Children not invited to wedding - I'm not going either!

(198 Posts)
ruby1234 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:09:08

My DC have not been invited to our DNiece's wedding.

Background: DNiece is the DD of my DH sister.
We are not especially close, as DH is 10 years older than his DS and they did not grow up together. Our DC's from both sides are not friends as such, and have not seen each other for a few years.
DNiece is getting married at a small country manor house later in the year. There are only going to be 40 guests at the ceremony and wedding lunch, as this is the maximum amount of guests the wedding ceremony room can accommodate. There is an evening do afterwards with a band, disco and hog roast for 120 guests.
We knew the wedding date a long time in advance, and told DH'sis that we could only go to the daytime as we have a 30th birthday party to go to in the evening.
The invitations have arrived, and while me and DH are invited to the whole wedding including the evening, our DC's have only been invited to the evening - even though DH'sis knows none of us can go to the evening because of the other party.
My DH'mum says that due to only 40 guests being invited, once bridesmaids, parents, aunts, uncles and close friends have been invited there is not room for the 13 cousins (and partners) on both sides of the family, so the decision was taken not to invite any cousins to the day, just to the evening. (None of the cousins are close).
I have sent a no thanks reply for all of us for the whole wedding as I think that families should stick together at times like this, and that all of us should have been invited to the day, especially when they already knew we had other plans for the evening.
My DC are 28 and 22.

My DH'mum thinks we are being unreasonable to not go at all, and none of the other cousins or aunts/uncles seem to be miffed at the rebuff.

AIBU to say no?

AWitchOfDirtyHabits Mon 08-Jul-13 16:11:32

YABU.

biscuit

YABU.

Pootles2010 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:13:24

Say no to what you like, but you're being silly to be miffed.

Btw, what do you mean by 'at times like this'?

Sounds like they have a valid reason for not inviting them to be honest. It's not like they're inviting all the cousins apart from your dc.

Do your dc even care?

Actually, is this a reverse AIBU?

BramblyHedge Mon 08-Jul-13 16:13:45

Yabu especially as they are grown up children

Fragglewump Mon 08-Jul-13 16:13:57

Yabvu! A wedding is way more important than a birthday party. I would stay to the whole thing and have fun!

Spartak Mon 08-Jul-13 16:13:58

Is this a reverse AIBU?

ArabellaBeaumaris Mon 08-Jul-13 16:14:21

YABU.

MrsBungle Mon 08-Jul-13 16:14:29

Yabu. biscuit

MotionCity Mon 08-Jul-13 16:14:30

I thought you were going to say your children were tiny and you had a childcare issue!

I am 24 and would no longer expect to be invited to family weddings along with my parents - either they alone would be invited or I'd get a separate invite in my own right.

ilove Mon 08-Jul-13 16:14:45

I call reverse AIBU...

GoofyIsACow Mon 08-Jul-13 16:14:59

YANBU to say no if you want to but YABVU about the reason, i did exactly this with DS1's christening, my aunty kicked up such a fuss she ruined the christening and i avoid them now.
There were loads of friends we didnt invite to fit in my aunt and uncle, they came even though we had a row before hand and sat in the corner with a ducks bum mouth all day, they are very lucky i didnt tell them to get the fuck out.
It is their day, family is only important if you are close, otherwise not Im afraid.

Annakin31 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieLady Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:04

Yabu.

Ilovesunflowers Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:10

YABU. It's probably around £80 per head. Why should they pay for people they aren't close to. 13 kids would equate to over 1k. A huge amount of money.

You aren't being unreasonable to not go. You are being unreasonable to judge them and to throw a 'strop' because your kids aren't invited. They are your kids not theirs.

YABU

LittleBearPad Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:26

YABU. Their wedding their choice.

In addition your children are in their twenties and haven't seen the bride etc for years.

As for families sticking together - you sound a little like Peggy Mutchell

glastocat Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:35

Yabu and silly.

thatstoast Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:53

Your children are adults. Do they care about not being invited or are you just offended on their behalf?

It's fine to say no but I wouldn't be offended if I were you, especially as you've already told the hosts you're choosing another party over their wedding celebrations. And as you admit that none of the cousins are 'close'? Not sure what the problem is.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:54

It must be hard finding a babysitter for a 22 and 28 year old

VikingVagine Mon 08-Jul-13 16:16:03

YABVU

biscuit

isitsnowingyet Mon 08-Jul-13 16:16:07

Mmmm - I thought your children would be a lot younger, and the problem was childcare, but as they're 28 and 22 - obviously that is not the issue. It does seem unreasonable not to go. It's not like your family has been singled out for bad treatment or owt. Unless there's something I missed

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 08-Jul-13 16:16:12

People say no to weddings all the time, lots for the same reason. Not everybody has babysitters they can use.

I personally dont like evening only invites and tend to decline, as long as you let people know for catering reasons either way then its not rude.

Ragwort Mon 08-Jul-13 16:16:15

Are you for real, what 'children' of 28 and 22 would really expect to go to a small wedding of cousins that they are not particularly close to. Most 'children' of that age would be pleased NOT to be summoned to a family occasion.

So, don't go, I am sure you won't be missed with such an attitude.

Sorry, what do you mean by " stick together at times like this"?

It's a wedding not a war zone.

