Bit scared I may have just unleashed bridezilla!(72 Posts)
Just told my sister she should not use a poem asking for money on her wedding website. I also told her why. Was asked to proof read it, not pass judgement on it, but I was very nice and offered alternative wording. I feel like I was reasonable, but feel all nervous about her response (was email).
Is she still going to ask for money, but not through poetry?
Some people like cheesy poetry. They probably choose cards with tacky rhymes in too.
Yes, she will still ask for money. The poem is really awful.
yup asking for cash is very bad taste.
what happened to good old fashioned gift lists.
Good for you OP! You have done the right thing
Just to clarify though - she should not use a poem asking for money - did you tell her she shouldn't be asking for money, or just not using a poem to do so?
Personally i'll be telling my DDs that if and when they get hitched i will be mortified if they ask for stuff from their guests - especially cash!
I don't really see the problem with asking for money, as long as its phrased nicely. If you already have a home and things in it, asking for more stuff for the sake of it is pointless and wasteful. Most guests just want to give a useful gift, and often cash is as useful as possible- boring though it may be! Travel agent vouchers are a good idea too.
Oh honestly, it's perfectly standard to suggest money rather than gifts for a wedding. It many cultures it is more traditional. I understand some people find it a bit grasping but generally speaking the twee poem that accompanies the request will explain that donations are gratefully received but not at all compulsory. Can't do right for doing wrong with weddings.
What's wrong with a wedding website?
Put all the info in one place, links to nearby hotels etc.
I think the cash issue is s contentious one. I hate it when its for honeymoons etc, if you want a holiday pay yourself folks! My exh and I had lived together a long time when we got married so explained (not thru poems) that we didn't need anything other than pols attendance but if they wanted to give a gift we would appreciate money towards a new kitchen or we had a small gift list with john lewis so ppl had a choice what they wanted to do.
It annoys me when I'm asked to give money to pay for honeymoon. Can't afford Seychelles? Go to Bognor. Darned if I see why everyone else should pay it. Goes for money towards house too.
It's just never going to be ok from my perspective - asking for anything is just hideously bad manners, and asking for money is orders of magnitude worse.
Ugh, horrible grabby behaviour.
(Yes, I suppose I'm pearl-clutching, but it rates right up there with giving back presents for me.)
I fail to see the problem with asking for money, I have always given money as gifts for weddings and we asked for money at ours. We had lived together for 5 years, a gift list would have been a pointless waste of money, we put our wedding gift money towards our honeymoon and as a result have wonderful memories and photos that will last a lifetime, far better than a pair of champagne flutes or a toaster!
I agree the poems are a little cheesy, but honestly I'm not sure it's your place to say what she should or shouldn't do at her wedding.
I agree with Trills. Nothing wrong with a website. I wouldn't be bothered blogging about every detail of planning, or how we met etc, but find them useful for practical details.
Maybe the least offensive way to ask for money (if you must) is to say nothing in the invitation, but put on your website that you'd like money. It's sort of the modern equivalent if asking your mother about the gift list.
Technically it's poor etiquette to ask for anything on the invites as it implies you presume you're getting gifts. It's politer not to mention it and then if approached by a guest you give them a bit of a pointer (eg. we've got a gift list at x/we really like x shop/need a new toaster etc) though I still wouldn't ask for money, just seems a bit grabby and I think it puts guests in an awkward position.
It's mentioning presents/money at the same time as the invitation that's such bad manners. You're assuming they'll give you a present. As if it's an entitlement.
Wait to be asked what you'd like.
You wouldn't send out invitations to a birthday party with a gift list.
I can understand giving money if it is a low cost stag/hen do, wedding and honeymoon, because the money will go to the new home. BUT when thousands of pounds have been spent on everything then obviously there is no need for the money, and any money given is helping to pay for the wedding etc.
I asked for no presents at my wedding but if people were desperate to get us something could we please have money. I think it's just the done thing these days all my married friends asked for money. I don't think I've bought an actual wedding present ever!
