about my Boyfriends birthday & his mum

(203 Posts)
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 22:48:30

First AIBU but I really need to know if I am .

Its my Bfs birthday on Tuesday , he has just told me he is going for a meal with his mum & family Tuesday evening so will be busy from 4 - 8 .
I have not been invited despite us been together for 3 years (we don't live together) .
He is working Tuesday morning until 1pm & i have appointments Tuesday from 1-4 (several appointments) .
He says it is not fair that i can't see him on his birthday & expects me to palm my Ds off on my Dm on a school night so i can take him out hmm I have told him i won't do this as Ds comes first & i told him to ask his mum to make it later or for the day after & he can't as she will be upset (huge case of pfb) .
I thought i was his family but apparently not confused as he does everything his mum says even if it means cancelling our plans angry

Am I been unreasonable to think that after 3 years he would see me as his family as well as his mum & sometimes put our relationship first or should I just suck it up

ParadiseChick Sun 07-Jul-13 22:56:47

Yanbu, at all. Have you meet his family?

Tommy Sun 07-Jul-13 22:59:09

and this man is how old exactly?????
confused
hmm

maddy68 Sun 07-Jul-13 22:59:24

wouldnt you have to get a babysitter if you were going out with his mum too?
You are busy all afternoon when he is seeing them
why cant you see him afterwards?
yes I do think you shoudl be invited with his mum but if they are going for an early meal you wont be back from your appointments so it was probably assumed you would be unavailable?

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 22:59:51

He's going out for his birthday and you are not invited! I can't get my head around that. And 4-8 so you could have easily brought your ds.

It sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you really. He should want you there.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 22:59:53

Yeah I have met them , he & his mum are oddly close, Still have cuddles on the sofa hmm

mummymeister Sun 07-Jul-13 23:00:47

have you not thought before that it is odd that someone you have been with for 3 years wont include you on family type events? tbh I would really start to question why we are still together. is it a convenient relationship. do you love him?

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:03:17

I don't think it's about how close he is to his mum so much as it is about how he would rather you weren't there.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:03:21

Tommy 30 on Tuesday

maddy no I wouldn't as id be able to take my Ds with it been early & I will be done with my appointments at 3.30 which he new well before these plans appeared , he has to be at his mums for 4 & they are going for the meal at 5 so I could easily of made it

Numberlock Sun 07-Jul-13 23:03:29

Dump him and find a man not a mouse.

WandaDoff Sun 07-Jul-13 23:04:12

LTB.

Seriously, this one is still firmly tied up in his Mums apron strings.

Go & find yourself a nice grownup to be with.

littleginger Sun 07-Jul-13 23:05:52

Yanbu! Dont know what to advise however because he seems totally oblivious to the oddness of tge situation by sulking because you wont go to extremes to see him at an unsuitable time.

Tbh i think any grown man who still needs loads of fuss on his birthday is ridiculous. Grow up (literally)

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:06:03

Savoy yeah I have thought about it but tbh im not that bothered about weekends away with is mum in a caravan .
Its just its his birthday & I thought he would want to spend it with me , I think i do

Ragwort Sun 07-Jul-13 23:07:30

Still have cuddles on the sofa - what, a 30 year old man cuddling his mum on the sofa? for goodness sake, what on earth are you doing with this child. Ditch him now, he sounds utterly pathetic and is clearly never going to stand on his own two feet. Have some dignity, you are worth so much more.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:08:11

Im seriously considering it , but he is all I have in this damn town , no friends or anything

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:09:20

I meant mummy not savoy

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:11:37

Ragwort Yup still has cuddles with his mum , though I thought it was just me that found it odd , I guess not

maddy68 Sun 07-Jul-13 23:11:56

but perhaps thats it - they dont want a child there - nothing to do with your personally - they just want a child free evening?

the cuddles thing we find odd because we are British - in nearly every other culture people show their affection lol

ThreeEyedRaven Sun 07-Jul-13 23:12:02

I bet if you LTB you'd soon find a new and improved social situation. He sounds ridiculously childish.

clam Sun 07-Jul-13 23:14:43

You're complaining he's not putting you first, when you've just said that you put your ds first.

bellablot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:16:09

If your staying with him because he's 'all you have' Then you need to grow a pair, dump the fanny ( cuddles with him mum on the sofa - seriously weird!!!) and find yourself some friends and a bf whose head isn't up his mothers hole! Sorry if this seems harsh but I don't understand why anyone should put up with this crap!

mynameisslimshady Sun 07-Jul-13 23:16:47

Why is a 30yo cuddling his mum weird? What will you do when your ds is 30? Push him away if he goes for a hug?

