To not let this person drive my car.

(149 Posts)
Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 10:52:53

Will be quick as need quick answers please.

We are away camping. My dc, me and a friend. The friend is in their 30's, they had their licence removed for drink driving years ago and even though that is spent they've never renewed it. So no license, no insurance. I went for a shower, it's about a km away. When I got back the friend asked to take my car to the showers. I said no but would give them a lift. They got into a temper, said its private land (it is) so they are therefore allowed to drive on here. I still said no but again offered a lift.

They stormed off making a crack about the shower gel I had borrowed off them earlier confused. When they returned they wouldn't look at or speak to me properly. I said if this continued I would pack up and go home as i know of old how long they can keep up a sulk. They was a short argument and then they took their stuff and left. So now I am on my own with two DC with ASD, who want to stay.

I've called and tried to make peace but they won't answer and won't reply to my messages.

So what'd the consensus please?

WMittens Sat 06-Jul-13 10:57:07

No licence, no insurance, no maturity, no question.

BlameClaimProfit Sat 06-Jul-13 10:57:53

I suspect the shower gel may be cheaper to repair if you use it while pissed so its not really the same.

worley Sat 06-Jul-13 10:59:01

Wether it's private land or not.. Still no insurance covering them.. You said no and offered them a lift!! are they 3 or 30!! Don't get their own way so going..
If this is a male "friend"would be a red flag for me...

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 11:00:05

Thanks because I am sitting here feeling utterly crap and worried about staying camping alone sad. Don't want my kids to suffer of this pathetic row though.

WMittens Sat 06-Jul-13 11:00:07

Also, private land is not an exemption:

"The definition of a road in England and Wales is ‘any highway and any other road to which the public has access and includes bridges over which a road passes’ (RTA 1988 sect 192(1)).

...

It is important to note that references to ‘road’ therefore generally include footpaths, bridleways and cycle tracks, and many roadways and driveways on private land (including many car parks)."

Earthworms Sat 06-Jul-13 11:00:21

No licence, no insurance. No chance. Private land or not.

Your compromise of a lift was entirely reasonable.

onedev Sat 06-Jul-13 11:00:33

YANBU - awful attitude from your friend.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 11:01:22

Yep it's a male "friend" but no real romantic involvement.

StickEmUpPunk Sat 06-Jul-13 11:01:51

I was going to ask how old this person is, I see now 30's. Sounds like a 13 year old, actually that's insulting young teenagers who tend not to know better.

It's your car you can do what you like with it.

I'd be tempted to buy 15 bottles of shower gel and leave it on their bed.

Just hang out with your kids and try to have a nice time.

WeAreSix Sat 06-Jul-13 11:02:38

YANBU. Private land or not, I would not allow them to drive my car.

ParadiseChick Sat 06-Jul-13 11:02:42

Leave them to it and enjoy your day. I had this issue with a neighbour I was friends with. Same scenario, last to drink driving but spent and never renewed. She asked to borrow my car a few times and I pussy footed around it the first couple of times then explained it to her. Think she was embarrassed at being confronted with the consequences of her actions.

In saying that I have refused to let people with licenses and those own insurance drive my car. 3rd party is all very good but what about my car if anything happens?

ThereGoesTheYear Sat 06-Jul-13 11:03:09

They're acting like a toddler. How rude of them to storm off. They asked a favour. You don't have I lend your car to anyone, regardless of license. And the fact that you offered them a lift means that this is about their ego rather than annoyance at inconvenience.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 11:05:42

Well they've gone and not replying to messages or calls. Maybe we will head back home tonight, we are pitched in the middle of woods and I am a bit scared about staying at night alone. I hate feeling like this though I am usually so gung ho.

FirstStopCafe Sat 06-Jul-13 11:06:27

YANBU. Hope you manage to have a nice holiday

quoteunquote Sat 06-Jul-13 11:07:13

They are being twonks, and it not fair, very mean.

Go and have a lovely walk with the children, take some food and go and look at the view, you will find your own pace.

