To have a nagging doubt that my MIL isn't being truthful(44 Posts)
My MIL is a very possessive, controlling type and we've had a lot of issues with her in the past. I won't go into all the details as there is far to much to say.
Recently my MIL has looked after my 3year old DS on three occasions on her own, but only for a few hours a time. All was going well (or so I thought).
My son isn't particularly keen to be left with her on his own as she can be a bit bossy with him and he tends to cry when I leave.
When I pick him up she makes a massive point that he kept asking for Daddy. Each time she made a big deal of this. When in the car on the way home my DS told me 'I wanted you Mummy, where did you go'. So, already I'm feeling like my Mil is playing games at my sons and my expense.
However, recently something more concerning has been said. Since she has started to have DS on her own he has been saying 'we love only one, we love daddy' whenever we say we love DS. I let it go for a while but then asked him 'why do you say that'? He straight away said 'Grandma told me off, we love only one, we love daddy'. He said this on two separate occasions, once to me and once to my DH. I was shocked, but didn't disbelieve it was possible (she has been shockingly malicious to me in the past).
I spoked with my DH about it who mulled it over and without me knowing asked her about it. She claims to only ever talk about Mummy and Daddy and denied she would have said what my DS suggested.
I asked my DS nursery leader what she thought. She said my DS says he loves MUmmy, Daddy and the dog etc as you would expect. She said that the disclosure from my son sounds like an adult has said it as its out of context.
I still have nagging doubts that my son is telling me the truth. He is so definate about it. Am I being reasonable to doubt her and does anyone have similar experience of this?
You already know from experience what she is like. I'd try to minimise contact.
I would go with your instincts and by all means visit but don't leave him.
On a general point I always wonder why people seem to need to leave their kids for hours or overnight with mil or own parents.
Why the need. He's 3 so stay with him.
I've had 3 hospital apps (ultra sound scans for new baby) so had to leave him, but never have before that. My own parents are dead so had little choice!
thebody - sorry but what a ridiculous thing to say. You don't know what reasons the OP has for leaving her son. Parents do need a break from time to time
Small children don't tend to invent things like that, they repeat what they hear other people saying. I would think that his Grandma has said it to him. I think you need to reconsider leaving him with her, especially since it appears to upset him.
Are you leaving your DS with her because you need childcare? I personally would not be leaving him alone with her. He doesn't enjoy it and you know she is not kind to him.
Trust your instincts on this.
Don't leave her with him. She can see him by all means, but not unsupervised.
Sounds like she said something so I'd be wary.
thebody what do you mean? Isn't it nice for them to have a good relation with their grandparents? Also it's childcare if you are at work or time to go away for the night or do something as just a couple.
I would take my DS with me to hospital rather than have her look after him. You do have a choice, hospital would prefer you didn't take him but they can't stop you turning up with him.
Because of my pregnancy having complications the hospital advised he didn't attend the appointments. Otherwise, I would happily take him along.
Sorry didn't mean to offend this op.
Just commenting on the numerous posts re posters being unhappy leaving children with nasty/ drunk/ entitled grandparents. Who insist on having grandchildren overnight or for hours. That's not necessary.
Tickle, can't you take him to the scans? Any friends? Mil sounds not nice.
Op it's no good asking for advice & having an answer for everything!
Get Dh to take time off to look after him if you don't trust mil or put him in nursery on those days
Captain I can speak for myself you know. It doesn't preclude you asking for advice..or shouldn't anyway!
It doesn't strike me as something a 3 yo would come up with by himself. I would be very wary of her and not leave him with her again.
In general it's lovely for DC to have a good relationship with their GP's and I don't see a problem with leaving them for the day or even overnight. My 2 have a great time at my PIL's, with the eldest (5) having spent the night on 2 occasions and the youngest a day once a week.
I think this is a different situation though OP and I would follow your instincts no matter what your MIL says.
It does something that came from an adult rather than a 3 year old. Will you need to leave him with her again?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I would have a word with her myself and tell her that I believed my child and I would ask her not to say such things again as you have placed a great trust in her by asking her to mind your son.
I would also ask her why she feels the need to do this.
I wouldn't care whether she was offended or not because I would rather not leave my child with someone so horrible.
tickle I think you need to trust your instincts, she probably did say that to him. Try to limit the time he is alone with her, possibly find a childminder or babysitter you can rely on a bit. It will probably be hard to stop him staying with her at all (as this would probably cause all sorts of problems and she would probably cause a big scene) when your DC are a little older and less influenced I am sure she could spend more time with them. Good luck, it must be hard.
