About this family occasion?

(64 Posts)
MoleRat Sun 07-Jul-13 16:14:28

My parents are having a big celebration lunch later this month. It's for their anniversary and it's a big occasion, there are about 80 guests attending, all family friends and extended family. I know they have put a lot of money in it, and I was really looking forward to it.

My parents said myself and my siblings could all invite friends, and both myself and my sister have invited old childhood friends, ones which our parents know- we were under the impression as it was a big family occasion they would like to see friends which they have known for years.

Now my 16 year old brother is taking his new "girlfriend". (I use the term loosely as he says they aren't officially dating, but they might eventually) None of our family have met her. This will be the first time any of us meet her, with our entire extended family and family friends.

AIBU to not want her to attend? I wouldn't mind if she was someone who I knew or my parents had met but she is a complete stranger. She also isn't my brother's girlfriend really- I wouldn't invite someone I was seeing for a matter of weeks to a wedding or similar event.

Tee2072 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:16:55

Not up to you. Not your party. If your parents don't mind, you shouldn't.

ilovechips Sun 07-Jul-13 16:17:24

If your parents don't mind then I don't see why you're bothered.

TidyDancer Sun 07-Jul-13 16:17:31

Of course YABU. Ridiculous in fact.

Lj8893 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:17:46


It's not your event to decide who your brother, or anyone else, brings.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want her there, i could kind of understand if you don't like her or don't get on with her but since you haven't met her that isn't the case.

I would be loving it if my brother was bringing a girl I hadn't met yet to a family event, I would be dying to meet her. And for that reason only, my brother probably wouldn't bring her in fear of me embarrassing him!

AnneTwacky Sun 07-Jul-13 16:18:22

YABU and a bit controlling.

Your parents said your brother could invite one of his friends, and he has.

I think you are BU! It's a big do with 80 guests, chances are you'll get very little time with her at all. If you're allowed to bring a friend, then so's your brother. If SHE is OK with such a potentially intimidating gathering, then I don't really understand why you feel it's not on.

maras2 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:20:28

How very selfish of you.He's 16.At that age this sort of relationship is 'the one'.

Pimpf Sun 07-Jul-13 16:21:15

Yabvu, get over yourself

MoleRat Sun 07-Jul-13 16:23:51

Okay thank you for the replies- reading it back I can see where everyone is coming from.

I think it is more the fact that none of us know her, or have met her. I honestly wouldn't mind if she had come over for tea or something beforehand, it's just the fact she is a complete stranger.

I don't know, maybe I am really weird.

fluffyraggies Sun 07-Jul-13 16:24:12

Oh OP - imagine a 16 year old you, thrilled to be invited to your boy friend's (or nearly boy-friend's) family do.

Now imagine that his big (adult) sister was all humphy about you being there. One 16 year old girl, probably nervous, among 80 guests is hardly going to effect the celebrations.

fluffyraggies Sun 07-Jul-13 16:26:09

Why don't you suggest asking her to tea then? Or take the pair of them out for a pizza with you and your DPs so she can meet some of you?

LondonInHighHeeledBoots Sun 07-Jul-13 16:26:34

If he's bringing her to a big family event, then I think she is a proper girlfriend, he just doesn't want to admit it imo. 16 year old boys don't invite random girls that they don't really like to a big family do generally. Just get hold of baby pictures and milk it a bit.

Ask him to bring her to meet you for coffee or something first - so she knows someone else there and isn't nervous?

superbagpuss Sun 07-Jul-13 16:31:12

when I was 17 I was invited to his patents wedding anniversary
we hadn't been dating long and had only met his parents in passing

still it felt very adult to go somewhere with him and be included

we split up a few months later, he cheated on me on a geography field trip, but for a few months it was love

Figgygal Sun 07-Jul-13 16:36:13


It is not your party yabu!!

Turniptwirl Sun 07-Jul-13 16:40:38


If it bothers you that much arrange a meal with you, bro and his gf and your parents begorehand

DuchessFanny Sun 07-Jul-13 16:40:51

Ahh bless her, she'll probably be so nervous meeting the whole 'clan' at once -- be friendly for the ( probably ) short amount of time you'll have to spend with her, I promise her attending will make NO difference to your mum & dad and their big party.