I mean who really needs 5 salt and pepper pots...I find it strange that some people are so mortified about this concept. If you are going to be kind enough to buy someone a gift why get them something you know they don't want you might as well just send a card. We had 2guests who found it so horrendous to give us cash they bought us vouchers for john lewis we live about 3 hours away from the nearest john lewis so ended up selling them on eBay as I wasn't making a 3 hour trip to spend a £20 voucher....
I really hate the trend for asking for money, in my view if you can afford a big showy wedding then you don't need cash for your holiday/kitchen/garden makeover whatever. People seem to happily spend over £10-15K for a wedding so what is the point of £2-3K in cash/vouchers. .
Weddings are so over the top and ostentatious these days, if you feel that people really want to give you a gift then why not ask for a donation to charity.
YABU - It was not your decision to make, it was your sister and her fiances.
I'm sure she thought about it and probably feels funny asking for cash but decided it was the best choice for them and now you've put another layer of unnecessary stress on her at an already bloody stressful time!
Would the 'bad tasters' rather they ended up with five cheeseboards and twelve picture frames? Because people will give, with or without a gift list. Is wasting your loved ones money better form?
I'd have gone apeshit. And I'm normally quite reasonable.
DH and i got married last year. We did not put anything in the invites about wanting anything from guests. We asked for their company on the day.
Without exception each guest gave us either some come cash or a voucher. We were overwhelmed and very touched. Seriously weren't expecting anything. Our parents chipped in towards the wedding weeks beforehand and we expected nothing from anyone else.
People aren't stupid. If they know you well enough to come to your wedding they'll know if you've got a furnished home, and the days of buying kettles and bales of towels are long gone.
There's no need to ask. It's a cheek. And it's grasping. Be grateful for what ever you get anyway!
Just to add we didn't put it on the invites though we had a pretty small wedding so every guest ended up phoning to ask what we wanted we said nothing but then money when they pressured....it is so awkward with weddings though you feel embarrassed asking for whatever you want money or gifts it feels so cheeky. I really wouldn't have minded judt getting cards only tbh
I don't get the frothing at asking for money rather than gifts. We had a list, but some people bought other stuff. We were gracious, thanked them very much at the time, and sent out thank you notes after the wedding. Six months later some of those gifts went to the charity shop. We don't have room to store ugly tat, regardless of who gave it to us.
These days our standard gift (unless there is a list) is some money or currency for wherever they are going on honeymoon, so they can have a meal on us. By all means, get people a gift, it's a lovely thought and gesture, but you only need so many crystal photo frames.
It's crass and tasteless to ask for anything as a gift. There are no degrees of "having everything you need". You do or you don't.
If you do, you don't need anything else.
work colleague just handed out her wedding invites - without exception everyone who was invited thought the poem asking for money was lovely. (note - I wasn't invited!)
horses for courses.
i have no problem with someone including details of a wedding list or asking for money/vouchers - saves me having to ask.
I actually agree that it's ok to ask for for money - it is the poem I suggested she got rid of. I can't tell her not to ask for money if that is what they have planned! The poem actually has the line 'just give us cash' - I can't let her send that out, it's awful.
Well she did ask you to proof read it and it's a fine line between doing that and making a judgement on word choice etc, so I think you acted ust about reasonably (so that's alright then )
On the more general point, and this comes up a lot, I think it's in poor taste for the B and G to talk about gifts at all unless asked (they should be regarded as a bonus rather than an expectation imho) but if asked...well I have dug really deep and employed all kinds of powerful microscopes but I really cannot find an objection to, or any kind of tackiness in asking for money: it's valid anywhere after all and you just can't go wrong! Certainly as I guest I breathe a huge sigh of relief when cash is on the list!
Fine to give money at a wedding, if that's your thing.
But the only people who ask for money are beggars. It's only OK to do it if you're on the street and can't afford to eat.
Asking for anything - gifts, money,
holiday honeymoon is crass. This pisses people who do ask for things off no end.
