to take a holiday without DS1?

(52 Posts)
SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:16:35

DS1 (8yo) is going on holiday with his Dad this year, abroad, for 1 week.

We have 2 other DC (4 and 2yo). We have the option to go away whilst DS1 is at his Dad's (not at the same time as him being abroad). I feel awful that we won't be taking DS1, but I will also feel awful if the other DC's don't get a holiday. It will just be camping in France, but we've done it the last 2 years running with all of them.

I don't know what to do sad

What's fair in this situation?

1) DS gets his holiday, we go away without him
2) DS gets his holiday with Dad and comes with us (would need to be at a different time so with be a strain financially) (also will mean he's a holiday 'up' on the other 2)
3) DS goes on holiday and we have a 'holiday' at home (DH take the time off, we do holiday things, we live in a holiday destination anyway so wouldn't be hard)

This is the first time DS1 is going away with his Dad so not had to deal with this before...

catgirl1976 Wed 10-Jul-13 10:18:04

Option 2 for me if you can afford to do it.

LieweHeksie Wed 10-Jul-13 10:18:55

option 2.

livinginwonderland Wed 10-Jul-13 10:20:25

Option 2 if it's possible. It's not really fair for an 8 year old to be home knowing his siblings are away and he's not invited sad

LastTangoInDevonshire Wed 10-Jul-13 10:20:43

Do the 4 and 2 years old have a view? Have they discussed it between themselves, or with you, and come to the conclusion that "it's not fair"?

If no, then what's the problem? It's all in your mind FFS.

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:21:08

Is that fair though, that DS1 gets 2 holidays, and the other 2 only get one?

If you can afford it, I would give DS 2 holidays. The others are too young to understand anyway, they won't hold it against you. You could also have a nice day out while he is away with his Dad.
If you can't afford to do this, have a chat with your DS and explain your position. I doubt he'll mind if you do explain that you don't want your other DCs to miss out.

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:22:00

DS1 will be with his Dad when we are away.

He's likely to wind up DS2 that he's had an extra holiday

Suesue22 Wed 10-Jul-13 10:22:18

Option 2 it's not your ds fault he's going with his dad. Why should he miss out on family holiday?

would need to be at a different time so with be a strain financially, I don't really understand why this is the case. Are you paying for him to go away with his Dad? If so, why?

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:23:17

It probably is in my's just a tough decision to make.

Bear in mind that at 4, DS2 is more aware, so he will be aware that DS1 is in Florida whilst he is at home

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:24:27

DS1 is with his Dad for the week that he starts back at school. DS2 doesn't start until the week after so we could take the holiday in term time, at half the cost of booking it for the week before, which it would need to be if we take DS1

Option 2 or's not fair for you all to go away without him.

Is that fair though, that DS1 gets 2 holidays, and the other 2 only get one? Well presumably as you and his dad have split then he has been through stuff he feels isn't fair too. At 4 and 2, the others are too young to even care.

SalaciousBCrumb Wed 10-Jul-13 10:26:20

Option 2 definitely. DS2 may be aware that DS1 is in Florida, but he's 4 - he won't know that much about what that means unless you/DS1 tell him. It should be fine to say "yes, and we're all going on holiday later" and tell him about the family holiday. I think excluding DS1 from the family holiday would be very divisive.

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:27:16

Betty - me and his Dad split up before he was born, so I wouldn't say he's been through stuff that he feels isn't fair hmm

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:28:02

We have already had a little break camping in this country together BTW - maybe should have said that in OP!

Oh I see...sorry, you didn't say that in your OP.

However, he is still in a situation where he has a split family whereas your other 2 DC are lucky enough to have a mum and dad living altogether - it must make him feel a little different and so if you all take a holiday without him surely it will make him feel excluded.

I dunno, I wouldn't but then I don't know your full situation.

ShadeofViolet Wed 10-Jul-13 10:30:11

As a child I went away with my Dad while my siblings went away with my Mum and SD.

I never minded and it didnt seem odd to me. However how would your DS feel about it?

ChasedByBees Wed 10-Jul-13 10:31:59

I still would go with option 2 with something really special while DS1 is away for the others, like a really fun picnic with bubbles and a park. Cheap but special.

Still18atheart Wed 10-Jul-13 10:34:14

Probably option 2

Would it even click with your two youngest dcs that your DS1 would be a holiday up. Especially with the 2 year old???

Sorry if that's a silly question.

Mckayz Wed 10-Jul-13 10:34:37

My DSes are having a holiday with their dad and we're going away with DD.

I don't see a problem with you going away while he's on holiday with his Dad.

NotWilliamBoyd Wed 10-Jul-13 10:35:01

So your DS1 is missing the start of the new school year? I wouldn't be at all happy about that.

Think it's a tricky one, my DC at 4 would have been extremely aware if a sibling had had an extra holiday, particularly if that sibling was likely to....... comment on it!

