Neighbour kid is annoying me! Help!

(161 Posts)
Momofthreeloudkids Wed 03-Jul-13 05:27:12

We just had new neighbours move in right beside us. The day they started moving in an adorable 9yr old boy walked into my house, introduced himself, proceeded to tell me how we will be seeing a lot of him. I thought it was cute at the time. I didn't even think to say something about it then because he's new and overly excited. I let it slide. (noted that keeping the doors locked would be a good idea incase he's used to just walking in on strangers)

I have a 2yr old boy, 3yr old girl and an 8yr old girl. My two toddlers keep me hopping as it is. We don't have play days everyday because its just too much. Anyways, this new child comes over about 10am the day after. No problem! My oldest girl was delighted to have a friend right next door. I was excited for her as well. Most of the morning was spent perfect. Then lunch time came around and I told him if he wanted to stay he was welcome but had to go home and ask his parents if it was okay. Not two minutes later he was back and his dad asks if I can watch him for a little while they have to run out. Uhhh... What?! You don't even know my name. We have not met before and that's the first thing you ask me? * mind boggled* Being neighbourly I say " sure, that's okay." So he stays for lunch. We continue playing outside. He starts fighting with my three year old daughter over every toy she has. I get that he's a single child but at 9 he should know how to share and not snatch. Yet every time I or my DH caught him he claimed she did it first.

Then dinner time rolled around ( take into consideration that I'm used to parents picking their children up before dinner. It's like an unwritten rule where I live). Parents didn't come over to get him. I tell him that he needs to go home for dinner. He says " My dad said I can stay for dinner too." Umm... Okay, I guess. So we have dinner. By now I'm thinking surely the parents will be calling him to come home. Nope, no such luck. At 7pm I finally shipped him home. Day one is over.

Day 2- ding dong. "Can I come in?" I tell him the girls are outback. It's a beautiful hot day. Not three minutes later he wants back inside the house. I tell him that we are only playing outside today because its so nice out. He pouts, I don't want to play outside blah blah blah. My kids enjoy all the time they can get outside. I stand my ground and ship him back outside. Then the battling with my three year old beings, I watch him take toys away from her and tell my oldest girl that he doesn't want to play with my 3yr old. My daughters are very close and my oldest ALWAYS includes my youngest. She's not happy he's acting like this. Then he starts doing anything to make my youngest cry. I try talking to him but he constantly talks over me while I'm trying to correct him. He argues EVERYTHING! I've even threatened to send him home and it doesn't make a difference. Then my DH and kids went out so I sent him home. Before leaving he spent 5mins arguing DH as to why he should be allow to go too. I'm in the house cleaning about 20 mins later and ding dong. I answer the door and its him. He wants to come in. I explain that I'm home alone and the kids are still out. He proceeds to beg, argue and offer to help me clean. After about two mins of saying No. I finally had to say "Go Home!" My husband pulls into the driveway and isn't even out of the car yet and he's at the car door. My DH tells him that we need to have lunch and will come over to invite him over when we are done. He begs, pleads, argues and wont leave. Finally we have to yet again tell him to go home. He doesn't take no for an answer, constantly arguing and talking over you. It's such strange behaviour for a 9yr old boy! As we are in the kitchen our daughters tell us that he's in the living room window telling her to tell her dad to let him come in. REALLY!? DH goes to the window and it takes three times saying no and to go home before he goes over to his house. After lunch I send my daughter over to invite him back. After all we said we would. Although by now we didn't really want to. He continues to pester my 3yr old every chance he gets and complains about playing outside instead of inside my house. He stayed till dinner and we sent him home. We had a late dinner around 630 so he didn't come back after.

Day 3 - the kids and I go outside in the morning. Not 5mins after he's here. I let him come into the yard to play. He starts asking to go inside. I tell him no, we are spending the day outside. He starts fighting with my three year old again, making her cry, whining and arguing about playing inside my home vrs outside. I'm not exaggerating when I say this kid argues with me about everything!!! The mom yells from her Deck she has something to do and will be back. didnt even ask my permission to leave her son. I may have three kids but that doesn't give people the right to assume I babysit theirs. he starts telling my oldest not to let my youngest onto the trampoline. Finally, I've had enough, my kids had enough... Time to tell him to go home. We go inside sad just to avoid having to play with him. Not an hour later he's back. I tell him we are busy and won't be able to play for the rest of the day. He whines , begs, keeps asking what we are doing that he can't do too. I keep telling him no, he has to go etc. Bot playing more today. He leaves. 30 mins later ding dong! He's back. Ugh! I tell him " I told you we aren't playing anymore today" .. He demands to know what we are doing that he can't do, he could just watch etc etc... No matter what I say is not getting through to him. Finally I had to say... "Please go home right now". He proceeds to tell me " this sucks!" I shut the door. One hour later ding dong! Really? You have got to be kidding me! Open the door and no one is there. Go to close the door and he jumps out from around the side of my house! "Did I scare you?" mind boggled I tell him that I've already told you we aren't playing anymore today. He now wants to know again what we are doing in our home. I don't feel I owe this child an explanation at all. I just say " we aren't playing everyday all day , we don't have friends over that much.I've already explained this to you. Stop coming back and go home." He pouts, still talking over me. Finally I say goodbye and shut the door. Not two hours later he's back! And says to me " I can't remember did you say all day they can't play." Gezz! I tell him " yes, all day." He says why? I repeat the other conversations. Again he's pouting, arguing, begging and again demanding to want to know what we are Doing that he can't. I said that we needed family time and now I was making dinner and the girls were playing together. Wrong answer! "Playing!? Why can't I join?" I tell him I'm sorry but I already told you we don't have friends over all the time and I've told you numerous times no more today. He begs, talks over me while I'm explaining and finally I just say goodbye and basically have to shut the door in this child's face cause he won't leave until I do! He got the message this time. He didn't come back. Until tomorrow I'm sure :s

I feel bad for him because he's in a new place, new house, new friends but my three year old is constantly being tormented by this boy and my 8yr old doesn't like that he's not nice to her sister. I have no idea what to do! I would appreciate any advice! Talking to him doesn't do a thing. I thought about talking to his parents but its only been three days. I'm scared to make enemies with the neighbours. After telling my husband all this he wants to go over and tell the parents he doesn't want their child at our house anymore. I don't know what to do. Thought I'd write here and maybe someone would have advice for me. Help please! sad

MammaTJ Wed 03-Jul-13 05:35:00

Try these words 'No, do not argue with me, this is my house, you need to go home'. Or maybe just go and get his arents to get him.

I really do not see myself ever being dictated to by some random 9 year old in my own home, or anywhere eles for that matter.

themaltesecat Wed 03-Jul-13 05:35:18

Not your problem. The happiness of your little girls IS your concern, however.