Inertia Sun 07-Jul-13 16:41:21

Can you not invite her over for tea first then? She'd probably be glad to see a familiar friendly face amongst 80 strangers.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 07-Jul-13 16:43:12


Out of 80 guests you are worrying about one person who is probably lovely just because you haven't met her?

I had a couple of guests at my own wedding that I'd never met before because of plus ones. For an anniversary lunch, where your parents have actually told you to invite friends, I honestly can't see your problem.

Yabu, out of 80 people, especially family nd friends, I can't see why you would even be aware of some 16 year old, your brother wants her there and your parents don't mind so let it go.

Coconutty Sun 07-Jul-13 16:48:34

Of course UABU. You sound controlling and tbh my first thought was what's it got to do with you who your siblings invite.

Emilythornesbff Sun 07-Jul-13 17:00:47

Are you miffed because you "used up" your invites asking ppl you felt you "should" but your db hasn't done that?

Or are you worried about something else?

NoComet Sun 07-Jul-13 17:06:45

I was a complete stranger the first time DH met me, and already engaged to their pfb grin

NoComet Sun 07-Jul-13 17:07:38

DH's parents, sorry posting and tennis don't mix

nkf Sun 07-Jul-13 17:10:00

He probably likes her lots and that's why he's invited her.

What a horrid attitude!

DHs brother bought his new girlfriend to a close family dinner to celebrate his grandmothers 90th.

We were all a bit hmm as the other brother had said I shouldn't go (long standing partner of DP (now DH)) as we was not married and he couldn't afford to bring his wife over from Europe for the occasion. So me, not having a ring on my finger, was an issue for one person, new girlfriend was an issue for all of us and DH's grandma said but out - everyone bring someone who makes them happy and shut up about it.

BIL actually ended up marrying new girlfriend and everyone is happy.

So lesson is that everyone will have an opinion but really the only one that matters are those of the people whose celebration it is.

MoleRat Sun 07-Jul-13 18:11:04

I guess I was just worried because it is a girl we never met before, he's my little brother, first girlfriend etc etc

Obviously I would be polite and friendly to her at the party- I would never dream of being rude or hostile to a) basically a child and b) create tension at my parents celebration... It was just me feeling unsure and doubtful about the invite!

Honestly I am not controlling and I want my brother to be happy, but personally I still think such an event shouldn't be the first time to meet not just parents, siblings etc but entire extended families.

As some posters have suggested, I texted my brother about meeting her beforehand- even if it's not with my parents, or for dinner or whatever, just a quick hello, nice to meet you

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 07-Jul-13 18:22:43

Sorry - don't agree. My now DH came along to my aunt and uncle's 35th wedding anniversary party hosted by my parents. Everyone was delighted to meet him and he got to meet all the family and friends in one fell swoop.

I would have been very hurst if my sister had reacted the way you did. Thankfully she didnt as she's very welcoming

maddening Sun 07-Jul-13 18:29:04

Well if meeting her is important invite your dbro and his gf out - treat them to pizza and a film - you have a couple of weeks before the party.

WeAreEternal Sun 07-Jul-13 18:32:29

As other have said.

It's not your party, if your parents are happy with her coming then it is none of your business.

If it such an issue that none of your family has met her before why not invite her round for lunch one day.

Crumbledwalnuts Sun 07-Jul-13 18:36:22

I understand you. But I think you're wrong because it doesn't really matter.

RoxyFox211 Sun 07-Jul-13 18:50:20

Yabu. Poor girl.

WireCat Sun 07-Jul-13 19:00:23

You sound mean.

Be nice to her when she's there. She will be so nervous.

maddy68 Sun 07-Jul-13 19:08:50

OMG poor kid! seriously you are being VVVV unreasonable
a) its not your party so nothing to do with you whatsoever
b) your brother has invited who he wants there, you have invited who you want to be there
c) whoo gives a flying fuck if shes never met you before - what a great opportunity for her to meet everyone in one swoop
d) you do sound rather controlling sorry!

MrsBungle Sun 07-Jul-13 19:14:44

Yabu. Not your party. You've got to invite people. Your brother wants to invite this girl. What a mean attitude.

coney77 Sun 07-Jul-13 19:19:34

You're bonkers and YABU.

