To just not want to see this (Facebook related)

(83 Posts)
LilyontheLeaf Fri 05-Jul-13 17:27:15

I genuinely can't decide if IABU or not.

My friend's son was stillborn five years ago. I cannot begin to imagine her pain and her continued suffering.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of his death. She has changed her profile picture to a picture of her son.

It just popped up on my newsfeed. I found the image of a dead child really distressing.

I of course respect her right to grieve in any way she wishes, and of course I would never ever say anything directly to her about this. I know my feelings of distress are nothing in comparison to hers.

But I really really wish she hadn't done it. I can't get that little face out of my mind.


Rachtoteach Fri 05-Jul-13 17:30:29

I think, whilst I understand how you feel, YAB a little U as we should 'put up' with our feelings of sadness/discomfort at seeing this type of image and allow that poor mother to grieve for the loss of her child.

bigTillyMint Fri 05-Jul-13 17:31:57

Maybe it's her way of saying that she doesn't want him to be forgotten and that she would like to talk about him and her terribly sad experience?

LalyRawr Fri 05-Jul-13 17:35:46

I see this as a case where neither of you are being unreasonable.

She is not unreasonable to grieve how she chooses. If this is how she wishes to remember her son, then who is anyone else to tell her not to?

You are not being unreasonable to be uncomfortable with it. Same as other people may dislike it due to reminding them of their own losses. I have to say I dot think I would like to see pictures of dead children either, though hypocritically, I have a photo of my own daughter who died at birth.

It's one of those things that people will deal with and react to differently.

FeckOffCup Fri 05-Jul-13 17:37:37

I can see why it makes you uncomfortable, I saw photos of my colleague's deceased infant a few years ago (he died very shortly after birth) and it was very hard to see, although obviously nowhere near as hard as the suffering that the bereaved parents go through but it is distressing to see, I can still picture his face and as I said it was years ago and just the once I saw the photos (they were actual pictures rather than on facebook) but if my colleague wanted to show pictures of her son and felt that helped her grieving process then she is not unreasonable at all to do so. There still seems to be a big taboo around infant and child death and if people are challenging that and speaking out about their child then hopefully that can help others going through the same thing.

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Jul-13 17:42:38

My friend has a photo of her stillborn DS on her mantel piece

He looks no different to a sleeping baby.

travellingwilbury Fri 05-Jul-13 17:44:17

I am sure she would rather be showing you photos of her son doing sports day instead which no doubt she has had to cope with this week .

I suppose it depends a bit on whether or not the pic is, well, gross. I sincerely hope it's not and imagine that, as Worra says, the baby just looks asleep. But I also think that neither you nor your friend are in the wrong and it's just something you'll have to get over.

YANBU not to want to see it, although I hope that's out of sorrow at her situation, rather than just squeamishness.

YWBU and cuntish to say so to her, or complain about it to any mutual acquaintance.

travellingwilbury Fri 05-Jul-13 17:49:00

I am sure if she had photos of him alive and breathing then those are the ones she would choose to show .

Is she a close friend ? Have you asked her how she is doing ?

katatonic Fri 05-Jul-13 17:54:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sundanceclaire Fri 05-Jul-13 18:11:24

It's a difficult one, I don't think either of YABU. A colleagues son was stillborn a year before she started at my work, she put a picture of him on the wall by her desk, I have to be honest and the baby was very discoloured and you could tell he wasn't just a sleeping baby. It was an A4 sized image and tbh whenever I went to talk to her about something at work I lost my train of thought because it was so in your face. The other colleagues who worked in the same office/room as her spoke to the management because it was a v distressing photo and they felt it wasn't appropriate. Management said ok then but everyone must take down photos of all of their children, which was fairer imo and was done.

If I was you I would hide the photo from your news feed.

everlong Fri 05-Jul-13 18:14:30

Woah yabu.

Imagine having to live with actually giving birth to a baby that isn't alive? Seeing him dead?
Living without him forever.

Now that is awful.