I'd let his parents know that he is not welcome at your home and is harassing you and your family. If it doesn't stop, involve social services.

MammaTJ Wed 03-Jul-13 05:35:25

Clearly I meant Parents. I have no clue what arents are. grin

themaltesecat Wed 03-Jul-13 05:37:55

And bugger this "I'm scared to make enemies of the neighbours" stuff. He's bullying your tiny little girl, who's barely out of babyhood. You need to be a bitch-tits about this right now.

BoundandRebound Wed 03-Jul-13 05:43:10

Tell parents ground rules and expectations and do it today

Do not try to be nice and accommodating, be firm

StupidFlanders Wed 03-Jul-13 05:46:31

I'd approach the parents and say really casually that he keeps coming round as if you think they don't know and you're filling them in. Follow with we don't have visitors much, I'll send dd round to get him if its ever suitable. Big smile, walk away.

MakeGlutenFreeHay Wed 03-Jul-13 05:52:31

Do not engage. Say no firmly, close door. I also think it's worth talking to the parents - nip the liberty-taking in the bud right now.

sweetsummerlove Wed 03-Jul-13 06:06:56

id love to know where they have moved from- its clearly a magical land where every body is safe, and has no commitments so everyone just offers free babysitting.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 03-Jul-13 06:09:15

You do need to talk to the parents, because part of this is about them as well. I mean, putting aside the fact that they've not instilled decent social boundaries in him, they've sent him over to yours, and GONE OUT, twice in two days? Without asking you, or introducing themselves?

You can approach it nicely - hi, thought I'd introduce myself so you know your son was in good hands the other day BUT... and then just tell them. It's completely and utterly ridiculous.

Momofthreeloudkids Wed 03-Jul-13 06:16:05

Thank you all for your replies! I appreciate all your advice. I agree my daughter is my priority and I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt her. I'm just confused by this child, parents and situation. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I'm not good with confrontations. I think I'll let DH tackle the parent chat. You all made me feel much better.

Lol magical land! DH and I discussed that the first day they left him with us. Not knowing our names or anything! We live in a small town but that doesn't mean we couldn't be horrible people. Of course we aren't but that's besides the point. They come from the city and its amazing to me that they wouldn't be more protective.

TheRealFellatio Wed 03-Jul-13 06:19:22

I agree with Tortoise. It's awkward but I don't see a way out of this without things getting a whole lot worse. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get.

The parents must be very odd. Please let us know the outcome of your husband's visit <nosy>

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 03-Jul-13 06:27:39

I'm wondering, given that his behaviour is so unusual, whether he has some kind of social communication disorder.

However, even if this were the case, you have the absolute right to decide the limits of contact with him.

I feel a bit sorry for him, as you do, but his parents are taking the piss.

Swallowing Wed 03-Jul-13 06:31:48

He does sound annoying, but I am sure that as soon as he makes some new friends locally he won't be so demanding of your time. I feel a little sorry for him, he sounds lonely. However you don't actually have to engage with him, or give him reasons, just say you can't play right now.

WeleaseWodger Wed 03-Jul-13 06:40:54

I would march him back to his house and tell the parent what you have said on here. He harasses your 3 year old, he argues with adults and refuses to leave. You will not tolerate a child behaving like this in your home and because you don't know him, you also aren't comfortable disciplining him. Suggest you try again in a few months after he's had a chance to settle in.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 03-Jul-13 06:42:28

I know a child who has bothered neighbours for years, wandering the streets, inviting themsleves in for food. I'd class this child as suffering from neglect ( services have been involved afaik)

D0oinMeCleanin Wed 03-Jul-13 06:47:06

We had similar for a while with a new neighbour dd1 brought home from the park (she brings stray children home more often than she brings stray jack russels home)

There was one day where she arrived on the morning and did not go home until 9pm the next day.

Once she started the local school and made some new friends in the area it calmed down. We don't see much of her now.

ratbagcatbag Wed 03-Jul-13 06:53:10

Hmmmm tough one, I used to want to be anywhere but home as my home life was so awful, but even I'm sure I wasn't that persistent. grin

I would just be blunt with him, I'm sorry you upset my daughter despite being told not too and you talk over me,I'm not prepared to have you over at all, I'd try and scope out home life to be fair too, you don't knowif you going round would cause more issues for him, thinking back if someone had of visited my parents with a similar statement I would have been beaten black and blue, for no doubt ruining my dads chances of watching the footy uninterrupted. sad

Mimishimi Wed 03-Jul-13 06:55:45

You need to talk to his parents and let them know this is not on. From the sounds of it, he probably exhausts them too and they've found a convenient (for them) solution ... "why don't you go and play with the kids next door?"

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 03-Jul-13 06:59:51

Mimi

You could be right.

SuperiorCat Wed 03-Jul-13 07:16:00

Time to get tough. Tell him that he can only come and play if he plays nicely, and any sign of being mean to your DD and you send him home. And follow through.

If he argues back tell him he's nasty to your daughter so not welcome to play.

MumnGran Wed 03-Jul-13 07:16:32

Obviously a difficult spot to be in, as no-one wants to create difficulties with new neighbours however ......
Whilst there could be many reasons for the behaviours, none of them are your responsibility to deal with, and your own family life and values take absolute priority. I think a tactful word from your DH to the neighbours is sound, but I would keep it as non-critical as possible ......i.e three children are difficult enough to manage, and therefore we rarely like to have additions.

However, in direct contact with the child, it would seem you have to suspend the normal rules of interaction, and stop being polite. Open the door, don't even wait for the question before saying "No" ,and closing it!
As a previous poster has said, as soon as you engage in any way you are seemingly giving a green light in the child's mind. I have a DD with ASD and although I would never have allowed such behaviour, I can see a situation where she would have found any engagement as a conversation which was OK to continue - because she did not understand the mixed signals which politeness can often give.

Don't be tempted to give an inch, though, because in this sort of situation it will probably just start the whole process off again. Rightly or wrongly, he needs to not see the inside of your house (or garden!) again.

kickassangel Wed 03-Jul-13 07:19:23

At 9 he is old enough not to argue back. Tell him no, don't give a reason. Just say you said no and that's the answer. If he tries to argue say he will not be welcome for the next 24 hours unless he stops arguing. Then do it.

It's up to you whether you want to try and teach him how to share and play with your dcs, but you will actually have to get in there and model the behaviour. Every time he does/says something you don't like, you have to stop him, and say noX, here we would ...
It's exhausting, and not your job, but if you want him to play with your dd's you need to teach him your rules.

