To want to die

(101 Posts)
Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:01:29

I don't want to kill myself, but I want to die.

Never in my life have I felt so fucking low in my life. I will cars on the other side of the road to hit me, so then someone will see me. Me, and that I'm still here.

No one wants to care, no-one cares and no-one ever will. I'm 28 years old, I don't deserve to live because I've wasted my life feeling like this.

QOD Wed 17-Jul-13 21:03:25

Ae you on anti depressants? Do you have a dp children etc? Have you seen your dr xx

Lilicat1013 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:04:00

I am sorry you feel so low. If it means anything to you I care, I care very much that someone feels so low they don't want to live.

Have to go any real life help at the moment?

foolonthehill Wed 17-Jul-13 21:04:19

sorry you feel like be a bystander in your own life must feel terrible. Do you need professional help do you think? Can we help in any way? You are not invisible and you do matter

TreborMint Wed 17-Jul-13 21:04:48

Oh gosh - I'm so so sorry. Do you want to talk?

I'm not very good at this but I can listen and I'm here for a while - sure others will be along soon with advice.

Would you consider calling the Samaritans?


DoctorAnge Wed 17-Jul-13 21:06:09

Darling you need some medication. Have you spoken to your GP.
They have changed my life after a breakdown earlier in the year. Please get help.

pinguwings Wed 17-Jul-13 21:06:13

Deep breath. Doctors ASAP.

You matter.

You won't feel like this forever.

Hi, am so sorry you are feeling like this, can you tell us a bit about yourself?

We can try and help if you help us understand why you are feeling like this.

I care, I don't know you, but I don't want you to be feeling so low and will help in any way I can. xx

ilovecolinfirth Wed 17-Jul-13 21:08:35

Hi there, I'm sending big hugs out to you. I really think you need to get professional help straight away, you obviously need to talk to someone.

Be strong. X

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:08:39

I'm on fluxotine 20mg, I've had 4 good days but shit this is a bad one. I have two beautiful children and a DH who has done nothing but hold me whilst I sob, it's still not enough.

Please make me stop feeling like this

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 17-Jul-13 21:10:12

You havnt wasted your life. You are 28, which is no age at all.
Please go to the GP and tell them how you are feeling.
Trust me, just asking for help will start the process of getting better.

HooverFairy Wed 17-Jul-13 21:11:16

Oh op, I'm sorry you feel so awful. I'm not a dr but it sounds like you are suffering from depression - something completely out of your control. I doubt others see your pain, please don't think that no one cares.

You need to see your own self worth, but I think a dr needs to help you to do that. Don't let feeling like this rule your life, you'll miss the good bits.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 17-Jul-13 21:11:25

X post.
Not all anti-D's are suitable for everyone. Go back to GP-tomorrow. This is an emergency, so treat it as such.

lessonsintightropes Wed 17-Jul-13 21:12:58

Or if you really are feeling like acting on these impulses, please, please, please, take yourself to A&E. You are ill, not unworthy, and need treatment, not judgement - and (out on a limb here but do work in the MH field) in need of it.

laloue Wed 17-Jul-13 21:13:38

Please call Samaritans, you don't even have to talk,you can just cry, blub, say what you want, or nothing. Please? You do matter.

greeneyed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:13:46

meh how long have you been on the meds, they take two weeks to start working and you are on the lowest dose. Go back to docs, fwiw fluoxetine has changed my life. You WILL feel better one day this will be in the distant past and you will find joy in life again. Hang on in there. You are worth it and people love you.

Definitely go back to the gp and tell them how you are feeling, they can only help you if they know about it. Sometimes it can take a few tries before you find the right medication and dosage for you.

How old are your beautiful children?

pjmama Wed 17-Jul-13 21:15:30

How long have you been on the fluoxetine? My dr told me when I started taking it that if I had suicidal thoughts, to stop and contact them straight away. It's awful feeling the way you do, but it can get better - please see your gp ASAP xx

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:15:57

I've never hurt so much, I can't breath.