I don't usually contribute to wedding threads, but really - if someone invites you to their wedding, you're going to bring a gift aren't you (does anyone not??), so enclosing a list or asking for cash/vouchers with the invite just saves me time. I seriously don't have time to go round calling the bride's mother to say coyly "is there a wedding list??" just because it's slightly better ettiquette!
I think we need to see the poem
I think this is like Marmite! You either think it's ok or you don't.
I'll never be pursuaded that it's ok to ask a guest to a celebration and then tell them what they're expected to produce if they're going to come along. It makes me cringe!
We ask family and very close friends getting married what they would like as a present. Sometimes there'll be something specific. If they say ''nothing thanks'' we give money. If they say ''money please'' we give money.
If we're not close to the B or G to feel we can ask - we give money.
I would never turn up empty handed to a wedding, and i don't need a request for cash in my invite thanks. Makes me
I think it is increadibly bad taste to ask for gifts (money or otherwise) EVER for any occasion.
Bramshott. All manners involve spending extra time. Even down to saying please and thankyou. But it's time well spent.
No need for 'coy conversations'. You'll be replying to the invitation anyway. (I hope you have time for that.) That's when you ask. And with email it's hardly that time-consuming these days.
She has responded and said she wasn't sure about the poem but is finding it hard to put in words what they are planning to do - it is for their home, but for redecoration/renovation rather than items from a gift list iyswim. I am trying to help her - it is hard!
^So what do you get
For the Bride and Groom
Whose house needs things
In every room?
When shopping for a present
Please, dont be rash
As the option is there
To just give cash!
We hope that you dont find
Our request to be funny
But the decision is yours
To buy a present, or give money
Now you have the choice
Please do not fuss
The most important thing of all
Is that you come celebrate with us!^
I think the poem is a bit crass to be fair, asking for the gifts first and saying attendance is important last is a bit poor taste.
We said that gifts were not necessary and the most important thing for us was the guests there to share our day. If people really wanted to give a gift then money would be appreciated. This was said as more of an aside so it felt less of a demand IYSWIM
We decided to give charity badges as favours for our guests otherwise we'd have asked for charity donations.
We didn't ask for money for a specific thing again donut didn't feel like a guilt trip, or us being indulgent
Not donut... "So it"
Stupid fat fingers and auto correct!!
fluffyraggies - you are totally speaking my brainz on this matter. Couldn't agree more!
God that poem is horrible. With poetry I tend to think if you're not actually Keats you should stay well away.
I have no problem with her sending a small note with the invite explaining that if they want to buy a gift then a small contribution to the house renovation fund would be gratefully received. But leave it at that.
If she's going to say it, say it. Don't make a song and dance about it like she's embarrassed to be saying it. No "all we want is your presence" (clearly that's not true or they wouldn't mention cash). No twee dancing around the subject saying things like "our house is full of stuff" (both obvious and slightly untrue as everyone upgrades their crap from time to time, they just don't want the guests' taste to impinge is the implication. Be straightforward, and by implication in the words show that gifts are not assumed.
I can't see the problem with asking for money - even for, shock horror, a nice honeymoon.
We didn't do that. We asked for things for our house. And not nicer things to replace ordinary things we already had, which some people get up in the air about. We didn't have much. And we only asked for Tefal, not Le Creuset, so I hope that was all right.
I did commit the grievous sin of putting the list in with the invitations though. It just seemed obvious to me, because otherwise people would ring up and ask, because clearly they'd want to buy me a present, wouldn't they? It is normal to give wedding presents, isn't it?
I've since realised that I'm grasping and tasteless. Thank God I didn't include a little poem.
It's perfectly normal to give presents. It's just not great to ask for them.
As a bride and groom, you will get asked about gifts, what should you say? As far as I can tell from mumsnet people get offended by either a gift list or no gift list despite saying that they would give something, so what's the answer? to cause least offence?
A donation to a charity is a nice idea but 40-60% of that money will get eaten/wasted up by admin costs of the charity (rather than go to the root cause) and if a wedding costs circa £20K and guests actually want to give the happy couple something (because in theory they actually like the people whom wedding they are going to) then what's the answer?