DeepRedBetty Mon 08-Jul-13 16:16:32

Yabu I'm afraid.

Your children plus the other cousins of the same level of relationship would have made up third of the daytime party max.

It's not their problem that you and your family who want to go to someone else's 30th that night, and you can choose.

Yabu.

You sound like a guestzilla. You have made it clear that somebody's annual event, a birthday party is more important than their wedding.

I think bride and groom sound perfectly reasonable in inviting you for lunch and you and your children for the hog roast evening do. It seems like a perfect wedding to me!

Or is this a stealth boast that you are invited to two events and chose to snub the wedding?

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 16:17:02

Really?
How odd.
You have the right to say no, as do your kiddiwinks, but I have the right to think that your response is odd. 28 and 22?
Do they have minds of their own yet?

DuelingFanjo Mon 08-Jul-13 16:17:23

YANBU to say no - you can say no to any invite you want but I think it's a bit weird for you to be so put out that two twenty somethings who don't really know the bride have not been invited.

BartyFottom Mon 08-Jul-13 16:17:31

Yeah, I reckon this is a reverse AIBU...

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 08-Jul-13 16:18:05

Oops, just seen the children are adults so sitters not an issue.

DeepRedBetty Mon 08-Jul-13 16:18:42

Sorry mystery who crept into that sentence.

Is this a reverse AIBU btw?

BatwingsAndButterflies Mon 08-Jul-13 16:18:52

YABU why should she have to include people she barely knows and push out ones she loves?

YANBU because you are doing her a favour by freeing up places for people who actually care about her.

Wallison Mon 08-Jul-13 16:19:00

Yabu. It's up to them who they invite and their reasons sound absolutely valid.

Also, aren't you being hypocritical with all of the 'families should stick together' crap (er, why, incidentally, are you under siege?) when you are quite happy to blow out a family wedding for a birthday party.

Lweji Mon 08-Jul-13 16:19:33

They are not your children.
They are your offspring. Adult.

Are you invited to their friends' weddings?

YABU.

LittleMissGerardButlerfan Mon 08-Jul-13 16:20:13

YABU I wouldn't expect an invite to my cousins weddings as I have lots of them and with all the partners and kids it would cost them a fortune.

I thought you were going to say young children not adult children too.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 08-Jul-13 16:20:38

Yabvu. Weddings are v expensive. You and your dh are invited. No cousins have been invited. What is your problem????

x2boys Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:17

when it was my cousins wedding my kids were not invited as we literally have no babysitters apart from my mum and dad [who were also going] i sent a polite a polite note saying we would nt be going due to lack of baby sitters in the end the kids were invited because I think a lot of people had done the same thing but I think my cousin and his wife have every right to invite who they wanted to their wedding some people just don't want children at weddings their wedding their choice yabu

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:30

YABsoU.

woozlebear Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:36

How very odd. YABU.

ReginaPhilangie Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:49

Are you going to struggle to get childcare for your 28 and 22 year old then? is that the problem? hmm

LastTangoInDevonshire Mon 08-Jul-13 16:22:46

Have you gone into hiding, OP?

Turniptwirl Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:18

Yabu it's not the couples fault that you have other plans, inviting your DC would cause issues if other cousins aren't invited and you said yourself they're not close

mylittlesunshine Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:43

I have similar family set up to you and I am also getting married this year in a manor house with similar number restrictions and I have done what this couple have done... I know I've annoyed certain family members by only inviting them to the evening but there literally is no more space through the day and as I don't see some cousins for many years at a time we have chosen closer family members and friends to share our day with us.

Some of my family have refused to come because of this and that's fine with us, I hate when people think they are entitled to an invite just because they are related in some way especially when they pay no interest in you any other time.

If you don't want to go then that's your choice, but your children are adults and to be fair to the bride and groom they are probably spending a fortune on you and you won't even stay for the full wedding so you might be doing them a favour by not going!

ThisWayForCrazy Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:46

I was kind of with you OP, until I read your children's ages. YABU

x2boys Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:58

I didn't read your post properly my kids were four and one at the time not 22 and 28! yabvu

DameFanny Mon 08-Jul-13 16:25:26

grin at childcare problems

ParadiseChick Mon 08-Jul-13 16:25:49

Oh for goodness sake you are being totally unreasonable. There has to be a line somewhere and you can't expect the B&G to remember everyone's plans when sending out invites. You're invited to the whole thing, decline the part you can't make.

Or don't go at all. Job done.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Mon 08-Jul-13 16:26:44

Unless you missed out a spare "months old" from that post - YABVU.

Two of my cousins married recently. Both of them invited my parents to the wedding itself but DB and I (and spouses) were only invited to the evening do. I thought it was perfectly reasonable. In both cases by the way the cousins had come to my wedding - because at the time they were children - attending as appendages of their parents rather than in their own right.

shufflehopstep Mon 08-Jul-13 16:27:13

Of course you're being unreasonable. There's no such thing as "should" when it comes to weddings particularly when it's family that you're not even close to. And it's a small wedding so they're probably having to be strict with numbers anyway. There are likely to be other people they'd rather have there than their adult cousins that they hardly ever see. Get a grip.

babyhmummy01 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:27:42

I have to agree with the consensus above, Yanbu to decline the invite but yabvvu to throw a hissy fit when your kids are adults. Ffs if they were toddlers I could maybe understand but 28 & 22 are you for real???!!!!!! Get a grip please, there are far more important things to get your knickers in a twist about I am sure

biscuit Nice troll thread. hmm

garlicsmutty Mon 08-Jul-13 16:30:05

Odd! My mother went to all my cousins' weddings. I wasn't invited. No big deal. I invited them to mine (was aiming for a horde of guests) but they didn't come, except for the one who was 5yo and came with her gran.
This is normal.

