Sorry, another wedding one

(240 Posts)
Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:09:42

My Sister In Law is getting married next year and my wife is going to be a bridesmaid. We have twins and a 3rd who will be 2 and 5 months and 1 and 5 months.

We are all invited to the wedding ( good start lol)

Whilst discussing the wedding Sister in law said " you will just have to look after the kids whilst bridesmaid duties are being carried out"

I will never have a problem looking after my children but think that she had not thought about the situation.

We live an hour and a half away, so I can't look after the children at home. There is no way children can be looked after at the brides house, as there will be too much going on and not enough room.

I am left to look after the children for 3-4 hours before the wedding and get them ready for the wedding with nowhere to go.

My wife says forget about it but I am all too aware that we will get to the date and I will be left to just get on with it and will have to struggle on the day.

I have said if a solution cannot be found I would rather stay at home with the children than go and have a struggle of a day.

Am I being unreasonable on 2 counts- one with my sister in law for her couldn't care less attitude, and one with my wife for saying just ignore it?

CrapBag Tue 02-Jul-13 22:11:33

Why can't you leave for the wedding later with the kids?

CMOTDibbler Tue 02-Jul-13 22:14:12

Just book a hotel room for the night before the wedding, and for that night. Then you've got somewhere to be.

NatashaBee Tue 02-Jul-13 22:14:18

Why can't you just travel separately or stay over in a hotel nearby?

grobagsforever Tue 02-Jul-13 22:14:34

Crapbag I'm guessing only one car? But seriously op, man up. Cafe? Park? Drop your stuff at venue and explore.

Are you fully aware of what the arrangements are?

If you are that far away - wouldn't your wife have to stay the night the night before the wedding?? I mean doesn't the getting ready start very early?

Surely you could travel separately? Or arrange for you all to stay the night before? Aren't there any other family/ friends close by who you could hang out with for a few hours?

You seem to have jumped to the decision not to go, where there are a number of other solutions.

I think Y would BVU not to find a workable solution to this, as it really isn't a massive problem. Which is why maybe your wife isn't responding in the way you would wish.

Explain to your wife you are concerned about where/ how you will look after them and find a solution. Not going would be very silly IMHO.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:14:47

My wife doesn't drive, and even if she passes her test by then we can't afford a second car :-(

stiffstink Tue 02-Jul-13 22:15:32

Are you planning on travelling 1.5 hours there and back with three under three? What time are you staying till? Would a hotel be easier?

CSIJanner Tue 02-Jul-13 22:15:58

Question - how do you think all those other half's with young children cope when their husbands/partners are best men and helping the groom on the day with weddings being some hours away from home?

My DH has just read this and said "suck it up". I would agree.

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:16:03

Your wife should go to her sisters the night before and you can follow on the next day, leaving home to arrive in time for the wedding so you're not hanging around for ages beforehand.

CrapBag Tue 02-Jul-13 22:16:18

Good point grobags grin.

I agree with grobags. Its a few hours with your own children. You seem to want to be told a solution that you can follow. <cough> typical man sorry.

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 22:16:58

Are you staying away from home for the wedding, or travelling to and from in one day?

landofsoapandglory Tue 02-Jul-13 22:17:12

Isn't there a Premier Inn/Holiday Inn Express type place nearby? Book in there for a couple of nights, it's only about £29 a room.

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:17:20

In the nicest way possible get a grip.

CrapBag Tue 02-Jul-13 22:17:45

So if she doesn't drive then why can't she go with someone else earlier then you can follow, or like others said, get a hotel else you are going to be travelling back late with young children anyway.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:17:56

Hi giant. I have said I want to find a solution but all I have got is don't worry, it will be ok. I want to sort it out now, rather than wait until it is closer to the date and becomes an issue.

I think it needs to come from my wife as it is her family although I have said I will let her sister know what I see to be a problem.

We're talking about 3 toddlers for a couple of hours right??

If push came to shove I'd find a soft play place or park near, let them run around, then change outfits before plonking them in the car.

Really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here OP. Particularly if we are talking about a couple of hours!

ILove - why don't you make arrangements?

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 22:19:54

I'm not really sure what the issue is. Is it that you'll have to look after your children while your wife is busy being a bridesmaid?

numbum Tue 02-Jul-13 22:20:07

Oh dear poor you tries to find tiny violin to play a sad tune but fails

IceNoSlice Tue 02-Jul-13 22:20:23

Put DW on a train for the early morning 'bridesmaid duties' then travel down with DCs later? Oh and - suck it up.

numbum Tue 02-Jul-13 22:20:44

I think there's more to this. Your username is too apt for the thread grin

landofsoapandglory Tue 02-Jul-13 22:21:26

I agree with giantpurple, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. It isn't until next year, FFS and it will only be for a couple of hours. I think you are looking for a problem that isn't there, tbh.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:21:56

We are the only people from this part of the country. We can't afford a hotel even if it is a cheap one. Of course I am happy to spend time with my children and can think of things to do with them, but then getting them ready in the car isn't particularly fair on them.

We would drive there and back in a day - I don't care if I don't drink so that isn't an issue.