I've got some stress management courses and some counselling to go on soon, but I'm just waiting for the appointments to be set.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:16:41

What greeneyed said, they take time to start working but PLEASE go to your doctors because it is known that these type of drugs can, rarely, give rise to thoughts of suicide in the first few weeks - your doctor needs to know how you are feeling.

Can you tell us why you feel this way, how you got to be on the meds? Do you have children? You write intelligently - you sound like a good person.

We can see you and hear your anguish, we are listening xx

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:17:09

My children are 18 months and 3 years old. How can I leave them? They need me.

gordyslovesheep Wed 17-Jul-13 21:17:26

call the samaritans they really do help xxx I am sorry you are feeling like this - please remember you are ILL - if you had had surgery you would expect it to hurt a bit before getting better slowly - be kind to yourself x

Paintingrainbowskies Wed 17-Jul-13 21:17:30

The Samaratins will always listen 08457 90 90 90

londonrach Wed 17-Jul-13 21:18:33

You matter. Please talk to someone be it the gp, friends or family. You matter alot more than you think. Xxxx

Snoopytwist Wed 17-Jul-13 21:19:30

Hang on in there - this panic and pain will pass. Focus on getting through the next five minutes, then congratulate yourself, before on to the next five. We are all here with you xxx

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:19:36

I've lost the bestest friend I ever had. We had a huge falling out, she done something so utterly stupid and I judged her for it.

She needed me and I wasn't there. Now, she won't respond to emails or texts and that's it. It's hurting me so much, 14 years down the pan. It's finished, I can't do anymore and I don't even know if I can forgive her, but I just want a hug from her.

monicalewinski Wed 17-Jul-13 21:20:36

It takes time for anti-depressants to work, but they do in the end. Please be honest with your husband about how you are really feeling, and get in touch with your doctor ASAP. Phone the Samaritans too if it gets too much at any point, this is why they're there. You are not worthless, you do matter and you would be missed. x

Is your husband with you just now?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:21:15

The samaritans You can call these if you need to talk to somoene now

You are not alone

This sounds like a panic attack - just concentrate on your breathing, slowly, from your, 1 2 3 4 out.......... Imagine a calming image as you do this.

Hello there OP
Sorry to hear you're feeling like this
We would prefer to move your thread to
our mental health topic
We also have a list of real life professional organisations who can help

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:23:12

He's just watering the garden, he has been all evening though.

newestbridearound Wed 17-Jul-13 21:23:45

This will pass. Keep telling yourself that, write it down and stare at it if need be. Because eventually it will. You won't believe it now but it will.

I've been where you are, it is the darkest most awful place. Like you I didn't want to die, I just wanted everything to end, for things to stop hurting and there to just be nothingness. I read somewhere once that the impulse for suicide happens when pain exceeds our coping mechanisms for coping with pain. Trying to get back in control is the first step to finding life easier again.

Definitely ring the gp and ask to see them as soon as possible. If you are feeling like this then you need some extra help and support. Like someone else has said the samaritans are also brilliant just for having someone to listen. They really, really helped me on one of the worst days imaginable.

Remember that tomorrow is a new day- and you said prior to this you had 4 good days, so maybe tomorrow will be better xxx

LEMisdisappointed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:03

Give her, and yourself time, has this just happened recently? Don't text anymore tonight. Look after yourself tonight

EmmaBemma Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:04

I have little useful advice, but couldn't read and not post - just wanted to say I'm so sorry life is so hard for you at the moment. I've been in similar places to you and have had treatment. I hope it's not too trite to pass on a quote from a friend that has often sustained me (think it's from Winston Churchill originally - who suffered from depression too): "when you're going through hell, keep going".

Lots of people you've never met are reading this and are thinking of you. Hang in there. x

greeneyed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:13

How long have you been feeling so low and wanting to die? Does your doctor know about these thoughts, have you suddenly got worse? Please believe me when I say the chemicals in your brain are not working properly but it can be fixed. You do not have to live like this for ever. If you think you are unsafe get medical help immediately.

peachypips Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:14

Hey love. How long have you been on your Fluoxetine? I've been bad and I am we'll and fine now. You WILL get better and not feel like this once you have the right treatment. Keep posting

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:25:48

It happened at the beginning of June. DH has gone up for a shower and I've never been more tempted to get in the car and piss off.

