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aibu to have loved the space with dh away for a week? is it a sign I should break up with him?

(61 Posts)
thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 14:37:33

Dh and I haven't had separate holidays in years. He has been away for a week and I have loved it. Loved it. Skipped about the house, sang in the shower, giggled with my ds, hung out with the neighbours, loved every second. Fallen asleep blissful every night totally happy. I've been with dh for about 7 years .... am I being unreasonable to think this is A big sign that we should break up, or is this a usual feeling among people in long relationships?

Dededum Wed 17-Jul-13 14:40:22

My mother (happily married for nearly 50 years) was just joking that my dad was in the States working and it was lovely to have time to herself.
So no I think it is a sign of a good relationship.

squeakytoy Wed 17-Jul-13 14:40:27

I love it when my husband works away, and I love having short breaks away with my friends too.. it doesnt mean I should break up with him. I married him, I didnt become fused to him... we can do things apart and still be happy.

AuntieMaggie Wed 17-Jul-13 14:40:52

Imo this is usual.

allaflutter Wed 17-Jul-13 14:40:58

do you mean you can't even skip around the house or sing in the shower when he's around? does he comment negatively? in this case, you probably shouuld split up. Or is it the case that you are just too busy with him around (talking, cooking etc) and don't feel like singing/skipping?

Lovemynailstoday Wed 17-Jul-13 14:43:05

Don't worry about it. It's great to have your own space. My Dh just moved back into our bedroom after a week on the couch with drippy summer cold. I'm a bit hmm

Purple2012 Wed 17-Jul-13 14:44:11

It's normal. I enjoy the odd bit of time at home on my own. It doesn't mean I'm not glad to see my husband when he gets home. I am off work this week and he is working day shift for the rest of the week. I am enjoying just pottering around doing my own thing but will be happy to see him when he gets home.

thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 14:51:05

Well it's more that he is relatively needy in alot of ways and requires a lot of 'tending' if you know what I mean. We talk for hours about lots of stuff but he also needs alot of focus.... And we argue quite a lot, an upsetting row at least once a week, so it was especially nice knowing my mood was my own

monsterhigh Wed 17-Jul-13 14:54:17

I love having space to myself too, am already looking forward to DH going to visit his parents abroad next month! I don't think it indicates anything about your relationship. But your second post is a bit worrying with the regular rows, it sounds like there is a lot of tension in the house when he's around, and perhaps that's why you felt more relaxed without him there?

It is normal.
<<whispers>> I like it when DH takes the children to visit his family and I have the whole place to myself for a bit. I tidy up and an hour later its still tidy shock.

I'm not planning to give my children away because of this.

thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 14:55:34

Yeah, once a week, quite a lot, would you say?

Euphemia Wed 17-Jul-13 14:56:43

My DH never goes anywhere. envy

Numberlock Wed 17-Jul-13 14:59:01

I think it would be abnormal to not enjoy spending time apart from your partner.

defineme Wed 17-Jul-13 15:00:57

He sounds very hard work. I have 3 kids who are hard work: I don't need a dh who's hard work. My dh needs to work with me and be a team. Obviously we support each other if shit happens, but it's equal.

You sound as happy as I was when my twins went to school-high as a kite I was because the responsibility had been lifted.
I really don't think this is a normal way to feel about your dh.

I enjoy having the whole bed and being in sole charge of the tv, but something is missing when dh is away and I miss talking to him.

If you wouldn't miss him at all, it sounds like time to look at your relationship.

MaxPepsi Wed 17-Jul-13 15:01:13

My friends all think I am mad because I insist, yes insist, on not just a seperate bed to my DH but a seperate room <shock horror>

I also love the fact that he works shifts so 2 nights every 6 days are spent in total isolation in the house with just the dog for company.

However, you possibly need to stop pampering to his every need and concentrate on yourself a bit more.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 17-Jul-13 15:02:24

I skip round the house when my DH is away too but I like him being at home as well.