Your children are grown-ups. If they want to go, they can hang out in a pub until the evening do.

Other people's weddings are Not All About You. hmm Yabu.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 08-Jul-13 16:31:00

YABU or You Are Having A Laugh.

Not sure which one it is.confused

come on then op - its clearly a reverse so get on with the story smile

garlicsmutty Mon 08-Jul-13 16:31:21

"Families should stick together" - what, you mean things like graciously attending one another's weddings? grin

K8Middleton Mon 08-Jul-13 16:32:04

Hahahahaha! Nice try. You had me until dc are 28 and 22 grin

squeakytoy Mon 08-Jul-13 16:32:52

very odd that you would prefer to go to a 30th birthday over a family wedding.. especially "in times like these" grin

LilacPeony Mon 08-Jul-13 16:35:35

Are you still breastfeeding them? Is that the problem?

TenToWine Mon 08-Jul-13 16:35:48

DH has about 15 cousins on one side of the family and more on the other side, all reasonably close in age. Some of them invited all the cousins (plus OHs) to their wedding, some invited aunts and uncles to the whole day and cousins just in the evening and some did not invite cousins at all (no separate evening do), depending on budget and type of wedding. 30 or 40 people (counting OHs ) make a big difference. No one was offended so long as everyone was treated consistently, and they all get on well! In cases where the cousins are invited to the evening do only, the cousins (and OHs) have tended to meet up earlier in the day and have a really nice meal out somewhere before the wedding and it tends to be just as enjoyable as the wedding itself!
Chidlren of cousins are also treated consistently (generally not invited as otherwise you would be talking another 30 or 40).

nenevomito Mon 08-Jul-13 16:37:23

bitty?

MerylStrop Mon 08-Jul-13 16:38:35

The invitation is perfectly reasonable
Why would you invite grown up cousins you don't know from Adam to your wedding day, especially when numbers are limited?
I suspect a reverse AIBU

GoshlyoHeavens Mon 08-Jul-13 16:40:18

Shove it.

Families tend not stick together, it's just what governments want us to think we do to keep us all quiet.

squoosh Mon 08-Jul-13 16:42:12

I'm surprised you were invited in the first place, you sound like an entitled little Madam.

I'm willing to bet they're thrilled you're not going.

NinaHeart Mon 08-Jul-13 16:43:08

YABU. I also thought you were going to say your children were a year old or something.
My "children" are a similar age to yours and I would never expect to be invited anywhere as a family now. They are grown up!

cory Mon 08-Jul-13 16:43:45

Do your children regularly refuse invitations if Mummy is not invited?

Mylittlesunshine- Are you the bride? wink

Drunkendiva1 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:44:14

Definitely a reverse.

Trills Mon 08-Jul-13 16:44:20

YANBU to not go - an invitation is not a summons

YABU to be upset that someone has decided to invite aunts/uncles but not cousins to their wedding.

DoctorRobert Mon 08-Jul-13 16:44:26

This HAS to be a reverse AIBU

If not, YABU and are completely mad.

We had a small wedding & invited aunts/uncles but not cousins, due to space/cost/not being close to our (adult) cousins. Sounds like a very similar situation - if somebody had refused an invite because of that, would have found it extremely off indeed.

jan5 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:44:32

I do agree with the posts that you are being unreasonable. Weddings are very expensive these days and the venue is only small. As you say your adult children are not at all close to the bride and groom so how on earth would you expect them to be invited. I expect they couldn't care less about attending their cousins small wedding and would be happy not to be invited. Why are you making this into a big crisis? Feel there is something more to the story .. Think you and husband should have gone but probably better you aren't with such a negative attitude. Hope the 30th party is good!

Tee2072 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:45:33

Your children are adults. If they were to be invited, they'd get their own invitations.

YABU and a bit ignorant on wedding etiquette.

Picturesinthefirelight Mon 08-Jul-13 16:47:41

Absolutely laughable. Yabu?

formicadinosaur Mon 08-Jul-13 16:50:23

I was expecting you to tell me you had breast feeding babes but as they are adults yabu

carolthesecretary Mon 08-Jul-13 16:50:38

YABU

Weddings are expensive. Why invite people you don't even know?

Surprised you care that much about this anyway. You are planning to miss the evening do to go to a Birthday party.

YAB hilarious!

mylittlesunshine Mon 08-Jul-13 16:53:06

Pete-

I did start to panic when I was reading it! That's my biggest fear recognising a post about my own wedding grin

Mckayz Mon 08-Jul-13 16:53:08

YABU!!!

This is really weird. They are adults not small children.

FobblyWoof Mon 08-Jul-13 16:54:15

Has to be a reverse AIBU. But dear lord, either way either the OP thinks this or her aunt does so someone is being very, very unreasonable!

imademarion Mon 08-Jul-13 16:54:50

You're refusing to attend over your children not bring invited to the very small wedding of your husbands relative that you're not particularly close to anyway?

