DH is being unreasonable [title edited by MNHQ]

(179 Posts)
expatbrat Sat 06-Jul-13 03:27:58

To think that it's bloody ridiculous how much research is going into which Doctor to go to for a vasectomy and how little (none on his behalf) it was for me to go on birth control?
I mean REALLY... Get over it and get it snipped!
Happily married, 2 grown kids, no plans for any more (fingers crossed) Time of life I would like to not be screwing up my hormones and reach menopause in some kind of natural state. All he has to do is pick which Dr he would like to go with and in/out Bobs your uncle.
IABU to think Google is a bugger and should be banned from all Husbands on a quest for vasectomy horror stories?

Should add he really does agree/want to get it done.

mynewpassion Sat 06-Jul-13 03:38:32

YABU. If he's already agreed to get it done, let him choose a doctor that he will have confidence in.

Ubermumsy Sat 06-Jul-13 03:45:27

I'd rethink your thread title if I were you...

Rulesgirl Sat 06-Jul-13 03:46:54

Leave him to it. Thing is vasectomys are not always straight forward. There can be a lot of pain for weeks or months after and general aching in the balls. Let him do his research. If he is doing this for you and him then support him.

expatbrat Sat 06-Jul-13 03:47:50

Ubermumsy why?

prissyenglisharriviste Sat 06-Jul-13 04:01:42

'Special'? Let's hope you aren't using it as shorthand for special needs, eh?

I think 'precious' may have been more appropriate.

Wtaf does 'special' mean, here?

nooka Sat 06-Jul-13 04:09:01

I've heard 'special' being used to mean right pain. For example I arranged a course at my previous work and some of my team were really quite difficult. The course leader said they were very 'special'. I would suspect that it's this sort of meaning that the OP has in mind. Not sure if there is or isn't any relationship to the use of 'special' as in special needs.

ThisWayForCrazy Sat 06-Jul-13 06:01:37

A vasectomy is a major op, which can result in some unfortunate circumstances. How about you support him rather than belittle him?

My 'D'H refuses to have one angry

The fact I've had 15 years on the pill, 2 pregnancies & I'm still sorting out birth control is irrelevant apparently. Bit of a sore point in our house wink

Oh & I've been awake since 5 due to his snoring...wonder if I can do a DIY one on him grin

Sorry I didn't answer... YANBU wink

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 06:55:23

Reportedfor most offensive thread title ever

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 06:57:16

'special' is regularly used to be derogatory about SN, usually accompanied by a silly voice too

Ubermumsy Sat 06-Jul-13 06:57:32

nooks, I've only ever heard it in the context prissy describes. Even if not meant that way here, it seems an unwise choice of word.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 06:58:30

Yes, meant or to,I dont want to read it

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 06:59:01

Grr or *not

Tee2072 Sat 06-Jul-13 06:59:26

Hardly the most offensive thread title ever but agree it's stupid.

It's surgery. Let him deal with it his own way.

Tee2072 Sat 06-Jul-13 07:00:26

But then again, what's the name of Justin's show? Something Special? Is that offensive?

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 07:00:31

Tis the most offensive I have seen on here

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 07:01:44

Comparing name to a show for kds with SN is fatuous and obtuse.

I've said my piece, not debating it. That title is offensive.

and i didn't even think of the word special as being related to special needs at all.
i took it as it was probably meant.
that your hubby is being a bit of an arsehole.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Jul-13 07:03:19

I think the OP may have meant "Precious"

ShaggingZumbaStylee Sat 06-Jul-13 07:04:07

It depends how it was meant I guess - "special" I have heard used in place of the horrible R word.

OR it could mean

"Acting like he is something special" = Acting like he deserves more than me

Lweji Sat 06-Jul-13 07:05:08

Stop having sex until he does it?

Surgery is surgery and why didn't you research when going on birth control?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Jul-13 07:05:14

yes Shagging


I think if this is how he approaches big life choices (lots of research) then let him be. It is a big deal

Ubermumsy Sat 06-Jul-13 07:05:40

In this thread title's usage of the word, I certainly thought it was offensive.

Tee2072 Sat 06-Jul-13 07:06:00

Okay. So it's offensive to use it as a thread title but not on a TV program because the show is for children.

That makes perfect sense.


I take back my earlier comment. There's nothing wrong with the thread title. And I have a son with SN.

LeoTheLateBloomer Sat 06-Jul-13 07:07:10

1. I saw your title as a piss take of those with SN. I would use 'precious' in this context.

2. YABU. A vasectomy is a much bigger deal than going on the pill.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 07:08:46

Tee. It's the apostrophes, and fact it's being used as insult

( can't believe I have to spell that out tbh)

WeAreSix Sat 06-Jul-13 07:09:24

There was a thread in S&B a while ago which was deleted for the disablist use of the word 'special'.

As OP has put it in speech marks, I take it to mean the derogatory way which is offensive to parents with children who have SNs and those who have SNs.

IPreferCats Sat 06-Jul-13 07:09:36


I did 10+ years on the pill. Came off to get pregnant and found DH was infertile. 2 rounds of IVF with ICSI, a twin pregnancy, c-section and then the broken body I've been left with. All he needs to do is a day surgery procedure.

Can you tell it's a sore point in my house too!

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 07:09:57

The show isn't called 'something "special" ( pisstake voice ) is it?


FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 07:10:52

Yes..I meant its in quotes, not apostrophes.

Tee2072 Sat 06-Jul-13 07:13:07

Whatever. It's too fucking early on a Saturday to get offended by something someone posts on MN.

Enjoy your day.

SolomanDaisy Sat 06-Jul-13 07:13:10

I was shocked when I saw the thread title, but reading the OP it is pretty clear she means precious, as in her DH views himself as someone too special for normal treatment.

curlew Sat 06-Jul-13 07:13:24

Oh come on. Everyone knows that using "special"!like this is offensive. What else does it mean?

JumpingJackSprat Sat 06-Jul-13 07:13:39

Yabvu. its his body, you shouldnt get a say in where he goes. if he wants to spend time making sure he goes to the right place maybe you should either butt out or actually suppirt him, you know like couples do?

LeoTheLateBloomer Sat 06-Jul-13 07:14:14

I'm in complete agreement with Fanjo

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 07:15:28

Tee..I agree it is too early..could hve done without reading it and automatically feeling offended..you are right.

