To not give a friend a wedding present?(102 Posts)
Been friends with A for 6 years, meet up every month or so with another friend (let's call her friend B).
A is getting married soon. We have heard all about the wedding plans. B and I were hoping for an invite.
Nope- not getting invited!
Saw her last week, 160 people are going its not a sit down meal, so it's not like there isn't space for 2 more chairs/ the expense of 2 more people.
I'm gutted. I really thought we were friends & wanted to share her special day. B & I both like her OH and are really happy for her.
So- am I being unreasonable to not give her a wedding present? She told us she only wants money as they don't have their own place yet & will be moving quite a bit for a year or two, so they don't want lots of 'stuff'. (Which she could store at her parents big house)
I don't think she understands that wedding presents are supposed to set you up in life, not provide you with cash.
Do I send them a congrats card just? Can't bring myself to ever give money for wedding present, vouchers at the most.
Or do I just not bother to arrange to see her again & let the friendship go? (we've been forgotten about quite a bit since the new man came on the scene)
Come on mumsnet tell me what to do!
I only give a wedding gift if am invited to the wedding.
If I can't make it, for whatever reason, then I may still give a gift.
But if you aren't invited then no. don't bother - particularly as they are wanting cash.
I suppose a card wouldn't be out of order - but a sensitive sort may see that as an act of passive aggression?
Id send a card, definitely no present or cash.
Hmm did you not even get an evening invite?
I'd send a card, no gift, vouchers or money though.
Then let the friendship go. Sorry but she clearly doesn't value your friendship
As far as I'm concerned, a present goes hand in hand with an invite. I certainly wouldn't buy her a present or give her money. Either you are included in the celebrations, or you aren't. She's decided that you aren't.
I don't get presents for people if I'm not invited.
It's kind of as simple as that really. If I'm invited but cannot go, I send a present.
If they don't want me there then frankly that kind of says it all.
I'd send a card, just because it's polite and her (inconsiderate?!?) behaviour shouldn't dictate yours if you have your own principles.
Was expecting you to say it was a small budget wedding but if you really all are good friends it does seem a bit odd you wouldn't get invited with 160 going.
Don't know whether I'd let the friendship go though but does sound like it's fizzling out anyway.
send a card in the post no present though , seems odd you have both been friends with her for a while and she hasnt asked you , do you think she has just forgot or assumed you will be there if she is talking about the wedding with you both .
When you were made aware of her gift preferences, was it directly aimed at B and you by way of an instruction or was she just chatting in general about how they're not having a gift list and requesting monetary gifts instead from their guests?
If it's the former then she is being unspeakably rude. To instruct friends who aren't important enough to include in a large celebration to give you a specific gift is completely unacceptable and I would seriously reconsider if I would want to continue the friendship in this case.
Less rude if it is the latter, but still rather insensitive. Just idly chatting away without much consideration for you and B.
Either way, your non-invite does indicate her position on the importance of your friendships to her, so at least you know where you stand and can act accordingly.
Has she definitely not invited you, is it possible there's been a breakdown in communication? To have actually told you she wants money from you without inviting you seems incredible! Maybe there's been no formal invite because she has assumed you know that you're coming? I realise I'm clutching at straws here, but this is just really weird of her.
Sorry brilliant white - X post!
Id send a shit card.
She is a rude inconsiderate twerp.
Next time she brings up the wedding, after a minute or so I'd say "well I'm sure you'll all have a lovely day"; this sets out your understanding that you're not invited. I'd then change the subject. I think it's rude to talk at length about an event that's of no concern to other people. Wedding planning is quite dull even if you're going!
I'd send her a card but no gift.
If you're not even invited to the evening do, when 160 people are, then she has drawn her line in the sand I think. She doesn't value you.
Of course, she doesn't have to...but that would be the end of any effort on my part. There would certainly be no gift!!
To be friends with someone for 6 years and see than on such a regular basis, but not invite them to your wedding seems a bit strange seeing as its so big. But maybe evening invites haven't gone out yet?
If you aren't invited though, no present is necessary. Just out of interest, how do you know her?
Do not give her money or a gift. How bloody rude of her!
Oh and I totally agree with Zillion.
If she starts any wedding chat, cut her off with a perfunctory "I'm sure you'll all have a wonderful day" - the immediately change the subject.
