please give me your opinions about mother approaching dh on school run..

(242 Posts)
wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 16:25:36

would you have alarm bells rining if your partner/dh told you a women he often sees on school run (he shares it with me due to my job) & exchange smiles (as one does with many of the other mums to be friendly) has approached him asking him if he wants to be her 'cycling buddy' as she has seen him cycling. he said he was quite taken aback as he doesn't know her and has only smiled to before. possibly she thinks he is single etc or it could be literally just what she suggests although she could have approached anyone. tbh i wouldn't go upto someone else's partner at the school gate and ask them if they want to come with me to ie the gym or on a trip to do what i do for a living (if i had heard he was also into the same thing). opinions please... i am not very comfortable with it (or he) and i am not a posessive type, quite the opposite normally

SkinnybitchWannabe Wed 03-Jul-13 16:27:52

My OH is a cyclist. This wouldnt bother me at all.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:28:11

Well, it could just be what it says on the tin.

She really might just want a cycling partner, not know anyone else who cycles, and he is a friendly face?

What did he say?

I don't think I'd be too concerned. I might raise an eyebrow a little but I would consider approaching someone local or that I knew to see to be a running buddy if I saw them out running - it can be nice to have a partner for motivation/company.

Floralnomad Wed 03-Jul-13 16:29:14

It wouldn't bother me , she hasn't just asked him randomly ,she has seen him cycling .

gaggiagirl Wed 03-Jul-13 16:29:51

Why don't you cycle to school with the dcs? Lets see if she asks you to be her cycle buddy hmm

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Wed 03-Jul-13 16:29:56

It depends... if she had given him "come hither" eyes, sidled up to him and said "hey, wanna be my cycling buddy?" <wink wink>, then yes I think I'd be getting a bit territorial.

If, on the other hand, they had gotten chatting because they both cycled to school and during the conversation she suggested they cycle together, then no it wouldn't bother me well ok maybe a bit.

specialsubject Wed 03-Jul-13 16:30:12

no, no alarm bells. Easy solution though - he opens conversation about it and just drops in mentions that he is married, e.g. that he can only cycle on x days when his wife is doing the school run. That shows a) there is a wife and b) that he isn't trying to get away from her.

this should sort out whether it is an invitation to cycling or a relationship.

fairylightsinthespring Wed 03-Jul-13 16:30:57

So someone who sees your partner or a regular basis smiles at him and has asked him if he might like to do a shared hobby together? If this was another man would you think it was anything other than friendship being offered? Why automatically assume she is up to something? Does he have women friends and would you be happy if he did? Ultimately, it doesn't matter what HER motive is, provided you trust your husband and he is actually worthy of that trust. She could be a rampaging maneater but it doesn't matter in the slightest if your DP is a good, faithful bloke. If she makes an overt advance, he can tell her to back off and that's the end of it - a shame to jump to conclusions based on what's happened thus far.

learnasyougo Wed 03-Jul-13 16:32:05

how did he feel? did her asking make him uncomfortable? it sounds like it did, so i'd be inclined to say she's overstepped a line. maybe he could hint to her he isn't a single dad by saying he prefers to cycle with his wife or something.
She may genuinely be interested in a cycling buddy, but not out of the blue like that, and I'd not pick out a bloke I hardly know.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:32:21

I now have a mental image of an eye-lash-fluttering-winking vamp with a leopard skin coat and blood red talons thanks to Smite grin

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:33:19

Apologies to anyone with a leopard skin coat by the way. As long as its fake that is.

Monty27 Wed 03-Jul-13 16:33:41

Well, it would bother me as I certainly wouldn't approach a man in this way, just in case he misconstrued it.

OP we seem to differ from other posters.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 16:34:46

i don't cycle. alot of other mums do though which is why we both find it a bit odd. if it is just that i don't see that it matters either but she may have another agenda, who knows. dh said he would prefer her to be in a relationship then he wouldn't feel uncomfortable. he said she has made a point of hooting him and waving when she has been in the car and he has driven past. perhaps she does have designs on him, i don't know. she has never made any attempt to befriend me nor i her, she has a friendly face (not sure what that is supposed to mean), just feel a bit uncomfortable. everything is good in our house, just don't want anything to happen to upset the apple cart i guess, nor does he. i have a fair few male work colleague friends although they are all ugly :-D, dh said she is pretty (but not sexy)

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:36:20

Well, if she really does want a cycling partner it's fine.

If she doesn't and is up to something then presumably the OP trusts her DH to wriggle out of it if she starts phoning him and asking him to mend her puncture at midnight.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 03-Jul-13 16:36:21

No, no alarm bells. But i dont tend to be distrustful or suspicious of a conversation just because the two parties were of the opposite sex.

thebody Wed 03-Jul-13 16:36:54

It would bother me a lot.part of a cycling group fine, just the two of them not fine and it will be much cause if hilarity and gossip.

Well it would where I live anyway.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:37:55

Your apple cart can't be upset if your DH is a good man.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:38:02

Is he taking her up on the offer. It would bother me tbh.

Squitten Wed 03-Jul-13 16:38:52

So, has he said yes to her or not? If he's not comfortable with it, why doesn't he just say no! She can ask, he doesn't have to agree.

FWIW, my DH is a cyclist and I wouldn't mind if he did this. As far as I'm concerned, she can throw her lycra-clad self across his handlebar all she likes. If HE doesn't tell her to get knotted, he'll have to deal with me...

mameulah Wed 03-Jul-13 16:39:28

It is inviting the wolf into your home. Totally asking for trouble. I know or two marriages that were recently ruined because one couple started jogging together. Steer well clear. IMO.

Arabesque Wed 03-Jul-13 16:39:40

I think it's a bit weird to be honest. A cycling buddy? Why on earth would you approach a virtual stranger for that reason?

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:39:46

Bliley, my DH has partnered other women in his hobby and it never bothered me.

Or anyone else for that matter - no one else cares confused

trackies Wed 03-Jul-13 16:40:11

YANBU. They smile at each other on the school run and she's asking him to be her cycling buddy. It does sound a bit odd to me. Having said that I have a neighbour who is a SAHD so we do occasionally do coffee with our toddlers. But he's my neighbour and he know's DH and i know his DW. I wouldn't go up to a bloke on the school run and ask him to be my 'gym/running/cycling buddy' as i wouldn't want to annoy someone's other half.
What is she like with you OP ? does she know that you are his wife ? same class kids ? or another year and they hardly know each other ?

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:40:55

Marriages can only be ruined by people who must be crap spouses anyway.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 16:41:36

fwiw he is a good man, really good. he is also very naive or at least has been in the past. he has a look that some women are attracted to (he looks different to the other dads, long hair etc), i don't know, could be nothing at all but what i think odd is that he has never really spoken to her thus certainly no cycling chats and then, bam, she approaches him to go cycling. i am a bit pissed off that she has gone up to (more than likely) someone elses partner, and no, if it was a bloke approaching him i wouldn't give a shit.

Yonihadtoask Wed 03-Jul-13 16:41:55

The woman isn't Marina from Last of the Summer Wine is she?

grin

video

maja00 Wed 03-Jul-13 16:42:30

Does it really matter if she wants a cycling buddy or if she thinks he's single and is interested? He can just say no thanks, or mention his wife in passing.

Don't think it's a big deal really.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:42:48

Well, if he's uncomfortable he just needs to say no.

Squitten Wed 03-Jul-13 16:42:56

You haven't said what his answer to her was?

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:43:45

Yoni - that's what made me imagine the leopard skin coat etc. grin

Pennyacrossthehall Wed 03-Jul-13 16:44:27

fairylightsinthespring

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what HER motive is, provided you trust your husband and he is actually worthy of that trust. She could be a rampaging maneater but it doesn't matter in the slightest if your DP is a good, faithful bloke.

This is the key point, and it won't take him long to work out what her interest is.

thebody Wed 03-Jul-13 16:45:04

Marina[[ .&#128516;&#128516;]]

thebody Wed 03-Jul-13 16:45:33

Oh fuck... 😃😃

Burmillababe Wed 03-Jul-13 16:46:06

She probably thought he was single. And so long as you trust him, be flattered that someone else finds him attractive! And I agree with other posters, nobody can 'steal' someone. The fact that he told you about it would suggest that there is nothing untoward in his mind

tethersend Wed 03-Jul-13 16:46:15

It's absolutely fine.

Just make sure your DH turns up on a tandem with a home made model of you on the back.

Hey presto! Problem solved.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 16:47:05

he said he was taken aback but said ok although still no numbers exchanged. really weird for me to feel so 'girly and insecure' all of a sudden, like someone is an intruder/knocking at the door ie an uninvited guest as i am so just not like this. dh is a musician, successful one too and been around the world with girly hang ons and i have never even thought about it, i can't believe i am stressing about his :-D i guess it is because it is on my door step and i see her regularly. why has she gone out of her way to befriend him, he said she said (quote) i have been meaning to ask you if you want to be a cycle buddy (even though he has never spoken to her before). its just not the done thing to go upto somone else's partner and ask them if they want to share something with you (if you don't know each other), i don't think so anyway.

trackies Wed 03-Jul-13 16:48:44

that he has never really spoken to her OP, knowing that i do think she's trying her luck and the cycling thing is just an excuse to see if he's up for something. She might not realise he's married, or may not care.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 16:49:15

Well, he just needs to cycle off very fast so she can't keep up. Easy.

BegoniaBampot Wed 03-Jul-13 16:51:06

Tbh, I probably wouldn't really like this. Is she attractive?

trackies Wed 03-Jul-13 16:53:13

ok so he needs to prepare himself for her giving his number with an brush off so he's not caught off guard again like actually i prefer to cycle alone but thanks alot for the offer or thanks for your number. I can't remember mine, so i'll call you and then don't call. Nightmare !