You just hit nerve, and they are not mature enough to just agree that they need to get their shit together.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 11:12:15

Thanks. Going to try to stay, kids are loving it so would be a shame to cut it short.

wonderingsoul Sat 06-Jul-13 11:13:01

please dont go, dont let him ruin your hoilday.

you are just as safe with out him there as y ou where with him there.
i bet if you stayed your feel impowered to.

he was in the wrong, i imagine he knows it to. he fucked up majorly when he drove drunk and this is just a reminder of that.

you have done nothing wrong. so please dont let it ruin it for you.

hermioneweasley Sat 06-Jul-13 11:18:04

What wondering soul said.

This person is not your friend.

WeAreEternal Sat 06-Jul-13 11:18:38

No licence, no insurance, no maturity, no question.

^this 100%.

Please don't give up and go home because of that stupid man child.
You and your DCs can have a wonderful time on your own.

If you don't feel comfortable with where you are maybe pack up and move to another area of the site to camp.

Euphemia Sat 06-Jul-13 11:19:49

no real romantic involvement

hmm

I would cease contact now!

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 11:26:30

He's an ex who I was with long term (over 10 years) and we were talking about trying again. Obviously not now.

hermioneweasley Sat 06-Jul-13 11:29:45

Indeed, OP, obviously not. He's a selfish drink driving immature twat. Can't see how he would enhance your life!

YouTheCat Sat 06-Jul-13 11:30:43

Ex for a good reason then. What a knobend.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Jan49 Sat 06-Jul-13 11:31:43

YWNBU

Could you move to somewhere nearer to the shower block where there are lots of other people camped?

ChablisLover Sat 06-Jul-13 11:34:42

Yanbu

No licence no insurance no way!

Even on 'private' land.

If the car is damaged who is paying for repairs as your insurance company won't cough up.

Yes it's only 1 km away but anything could happen and tell him not to be so feckin lazy and walk to the showers - exercise will do him good.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 11:53:48

Well we've just done a big fire wood. hunt and my DC are so happy smile. Just going to see how we go on. No pitches to move to unfortunately.

Xales Sat 06-Jul-13 11:58:05

Seriously am I the only one gobsmacked that you would drive a km!?! And I am a lazy bitch.

Please don't come back and say they are disabled now! blush

myBOYSareBONKERS Sat 06-Jul-13 12:00:12

Just take one hour at a time and you will have a great time.

Do not contact your pathetic friend any-more. You are completely in the right and do not grovel to him.

He doesn't deserve you as a partner or a friend and certainly does not treat you as either.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 06-Jul-13 12:02:05

Glad he showed his true colours before you tried to get back together.

Enjoy your holiday.

facedontfit Sat 06-Jul-13 12:02:11

He's acting like a spoilt brat, you are well rid. You will be fine camping - enjoy yourself. smile

allmycats Sat 06-Jul-13 12:03:42

I would take hin in the car to the nearest railway station - why are you friendly with such an arsehole ?

Officershitty Sat 06-Jul-13 12:13:19

You had a relationship with him? And you want to start again? Question your own judgement. I think you had a lucky escape from this toxic person.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 12:18:44

Xales grin

My kids both have ASD.

Notgoingto Sat 06-Jul-13 12:22:38

You're well rid of that loser. Now enjoy your holiday!

Longdistance Sat 06-Jul-13 12:26:06

Gosh, he really is an ex for a reason.

I hope he's now an ex x2.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy Sat 06-Jul-13 12:30:31

Do not allow this person to drive your car, whether on private or public land, until he has insurance or you have added him on your insurance. It is very irresponsible.

What if, hyperthetically, he had an accident in your car, causing serious injury to another person and this person claimed against your vehicle. Your insurers may or may not deal with this claim and if they do, they will most definitely request reimbursement back from you or your friend. I'm talking about £0000's, not just a few hundred £ and if they don't, you and your friend will be jointly personally liable to pay out any damages.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated because this man child is having a sulk.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday, with or without him.

GiveItYourBestShot Sat 06-Jul-13 12:37:25

Please don't go home. Could you have a quiet word with the site manager and explain that you are a bit nervous? Maybe they could give you their mobile phone number in case of emergency. Oh, and you were totally right not to let him drive. He just wanted to play with your toy & is now sulking.

Turniptwirl Sat 06-Jul-13 12:41:18

No way they sound far to immature to be behind the wheel!