It sounds like the parents basically ignore him, so you have effectively just gained a new son, congratulations! How much you want to take on is your dexcision, but decide now and be consistent, e.g half a day each day etc. you don't have to accept this, but I suspect you will find him playing outside alone, looking mournfully at your house.

Any other kids you can introduce him to? Share him around a little?

ChasedByBees Wed 03-Jul-13 07:31:35

Wow! Agree with everyone here - you need to set ground rules ASAP. It will be much harder to do once this behaviour is the 'norm'. The parents are being arses by the way - they haven't checked whether its bothering you (and let's face it, someone you don't know permanently in your house is going to be annoying even if they were delightful). You are going to have to push back.

ISeeSmallPeople Wed 03-Jul-13 07:32:21

We had neighbours with children like that. They would bang on our windows, or walk in to our house if we left the door open even just for a minute to bring something in from the car. The parents were really nice normal people, but just did very little to control their children.

We moved.

weisswusrt Wed 03-Jul-13 07:57:32

You need a peephole!

dubstarr73 Wed 03-Jul-13 10:15:00

Theres no point in engaging wit the child go straight to the parents.Dont give exscuses just say you cant manage any more children and just tell them you will invite him around when convenient.

FrenchJunebug Wed 03-Jul-13 10:21:39

Why are you talking to the little boy?! it's his parents you should have a word with!

saulaboutme Wed 03-Jul-13 10:55:54

What WeleaseWodger said.

Ds has a friend like this, a girl, what a fucking nightmare she is.

Anyhoo... Just keep saying no, and stop giving him reasons why!!!

saulaboutme Wed 03-Jul-13 10:58:01

Btw OP your post fascinated me!

Sorry but what a pain in the arse!

Hmmkay Wed 03-Jul-13 11:05:13

shock I'd be switching off the doorbell.

Stop giving him reasons as to why he can't play round. He doesn't need explanations.

"XX I said no, you are not playing today and that is final, go home"

I had to learn this the hard way. grin

I think you need to be firm with him and his parents. Tell them all that in the few days you have let the boy into your home he has been badly behaved, argumentative, demanding, and bullying your youngest child. You have told him numerous times that he must stop his behaviour to your youngest, but as he has not respected your wishes, he can no longer come over to play. You dont want him bullying your children in their homes, and you dont want him there to argue with you and talk back at you.

Tell his parents you will not let him play at yours, and you will not accept them leaving him with you to go off and do errands. He is not your responsibility, but your daughters happyness is.

At 9, he is old enough to be told it as it is.

kerala Wed 03-Jul-13 11:21:34

You are much nicer than I would be. I don't think you should let him in at all as he and the parents clearly have no boundaries so saying yes some of the time gives a mixed message. Also arguing with a 9 year old no way polite but firm not today thank you door shut. Also why any concern about how they might feel they obviously don't give two hoots about your feelings. This whole scenario makes me shudder have a dread of hangers on who wont leave.

kerala Wed 03-Jul-13 11:33:40

Also totally disagree with above poster you would need nerves of steel to go around to a strangers house and criticise their child plus it would poison future relations and they are neighbours. I would channel Mary poppins be clear assertive friendly but firm. Go around and say it doesn't work for your family to have visitors at the moment. Don't apologise don't explain the maintain this approach.

kerala Wed 03-Jul-13 11:43:01

Also your girls need to see you being strong and assertive and standing up for them. Letting a child into their home who is unkind to them to appease strangers or to "avoid confrontation" isn't a great message to be giving out.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Jul-13 11:43:04

I think they marked you out as a grade A muggins from day 1.

you need to tell them to back off otherwise I predict that they will royally take the piss forevermore.

freddiefrog Wed 03-Jul-13 11:50:26

We had problems with our neighbour's 4 kids and just had to get tough

I don't want them round here all the time, so I just refuse to let them in. Their behaviour isn't great, the house gets trashed, and I just don't want 6 kids (when only 2 of then are mine) in my house. We have a lovely area out the front where they can all play together on their bikes/scooters/whatever, so unless the weather is awful, they don't come in.

I don't give excuses, just 'no, not today' then I close the door. Repeated knocking gets ignored. They used to argue and the top thing that really pissed me off was 'but my mummy said it was ok', so I just don't give them the chance now

They also get sent straight home at the first sign of any bad behaviour

EDMNWiganSalfordandBlackpool Wed 03-Jul-13 11:52:02

Gosh we had this but the boy was five, got to the point me and dc were hiding in the house if we could hear him. He broke the glass in the door because we didn't answer it.

Its not normal behaviour. I know lots of only children and none are like this!

NatashaBee Wed 03-Jul-13 11:57:20

I agree, you need to go straight to the parents. If you think you could put up with him once a week then just tell them he's welcome to pop by on Saturday afternoons and you'll send him home at dinner time.

imnotmymum Wed 03-Jul-13 11:58:46

OK just sometimes have to be blunt it will be OK I promise just talk to parents and child and stand your ground. That said it may not work (experience of a random 8 year old peeping around the patio door constantly...) but just keep going and telling him to bugger off (in child friendly language grin

mistlethrush Wed 03-Jul-13 12:10:05

Next door's twins were round playing in the garden with DS - and came in and asked if they could make buns. I said they'd have to go home and ask their mum if they could make buns so off they popped. They came back saying that their mum had agreed that they could make buns with me. I told them that, if they wanted to make buns, they would have to do it in their kitchen with their ingredients and their mum, I didn't have time or the ingredients to make them with them. They went back outside and continued playing with DS grin

imnotmymum Wed 03-Jul-13 12:11:56

mistle grin

SlimePrincess Wed 03-Jul-13 12:22:18

If it's this bad after three days imagine what it will be like in a few weeks or months. Nip it in the bud now before he turns up with his suitcases.

cfc Wed 03-Jul-13 12:48:52

Jesus, OP, you've the patience of a fecking saint!

Are you in the States?

Anyway, the parents obviously have some balls on them. Agree you need to nip this in the bud. Now, if only I could take my own advice!

xylem8 Wed 03-Jul-13 12:51:49

Just say no every time he calls .Don't give reasons or engage in conversation.

shewhowines Wed 03-Jul-13 13:14:16

I don't think you need to talk to the parents yet.

Children know there are different rules in different places and with different people. You just need to teach him yours.

Say he can play for 30 mins (at first and build the duration up, over a period of time if all goes well). Explain that he must include DD2 and if he doesn't then he will be sent home. Carry through. Do not budge on the time you say, even if it has all gone well. He need to learn that you mean what you say.

