Mil related

(38 Posts)
nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 21:17:55

So mother in law asks us tonight to take her shopping.now we had just bathed the children and put them to bed and were eating ourselves.now we always take her everywhere without asking for anything and yet she never does anything for us its always for her other children/grandchildren. On Tuesday my partner was at work and i had the hospital to see about gettin my gallbladder removed and she couldn't watch our 2 boys as she wasn't well.this has been the excuse for the past month anytime we have needed something yet when her other son needs the children watched she always does it saying as its no problem.
would i be unreasonable to tell her to grow up as she is now acting like a child in that she says we never do anything for her so why should she do anything for us etc.
So bloody angry.

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 21:59:16

I think I'd decide what i wanted to do for her and then just say 'no' to anything else. not worth getting into an argument, she may feel too ill to look after your dcs, doesn't mean you should argue with her these situations can easy get out of hand. She doesn't have to look after your dcs the same amount as her other dcs and you don't have to take her shopping.
I know how much it is frustrating my mil favoured others and we always had them to stay every easter, christmas mothers sday a nd i did get fuming but I'd just advise choose what you want and don't do the rest. she is what she is and you won't change hersad

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:07:54

I get that but the day i asked her and she said she was too ill my partners brother rang up asking of she would take his children and she did.thats what annoys me the most.

Loulybelle Fri 05-Jul-13 22:10:11

Simples, just dont do anything for her, if shes gonna be selfish, then sod her.

mrspaddy Fri 05-Jul-13 22:10:13

Hmmm... could you use the same excuse.. maybe that is a bit petty sorry! Put it off for a while.. honestly sometimes the more you do the less you're appreciated. It is hard though as you sound good natured.

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:24:14

Trust me I know annoying with MIL and I had dh that would agree with her not me! still think its best to be annoyed on your own, don't involve her= maybe she does prefer dbs children over yours even but still challenging her will do no good and you will waste your life getting stressed while she just carrys on doing what she wants!! Not fair,YADNBU but you can't change her.

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:25:04

Mrs paddy i am really considering using the same excuse as there has been days when iv been in severe agony and can hardly walk yet iv taken her where she wanted to go.
It just feels like I am being used as the only time she contacts us is when she needs something and she wouldn't even think to ask how my 2 sons are.
loulybelle i like your idea the best but then everyone moans about how she cant go anywhere as no-one will take her.she has 3 other children perfectly able to take her yet she wont ask them as they wont do it.

Loulybelle Fri 05-Jul-13 22:26:08

Nona, just ignore the moaning, your not her personal taxi, she has others to ask, if shes that desperate, she'll ask.

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:28:17

I like loulybelles two answers!!!

Repeat slowly 'No I can't'

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:29:08

Thank-you cjel it just gets really annoying when she lies about being ill but yet when I am genuinely ill and in pain from my gallstones and i also have arthritis in my knee from an old injury that i have to get on with things and take her everywhere as iv i didn't she would starve. There is a shop a 2 minute walk away from her house.hmm

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:30:37

She sound like a nightmare. rant here its safersmile

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:32:24

pressed send to soon.How did you get on at the hospital? I've heard gallstone pain is horrendous.

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:33:29

Cjel u told her tonight that no i cant take her as we were at dinner she freaked out and told her daughter who then got on the phone to me and was going on about how mean i was and how else could her poor mother get her shopping.and when i suggested her taking her mother i got laughed at and was told oh no in too busy watching tv!!

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:36:47

I couldn't get to the hospital cjel as i had no one to look after the children as she cancelled an hour before my appointment. Iv been suffering with them since jan but thought it was bad indigestion at the start blush so in going to have to bear the pain for another 3 months as that is when my consultant is available again to discuss it.
Oh and the pain is 100x worse than childbirth.

PoppyWearer Fri 05-Jul-13 22:38:05

Much sympathy, gallstones are indeed worse than childbirth.

You will feel so much better after the operation!

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:39:11

One of my sisters in law who lived 3 hours drive away while the rest of us knew mil needed to go in a home as we couldn't cope any more told another one that she should go in on her way to work and make sure fil had got her dressed. when told no and if you want to look after her move up and do it was also laughed at and said she was too busy and she didn'teven work!!!

Hope your dh stuck up for you. I'd try really really hard to just say'we can't and hang up. the choices are either you do it and run yourself into the ground or they moan about you!!!

