To give up on this date

(253 Posts)

Had a great first date last monday, so great the second date was planned the same day, for tomorrow night.

since then hes kind of dropped off the face of the earth, what was daily contact, lots of texts and things throughout the day has dropped to something like 10 messages over 6 days. Knowing he was busy this weekend i messaged to say have a nice weekend, which he recieved but didnt reply to.

Not being one to be passive about these things i sent him a message saying i wasnt sure what was up, but that if he had changed his mind that was fine and to just let me know as i didnt want to message someone when it wasnt wanted.

He immediatley replied and told me he had been crazy busy and we would chat soon. That was 48 hours ago. Nothing since. He is away this weekend with friends but has been using his phone/internet as i can see hes updated various things.....

Second date is meant to be tomorrow. Just how long am i meant to keep hanging on waiting to hear? Some friends have said i should just wait and give him a chance, others have said to send something cancelling it.

Im in two minds what to do. Give up?!!

PatsyAndEddy Sun 14-Jul-13 17:03:16

Edit until the date. You've arranged a date he's not missed that our an I missing something?

MalcolmTuckersMum Sun 14-Jul-13 17:03:48

Start off by calming down. If there's one thing guaranteed to make a man run for the hills it's a woman doing what you're doing. You're acting obsessed, insecure, a bit controlling and needy. Stop it all right now and sit back and wait for him to contact you - if you haven't frightened him off by now.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 14-Jul-13 17:06:53

He's away for the weekend. He told you he was busy. He's text you back to say things are fine, I'm just busy.

It takes a lot less time to update a Facebook status than to have a text conversation, especially if he's away with friends or family that don't know about you yet.

Cool it and wait for the date. He hasn't done anything wrong yet - he's just busy.

im not doing anything, im not contacting him. im possible that i could have scared him off by sending a ' have a nice weekend message' if hes frightened off by that he isnt much of a man.......

a date is a lot of effort, babysitters need to be organised/ let down, i need to sort myself out. i just want to know if its still on or not, and im suspecting not. i dont want to have spent ages getting ready, getting a babysitter organised, only to be let down and the last min.

cardibach Sun 14-Jul-13 17:09:06

10 texts in 6 days? SO more than one a day? Not really avoiding you, is he, if you are honest? He has said he is busy and will contact you when he can. That may be today, or may not be until the date tomorrow. Calm down! I think you are getting over invested and expecting too much - he has a life (as I'm sure you do). You have had no indication he is regretting planning the date if you look at it rationally.

PatsyAndEddy Sun 14-Jul-13 17:09:07

But what makes you think it isn't? You made plans, maybe he doesn't feel the need to confirm any more beyond that?

its doesnt really take less time to do a fb status, than it does to text ' smile ' or just a hi - hope you are ok' does it.

Its not just from this weekend though, it went like this from the day after the date. Had it have just been this weekend, its not a worry. But its very odd that before the date and straight after, he was after lots of contact, and now its just dropped off to nothing.

cardibach Sun 14-Jul-13 17:10:33

WHy are you suspecting not? I am really confused by this. I think the scariness Caja is referring to is the text asking if he has changed his mind about the date because you have not heard from him for what, at that stage? ABout 12 hours?

its the change in contact, before the date is was chatting via email/ whatsapp/ text all day on and off. so lots and lots of chatting, instigated mostly by him.

we dont even have firm plans other that we would do something monday evening......

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 14-Jul-13 17:11:29

But there is no reason to think that it isn't on. He's just busy. You shouldn't be waiting, you should be enjoying your weekend too... Otherwise it seems a bit like Miss Havisham in her wedding dress!

The 'scary' text is the 'I'm not sure what's up' one. He's just busy. Nothing is wrong. That text comes across as quite clingy and needy, despite the cool and relaxed vibe I'm sure you meant it with.

The date is on for now. If that changes, blow him off tomorrow. But for now, it's on and you have no reason to doubt that. So make any plans that you need too, and enjoy your Sunday night.

Callmedreckly Sun 14-Jul-13 17:12:02

YABU

cardi - because before the date we were in contact all day, for 2 weeks. Since the date its dropped so dramatically and whole days have gone by without hearing anything.

IF it had been like that from the beginning, then yes, fair enough, doesnt look like anything is up. But when you see what it was before, to what it is now....

LondonMan Sun 14-Jul-13 17:14:52

what was daily contact, lots of texts and things throughout the day has dropped to something like 10 messages over 6 days

im not doing anything, im not contacting him. im possible that i could have scared him off by sending a ' have a nice weekend message' if hes frightened off by that he isnt much of a man.......

Bit of a contradiction between these two, the first would be far too much communication for me.

i messaged to say have a nice weekend, which he recieved but didnt reply to.

Why would anyone reply to that? It's not a question.

i have been enjoying my weekend!!! why would you think i wouldnt be?

I just need to know if i need to firm up my babysitter plans or cancel.

i dont think the text is scary,it gave him an out, i wasnt being demanding i just said if he had changed his mind that was fine but to just let me know. If someone cant take that for what it is, then they arent the person for me.

If you had dated recently, you might know people vanish on people all the time, its more likely than not to happen...

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:17:39

YABU. The date went well, you planned another, he's been in contact and when you queried if it was still on he replied that it was.

Imagine this is 10/20 years ago and you didn't have Facebook and mobiles to track each others every move. Chill. See how tomorrow goes. Make your decision after that.

london it might be too much comminication for you, and it might be for me if i didnt like someone, but it was ok, and nice actually. And mostly coming from him.

and no, i havent messaged him since he said he was busy, so not a contradiction at all. Im not some fool whos going to keep messaging when im not getting a reply.

and a reply to have a nice weekend... is usually ' you too' unless you lack manners.

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Jul-13 17:19:28

I'm in agreement wtith you OP, that it seems a big drop off in his level of communication between before and after the date.

we dont even have firm plans other that we would do something monday evening.

This ^ is bothering me ...

It doesn't sound like there is a date arranged ....

I'd be wondering what to do too. Not much help - sorry sad

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:20:11

Oh goodness snail, it sounds like you don't think this is the man for you whatever he does, so why no sack him off and move on? Save you both the bother. You're going to go into this date tomorrow with negative feelings no matter what now, poor bugger barely stands a chance.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sun 14-Jul-13 17:20:23

Is this an online dating guy? If so you're going to have to back off I'm afraid. Sending 'what's up?' texts is the quickest way to scare them off.
I can understand that you need to firm up the babysitting plans though. Can you perhaps just text him and say that? 'Hi, what's the plan for tomorrow? I need to firm things up with the babysitter.' Or somesuch.

youarewinning Sun 14-Jul-13 17:21:41

But before you met was all the getting the basics and flirting. A few days after is the we had a great time contact.
Now it's the we're meeting again, so if we chat too much what will we talk about time.

Id arrange the babysitter, be ready to go out and wait until he texts you where. ATM nothing seems to hint he's gonna cancel it - if you push too hard though you may push him towards doing just that.

heck im not texting him again. he knows where i am.

im not chasing after someone whos not meeting me halfway.

hes not some poor bugger who cant do right, i really enjoyed his company and was excited to see him again but

- massive drop in contact
- no firm plans other than ' monday evening'
- no contact for days.

does actually look like its not going to happy. and hell if im going to get ready and get everything organised to be left all dressed up with noonwhere to go.....

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 17:29:19

I don't understand what you are worrying about. Is it normal for two people who barely know each other to text each other several times a day? What do you have to say to each other?

Not sure how to manage the babysitter. Maybe arrange one and if he blows you off, go out to the cinema instead.

He hasn't indicated that the date is off so I'd go on that basis-if you're really unsure just txt him re the babysitter as said up thread.

PrincessKitKat Sun 14-Jul-13 17:31:36

How did you meet Snail? Was it Internet & Monday was your first face-to-face?
TBH I'm inclined to agree with you, if he's dropped off so noticably after one date, my spider-senses would be telling me to leave it too.

nkf - might not be for you. is for me.... ive lots of friends, male and female, people chat all day long, text, via fb, whatsapp etc... on and off about anything and everything. maybe its a generational thing?

If he blows me off i doubt i will feel like sitting the the cinema on my own. i wont be able to go out with friends at such short notice as they would all need babysitters. and if you have ever been stood up/ blown out at the last min, you will know it doesnt feel very nice.

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:32:56

I think you are making the right decision.