It's hard for us to comment as every family is different - a friend has the same family dynamic as the OP (eldest child from previous relationship, younger 2 with DH 2) and the younger 2 are very jealous of the eldest as he has 2 homes, 2 bedrooms, 2 dads (obviously not really but in their eyes) etc

Hullygully Wed 10-Jul-13 10:35:07

I'd do 1

Everyone gets a holiday, every year will be different.

You've already all been away together and maybe you could do another night camping at another time

MumnGran Wed 10-Jul-13 10:35:19

You say that your best holiday option falls when DS1 is with his father, but not when they are abroad.
Are you able to juggle times with your X so that DS1 can holiday with you + go away with his DF ....and then have the rest of the planned time with DF on a different week.
Just a thought.

Otherwise, I would wait and all go together. Your other two are far to young to worry about being a holiday up or down in competition with their brother, but I do think he will feel excluded if the main family holiday of the year is taken without him.
If it means not having quite so many treats while away, then thats a fair trade for me ....but the juggle of holiday weeks with F still seems best to me.

ovenbun Wed 10-Jul-13 10:35:20

option 2...
but while ds1 is away perhaps let ds2 choose a really special day out so he has a treat too?

Also I would use it to have lots of conversations about when nice things happen to our friends and family that it makes us happy could use examples from your own life..

there lives aren't going to be 100% fair in terms of what money/time and experiences each one receives throughout so the sooner they learn to be happy for each other when nice thingsd happen the better smile

Talk to ds1 and see how he feels.

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:37:34

Gosh - double checked prices for the week before and it;s more than double. I don't think we could afford it. Will prob have to be option 3 then. Just feels unfair that they will all have to miss out.

I guess I feel bad because DS1 gets everything when he goes to his Dad's. His weekends with him include Centreparks, Zoos, Legoland, Thorpe Park, camping ('glamping', rather) and we can't afford any of this. He gets a lot more than the other two and soon they will be at an age where they see the difference. Camping in France for a few days is really rubbish compared to 10 days in Florida.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 10-Jul-13 10:38:14

Fun picnic with bubbles? Seriously?

I would go with option 1. I don't really see the big issue if you ordinarily do lots of things with all three DC as a family. This is one of those things about being in a blended family. If you couldn't afford a holiday, wouldn't it be unfair on your younger DC's that DC1 got to go away with is dad and they didn't?

WaitMonkey Wed 10-Jul-13 10:38:47

Option 2, without a doubt. Your older son could end up going away with his dad every year and you'd never have a holiday with him.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 10-Jul-13 10:39:04

x post. Go with option 1, definitely.

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:40:08

Damn - I know DS would be gutted to know he'd be missing out...

Asamumnonsense Wed 10-Jul-13 10:41:46

I would go for option 2 as I think it is the fairest but then again I am not in your situation. Good luck

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 10-Jul-13 10:42:29

But he's going to miss out anyway, if you can't afford to go unless it's the first week of school? So either way DS1 isn't going on this holiday?

JADS Wed 10-Jul-13 10:46:30

Bareing in mind I have no experience of step families, I think option 1 is fine.

I am reading between the lines here a little and thinking that maybe DS1 is starting to get a little spoilt by his dad. If he is starting to gloat at his younger sibs, he is now at an age to learn that sometimes he doesn't get it all.

Sounds really harsh writing down, I'm finding it a little difficult to say what I mean. Btw camping in France is an amazing holiday, imho much more fun than Florida.

Don't envy your decision x

Mckayz Wed 10-Jul-13 10:53:33

I don't really think your DS1 is missing out. He's getting a holiday with his Dad. You said you'd all been away this year already. So it works out that all the children have had 2 holidays.

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:56:42

I don't know whether I'm being clear.

DS is going away for 10 days in the middle of the school holidays.

He is also with his Dad for the week that he starts back at school.

We can afford to take a holiday with the other two in that week (DS2 doesn't start school until the following week).

The only option for taking DS with us would be to take the holiday the week before he goes back to school, and this is £££.

MrsOakenshield Wed 10-Jul-13 10:57:43

I don't know anything about step families either but I think option 1 is fine. Is 8 old enough for him to understand some of the thinking behind all this - that unless you and the younger DC go the week he is at dad's, they won't go away at all? Sounds like he'll be having a fun time anyway. Plus he's off to Florida!

I would also pull him up on winding the 4-year-old up, that's absolutely not on, regardless of what you end up doing.

SonShines Wed 10-Jul-13 10:59:24

Oh believe me I try Mrs Oakenshield.... it;s a fine line though between him wanting to talk about all these great experiences, and bragging. I don't want him to think we're not interested in what he does at his Dad's, but at the same time it must be hard on DS2.

People are being a bit strange about this. DS1 is getting a fantastic holiday, you have realised you cannot afford to take them all away but have an opportunity to take the little ones.

