To stay the Hell away from this "night out"

(39 Posts)

A close friend of DP has a significant birthday coming up. All well and good, they are nice people, lovely kids. We have been invited to a restaurant for a meal.

Unfortunately, there are a few more people going. Including a couple who have just got together after him viciously (headbutting several times and full-on punching) assaulting her. He is a binge drinker. Their 3 year old DS saw it.

I cannot possibly sit there with that couple. DV is a subject very close to my heart, XP was a violent bully.

My friends have annoyed me, how can you paper over the cracks on this??
How the Hell can they forgive him?

I'm just going to descend into a rant if I carry on.
BTW DP is equally disgusted, think we may pass on this, maybe do something else to mark our friends birthday?

thebody Wed 10-Jul-13 18:49:59

Say you can't make it that night and reschedule.

Yes, keep it short and simple.
We have found ourselves avoiding occasions because of him before, I just cant bear what he's done to her sad

BMW6 Wed 10-Jul-13 18:52:19

Think you should pass & explain to Birthday Boy that you cannot socialise with the assaulter (maybe give a bit of your own bad experience).

Suggest you get together seperatley.

Tiredemma Wed 10-Jul-13 18:52:58

your other friends maybe considering the woman though- is it fair to alienate her because of him?

WhoNickedMyName Wed 10-Jul-13 18:53:52

If this blokes partner has taken him back, then if you or your friends punish or express your opinion of him by exuding them as a couple, from group events, you are ultimately punishing and isolating his partner - the victim, too.

ThingummyBob Wed 10-Jul-13 18:55:28

I'll offer the flip side.

Perhaps your friends invited them rather than NOT inviting him, so she would be 'allowed' to go if you see what I mean?

Don't not go though, that poor woman needs support and she might really need the company of nice normal people sad I wouldn't abandon a friend after she has suffered DV I'd stay close and make sure the bully knew I was staying close.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 10-Jul-13 18:55:43

yes I would feel the same as you. tell the birthday person you wont be attending due to the presence of the other man. if you matter to your friends they will make sure he isn't invited the next time.

ThingummyBob Wed 10-Jul-13 18:56:16

x -post, I see others agree though OP.

I know WhoNicked its very difficult.

BMW6 DP is going to do just that, its how everyone has forgotten what he did and now they're all going bowling/pubs/wherever like he's a great guy. It really annoys me. She's such a lovely girl and he's a vile thug. He gets in some right states on nights out, he's nearly 40 ffs.

neunundneunzigluftballons Wed 10-Jul-13 19:00:35

YANBU I actually think that by papering over the cracks and going you would be complicit in convincing an already conditioned victim that this behaviour is excusible. I suggest if you want to help the victim insist nothing is said to her about the reasons for not going and arrange to meet her seperately.

softlysoftly Wed 10-Jul-13 19:03:47

I couldn't play nice with him but also wouldn't want her any more isolated, tricky!

Agree with neun, don't go but do try to be with the victim in other ways.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 10-Jul-13 19:06:51

I'd go. I really would.

My feelings about him would be clear to him and everyone else anyway, because I just absolutely wouldn't acknowledge him except to look at him like he was something I'd just scraped off my shoe.

quesadilla Wed 10-Jul-13 19:09:55

This is a really tricky one, I can see both sides if this argument. I don't think the woman deserves to be isolated from her friends because her partner is a vicious thug but I don't know if I could make small talk with him.

I had a similar situation with a friend who for a time was with a guy who assaulted her so badly she ended up in hospital (she had walked out of a marriage with a guy who was an absolute gem to be with this piece of shit which made it harder to take.) I never really resolved it properly. I took the decision not to boycott events because my friendship with the woman was important and I knew she would sense that people were dropping out because of him. What made it harder was she never told me about the DV so I didn't officially know and didn't have an obvious reason not to like him.

They have split up, thankfully.

My personal feeling, I think, is that I would go to the party for a brief time to say hello and leave, then privately tell your friend later why.

GiveMumABreak Wed 10-Jul-13 19:11:55

You simply cannot socialise with this man (and by socialising with him condone his behaviour). Avoid it at all cost (especially as there will be drinking at birthday celebration) find another way to mark friends birthday.

Thanks everyone, its very tricky. All our other friend (Male and Female) are great decent folk but this guy incenses me angry

I just can't bring myself to be civil and all "Hi how are you? Yes it's a lovely day....." With him.

quoteunquote Wed 10-Jul-13 19:15:10

I ended up sat near a similarly nasty piece of work at an event,

Eventually he was silly enough to ask me why I was staring,

I just told him, I knew he was violent and was keeping a careful eye on him,

He left.

Not any help to you, but there is no way I would give anyone like that any kind of tolerance, it is the tolerance that enables them to behave that way.

I hope his partner realises that her one life is being wasted on this twonk.

It's a difficult one, my immediate reaction was "stay away" but having read other posts I've changed my mind. I think there is a real danger of this lady becoming isolated and totally dependent on him. Speak to your friends about your feelings, you may find that they have only invited them for HER sake. You don't have to speak to HIM at all, (and could probably find a way to tip a drink in his lap if you try hard enough! grin). See how your mutual friends really feel about it, are they really accepting of his behaviour or are they supporting her in a decision that they don't agree with but can't change. If you find that they are all happy to be "friends" with him then rethink.

I wouldn't go because I think it will just be too hard for you. I've experienced violence, and now I struggle to be around people who are aggressive. I would know that if I went on the night out with this man I'd spend the evening worrying about him kicking off.

I appreciate people saying that maybe the couple have been invited so that the female partner is not being isolated, but I suspect it's more that people just want to ignore what happened.