My eyes are stinging and my heart hurts.

casawasa Wed 17-Jul-13 21:26:21

You have 2 young children who need you. My h killed himself and i see how it is affecting my lovely ds and how he will have to deal with it for the rest of his life. It will define his life.
There is lots of help available but you and your dh need to ask for it. As other posters have said your doctor is the first step.
You can and you must ask for help - please.

plim Wed 17-Jul-13 21:27:08

Try not to worry about your friend and I really think you should try and talk to a professional like your gp or the Samaritans. They are great and you will get through this.

KittensoftPuppydog Wed 17-Jul-13 21:28:05

So sorry you feel like that. Talk to the samaritans and your doctor. A change of medication may work. All the best. Things do change.

londonrach Wed 17-Jul-13 21:29:24

Do you have a close friend you can talk to now. You have two children who love you. Xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I think you should knock trying to contact her on the head for now while you get yourself feeling better and stronger, I know its hard, but you have to come first.

Your DH is very keen, gardening at this hour of the night, I can barely get mine to put the kettle on, you will have to share your secret.

Do you have boys or girls? Does the eldest go to nursery?

MissStrawberry Wed 17-Jul-13 21:31:25

Go back to your doctor and talk how you are feeling through. Sometimes it can take a few attempts to get you on the right tablets and the right dose. It may also be worth looking at other forms of therapy - talking, counselling, exercise and doing things for yourself.

I understand you don't want to die but you do want this feeling to stop. Ask for the help you need to get where you need to be.

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:31:41

I have no-one, no-one at all.

I'm sorry but I have to go, I need to gather my thoughts. Sorry for the dramatic post x

greeneyed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:31:59

Have you told DH how bad you feel tonight. Can he take you to the GP in the morning.

When I hit my worst DH had to come with me to the GP as I couldn't function on my own and thought I'd lost my mind forever. The GP took me really seriously because my husband was there too. I was so much better in a few weeks then lifechangingly better within a few months after CBT as well. It's all a distant memory and this will be for you one day though I know right now it is absolutely terrifying. Please go and tell your DH you are scared for your safety and what you might do. x

mittensthekitten Wed 17-Jul-13 21:32:49

Your children need you to be alive. Regardless of anything else, I promise you 100% they need you, they see you, they love you. You are the centre of their world and they need you.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:38:47

Don't be sorry Meh, if you have been able to gather some thoughts from this thread then that is brilliant and we are only too pleased. Its not dramatic, its how you were feeling, just be aware that you wont feel like this forever. You are 28 and have a good life ahead of you xx

ChimeForChange Wed 17-Jul-13 21:39:18

Stay here Meh84 and chat if it helps you. There's lots of us online x x

newestbridearound Wed 17-Jul-13 21:41:54

Please take care if you are going. There's plenty of support here if you do feel you want to come back later xx

passmetheprozac Wed 17-Jul-13 21:43:16

Oh my days this was me a year ago. My doctor said that because I cried, because I asked for help, It meant that I wanted to get better, It meant that I wanted to live.

My doctor said if I was cold and not showing emotion to how I was feeling then he would be really, really worried.

I was prescribed Citalopram, and Diazipam, the Diazipam was prescribed to ease me in to the Citalopram as it takes a while to kick in.

I am now a year later still on Citalopram, I am doing so much better. I want to live, the pounding, hopeless, hurt is not there.

Please keep posting, through the hammering heart, through the feelings of fuck this.

And please go back to your GP, please make an emergency appointment first thing.