After 3 years together he should be inviting you to a family meal though, in your shoes I would take it as an indication of where I come in his life and think about if I want to be in a relationship like that for the next 3 years.

Tommy Sun 07-Jul-13 23:17:45

thanks - I guess that was a rhetorical question.....
He is an adult - he can choose how to spend his birthday. If he'd rather spend it with his mum than you then you have to take that how you think best
hmm

soontobeburns Sun 07-Jul-13 23:19:14

I could of wrote your post my fiance is the same with his parents and I can get very annoyed and jealous but im the same with my mum.

I can't believe some posters are saying LTB over this one little thing. confused

imademarion Sun 07-Jul-13 23:21:45

I have told him i won't do this as Ds comes first

Isn't that exactly what his mum has done though?

Can't you just celebrate another day?

Give you time to find and wrap a nice big pair of scissors for him to cut the apron strings.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:23:59

Clam Of course I put my Ds first don't most parents confused which is why I won't go out clubbing dure in the week .
Also if you read my post properly it says that I thought by now he would see me as family so I would of been invited to his family meal for his birthday instead of been an after thought .

Maddy Their are other children going (neices,nephews etc) & they have no problem with my Ds , also they are English very english

Three I don't have the confidence to meet anybody else

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:24:12

And why are you with such a man who does not respect you or care for you hmm. He sounds like a knob, this old be a dealbreaker for me. Leave the fecking bastard!!!!!

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:31:23

Myname its weird because it wasn't just a cuddle he was led on the sofa having cuddles & quit frankly yes I would find it a bit odd if my 30 yo Ds was to do this .

Tommy He didnt choose his mum told him & he won't say no to her .

Bella I know , just taking a while to work up the courage

Imade Yes but he is not 4 years old & doesn't have school in the morning

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:32:53

Nieces and nephews but not you. That's awful. Really it is.

To have a relationship with someone for three years and not to be invited to their birthday meal.

It's horrible.

McBalls Sun 07-Jul-13 23:33:46

His mum is not the problem, his relationship with his mum is not the problem.
The fact the he doesn't include you -after 3 years- in a family meal for his birthday tells you loud and clear how little he thinks of you.
Or is it maybe that he knows how much you dislike his mum and is avoiding awkwardness?

Tommy Sun 07-Jul-13 23:36:24

I go to my earlier question: how old is he?!
hmm

bellablot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:37:47

Why doesn't anyone else think that his mum leading him to the sofa for 'cuddles' at 30 fecking years old is not just plain weird? Men who have relationships like this with their mums are nothing more than wimps. Look, his mum is probably still wiping his arse so get out of the relationship now whilst you still can, you already have one DS to look after

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:39:51

Tommy 30 on Tuesday - she said

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:40:07

Get yourself a grown up and dump the boy

Tommy Sun 07-Jul-13 23:41:21

yes - I know how old he is...... behaving like a 4 year old.
that is my point
hmm

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:41:37

I don't dislike his mum , I just don't want to spend 4 days in a caravan with her .

I have just spoke to him & asked why me & Ds are not invited & he said he would ask his mum confused
I even offered to pay for me & Ds but tbh id rather not go now .
Also now I know this is not all in my imagination I will be trying to leave him as can't be in a relationship with him while he is still tied to the apron strings

littleginger Sun 07-Jul-13 23:41:58

I agree with others. Someone has said that it would be ott to ltb for this one thing but i think its very indicative of what he must be like and i cant imagine wanting to put up with that behaviour in the long term.
If 3 years is not established enough for you to be invited to these occasions then when would be?

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:43:55

Whoops! grin

"Trying to leave him" What do you mean? You don't live with him. Just dump him if that's what you want.

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:44:21

He would ask him mum! How old I he 6 that he needs to get his mums permission and can't speak for himself shock. No op you need a man not a boy

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:46:29

Savoy He is the type to do the guilt trip/suicide thing so need to try & do it lightly iyswim

McBalls Sun 07-Jul-13 23:46:40

He will ask his mum if he's allowed to invite you to his birthday meal???

Honestly, this tells you everything you will ever need to know about this man.

You can't say you haven't been warned what to expect.

You'd be fucking crazy to continue seeing him.

fabergeegg Sun 07-Jul-13 23:47:11

I'd be concerned. On the face of it, your boyfriend's family is not accepting your role in his life, and your boyfriend is not prioritising your role either. I have a fear of parents in law who aren't given a clear boundary line. Endless nightmare. If you're the only one with a small child, hard to see why the parents can't make it later.

Are you sure you've done everything you can to make things friendly between his parents and yourself? Do they know you'd happily come if asked?

I think maybe I would find a babysitter for one night of the year though. If it's something that really matters to him.