EeyoreIsh Fri 05-Jul-13 18:18:02

I don't think your friend is being unreasonable. It's her baby and that's how he was born to her. she'll be hurting and seeing pictures on Facebook all the time of other kids the same age as her child would have been.

Give it a day and it'll have slipped down your feed so you don't have to look at it any more.

She's probably breaking inside today. The poor lady.

BegoniaBampot Fri 05-Jul-13 18:22:42

YANBU as you can't help how you feel and many people would rather not see this. but then she isn't BU either and people should understand that she feels she needs to do this and it might bring her some comfort.

Jubelteen Fri 05-Jul-13 18:23:35

YANBU, I think it's a very personal picture to have online. I have a picture of my father on his deathbed which I find it very comforting to look at but I wouldn't change it to my profile pic on his anniversary.

everlong Fri 05-Jul-13 18:27:06

Your father is not the same as your son.

travellingwilbury Fri 05-Jul-13 18:32:21

But that is because you have a choice of picture jubelteen .

I have a pic of my son after he died , I didn't want it , I have 14 mths of happy pictures . But because the hospital took the picture I felt I had no choice but to take it . But if it was the only picture in existence of my son who I held after he died then I would treasure it and maybe I would want other people to see it as well .

I assume it is her way of shouting that he existed , he was here ! He matters !

Hopefully you have asked how she is , all his peer group are coming to the end of their reception yr at school and I am sure she has sobbed over many of those pictures and stories of how grown up little johnny looks in his uniform .

It is shit for her , it is a passing upset for you .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Fri 05-Jul-13 18:35:21

I think its a mixture of unreasonable and reasonable. I think its okay to be surprised to see the picture. I know the first time I saw a picture of someone's stillborn child, it jolted me because she didn't look like a sleeping baby at all. You are also being unreasonable to wish she hadn't done it. It probably breaks her heart a little every time someone changes their profile picture to one of their happy smiling alive child. I doubt everybody wonders whether about the effect their happy smiley pictures have on other people every time they post them so why should she worry about everybody else if she wants to remember her child in that way.

blackbirdatglanmore Fri 05-Jul-13 18:37:37

I think yabu, sorry. It's like others say, she'd far rather post picture of him alive and well. I am sure if she had those pictures she would post them (even if he had since died) but she doesn't.

DebsMorgan Fri 05-Jul-13 18:40:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dippymother Fri 05-Jul-13 18:42:34

I have changed my fb profile to that of my late DH on the anniversary of his passing (nearly 5 years ago). It comforts me and it's nice when friends make comments about the various memories they had of him. It feels as though he hasn't been forgotten by others, even though life goes on.

However, 25 years ago (before DCs), a lady I worked with lost her baby to cot death. She brought in photos of her baby and I found that very difficult and thought it a very strange thing for her to do, but since those days I have experienced losses (my DF, DS1 and DH) and perhaps that has enabled me to empathise with others much better.

Put yourself in her shoes if you can. She's done it so that it reminds her friends/colleagues that she's hurting and doesn't want the memory of her son to be swept under the carpet and forgotten.

FasterStronger Fri 05-Jul-13 18:44:16

i personally would not do it. but if my friend did that, i would support them.

your friend just wants everyone to remember her child. everyone else putts up pictures of their children.

changeforthebetter Fri 05-Jul-13 18:49:02

yabu have a heart fgs. poor woman sad

SaucyJack Fri 05-Jul-13 18:55:59

Ah no, YABVU. He was a person too, and she has a much right as any of us to put a picture of her son up as her profile pic.

It's hard to explain without sounded like a knob, but when a friend showed me a picture of her stillborn daughter, I felt honoured and proud not disgusted.

katiecubs Fri 05-Jul-13 19:02:21

YABU - she's still hurting and always will. Perhaps it's worse now so much time has passed and other people have started to forget.