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:22:00

Stay at home and be a sulky martyr then, if you make this into an issue with your wife's family they will all roll their eyes and think "knob"

meganorks Tue 02-Jul-13 22:22:39

Well there really is no winning with weddings is there?! I look forward to the inevitable fall outs when I send my own wedding invites.
YABU. The bride and groom cannot possibly think of every possible scenario for every single guest. You and your wife need to figure out what will work for you and your kids.
I don't see why you can't look after and get ready at home then drive straight to the venue if an hour and half away to be honest. Or presumably you are planning to stay close by that evening, so ask of you cam have your room early to get ready

Imagine having to entertain your own kids.

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 22:23:42

Wife gets there by train, you take children in car. Lots of lovely relatives to pay attention to the children. You have a lovely wedding. DW finishes bridesmaid duties and gets to help you. Scenario which happens all the time.

CrapBag Tue 02-Jul-13 22:24:01

You are going to let her sister know what?

That you are incapable of looking after your children whilst her sister is bridesmaid? What do you expect her to say? "Oh ok, I'll hire a nanny for you in a separate room to the wedding?"

FGS, I now echo someone else, here's a grip, take it.

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:24:40

Ok sensible solution. You entertain the children by taking them to soft play for a couple of hours on the proviso that you can dress them at your SIL house 30 minutes before they need to leave for wedding. I don't believe for one minute there won't be a couple of square meters free for you to dress them. If your SIL won't agree to that then yes she is a bit selfish.

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:24:55

YANBU. I have 3, same gaps, and looking after all. 3, alone is INCREDIBLY hard, especially if you haven't got all your gear around you. OP I totally totally get where you're coming from. Personally I think you've got two options. Not go, and stay home with the kids, or (and this would be my preference) shell out to take a nanny/childminder for the entire proceedings. Don't try and do it all yourself. It's too hard and unless you've had 3 under two including the madness of twins then you have no idea what it's like.
Sending you a virtual wine.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:25:28

All of the solutions ( go up the night before/hotel/train that morning) involve money and we simply don't have it.

Bowlers arm, looking after the children isn't the issue. The issue is I can hardly get them ready before we leave that morning and then take them out, and have nowhere to get them ready.

ILove - why is getting them ready in the car not fair on them? You're only giving them a wipe and changing their clothes. I'm potty training at the moment so have to do this with DS. Or we might find a toilet somewhere.

I can understand 3 is hard, but they are still quite young. It's not like you need a dressing room for them.

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:26:46

This really is a non issue though, be carefull you don't start to look like you are deliberately trying to spoil your wife's enjoyment of being a bridesmaid.

Drop wife off
Take kids to park
Take kids for something to eat
Take kids for mooch around <insert local area of interest>
Take kids to shopping centre or similar place with clean and spacious public toilet
Get you all changed, faces washed, hair combed
Go to wedding

Fucking hell could you really not work that out for yourself?

MildDrPepperAddiction Tue 02-Jul-13 22:27:41

Your username says it all. They are YOUR children for God's sake. If you were best man at a wedding would your wife complain about having to look after her own children for a few hours?

You sound incredibly childish. I'm glad I'm not your wife.

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:27:58

Ok what would be YOUR ideal solution?

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:28:24

God I'm laughing at changing 3 babies! The only way you can really do it in a car is in the boot with the others in their seats. Otherwise they run off/vomit on each other/eat muck etc.

numbum Tue 02-Jul-13 22:28:25

ifcatshadthumbs makes sense!

CrapBag Tue 02-Jul-13 22:28:48

Debsndan are you being ironic? You would hire a nanny or childminder to cover a few hours of nowhere to look after your children?

ilovemyself (yes apt name) look at places nearby where you can take them like soft play, go there early and get them changed before you leave. Its not rocket science, it really isn't. Getting them ready involves changing clothes.

strawberrie Tue 02-Jul-13 22:29:40

Where's the wedding being held? If its a church, they are bound to have a side room/ hall you could make use of, definitely so if it's a hotel...

cornyblend37 Tue 02-Jul-13 22:29:56

get them ready when you arrive surely

can't you ask one of the other guests to help you?

Debs - that's kind of the point - 2 are strapped in while you sort one out. I thought that would be obvious with 3!!

DontcallmeSteven Tue 02-Jul-13 22:30:28

Your wife gets the train/a lift the evening before or first thing in the morning. Ask one of your friends to come over in the morning to help you get the children ready. Ask another family member/mutual friend invited to the wedding, who's not directly involved with the wedding party, to help you wrangle kids when you arrive.

cornyblend37 Tue 02-Jul-13 22:30:41

Will your PIL be there...will they help?

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:31:35

Ehric he's doing it with three babies! He's outnumbered straightaway - and presumably will be hulking a giant triple pram thing too. Go to park? They all fuck off in opposite directions. Go to eat? Commandeer 3 high hairs and get them all to sit nicely. Place of interest? WTF? The eldest will be two years old!
Honestly you don't have a clue.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:31:37

Crapbag, you have missed the point. I am more than capable of looking after my children (and thanks debsndan for recognising how hard it can be with the age gap)

The point is if the children are in the house as the bridal party are getting ready they will be all over the family. It will be stressful enough for them as it is without the children in the way, and the excitement level in the house will only add to the children's excitement.