And bringing in family to back up your decision.

What delightful manners.

I imagine the bride is breaking her heart you won't be there.

nkf Mon 08-Jul-13 16:55:35

You are not being unreasonable. You have two reasons for not going. And you have declined, politely I'm sure. What's the issue?

ruby1234 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:55:58

Sorry everyone - in the time it took me to drive home from work there are 75 replies.....

Yes, it is a reverse AIBU.

My guestzilla sister in law is furious her children haven't been invited to my DD wedding.

As I said in the original OP, there are 13 cousins on both sides of the family, all adults and all with spouses/partners. We are not a close family, the cousins really only see each other at family get togethers (funerals, 18ths, 21sts etc). My DD is the first cousin to get married. The rest of the family are quite understanding of the reasons behind evening only invitations for the cousins, but my DB and his wife have taken offence big time - we have not seen their son for 4 years and their daughter for 2, the cousins are not even FB friends and do not associate with each other at all.

I was beginning to wonder if it was me, but it seems you all agree with me!

Thank you flowers

feelingvunerable Mon 08-Jul-13 16:55:59

YABU.

Have you correctly typed in the ages of your dcs btw? or are they really 2 months and 1 year. Even then you sound a bit mad.

AnotherWorld Mon 08-Jul-13 16:56:38

Whatever did happen to the thread about the family who had to choose who came to the wedding?

Branleuse Mon 08-Jul-13 16:57:01

yabu

Tee2072 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:57:15

I think reverse AIBUs should be against talk guidelines.

They are so fucking annoying.

feelingvunerable Mon 08-Jul-13 16:58:00

Oops cross posted.

in that case the family in question are barking and I would gladly accept their decline to the invite. Then do a celebration dance around the fire.

musicalmum40 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:58:26

YABU Weddings are reeealy expensive and you just can't invite everyone. That's it

Trazzletoes Mon 08-Jul-13 16:59:45

Reasonable invite (my DB did the same). If the children were adults, I wouldn't take offence. The guests can decide whether or not they want to go.

DuelingFanjo Mon 08-Jul-13 17:19:13

so... Your guests are not being unreasonable to not go. However they are creating a huge drama for stupid reasons.
Have they actually just replied saying they won't come or have they been bending your ear about why?

numbum Mon 08-Jul-13 17:25:46

I think reverse AIBUs should be against talk guidelines.They are so fucking annoying.

I agree

squoosh Mon 08-Jul-13 17:27:32

People who reverse AIBU are way more offensive than the stupid relatives who have pissed them off.

Fuck off reverse AIBU.

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 17:27:36

Me too

crashdoll Mon 08-Jul-13 17:29:14

Ok so reverse AIBUs aren't everyone's cup of char but do you have to be so damn rude?

squoosh Mon 08-Jul-13 17:30:04

Yes.

AllThatGlistens Mon 08-Jul-13 17:30:07

Reverse AIBUs again? Sigh..

Just ask the question from your own respective! It's silly and very bloody frustrating.

CheungFun Mon 08-Jul-13 17:31:06

Oops! I think reverse AIBU are quite fun to spot! grin

I think the rudest part actually is not going to the evening reception because of a birthday party...IMHO opinion I think a wedding is a one off event, whereas birthdays accur each year, therefore weddings take priority over birthdays.

Fragglewump Mon 08-Jul-13 17:31:52

It's anonymous just spit it out. Don't fuck about pretending to be someone else. FFS. angry. Think the sun has got to be - all patience has evaporated!!!

Pagwatch Mon 08-Jul-13 17:36:15

No. They are not fun. Reverse aibu are stupid.
Not least because they present the other persons position through the filter of their own annoyance. So totally pointless.

squoosh Mon 08-Jul-13 17:41:00

Exactly they're not unbiased, they are exaggerated and embellished in order to make you sympathise with their point of view.

squoosh Mon 08-Jul-13 17:41:16

As all posts are but with added deceit.

Trills Mon 08-Jul-13 17:44:35

I agree with Pag. You can't properly present someone else's view of their own reasonableness.

kali110 Mon 08-Jul-13 17:48:29

You do sound like yabvu. Your children are not kids so dont need a baby sitter. Not only would it cost so much extra money for all the cousins, there isn't room for them all. Rather than pick some cousins over others not inviting them all sounds like the fairest. If you dont want to go thats fair enough but sounds like your using your children not being invited as an excuse.

Dackyduddles Mon 08-Jul-13 17:48:45

Your sil is two stops past barking.

I'd be thrilled her and offspring weren't attending.

Snorted coffee thru nose at ages!

trackies Mon 08-Jul-13 17:49:11

I agree with you OP (the bride that is). People seem to think just cos they share some genetic material with you, that they are entitled to all sort of recognition. If they have declined, at least they are saving you money.

Euclase Mon 08-Jul-13 17:49:28

YABVU

trackies Mon 08-Jul-13 17:50:52

sorry i meant i agree that 22 and 28 year old cousins who are not close should not be invited and stupid to get annoyed about it

kali110 Mon 08-Jul-13 17:51:01

Just saw last post ruby. Thank your lucky stars they aren't going as sounds like you've had a lucky escape!enjoy your wedding

Jan49 Mon 08-Jul-13 17:58:09

YABU for the reverse AIBU.