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 07:20:36

I think YABU, and yes, your thread title did make me shock
It's surgery on a very delicate and important part of his anatomy, and he sounds a bit nervous.
'Screwing up my hormones' are you comparing his worry of surgery with taking a pill? Are you usually this impatient with him when he's feeling vulnerable? Poor sod.
Does he tell you when you are being silly and irrational too, and get grumpy?
How long has he been dithering between choices?
Feel free to go on a sex strike. If I were him it wouldn't influence me. I don't fancy people that pressurise me into making a rushed decision.

amistillsexy Sat 06-Jul-13 07:23:59

I agree with Fanjo. Appalling choice of words.

Also an appalling lack if empathy for your dh, op.

Pagwatch Sat 06-Jul-13 07:24:47

Its a stupid title. Just get it changed. Jeez.

MrsDeVere Sat 06-Jul-13 07:25:31

its crap and makes you sound like a child not a woman approaching menopause.
People can argue till they are blue in the face its offensive.

Something Special is a show for children with Special Needs.

Its not a show about people who are behaving in a stupid or childish way. If it was, it would be an offensive title.

I can't believe a grown woman thinks its ok.

If you mean precious you should have put precious. If you meant he thought he was extra special and his vasectomy needed more research than anyone else's you have slipped up massively with your choice of title.

Either way, it needs changing.

Oh and if he wants to spend time researching who is going have their hands on his gonads why shouldn't he?
Having a potentially irreversible and uncomfortable procedure on your genitals is hardly comparable to using contraception.

OneHandFlapping Sat 06-Jul-13 07:25:57

FGS it's special as in "Mummy's special little soldier". Nothing to do with Special Needs.

You can't make Special a reserved word.

It's getting so nobody can say anything at all in case somebody else gets offended.

I turn up on all vasectomy threads smile

They can go wrong. About one in ten are ballsed up. It's good he's going in with his eyes open.

TinaSurrey Sat 06-Jul-13 07:28:12

One of my work colleagues e mailed me asking why I had missed their name off a report (I hadn't but they had just missed it by only scanning through I guess.).

Ten minutes later before I had replied he mailed me again saying "ignore my last e mail, it was me being special".

I was speechless! He clearly didn't see it as an inappropriate word to use. I mentioned it to one other person who was of the opinion it wasn't an offensive term so I thought it must be me. Quite relieved to have my instinct proved right - but clearly others have no idea it's an offensive term.

kungfupannda Sat 06-Jul-13 07:30:15

I immediately thought that the OP was using "special" in the insulting way, too.

Something Special is a bit different - although I know some people are uncomfortable with the title - as it's deliberately taking something that people use as a snipy little insult and turning it into something positive - it's saying 'yes, we are special, and we're included' That's how I've always interpreted it. There's also the fact that it's attached to something that is meant as a positive, inclusive thing for children with disabilities.

And YABU, OP. Both in your choice of insult and in your spectacular lack of support for someone about to undergo surgery for both of your benefits.

If he'd been sarcastic every time you gave your labour and birth process any thought, or tried to discuss it, I doubt you'd have been happy.

Pagwatch Sat 06-Jul-13 07:30:20

That's quite the hobby - cruising vasectomy threads grin

fairylightsinthespring Sat 06-Jul-13 07:30:27

OP you are being a bit U about him getting in a flap over the surgery. As to the thread title, really can't believe how het up people get over a word (possibly) slightly misused because the OP was focusing on the point of her thread, not agonising over semantics.

Pag, I see it as my duty to Dhs one remaining testicle. smile

Pagwatch Sat 06-Jul-13 07:34:16

In fairness fairylights, that's bollocks.

It's not semantics about a little word. It's whether the op is sneering at her husband by comparing him to a person with SN. For a chunk of people that is not a little thing.

I m not to bothered because the op sounds massively insensitive so I am going to put a shit title choice down as a part of her manner.

lisianthus Sat 06-Jul-13 07:35:04

I thought she meant as in "special snowflake", but let's see what the OP says. She may be horrified that it has come across as insulting to children with SN.

MrsDeVere Sat 06-Jul-13 07:35:09

I know onehadflapping!
People won't even let you use good old fashioned words like R****d now.
And the way those homosexuals have taken over that lovely gay word is just shocking.
Its all that health and safety gone mad innit?

Pagwatch Sat 06-Jul-13 07:35:27

Oh goodness thisisaeuphemism. Poor him!
It's a personal crusade then smile

Ubermumsy Sat 06-Jul-13 07:36:32

Look, there's a big difference between saying "he thinks he's something special" and "he's being 'special'". The latter usage is unacceptable IMO. Saying that it's trying to make special a reserved word is missing the point.

It is- every time, the word vasectomy turns up on Mumsnet I'm on it like a surgeon with a rusty scalpel...

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 07:37:54

So there you are expatbrat.
Not only is your title insensitive and offensive to others, you are also coming across as insensitive and unsupportive to your husband in your post.
Was that what you expected would happen?
Will you come back all huffy and indignant and filled with reasons for your unreasonableness? Like a brat?

Poor choice of thread title. Please don't use "special" in that way. Yes, it's just a word, but so is "retarded". Or "cripple".

WeAreSix Sat 06-Jul-13 07:40:00

So a homophobic or racist word would be ok too fairylights as long as the OP focusses on the point of her thread?

curlew Sat 06-Jul-13 07:40:13

It's political correctness gorn mad, I tell you. You just can't say anything nowadays! Well, all I can say is that all my black, gay and disabled friends think it's hilarious when I call them chocolate face, faggot and spaz. They've all got senses of humour you see. In fact they all get quite cross when the professionally offended take up arms in their behalf. They think that's offensive in itself.

kungfupannda Sat 06-Jul-13 07:40:15

The problem is "just semantics" or "jut words" hurt people.

What's wrong with expecting people to think a little bit more about how they phrase things - especially when discussing things on a forum, where we only have words to go on? We don't know anything about the OP, or whether she's someone who is habitually insensitive, or whether she's lovely and just hasn't made the connection between the way in which people use the word "special" and special needs.

Words are the way in which people express their views. Pulling them up on their words might just make them re-think a viewpoint or a casual prejudice or thoughtlessness.

fairylightsinthespring Sat 06-Jul-13 07:46:48

Fine, point taken. I do understand why people are upset, I just think that the amount of "upsetness" is perhaps out of proportion to the intention of the thread title. I notice that the OP was written at 3am so maybe she wasn't thinking entirely clearly.