Be consistent, do not engage, just say "these are my rules and if you don't like them then you must go home)

It's worth giving it a go, as you might be the lifeline he needs, but not to the detriment of your own family. Do not involve the parents unless you want to cut off all contact and stop him coming round full stop.
Good luck

MerryMarigold Wed 03-Jul-13 13:25:44

Bless. He sounds exhausting, but he's still a kid, and possibly has some SN combined with being an only child. It's the parents I'm a bit hmm about.

I think what I would do is set one day per week where he can come and play, say from 4-6 after school. He knows that is 'his' day and other days are not. I would speak to his parents about this so they know too. It's the only way to have a clear boundary. I would also say, "When you are in my house these are the rules..." - being kind to your 3yr old being one of them. "If you can't stick to the rules, you will need to go home." You may need to do that once or twice so that he knows you mean business in your house.

MerryMarigold Wed 03-Jul-13 13:26:31

I mean, you may need to send him home once or twice if he breaks a rule.

LingDiLong Wed 03-Jul-13 13:27:48

Go and see the parents! It doesn't have to be confrontational. Take a bottle of wine or a pot plant as a welcoming present, tell them their son is lovely but could they please ask him not to call round all the time. Either that or frighten the crap out of them, tell them you're so pleased you've got new neighbours who are happy to share babysitting and give them a date to have your THREE children for 12 hours (or however much it was that their child was at yours). Explain that's how it works round there, if you have someone's child over then the other parents reciprocates.

mistlethrush Wed 03-Jul-13 13:30:33

Thanks Merry, for lumping my DS in with this child because he is an only child. I am absolutely fed up with people jumping to conclusions because a child has no siblings. My son is only recently 8 but there is absolutely no way that he would think it appropriate to talk back to an adult in their own home like this. He knows that no is no and he wouldn't keep on pushing. He is also great with small children and loves involving them - and looks out for them too. So please do not think this is anything to do with being an only child as it isn't. angry

MerryMarigold Wed 03-Jul-13 13:32:06

grin at LingDiLong's idea of reciprocative babysitting!

But seriously, the first part is great. Yes, I don't think it needs to be a confrontation. A friendly, welcome to the neighbourhood and then, "We were thinking Wednesday afternoon would be a good time for x to come round and play for a couple of hours."

You need to take him back home and explain to him and his parents that he is welcome to come over on x day at x time and not before. I'd make it the next week.
The parents sound like they are enjoying your hospitality a little too much.

MerryMarigold Wed 03-Jul-13 13:37:47

Sorry, mistle. I don't think ALL only children are like this, and you've clearly done a very good job of parenting. However, I think there are certain kids who have these tendencies and without siblings it is hard to parent it out of them. My ds2 would certainly struggle with this kind of behaviour if he was an only child.

mistlethrush Wed 03-Jul-13 13:56:27

Sorry Merry, you got it in the neck there - just had a horrendous year 1 at school where "We see this a lot in only children" kept on being bandied about - the fact that they weren't describing the child that I knew was also somewhat worrying and biased me against anyone that thinks you can pigeonhole 'only children'. They were actually describing behaviour of a 5 - 6 yo with any number of siblings ... it still wasn't mine and they had just about worked that out by the end of the year. Luckily year 2 and 3 have been much better!!!

Squitten Wed 03-Jul-13 14:16:02

If you want this boy to be able to come and play then give him a set time and stick to it. If he shows up at your door at 9am or whatever, tell him that this is not the time that you agreed and he needs to go home and come back at the right time. If he refuses or argues with you, take him back to his front door yourself and inform his parents that he has not been invited over and that he is refusing to listen to you so you thought you would tell them instead. Keep doing it until either he or they learn!!

MerryMarigold Wed 03-Jul-13 15:34:56

I can't believe they got your child mixed up, mistle!

Do feel a bit sorry for this boy, who clearly wants to play with other kids and interact with people (sounds like his parents don't really want to interact with him if he'd rather watch someone else cleaning shock) but has very few boundaries (as do his parents).

CruCru Wed 03-Jul-13 15:41:45

I had this growing up. The girl next door would come round sometimes five times a day. She was the youngest of five.

WaitingIsWhatIDo Wed 03-Jul-13 15:53:18

We have this with next door, well similar. The kids hang over the fence all day. We end up all coming in to avoid them. Tbh if they ring the door, I don't answer. Not that they are bad kids but the mum has no social boundaries and they would never go home. When we first lived next door, had the same thing, mum always trying to dump them off on me or get me to run one to school etc. one day she overstepped the mark, I had pmt and was having a tough time with my toddler who I now know is autistic and I basically lost the plot and told her stop taking the piss.

SaucyJack Wed 03-Jul-13 16:48:59

I wouldn't be feeling too bad for him if I were you. He sounds like a horrid little boy. Hardly surprising his parents are more than delighted to pack him off round to yours every day.

Still18atheart Wed 03-Jul-13 16:59:19

Have you spoken to his parents! Could you go round to theirs and do the usual welcome to the neighbourhood type thing and casually bring it up.

ovenbun Wed 03-Jul-13 17:00:57

Oh no, poor you...sounds a bit of a nightmare....perhaps you could have a clear rule and say to him its nice that he wants to vitsit but explain you need family time and that you allow neighbours round mondays and wednesdays (or similar)...if he argues i would say 'actually in our family we do things this way..' I would chat to his parents to...welcome to the neighbourhood but we have family time most days...
I know I've not seen this child but this type of clingy/aggressive behaviour screams attachment disorder at me...

formicadinosaur Wed 03-Jul-13 17:11:18

Answer the door the fist time it rings and say 'not playing today' then shut door. Do not discus or argue. Don't engage in conversation. Then don't answer he door at all. Ignore ignore ignore.

Don't allow him in the house unless he can behave. If you are happy to have him play, tell him he can only come in if he does what you say fist time without arguing and plays nicely with the little one. Remove him from the house as soon as he is naughty straight away. You need to set firm boundaries and at the moment he is used to getting his own way.

Flicktheswitch Wed 03-Jul-13 17:19:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MintyChops Wed 03-Jul-13 17:23:07

OP you sound very patient and kind and the new neighbours are totally taking advantage of your good nature. Agree with those saying set boundaries, e.g. You may come for an hour on Wed or whenever suits you and lay out your rules: no being unkind to dd2, no answering back etc. Return to his parents at the first hint of trouble and immediately if they yell that they are going out "here's x, you clearly couldn't mean to leave him with me while you go out". You will have to get tough or these people will take the piss. Let us know how you get on, horrible situation.

formicadinosaur Wed 03-Jul-13 17:24:19

No empty threats. Just remove him straight away for bad behaviour.

Tell him he can come and play every Thursday only at 3.30pm. Don't answer any demands.

