To be upset by this.

(69 Posts)
mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 10:17:13

Ok, so I know I probably am, but its a raw subject so please be gentle on me.

We lost our first son 4 years ago, due a birth accident at a home birth. It was as you can imagine the most horrendous experience of my entire life. However I had no idea how the pain could be magnified as the years went by, largely due to unexpected encounters or thoughtlessness by other people.

Just under a year later I gave birth to my second son and in a lot of peoples eyes I should then have been "better". Obviously he gave us joy and hope that we never thought we would feel again, but no matter what happens, our first son is and will always be a huge part of our lives.

Slightly later that month, in the week between ds1 birthday and anniversary of death, my Brother in law's (Hubby's sisters husband), brother and wife had a baby at home and they called him the same, fairly unusual name, as our DS. We were not told this until about 6 months later as everyone knew that it would cause upset. Its not that I feel like I own the name, but more that my neice and nephew has a cousin called that and they now have another one, who is alive and will therefore be far more dominant in their conciousness as the person with that name.

I made it very clear as did my DH that we found this not only extraordinarily cruel but that we really didn't want to be around them. Apparently they said that they didnt think that they would ever see us anyway so couldn't see the problem.

Fast forward 3 years and we have largely avoided any mention of the. However it is our nephews birthday soon and we have just been told that they are going to come.

My first reaction is that with every part of my body that I do not want to go, that I have nothing to say to them that isn't unpleasant, and tbh I dont want to cause a scene (and I'm not sure i will be able to control myself). However DS2 is really looking forward to the party and it seems really unfair to stop him from going because of this.

I would send my dh with ds2 and dd but frankly, I don't want them to go without me.

Please be gentle. Am I being totally unreasonable? WWYD?

Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby.

However, in the most gentle way, YABU. It is your BIL's brother and his wife who named their baby the same.......they are quite far removed from you in terms of closeness etc, they probably didn't give it a thought. I don't even know my BIL's siblings let alone what their children are called.

I can see though how raw, hurtful this would be for you but yes I do think you are being unreasonable. I don't think your BILs bro called their baby the same name to be cruel and I think if you can find a way to go to the party it may be good for you.

I haven't walked in your shoes though, so maybe I am wrong.

Groovee Wed 17-Jul-13 10:22:56

I can understand why you feel the way you do and why you want to avoid seeing them. I would be the same.

I'm not sure what the solution can be.

Skintorama Wed 17-Jul-13 10:23:46

Oh gosh. I am so very sorry for your loss, and your feelings are entirely your own.

But really, your husband's sister's husband's brother? They are barely related to you, and honestly I can't imagine they thought it would be any kind of problem, it's such a tenuous familial link.

You are being v v unreasonable, but I can understand why it is so hard for you. I am really trying to be gentle about this, but you need to let it go.

They didn't use the name to be cruel, they used it because it was the name they chose.

badguider Wed 17-Jul-13 10:27:19

You're not unreasonable to be upset as it's obviously magnifying the grief you naturally feel.
but i do see their point too, i have one BIL and i know he has a sister but i am not even sure what her child is called... it is quite a distant relationship and i am sure that your BILs children can easily deal with separating the memory of your ds from their living cousin - children are very used to knowing multiple other children with the same name.

But, practically you have three choices:
- all go and be nice
- let dh and dh go without you
- none of you go

the first option will be hard for you but will be lovely for your ds. the second option might be easier for you? the third will penalise your ds... you need to chose between these outcomes.

Tweasels Wed 17-Jul-13 10:28:09

Ah, love, you are being a bit unreasonable but totally understandably so.

I cannot fathom why they had to use your son's name. Even if they loved it, they should have asked first. I feel that they were very in the wrong.

However, it's not their son's fault and it's not fair to deny your son an opportunity to meet his cousin.

I think if you don't feel able to be pleasant then don't go. It's not fair on anyone and you're putting yourself through unnecessary unhappiness.

I'm sorry for your loss flowers

Bowlersarm Wed 17-Jul-13 10:28:26

I sort of agree with crusty in that they feel that they are not close enough to you to think that it would matter. You may see it as hurtful and thoughtless, but they probably haven't thought about it much at all. Is it a top 50 name? Or more unusual than that?