Let me know that you have done this OK?

deeplybaffled Wed 17-Jul-13 21:43:51

I've had some very black times too. The thing with the meds is that they do take time to kick in - sometimes a few weeks- and the gap is horrible as you feel that they never will. But they will.
Talk to the doctor, maybe an increased dose might be needed.
Don't give up. As someone said upthread, take it five minutes at a time, and even if it seems endless, it is an achievement.
You will get there. Really.

notpossibleisit Wed 17-Jul-13 21:48:00


I guarantee there are many more people in the world who care about you than you realise. You have everyone who has posted here for a start.

Just last week in my town, a 28 year old woman with two young children killed herself. Tonight, I went to look at the memorial set up for her. The sheer number of flowers and notes and tributes was amazing. So many people have visited that memorial in the last week- so many people loved and cared for that lady.

I have no idea of her personal circumstances, but I'm guessing she also felt very alone. This makes it even more tragic, as the memorial shows you how many people really do care.

You are the most important person in your children's lives. Fact. They need you there for them, more than they need anything else. Talk to your DH- tell him how you feel.

You said you have no-one at all, but that's not true. You have all of us, there are people on MN 24/7. You have your DH and your children. You will never, ever be alone.

You will only have wasted your life if you end it. Please see your doctor, and stay on MN- there are people here who care about you more than you will ever know.

MrsLouisTheroux Wed 17-Jul-13 21:57:52

Tomorrow morning, phone GP surgery and explain that you are on fluxotine for depression and that you are experiencing very bad side effects. Ask for an emergency appointment and tell them what you have told us.
You are not well and it is likely that this medication is making you worse so don't take any more.
My DH took fluxotine and he didn't talk, eat, sleep. It made him worse than ever. It suits many people I'm sure but it doesn't suit you.
You have a plan. To ride the waves tonight and go to the doctors tomorrow.
You deserve to feel better. x

londone17 Wed 17-Jul-13 22:02:04

Great post notpossible. If five minutes is too much, a minute at a time. You have so much to live for. Could you try distacting yourself just for now? Is there anything you could do round the house to take your mind off things?

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Wed 17-Jul-13 22:15:27

Meh I care about you too. You have been extremely brave in posting and asking for help.

What would help you? What do you think would help you get better?

Please know that you may feel worthless right now but to your children and DH and no doubt countless other people, you're their whole world and your life has infinite value and meaning.

MNHQ, please don't move this thread to Mental Health unless the OP wants. I wonder if the high traffic on AIBU might be a good thing in this instance - hopefully Meh will see how many internet strangers genuinely do care.

passmetheprozac Wed 17-Jul-13 22:25:15

I agree with Bluebird, the op is NBU in how she feels. And that's OK.

MelodyBaker Wed 17-Jul-13 22:31:40

Meh, don't be upset you feel this way. I felt like you do for months after my friend died, I was angry at everyone but I got help.
Counselling and Anti-Depressants have really helped me. I did nearly attempt suicide but I got help when I was <> that close to doing it. I've got a daughter, she's 14 and the light of my life. I'm here for her and she knows how bad I feel sometimes but she helps me.
Get help sweetheart, go back to the doctor and tell them how you feel. If you get worse, call the samaritans. Do not beat yourself up over feeling this way.

MrsLouisTheroux Thu 18-Jul-13 06:15:55

How are you OP?

twinsister Thu 18-Jul-13 06:28:27

thinking about you this morning Meh. Some good advice on here and lots of hand holding. Hope you can get into your doctor or emergency doctor today x

BriefcaseOfFacts Thu 18-Jul-13 06:38:05

Morning Meh. A new day. I hope you can get an appointment. If you don't have the strength to battle with the receptionist, maybe ask your dh to make it for you. Take care and please be reassured by all of us who have been through mental health problems, you will not feel like this forever, life can and WILL be so much better.

celestialbows Thu 18-Jul-13 06:55:29

Meh I have been where you are now. Our children are a similar age. I was a high suicide risk but I didn't tell anybody which was really stupid but my brain chemistry was fucked at the time. Try and fast track your counselling, if the gp can't help go privately, you need to be there for your family. You won't always feel this way, the meds and counselling will come gether to help you.
Forget about the friend for now, you can deal with that when you're better . Your family is what counts, imagine how your death would affect your children and your husband, just take it a step at a time. If you need him to take over the kids so you can breathe then he needs to do it.
You need to tackle your sleeping habits if you are missing sleep you need to sort this asap, ear plugs, eye mask, there is so much you can do.
Pilates, yoga can help you relax and take you away from the situation. Deep breathing and meditation are tiny easy things to try and refocus the mind, it sounds was wacky but really helps, Google mindfulness.