LilacBreastedRoller Fri 05-Jul-13 19:03:23

Travellingwilbury and Lunatic have written much of what I wanted to say better than I could. Babies who are stillborn are distinctive individual family members, just as much as children who are luckier. I would know my son anywhere, he was beautiful and I am hugely proud of him. I don't use Facebook so I wouldn't choose to share his pictures in that way, but nothing hurts more than the feeling that people would rather 'steer clear' of him in some way, or pretend he wasn't a real person but rather some kind of mistake to be hushed up. If you are really this woman's friend in any meaningful way you need to grow up and accept that this is how the world is for lots of people, even if most would prefer to stick their heads in the sand.

The way you have framed your feelings is not particularly kind. The choice of AIBU, the thread title about "not wanting to see this", and then the indication "Facebook related" are hardly sensitive. I understand that our society is full of wilful ignorance and taboos which make pictures like this unfamiliar territory, but most bereaved parents are happy to help people work out how to understand their friends' relationships with their missing children. If you really wanted to explore your feelings with any delicacy there are many more sympathetic ways you could have gone about it. I really hope she doesn't see this thread.

Jubelteen Fri 05-Jul-13 19:04:27

Of course I understand that a father is different to a child, and I've got lots of other pics to choose from. I also think it depends on who your FB friends are, if it includes randoms you haven't seen for years I wouldn't want them seeing such precious pics. I understand that your friend would like everyone to take a minute to remember her baby tomorrow, just not how I would do it but each to their own.

needaholidaynow Fri 05-Jul-13 19:07:55

YABU. I don't feel distressed when I see pictures like this, I just feel so so sad for the baby and family and how utterly cruel life can be at times.

The worst thing is knowing that people have forgotten about your child when you haven't. You always think about them and in particular on significant dates such as the anniversary of the birth. Thinking what could have been and how they should be blowing their candles out and unwrapping their presents excitedly, and posting pictures of this rather than one of the few you have that make you well up. sad

People grieve differently.

LynetteScavo Fri 05-Jul-13 19:12:35

You found it distressing???

How fucking distressing do you think your friend finds it?

LynetteScavo Fri 05-Jul-13 19:13:09

Such a photo would make me feel damn bloody grateful.

MickeyMouseHasGrownUpACow Fri 05-Jul-13 19:15:32


YANBU to feel however you feel. We can't help our feelings. But surely you can get past your feelings of discomfort and see that your friend has to live with the loss of her child? I can't imagine having to go through and live with anything worse, tbh. The only compassionate response to such a photograph being shared is kind acknowledgement, eg 'Thinking of you x' or 'Beautiful x'. Just some little comment to show that you've seen the picture, you understand the motivation for posting it and you remember.

mrspaddy Fri 05-Jul-13 19:19:04

I don't think YABU. Facebook is very, very public. However, it is her choice to make. God help the woman .. she must be suffering so much. I can't imagine wanting to put the photo up on such a site but if it is a comfort to her, it is respectful to try and understand her need to do it.

ivykaty44 Fri 05-Jul-13 19:22:00

Op you need to put your own feelings aside as a child that has passed away is distressing and far more than just distressing, so your distress is nothing like her distress.

I have been into homes where there have been photographs on the wall of babies that are dead, this must be a comfort to the parents and it is not my place to tell them how to behave in their own home as I am a visitor. What that photograph says to me or how it makes me feel is unimportant, it doesn't harm me in any way.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 19:24:27

Yes, YABU. Life is not

coppertop Fri 05-Jul-13 19:29:27

If posting that picture has given her even a single moment of comfort, then surely that alone makes it worthwhile?


quoteunquote Fri 05-Jul-13 19:41:50

Hardest job in the world being the parent of a dead child.

I found the image of a dead child really distressing

It is ,isn't it, live isn't all roses, sorry.

What you feel about it is only a gram to her ten tons, use that feeling and try to relate to her journey.

Either be a friend and find something positive to say, and help her celebrate his memory ,

Or de friend and hope to hell you never have to face anything tough.

Five years, so he would of started school this year, tough year then.