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:43:41

No unfortunately he didn't stick up for me as she has him wrapped around her little finger.ha 2 of her children have no children and don't work so could do all that she needs done but they wont.

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:45:11

Thank-you poppy its just a waiting game now to see when i can get someone to look after the children when i get my next appointment.

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:48:32

No wonder you get angry. everyone thought my mill ws a saint but if you ask her sons wives we have a different story. I was married 30 years before I left and just always knew he would always pick her 1st, dh and his brothers could be abroad on business for 3 wks and then come home and have to go straight back to see her despite not seeing their own dcs all that time.
If he doesn't see a problem then its really hard, it just sounds like you are being selfish and don't like their precious mummy!!

Flakita Fri 05-Jul-13 22:52:42

Is your mil a narcissistic mother? My MIL is down to the letter. Cant post links but a quick google will bring up lots of helpful sites and tactics to avoid being driven mad by their toxic behaviour. Sorry to hear about gallstones my grandma also said pain was worse than childbirth...(hug)

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 23:09:39

Haha cjel he actualy asked me did i not like his mummy. I told him the truth about how i didn't like her as her and her husband stole my partners money that he got when he was hit by a car when younger (he doesn't want to upset them by bringing that up) There was a time when we had separated and he had no work and i wasn't working because of the children i needed nappies for my youngest baby n he asked her for a lend of £10 and she had the cheek to say no i have no money and yet when i tell him to ask for his money back i get told no as it would upset them too much. I had to drive 68 miles to my mothers house just yo get a packet of nappies. She is as evil as thru can get really flakita. I just don't know how to make him see this.

mumofweeboys Fri 05-Jul-13 23:29:59

Check out your local sure start for one off chreche or contact hv as my friend got childcare paid for her to have her gallbladder removed.

nona2706 Fri 05-Jul-13 23:33:06

Thank-you mumofweeboys i will look into that for when the time comes.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 05-Jul-13 23:35:42

don't say you are eating. say you are not well. I would be tempted to say that you arer not available until you have sorted your gall stone problem out... and unfortunatley that has been delayed as you could not get to the last appointment.

do not rely on her again. ease back and reduce contact as much as possible.

formicadinosaur Fri 05-Jul-13 23:57:34

I wouldn't say anything. Next time she makes a request, say sorry we both don't feel well enough. And repeat.

Or you could ask her why she babysits for one son and not the other?

What are your kids like and is your house comfortable?

nona2706 Sat 06-Jul-13 00:06:21

My boys are 2 years 9months and 11 months she is 47.define comfortable please as i think its comfortable. And my boys are well behaved when at their grandparents as my mother kept them for 4 days recently and said they were a pleasure to have and she is keepin the youngest on the 18th for a few nights so that we can take the older one camping.

nona2706 Sat 06-Jul-13 00:18:40

Blackeyedsusan she doesn't care if we aren't well she still expects us to run around after her.as iv said there have been a few times iv been barely able to move and dopped up on pain meds she has told me to get on with it and i still had to take her.she doesn't know what the word no means.

Benby Sat 06-Jul-13 01:12:15

Hi nona
I think that's my wonderful mil your talking about cause I could have written your post. My mil is exactly the same I have 2 dd's and my eldest is 3.5 and my mil last minded her when she was 18 months old. It was for 2 nights while I was in hospital but my dh had to stay there the 2 nights as well.
When it comes to our dn she takes him 3 weekends out of 4 he is always having " sleepovers " in nana's and when my dd asks she is always brushed off.
She favours my dh's brother too so its only natural that she will favour his kids. It hurts our phone only rings when she's looking for something and its really bad at the minute as she's recovering from an illness and I'm not working and dh is on holidays from college so of course we should be at her beck and call and when we say about sil helping out we get told sure she can't do anything she has 2 kids. I'm like what have I got then scotch mist ! !
Anyhow how we've dealt with it is we only do for her what we want to. And anything else she needs to sort herself. We do most of the running about for her but we limit it to once a week. We don't get involved with house stuff and that ( Christmas decorations are world war 3 level ) we leave that to number 1 son. It's been working ok but I think things will get a bit tough again when dh goes back to college as I don't drive and there is only 2 days in a weekend and that is our family time.
But I'll worry about that in September. Take a step back from them all and put yourself first. I'm lucky my dh knows what his mam is I know its harder when your fighting against it on your own.
Best of luck
Benby