I also think you need to alter your expectations a little. Online dating, like every other kind, is a minefield. I used to have the loveliest chats with a very nice teacher from the next city over, we just never managed to find a time we could meet up. I could have viewed it as a total time waste, but we had a pleasant enough time talking. I frequently messaged a very interesting artist from London who I knew I'd never meet up with as we lived hundreds of miles apart, but the flirty banter was fun. I've dated guys who seem keen then drop off the face of the earth, guys who say all the right things but their actions don't match, and guys who turned out to be plain rude/horrid/weird. It's the luck of the draw, you just have to take a deep breath and see what you get. And not get so worked up about one guy not meeting your unspoken expectations!

yeah, it was from match.

ive done a ton of online dating so i know how it works.... and i also know that such a drop in contact is such a big flag that something is up. its nothing to do with expectations at all. I would be fine with whatever, but its the CHANGE in his behaviour which is indicating something isnt right.

daisychain01 Sun 14-Jul-13 17:36:19

Send him a text and say Thanks for the date, enjoyed the evening, but sorry something else has cropped up now, cheers, all the best. It gives you back the final word, so to speak and it closes it all off and leaves it on a pleasant note. Don't be persuaded to change your mind. You probably wont hear from him, but in any case, it really seems like he isn't that bothered, so save your delightful company for someone who you feel more comfortable about.

I actually don't give my mobile number out too soon because the downside of texting is that during the early days of a relationship it is sooo easy to send off lots of texts, which then lets either person read between the lines too much, rather than let things happen naturally!

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:36:41

This babysitter thing seems to be a big issue, and is likely to be a recurring problem for you if you end up dating quite a lot of guys. Is there a workaround there for you? Arranging dates during school time or when your child is with their other parent? Asking friends/family members to babysit so there's more flexibility? (Perhaps you could offer to return the favour for them sometime?)

I just feel like you may run into this same issue time and time again, so perhaps worth looking for alternatives and workarounds.

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:37:48

"The downside of texting is that during the early days of a relationship it is sooo easy to send off lots of texts, which then lets either person read between the lines too much, rather than let things happen naturally!"

This. I would add Facebook/Snapchat/every other kind of social media to that tbh.

i only date when my child is with her father. and last mondays date was a lunchtime... so while she was at school and on one of my days off. I never get babysitters for first dates, because i have learnt the hard way this is a stupid thing to do smile

i only get a sitter if i think its worth it. which i did. now i dont.

and i agree he really doesnt seem all that bothered.... so i dont want to waste my time and effort.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 14-Jul-13 17:40:37

Did you have sex during the first date?

No judgement, it happens, I've done it grin but it might illuminate his seeming fall-off in attention.

stuntgirl and daisy - i agree. however that is the world we now live in. And i think in some ways its a good thing, as you can find out much about a person from this stuff ( and find out if someone is married when they are single and save yourself a date and a whole lot of drama) but also the downside is people chat a lot. and like you said, it can lead to assumptions or expectations of behaviours.

i did not have sex with him. no.

it was a daytime date, we had ice cream and went to the beach. we didnt even kiss.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 14-Jul-13 17:47:38

Right, well....it still doesn't look brilliant though I guess.

I almost wonder if he's been on another date since.

Definitely disengage. If he sends a last minute text just say sorry, baby sitter has fallen though. Then if he's interested he'll try to arrange something else.

it doesnt look brilliant, i know.

He might have been on another date, i dont think so. he had his children two of those nights, and then has been doing stuff with friends in prep for this weekend...... its his hobby/ obsession. so i think hes just got wrapped up in that.

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Jul-13 17:55:13

Look - it's Sunday eve now - If it was me i'd think anyone who was that dead keen to take me out in 24 hours would have finalised time and place by now.

I think you should resign yourself to not going out tomorrow.

If he calls/texts later tonight or tomorrow morning to arrange it, you can be all breezy and say ''oh sorry - i've arranged something else now, how about xxx time place? We need to make it definate though, 'cos of babysitting''.

This will give him the idea you're not sat waiting around for him and also an idea how keen he really is.

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:55:16

I don't personally think he's done anything wrong at all, but since you do you're better letting him find someone else. I see that this was purely a rant rather than actually wanting opinions or advice, so I'm out.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 14-Jul-13 17:55:16

There's two ways of dealing with this.

1) Chill and stick with the 'plans' for Monday then see where it goes.
2) Pre-emptively cancel Monday and chalk this one up to experience.

I don't recommend tormenting yourself over what HE is thinking and whether he is interested in you. Decide for yourself whether this would be a good way to start a relationship and if the answer is no, walk away.

sarahseashell Sun 14-Jul-13 17:58:48

he might have contacted you less because he knows you've already got another date lined up?

do you want to see him again? If so can you get a babysitter on standby or make a 'plan b' and then decide monday lunchtime/ whatever time you think is a decent time for him to have contacted you by?

or if you don't like the way he operates don't see him again smile I wouldn't text him either way - see when he contacts you and then you can say he's left it too late/ you've changed your mind or whatever.

but in dating do try to act as though you're fabulous and why wouldn't he want to see you - that's my advice wink think of what you want in a man

diddl Sun 14-Jul-13 18:01:16

Does he know that you need to get a babysitter?

When you last messaged, why didn't you ask properly what the plans were for tomorrow?

fluffy - i do agree.

smite - hmm, yeah. I think im going to sit back and see what happens. Till about 2pm ish, then cancel myself.

I dont think its a great way to start something and i kind of feel that im not interested very much at all now. Hes got the morning to redeem himself, he doesnt know that.

Interestingly, i spoke to some lads at work about this who said it was odd and that if he gets in contact and acts like nothing has happened, then to not see him, because its clear hes not that interested ( becuse as a man, he would be chasing if he were) and that if i take that, he will think he can do what he wants and ill just take it. These were men in their 20's ... i thought that was an interesting view.....

yeah he knows i need to get a sitter. and i didnt properly ask what the plans were as it was only friday and i hadnt heard from him really since the monday evening. I didnt want to push.

sarah - i AM fab. which is why im not taking any shit.... and why i dont want to feel upset tomorrow when ive been blown out. im trying to protect my fabness smile

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 18:11:14

I've been in exactly the same situation recently only it wasn't online dating, we met in a shop.

Fantastic first date - no sex but a bit of a kiss - the second date was arranged. I turned up - he didn't. He said he didn't think it was a firm arrangement, apologised and since then absolutely nothing!

I've seen him twice since then, just bumping into him, and he's definitely cooled and I have no idea why.

All I can think is that he's either met someone else or he's one of those commitment phobic men who run from 'love' <shrug>

If I were you, OP, I'd cancel the babysitter and save yourself the grief. I'm sorry this has happened to you - it's really not a nice feeling, I know sad

catelyn, urgh, sorry it happened to you too. its happened to me plenty of times before, which is why i can now see the signs of it happening, rather than blindly thinking its all ok because ive not heard differently.

Its the change of behaviour that is key.

Im not going to cancel yet. I know hes still away. Im giving him the benefit of the doubt until lunchtime, but i dont actually think i will 1) hear from him 2) the date will happen.

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 18:22:43

Fair enough - I hope he gets in touch soon and all is well.

But yes, I know exactly what you mean about the change in contact pattern. Just because someone's busy, they don't fall off the edge of the world. Nor are they lying in a ditch, weakly calling out our names smile

no, they arent, lol more so when hes been using his phone to update stuff, its not that much more effort to send a quick ' hi' when the phone is already in his hand.... bearing in mind we are meant to have a date tomorrow.

i brought a new dress....

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 18:37:47

Hey, I even shaved my legs! shock

Just in case, you know grin

woah!!! you shaved your legs. thats serious effort right there smile

what has he said when you have seen him about since?
such odd behavior

FreudiansSlipper Sun 14-Jul-13 18:54:45

why are you looking out for him updating stuff So what if he is

I get that you have to make plans for your babysitter. I would cancel babysitter (if date is still andy ou can always explain why and make another date) and back off neither of you have to act in a certain way but needing constant reassurance so early is not a great start

because if hes too busy to send a ' hi' text, surely he should be to busy to update stuff the whole time...

its just bullshit though, because hes not too busy, noone is to busy to send a 2 second text. fact is he doesnt want to, has massivley dropped contact since the first date and its that that makes you feel insecure and on uneven footing.

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 19:23:26

It's not about wanting constant reassurance - it's about a change in behaviour that puts a question mark over whether or not you're going to meet up again.

I'm sure that snail wasn't being needy in her communication with him. I know I sure as Hell wasn't with the man I was 'seeing'.

(He's just said 'hi' and scuttled off btw confused

Snail - a book that's really helped me see that it's him and not me is

Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man before He Breaks Your Heart: Amazon.co.uk: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol.

It's scary how many men fit the pattern. I really hope that 'your's' isn't like 'mine'!

oh, i dont think for a second its me smile so dont worry. And im not heartbroken, more disappointed as i had been a bit excited about this one.....