You offered them a lift and yanbu, he is being vvvv unreasonable

UtterflyButterfly Sat 06-Jul-13 12:42:49

Be strong OP. You were totally in the right to do as you did. Spend the rest of the day running about with your little ones and hopefully you'll be so tired tonight you'll sleep without worrying! It's surprising what we'll do for our DCs that we wouldn't do otherwise - you'll feel so proud of yourself at the end of the trip.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 06-Jul-13 13:00:03

Stop calling him . That is giving him far too much power over you! He will interpret it as a begging/pleading/needing and you'll end up apologising for your very reasonable actions, which would be stupid.

Enjoy your camping break.

Don't get back with him!

Whatever he wanted the car for, it wasn't to go and shower. I suspect he may be gone off for a drive in it and spat out his dummy when thwarted

Lucky that you saw this of him before you got back together with him, wasn't it#?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 06-Jul-13 13:00:34

hmm may be gone off?

may have wanted to go off

Hissy Sat 06-Jul-13 13:11:18

Please don't call/text/beg/plead with someone like this? It's undignified.

This bloke is a tit. You are in the right and he has no leg to stand on.

Bin him, make sure he stays binned.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 13:13:00

The thing is the strength of his reaction makes me feel that I am the one in the wrong sad like I am an uptight cow.

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Jul-13 13:16:39

No, the strength of his reaction should be making you realise what an arse he is.

McNewPants2013 Sat 06-Jul-13 13:21:48

I don't allow anyone drive my car thats not on the insurance.

op you will be fine camping and don't need this man child in yours or your childrens life.

MrsSpagBol Sat 06-Jul-13 13:24:01

Thank goodness this happened before you got back together!!

How immature to stomp off like that!!!

The "strength of his reaction" means nothing - he is embarrassing himself. You offered a lift FFS!

MortifiedAdams Sat 06-Jul-13 13:24:16

The strength of his reaction shows what a massive wanker he is.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 06-Jul-13 13:26:53

The strength of his reaction shows you that you'd be a fool to take up with him again!

Don't suppose he was controlling or aggressive when you were with him before, was he?

Finola1step Sat 06-Jul-13 13:31:24

YADNBU. In fact, what you did was spot on! Enjoy the freedom of camping in the woods - and the freedom from not being saddled with that man child.

CHJR Sat 06-Jul-13 14:03:18

You have already done one brave thing in standing up to this VVUR "friend." Try to do one more brave thing now and stick it out camping tonight. In the morning you will be so proud to realise that you are much stronger than you thought, and the camping will be a happy memory for you of a time you proved yourself! Good luck.

Loulybelle Sat 06-Jul-13 14:06:18

If he had no car, then were did he go, he cant walk km to the showers, but will walk out of the woods with a bag, for sake of pettiness, what a dickhead.

Xales Sat 06-Jul-13 14:06:56

Yeah I get that it would be easier for you and your kids. smile

But a 30 year old man?

I assume you would have to get both yours in the car just to drive him that too or could you leave them for it? Wouldn't he have got there faster on foot?

Certainly faster than the arguing and stropping off grin

Oh and YANBU just incase I didn't mention it.

Narrow escape!

CHJR Sat 06-Jul-13 14:09:22

p.s. I also have a child with ASD, can imagine how hard two must be. On the up side, it's sometimes a relief to be just with DS with ASD, we can do what works for him with no unhelpful comments and interference from outsiders! Eg no one is going to complain about their sleeping habits LOL! Or suggest you stop "spoiling" them if they get scared of a campfire or a bee. Tonight you're free.

Ironic, innit, that the person who trying to spoil your holiday is neither child nor ASD.

SueDoku Sat 06-Jul-13 14:56:28

I think that you and your children are well rid of such an immature, selfish person. He obviously puts his (trivial) needs above the (important) ones of your children. Have a lovely holiday flowers

WMittens Sat 06-Jul-13 14:57:34

The thing is the strength of his reaction makes me feel that I am the one in the wrong like I am an uptight cow.

That's probably the intention - it's called manipulation, and should tell you all you need to know.

maddy68 Sat 06-Jul-13 15:42:12

dont spoil it for your children - you will be fine camping on your own loads of people do it - I have done it many times
have nothing to do with this stupid man

Jengnr Sat 06-Jul-13 16:11:21

This isn't about not wanting to walk to the showers - if it was he'd have accepted the, more than reasonable, offer of a lift.

