To wonder when my dh will tell me..

(76 Posts)
Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 13:54:56

That he has a savings account with the lads for a holiday to Las Vegas. I found out this morning about the account but have no idea when he intends on going or for how long. We have a ds in school and I work shifts so am assuming he intends for me to take holidays to get ds to and from school.

I wouldn't mind if he had discussed his plans with me but feel like he has really taken the piss by not even telling me. Aibu or not?

YouTheCat Fri 12-Jul-13 13:58:55

YANBU - tell him you know and ask him when it is. Also point out that you can't guarantee getting the time off so he might have to cancel, which is his own fault for not laying the plans past you first to see when was convenient.

squeakytoy Fri 12-Jul-13 14:01:36

How do you know that it is specifically for that reason?

Also, if you were saving your own money towards a trip with your mates, and the money wasnt leaving the family pot short, would you expect to be confronted about it?

YouTheCat Fri 12-Jul-13 14:06:50

But Squeaky, how is she supposed to magic up time off/child care if she hasn't even been told when this trip is happening?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Jul-13 14:07:00

He certainly has. That's outrageous.

How did you find out?

I suggest saying something along the lines of, - about your savings account for your trip to las vegas, I think it's only fair that we match whatever you put in there for your trip with the same amount in a savings account for me to take a trip when you get back.

Matter of fact, non accusatory, simple expectation of fairness.

His response will determine how you proceed, I don't know if you agree.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:07:06

I was using his phone when a text came up from his friend about putting money into the lads Las Vegas trip. It's not the point he is going away that I have an issue with he can do what he wants with his money. It's the fact this has all been discussed an arranged without even telling me about it that has annoyed me

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Jul-13 14:09:59

I bloody would expect to be challenged on it if I was saving it without saying anything and planning on springing it on my partner god knows when and with the expectation that they'd rearrange everything to compensate.

I would be sorely tempted to find out the dates from one of the other partners and arrange something for that date. Whoever puts the dates in the diary first wins, right?

Don't play games, just ask him!!! For all you know it could be 2 years away or something and he may think it won't even happen.

Don't get your knickers in a twist until you know exactly what he is doing!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 12-Jul-13 14:19:16

YANBU. I'd be pissed off. Also with the assumption he has that you'll just take time off.

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 14:20:34

I think it's only fair that we match whatever you put in there for your trip with the same amount in a savings account for me to take a trip when you get back.

I would have thought that that would depend on how the OP and her husband arrange their finances.

If they put it all into a joint account, then allocate each other, say, fifty quid a week spending money, and hubby is saving some of that, then I don't see why he should have to match it for his wife to take a trip when he gets back. She can save her own.

That's not how our finances are arranged, but it seems to be quite common from threads I have read.

On the other hand, it's taking the piss to make this sort of plan behind his wife's back. My first thought is that he expects her not to approve, so he is planning to present her with it once it's all booked and planned, so that when she objects, he can point out that not to go would mean that the money was spent for nothing.

mirai Fri 12-Jul-13 14:20:47

If he's your DH then it's not his money though, is it? Unless you have the same amount as him to play with each month?

mirai Fri 12-Jul-13 14:23:04

I think it's only fair that we match whatever you put in there for your trip with the same amount in a savings account for me to take a trip when you get back.

Absolutely this.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:24:59

We each have our own accounts but I work part time. It's really not the money I don't expect him to pay for me to have a trip it's just it all being done behind my back. He has done this type of thing before and we have had discussions about the fact I would rather he kept me in the loop with things like planned trips away. We see little enough of him as it is.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 12-Jul-13 14:26:15

What is his reasoning for planning things like this behind your back?

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 14:27:45

When you put it like that, Broodymomma, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

I would let DW know my plans as soon as possible, even for so much as a night out with friends. And that is without any kids to worry about.

