He is not going on that stag do- AIBU?!

(125 Posts)
paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 09:16:04

Bit of a backstory- DP has zero organisational skills. Last year we missed his friends wedding as he forgot to book the day off work and couldn't get a swap at the last minute. More recently we had to cancel a night out he had arranged as I was working late and he hasn't checked the calendar (where all of my shifts are written!)

I have booked to go on a girls weekend in August. It was booked for Sept but we had to cancel as DP forgot to tell me about a wedding we are invited too! So I ask DP, he says its all fine and go ahead and book.

Tonight he has a look of panic on his face after remembering the weekend I have booked is actually his best friends stag do. Was it on the calendar? No. Had he told me about it earlier? No.

I'm so annoyed with him. We have had so many arguments about this and he still can't sort himself out. To make it worse some of my friends have already booked trains etc so I can re-arrange it now- especially as it was because of me that we re-arranged in the first place.

So I told him that unless he finds someone to have DD (bear in mind our families are 6 hours away) that he will not be going on the stag do!

AIBU? I feel like this is the only way he will learn. I've bought him a diary, we have weekly "meetings" to check in with what's going on and still he doesn't get it!

MortifiedAdams Mon 08-Jul-13 09:17:48

yanbu. Leave him to sort childcare.

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 09:18:10

No, that sounds reasonable.
You go and enjoy yourself, it's his fault. grin

Drunkendiva1 Mon 08-Jul-13 09:18:32

Nope, not at all-his problem so leave it to him to deal with.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 08-Jul-13 09:18:44

YANBU. He needs to learn.

Of course YANBU. He's already agreed to have DD that weekend, if he wants to make other plans that's up to him, but it's certainly not your responsibility to make them for him. Try not to get annoyed though, just don't get drawn in. This is his problem to solve, not yours.

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 09:19:18

If he can't organise himself, even with your support, then he misses out on treats. A stag night isn't essential.

aldiwhore Mon 08-Jul-13 09:19:23

YANBU. At all. I fact I think you've been more than reasonable for too long!

dexter73 Mon 08-Jul-13 09:19:53

I think that sounds fair enough for him to sort out dd then he can go.

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 09:21:19

Yanbu - harsh but fair. If he has form for this, then this is how he learns about responsibility.

mrsjay Mon 08-Jul-13 09:21:45

why should you worry about childcare his mistake he can get a baby sitter if he wants to go, do you know when the wedding is grin

freddiefrog Mon 08-Jul-13 09:22:13

YANBU

We have a rule - if it ain't on the calendar, it ain't happening, after I got totally fed up with the same scenarios as mention in your OP

After a few mishaps, DH has finally got the hang of it

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 09:23:07

It's the sort of thing I have to do with my DS.
But you aren't his mum, so no arguments or guilt about him missing things that are purely for his benefit.

sooperdooper Mon 08-Jul-13 09:23:45

YANBU, if he wants to go he sorts out child care, fair deal since he didn't mention this stag do until now

It's not until Sep, if he really wants to go that's plenty if time to arrange something

shewhowines Mon 08-Jul-13 09:24:42

YANBU. You learn by your mistakes and their consequences. He's never going to learn if you sort his mistakes out for him.

HuwEdwards Mon 08-Jul-13 09:26:31

Go. If he's that disorganised, he's probably not even got the right weekend for his stag do

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 08-Jul-13 09:28:05

Look, it's unfortunate that this is a bit shit for him, but honestly, what does he expect you to now do? Give up your weekend away because of his mistake?

Surely not. That would be so totally, unbelievably entitled and unreasonable.

This is his mistake. Eiher he fixes it, makes alternative arrangements for your DD, or sucks it up and stays home.

Please don't tell me that you're going to cave in, relent and let him go instead, one he's had an opportunity to wear you down.

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 09:29:45

Well said dondraper - I agree with everything you said.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 08-Jul-13 09:32:14

I can just see him martyring it up, big style.

But it's my best maaaaate. C'mon, you haaaaaaave to let me go, whine, whinge, paw, guilt-trip.