How did his return make you feel? If it was met by a sinking feeling I'd say that was much more of a concern than skipping round and enjoying the space created by his absence.

defineme Wed 17-Jul-13 15:02:30

Once a week is a lot to have an upsetting row-dh and I frequently disagree, but I must find a row upsetting about once a year.

I think you have to look at rows in context. If you are both under a lot of pressure at the moment then you can both have a short fuse and so react a bit more sharply than you would otherwise.

Habitual rows can also be an issue i.e. once a week you churn over one of a regular series of topics that you never agree on. The trick with these is to walk away and not engage (it only takes one of you to do this).

If the rows are personal or involve negative criticism or you feel you have to walk on eggshells around him then that is a different matter.

wonderingsoul Wed 17-Jul-13 15:06:06

i dont think it was the time away that indicates you have a problem.

its him and his needs. having a major row once a week is prob not healthy,

I was going to say not a problem and I love the occasional break from my DH, but your further post caused me to reconsider. Do you think about separating when he is around too?

littlepeas Wed 17-Jul-13 15:19:19

I love a bit of space from my dh, but love his company too. If you are not feeling the latter then maybe you need to reconsider your relationship.

BadLad Wed 17-Jul-13 15:32:54

I am working from home this week, and it is fantastic getting up whenever I feel like it, working slobbed out on the floor in my underpants constantly snacking, with music DW doesn't like playing.

I still look forward to seeing her in the evenings.

The only snag is the hurried clean up before she gets home.

I think from your OP it is nothing to worry about - the rowing in your second post is more concerning if it is constantly upsetting you.

OHforDUCKScake Wed 17-Jul-13 15:43:24

What BadLad said, the first post sounded normal. The second one sounded like really hard work, I feel for you.

GrimmaTheNome Wed 17-Jul-13 15:46:51

Is his neediness 'normal' for him or is it that he's going through something particularly stressful at the moment?

There are spells when what you've written sounds a little like me and DH...but its not the norm, he is a 'D'H and we've been together over 30 years.

Would you feel better or worse if when he went away you knew he wouldn't be back in a week?

FobblyWoof Wed 17-Jul-13 15:50:52

It's not a sign in itself that you should split up, but your OP speaks volumes. Is it the case that everything you listed in that first post is something you either don't do or feel you can't do when DH is home? Obviously I get the falling asleep bit, especially in this bloody heat, but laughing with your DS? Do you not do this when DH is home?

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 17-Jul-13 15:51:11

It is normal to enjoy having the place to yourself for a bit smile

It is not normal nor desirable that he's 'needy' and needs a lot of 'tending to' or that you have upsetting rows once a week. It sounds like you are pretty stressed by the relationship - that he takes from your life rather than adds to it.

See how you feel when he comes home.

Are there any changes you could make to your relationship that would make you happier or do you really think it's time to get out of a relationship that is so clearly dragging you down? Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

Mine's away this week and I am enjoying it. He is messy and noisy, so the calm is wonderful, but I'll be pleased to have him back. Even though the first thing he will do is rumple the house up again.

I am not surprised you are relaxed when he is away, if you are having a big bust up once a week though. That sounds very stressful.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 17-Jul-13 15:56:47

Having and enjoying your own space is great and healthy. I'm not sure rowing once a week is.

Aniseeda Wed 17-Jul-13 15:59:41

I love it when my DH goes away which, sadly, is quite rare.

I was gutted last year when he went for a walking weekend with his Dad and they got rained off and he phoned and said he was on his way home a day early - I'd been so looking forward to the bed to myself for another night! DH goes to bed quite early so it's rare treat for me to be able to snuggle up with a cup of tea and read for hours!

If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd look for would be a house where we could each have our own space. Perhaps a wing each with a shared bit in the middle! I daydream about this a lot!

BUT I do start to miss the silly old fart him after about 5 days. Did you miss your DH at all?

StuntGirl Wed 17-Jul-13 16:00:35

Tending to? Is he a plant?

Its normal to enjoy the space when they go away. Not normal to fight all the time. The first one isn't a cause for concern. The second one is.