Treague Wed 17-Jul-13 10:29:05

I think you could reasonably choose this time not to attend, and allow others to attend without you.

It's quite possible that it won't always be this bad, but it's too early at the moment.

FWIW I don't think the brothers and sisters of my SIL are people I'd consider as cruel in this scenario: but every family is set up slightly differently. I have met them but have no bond to them, maybe it's different for you?

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 10:30:02

Thank you for being gentle. I guess it's just the timing of it all. My Neice as Ds1 were born 3 weeks apart, and should have been so close as cousins. Instead he died, and I have to watch her growing up (which is painful in its own right) but with a cousin practically on my ds birthday with the same name.

I know it's a tenuous family link, but somehow it just still cuts me to the quick. I have only met 1 other child with his name and it really knocks me.

But I know that it's not going to go away.

Should I go? Or should I let DH take ds?

Bowlersarm Wed 17-Jul-13 10:31:16

Tweasels it's not the op's DS cousin, they're not even related, if I've understood the post correctly.

GladbagsGold Wed 17-Jul-13 10:31:54

I am so sorry for your loss. YANBU to feel upset. BUT a name is just a collection of letters in a certain order. The loss of your lovely son wouldn't be any easier to bear if no one in the world had his name, or if everyone in the world had his name.

I would go, and I'd chat to DS2 and DD beforehand about people who will be there, including 3 year old 'Same-name', and isn't it sad that their big brother 'Same-name' won't be there too but he will be smiling down on you having fun at the party.

Much love.

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 10:32:29

No it's not ds actual cousin. It's the cousins birthday and they will have the cousin from he other side attending.
Name not even in the top 100. Never has been.

Chocotrekkie Wed 17-Jul-13 10:32:31

I think I would all go as you are going to have to face them and that child at some point.

Your neice/nephew are going to have many events their lives growing up that their whole family is going to be at - birthdays/religious events/weddings/graduations etc etc.

Yes missing this party would be ok but what about next year etc.

I would try to talk to them first at the beginning of the party or maybe even meet up with them beforehand. Just explain (as calmly as possible ) how upset you both still are that they have used your ds's name for their child and how much it still hurts. If they can be aware of this then they should be more sensitive about it.

I can see both points of view tbh - I personally wouldn't have used the name but you are only very loosely related and the name may have real significance for them.

I am so sorry for your loss.

josiejay Wed 17-Jul-13 10:33:57

If you think you won't be able to control yourself then I think you shouldn't go. If you ended up 'causing a scene' it would be very upsetting for all concerned, including you.

I think you should let your DH take DS and you spend the day doing something nice.

So sorry for your loss, OP x

Bowlersarm Wed 17-Jul-13 10:34:27

OP-have you met them before all this happened, and did you like them?

I think you should only go if you won't be feeling sad and resentful. Although you probably don't know how you will feel until you are actually there. (Trying to be helpful, but it's a difficult one!)

Skintorama Wed 17-Jul-13 10:35:30

I named my DS2 the same (family) name as my brother who was stillborn 22 years ago.

I did this with my parents complete support and blessing. It was odd for a few weeks, even so. Slightly easier on everyone because it's the same name as both my Grandads, but no one in the family had used it since my brother died.

The more we used the name, the easier it became on everybody. A friend of mine who lost her baby DD has said that every time she hears her DD's name used for another child it gets easier and easier to bear.

What I'm (probably clumsily) trying to get across is that meeting this child and sort of getting used to the name being his name as well, might make it all a bit easier? That these feeling of anger at the parents might lessen and you won't feel that they were cruel?

I think you should go. But be kind to yourself, and be prepared to leave if it isn't working for you. No one can tell you how to grieve.

MmeLindor Wed 17-Jul-13 10:35:53

What a horrible dilemma.

You are not being at all unreasonable to be upset by this, but at the same time, I have just realised that I don't even know the name that my BIL's sister gave her child.

Unless the families are very close, it would be unusual to do so.

I do think that they were insensitive at giving their child the same name as your DS1.