Remember what you enjoyed before the kids came along and do some of that, whether it's something creative or just going swimming or walking or even sunbathe, drawing, writing, reading chick lit, just anything at all to change your day. Think about your diet, eat green leafy veg, all the essential nutrients like egg, olive oil, wholegrain carbs, lots of healthy protein, take fish oils, there are so many small changes to make that will just help you shift your focus. Keep posting here, remember that you are not alone in feeling this way, your mind is playing tricks on you, your body and brain chemistry are messed up from the stresses of parenting two small children and you can get better, just break everything down into tiny steps, one small challenge at a time.

Meh84 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:08:51

Thank you so much for the advice.

I'm OK, I didn't go to bed last night but I didn't do anything stupid either. I had a crisis number given to me by the counsellor which I can phone whenever I want so I'll be doing that shortly.

I also need to think about going to work and I really can't be arsed with any of it, but maybe it's better to be there than here by myself.

I love you all, you have shown you care when many of my RL friends have no idea x

marriedinwhiteagain Thu 18-Jul-13 07:14:10

Hope you have a good day Meh84 come and tell us about it tonight. Try to do at least one thing that makes you feel better - a sit in the sun with some tea or a good book, buy a pretty card with a nice message to keep and pretend it's from all of us, squirt on some nice perfume before you go and sniff your wrists during the day, take a pic of you dc and have little peeps at it.

SuperiorCat Thu 18-Jul-13 07:24:07

I missed this last night. I have no wise advice to add, just posting so you know that people you don't know, do care. And you do matter.

myroomisatip Thu 18-Jul-13 07:30:43

Hey I care too.

I have felt like you on occasions. Please get help today.

loveliesbleeding1 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:55:29

Hello meh thinking of you today have also felt like you after the dark a new day comes x

londonrach Thu 18-Jul-13 07:56:30

Morning open. Was thinking of you like I'm sure everyone else was. Please see the gp today re tablets. Do something fun, maybe with the children or friends. It's a beautiful day why not go to the park with a picnic or pop into a coffee shop for a piece of chocolate cake. X

londonrach Thu 18-Jul-13 07:57:04

Op not open. Sorry. X

Keepithidden Thu 18-Jul-13 08:40:39

Can't offer any additional advice I'm afraid Meh, but only reiterate what everyone else has said, you do matter, try and get some help if you can.

This struck me:

I love you all, you have shown you care when many of my RL friends have no idea

It is so true, Mumsnet and anonymous internet fora are so much easier to pour your heart out to compared to people in RL. I'm so thankful I found the folk on here, there's so much support here for you, and anyone who needs it. Keep posting.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 09:06:08

Thinking of you today. Hope it's a new beginning for you. Or at least the beginning of the end of the worst times.

sparkle101 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:09:40

Meh- 23 years ago yesterday my dad killed himself.

I have been through every emotion known that he could leave three children and a wife behind. I would give anything to go back and beg him to get help.

Please get whatever help you need. It's all out there for you, you just need to ask.

newestbridearound Thu 18-Jul-13 09:25:01

Morning Meh. I'm so glad you are going to ring the crisis number today- it shows real strength to reach out and ask for help, especially when so low. I hope that they have some useful suggestions and support available to you.

Today is a new day, a different one from yesterday, hopefully it will be better for you xx

Snoopytwist Thu 18-Jul-13 09:45:51

You have shown amazing strength to get through last night, Meh... you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for - draw on that strength again and get some help today - call the crisis number or get an emergency appointment with the GP.