SolomanDaisy Sat 06-Jul-13 07:46:56

Curlew, I can't tell whether your post is a joke or not. I do hope so.

MrsDeVere Sat 06-Jul-13 07:51:31

I think curlew's post is very obviously a pisstake.

A response to all those who appear on these threads bemoaning how they are not allowed to say whatever they want anymore without someone daring to tell them how offensive it is.

They miss the point. They can say what they want, they just have to deal with the consequences. Boo hoo.

curlew Sat 06-Jul-13 07:51:50

SolomonDaisy- I think it says a lot about society in general and Mumsnet in particular that you have the slightest doubt.

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 07:51:56

'I notice that the OP was written at 3am so maybe she wasn't thinking entirely clearly.'

Clue is in the name though, she's probably in a different time zone.
With foreign doctors. shock
I do feel sorry for her husband, my mum was much more understanding when my dad was fussing.

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 07:54:35

'Words are the way in which people express their views. Pulling them up on their words might just make them re-think a viewpoint or a casual prejudice or thoughtlessness'

Jazz did on a post a while back when I explained why 'Fucktard' was offensive. She was shocked and won't be using it again. Because she's a reasonable person.

The children on Justin's show have special needs. They are special children (no irony).
This poster is using the word "special" which in this specific context means 'short for special needs = a bit slow, backwards, r****' and is used that way by schoolchildren and adults with no sensitivity or awareness.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 06-Jul-13 08:04:21

fairy - clearly the point isn't 'taken' by you. It doesn't matter when it was posted, it is offensive. It's not what she 'wrote' that's the problem, it's what she thought. That comparing the way her DH is acting to someone who has special needs. It is horrible.

OP -

YABU - to have used ''special'' in that way - it is hugely offensive. How on earth has that missed your radar?

YABU. It's his genitals that are going to be affected, not yours. Just tell him how much longer you are prepared to take the pill for then he needs to either have had it done or no sex. Job done.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 06-Jul-13 08:06:57

Oh and to the nincompoops who say things like 'you can't reserve a word' FFS, there's a world of difference between saying 'It's a special birthday' or 'You make me feel really special' and saying 'He's acting ''special''' and if you genuinely can't see that, I pity you - but just learn not to do it.

curlew Sat 06-Jul-13 08:15:33

Anybody still in any doubt, imagine it pronounced "speshul" with air inverted commas and thatface (I'll go into details if anyone needs me to). Get it now?

Tortington Sat 06-Jul-13 08:18:39

poor use of title - but doesn't need a huntng party furnished with torches and pitchforks.

RE vasectomies - i truly believe women are held to randsom over this point.

I told my husband in no uncertain terms that unless he had a vasectomy, if i became pregnant, he could stay home and look after the 4/5 children we would have under the age of 6.

I told him that by my early 20's having already had three children, i had had more than my fair share of NHS hands up my vagina, and feeling my boobs.

in contrast at that time, he had never had a doctor or nurse touch his balls or penis.

I had pumped hormones into my body, tried every kind of contraception, had my periods messed about because of this and my emotions all over the place.

DH on the other hand didn't have to do this. has never had to take drugs that alter his hormones.

and all this by the time i was in my early 20's. I had asked to be steralised- I had taken responsibility for my body, but because of my young age the doctors said no. ( this was many moons ago it might be different now).

I had to take anti-depressants because i was so low after the births of my children i wanted to kill myself.

and after the arguments above, if he didn't go and have a vasectomy, well i would consider that he had no regard for my wellbeing, no love in his heart and no consideration for anyone or anything beyond the embarrassment of having someone look at his genitalia - something which i had to do regularly.

I always thought it was pretty well know that saying someone was being 'special', especially when pronounced 'speshul' as Curlew said, was very offensive.

I work for a charity that advocates on behalf of people with learning disabilities, and I also work with adults with learning disabilities, one of the tasks I had to do at my induction was to list words and phrases used to insult people with learning disabilities and explain what they mean/why they are offensive. 'Special' was definitely at the top of the list.

FannyFifer Sat 06-Jul-13 08:23:11

I just thought OP meant he thought he was more special & important than her with regards to sorting contraception etc.

echt Sat 06-Jul-13 08:24:41

Same here, FannyFifer.

I'm sure OP meant to use 'precious', however if no-one points out when someone is using offensive language, it stops them from being able to correct themselves.

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 08:25:50

Tortington, he's not refusing to have it done, OP says
'he really does agree/want to get it done.'
He just wants it done right and is worried about it, so he's researching first.

LondonMother Sat 06-Jul-13 08:26:48

I think expatbrat is coming across as very unsympathetic in the OP, but as she lives abroad I wonder if she knows how that phrase is coming across back here in the UK? I have to say, I didn't read the phrase that way and I've spent my entire life here. I read it as 'special snowflake' type of behaviour, not behaving like someone with a disability.

And just to throw a spanner in the works, when we decided our family was complete, I was the one who had surgery. I didn't want to become pregnant again under any circumstances and wanted to be as certain as I could about that. No regrets at all.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 08:26:49

It's not a hunting party with torches and pitchforks.

It's some individual posters commenting and being offended, separately.

I took it as meaning precious and a bit of a drama llama.

SolomanDaisy Sat 06-Jul-13 08:29:56

Cutler, thank God! Unfortunately your post is scarily close to things I have read on here which the posters did mean.

SanityClause Sat 06-Jul-13 08:33:45

Wow, I really didn't know that "special" was used as an insult.

MN teaches me new things all the time.

I do think the OP meant "precious", and wasn't intending to imply anything to do with disability, but I do think perhaps it would be appropriate for her to ask for the thread title to be edited, in light of the upset it has obviously caused.

Sunrunner Sat 06-Jul-13 08:38:23

I originally thought that "special" was being used as in "special little snowflake".

I don't (and hope) op used it in a sn context.

I read it as precious. I kinda know how the op feels tbh. My dp backed out if having a vasectomy I'd love for him to have one. My body doesn't get on with the pill , I don't trust the implants , the dr advises me against a coil and even the latex free condoms irritate me. I've gone through a traumatic pregnancy with my second and for once I'd like him to do something.

I wouldn't be as unsupportive as op comes across but I do see how she would feel frustrated.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 08:44:22

Oh give over, its clear op isn't meaning it that way. It's another word for precious. I've seen loads of posts saying "I'm speshul" and noone ever pulls them up on it.