Would it be easier for you if you were to send DS2 with your DH?

combinearvester Wed 17-Jul-13 10:36:40

Let DH take DS. Bollocks to them. I wouldn't have chosen your baby's name if I were them, especially as it is not a common one. The way you are feeling is totally understandable and human. You are the people who have suffered this terrible loss and people who know you should be doing everything in their power to help you alleviate this pain.

I lost a baby in the second trimester and had two relatives whose babies were due at the same time (relatives I hardly ever see). I know it sounds awful but I do sometimes feel in pain and quite sick when I hear about them starting school etc. I genuinely don't really want to hear about them.

RaisingChaotic Wed 17-Jul-13 10:39:58

Sweetheart, I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. However, I doubt that BIL's DB and his wife meant to hurt you. They probably already had the name chosen before you gave birth and the link is so tenuous that it's doubtful that they even knew that the name they gave their child was the same as the your DS1's.

If I was you I'd let DH take DS2 and DD and you stay behind if you feel it's going to be too painful for you.

Corygal Wed 17-Jul-13 10:44:03

You are being unreasonable, but if you are so would most people be. It must hurt like hell.

Look at it another way - would it help at all, even a tiny bit, to go to the party? How about going to the party with a preset leaving time, say 30 minutes for you? Claim another appt. If it goes ok you can stay, if not you know you're out of there.

Your feelings are your feelings so you have every right to be upset but your husbands brother in laws brother is such a distant relation that I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 17-Jul-13 10:47:13

I do think they could have avoided using the same name as your lovely DS. I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to avoid these people as they have caused you pain. However, it's possible they had their hearts set on this name, and I am sure they didn't deliberately set out to cause you pain. It's a difficult situation. It sounds to me like it would be easier for you to not go.

Whether your DH goes with your DD and DS2 is a different thing. DS2 is still little enough to be brought somewhere else as a treat and not feel he is missing out too much. What does your DH say?

Tweasels Wed 17-Jul-13 10:56:18

Oh, sorry for misunderstanding, I mis read and thought it was your BIL who had used the name.

Oh Moontime, sadly I think they have done nothing wrong. I think maybe it's time to try and forgive them. They would probably be devastated to know you feel this way.

You should only go if you can put on a good show and hide your feelings. If you don't feel you can do this, let DH go and you should spend the day doing something lovely xx

Tweasels Wed 17-Jul-13 10:57:39

Sorry Mootime (I'm having a dysfunctional keyboard day!)

springytoto Wed 17-Jul-13 11:12:24

I don't think you're being U at all. It was grossly tactless of them to use the same name. I don't care if they had the name ready from when they were kids, it was tactless to use it, regardless how far removed they may be from you and your family. Everyone knew it would upset you, which is why they took 6 months to tell you. The parents in question would have known. some people are staggeringly ignorant imo.

go if you want to rip their heads off (I'd back you on that) but if that may not be an option, let DH take them. Don't go yourself. I don't believe meeting the child will help you - it's not as if he was given that name purely by chance.

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

AlexMcLitty Wed 17-Jul-13 11:25:44

You are being U but can totally understand why if that makes sense. I am so sorry for the loss of your son x

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 11:42:35

Thank you.
Just to clarify, their son was born a year after mine and they did know about the death of ours. It was also mentioned that the name was quite important to us ( it was my lovely GD name who died while I was pregnant) I'd always know that my first son would have that name as I loved my GD so much. Apparently the only two names they liked were the names of babies who had died hmm and they saw the other people more often. I have met them before and they are a bit odd, but they clearly did this knowing that it would cause upset which also adds to the difficulty.

I think that I will go and just try and remain calm. I have a freind who lives nearby and so I've just sent her a message asking if I could meet her for a coffee. That way I have an excuse to leave for the majority of it.

I do know that it must sound a bit mental, but its odd how something just really bring out the grief and anger of the earlier days, and this is one of them. Maybe it will help in a small way to get the first meeting over with.

springytoto Wed 17-Jul-13 11:50:54

I really, really wouldn't go. You can't guarantee they are not going to add insult to injury - they are ignorant enough. I wouldn't put it past them to initiate defending their decision.

I'm a bit confused about GD - what is GD? Grandad?