Don't Let Him Do It.

mrsjay Mon 08-Jul-13 09:36:34

thats what I was thinking don the Op feeling a bit sorry for him him putting on the petted lip quiver her not going to her weekend him skipping off to get pissed with her BFF dont do it op just don't

shewhowines Mon 08-Jul-13 09:36:58

Stay strong

mrsjay Mon 08-Jul-13 09:37:20

with his* not hers cos that would just be weird grin

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 08-Jul-13 09:41:23

grin

Saidar Mon 08-Jul-13 09:44:41

YANBU!

You moved your weekend once already to accommodate. You're not saying he can't go, he can go, if he sorts our childcare like you had to by moving your weekend.

As above: Stay strong.

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 08-Jul-13 09:44:56

Pathetic man!

YANBU.

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 09:47:10

Agree again Don.

His mistake is not your responsibility. The fact that it's his best mate and his one off stag do is his problem! If it's so important that he be there, then he should have made allowances for it back when he got dates in the first place! His friend - his concern!
He is treating you like his mother to even argue the toss about this! Aww silly boy has made a mistake...mummy make it aaalllll better.

It's not your role to kiss his boo boo.

foofooyeah Mon 08-Jul-13 09:48:01

YANBU - might teach him too (but doubtful)

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 09:53:30

My dh says he won't learn...but I think he might. If he has to go through the whole rigmarole of organising child care (and I have no doubt whatsoever that he will expect this task to fall to you to sort out - don't) and taking her wherever she needs to be for it, he will think twice about breezing in and waving his it's-short-notice-but-it's-all-about-me flag, and write some damn dates down on the calendar, like a fucking adult.

mrsjay Mon 08-Jul-13 09:53:45

TBh after years of dh being like this he never remembers anything I just dont care anymore to even give it a 2nd thought if i am doing something first then it is just tough ,

CaurnieBred Mon 08-Jul-13 09:56:29

YANBU - DH and I work it that whoever has something in the diary first has the dibs on those dates. If the other wants to go out on the same night then they have to arrange childcare or not go

KnittedC Mon 08-Jul-13 09:58:30

As other posters have said, you are not his Mum. If it was important enough he would have remembered earlier. YADNBU.

Sidge Mon 08-Jul-13 10:01:30

Heck no, I assume he's a grown adult man so more than capable of sorting himself out if he really has to.

How the hell does he cope with work? I find it peculiar that some people are completely lacking in organisational skills at home but manage to hold down a job...

newestbridearound Mon 08-Jul-13 10:04:36

YANBU

It would be unfair on your friends to rearrange again, plus he's the one who hasn't planned things properly, why should you miss out on your nice girly weekend as a result? Maybe it will encourage him to be more organised in future.

DonutForMyself Mon 08-Jul-13 10:06:12

He didn't take any notice of your prior commitment because its just not as important as his. He knows that you will always be there so he doesn't need to check if you are available to look after DD when he wants a night out, it goes without saying.

Please don't allow this selfish man's 'needs' trump yours OP. you have already rearranged due to his incompetence, tough shit if he can't go.

Do you think he will be able to make adequate childcare arrangements, is there a danger that he will decide he's going anyway and leave you and Dd in the lurch?

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 10:08:26

'He is treating you like his mother to even argue the toss about this! Aww silly boy has made a mistake...mummy make it aaalllll better.'

grin
That only works when they are small and cute and illiterate.
DS has learnt the realities now. OP, your husband needs to do the same and if you keep fixing stuff for him, he has no reason to change. Stop facilitating his ineptitude.

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 10:08:58

consequences

we all learn from them, no reason to think that he doesn't have to suffer from them too

go on your girls weekend and he can go to fuck smile

RaisingChaotic Mon 08-Jul-13 10:13:22

YANBU He needs to grow up and start taking responsibility. Either he organises child care for his child or he doesn't go, not your problem.

mrsjay Mon 08-Jul-13 10:14:24

the last time DH did this i was going to my friend in England for her 40th birthday arrangements made train booked blah blah a week before I was due to do he remembered he had a work do to go to a retirement I think , he honestly expected me to run around trying to find baby sitters PFFT I left him to it I dont even know or care if he went,

Agree with Don - stay strong and remember YANBU!