MintyChops Wed 03-Jul-13 17:26:07

Oh and don't engage in any discussion/reasoning with him. No. Just that. Perhaps no, it doesn't suit us today if you are feeling charitable. End of conversation, close door.

FederationPresidentBarryFife Wed 03-Jul-13 17:30:39

OP you have been very patient. Talk to his parents and I like the idea of having set "calling hours" where he is welcome.

BTW: Did someone upthread seriously suggest calling Social Services about this? What an insane overreaction surely??? What is this strange trend for jumping in with "call the police" "call social services" it is so ODD.

HeffalumpTheFlump Wed 03-Jul-13 17:33:05

My blood pressure went up reading your post! Well done for staying so calm!

From what you have said about him and his parents I would say its a safe assumption to say he's getting very little attention at home. He sounds desperate for people to play with and interaction with your family. However sad that is, it's not fair on you or your daughters to have this boy over all the time.

His parents seem pretty neglectful IMO. I think you are going to have to forget about upsetting the neighbours and be clear with them that their child is being a nuisance. Repeatedly coming over after you have been clear that he is not welcome can only be dealt with by speaking to the parents. It's their job to stop him.

mumofthemonsters808 Wed 03-Jul-13 17:43:51

I think you have been very patient and kind with this little boy, now is the time to be very firm, no discussions, you are the adult who sets the rules, do not be dictated to in your own home. He will eventually get the message, in the meantime you will feel terrible about excluding him, but he is not your responsibility.

It is only child like to push boundaries and over step the mark, if you give a child an inch they take a yard.

digerd Wed 03-Jul-13 18:04:21

I still have his words in my head when he first introduced himself "and you'll be seeing a lot of me" - he was warning you that this is how it will be shock. Seemingly he has had years of practice.

EDMNWiganSalfordandBlackpool Wed 03-Jul-13 18:08:47

"and you'll be seeing a lot of me" What nine year old says that! Its weird.

well i think you're well within your rights to ban him straight out.

but if you want to keep some sort of relationship going then have him round once every week or two with a very clear end time. call him on bad behaviour and explain very clearly that he has to be kind to your dd or he's straight out the door. stick to it.

what a nightmare!

SlimePrincess Wed 03-Jul-13 18:14:16

What's today been like, OP? How many times has he been to your door? grin

Pimpf Wed 03-Jul-13 18:16:00

Usual mn reply, no is a complete sentence. Stop engaging in a conversation with him, no is good enough

cocolepew Wed 03-Jul-13 18:17:42

Good grief you have the patience of a saint!
Speak to the patents, learn to close the door in his face and don't engage with him.

Pinkflipflop Wed 03-Jul-13 18:19:44

Do not encourage this boy to hang around your house.

You will be plagued

There is no law that neighbours have to allow each others children to run in and out of ther house!

LookingForwardToMarch Wed 03-Jul-13 18:32:56

To be honest his parents sound like they don't give two shits about him, no wonder he wants to hang round with a normal loving family.

None of that is your responsibilty ofcourse and you shouldnt have to have him all day every day.

Can't help feeling sorry for the kid though, sounds annoying, but he is only 9.

It does seem like very odd behaviour from him, though I have seen something similar from neglected kids I've met.

It's like they cotton on that there are nice people,
and when they find them they hound then relentlessly.

Momofthreeloudkids Wed 03-Jul-13 20:49:19

He came to our house once today but my parents were babysitting for me. My mom told him that when she's babysitting no friends allowed. He didn't argue with her or anything. She did comment how strange it was for a child to ask through my open livingroom window instead of knocking on the door. It's about 4hrs since my mom said he came by. Maybe he found new friends and we will get off easy! * Wishful thinking * I'll keep you all posted. smile Thanks everyone for the help, advice and support!

Someone asked if I was in the states. I'm In Canada.

Dubjackeen Wed 03-Jul-13 21:44:37

I am smiling re what your mum said, I have done that, in the past, when babysitting.
Hopefully, he will make friends, and stop pestering you anyway. The parents are taking the p1ss, leaving him with you, when they are new to the area and don't even know you. Definitely, do not engage, a firm No, and door closed, no room for further arguments.

Momofthreeloudkids Thu 04-Jul-13 00:23:54

He has come to our door three times now. Within a two hour span. First two times I did not engage. "No" shut the door. This third time I said " if the girls want to play they will come over and invite you to our house." He starts trying to talk over me and give his excuses "I'm bored" etc and I stopped him " Listen to me! (Not yelling but stern) If you are allowed to come over you will be invited but you must stop coming to the door over and over. It's becoming too much now"

For the first time I didn't have to shut the door in his face! He actually turned away and walked down the steps! Lets hope this is a victory smile

CrabbyBigBottom Thu 04-Jul-13 01:02:33

Good God about time! I would have done that the first time he came back to my door after upsetting my child and talking back to me!

Well done, don't budge and don't let him and his parents walk all over you.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 04-Jul-13 01:19:46

Your husband is going over there today to talk to the parents, is he?

Momofthreeloudkids Thu 04-Jul-13 01:48:19

Yes, he will be going over to speak with his dad after he gets off work. Hopefully within the hour.

Startail Thu 04-Jul-13 01:50:18

Keep up the good work OP.

Training bored lonely DCs to come only at agreed times is worth it.

I feel terribly sorry for the little girl who used to live next door, she was dumped on extended family who really can't cope with her.

But her pouncing to play the second we drive in the gate drive me nuts and DD2 doesn't always want to play. You have to be firm.

Otherwise it will end in tears, probably yours.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 04-Jul-13 01:50:54

Good work all of you! My jaw was on the floor reading your OP, so you're doing brilliantly.

Thepursuitofhappiness Thu 04-Jul-13 04:32:49

How did the conversation with parents go OP?

Momofthreeloudkids Thu 04-Jul-13 04:58:10

My husband thinks its to late to go over. He just got home from work. It's almost 10pm here. Try again tomorrow I guess. * sigh *

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 04-Jul-13 06:11:15

Yeah, that is too late in anyone's book. Tomorrow!

pinkyredrose Thu 04-Jul-13 18:54:09

Any update OP, did he come back today?

HenriettaPye Thu 04-Jul-13 19:08:22

I kinda feel sorry for the child. I think it's quite clear he gets little attention at home. However I can see that isn't your problem OP, and you have enough to do with your own children and don't need another hanging around all day!