Mama1980 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:00:09

I'm so sorry for your loss.
In the gentlest way you are being a little unreasonable but no one blames you for that nor can they tell you how to grieve but maybe it would help you to go? If not I would send you dh and ds2 and do something nice for yourself that day.
Again im so sorry for the loss of your boy xxx

GingerJulep Wed 17-Jul-13 12:26:48

OP, as others have said this isn't really about your late DS. It is just a name. A few letters making a word that allows us to distinguish who we are talking to.

And if it was about your late DS, well, you did exactly the same thing in naming him after you GD and I assume nobody in your family thought that was in anyway a problem.

I think the 'coffee with friend' idea is great and should allow you to 'do the right thing' wrt family/DS2 enjoying the party but also remove some of the pressure.

I currently have an issue with what to call my bump as the two names OH and I liked are 'taken' (one by a relative, one by a close family friend) which I'd be prepared to ignore - but OH is keen to avoid conflict. So, it maybe he'd have given you a different view on your original question too!

Good luck

springytoto Wed 17-Jul-13 12:37:07

Perhaps you could ask people in SANDS what they think mootime . I'm wondering if it's only people who have lost a child who can get how you feel about this. (I haven't but my twin lost her baby soon after birth.)

My twin also had the name-nicking thing, but her BIL/SIL took the name of the subsequent child only weeks before she was born (they were expecting at the same time). It caused incredible hurt for my sister. There is no way in a million years she would have been able to bear the name of the son she lost being given to another child in the family.

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 12:57:01

Thanks Springtoto.
I know that the people on SANDs will say to do what I feel able. If I'm honest the reason I asked here is to gauge the reaction from people who hasn't lost a child largely. I am aware that I'm often looked at as though I should be over it by now and MN is quite good to gauge if I'm being semi rational or just plain mental!

I think it's very different to name a child after a Grandparent who had a long, fulfilled life. In fact he knew that our son was going to have his name and was really thrilled. All of my hope and dreams for my son died with him and the name wasn't given to honor or in memory of him. It was simply given ignoring him. Maybe that's why hurts the most.

Oh moo I'm so sorry for your loss. Having read your last update I'm now swinging to yanbu. If they knew how much the name meant and they had no personal connection with it (like one of their relatives) then that is a crass thing to do. However I feel your anger may be a little misguided, and should firmly be at your SIL and husbands feet. Surely SIL will have been saddened by the loss of her nephew so you would have thought she may have respectfully asked them not to use that name unless there was another connection to it, which to me makes it seem more crass but then SIL was party to not telling you either.

I know you've said you are thinking of going but I would honestly question how you are going to feel when you hear that child being called by your ds's name. If it is going to cause that much hurt then don't go. Your DH needs to ask that question of himself too. I get that people say its for the niece and nephew but I can't see how having an aunt and uncle at a party devastated will be any goof for them either.

catus Wed 17-Jul-13 13:56:41

Yanbu. From your updates, they knew they would cause you hurt and sadness (to put it mildly) so I really think they should have chosen another name. My advice is don't go to that party, don't add to the hurt you're already feeling. As for your DH and child, I don't know. Talk with Dh, see what you both think. I'm so sorry for your loss.

valiumredhead Wed 17-Jul-13 15:06:53

What a shitty situationsad xxx

SuperStrength Wed 17-Jul-13 15:09:12

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think the anger you feel over your sons death is mis-directed at this family.
Although you are suffering the most unbelievable pain through your grief, you are also causing pain to another family.
In years to come, maybe 10, it might be nice to come across a child who shares a name with your son. I believe the dead are alive to us through our memories of them. Life events that remind us of loved ones who have died, once grieving is less painful, are good things. They live again for a few minutes through our thoughts of them.
What happened to you is terrible, but you have no right to be unkind to them in anyway. You will upset the parents & possibly the child. Think of the harm you could do. Your pain will not be lessened by taking it out on them. For their sake, you shouldn't go.

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 15:11:57

Superstrength. How have I been unkind to them?