Go with option 1. No question at all. And don't feel guilty about it.

Chopstheduck Wed 10-Jul-13 11:03:25

option 1.

he is getting a holiday, you all get a holiday, seems perfectly fair to me!

This year my older two (dd and ds1) are going to camp and then to Norfolk with my parents for a total of three weeks. We are going to take the younger two (dts) to California.

I'd end up tying myself up in knots if I tried to do the same thing for all of my kids all at the same time!!

I think last year we had one alone (no kids), two with the whole family, and dd and ds1 got two seperate weeks away just for the two of them! Oh and dd and I had a weekend away. So dd had 5 holidays/short breaks, I had 4, dh 3, ds1, 4, dts 2 each! No one complained it wasn't fair, we jsut all made the most of our opportunities.

Next year I would love to pack the dts off somewhere at some point and go away with jsut ds1 and dd.

Chopstheduck Wed 10-Jul-13 11:09:47

btw, post wasn't intended to be bragging blush, I actually comp for a hobby and won most of them. That's something I've learned with comping though, I rarely win for 6 people, so we do have to share things out. Things like film premieres, show tickets, etc are usually only for 2 people, so they have to take it in turns, according to their interests. They are all very good about it though, cos they realise that their turn will come and they get away from their siblings for a bit and get the quality time then.

I would discourage the bragging too. The kids do come home from these things on a high and tell their siblings all about it, and sometimes they are laden with goody bags and all sorts, but they are nice about it!

squeakytoy Wed 10-Jul-13 11:13:59

Option 1.

I think some posters are missing the bit about DS1 being away on holiday with his Dad while you are away.

PistachioTruffle Wed 10-Jul-13 11:18:49

Option 1. You've already had a getaway together, and this way everyone gets a holiday.

MumnGran Wed 10-Jul-13 11:18:54

OP .... obviously don't know the dynamic, but is it really not possible to talk to DS1s F about changing his week in September?

Otherwise, given that the Florida info is now on the table, I would go with taking the younger two while he at his fathers.
At 8, Florida vacation will trump missing out on the hol with siblings.
That's just reality (tho I am sure it doesn't sit easily for you flowers )

And as per a previous poster, I would jump all over any bragging!!

CaptainSweatPants Wed 10-Jul-13 11:21:19

I thought he was just staying with his dad squeaky the first week he starts back at school

He'll be at school while op is on holiday with 2 younger dcs

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 10-Jul-13 11:24:43

Yes, and during the holidays the younger two will be at home with mum while DS1 is in Florida for 10 days. Fair doesn't mean they all get to go everywhere.

option 1 is the fairest, it's the only way all your children get a break.

I would still sit down and explain it to ds1 though but more in the terms of this is happening not seeking his opinion.

you have limited choices due to finances as we all do, option 1 is the fairest.

Maybe plan a day or 2 for the future just you and ds1 as a compromise.

Aniseeda Wed 10-Jul-13 11:36:43

Option 1. I think at 8 he is old enough for you to be able to explain that you cannot afford to go at the same time he is away with his Dad and that is why you are going in September. He is getting a fab holiday in Florida after all.

This is a situation where it's impossible to be "fair" to everyone (at least not in the eyes of an 8 and 4 year old!) so just do the best you can and don't feel bad about it.

LJL69 Wed 10-Jul-13 11:52:06

I would go option 2 - mainly because you dont want to leave son out of your home family set up. My step daughter and I (15) were joking about her summer holidays this year - she is currently in Spain with her mum and partner and has 4 days at home before she is on holiday with us. We try to package it as the bonus when mum and dad split up (2 Christmas days/holidays etc.) Our daughter (9) totally accepts that it is fair that her sister gets extra sometimes and appreciates that her sister has some things in life that are not so fair - living between two houses etc. I cant remember if when she was younger she could see that or not. While we have had our ups and downs I think we have a pretty good blended family and a lot of that has been down to trying to ensure my step kids are included in all our family stuff. (this will be more from your husbands point of view) You can spoil the others when DS is away with dad if you want. I appreciate we are very lucky and I am thankful that I have such lovely kids in my life so it may not be so easy for others who dont get on with the ex wife etc

LJL69 Wed 10-Jul-13 11:56:29

ps - my 2 step sons (19&21) are not so happy though as we are doing Florida this year and they are both working. They are making their presence felt though with orders for converse etc to be brought back!

ProudAS Wed 10-Jul-13 12:10:23

I think option 1

DS2 is starting school in September and it will be your last chance to take advantage of term time prices.

DS1 is going to Florida for 10 days and it sounds like his dad is spoiling him. He needs to learn that he can't have everything.

Next year you will be restricted to school holidays so take all 3 away together then.

GreenSkittles Wed 10-Jul-13 16:52:30

What does your DH think?

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