I bet so many people went to sleep last night thinking of you - I know I did. Today is a new day - be kind to yourself and get some support xxx

goodmum123 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:58:08

Meh, this was me.

Keep talking on here, it will work and get you thru this.

Go to the doc again and have sort the therapy soon, its the best!!

Keep talking, I'm crying as I felt like this a year and a half ago (when dd was 18 months)

It is just your mind playing horrible tricks on you. If you had a broken arm you'd get medical help, well this is just your mind a little broken at the moment.

Damn right your children need you and always will, don't leave them.

Got to go now as getti g emotional (I care about you) and I'm late for work


goodmum123 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:58:52

Sparkle 101 xxxx

MrsBodger Thu 18-Jul-13 09:59:43

Asking for help is such a hard thing to do, but the help is there for you. And it's so hard to believe that you can ever feel any different to the way you feel now, but you can and you will.

We are all thinking of you and praying for you.


Thinking of you today.

Remember there is a difference between wanting the crap feeling to end and wanting your life to end. Wanting your life to stop being the way it is doesn't mean you want your life to stop.

Do ring the crisis number and come back and talk to us as and when you need to.

Latara Thu 18-Jul-13 10:54:45

Hi Meh, I've had several periods of depression, the last serious time was in April. I had to increased my ADs dose (Venlafaxine) to 300mg on 1st May which has finally started to kick in in the last few days, so I now feel very bright and positive.

I'm even thinking of going to the beach today! Which Is not like me.

I think you will improve too but at the moment you will find that hard to imagine.

But honestly you will start to feel better, it will take a while and you will feel crap but hold on in there and it will be worth it in the end, trust me.

In the meantime you might not feel like it but try to stick to a daily routine and eat healthily if nothing else; going to work may help take your mind off things a bit.

Take care xx

UnexpectedStepmum Thu 18-Jul-13 11:33:42

Just wanted to say hang on in there. It's a long haul but you will make it, and we are all routing for you.

thepixiefrog Thu 18-Jul-13 13:15:47

Poor love, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have 2 DC and a lovely dh too but that doesn't make the demons go away. You've done brilliantly getting yourself professional help and to reach out on mn is fantastic. Those actions show that even though you feel awful you still care about yourself deep down. I have found that Meditation has been fantastic for managing my depression. If you can find a course to go on then get it booked, it has been more effective in 2 months than AD's and years of therapy ever have been.

Will be thinking about you, take care of

BeKindToYourKnees Thu 18-Jul-13 13:29:05

Meh, SSRI's (citalopram, paroxetine, fluoxetine, sertraline etc) can have horrible side-effects for a small percentage of people. They are not suitable for everyone.

Your GP may want to increase your dose and if you are not suited to them, your suicidal thoughts may worsen.

I wish the evidence had been available before I was prescribed them as like you, I wanted to die rather than kill myself and these feelings increased the more my prescription was upped.

Please go back to your GP and in the meantime just try to get through each day as best you can.

quesadilla Thu 18-Jul-13 13:53:59

Very sorry to hear you are going through this.
Don't have much specific advice except to say I guarantee you there are people who care about you and you will get through this.
I also think its worth going to the GP as soon as possible about the meds thing.
Good luck, there are lots of people on here thinking about you.

LimitedEditionLady Thu 18-Jul-13 14:53:21

You sound like my mother when she was ill.You can get through this,it will get better.Ive seen it get better x

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 18-Jul-13 16:30:50

I've been there. Hold on tight, it will pass. I promise.
Get to the doctor ASAP, lean on your husband, lean on us. So many of us know how you feel and have lived to tell the tale. One day this will all be a memory, nothing more. Just keep breathing, one breath at a time is all you need to do right now.
Very unmumsnetty hugs x

jeanmiguelfangio Thu 18-Jul-13 16:42:28

You'll get there Meh, I've been there, and I'm looking at my beautiful daughter now but there were times when I didn't want to wake up anymore. Please go back to the dr, fluoxetine isn't for everyone, you have to find the ones that work. It's horrendous but know that you are not alone both in how you feel and now when you need a hand.
It's no RL hug or someone to hear, but I am here to listen, sometimes the stranger is the best person to talk to

Meh84 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:29:12

So, I got through today without crying or feeling like I wanted to die. That's something right?!