Ifcatshadthumbs. I will put that suggestion forward thanks.

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:33:15

Crapbag no, deadly serious.

landofsoapandglory Tue 02-Jul-13 22:33:28

Does your MIL not live near to the wedding venue, or maybe your DW have an Aunt/cousin/relative etc whose house you could go to for an hour or so while your wife gets ready and you can get the kids ready? If everyone else is local there must be somewhere you can go!

ILoveMyself - I think it's less about putting these suggestions forward, and more about YOU taking responsibility and sorting out what YOU are going to do (possibly with the help of others) to sort out YOUR children while your wife is busy.

Don't make this your wife's problem, or your SIL's problem. You will end up looking U and a knob.

Decide what you think is best and rope in/ speak to whomever you need to. But it is YOU who shoudl make these arrangements

scaevola Tue 02-Jul-13 22:34:13

Is it really that hard to look after your own DC for 4 hours?

Why do you need suggestions? You need to take the proper responsibility for this yourself, rather than expecting someone to save tou with a golden suggection. Thinking about what your DC like shouldn't be that difficult. Then look at the place you're going to and work out what is there that you fancy doing with them.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:34:39

Ehric. I think debsndan has hit the nail on the head. With 3 under 2.5 year olds you try it. If it was 1 or even just the twins I would be fine but with 3 it just adds to the stress of what should be an enjoyable day

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:35:12

Drop DW off
Go for lunch/snack in local pub/hotel
Use toilets at said hotel to get kids ready.
Or - check as there may be a side room, or other family members staying at the venue so you can use their room.

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:36:17

I've spent the last couple of years on the edge of rage at the well meaning smugness of those who have never done what we do.

landofsoapandglory Tue 02-Jul-13 22:37:31

Do you never look after all 3 on your own then, Ilove? Does your DW?

DontcallmeSteven Tue 02-Jul-13 22:37:41

I can see that getting three young DC ready would be stressful, lord knows I struggle getting one toddler dressed sometimes, she's whipped her clothes off before I've even turned my back.

So do you have any friends that could help you?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:37:46


It's NOT going to be an enjoyable day for you. If you start from that premise and understand that you are doing it so your DW can support her DSis and so the DSis can have her nieces and nephews at her wedding, then you'll get on better. You are "at work" that day, effectively.

Does that feel better?

Debs - I don't think anyone is doubting how very hard it is, but people are balking at how the OP doesn't seem able to take responsibility for this and sort something out. Instead he sees it as SIL/Wife responsibility to sort it out, or he just won't go.

Sokmonsta Tue 02-Jul-13 22:38:07

Your wife can stay at her sisters the night before (you drop her off). You can get the children ready in the morning and meet them at the church. All you need to do is have confidence in your ability to parent your children. You've got plenty of time to learn their routine if you genuinely don't know it by now.

If in doubt ask your wife to help you lay out the dc's clothes before she goes so you can be sure what they are wearing. Shoes, hair bobbles (for girls), socks, underwear. Everything. Make sure you have a fully stocked change bag if necessary. Get the children changed last thing before setting off to avoid calamitous spilling of drinks/food.

I know I am guilty myself of thinking dh can't do x, y or z with our 4 dc. But the truth is he manages just fine in his own way. It just happens to be different to mine. I spent 2 weeks in hospital after our twins were born and if dd's hair wasn't as neat, ds's nails were not trimmed, the dc's clothes were mismatched, I simply had to suck it up myself. He was doing the best he could.

Nanny0gg Tue 02-Jul-13 22:38:58

Are there no family members, not in the immediate wedding party, who can help?

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:39:30

Yes there will some excitement but that's ok excitement on a happy day is a good thing! Unless it's a studio flat you will be able to keep the children out of the brides hair for 30 minutes while you get changed and probably better that they get to see mummy again right before the wedding rather than as she's walking down the aisle behind the bride!

Is there more family close to sil that would lend you use of their house to entertai, feed and change your children? I'm guessing sil is your dws sister, where is grandma in all this?

If your wife wasn't a bridesmaid, what would you do?

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:39:56

How do you change three babies in a toilet? Seriously? Cos unless you've got a triple pram, in which case it won't fit. If you have a double and the 1 year old in a sling, you'd have to put them in a back carry to change the other two. Or do you just ask them nicely to sit still???

Is the problem that you are imagining your dc now? Rather than next year? The older two will be able to change shirts themselves by then and the younger one will be able to stand still while you change theirs.

Really, how much more 'ready' does a toddler need to be than having a clean top on? and, preferably, exhausted from running round park or soft play so they sleep through service & speeches

Please don't make this your wife or sil's problem. Don't rock up at sil's house on her wedding morning with three toddlers. Just make a plan -yourself -and let them enjoy their morning.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:42:07

Giant. It's not my problem or my wife's problem individually. It's our problem to sort out. But the assumption that I can just disappear for several hours and get the children ready out of the back of the car has been made and it isn't as simple as just taking 1 child off for the morning.