FriendlyLadybird Wed 03-Jul-13 16:53:13

What does being a cycling buddy entail, exactly? My DH, known to be a musician, is always being approached by people -- men and women -- and being asked for advice or lessons, or invited to play/sing with them. There have been occasions on which the other party has wanted something a bit more from him, but that doesn't make the other requests odd, iyswim.

FriendlyLadybird Wed 03-Jul-13 17:04:24

X-posted. Funny that your DH is a musician too. He probably gives 'groupies' the brush-off very easily, but wasn't expecting to meet one at the school gate, especially who talked to him about cycling!

FoundAChopinLizt Wed 03-Jul-13 17:09:05

I would love to say i would be fine with this, but I wouldn't.

Dh would also not appreciate me approaching another man in that way.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 17:14:44

i spoke to a friend who knows this women and said she (my friend) would NOT be at all happy if she was me, she said she is angry on my behalf. btw she is pretty so doesn't help. i am upset that this has come from nowhere and that i feel i am thrust into a tricky situation which smells dangerous to me. i wouldn't put dh in this situation ie approach a good looking man that i didn't know and ask him if he wanted to come to the gym with me as i had seen him around in gym clothes confused

CloudsAndTrees Wed 03-Jul-13 17:15:29

I wouldn't like it. Unless she knows your DH just happens to be some kind of cycling trainer then she's asking him because she fancies him. Presumably she knows he is married, so she has crossed a line.

You just don't ask other people's husbands or wives to be your 'cycling buddy'. If you want cycling buddies for the sake of having someone to cycle with, you join a cycling club!

ENormaSnob Wed 03-Jul-13 17:28:20

Its weird and i think your instincts are right.

I need a walking buddy but wouldnt even ask any random mums at school let alone the dads.

thebody Wed 03-Jul-13 17:32:52

Just tell him he isn't going and any more nonsense slash his tyres.

Go to the school gate and introduce yourself as another cycling buddy and would she care to join the 3 of you.

Actually that sounds like a threesome!!!

digerd Wed 03-Jul-13 17:34:03

Sounds very iffy to me too. Your DH was just being , naively, polite to a lady when he unthinkingly said OK and now regrets it. It is not like a bridge partner. Although my SIL was insecure with DB's female married bridge partner.

DorasMummy Wed 03-Jul-13 17:34:30

YANBU, this does sound a bit weird.

Has she ever seen you together and is actually aware he has a partner? Could she think he is single if you are there on different days?

The thing that is weird for me is that it's kind of outside social norms to suddenly propose something like this to someone you don't know, apropos of nothing. My DH is quite reserved and would be uncomfortable with some random school gate mum wanting to pal up with him on his cycles and having to make polite chit-chat when he'd rather just do his own thing.

It's not just because it's a man/woman situation that I think it's a bit odd, I try to get to know another mum a bit before I suggest an out of hours activity (to make sure we get on and she's actually up for being friends!).

I'd not worry about your DH as he's clearly not interested in her. If she does happen to have some kind of designs on him, she really only stands to embarrass herself and cause some playground gossip...

What did he say? Did he feel he had to say OK as he was on the spot?

Samu2 Wed 03-Jul-13 17:36:38

I think it's weird to ask someone you have only ever smiled at to be a cycling buddy too.

TidyDancer Wed 03-Jul-13 17:39:12

Well....she hasn't asked "someone else's partner" she has asked a fellow cyclist and parent.

If DH is at all uncomfortable with this, then I think he should say no, but I don't think you can reasonably say she shouldn't have asked based on the info you have given.

Yonihadtoask Wed 03-Jul-13 17:40:35

I feel bad for my flippant reply earlier.

No, I would not be happy about it if it were me. Yes, men can have women friends and vice versa - but it still doesn't sit right that she would approach him.

She definitely knows that he is 'taken' - has she seen you together?

Eyesunderarock Wed 03-Jul-13 17:41:57

Then he should say no, unless he's very keen on the idea and would love a cycling partner.
Why is that a problem? If she fancies him, all he has to do is smile and refuse all and every offer she makes.

fanjobiscuits Wed 03-Jul-13 17:42:15

It would bother me!

IndridCold Wed 03-Jul-13 17:42:17

Get your DH to give her details of a really intensive Tour de France type training programme with heart rate and power output targets and incredibly strict diet regime. Unless she is Laura Trott that should see her off.

digerd Wed 03-Jul-13 17:42:52

DH and I sometimes went cycling in a threesome - the other person was his best friend who was a confirmed bachelor. They had to slow down for me as I couldn't cycle as fast as them and we had to keep stopping when I needed a rest hmm

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 17:43:41

Does she know he is married OP?

Mind you, maybe she really does just want to chum along with someone on a cycle run!

Like I said, good people can't be "trapped" into anything unless they want to be!

CrapBag Wed 03-Jul-13 17:43:46

If the other mums cycle as well then yes I would find it odd that she approached an attractive man who she has never spoken to, to ask if he wants to be her cycle buddy. Plus the beeping and waving? Who does that unless its someone the know well.

Add that with the fact that your DH is already uncomfortable, nope, I don't think I would like it either.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 17:45:00

And Indrid has a good idea grin

Laura Trott! grin

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 17:46:36

I only wouldn't like it if I didn't trust my husband.

So if this was my DH we'd have a laugh about it then move on.

Eyesunderarock Wed 03-Jul-13 17:47:33

How about :
"I'm a happily married man and your over-familiar behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. Please stop"

if 'no thank you' isn't clear enough.

FauxFox Wed 03-Jul-13 17:49:39

This happened to me once, a school run dad said he had seen me running and asked if he could join me, I'm sure he wasn't hitting on me or anything but it didn't feel quite right so I just advised him on a good beginners running route for him to go and try and left it at that. We didn't have many conversations after that, I think he was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing...

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 17:51:36

i'm trying to think of an analogy. i have a dog who sometimes comes on school run. if a totally random dad came up one day and said he was looking for a dogwalking buddy, i would 100% assume it was a come-on. a bit different if i knew him & his wife and our kids were in same class, although i still wouldn't do it as that is the way that misunderstandings happen.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 17:58:17

he said he was taken aback and felt awkward but what could he say? he can't say 'no i am married' as it is ridiculous :-D especially if she does just want to have someone to cycle with having noticed him in the day go off cycling. he said he would go one to see what it felt like ie he said if she is clearly a cycling enthusiast and clearly just wanted someone to ride with fair enough, he said if he got vibes of anything else he would say he wasn't comfortable etc as he was happily married, or something of the sort. i still can't shake the pissed off feeling, pissed off with her for being so forward towards someone else's partner, i wouldn't do it, not a chance. she has already called him :-D and left a message. fwiw we are rarely together, we share the school run BUT she has been there for the duration from reception to the year they are currently in (many years now), she MUST have noticed us together

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 17:58:52

Ah well, we are all different.

My DH is a good man.

He would no more be led astray by some other woman (even if he did go cycling with her) than fly to the moon. So if he agreed to something like that in an embarrassed way I wouldn't have any problem.

Other than wondering what small minded gossips might make of it that is. And small minded gossips don't really bother me.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 18:00:43

X-post - I was replying to mrsravelstein

Sounds like your DH has sorted what to do then OP.

IndridCold Wed 03-Jul-13 18:03:12

Being serious, I wouldn't ask someone to be a cycling buddy, male or female, without knowing how good they were. I.E. how far is a typical ride, how many times a week, type of terrain, hills etc.

If she didn't lead up to asking him to be a buddy without first having a conversation like that then I would be suspicious of her motives.

Your DH obviously feels uncomfortable, instincts are usually to be trusted in things like this.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 03-Jul-13 18:08:06

I wouldn't like it.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 18:08:23

it doesn't help that she is younger than me and pretty. i am ashamed to admit that i am insecure lately due to age (late 40's), timing isn't good re hormones/peri meno'. i have always felt so loved and have always felt very lucky with my relationship/marriate BUT i never take it forgranted, this isn't good timing really tbh. i have always trusted dh, never really thought about it much tbh, we both laugh as get the odd person flirting with us to do with our jobs but this just seems different. not looking forward to seeing her (which i often do) as i think she has been forward. noone likes the feeling that someone younger than them and pretty may possibly be trying to move in on their space. i trust dh but i don't trust all females. always the fear that your partner could fall inlove with someone else, some females disguise their motives and know what strings to pull, i have heard of marriages that were really good falling apart because of an office flirt encouraging their partner to fall inlove with them. not happy

CalamityKate Wed 03-Jul-13 18:08:49

Nope. Would be suspicious of her motives and even if they're innocent I don't see the point of putting opportunity in people's way.

It's all very well being all cool and "I wouldn't mind at all! Why should I? We have a good marriage/trust each other" etc but I think that's a very naive way to think. Not that it's not true - just that the divorce courts are full of people who trusted their spouse implicitly, and equally of spouses who genuinely didn't go looking for an affair.

frutilla Wed 03-Jul-13 18:09:11

I guess I'm the jealous type, it sounds predatory to me. I wouldn't be happy at all and if my DH accepted, I would kick up a real fuss and put an end to it!

catgirl1976 Wed 03-Jul-13 18:10:50

Wouldn't bother me

Unless it was a) Kelly Brook or b) DH had a habit of shagging his cycling buddies

Dackyduddles Wed 03-Jul-13 18:10:55

Did he think he was being chatted up?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Wed 03-Jul-13 18:11:02

A woman approached my ex about being her running buddy. She fancied the pants off him.

I bet my bottom dollar this woman fancies your DH.

raffle Wed 03-Jul-13 18:15:19

What is the job description of a 'cycling buddy', I haven't rode a bike for 20 odd years, but I can't imagine cycling to be a sociable activity. Do you chat as you cycle along?

youarewinning Wed 03-Jul-13 18:17:53

I like the suggestion above about you approaching her to do the number exchange.