I wasnt needy at all, plenty of times before we met him i said i would stop chatting and leave him too it, every time he said no, it was nice to chat and he was enjoying it, and a text or whatsapp takes seconds. funny that since the date thats not his attitude at all.

it would take a stupid person with no awareness not to see that, and its that that throws it all up in the air leaving somone very confused as to what to do, nothing to do with needing reassurance.

catelyn, i think he is like that, or, i know that already....... im not expecting any other outcome other than me sat on my own tomorrow evening.

Mia4 Sun 14-Jul-13 19:35:43

OP he really may be busy but I have to admit from dating myself and hearing from my friends this behaviour is classic 'time waster' behaviour. They blow hot at first and either a) lose interest or get turned off b) expect you to chase or c) find someone else. And often choose not to say so but drop contact down.

Mind you all the ladies I know tend to go for that rather then be upfront and just say 'I had a great date, thanks, but I don't think we're all that suited.'

One mistake I personally think you did make though with this man was sending this text: "i wasnt sure what was up, but that if he had changed his mind that was fine and to just let me know as i didnt want to message someone when it wasnt wanted."

You chased him. I would bet you that in his mind he felt like you did and either it was what he liked and wants you to chase more or he genuinely was very busy and it's a turn off because you appear desperate. In a situation where you feel someone's actions are speaking louder then words then go by their actions and treat them likewise. I know people want 'closure' and 'to know' but honestly you don't often get that in dating.

Sadly you can't win either way, because while you were being upfront and honest he is probably going to interpret one of those two ways, both of which will signal desperation to him.

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 19:38:15

if you don't want to set up a babysitter for something that may or may not turn into a date, then maybe don't. And when/if he calls/texts, he'll have to arrange something concrete for next time. Or he won't call/text and you haven't lost out.

i still dont think sending that text was a bad thing. he said hes shy with women, finds its hard to say what he wants and rarely makes the first move... he had pre warned me of this.... what i didnt want to happen was for him to feel like he HAD to go on the date and didnt want to, that text was an 'out' for him. without him thinking he was going to hurt my feelings or whatever.

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 19:41:09

But if he can chat/text/fb, he doesn't need to take you out. He can have this chatty, flirty banter with no effort and no expense and without being tied down to anything. And when it peters out, as it's bound to because it's just words on a screen, then well he stops chatting/texting/fbooking. I imagine that's all that happened.

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 19:41:49

Sending that text was a very bad idea. You've had one date with him. You can't ask him to account for his behaviour to you.

well i don't think you've done anything wrong.

and i'd probably cancel the babysitter tomorrow, giving him the morning. tis shit and i'm sorry.

i wasnt asking him to account his behaviour. i was saying if he wanted to cancel monday then it was fine and he could say so.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 14-Jul-13 19:53:36

Agree with nkf, I would definitely not organise a babysitter. Why would you spend £25-30 for something that looks 50/50 if it's going to happen?

If he does get back in touch then you just tell him that nothing was arranged, you didn't know what time you needed the babysitter for. If he wants to go out with you,he will ask you out again.

However I don't think he is going to call. A weeks a long time between dates so he may have met someone else. I do think he may have been put off by your text, but I wouldn't worry about having sent it. I had a guy go incommunicado on me when I was dating, it was bloody annoying as he had said that we'd do something on a Sunday and I kept it free.

Time to move on, and next time don't start wasting time looking at the Facebook status when you have been on one date, and I don't want to go all The Rules or anything, but I'd not be going overboard on the texting/messaging etc. until you are a bit further into a relationship.

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 19:53:50

Not being one to be passive about these things i sent him a message saying i wasnt sure what was up, but that if he had changed his mind that was fine and to just let me know as i didnt want to message someone when it wasnt wanted.

This is not a cool message. This is effectively asking his intentions.

diddl Sun 14-Jul-13 19:56:36

A week a long time between dates?

Depend how near you live!

It all does seem odd.

If I'd wanted to see him I probably would have asked for arrangements/times as I needed a babysitter.

I agree to leave it & if he contacts, well you can't go out as no babysitter.

Mia4 Sun 14-Jul-13 20:08:28

watchforthesnail The text was very upfront and can be taken in different ways, if you took a poll here on MN asking what people would think if a date sent them that I would bet you'd havesome saying 'too fast and looks deserate -turn off', another half saying 'chasing me, I like it/not sure of it/going to expect more of it- too soon' and others saying 'fair and reasonable, don't want to waste your time.'

I'm not saying you were desperate, I'm saying, that text can be interpreted in different ways and what and how you know it's meant to be and how you'd interpret does not mean he'd see it the same. If you polled it asking people, you'd have no necessary consensus between what people think. Some would think like you, others wouldn't. You don't know how he viewed it, you never know how someone will which is why you should always bear in mind and go with 'actions speak louder then words'.

This guy seems to have backed off, I wouldn't bother arranging babysitting when it may not happen-personally I'd let him come to you, if he does say you can't get a babysitter and will need to rearrange in which case let him ask and set up. And if he doesn't you know to not bother with him again.

a week isnt really a long time between dates when you are a grown up with kids and jobs and things. A week is about right.

nkf - i wasnt asking his intentions, i was saying if he had changed his mind it was ok and he could say so. I was giving him an out, without me having to be left hanging on not knowing whats happening.

Equally he wasnt cool when he said he was shy and a bit crap when it comes to women. even his dating profile says he wont send a message, so if anyone is interested to say hi. Thats not cool is it.... people are just people.

the texting happens when you are chatting, you have to chat to see if you would want to go on a date with somone... otherwise you end up going on 100's of dates where you have nothing in common with anyone and it wastes everyones time. It is very very usual in online dating to chat a fair bit before you meet. We went ' offsite' as it were as my subscription ran out, ,we then went to email, but my hotmail kept missing messages, so went went to text. I didnt do anything wrong by chatting with the guy before we met.

thispunderfullife Sun 14-Jul-13 20:10:42

You are being unreasonable. read the rules, take with a massive pinch of salt and apply to how you've been acting. stop with all the social networking stuff for anyone you've been on a date with. Guaranteed head fuck.

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 20:14:23

I get what you are saying. All I'm doing is offering my view of how it appears to me. You've asked friends what to do. You've asked on here. My view is it's probably best to cancel the babysitter and think about something else.

I appreciate that you didn't ask for views on the text you've sent so I apologise for that. There's no point in talking about that anyway. It's been sent.

MissStrawberry Sun 14-Jul-13 20:14:53

I think calm down.

Before you met he had to get you interested and show interest in you, hence lots of texts. Now you have met he has you interested so maybe doesn't feel the need to contact you every hour or whatever. You have met, both said you want to meet again so no need for all the extra messing about.

So many times I have read on here women sending don't know what is wrong but if you don 't want to see me at least let me know bollocks and they wonder why the man disappears off the face of the Earth.

frutilla Sun 14-Jul-13 20:18:28

Why not just do nothing and if he calls to firm things up, say "sorry, I couldn't get a baby-sitter" and suggest another night next week but with firm time and place, so that you can get the sitter organised?

meganorks Sun 14-Jul-13 20:18:29

I've noticed guys don't tend to respond to texts unless you ask a question. So 'have a nice wknd' doesn't necessarily need a reply.
Also I always find I'm a bit crap with email and text - if I don't respond straight away I end up forgetting.
And he has said he still wants to go, so maybe you should just take him at face value
That said your instincts are often right. Maybe just think what would you be more gutted about - you cancelling baby sitter only for the date to be going ahead but you can't go? Or you still all set to go but being stood up last minute?
Maybe have a back up plan - a nice child free trip to the cinema maybe

im an upfront kind of person smile if someone doesnt like that then they are not for me and its better to find out sooner rather than later.

the thing with social networking, is its a host of info, avaliable at your fingertips, it cant be a very useful tool, which is why many employers use it before they interview/ offer jobs. Im not affraid to say i will google the hell out of anyone before i meet them. It has in the past thrown up men with weird sexual perversions, married men, men who are racist, sexist, cheaters, liars.... etc, many a time its saved me from god awful dates with godawful men. and the times when ive not used it, ive usually regretted it ( the granny shagger and the obsessive stalker) The downside of social networking is the same as the plus side, you can see everything....

piratecat Sun 14-Jul-13 20:33:07

yes give up.

life is too short to second guess yourself or him. you had lots of contact, you met, it's tapered off.

sorry but he's either got other dates lined up and is busy with them, or isn't wanting to meet again.

when the contact changes, it doesn't mean you are needy or grabby, i hate it when women say that about women who just want to know why something doesn't sit right.

trust your instinct. don't be his fall back.

