to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

(113 Posts)
loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 18:50:35

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.

Am I being U and petty?

Euphemia Tue 09-Jul-13 18:54:20

All I'm hearing is me, me, me.

If the girls like each other, all the rest seems like something and nothing.

Have you ever asked the woman why she's behaving this way?

RedHelenB Tue 09-Jul-13 18:54:35

What harm would be caused by letting her go?

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 18:54:56

Forgot to add that P is a nice girl but utterly spoil (last week lost her iphone 4s and already has had it replaced my an iphone 5), and she is absolutely fuming that she's not getting her own way.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 18:55:54

Yes YABU

The girls are friends. I'm sure they couldn't care less whether you and the other Mum like each other.

Give her a mobile phone and let her stay over.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 18:57:25

I think you are over reacting, but YANBU because if you don't want your child to stay somewhere then that's up to you.

The fat comment seems like the worst thing and I wouldn't like that either, but I don't think it's worth disallowing a sleepover for.

The mother wasn't doing anything wrong by ending the arrangement to give your dd lifts to the activity, although she should have been honest with you instead of saying it was cancelled. Personally, I would have taken the hint instead of texting back about a misunderstanding.

CookieLady Tue 09-Jul-13 18:57:28

You need to speak to P's mother and find out why she's behaving in that manner.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 18:58:10

The girls get on well and I'm not stopping P coming here but I don't want my DD to be in an environment where she is not welcome! (The mum has made that clear, she also blanks DD, not just me.)

MissStrawberry Tue 09-Jul-13 18:59:04

You sound like you don't even like this child.

How likely is it your daughter has been invited for a sleepover by the woman who won't allow your child in her car/house?

maddy68 Tue 09-Jul-13 18:59:43

so what if the other girl has an I phone? That just makes you sound jealous
the girls are friends - I would text the mum and say that your D has been invited by P to stay over - is that OK ? and see what she says

Euphemia Tue 09-Jul-13 18:59:52

My DD is also 11 and nearly all of her friends have more material goods than her, have been on more expensive holidays, blah blah blah, parents who have been/are going through an acrimonious divorce, parents I don't like, etc.

I don't see these things as reasons to stop her being friends with them. If anything, it's made DD more level-headed and appreciative of what she has.

P fuming is not your problem. It's her parents'.

Scruffey Tue 09-Jul-13 19:00:19

Yanbu. No way would I allow an 11yo to sleep over at the house of a person who blanked me in the street!

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:09

Cloudsandtrees -really?! So it's acceptable to tell me that the activity is cancelled, rather than be honest? I didn't take "the hint" as you say, because it didn't occur to me she was lying!

cees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:19

YANBU, I would not let my dd into a house where the parent hasn't asked me themselves. The mother blanks you in the street, no my daughter would not be going to stay in her home.

If the mother can't be civil to you then I doubt she would treat your child much better.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:24

Maybe you've missed something out of your OP, but how has the other mother made it clear your dd is not welcome?

Is there something other than just the fact that she didn't want to give your dd lifts?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:29

Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you .YANBU.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:45

How do you know your DD isn't welcome to sleepover?

That's totally different to not wanting to keep giving her lifts that you couldn't (understandably) return.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:49

Meant to say DD not cd

I wouldnt be happy letting my DDs go for a sleepover in that kind of environment either.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:03:27

I said she should have been honest instead of saying it was cancelled!

I don't think the lie is an unforgivable one though, some people find it very hard to be assertive and say no, so they hide behind an untruth.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:04:11

Euph, I couldn't care less that P has more "stuff" than DD, I was just explaining why she's so cross at not getting her own way.

Ok, the majority are saying IABU but I still don't feel comfortable about DD spending time with people who openly dislike her...

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:04:21

Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you .YANBU

Why on earth not?

As long as the woman likes the OP's DD, I can't see a problem.

I'm not particularly keen on a few of my DS's friend's parents either, but that doesn't mean the kids aren't firm friends.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:05:49

OP can you give an example of P's Mother displaying her dislike of your DD?

Because so far, you've given us nothing.