I'd feel an utter atse sitting there oohing and aahing along with her, knowing I wasn't deemed important enough to invite.
You don't need to buy a present if you're not invited to the wedding. A card would be generous, but I wouldn't blame you for not feeling generous after not being invited.
I don't think I'd even send a card tbh, but maybe I'm just bitter!
Only gift if invited to wedding.
Asking for gifts is beyond cheeky, if no invite!!
Phew! You are all saying what I was thinking, but thought I might be being precious.
(Sorry no name checks but am on phone & crap memory)
She was at my house with friend B to see my new baby. (Didn't want to hold baby - odd. Plus was really smug and patronising on all chat about baby. She has no kids so no idea why)
We were of course asking her how the wedding plans were going.
B commented she thought it was awful people asked for money these days.
So A says she had put in the invites money only (ha ha my first thought was what would mumsnet think of that & wondered if there was a crappy poem )
We got over that speed bump and chatted more.
Yes I think we were fair weather friends, and for me it's fizzled!
I am sooo cross she was patronising & smug about baby. And pissed off not to get an invite.
It's an afternoon tea thing, finishing at 7pm so no evening invites. It's all or nothing.
A card definitely unless you are 100% the friendship is over and you aren't bothered about the repercussions of doing that.
I was invited to a neighbour's evening celebration but didn't go. We still gave a gift even though we weren't really friends.
For family or good friends I would always send a gift even if I could 't go to the wedding.
160 people invited and you aren't? Yup no gift for her! You realise she's taking you for granted, thinking you'll pay up anyway even though she hasn't prioritised you enough to invite you.
She sounds awful and very self indulgent!
Def do not allow her to indulge further by listening to wedding chat.
Agree with others, I don't think she values you the way you do her.
Oops missed some responses while typing.
Yup after the- have a lovely wedding then, closed the front door I thought - well I'll never bother to see her again!
Then have thought maybe that's harsh.
But as Pictish says- arse.
B says what you all say, but was also worried we would commit a terrible faux pas by not sending card and or present.
But you know what, you can't have a social faux pas if there's no friendship.
I said to B- let me ask mumsnet! My first ever IABU. was a bit trepidatious I have to say!
Arse arse arse
She's done you an enormous favour by showing how rude and self centred she is !
I wondered why a friend had gone a bit stony with me in the run up to my wedding. Another friend finally piped up and asked why she wasn't invited. The invite had gone to the wrong address - I was apparently using an old list. Friendship never recovered. However, I never see this friend which is how it happened in the first place. Sounds like this lady is being a bit of a moose. If there is a genuine reason why you can't be invited then she should have raised it early on.
Card only - no gift.
If she had a genuine reason for not inviting you and had not been a moose then I would suggest a small gift
Card only. Could it be that most of that lot are family? Extended family
I think you need to take the friendship for what it is, a monthly get together with a couple of mates having a drink and a chat but not too involved in each others lives. Then you can still go and enjoy the evening once a month with A and B and not expect or offer more than that.
I would definitely send a nice friendly wedding card and that's all.
Mortified love the card!
Tesco should actually sell that card!
She knows my address- she drove to my house!
We think she is being one of those women who drops their friends when they get a man & attach themselves to his life. This is her first boyfriend so we didn't know she had that tendency.
Ah well you win some you lose some.
B is a great friend hooray!
People without children can often be daft and come across as patronising/smug when it comes to babies IME. Even otherwise normal people. It's because it all sounds so simple when your mum/auntie/mate at work tells you about getting them to sleep through or whatever. So they feel the need to pass on this 'wisdom'. They have absolutely NO IDEA how hard it can be in practise. I just smile and nod and think 'you'll learn, one day!'
Send a card. Be polite. If she initiates a meet, they up to you whether you fancy it but don't waste energy on her, focus it on your little person instead
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Woah. Wait a minute. How do you know that she and DH (to be) have not got a huge family, loads of very old friends (i mean from birth kinds) and parents/PIL to be with lots of people they expect to be invited? Perhaps she just could not accommodate any more people. I think it is terrible to 'expect' an invitation to any wedding.
If you like your friend get her a present. I got lots of wedding presents from people i didn't even know (friends of my DP and DGP) never mind invited to the wedding.