BeehavingBaby Fri 05-Jul-13 19:46:14

I have a FB acquaintance who does this very occasionally and I always find it lovely to see one if the very few pictures that she has of her baby, especially as she has many other children who fill her FB feed so vibrantly, it slightly offsets the overwhelming sense that one of the children is missing. I think YABsoU tbh.

janowicz Fri 05-Jul-13 20:00:28

Learn some empathy.

matchpoint Fri 05-Jul-13 20:01:24

YANBU, OP. Of course, as you are now finding out, is that there's no way to raise a complaint about this without looking heartless. You're definitely in a no-win situation here.

IMO, everyone, no matter what age, deserves dignity in death. I do not find it dignified to display images of a corpse in a FB profile picture. It is trivializing.

I have to wonder how people who are pregnant, or have also suffered loss feel when they are confronted with a photo like that.

BridgetBidet Fri 05-Jul-13 20:05:12

It would upset me but to be honest things do upset you in your life and it would just feel to me like I was having a little grieve for her baby which is probably what she wanted. She wanted people to remember her little baby and be sad that he wasn't in the world and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Wow. I'm sure she'd rather show current pictures of her child. These are the only pictures of him she can share, and why shouldn't she be proud of her child?
As a mother of a dead child, I think you are YABU. But the general consensus may be very different of course.

landofsoapandglory Fri 05-Jul-13 20:08:55


Imagine only having those pictures of your baby, their foot and hand prints, a lock of hair. You can't? Nor can I, and I am forever grateful for that!

Give the woman a break, she should be having a special day with her child, holding a birthday party, and doing presents, balloons and party bags, FGS!

numbum Fri 05-Jul-13 20:18:26

Yabu. If you dont like it then block her. Because I can tell you now that photo will be back next year and the year after and for many years to come.

mynameisslimshady Fri 05-Jul-13 20:24:05

Imagine for one moment if you were showing pictures of your child to your friends and they all recoiled in horror because they didn't like what they saw. Imagine ever time you mentioned your childs name for 5 long years all you have is people changing the subject or looking shifty and embarrassed because they don't know what to say.

Your 'image of a dead child' is her picture of her beloved son, those pictures are the only memories she has of him, and when she looks at them she doesn't see 'a dead child' she sees her precious baby, who is as beautiful to her as any child is to their parent.

Do you think that she should hide his pictures away like some dirty little secret so other people don't feel a slight discomfort at being faced with a tiny percentage of the pain she has been faced with for 5 years?

Instead of being concerned about yourself and being faced with a picture that you wouldn't have chosen to see try showing a little understanding, send her a message, leave a comment, call her, send a card anything rather than starting a very insensitive thread on a public forum about your feelings on her sons photo, think about her feelings about her sons anniversary.


phantomnamechanger Fri 05-Jul-13 20:27:22

It is almost 10 years since our DD was stillborn, but reading this thread has made me sob and want to go and look in our memories box - a few photos, hand and foot prints, the sympathy cards we received, some lovely poems about infant loss, and a single dried flower from her funeral posy.

If doing this helps her in anyway, despite knowing that some people will judge her and find it hard to approach the subject, then let her be and good luck to her.

The more we accept that these things happen, the more we talk about them, the better parents will cope. Gone, I hope, are the days when it was hushed up and never talked about.

For all those who have lost babies - hugs sad

Towanda Fri 05-Jul-13 20:32:13

I wish you didn't have to see it. I wish that mum was showing off pictures of her beloved son celebrating his birthday and not having to spend each day longing to do just that. Longing to hold him one more time, to smell him, to feel his weight in her arms. Not living each day with the pain of having a dead child instead of a living one.

Your discomfort at seeing a photo is fleeting, the pain for those of us living without one or more of our children is for life. Yabu.

BridgetBidet Fri 05-Jul-13 20:32:28

Think for a moment as well, you would know that child and you would probably have babysat and the child might have played with your children. So really it should be upsetting for you to see the picture, but not because it's a dead baby, but because it's a little friend you lost too.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 20:40:15

'I have to wonder how people who are pregnant, or have also suffered loss feel when they are confronted with a photo like that.'

I have suffered loss. I lost the worst way possible, a child.

And when I'm 'confronted' by a 'photo like that', I feel for that poster to the bottom of my heart because I know how she or he feels.