I wouldn't ask about matching contributions if I were you. Just tell him you're extremely pissed off about not being kept informed about his plans.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:33:02

That's all I'm asking badlad. It comes down to stupid little things like golfing on my weekend off and telling me about it the night before. Just often leaves a taste in my mouth that I am like the hired help that will do everything around here and make sure our ds is ok when he fits us in around everything else . Just peed off that he thinks so little of me. Last time he done something like this re a trip away I found out through one of his pals wife's. it is embarrassing.

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:33:23

I'm with Mrs TP on this. Find out the dates and book yourself up. Luckily the money he is setting aside already accounts for not just an awesome lads holiday but childcare too, right? :D

Seems to be a respect issue to me. Does he think you're his mum or something, just there to look after the littlest and clean stuff? Making massive assumptions here that you work part time so do the majority of childcare and domestic tasks.

TalkativeJim Fri 12-Jul-13 14:33:44

Well when he asks, say no - I won't be covering childcare for that particular trip, as I don't appreciate the fact you've planned, saved and arranged a whole trip but left the telling me bit until now. If I'm so insignificant that my possible plans or even simple courtesy to me don't figure in the calculations, then you can damn well do it all without my input.

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:35:17

Sorry momma cross posted. He's being a bit of a dick. Why isn't he thinking of you? Put yourself first. It doesn't sound like he will. Or has.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:35:18

No idea pobble - he probably thinks its less hassle to tell me about it nearer the time. However the only reason there is ever hassle is because he never tell me and I end up finding out from someone else. He has a lovely group of pals I ha e no issue with him going away. I do think Las Vegas is excessive but it's his money.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:38:04

Yes purrpurr I do absolutely everything. He started up 2 new businesses last year so is rarely here and when he is he is working. It's rare for us to get time together. We are going away on holiday this week but I so pissed off now I don't even want to go. It's like I'm always an after thought.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:38:56

And no point in double booking he would simply get his mum to watch ds.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Jul-13 14:39:08

Don't you both see money coming into the house as family money, OP? A trip to Vegas would be expensive - would you be able to do that if you wanted to (taking your child out of the equation)?

In that case your issues are bigger than just LV. You do everything, he arranges things without telling you, you both think of 'his' money as just belonging to him (even though, presumably, your childcare enables his work). It all sounds very unbalanced.

Unless he is paying you, he is not treating you as the hired help. He is treating you worse.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:44:09

Lol I can't afford Blackpool on my wage. We are saving all the extra money we can to put towards our mortgage. Or so I thought. Don't get me wrong dh earns 3 times as much as me but if I needed extra he would give me it. There is no issue there. Just wish he would consider me and ds more.

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:45:14

What's the problem with his mum watching ds? Then you could have a break too. It might give you the strength to address why your OH is being a dick.

I am bit puzzled about the "its his money approach" too. I am the main earner and DH is self employed. I wouldn't allocate a large chunk of my earnings to something solely for my benefit without a family discussion. The only situation where this would be OK (which might be what you do) is if you both get the same amount of "pocket money" each month and he has saved up his for this.

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 14:48:46

There's something wrong if you can't afford Blackpool and he can afford Las Vegas. I know you said there was no issue with money, but something seems amiss. It might not be him keeping it all for himself, but at the very least it looks like you have different ideas about how much to spend and how much to save, and that can be a world of problems in itself.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:53:41

No issue with his mum watching ds she helps us out a lot when we need her. Just wouldn't book a break away at same time assuming she would have him she has a life too. Also we have another on the way shortly and not knowing when this holiday is or for how long has pissed me off.

We don't have joint accounts or wages. Everything comes out his account and I pay a set amount in there each month appropriate to our wage difference to cover my share. What's left in our own accounts is ours to do as we wish.

He works 24/7 in order to earn what he does and afford trips like he is planning however what he forgets is a facilitate that by doing everything else to keep the family home going. He does nothing. Where it was fine when the extra money was going towards the family home I don't think it's justified to take large amounts of it for such an expensive trip when I am left home holding the fort

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:59:57

Momma, you need to talk to him. The whole situation sounds horrible. His life appears to be entirely unchanged by the arrival of DS and he's got a significantly higher quality of life than you do. This is not how it should be.