A friendly - I understand you'd like to join DH and I cycling. What's your number - ill text to arrange it.

You'll soon know if its a cycling buddy she wants I'd your DH and his number! &#128515;

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 18:19:37

"the divorce courts are full of people who trusted their spouse implicitly, and equally of spouses who genuinely didn't go looking for an affair."

totally agree

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 18:20:10

Calamity - I do trust my DH. Completely and utterly. And I think the OP trusts her DH too.

Marriages can only be broken if a spouse is not a good person or is untrustworthy.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 03-Jul-13 18:20:57

It wouldn't bother me, but then again my DH would have given her a polite brush off.

But as your DH has been 'naive' in the past (really? a musician that has been on tour and dealt with groupies, naive?), and he has already given her his number, then I'd be none too pleased.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 18:21:09

No, the divorce courts are full of people who cheated because they weren't good people and weren't trustworthy to begin with.

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 18:21:11

i would be really bloody amazed if my DH was "led astray by some other woman", salmotrutta, but then again, this forum is full of women who have been amazed to find out about their husbands affairs.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 18:24:05

But their husbands were lying, cheating bastards. mrsravelstein

DH and I have been married for over 30 years and I know him very well. He is a good and honourable man.

I sussed that out about him before we even got engaged - I knew I had a keeper.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 18:25:32

And actually I shouldn't have used "led astray" -that implies no choice.

He would no more have an affair than fly to the moon would have been better.

thebody Wed 03-Jul-13 18:27:42

Most people I know who discover an affair have also had fantastic trustworthy partners too!!

By all means trust but done be blind.

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 18:36:12

yeh, see, in my experience, men don't actually walk around wearing signs saying "i am a lying cheating bastard". and i know several good and honourable men who have cheated on their very nice wives for years.

thebody Wed 03-Jul-13 18:37:08

Indeed agree ^^

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 18:37:11

the thing with dh when i say naive is that is isn't at all vein, he is the most unvein person, one of the things i have always loved about him. he doesn't recognise when a female is flirting as he just doesn't think he is attactive, bless (he is), this is why i say he is naive in that he thinks she isn't flirting and just wants a cycling buddy but the more i think about it the more ridiculous it seems. there are loads of other fathers at the school gate (and women) who cycle around. my friend thinks she may know who he is (i don't) but she thinks this (he plays with a successful band) and may find that attractive although he is good looking in an odd way. i feel really rocked by this. to see her on the school run knowing she has called my husband and wants to go off out with him but i don't know her from adam, really not happy but don't want to be the one to say i don't want you to go. so ANGRY to be in this position from nowhere. i don't think dh should have given her his number tbh although i understand it may have been tricky, i get asked my number sometimes by people re work and dobn't really want to give it out

aldiwhore Wed 03-Jul-13 18:41:14

On the days I've felt brave enough to ask someone about something they do that I'm interested in I ALWAYS come across as an absolute buffoon. A little too direct.

I would let this go, it may be exactly what she says.

whateverwhoever Wed 03-Jul-13 18:42:14

I would be amazed if a mum would plan to strike up an affair with someone whose child is in the same class as hers, unless she wanted to cause unending trouble for herself and her dc. She's probably been on here saying she's shy and needs a cycling buddy and been told to ask him!

ARealDame Wed 03-Jul-13 18:44:35

Sounds weird to me.

I think it would be different if she knew him better (so perhaps knew if he was single or was a cycling enthusiast), or knew you both.

If your DH was taken back, then I assume that's the end of the matter, so not clear exactly why you're posting ... But I'd say your instincts were right.

everlong Wed 03-Jul-13 18:48:49

I think it's a bit odd.

They've never really spoke before but she's asked him to be her cycle buddy, beeps at him and waves to him?

Why not ask one of the other women who cycle?

thebody Wed 03-Jul-13 18:52:16

Whatever,

in my neck of the woods the vicar and the church counsellor were at it for years with 6 kids between them.

Disastrous fall out of course but people do it every day of the week.

Op just tell him he can't go and end of.

everlong Wed 03-Jul-13 18:54:02

DH cycles in a big gang. Some of them women. No problem at all.

But your scenario would ring some alarm bells.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 03-Jul-13 18:56:05

I don't know what the woman's motives are, but I do think the OP's DH has been a bit more friendly and chatty with this woman than he's making out.

I mean, he's given the woman his phone number. Who actually gives out their number to a random woman in the playground that they've only ever exchanged smiles with?

monicalewinski Wed 03-Jul-13 18:58:07

I think its odd. I wouldn't be happy if it was my DH, and similarly I would think it odd if a virtual stranger bloke approached me to be a "cycling buddy". I don't control my husband at all, but I would definitely ask him to keep his distance from this if it were happening to us.

everlong Wed 03-Jul-13 19:00:29

He needs to back off pronto.

Either ignore her or tell her he's not up for it.

I think she has the hots for him sadly.

My dh runs with random women at running club twice a week.

Can't even imagine thinking anything untoward.

You either think your partners going to fuck someone else, or you don't.

I can understand your discomfort and if it did make your OH feel uncomfortable, his instinct is probably right. On my initial read of your post, it could have been totally innocent but if there are lots of other cyclists and she singled him out while barely knowing him, it is a bit odd.

With regards to you seeing her - could you mention the whole thing to get it out in the open? Maybe even "oh, husband hasn't been able to call you back - to be honest, his cycling is his time on his own, I think"

(provided husband is happy for you to say something like that)

everlong Wed 03-Jul-13 19:06:34

Totally different laurie.

This is a woman who is a stranger and has approached the OP's DH, they are not part of an established group.

Not nice to be smug.

So, from information already posted we have a woman relatively unknown to both OP and OP's DH, who is now beeping and waving at the the OP's DH, while seemingly isn't bothering with OP herself. Who then rocks up to OP's DH and out of the blue asks him to be her cycling buddy when many other parents at the school also cycle.

Parents that she might actually know better?

Sounds a little weird to me.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 19:10:10

YABU. The issue is not this woman nor your husband - its your self esteem and lack of trust.

I wouldn't care if someone (male or female) wanted to go running/cycling/whatever with my partner because I trust him implicitly. And if anyone ever does make a move on him - and its happened in the past - then he just says "Sorry I'm taken" and leaves it at that.

Viviennemary Wed 03-Jul-13 19:12:10

I wouldn't approve of this. Cycling partner today OW tomorrow. She sounds one to be wary of.

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 19:14:16

"You either think your partners going to fuck someone else, or you don't."

i just don't understand this. i don't THINK my dh would fuck someone else, but what i THINK he might do doesn't in any way impact on what he MIGHT do.

similarly, "trust" is a much bandied about word that means fuck all. i could 'trust' my dh not to have an affair, but that in itself won't stop him doing so. don't get me wrong, i don't spend hours worrying about whether he will or won't, but if some other woman was apparently trying to get off with him, i wouldn't be happily waving them off on cycling or running jaunts.

most women whose DH has an affair seem to be really quite surprised by it and say they never thought he'd do it, they trusted him etc etc

merrymouse Wed 03-Jul-13 19:14:59

I also want to know what a cycling buddy is. I have been watching the Tour de France - is one of them going to be a domestique?

Wouldn't same sex 'cycling buddies' be a better physical match?

monicalewinski Wed 03-Jul-13 19:18:04

I don't think that the OP's lack of self esteem or trust is in question tbh, it is the fact that a random virtual unknown woman on the school run has approached a bloke to accompany her on bike rides - I know precisely zero women who would do this unless they had a fancy for the guy.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 19:19:26

with the excpetion of a few posters most admit they too would be unerved by this. if i can suddenly feel insecure anyone can as i normally am a self confident person who never gave thought to how secure she was in her relationship as it has always been near bloody perfect BUT you can't take anything forgranted. i do trust dh and know he really loves me but i have never really trusted females, always been more of a tomboy. had too many bad experiences involving them when younger and certainly don't trust this one even though she seems nice enough although never spoken to her. if someone handsome made a play for me and i innocently went with him to something i do regularly yes, i could fall inlove with him, which is why i don't like the idea of him hanging out with a younger pretty female who i think has been forward. i wouldn't care if dh was cycling with a female he already knew and ideally was in a relationship. dh has had many close female friendships over the years but he knew them and i did too. we are very independant people, he goes out and i don't go with and vice versa, i am not a clingy type but this has rocked me big time. how should i feel when i see her tomorrow when i do the school run and yes, it has been said to me by my friend that tongues could wag if they are seen off out cycling. i don't put much importance of what the mothers at the gate think but noone would want people thinking things behind their backs, that is the least of it

Bonsoir Wed 03-Jul-13 19:20:27

I wouldn't like this - and nor would my DP! Just say no!

Viviennemary Wed 03-Jul-13 19:21:03

Wonder why she didn't approach one of the other Mothers. That wouldn't be on her agenda I don't suppose. Most people who are deceived are quite shocked and thought there partner would be the very last person to do such a think. Take nothing for granted. That's my philosophy.

monicalewinski Wed 03-Jul-13 19:22:00

And completely agree with mrsravelstein and others re trust and affairs. It's not just untrustworthy liars that have affairs, many many trusting women (and men) have been genuinely shocked when its happened to them. There but for the grace of god etc go all of us.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 19:22:24

She's already admitted she wouldn't care if it was a man and made multiple references to how pretty this woman is, as well as admitting she herself feels insecure. So, would is matter if she was ugly? Do people never cheat with ugly people?

You either trust your partner or you don't. And if they're a cheating shitbag they're going to do it anyway.