Figgygal Tue 09-Jul-13 19:06:00

Yanbu if the parent who is supposed to be an adult and who will be responsible for your Dds welfare at a sleep over wont even look at you or her on the street I wouldn't let her near her dd either

This girls mother tells her she is fat, buys her off and "drops" a carpool arrangement because the other person was seriously ill.

Its toxic.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:08:01

Cloudsandtrees -the woman blanks DD. I find a grown woman ignoring a child when they say hello, quite rude and this makes me believe DD is unwelcome?

Do you blank your DD's friends? Do you find this normal adult behaviour?

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:12:15

Worra -can you bring yourself to be civil to the kids you aren't keen on? I'm sure you, at least say hi to them?

Going back to my first point, I also believe if she liked my DD, she wouldn't have refused to have her in her car last year when she had to drive past our door.

wouldliketobethere Tue 09-Jul-13 19:12:49

As your DD is only 11, I would insist on speaking to P's mother to confirm whether she is happy to have your DD for a sleepover.

If she is not then you have your decision made for you.

If she wont speak to you then to be honest I could not allow my 11 year old to stay somewhere if the responsible adult would not speak to me. I would say to P that you cant let DD sleep over until her mother calls you about it.

If she does speak to you and is happy to have your DD stay over then perhaps you could try and mend the fences, say you have recovered and offer to give her DD some lifts since you can now reciprocate. Not saying you did anything wrong but if your DDs are still close it might not hurt to at least try to get back onto civilised terms - obviously depends how she is when you speak to her.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:12:56

Oops, drive past our door to get to the club.

fubbsy Tue 09-Jul-13 19:13:12

YANBU I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. The girls can still be friends without having sleepovers.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:15:31

Wouldlike... That is actually a very sensible idea. Next time P texts me, I will tell her I need her mum to call me first.

I am not getting into carpooling again though!

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:16:01

If she is literally ignoring your child when she actually says hello, then obviously, she is being rude. You didn't quite say that in your OP though, you said she blanks you if she sees you. She may choose not to talk to you for a variety of understandable reasons.

Like I already said, YANBU to refuse to allow your child to stay somewhere you aren't comfortable with.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:16:07

This is what I honestly think...though of course I could be wrong.

It's possible she underestimated the seriousness of your illness and the length of time it took you to recover. She might have thought you were taking the piss being home from hospital for so long, and leaving all the pick ups and drop offs to the woman and her DH?

If that's the case, perhaps she ignores your DD because she feels awkward about dropping the travel arrangements?

I could be way off here, but it sounds like a possibility.

wouldliketobethere Tue 09-Jul-13 19:16:22

Oops my previous reply cross posted with loads of other replies and extra info - well if the mother doesn't want your DD there, that is the end of it. I wouldn't let her go into such an environment at all.

NadiaWadia Tue 09-Jul-13 19:18:00

In your situation I would not be happy about this either, because of the mother's weird behaviour both to you and your DD.

Feel sorry for 'P' though. You will just have to continue being friendly and welcoming to her, as it seems your DD values the friendship, but if P insists on knowing why your DD can't sleep over at hers, maybe you will have to tell her, (diplomatically? - although it would be a very awkward conversation).

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:21:33

If she blanks your daughter and won't speak to you, how do you even know she wants your daughter at her house?

I don't actually blame you for not wanting to let her go.

It would be different if the mother seperated the girls' friendship from any problem she may or may not have with you, but if she's not able to do that then how can you know that she will not be unkind to your daughter when she's in the house?

I suggest you say to P that if she wants your daughter to stay over, then her mother needs to call you to arrange it.

If she calls and is civil then you can assume that she is mature enough to know that the children's friendship is separate from what's going on between you.

But since you say that she won't acknowledge your daughter when she says hi (ridiculous woman) then I seriously doubt she would call.

The fact that she is extending her behaviour to your child changes everything, imo.

TenToWine Tue 09-Jul-13 19:21:36

Another possibility is that somehow she genuinely thought the club was cancelled that day and then found something rude about the way you raised it with her ( ie it came across as if you were accusing her of lying when she was not), and has been waiting for you to apologise for your rudeness when she had been doing you a favour. Do you know it was definitely a deliberate lie?

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:22:11

Worra, I would feel better if that was the truth. Who knows?