SuperStrength Wed 17-Jul-13 15:14:23

You said

I have nothing to say to them that isn't unpleasant

Noideaatall Wed 17-Jul-13 15:15:43

4 years is no time at all, I know just how you feel as similar happened to me 11 years ago & things still set me off now. Do whatever you need to that will help you. I think they were really U to use the name tbh. maybe dh & ds2 could go? but only if you feel ok about it - what if ds2 comes home talking about the child with the name? might be v painful.

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 15:21:31

But I've not said anything to them so I've not been unkind. I'm trying to decide what to do that is best for me and my family. To be honest, they have apparently shown no understanding of the pain that they have caused us, and are presumably unaware that they have been kept away from us to this point. I really don't think that I am bring unkind to them at all. If I go it will be with a brave face through the pain (something you get used to in these circumstances). I wouldn't risk going if I really thought that I couldn't control myself.

I also believe that the dead live through our memories of them and we keep our ds very much part of our family.
However I doubt that meeting the boy in question will at any point remind be pleasant, as it will remind me of their (at the very least) unthinking behaviour).

I was actually thinking that I may not go, but not for them, simply because this time, with the grief added to pregnancy hormones it might just upset me further.

maja00 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:29:08

I think you should avoid the party if it will be difficult for you.

However, these people are barely related to you. I don't even know the names of my cousins' other cousins. They probably thought (rightly) that they would almost never see you so the name wouldn't be an issue.

Kat101 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:32:18

Lower your expectations of them understanding. Some people naturally have more empathy than others and it sounds like they are very unaware of the impact of infant loss on parents. They just don't get it, and that's probably not unreasonable. I didn't get it before either, I would've ignorantly assumed that it was a nice memorial.

Go for 10 minutes, then leave for your friend plus coffee. You can't change them. But you sound strong, and facing up to it might help you to put it to bed a little.

springytoto Wed 17-Jul-13 23:05:40

I really can't agree with anything you've said superstrength . You're making the OP out to be the unreasonable one here when that really isn't the case and is far from the truth.

I am just so concerned about you going to this party, moo . I really don't think you're ready. You may never be ready - but why put yourself in this position? What for? It's only one party, just leave it. If ds wants to go, can he go with another family member? DH may also find it too difficult to go and meet these awful people.

What concerns me is not just that you feel very vulnerable but that these people are ignorant. I am very concerned they will say something stupid, or behave in a way that is just unbearable for you.

I have a friend whose son would now be 35 if he'd lived. There are some situations she still can't face. I really do think that's ok. Our culture is full of 'move on' and 'let it go'. There are some things you can never 'let go' and shouldn't be expected to imo. It is unreasonable to expect a beginning, a middle and an end to some things, as if there is 'closure' of some sort at some stage. imo on some level there is never 'closure' about something like this. I'm not talking about being stuck in grief but that some pain never goes and it's inhuman to expect to 'put it behind you'.

I also couldn't give a monkeys what people think of you and how you are managing your grief. What's it got to do with anybody else? This is your grief, your journey. If people generally don't understand then that's too bad on them. It's nobody's business but yours.

Please don't expose yourself to this awful couple. I can't see the good in it or what it would achieve.

Bumpotato Wed 17-Jul-13 23:46:41

What they did was cunty. If it will ruin your day and bring back all the hurt being in the same vicinity as them, don't go.

Sorry for your loss.

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 18-Jul-13 03:47:46

This is really hard.

What you have been through is awful and this was a bad reminder of that.

But really, these people are certainly not close family and maybe only <just> extended family, and they're not close enough to you to have factored you in - or to have been duty bound to factor you in - to their decision-making about baby names. And clearly they didn't factor you in.

Having said that, I don't think I can say "Just grin and bear it, you'll be fine". You may well not be fine, and YANBU not to be fine.

So I think you're within your rights not to go. If there is another way of getting DS2 there then go for it, but if I were in your position I wouldn't put myself through it.

BaldHedgehog Thu 18-Jul-13 04:06:05

Brother in law's (Hubby's sisters husband), brother and wife had a baby at home and they called him the same, fairly unusual name, as our DS.We were not told this until about 6 months later as everyone knew that it would cause upset

Apparently the only two names they liked were the names of babies who had died

I made it very clear as did my DH that we found this not only extraordinarily cruel but that we really didn't want to be around them. Apparently they said that they didnt think that they would ever see us anyway so couldn't see the problem

YANBU OP.^^let them not see you then,nor your family.Name is the name but the circumstances here (unusual name and timing).Cruel,thoughtless and tactless people.