Given the husband himself is uncomfortable with it all he needs to do is say no.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 19:24:21

fwiw i would still feel awkward if she was ugly smile

everlong Wed 03-Jul-13 19:24:25

Personally I think when you're in a relationship you have to take certain precautions, act in a certain manner.

There's nothing wrong with being friendly with members of the opposite sex but you have to be wary of putting yourself in a vulnerable situation. So things don't backfire or are taken out of context.

Not everybody is honourable.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 19:25:57

Why does this 'being in a relationship' thing matter? Your husband is in a relationship and you think he could trot off with another woman if only he spent enough time with her (as apparently would you confused) The bottom of this is you clearly don't trust either of you with other people of the opposite sex. Very sad.

monicalewinski Wed 03-Jul-13 19:27:24

Quite a few people downscale in affairs StuntGirl, so looks are not an issue - it's the approaching someone you don't know and have never spoken to to ask them to join you in an 'activity' which is odd.

Bloody hell I'm not 'smug' in any way shock

My ex husband had an affair and fucked off.

And I still stand by what I say - he will either do it or he won't, it doesn't impact how I am.

Current husband knows I would leave if he shagged someone else. It's that simple - he either chooses to not have affairs and stay with me, or he fucks off.

lljkk Wed 03-Jul-13 19:28:06

If a woman approached DH to be her cycling partner I'd be dead jealous... dead jealous that she's capable of keeping up with him, that is.

Good luck to her, really.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 19:28:47

No idea about this specific situation.
You feel uncomfortable though so I'd run with that and keep an eye out wink

And three points:
1. Apparently "trustworthy" people can cheat. As others have said.
2. Ppl looking for a fling usually look close to home.

3. Could be she just wants a cycling buddy.
Who knows?

everlong Wed 03-Jul-13 19:32:31

Stunt - the OP doesn't think her DH would trot off with this woman, she's said she trusts him and that he's a good man.

It's the other woman that's giving her cause for worry. Can you not see that?

Have you ever seen a woman out to get a married man? I have.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 19:35:22

But surely a man can't be "got" if he isn't interested everlong?

everlong Wed 03-Jul-13 19:38:28

No salmo I said out to get. She may not succeed, but the endeavour is there.

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 19:43:47

a man can only be "got" if he's interested, sure. but the fact that a woman doesn't THINK her man is interested, doesn't mean he's not. you cannot possibly know, for certain, that your partner is not interested. i personally wouldn't cheat on my DH because i strongly suspect that if he found out it would be the end of our relationship. i hope he feels the same. but i certainly don't presume to know whether he is 'get-able' or not.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 19:45:42

Fair enough everlong.

OP - I actually liked Indrid's idea. Your DH should go once with her and show her a clean pair of heels by cycling very, very fast. Uphill.

That'll learn her!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 03-Jul-13 19:47:01

I could pretend to be all groovy and think this was fine

Actually I'd assume she fancies him.

And knowing that, if I were him, I wouldn't want to encourage it

Happymum22 Wed 03-Jul-13 19:49:04

My DH's affair began with a 'gym buddy' who he met at my DC's tennis lesson..... but that probably makes me no the best person to answer this.
The fact he has told you means there is nothing to worry about. BUT in answer to your question, yes it is weird that she thinks it is ok to ask him that.
I'd ask your DH if he feels uncomfortable with it to make an excuse to get out of it.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 19:50:22

Ugh I just wrote a huge reply and MN ate it sad

Ok I'm going to just rewrite my last paragraph - OP, despite an amazing marriage to an attractive, successful man you love with whom you have no trust issues you are feeling wildly insecure. Why are you feeling so insecure? Is there something which has triggered it? Is there something you can focus on to make yourself feel better?

merrymouse Wed 03-Jul-13 19:50:30

Surely, in this day and age, with people doing triathlons right left and centre, if you are short of other people to cycle with you join a club or hang out at a bike shop.

I would think it was a bit creepy if a man came up to me and asked me to be his 'cycling buddy' and to be honest, I'd think it was a bit strange if another mum asked me to be her 'cycling buddy' if we'd never previously struck up a conversation and she had just seen me on my bike. I wouldn't necessarily think there was a sexual motive, but I would be thinking that I'd like to get to know them a bit before committing to 'buddyness'.

Salmotrutta Wed 03-Jul-13 19:54:03

Well, tbh mrsravelstein I do know my DH isn't interested in other women.

He is not, and never has been, flirty or a "player".

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Jul-13 19:54:20

I haven't read all the posts, sorry! If you are both uncomfortable then it's probably best if he declines. It is quite possible that she is just being friendly and wants to do some cycling but if you both feel a bit weird about it then say no.

Fwiw I started chatting to lovely friendly man in our local shop. He is very open and out going like me. One day I stopped to chat to him and asked him how he was going to spend the bank holiday to which he replied "Oh, I'm going to be chilling out with my WIFE" really obviously! He didn't speak to me for ages after that.....untill he saw me with my own wife and realised I was in fact a friendly lesbian, not interested in him in that way at all! He talks to me again now!

Sorry....I digressed!

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 03-Jul-13 19:56:14

Does he wear a wedding ring?

LaRegina Wed 03-Jul-13 19:56:46

if someone handsome made a play for me and i innocently went with him to something i do regularly yes, i could fall inlove with him

OP that's just not how it is IMO. If you love (and are committed to) the person you're with then you're not just going to randomly fall in love with someone else because they happen to be there, handsome or not. And neither will your H if he's happy with and committed to you, whether she is pretty or not.

But having said that, her motives sound a bit suspect to me, so I would want my H (in that situation) to send her on her bike, so to speak, just because I wouldn't believe her motives were genuine.

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 19:58:42

because only "flirty" men have affairs?? ha! so it's just them and the ones that have the 'cheating bastard' t shirt we need to avoid. easy!

Harryhairypig Wed 03-Jul-13 20:02:14

No I wouldn't like it, I'd feel like you do, and for the reasons mrs ravelstein said. Sometimes you have to protect your faithfulness by not putting yourself in he sort of positions that can lead to affairs, shared hobbies and interests that exclude the wife being one of them. It's not on that she asked him, the fact she did means he should definitely steer clear of her.

FelineFurry Wed 03-Jul-13 20:02:17

My partner has a female cycling buddy. She's married. They met at the gym, they got chatting and he offered to assist her training for her first triathlon.

Hasn't bothered me in the slightest as I trust DP. As it turned out, by chance, she works for the same company as me and she was able to help me out with some work related issues. I've never met her though. Just e-mailed her.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 20:02:59

he does wear a wedding ring. to the poster who suggested i am smug, this i am not but i am (apart from this afternoon) happy. no big deal but i guess listing the fact that we have a happy marriage might seem smug but it isn't, quite normal to be in a happy relationship. he ain't no model but (i think) good looking, again, so what. we aren't rich, house pretty average etc etc, it's not smug to mention the positives in your life when discussing the fact that you are stresssed about some shit that is going on around you in the last few hours, apologies if i come over as smug as i'm not. just being happy thinking things are pretty good (nothing special about us, pretty average really, just because he plays in a band who are reasonably successful, that wasn't a name drop, i mentioned it because alot of people don't find it easy being in a relationship with a musician, i never found it a problem, that is why i mentioned it). but we are pretty average folks, at least we were until this afternoon, now i am standing back looking at it

MoominMammasHandbag Wed 03-Jul-13 20:05:12

My DP is very attractive, sporty, cycles and runs and is on chatting terms with a few women on the school run who have never even spoken to me. We have been together over 20 years and he has never given me any cause to doubt him.
Would I be happy if this situation happened to me? No I bloody wouldn't OP; I would tell him I wasn't happy about it (and then he wouldn't do it) and I would be tempted to have a quiet word with her as well; she is being quite disrespectful to you I think.
The world is full of decent men who have had their heads turned by a pretty face and to think otherwise is naive.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 20:06:48

I don't buy into the idea that only flirty people or those looking to stray cheat.
It jut isn't true.
Also, it is perfectly possible for a man(or woman for the sake of equity) to love their spouse and fuck someone else, even of that's not what he set out to do.
Men (in particular) can most definitely be "led astray". (IMHO)
Doesn't mean they will but opportunity has a lot to do with it.

And I do trust my DH. But I am neither stupid (well, not about this) nor complacent.

Still. She still just might want a cycle buddy.
What is a cycle buddy?

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Wed 03-Jul-13 20:09:14

Just go together to the school, bump into her accidentally on purpose and you say
" I hear you are interested in cycling, is that right?" Then stare a little

She will run

Cheeky so and so

CrapBag Wed 03-Jul-13 20:11:51

If he felt uncomfortable then why on earth did he give her his number?!

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Wed 03-Jul-13 20:12:01

Disclaimer
You have to be preferably quite old and stern to carry this off really well

grin

monicalewinski Wed 03-Jul-13 20:25:30

Itaintme
"She will run"
Sounds so sinister!!

bettykt Wed 03-Jul-13 20:34:16

Does he actually want to go cycling with her? If not then he must tell her otherwise she'll be texting like anything and he'll be frantically trying to fob her off. He mustn't go just because she's asked him and he's doesn't want to hurt her feelings as he'll end up hurting your feelings instead. Better to piss her off than you I say. I wouldn't be happy about this in all honesty.

Cyclebump Wed 03-Jul-13 20:36:44

To me it sounds innocent, I'm a bit shocked by some of the responses.

I used to work with a guy who regularly cycled to work. I knew he lived near me so I asked his advice a lot when I got a bike and, when we ran into each other on the route home, we often cycled together. He showed me new routes and it pushed me to do longer and faster routes. We even, shock horror, arranged to meet and cycle in together a couple of times.

He's happily married, so am I. I knitted booties for his first baby. We haven't worked together in years but still see each other at cycle events. His wife knows me as the woman he converted to cycling and, as far as I know, has no problem with it. My DH has never met the guy and couldn't care less.