The guests who are going to a 30th birthday party instead clearly see the birthday as more important than the wedding so they can't really complain about not all being invited.

But I think it's a bit annoying to invite guests to only part of the wedding. I don't think I'd bother to go if I was invited just to the evening.

hmm

I really think reverse aibus are a waste of time, and taking the piss of posters you are deceiving.

Jan49 Mon 08-Jul-13 18:00:22

I LOL'd at "two stops past Barking". I just looked it up and that would be Becontree.grin

holidaysarenice Mon 08-Jul-13 18:15:01

Do you not have childcare for your 22 and 28 year olds?

Or would you like the bride and groom to leave their parents at home to accomodate your children?

Panzee Mon 08-Jul-13 18:17:20

I quite like reverse AIBUs. It often weeds out who hasn't read the whole thread. grin

HorizontalRunningOnly Mon 08-Jul-13 18:21:47

YabridiculouslyU. Your 'children' are grown adults who are more than capable of getting to the weddin exception in their own r in fact planning their own social lives I'm surprises they didn't receive their own invites. How pathetic of u to miss ur nieces intimate and special day for absolutely no reason!

RandomMess Mon 08-Jul-13 18:27:26

Got to be a reverse AIBU

Doingakatereddy Mon 08-Jul-13 18:28:11

Reverse AIBU. my arse, that's five minutes of my life I'll never get back.

I'd rather play with the kids than read this nonsense

It is a reverse AIBU, HorizontalRunning.

MissStrawberry Mon 08-Jul-13 18:30:38

Why do you want to go to a wedding of someone you are not close too? Makes a mockery of you saying families "should stick together at times like this" when you don't bother with them for the rest of the time.

YABU and professionally offended.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 08-Jul-13 18:31:33

I quite like a reverse AIBU.

<ducks>

decaffwithcream Mon 08-Jul-13 18:38:36

"I think reverse AIBUs should be against talk guidelines.

They are so fucking annoying."

I can't express just how much I second this.

What is the point of them? Why pretend to be someone else in a situation you are not in?

I don't get the justification of using a reverse AIBU to "see if the answers were any different" as how do you know what the answers would have been if you posted honestly?

I don't believe the justification about reversing it in order to be more objective. How can it be objective when it's composed by the other party?

It's like asking your opponent in court if you can present their case as you want to see how the jury react to it in order to work out if you're in the right. And telling them you'll definitely put their point of view across against yourself.

I enjoy reverse AIBUs. Pointless though, but I like them.

MissStrawberry Mon 08-Jul-13 18:43:35

I post before reading the whole thread sometimes (short term memory is shot) so probably look daft now there has been the big reveal hmm.

Have reported your post Tee and suggested why you are right to MNHQ wink.

ruby1234 Mon 08-Jul-13 18:45:45

Apologies to those who find reverse AIBU so annoying - I really didn't mean it to be like that.

My SIL is really getting to me with her stance on this, she is so adamant that blood is thicker than water and that family members should come first to the point I was beginning to think I was wrong.

I am glad she's not coming to the wedding.

Sorry again. blush

RoxyFox211 Mon 08-Jul-13 18:47:13

Yabu imo

LemonBreeland Mon 08-Jul-13 18:47:20

This is almost the same thing as happened at my DBs wedding. He invited Aunts, Uncles and cousins but an Aunt took umbrage that early 20s cousins bf had not been invited. DB had never met him and was having a small wedding.

Aut declined for the whole family as db would not do as she wished. She offered to pay for his meal etc. not getting the point it was a small wedding.

annis51 Mon 08-Jul-13 18:54:12

I thought that you were going to say your children were young and that finding a babysitter was a problem. Since you don't need a babysitter why did you say no? It was nice that you were invited and you should have accepted if you were not doing anything at that time. Now that you have refused you can't change your mind so send a very nice present instead. Also when they have returned from their honeymoon invite the couple over to lunch or dinner. If they don't or can't come you don't have to invite them a second time.
All this would have been avoided if they had a traditional wedding ie in a church and afterwards at home or in the church hall. The whole event ending at 6pm and the couple leaving then. When my daughter was married 2 years ago she had a full nuptial mass in the church with 200 guests and everyone came back to our house afterwards. We put up 4 party tents to make a marquee and made lots of sandwiches. I bought 50 bottles of cava and hired glasses; my cousin and uncle served the cava and squash for the children. Later on we served tea in cups and saucers which I had hired. I made the cake and my brother-in-law iced it. It looked very nice. I made the dress and she wore a bead headress which my mother and I both wore. I made her bouquet and my sister did all the other flowers. I bought a brand new suit and hat as did my daughter as a going away outfit. She had two bridesmaids who wore dresses I made. We made the invitations and the Orders of Service and borrowed a Jaguar saloon for the day which got white ribbons from Bastons stationers. No member of either family was not invited to third cousins level. All their friends were invited. All children were invited. Over 250 were invited. Everyone had a super day and it cost less than £2000 for everything. It isn't necessary to have an expensive wedding. Children are the essence of marriage so having a party which they are not invited to is ridiculous. Maybe this is why lots of marriages end in divorce because the couple spend too much time over the colour of the tablecloths and not enough on talking about making babies. Isn't the primary purpose of marriage the procreation of children? That said my grandson's godmother is getting married at the end of the month and he isn't invited. We are invited for the evening party but not the children. So we have to get a babysitter. In the end it has been easier to let the parents go and we are looking after the children. Also I believe that the wedding is costing a lot of money. Their choice but I think that the children are sad that they aren't going - well the elder one is. He's 5 and likes parties. Time will tell.