Momofthreeloudkids Thu 04-Jul-13 21:06:44

I caved today. He was trying to peep through my closed blinds because I was ignoring the door. I opened the door with every intention to tell him "No" and ask him not to peep in my windows. However, he looked so sad. My mommy radar told me something isn't right. I tried talking to him but he wasn't divulging anything. We invited him to play in the yard. He was here for three hours before I sent him home for lunch. He wasn't the same little boy as he has been. He was sad, quiet, didn't argue about anything! (Which is all he's done in the past) Asked to play inside when I said no he just said "ok". I corrected him once while playing with my youngest daughter. I took the advice from here and told him of he can't play nice with her he can't come over anymore. Shockingly all he said was "I'm sorry." I don't know what to make of this little boy and now I'm thinking of holding off on talking to his parents. Something isn't quite right with him.

Trust your instincts, as annoying as it can be for a child to want to be away from home that much alarm bells would be ringing for me. We had this with a neighbours kids who used to slip upstairs to our dd's room if the front door was left open for a second. There were drug abuse and domestic violence issues with the family.

HenriettaPye Thu 04-Jul-13 21:17:20

See that was what I thought- there must b a reason he doesn't want to be in his own house. He maybe feels safe with you, even though that's unfair on you.

Hard situation to be in

ChasedByBees Thu 04-Jul-13 21:19:01

Poor little thing. Not a fun situation for you though. sad

Momofthreeloudkids Thu 04-Jul-13 21:30:23

I'm hoping its nothing serious but something wasn't right. I'm gonna use the advice I've been given, have more patience and see how it goes from here. My DDs are going on holidays with their grandparents tomorrow for a week. Yay for only one child at home! smile Give me a break not only from mine but from the neighbour as well.

CrabbyBigBottom Sat 06-Jul-13 00:04:04

Just don't put up with the rudeness, bossiness and unpleasantness towards your DD. If you're firm with him he'll probably behave himself and maybe you'll find out what's going on with his family. Don't let him walk all over you all though, like he did the first couple of days!

NatashaBee Sat 06-Jul-13 00:15:33

Do you know which school he goes to? Could you speak to someone there? That way, they'd be able to put your concerns together with any they may have themselves.

Momofthreeloudkids Sat 06-Jul-13 16:58:21

They just moved to our town. He won't be enrolled in school until September.

blondefriend Sat 06-Jul-13 20:16:55

Poor little lad. I'm afraid my instinct is that something isn't right at home. And to the person who said that phoning social services is an overreaction - I am usually totally in agreement, people do phone SS without any real justification and have been put in that position myself but leaving a child with strangers for hours is akin to leaving them home alone. How do you know they're not about to go out? If your neighbour left their 9 year old outside on the road for hours would you not call professional help - I would!

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:21:28

ffs, i was sympathetic to your post until i read your fucking reference to the kid being a brat because he was single, ffs, such fucking type cast bullshit angry

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:21:58

*i meant a single child, too pissed off to type properly and haven't bothered to read the rest of the post

Slainte Sat 06-Jul-13 20:27:40

Yes, the single child reference is sticking in my craw too.

Sheshelob Sat 06-Jul-13 20:32:21

Why? I don't think she meant any harm by it.

Sparklingbrook Sat 06-Jul-13 20:32:57

We have a bit of this but not on your scale Mom. The child in question is so thick skinned and unaware of what they are doing it's baffling.

if my 2 say they aren't playing the child sits at the end of the drive waiting, or shouts through the open windows.

I would just draw the line and say no more. He would be better going to find some boys to play with that are his own age.

Klingyston Sat 06-Jul-13 20:33:08

Don't be ridiculous, of course an only child is more likely to come round than one with siblings - he wants other children to play with

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:34:12

i finished reading it out of curiosity..he sounds like a bloody nightmare but am hurt tbh that you attribute it to him not having any siblings. dd doesn't (obviously..) and ain't NOTHING like that. either a/ his parents are crap parents and have over endulged him/he is very lonely thus fitting the stereo typical description of an 'only' or b/ something dodgy going on in his home or c/possibly somekind of special needs? eitherway, it's not your responsibility, i'd back right off although i do feel sorry for him and you :-(

Sparklingbrook Sat 06-Jul-13 20:34:13

I thought that Klingy is that wrong? confused

Slainte Sat 06-Jul-13 20:36:00

Actually the reference to being a single child was I get that he's a single child but at 9 he should know how to share and not snatch. Nothing to do with him coming around because he has no siblings.

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:36:20

kling bollocks! whilst that would certainly be right for alot of 'only' kids, not all. how do i know? because i have one fucking dd and she (forunately) LOVES her own company. i would invite kids round here and there but i am lucky as it has never been a problem. your post really fucks me off, very small minded.

hermioneweasley Sat 06-Jul-13 20:36:47

The sudden change in behaviour is worrying - I wonder if he's had grief from his parents for being home too much?

I think it might be worth a chat with them anyway - need to specify that they can't just leave him with you and go out without checking first, at least.

Sparklingbrook Sat 06-Jul-13 20:37:53

The only children of the male variety round here are always knocking looking for others to play footy with.

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:38:29

i hate the implication that children with no siblings are lonely and thus unhappy. i hate a chip on my shoulder, i know because i couldn't have anymore children so i hate reading anything that labels 'only' children in a negative way, i can't help the way i feel especially as i have not experienced that with my dd

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:38:48

*i have......

Sheshelob Sat 06-Jul-13 20:39:49

Winter, I think you are being a little over sensitive about the only child thing. I have one DC and it genuinely didn't bother me.

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:40:17

if you love football you would need someone else to play with. dd loves reading and other things that don't require company, thank the lord otherwise it would make my inability to reproduce all the more painful

Sparklingbrook Sat 06-Jul-13 20:41:04

I would imagine some only children look for company and others don't the same as adults do. I have no experience of only girls, just the team sport boy thing.

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:42:07

you are right, i am overly sensitive on the subject, hands up there but having ttc for 8 years has damaged me emotionally on the subject or anything to do with it. besides, 'onlies' often get bollocked here on MN by mothers who completed their family, i have noticed this, lots of opinions on mothers with just the one

Sparklingbrook Sat 06-Jul-13 20:42:20

I had a brother but still went out looking for others to play with growing up.

Sheshelob Sat 06-Jul-13 20:42:27

Sorry - x-post, winter.

I'm sorry you can't have more kids, winter, but I think jumping all over a thread because someone makes a throw away comment about only children is a bit over the top. It says more about your own worries about having one child than what other people think. Your daughter sounds great. Why not just focus on the positive rather than look for criticism everywhere?

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:48:50

i know shesh just senstive, especially at the moment on the subject. ignore me, lets' get back to OP's post. sounds like a really difficult situation. sounds like there is more to it than is obvious, sounds like an unhappy kid, fancy begging to come in :-( instead of going home

Sheshelob Sat 06-Jul-13 20:52:24

I can understand, winter. I hope things get better for you, as your daughter sounds lovely.

smile

wintertimeisfun Sat 06-Jul-13 20:53:34

thank you :-)

Momofthreeloudkids Sat 06-Jul-13 21:15:10

Sheesh! All I said is I understood he was a single child but that a 9yr old should know how to share with a three year old. If anything I was trying to come up with a reason for why he can't get along with a three year old. Maybe he's not used to playing with younger children, maybe he spends a lot of time alone .. Etc. I never once said a single child is a brat or more likely to be bad. I think you are reading too much into an innocent comment.