And leaving 2 strapped in the buggy whilst you are getting the other ready is hardly fair on them.

The SIL will be getting ready at the PIL house so they will be busy with their duties.

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:42:27

Take pushchair in, change one year old, put one year old back in pushchair, change two year olds.

That's why I suggested a hotel - more spacious facilities. But checking out baby friendly websites for places with a baby change room might be better.

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:43:24

Ilove, they'd be strapped in the buggy for a few minutes apiece.

Given my recollections of your previous threads, I'm out.

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 22:43:33

You have 3 toddlers it will of course be a full on stressful day at some points but that is life with 3 toddlers. No magical solution is going to present itself that makes attending a wedding with 3 under 3 a relaxed and enjoyable affair.

Don't worry the time your children are teenagers friends will be on their second marriages and you can attend relaxed and enjoyable weddings.

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:45:14

"Is the problem that you are imagining your dc now? Rather than next year? The older two will be able to change shirts themselves by then and the younger one will be able to stand still while you change theirs."

Haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaa! PMSL! They'll be 29 months old! And even if they could change their shirts themselves, two year olds aren't known for their reliability or compliance, especially in the company of other toddlers! God I'm crying laughing at how piss easy you think it is!

Just another thought. It's a year away right? Can you seriously not save enough for a local b&b or a travelodge in a year? You're probably talking £40 tops. It would make your morning so much easier.

Your wife has asked you to look after the kids while she goes to be bridesmaid .... to your SIL. A very important day.

What you do while your looking after them, is up to you. What do you think your wife does when looking after them?

I guess it is both of your problem, but it doesn't even sound like you have tried to come up with a solution. Have you spoken to any of the other guests and asked if they can help? I assume they are your family as this is a family wedding.

Also, as a complete aside, as it really doesn't matter to this post - but I don't understand why leaving 2 strapped in a buggy for 5 - 10 minutes while you change the other is unfair on them? I assume they spend longer than that in a buggy on occassion and entertain themselves with books and toys (or get a bit grotty about it and try to get free). I admit it's not ideal. but I don't understand how it's not fair, and think that's a bot of projecting.

KrazyKurls Tue 02-Jul-13 22:48:16

For goodness sake

"And leaving 2 strapped in a buggy while getting them ready is hardly fair on them"

It's hardly neglect, don't put fancy clothes on them my DD wore a romper suit to a wedding in April. A packet of baby wipes and 3 changes of clean, comfy clothes should do the job.

And yes I've had 3 under 3

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:48:17

Giant. Sorry. I didn't mean that I will shirk my responsibility and just leave it up to them. I just know what weddings are like and how if you say the slightest thing wrong you are a party pooper or trying to cause an issue for the sake of it.

I don't know the area that well so they would be better at suggesting places to go. And I still think that getting 3 hot and sweaty children ready for a wedding from the back of a car or toilet is far from ideal.

These are the op's children. Do people with three young children not look after them alone, ever? Surely, when you opt to have lots of children you get used to the idea that at some times you will be juggling all of them on your own?


<backs away from the thread>

There was actually a missing t from my post. I meant t shirt. Which my 20mo can do if he knows he'll get a chocolate button in return but hey, I only have one child (damn my faulty ovary) so I can't possibly be allowed to comment here. Especially not with, like, actual suggestions.

KrazyKurls Tue 02-Jul-13 22:51:10

Pack a picnic, go to park.

Put them back in car.

Take one out of car seat, wipe, change, strap in buggy.

The ceremony is were the fun begins.

Atruth makes a good point. Travelling up the night before and staying in a cheap hotel would surely be possible this far in advance?

ILove - you've had plenty of suggestions.

I suggest you talk to some of the other guests and see what you can sort out. I'm sure you can come up with something that works for you.

Even now, there are plenty of alternative suggestions coming from people on here.

Leave your wife and SIL to enjoy this time, and don't expect them to sort this out for you.

Longtallsally Tue 02-Jul-13 22:52:09

I cannot believe you have had such a hard time here, Ilove. Three babies under 3, in a strange town, to get ready for a wedding, with just the car as base!!!

So, have I got this - you get dressed at home, then drive 1.5 hrs with wife in car and babies in the back. You drop off wife 4 hours before wedding (what time is the service) and then . . . .

Agree with those who have suggested soft play centre to wear them out, and feed them/change nappies/get dressed there. (20 minutes to get there, 2 hours max at soft play centre on a Saturday without going mad!) Sleep time probably then, so into car/pushchair and drive/walk to car for them all to fall asleep (another hour asleep/walking in fresh air/feeding ducks etc) 20 mins back to the wedding and you are nearly there - as long as no one vomits on you/themselves/their twin!!!

Could you ask your sil to locate a friendly family/relative/friend, who might help you at the wedding, so that if one of the babies needs you - (thinking exploding nappy in the church or screeching loudly and needs to be taken out) someone else can hang onto the other two, whilst you take out the messy one.

Best of luck. Having survived this thread, and stayed calm, you will be fine on the day!!

However, a few practical questions - church or registry office? Reception venue a distance from there or nearby?

mellicauli Tue 02-Jul-13 22:53:24

I think people are being a bit mean here and underestimated the logistics of 3 really little ones.