There's a whole world out there far more worth of 'raising a complaint' about.

And it doesn't just look heartless, it is.

Please, please de-friend or block this person. She deserves someone better.

Lilyloo Fri 05-Jul-13 20:48:02

I really cannot believe how insensitive this op is. AIBU Damn right you are. Hopefully you find more empathy for your friend face to face and accept that your feelings are but a drop in the ocean compared to the way she feels right now.

Brigit what you said was perfect, 'So really it should be upsetting for you to see the picture, but not because it's a dead baby, but because it's a little friend you lost too.'

Thank you. I wish more people would view it like you do. I'd love for people to remember my darling girl as a friend/niece they lost rather than just a 'dead baby'.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicholasTeakozy Fri 05-Jul-13 21:07:09

What expat said in her post of 20.40. YABU. This is providing comfort to someone who counts you as a friend. Your actions prove otherwise.

phantomnamechanger Fri 05-Jul-13 21:10:56

I agree cup

OP - remember too that everyone with a child the same age as her DS would be, posting their cute pics , anecdotes, stories is like a stab in the heart every time for this lady. And if she NAMED her DS, then that's another thing that is always going to be there as a painful reminder every time she sees or hears the name used in relation to someone else's child. I don't expect you think other people should stop posting in order to not upset the bereaved? it works both ways.

I have had to leave a child's party in tears when they were singing my dead DDs name, knowing I was never going to sing it to her! BUT I would not have prevented my DD going to her friends party because of her having the same name, or asked the party mum if they would mind not singing cos I would find it too upsetting.

I work in the photo lab of a supermarket, every so often someone comes in with a photo of a tiny newborn and asks me if I can enlarge or put it onto a cushion etc. As I'm helping them to scan the image they will tell me of their heartbreaking loss and I end up crying with them, wishing in some way I could take that complete strangers pain away and hoping that this photo/cushion whatever is going to bring them some comfort for the future.

I have some photographs of my own daughter when she was born that I find distressing (she had some forceps related birth injuries) and she was very much alive. I cannot begin to imagine what your friend has been through and I hope it's from that place that your own distress originates. sad

maddening Fri 05-Jul-13 21:23:36

the dead baby was your friends beautiful son who she loved from the minute she knew she was pregnant. Most of the time she can't talk about him and acknowledge his existence like other parents, but he was real and had a name and IS loved and she is his mum - and just for one day she can acknowledge openly that he was here and did exist and as a friend you can remember her son with her - he is her beautiful baby.

tinypumpkin Fri 05-Jul-13 21:34:04

As another who has lost a baby I am truly saddened to hear your thoughts about the photo of your friend's baby. I cannot convey what it is like to lose a baby, a much wanted child and family member. It is life long and too complex to try and put into words. The effect on the family is just huge. I say this as someone who was answering questions last night from DD2 about what would happen if DD3 died. DD2 is three and this is her reality as DD1 died. This is our life and the case for so many bereaved families.

I cannot get my head around the fact that the photo distressed you and that you cannot appreciate that your distress is so minimal compared to that of your friend. If you don't like it then hide the photo (fine), but to post in the way that you did suggests that you don't even see you friend's baby as a person. I find that deeply insensitive and completely lacking in empathy.

Today I was at DD2's preschool with twin girls either side, that was hard (DD1 and DD2 are twins). It kills me to see twin girls and for the staff to talk about the 'twins' and not mean my twins ( no one sees DD2 as a twin as her twin sister died). I have to suck it up every week.

For anyone who has a friend or family member who has lost a baby, this makes for some interesting reading in how to support them.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 21:56:19

And btw, your child doesn't stop being your child when he or she dies.

That child is her son, not was, is.

everlong Fri 05-Jul-13 21:59:48

Where's the OP??

Lovely of her to start a thread as sensitive as this, upsetting people that lost their children, then not even bother coming back.


