to be dreading the school summer holidays? they make me feel lonely :((62 Posts)
my dcs are 4 and 7
i always feel like everyone else will be having loads of fun days out and meet ups and generally hanging out with their friends and their friends dcs
we haven't really got anyone like that, and dh works FT so its just going to be the 3 of us most days (i work 1 - 2 days a week)
i always thought before i had kids that when i had them i would automatically meet loads of other mums and have this amazing social life, but it just has never happened for me
I dread taking the dc out because I know I will be surrounded by groups of mums - some of whom stare because I am by myself.
I just think I'm not very good socially and have given up trying to change it.
No advice, sorry. Just wanted you to know you are not the only one.
Have you tried a mumsnet local meet up? There's a lot of parents like you so you could always ask if anyone wants a meet up. What about a 'bring a plate' meet up in the park? Children get to play, you get to natter so it's a win win situation.
I dread taking the dc out because I know I will be surrounded by groups of mums - some of whom stare because I am by myself
same jumpingjacks !
don't get me wrong, i do HAVE a few people i can call good friends
honest but most go to work. and one or 2 of them don't have DC anyway and are not kid people so if we do ever meet up with my dcs with me it feels a bit awkward iyswim.
i feel bad thinking this as i know i am quite fortunate being at home with the dcs most of the time, but i feel i am not making the most of it
It's not really as you imagine you know...most people lead boring lives. Facebook is the edited highlights!..can I suggest that you all get cycles and get out and about on them? We've met lots of other local families through that...we also volunteered to tidy up a local pond and it was great. We've made freinds with a local family.
Would you feel confident sending round a group email to other mums in their classes before the end of term, suggesting a picnic in the park or a swim or cinema visit? Even if just one mum replies to one of the suggestions, you have something set up.
If your DC have any friends they'd like to see, instead of setting up playdates, call the mums and invite them over for lunch too. That way you might get to know them better.
Do you have family you could visit? Or who could come and stay with you?
Are there any churches in your area that run summer playschemes? Some of those are designed to encourage mums to stay and get to know each other.
If you don't feel comfortable being the one who makes the first move, then it helps to make plans anyway, just for the three of you, so you're not waking up thinking how will we fill all these days.
Book them onto a playscheme one week in the middle, so you get a breather, and apart from that, organise one day out and about, one day lazing at home or doing some home-based project like sorting out their rooms, making crafty stuff etc.
And head for the park every day, as you may bump into people that way.
Oh it is difficult, isn't it. Especially if you are not the most at ease socially like me. I have had to challenge myself to make the first move, I go to sessions at children's centres, classes etc. with my DDs and have got chatting to other mums. When I have invited anyone round they have always accepted. I even got chatting tossomeone in Tescos once and she invited us to play and we still meet up occasionally. I would say go to anything you can find and just suggest having people round, it can be uncomfortable but it works.
If you are anywhere near east London, come and play, the holidays are hard!
I think it helps to try and organise things before you break up, you need to be proactive and ask the children's friends around for play dates. Look in the local papers for events going on, the primary times is a good source and persuade DH to take time off for a family holiday. Before you know it the 6 weeks have flown by! Personally, I do meet up with friends but I am just as happy spending time with the 3,DC's on my own, it's sometimes nice to have a break from the whole school thing. I really don't think people judge you for being alone.
The summer holidays is a good excuse to ask some of the mums at school to swap numbers so you can arrange playdates etc. Be brave!
I by no means have a heaving social calendar but am looking forward to time alone with my DC. You won't be the only person at the park/swimming pool/wherever without bunch of mates, we just don't stand out as much I suppose. I enjoy chatting to others when I'm not with friends so look out for others on their own. The big group of chummy mates you see in the park might have spent the last week on their own with this as their one social 'event' so don't think the grass is always greener either.
I'm always the one on my own in parks and soft play.