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 10:16:18

After all OP - how did you learn?
Let him get on with it. Be pleasant but detach.

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 10:17:07

Hooray hooray for Mrs Jay! grin

fuzzpig Mon 08-Jul-13 10:30:08

Ha, what a muppet.

Do you think he will manage to get childcare that you can trust? (ie he's not going to pick a random babysitter etc)

Stay strong!

eurozammo Mon 08-Jul-13 10:33:39

It's a problem he created so it's up to him to figure out a solution.

NatashaBee Mon 08-Jul-13 10:36:11

YANBU. He needs to learn.

Thurlow Mon 08-Jul-13 10:37:31

This is going to be utterly unanimous grin

His cock-up, his problem. If it's not on the calendar then it's not happening.

Do NOT give in an help him out!

Lweji Mon 08-Jul-13 10:38:44

Another YANBU, but you knew this. smile

5madthings Mon 08-Jul-13 10:39:05

Yanbu this is his problem to sort out.

I had this issue when i had arranged a weekend away months in advance and i reminded dp a hundred times to sort his work rota, he didnt and was working. I had my train tickets and hotel booked and paid for. He sorted childcare, i didnt get involved.

Hate hate hate the default position that childcare is for mums to sort out!

Thumbwitch Mon 08-Jul-13 10:40:27

YADNBU. Too bloody bad for him - time he learnt to think for himself and not keep relying on you to organise his life. He's an idiot.

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 10:46:55

Is the wedding someone close?

Not sure I would have reorganised a weekend in Paris for that!

Pretty good of your friends to do it imo.

I just don't understand how people can be like this.

But am wondering if you often/usually give in so he really doesn't have to bother himself with remembering anything!

Of course YANBU!

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 10:48:01

I do feel a bit guilty for putting my foot down but he does need to learn.

He has always been quite scatty- it's a running joke with all our friends and family! I think his job makes him worse as he has a secretary who keeps him (and his bosses) in check- I met her once and she said its like herding cats trying to keep them organised!

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 10:51:42

OP what was his response when you said that unless he can arrange childcare for DD he can't go? Do he see that as tantamount to just Not Going or as a challenge he's keen to undertake to ensure everyone's happy?

Lweji Mon 08-Jul-13 11:00:06

I'm sure his secretary can arrange some child care.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 08-Jul-13 11:06:51

YANBU. He knew the consequences of not being organised as its not the first time he's missed out on something because of it. If it never has a negative effect on him he will never make the effort to improve it in the future.

You have no reason to feel guilty, he's a grown up, and this is his own fault.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 11:06:51

Vivi he said that it was more than fair and he would sort childcare out.

The only concern I now have is that he will leave organising said childcare until the last minute...

MortifiedAdams Mon 08-Jul-13 11:13:00

But that shouldnt be something you are worrying about as it will.only affect him if he leaves it til the last minute.

flowery Mon 08-Jul-13 11:13:52

YABU to be annoyed with him, as he should be annoyed with himself. Him missing his friend's stag do isn't something you need to be annoyed about although his friend obviously is entitled to be annoyed.

As long as he would not be the type to go on the stag and forget to bring the kids to childcare, or leave them at home and forget about them, this is not your concern....

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 11:14:14

Why would organising at the last minute be a problem?

What I'd be more concerned about is reliable/trustworthy.

Since it's your children's welfare, I assume he can be trusted to use suitable childcare?

HaroldLloyd Mon 08-Jul-13 11:16:40

Your totally in the right! He will just have to drive dd to someone the day before & pick her up if he wants to go that badly.

Totally his fault.

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 11:21:35

Haha OP I totally sympathise. I have one of my own (scatterbrain DH)

I hope he surprises you this time smile

Crinkle77 Mon 08-Jul-13 11:24:06

YANBU. It is his fault. You checked with him first and he gave you the ok. You have tried to help him get more organised and he still can't manage it.