I am dubious though as, I was actually in a coma and it was common knowledge at the school and sports club. She knew I was in a wheelchair when she came by to pick up DD and could probably see the dreadful state I was in physically.
Still, maybe she was so absorbed with her divorce that she didn't realise. That would be a "nicer" explanation than yhe thought that she just got sick of DD.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:23:02

Going back to my first point, I also believe if she liked my DD, she wouldn't have refused to have her in her car last year when she had to drive past our door.

I don't think this is necessarily true. She may not like your dd, or she may have liked your dd very much, and still have had other reasons for not wanting to continue doing lifts. There are lots of possibilities.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:25:31

Tentowine -that was my initial thought when I received the text, but I read, re-read and made my DH read my text and it really wasn't confrontational at all.
I know she lied because she still took her DD, having told me it was cancelled!

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:26:03

Another possibility could be that someone told her they saw you driving your car...either through mistaken identity or just shit stirring?

She got annoyed dropped the arrangement?

I don't know, I 'm just guessing.

I think you're right to tell your DD to make sure the Mum rings you, regarding the sleepover.

That way she either won't...and there'll be no problem. Or she will, and it may clear the air.

She should have been honest with you from the start, then non of this shit would be happening.

dontgowadingin Tue 09-Jul-13 19:26:32

YANBU
I would never send my DD to a home where there is clearly a toxic mother there. The friends mother sounds immature and frankly I wouldn't want my dd in the care of some one like that.

Perhaps she just got pissed off and thought you were taking the piss. Some people don't have a lot of empathy towards sick people. I wouldn't bother trying to find out why she did it.

DD friend would be welcome at mine .

thebody Tue 09-Jul-13 19:29:19

Of for goodness sake you ring the mum and ask her if its ok for your dd to stay.

Easy then to decide on her response.

Someone else ( a mutual 'friend' perhaps might have been shit stirring or whatever.

If there's a problem like this its always best to talk.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:33:40

Help! P texted again and I asked her to get her mum to call me. She said her dad will call when he gets in because her mum is busy!

What do I say to the dad now? I think I will have to ask if straight if his wife is ok about it. Or will that sound strange? Does the fact that the mum is too busy confirm my instincts? I'm really not sure of myself now sad

VinegarDrinker Tue 09-Jul-13 19:35:12

Why does your DD's 11 year old friend have your mobile number?

RedHelenB Tue 09-Jul-13 19:35:43

You need to make it clear to your dd & her friend that her mum needs to give permission for the sleepover & therefore needs to ring/text you - problem solved!

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 09-Jul-13 19:36:47

Say, P asked dd to sleepover and I just thought I should probably check you were ok with hosting a sleepover!

dontgowadingin Tue 09-Jul-13 19:37:03

confused at why people really wouldn't mind sending their child to a home where the mother can't even bring them selfs to talk to you?
I would never send my kids any where I didn't have good communication with the parents.

shewhowines Tue 09-Jul-13 19:41:15

YANBU

oreocookiez Tue 09-Jul-13 19:43:32

Me me me... My daughter has an iPhone, big deal. You sound jealous and not that pleasant yourself.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:45:30

The fact that you asked her mum to call and she replied that her dad will says something.

You should reply no, I asked for your mum.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 09-Jul-13 19:47:32

I would not be happy to send my dd either without speaking to the mum first.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Jul-13 19:47:36

If he rings, just casually say 'I wanted to check you were both fine if DD came for a sleepover as P has been asking me if it is ok'.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:49:17

Oreo -my DD has an iphone too! The reason I mentioned it was just to explain how P is not used to being refused anything -ie, she lost one and was bought a new one the next day.
Obviously irrelevant but it's been picked up on twice now and totally misinterpreted!

CrapBag Tue 09-Jul-13 19:51:17

oreo have you bothered to read the thread? The reason has nothing to do with a flippin iphone.

OP. YANBU. The mother clearly doesn't want to speak to you for god knows what reason. I would text back saying that you asked to speak to her mother. Don't let your DD go there, this seems very very odd to me. The mother sounds like a childish idiot if she blanks an 11 year old girl because of some problem in her mind with the mother.