He wanted to go somewhere in your car.

And he's a wanker!

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 16:27:42

Well I have had a message telling me I "behaved appallingly" today but he is willing to come back and lend a hand and what happened will not be mentioned.

minibmw2010 Sat 06-Jul-13 16:32:30

How magnanimous of him ... I hope your response included the words Foxtrot Oscar ... smile

MrsGeologist Sat 06-Jul-13 16:32:52

Even if he had a licence and was insured, it's your car. If you choose not to let someone drive it, tough titties for them. It's your car and you et final say in hat happens to it.

MrsGeologist Sat 06-Jul-13 16:33:49

Is he heading back because he has no car and no where to go perhaps?

I'd tell him he's not welcome back.

Longdistance Sat 06-Jul-13 16:35:36

Tell him to fuck off!

Yep, jog on loser

TartinaTiara Sat 06-Jul-13 16:37:03

Please OP, don't agree to him coming back. He's an abusive, manipulative twat.

Duckegg80 Sat 06-Jul-13 16:38:02

I agree with everyone else, tell him to get lost.

merrymouse Sat 06-Jul-13 16:44:39

Thank the universe/gods/lucky stars that he showed his true self in all its glory before you got back together.

Have a lovely holiday and just let this person wash off you life the plankton that he is. It's tough being alone, but nobody needs somebody like that in their life.

pigletmania Sat 06-Jul-13 16:46:55

Yanbu your car your say. Bye bye friendship, does not sound like a good friend.

HoobleDooble Sat 06-Jul-13 16:56:55

I can imagine he had the same "I want to do this, so I will do this and sod how it could affect anyone else!" attitude when he got behind the wheel pissed in the first place.

He needs to grow up before he's allowed to be in control of a vehicle again.

Tell him to nob right off!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 06-Jul-13 17:05:22

Oh God he sounds vile - please do what everyone else says and tell him to jog on, that you'll be fine on your own.

I bet he thinks your gonna welcome him back with open arms!

You did not behave appaulingly - you just said the word "no" (and rightly so) and he didn't like it.

maras2 Sat 06-Jul-13 17:10:48

I just knew that he'd come back.What a drama llama.If you can manage alone,tell him to do one.Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Hissy Sat 06-Jul-13 17:13:07

I hope you told him to shove his 'apology' what a wanker indeed!

trackies Sat 06-Jul-13 17:15:01

What an immature idiot. Can't believe he told you that you behaved badly. Steer clear of him OP.

Euphemia Sat 06-Jul-13 17:15:29

Who behaved appallingly? It's not clear from the quotation marks whether he meant you or him.

ouryve Sat 06-Jul-13 17:19:21

It's your car. Your don't have to let anyone drive it, whether they have a clean license or not.

NatashaBee Sat 06-Jul-13 17:24:47

grin He's clearly realised that he has no means of getting himself home other than you driving him!

TweedWasSoLastYear Sat 06-Jul-13 17:25:49

and where has he been all this time?
in a pub probably .
"dont trip over the tents guy ropes on your way out. Bye."

Jengnr Sat 06-Jul-13 17:28:28

Reply with;

It fucking well will be mentioned, you acted like a knobhead. The offer of help will be accepted if accompanied by an apology. If not fuck off.

GilmoursPillow Sat 06-Jul-13 17:29:44

What Jengnr said.

Raum Sat 06-Jul-13 17:29:54

Sounds like an immature dick, I'd stop contact and if asked why be honest then tell them to duck off. You don't need the hassle of childish men with two kids...

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 17:45:38

I told him to stop rewriting what happened and not to come back as fine without him. Have had a few more since then saying he needs to leave by 7 if he is to get here at a reasonable time. I said No thank you to all.

Loulybelle Sat 06-Jul-13 17:51:51

Well done Sparkly!!

He only wants to return because hes no way to get home.

GilmoursPillow Sat 06-Jul-13 17:53:08

Or he's realised he's fucked up.

Either way, well done for blowing him off. Enjoy your camping.

caramelwaffle Sat 06-Jul-13 17:56:25

Well done.

Enjoy the rest of your trip.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 06-Jul-13 17:56:45

woohoo, Go Sparkly!