Op Yabu about your dh though, its a big thing so its right he's researching

Tortington Sat 06-Jul-13 08:45:50

Yes, i think the OP now understands very clearly that she should have given the title a little more thought. I think she has been thoroughly educated by lots of separate people who in no way influence each other

Eyes - i was making a general point as others had posted similar stories. I also read monumental procrastination into the post - as obviously the OP is frustrated at ball feet dragging.

The fact that anyone thinks curlew was serious says it all to me. Curlew made a highly excellent point through irony.

YoniMatopoeia Sat 06-Jul-13 08:48:15

Yuk to thread title. None of my family happen to have special needs, but I agree that using that word, especially in quotes, is offensive.

as to the OP's DH researching doctors to carry out the procedure, that seems eminently sensible.

My DH, like over 10% of men, suffered extensive pain for an extended period of time after his VS (over 2 years in all). Luckily all is well now (there was no guarantee that the pain would not be permanent), but it is not a quick little snip with no risks.

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 08:48:28

'I've seen loads of posts saying "I'm speshul" and noone ever pulls them up on it.'

Really? Well many of us who have children with additional needs do try, but we can't be everywhere. Unfortunately the ignorant and insensitive can.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 08:50:54

Yes, really really.

So I can't use the word special in case I offend anyone, even though the context might have sweet fa to do with sn? confused

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 08:53:36

Did you read and understand Chipping's post, or do you need more coffee?

'Oh and to the nincompoops who say things like 'you can't reserve a word' FFS, there's a world of difference between saying 'It's a special birthday' or 'You make me feel really special' and saying 'He's acting ''special''' and if you genuinely can't see that, I pity you - but just learn not to do it.'

thegreylady Sat 06-Jul-13 08:54:02

Oh gosh I never thought of the word special in the title as meaning other than a bit entitled. To me all children are special as in lovely individuals each unique and valuable. Like a special piece of jewellery or a special treat.

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 08:56:23

Aside from the title, OP YABU.

Of course someone will want to research the procedure and the competency of local providers. That you chose not to for a prescription has no bearing on whether he does so for an operation.

needaholidaynow Sat 06-Jul-13 08:56:26

The show "Something Special" opens doors for people to take the piss because of the title and the fact that children with SN are regularly on the show.

I don't think it was particularly clever of the BBC to pick a name like that when the word "special" is used as an offensive term to describe people with SN. If there were no such children featured then people wouldn't bat an eyelid and would think the title suggests viewers are going to see "something" special on show, whatever that may be.

Personally I wasn't offended by the thread title nor something special's title.

CinnamonAddict Sat 06-Jul-13 08:57:30

OP be happy he has decided to have it done, by whom is his choice. How picky he is is down to him, too imo.
Relax a bit, it's not exactly an easy decision for most men.
Special does not ring any insult bells for me but I'm forrin. Hope I haven't used it and unknowingly offended people.

WeAreSix Sat 06-Jul-13 08:57:58

Toys, of course you can use special in context. Like receiving a special gift, or saying that your partner had made an extra special effort.

But, like the S&B thread that was deleted, saying things like 'these shoes make me look special' ie they're big and clumpy like stereotypical correction shoes, or to describe someone's behaviour as special when it is a reference to behaviours of those with SNs is offensive.

CinnamonAddict Sat 06-Jul-13 08:58:54

I don't watch (much) tv, maybe that's why.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 08:59:38

Read, understood the point trying to be made, and disagree.

And I've had plenty of coffee ta

My interpretation of the op is that she feels her dh thinks he is special, precious, the only person who has looked into a vasectomy. It's a shame that people are so quick to assume she meant it in a sn context.

RhondaJean Sat 06-Jul-13 09:00:11

Ignoring the title...


I think one reason that men find it a terrifying thought is that women, especially those who have had children, are used to people poking and prodding their bits (doesn't make it any better though). I know ŵith my DH it was the first time he had had to let anyone do anything like that and he was terrified.

But Thr main this is, he DID it. I cannot imagine belittling his worries. And it is an op, I disagree it's a major op but it is a life changing one, I can only liken to : I want to get my eyes lasered, I know lots of people who have had it done, but I am petrified because in some cases it can go wrong with awful consequences, and while if it worked it would be wonderful there are other options for me, so I won't go. Your DH is willing to. Don't be so hard on him!

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 09:01:37

If OP wants to talk about vasectomies, it might be worth starting a new thread in, say, Family Planning.

But of course there she will find several recent vasectomy threads. I strongly recommend she reads the posts about post-operative complications before consigning surgery to the "get over it" category.

I would not want, as OP suggests, to ban the MNetters who have posted about their complications banned from here or their posts deleted so they were not discoverable on google.

YoungBritishPissArtist Sat 06-Jul-13 09:05:27

Has the OP returned?

I read the thread title as a slight on SN. Not cool.

MrsDeVere Sat 06-Jul-13 09:15:16

So I can't use the word special in case I offend anyone, even though the context might have sweet fa to do with sn?

Really really? I thought you posted that you could read and understand?
So either you can't or you are being obtuse.

Which one? Is it theToys?

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 09:18:07

Op is probably wondering WTF has gone on with her thread!

OP (if you are still hovering) - If you meant it in the SN context - really fucking bad and shame on you

If as I suspect you meant it as in "god he thinks hes so special" then YANBU about that BUT YABU to think he can just pick someone and get it done.

TSSDNCOP Sat 06-Jul-13 09:22:11

I can see from your explanations why Ops use of special is offensive, but I saw it in a different way. I've always known special to be used as a gentle insult in the context of "you think you're something special" as in better than the rest.

OP I reckon you're just blowing off some steam, but when you recover from being clobbered I'd get the thread title changed wink

cricketballs Sat 06-Jul-13 09:23:01

ffs now I have heard everything! needaholidaynow what is the first word in SN? that gives you a clue that it is not an offensive term to describe SN but part of the title used.

As with most of these threads, it would be interesting if those who are so offended are of the group of people being discussed hmm

By the way, the show is brilliant especially the episode my DS appeared in grin

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 09:23:05

MrsDV - sorry I'll explain a little clearer:

OP uses word special, probably having nothing to do with SN context

OP gets roasted for use of the word special, because sometimes people use that word in a negative way when talking about SN

Another Poster (me) asks if that means that they cant use the word special even if its got nothing to do with SN.


FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 09:24:43

Another poster (me) contends that you are being willfully obtuse here.


TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 09:27:36

Ok, try again as Im clearly not the only obtuse one here grin

"I must be special as Im the only DH EVER to have a vasectomy" <---- is this ok to say?

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 09:29:46

"I want that last chocolate because Im special as Ive had the week from hell and Im the only person to ever get stressed out"

is that ok? Going off this thread Id have my head kicked in if I used that phrase.

Mrsrobertduvall Sat 06-Jul-13 09:31:52

I think op's husband is Marinho. grin

needaholidaynow Sat 06-Jul-13 09:33:38

cricket Like I said I am not offended.

I was merely making an observation. No I am not of that group. I was just saying that people might take it as an insult because of the word "special" which I myself think is ridiculous. That is why i thought the BBC weren't smart because someone out there will be offended.

It goes a long with Baa Baa Black Sheep. The word "black" in a nursery rhyme? Well I never.

LondonMother Sat 06-Jul-13 09:35:09

The example given that was deleted from S&B was clearly offensive and meant to be.

'These shoes make me look special/spechul/'special'.' I can't think of any way in which that could not have been meant as a slighting reference to disability.

However, I do think the OP's title is nothing like as clear cut as that. She's implying that her husband is making a fuss about nothing and behaving as if he is special in that he can't just submit to the ordinary run of the mill NHS procedures like everyone else. Nothing whatsoever to do with special educational needs.

Clearly for those of you with children with SEN still in the school system this is a very, very sensitive issue. But I'd never even heard of that BBC programme before opening this thread. It is possible to give offence entirely unintentionally, you know.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 06-Jul-13 09:39:43

Context is everything

Unsuspecting person - "blah blah blah .....I like that black one over there"
Mumsnet - "what? You fucking racist twat, how fucking dare you use that word to describe someone, whats wrong with "that person over there". I pity your children"
Unsuspecting person - "er....I meant the black bag"
Mumsnet - "oh......well, just so you know its still offensive and if you cant understand that I pity you, and your poor children, have you had enough coffee?"
Unsuspecting person - "erm....confused okaaaaaaay"

Abra1d Sat 06-Jul-13 09:43:40

'Special' used to mean 'precious' has been around for years.

curlew Sat 06-Jul-13 09:55:38

So why the inverted commas? And why "being special"? Not "thinks he's special"?

There is much disingenuousness on this thread,

MarshaBrady Sat 06-Jul-13 09:59:40

It's the quote marks. It mimics the way people say it.

Something special is fine as it doesn't have them. With the " would be a different thing - and entirely ridiculous.

GobbySadcase Sat 06-Jul-13 10:07:06

Omg what a disgusting title.
Which is why I avoid using special needs, preferring additional.
Just like when the ignorant turned the word spastic from a medical term into an insult... I suppose it's because small minded bigots see disability as being lesser and therefore the terms to describe them are fair game for insults.

It's really sad and not at all in the spirit of 'this is my child'.

ParadiseChick Sat 06-Jul-13 10:07:36

Jesus fuck

YouTheCat Sat 06-Jul-13 10:12:03

Oh ffs.

OP - 2 bricks... job done. grin

gamerchick Sat 06-Jul-13 10:25:22

'kin hell.. The things people choose to be offended by these days. [/eyesrolloutofhead].

Let him do his research OP.. He'll get there eventually.

hazeyjane Sat 06-Jul-13 10:25:33

I read the title to mean "special" = stupid, and find that offensive.

If the op had said 'AIBU - Dh thinks he is special' I would not find that offensive,

Agree that some people are being disingenuous.

(And as a sideline op - yabu, it is his operation on his parts, he can google as much as he likes!)

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 06-Jul-13 10:32:55

Morning everyone,

Thanks to everyone who brought this thread to our attention.

As many people on the thread have pointed out, "special" may not always be derogatory towards the SN community. However, in this case we felt that it would be better to edit the title to avoid any confusion or upset.

Also, just a gentle reminder that we will remove threads that become bunfights.

Hope you all get to enjoy the sunshine!

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 06-Jul-13 12:58:08

Well I find the Asda Extra Special range offensive.

Cos that's the same as calling someone "special" as an insult, of course.

hmm at the massive disingenuity on the thread.

Glad the title was edited

YoniWheretheSunDontShine Sat 06-Jul-13 13:03:57

I am v hot on this kind of thing BUT special is usually used to describe diva like behaviour making un reasonable demands.

In this instance I would take op to mean that.

differentnameforthis Sat 06-Jul-13 14:13:00

OK, so if it is that easy op, why don't volunteer to be sterilised?

That's what I did. I live with a medical phobic dh! We talked about vasectomy, we looked into it, he couldn't do it & I am not in any position to force him. So I had a tubal ligation.

Before we got to the point I always expected (in my own mind) that dh would have the snip, also thinking that I had "done my bit' for our family. But once the time approached I realised how bloody stupid, selfish & point scoring stating that I had "done my bit' was. I didn't use childbearing as a competition that my dh had no chance of winning. Therefore my attitude that it was now "his turn" shocked me.

As I said, after talking about it, I dropped it & decided to get it done myself. There was nothing to it.

I don't understand why we expect contraception to fall to men after we have decided that we have had enough. I mean, unless they use condoms, they can't really do much else...they can't carry the baby, give birth etc.

Every one would be in uproar if a woman was forced to carry a baby, or take the pill, to get sterilised, yet we seem to think we can force men to get invasive surgery!

FannyFifer Sat 06-Jul-13 14:17:50

It's not forcing, its about being with a man, in my case who shows respect for what I have put my body through for us as a family.

High risk pregnancies, hormones with the pill and associated health risks.

As our family is complete, I have done my bit, he wanted to do his.

prissyenglisharriviste Sat 06-Jul-13 14:56:26

Just the quotes. That was all. <shrugs>

Anyway, I can't get excited over vasectomies. When dh started getting precious about it, I just pointed out the Caesarean sections, episiotomies, tears, bucket loads of stitches, and weeks having fanjo physio as a result of bearing his children, and told him to suck it up, princess. grin

Having a kid disabled by childbirth helped as a motivator, natch.