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 15:04:04

Where it was fine when the extra money was going towards the family home I don't think it's justified to take large amounts of it for such an expensive trip when I am left home holding the fort

I don't think so either, and nor does anyone on the thread.

Now you need to tell him.

Lots of issues to talk about. He is taking the piss completely by making plans of this scale behind your back. It isn't fair that there is such an apparent discrepancy in the spending money. He isn't appreciating what you do around the house. He isn't spending enough family time if he is working around the clock to go on holiday without his family.

I work long hours and earn around 8x what DH does, even if I pay all the bills I still have more money left each month than he would. I couldn't justify spending that on myself and leaving him with less.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 16:18:50

He sounds like a selfish twat, actually who views you as little more than a domestic appliance

Like a faithful old washing machine that will still be rumbling away in the background, keeping the wheels of family life turning while he does as he pleases

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 16:50:46

That's sums up how he has made me feel. Part of me wants to let it run to see when he will tell me but not sure i could hold my tongue that long

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 16:56:57

I wouldn't hold my tongue

How demeaning that you find these things out from others angry

Squitten Fri 12-Jul-13 17:01:19

I wouldn't be holding my tongue. I would be absolutely furious!

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 17:16:31

I am furious but have been here before regardless of what is said he will go if he wants to. I am more upset than angry now as It feels like he does not value me in the slightest. Pissed off now that I spent 2 hours getting all his holiday stuff ready for him as he is working until we go however he is managing a full day of golf on Sunday. Just lobbed the lot back in his drawers he can do it his bloody self.

Squitten Fri 12-Jul-13 17:20:16

Sounds like you need to have a long conversation about where things are going here. Are you prepared to accept living like this forever?

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 17:25:17

It's who he is. Have lived like this for 14 years we have. Child and soon to have another. I honestly don't think he understands the problem and why something like this would upset me. I have tried to spell it out but it doesn't change. Everything else between us is great and I am happy enough with how things are. I want to see him succeed and I get the balance I like between work and enough time with my son. I just wish he would be less selfish with things like this and value me as a partner more.

I think you should do this to him. Book yourself a day out somewhere or a girls weekend and tell him at the very last minute. See how he reacts.

CHJR Fri 12-Jul-13 18:27:00

Could this not be something his mates suggested last night, and the message that came in on phone this a.m. was a first follow-up? I do think it's weird for a DH to put away money, and to plan a holiday, without telling DP, but maybe he just hasn't committed yet or had time to ask you? YANBU to check with him but don't despair of a reasonable answer.

holidaysarenice Fri 12-Jul-13 18:35:37

Tbh I think it comes to this, if you wanted to go to vegas would he yap if you took the money out?

Also is it easier not to tell you than listen to a whinge about it?

Is dp, ds's father because that is a different way of looking at childcare?

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 18:36:40

No it's not a recent thing by the sound of the text been paying in for a while and the account is all set up. His fried had text saying he needed to withdraw some if the money he had put into their Las Vegas trip account (125) ad he would repay it next month wanted my dh to cosign for him to withdraw it. So no I don't think sadly its a recent thing.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 18:38:10

Yes I totally think he feels its easier just not to tell me and yes he is ds's father. To make it worse have had ds all upset this afternoon at not having seen his dad all week

libertine73 Fri 12-Jul-13 18:44:43

I (would like to ) think that he thinks it's going to come to nothing, or has no intention of going, and is just waiting for the right time to tell 'the lads'.
Otherwise, he's being a sneaky bastard if nothing more sinister. I can never imagine my DP doing anything like this, and would be gutted at the deceit.

Tackle him IMO ask him WTF is going on? not in all guns blazing,let him explain, he must have an explanation or he's a twat?!

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 19:04:21

I know him well was probably his idea.