McBalls Sun 07-Jul-13 23:47:41

Oh bollocks, now you're sounding as juvenile as him.

If you want to dump him, dump him.

fabergeegg Sun 07-Jul-13 23:47:47

sorry, should have read the thread

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:49:47

McBalls hmm thanks

bellablot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:50:58

What does this man do for a living?

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:53:19

I think McBalls is saying, you don't need to play his games. His guilt trip\suicide games. He's not your responsibility. He's going to kill himself because you dump him, but he doesn't want you at his birthday meal.

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:55:42

Just dump him, he's not your responsibility, let mummy do it

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 00:03:35

Bellablot he has just started his own buisness building Vivariums

MrsMook Mon 08-Jul-13 00:06:08

If you are not happy with the BF- mother triangle relationship. Leave him. Don't try. Don't think. Don't drag it out. Just do it. Get it over and done with. If you don't end it, what will the future be in a year, 5 years, 10 years.

It sounds like he already has a woman in his life- his mother. If he can't assert himself over his own 30th birthday plans, let her pick up the peices. Don't feel guilty. Free yourself to find someone worthy of you and DS to be a family with.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you won't be happy unless there's a major change to the relationship, and I can't see a relationship saving change about to happen in a hurry.

Fedupnagging Mon 08-Jul-13 00:07:52

A 30yr old asking his Mum if his girlfriend of 3yrs can go out with them on his birthday? In answer to your original post, yadnbu.

After 3 years, I think that you should be a little higher in the pecking order/thought process. Guess you have to decide what you want to do about it, if anything.

Lots of advice here, but the decision is yours.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 00:15:10

MrsMook your right I don't want to be in the same position in 5 years or even 1 .

Thanks everybody , I thought I was imagining things .
I will definitely ltb as me & Ds deserve much better thanks

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 08-Jul-13 00:17:39

Get out OP. This situation sounds unhealthy for everyone involved. Especially your DS.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 00:18:08

Good on you crazy, you deserve much better, a man who loves and respects you, no one who has to ask his mummy if you can attend his 3 30 birthday party and hi drops pnswithyou if. Is needed by mummy

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 00:19:44

Another LTB response, and agree that there is no reason for you to feel guilty. If he doesn't care enough about you and your child to invite you both to celebrate his birthday then "I can't live without you" protestations are just laughable.
After 3 years together his 40th birthday should have been something you planned together, not him and his mum.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 00:20:16

Drops plans with you I meant

I agree - the relationship isn't salvageable IMO.

missingmumxox Mon 08-Jul-13 00:38:26

Dump him, I say this in full confidence that I bloody hope I can still have a cuddle with my Ds's when they are 30, without being labelled weird, and also hope that if I hated the chosen partner of my child, that I would invite them to everything even if they seemed to make my child happy or unhappy.
On the suicide thing, you are not responsible for them, I had a boyfriend do this to me midway through me dumping him, we where out and eating a meal, I said okay then, lets call this your last supper! he has gone on to marry a wonderful lady he met in Thailand when he worked there, has 2 amazing daughters and I was counselling a male friend through leaving a girlfriend who said the same, he phoned me before his holiday with his brother, to say she was away for 2 weeks for work and he was on holiday he would tell her when he got back.
Unfortunately he was killed on holiday before he got round to it, she killed herself a month after his death, nothing he could do, he was dead, so therefore you have to do what you need to do and get on with your life as in you don't know what is round the corner for you, in a majority of cases these threats are empty and used to control you, it is only the odd rare case as in my friends that the person actually carries it out.

I do hope the above story make sense as in it seems to say Oh if you dump him he could kill himself, but if you where to die, do you really think he would do this? from your story I doubt it.

Jux Mon 08-Jul-13 01:57:22

It's odd that he's the one complaining about not being able to see you on his birthday and expecting you to dump ds so he can, when all he has to do is take you to the meal. That way he'll get his wish. But he won't will he?

Glad you're thinking of dumping him. I think you will be happier with someone who does see you as family after 3 years, doesn't have to ask permission to take you to family things, and includes ds in everything because you and ds come as a package.

There is someone out there for you, who will treat you with love and respect, and your son. You won't meet him if you hang on to Mummy's Boy.

Rulesgirl Mon 08-Jul-13 02:09:03

Are you living together? Sorry havnt read the entire thread properly but was just wondering if maybe his family are the ones who don't want you there. Do they not like you.....maybe????confused

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 07:27:52

Nope not living together

WhatWouldBeyonceDo Mon 08-Jul-13 07:39:40

He's 30 shock

LTB- this will never change.

ENormaSnob Mon 08-Jul-13 08:25:19

Eww are you having sex with this manchild?

