To object to my 3 year old being put on the spot

(28 Posts)
Ticklemonster2 Mon 15-Jul-13 13:16:02

Just posting a quick query as found mumsnet advice useful in the past.
My parents in law are very pushy/manipulative and want to be in our lives constantly. My Dh and I have drawn boundaries over the past few years to keep our marriage healthy.
I posted recently about some strange things my son has said his grandparents have said to him (when alone with him). Hence not keen to leave him unsupervised with them.
Anyway, recently they have started putting my son on the spot by asking him if he wants to come and see them (despite us visiting 3 times this week and declining the offer due to wanting our own space). They have also been telling our son to tell us when he wants to see them and we will deliver him to them.
It feels uncomfortable and I can see it put pressure on ds. Am I wrong to feel they are using him to manipulate us?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 15-Jul-13 13:19:34

Well of course they are,but if you and your dh have made the decision to not have him with them unsupervised then each time they do this you both need to tell them clearly that. No it will not be happening.

SaucyJack Mon 15-Jul-13 13:23:45

YANBU, but I would not imagine this is a particularly unusual problem where pushy entitled grandparents are concerned.

My own father does a similar thing where he'll offer the DD's a treat he knows I won't approve of behind my back, then gets them to ask me.

Then chucks a benny when I invariably say no.

NellysKnickers Mon 15-Jul-13 13:25:32

Maybe its their way of letting him know they are there for him. Sorry, haven't seen your other thread. My dcs grandparents are constantly in their lives, sometimes its a bit suffocating but I just get on with it as a dcs bond with grandparents is a very special one. Dc1 chose camping in his grandads garden this weekend over a party with his mates. But again you need to link to other thread because at the moment it looks like YABU. Sorry.

DeWe Mon 15-Jul-13 13:26:12

I would say to them something along the lines of:
"Please don't ask him if he wants to come round now, or tell him we will be able to bring him round if he asks, because sometimes we are doing something where that can't happen (eg bedtime!), and if you have given the impression that he only has to say and it will happen, he will stop believing what you say."

xylem8 Mon 15-Jul-13 13:28:10

have I got this right?
They are
1) asking him if he would like to visit them
2) saying tell your parents if you want to come for a visit?

If so YABU, precious and a bit barmy

Ticklemonster2 Mon 15-Jul-13 13:32:03

Xylem8, perhaps check an earlier post about MILs previous behaviour and you might see where I'm coming from. This woman previously assaulted me and almost destroyed my marriage...not barmy...but once bitten twice shy!!

Blissx Mon 15-Jul-13 13:37:10

Ticklemonster2 that is a bit harsh on xylem8. You can't expect everyone on Mumsnet to read all your previous threads before posting, so your tone was a BU just now. Not sure what advice you want really as you can either confront your PIL and try and resolve it or ignore it. Only you can answer that one.

Ticklemonster2 Mon 15-Jul-13 13:44:34

I don't. Tried to link but see its failed. However, if I was going to call someone barmy I probably would have looked at old posts first to be fair.

Sirzy Mon 15-Jul-13 13:45:43

People can only go off what has been posted here and from your OP I am with xylem.

If you are daft enough to allow any contact after someone has assaulted you then that's your choice!

Sirzy Mon 15-Jul-13 13:46:29

So you expect people to read all previous posts by someone before responding to them? I think that classes as a barmy idea!

DeWe Mon 15-Jul-13 13:48:52

Well xylem, I don't know about your dc, but if mine had got the impression that they only had to say and they would be taken to grandparents (or others) then they would use it in the following contexts:
1. Bedtime
2. When being told off
3. When asked to do something they didn't want to (eg tidy your rooms)
4. As an option for something we're doing
5. School time grin

My dc would also not want to upset Gp if they said "do you want to come now?". They would say "yes", even if they didn't want to, leaving me to look the nasty one if I said they couldn't.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 15-Jul-13 13:49:03

From only reading your first post YABU.

However...

This woman previously assaulted me and almost destroyed my marriage

My child woudn't be having any contact with someone that had behaved like that towards me.

MrsOakenshield Mon 15-Jul-13 13:53:37

well, I haven't read your previous posts but I think yanbu. A 3 year old is not in a position to make this kind of decision, and it's very unfair to make him think he can, just for the asking, see his GPs as and when he likes (same with anything, not just this). They are using him to get their own way, it's very PA.

People cannot read your mind. What is of huge importance to you may not have sunk in or register on their radar. Or they may not even know. You have to spell stuff out for people before you get arsy with them (OK not always..but here certainly).

So:
Do not expect the whole of MN to know your history and hurumph if they do not
Are you doing the same with Ils? Are they aware of how you feel about this particular issue. If they are object. If not tell them ffs

Shelby2010 Mon 15-Jul-13 14:46:01

YANBU - their behaviour does sound deliberately manipulative.