When you start cycling it is genuinely useful to go on routes with someone who can repair punctures, knows good routes etc. If you're experienced, a cycle buddy can push you to cycle harder and on longer routes.

It could be nothing. If he was going to cheat he never would gave mentioned it to you surely?

Cyclebump Wed 03-Jul-13 20:39:43

Oh and, generally, cycling is male dominated. If she's looking for a serious cycling buddy to train with it could be she doesn't kniw any women at her level.

At my peak (before DS), I cycled 100 miles a week. I mainly cycled with men as there just weren't any other women I knew doing those distances.

SisterMonicaJoan Wed 03-Jul-13 20:45:51

Does this woman "know" who your husband is?

Just wondering if she saw him cycling and thought of that as an "in"?

I wouldn't be comfortable with it tbh. Does he cycle recreationally? Or just as a means to get from A to B?

Lovelygoldboots Wed 03-Jul-13 21:01:14

Although I understand what op is saying I think cyclebump has a point. I have just started doing 30-40 miles at weekend and it is very male dominated. I don't know any women who would do that distance. If I try and fit a run in during week its about 10 miles and that's the limit for most of the women I know. So she really could just want someone to train with.

merrymouse Wed 03-Jul-13 21:14:36

I think the key thing there cycle bump is that you used to work with your cycling friend so he wasn't a complete stranger.

I think in this case it would be more normal to warm up a bit by chatting about bikes and cycle routes or even just suggesting one bike ride.

I'd be a bit nervous of becoming anybody's anything 'buddy' without chatting a bit first. 'Buddy' implies a bit of commitment. Establishing a bit of a relationship beforehand wouldn't make this woman seem more of less suspicious, but I think it would be a bit less weird.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 21:18:47

cyclebump has some good points. as far as dh is concerned he thinks he can be good to cycle with someone for the reasons listed. he loves cycling and goes on long long distances a few times a week. i know it could be completely innocent, it just doesn't sit well, he appearing to have made a point of trying to get to know him (hooting horn, etc) and then coming up with the cycling idea. i just wouldn't approach someone else's partner when i didn't know them from adam with a view to doing something with them. call me sensitive but it would occurr to me that it might not make their partner never happy. fwiw dh said he wished she had never approached him, he never wanted her to. he felt really awkward and didn't really know what to do so he gave her his number which still pisses me off. he said that he wouldn't cycle on his own with her and that it was his intention to take his other cycle friend with but to me this isn't the point. it is him possibly building a friendship with someone that i see daily on the school run and don't know, would feel really odd and i am pissed off with her for being so forward approachign my partner, can't help how i feel even if she doesn't have any feelings towards him. my partner wouldn't like me going off with a goodlooking male who was single, i know he wouldn't which is why i wouldn't put him in that position

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Jul-13 21:21:29

Well i wouldnt like this one little bit, but i am the jealous type.

Lovelygoldboots Wed 03-Jul-13 22:01:31

Only you know how this seems OP. You don't come across as a crazy person, just trying to establish whether yabu or not. I think yanbu if that is how you feel about her and the way she is acting if that makes sense. Go with your instinct if this is bothering you. She will probably bog off if your husband declines her invites.

UptheChimney Wed 03-Jul-13 22:17:17

Has this been suggested (I'm sure it has!) -- on one of your days doing the school run, you could go up to the woman in question with some story or other about your DH's arrangements. You could add ion "Sorry I can't go on that day, but I'll be along on xyz day to join you both." Then she knows he has a wife, and that you've discussed the cycling.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 22:21:27

no, i have no interest in talking to her,never did before either. i certainly don't want to approach her now. i don't care for her to know who shit she has made me feel, i doubt she would care although i would be mortified if i made someone feel like this although i wouldn't be insensitive to approach a stranger in a relationship with a view to starting up a friendship by going off with me to places

motherinferior Wed 03-Jul-13 22:23:44

I think that whether or not she fancies your DH it's more than a bit sad that you dislike and distrust other women so much. We're not all trying to get into his pants, you know.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 22:26:09

i dislike the sort of women that appear to make an obvious play for someone that is (more than likely) already in a relationship with someone else. says alot about a women. and no, i have never, as an adult, particularly liked many females. nothing to do with men, just prefer either being a loner or hanging with males (although usually either gay or alot older and not in a way that would bother their partners) :-D

UptheChimney Wed 03-Jul-13 22:26:52

Oh dear, not suggesting that you let her know how you feel (I don't blame you, BTW) -- just put on a perky mask, and pretend it's all hunky dory and that you'll be joining them cycling at some point. And that you have no anxieties: pretend, pretend, pretend, to put her in her place! or tell your DH that you are a bit upset about this and that he should just not follow up her invitation.

She seems a bit weird anyway just to approach him. Is it because he's more of a public figure, being in a band & so on? There's a word for that -- don't know if I can write it here "starf*****8" Sounds like that to me.

Good luck!

bettykt Wed 03-Jul-13 22:31:06

Do you know if she's single or in a relationship?

DIddled Wed 03-Jul-13 22:31:10

As long as she didn't ask him if he fancied a ride!!!

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 22:31:54

I feel sorry for this lady.

Your alarm bells are ringing because she isn't in a relationship. And this is what makes me feel very sorry for her. All she wants is someone to cycle with for a bit of motivation. She's a cyclist, he's a cyclist. Yet because she is single (and she probably only approached him because she believed he was safe) the alarm bells start.

What does this say about relationships between men and women? What on earth sort of planet are we all living on?

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 22:33:30

I should add that I have a hobby which necessarily involves having a partner. I have multiple blokes that I play with smile DH never bats an eyelid. Quite rightly.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 22:36:33

no no, he's not famous/recognisable to the average bod on the street (i wouldn't know who the fuck he was if i wasn't with him). he plays in a band more successful overseas/underground but would be recognised by a hardcore fan (not a mum at a gate). he does stand out though just because of the way he looks, NOT because he is really good looking (he isn't, just different looking, tis' all). i am drained from all of this. funny really, started the day nice and normal, now feel really weird and unfamiliar. i read as someone who is really insecure and fears other females. this is the really funny thing, i don't normally, actually is is normally dh who makes quips becasue of me/people i meet. this is just an odd uncomfortable out of the blue situation. i think from what i have read most posters here wouldn't feel overly happy if a pretty (single) female from nowhere asked their partner to hang with them cycling, fair point i think

motherinferior Wed 03-Jul-13 22:37:58

I agree with Wuldric.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 22:38:21

I think that whether or not she fancies your DH it's more than a bit sad that you dislike and distrust other women so much. We're not all trying to get into his pants, you know.

This.

I think this has unleashed some deep seated anger and possessiveness you didn't know you harboured, and that is what is unnerving you the most? But it's difficult to deal with that so you're directing your anger towards her? There's certainly a lot of vitriol towards this woman who by your own admission you don't know from Adam.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 22:44:42

nah, don't buy it, all this pity for her. she doesn't strike me as someone who is weak and in need of company that she approaches other peoples partners doing the school run. i am a confident independant person who has little to do with females in a close way apart from one friend, through choice. i think as does dh that her behaviour was forward and a bit fresh. i can see why she strikes a pity chord but i don't buy it. i don't know if she is single or not but still think it a bit odd as do many other posters here. i think all of us have some insecurities buried and are liars if they say they haven't and no, i didn't know i did until today. i am human after all smile

Cyclebump Wed 03-Jul-13 22:47:04

I get it a bit more after a think.

As a cyclist I often went riding with people I'd randomly met and, on my regular commute struck up a number of 'nod, wave, hello and chitchat' acquaintances and ride buddies. To a non cyclist it's a very weird world and before I was in it I would have thought it odd too.

My DH plays rugby (a lot) and women have started coming along to the touch rugby sessions. I'll admit I felt slightly uncomfortable until I realised my double standards.

Information may be the answer. Your DH can be too 'busy' to cycle with her, but maybe he could look up the local cycle club so if she does get in contact it's clear he's only there for cycle info. Another genuinely useful cycle forum is Cyclechat, maybe he could direct her there.

It's likely the encounter was entirely innocent, if a bit odd.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 22:50:32

You trust your partner, he isn't interested in her (if she is even interested in him) and has rebuffed her. I think you need to let this go.

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 22:50:48

dh said he would prefer her to be in a relationship then he wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

Not all single women are predatory, mate. Conversely some married women can be very predatory. You need to relax about this. You're bigging this up and you know, if I saw someone who indulged in my hobby, I'd be smiling and waving too. Chill out, cheer up. Your DH loves you. Give her a break smile

HappyDoll Wed 03-Jul-13 22:51:27

I briefly separated from DH last year and my friends at the school gate were so lovely and supportive...until the day of the school play when husbands & partners turned up. Literally no one talked to me except the single dad that they all usually fall all over (he was also shunned at the presence of the husbands). Not all single women are that desperate that they trawl playgrounds for partners...and of they are, husbands are capable of saying no. Women can be so horrible to each other.

xylem8 Wed 03-Jul-13 22:55:13

i wouldn t dream oe asking a married man to do a hobby with me ,just me and him. It would certainly raise eyebrows round this way

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 23:00:16

i wouldn t dream oe asking a married man to do a hobby with me ,just me and him. It would certainly raise eyebrows round this way

Dear oh lord, where do I start with this? Do you honestly think this is reasonable? How on earth can we live on equal terms with men if you cannot engage with them as equals, without any sexual agenda? I have no sexual agenda with many of the single/married/gay men I play with. The interest is the hobby. They are my equals and I am theirs <unless I am better at it than they are, snurk> You are all being silly.

garlicnutty Wed 03-Jul-13 23:02:08

As you've said loads of the other mums cycle - but this woman still has no cycling partner - and DH felt a bit squirmy about it, I'd suggest his instincts are working fine.