Your wife should make her own way to her sister's. She is a grown up after all and should be able to get herself from A to B. Combo of lifts (from you & the family)/ public transport and taxis should do it.

ATruth - I'm with you. Backing away now.

It seems no suggestion is going to be good enough, and will also incur the wrath of Debsndan.

OP - take my advice, talk to some of the other guests, they must be your family too. Find a way and suck it up. Hard as it will be, it's never going to be a walk in the park with all 3. Not going will make you look like a prize knobber.

Thank you Ehric. I'm glad someone appreciates me grin

And Giant. I'm suddenly popular grin grin

Eilidhbelle Tue 02-Jul-13 22:55:54

OP, you've had plenty of suggestions here. Over to you now. Your wife could make her way up there the night before, leaving you to get the kids there at your own pace. Problem solved.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 22:56:14

Landofsoap. I regularly look after all 3 on my own. That isn't the issue. The issue is that I am in an area without the facilities I would usually enjoy and I want my children to look their best on this important family day.

Glaikitt. If she wasn't a bridesmaid we would plan to get ready, drive there, and arrive just before the ceremony.

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:56:29

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged your suggestions are from the perspective of one child. And with the greatest respect it's another, much quieter and logistically simpler planet, which is why your suggestion was so, er, daft.

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:58:19

(The shirt one, not the Night Before one.)

landofsoapandglory Tue 02-Jul-13 22:59:03

I don't think you will be happy until it is organised to suit you and someone gives you the moon on a stick as well, tbh!

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 02-Jul-13 22:59:28

<nips back in>

You want your kids to look their best... And yet your alternative to them having the odd hair out of place is not to go at all?

<runs after ATruth>

Cherriesarelovely Tue 02-Jul-13 23:00:37

Sounds very stressful. I really would focus on your wife getting there by earlier by train for example and you following later. I wouldn't fancy juggling all those little ones with no base and in an unfamiliar place. The picnic/park idea is a good one but only if it isn't raining.

My suggestions were about planning in advance and thinking about what the children will be like, not what they're like now. Not panicking basically! I also suggested that they dont need to be particularly 'ready'. Seriously, what do you think should happen? Should the wife not be allowed to hang out with her sister for a morning? Does the op not have time to plan something himself?

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 23:01:20

Put forward the suggestion of dressing the children at SIL place 30 mins before the wedding, if your told no (which I do think would be unfair) then come back. Until you've put forward at least one solution given here then this thread could go round and round in circles.

<realises she was supposed to have left>

<dashes after Doctrine>

kinkyfuckery Tue 02-Jul-13 23:02:24

You can't save up £30 in a year? Maybe it's time to rethink no 4 then?

BackforGood Tue 02-Jul-13 23:04:36

I'm stunned how mean and rude people are being to the OP, presumably simply because he is a man.
There is no way I'd want to entertain 3 x under 2.5 yr olds, in a strange town, with no room / base, whilst keeping them clean, and not getting to the stage (before the wedding has even begun) where everyone is fraught, irritable and grumpy. It's one thing in your own home with all the equipment you need, space you need, and distraction things you need, but to travel with them all for 1.5 hours (this suggests lots of sick to me before you even get to the town) then 'hang around' without anywhere to go for 4 hours, then turn up at a wedding looking all beautiful is not something any of us would want to do, surely ?
It makes a lot of sense if I were him to have some kind of plan in place ahead of the day and not just turn up to see how it goes.

OP - If it were me, I honestly think I would see if there is anyone who would look after them on the day of the wedding, and simply go and enjoy the day. They are not going to get anything out of it.
I realise that that might not be possible for you, so the next thing I'd do is ask your SiL / PiL if they can think of anybody - friends, neighbours, colleague, relations - who would let you go round to their house for the time inbetween you dropping off your wife and going to the wedding. That way you will have the space to play with them (without getting rained on or muddy), you will have room to change them (and you) if need be, and everything would be a lot more relaxed. I could think of loads of people I know that would do this for me if I had nieces / nephews in your situation - it's not like you are asking them to babysit, you will be there, you just need a house to stay in for 3 or 4 hours.

I hope it works out for you smile

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 23:05:26

Just doing the dates then, at the moment OP, the oldest your kids could be right now is 23 months and 11 months. They may well be younger. You poor bastard you must be utterly knackered! Hang in there, it does get easier but the first couple of years are utterly overwhelming. Cut yourself slack and don't go or take (lots of) help.

MerylStrop Tue 02-Jul-13 23:08:26

Google some play barns/nice parks in the area

Ask if you can go to any of the following to get them changed: bride's house, bride's mother's house, bride's brother/sister's house/bride's friend's house, mil's house, mil's neighbour's house. Someone will find you a house with a loo and a sink and a room you can change them in and let you give them lunch there. It's what people do.

Give over and stop being such a wimp

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 02-Jul-13 23:09:16

Actually good point kinky if the wedding is a year away then that is plenty of time to save up train fare for your wife to go down the night before (or give someone petrol money to collect her) or book a cheap travelodge.