Hopingitwillallbefine Sun 14-Jul-13 20:37:23

I agree with miss - calm down. As far as I can see the hasn't done anything wrong - went on a date, arranged another, kept in touch in between (tbh I think even 10 texts in 6 days is a lot). You asked if he wanted to cancel, he said no. So the only issue really is that he texted more often before your first date. As others have pointed out this may have just been to get to know you. I definitely wouldn't cancel the date. As for his social networking use, please try not to extrapolate meaning from it, it means nothing. Today I have been on FB and commented on various posts, however I have so far neglected to reply to one text and two emails from friends, not because I don't care about them but simply because I'm busy. Oh and I am forever asking dp why he didn't reply to my text/email to be repeatedly told "but it didn't have a question".

the question thing... every text/ message wasnt a question before we met, it was just chatting. so thats no bones.

pirate, i agree with you and i dont expect to hear from him again. Im not however cancelling at this point, ill wait till lunctime tomorrow.

but my instinct says what it says last week, hes no longer interested.

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 21:08:21

I think you are right. Next.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 14-Jul-13 21:39:39

Frankly, your behaviour and your posts make you sound mental and needy. This is the sort of thing that makes normal people run for the hills! Of course you were texting loads before your first date, that's how it is when you meet online, it's all part of getting things off the ground. Once you've met, you know you like each other, you know you're seeing each other again, you can relax it a bit. 10 messages in 6 days is more than enough.

I went out with a guy like this recently (also met online) and dumped him after our second date partly because he bombarded me with texts all the time after we first met. I felt pressured to respond and it made me feel that like he didn't respect my boundaries and was too needy. I also thought if we shared every details of our days, we'd have nothing to talk about when we met in person again. I have a job, a life, and better things to do than text back and forth all day like a teenager.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 14-Jul-13 21:40:37

I would like to hear about the "granny shagger", by the way smile

calling me mental and needy isnt going to make me share stories with you, sorry.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 14-Jul-13 22:26:59

Eh, if you're that sensitive you shouldn't be doing online dating anyway!

ShoutyCrackers Sun 14-Jul-13 22:33:22

You're not mental and you're not needy. But you've taken your eye off the ball here and you're over complicating it.

Here's how I see it - you chatted back and forth for a period of time before you met. That's usual and normal. You then met. He's come away from that date thinking something different to you. He's thinking ' not for me. ' Now, why he's thinking that is anyone's guess and you're brilliant so it's entirely his loss - but his loss or not, he just wasn't that into you.

You had your answer the minute the contact started to dwindle and then dropped away. I wouldn't have sent the text that you did because , deep down, you knew the answer anyway.

So - chalk this one up to experience - just another chapter in the book. All you need to do is keep plugging away and eventually you're going to find the one that's right for you. Just a question of time. I don't really see - apart from the text showing that you gave a toss - that you could have played this one any differently, so just forget it now , delete him from various social sites and get back in the saddle.

Oh and don't paint your nails yellow again - heh heh

LessMissAbs Sun 14-Jul-13 22:47:45

Whats with the dating on Mondays thing anyway? I can understand one date on a Monday, but surely the weekend might be a better option if you are serious about each other?

And why would you want more than 10 messages in 6 days from someone you've only met once before anyway? Whats the point in each of you putting on some fake act that you are madly in love when you barely know each other? Is it some kind of online dating etiquette? If so, I can understand the drop off, no-one can keep up that amount of fakery for long. Love at first sight must surely be rare.

btw I'd just ignore him as soon as he doesn't rely to one text. Ignoring men is very potent.

ShoutyCrackers Sun 14-Jul-13 22:52:37

I'm not dating and have a partner but have past experience in this area. It's not a ' fake act ' or acting madly in love. It's the ebb and flow of a chatty conversation - this stuff is tricky when you have children to think of and are unable to just trip out on a Saturday night

ShoutyCrackers Sun 14-Jul-13 22:53:27

And how would anyone know they were serious about each other after one date over an ice cream? Your post makes little sense abs

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 22:57:30

Snail - you are not mental or needy.

Some people just don't understand unless they've been in the same situation themselves <sigh>

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 14-Jul-13 23:04:53

Holla, calling someone mental and needy and then saying they're sensitive for not finding that a totally neutral statement is, hmmmmm, a bit rich.

OP, trust your instincts. Sounds like you are though, anyway.

sandwichyear Sun 14-Jul-13 23:57:01

I genuinely think this one could go either way. BUT the only way you can claw it back is to cancel the babysitter anyway. If he then calls as if he is all on for the date, you must absolutely 100% resist the urge to sound pissed off/bitter/ annoyed in any way etc etc but say in a really friendly, lovely way: Oh i'm so sorry, I hadn't heard from you about plans so I assumed it wasn't happening any more. What a shame- lets do it another time." Don't mention babysitting arrangements etc or go into any detail about what you are doing instead (leaving him free to assume that you might have another date/ something more exciting lined up) then leave it absolutely up to him to make arrangements for a different night and be more specific about it. That way, you leave the door open a crack if he is interested but are realistic about the strong possibility that he isn't. Good luck OP. This kind of thing is exhausting!

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 00:23:55

All of this after one date? Wow. You're not 'mental' but it is all rather odd.

Calm down is the best advice offered here.

You agreed to have a date tomorrow, right? So what is the problem? If it's that he isn't texting you enough that's your problem not his.

Again, calm down!

KateMiddletonsMum Mon 15-Jul-13 01:03:02

I feel for you, it's not a nice situation to be in, been there!
I do hope you get the right outcome. I bet he contacts you just as you're sitting down to tea tomorrow...!

allaflutter Mon 15-Jul-13 01:06:52

not sure I'd date anyone who says that he 'never' would initiate contact, and to message him instead. WTF? Even if he really likes the sound f someone on the site, and thinks she may suit him down to a t, he wouldn't message? Does he at least mark people as favourites? if neither, then I don't think he's ready for any dating full stop - no big loss as he has issues.

allaflutter Mon 15-Jul-13 01:07:57

but good decisin to wait till tomorrow - he may be just odd and awkward to start with, but if he relies on your intiative after date two (if it happens), forget it!

allaflutter Mon 15-Jul-13 01:10:00

Generally, one of advice I like from the (somewhat ridiculous) Rules is: men are never really 'shy', they are just not really, really interested in that woman.

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 01:17:37

I'd be the same, OP. I'm not sure why some people don't see what you're getting at.

differentnameforthis Mon 15-Jul-13 01:31:43

<wonders how relationships ever happened before texting/emailing/social networking was invented>

I used to go days without speaking to my boyfriend when I was younger. When we started seeing each other I was 15 (25yrs ago) & we would go days between seeing each other with no contact. He said he would see me x day, I said I would see him x day, sometimes we would talk, sometimes not. He would call if things changed, as I would call him. Having to wait to see/talk to him gave us heaps to talk about, because we weren't in constant contact we hadn't exhausted all our 'news', so to speak!

We managed to plan living together this way too. No texts in the middle of the day to say the mortgage lender had called & said x,y,z/ the estate agent needed a,b,c just a quick chat about it when I saw him next.

My point is, years ago we all managed to conduct relationships/businesses/lives without being in immediate contact 24/7 & we all made it through. I love my phone & email etc, but things were so much easier & less stressful then.

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 02:06:20

Which completely misses the point. You can now and he was before the date then it dropped off sharply.

and when that happened i did of course know what that meant..

i did try to convince myself he was just busy etc but if he could make time before the date there was no reason he cpuldnt after.

i had just really liked him and hoped otherwise.

still havent heard anything.

fluffyraggies Mon 15-Jul-13 07:12:46

Morning OP.

I would def. be unavailable tonight if i were you. After that - play it by ear.

We're all different and some MNers will disagree, of course, but to get a second date with me i'd expect a guy to work harder and seem a lot more interested than this bloke is being right now.

piratecat Mon 15-Jul-13 07:19:26

as someone said. don't be available at such short notice today.
don't say about sitters and stuff just say oh i thought it was off as i haven't heard from you.

i agree fluffy....

hes got till lunch. but every hour that goes past is worse in his favour. if he waits till afterlunch i will be unavaliable. but i dont expect i am.actually going to hear from him in any case.

my friend checked match and hes not been online sincewe took our chat off there. and hes not logged intowhatsapp ( what we were chatting on) since friday evening.

pirate,.if hes in contact thats what i will say. but at this point i think its unlikely he will be in contact.

bit of a shit situation all round as i was a bit hopeful with this one.

CissyMeldrum Mon 15-Jul-13 07:30:44

Sorry that you are feeling disappointed OP ,but stay positive you are probably better off finding this out now rather than later. Treat yourself to lunch and indulge in some "people watching". Good luck.