NinaHeart Sat 06-Jul-13 17:57:10

Well done Sparkly on all counts. Please don't let this manchild succeed in manipulating you into anything. He's not a bargain.

Sallyingforth Sat 06-Jul-13 17:57:35

Well done Sparkly.
I'd call this a successful holiday. You're having a good time with your DC and as a bonus you've got rid of the lazy hanger-on.

Don't let him crawl back, or this will only happen again.

Well done Sparkly, love your replies.

hermioneweasley Sat 06-Jul-13 18:29:06

Well done Sparkly!

helenthemadex Sat 06-Jul-13 18:37:54

YWNBU he was totally in the wrong and he knows it, good for you telling him not to come back enjoy your camping I do it with my 3 girls its great fun

Sparklysilversequins Sat 06-Jul-13 19:39:43

Well we are still here. I have to say I am not looking forward to when it gets completely dark but if I can get lost by a lake teeming with Alligators in Florida and have to use the GPS on my phone to find my way back then I can do this! (That really happened by the way and it was very scary!)

If you can survive that, you are braver than me. Have a nice quiet night.

GetStuffezd Sat 06-Jul-13 20:18:43

God, there's something hugely punchable about that "you behaved appallingly today" comment. It speaks volumes about how he views you - like some misbehaving, insubordinate animal!
Glad you've decided to stay, hope you all have a great, dickheadless time.

Maryz Sat 06-Jul-13 20:27:19

You will be fine.

The nights are very short - it won't be properly dark until nearly ten, and light again by 5ish.

Just make sure you have emergency loo plans for the kids - either a bucket or a ready dug hole near to the tent they can use in an emergency. Line the hole with a plastic bag for easy removal of midnight poos in the morning grin.

And make sure you have torches, with one spare for later.

As long as you are prepared, everything will be fine.

There are no bears, lions or tigers in the woods in the UK these days grin

Maryz Sat 06-Jul-13 20:29:48

And you are better off without him. But if you do hear crashing about in the middle of the night it will be him, not a randomer, so get cross not scared.

Fucker.

TSSDNCOP Sat 06-Jul-13 20:31:09

I'd take alligators, bears and tigers over a childish cunt.

I'm glad it's not spoiled your day with the kids too much.

Sweet dreams x

ChasedByBees Sat 06-Jul-13 20:31:37

Brilliant - so glad you told him where to go!

ShaggingZumbaStylee Sat 06-Jul-13 20:35:46

well done

Bejeena Sat 06-Jul-13 21:43:20

Xales i am alsogobsmacked that anyone would DRIVE 1km

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 06-Jul-13 22:07:15

Wow what an arse! Well done you for not giving in to his weirdo rewriting of events today and please please stick to your guns, the man sounds awful and would bring so much negative to your life...

Lots of luck for getting through the night, you'll be ok, it's just you weren't prepared for it so haven't sort of got your head in the right state... Try and psyche yourself up and once you do it you'll realise it's fine and you can do it just fine!

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans Sun 07-Jul-13 10:14:02

Cheering you on, Sparkly. How was your night without the wankbadger?

wonderingsoul Sun 07-Jul-13 10:18:45

another here wanting to know how your night went?

good for you for standing your ground and showing him what a dick he is!

is this your last day?

Pimpf Sun 07-Jul-13 10:26:45

Hope you had a good night and well done for standing up to him. You were completely in the right, him in the wrong.

TimeofChange Sun 07-Jul-13 12:46:04

Sparkley: hope the camping is going well.

Think of him stomping off as a blessing, as no way will you get together again.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 07-Jul-13 13:55:34

Well we are back home now to get ready for school tomorrow. Really glad we stayed although didn't feel the best at half one in the morning when ds had a nightmare and was shouting his head off! Couldn't get back to sleep after so just lay there waiting for it to get light.

Had a message this morning saying he was coming back to help pack up and could I pick him up at the nearest train station. So I suppose he is trying to do the right thing. But I know of old that I would never get an apology and it would just flare up again as he would never acknowledge that he is in the wrong and want to try to make me see how wrong I am. So I said no thanks we are nearly packed away now and about to head back. But it was really lovely and the dc want to go again so overall it was a success smile.