Momofthreeloudkids Sat 06-Jul-13 21:22:17

Before this post offends anyone - I am only speaking in regards to my neighbour child not anyone else's child.

SybilRamkin Mon 08-Jul-13 14:50:39

Any update, OP? Is did he come round on Sunday? Or have you spoken to/seen his parents?

Momofthreeloudkids That's the internet community all over isn't it! I have an only child, and am perplexed that certain MNers have their blood boiling over such a throwaway comment. Bloody hell.

Pour a glass of wine and sit out in the sun for a bit, you might gain a sense of perspective. Here wine

Momofthreeloudkids Wed 10-Jul-13 02:08:50

We have decided not to talk to the parents about him for now. I'm going to try seeing how things go and use all the advice here. See if i change how i handle things if it'll help him change his behaviour. My DDs are not back from holidays yet so I've only had to deal with him once. He came to the door to tell me it was his birthday and that his teenage sister just moved in with him. Guess he's not a single child after all. Which I found confusing because when I asked him he had no brothers or sisters. : / He was pretty excited to tell me this and left. Hope things go better after my girls get home. lol Singingsilver ill take that wine if no1 else has claimed it! smile

shewhowines Wed 10-Jul-13 08:47:26

Perhaps its a step sister. Perhaps it's a new relationship next door and he's been feeling pushed out. It sounds an unheallthy dynamic next door, whatever the set up is.

I'd say perservere and keep strong boundaries. You may become the one consistent bright spot in what seems a sad life. I think you are right to keep the parents out of it and establish your own relationship with him. Kids often behave differently for different people. Just give what you can to him, but not to the detriment of your own family life.

sweetiepie1979 Wed 10-Jul-13 16:26:25

I'd distance yourself as much as you can. There'll be trouble ahead. I wouldn't like the idea of any kid round my house all day and parents not been in house and met me properly. All sounds a bit weird.

Momofthreeloudkids Sat 13-Jul-13 00:56:48

I told him today that he's not allowed to play here anymore and sent him home. I really wanted to try but this child just doesn't listen and I'm not allowing him to bully my 3yr old any longer. I warned him once not to kick or hit my child. He claims he was just pretending. I told him we don't pretend hit at our house. (Ive had this talk with him before) Then my oldest daughter tells me he was telling her not to let my youngest play with them again. No more warnings, no more trying, he's just repeating the same behaviours no matter what I do or say.

AgentZigzag Sat 13-Jul-13 01:18:39

You're completely right to protect your 3 YO, even though the lads behaviour does sound a bit worrying.

There's a 7 year gap between my DD1 and DD2 (who's 3 YO now) (it was a long wait, but there is hope wintertimeisfun), and although there are times when DD1's forgotten she's not with other 12 YO's, she'd never do anything spiteful to DD2, or any other 3 YO for that matter. And the same could be said of her at 9 YO too.

As difficult as it is, you've got to be hard OP. Your DD is just a baby really, that other children can be cruel is too harsh a lesson for her to learn at such a young age, bless her.

pleiadianpony Sat 13-Jul-13 01:23:00

Massive alarm bells ringing. Boundaries now. This will only get worse. Very worried for this little boy. You will have to have an absolute NO to play dates. Tell the parents he can't come round while your 3yo is there. You know nothing about this family and they are clearly not functioning well.

pleiadianpony Sat 13-Jul-13 01:24:45

This child needs some kind of intervention before he becomes dangerous.

AgentZigzag Sat 13-Jul-13 01:46:23

Might just be me nitpicking pleia, but dangerous??

He's got maybe fewer social skills than your average 9 YO lad, but that doesn't make him a potential risk to society as a whole.

Momofthreeloudkids Sat 13-Jul-13 01:47:01

My oldest is 8 and gets very upset about how he treats her sister. There's no reason this boy shouldn't listen to my repeated corrections on his behaviour. I let it go far too long already. He's great with my oldest but my youngest he completely dislikes and doesn't want around. That makes me not want him playing with my 8yr old even when my 3yr old isn't around.

My DH doesn't want to deal with the parents. He thinks that if they want to know why their child is no longer allowed here they can come ask. Until then he's telling me to just tell him he's not allowed here every time he comes back. Thoughts? Good idea or bad?

I didn't want to put this on here. I hate to seem judgemental but my husband thinks the mom is a heavy drinker. On his way to work one morning the mom was sitting on her steps , held up a beer and said good morning. Ever since my DH has decided they're probably heavy drinkers and a talk with them won't help.

Homebird8 Sat 13-Jul-13 02:09:20

I think your approach is sensible. Regardless of what your DH thinks might be the reason, you have put your own children and family dynamic first. This little boy is not your responsibility. He has a family and parents of his own, who haven't even done you the courtesy of introducing themselves. A firm 'not allowed anymore' to requests from him is not unreasonable. If he tells his parents, and if they are curious, perhaps they will talk with you. Even if they do I think the answer should still be no. Your children need to know they come first.

Momofthreeloudkids Sat 13-Jul-13 02:14:19

I agree with you homebird8 my children do need to know that. My three year old should not be experiencing bullying and most definitely not in her own home! If they come over I will explain my reasons but I will not be willing to have him back here.

kali110 Sat 13-Jul-13 02:18:36

I feel so sorry for this lad as sounds like he doesnt get any attention at home, and he seems to like you. He isnt your responsibility though and your kids are more important. Maybe he has a younger brother/sister and has been pushed out? Would explain why he doesn't like younger kids and why he would say he didnt have any siblings! It is worrying though as he does sound strange and clearly doesnt come from a stable and living background, who dumps their kid on someone they've never met???if your jids was going to new neighbours for hours on end surely you would meet them?very strange indeed.

AgentZigzag Sat 13-Jul-13 02:19:14

I would agree with your DH that if they want to know let them do the leg work. If you go over it could be construed as confrontational, plus you're involving yourself more than you want to.

To offset any guilt you feel, just keep an extra eye out for anything suss going on. The woman saying cheers with the beer to your DH says she's not bothered who sees her doing that, so what she's like behind doors is anyone guess. But you can't let the situation into your own house when there's no chance of getting away from it (because they live literally on your doorstep).