Rare times I meet with ds friends mums ( who I get along with and enjoy spending time with) it's just getting the time to meet up with them with me being in work.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Any Teessiders? Stockton? Middlesbrough? Darlington? Looking for meet ups!
no where near drseuss sorry
i would never dare approach any of the school mums. its just not that kind of area round here. plus am cripplingly shy and awkward with people i don't know so its a vicious circle
once i get to know people i am fine, i can be myself and become completely different, outgoing and talkative but its just getting through that initial bit
well i am going to make lots of plans that just involve me and the dc anyway. at least we will be getting out
Dirtyface you sound like me, I just can't do that initial chit chat stuff, which is why the friends I do have, I met through work!
I feel so useless when I watch other people chatting to people they don't know. I work f/t though so I don't have the holiday loneliness thing, my dp does though-even harder for a shy man to socialise with kids!
Could you invite your dc's friends round occasionally? Ask them if they have a friend or two they particularly like then before the end of term put a note in the book bag of said friends saying your dc would like to meet up over the summer, here's my mobile number? You never know it might lead to something.
I know what you mean though.
how about texting a few of your dcs friends mums? asking if anyone fancies a picnic or cinema or something ?
if you feel a bit awkard asking its easier to text
Could you approach the parents of any of your dcs friends and ask if they'd like to get together in the parkor for playdates in the holidays? Then ask for their no.
I think most people feel nervous doing something like this. I'm so thankful that I had people who approached me like this because I was too nervous to do it myself. Now I know that's what people do, I have no qualms about doing it myself.
Also, look for activities run by your council. Ours do loads of stuff in libraries and local parks etc. You often have to book but they're run for groups and often people will start chatting to each other.
I am always usually on my own with dcs. Took them to a big park and I was the only mum there not in a group. I do have lots of friends with dcs but they are either working or they have kids who are happy to stay at home for 7 weeks! It doesn't really bother me-I will take a book or mn on my phone.
I used to swap mobile numbers with a few of DCs friends parents before school broke up, jot down when people are away, and on random sunny days just do a general shout out by text ' Going to * park for a picnic lunch today/ tomorrow if anyone is free to join us from 11 onwards'... sometimes there were just a couple of us, sometimes a lot.
You may find that many mums/carers have the same problems as you.It became a standing joke that I became the summer organiser, but only because it grew each year, especially if they invite others too.
Maybe worth a try?
If you are very shy, make it all about the children. You have next week to write a few notes to the children your children like, putting your name/address/phone no and an invite to play in the holidays in their bag. I have found friendships have shifted over the years and we still get/issue new invites from time to time. Just do it- even one or two playdates for them over the summer will make them feel more popular and you can chat to the parents when you go out.
I don't mind being alone, I parent alone most of the time so am used to it, but I do take your point it can be quite difficult when everyone else seems to be in families/large groups, but single parents/one parent taking the kids out is common. I take my Kindle or a book to the playpark, don't really care what others think, I see my two playing as an opportunity for me to relax and read. Or take knitting, or the crossword, or anything that keeps you busy and that you enjoy. I find it excessively boring sitting in playparks/on the beach and this really saves my sanity.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
What's stopping you asking people to meet up? Just ask them, they might say yes. If you feel uncomfortable you could say it's your dcs pestering to have their friends over to play.
I realise that's easy for me to say. I am quite happy to be on my own with the dcs. We are in the UK for 10 weeks and DH is working in the country where we live the rest of the time, and although we'll be pleased to see him again in August, I'm really enjoying doing whatever I want with the dcs and not having to consider someone else! In the evenings when they're in bed I can watch whatever I want on tv and eat what I fancy!
I'm the same as you, I've an only child so just become a child so he has someone to play with. I am normally the one climbing on the slide, getting my face painted.
I've learnt to have an inner voice that says 'stuff them'.
I dread taking the dc out because I know I will be surrounded by groups of mums - some of whom stare because I am by myself
Really ? Paranoid, much ?