A hug between mother and son is a whole different ballgame to snuggles lying on the sofa. Thats just weird as fuck.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Mon 08-Jul-13 08:35:12

DH, his parents and brother do an acitivity for each of their birthdays, partners not invited. I see it as a family quirk, and don't have a problem with it because PILs make SIL and me very welcome the rest of the time - we're usually invited for dinner before they go and do the activity.

They're very close in what seems a healthy way, no weird cuddles on the sofa, so I don't mind some "bonding" time that gives me reading-a-book-in-peace time. I wouldn't be happy with your BF's set-up from what you've said, it sounds like apron strings need to be cut.

Samu2 Mon 08-Jul-13 08:50:02

Mummy's boy to the extent they cuddle on the sofa? instant dealbreaker for me.

A hug? sure that is normal.. a cuddle on the sofa? imo that is just fucking weird and I would be seriously turned off if my husband did that hmm

This relationship is going nowhere is it?

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 09:03:33

Nah it really isn't at all .

Glad im not the only one that finds the cuddles on the sofa weird <I cringe just saying it>

Man child grin

shewhowines Mon 08-Jul-13 09:12:10

If it was just parents, I could just about understand it, but for the whole family to be there. I couldn't get past the fact that he was ok about it and will only ask his mum because you have asked him to.

It does sound as if you know what you have to do. I wouldn't LTB for this one off but you do need to think how he is with you generally. Some serious, serious talking is in order for this relationship to be able to move on. It does look like it is make or break time.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 09:21:00

The catisuptheduff, its his birthday and he should invite who he wants, not have to ask his mummy permission, unless he does not want op there! There are other red flags too, like dropping plans with op for mummy. Then he sulks when dd puts her CHILDREN (yes Chidren under 18) before him and insists she cancel plans with her Chidren for his birthday, and tells op to take him out shock, the cheek. Sorry this is not an equal relationship, he sounds like he does not respect or love you. Mummy will always be number 1

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 09:22:07

For that op your wasting time with this boy

pianodoodle Mon 08-Jul-13 09:34:13

Agree with all he sounds like a brat.

Especially "expecting" you will take him out afterwards, and more especially having to ask his mum why you're not invited.

Burmobasher Mon 08-Jul-13 10:26:23

FWIW, I think ending it is the right thing to do. I think it's really mean not to invite you and your ds to the meal and sends out a very clear message. The thought of you staying with him makes me sad and I am sure you and your ds deserve better.
And yes, the cuddles thing is icky

LaRegina Mon 08-Jul-13 10:31:04

Ew OP how can you ever possibly have rude thoughts about a grown man who still has cuddles on the sofa with his mum? shock

Dump this little boy and find yourself a maaan smile

gotthemoononastick Mon 08-Jul-13 11:03:05

He is wasting your time and I bet his family class you as "having baggage",because you already have a child.This is not uncommon,believe me and it never ends well.

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 11:15:46

The cuddles thing doesn't bother me. I still cuddle my 16 year old (when he'll let me). Depends on how long the cuddle lasts and how often I suppose. A couple of minutes every week or so is fine. Cuddling for hours frequently is strange. Most men just wouldn't want that. Was he lying on the sofa having a cuddle? Were they intertwined? That is odd as an adult unless you are consoling them. I think my 16 year old would think me odd if I wanted to lie next to him/ on top of him and cuddle him. it wouldn't happen.
Sittling next to each other and having a quick hug is fine.

cantspel Mon 08-Jul-13 11:20:41

He doesn't see you as his life time partner if after 3 years you are not living together, engaged or have some firm plan for future cohabitation .

Cut your losses and move on.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 13:02:48

La grin

2 It isn't a quick hug , he lays on her lap etc

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 08-Jul-13 13:05:40

He lays on her lap?

He's 30?

Run like the wind.

Mummy dearest would be coming on your honeymoon and sleeping in your bed

JerseySpud Mon 08-Jul-13 13:11:27

You're not dating my cousin are you?

JerseySpud Mon 08-Jul-13 13:16:00

Because it sounds just like him. I think hes about 35 though

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 14:52:22

Omg op that's not normal, ditch the toddler and get yourself a maaaaan

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 14:55:04

grin

LTB! If you ever do manage to supplant his mother in his affections, he'd expect you to take over the mummy role. Just leave him to have his special cuddles, you'll find a grown-up to hang out with soon enough.

raisah Mon 08-Jul-13 16:49:46

I would turn up at the restaurant with a gift and a smile and from the reception I get I would decide whether the relationship was worth continuing or not.