Bearbehind Fri 12-Jul-13 19:29:48

This is all a bit weird. Aside from deliberately hiding this from you, why would he want to spend that kind of money on a lads holiday when he is a husband and father of 2.

I mean if it were a stag do or something then that's not so bad but a trip to Vegas won't be cheap and the fact he wants to do that with his mates rather than something with his family rings alarm bells to me.

Sounds to me like he doesn't take any of his responsibilites seriously.

He lies by omission, favours himself financially, doesn't prioritise spending time with the children and expects you ( or his mum) to pick up the childcare and home duties. There is more to contributing to the family than providing a pay packet!

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 20:16:30

I know you are all right. He is home now can't even speak to him am so hurt, I predict as soon as its mentioned he will go in a strop and just ride it out. No matter what I say he will go. Just can't face the argument I know will come. Have come up to bed just said I was tired. Can't even look at him am so annoyed.

Ds was begging him for a new game when he got in and he said no almost chocked when ds said "daddy haven't you got any savings" - ironic!!

wineandroses Fri 12-Jul-13 20:30:17

Oh for goodness sake - talk to him!

It must be very upsetting for you.

One possible approach might be a fairness one. Tell him that spare money gets split in three: one third for his trips; one third for you; one third for family stuff/ children. If he objects to this you would have strong grounds for tackling him for prioritising himself.

We do not have shared finances although we do have a joint account that we use for certain things. This is to help keep family money separate from DH's business as he is self employed. I do have to resist the urge to see the money left in my account as mine rather than family. DH knows how much I earn, what is in the savings accounts and we agree budgets for thing like holidays.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 20:39:35

You sound like a complete doormat

You daren't even tackle him about it

What a way to live sad

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 20:41:57

Anyfucker there is really no need for that I intend to speak to him about it tomorrow when ds has gone to his grans. I know exactly how he will react and I do not want to discuss it when ds is around. Thanks for your input.

tbh since you've already had these conversations and nothing has changed i wouldn't tackle him about it now.

i'd wait until he brought it up and then do absolutely nothing to facilitate it. state that you thought you were clear that you don't like him not telling you and yet he's done it again. he will have to sort his own arrangements out.

as for packing his bags like his mummy, fuck that shit. stop picking up after him and make him act like an adult.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 20:50:18

Thanks Claude. Was doing him a favour would not normally pack for him but trust me its been undone and I won't be doing anything for him from now on if this is the way it's going to be. I have my reasons for trying to keep it calm right now none of them are about being a doormat.

Certainly could not sit and be played for an idiot and will have to tell him I know all about it. Will also be dropping the news to his friends wives too as am pretty sure she does not know either

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 20:58:33

I'm not wrong though, am I ?

libertine73 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:01:07

Well, if that's the case, your OH is a total cunt.

what has he got that makes this worth it?

DfanjoUnchained Fri 12-Jul-13 21:03:20

He sounds like a prick.

I'm glad you chucked all his clothes back, let him do his own shit.

Please' don't spend 2 hours arranging his clothes when he gives you such little respect.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 21:09:40

Anyfucker no you are probably not wrong in all honesty. I have supported him all the way in getting his businesses off the ground and in doing so appear to have become a doormat in his eyes. That has become very clear today.

Libertine - we generally knock along very well together and what we have works until he does something like this and let's me see where I am working towards a good future for our family he is taking the utter piss. It makes me look at him in a different light totally and trust me he will now wake up to just how much I do around here because it stops for him today.

Dfanjo the only time I spent on his holiday clothes today were putting them all back in the Wong drawers. Simple pleasures and all that!

DfanjoUnchained Fri 12-Jul-13 21:11:44

Seems like you do a lot for him but it isn't reciprocated much, do you think this is true?

Maybe when you tell him you know about his 'secret escape' with the lads, it would be a good time to raise how you've been feeling lately?

If he sulks then leave him to it and ignore.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 21:11:56

I am sorry. I don't wish to make you feel worse, but this is how it looks from the outside.