The poem is awful, but I don't understand the MN aversion to asking for money. The days of people needing pots and pans to set up home are over as most people are not moving from their parents' house to the marital home these days. Money seems more sensible to me than a load of household things that will not be used.
To celebrate our wedding day you may wish to buy us presents
However this is not required, all we want is your presence
If you insist, we must admit, some money would be great
To help us with some home improvement at a later date
Now we are to be Mr and Mrs
All that we ask is love and good wishes
Your presence is all we want and request
To eat, drink and be merry, with us, as our guest
However if a gift is more your style
Our home does need a little DIY
If you'd like to help with a nice snug room
A monetary gift would send us over the moon
Wedding poems asking for money are the equivalent of putting on a twee ickle girly-wirly voice to ask for something you know deep down you shouldn't be asking for. Rhymes just make it all so much worse, as the words bash, rash and splash limp into view and you just know CASH is only four mangled syllables away. Fine, if you really want money then spare everyone the embarrassment and just say, we're saving up for a hot-tub and every time we sit in it, we'll think of our lovely wedding guests.
Personally, I hate giving people money as a wedding present because I like choosing something nice for them from us. I also hate the sense that you're somehow putting a price on their friendship, or competing with what other people have given, or revealing something about your personal finances that summer, especially when it never seems to cost less than £400 to attend a wedding these days, after the travel, hotel, child/dog care, hair do, etc.
I realise this says more about me than the bride and groom.
The poem is awful and I am more than happy to give cash as it saves me the hassle of getting a present. The line about cash is just really crass.
I polite note explaining that there is a small gift list or alternatively as they are going to renovate X a gift of money would be gratefully recieved. As they are redecorating what about asking for gift vouchers which would pay for paint/wallpaper etc? Or asking for the finishing touches on their list like curtains, cushions etc.
However my preference would be (and was) a simple couple of lines explaining our guests attendance was more than enough and that we had no gift list as we would prefer a monetary donation.
People will not show up to a wedding empty handed and I would imagine most would prefer their "gift" to be of use, I know I would. The request for money isn't and issue for me, times have changed and most couple live together before marrying anyway, gifts are there to set them up for the future, if that's providing a savings pot, DIY or a nice holiday that they can cherish that's up to them.
She didn't write the poem btw! My cousin used the same one last year! She has taken it very well and not been bridezillaish at all. I've suggested the wording 'if you would like to bring a gift, a small contribution to our house renovation fund would be gratefully received' - it's to the point and indicates what they would like, but also shows that they do not expect gifts and expresses gratitude! Thank you aetae for the help with the wording!
Is giving something of your own choosing more, less or as crass as being asked for something specific?
Friends of DH went off-list and gave us a mechanical chrome orange squeezer. I've no doubt it was very expensive. But I had no use for it, it was entirely to their taste and not mine, didn't go with any of my (probably appallingly twee in their view) knick-knacks, and took up precious counter-space in the kitchen because it was too sodding big to fit in any of the cupboards.
After a while I stopped feeling guilty and gave it away. Not at a wedding but to someone who actually asked for it because he
is weird has impeccably minimalist taste.
My mouth literally (and I mean literally, I'm not just using the word for emphasis) dropped open at reading that poem.
If I received that I would find it crass, grabby and offensive.
I am another one who is happy to give cash, but if I were sent that with a wedding invitation I'd be doubting my friends' sanity.
I think that message was good littlepeas.
<still don't see what's wrong with expecting wedding presents>
<may add this to the 'are you common?' thread>
Personally I find gift lists or asking for cash in this day an age pretty tasteless (even more so given the current economic climate). Chances are guest have already spent a small fortune on transport/hotels/dresses/child care and expensive hotel bar bills. Let their presence celebrating your big day be enough reward instead of asking them to dig deep again for some dinner set or designer toaster that you don't need. Finally asking for some money in the form of some poem you have found on the internet is really, really naff.
I personally don't see anything wrong with asking for/giving money as a wedding present. I think the growing trend for poems on invites as an attempt to ask-without-actually-asking is a bit disturbing though; it can come off really badly.