After three years together, you should be a part of his life not stuck in the p/t gf compartment. He is putting himself first (men are good at this) so you should copy him and prioritise your son & yourself. Leave him & get a better model or not but do dump him!

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 08-Jul-13 16:57:57

You don't 'try' to leave someone op hmm

It is very easy.

Put up or shut up grin

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 08-Jul-13 16:59:29

Ewww just read the 'he lays on her lap' bit.

Run OP, Run like the wind!

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 08-Jul-13 17:04:29

Actually...

You know that psycho film, the one with the shower scene.

Remember how that guy kept that dessicated corpse of his mum in an armchair and talked to it?

That'll be your livingroom in 40 years time!

wink

Squitten Mon 08-Jul-13 17:04:44

30?!?! shock

OP, just phone him right now and tell him you're done with him.

Honestly, do you really think he's going to top himself? No, me neither. And if he is really that juvenile that he's going to try and kill himself because his GF has dumped him, then his devoted Mummy can deal with the fallout.

You are in such a wonderful position in that you are not tied to him in any way beyond your own head. Run like the wind while you can and look forward to meeting an actual adult man who you can make a life with.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 17:21:52

Lookingfor grin

I have txt saying its over blush

Squitten Mon 08-Jul-13 17:24:55

Marvellous!!!

Don't take any phone calls from him or get drawn into text conversations.

It's now officially over and you owe him NOTHING

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 08-Jul-13 17:29:27

You CAN definitely do better op grin

Thats brilliant, now I can sleep at night knowing you are not being dragged into a horror movie!!!

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 17:31:17

Horror Movie I can actually picture that grin

I have blocked his number <the joys of technology>

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 17:42:31

Wow tats fantastic crazy, good on you, now he can enjoy his lovely mummy all too himself. Keep us updated grin

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 17:52:22

Now he can enjoy his lovely mummy all to himself

<I feel sick> envy grin

SlimePrincess Mon 08-Jul-13 17:56:54

On her lap! That is banaynay. Does he still have bitty as well? But srsly well done for dumping him, you can do better grin

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 18:04:15

Why oh why is she even encouraging this behaviour and not trying to make her toddler ds independent and self reliant. Forthat she as failed as a mother.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 18:05:32

She s just indulging him, and the dynamics of that relationship are weird

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 08-Jul-13 19:00:52

She sounds way OTT re her son given his age, he seems to see you as a casual item but you both sound very young despite the 30th birthday. Him for not inviting people to an adult celebration and you for the responsible parent who wont club mid week.

Given you have a son, you need to find a stable partner worth introducing.

WhatWouldBeyonceDo Mon 08-Jul-13 19:57:41

Yay! Good for you!

Now go find a nice man you can climb like a tree wink

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 20:14:45

What grin that sounds fun

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 08-Jul-13 20:16:46

Yeah definitely keep in mind,

Less Norman Bates...more Christian Grey wink

QueenStromba Mon 08-Jul-13 20:49:38

You've made the right decision. I'm guessing the not living together was down to him? Not living with someone after three years of being together unless there is a very good reason is just very strange in my opinion.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:06:42

Queen It just never felt right for him to move in with me & my Ds iyswim

Jux Mon 08-Jul-13 21:11:49

That shows that your instincts are spot on. Trust yourself.

Another hooray!!!! For being so decisive. Find a good man, they do exist.

thanks for you. Well done.

shewhowines Mon 08-Jul-13 21:12:49

Is it only me or is dumping him by text rather immature? Surely you need to tell him in a serious conversation. Blocking his responses is awful, no matter how much he needed dumping.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 21:14:25

I personally would have telephoned him up,or face to face so I could tell him just how I felt and water for the response

WorraLiberty Mon 08-Jul-13 21:21:03

Fucking hell you've been with him for 3 years and you sent him a text telling him it's over?

Sorry but that's beyond crass

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:48:42

It was either via txt or not at all as I would of backed out of ending it .
Also blocking his number , he still has my email address & knows where I live , it just means he won't be txting/calling every two mins trying to guilt me in to getting back with him .
Maybe it does make me a heartless cow but its the only way I could do it

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 21:58:01

Well it's good you dumped him crazy, but I would have liked to give him what for

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 22:18:01

I'm not good at confrontation, have also sent an email to him blush

Yes im a bitch .

Numberlock Mon 08-Jul-13 22:19:58

If he doesn't have the respect to invite you to his birthday meal after 3 years, I wouldn't be worried too much about showing him much courtesy. Do what's right for you.

Damash12 Mon 08-Jul-13 22:26:12

" Still have cuddles on the sofa" Whhhaaattt?? After 3 years you should be coming first Hun... Weird!!