NatashaBee Fri 05-Jul-13 22:13:32

YABU. It isn't 'a dead baby', it's your friend's son. He may not be with her any more but he's still her child and she can plaster him all over her Facebook page if she wants.

quoteunquote Fri 05-Jul-13 22:15:45

OP never came back then? hmm

Fakebook Fri 05-Jul-13 22:34:59

Our friends dd died a few hours after birth, a month after DS was born. I had picked out clothes for her as gifts and everything and was so happy for them as they'd suffered miscarriages like us too, but unfortunately her lungs weren't strong enough to cope outside the womb.

My friend still has her Dd's picture as her profile and her hand has a cover photo. That was her pfb. Ofcourse she is going to put her picture up, and why the hell shouldn't she?

You know, my brother said exactly the same thing as you when he saw the picture of the little baby (it popped up on his newsfeed when I commented), and I was so angry at him. That could've been my baby too and if it had been, I would've put pics up too.

Stop thinking about your own feelings and think of this mother that lost her child. You stupid pathetic person.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 22:40:14

Yeah, there have been quite a few threads like this recently. It's a head-scratcher.

quoteunquote Fri 05-Jul-13 22:51:30

I wonder what they get out of it,

Oh well, I suppose the old adage , reply as someone reading may be helped.

aldiwhore Fri 05-Jul-13 22:52:35

YANBU to not wish to see this. YABU if you expect people not to freely post what they want to on their FB page.

You can hide it. You cannot un-see it of course, but being a grown up you need to move on quickly from it and 'hide' it.

I think with things like this, you have to take a step back from yourself and think "Didn't need to see that" (and move on), it's upsetting, but FUCK, I wouldn't want to be in that position where my way of grieving is to want people to know what I lost, and my only picture of my beloved child was one that was of a child dead.

You cannot unsee many things in the course of a life, I cannot un-see my MIL in the chapel of rest with the totally wrong make up on and a wonky shoe, I cannot un-see the little boy who'd just been run over, I am very VERY grateful that I do not have to see my baby dead. BUT the picture is of a child, who is as loved as any living child, who's parent is grieving, who, if a FB poster feels they HAVE to post their pictures of their loved ones because that's what FB is all about.

It's distressing, upsetting and sometimes 'unpleasant' and YANBU to feel affected by it, however, your friends ANBU to post freely, to use FB as a tool for sharing, happiness or pain... I guess to 'deal' with it, you either delete anyone who may share something that might upset you or, you could learn to cry for them, give thanks it's not you, accept that in our social lives certain things crop up that may 'kill your mood' but that is life. FB isn't fiction, it's real life. It's also a private life shared. I think a lot of us need to develop strategies that enable us to 'cope' with this real sharing. We need to be gentle with it, we don't need to 'agree' with other's sharing decisions, but acknowledge that it's their right to do whatever they wish.

I cannot say YABU, even though I think y'know, you are... YABU to moan about it, but YANBU to feel how you feel about it, YABY to think people should consider your feelings amid such searing pain, YANBU for it to upset you.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 22:53:06

I think it's that, quote, to wind up and get people incensed and spitting fire.

travellingwilbury Fri 05-Jul-13 22:56:10

Ffs !

ssd Fri 05-Jul-13 23:00:53

op you wrote you cant get that little face out of your mind

how do you think your friend feels???

I hope she has other friends apart fom you

Paperlessy Fri 05-Jul-13 23:01:37

She doesn't want him to be forgotten by all but her.

travellingwilbury Sat 06-Jul-13 00:04:26

I do believe you are talking bollocks !

What a weird fucking thing to talk bollocks about .....

YANBU to be upset by the picture, some people are sensitive about things like that, it's fine.

YWBVU to say anything to her about it, or even to a mutual friend in case it got back to her.

You have to consider who is in greater distress. Not you.

fackinell Sat 06-Jul-13 00:58:30

Discomfort v heart wrenching grief, sorry OP but YABU. It's her choice and if it was me I would post a message of love to my friend, under the photo.