We put a little note on the bottom of our invites that said something like: 'We don't expect presents, particularly as most of you are having to travel to spend our day with us. However if anyone wants to give us something cash would be appreciated' Nobody seemed to find this grabby or unreasonable and we still got some lovely 'traditional' things from those who wanted to give something a bit more personal.
We did our wedding on an extreme budget (my mum made the cake, I made the dresses for my sis and bf as bridesmaids, my dad drove us in his car, my uncle took the pics etc) and we couldn't afford a honeymoon at all, Bognor or otherwise. Thanks to the generosity of our friends and family we were able to have a four day trip to Rome. I know that meant a lot more to us, and most of them, than a lovely set of champagne flutes...
Absurdly long comment - sorry!
I don't particularly struggle with people giving/asking for money as a present - although personally (after 28 years of marriage!) I enjoy using stuff and remembering who bought it for us.
What I think is totally objectionable and bad mannered, is to send out the gift list/link/cash request with the invitation. You invite people to your wedding, and wait for them to ask about a present (possibly), rather that sending an invitation with demands.
If she has a wedding website, then it will probably have a tab for gifts. She could just put in that section that lots of people have asked abou a gift list but they don't have one because they don't want anything. However if people would like to give them something, B&Q vouchers (or whatever) would be very much appreciated towards their house renovation
Even though I'm a grabby present-hound, my wedding guests didn't pay for a thing at the reception. My mother covered the food and the substantial bar bill afterwards. Thanks, mum.
I didn't think to tell my guests this because in my family, that's normal and it would have seemed strange, even boastful, to announce it.
Someone from outside my family circle approached me to thank me for my
mum's generosity and apologise profusely for the 'meanness' of her present - her word, not mine.
Now which one of us was thinking more about money? Though I have to confess, what she said made me check. True enough, her present wasn't very expensive and wasn't on the list and didn't match anything on it.
Never mind, her presence was the main thing - actually, it was her DH, not, her who was the main guest - and it could have been all she could afford.
And you can never have enough pink hand towels.
I don't think you can win these days though; my sister didn't send out a gift list or anything with her wedding as they (like most people tbh) were happy with nothing/whatever people felt they could give. About twenty different people told her she should have put something on the invitations as they hadn't wanted to bother her in the run up to ask about presents. That's why we put our little note on.
Although we say we want your presence,
We really want your presents,
It could be considered crass,
To ask alternatively ask for cash,
We really dont give a toss
So long as we get our flight to Kavos
And we believe that writing this piss poor verse
We can hide our materialistic thirst.
CuChullain that's a huge generalisation though. "Weddings these days" does not necessarily apply to every wedding. We aren't spending thousands of pounds (just under £2500 which includes the £600 registrar fee, my dress cost £25) and our guests aren't spending hundreds on travel, most are local and those that aren't are not very far away. They will be staying with family in the area so not paying expensive hotel bills. We aren't having stag or hen parties. Our wedding is at a family pub/hotel without outrageous drinks prices. We haven't got a dress code so nobody is obliged to spend lots of money on a new outfit (and if they did spend hundreds on a suit/dress that's hardly our fault!). No need for childcare because children are invited.
We are not having a lavish 5 star holiday at everyone's expense, we are having our first weekend away as a couple, 2 nights in a location about 2 hours drive from home. My parents have paid for it as our wedding present so any money gifts we receive will go on meals while we are there. Our wedding invitations stated (not in poem form) that we expect no gifts, we are just looking forward to people joining us. However if guests wish to give a gift, a handmade gift or small cash donation towards the honeymoon would be appreciated.
It's fair enough to say some people spend a lot of money on weddings, they do. And some are rude and ungracious. But it would be unreasonable, IMO, to say that ALL asking for money/gifts is wrong because SOME weddings are OTT.
I appreciate not sure everyone will agree with this, and am not saying my opinion and way of doing things is unequivocally correct, just that I am happy with it.