I've always taken my dc out on my own in the holidays (over 17 years now) as dh would be at work, and I've always thought it far more stressful to start arranging things with other families. I can honestly say I've never had anyone "staring at me because I'm by myself"
Quite often if we went to local activities or just into the local park, they would bump into other dc from school, but I've never arranged trips anywhere with them.
Agree, BackforGood, it's never occurred to me that peole might be staring at me because I'm on my own. Maybe they are.
OP you have 2 dcs - take them to the park, bring your book and ignore them. My dcs can fight like you wouldn't believe, but if I ignore them long enough they eventually start organising themselves into running races or something.
I find it difficult too, with an only dd and not being in an established clique. The one thing I recommend you do is get all the parents' details ( perhaps the pta could help?) and try to make as many plans as possible. Some will respond, many will not. I even went as far as to make up a spreadsheet detailing everyone's availability!
Hope you get it sorted. Good luck.
I also agree people aren't staring on you on your own any more than you are staring at them
observing their marital issues out in public
It is extremely common for one parent to do stuff with kids, the other is usually working or not around or there isn't one- think of all those weekend dads who have their children in the summer holidays, they are in the same boat.
Your dcs must have friends at school, especially the older one....do you not have them for tea?
mrsrobertduvall he does have friends at school. but we have never had any of them for tea. i don't even know any of his friends mums names let alone their phone numbers.
it just doesn't seem to be the kind of school where that kind of thing happens tbh, not to us anyway
he has never been invited round his friends either, but his teacher tells me he has lots of friends and is well liked so i am not concerned. the way i see it is as they get older they can arrange things themselves, i am not going to push it with unfriendly mums!
I find it hard how you CANT meet people with kids - are oyu looking like you want to hang out - do YOU suggest coffees? Do you suggest getting the kids together or doing a time share?
IT just feels like everybody has a huge group of pals that they do lovely things together all summer in reality it is 1 or 2 groups, most people just do their own thing over the summer take your kids out and about when mine were that age I never saw another parent all summer sometimes id take their friends out with us though, I quite liked it being just us
oh come on dirtyface - stop with the sad faces - get some oomph/
send out some invitations next week with your phone number on. ask the kids who they want to have to play and get it organised
But have you ever invited any kids over for tea? It is a perfectly normal request you know, they won't think you're a stalker!
and nobody looks at anybody because they are on their own with children thats sily,
my Dc's finished yesterday
and i was working so my C/M did the pick up / drop off
so its a bit too late now perhaps next year eh.....
have decided to make more effort from this september when they go back. as my youngest starts ft then..., i will try and be a bit more pro active with her having friends round and stuff
it didn't help that when my eldest started 3 years ago i was new to the area and didn't know a soul. but now at least i am a regular "face" in the area iyswim
also they were invited to my next door neighbours DC birthday party yesterday - perhaps i could ask NDN if she fancies doing something in the holidays with the kids, she seems nice enough....
I do go out quite a bit with other parents and their DC and also spend a lot of time on my own with my DCs out and about. I find it far less stressful being on my own with my own children and it certainly wouldn't occur to me to even notice, never mind actually stare at, another mum with her own children, not in a big group.
Do you have a local park which you can just hang out in? Our park seems to be a congregating point for all the children in DD's class. Take some picnic food with you and it will be like bees to a honeypot!
see there you go the NDN obviously likes you all get together with her your friends dont need to be school mums ,
Yes absolutely get friendly with the neighbour! I invited our NDN over once when we were all stuck in with the snow, even though I hardly knew her... 2 years later the kids are still best friends.
Most people are the same, I bet if you issued a few invites people would accept, im not socially confident but most times if i issue an invite its accepted or if not arranged for an alternative date, people LIKE tobe asked so just bite the bullet. Even having one thing bookedin a week lifts your mood a bit.
They're not staring at you because you're freaky as on your own, they're probably wondering whether to strike up a convo!
"....as YOU'RE on your own....."
Personally I love the school holidays as I can enjoy time on my own with my DC. I live in an area where families tend to do a lot of big days out together and I avoid them if I can. I just don't like big groups and having to be sociable <grump>
So if you ever see me in a big group and I am staring at you on your own with your DC then please realise that I am staring at you with envy.