Your DD sounds lovely smile my DD1's the same and so protective over DD2, it's reassuring to see. They do test out arguing boundaries between them, but it's harmless and DD2's learnt to give as good as she gets grin

ChasedByBees Sat 13-Jul-13 02:42:27

I think that's the right approach.

Whothefuckfarted Sat 13-Jul-13 08:53:54

Just say 'not now dear' in a really friendly voice every time. poor kid.

toomanyfionas Sat 13-Jul-13 09:53:14

I think you have been very kind and patient, and are handling it very well.

MrsTomHardy Sat 13-Jul-13 10:43:44

I would ddfinately be consistent and just keep saying No.

RenterNomad Sat 13-Jul-13 14:01:39

Trouble is, now that theparents are "used" to not checking where their son is, will they know he's not at yours?

Not your responsibility, I know, but it might be wise to let the parents know he's not with you, so they have at least a chance to do something with that information.

LJL69 Sat 13-Jul-13 17:23:04

I think you have been remarkably patient. You have done what you can and given it a go. BUT your kids are the priority and I fully agree that your DD should not be bullied and not in your home! As a member of the general public your do have a responsibility to inform the relevant authorities if you actually see or hear of any n eglect or maltreatment of the boy. But the responsibility ends there. Your responsibility lies with your own children and family values first and foremost. If you have alarm bells ringing in your head re this child's behaviour then you are 100% right to end his contact with your children. Been there and didnt with horrible consequences x

Homebird8 Sat 13-Jul-13 22:18:44

I'm just wondering whether his parents knew , or cared, he was with you so much in the first place.

cosydressinggown Mon 15-Jul-13 00:28:38

I think you are doing the right thing, protecting your child. You're also protecting your oldest from having her relationship with her sister weakened, and learning some pretty bad behaviour.

I know the SS mention had people up in arms, but if you suspect she is drunk in charge of the child or neglecting him in any way (like leaving him with strangers, which is classed as neglect) then I'd have no hesitation about calling them or NSPCC. You don't want to be one of those neighbours who says 'Yeah we always thought there was something a bit wrong there, but we didn't like to say'.

In the meantime, though, I think it's a very good idea that he is not allowed to come and play. Quite apart from the behaviour, I think you need to have your home as a haven and have invited guests or occasional visitors only, not someone running in and out all day long, and the situation sounded like it would only escalate.

Kiwiinkits Mon 15-Jul-13 02:08:11

He sure sounds persistent! I agree with the 'don't explain' approach.
There's a parenting tip I learned recently which is that a child will hear the first five words you say and the rest they hear as 'blah blah blah blah blah blah blah'. So all of your polite explanations are falling on deaf ears I'm afraid. Just say, 'no, I'm sorry but DDs will not be playing today. Thanks Billy, goodbye' and shut the door.

Doitnicelyplease Mon 15-Jul-13 02:29:13

I have read the thread and agree the boy sounds very annoying and acting out of order but I really can't understand that the OP or her DH do not want to go over and introduce themselves to the parents? I am in North America too and everywhere we have lived the other neighbours have come over to give us a pie/cookies or similar welcome gift.

Surely the OP would be better to get to know them at little bit (without even mentioning their boy's behaviour) just so if anything escalates later on or he starts pestering again they are not complete strangers?

Also just chatting to them face to face you might get a bit more of an insight into his life/behaviour/what they are like etc than just speculating on here and IMO it just a polite thing to do isn't it?

PeriodMath Mon 15-Jul-13 03:24:15

What an awful imposition on your personal space OP. I couldn't bear it for a single day and think you must have the grace of a saint to have tolerated it this long.

I feel sorry for the boy who is clearly being neglected but it's not your job to be his mother. Especially when he is so hard to be around.

Poor you.

Momofthreeloudkids Wed 17-Jul-13 05:52:27

@ doitnicelyplease These parents didn't introduce themselves to us their second day here when they asked us to watch their child. The mother didn't introduce herself when she hollard from her balcony for me to watch him again the next time. Other than holding up a beer and saying good morning to my DH they have not spoken to us or even said hello in passing. Yet the neighbourly thing for me to do would be bringing them pie? Really? People who couldn't be bothered to find out my name before dropping their child off like I'm a free nanny service. No thanks! I think that would just reinforce the assumption that they can take further advantage of my good nature. I think I have been polite enough to them and their child. Speculating and venting on here is just a form of release but thank you for the advice. I can see where you think that's the right thing and normally I'd agree with you. However, in this case I disagree.

CrabbyBigBottom Wed 17-Jul-13 13:47:44

Any further trouble Mom or do they seem to have got the message now?

Momofthreeloudkids Wed 17-Jul-13 15:59:05

@ crabbybigbottom so far so good. He hasn't came back since I told him he can't play here.

Boomba Wed 17-Jul-13 16:17:03

i dont think i could just ban him and then ignore the situation

Can you express your concerns to the school?

i know that your family are your priority and he is not your responsibility...but people minding their own business is how children slip through the net sad

Momofthreeloudkids Wed 17-Jul-13 19:51:17

@ Boomba I'm not even sure there is a situation. His behaviour is strange, the parents getting me to watch him without knowing me is odd, my DH thoughts on the mom having a drink in the morning is just his opinion but lMO not worthy of calling authorities. If I was sure or seriously suspected something I would in a heartbeat but I won't just because I think they are odd. As for banning him - I did what I had to to protect my 3yr old. My DH thinks talking with the parents will not help. I choose to respect his decision but I do not feel I'm ignoring the situation. I made the best decision for my children.

Boomba Wed 17-Jul-13 20:11:31

i didnt mean to criticise you....i would have 'banned' him also, if he was repeatdley mean to my dcs

CrabbyBigBottom Wed 17-Jul-13 23:48:05

Glad he's stopped hassling you. Hopefully he'll find friends in the neighbourhood or at school.

Doitnicelyplease Thu 18-Jul-13 02:07:30

When you put it like that I am sure in your situation I wouldn't want to bring them pie either! The situation does sound odd and they have definitely taken the piss with getting you to watch their child without even introducing themselves.
Glad to hear the the little boy got the message. Hope the rest of summer break goes well for you.

FreshLeticia Thu 18-Jul-13 23:25:55

Surely Mom, it is glaringly obvious that this is not normal behaviour and that the poor child is either being sent out of the house or is going out voluntarily because he is not welcome at home. His parents are clearly neglecting him and do not want him around, whether they are heavy drinkers or not.
His behaviour with your daughter is because he does not know any better - maybe he is a victim of violence himself. Victims often vent on those weaker than themselves.
If this happened to me I would be sitting him down and talking to him about his home life and situation and possibly contacting the social services to investigate as well.
Try and get to the bottom of the situation - you may be able to help a child here.

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