If the doctors have advised her not to bring her son along because she is experiencing pregnancy complications, then she can't flaming well take him!
OP, I would go with your instinct. It doesn't sound like normal childspeak, iykwim. Do you have a friend who could have your ds during your appointments?
There will be other times that you need someone to look after DS. I think you should start looking for a reliable babysitter/childminder/nursery who would be willing to do this on an ad hoc basis, if you don't have a friend that you can ask. From what you've posted, DS isn't happy staying with MIL and you aren't happy that she appears to be saying strange things to him. Then there's also clearly a back history of controlling behaviour and problems with her, so you need an alternative. Doesn't mean DS can't spend time with her, but I wouldn't leave him alone with her anymore.
I would stop your mil having him without one of you there
Childcare can be a nightmare I know but you shouldn't leave him with someone you can't trust. If your mil was unable to have him you would find another solution so maybe you need to find one now
If he's 3 is he in any kind of child care?
Have a long break from babysitting with her then review the situation in 6 months
Definitely sounds like it came from an adult and MIL is the obvious choice here!
My DS1, when around 3, started telling me he "couldn't have beautiful eyes mummy, only girls have beautiful eyes" - what a load of shit. Must have come from MIL or one of her potty friends - certainly not from me or DH! I told DS1 that it was a silly thing to say and that ANYONE could have beautiful eyes.
However, what your DS has been told is far more potentially damaging and confusing and he shouldn't be exposed to that sort of influence more than is strictly necessary - so I'd be trying to limit it as much as you possibly can, given your situation. And just reassure DS over and over that it's ok to love you both, and you both love him. The poison trickle from granny won't be able to outweigh your own input.
I nearly always stick up for the MILs on here but this behaviour is seriously odd. What is the MIL gaining from this weird behaviour, doesn't she realise that he will grow up one day and ponder about the odd things grandma used to say to him.
I've no idea what she is trying to gain. She is very very odd and terribly jealous. Right from the start she only bought clothes with 'I love Daddy' on, crap like that. I just tried to ignore it. However, this behaviour is messing with my DS view of things and I'm fuming. I don't think she thought for one minute my DS would tell us what she said. At least following my DH confronting her about it she is aware that she can't get away with saying such things. He won't be left unsupervised with her for a long long time now...that's all she's gained!
She's mad. She's besotted with her own Ds and wants her dgs to be the same way, so she's marginalizing you in the mean time. She'd probably get rid of you and take over herself if she had her way.
This is the kind of crap my MIL did. Then she pissed off Dh with her control freak ways and he cut her out of our lives. No skin off my nose I know she was trying to get rid of me and poison our child against me. She made it well known.
i just wouldn't leave him unsupervised with her, as you say. visit her by all means, but you know now he's not to be left alone with her.
i had a relative doing similar things. they were caught out. i thought they'd stop then. but they didn't. so now i just don't risk it.
Sounds very probable that she did say it. I'd go as far as 99.9 chance. I wouldn't underestimate what your 3 your old is saying.
Be careful...when the baby arrives,she could follow it up with 'mommy only loves one child,the baby',and then try to win your son over to 'her' side.(that might seem far fetched,but stranger things have happened).
You're right to keep an eye on her,I wouldn't trust her either.
I know I'm going against the grain but am going to advise some caution. I have worked with 3yo children in the past and they certainly are capable of mishearing, misunderstanding or misrepresenting something that has been said to them or within earshot.
Is it possible that he asked MIL if she loved his mummy and daddy, and she explained that daddy is her son so she only loves him?
Mentioning it to her should be sufficient warning that he is repeating what he hears and, if she did say something with malicious intent, she would be daft to persist.
Sounds like she's playing a manipulative game with the result that your son will say he only loves Daddy to hurt you (because she can't hurt you directly, she can through your son).
Wise words from HildaOgden too - it may sound daft to people with lovely approachable normal MiLs but I don't think the OP's MiL falls into this category somehow.
Squinkies she has indeed tried getting rid of me before. She treated me like an incubator after ds was born. I'd delivered her gransdon and my job was over. she tried to get in between my dh and I and my ds and I.My husband has sadly become wise to her bitching madness and is a little wary himself.
Audeucalione I understand what you are saying as Ive worked with children extensively myself. However, i dont think my son would talk to her about love or things like that (he is quite wary of her) unless she brought it up. He is only just 3 and his world begins and ends with cars and trucks! They just haven't had the length of time together and there isn't that bond. Plus when he said it his tone of voice was that of an adult telling off a child (like he had been corrected). It's totally out of context and very weird.