StuntGirl Mon 08-Jul-13 18:56:39

<wipes tears from laughing at annis51's post>

BackforGood Mon 08-Jul-13 18:59:25

YABVU, and quite frankly, somewhat ridiculous.
I was going to say YABU when, at the start, I assumed you have little children who for some reason you thought you couldn't leave with anyone, but once you mention their ages..... shock

BridgetBidet Mon 08-Jul-13 19:02:04

At least she admitted it was a reverse AIBU. A lot of people don't.

My husband is from a large family and we invited all his cousins to our wedding. However sometimes for budgetary or organizational reasons some of those cousins haven't been able to return invite us when they got married and I haven't minded in the slightest. I would hate someone to have to put themselves out financially or not feel they could have the exact wedding they wanted just because they felt beholden. And they're bloody expensive and a lot of time not that much fun anyway.

squoosh Mon 08-Jul-13 19:04:33

I prefer a touch more rock n roll at a wedding Annis. Also, babies are a tad overrated really.

thegreylady Mon 08-Jul-13 19:08:35

YABU-my adult dc are not always invited to family occasions where I am included.I usually feel a passing 'miffedness' but keep it to myself and enjoy the christening/wedding whatever smile

DoJo Mon 08-Jul-13 19:15:25

YABU to think that two adults who aren't particularly well known to the bride and groom should be invited to a wedding just because they are your children? Are your children invited to the 30th birthday party? It sounds like you don't want to go to the wedding and are looking for an excuse, in which case just don't go - you don't need an excuse, just tell them that you can't make it.

DoJo Mon 08-Jul-13 19:16:53

Oh bloody hell - how long had I had this page open before replying? I swear, I had read the whole thread as it stood when I replied, just obviously been distracted more than I realised since opening it!

Bugsylugs Mon 08-Jul-13 19:17:30

Remind your sister that as blood is thicker than water she should be at the wedding not birthday of a 'water friend'

DoJo Mon 08-Jul-13 19:21:26

How can blood be thicker than water if they are off to a birthday party in the evening instead of the reception? Or is that a relative as well?

OTheHugeManatee Mon 08-Jul-13 19:22:07

YABU and a bit bonkers. It's not like you are still breastfeeding. Get a grip.

Nanny0gg Mon 08-Jul-13 21:31:23

Anyone else wish that people would RTFT??

GoofyIsACow Mon 08-Jul-13 21:37:29

Yes nanny!

Cherriesarelovely Mon 08-Jul-13 21:40:01

No it's not you OP. Your aunt is being ridiculous. The exact same thing has happened in our family this summer, cousins getting married, my parents invited to the whole do, us invited to the evening. Crumbs, they can't invite everyone, it is only a small wedding. Hope all goes well for you. Congrats on your wedding.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 08-Jul-13 21:47:23

How many people can fit 250 into their house for a wedding party....... And one and a little bit glasses of cava per guest - not a lot to drink!! smile Sounds like a good hippy dippy wedding though.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 08-Jul-13 22:27:57

What's a reverse AIBU??

Jan49 Mon 08-Jul-13 22:34:49

Anni, most people couldn't fit 250 people in their house and garden for an event. Your dd's wedding may have been inexpensive but I suspect your house isn't.wink And many people think there's more to marriage than having children.

Ruby, if family is so much more important than friends, they would surely go to the whole wedding and not accept a birthday party invitation instead. Or is the birthday a family member too? Either way, I think a wedding is more important.

WhatwouldGemmado Mon 08-Jul-13 23:00:14

Goofy
I always agree with Nanny!

aquashiv Mon 08-Jul-13 23:25:19

Whose wedding is it again let them decide.
They will either suck it up or not doesn't seem as if you are that close.

mrsyattering Mon 08-Jul-13 23:39:10

yabu! your kids are adults. why are you miffed?shock I thought this was a childcare issue

Ilovemyself Mon 08-Jul-13 23:42:14

Annis51 - I guess you are not a fan of gay marriage then!

OP. - my step sister got married a month ago and had a now children wedding simply because of the numbers. They could only fit 80 in for the ceremony and have a large number of children. Because of this our 3 ( all under 16 months at the time) had to go to my mums for the day.

We took them back for an hour or so in the evening and they loved it.

As yours are old enough to be left home alone, and the wedding is small I would say YADBU

ShellyBoobs Tue 09-Jul-13 00:01:53

What's a reverse AIBU??

Basically it's a scam where the OP cons MNers into thinking they're genuinely asking whether they're being unreasonable, where in reality they're pretending to be the person on the other end of the AIBU (if that makes sense).

grumpyoldbat Tue 09-Jul-13 00:08:40

Can someone explain why evening invitations are so offensive. I had had no idea they were until I read on MN. At least I now understand that it was me who was offensive at my wedding and not the no replies and non showing acceptees.