My brother asked our sister if he could bring a girl he'd been seeing for a few weeks to her wedding. She was lovely and we all got on with her.
They've now been married nearly 3 years.
If it's such a big family and friends affair, you'll probably be able to avoid her if you don't like her.

purrpurr Sun 07-Jul-13 19:34:25

How horrid. I can't understand how you could possibly actually believe what you're saying, it's bonkers. So, I'm wondering if there are other reasons you don't want your brother to introduce his girlfriend at this family gathering. Do you normally receive a lot of attention at family occasions? Are you concerned he will take some attention away from you? Or that his girlfriend will?

Also, are you really, really old? How is a 16-year old 'basically a child'? I'm 28 and can still remember being 16, and I was not a child. An adultling, perhaps, some sort of halfway creature, but definitely at least able to eat solids on my own using a knife and fork. I think I was even allowed to use real cutlery, no sporks.

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 19:38:21

Yabvvvvu it's not your say. Dont be bloody ridiculous. My family comes from th Med, and sh would be welcomed with open rms and treated really well, offer the same op!

ImNotBloody14 Sun 07-Jul-13 19:48:00

Does it really matter if you know her or not? confused your brother gets to invite who he wants just like you did. You arent the invite police.

There will be 80 people there. You mightnt even have time to speak to her if you mingle with them all.

trackies Sun 07-Jul-13 19:54:50

OP I have an aunt who has always pointed out things such as this that she thinks r inappropriate. excluding people cos she doesn't know them or like them. Or saying that they should nt be bought to party or meet my gran. We don't speak to her anymore cos she is a control freak. Not saying that you are but you will come across like one. Your bro prob sees this as an opportunity to meet his family without too much one to one contact with each member. If you hassle him you will just seem uncool and interfering

JoyceDivision Sun 07-Jul-13 20:13:21

Are you too scary for his friends that do know you to come so he has had to ask a stranger who hasn't yet you yet, just so he doesn't have to go on his own?


He's 16,its a family do,he wants to enjoy himself, better have a friend and be happy than bring someone he's not fussed about being there and having a face like a slapped arse!

PicaK Sun 07-Jul-13 21:14:24

Are u sure you're not a bit jealous cos he's got a date and u haven't?!

Serialdrinker Sun 07-Jul-13 21:20:06

Marking my place for approximately 8 years time when said 16yr old girl comes on to rant about bat shit SIL!

ilovechips Sun 07-Jul-13 21:27:42

It's none of your business, it's not even your party. It sounds like your parents gave each of you carte blanche to bring a friend - how dare you try and dictate who your brother brings? You are his sister not his mother, just because you are older doesn't mean you get to call the shots. I find the idea of you asking to meet her beforehand really condescending, as if you are trying to vet her in advance. What if you don't like her? You going to tell your parents how awful she is and make sure he doesn't bring her?

SarahAndFuck Sun 07-Jul-13 21:28:07

YABU. Out of 80 people, one sixteen year old girl you haven't met before isn't going to make any difference to you. No more so than one sixteen year old girl you've only met once anyway, if you do happen to meet her before the party.

And would you feel any better or worse if he'd invited another friend, male or female, who you hadn't met? Is it just the possible girlfriend status that's pissing you off?

Imagine how she will feel. You will already know the other 79 guests, she will only know 1 of them. If your parents were that bothered about meeting her first then they could have invited her home before the party.

I see you have asked to meet her, but perhaps she will feel under less pressure to meet people when the entire focus of the visit is not on her as 'potential new girlfriend' but on your parents as 'anniversary couple'.

Or are you afraid she will steal the limelight somehow?

LouiseSmith Sun 07-Jul-13 21:35:24

That poor girl she is walking into a family home, and you have already taken a dislike to her.

celticclan Sun 07-Jul-13 21:41:57

You are being extremely self-centred. Do you not like your brother?

maras2 Sun 07-Jul-13 21:42:12

You still don't get it do you?

I agree with the others posting here. It's not your event nor your business who your brother invites.

He's a child of his parents, same as you, and the fact that you are older doesn't give you any special rights over this event.

If your parents don't have any problem with who he's inviting , then it's not up to you to put out objections (and I would guess she is a girlfriend, he doesn't want to admit it yet, and your attitude might explain why).