Chrysanthemum yes, I just feel that all seems forgiven and forgotten. He has done it to her a few times, it's not a one off.

I saw him in a petrol station recently, we made eye contact but I just blanked him. No dirty looks or aggravation, I just erased him from the situation.

He's the type of guy to be on the Stella at 11am, and has apparently used being drunk as an excuse for his behaviour. He has caused drunken scenes a good few times, you know, picking silly fights, due to him having already drank alcohol prior to the night out.

McNewPants2013 Wed 10-Jul-13 19:41:17

I wouldn't go because I couldn't be civil to him and I fear that he will blame her for it and "punish" her for it.

BMW6 Wed 10-Jul-13 19:43:20

I do understand what others are saying about isolating the woman who is the victim, but won't people ignoring the elephant in the room normalise the behaviour for her too IYSWIM?
Surely she has to be made to realise that his behaviour is unacceptable to Society at large and is gross abuse,

If he is rejected by people she may realise he is the wankbadger that everyone else can see so clearly.

RubyrooUK Wed 10-Jul-13 19:50:07

It's very difficult though, OP.

One of my friends was in a relationship with an abusive arsehole. My other friend and I couldn't bear him and felt if we spent time with him, we were condoning his behaviour.

What actually happened when we stayed away was my friend had no-one normal to see, no normal relationships to witness, no positive social life to fall back on and no reason to think she could leave him because she'd get by.

In the end, my other friend and I saw that our hardline approach was not working. We ended up seeing them again and trying our best to remain on very good terms with our abused friend, so she would know that she could come to us and her other friends when she left him.

Thankfully she did and has now moved on. We are still friends. I wish with hindsight I hadn't made her feel more alone though.

Don't go if you can't bear it. Of course not. But I think your friends - if they are kind - may well be trying to help their female friend and sadly that means for now that they have to put up with her partner.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 10-Jul-13 19:50:43

those who are saying they would go and make their feelings known about him i.e; don't acknowledge him- well that is a recipe for disaster and ruining the whole evening for everyone- especially if he kicks off which abusive people tend to do when they're called on their behaviour.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 10-Jul-13 19:52:07

especially if he's drunk.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 10-Jul-13 19:53:11

I wouldn't go but I would try and reach out to her separately and see if you can carry on socialising with her and without him.

"reach out" - I am so fucking corporate hmm

SallyCinnamon1 Wed 10-Jul-13 19:59:59

or he will take it out on her later

Tondelayo yes, she does go socialising without him, thankfully. She is so pretty, she could have a lovely chap who would make her feel safe, but no, she's with this bastard sad

ThingummyBob Wed 10-Jul-13 20:04:21

I agree not to do anything to rile him.

However I'd make sure he knew I cared about her by staying close as a friend to her.

I'd probably as charming as necessary to him, but to me, having lived through abuse, the last thing I would do is not go.

scoobydooagain Wed 10-Jul-13 20:07:36

Please go, a sure fire way of her not leaving him is by his behviour isolating her. She will be incapable of leaving him if her self-esteem is in her boots. Next argument "you are such a useless bitch etc. maidmarian couldn't even stand to be in the same room as you"

Yes scooby men like that can twist things can't they. This is such a mess.

SplitHeadGirl Wed 10-Jul-13 20:43:44

I wouldn't go. I couldn't trust myself to remain civil and I would be worried then that he would take it out on her. HATE men like that!!!

scoobydooagain Wed 10-Jul-13 20:48:08

Split it would be better for her for you to support her - just by being there no need to say anything- than by you hating him

SplitHeadGirl Wed 10-Jul-13 20:55:44

Scooby I have just read the thread (posted before looking blush ) and I think I have changed my mind. I didn't think about her feeling and being isolated. Yes...I would shoot my hatred towards him like a tongue from a dart frog!!!! Sickening little shit that he is!! I hate men who hurt women so much.

DrCoconut Wed 10-Jul-13 22:38:54

Having experienced DV my first concern on reading this thread was that if he is confronted about his behaviour he will possibly/ probably take it out on his partner later on, especially if drink is involved. My ex was awful if anyone didn't basically worship the ground he walked on and I dreaded everyone going if something had been said that would anger him. The normal rules don't apply in these situations. I'd say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 10-Jul-13 23:04:48

Only read OPs posts, and they make it sound like the friends may not have completely forgotten, but that they could be choosing to ignore it.

If people decide to stop talking to him it will escalate the problem and lead to some kind of confrontation. The guy sounds like a twat, but one that I wouldn't want to upset. And more to the point, their friend is choosing to be with him despite what he's done. There's nothing to say she wouldn't continue to choose him even if all her friends stopped being around him, so it would do no good anyway.

I think you probably feel so strongly about this because of what you have dealt with.

Hissy Wed 10-Jul-13 23:17:32

I personally wouldn't be able to go, but that's cos it'd trigger too much in me, I fear.

Why not decline, but say you fancy a girly thing sometime with the 3 of you girls only?

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 11-Jul-13 05:59:07

It depends on how you feel. If you are totally unable to keep your composure around this man for the reasons you've stated, then don't go. You have a very good reason not to go.

That said, people make valid points here about not isolating the victim, which is a good reason to turn up anyway.

Personally I don't think I'd be able to go, as I'd be unable to hold off on calling him out on his shit.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Thu 11-Jul-13 08:15:13

I absolutely would not go.

Partly because of your own experience. But mostly because while I understand those who say you should go to support your friend, so that she is not isolated, because of his drinking and previous behaviour, there is more likelihood than not, I think, of something happening if you can't all behave like nothing has happened. Behaving as if he is a decent normal human is condoning his actions. If several people ignore him or blank him or even say something, it may kick off then and there or, more likely, he will take it out on her afterwards.

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