28

I will back off now, though. smile

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:18:44

mrs I've just passed a promotion up because I don't know if I can be that flexible when I return. The reason I gave was just that. They was greatfull I was realistic and honest.

There is no point in making DH take a cut on hours so I can stay in work when we would be fanatically effected.. Massively .

I'm a sports coach so being trapped in meetings isn't gonna happen, yes I could be taking a class, but I might not even go back so it's not an issue.

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:19:43

bugger!!! she never worked. can't drive and dad really held the purse strings. she basically couldn't manage without him and he's made himself indispensable as she has no idea of bills or l

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:20:42

bloody hell!!! must be the heat.

anyway don't think op sounds like that sort of person though.

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:25:27

jaime on the power balance I agree and that is one of the reasons I'm struggling with not going back. Tbh my mind changes day by day. I love my job but my little LO is an IVF baby and don't want to miss anything .

thebody my 18 year old is mum no.2 with this child. She is one spoilt little lady grin

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:27:36

thebody grin sweaty fingers?!

babyhmummy01 Thu 18-Jul-13 15:29:51

dontgowadingin you dh's boss is being an arse but I agree with you that if there is a risk to.his.future and promotion then as much as it sucks he should go to Dubai. In a less dramatic way I have a similar issue with dp. There is a huge project going on where dp and I work that he is heavily involved in and involves installation of a new machine almost bang on my due date. Dp will need to be at work so his paternity may be delayed and I am facing a c section too so am terrified but considering his involvement could make or break his career at the company then I have encouraged him to do it. This is my first baby and luckily I have friends and family who will help out but like u I am thinking of not going back so dp needs to keep his job and hopefully progress.

Def ask for his paternity to be rescheduled though!

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:57:59

baby good luck with pregnancy and c section. Make sure you get plenty off rest afterwards !

babyhmummy01 Thu 18-Jul-13 16:10:36

dontgo thanks! I am excited and scared at the same time lol. IMO if ur dh's job gives u chance to stay home or cut ur hours then he needs to grease the wheels so to speak. Timing could be better but if its now or never, go for it. Skype is a fab tool

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