OP, I too am cripplingly shy. When DS1 started school, I literally forced myself to talk to the other parents of his class because it was for my DSs benefit. It was horrible and painful but it set me up for all the years that followed (DS1 is now 14 and DD going into Y3 in Sept).
Your NDN seems like a good start
I'm amazed you think people look at you when you're on your own with the kids , I bet they don't.
I live a long way from where I grew up so no old friends and dd is too young for pkaydates whereas ds has friends over but not their mums..
It is hard sometimes but equally I enjoy time just the three of us and never think anyone's looking at us!
Be proactive - I had a few 'friends' on FB who have kids approx same age so I set up an event and invited them all to meet at the park , about 6/7 showed up and it was lovely.
Yes, I bet you are imagining people looking at you - that's your shyness speaking IME.
that's your shyness speaking IME.
yes it is which is a shame,
I am not a social butterfly and tbh big days out with loads of others fills me with dread
Where abouts are you OP? Im the same in the holidays, DP works ft in shifts so im always alone.
Im in the Lake District
Be proactive - I had a few 'friends' on FB who have kids approx same age so I set up an event and invited them all to meet at the park , about 6/7 showed up and it was lovely
wow thats fantastic bea what a good idea
i would be so worried no one would come if i did that .... can you tell i am quite scared of rejection?? would rather be on my own than risk people turning me down for stuff
But would it matter if no-one turned up? If one person comes, your kids have someone to play with. If no-one turns up, no-one will know.
I am dreading the end of Summer holidays. I really love being with little Musketeers and couldn't be arsed to socialise with generally dull and needy people.
Don't get me wrong, I do have a few unbelievably great friends however, they are too far and acquaintances, amusing as they might be, are just too much work and hassle.
I used to love giving garden parties in the Summer but that was BC.
Now, my fun are my children
I'm with Three Musketeers on that one. I occasionally fix to meet up with others for DCs sake but am happier on my own with DC. We/re very in tune with each other and get on well together. We all like the same stuff. Endlessly having to sort out food and toilet stops for other children and having to listen to their meltdowns, or talk to another adult when DC are interrupting/charging towards the park lake etc is too stressful, I'd rather focus on them when I'm with them and adults when I'm out with the grown ups.
hmm but on FB maryz if i invite a load of friends to something and no one (or hardly anyone) accepts, everyone i have invited will be able to see !
might give it a try though
and 3musketeers, thats absolutely lovely perhaps i should try and think more like that.
Have you got any friends without children? Some are probably quite lonely too.
op, i know exactly how you feel. my DCs are 4 and 7 too. Are you in yorkshire dirtyface?
yes i have a couple of child-free friends blackbird but they both work FT. so when we meet, i tend to see them in the evenings, ie will go for a drink or something. and they are brill, lovely friends and i value them loads, but i just wish i had more <hated on mn word alert> <whispers> "mummy friends"
and no, am not in yorkshire sadly queenof
Just wanted to say you are not alone.
I am not a hermit and also have some friends but generally dd and I don't really have that many people to do stuff with. Like this weekend, it's just the two of.
I have also tried making "mummy friends" but they generally fizzle out after a while.
I shall be taking mine to the local soft play (gulp) but its what they like.
Although DS1 & DS2 are going on holiday next saturday with my dad and stepmum for 2 weeks and arent back home until 5th August so it will be quiet at home with just me and DS3. DH will be working 2-10 shift 5 out of 7 so the days he at work will be just me and DS3 who is 7.5mths and teething But hes still happy.
I will be meeting up with friends from school in the holidays to go to the park or for coffee and for the kids to play. But i will feel lonely the days i am in on my own with the kids as my routine of school and coffee with ffriends will be out the window for 6 weeks!
But in my experience people WILL come because as you can see from this thread lots of people feel the same and anyways who cares?! You've got to let go of the fear, it's really limiting your experiences.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.