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 22:29:35

At the end of te day he's not your problem anymore, your free to find a real man, not a toddler

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 22:32:54

Thanks everybody

Jux Tue 09-Jul-13 08:08:19

No. You're not a bitch.

pigletmania Tue 09-Jul-13 12:26:08

So how it going, have you heard from him.

sweetestcup Tue 09-Jul-13 12:38:21

Dumping someone by text is awful, can you imagine the responses here if a man had done that to a woman. Too much focus on his Mum to and not enough on him, the real problem, and why he didn't want you at the meal.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Tue 09-Jul-13 12:42:21

He is coming round to talk tomorrow

OTheHugeManatee Tue 09-Jul-13 12:43:48

Noooooooo! Meet him in a cafe if you must, but don't let him in. If you're as nervous of confrontation as you say you are you're bound to crack, PLUS you can't get rid of him or flee if it's your own house.

Meet this loser in a cafe, where he can't make a scene and you can leave if you have to, and stick to your guns.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Tue 09-Jul-13 12:47:36

Good point othe I didnt think of that , I will meet him somewhere instead

pigletmania Tue 09-Jul-13 13:21:08

I would meet him somewhere public. And don't take this child back, you need a real man. Don't let him manipulate you, mummy can kiss it better not you. Stand your ground

pigletmania Tue 09-Jul-13 13:25:09

He did not want you at the meal, any man worth his salf would have insisted you come. He is disrespecting you and does not appear to care for you. The problem is also that's he's still attached by the umbilical cord to his mum and that is a major fault because heputs his mum before you.

TNETENNBA Tue 09-Jul-13 13:39:53

I hope you are feeling ok OP. it does sound like you ave. done the right thing. I agree with all the other posters that say it is not the Mum who is wasa the problem it was your EX.

I find the comments about the cuddles odd though. I 'cuddle' my Mum and my Dad and I am ancient. I never considered it creepy. sad.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Tue 09-Jul-13 13:45:22

TNET Its the way he has Cuddles that is creepy

Xales Tue 09-Jul-13 14:04:10

Why is he coming round to talk? If it is over and you are sure if this what is there to talk about? Nothing?

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Tue 09-Jul-13 14:20:14

I owe it to him to say why its over , at least I thought I did

Xales Tue 09-Jul-13 14:25:00

Are you going to be honest or are are you going to come out with some wishy washy stuff?

Not sure you can tell him nicely why you are ending it but he is doomed to rinse and repeat if you don't.

If you are no good at these things face to face is he going to talk you around? Don't expect changes even if he says he will if you stay together.

2rebecca Tue 09-Jul-13 14:36:40

Don't say it's just because his mum didn't invite you to this meal though as it isn't about her. It's about him and the fact that after 3 years your relationship still isn't close enough for the 2 of you to be discussing his birthday plans together and then letting other people know what the 2 of you have decided. You are still an afterthought and he regards your son as an inconvenience not someone he wants to celebrate his birthday with.
I think discussing the relationship is fine, but I'd want some time apart from him even if he protests he'll change/ it's all his mum's fault/ he didn't think 1 little meal would upset you so much etc.

shewhowines Tue 09-Jul-13 14:45:50

Remind him that it was the straw that broke the camels back, not the whole reason. And you do owe him a proper chat.

You could move on from this if he can genuinely reassure you that he has reassessed his priorities and shows that he is really ready to commit to you.
I wouldn't rate it actually happening though. If he does manage to persuade you, at the first sign of things slipping, then you respect youself and get those fine balls of steel out again.

pigletmania Tue 09-Jul-13 14:48:54

Op there are times in life where you cannot avoid confrontation, this is one of them. You need to be assertive really and get some backbone!

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Tue 09-Jul-13 15:00:43

I plan on been upfront with him & certainly don't want to get back with him smile

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 10-Jul-13 07:28:38

I agree that you should meet him in public.

Tell him why you no longer want to be with him, he needs to know. Then he can decide whether in future relationships, he wants to change that about himself or not.

But if he does try to pressure you into resuming the relationship, ask him why he wants to try to make someone be with him who doesn't want to be with him.

that's always puzzled me about people who try to force someone to be in/stay in a relationship with them and it is the obvious question that nobody seems to ask. I don't want you. What is wrong with you that you want to try to make me be with you when I don't want you.

sue52 Wed 10-Jul-13 09:53:50

You are doing the right thing. A 30 year old child who needs cuddles from his Mum is not what you and your DC need in your lives. Just stay strong and don't back down when you see him.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Wed 10-Jul-13 10:35:59

Thankyou Hecsy & Sue

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 10-Jul-13 10:38:58

delurking to say well done crazyhamster, you stick to your guns when you meet him (and YYYY to meeting in a public place!)