Of course. It would however been better had he had been honest and said sooner.

Its happened to me plenty of times before. im sure ill be ok. Its just a bit rubbish, thats all sad

MissStrawberry Mon 15-Jul-13 08:05:43

If he calls/texts and wants to meet up why play games by being unavailable? If you want to see him, see him. If he then makes you feel like he isn't that bothered about you and isn't giving you what you want, then call it quits. Why cut your nose off to spite your face when you like him? If you said you could meet up and then when he calls to suggest when/where and you say you can't now then he will wonder wtf is going on. I doubt he is playing games. He either doesn't want to see you again and is going about it in a cruel way or he does and he thinks all is fine. Men sometimes act differently to us. That is quite an important thing to remember.

Wowserz129 Mon 15-Jul-13 08:33:35

I can understand why you feel he is being different. I think he is no longer interested for one reason or another. If he was really into you he would have firmed up the plans by now. It takes 10 seconds to text and say lets meet at X place at Y time. I think I would cancel no matter what or it just looks like you are at his every whim. Sounds like he is a classic time waster! Onwards and upwards OP.smile

Samu2 Mon 15-Jul-13 08:45:13

I understand why you are concerned, a massive change between the tone and texts would make me wonder too.

He hasn't arrange any plans so you were obviously right, he doesn't seem like he does want to know.

His loss!!

onwards and upwards.... yes. hard to do sometimes. Ive had this happen to me 4 times since feb already. It gets very tiring.

Still not heard anything.

missmarplestmarymead Mon 15-Jul-13 09:20:48

How upsetting for you. To me, there does seem to be a change in his manner, although you did give him a chance to get out, which he declined to take and so I can see how you feel you are in No Man's Land.

Could you send him a quick text, saying that the babysitter can't come until 8.30, so would it be possible to meet him a little later or would he prefer to re-arrange? I do feel for you though.

im not texting him.
Its not going to solve anything. He KNOWS he has a date with me later, i already sent the text giving him an out. im not chasing after him anymore.

Its just so crap. I know last weeks date was good. it was just over 4 hours long. It would have been shorter if it were rubbish. A few times i said i should go, but we just carried on chatting. He turned his phone off ( which he uses for work) which he said he never does. It was a great date. I have no confusion over that. The second date was set up the same day.

Its just such a turnaround in such a short space of time. its horrible.

MorrisZapp Mon 15-Jul-13 09:42:40

Well that's all a bit crap isn't it, sorry OP.

One thing though about men who are 'too shy to make the first move'. I'd say that nine times out of ten, they're perfectly capable of making the first move.

If your guy is the one in ten who really can't, it still only applies once. After you've met and had a date, it is no longer a first move. If he fails to make contact after an enjoyable meeting where you were clear you'd like to do it again, shyness is irrelevant. He just doesn't want to do it again.

I know that sounds hard, but years of stressing over this stuff has taught me a lot. The facts are the facts.

but why didnt he take the out when i offered it to him on friday

i mean, if that was the case why didnt he just say ' yeah, lets leave it'

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 09:59:19

Because he's a coward hoping it will all blow over quietly?

I've read this thread as this happened to me so many times it was unreal. Sorry it's happened to you. It's frustrating when you've had a first date that's gone we'll and it goes cold.

I wish people (men and women) would realise that it actually hurts less to be told 'I'm sorry, you are great but it won't work out' rather than being left with nothing.

All this peetering out with contact etc is so ridiculous! I hav a male friend that does it, he reckons they will get the message and give up. It's a cruel way to treat people.

it is very hurtful, hence me sending that text, in a bid to try and stop this from happening you know. it was clear the writing was on the wall then. i just didnt want to spend another 3 days not knowing and then end up really deflated and upset on the day, as what is happening now.

Its just a really shitty thing to do.

yup he didn't want to deal with it.

we have contact!!!!!!!

CatelynStark Mon 15-Jul-13 10:09:14

Yes, it is shitty and cruel. I'm still smarting two weeks later - it was my first date in the three years since my divorce so the whole experience has sent me sloping off with my tail between my legs.

sad

CatelynStark Mon 15-Jul-13 10:09:39

Ooh! Spill!! smile

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 15-Jul-13 10:10:57

My bet is on that he was actually busy, and you are still on for later?

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 15-Jul-13 10:11:09

(Good luck, if so! Enjoy yourself smile )

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 10:11:49

But deal with what though?

I think some of these men have totally over inflated egos. It happened to me once after a text thing and a date with a friend of a friend - exactly the same as you op.

A few years later, I bumped into him at the mutual friends wedding. I was married to ex h by then so I sort of joked about what happened. He said sorry, but I didn't contact you again as I didn't want to deal with you saying you wanted to kill yourself or something because I didn't want to see you again!!

Jesus wept. I was speachless.

SaucyJack Mon 15-Jul-13 10:11:54

YANBU. My gut feeling reading this is that he's just seen someone else online that he prefers the look of, but still wants to keep you as a back up plan.

Sorry. I've done online dating meself and it really sucks.

catelyn sorry, its utterly crap. its happened to more more times than i can remember. Just recently there was one who i had a great first date with, he invited me away for the next weekend, we even spoke on the phone mid week, then when i text to firm up details, he never replied. That was bad. I was stood up 2 weeks ago.....

i dont know why people lack manners. its nasty.

anyway - hes text. finally. he will know ive seen it. and im just going to wait a little while before i reply. and he can sit and wait and wonder whats going on.

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 10:12:25

Oh gosh! What?!

and now i have an appology

CatelynStark Mon 15-Jul-13 10:14:23

I'm glad he's texted you and I hope you have a lovely time, should you choose to go smile

IWantToBeAtreee Mon 15-Jul-13 10:14:26

What an absolute wuss. Its very unmanly to let someone hang like that. Only a weak mam would do that.

You're best off out of it OP.

He's probably gay.

IWantToBeAtreee Mon 15-Jul-13 10:15:16

X posted!!

Appologised for being gay? Or appologised for not contacting you?

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 10:15:21

Is that all op? What did he apologise for?

FreckledLeopard Mon 15-Jul-13 10:15:28

I could have written this thread before. It sucks, doesn't it sad?

It really is a nasty thing to do, especially if you have to go to the trouble of finding a babysitter, and particularly since you had a good first date.

Onwards and upwards, hope you have a lovely day in the sun and that the perfect guy is just around the corner!

IWantToBeAtreee Mon 15-Jul-13 10:16:28

Id wait at least 4 hours before I replied.

differentnameforthis Mon 15-Jul-13 10:17:48

anyway - hes text. finally. he will know ive seen it. and im just going to wait a little while before i reply. and he can sit and wait and wonder whats going on

Op, do you remember how you felt when you KNEW he'd seen your texts & didn't reply? Crap, right? So why do the same to him? Sorry but you can't make a whole thread here bemoaning his lack of answering you & do the bloody same! It's childish! And as you saw yourself, guaranteed to make you lose interest!

Answer him. Don't play games

along with a message saying he didnt feel a spark.

ho hum.

differentnameforthis Mon 15-Jul-13 10:20:41

What an absolute wuss. Its very unmanly to let someone hang like that. Only a weak mam would do that

Id wait at least 4 hours before I replied

Perhaps only a weak woman would do that IWantToBeAtreee How is it OK for OP to do that to him, but weak, unmanly & the mark of a wuss for him to do it to her?

Double standards!

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 15-Jul-13 10:22:37

Oh, I'm really sorry OP.

I guess I was judging him by better standards than he actually has!

i wouldn't reply. nothing to say.

IWantToBeAtreee Mon 15-Jul-13 10:27:27

Told you.

Gay.

he could have said that last week... saved me a week of all this.

he could have said that friday when i asked ( because it was obvious)

ARealDame Mon 15-Jul-13 10:27:39

Sounds like your instincts were right.

I did some internet dating and the learning curve was steep and not very pleasant.

I def. think its much better to have more than one man as a possibility if you can; especially in the internet world, where you don't know who people really are. Focusing on one man, in any way whatsoever, until he's shown he's truly and genuinely interested, is usually self-defeating.

I think a lot of men seemed programmed to show unbridled "enthusiasm" which they are not really clear that they are actually feeling, because thats their role as men! So, take it with a pinch of salt.

I hope you're dating goes better soon x

ARealDame Mon 15-Jul-13 10:29:51

But also agree if he's a bit of a player (and internet dating is full of them) his ambivalence was also him hedging his bets, yuk but there it is.

IWantToBeAtreee Mon 15-Jul-13 10:30:29

Not double standards that's be me advisng someone who wasnt interested in a man to just stop texting til he got the hint. Id never do that. That would be double standards.