It's a year away loads of time to sort this out (if indeed you do want a solution)

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:09:44

Giant purple. I don't want my wife or SIL to have a bad day and am not trying to make it otherwise. It is just a place I don't know so some suggestions from them would be a nice help.

Longtailsally. Thank you for understanding the issue I have, and providing a bit of support.

Landof. I don't want someone to sort it all for me. I just need some assistance as I don't know anything about the place, and it is my wife's side of the family so she would know who could assist if anyone.

Thedoctrine. It's not about a simple hair being out of place. I would like to make sure they are clean presentable and after soft play and lunch they will not be at their cleanest. I would give them a bath at home but in the back of the car it would have to be a festival wash!

Eilidhbelle Tue 02-Jul-13 23:11:15

OP, why why can't your wife get the train there the night before, and leave you to make your own way from your own house on the day of the wedding?

MerylStrop Tue 02-Jul-13 23:12:10

Sorry...this is Next Year???

I'm with your missus on this one.

Op, why are you ignoring those of us who've suggested saving for a hotel room?

Longtallsally Tue 02-Jul-13 23:13:11

Agree with Backforgood - and if SIL doesn't have any friends/family who can offer you a room/base for 4 hours, then could you ask if the reception venue would let you hire a room an hour or two in the morning for a small fee (£10?) You wouldn't be sleeping in the beds, so no work created for the hotel, but you could hang out there with a box of toys/get the kids changed/bathed/fed whatever . . . .

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 23:13:35

Yes but look at how old the kids are NOW? He won't have slept properly since about 2010!

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:14:39

As I have said to the doubters, I would rather there be no issues and that I can go and enjoy the wedding with everyone else.

Debsndan - they are currently 16 months (twins) and a 4 month old. And I love every second of it.

And Backforgood. Thanks. Good to see a friendly face out there :-)

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 23:15:56

Gosh that's young! And I think for us it got worse before it got better!

Good. You want to enjoy it. So are you going to take any of the advice you've been given?

<realises she is really, really crap at leaving threads>

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:18:03

A truth. If saving was so easy we would. I am struggling to pay the bills as is having been out of work since April, and having found a job I will be worse off so god knows how I will make ends meet! We don't all have disposable income!

I love the idea of asking the reception venue if the use of a room would be possible. That is a certain avenue I will follow.

Eilidhbelle Tue 02-Jul-13 23:18:24

Ilovemyself - you are being ridiculous. You clearly don't want a solution to this, you just want to...hmm, I don't know...guilt trip your wife or fall out with your SIL.

Grow up.

landofsoapandglory Tue 02-Jul-13 23:19:27

You've got 13 months to save up for a cheap hotel. Surely you can find £5 a month to save.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:19:45

A truth. You can stay. :-) will answer your points if the comments didn't keep flying in lol.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:21:13

Landofsoap. When your outgoings are more than your income even £5 per month is kind of hard. And I don't drink (apart from the odd present) or smoke so no money to be saved there

Google is your friend here op

It's over a year away. I'm suggesting saving less than a pound a week so that your wife and the sahm to your three under three can relax for a morning. Is it really impossible?

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:23:26

Eilidh. Far from it. I would love this to be a simple happy family occasion. My wife won't be guilt tripped into anything. You are welcome to your opinion I don't want a solution but I can assure you that you are wrong on that point.

Ah. Ok. You're being nice now. In that case I will point out that all of my suggestions have been meant kindly. Time is on your side. I hope you find a solution.

BlameItOnTheBogey Tue 02-Jul-13 23:23:59

I can't see the issue. Just find something to do nearby - even if it is a cinema for a few hours. Drop off wife, take kids to do/ see [whatever] and then dress them in the car and show up. Where is the issue here?

BlackeyedSusan Tue 02-Jul-13 23:24:42

what time of year is the wedding?
what sort of car is it?

it is possible to get children ready in the car. change nappies in the car/potty in the car. (but do not be in the middle of potty training at the time.) I can't vouch for 3 under 3, not having done that, but do have a car sick child to change. nappies aare done in the car, clothes kept in the boot, changing mat on the front seat, cream wipes and sacks in the glove box. one was strapped in while the other was sorted.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:25:20

Atruth. As I said, our outgoings are more than our income, and I will be even worse off when I get back into work. If it were a simple book a hotel room I wouldn't have needed to even start this thread as we would have done it already :-(

Eilidhbelle Tue 02-Jul-13 23:26:11

Ok, well then, why not get your wife to make her way there the night before?

By the way, this is the third time I've had to ask. I really would love to hear your reasons why that's not possible.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:27:12

A truth. I never meant not to be nice. I just come across as an arsehole most of the time when I am really not that bad. Type before thinking what it looks like. That's me lol


Where's the wedding? If it's near me you can get them ready here.

[Softy smiley]

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:31:34

Eilidh. Sorry, so many comments coming in I have not meant to ignore the question. For me to drop her off the night before means an extra £40-50 in petrol. Rail fares are not cheap. A second car is a no no And a hotel is financially not an option. As I said, our finances are a real struggle at the moment so I don't see any of those options working.

I would prefer to get the children ready at home or in a hotel room and go straight to the ceremony but I can't see financially how we can do that.