Just remember that you only need to show a united front with your DH. I dont think you should worry about contradicting the GP to your DS. "Aren't Granny & Grandad silly, they keep forgetting Mummy (& Daddy) are in charge!" or "Silly Granny, of course you can't go round today, we went yesterday."

And/or get your DH to have another word with them. Personally I wouldn't be seeing anyone that annoying once a week let alone 3 times! Bugger the special GP relationship, they don't sound like particularly good people to be having any influence over your DS.

BackforGood Mon 15-Jul-13 15:08:26

From what you'd posted in your OP - I'd agree with Xylem too.
If there are (pretty crucial) facts like you've posted later, you need to put them in your OP, not expect everyone to have happened to have read up on your life history (and remembered it) before hand.

Shelby2010 Mon 15-Jul-13 15:23:27

And for what it's worth, I haven't read any of the OP's previous posts but I thought this one was pretty clear. GPs issue an invitation which OP declines, they then turn to DS and say 'But DS wants to come, don't you?' or equivalent. They've also told DS that he can issue instructions to his parents about what he wants to do! Both these things would make me hopping mad.

CecilyP Mon 15-Jul-13 15:35:18

Yes, I agree with Shelby and DeWe. 3-year-olds don't normally get to dictate to their parents, so I don't see why this should be different or why this makes OP unreasonable or barmy.

ReginaPhilangie Mon 15-Jul-13 15:43:37

YANBU. I have the same thing with my narc mother. She very passive aggressively says things like this to my dds. I now just completely ignore her when she says things like this, and say to the kids "We'll see," when they start getting excited. I will then later explain to them that w probably won't be doing xy and z that nanny said. DD1 has started to cotton on a bit now as she says, "Nanny annoys you doesn't she mummy". I explained to her that nanny doesn't always give me the space I ask for, and that's not a nice thing to do to someone. Everyone is entitled to their own space. It's harder to get dd2 who is 6 to understand but I just go down the route of mummy says no and what mummy says is law. wink I can imagine it can be hard with a 3 year old but again like with my dd2 what you say goes and that's kind of the end of it.

Ticklemonster2 Mon 15-Jul-13 15:59:18

Thanks Regina, I have played it down so far and hoping that my son won't make an issue of it. He is never that bothered to go as I think he finds them to pushy (he is a really laid back little boy).
It's got on my pip as I felt it was manipulative and comes on the back of a recent upset over weird things they've been telling him (which he started repeating to us) ie that he's only allowed to love daddy etc.
As much as i want my son to be happy, I don't want him thinking he makes the decisions in this house, or that its ok for relatives to blatantly undermine. He is 3 and very impressionable.

RawCoconutMacaroon Mon 15-Jul-13 16:08:25

"He's only allowed to love daddy"!!! Any relative that said that to my toddler would be having little or no contact with my child. Certainly not 3 visits a week!

Dackyduddles Mon 15-Jul-13 16:12:27

Does dh support you?

If so you need to clearly state with examples ready why the present situation exists. Then leave them alone.

They are loons. I'm not reading your history on this either.

UnexpectedStepmum Mon 15-Jul-13 16:22:49

I remember your thread. Have you or your DH explained why you are not letting the GPs see your DS unsupervised, or did you just stop it? If you did tell them why then they are even more out of order, and I would be having a word or asking DH to do so. If you haven't, you are being a bit U to expect them to understand. FWIW I thought they sounded nasty and bonkers last post and this may well underline that. What does your DH think now?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 15-Jul-13 16:27:45

The op was perfectly clear that her and her DH have agreed no unsupervised contact.

That's enough to go on, both parents including the one who the gc's belong to have said no to unsupervised contact.

Clear enough to know dh agrees with this clear enough to know both parents don't want it happening

Scrounger Mon 15-Jul-13 20:44:04

'He is only allowed to love Daddy', does that mean he is not supposed to love Mummy.

If so, your ILs are well out of order, I would ask what example that is to make to a child but given that they have assaulted you do you really want them in your child's life? I don't want to sound mean but if you only allow supervised visits and they are coming out with this shit, and that you are hearing it second hand from your son, (assuming I am right above) you should allow them less leeway on the visits to say this type of thing. I mean 'you' as including your DP as well. That last post doesn't sound a healthy environment for your DC, what would happen if you pulled them up on it?

McNewPants2013 Mon 15-Jul-13 21:06:12

There are a lot of times when as a parent we have to say no.

If DC asks just say no.

personally any one that assulted me wouldn't be around my children at all.

Ticklemonster2 Tue 16-Jul-13 08:04:03

DH is very supportive as they have put us through a lot since we got married. He knows they have issues.
Just to be clear, ds has not visited them alone since my last post. We haven't needed to explain as they rarely had him alone anyway due to MILs previous behaviour. My DH did challenge his mother on the strange things our DS was saying, but (of course) she denied saying things to him.
The only reason we visited 3 times in one week was due to them moving and us dropping things over. We probably won't see them now for a few weeks.
My good old DH is yet again going to have words with them about putting on the spot. The poor guy just wants normal parents!

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