When the dad phones, ask why you can't speak to the mum as you have noticed she has a problem with both you and your DD. Call him up on it and make him explain or he may hand the phone over.

Then tell your DDs friend to stop texting you. Why is an 11 year old texting you?

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:55:24

Why is an 11 year old texting you?

Bloody good question! Obviously she's a determined little thing. DD's phone was confiscated for the day after a spat with her brother yesterday, so P hasn't been able to contact her directly (though they were together all day!)

Jan49 Tue 09-Jul-13 19:57:12

I don't think I'd let her go for a sleepover, as the girl's mum is not willing to speak to you. You might find the dad doesn't call or if he does you could see how he sounds to see if it seems that they want your dd to come over or not, but then say something vague about your dd not being free ATM so you don't commit yourself. If the mum or dad is clearly negative about sleepovers then when P asks, just say "your mum and dad don't want dd to come to yours". You don't need to give P a reason. The parents could be busy or not like sleepovers or whatever. If P wants to know why, she can ask them.

And maybe block the dd on your phone so she can only text your dd.

CrapBag Tue 09-Jul-13 19:59:55

Wow so her friend didn't have her phone for a day and she texts the mum instead, then carries on when the mum says no!!!!!

Put a stop to that. She sounds like a right pain who really won't take no for an answer. I am one of those people though that the more I am badgered about something, the more I will dig my heals in and say no. When the dad phones, bring it up with him that you do not want his DD texting you.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 09-Jul-13 20:03:23

I wouldn't let my DC stay at someone's house if they behaved towards them as you say this woman is. Genuinely confused as to why anyone would!

By all means try to sort things with this mum and see what her problem is exactly, but if she refuses to I'd leave her to it.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 20:05:42

She sounds like a right pain who won't take no for an answer.

Yep. But I can't help feeling that the poor girl is just so bemused that someone would give no for an answer!

Anyway, no phone calls from dad and my battery is low from all this mnetting, so I'm going switch off and put my littlest to bed.
Thanks for all the input.

mrsjay Tue 09-Jul-13 20:11:01

The girls get on well and I'm not stopping P coming here but I don't want my DD to be in an environment where she is not welcome! (The mum has made that clear, she also blanks DD, not just me.)

I think you are right the mother sounds a nightmare and not that nice a person have P at your house I dont think you would settle if your dd was there with the mother snubbing her and how snidey to not pick up your dd and do you a favour when you were ill,

BridgetBidet Tue 09-Jul-13 20:22:30

To be honest she did you a real favour picking DD up and dropping her off. She couldn't do it once and told a white lie and rather than letting it go you pulled her up on it. To be honest if someone does you a favour lots of times and then doesn't do it once and you took issue with that then YWBVU. She wasn't beholden to do it at all, and if she just didn't do it once really you shouldn't have complained. It made you look very ungracious. For all you know she may well have thought it WAS cancelled.

And to be honest she has the moral high ground because she is allowing your children to continue a friendship which is obviously important and you're not.

So YABU. I think you have lost a bit of perspective on this. Perhaps you could try and talk to the mother and smooth things over, if not face to face maybe a text or note or something and apologise if you've offended her. It sounds like you might have done.

thebody Tue 09-Jul-13 20:29:17

BridgetBidet, yes exactly. Think op too sure she is right though.

BridgetBidet Tue 09-Jul-13 20:30:53

If she's having your child round to her house and for sleepovers she's obviously not blanking her and doesn't have problem with her. It's you she's got a problem with.

And I do understand, if you do someone a favour multiple times then they complain the one time you do it you would feel pissed off. And as I said, she may well have thought it was cancelled.

trackies Tue 09-Jul-13 20:32:47

YANBU no way would i send my DD to someones house who blanks me in the street, and also lied about a club being cancelled instead of dealing with it in a grown up way. She sounds very immature (the mum that is). You need to be able to at least hold a conversation with someone who is looking after your child.
Lets face it, you dont even know if the mother has agreed to having your DD over. It might just be P driving it, and the mother doesn't know. So no, until P's Mum is civil then no sleepover.
Plus the whole hitting thing between P's parents would put me off too. But if it's her ex then hopefully he wont be around during a sleepover.