NicholasTeakozy Mon 08-Jul-13 11:45:27

YANBU in the slightest. If you let him off the hook again he has no incentive to change and therefore won't. You going away leaving him with your DD might be the kick up the arse he needs.

Have a great weekend with your friends. smile

OrangeLily Mon 08-Jul-13 11:53:53

YANBU. Also don't let him 'blame' you for this either when he tells his friends. I know a man like this that will easily tell his friends that its his DW's fault that he can't attend things when he actually just expects her to organise him like she's his Mother!

icecreamandsauce Mon 08-Jul-13 11:54:53

Has he perhaps got inattentive ADHD?

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

(Read down for the stuff about adults)

If he has that's not a reason to rescue his stag weekend, you still have to go on your weekend, it's just a screw up and he'll unfortunately have to live with the consequences.

But what you said about him being known as scatty, relying on a secretary at work, permanently disorganized... it's sounding a bit familiar.

People with ADHD are just the ones at the far extreme end of the spectrum for that type of thing, and lots of people are almost there but not quite - where you are exactly only really matters if you need medication.

It doesn't really change anything if he decides that does sound like him - it's a long haul to get a diagnosis even for the most obvious cases - but it might give you and him some insights into ways he can handle his disorganized tendencies.

You might think all he has to do is try harder, but in fact what he might need to do as well is to go massively over the top with visual reminders and alarms where he will see them - to a degree that you would find unnecessary or even annoying, because for most people it would be.

He's got to do whatever works, even if people around him are irritated by the fact that he needs these extra reminders and help and can't just instantly decide to be good at organisation. Just repeatedly trying and failing and being rescued by other people is not good long-term solution!

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 11:55:21

I am worried if he leaves it too the last minute he may consider more "unsuitable" childcare (e.g. BIL who would undoubtedly help out but has no kids and even more scatterbrained than DP, it would be a disaster waiting to happen!)

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 11:59:16

Interesting, icecream

I've been reading this thread with interest as my DH DOES have diagnosed adult ADHD, and this extremely poor time management/organisation is a hallmark.

Without wanting to sound like I'm starting some kind of amateur diagnosis, OP, I'm curious, does he have any other behaviours or habits which could indicate this?

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 12:08:40

You are going to capitulate at the last minute aren't you, because you don't actually trust your H to make appropriate arrangements

Is this why you have always picked up after his ridiculous messes ?

I reckon it's more that he actually has you right where he wants you, like a monkey on a stick rather than "scatty" or ADHD (am sick fo that excuse being put forward as an excuse for all sorts of manipulative behaviour)

I predict a last minute crisis that necessitates you stepping in and missing your weekend away. When that happens, makes sure he misses out to, won't you ?

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 12:09:09

*too

CaurnieBred Mon 08-Jul-13 12:09:41

He may also be one of those people who hates organising anything in advance and even the fact of putting something in the diary is committing him to doing something (even if it is something he wants to do). This act of commitment can cause some people major stress.

Whereas, if you are an anal, control freak like me, the act of not being organised makes me very stressed.

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 12:12:26

Perhaps give him a list of suitable childcare to contact?

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 12:13:59

Oh, & if he would use unsuitable childcare just so that he can go to a stag do, then he's a shit father.

yanbu!

go and enjoy your time away grin

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 12:20:15

I agree Poundland, it IS irritating when ADHD is flippantly used to excuse other behaviours. Particularly as it adds to the scepticism we face with DH's condition.

But it could be that if the OP's DH does display other symptoms of ADHD, and she does not experience manipulative behaviour from him in other aspects of their lives, then it could be something worth consideration...

icecreamandsauce Mon 08-Jul-13 12:22:53

I would want a veto on the childcare, i.e. his responsibility to sort it out, but I'd set a deadline by which it has to be sorted out and approved by both of you. Do you think something like that could work? You'd need to agree that deadline together and then stick to it. You could express it as a general rule that applies to you too, i.e. all childcare is booked with plenty of time to spare and agreed by both, last minute childcare is only OK with certain pre-agreed people.

ADHD is not an excuse, that's media @#!*% .