GetStuffezd Sun 07-Jul-13 13:56:58

Good for you!!

caramelwaffle Sun 07-Jul-13 13:59:01

Glad to see you had a good time.

well done for saying No thank you.

Jan49 Sun 07-Jul-13 13:59:16

"coming back to help pack up.."

Doesn't that sound like he just wanted a lift home?

Well done for declining his "help".

wharrgarbl Sun 07-Jul-13 14:11:08

I told him to stop rewriting what happened and not to come back as fine without him. Have had a few more since then saying he needs to leave by 7 if he is to get here at a reasonable time. I said No thank you to all.

Excellent. Actions, meet consequences. You twat.

Longdistance Sun 07-Jul-13 14:11:54

Yeah, sounds like he wanted a lift home.

As granny would say...'what a wanker!'

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans Sun 07-Jul-13 14:31:26

You've proved conclusively that you don't need the twat, Sparkly! Now leave him dumped, he's so not worth the hassle.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 07-Jul-13 15:21:50

Well done.

you know, I can almost guess what's gone on here.

You were supposed to obey. When you didn't, then the storming off was intended to bring you back into line. You were expected to beg and plead for forgiveness and/or be unable to cope without him. When that didn't happen, he decided to allow you to have him back on the condition that you never mentioned it (intention that you modified your behaviour and allowed him to feel as though he was in control of the situation and possibly intended to make you feel grateful and scared of him walking away again) and now you have said no to that, his last ditch attempt is to convince you that you need him for the practical (packing up) stuff and he'll do you a huge favour and come back - again, giving him control and having you feel indebted to him.

i'd say that the next attack will be how unreasonable you've been and selfish and how you ruined everything.

You are very well rid of him.

lunar1 Sun 07-Jul-13 15:44:01

Well done for not letting him back

Xales Sun 07-Jul-13 15:51:07

OP you rock.

His loss.

changeforthebetter Sun 07-Jul-13 16:06:49

Well done OP smile

maras2 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:30:09

Good woman yerself.

onedev Sun 07-Jul-13 16:44:12

Well done Op! You deserve to feel proud of yourself! I'd stay clear of that person if I were you!

Sallyingforth Sun 07-Jul-13 16:59:14

So I suppose he is trying to do the right thing
I hope you are not softening towards him.

You haven't seen the last of him. Give it a day or a week and he'll come crawling back, either saying you are forgiven or pretending that nothing happened.
I just hope for your sake you are strong enough to tell him to get lost permanently.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 07-Jul-13 17:33:28

He apparently walked two hours to a train station and went home.

I think that pissing off and leaving a woman and two kids with a shed load of camping gear to dismantle and pack up does not tie in with his idea of himself as being a nice guy, that's why he was so keen to come and help this morning. Anyone who hears this story who knows us is going to think he is a compete twat because I know I would if this had happened to someone I know. He wanted to come back and be the poor guy who had been pushed beyond endurance but STILL did The Right Thing.

No softening here.

Loulybelle Sun 07-Jul-13 17:37:27

good, shame it werent raining.

Jan49 Sun 07-Jul-13 17:59:57

Glad to hear he could walk more than 1km after all.wink

Sparklysilversequins Sun 07-Jul-13 18:00:56

grin

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 07-Jul-13 22:10:38

Oh well done!!!

You survived the night, and refused to let him play his control games.

You are brilliant smile

Sparklysilversequins Sun 07-Jul-13 23:31:25

We have spoken. He now says that he came back from the shower perfectly fine and over it and it was me stomping about packing up confused. I WAS packing up yes because I refused to stay in that situation, been there too many times before. Just completely messes with my head. As I remember it I asked him to step away and discuss it not in front of the dc and he just completely ignored me, with a nasty smirk on his face.

I just don't understand how two people can remember the same event so differently. Apparently I behaved like a child and he only left to protect the kids from listening to silly rows.

Oh well, I just keep thinking about it and wondering if he really does remember it that way and if I completely overreacted. I don't suppose it matters but its playing on my mind.

Maryz Sun 07-Jul-13 23:34:44

It's irrelevant what he thinks happens.

You know what happened. And you also know the absolute fact that he went off home and left you with two children in the middle of nowhere. If he had been worried about arguing in front of the children, he could just have come back half an hour later, said "lets talk about this tomorrow" and stayed for the night.