Crumbledwalnuts Mon 08-Jul-13 00:06:10

Oh dear, you had a hard time smile In some ways, so long as your parents are ok with it, it's a nice time to introduce new people, as in, more the merrier, circle of life and so on. I think you'll enjoy it a lot more if you tell yourself (and realise!) that it doesn't really matter. In some ways your parents may be proud that your brother is so proud of his own family that he wants to "show them off", because this will be the full thing, warts and all, speeches, too much booze, family rows (cough!) it will all be on a plate as usually happens at such events, along with the huge amounts of love and warmth. Try to relax about it, I'm sure you aren't batshit at all. I understand why you think what you think, but try to abandon all those thoughts! and you will enjoy the evening more.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Mon 08-Jul-13 06:17:58

Why on earth are you so bothered by this...I don't understand at all.

SarahAndFuck Mon 08-Jul-13 09:28:38

I'm still actually quite puzzled by this.

Even if you meet her, it will only be the once before the party so she still won't be an old family friend like your guest is.

And you parents still might not have met her at all, so she will still be a stranger to them at their party. Have they said they have a problem with this?

And what if you don't like her? That will play on your mind until the party just as much as not meeting her already is. Or will you ask for her to be uninvited if you decide she's not for you?

I still think that on the day it will be less pressure for her to be there for the first time at a party as part of a large group than it will be to have a meeting with the family beforehand. She's not his girlfriend yet, so a big 'meet the parents' moment seems a little strange for a friend, even if she is a friend with potential. It takes it from all the focus being on meeting her to her coming to a family party where the focus is on someone else and might make her more relaxed.

And you will be busy on the day catching up with the other 80 guests who you do know, so won't really have time to worry about the one person you don't know, you can have a chat and be pleasant to her without having to keep the conversation going all on your own or have her feel like she has been called before you for approval or something.

Preciousbane Mon 08-Jul-13 09:45:09

I think it's a great opportunity to get a good eyeball, I would want to meet who was dating my little brother.Imagine how nervous she will be.

ilovechips Mon 08-Jul-13 11:31:50

Just out of interest, what does your sister think? Is she as against it as you? Have you asked your parents what they think (being as it's their party and all...)

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 12:03:16

Why is it so important that YOU meet her beforehand when it's your parents' party?
If when my kids are a bit older we're having a party and tell the kids then can bring a friend or 2 I'd be upset if my son (the older) told his sister that he insisted on meeting anyone she wanted to bring beforehand. it is very controlling. it's not your party. Back off.
If your parents insist on meeting her fair enough, but you are his equal not his superior and don't get to tell him what to do and who to bring.

AllegraLilac Mon 08-Jul-13 12:29:41

He's 16, who cares! They're children!

If he was 36, and this was one in a long string of women that he shags and dumps, I'd agree with you.

But its not, it's two children. You are being ridiculous.

whoneedssleepanyway Mon 08-Jul-13 12:34:45

My brother asked if he could bring his new girlfriend that none of us knew to my wedding a week before the date.

Fast forward 9 years and they are now married with a DD and another DC on the way. I am so glad she was there and met all the family.


Jenny70 Mon 08-Jul-13 12:36:17


My niece and nephew are close to this age, and to be honest both would rather pull teeth than go to a "family gathering".

Count your lucky stars he's actually coming, most likely will be dressed neatly (to impress potential girlfriend) and will be polite and unplugged from any electronic device.

If potential girlfriend was not coming, my nephew (less so my niece) wouldn't be coming, and if they did it would be complete with sullen expression and headphones on the whole time.

He wants to bring a friend, you have invited friends - don't see the problem at all. (can't see why girlfriend wants to come, but that's her issue, LOL).

ilovechips Mon 08-Jul-13 12:38:06

Allegralilac - but even if he was 36 - that's irrelevant! It is not the OP's party, who her brother brings is absolutely none of her concern if their parents (the actual hosts!) don't mind.

piprabbit Mon 08-Jul-13 12:43:23

TBH, I hope the GF finds the courage to politely decline the invitation. Being dragged round large, clan parties when you have no idea who anyone is or how they fit into the 'big picture' is pure hell.

Especially when the older sister seems to have some sort of weird problem with it confused

emess Mon 08-Jul-13 13:46:26

YABU. Better the GF comes than have a grumpy DB, potentially spoiling your DPs big day, and risking a rift with your DB surely? Might actually be an easy way to introduce her to the family as the spotlight will be on DPs, not her.

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