Knowing they have ADHD doesn't reduce someone's responsibilities or accountability - it forces them to find different ways to fullfil those responsibilities. Yes, it should lead the people around them to be aware that some things will be harder than others, because it is real and those things really will be more difficult, but it doesn't let people off their responsibilities.

An ADHD diagnosis doesn't, in the real world, ever mean someone getting to flop around saying they don't have to do things or normal rules don't apply to them. It's only in the eyes of the media looking for a straw man to knock down that it means that.

Longdistance Mon 08-Jul-13 12:27:14

I have a brilliant sign in our kitchen, that really sums up my dh. It says...

'Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine'

It gets pointed out a lot grin

YANBU

icecreamandsauce Mon 08-Jul-13 12:28:41

I like the idea of the list of suitable childcare - worth maintaining anyway for emergencies - names and phone numbers and how far ahead they typically have to be booked, how late they're willing to work for evenings, that sort of thing.

Sometimes for some relatives it really is only one person who can do the booking, the parent who's related - in that situation the person who needs to organise childcare can reasonably ask their partner to do the phoning and asking, I think, without it being seen as that person capitulating and solving the problem for them.

ActionLog Mon 08-Jul-13 12:35:14

Clearly YANBU but I suspect coming is a scenario where he arrange something less an ideal at the last minute but claims to be fine with it. Then saying if you that if you don't like it, you can cancel instead.

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 12:36:51

Indeed.

Jubelteen Mon 08-Jul-13 12:43:41

You didn't mention how of your DC are? Very easy for people to say well it's his problem, go away and leave him to get on with it, but in reality you won't relax and have a good time if you're worried about the DC. In an ideal world men would be equally responsible for arranging childcare, but reality is very different. If the DC are old enough that a weekend with 'unsuitable' childcare, e.g. an uncle who feeds them McDonalds and lets them play non-stop computer games, won't cause any lasting damage then I'd go and not worry. If they are younger babies then I'm not sure, too much stress and worry.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 08-Jul-13 12:50:01

Jubelteen - their ages are irrelevant, I think. If she doesn't make a stand, things will just carry on. I think the assumption is that he won't be able to find childcare, therefore he won't be able to go to the stag do and in future he will make a point of planning and consultation like normal people do because he will have learned his vital lesson for today.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Mon 08-Jul-13 12:50:06

He sounds like he can't be bothered to organise himself, as you've rallied round in the past. Well, actions - or rather disorganisation - has consequences. His problem, he can sort it. Don't alter your weekend away (again!) because he thinks he is more important than you. All this 'scattiness' talk is just a smokescreen for 'can't be arsed and everyone will work around me'.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 08-Jul-13 12:51:50

YADNBU.

he cocked up, so its up to him to sort it out.

There seem to be loads of threads similar to this, probably many younger couples go on same sex holidays.
My dc do this but are 18 and 21, I don't think they would intend doing this when they have a family to be responsible for.

I would state now, very clearly, what is and isn't acceptable. As icecreamandsauce suggests, I'd also give him a deadline, perhaps two weeks before the event, in which to have it ALL booked in, so that he doesn't try dumping on you at the last minute.

Please don't feel guilty OP, you have done nothing wrong. He's created this situation, and it's not your responsibilty to bend over backwards to help him out. If it were a one off, I might feel differently, but this is repeated behaviour, and he's not learning because he hasn't had to.

Heaven forbid, but what if something happened to you which meant you weren't there to bail him out all the time? How would he cope? Would he make sure your DD was properly looked after?

OhDearNigel Mon 08-Jul-13 12:58:35

I reckon it's more that he actually has you right where he wants you, like a monkey on a stick rather than "scatty" or ADHD

Complete overreaction. DH and I are woefully disorganised, our lives are totally chaotic because we are both extremely busy people. We both regularly forget things. Doesn't make either of us emotionally manipulative. Just scatty

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 13:00:27

I don't think that the ages are irrelevant tbh.

As a pp said, if very young, OP will only worry.