Eyesunderarock Sat 06-Jul-13 15:03:30

But he isn't objecting, he just wants to check out all the possible outcomes and options. OP would be better off saying he needs to make his mind up and get it booked by a certain date.
I'd be very pissed off if I was scared about something like extensive dental work and my OH told me to suck it up because he'd had worse.

yamsareyammy Sat 06-Jul-13 15:18:22

I didnt see the original thread title, so cant comment on that.

Not sure op will be back either, but I suspect she will read this thread.

I think it is fine for him to do research, even extra research.
His body and all that.
And yes, you could do as I and others did and deal with the matter yourself, though I think I am right in saying that it is still a bigger issue for women than for men.

The question I really want to ask, if you come back again, is just how much research is he doing?
Looking it all up for days and nights for weeks?
Though, if he is definitely going to get it done, that is up to him really.

yamsareyammy Sat 06-Jul-13 15:19:18

Thinking about it, expat might be in bed, being an expat and all that.

expatbrat Sat 06-Jul-13 15:20:07

Good morning all,

It would appear I have managed to offend the majority of MN for which I apologise.

All children and adults are special. Some have different needs to others. Thats what makes us all unique individuals. To the people that were offended by "Special" apologies again. It would appear to mean something different to you and I.

If I had to change the title, without over analysing it, it would say... DH is being a "Precious Prima donna" Obviously I seem to have some kind of addiction to inverted commas that needs addressing and am probably going to get roasted by all the Ballerinas now sad

Moving on as it's still early here and only on my first coffee of the day..

Some background. We move Country approx every 1-2 years most of the time it's to third world Countries (work related) At the moment we are in a place with excellent medical care and will be for a further 6 months.
DH suggested it's the perfect time to get the procedure so we have researched together and found 3 Doctors all with excellent reviews and all he has to do is pick which one.
I am not forcing him or his crown jewels into surgery. I am not on the pill but have a coil that if he doesn't hurry up and pick which Doctor soon, will need to be replaced, just to have it removed again in a Country where sanitation and Dr qualifications are questionable.

This is turning into a novel and just haven't woken up enough to want to justify or explain anymore.

Apologies again smile

MrsMook Sat 06-Jul-13 15:33:44

I'm sure it could get exasperating if he keeps going over and over it.

I don't get to compare stats of suprise pregnancies on the person who inserts my implant.
I don't get to pick the obsertiction on duty for my emergency CS/ stitching up my perineum (which apparently was a knotty mess according to the MW on home visit)

Yes, pick someone decent, but you can have too much detail and over thinking. Women succumb much more to the luck of the draw in managing reproductive health.

(side matter, I'm not too convinced on the move to publish data on Drs performance in the NHS)

yamsareyammy Sat 06-Jul-13 16:17:30

Pick the nearest doctor?

To be honest OP, it's to the benefit of both of you that he finds the best doc for the job. Maybe the more experienced the doctor, the less likely they are to leave the knot so loose that some of his swimmers get through. Or something.

But I can see how you'd be getting impatient. Having the coil fitted isn't exactly pleasant, the two procedures may be quite comparable actually.

If he keeps dragging his feet, ask how he feels about two years of celibacy...

Ubermumsy Sat 06-Jul-13 20:07:24

OP, at the risk of making you feel beleaguered, you might want to rethink your use of the term "third world". Not so much because it's offensive (though I'm sure the citizens of those countries might be a little hmm at it) but because it's a massively outdated concept.

But I know I am a nerdy pedant to even point it out grin

expatbrat Sat 06-Jul-13 20:17:01

Nope, I'm fine thanks smile

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 21:24:27

It takes several months to get the all clear after vasectomy - if you're lucky it can be as few as two, if unlucky then between 6-12 months. So to may need to renew your contraception even if he had an operation on Monday.

Yes, the experience of the surgeon is important - are they doing vasectomies regularly? Also, which method do they use? Definitely worth finding out the answers to those two beforehand.

Futterby Sat 06-Jul-13 22:03:47

I'm only commenting on this because I'm desperate to know what the thread title was!!

Futterby Sat 06-Jul-13 22:05:46

Never mind - figured it out confused

Pagwatch Sat 06-Jul-13 22:07:50

Really? You can't work it out?
And it upset people so you think that someone is going to re-post it?

Pagwatch Sat 06-Jul-13 22:08:50

X-posted. Thank god.
It was a bit worrying.

Futterby Sat 06-Jul-13 22:14:47

Didn't read past half-way down the first page as I have no opinion on the topic and I didn't want anyone to repost it. Was simply making a comment. hmm

TheFuzz Mon 08-Jul-13 12:39:38

Just to keep on topic. Hopefully your DH will be one of the 90% that are OK after surgery.

Just be cautious, that if he is one of the 1 in 10, and you don't have access to good healthcare, or indeed the likes of the NHS, then things could get very expensive.

I've landed in the 10%, been in pain for 9 months now, and just about to go in for risky surgery to 'try' and aleviate my pain. I'm fortunate we have the NHS, and they have said that post vasectomy pain is a 'very difficult condition' to treat. Oh and don't worry about conraception if he falls into this category, you'll be lucky if he get's frisky again.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 08-Jul-13 12:46:33

If you have known anyone that has had post-vasectomy problems as I have, you would not be so blasé about it. Yes, perhaps the problem rate is low at 10% but it can be very very painful and unpleasant and cause other knock on effects. In his shoes I would also be looking around and trying to find the best possible (if that means getting some statistics somehow on a highly rated surgeon). I think it's wrong of you to show so little empathy and support. It may only be minor surgery in the scheme of things, but it is still surgery and I don't think any procedure should be taken lightly. If someone is worried about their possible surgery, they have every right to be.

On the other topic, are Kellogg's going to rename one of their cereals?

TheFuzz Mon 08-Jul-13 12:55:53

I wouldn't call 10% low. It's incredibly high given the success rates of other surgeries. It's a simple procedure, but the 'risks' are very much played down, and not mentioned by the NHS, until you've actually got the 'problem'.

My next surgery has to be done under a General, and there is just a 50
% success rate it will get rid of my pain. There is considerable risk it will make it worse, or I even lose a ball. This I am 'bricking' it about.

What I can't accept is that the NHS really don't tell you the risks properly. I hope my GP has learnt that they 'should' be telling folk of the risks.