I think you are a very mean spirited lot on MN sometimes.
Icenoslice good advice
(Like the way that rhymes!)
I thought it was odd that she didn't want a cuddle with baby then proceeded to tell us she will have one in a years time.
A bitter- ha! It's not always that easy love.
Lets face it this friendship is so over!
Laters rude lady
Card only. 160 and no invite for you puts you pretty low down in her life IMO.
<clutches at straws> When's the wedding? Maybe she hasn't actually sent the invites yet just put them together (with naff money grabby poem).
If not ditch the bitch, the least she could have done whilst giving you all the chat was set your expectations you wouldn't be invited due to...
- Her DF having 150 brothers and sisters
- Her sister was insisting all children and children's classmates were invited
- Only people earning over 150k were allowed with cash gift minimum
- MIL controlling guest list and DF wouldn't stand up to her
- ... Insert crap excuse of your choice
How self centred to go on and on when you weren't coming. Although her behaviour around your new baby (congratulations) sounds like that's no surprise.
Sorry littlewhitebag x-post and mine was sarcy but not aimed at your comment
Just bitter experience of doing our own guest list
I think the baby episode might partially explain it. .
Card. No present. I'd be feeling sore too. A small intimate wedding I'd understand, but a friend you see regularly, excited wedding chat, and a large crowd... YANBU.
But littlewhite surely if she does have a massive amount of people she is obliged to invite she'd have a conversation with the OP and B saying Listen I value your friendship and this is a bit awkward but I can't invite you to the wedding?
OP you don't think she's waiting to see if other people can't come so there's room to invite you do you? When is the wedding?
littlewhitebag i agree with you, you always upset some people when you get married unless you invite everyone you have ever met. But 6 years of meeting up once a month for 6 years seems like quite an important friendship and at the very least id expect she felt either obliged to explain why they weren't invited (in a hinty type way) or her not to go on about wedding to them. 160 guests is alot, id be upset if i were OP.
well i'd be hurt too. card but no pressie.
I think your feelings have been hurt and perhaps you are being a bit harsh?
Just wondering how much control she has over the invite list?
Maybe not so much?
I had 150+ at my wedding, DH invited 20ish, me 20ish, families the other 110 (and my 20 included my bmaids (3) and their partners (another 3) who had been 'chosen' for me years before, so in reality I invited about 15 people....
This is not necessarily the way I'd choose to do my wedding, but it was what was expected, and at some point I realised that my marriage was more important to me than the day itself, and if that was what my family had been dreaming of for many years then I was happy they were happy.
The fact that they aren't having a sit down meal or an evening do also suggests costs are a factor and perhaps 2 more invites might honestly be over what they have financially.
I would be very reluctant to hold someone's baby as I would be worried about doing something wrong due to lack of experience- not because I don't like babies or want one myself (desperately, in fact) but it would be a bit unfair for me to be characterised as odd for this.
Finally maybe she really does understand that wedding presents are to help you set up in life but geniunely will be moving a lot. The fact that her parents have a big house is honestly none of your business and may not affect her at all.
I wouldnt want to acquire a load of stuff if I knew I would have to store it al at my parents as I would never hear the end of it.
If she is a good friend generally I'd try and let go of the lack of invite...
She might have had loads of family and old friends going but she is rude to prattle on about her wedding and not explain why you're not invited!
I'd send a very plain card.
(Hate the cash request personally - urgh.)
I don't bother with presents if I'm not invited. Occasionally I'd sent a card depending on how I knew the person.
I think you're being harsh re her not wanting to hold your baby. I'm not crazy about holding newborns and I've 3 of my own<shrug>. I think most of us made silly comments before we'd kids - if anything I sometimes find new parents to be a little more patronising and smug than those who haven't kids - and I'm including myself
Card but no present.
Did she apologise for the lack of invite or justify it in some way?
What petra said.
160 sounds like alot but by the time you have got through two lots of families, the children, the people you have to invite as they invited you to theirs, and the X won't go unless Y&Z are invited also, and the filth ends of the children that they are allowed to invite to keep them company, there might genuinely not be room for any more.