Either this woman has approached all the other mums, and they've refused (why?) or she went for the only man first (why?)

I think the other stuff about "if she weren't single" and your annoyingly stated preference for male company are red herrings. We say 'Trust your instincts'. And your H's instinct said "dodgy".

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 23:05:18

So let me get this straight.

In your worlds, a single woman automatically has AN AGENDA. She can only socialise with other women. Otherwise she is automatically suspect.

Have I got this right?

You are all utterly mad, you do know that, don't you?

DH goes out to lunch with a group of ladies who lunch. I adore this. What are you all afraid of, exactly?

scripsi Wed 03-Jul-13 23:05:44

OP I hope you aren't feeling too bad: for what it's worth the way your DH is reacting to all this is a very good sign IMHO and I don't think you have any reason to feel bad. It is a weird situation to be placed in.

I guess he can just let it slide in a "one day we can all go cycling together" and that day never comes, kind of way.

oreocookiez Wed 03-Jul-13 23:06:21

It would bother me a bit, Id think it odd that she doesnt even know your DH and has asked to be her cycling buddy! If one of my friends or someone DH knew well it wouldnt bother me at all.
It is def a bit strange. I think he should tell her no and on yer bike grin

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 23:07:09

i don't know if she is single or not. my beef wasn't because i thought she was single but the way in which she approached a man she didn't know/had never spoken to other than the odd hello, and then ask him if he wanted to go cycling with her. simple as that. i would have felt odd if she hadn't been pretty too although didn't help that she is. and fwiw my close friend is single and pretty :-D, she hangs round here alot, never occurred to me to be insecure about it, still not either. just an odd situation. i'm too tired to be bothered about anything at the moment. taken onboard your comments wuldric. and happydoll i think that stinks, it made me feel sad when reading your experience, i would hate to make someone feel like that but this isn't the same thing. my post wasn't because she is single (i don't know if she is or isn't), it was her forwardness, dh feels the same, simple as that

Cyclebump Wed 03-Jul-13 23:07:19

xylem8 I would move, as living in an area with that kind of snarky mentality would suffocate me.

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 23:10:08

Hang on a minute OP, you said that she was not in a relationship earlier on in the thread. To whit dh said he would prefer her to be in a relationship then he wouldn't feel uncomfortable Or did you mean that you didn't know whether or not she was in a relationship but you didn't know.

Blimey, it just gets worse.

garlicnutty Wed 03-Jul-13 23:11:18

In the days when I did run & cycle, people sometimes offered to buddy up with me. Well, I say 'people' but, actually, they were all men. I was suspicious of their motives - reasonably, I think - and told 'em I prefer to train alone.

I would have gone with a woman who'd asked. But none did.

Mumsyblouse Wed 03-Jul-13 23:12:13

Wuldric I find your insistence that there is never an agenda between married men and single women (or married women and single men or all married people) just as silly as those insisting there is always an agenda. Of course men and women can be friends, but some people are unfaithful in the context of these friendships. It's slightly naive to believe this is never possible and all men/women friendships over hobbies are always platonic, just as it's rather sad to live in a world in which you are convinced everyone is after your man.

Op- from what you have said, you do not have much to worry about, your husband feels a bit uncomfortable and wasn't looking for a cycling buddy so there is no real issue. You have been rattled because she is young and pretty and you feel insecure, but there's no need to feel like this, your husband has been honest and is taking account of your feelings. I have been exactly where you are now, and in my case it was entirely innocent and I felt a right pillock for thinking otherwise, but sometimes the best of us can feel threatened by younger models. I don't think you need to dwell on this though, as it all seems in hand and it is your jealousy driving it rather than anything your partner has done.

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 23:14:07

So okay

You are all suspicious of opposite sex relationships. Rightly or wrongly.

So how does this equate with having equal relationships? Don't tell me that you believe in separate but equal. Because I really will then JUST despair. Please tell me that you are living in deepest darkest Peru and not in the UK in the 21st century.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 23:14:13

fwiw dh has had many female friends over the years, still does, never bothered me infact i often tell hiim he should get intouch with them as he hasn't seen them for ages (one in particular). this ain't the same thing though as i know who they are, few of them have known him far longer than i have. i have many male friends, dh feels as i do, no threat but he knows them also & how i met them, they didn't approach me in the street as a stranger and ask me if i wanted to be their friend....

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 23:19:01

wul you are twisting this. my beef wasn't about single or not single. just the way in which she approached a father she didn't know at the school gate with a view to him hanging out with her. not quite the same thing. both dh and i have friends who we regulalry hang out with (without the other being there). not the same thing at all. i have lots of male friends that there is no way in hell i want to sleep with, dh trust me, i trust him, this is just different in the way it has come from nowhere.

HappyDoll Wed 03-Jul-13 23:20:12

OK, so you don't see the relevance of my post. But I do. You have consistently referred to your DH as 'someone else's partner', my point is, why label him as that from her standpoint when it is perfectly possible that she views him as 'that cycling guy at the school gate', not your possession.
Is it possible that she chose to approach a man because the women at the gate are less than friendly? I know that feeling.

garlicnutty Wed 03-Jul-13 23:21:31

they didn't approach me in the street as a stranger and ask me if i wanted to be their friend....

Exactly. I don't believe for one second that ALL opposite-sex friendships are dodgy; neither that NONE of them are!

I am generally suspicious of people going out of their way to Be My Friend. Applies to both sexes: if they're that keen, they have an ulterior motive.

Mumsyblouse Wed 03-Jul-13 23:22:40

I am not suspicious of all opposite sex relationships, my husband also has a hobby in which he has women partners (that sounds a bit wrong, but you know what I mean!), he has women colleagues who he works with and he has women friends whom he sees for lunch etc.

I don't feel threatened by any of this- but when someone new suddenly rocked up on the scene, I did feel threatened, not sure why that particular person did, but that's how I felt. In my case, however, there really was nothing going on, and I've got to know the person very well and she's lovely (I don't hold her good looks against her any more). I think it's the intrusion of someone new, young, attractive, with unknown motivation (may be lovely and innocent, may not)- I don't think it's crazy to feel a bit threatened or jealous once in a blue moon if you are not usually like this but in most cases (and it sounds like this here) it does say more about you than about the new person. Nothing the OP says makes me think her partner is interested in this lady, more bemused.

wintertimeisfun Wed 03-Jul-13 23:30:42

dh has alot of female friends especially with his work (he has two jobs). always gone over my head when he talks about them, funny really but never been bothered as i have said repeatedly, neither of us normally bother about these things. i always come home from work going on about one bloke or another. it is just the odd way inwhich this came about. i understand that there is a possibility that she merely wants a cycle friend whether she is single or not, i know this, just seems odd when listening to dh's tale of events. she's never chatted to him about cycling which is a bit odd if she has noticed that she shares a common interest with him but then suddenly puts him on the spot. i don't like being put on the spot ie someone wanting to come with me to my job or wanting my number, but i find a way out of it. this issue has become whether or not she is single, this is ain't

dontgowadingin Wed 03-Jul-13 23:41:20

I love it when the trendy " oh I never get jealous over my man " crew appear '

Personally I would have eye balled her and then given my man a love bite!! grin

Cheeky mare she was well after a jump !

garlicnutty Wed 03-Jul-13 23:50:26

she's never chatted to him about cycling which is a bit odd ...

OP, I'm turning into your pet parrot for the night!

Yes, my brothers are raging cyclists. Whenever they clap eyes on another obsessive keen cyclist, they ask knowledgeable questions about the others' bike build (they're all custom-built) and swap info about the various lunatic trails they ride at the weekends. It's like this with all common interests, isn't it?

Nobody says "Hello! You cycle! Me come with you!" unless there's something wrong with them and/or their motive.

Wuldric Wed 03-Jul-13 23:54:18

Yup, trendy old me

<ignores the wrinkly bits, the saggy bits, and the altogether unlovely bits>

Me I am firm and pert and trendy and not 46 years old at all.

ROFL at the thought of giving Dh a lovebite at the first sign of female attention though

Just let me know when you all emerge from the 19th century though.

Jeez, I thought I was old ....

monicalewinski Thu 04-Jul-13 00:01:32

winter it's all been thoroughly overthought and dissected now, I'm not surprised you're tired. The whole thing was odd tbh, but your husband clearly thought it to be odd too; he just needs to politely brush off her interest in 'buddying up' if she approaches him again (other posters have made good suggestions for brush offs).
Don't dwell on it too much or you'll end up blowing it out of proportion in your head (but you are def not unreasonable to have been rattled in the first place because what she did is not normal behaviour IMO).

Eyesunderarock Thu 04-Jul-13 00:09:57

Snuggle up on that bench Wuldric and make space for another member of the trendy crew. Somewhat older than you too. grin
Been with mine for 30 years and never doubted him, or he me.
It's always a bit sad when those of us in stable and trusting relationships get accused of various sins from complacency and smugness to self-deception and out and out lying.
Still don't understand why the OP's husband didn't just say 'No thank you'

Kewcumber Thu 04-Jul-13 00:30:50

I'm confused. She's a stranger - which is why you don't like her asking your DH to cycle with her yet you expect her to know that he is married because she should know having been at the same school as you for years and years confused

As a single parent myself, I can't imagine making a pass at a fellow parent in the playground. But perhaps this woman is a better femme fatale than I.