nona2706 Sat 06-Jul-13 01:21:31

Thank-you benby your post made me well up a little bit as me and him have just had another row about how manipulative she can be.my partner takes the car to work but she expects me to get up wake the 2 boys and take him at 6.30 in the morning to take her shopping when there is perfectly good buses that run through the day that she can get. And to make it worse he agrees that she shouldn't have to carry her shopping on the bus!She used to do it when she had 4 young children in tow so i don't see why she cant do it now saying as she is perfectly healthy.
My eldest is starting to pick up on it now and asks why x goes to nannies but he doesn't and why nannie doesn't like him. sad It makes me so angry that she can make him feel like this at such a young age.

Benby Sat 06-Jul-13 01:46:51

Ah nona don't be silly now they couldn't possibly get on public transport now could they , and they can't carry shopping with the arthritis in their hands and the bus stop that is 4 doors away is far to far away to walk too.
My eldest dd is starting to ask aswell why her cousin is always sleeping over at nanas. What can you say it's heartbreaking.
She also never listens to us when we talk and just ignores us or talks over us. My heart goes out even to my dh when we visit its distressing to see how she treats him. My dh does often say to me why can't she be normal like my mam.
We lost a twin pregnancy back in may and the morning that we were having the scan to either confirm everything was ok or confirm we'd lost them there was no call or txt or nothing to say good luck or everything will be ok. After we got our bad news I went to the loo and when I came back dh was a bit upset. I asked him what was wrong and he said when I had gone the loo a chap was sitting beside him and the chaps mam had rang to see how everything had gone with their appointment. My heart broke for him and she never rang either he eventually rang her at 5 o'clock and all she said was it was for the best it happened early and not later in the pregnancy. And it could be worse look at x ( x had cancer )
We have had no support during this time and we're not suprised by that either.
She won't ever change so all we can do is change the way we deal with her.
Regards
Benby

Nona your MIL is younger than I am, tell her no and leave her too it.
She sounds like a nasty piece of work.
When your Dh asks if you don't like his mum, just say No I don't she's very unsupportive, she is way too young for you all to be treating her like a little old lady. My 74 year old mother runs me about when I visit, and is looking after my 19 year old at the moment.
When my Mum is at ours she watches my 8 year old while I go food shopping, so if my 74 year old Mum can do it for a few hours, your 48 year old MIL has no excuse, but selfish.

ChasedByBees Sat 06-Jul-13 02:18:34

Why can't she get a bus? She's 47, not 80. confused

When she tells you to get on with it, just say that might have been possible if you'd had your consultation. But you are in too much pain. She doesn't worry about telling you she's ill. Just keep repeating no. If your DH/DP wants to run around, fine. No reason you should.

3amagain Sat 06-Jul-13 02:38:49

I was imagining an elderly MIL but she's only 10 years older than me and I have a toddler and a newborn! Why can't she manage on her own, get buses etc.

Let your DH get public transport to work if he thinks she needs the car - he'll soon change his tune!

MummytoKatie Sat 06-Jul-13 05:01:21

"Sorry - but I'm not safe to drive on this much medication. I don't want to crash the car with you/your mother in."

Bloody hell! I thought she was elderly. She's a year younger than me and I have a 6, 7, and 11 year old and I manage to run around after them.

I think you need to get this thread moved to Relationships and get the folks there to help you sort out your DH and MIL. Though you have had excellent advice here.

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 05:46:57

That's a good point about not being able to drive on the medication. When I was either pumped with painkillers or having a gallstone attack, driving was something I most definitely avoided!

myroomisatip Sat 06-Jul-13 08:08:17

Oh my word I feel for you. I suffered from gallstones for years because the attacks were infrequent and I ended up vomiting and thinking it was just 'something I ate'.

How does MIL contact you? By phone? Can you not answer and then dial 1471 to check up on who called or get a 'caller display' or answer phone.

Withdraw as much as you can and dont interact with her kids either.

3littlefrogs Sat 06-Jul-13 08:35:35

She is 10 years younger than me and I am working, still have a house full - youngest is 15 but still lots of running around - she needs to get on and sort herself out.

Just say no. She is an adult and should not require assistance from anyone for normal, every day living.

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