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Wed 10-Jul-13 13:14:52

Thanks Iilkely

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 20:05:29

So crazy, how did it go?

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 10-Jul-13 20:59:35

Yanbu! You have done the right thing

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 22:20:41

So te suspense is killing me

YouTheCat Wed 10-Jul-13 22:27:04

Me too.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Wed 10-Jul-13 23:46:40

Piglet & You grin

I met him at my local library so he couldn't shout I didnt give him much chance to say anything until I said my piece, According to him im been unreasonable & he has a healthy relationship with his mum & im just jealous hmm at which point I laughed n told him to get knotted

I went all dressed up , I even had the very fit librarian flirt with me & asked me out while I was renewing Ds' books

My ex was [shocked] angry

Me blush grin grin [grin

I have not felt this good about myself in a long time & I must of been 17 when I were last asked out

Thankyou for all your help

YouTheCat Wed 10-Jul-13 23:49:19

Good outcome then.

Can't believe he thinks his relationship with his mother is normal.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Wed 10-Jul-13 23:51:41

Very good outcome grin

I told him he needs to reassess his life & maybe see a psychiatrist.

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 23:54:34

Good on you op, his reaction just confirmed you I'd the right thing. Bollocks healthy relationship, obsessive mre like! Wat did you tell him?

shewhowines Wed 10-Jul-13 23:56:32

So was he upset at all at the thought of losing you or was he only upset that you had the cheek to finish with him.
Did he try to get you back at all?

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:02:22

Oh yeah he tried the whole sobbing & begging thing but I told him to stop embarrassing me , he isn't use to me been so Cold so he was pretty shocked .
I just told him im not playing second fiddle to his mother & after 3 years still not classed as family so their is no point at all.
Oh & id rather have a man than a boy

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:04:24

Oh & he said its my fault that im not seen as family because if id of let him in move in with me then his mum would of seen us as a proper family & she would of been able to come round every Sunday for dinner [shocked]

shewhowines Thu 11-Jul-13 00:08:27

Well he might have had a bit of a point on the last one. You hadn't said he wanted to commit to moving in with you.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:18:30

He never mentioned it to me before as I had told him not until he had a stable job or any job as im not able to pay his way as well as mine & my Ds'

shewhowines Thu 11-Jul-13 00:23:50

Fair enough then. If he made no effort to do that, then he wasn't that keen to move in with you.

YouTheCat Thu 11-Jul-13 00:24:01

So he isn't working either? He wanted to go from sponging off his mum to sponging off you didn't he?

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:24:17

Good on you op, you don't want him freeloading from you, let mummy do that! Come round every sunday fr dinner, in YOUR house. My god he really is a dependent child, not an adult. You did well Crazy, here's to a new life, and finding yourself a Maaaaaan

YouTheCat Thu 11-Jul-13 00:26:04

Go back to the library. wink

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:26:42

Your well rid crazy, no job and sponging from mummy, of course you would not wan someone like that move in with you.

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:27:26

Why were you with him for so long!

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:30:13

No he reckons to have started a 'buisness' building vivariums but in the past 8 months he has only built one so not exactly the best buisness .

Piglet I have a date with a rather nice Librarian who is definitely a man grin

I have known said Librarian a few years but im always in a relationship when he asks me out , so im not just going for the first guy to show a bit of interest just thought id say before I get accused of been something

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:30:16

If you had let him move in with you, mummy probably have moved in too.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:31:24

I think I just got stuck in a rut , I was really low when I met him & it kinda stayed that way for a long time

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:31:38

Good on you crazy, Just enjoy yourself and have fun

MammaTJ Thu 11-Jul-13 00:31:51

Ah, the lack of a job, or at least a lot of effort in to getting one would have been a deal breaker for me too.

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:34:51

I'm sure tat mummy is making it all better for him on the sofa, lots of 'special' cuddles grin

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:35:45

Its about time I had some fun

Thanks Piglet

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:36:33

envy envy <<<< sick

<boak>

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:37:18

Good on you. He sounds like a real catch eh your ex.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:37:48

It was best when I tried to arrange plans & he would abandon me as he had to be home for tea at 5pm hmm grin

Bogeyface Thu 11-Jul-13 00:40:39

I told him he needs to reassess his life & maybe see a psychiatrist.

PLEASE tell me you said that to your ex, because it could read that you said it to the librarian!