I don't see the big deal

"sorry between the wife and the kids and the job I'm struggling to find spare time to do extra cycling. Have you thought of asking X? (insert name or some other likely victim man)

wintertimeisfun Thu 04-Jul-13 05:56:48

i don't expect her to know that he is married but this is by a school where there is a good chance the father of a kid has a partner, this isn't in a bar on a social evening. i wouldn't go up to another man with a view to him going off somewhere with me if i saw him outside a school gate. still tired..and confused which ever way i look at it. he said he gave her his number because he felt odd not to as she had put him on the spot and asked for it. i know that feeling, your mind goes blank. he is naive and genuinely thought it would be nice for someone to go cycling with him, fair enough, could be just that but i still think odd as he was a complete stranger and not the only bod into cycling. i know another father there who is a much keener cyclist than him although alot plainer to look at, didn't ask him did she

Lweji Thu 04-Jul-13 06:04:00

Maybe the other cyclist dad isn't friendly to her?

Inertia Thu 04-Jul-13 06:56:53

I wouldn't be happy with this TBH - but I think I would have directed my unhappiness at my husband for agreeing to go out alone with a woman he barely knows and for giving her his number.

Your husband is making excuses. He just needs to tell her sorry but that's not going to work for him and she might do better to join a cycling club.

MovingForward0719 Thu 04-Jul-13 09:30:48

I think it's been over thought. Maybe she doesn't realise you're together. It if makes you both uncomfortable he just needs to keep out her way or not reply if she texts him. She'll soon get the message. Or just do the school run together a couple of times and she might feel a bit of a prat. Then let it go.

Look, you're uncomfortable with it, quite clearly so.

He has female friends and you're not generally insecure so just bloody tell him you're not comfortable with it and that can be that.

It does reek of ulterior motive too, to be honest. You may be wrong but she doesn't know him at all and as you said, other mums at the school cycle and yet she asked a bloke she's waved at a few times.

Also, if it made your DH a bit uncomfortable then he was probably sensing that too.

Anyway, you're well within your rights to just say it makes you uncomfortable, whatever's going on.

xylem8 Thu 04-Jul-13 10:24:41

'DH goes out to lunch with a group of ladies who lunch'

the key word being 'group' there Wuldric, a big difference to what this lady is proposing

motherinferior Thu 04-Jul-13 10:45:32

I am loving the idea that I am trendy because I had my 50th birthday a month ago grin

I used to be madly jealous rather like rather a lot of you lot. Then I took up with Mr Inferior and gave up. Should someone younger and perter than I attempt to get into his padded cycling shorts <rofl> I am sure he would be flattered but no doubt extricate himself with dignity grin

Emilythornesbff Thu 04-Jul-13 11:20:56

Good posts mumsyblouse

And pmsl @ dontgowadingin.
Where's the "like" button when you need it?

merrymouse Thu 04-Jul-13 11:40:40

I think its the phraseology that is a bit weird.

It's one thing saying 'would you like a game of tennis' or even 'if you are ever short of a tennis buddy, here's my number' for instance. It's quite another thing saying to a complete stranger 'let's be tennis buddies' which implies a commitment to a regular game.

As I said before, even with no sexual connotations whatsoever, I would feel put on the spot if another mum said 'let's be knitting buddies/windsurfing buddies/golf buddies/dog walking buddies/gym buddies', if she hadn't ever really spoken to me before, because this implies that she wants me to regularly do something with her every Tuesday morning, for instance, and we might really not get on, and then I would have to start making excuses about why I was suddenly busy on Tuesday mornings and it would become really awkward.

I suspect that is why he is feeling uncomfortable.

The only thing I can think of to explain this rather odd behaviour is that perhaps she has chatted to one of the other parents about wanting to find somebody to cycle with, and they know your DH and have suggested him.

NinaJade666 Thu 04-Jul-13 12:13:03

I wouldn't be comfortable with how she's gone about it at all. My OH would most definitely have said no thanks, and NEVER would have given his number out to a woman he hardly knows.

becscertainstar Thu 04-Jul-13 12:28:37

I wouldn't like it tbh. These 'well something would only happen if your DH was a knob, so if he's not you don't need to worry' - for me, I'm also freaked out by women being predatory around my DH - I know they're not going to succeed but I just find it so... distasteful and 'letting down the sisterhood'.

There's a mum at DSs school who's a bit weird with DH - for instance, DH only picks DS up from school on the first Thursday of every month when I'm usually away. She has phoned him to ask if he could get her kids scooter that they'd forgotten and bring it to park. He did - so far, so normal. It kept happening - always something normal, but only on the first Thursday of the month, and only when DH was alone. She's never called me. Then she called on a 'first Thursday in the month' and asked if he could pick up her kids as she was stuck at work and she'd arrive and pick them up with a bottle of wine for DH and her to share while the kids play. He said 'Well becstar's not away like she usually is, she's working at home, so I'll check whether she minds us having you and your kids over' and suddenly she didn't need them picked up any more and 'oh well, we'll do it another time.' What's really strange about it is that we haven't told her or anyone else at the school that it's only the first Thursday of every month - she must have figured it out as she always phones on that day, always phones DH, has never phoned me to check whether it's me that day... She must have sat down with a flippin' calendar and worked out the pattern of when he's at school! She doesn't look me in the eye and if I say 'hello' she only replies if DH is with me.

She freaks me out. Not because I think DH would sleep with her but because she's clearly a loon, right there in the PTA selling cupcakes at the bake sale...

wintertimeisfun Thu 04-Jul-13 12:29:52

update - things seem heaps better this morning smile. turns out dh felt really upset that he had upset me, i wasn't proud of how i was feeling either despite still standing by why i felt like that. neither of us slept much. i got in from work (about 8:50am) to find him already home as he is usually doing the school run then, i didn't want to bump into him :-D , turns out he didn't want to bump into her so he took dd to school really early to avoid her. i told him he can't avoid her and that i felt mostly hurt that he had taken her number even though i knew he felt uncomfortable. he said he never wanted to go cycling with her in the first place and that this had come from nowhere, i was more resentful that i was put in the uncomfortable postiion blah blah. he said (i didn't demand) he would just tell her if she called/bumped into her that he didn't really want a cycling partner as he likes to be free to do his own speeds (i would feel like this too, hate trolling around doing my job with someone in tow) and that he felt to awkward to tell her this when she asked him initially. one good thing, good excuse for make up sex later :-D still not looking forward to seeing her although as far as i know she doesn't know i exist (or care..?). and eys, it may have been innocent anyway but still leaves a bad taste with me to ask another father at the school gate that you don't know if they want to go off cycling with you as i wouldn't do it

wintertimeisfun Thu 04-Jul-13 12:34:32

becs that is the kind of shite that would wind me up something rotten. i agree, its not so much that you think your partner would fall for them, more their arrogence/lack of respect to just step in although some women do get a buz going after someone that is already spoken for. what does you OH think ie does he think it is your imagination or has he noticed too?

becscertainstar Thu 04-Jul-13 12:45:03

He agreed that she must have sat down with a calendar because apart from that one fixed point of the first Thursday of every month DH and I's schedules are completely irregular (we're both freelance) but I do the majority of pick ups. So for her to call him, not me (she has my number), and to only call him on that day she'd have had to figure out that there was one set day a month where I was likely to be away. At which point DH said 'Brrr... Freak!'. It didn't occur to him that she'd want him for his body!! he just said he could imagine her in a psychopath's lair surrounded by the calendar of everyone in the school figuring out where they all were and what they were doing, watching everyone. I pointed out that she doesn't say 'hello' to me when I see her alone, and he just said 'Yup, like I said, FREAK!' I haven't pressed the point tbh, but I keep a weather eye on her at school events, like you'd watch a stray dog that was foaming at the mouth...

CrapBag Thu 04-Jul-13 20:54:19

What a brazen hussy becs shock

I would have to smile really sweetly and say hi in overly nice way when I was with DH if this was me. Let her know you are onto her. wink

OP, glad your DH is going to knock it on the head. She can always ask one of the other mums if she genuinely wants a cycling partner, which I doubt very much.

Kewcumber Fri 05-Jul-13 10:16:21

It would be quite hard to seduce someone on a bike surely. I would have suggested a sweaty run or just a nice lie down to rest in a nice big bed. Or going for a drink. She's not a very accomplished Hussy.

Even the most incompetent of husbands could fend that off.

I have asked a husband I don't know that well to come and watch the rugby with us in a bar on Saturday. I am a Jezebel. I am planning to pounce on him at half time when the kids aren't looking.

motherinferior Fri 05-Jul-13 10:30:51

I once asked a husband (or maybe partner, don't know if they're married) if he fancied coming to a concert with me, as both our partners loathe the type of music it was. In the end we were both too knackered to manage it, but his delightful partner didn't appear to think that I was about to rip his clothes from his body. And mine was just overwhelming relieved at not being subjected to the evening himself.

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 11:40:28

not the same thing spending time with someone else's partner if you already know them (even if just a bit). both the two previous posters have made reference to either spending time with someone else's partner or asking someone else's partner to spend time with them AND their OH, n BUT in both instances it was made aware that you already knew them/their partners to some extent, not the same thing as going upto a stranger at the school gate, not the same bloody thing at all. as for thinking that riding a bike isn't a way of seducing someone. ffs ever heard of using something as an escuse to make an introduction. there is always going for a drink after/stopping and sitting during the ride. only a slapper would go upto someone they wanted to seduce and say 'excuse me, would you like to fuck me' confused

fuzzywuzzy Fri 05-Jul-13 11:51:31

Dunno about alarm bells, but if they've never spoken prior to this, to ask him to commit to (presumably) a long term thing sounds just a bit strange.

I'd not think twice if everyone was on mutually friendly chatty terms to begin with.

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 11:59:06

fuz i agree, we both already have friends of the opposite sex and spend time alone with them without the OH being there

Kewcumber Fri 05-Jul-13 12:06:55

I know I'm poking fun a little winter but I'm single. Contrary to what many of you think it is perfectly normal for a single woman to pass the time of day with a man - even one they don't know. It's how you meet people, make friends and even shock get a shag boyfriend.