It's a while since I've been to a wedding but I've been to a few evening only dos and never once been offended.

Op I think you've done the fairest thing as all cousins are being treated equally. It's only unfair if you exclude one or 2 from a group only. IMHO.

FeegleFion Tue 09-Jul-13 00:08:41

I've decided I like reverse AIBU's because the posts that come after the big reveal are very amusing.

scarlettsmummy2 Tue 09-Jul-13 00:25:39

You sound like a half wit

ClayDavis Tue 09-Jul-13 01:01:38

I'm not sure someone who hasn't RTFT should really be commenting on the half wittedness or otherwise of the OP, scarlettsmummy2. grin

rootypig Tue 09-Jul-13 01:28:48

annis51 I beg your pardon but what on earth? You need to be on a street corner, not MN?

OP I dunno really, the reverse AIBU makes it difficult to judge. Can you get DSIL to post her point of view to help? grin grin

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Jul-13 01:31:21

Of course she should be allowed to bring them. They're probably still being breastfed.

Bitty?

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 09-Jul-13 07:47:06

Grumpy, i personally dislike evening events as the wedding is about two people making important vows. If you are not invited to the ceremony and just the night then its clear the couple dont see you as close enough to actual be at the wedding. The church is the best part, the night is just a party.

I also think some are purely about numbers in that if they have the small intimate wedding they want but many more to the evening its a way of ensuring lots of presents and cash.

FeegleFion Tue 09-Jul-13 07:47:12

Or OP, ask DSIL to post a reverse AIBU pretending to be you. wink

grumpyoldbat Tue 09-Jul-13 08:44:24

Omg so I've spent years being upset that that half our guests didn't come without telling us when all the time I should have been feeling guilty for being a grabby bitch.

FWIW we got married in a registry office that held 20. We just went with our parents, siblings and children. We didn't have a posh wedding breakfast for everyone to miss. TBH we were going to leave it at that but MIL felt we deserved a party so booked the function suite at the social club.

In our defence we had no wedding list and told people we just wanted to celebrate with them and didn't want presents. Think I'm going to cry now I hate to offend at upset people.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 09-Jul-13 09:08:44

Evening invitations have always been the norm for us and our family.

And in my experience evening guests usually just take a card - no present

We had 150 at our wedding (big church and simple hotel meal) and 200 in the evening. Friends and extended family were invited to the evening. It meant we could invite extra people to part of the day. (Anyone could turn up at church).

Our next door neighbours got married. We were invited to the evening as non close friends. We were not at all offended.

I think some people on mums net like to be professionally offended at anything.

Fakebook Tue 09-Jul-13 09:31:17

Annis51, are you George Banks' twin sister in personality? 😂😂😂

hollyisalovelyname Tue 09-Jul-13 09:42:38

Shelly thank you. Do does that mean the op is the bride..... I'm a tad confused still.��

ovenbun Tue 09-Jul-13 09:43:25

YABU

Ilovemyself Tue 09-Jul-13 09:44:39

Happymummyofone. How understanding of you. We can't all afford to get married in a massive venue and invite everyone. Our venue could seat 60 so that's what we invited to the ceremony. We would have loved the other 140 people that came to the evening to have been there but they wouldn't fit, and we couldn't afford the sit down meal for them.

It may be all about presents and cards to you, but for us it was all about people sharing our day.

RaisingChaotic Tue 09-Jul-13 10:09:13

OP YANBU your DIL is BVU.

Annis51, paragraphs would help in future...my eyes hurt. Btw, not everyone wants to invite 250 people no matter how much money they have.

Grumpy, not everybody is offended by evening only invites. Personally I wouldn't travel for hours to get there for an evening only but have attended local ones.

RaisingChaotic Tue 09-Jul-13 10:09:38

SIL not DIL hmm

Morloth Tue 09-Jul-13 10:11:21

YABU.

Because all 'reverse' AIBU post are automatically unreasonable IMO.

Fuck it annoys the shit out of me.

grumpyoldbat Tue 09-Jul-13 10:11:29

Raising the ones who didn't reply or accepted then didn't turn up lived a max 2 miles from the venue. Some actually lived within sight of it.

YABU

TeeBee Tue 09-Jul-13 10:16:01

Unreasonable.

RaisingChaotic Tue 09-Jul-13 10:17:16

grumpy, there could be lots of reasons they didn't turn up, it's not necessarily because they were offended by your e/o invite.

FWIW your wedding sounds lovely smile

ephemeralfairy Tue 09-Jul-13 10:43:01

Your SIL is being ridiculous, OP. It sounds like the whole 'bood-is-thicker-than-water' than water thing is being deployed as another stick to beat you with as they are fucking off the evening do for another party anyway! FWIW, for me, blood is never thicker than water unless it's my mum. I'd far rather go to the 30th birthday of a dear friend than to the wedding of family members who I'd not seen for years and wasn't close to. But then I have a big fat chip on my shoulder because I haven't got any close family other than my mum, for various unpleasant reasons

ephemeralfairy Tue 09-Jul-13 10:44:39

Just be glad they're not coming, they hardly sound like they will contribute much jollity to the day!

grumpyoldbat Tue 09-Jul-13 10:47:33

Thinking about it I don't know of any venues that would fit everyone in for a sit down meal. DH is one of 6, has 22 aunts and uncles (all of whom are married), 54 first cousins (52 are married), between them his cousins have over 100 children, many are grown up and married with children of their own. That's before we even look at my side or friends. Just not doable for many people to have weddings with everyone even when not considering the money.