Why do you let someone treat you like that? Are you frightened of him ? I can't think of any other reason not to confront him and insist on your equal rights in this relationship.

RandomMess Fri 12-Jul-13 21:12:59

I can't believe he is planning a holiday with mates away anywhere when you will be left with 2 dc to look after...

His lack of respect for you is just awful and shocking tbh sad

libertine73 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:14:31

Love, I get you, knocking along can work for ages but he really is taking the piss now isn't he?

Glad you're going to make a stand,because if you swallow this you will swallow anything flowers

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 21:14:45

No need to aplogise. Not in the slightest frightened of him. He is a selfish stupid git at times but nothing sinister. It's probably my fault I have allowed it to get like this but as I said before he had a very heavy year starting up new businesses that I felt were to benefit our family so I picked up the slack here in order for him to c

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 21:16:55

Woops. Concentrate on getting them off the ground. Looks like he has got way too used to it and he is in for a shock. Have had a hell of a time lately with family issues also and sometimes it's easier not to sweat the little things but when you open your eyes and see someone totally takes you for granted its hurtful. If I spoke to him tonight when I feel emotional i will just loose it. Tomorrow is a new day!

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 21:18:10

Glad to see you are going to stand up for yourself

I presume you "knock along together" when he gets his own way though. Expect a rough ride when you take his sweeties away.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 21:25:15

I can handle it. I know I'm not wrong so he can have a strop all he likes. I thought about it today and know I do not want my son growing up thinking this is how you treat a woman. Makes me sick. His pal who is supposed to be going with him is coming here on Sunday to collect him for a golf day am in two minds wether to have the conversation tomorrow or wait till Sunday and as they are leaving say oh when is it you are off to Las Vegas then you pair of dicks. Think they have watched too many bloody hangover movies.

clam Fri 12-Jul-13 21:25:21

I'm sorry to say this but I think this boys' trip is the least of your worries.
"I predict as soon as its mentioned he will go in a strop and just ride it out. No matter what I say he will go."

K8Middleton Fri 12-Jul-13 21:37:12

Oooh I would still pack for him. I would pack:

A large winter coat.
All his socks.
Tooth brush.

Nothing else. No pants, no deodorant, no swimwear, no shaving stuff. Nada.

TalkativeJim Fri 12-Jul-13 21:40:20

Do you know, the only way you might get through to this absolute jerk is to make him see what he might lose.

Don't go on the holiday.


Say you've had enough of being in a sham of a partnership and rip the tickets up. No, don't say 'but what about DS'- drawing your line in the sand here will stand him in better stead than any holiday.

Tell him you'd rather have the time alone to think about what you want. Because you have had enough of being treated like a cross between a housekeeper and a family pet, and you think it might be time to call it a day unless things change.

I would not be able to pretend that this situation was a relationship in any real sense.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 21:42:36

Don't be sorry clam I posted here for honest opinions. I know what everyone sayinv is right it's just sometimes hard to open your eyes to things you have let slide for a easy life.

Like the idea of the winter jumper and socks!! The fucker can do without a toothbrush though.

Bearbehind Fri 12-Jul-13 21:50:51

I definitely wouldn't have it out with him in front of his mates. You will be completely on the back foot after your initial comment and airing your relationship issues in front of others really isn't going to help.

He's wrong, you are right. Don't give him wriggle room.

RandomMess Fri 12-Jul-13 21:58:41

I've been thinking and I would either let him take ds on holiday without you, or go on holiday with ds without your dh whichever you would enjoy the most.

Tell him this is what it's like when people make plans without consulting their partner and equal...

CuppaTeaForTheBigFella Sat 13-Jul-13 11:03:37

Have you spoken to him yet OP?

I've been brooding over this thread. What it comes down to, for me, is that I just can't imagine going on a jolly to Las Vegas while my partner, lover and the other parent of my children 'can't afford Blackpool'. It's just wrong and if he can't see it, he is wrong too.

I hope you spoke to him and explained what a ball of hair in the drain of marriage he is being.

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