MalcolmTuckersMum Wed 17-Jul-13 16:02:00

Mine's away this week - due back tomorrow and I'm a bit biscuit about that really. Have enormously enjoyed the peace and quiet, having friends round for a bbq and a beer without him either playing his Galloping Gourmet role or his stock alternative of Victor Meldrew! I think it's very healthy. When you've got a problem is when the idea of your DH being away for a week makes you break out in anxiety.

exexpat Wed 17-Jul-13 16:03:34

Normal to enjoy a bit of time to yourself, but how do you feel about him coming back - are you looking forward to seeing him, or are you dreading having him back? That should give you more of an indication of the state of your relationship (the other stuff doesn't sound good to me either).

It's one thing to enjoy some space, it's another thing to be so happy that you're singing in the shower and loving every second he's away.

What would happen if you stopped attending to his needs so much?

JamEyelid Wed 17-Jul-13 16:07:05

DP goes away quite often for work at the moment and I enjoy the time away. It's good to miss him and look forward to his return.

He went away for a month recently and that definitely was too long for me but a week or two is fine.

I love having the whole bed to myself and not hearing any snoring grin

I go through phases when I'm happy and relaxed when DH is absent of a night (when he is on call) and times when I miss him (and his extra pair of hands with the kids) greatly. Both are quite normal.

Can you explain a bit more, OP, why you felt so relaxed without your DH around? As previous posters have asked, do you not do the things you describe in your OP when he's there, and if not, why not? And what do you mean by tending to? He's an adult is he not?

diddl Wed 17-Jul-13 16:11:22

Husband went away this morning for two weeks.

The novelty of being without him will soon wear off.

CalamityKate Wed 17-Jul-13 16:19:00

Me and DH have been together nearly 14 years. Get along fine, very rarely argue. Can both do our own thing without worrying about the reaction of the other.

But I love it if he goes away for the odd few days for work. Love it. Every minute of it. Because I know he's coming home.

If he left properly I'd be devastated.

2rebecca Wed 17-Jul-13 16:21:42

I love it when my husband is away for a while. I'd miss him terribly if I knew it was for good though.

2rebecca Wed 17-Jul-13 16:23:07

Your husband sounds like hard work though, I couldn't face having to do regular counselling sessions at home. Your partner should enhance your life not make it worse.

EatingAllTheCrumpets Wed 17-Jul-13 16:30:00

Crikey I'm doomed then grin

DH works a late shift every other week, so I don't see him at all. I love it! I get to eat whatever I fancy and not have to make sure he likes/wants it. I get to watch all my programmes he hates, read without interruption, go to the pub with friends without feeling like I'm missing out on time with him, have a coffee with my mum and again not worry about missing out in couple time. I get to do my nails without him moaning about the smell, I can take as long in the bath as I want without him needing me to hurry up as he needs the loo.

He also goes away on a lads holiday every Easter and again in October. And I think it's great. I make sure I also go away on a girls holiday or a weekend break with my mum.

It gives me chance to miss him, to appreciate how much he does and just generally be happy we are together.

However if you feel you cannot be happy around him then there are issues. Talking about splitting up is a bit harsh and after 7 years unless there is EA or DV etc then you shouldn't be throwing the towel in yet. Have a chat with him and make him aware he needs to be less needy and try and make time to do fun things as a couple and a family

I love my husband and I love when he goes away for a week or two. I love having my own space for a bit.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 17-Jul-13 16:41:43

Who the fuck are all you people 'skipping around the house' ? grin

DfanjoUnchained Wed 17-Jul-13 16:42:26

Op, he sounds quite high maintenance. Maybe discuss this with him on his arrival

thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 18:14:37

Well it's usually ok between us but communication does break down completely at least once a week! Hes home now and I am happy to see him, so possibly completely normal as a lot of you are saying. We have been having a stressful time recently, so that could be part of it!

Fraxinus Wed 17-Jul-13 18:44:44

It is a message that you need to do your own thing a bit more. That's all. Does he spend any time in sole charge of dc while you go off and do a hobby/ course?

thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 18:57:05

Yes he does, I guess I just feel more myself and less constrained when I'm alone.