I suggested waiting until she replied (which is very different from what ge did. He didnt reply at all!) that is simply making her seem as though she is busy, not looking like she's staring at the phone.

Nothing to do with double standards, hithankoo.

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 10:32:51

Or he was already in a relationship/married.

Turning phone off on the date, no interaction at the weekend, dates for a weeknight where he could tell his oh he was working late.

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 10:33:24

But I am cynical after too much of this crap

no, he wasnt. hes been single a long time, almost 10 years, with just a one year relationship in that time.

He was really hurt he said, by his first gf and is a bit warey of women.

i did wonder how someone who seemed so nice was single, he said in the beginning how picky he was and that he doesnt usually even reply to women, let alone keep chatting. so, i should have maybe paid more attention to that

CatelynStark Mon 15-Jul-13 10:44:57

I'm so sorry, Snail. That's just shit.

oh for fucks sake now hes saying he doesnt know. that he had talked to friend as hes not sure what he wants to do. and thats why he had been weird with contact, because he was undecided.

ViviPru Mon 15-Jul-13 11:12:59

You don't need this. Leave him to it.

missmarplestmarymead Mon 15-Jul-13 11:15:39

That is really just playing games and smacks of wanting to see just how much you will take or he can get away with.

I would send him a text telling him that you have decided that it would not be a good idea to see him, wishing him all the best. if you reply in any other way, it is my opinion that you make yourself look so anxious to see him that you will put up with any old nonsense.

You have nothing invested it, so just put him and his silly game playing out of your head. He could be sending the same text to several women and just waiting to see who will put up with his antics. Don't let it be you.

he said hes just not sure, and cant decide and doesnt want to hurt me if he decides its not right but then we did get on well and he likes me so might be missing out.

ive said its a second date, its not beholden after a dinner. and that my ego doesnt really like having to persuade people into hanging out with me...

idiot

curryeater Mon 15-Jul-13 11:19:04

"i wasnt asking his intentions, i was saying if he had changed his mind it was ok and he could say so. I was giving him an out, without me having to be left hanging on not knowing whats happening. "

Right - you were taking control, acting like an adult, saying "if this isn't for you that's fine" - and he didn't take you up on it because it is important to him that he has control. I think if you carry on with this chap you will get frustrated and annoyed because he will continue to blow hot and cold because he likes controlling how much availability he gives to you (availability in all sorts of senses) - he wants you to want him and to retain the power to be "on" or "off". If you act like an adult and say "hey, we don't have to do this" he isn't going to agree and say "yep let's call it off" because he doesn't want to call it off, he wants to retain the power to keep you wondering whether he will call it off.

I don't say this because he hasn't been texting 5 times a day, which is fine for some people - but because he used to text more, explicitly said he was enjoying it to encourage text-intimacy, and now he has turned it off.

It is fine to have a relationship with someone who only uses phones to say "see you at x bar and y time" - that is not the issue - it is not fine to have a relationship with someone who uses phones to keep you guessing.

I think you should cancel the babysitter and send a brief note saying it's off - if you will have a nice evening home alone; if you are inclined to brood, keep the babysitter, cancel the date, and take a bottle of wine to a friend's.

Just read the thread.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

I know the feeling! Happened to me a few times. Nothing wrong with wanting to check if a date is still on or not.

You gave him a chance to say no and he didn't take it. I dont think you are needy or mental btw.

Davsmum Mon 15-Jul-13 11:26:48

Sounds like you are both too intense.
Why would he think it should hurt you if he decides its not right? Its a 2nd date FFS! not a 'relationship'!
Mind you - I think it probably would hurt you because your text saying you were not sure what was up, suggests you expect the worst if you don't get responses the way and when you want!

I can understand you need to be sure for arranging sitters etc - but a simple text saying 'Can we just confirm the date & time etc.. before I organise a sitter?' would have been more sensible.

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 11:29:57

OP, he sounds like a dick.

This isn't how adults behave, you know that. Your text giving him an out was reasonable. His response is not.

You could give him the benefit of the doubt. Like you said he's been single a long time.

If you do, I would make it clear that you are not up for any game playing.

curryeater... weirdly, hes had this big long chat.. and ive replied and now nothing for the last 30 mins. so i think you are actually right.
and probably have him sussed.

hes seen my messages... and not replied. and there has been no decision made about later.

Mia4 Mon 15-Jul-13 11:32:06

OP I'm sorry but this confirms what I said before about the different reactions and actions to things, this guy is wanting you to chase him, do you want to? He's a time waster, if you keep on bothering I can guarantee you you'll be posting a lot more on her with more annoyances.

Put it like this, dating at the start is the 'honeymoon period', if he's messing you around already and making it shit what hope would the rest of a relationship have?

Maybe let him go to find someone who does want to chase him and be messed around?

chansondumatin Mon 15-Jul-13 11:33:09

Just read this thread. He sounds like a self-obsessed idiot with no empathy or manners. You're better off out of it OP. Get rid.

mia - i know. which is what i suspected. Im not chasing i dont mind doing a bit of it but only if im being met halfway. he is a time waster and making so much drama out of a second date, and ive told him this, said hes really over thinking it and a second date isnt a committment. I dont want to be messed around and it really should not be this difficult at all.

Cuddlydragon Mon 15-Jul-13 11:35:43

Errr, make his mind up for him and cancel or tell him to sod off. Seriously, it's one date, he didn't feel a spark, so don't waste your time. Give him the kiss off and thank your lucky stars you're not wasting any time with him. You deserve better.

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 11:36:10

It doesn't have to be him who makes the decision.

He's got his stuff, whatever. It doesn't mean you have to accept being left to the last minute before you know what you're doing.

I don't agree that you've been too intense.

Mia4 Mon 15-Jul-13 11:39:47

watchforthesnail I'm sorry it went shit for you. How about take control and tell him to gtfo? You taking control puts him in his place, ruins his 'happy feeling' from time wasting and messing and will make you feel a lot better.

You may want to block him too though, he might become an 'unflushable'

TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 15-Jul-13 11:40:42

All I'd have to hear is 'there's no spark' and I wouldn't be replying, ever again. Can't believe he's agonising TO YOU about whether he wants to see you or not! What a nerve.

You can do better, let him mind fuck someone else.

TiggyD Mon 15-Jul-13 11:42:18

You're both making the second date out to be a drama. It should be 2 people who like each other hanging out together for a bit.
Put the ball in his court and tell him you'd like to see him again and he needs to say when and where. And try not to turn up in a wedding dress.

its now 45 mins since his last reply. infuriating. ive already deleted him from any social networking.....

tiggy - im not. ive said as much to him. its just hanging out for a second time. Im not trying to marry the dude.

he has got a bit of a cheek really.....

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 11:45:22

Actually, I think you should leave it and chalk it up to a shit experience.

If you did start seeing him could you imagine what he's be like in 6weeks, 3 months, a year? Constantly saying he's confused about his feelings and messing you around.

A second date shouldn't be this much hassle.

TiggyD Mon 15-Jul-13 11:46:06

If you've deleted him that's a signal to him you're not interested.

Relationship over.

<Ironic Gavel>

EvieanneVolvic Mon 15-Jul-13 11:48:51

I had this more times than I could count too, snail (but have now been happily married to Mr Volvic for eight years grin ) and so believe me I know your pain. Trust me the right one (or even a halfway decent person) does not play in this way.

You still have the upper hand. In your place I would treat myself to a fabulous night in with the best possible company (ie Ms Gorgeous Snail) and you can either say nothing to him and delete him from your mind or send him one last message saying something better has come up (which is the truth!!)

The right one is worth waiting for!

bullet bitten
i have sent

' i think if it requires so much thought over what you want to do its best to leave it. there really is so little need for it to be so angsty'

fuck it.

EvieanneVolvic Mon 15-Jul-13 11:51:36

Superb! You have called the final shot whilst ever so delicately telling him he's a bit of a twat. Nice one. The guy who snaffles you will be lucky indeed!

HappyAsEyeAm Mon 15-Jul-13 11:52:32

My response would be along the lines of "I'm sorry that you're unsure about me. Let me make it easier for you - after what you've said, I'm decided about you. Lets leave it there.". Onwards and upwards!

HappyAsEyeAm Mon 15-Jul-13 11:53:14

Cross posts, OP. I like your response smile

Cuddlydragon Mon 15-Jul-13 11:58:35

Great response.

Cailinsalach Mon 15-Jul-13 11:59:11

Good for you, Watchfor. He does sound like a bit of a prima donna diva fecker type.