ArtexMonkey Tue 09-Jul-13 20:34:04

Oh they all sound like an utter bloody nightmare op, yanbu in the slightest. It never fails to tickle me how aeriated people on mn get about lifts though, omg people! It's a lift once a week, not one of her kidneys. For the child of someone who's been in a coma ffs?

I am so glad i live in a normal place with normal people.

maddening Tue 09-Jul-13 20:37:00

I would say to p that her mother can call you to arrange a sleepover and you would be happy to discuss it as you want to be assured of arrangements.

deleted203 Tue 09-Jul-13 20:40:12

You've already said you are having visitors so it is out of the question. I would have simply said that and left it at that. And I'd be highly pissed off, frankly, at having an 11 yo texting me all bloody afternoon begging me to change my mind. I'd have put my foot down sharpish after the first couple.

marriedinwhiteagain Tue 09-Jul-13 20:41:42

You need to speak to the mum and clear the air. Go bearing cake. Did you ever thank her for all the lifts she gave your dd? The girls are friends - unfortunately we cannot chose our children's friends beyond a certain age but we can chose to give advice and guidance and set an example around civility and good manners.

I don't think the i-phone has anything to do with you. My DC have lost phones - they get replaced; partly because I want them to keep in touch with me and partly because they are insured; insured because that is sensible where pre teens and teens are concerned.

oreocookiez Tue 09-Jul-13 20:45:42

Errrrrrr why does an 11 year old
Have your mobile number! If a daughters Friend texted me I would politely say please ask your mum or dad to text me and keep saying that each time they texted. Its not appropriate

Gruntfuttocks Tue 09-Jul-13 20:45:58

YANBU. Agree with wannabe. DD at 11 is old enough for an honest answer about why she can't go to P's house as well.

Sounds like P issuing the invitation and who knows if she has actually OKed this with her Mum. Either way I certainly wouldn't let my DD go. Trust your instincts.

Moxiegirl Tue 09-Jul-13 20:53:26

Yanbu and tell her to stop texting you!

cocolepew Tue 09-Jul-13 21:00:27

I agree with artex
Yanbu.

BridgetBidet Tue 09-Jul-13 21:04:09

I think you're getting a lot of very bad advice here. Your DDs obviously care about each other and the friendship is important to them. A mountain has been made out of a molehill here and a small misunderstanding appears to have been blown up to giant proportions.

I think a small apology or conciliatory gesture is in order. Be the bigger person. I don't think your daughter will thank you if you start a vendetta about this.

The OP isnt stopping their friendship. Friendships do not need sleepovers to make them work.

The OP was just home from hospital after being in a coma I cant see how she owes anyone an apology.

thebody Tue 09-Jul-13 21:25:57

Completely agree with Bridget.

Listening to advice to be confrontational is horrible.

Lets look at the facts.

1 you were all friends

2 you became ill and your friend took your dd to an activity for 2 months and 3 weeks so she could still enjoy the activity and her child's company.

3 for some reason she thought club was cancelled

4 you phone her to tell her she was wrong and it was on.

5 your girls are still friends and the girl wants your dd to sleep over.

6 you say no and the mother ' blanks you'.

So did you say how grateful you were for her help when you were in need? Do you speak to her? Could she equally say that you blank her? Did you buy her a gift for those lifts of offer petrol?

To be honest you sound the one in the wrong here and she sounds like someone who is very hurt by your actions and her dd and your dd sound far far more mature than you to he honest.

Sorry.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Jul-13 21:35:38

But the Mum didn't think the club was cancelled, as she brought her own DD to it on that occasion, and the coach phoned the OP to find out what was happening.

mrsjay Tue 09-Jul-13 21:44:24

the mother has been blanking since the activity incident she hasnt blanked her because she said no to a sleepover I think the mother thought the OP was taking the piss about the lifts and didnt have the maturity to ask about it and it has stemmed from the mum not the OP, you dont need to be in and out of each others houses for children to be friends

Preciousbane Tue 09-Jul-13 21:48:03

I would not want my child staying in a house where it has been mentioned that the Father hit the Mother by their child.I know this cannot be completely confirmed but that alone is enough for me.