GrimmaTheNome Wed 17-Jul-13 19:01:58

> I just feel more myself and less constrained

hmm... that sounds like something you should think about. Sure, we all adapt somewhat to other people being around, but you have a right to 'be yourself'.

thebody Wed 17-Jul-13 19:10:11

I love my dh to bits but equally enjoy time he is away.

love not having to talk on the evenings and be able to read/ mumsnet and no bloody top gear or monster trucks.

still 6 months in OZ was a trial. 😃

PoppyWearer Wed 17-Jul-13 19:13:18

I enjoy it when DH is away, but like it when he comes back too.

It's normal to enjoy time away from each other in an established relationship, IMO/IME. But you should want to see each other and look forward to that once the time is up.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Wed 17-Jul-13 19:23:35

I love it when DH goes away. I let the cat sleep on the bed, eat things he doesn't like, get up early on weekend mornings and don't have to be quiet, all those things that were fair compromises when he moved in (he compromised on other stuff) but that I miss about living alone.

But, I'm always pleased to see him when he comes home. My mum feels the same about my stepdad, and they've been happily married for 20 years.

Is there an end in sight to the things that are causing you stress? Can you tackle those together?

froubylou Wed 17-Jul-13 19:28:45

I love it when my DP has to work away. I love the peace and quiet in the evenings, and having something 'girly' like jacket potato or pasta for tea with DD. Love having the bed to myself and love the peace and quiet at 3am with no snoring/snuffling/going for a wee/blowing his nose loudly etc etc etc.

BUT when he was in hospital for 2 weeks the other year I missed him desperatly. 4 nights for work is fine. 10 nights for work would be fine too I think though we haven't tested that theory yet.

I adore him and love spending time with him. But he's a loud, noisey bugger who channel surfs and eats biscuits in bed. And I like peace and quiet sometimes.

He's not even quiet when he's asleep lol.

Its normal to enjoy some time away. And be more relaxed I think. But its not normal to have an 'upsetting' row every week. Me and DP been together for 7 years. We have had 3 shit hit the fan rows in that time. I couldn't cope with them every week. No wonder you are skipping and singing if you have that sort of upset once a week.

lordleofric Wed 17-Jul-13 19:31:22

We used to live overseas. I moved back to UK first, leaving DH and 3 DCs behind. I loved it.
We're all back together now. [shrug]

DfanjoUnchained Wed 17-Jul-13 19:43:55

I love how tidy my house stays while H is away

thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 20:09:33

E.g. I posted the above during dinner and he got upset and said I'd spent half the dinner on the phone and got upset... Just now I said I was going to make a couple of phone calls while he did bath time and he said... 'I'm not impressed' that kind of thing.

Bowlersarm Wed 17-Jul-13 20:12:13

He sounds like hard work sad

LittleBearPad Wed 17-Jul-13 20:12:58

'Im not impressed'??

What did he think you should be ping whilst he did bath time?

LittleBearPad Wed 17-Jul-13 20:13:13

Ping. Doing!!

Euphemia Wed 17-Jul-13 20:16:22

something 'girly' like jacket potato or pasta for tea

What does DH like for tea, woolly mammoth steak? hmm

Euphemia Wed 17-Jul-13 20:17:16

I wouldn't be impressed with anyone pissing about on their phone during dinner.

ithaka Wed 17-Jul-13 20:24:19

I would be annoyed if my DH was on his phone/tablet during dinner - it is rude and sets a bad example to the children.

However, I do miss DH terribly when he goes away - which isn't often. In the words of the song - the beds too big without him. I don't sleep nearly as well by myself and love it when he is back so we can settle happily into our natural sleeping positions - we have been together over 20 years.

I also miss his support and being there and well - just him really.

froubylou Wed 17-Jul-13 20:48:41

Lol. Not woolly mammoth no. Just something more substantial than jacket potatoes with cheese. He's a builer, does 12/14 hours of hard graft and is starving when he gets home.

Hes quite happy to have a jacket potato as the carbs part of a meal. He just would like it with some protein and veg or salad to go with it. Not just a dollop of coleslaw or handful of cheese.

Typical meat and 2 veg kinda guy.

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