JerseySpud Mon 08-Jul-13 13:04:23

I didn't see the title but im starting to think that our use of the word special (ie when extremely hungover - 'i feel special' ie 'i feel especially bad today') is wrong O.o

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 08-Jul-13 13:04:59

TheFuzz - agreed, I meant more that people generally seem to regard 10% as low risk until they really look into things. Medical or otherwise (ie, 10% chance of rain, that's very low, I shan't take a brolly).

TheFuzz Mon 08-Jul-13 13:14:02

JessicaBeatriceFletcher - any 'good news' story from the 'person(s)' you knew with PVPS.

The condition is really getting me down !

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 08-Jul-13 13:20:30

He's OK now but he was in pain for ages, swelling that wouldn't reduce, a lot of bruising. Turned out something hadn't been done quite right and was causing all sorts of knock-on effects and he ended up with a thrombosis, I think, real agony, leg swollen twice its size, going back in and a hospital stay two weeks if I recall and recuperating at home another three weeks. I seem to recall having read some horror stories on MN on similar threads too. Good news, he is totally and utterly fine now, but it was three months before he was out and about properly and totally free of any pain. His wife now regrets bitterly nagging (her term) him to get it done.

I've known some guys up and about next day with not a twinge. I've known others who've been laid up in a helluva lot of pain for over a week.

You're very brave to go back for the op, Mr Fuzz and i wish you all the best.

I too resent the lack of information we had. Before the op, DH had to attend a counselling session where him changing his mind, wanting a reversal, or the op not working was discussed. However, 10-15% chance of long-term pain was not mentioned. Sigh.

lougle Mon 08-Jul-13 15:11:20

exbrat, thanks for your post.

To anyone who thinks "Special" isn't offensive, I was once at a Theme park with my DD1. She had recently been diagnosed with SN. She had an 'exit pass' because of her SN.

She broke free and ran under a barrier for a ride. I was calling out 'Don't let that girl on!' and trying to get to her. A woman gave me a scornful look. I said 'Sorry, she's got SN.'

The woman said 'Yea, well, they're all special aren't they love hmm'

I felt so humiliated that I couldn't stop DD1 breaking free, that it looked like I was a queue jumper, etc., and in the end we just left.

"Special" can cut like a knife.

ChippingInGoAndyGo Tue 09-Jul-13 00:23:05

JessicaBF On the other topic, are Kellogg's going to rename one of their cereals?

Are you really that unable to comprehend the difference between Special K, special birthday, special day out and he's being 'special'?


JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:14:39

Sigh. Irony is lost on some people, isn't it?

Have to say, pre-MN, I had never used the term 'special' in the derogatory context. Seriously, I hadn't. Maybe it's a regional thing but I asked others and work and they had never heard it used in THAT way.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:15:08

should say "used or heard the term"

Abra1d Tue 09-Jul-13 08:22:15

It is also ironic that 'fuck..g Jesus' is used to protest about offensive language.

MrsDeVere Tue 09-Jul-13 08:23:32

That isn't irony or ironic

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 08:24:17

'Have to say, pre-MN, I had never used the term 'special' in the derogatory context. Seriously, I hadn't. Maybe it's a regional thing but I asked others and work and they had never heard it used in THAT way.'

Do you have a child with additional needs? We tend to here it more often than those not directly involved. It usually comes with air inverted commas. Or you can hear it used by numerous 'comedians' like Boyle and Carr.
Bit like me not having heard all the abusive terms for men pre-MN.
It wasn't in my RL experience.
The fact that you don't see it as an issue, and are giving the impression that you feel some people are over-sensitive, indicates your own lack of sensitivity IMO.

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 08:25:33

'We tend to here'

We tend to hear

Need more coffee!

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:34:52

If you look on page 5 of this thread you will see assorted posters going off about how they feel it is getting to the point where you can't even use the word special without being jumped on. This is to what I was referring and I was being ironic.

Oh, and by the way, I have a cousin and a close friend who are wheelchair users and at primary school my best friend had Down's Syndrome and no one ever referred to him as special. Although if anyone had ever said anything nasty about him, they'd have had me to deal with (and did, I seem to recall). I also have worked at a college for young people with learning difficulties and SN. So I don't think I am totally insensitive to the issue, thanks.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 09-Jul-13 08:44:56

YABVU. I have never felt so bad in all my life after encouraging DP to go for a vasectomy thinking it would be a quick snip and all would be well. I have never seen him in so much pain, swelling, bruising. I can't describe the agony he was in, he couldn't walk, stand up properly, lie down without pain and eventually had to be readmitted to hospital. A blood vessel had been cut during the procedure. To see him go through this pain was heartbreaking and seeing the kids frightened that daddy was in hospital. I encouraged him to go and he agreed, but it was discussed between us. If he hadn't wanted to do it I would have gone and I wish I bloody did, poor DP, just awful. Let your husband do all the research he wants, only after this did we start hearing of many other men who had had horrendous experiences as well. I still feel like I packed a bag for him and dropped him of at a butchers.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 09-Jul-13 08:47:34

Only after the op did we hear others experiences, not after research, sorry.

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 08:49:04

Thats all very nice Jessica but I am honestly not sure how helpful.

You sem to be suggesting that because, in your limited and somewhat peripheral experience with some people with special needs you have not had negative experiences, that your experience must define that of others?

My best friend growing up had a brother with quite severe cerebral palsy. I helped at a mixed ability youth club. My parents worked and we lived within the grounds of a residential home for people with various mental health issue. I knew fuck all until I was living day in day out with my son. The experiences are not in the same ballpark.

It always shocks me how often people who know someone with SN, or who ave worked with people with SN are so blissfully unaware of problems. The woman who posted that hideous 'if I buy these shoes will they make me look 'special' haha' thread also worked with people with SN as I recall.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:55:19

No, I have not suggested any such thing. Please point out where I did so. I merely stated that until I joined MN this year I had never heard (or used) the word special being used in any derogative way. I can think of plenty of others, but never special.

Was the OP deliberately offensive in her heading? We can't be sure. Possibly. She could have just been naïve. Should there have been pages of flaming? No - a few comments and then MNHQ changed the heading. The thread about vasectomies became more about the use of the word special than the actual subject matter.

So, back to vasectomies, shall we.....?

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 08:59:21

These sorts of things go in waves dont they.

The new word on the block looks like it is probably going to be additional.

That will go fine for a while, eg 5 or 10 years? [Even 15 -20 years sometimes as in the word special.
When it first came out, I thought it was a good one. And as i thought, it lasted longer than some].