Filth ends? FFA damn phone. Friends
Yes but wheresmy surely if that is the case, you apologise and explain so that people understand the reasons and don't feel hurt.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Oops sorry wrong thread
you don't seem to have much in common any more. Lose her and forget about not being invited to a party.
and definitely no gift!
I wouldn't even send a card. She's been self-absorbed, dismissive and superior.
Focus on your actual friends. Send one of them a card out of the blue, instead
Wheresmy - the ''filth ends of the children" has made my morning
This auto correct has a mind of its own seriously. I've knackered my iPhone
OP it's still not clear to me whether she actually told you and B that she expects a monetary gift from you specifically or if that's just the general protocol they've chosen.
I suspect she doesn't expect a gift from you at all. I didn't even expect gifts from those I invited let alone those we didn't. So the simple answer to your AIBU is YANBU.
I think it's partly down to you not being as important to her as you would have liked to have thought, your lives diverging, and possibly financial/family pressures on guestlist/numbers. It's yawnsome and insensitive for her to yap on about her wedding to you all the time, but it's hard when you're consumed with planning a wedding to focus on anything else at times.
I think you're clutching at straws a bit with her reaction to your baby. I think your friendship might have just run its course naturally.
Focus on your actual friends. Send one of them a card out of the blue, instead - LemonPeculiarJones
Aww, there's lovely!
Could it be that you are invited to evening doo and the invites haven't come out yet? If she has 160 then maybe they really can't add two more places? I had 128 and there wasn't one for even 1 more.
Do you know her family? Friends? If not maybe that's why? Anyhow I wouldn't worry about the gift if you don't get an invite, if you really want to go then ask if you are going to be invited. If not then I would recommend giving her a wide berth until after the wedding, see if she maintains contact.
Playing devil's advocate for a second, there may be an explanation for a non-invite: if their parents are organising/paying they may not have many friends they can invite among the family and family friends.
I would say ViviPru has it right - if she's instructed you and B to give a monetary gift she's being incredibly rude and incredibly grabby. Ignore it.
If it was mentioned in passing then it's a bit thoughtless but not malicious: a card will always be nice. I was really surprised and pleased to get a card from my neighbours, even though the wedding was miles away and we didn't invite them.
I wouldn't take it as an automatic slur on your friendship if that's the case. There are plenty of people I'd have loved to invite to our wedding, but we would have had upwards of 1000 attending if we'd had everyone along!
It's not all about you. You don't get to decide how easy or not it would be to accommodate 2 more people at the reception, or where she can store her wedding presents (that particular point was particularly silly as it is not just one step but two steps away from being anything to do with you - not even your friend's house you are suggesting, but your friend's parents' house. It is hilarious that it has not occurred to you that your friend's parents might not think it is their business what they have in their space)
don't get a present, if you don't want to, but also: it's not all about you. You sound hard work. You remind me of a friend of mine who was one of a threesome, who dropped out of a planned night out and then wouldn't let me see the other one on our own, although I was desperate for some company after a bad break up, because the whole thing had to be rescheduled to suit her. Friends shouldn't be like that
That's a bit harsh curryeater, OP wasn't saying she felt like she had a right to be invited, she wants opinion on whether to send a gift.
No, she was saying she was asking about whether she should send a gift, but the gist of it is that she thinks she should be invited, she can't see why she is not a priority and she thinks that the couple should be prepared to accommodate many tangible gifts they neither want nor need (in fact calling in favours from third parties to do so), because that is what people like the OP like to give. Actually she was complaining about the fact that this wedding is being planned with no reference to her feelings at all, and pretending she is asking whether she should therefore give a present.
Which is because whatever present she gives or doesn't give is the only thing in her control, the only thing that reasonably has anything to do with her at all. It is clear that none of the rest of it has anything to do with her. In fact, even this has little to do with her in the sense that it doesn't seem that the couple are remotely expecting a present, so this is a non-issue, which is exactly what is bothering the OP - is is not all about her, or in fact remotely about her
OMG I want to get a stash of those Tesco cards. Hilarious!
I am also loving the word yawnsomeViviP
Don't be ridiculous curryeater, OP is not the difficult one here. Going on and on about your big wedding to friends you have no intention of inviting is just bloody rude, and if you don't see that,my guess would be that so are you.
She didn't invite you and told you she wants money? Yeah, don't we all. Send her a card and consider her an acquaintance, not a friend.