She also lied about the club being cancelled, I suppose she thought she had been doing you a favour for long enough. I had a serious illness a few years ago and was hospitalised, some people almost see you as some kind of bad luck and avoid you because they can't handle it, it's a reminder of mortality. So she may be weirded out by it, which is awful because you went through it not her.

Any arrangements going to people's houses especially for a sleepover at that age are done through parents not the dc.

BridgetBidet Tue 09-Jul-13 22:11:31

Beryl Streep. She might not have had time to do the extra pick up, she might have thought it was cancelled and subsequently heard different and managed to get her daughter there but not had time to pick up the OPs DD. Maybe she had to go shopping that night and couldn't spare the time?

The important thing is that for a lot of time she did a favour for the OP and on one occasion she didn't and now they have fallen out about it.

The issue of the father hitting the mother is totally separate. If that was me I would probably only be happy about my child staying there for short periods rather than sleepovers. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't see that it was better for my daughter if this breach with her friends mother was healed.

All this advice telling the OP to escalate the fight is really, really bad. The best thing in these circumstances is to try to heal the rift. If that doesn't work it's a different story, but the OP should at least try.

BridgetBidet Tue 09-Jul-13 22:16:55

PreciousBane it has occurred to me that perhaps there wasn't permission from the other girls mother for the OPs daughter to stay with her.

And perhaps the two girls are so upset they were planning to run away or spend a night elsewhere because they're so distressed by their mothers fighting and stopping them seeing each other.

Food for thought.

thebody Tue 09-Jul-13 22:37:41

Think the dds are the mature ones here.

Anyway op its tour call but to be honest looking at things from your 'friends' point if view I would think you were very ungrateful for my help over 3 months. Not even said thanks and when I couldn't pick up your dd in one occasion/ made a mistake/ forgot/ I was criticised and blanked by you.

My dd asked yours over and you have said no.

By the way you have no proof anyone hit anyone.

But carry in the feud if you want to.

Feel sorry for the girls.

Come in be the adult and pick up the phone.

wouldliketobethere Tue 09-Jul-13 22:47:02

The lift thing might be a red herring. Maybe someone has been gossiping about the marriage/fighting of the friend's parents and rumours are getting round and for some reason the mother thinks it is the OP spreading them. Who knows. Would be bizarre to fall out over lift arrangements when someone is in a coma/wheelchair. And I don't think the OP said she hadn't thanked the friend for these lifts although possibly not at the point when they came to an abrupt end.

WLmum Tue 09-Jul-13 22:57:53

UaNbu. I would not let my child sleep over at a house/with people I was uncomfortable with for whatever reason. I think your approach sounds perfect - girls are very welcome to be friends and hang out in public or at yours. I find it slightly odd that P is texting you - I don't have much experience of 11 year old girls but I can't imagine begging a friends mum.

My bottom line would be your child your responsibility your way.

WLmum Tue 09-Jul-13 23:02:30

And she was/us totally u to stop taking your dd to club - she drives past your door! In her shoes I would have taken and dropped off your dd indefinitely - if I'm going anyway what does it matter? She sounds a bit cracked to me.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 09-Jul-13 23:05:30

Surely if she has a problem with you then her DD wouldn't be allowed to invite yours over? The whole thing is weird.

imademarion Tue 09-Jul-13 23:15:00

This sounds tragic; two girls trying to be friends and enjoy sports and sleepovers together. Thwarted by a mum...

Not sure what all the tittle tattle about the divorce proves, other than P probably needs all the support she can get from her mates right now, including your daughter.

Have you even spoken to Ps mother? Did you take her for coffee/lunch to say thanks for all the driving when you were in hospital?

Why do you just say 'no' to sleepover invitations?

I think you need to take your ego out of the equation. It's your daughter's sports and social life here, why not facilitate and support that now you're back on your feet?

Boomba Tue 09-Jul-13 23:15:29

1 did yu thank the mther fr a the ifts whist yu were incapacitated?

2 I wudnt et my dd seep ver at a huse where the mther wudnt speak t me

thebody Tue 09-Jul-13 23:19:25

Always bloody tragic when mothers start getting so involved in their kids lives that they regress to the behaviour of the playground and 'blank' each other.