Davsmum Mon 15-Jul-13 11:59:51

All this drama about a second date!
Life is too short.
Do not chase people!

chansondumatin Mon 15-Jul-13 12:03:09

Perfect response. Hope he squirms.

diddl Mon 15-Jul-13 12:09:05

That sounds like the correct response.

Although I can't help think that you started the Angst with the asking what was up.

erm, now this....
hes said ' id not seen the messages, ive a work experience lad in, i think maybe skip it as i dont think im the right onefor you. im hard work and not great at this dating stuff and im never sure about brining somone in. maybe its just me and im going to miss out on something great but i dont want to waste your time

and then
i dont know what i want i just feel like i needed more of a connection after our first meetiing to committ more of my time. i also now feel from a couple of my responses that you are getting irrated by me already ;(

wt actual fuck

curryeater Mon 15-Jul-13 12:13:04

Block. Boring self absorbed loser.

and then hes said he feels bad and is more hastle than he is worth and its no wonder why he is single.

i have replied and said that i might tend to agree smile

curryeater Mon 15-Jul-13 12:13:52

THE END. do not engage any further. He wants your pity. You have better things to do with your energies. Move on. Nothing to see here.

chansondumatin Mon 15-Jul-13 12:14:48

"Commit more of my time"?! What an arrogant arse.

jesus, what the hell is wrong with people.

i wont engage again.. but fucks sake.

missmarplestmarymead Mon 15-Jul-13 12:16:35

Please do not reply any more to him, unless it is to text: Message Deleted. He really does seem to think that he is some sort of prize and must think very carefully before bestowing himself.

he does. he really does

loon.

just another in a long stream of them.

CatelynStark Mon 15-Jul-13 12:18:01

Oh what a twat he is! I'd just ignore him now, Snail - he's way too much like hard work and he's just spoilt it completely.

I think you've had a lucky escape there!

EvieanneVolvic Mon 15-Jul-13 12:18:43

What's up Snail Seems to me like you're getting a lot of support....

OTheHugeManatee Mon 15-Jul-13 12:19:03

Wow, real emotional vampire, this one. He's trying to reel you back in now.

Text back 'Obviously my last text wasn't clear enough. I don't want to meet you for any more dates. Have a nice life.'

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 15-Jul-13 12:19:06

Sensible move, he sounds very self absorbed and there are big red flags there.

Hope you meet someone nicer smile

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 15-Jul-13 12:19:49

Glad he showed his arsehole colours early smile

EvieanneVolvic Mon 15-Jul-13 12:19:50

Sorry...I've just realised that when you said 'what's wrong with people' you meant him! blush

MsCellophane Mon 15-Jul-13 12:22:28

Just found this - firstly, you are not needy (not sure about the mental smile )

He sounds like a bit of a tosser - way too much hard work

But I will say you can see the people who have/are dating in today's climate and the ones who aren't - dating today is very different to how it was and it's very confusing most of the time

Shame about this one but at least you know now and fairly early on

Shrugged Mon 15-Jul-13 12:28:49

OP, I think you sound nice, and a bit weary of this stuff, not surprisingly. Now, I know taking advice from random internet strangers is not very logical, but please listen when I say 'Please don't text Mr Unsure again!'

Honestly, he sounds about fifteen, and as if he's sitting about in his bedroom moaning into his diary and experimenting with facial hair.

volvic - yes, i did smile not everyone else. lol I was aware it wasnt me in the wrong in the first place anyway smile

its the ' i can tell you are getting irrated by me already' thats made me annoyed, i mean, what the hell does he expect when hes gone on about how unsure he is of if he wants to see me again???? what planet is he on?

cheers cello smile

mental indeed.... one day someone will appreciate my quirkness. probably. maybe. haha

Hes still reply. its got very woe is me.

i have replied. only to say ' why are you stll messaging me'

hes 31, he has 3 kids, one of which is 14... ( he knows this isnt a great selling point) but hes got his own business, and a beach hut and seemed ' nice' what with his work for charity and how he seemed to put his kids first... so i was ok to overlook the gingerness and the fact hes 5'6.
Insane man.

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 12:38:07

Dear god, he's still messaging you?!

I bet he listens to the smiths in a dark room.

I would expect someone with three children to be a bit more grown up in their actions to be honest.

i know.

clearly not.

AmbrosiaCreamedMice Mon 15-Jul-13 12:39:57

Knobber. Lucky escape.

SelectAUserName Mon 15-Jul-13 12:42:30

Whatever he texts back, if he does, just ignore. Ignore ignore ignore. So long as you're still replying, even if it's to say "we're done" or "stop texting" he's still getting a response, still feels in control and you're still giving him headspace.

Delete his messages and number off your phone, get back on the horse and hope that the next one is from Planet Grown-Up.

just thinking, i did match.com on a 3 days free thing.
for all people say about men on paid sites being more serious...

i had;
1) man who seemed really great, and then turned out to be a ghosthunting, mad, keyboard warrier with 17 fb pages where he was friends with himself.

2) the one that was keen as hell then stood me up

3) the ginger morrisey.

way to go match. com for your vast selection of elligable and non weird men hmm

curryeater Mon 15-Jul-13 12:47:17

Oi, less of the gingerism!
See I knew he would be all over the situation if you pulled away. That is not at all what he wants. Still, tough that - as it is what you want.

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 12:47:43

There are some really strange people on dating sites.

I had one a few years back who took me to dinner at a frankie and be nhs because his ex was a waitress and was working there that night. He kept trying to kiss me every time she walked by and then they started s joint at each other. I left out of sheer embarrassment and he did t even notice.

What a twat. You handled it well watch

I found dh on match. He is quite wierd tho smile

poopyisapig Mon 15-Jul-13 12:48:30

Frankie and bennys, not nhs. Stupid autocorrect.

frissonpink Mon 15-Jul-13 12:52:19

Sorry..he's just not that into you..

Sounds like a lucky escape!

Next!

frankie and nhs could be a new thing smile

oh well, least im no longer hurt and upset. just peeved.

AND of course i know my instincts are right and something was up... so boo ya to those that said it was me.

I dont mind a bit of ginger... that was a tongue in cheek statement...smile

if he wasnt that into me he wouldnt now be messaging....

he wants me to beg/ chase/ do something. sadly im not going to.

CatelynStark Mon 15-Jul-13 12:59:09

Good for you!

Being peeved is far better than being hurt. He's a twonk. You're fab! Stuff him! smile

NandH Mon 15-Jul-13 12:59:39

What on earth shock

Is dating reallyyyyyy that hard! Dammm count me out for a long whileeee!

I hope you get better luck and less weirdo's soon OP!

frissonpink Mon 15-Jul-13 13:00:42

if he wasnt that into me he wouldnt now be messaging....

Really. He isn't. And he would. Men are weird!

If he was into you, you wouldn't be in all kinds of mental anguish about what the hell he's thinking about/why he's texting/why he's not texting/how long since the last text/is itok to text him back now...Exhausting shit.

If he was into you, it would be easy.

Best advice I was ever given. NEXT! Move it on girl!

chansondumatin Mon 15-Jul-13 13:01:31

You just need to relax, secure in the knowledge that it is likely to be At Least another ten years before this sorry waste of space finds someone worthy of the honour of being his girlfriend.

Buy yourself some fizz so you can spend the evening toasting your lucky escape.

nandh. its worse. this hasnt been THAT much drama...That was my last ditch attempt for a while because it does get tiring.

i think i reached my weirdo quota a long time ago, but just for fun ive got a few extras or something. If you met me you would be as confused about it as i am, as im lovely smile and not bad looking either

I don't think it's a question of whether he's into watch or not. It's a question of twat or not. He's a twat.

chans- yeah, course smile however, the flip side of that is ive been single for nearly 5 years, because these are the sorts of men that are single. lol
catch 22

formicadinosaur Mon 15-Jul-13 13:05:08

You sound really demanding and hard work. Sometimes people are just busy and need to crack on with things.

Did you read the thread Formica?

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 13:07:43

nonsense.

formica - yeah tis all my fault. must have scared him off... poor man.
hmm

CatelynStark Mon 15-Jul-13 13:13:09

Oh FFS! RTFT! Sheesh!!

formicadinosaur Mon 15-Jul-13 13:21:05

The new rules, the dos and don'ts for the digital generation

You need to get this book from amazon. It will tell you what you are doing wrong.

peggyundercrackers Mon 15-Jul-13 13:26:31

sorry im with formica - you sound hard work. if i was on the other end of your txt messages as soon as you sent the get out of jail free txt - i would be thinking your not that into the date and are not the fun happy person i want to be with and would switch off from there because you are already speaking about getting out.

your first date sounded pretty casual and your second even more so but i think you were expecting more.

megsmouse Mon 15-Jul-13 13:27:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formicadinosaur Mon 15-Jul-13 13:28:34

He does sound like a tit but if this sort of thing is happening regularly it might be good to do things a little different

Hopingitwillallbefine Mon 15-Jul-13 13:28:36

I hate the notion that women have to learn what they are "doing wrong" with men in relationships and should learn how to behave properly so that men will like us! Just be yourself and try not to over think things - if he likes you (and is not a twat) and you like him, things will progress in a stress free way. Simple.
Sorry OP I posted yesterday to say I thought you were over thinking it - looks like your instinct was right. He sounds like a waste of time and energy, when you meet the right guy it will feel easy and that's how you'll know.

im not doing anything ' wrong' and im not needy. but cheers for that hmm

Feminine Mon 15-Jul-13 13:31:36

I've just read all of your tread.