BaldHedgehog Thu 18-Jul-13 04:07:18

And sorry for your loss sad flowers

MaMattoo Thu 18-Jul-13 05:15:37

Sorry for your takes a long time. What shocks me is that you are the third person I now know who has had this happen. And I can't understand how people can be so insensitive.
A close friend of mine went through the same thing. Though it hurts her to call out another child by the name of her first born, who is no longer with us, she has chosen to embrace the child yet she has not forgiven the parents for choosing the same name..and she never will.
It also happened to my mum.

YANBU at all. It hurts as I have seen closely, don't go. You don't have to. Let your other half go with your little one. Why our yourself through, perhaps the pain won't be as sharp some years from now, but three years is too little time..go easy on yourself!
Take care!!

littlewhitebag Thu 18-Jul-13 06:36:29

I also have lost a child. When a friend had a baby a few years later and called her the same name I was thrilled that she also liked the name as much as I did. I actually fail to understand why this name thing is an issue. Be glad there is another baby xyz carrying your special name into the future.

whois Thu 18-Jul-13 08:41:39

They have done nothing wrong, it's such a distant connection that it shouldn't impact on you and unfortunately you don't own the name.

However it's not U to be upset, as long as you recognise that it's your problem.

springytoto Thu 18-Jul-13 08:44:54

I'm so sorry for your loss, little

Some people don't mind it but some people really do mind it and that's ok too imo.

You don't mind it, are blessed by it - but it was a friend who chose your baby's name and it looks like it was done in the 'right' spirit? In OP's case, it wasn't a friend and it wasn't done in the right spirit.

I think that if these people are ignorant on the day - which is highly likely imo - it has the potential to ruin more than just your 'day' OP.

tiggytape Thu 18-Jul-13 08:58:52

I agree - I don't think you have to be rational when it comes to grief and the things that trigger it. If the situation hurts you, and since they are not really close family, then don't go.

Would it be possible maybe for you and DH to have the day together and your MIL or member of DH's family to take DS for you?

tiggytape Thu 18-Jul-13 09:02:03

Not saying you are irrational BTW - just that you don't have to justify your feelings to other people. If something hurts you, it hurts you whether other people think it should or not. And when you've been through such a terrible loss, why should you have to do anything that adds to that?

QOD Thu 18-Jul-13 09:02:56

I am so sorry, it must hurt an awful lot, but Yabu a bit, but still have my sympathies

My dds second middle name is the name of my cousin who died, I didn't ask permission but I did tell my gran to to her sister that it was so, and that it actually was after her as her death aged 2 (when I was 11) had upset me so much, and I'd always wanted to name a child after her. I genuinely hope I didn't upset them like these people have upset you. Ugh. Awful feeling.

mootime Thu 18-Jul-13 09:14:20

I can see that it might sound odd to have such an attachment to the name, but it was such a sentimental choice. It's also that the timing of it was so bad.

My Neice who was born just before DS1 would have been so close to him, it also just feels odd for her to have another cousin with such an unusual nickname.

I've decided that if my friend is about for a coffee, I will go briefly and then visit her. If not I'll let DH take ds and dd and I will put my feet up in the sun with a book. Something I never get a chance to do!

Thanks for all the advice. It's nice to see that not everyone thinks I'm being totally unreasonable.

I'm also sorry or the others who have lot children (sorry, on phone and can't scroll to get names). I know through various people I've met that we all deal differently with loss and different things trigger grief at different times.

mootime Thu 18-Jul-13 09:14:55

Name not nickname...

Tailtwister Thu 18-Jul-13 09:18:08

I can understand why you are very upset. I can't believe they used your son's name and they must have known you would be upset since you weren't told for 6 months.

I simply wouldn't go and if anyone asks I would be honest. Nobody with any compassion would find a good reason why you shouldn't find what they did upsetting.

I totally understand how you are feeling.