Yes curryeater, your situation/particular disappointment sounds very different to the OP's.
She had the bad grace to discuss acceptable wedding presents with you while telling you you're not invited?
ha thanks littlered. Although if you knew me IRL, doubtless you'd soon get bored of all of the words I'm prone to suffix 'some' on to
How bizarre? Just send a card and no pressie and leave it at that.
Are you definitely not invited ? is it possible that you are, but you just haven't received the invites yet or they've gone to wrong place/got lost in post/someone accidentally forgot to post them?
really can't believe someone you meetup with once a month is not inviting you to their 160 guest wedding. If i was not inviting someone, i prob wouldn't be discussing it with them.
We had a few people send presents who weren't invited to our wedding, but they were all friends of our parents and wouldn't have expected an invite.
I wouldn't think she's expecting a present anyway. I would send a card, and I'd happily go to the ceremony too if I wanted to support her.
Holding the baby, you may see as a slight on your baby. It's not, lots of people who don't have their own baby are scared to hold them. My dsis was desperate to have her own, but used to refuse to hold them because they looked so fragile she was convinced she would drop them.
If she's been discussing the wedding with enthusiasm in front of you then either imo she thinks that you wouldn't expect to be invited, or she was wanting to explain why, but couldn't get the courage to say.
If she's invited 160, there's probably a reason for that, probably fire regulations in one of the venues. And it may be that if she invited you two there's 20 other people who are equally friendly with them that would then be in line for an invite. So it may not be as easy as just slipping two more in.
oh OP, i did n't want to hold babies before i had one myself. I wasn't really maternal and couldn't really see what all the fuss was about. Now that my babies are no longer babies, I love holding babies. But i wouldn't read too much into that.
If she's been discussing the wedding with enthusiasm in front of you maybe you are invited but just haven't received it yet ?
Firstly, you do not have to give a card if you are not invited. You might like to if they were eg neighbours that you liked / grew up with but weren't friends as such.
Secondly I wouldn't think too much about the 'importance' of the invite /non-invite. We had about 120 at our wedding, by the time we'd done family, god parents and parents' friends (they were paying so only fair) we had space for about 7 or 8 friends each. I know I have friends now that I wouldn't invite to a wedding or expect to be invited to theirs. Coffee morning type buddies but not the sort of people I'd keep in touch with if we moved if that makes sense. I like them, spend time with them but it's not a deep friendship.
Thirdly - loads of people don't like holding babies!
fourthly - if she is expecting a present: drop her sharpish!
Oh and maybe she has been reading the babies/children at wedding threads on here and decided you are too high risk!
Lady you could be right! Maybe it's no kids at the wedding, who knows?
But I wasn't necessarily going to bring baby anyway.
General consensus is ignore the not holding baby thing- fair enough. I think I was wound up by that point, so I then took offence at that!
Wedding is quite soon, I shouldn't think we will get invites now. Unless we are Zlist when they get some nos.
Perhaps indeed they have 160 closer friends & family than us. Still disappointed though.
Going to ignore Currys comments, as they are so harsh.
But this is AIBU- I was prepared for vipers!
yes to sending a nice wedding card.
No to sending a present or money.
No to me arranging another get together.
Thanks for the responses everyone
Definitely only buy a present if you're invited. And don't get roped into any of that bridal shower cp. Make an excuse.
Cheeky moo asking for a wedding present and no invite. Just give her a card and nothing else!
Littlewhite I think your wrong tbh. To meet up one a month sounds like a good friendship, yes I would feel slighted if I were not invited, we are not robots but humans with feelings. Ithink a card is fair enough if you have not been invited to a wedding. Some people invited to our wedding (no evening just one meal) bought a card only
I don't particularly like holding other peoples' babies and I've had 3 children myself. I mean, they're sort of cute and all, but they don't do much for me, tbh. I was even worse before I had children.
But no, no present or bridal shower present, either (when she'll want more money).
Absolutely no gift!!....... but always a believer in communication here, so would actually say to her that you think its a bit cheeky to ask for a gift from people she is not inviting!!