The fact that he went home is proof that your version of events (him being a stroppy fuckwit) is correct.

Don't let him mess with your head. You did really well, you don't need him.

foslady Sun 07-Jul-13 23:46:24

Have been lurking on this.

He's trying to spin on this and make himself look good.

You did EXACTLY everything he didn't expect, so this is his last line of attack.

You rock OP - and there is NOTHING wrong with your memory - he stormed off because you wouldn't let him have his way

AudrinaAdare Mon 08-Jul-13 00:13:04

Oh well done! You have been bloody amazing grin

Don't engage any with this knobber any more. You have the entire weight of MN AIBU on your side!

<cheers>

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 08-Jul-13 06:41:29

Don't let him do this to you.

Read your posts.

You describe a thoroughly horrible man who you really don't want to a) get tangled up with again and b) inflict on your very vulnerable children!!

Don't start buying into his crap and analysing your own reactions. That's what he wants. Takes the focus of him and allows him to manipulate you into accepting your position as Unreasonable.

merrymouse Mon 08-Jul-13 06:45:07

Well done!

You gave your children a great camping weekend, and you know you can do it again. Big success I'd say.

Somebody who would think the whole "I must drive myself to the shower 1km away even though I don't have a licence" thing was normal behaviour, isn't going to start behaving like a grown up any time soon. Whatever, that is his problem. Just ignore him.

Bunbaker Mon 08-Jul-13 06:49:02

Well done for sticking to your guns. He sounds like a complete waste of space.

Don't drink drivers have to retake a driving test these days before they are allowed to drive again?

peggyblackett Mon 08-Jul-13 06:51:16

He is playing with your head. Please don't let him back into your and your dcs lives. You can do much better smile

minibmw2010 Mon 08-Jul-13 06:51:46

No but you do have to reapply for your licence, until you do it's not 'valid' and you're still without. Stick to your guns, you know what happened, he's just desperate to pretend he does !!!smile

OP have you been reading the threads about Nigella Lawson and how badly she's been acting?
Also agree - why, when you're on holiday would you choose to walk 1km. I can see it if you have 2 DC with ASD and presumably a load of stuff to take with you (not sure how old your DC are) but a grown man, who managed to walk to the station.

Is he your DCs' father? What happens now?

NotALondoner Mon 08-Jul-13 07:02:03

In a way, it doesn't matter if he is right or you are. You have seen a side to him that you didn't like and is not compatible with you, so a relationship with this dude would not make you happy.

WeAreEternal Mon 08-Jul-13 07:18:50

He behaved like a petulant child and is now trying to manipulate you into doubting yourself.

He was wrong, you were right.

It doesn't matter if you were maybe a little over annoyed, he threw a strop and stormed off home because you wouldn't let him drive your car to the showers.
If his virson wasn't complete rubbish, and he did just leave because you were annoyed, why would he walk all the way to a train station and go home? It doesn't make sense. Only someone on a strop would be childish enough to actually go home after a silly argument.

You absolutely did the right thing, I am so glad that you stayed. You should be very proud of yourself.

I think this is a perfect reason and opportunity to cut contact with that man, he clearly isn't reliable, a good role model, or worth the effort.

sarine1 Mon 08-Jul-13 07:36:03

Remember, this is all about his strop when you wouldn't let him drive your car - all the rest of it is secondary behaviour designed to distract you from the main issue - he's not insured so can't drive your car!
He was wrong and he shouldn't have asked.
Your responses all follow from his wrong.
Don't let him bully you.

CSIJanner Mon 08-Jul-13 08:23:31

Do not doubt yourself - you wrote it all down here, fresh in your mind so rely on that.

He's banned from driving and isn't insured. You said no.
He had a strop and then walked over the 1km he whined about to the train station.
He left you alone with two children and shed load of camping gear.
He's now trying to make himself feel better and be seen in a good light by twisting it.

He's behaved like a twat and has been ignored accordingly. Might be an idea to keep doing so and blocking his number grin

GingerBlondecat Mon 08-Jul-13 08:55:51

OP, look up Gaslighting.

it's him trying to 're-invent what happened to make him look like the good guy.