If older, perhaps even "scatty" BIL, although not ideal, would be OK.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 14:56:35

DD is a year old so a little too young to be left with her uncle (who lives off takeaways and likes to stay up until 3am!)

I should say, DP is wonderful in every other way. He helps round the house, does lots with DD, is kind, generous and patient. But he just isn't a natural organiser!

He feels really bad that this has happened yet again but he just can't seem to understand how he keeps getting it wrong. I do wonder if its stress (he has a very high pressure job) and that he just has too much going on some times.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 15:04:12

Yanbu tat will teach him to be more organised. He would not got the stag if he was a single parent unless he found childcare. H needs to learn

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 08-Jul-13 19:39:09

I bet he does feel really bad. I bet he's gutted! Why wouldn't he be? He's messed up, and it looks like, for once, it's going to impact on his social life, instead of someone else's.

I can so totally see you capitulating OP, when (not if) he doesn't sort childcare, and he's on the brink of missing his best mate's stag do. This has capitulation written all over it. And he knows it.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 08-Jul-13 19:42:41

I mean, if he hasn't got the basic nous to write a date down on a calendar, nor remember said date when prompted several times .... how on earth is he going to arrange suitable childcare for a one-year old?

I mean, this is actual rocket science, as far as he's concerned. Not a snowball's chance in hell he'll do it. He knows it, you know it, we know it.

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 20:07:17

Indeed (again)

Do you both have iPhones? You can get Google calendars on them and get them linked so if you add something it shows on his calendar and vice a versa.

But agree with the others he needs to sort it if he wants to go and it needs to be proper childcare.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 20:35:33

So the argument over where DD is going has begun, he is suggesting driving the 6 hours to his parents, dropping her off for the weekend then collecting her on the way back.

Hmmmm.....

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 20:36:16

Oh Ranty we already have said calendars on google- he just bloody forgets to put things in it!

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 20:37:08

Sounds fine! I take he means that he will drive.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 20:40:49

Oh yes pictish he will drive!

He has also pointed out that he may end up not going on stag do anyway as he is due a (minor) op in the next few months (date tbc) and recovery will not lend itself to an outdoorsy lads stag do.

Turniptwirl Mon 08-Jul-13 21:10:25

Don't you dare cancel for him!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 08-Jul-13 21:15:12

You do realise that coming up with clearly stupid suggestions could be seen as an attempt to manipulate you into stepping in and sorting it out, don't you?

I suggest that you say fine, you do two 6 hour drives in the space of a weekend.

I bet once you don't step in, he rethinks that idea. If I'm wrong I'LL have your daughter for the weekend!!!

Gurraun Mon 08-Jul-13 21:15:24

OP - I think we are married to the same man!!

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:22:31

I'd just say "ok, if you want to do that and you're sure your parents are happy to have her for the weekend, then that's fine." why are you arguing about it? Because it's a long drive and you'd not want to do it? but you won't have to do it, he will, and hopefully your DD will sleep for the bulk of it so it won't bother her.

If he's scatty and can't plan, don't feel the need to argue and step in because it's not a plan you'd be prepared to do. It could be that the dynamic in your relationship is he has crazy ideas and you bring them down to earth and make them workable - but in this case keep telling yourself as long as DD is safe, you do'nt have to make the logistics workable, that's his job this time.

Nod, smile and say, "ok, just let me know what you've sorted." do'nt get drawn in to the planning stage. This is not your problem so you shouldn't be having an argument about it (you might find stepping back when you know he's crap will be as hard for you as it will be for him to come up with a sensible plan).

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:25:02

oh, and stamp all over any suggest that you "aren't letting him go on the stag do" you have no problem with him going on a stag do, you are however, not cancelling your weekend away and he's got to sort childcare. That's it. not you not letting him, just that he has a DD now and can't just pop her in a drawer for the weekend.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 08-Jul-13 21:37:51

I wouldn't get drawn into a discussion about the logistics of the child care arrangements.

If he wants to do two 6 hr drives then he can do.

Tell him you are happy for your DD to stay with his parents or yours, but no one else, and it's up to him to make it happen.

Or his other choice is to give the stag do a miss.