I was in a similar situation about ten years ago & I let the frienship slowly drift away. I met this girl through work & became what I thought quite close friends over several years. We both helped each other through hard times & I even helped her out with some wedding arrangements. I did not receive an invitation & the night before she phoned me up saying that I could come if I wanted to. It was a bit bizarre so I politely declined by saying that I had other plans for the day. Several mutual friends ( who were all invited to the wedding) informed me later
that she had got divorced after having two ds.
They encouraged me to renew contact but I didn't because it would have been awkward & I did not want her to think that I was gloating.
Hate to say it but she certainly isn't your friend if she invites
160 people to her wedding and doesn't ask you.
Give her fuck all.
I think Id grab the bull by the horns and ask her why u and b were not invited if your ditching friendship anyway
I'm also one for being upfront and ask why you haven't been invited. What's the worst that can happen? She doesn't want to be your friend anymore. If you don't ask, then it doesn't sound like your friendship is going to last anyway. It may be that she has put the invites down, intending to give them to you next time she sees you and then thought she'd posted them.
If she has no intention of inviting you and has no "good" reason for it, then move on. Unless you ask you'll never know.
And with the whole baby thing, I've had 5 babies and still have no inclination whatever to hold anyone else's. Maybe
probably I'm odd, but I really don't see why anyone would want to hold anyone else's baby at all. I would never assume that anyone wanted to hold any of mine.
Could the invite have got lost in the post?
I don't think you should ask why you're not invited. Whatever the reason, you're outside the list of people who get an available space. I have friends I didn't invite to my wedding and friends whose weddings I wasn't invited to. It hasn't had any impact on our relationships.
I would usually agree zillion ....but did those people discuss their wedding plans with you and tell you what to get them as a present?
Something just doesn't add up and, for me, that's always a good reason to open a conversation about it.
No don ask, just a card and mabey don't meet up as often and let the friendship drift if that's what you want
I think I will send a card, but not initiate any more meet ups. It's up to her I think.
She's quite churchy & we're not, so I think the clique comes first
has she actually asked you for money?
No! She mentioned it in response to Bs criticism of people asking for money.
I should have asked if they put in a poem in the invites.
(But was to miffed to bother)
Agree with your response OP. I don't care how many family and friends she has you don't discuss your wedding plans in detail with friends of several years unless you are inviting them or unless you say apologetically the reasons why you can't invite them. It's just incredibly rude.
My cousin sent the asking for money poem for her wedding this summer. She and her DP are both really lovely people but I was very torn about the twee money grabbing poem...especially as it mentioned something like "pennies for our savings pot"! Fgs! As if someone is going to send them 10p!
Otoh I can see how people who are really close to you who want to bring a gift would actually want you to have something you really wanted/needed and so may be happy to give money.
Can't understand why she would ask for money, I think she assumes you and B are coming?!
I don't think its about the lack of invite, but op thought she was much closer to this friend than than she realised, and felt slighted because the friend did not obviously feel as close to her hence the lack of invite. There fore I personally would put less effort into this ' friendship', and mabey meet every few months if op still wants to be friends with this person. Certainly the friendship would not feel the same again
Most of this thread seems to be made up of indignation because she hasn't invited the OP to the wedding but still asked her for money.
She didn't ask!!!
I think I must admit to being very confused by original post ...from which I understood that friend was discussing all wedding plans with OP, including having 160 people in the evening, plus had talked about options for cash instead of presents .....all of which indicated that she was either seriously bitchy "this is all happening but you are not coming" OR she was sharing because the OP would be sharing in some part of the day.
Of the two ....the second would be much more likely so it was reasonable to suggest talking to her as there may have been miscommunication (do we even know if all the evening invites have been sent out yet?)
If, indeed, there has only been passing mention of the event (because friend was asked about it) and no suggestion that OP should be giving a present (cash or otherwise) then I apologise for my own confusion ....and suggest OP just accepts that this is not someone who feels close enough to her to want to include her on the day!
As wedding I quite soon I don't think teir will be an invite. Surely if she did send op an invite and it got lost and sh had not therefore had an answer from op, friend would hav asked op if she was coming and had she got the invite. It is rude of friend talking in detail about te wedding to op and her friend, knowing she has not invited them, how crass!
OP - did your friend buy your new baby a gift? If she did then if I were in your shoes I would buy her a nice bottle of wine and a wedding card. If she didn't then no wedding card & no gift...let that friendship continue to sink.
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