Then some people will start mocking the word additional.
Some other people will hear that and stop using the word additional.
Then some others will realised, and do the same
Next it becomes mainstream to start not using it.
[At this point, another word will be searched for].
Then there will be the stragglers who will not have heard that the word additional is now a mocking word.
And finally, the people who were using it nastily in the first place, will realise that they repeatedly get into hot water about it, and give up on the word.
Meanwhile, the new word will be being used.

[I feel like I have lived too long].

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 09:02:44

That's a pretty snippy response to a reasonable point.
Just because you have never seen special used in a mocking way may be down to luck or it may simply be that you are unaware or oblivious as you don't know experience living with a person with SN all the time.

And feel free to go back to vasectomies. People were talking about that when you made your hilarious breakfast cereal joke.

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:02:48

OK. Vasectomies.
OP still hasn't clarified how long her husband has taken from them deciding that a vasectomy was what should happen, up until the point where she's huffing down his neck sighing and grumbling about the time he's taken to research who and how and what.
Which to me is a pretty important factor in deciding if he's being unreasonable or not. Weeks, acceptable. Several months...pushing it. smile
But it's still his body and his decision, so he isn't being unreasonable to take as much time as he wants.
She is not being unreasonable if he's taken more than three months and is still faffing.
Perhaps condoms and diaphragms until they are both happy? Or no sex at all.

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 09:05:11


Yes. I agree.
The thing is if people stopped mocking people with SN , using them as the punchline or the insult, then the words themselves wouldn't matter. And we could just all get along fine calling each other buttheads or wankbadgers.

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:06:08

Come on Pag, you know that people who work as professionals in the sector without personal experience can be dim unaware of the minutia.
Haven't you popped into the 'Goose and Carrot' ?
The name is not an accident.

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:23:04

It would be a better world all round if people only got insulted and marginalised because of things they had actively chosen to do that caused harm to others. Instead of just because they are different in whatever way.

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 09:28:06

smile yeah I know eyesunderarock.
Still shocks the hell out of me everytime. I should be used to it.

The brilliant woman who ran my sons nursery would rip strips off any of her staff who became 'well I know all about what it's like dealing with ASD'.
She would say 'you don't. You don't live it. Your experience is the same as aholiday snap. You know nothing. Never forget that or you become worse than useless'
She is awesome.grin

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:33:28

We need more Awesomeness from people in all areas. grin
It only takes one encounter to give me a happy thought that lasts for a long long time.
I have a mental 'Avenue of the Righteous' with a tree for every person who has made a difference in our lives.

curlew Tue 09-Jul-13 09:53:30

I know the title has been amended, but as the debate is going on, can I remind people that the word "special" was in quotation marks. What possible explanation for those quotation marks could there be?

There is absolutely no problem with using the word special. Special offer, Special K, special day - fill your boots. There is, however, a big problem with using the word "speshul". Often with a "joey" face. Remember them?

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 10:03:41

curlew. I wish I had put my post at 8.59am as points
I think, and could be worng, that Britain is at point 3 "Then some others will realise and do the same". Not sure. I dont think it has got mainstream yet. Havent heard anything in the media yet for example, but I dont see as much of the media as I use to.
When it is all over the media, then yes those special words may well be revised.

curlew, can I ask,if it gets to the straggler point, would you then see a problem?

fwiw, I dont think addition will last as long without being mocked, as special did.

MrsDeVere Tue 09-Jul-13 10:22:16

It wasn't ironic.
It was a weak joke.

I was pointing out that your use of 'ironic' was erroneous.

There is no irony in saying that Kellogg are changing the name of one of their cereals. This is not what irony means.


float62 Tue 09-Jul-13 10:31:30

1) Using the word special in a derogatory way linked to people with additional needs - this must be a new thing because it has definitely and widely been used in the past as a humorously derogatory term in regard to people who thought they were a bit better at something than they actually were, and it would have been said with emphasis on the word 'special'. There was absolutely no link to people with 'special needs' which itself is a relatively new term now widely used and recognized for its meaning. I am a parent of a child with SN and could easily have used the word 'special' in a number of contexts associated with its several nuances in meaning and not realized I had upset somebody by doing so.

2) Vasectomy - YABU. A gentlemen's member is as dear to him as his own heart and they take interference with it very seriously indeed. Of course we need more research to develop male contraceptives that stop the forming of sperm and then they would have more choice than the snip or covering up.

MrsDeVere Tue 09-Jul-13 11:13:12

But float would you have used it to infer that someone was acting in a way that suggested that they had learning difficulties or a mental health issue or that they looked as if they wore orthotic shoes?

I would be very surprised if you did given that you have a child with SN.

If you had not you would not be offending anyone apart from the person you were aiming your comments at.

For the record I have never heard the word used out of the above context. Not on its own. I have heard 'awww who is mummy's special soldier/flower etc' but never as an insult on its own unless its to do with SN.

I'm 46 tomorrow so have been around a while.
The term SN is relatively new and therefore so is the insult.

I had to pull a teenager up a while ago. She didn't know the context but when I explained it to her it made absolute sense. She had been parroting something without thinking about it.

Abra1d Tue 09-Jul-13 11:28:00

*That isn't irony or ironic

Oh, it was just gratuitously offensive. That's OK then.

MrsDeVere Tue 09-Jul-13 11:41:21


BabsAndTheRu Tue 09-Jul-13 17:44:12

TheFuzz wishing you all the best for your op, I remember you from my thread about DP. Hope it all goes well for you.

lougle Tue 09-Jul-13 21:53:39

It's actually incredibly simple.

Special K - fine

'She thinks she's something special' -fine

'Mummy's special soldier' - a dig at someone who is deemed oversensitive by personality, not by any condition.

'Does this make me look 'Special'? -not fine. 'Special' indicates a classification, a shortening of 'Special Needs'.

'Does this make me look special?' -fine, if it's talking about a smart or pretty outfit which is different to your normal outfit.

'It was just me being 'Special'' - not fine. Even if the quote marks aren't there. It's saying 'Oh just for a moment there I was like one of those people.

'Something Special' - ok. Intended to highlight that the programme is a special programme for children with special needs.

See...it's not hard to use the word special in different contexts and still understand that in some contexts it's offensive.

WeAreSix Tue 09-Jul-13 22:04:16

Well said lougle

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