Lol grin

TeeBee Mon 08-Jul-13 09:00:21

Oh God, the dynamics of your relationship sound horrendous. Do your kids a favour and don't take up with him again. What's the point? Sounds like a twat, and probably is one. You've made yourself stronger by not bowing down to him. You didn't think you could cope the night, and you have and enjoyed it! You didn't need him.

shewhowines Mon 08-Jul-13 09:22:01

Well done for giving the kids such a lovely time.

He should be completely apologetic and grovelling now. Even if you were in the wrong (and you weren't) he shouldn't have gone off like that. Has he got form for this type of behaviour?
Big, big red flags. Before you get involved again, think very carefully.

Sparklysilversequins Mon 08-Jul-13 09:41:51

Yes he HAS got form for this kind of behaviour.

For the person who asked, yes they are his dc. We've been separated for 5 years and had started to get on quite well so tentatively started doing stuff together with the dc again. I didn't want to say that the dd are his because I already KNOW that him leaving them was terrible but I wanted to make sure that it wasn't me that had driven him to it.

Was looking at campsites last night for me and dc to go again over summer hols. Maybe not such a "back to the wild" site this time though, nearer other pitches etc, just till I feel more comfortable.

Thanks for all your replies. I KNOW that he was being an arse but he does react so strongly and disgustedly to me that I question myself and wonder if I am a complete twat to him but just can't see it.

Think it's best we go back to completely separate parenting again. Even if it is partly me, it shouldn't be impacting on the dc just because we are knobs!

Maryz Mon 08-Jul-13 09:57:41

It sounds as though you separated for good reasons, and those reasons are still relevant.

Separate parenting may well be the way to go. You can obviously cope extremely well with the children on your own, so you don't need him around.

Not-so-wild camping is a lot easier - a light at night and easily accessed water and loos makes a massive difference if you are on your own with children. And you can obviously manage the tent on your own (or you can rope in a bit of help on any camp site - campers are notoriously helpful if people are struggling).

WeAreEternal Mon 08-Jul-13 10:06:44

His behaviour was even worse then. What kind of a man goes off in a strop and abandons you and his own children to cope alone just because he is in a sulk.

Actually Sparkly forget that, I think what he did was great, he stopped you from making the massive mistake of getting back together with him. Clearly he did you a huge favour by behaving like such an immature loser.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Mon 08-Jul-13 10:37:27

Hi Sparkly, he's definitely gaslighting you, and I think your comment that his last offer of help stemmed merely from the fact that being the kind of person who would leave a woman & 2 kids in the middle of nowhere because things didn't go his way, doesn't fit in with his self-image, is very perceptive. Because of course, it turns out he is the kind of bloke who would leave a woman & 2 kids in the middle of nowhere because things didn't go his way, and he's given himself ample enough evidence to prove it - but you've denied him the ability to deceive himself about this.

I suspect he will be looking for more opportunities to try to get you to collude in minimizing his awful behaviour throughout this episode, so don't expect this to be the last plea/demand/bargaining attempt you'll hear from him on this subject.

So if you were ever to feel yourself wavering, just re-read this thread from start to finish to remind yourself of his actions as they happened, and remember that you are definitely well rid of him!

merrymouse Mon 08-Jul-13 10:49:23

So he has 2 children with ASD, but has never bothered to renew his licence. Nice.

Sparkly, you don't have to be on your best behaviour 24 hours a day to expect a grown-up to behave better than this. Do not blame yourself. In this instance it is quite clear cut and there is no way that he has behaved any way other than pathetically. However victim blaming is one of the tricks of the trade of the bona fide tool. (Again, see Saatchi).

pandaptogether Mon 08-Jul-13 11:14:28

can I ask how he left to go home, did you drop him back or did he get a lift?

Sparklysilversequins Mon 08-Jul-13 11:52:43

Apparently he walked two hours to the nearest train station and got a train back. We were only camping about two hours away from our home town.

Patosshades Mon 08-Jul-13 12:06:58

All he's done this weekend is to remind you why you should still be apart. Don't put yourself back 5 years by getting involved again.

shewhowines Mon 08-Jul-13 12:43:40

Yeah, give him a wide berth. Find someone who respects you. Respect and trust yourself though. Your instincts were correct. Don't doubt yourself, now or in the future.

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