"He asked me out and I said he needed to reassess his life and see a psychiatrist" gringringrin

Bogeyface Thu 11-Jul-13 00:41:45

Anyone else thinking "Bitty"? grin

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:42:28

Good god op, an overgrown Chid, even mummy loving dh is not as bad as your ex. Dd was a newborn baby and was crying one night, his mother was styling over, he got so fed up he hopped into bed with his mother shock. I was livid, and told him what I thought. Good thing MIL lives in Itals so just see her once a year. When mil comes over he is not like your ex at all

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:44:01

Bogey I definitely said it to my Ex grin what's Bitty

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:44:38

I feel a bit sick thinking about that bed hopping mind, but it only happened once years ago

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:45:26

grin

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:47:34

I looked all over the house for him, looked in mil room and there he was shock. Dh could have ended up like your ex but he moved to the uk at 18 to go to uni and than job and house and broke the umbilical cord

Bogeyface Thu 11-Jul-13 00:48:19

The sound isnt good, but This is Bitty, from Little Britain!

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:49:36

But to his credit I was always up there with his mum, and was included in everything. That birthday incident would not have happened, he would never drop plans for his mum, nr would she expect it!

Bogeyface Thu 11-Jul-13 00:49:48

Ignore me, the sound is fine, it is my headphones!

Bogeyface Thu 11-Jul-13 00:51:01

But still Piglet, crawling into bed with mummy is something I dont encourage my 7 year old to do, I would never dream of letting my 23 year old do it!

In fact, he would get a flea in his ear about leaving his wife to it with the baby and told in no uncertain terms to get back and help her out!

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:51:28

Bogey That is so wrong I need brain bleach shock

Bogeyface Thu 11-Jul-13 00:51:52

Ah, but does it ring any bells?! grin

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:52:48

Piglet it would take a lot more than moving abroad to cut my exes umbilical cord

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:54:25

I'm actually scarred for life

I can see that happening

<has a bath in bleach>

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:54:33

I know bogey I was shock and gave him a bollocking. I don't think mum had noticed she is quite a deep sleeper

Bessie123 Thu 11-Jul-13 00:54:48

Drip drip drip

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:55:40

I need brain bleach too grin

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:55:53

Bessie what do you mean ?

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:57:30

I know pointless post Bessie, crazy is just replying to our questions

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 00:57:34

Piglet Its all mine grin <runs away with bleach laughing manically>

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 00:58:22

I need the bleach recalling dh jumping into bed with his mum grin

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 01:00:41

What on earth possessed him to get in to bed with his mum

Numberlock Thu 11-Jul-13 06:19:36

crawling into bed with mummy is something I dont encourage my 7 year old to do

Can I ask why not?

MammaTJ Thu 11-Jul-13 06:23:36

Really, Bessie?

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 07:26:47

It was 3 0 clock in the morning, baby ad been howling for some time, he needed to be able to concentrate t wrk and could not without getting some proper sleep. T incident has never been repeated again tank goodness grin

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 07:27:51

Just to add baby was really crying and could not be soothed, I think dd had bad colic

Bogeyface Thu 11-Jul-13 08:33:19

Numberlock because I have never encouraged sleeping outside of their own beds. Even when they are ill, they sleep in their beds and I sleep on their floors. I made the mistake of allowing DD1 into my bed when she was 3/4 ish and then it was hell on toast getting her to sleep on her own, I was ending up going to bed at 7pm!

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 08:57:32

Piglet surely you had a sofa grin

pigletmania Thu 11-Jul-13 09:29:55

Yes I don't think he thought of that

sue52 Thu 11-Jul-13 09:53:21

Imagine years of Sunday lunches with his mother. You have had a lucky escape. There are far better men around than your ex.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Thu 11-Jul-13 09:55:58

Sue we don't even like Roast Dinners so that would of been extra fun with controlling inlaws , very lucky escape me thinks

Numberlock Thu 11-Jul-13 12:55:18

Bogey Fair point, I read it as though you didn't encourage an early morning/last thing at night type cuddle in your bed.

QueenStromba Thu 11-Jul-13 15:47:47

How can you not like roast dinners? And why the hell would your ex insist on (you) cooking one for his mum every week when you don't like them?

crazyhamsterdisguisedasapanda Thu 11-Jul-13 23:28:49

I don't like hot food in general tbh blush

He mentioned once that once he had moved in that his mum would be round every Sunday for Sunday Dinner & I very much doubt they would of been happy with a plate of sandwiches grin
He also goes to his mums for a Roast every Sunday as well hmm

Numberlock Thu 11-Jul-13 23:56:52

Do you've dumped him? Why the post-mortem?

crazyhamsterdisguisedasapanda Thu 11-Jul-13 23:57:44

Eh

Numberlock Thu 11-Jul-13 23:58:47

So... not Do

crazyhamsterdisguisedasapanda Fri 12-Jul-13 00:00:14

what do you mean by post-mortem

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