I went to work, picked the children up came home and cooked tea. I even went to the AGM meeting at the pre-school. I spoke, I functioned, I think I even laughed today at one point. I feel like I'm waiting for the next episode to happen.

But for now, I'm sitting quietly in my thoughts, just so.

A friend at work, my manager actually, gave me this quote written on a piece of paper. I found it was odd because I said no word to her how I'd been feeling or what had happened last night:

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”

You've all been amazing, I love you all which is an odd thing to say to a bunch of vipers wink

Seriously....thank you

marriedinwhiteagain Thu 18-Jul-13 21:37:21

Glad you had a better day. Come back whenever it isn't.

I am so pleased to read your post - it has made my day. YAY to Meh

wharrgarbl Thu 18-Jul-13 21:41:15

It's definitely something. I always think of it as waiting for the bounce - I dip right down, but I will bounce up again. I just have to be still and wait.
Your manager sounds like a really good person.
I love this line But for now, I'm sitting quietly in my thoughts, just so. It's just poetic and so evocative of the mental stillness.

facedontfit Thu 18-Jul-13 21:57:57

Hug for Meh

newestbridearound Thu 18-Jul-13 22:14:21

I'm so glad you had a better day. A lovely quote as well x

Helpforthehopeless Thu 18-Jul-13 22:30:20

You will have good days and bad days Meh. On a bad day, remember that a good day may follow. Take each day as it comes while you wait for your professional help to be sorted out. Hang in there! Not many of us are lucky enough never to have felt the way you feel at the moment. Thinking of you. xx

Helpforthehopeless Thu 18-Jul-13 22:31:38

You will have good days and bad days Meh. On a bad day, remember that a good day may follow. Take each day as it comes while you wait for your professional help to be sorted out. Hang in there! Not many of us are lucky enough never to have felt the way you feel at the moment. Thinking of you. xx

rainbowbrite1980 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:37:38

This will pass. It doesn't feel like it right now, you feel there is no hope and that you'll always feel like this. You won't, and there is future ahead for you. You said your children need you. Hold onto that - they need YOU, nobody else will do, and you HAVE TO stay around for them.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them - go back to the GP, show them this post if you have to - there are other antidepressants they can try, and other medications they can use too, and talking therapies. They should refer you to the community mental health team, for more support.

I have been there in the past and spent some time in hospital. I'm not saying you'll need that - but I truly believed my life was over and it wasn't. Please talk to someone in real life.

Isabeller Thu 18-Jul-13 22:39:55

Thinking of you M x

I know what it feels like to not want to be alive. At one really low point someone said 'keep breathing' at another I remember repeating to myself 'this too shall pass, this too shall pass' at another someone said 'when a day or an hour is too long just get through 5 minutes at a time'.

It is tough but you are bearing it flowers

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 22:40:05

You really are quite an amazing woman. You can't see it now but you are.

In awe of your corkage and remember, this too will pass.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 22:41:54

Corkage??!! confused

Courage, not corkage! Bloody iPad. Although I'm sure you're very good at opening a bottle of win too!

facedontfit Thu 18-Jul-13 22:42:54

Corkage smile

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 22:43:00

Wine, not win!

<gives up and goes to bed, clearly too much corkage of wine going on in my house tonight!>

Pigsmummy Thu 18-Jul-13 23:30:57

Before I even saw the last post with corkage and wine references I was going to say that even if you are feeling better don't drink, I know you were joking BBOMS but I was suicidal after drinking on the same meds as you, take all the help and support that you can, also don't stop any meds suddenly. I wish you the very best x

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 24-Jul-13 13:43:54

Just wondering how you are doing Meh84?

goodmum123 Wed 07-Aug-13 09:02:11

How are you doing meh? X

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