Would be funny except for the fact that there's an 11 year old here ( not ops dd) whose parents are splitting and whose dear friend is not allowed to do a normal pleasure like a sleepover.

She's so desperate she's trying to build bridges with the op herself.

Seriously can't posters see this? Empathy???

Poor kid.

Boomba Tue 09-Jul-13 23:24:02

i have empathy fr the chid

i wudnt trust the wman t take care f my chid in these circumstances thugh- my dcs have experienced their parents divrcing, and they are my pririty

Boomba Tue 09-Jul-13 23:25:02

my dc are yunger thugh--may fee different when they are 11?

Thistledew Wed 10-Jul-13 00:51:26

I would want to know the real reason that she stopped giving your DD a lift. Maybe your DD played up and she didn't want to burden you with the issue at the time, but is now waiting for you to psychically work it out and offer her an apology.

If I were you I would invite the other mother for a coffee, thank her for the times that she did give your DD a lift, but say that you felt hurt that she seemed to find it too much trouble all of a sudden but didn't do you the courtesy of being honest. Ask her if there was anything (eg, your DD's behaviour) that you need to address. This gives her the chance to deal with whatever her beef is, if she holds a genuine grievance.

If she doesn't take the chance to clear the air, then you know she is determined to continue her childish behaviour and you can know you have done what you can to resolve it.

I agree though that I wouldn't let my DD sleep at the house in the situation as it stands. What if your DD has a problem and needs the mother to call you? Is she just going to ignore it?

McGeeDiNozzo Wed 10-Jul-13 03:56:34

Some replies on this thread are just weird. I'm talking about the ones saying "They're only kids, they should be able to go round to each other's houses regardless of whether the mums like each other or not".

The situation clearly, really, really clear-as-day clearly, isn't as simple as that - serious illness, domestic violence and divorce are involved - so why on earth grossly oversimplify it to that extent just to be harsh on the OP?

I really do get the feeling that some people on here are very selective about what facts from the original post they retain. If they feel like having a go, then that's it, they just pick something they don't like from the original post and then launch, no matter what other context is presented.

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 05:43:31

the problems all seem to stem fromyour text to p's mum saying she was wrong about the club being cancelled. Was this text really necessary? She had been doing you a big favour and texts can easily sound mch difference in tone to how you intended

Yes, 'Terribly sorry I was in a coma P's mum, and couldn't reciprocate the lifts for a few weeks, can you ever find it in you to forgive me?' What a lot of old bollocks!!

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Wed 10-Jul-13 05:54:35

Asking her to call is the right thing, I bet she doesn't know know she's been asking her to stay and won't call

BoundandRebound Wed 10-Jul-13 05:57:51

Absolutely no way would I allow my child to sleep over in someone like that's house

Tell them they can sleepover at yours

Oh and I'm sorry, but as for speculation that the girls may be planning to run away together because they are tragically not being allowed to play together??!! Really? Honestly?? Ffs!!

YADNBU OP, carry on allowing P to come to yours, but don't go grovelling, and don't allow your daughter to sleep over somewhere you're not comfortable.

cory Wed 10-Jul-13 08:18:22

"Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you ."

Because an 11yo is a person in her own right, with her own social life, not an extension of her mother.

I know perfectly well that dd's best friend's parents don't think much of me. But dd and her friend have been close since primary school and are now almost adults; their friendship does not depend on us.

As for whether the mother would call the OP if the dd is uncomfortable- surely the OP's dd could take a mobile and call herself if she wanted to go home? We are talking about an 11yo not a 4yo.

As for not sending the dd to the house because of claim that father had hit mother- didn't the OP say "when the parents were divorcing", implying that they are now divorced. So if your ex had hit you (and was now your ex), would that be a reson never to have another child stay with you? How does that one work? Are you damaged goods once you have been hit?

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:31:34

i think you should try and post things out with the other mother

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:32:19

post things out

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:33:18

aaagh stupid phone 'sort things out'

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 10-Jul-13 08:42:13

Cory I don't think OP was making a judgement so much on the mother, but the situation that they are divorced, but living together, so maybe the situation could occurr again with her dd in the house(?)