I have lost my son and daughter and I know how I would feel in your shoes. In fact I went as far as avoiding any baby that was born around the same time as my children for a very long time.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, you feel hurt, you feel you don't want to be near them, and I think you should avoid the party as it will bring you pain.

They weren't being unreasonable using the name either though, it wouldn't really cross my mind to discount a name I liked based on a very distant relation tbh.

You have to try and remember, you are, obviously, really close to the situation, your beautiful son is part of your daily thoughts, and rightly so.

Without wanting too sound harsh, to them, your son would be a conversation and they would have been concentrating on their own lives at that point. Honestly, I gave my ds the same name as my best friend of 10 years brother without even equating the two, because, to me, thats my sons name.

I also think that when your child dies and there is noone to blame you need to find something 'real' to be angry at. For me, when my son died, it was his father, he never once bothered with him and every bad, horrible and negative thought I had was poured into hating him, because he was a real thing I could be angry at. When my daughter died I poured my energies into complaining about a receptionist who phoned asking why I hadn't registered her at the doctors, she was stupidly insensitive and I really went to town with my complaint because, again, it was something real I could pour my anger into.

This situation might well be your actual, tangible thing to be angry at, and thats ok.

4 years on after losing your precious boy is no time at all. The path we are on lasts a lifetime sadly so work through your feelings at your own pace.

Take care thanks

springytoto Thu 18-Jul-13 09:27:58

oh Missy! <3

Ezio Thu 18-Jul-13 09:41:20

My sister lost her 11 month old son when i was 5 months pregnant, if DD was a boy, i did consider asking my sister if i could give my DN name as a middle name, if she hated the idea, i wouldnt have done it.

I know its only a name, but when it comes to losing a child, that heartbreak never goes away.

OP i wouldnt go, i would imagine, it being very painful hearing that child being called.

ZingWidge Thu 18-Jul-13 16:34:14

so sorry to hear about your loss.thanks

avoid them if you need to.

Stokes Thu 18-Jul-13 17:30:19

At first I thought they weren't unreasonable to use the name - they sound so distant when you describe your relationship. And yet, I know my husband's brother's wife's family, I see them at parties for the niece and nephews we share. They're nice people, I know their children, I enjoy their company. If I were to have a baby I may consider using the same name as one of their children as it would so rarely be an issue. But of one of them had lost a baby there's no way on earth I'd add to their pain by using the same name.

It may be hard to avoid this child forever. So if you can face going briefly to the party, it may help you onto that road. but if you can't face it yet, that's perfectly OK. Would your BIL and SIL be happy for you top just drop your son off so he can enjoy the party?

Footface Thu 18-Jul-13 20:30:29

Op, I am really sorry for your loss. I think they are very selfish and cruel to use the same name.

It was obvious that your paths would cross at some point so it seems beyond belief that they would choose the same name. Particularly an unusual name as well

Actually thinking about I'd be fuming! Not sure i would go if I was you. But you have don't nothing wrong. They on the other hand should feel ashamed

eccentrica Thu 18-Jul-13 21:45:59

I am so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't worry about your DS going either. yanbu.

mootime Sun 21-Jul-13 08:09:21

Ok. So today is the party. I've decided that I'm not ready. DH taking dc's which is a big step for me anyway.
Thanks for all the support and advice.

Samu2 Sun 21-Jul-13 08:18:19

Wow, I think what they did was disgusting. I wouldn't want to see them again ever.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I think you have made the right decision not to go today.

ZingWidge Sun 21-Jul-13 08:29:09


good decision. If you are not ready, you are not ready. (hug)

I hope you'll have a nice day - have you got a plan of what you're going to do?

mootime Sun 21-Jul-13 08:31:15

Thanks. I'm going to some tidying (we have the builders in) and then I'm going to do my nails and curl up with a book, hopefully in the sun if it returns today.
I'm pregnant and exhausted so it'll do me the world of good.

Awomansworth Sun 21-Jul-13 08:42:54

I really don't think YABU... I've been in a similar situation and would never have chosen to use a name that would have upset someone I knew regardless of how much I liked it. Very insensitive and selfish.

Surely they must have known the impact it would have on you.

Have a nice day for yourself an I hope the sun comes out for you.

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