3 kids that age, that is like battling the Andrex puppies and a 12 pack of lose toilet roll! grin

I feel for you and see your dilemma. How about taking them to the swimming pool, and change them there? You dont need to swim for long, but you all get a proper clean up, and a chance to change all your clothes.

Hang on, how do you shower three babies in an open plan communal shower area.....

Scrap that idea....

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:32:46

Are you in the midlands as that is where it is lol. Have probably given too much away already if anyone that knows me is on here

Changeasgoodas Tue 02-Jul-13 23:33:35

OP, you really do seem to be causing yourself unnecessary stress by worrying about this now when it is a long way ahead and all sorts of things could have changed by then. Perhaps your current stressful situation with having been unemployed and then taking a salary cut while having 3 babies that need supporting is raising your stress levels so that small things that can be problem solved become blown up into big problems for you? Are you looking to try and control life with certainty because things have been so uncertain for you?

From my reading, no one has said that you have to take the DC away from the house, just that you will have to be in charge of them - and you have decided that they will get over excited at PIL house? How big is PIL hse, is there a garden? Surely Bride will mostly be in between bedroom and bathroom getting ready. Are you really sure that you haven't interpreted "you need to look after them at our house" to mean "you have to take them away and magic up a room for them to get ready in".

You also need to drop your worry about how they are going to look, it is really not important, no one is going to notice, eyes are not on you and your DC on this day.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:33:46

Quintessential. If you can find me a pool that allows one adult with 3 under 3's I will do it lol.

decaffwithcream Tue 02-Jul-13 23:36:23

"We are the only people from this part of the country."

That just sounds fantastically spacious grin

Good luck with your wedding arrangements.

Eilidhbelle Tue 02-Jul-13 23:37:13

Nope, that's a load of rubbish. I work an hour and a half away from my house, so drive three hours a day. It does not cost even NEARLY £40 for a single train ticket.

I'm out! Good luck everyone else.

Debsndan Tue 02-Jul-13 23:37:52

So for a short while you had three kids under one year? Holy shit. I think it's probably harder than triplets. And at least with triplets no one tries to tell you how piss easy it is and where you're going wrong!

KrazyKurls Tue 02-Jul-13 23:38:21

I'll give you that I can't find a swimming pool that allows both DH and I to take our 3 swimming!

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:38:52

Changeasgood. If the weather is fine then we could possibly play in the garden. But the children will want their mum, or grandma, or want to go indoors and I don't think it is the ideal place to be looking after them - I don't think it's fair on the bridal party at all as they will have enough to worry about.

And perhaps I am just too picky, but I wouldn't feel happy taking them to the wedding if they didn't look their best.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:41:27

Debsndan. No 3 days before the twins 1st birthday :-). I love it. My wife wants more but I want her to rest her body first!

squeakytoy Tue 02-Jul-13 23:41:41

What about all the other wedding guests. IE family of the bride.. can you not go to them with the kids?

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:44:40

Hi squeakytoy. This is why I would like my wife to ask. I wouldn't know who to start with

Jan49 Tue 02-Jul-13 23:44:43

So how much would a family room in a B & B cost for one night? You seem so sure you can't afford it but you've got a year. If your car needs repairing it's likely to cost more than 1 night B&B and you won't get a year to save up for it.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:48:16

Jan49. If the car needs repairing I have friends that help with the labour and I rob Peter to pay Paul for the parts.

As I have said, I have more going out than coming in. I hope it will change, but hope is no guarantee. .

Jan49 Tue 02-Jul-13 23:53:29

I just think you are going to have to go on spending money for food, clothes and bills, so if you put £1 or £2 a week aside for a year it wouldn't make much difference.

Ilovemyself Tue 02-Jul-13 23:57:15

Jan49. I know where you are coming from, but I really need to spend every last penny on those that I owe money too.

Thanks for all of the helpful suggestions, the understanding and those that realised I wasn't actually being an arse ( atruthuniversally - that's you that is lol)

I think bed is in order as I am sure I will be up soon to feed our youngest.

Asheth Tue 02-Jul-13 23:57:58

Train fares can be cheap if booked well in advance. You might be surprised what sort of a good deal you can get.

Otherwise I think you've just got to grit your teeth and do the best you can with a park or soft play. It will be hard. But it is just one day. And if it helps to make a special day for your SIL and your DW then surely the effort is worth it.

Didn't you say your sil will be getting ready at her parents? Any chance you can go to sil's house (presuming she doesn't live at her parents that is)

longjane Wed 03-Jul-13 08:43:47

I am loving all this children need to look there best

do you know how much the nice clothes will cost !!! how much you suit will be
and how much the bridesmaid dress will be
and then when you are told about hotel room you go on about the cost

you will not have fun dad y at the wedding
your job at the wedding is to look after your kids before and after wards
you have a year to scout out the area find the parks and soft play areas

not sure why you want to bath 3 kids and your self in middle of the day with out help

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Wed 03-Jul-13 08:56:12

I don't understand why you can't dress them at home and then go? What am I missing. I'm a bridesmaid soon and my DH will be looking after our 3 including the baby whilst I get ready at a different location, Nothing special about that

soverylucky Wed 03-Jul-13 09:05:49

You seem to have a very defeatist attitude. You are not the only person to have three very young children and there are many single parents out there who look after 3, 4 or 5 children on their own with no money day in and day out.