End of discussion, no argument required.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 21:52:05

He says he is more than happy to do the drives- the stag is in Oxford which is 4 hours away anyway so he isn't bothered about another 2 hours.

The argument was more about the fact that his parents are even scattier than he is and thus would not be my first choice to look after DD. They are very eccentric and their house with floor to ceiling piles of books is not toddler friendly!

icecreamandsauce Mon 08-Jul-13 22:07:39

What would you count as adequate childcare for a whole weekend? Because if that simply isn't available then the decision is made, the stag do can't happen. If there isn't adequate childcare available then one parent has to be at home and in this case your weekend has priority having already been moved once. It's very simple and you're not under any obligation to jump through hoops and accept something you're not happy with to make it possible for you both to leave the house at the same time.

It's irrelevant that he might be happy with it but not you - someone doesn't earn the right to go out by having found childcare they are happy with but by having found childcare that both parents are happy with.

I'm not sure I'd want my OH doing a long drive with kids straight after a stag weekend when possibly still sobering up and very tired, but if you were to feel similarly the answer is No Stag Weekend, not you cancelling your weekend, because your weekend is the fixed one here.

I might rein back a bit on the 'fine for you to go if you can sort childcare' angle, if you're concerned about the quality, and turn it into 'fine if you can sort very good childcare' - if he can only sort less than ideal, given it's for a whole weekend and not just one night out, then he hasn't really solved the problem and isn't really free to leave the house.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 08-Jul-13 22:09:58

Did they let a lot of accidents happen to him when he was growing up?

YoungBritishPissArtist Mon 08-Jul-13 22:17:01

He is how old?!

Go, and let him deal with childcare.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 22:42:26

It's definitely about the quantity, yes Hecsy he did indeed have many accidents as a child, as did his brother.

I don't trust my ILs with her because they take an interest for the first half an hour then get bored. I've posted about some of their parenting "advice" before.

Also, I don't think it's fair on DD (maybe I am being a bit pfb here though) but they have never looked after her for any length of time. Never fed her or changed her nappy etc. We've offered them the chance, they just aren't interested in doing it. So it seems to be a big jump going from total lack of interest to having her for the whole weekend.

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Jul-13 05:20:58

I really don't understand all of this "my weekend", "his weekend" "his responsibility" etc crap. You both have something planned. So why not work together as a couple to sort things out so you both get to go where you want? If you're only options for babysitting are six hours away, then you need to start to look for someone closer to home, even if that is a paid babysitter. You've got a bit of time, so start having someone over a few times for short visits to get used to it, so that when the weekend rolls around, everyone is happy.

Slainte Tue 09-Jul-13 05:37:49

Midnite they need childcare for a weekend not just for a few hours.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 09-Jul-13 06:15:18

Then point that out to him and ask him why, when they <insert list of things they let happen to him> does he think that they will be good carers for his child.

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Jul-13 06:17:29

I'm aware of that Slainte, the "few hours" was referring to some trial runs with a babysitter. A babysitter audition if you will.

flowery Tue 09-Jul-13 06:21:06

Anyone who hasn't looked after her before isn't suitable childcare to have her for a weekend anyway IMO, so if they've never had her long enough to require feeding or nappy changing, they aren't suitable for the weekend regardless of other concerns you may have.

Has he actually asked them? If they've shown no interest in having her for any length of time before, why on earth would they suddenly be happy to have her for the whole weekend anyway?

PoundlandClareRayner Tue 09-Jul-13 07:04:48

Getting ridiculous now, this, and Op should brook no further silly "suggestions" from her husband

The child's father takes care of her over the weekend. He misses the stag do.

Full stop

Thumbwitch Tue 09-Jul-13 07:18:11

Hmmm. I'm now a little concerned about the "minor op" - is it something that could preclude him from looking after your DD by himself for the weekend? I do hope not. But I do hope that it is enough to prevent him driving for 6h to his parents, who don't sound at all appropriate as a childcare option!