The man in question can either say "yes that would be nice" or "no thank you I'm worried you have ulterior motives at some point down the line" - all perfectly normal.

I wouldn't personally ask someone to be a "bike buddy" but I don't get all the shocked gasps and hoiked bosoms about it - she is either single and is confident enough to approach someone she likes the look of or is genuinely looking for someone to ride to school and back with. Either way she hasn't done anything wrong. you DH on the other hand is a married man who seems convinced that she has designs on him and he still said yes then GAVE HER HIS NUMBER!!!!

If the situation were reversed and a nice looking young man in the playground asked you to coffee/bike ride/run - wouldn;t you just be a bit flattered and say "tempting but no thanks my DH gets first dibs on my free time"

Would you really say yes, give him your number and then blame him for being a suave seducer? Really?! shock

Why is she getting the pursed lips treatment not him?

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 12:45:49

with the way that she approached him ie him not having really known her i would have been edgy still had i known she was in a relationship (i don't know if she is or isn't). fwiw my closest female friend is single (& attractive) and hangs out at our house with me & sometimes dh, never comes into my mind that this could be a problem although i am aware of how some women in relationships may view a single women

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 12:52:56

btw you have twisted/exagerated it somewhat. i never said he was convinced she had designs on him, only that he thought it was a bit odd & made him feel uncomfortable. he gave her his number as he was taken aback and didn't know what to say. he could hardly say, sorry luv but i am married confused. i have given out my number a fair few times when i didn't really want to purely because i was put on the spot. i never said she was after him either come to think of it, just that it was odd and that she may have been but i was always aware that she may have just been a free spirit and was looking for a cycling partner blah blah. i've moved on from it now anyway, so has he. i still wouldn't go up to another dad at the school gate that i didn't know and ask him to go and hang out with me. i don't think many would, in a bar etc scenario yes, but school gate? no

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 13:04:46

just read the last bit of your thread, i was pissed off with him for taking her number actually. but in knowing his personality i can imagine him reacting like that and giving it. i am confident and outspoken but yet i doubt i would have replied with what you suggested above if i had been asked for my number, easier to give the number and then deal with it later ie hope nothing comes of it (as does often happen when for whatever reason you give your number to someone when you didn't want to).

motherinferior Fri 05-Jul-13 13:17:17

Come off it, Wintertime, you've said at some length that you 'have never really trusted females' and don't like women much...

The best-looking dad - a really drop-dead gorgeous musician of terrific charm - at the school gate asked for my email recently. Obviously I supplied him with it...and then realised, with no particular surprise, that he wanted to put me on his mailing list. (He is married to a model of stunning gorgeousness, who is as lovely as he is. They inspire a mix of hideous envy and disarmed admiration.)

shewhowines Fri 05-Jul-13 13:42:08

YANBU very dodgy. I'm not the jealous type but I would have felt the same as you.

It would have been worse and more likely to succeed, if she had taken it a bit slower and just started chatting about cycling, before building up to asking him to go with her. That was her mistake and your good fortune.

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 14:00:55

true, i did say that and still stand by it but not as a result of a male past thing, i just don't like females that much. so what. don't overly trust them either, far less complicated and more laid back in my experience being around males (and not other peoples), and yes, i do have the odd female friend one of which i am very close. btw why 'obviously' did you supply your email address to a man you knew was married. just becaue he was bloody good looking? a musician? wouldn't make any difference to me if he looked like bloody brad pitt i wouldn't have given it to him unless it was specifically for something ie work

motherinferior Fri 05-Jul-13 14:10:26

Oh, he's delightful. Clearly sadly did not want it for purposes of propositioning me. I'm not precious about my email, dammit. I have very rarely received torrid missives on it. More's the pity. Certainly not from someone who's married to a woman who is a dead ringer for a goddess.

Idocrazythings Fri 05-Jul-13 14:19:23

As adults it's harder to make friends than as children. Maybe because they are on smiling terms she thought it would be ok? Maybe the other cycling mums are too stuck up to even approach. I really wanted to find a running buddy but found it really hard to approach people.

That said though it is a little weird, I wouldn't feel overly comfortable if it was my DH in all honesty. It shouldn't be, as I doubt it would be an AIBU if another dad asked; it's just another sad reflection on our society.

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 14:19:31

just because his wife is a beauty doesn't mean she is nice and that he is happy....... sidelining here but why do the big rock stars near on ALWAYS marry models? i lost all respect i had for eadie vedder when i read one day that he was married to one. whilst i can see the attaction about waking up in the morning to a beautiful women, just seems a bit naff really. i always have a certain amount of admiration when i see a really good looking bloke walking along clearly in love with his partner who is somewhat plain in comparison smile

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 14:24:45

i know ido. there is of course a large element of animal instinct going on though, someone of the opposite sex coming possibly too close, goes both ways with male and females sometimes. dh and i do have (mostly..) laid back personalities, i have at times unerved him a bit because of someone (through my job) that may have crossed my path (if they are good looking). believe it or not goes over my head pretty girls hanging around re his work, just something about the possibility of an admirer on your doorstep. i am not angry about it anymore, funny how something can really wind you up one day and then not so much the next, i am due on though...

Idocrazythings Fri 05-Jul-13 14:26:35

i always have a certain amount of admiration... I'm a little shock by that comment.

Idocrazythings Fri 05-Jul-13 14:29:22

Sounds like it winter. Is it wine o'clock yet for you? grin

motherinferior Fri 05-Jul-13 14:29:49

She is absolutely lovely, actually. I like her. (But then I like lots of women.)

Idocrazythings Fri 05-Jul-13 14:30:16

The first above comment was a x-post

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 14:56:07

what i meant was that people, myself included, usually assume that the really good looking men want a matching accessory and gravitate towards really good looking women (arm candy), there's even a dating agency aimed towards the likes called Sugardaddy. if i see a good looking bloke with a women who is plainer than he it makes me think he isn't as vain/self absorbed as the others (as they appear). perhaps using the word 'admire' wasn't best chosen. doesn't happen often though, i rarely see a good looking bloke with an 'ordinary' looking partner

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 05-Jul-13 15:13:16

'Why is she getting the pursed lips treatment not him?'

Quite.

He's the one who's married. He knows how it makes you feel. He is also a grown-up who is (presumably) capable of saying no to her. Or are we buying in here to the 'man as poor defenceless mite in the face of woman's dangerous seductive power' thing'?

Oh, and saying things like 'i just don't like females that much. so what.' doesn't make you come across particularly well.

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 16:51:22

jeeez, i have said, more than once that i WAS pissed off with him. he explained why he gave the number, so have i on here too, many times. as for my not particularly enjoying female company and being honest about it. i don't post on here to win friends and am not bothered if it makes me sound off, especially as this site is mostly frequented by females :-)

motherinferior Fri 05-Jul-13 16:55:02

Would you say 'I don't really like black people', out of interest?

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 17:15:24

omg, wtf? i'm not even going to answer your question. only on MN could someone bring race into a random discussion nothing to do with race confused although do know where you are coming from (to group everyone into one group). I obviously don't dislike all females, i have mentioned more than once that my closest friend is female. i just tend to a/not be as comfortable and b/have less sharing interests. having said that, i work with a fair few women who i am fond of. tbh i have had some awful female bollocks over the years with female friends and naturally keep my distance. just seems less complicated when around with my male mates..

trackies Fri 05-Jul-13 20:31:19

This has got nothing to with race. I'm brown and I can see that. Also get where you are coming from on the preferring male company. I'm the same. Easier and less complicated to deal with.

londone17 Fri 05-Jul-13 20:35:40

So do I.

wintertimeisfun Fri 05-Jul-13 21:28:41

smile nice one ladies

msshapelybottom Fri 05-Jul-13 21:30:19

This thread is why I keep a very clear distance between me (single woman) and men at the school gate. We chat about the weather and the kids but I am always wary of giving off the wrong message. Cos you know, all us single women are out to get a man by any means we can. I have a friend who was single when we met and now he is in a long term relationship. I feel I have to keep my distance from him too. So many people think a partner is their possession and are threatened by other women. I find it very sad. I would hate to be seen as "predatory" for being friendly.

Actually, this reminds me of a night I was out in the pub with a friend. We live at opposite ends of our village so I hung around till a married guy I know who lives near me was leaving so he could walk me home. The reason? I felt safe walking home with him because he was married. Now I am thinking the entire village must be locking their men in just incase one of them accidentally falls in love with me wink

Kewcumber Fri 05-Jul-13 23:03:13

motherinferior - your reference went "whooooooosh" but it wasn't totally wasted.

We women we're all the same us - complicated bitchy types and those men, simple creatures.

motherinferior Sat 06-Jul-13 08:41:18

grin

Most of the utter arseholes I've met have been white people, but I don't dislike all white people on that basis.

MortifiedAdams Sat 06-Jul-13 08:55:30

Remembet Kevin Webster and Molly Dobbs as the running buddies?

Before you know it OP, they will be having an illigitinate child and a tram will fall on her. Good luck!

merrymouse Sat 06-Jul-13 09:43:30

I thought wintertime was just making the point that she was comfortable with opposite sex platonic relationships.

As I said before, I think the reason both of them felt uncomfortable is that it is odd to jump to 'buddy' friendship status without starting off with a bit of small talk with either the OP or her partner. I suspect he gave her the phone number because he was wrong footed by her rather odd behaviour.

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 11:10:03

merry spot on smile

nevergoogle Sat 06-Jul-13 11:19:58

I'd point her in the direction of British Cycling's Breeze Network for women for group rides to get her confidence in the routes available in the area.

If there are none, she could train to become a leader and meet lots of like minded women.

nevergoogle Sat 06-Jul-13 11:27:44

although my suggestion negates the need to get yourselves in a spin about an invite to go cycling, so might not be quite what you are looking for.

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