Sadly my own parents (normal well adjusted people) are dead and I had hoped my MIL could be trusted to be normal for my sons sake. My son doesn't need to be around someone like that and I don't want to be left picking up the pieces of her venomous crap. So so frustrating.
She pushes to have the baby on her own when he is born (with no mention of my Ds - she's a classic baby hogger) and I find her creepy around the children eg she baths with her other grandchildren who are 4 and 2. She is far to needy of them.
She'll be supervised in future!!!
Scary! Definitely agree keep your distance and where at all possible try not to let her be alone with your son any more.
In the context of the sort of person she seems to be I don't think this is a misunderstanding.
Also your son told you he was asking for you after MIL told you he was asking for Daddy. Maybe he was asking for you again and she told him off...
She does sound banaynay in general, but i have to say, what is wrong with bathing with a 4 and 2yo? My dc are 6 and nearly 4 and i still get in the bath or shower with them occasionally, there's nothing 'creepy' about it. She's their grandmother, not some random. But i agree that the rest of it sounds horrible and i'd be keeping her at arm's length. Does your ds go to nursery at all? Can you see if one of the other mums is willing to swap you a child minding favour?
I think the bathing together with the other grandchildren is indicative of her overstepping boundaries though. I think it is something a parent does with their child not usually something a grandparent would do.
She does sound batty, I would distance her and tell her why to be honest, but then my MIL does tell me she is disappointed I am not more compliant like her daughter!! We have a good enough relationship for me to laugh at her when she says that.
It doesn't sound like you should leave him with her. She sounds very odd and your son obviously isn't happy there. Hope you manage to find alternative childcare.
Bathing with your own children is fine. We bath together sometimes and have done since DS was tiny. However, my own mother would consider this overstepping boundaries and my DH and I have both said we wouldn't be happy for MIL to bath with our son. Given her other behaviour I honestly find the idea concerning, especially when my own mother wouldn't have done that. When I mentioned it to my Health Visitor she questioned my MILs understanding/respect for boundaries.
I took dc to scans, it was allowed where we are and was no problem at all the dark room and different environment made them quieter.
I do not doubt for one second however she would be trying to brain wash a dc against you.
I too have had this - putting dc in daddy only based t's, trying to undermine me, always how wonderful daddy is. Like you OP I am an orphan, so we do not have my side shoring us up as it were.
There is already an "in" balance...
Its fine to bath with your GC IF you have asked the parents permisson and thats all ok in your household.
We had an incident long time ago where my DD " disclosed" that granny used to get in the bath with her"!
I was on the floor - astounded.
It was way over stepping boundaries but like you op, we just could not be sure that this actually happened.
If it did, I am not happy about it - but in my case fits with the same controlling, posseive maddness.
Op, we " exposed" our DD to her Gm for a long time, like you we thought, I thought.....its good for her to have regular contact as she has nothing on my side.
I have now totally changed my mind.
My DD never ever warmed to her, has only just started too years later. she never came back in a good mood, always quiet and shy and reserved, they never brought her on in anyway at all, no activities, or anything, they never took her anywhere - except local play park,....
it was all about MIL wanting to be in charge, be the star and serve her food.
We haver totally cut down contact now to a few times a year.
It used to be several times a month ( but never enough for her).
Even then, they use their time to ask mummy to ask if you can come back tomorrow, why don't we see you more, and now DD comes back sad.
I don't get on with them, they have been horrid to me and to DH, we had to say - why are we putting this small child who us used to us and our way of doing things, with a woman whom we both have major issues with?
My darling clementine it seems you know the life I lead. My MIL is completely selfish, it's all about her. She would consume our life if she could. She is needy and emotionally retarded. She likes to dominate at every occasion and has slagged me off publicly more times than I care to recount.
I can just about put up with that as I see her for the sad old bitch she is. However, if she starts to manipulate my children she will be denied all access.
It's sad my son hasn't got my lovely, normal, soft as a bun parents. I could trust them implicitly to do the rightbthing by my children. They would have adored him and spoilt him in all the right ways. It makes their absence so much harder to bear knowing MIL is not very nice and capable of hurting me and my son.
Good on you both for totally distancing yourself....it's something I long for x
Your MIL sounds colossally fucked-up.
I'd not leave my child with her alone.
"On a general point I always wonder why people seem to need to leave their kids for hours or overnight with mil or own parents"
To go somewhere as a couple
To have uninhibited sex without thinking about early mornings, tantrums and when the next meal is
To go somewhere where babies/toddlers would not enjoy
To give GP contact with their GC - most GP are lovely and it's enjoyable for both GC and GP to have a relationship that is separate and different from the relationship with their parents
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