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:08:04

I know people have personal assistants (I don't think they like being called secretaries any more) but how the hell does he manage to work in a very stressful job without being able to prioritise and organise at least some of his diary and workload? I never understand how some people seem to lose this important skill when it comes to homelife. Is it because it can be very useful to suddenly be able to disappear off due to 'forgetfulness'?

2rebecca Tue 09-Jul-13 08:21:56

I think you have to let go of making all the childcare decisions. if you were divorced then every other weekend he would have the kids and may be leaving them with members of his family.
Some mothers get too drawn into the role of organiser and vetter of suitable babysitters and then complain they can't go out because no-one meets their high standards.
It's just 1 weekend, leave him to sort it out. If you dismiss all his suggestions it will just confirm in his mind that childcare is your role and he shouldn't get involved in it.

mrsjay Tue 09-Jul-13 09:04:25

I agree with rebecca let him sort it trust him to look after his dds interests dont get drawn into it you are both her parents OP not just you who makes these decisions

Thumbwitch Tue 09-Jul-13 10:31:50

Jessica - my DH is like this to an extent as well (not quite as bad, he doesn't forget things that are happening but he leaves organising stuff around them to the last minute or to me) - but he has a home office and is a territory manager, so he has to be very organised at work.

I think because he has to do that at work, he CBA to do it at home as well - he "uses up" his organisational capacity on his job. Certainly he seems to expect me to do all his thinking for our home life (which, in general, I refuse to do)

quoteunquote Tue 09-Jul-13 11:20:35

We have joint diaries, which come up on the computer and phones, so we both can see instantly, what it booked in, and who is doing what, where and when.

That way these things cannot happen.

ActionLog Tue 09-Jul-13 14:15:24

OP - realistically is there anyone who even if available and willing is going to be suitable to look after DD for a whole weekend? If not then better to determine that now and he acknowledges he is not going.

diddl Tue 09-Jul-13 19:53:43

Forgot it was for a weekend.

A 1yr old for a weekend-that's quite a big ask tbh-may not be easy to sort out-and hardly an emergency!

I think he needs a rethink about going tbh.

paintyourbox Wed 10-Jul-13 20:10:49

Thumb in answer to your question he will be able to look after DD following his op but because of where the wound will be, driving for long periods will not be comfortable.

There are several close friends who would have DD, but they all have busy jobs and work weekends so of he doesn't ask them soon they may not be free. I am saying nothing however...

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 11-Jul-13 17:30:03

its amazing how many times this happens with my friends (they have kids i dont) so i dont need to plan childcare, but would obv tell my oh if i have plans

men seem to assume that they can go out to the pub/play golf/go fishing etc without consulting their oh

woman tell their men they are doing abc and confirm that their partners are about/free to look after kids

yes it is op's dh problem and he needs to sort it out, but would be better to try and work out a solution as a couple if you dont want inlaws tolook after your lo

Slainte Wed 24-Jul-13 15:36:53

Just wondering how this all panned out OP. Hope you all had a happy outcome.

Paintyourbox Wed 24-Jul-13 20:25:53

Well currently DP has not organised any childcare, his parents are away that weekend so can't look after DD and my parents can't get time off work.

I have booked my train tickets however so looks like he is having a weekend at home!

BiscuitDunker Wed 24-Jul-13 20:50:01

Your DH sound just like mine OP! I write everything on the calender (and on the fridge a lot of the time) so that there can be no arguements,no forgotten appointments and so that DH has a referance point and will always know what we're doing....does it make a blind bit of difference? Does it hell!

For example. This friday-DH has an appointment at 10:50 and then we have to go and see the midwife at 11:45,both are written on the calender AND the fridge...

This afternoon:-
DH- XYZ company just rang me and want to arrange a telephone interview so I've arranged it for 11:30 friday.
Me- We will be on the way to the drs at 11:30 so how are you going to manage an interview at that time when you will be driving and then going straight in to see the midwife at 11:45?
DH- We've got the midwife on friday?
Me- Yes,its on the calender and on the fridge and has been for 2weeks now and I've been reminding you everyday since friday so you wouldn't forget and go making plans for before 12!
DH- Well I didn't know did I?!

WTAF!!

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