I don't think you did anything wrong...dating has moved on a lot since my day!

But...stop it with the mean ginger comments. You let yourself down there!

Good luck in the future.

more so since his last message was that he thinks he needs to look at himself and have a proper think about what he wants in life.

so, clearly NOT my problems or anything i have done wrong.

Feminine Mon 15-Jul-13 13:32:29

*thread.

i was joking about the ginger comment.

i fancy tim minchin. hes ginger. it was tongue in cheek and ive already said that.

Feminine Mon 15-Jul-13 13:37:38

Ok. then. I didn't get that from your comments however.

Anyway...hope you have a bit more luck soon! smile

EvieanneVolvic Mon 15-Jul-13 13:39:48

when you meet the right guy it will feel easy and that's how you'll know.

^^^^^^^^^^

THIS with knobs on! grin

its just the eleventy million wrong ones before that that cause the issues

anywho, ive blocked and deleted him from everything.

lemonmuffin Mon 15-Jul-13 14:12:11

This again?

How many more times are you going to post threads like this Watch.

probably loads.

until i meet someone that isnt a weirdo.

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 14:21:47

When it's right, you won't have to talk about it - dissect every last detail - with anyone.

EvieanneVolvic Mon 15-Jul-13 14:22:13

Another good response Snail You're not rationed!

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 14:24:39

Sorry but the 'I need to have a think about things' usually means they're just not into you. And that's ok! People are polite but I wish everyone would be honest. Nothing wrong with saying, 'Hey great to meet you but I wasn't really feeling it so I won't waste your time. Good luck with other dates though!'

I never wasted time chatting online though so maybe I'm just a bit more confident. Quick exchange of messages and then onto the pub! Worked for me anyway grin

MissStrawberry Mon 15-Jul-13 14:25:27

I think you have both handled this wrong and made it a huge deal. Many !!!!!!! after saying he has made contact it making this in to something a teenager would recognise.

If you think you are worth something special then act it. Don't send crazy chase up texts. Don't send throwing your toys out of the pram texts and just be.

FWIW DH and I met threw the mail (remember that?) and spoke on the phone a lot. Decided to meet. Did. Talked every day after that. Really easy. No angst. No mobiles at first. Met up twice a week. Together 17 years, married for 1, children, animals etc. Just really really easy and no drama. When it is right it just is. It just works.

MissStrawberry Mon 15-Jul-13 14:26:53

through not threw.

out - ive done that too. ive tired lots of different ways. after the last 6 months of disasters where you keep thinking its got as bad as it can, then it gets worse. i thought if go with a paid site and some chatting to try and suss them out a bit first.

haha, yeah,, that didnt work. its all down to a bit of luck and meeting the right person at the right time. Clearly this bloke was because hes odd and thats fine.

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 14:32:01

Why are they 'disasters'? Maybe it would help you stress less if you didn't consider every date that didn't progress, a disaster? They're just dates where there wasn't any chemistry. And that's ok!

Do you have friends that could see you up with friends?

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 14:32:25

Why are they 'disasters'? Maybe it would help you stress less if you didn't consider every date that didn't progress, a disaster? They're just dates where there wasn't any chemistry. And that's ok!

Do you have friends that could see you up with friends?

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 14:33:33

And you are totally right - it is luck!

formicadinosaur Mon 15-Jul-13 14:39:09

I think texting 10 times a day is bombarding someone.

oh, they are disasters, because there was the grannyshagger. there was the one who i thought might have been married that strung me on for ages, then vanished pre date. there was the one that stood me up there was the insane ghosthunter who i cancelled on because meeting him would have been foolish. There was the one who turned out to have only have dated and slept with me, because he was an actual stalker ( for about 8 years) of someone i used to see and was good friends with. There was the one before that who vanished the day before i was due to go to his for the weekend ( second date in) there was the one who went too fast and then ran away as fast as he could. and the one with the knitted tie. If it had just been dates and then it didnt go anywhere thats cool and different to the unfounded disaster area ive had the last 6 months.

noone has any single friends my age. ive asked.

Ragwort Mon 15-Jul-13 14:43:47

Why waste all your time and energy (and probably money) on dating sites and 'trying to find someone'. Get some hobbies, enjoy your interests, make friends that way (the old fashioned way grin) - you may meet someone, you may not but at least you will be enjoying yourself and keeping busy rather than endlessly focussing on 'meeting Mr Right'. That's how I met my DH - and we still have the same hobby grin.

Surely after all the dating angst you've had you don't want to carry on, you make yourself look desperate.

i dont pay.... my match. com was a freebie. i have lots of hobbies and interests and friends. i am also enjoying myself and am busy and its not the sole focus of my life.

ive just not lucked out and met anyone in any of those situations. that does not mark me as desperate because i continue to put myself out there.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Mon 15-Jul-13 14:55:07

This is exactly why I've given up on online dating. Just an endless procession of oddballs, covert marrieds looking for a bit on the side, and time wasters. I'd love to meet the right guy but I've basically given up on the idea because online dating is so annoying.
You have my sympathies, Watch. If you find a good source of lovely genuine single men, please let me know!

TiffanyAtBreakfast Mon 15-Jul-13 16:45:35

MissStrawberry, it's delightful that you met your DH so easily. It doesn't fall into everyone's lap in quite the same way though.

Some of my best friends met their current long term partners online, and they had plenty of hobbies and lived very full lives. Just very busy ones where they hadn't met anyone special, so they looked online. It's not an ideal situation but it's not much different to meeting someone on a night out really - You might introduce yourselves without really taking in what they're like, exchange numbers, chat a bit via text/email/fb until someone gets up the courage to suggest a date, and the rest is history.

I think it must be hard not to see every date as a big deal when you're eager to meet someone nice and you've been chatting to them for ages.

Agree with those saying it shouldn't be this angsty with a guy, he should want to talk to you and see you. To be honest though I would have been put off by every single thing he said about not knowing what he wanted and you finding him irritating etc blah. Can't deal with needy men.

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 16:52:39

The OP was put off by those. He didn't come out with them until today.

yes, i was put off by those, they didnt happen until today.
What he said since was he likes to be in his comfort zone and not step out of the box. All the angst has come from him... id just been led into a path of confusion by someone who had no idea what they wanted. Not my fault.

and of course its all very easy when its someone who likes you, ive had that in the past, ive not been single my entire life.... but its not always like that and you are basing that on the fact that everyone you meet is 1- going to want a relationship with you 2- is honest 3- is not a loon.

ive just not come across that combo before.

MissStrawberry Mon 15-Jul-13 17:31:18

TiffanyATBrakfast - my point, which you appear to have missed, was if it is right it is easy and if it brings worry, upset and angst then they probably aren't the one for you.

which he wasnt. but its not anything ive done. You said ive handled it wrong, i cant see actually how ive done anything different to what you did, we chatted, we met, he went weird, i picked up on it and now its done.

you just had a different ending because your guy was interested not a loon

elastamum Mon 15-Jul-13 17:43:55

Its not you its def them! (he sounds a bit of a prat TBH)

I think the people on here throwing such casual critisism have probably never tried internet dating. It is a minefield (I met my DP through the internet).

The ONLY point I do agree with, is that if you happen to meet the right person - a long shot I know - then it is easy. And if they mess you around at the start, walk away fast as it never gets any better smile

KateMiddletonsMum Mon 15-Jul-13 21:06:39

I'm sorry he turned out to be a twunt. You sound like a cool chick, they are missing out, all those single men. It'll happen for you, when you least expect it!
What about eharmony, they seem to be more grown up?(disclaimer : I met a weirdo on there as well as match!!)

allaflutter Tue 16-Jul-13 22:16:48

OP, have you met anyone who's not weird or a twat online? If not, maybe you need to learn to recognise these timewasters from their profiles. I mean, this one was already obviously odd and had issues with confidence and with knowing what he wants - by saying that he would never initiate contact with a woman. don't ignore these things next time!

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