TwoCrazyKids Wed 10-Jul-13 08:56:13

I think Yabu. If I was in that situation, when I recovered, I would have offered to take her dd to and from sport seeing as age did it for so long. She was passing your house but it may not have suited anymore. Maybe she wanted to go elsewhere after activity, maybe it was causing issues with an already stressful situation with her dh.

I'd call the mum to arrange the girls meeting.

outtolunchagain Wed 10-Jul-13 10:10:23

The OP said that the divorced parents were still living in the same house , I am afraid that I could not allow a dc of mine to knowingly stay in a house where there was possibly a DV problem. Plus it is fine if the mother did not like me but if they did not like my child and made that obvious then that would be a deal breaker. The OP is not stopping them being friends she has just said that she doesn't want her daughter to stay over at the others house.

Also if you read the OP 's update she says that at the point the other mother stopped giving her dd lifts she had recently come out of a coma and was in a wheelchair , so she could hardly have thought you were in a fit state to give a lift to both girls

Boomba Wed 10-Jul-13 10:21:06

Im now thinking that her ignoring you might be down to her abusive partner?

does seem a bit odd to withdraw the offer of a lift, which doesnt inconvenience her in any way, when you were so clearly and seriously poorly...

I think in your position I would knock on her door and speak to her (not in a confrontational way)....let her know you are grateful for the help and find out why she is blanking you. WHetehr I let my dd stay there would depend on how that conversation went.

I wouldnt let my children sleep over at a house where the mother wasnt speaking to me, and the other adult in the house is violent and abusive

VianneFox Wed 10-Jul-13 10:48:09

No, I wouldn't let my children stay with someone who clearly had a problem with me. She also blanks your daughter- at 11, she is still a child and it is up to you as to whether she stays at someone's house.

Trust your instincts and don't allow yourself to feel pressured by this other girl.

hatsybatsy Wed 10-Jul-13 10:59:05

YABU

I was at the same school (for 11 years) as a girl with a very toxic mother. The mother was very anti me during various stages of our school career (memorably forcing me to move out of her daughter's planned tent for guide camp - sounds petty but devastating to a 12 year old).

My mother handled the whole thing very diplomatically. She always managed to let the woman know what upset she had caused, but never ever stopped me from seeing my friend (at my house or hers).

Sorry- long winded, but if the girls are friends they have to be allowed to get on with it. Your dd just needs to know that if she feels awkward/unhappy at her friend's house, then she should come home.

Boomba Wed 10-Jul-13 10:59:22

I would also want to speak to the mum, to get her to stop her dd from texting you!!

BerylStreep Wed 10-Jul-13 12:01:20

I agree, some weird response on here.

Perhaps P's mum thought that your DH could have done some of the lifts when you were unwell?

In any event, I think you are right not to allow DD round to P's house if you think her mother would be rude to her - why expose her to that?

In relation to the sleepover, I would tell P that either her mum or dad need to phone you to discuss. Bet there will be no phone-call.

TimeofChange Wed 10-Jul-13 20:44:01

Why would anyone let their DD sleep over with people they don't trust.

The girls can be friends without spending nights together.

I think some of these replies are too harsh on Lupa.

CrapBag Thu 11-Jul-13 11:09:42

What ridiculous amounts of pure speculation on here!!!

So now the mum is ignoring this woman because of DV. Fuck me, only on MN sometimes!!!

She was giving lifts to her DDs friend who's mother was in a coma, one day she suddenly lied about it, she knew it wasn't cancelled because she took her own DD so yes she was blatantly lying, then she blanks OP ever since, refusing to say hello or look in her direction then projects this behaviour onto her DDs friend. OP wants to talk to the mother to check on this sleepover arrangement but still the mother refuses and the dad says he will call, but as yet hasn't.

No, the OP does not owe this woman an apology or any favours and she is right to keep her DD away from their house. The sleepovers are not a normal occurrence, the OP said she has P over to hers but does not allow her DD to go over there because of the mother ignoring her completely.

Facts of the actual story!

YouTheCat Thu 11-Jul-13 11:15:45

I don't think I'd want my child staying over with people like that tbh.

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