Fairy you just said exactly what I was trying to say only far more eloquently. Bravo! We spent less than £3000 on ours, a pretty hefty proportion of which was the church. I hate the general assumption that, and the many media articles to the effect of 'it's impossible to get married for less that £10,000!
I think it's always, always rude to make a mention of gifts on a wedding invitation. Would you invite people to your birthday party and attach a gift list, or a "suggestion"? No. So I don't understand why people think it's okay to do so for a wedding.
When DH and I got married we didn't make any mention of gifts, but those people who did want to get us something were - gasp - perfectly capable of going out and choosing something lovely themselves. Or giving us cash, as many people did. (Weirdly, we didn't end up with armfuls of toasters, either. That always seems to be the standby excuse of people who think it's okay to have a gift list).
Equally, I'm very glad that those who couldn't afford to get us anything didn't. However you word it, in an invitation, if you mention gifts then you are letting people know that you expect a gift. If you don't expect a gift, don't mention it.
YANBU to get rid of the poem but I'd second what someone said and put a bit on the website about being asked fora gift list, not havign one, just wanting presence but a cash gift would be great if they still wanted to et. Obviously better worded.
I don't mind gift lists or asking for money except if I'm not invited to wedding or reception. If I'm not invited to either, I'll give a card, if I'm invited to either I'll always bring a gift.
Wedding websites are a great idea, you can go very minimal on the invites and save lots of money-especially when having a small wedding. Also you can put nearby hotels and directions and moneysaving ideas for the guest on there as well as the new 'wedding apps' which are great for photo sharing.
But it's all very 'new' in the sense of that, I've been to about 8 weddings the last 2 years and only the latest had the website. Helped us a lot though in sorting a cheap place to say and getting there.
That poems awful! She can't send that. Yanbu!
My sil got it spot on can't remember the exact wording but it was we appreciate attending weddings is expensive, so you attending is a gift enough. But if you feel you must then a small amount towards the honeymoon would be appreciated
It's all well and good saying don't mention gifts but people will ask, some will want to get you a gift as you have invited them to the wedding. I will never attend a wedding without a gift, many people feel the same way. So what's the way of avoiding all this angst about it?
Could a wedding list be drawn up (as genuinely there will always be something that you could do with or could do with being replaced at home) and on it also have an option for gift vouchers or cash? John Lewis and Debenhams let you put vouchers. Could one of the options be a special anonymous wish for the happy couple (in a nice pretty envelope), I.e. Gifts that don't cost any money etc
That poem is one of the worst i've ever seen.
I'd say don't mention it at all. If people want to know what you'd like they'll ask, and you can tell them then!
We put a note at the bottom saying that should you wish to give a gift, we'd appreciate money for future home improvements. There were things we wanted to upgrade as it had been years since DH bought the house and set himself up cheaply, but not enough things to fill a gift list.
One thing we did want was a Denby set. We live within 10 miles of the factory shop, so bought it in sales months later as seconds, over 50% cheaper than if we'd got first quality from somewhere like Debenhams with vouchers- to me that would be a total waste of guests' money.
In the year after the wedding we did up the entire upstairs, so the gifts did get used for purpose. Some people gave vouchers for IKEA and B&Q which were useful towards that. Unfortunately we had a substantial amount for M&S which were a pain to use well. We got a good towel set which matched the bathroom, but the other legacy of those vouchers is a pair of shoes that were too painful to break in and sit sadly in the bottom of a cupboard.
I don't get the issue of including information about gifts. Why make 60 odd sets of people chase you up to ask, because they'll want to give you something. Some people chose some personal gifts, and they were beautifully chosen as they'd put a concious thought into them.
The poems can be twee, and the one that OP rejected was not the best of the poems out there, but I have no issue in the couple being clear about what they'd like if the guests want to give something.
Because it's presumptious to include gift requests with an invitation MrsMook. They are going to have to contact you to respond to the invite anyway, so could simply enquire about gift arrangements when they do so.
I think I must be very old!
Giving cash as a gift is fine. Asking for cash/anything for a gift is awful.
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