She wants her baby to to have the acknowledgment he deserves. I appreciate it's upsetting to see but it's a walk in the park compared to how she's feeling. sad

Idocrazythings Sat 06-Jul-13 01:41:58

As a midwife I am used to such pictures, and whilst they greatly sadden me they don't cause me distress. Your friend would have looked at it thousands of times and she would see the picture only as a picture of her beautiful lost baby. I can imagine for someone seeing a picture of a dead baby for the first time it is upsetting. She probably doesn't realise it is distressing/ triggering for others as she is caught up in her grief. Personally, I don't think it's appropriate for a profile picture and that someone close to her should have a gentle chat to her. I'm not saying she shouldn't hide her grief away or not talk about it, but unless she has only family and real life friends on Facebook (not work associates, old school friends and the post mans uncle) then it should only be on the wall not as a profile pic.

If I were able to get the picture of my stillborn daughter onto FB, then this would have been me 3 weeks ago.

I am the only one who remembers her - she would have been 22 years old this year, and there's not a day that passes that I wish I had her here with me, rather than just a polaroid picture locked away in a fireproof box. That's all I have of her - one picture, nothing else.

You are not being unreasonable to not want to see distressing pictures on your feed - but you would be very unreasonable to do anything other than click on the 'hide this post' button.

Please remember that this is her much loved child, who she'd give anything to have back in her arms, and don't say anything about it - you'll irredeemably hurt her.

missingmumxox Sat 06-Jul-13 02:31:03

When my mum died, I inherited a box of pictures of babies who had died, from the 70's and 80's she was a midwife and felt that parents needed something, all of the photo's have a letter attached or note written on the back of the photo saying thank you, from the parents.
I treasure these, she was a wonderful person, she first of all brought a camera and a 36 exposure film every time she said how she would have to explain the idea to the parents, as it was unheard of then, then explain they would have to wait for the photo, she didn't know how long as she couldn't afford to process the film every time .
She had the confused permission of her superiors not funding, she would then get 2 copies of the film and she said how she would be shaking picking up the film hoping the photos had come out, some where not very good as she didn't have a flash .
The 2 copies where both to the parents and the negative which she would also have to pay extra for so it could be reproduced was put in the notes. She used to take about 5 photos per baby.
For the record all the photos I have where sent back by the patents with messages in gratitude not that she kept them back

ThePurpleCarrot Sat 06-Jul-13 02:42:56

The Facebook age seems to mean that lots of people are happy sharing every aspect of their lives. Some of us prefer to keep some things private.

FirstStopCafe Sat 06-Jul-13 03:15:40


Every part of her aching heart will wish she was spending tonight wrapping his 5th birthday presents. Instead she has done one of the only things she can do to honour and preserve his memory - she has shared his picture with her friends.

This picture that so distresses you is probably one of her most treasured possessions. I admire her for sharing it and hope it is acknowledged by her friends who are privileged to see it.

Beaverfeaver Sat 06-Jul-13 03:33:56

I personally wouldn't do it.
Some people might feel differently, but to me its no different than having any picture up of a human when passed over.

They might look like they are just sleeping and peaceful, but they are not.
Same goes for baby picture in my opinion

Turquoisehat Sat 06-Jul-13 04:36:35

You cannot help how you feel. And you have given no indication that you would talk to your friend about her photo. I am going to suggest you hide this thread, if you haven't already done so.

I agree with what a pp posted earlier. Leave a supportive comment and let her know you are there if she wants to talk.

There are so many tragic stories here. I am so sorry for anyone who has posted saying they too have lost a child.

ThisWayForCrazy Sat 06-Jul-13 05:57:22

YABVU! I am sure the image of her dead child distresses her too! I'm sure she'd much rather a live child.

daisychain01 Sat 06-Jul-13 05:57:52

Such a heart-rending, but also inspirational thread here. I am in awe of those who have lost their baby and take steps to always keep hold of precious memories of holding that child. The pain of losing a loved one, especially a child, never diminishes, its just something you learn to cope with as best you can.

YANBU at all in feeling unsettled by the image on Facebook, OP, as has been said already, it just isnt the sort of image you expect to see on social media, so it is hard-hitting but your friend is doing something she needs to in order to signify the continued importance of their child who will always remain real.

{{Big hug everyone!}}

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