TenToWine Tue 09-Jul-13 10:56:17

Who is having the 30th birthday party? is it other family? That is the bit I find oddest, that they have prioritised a birthday over a wedding, and if it is not a family birthday it makes a mockery of the blood water stance.

I suspect they dont want to come and they have a crap excuse for the evening (the birthday party) and have now found a crap excuse for the day.

trackies Tue 09-Jul-13 11:31:55

I don't find evening invites offensive. I go if its local. We did evening invites cos we couldn't afford or accommodate all guests during daytime. We certainly didn't do it for more presents or to make numbers up.

trackies Tue 09-Jul-13 11:34:25

ephemeralfairy yes I agree. My mum and that's it. I don't get why relatives are more important just cos of shared genetic material. If they were that important then you see them more often

happyyonisleepyyoni Tue 09-Jul-13 13:03:27

Guest-zilla!!!

hollyisalovelyname Tue 09-Jul-13 19:50:44

Tell her 'blood is thicker than water but love is thicker than blood'

shewhowines Tue 09-Jul-13 19:59:30

Wow YABU on so many counts, I don't know where to start.

1. Their wedding is so unimportant to you that you prioritize a 30th party.
Yet...
2. There are only 40 guests and you think your DC are more important than their cousins, so the rule should be bent for them.
3. You will only go if DC go too.
4. You actually told them all of the above, rather than make some excuse that wouldn't cause offence.
5. You actually needed to ask if YABU.

WOW

shewhowines Tue 09-Jul-13 20:00:10

Oh sorry just realised its reverse.

Belchica Tue 09-Jul-13 20:05:21

YABVU.

'At times like this families should stick together'...yet even before the invites you let bride know that her wedding was not important enough for you to be there all day as you had another party to go to. You wrote your own invite in this case! I think you hastily with your reply.

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 20:09:52

FGS! IT IS A REVERSE AIBU. OR, AS I CALL IT - A PILE OF CRAP! IT'S NOT REAL!

<goes to lie down>

nkf Tue 09-Jul-13 20:30:31

Reverse AIBUs are just made up stories. Even more made up than usual AIBUS. It really brings it home to me how much MN can be a waste of time. I'm off to the credit crunch threads. At least, you sometimes pick up some tips there.

Reading the thread s always a good start.

Bogeyface Tue 09-Jul-13 20:38:13

Assuming it all true (albeit in reverse!)

then the SIL is being massively U, but has done you a favour in being so. Some people just look for things to be offended by and this is one of them.

Bogeyface Tue 09-Jul-13 20:38:38

That is the SIL who is refusing to go , not the "SIL" who's DD didnt invite the kids!

GroupieGirl Tue 09-Jul-13 20:41:36

I love a good wedding bunfight thread. This one was shit.

OP if your daughter is old enough to get married then she's old enough to fight her own battles.

Annis WTF?! A hijack, stealth boast, and slightly veiled bigotry all in one.... Well done.

apostropheuse Tue 09-Jul-13 20:46:05

I hate reverse AIBIs.

They are irritating, stupid, pointless and well they generally piss me off.

arghhhhhh!!!!

hollyisalovelyname Thu 11-Jul-13 20:04:33

Please explain in this aibu post is the op actually the bride?

SarahAndFuck Thu 11-Jul-13 20:51:22

The OP is the mother of the bride.

SarahAndFuck Thu 11-Jul-13 20:57:43

SIL is being unreasonable.

Her grown-up children might not even want to come to the wedding.

And they are old enough to RSVP to the invite on their own.

SIL is going to another party anyway so all this nonsense about sticking together and blood being thicker than water is just a smokescreen because she wants to have her own way at someone else's wedding for the amount of time she has deigned to be there.

Your DD would be within her rights to un-invite her aunt and uncle and give their places to the cousins if she wants to.

YABU to post a reverse AIBU. Especially over something like this. Most people would have agreed with you anyway smile

lougle Thu 11-Jul-13 21:08:43

This thread. Mumsnet in a nutshell grin

Mckayz Thu 11-Jul-13 21:10:25

I'm really fucking confused.

Ipp3 Fri 12-Jul-13 20:38:26

Yabu

hollyisalovelyname Sat 13-Jul-13 02:45:12

Thanks Sarah

Whothefuckfarted Sat 13-Jul-13 08:28:10

You children are grown up. YABU. idiotic

Mia4 Sat 13-Jul-13 09:05:53

Any update OP? Is it resolved?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Sat 13-Jul-13 09:08:43

Does anyone else find it unusual that people with 28 and 22 year old children are going to a 30th party?

Mia4 Sat 13-Jul-13 10:29:31

TheDoctrineOfAllan, my presumption would be the kids were invited to it and the parents out of politeness or relationship to the kids although maybe they are close? I invited my friend's parents to my 30th, they were like secondary parents to me but only one friend's parents.

I find it very unusual these people are kicking off about a lack of all day invite when they're buggering off in the evening anyway for something 'better'

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now