I grew up in a large family. Kids love chaos and for one day it does not matter.
I would be inclined to do one of the following.
Take them to the brides house and just let them play. Unless the bride lives in a shoe box it isn't really an issue. Yes it will be chaotic but it is part of the fun. Bride will be in her room getting ready anyway.

Option 2

You drop wife off then you go for a walk or picnic or soft play. You can google the place before you go to get ideas or ask on mumsnet for anyone who knows the area to make some suggestions.

Option 3
You leave later with your wife. When I got married I did my own hair, got dressed and bridesmaid turned up at my house about ten minutes before the car left for the church.

I don't think an hour and a half is a long drive and I am sure you don't too. I also can remember many an occasion where my sisters, brothers and I had to get changed in motorway services or out of the back of the car for various family events etc.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Wed 03-Jul-13 09:06:55

dunno if I am missing something but why can't dw go to sisters to get ready maybe even stay there night before. you carry on at home get kids ready and leave in time for wedding? seems simple to me but maybe as I said I am not understanding why you have to be out of the house.

soverylucky Wed 03-Jul-13 09:07:46

And to add - a one and half hour train ride - as pp said - booked well in advance will cost hardly anything. Wife could get the train up the night before or the morning leaving you to drive up later with the kids.

raisah Wed 03-Jul-13 09:14:41

Its next year so plenty of time to start saving for a hotel. Start browsing early & you will be able to find a good deal at a premier inn or travel inn or similar.
I booked a £29 room at travel inn for my brothers wedding so it can be done. I also went off for a few hours in the morning to the salon & my dh managed ok. Got them fed, ran around the park for a bit, bathed, changed & light lunch before collecting me at 12pm to go to the venue.

So now that you know to do put the plan in action & impress your wife with it. She will be busy with het sister so please dont stress her with expecting her to think for you. You are a grown man, tell her the plan I've just given you and see how she reacts.

From your post it sounds like you want it to be an issue and you want it to be about ypur wife abandoning you for a few hours with the kids.

Babieseverywhere Wed 03-Jul-13 09:19:19

As an alternative to a train ticket, coach travel is a lot cheaper. My friend's 18 yo travelled from London to the North West for less than a tenner !

Your wife can travel up the day before the wedding and stay over with her parents or sister. You get up get everyone ready at home and travel down to get there in time to attend wedding.

Maybe practise getting all three children bathed and dressed and in car, a couple of times nearer the time, if you are worried about timmings.

Babieseverywhere Wed 03-Jul-13 09:30:48

Ps. I would travel with children in vests only or bibs over the dressy clothes.....young children are prone to throwing up when it causes maximum chaos, lol.

You'll be fine it won't be easy or terrible, it will be somewhere in the middle.

I take out my four on my own daily. Whilst I only had three under four years OR four under six years, so not the same as twins.

But I always found the under three's much easier to get dressed, I.e. carry and dress them myself than the nagging to get an older child to 'come back here and get dressed' but ymmv.

<looks sideways at my 4 yo dirt magnet)

TenToWine Wed 03-Jul-13 09:34:09

i think a single train ticket booked well in advance for a 1.5 hour journey will not be much more expensive than softplay for 3 kids.

cleoowen Wed 03-Jul-13 09:41:25

Arrange for wife to get to sisters somehow herself and then you get kids,ready at home and drive there in time for the wedding. Could you ask another family member around to get,ready at yours, help with the kids and then give them a lift to the wedding?

Perhaps your wife could take one of the children, the one which is best behaved and can get on unsupervised with her so you only have two.

It's only for a few hours, I think you ll manage.

Wylye Wed 03-Jul-13 09:44:39

Surely there will be lots of family members staying in hotels/B&Bs locally, could you not go and use their room to get the DC ready, after a morning of playing elsewhere? Even better if any other relatives live locally.
I'm sure someone would be willing to let you in for half an hour, just to give the DC a once over and dress them.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Wed 03-Jul-13 09:48:20

You've said a couple of times you would like to enjoy yourself at the wedding.

I think this is the big problem.

You are not going to be able to enjoy yourself. You are going to be run off your feet. It is going to be a long day of hard work.

This is part of having three tiny children. Sometimes you make sacrifices. It's a shame but this is how it goes.

Moaning about it will only achieve spoiling DW and DSIL's days as well. There is no need for that. So suck it up.

Wallison Wed 03-Jul-13 09:49:39

I really don't get how, in the space of the next 12 months, you would find it impossible to save up £30 to pay for a hotel room to stay in the night before.

Ilovemyself Wed 03-Jul-13 09:51:36

Morning all. For those that didn't post last night:

SIL lives with parents
We only have one car and no one else from the family live in this direction 1.5 hours from the wedding.
Our income is less than our outgoings. We are struggling financially so saving/hotel/train/coach isn't really an option.
It's not about my wife "abandoning me". I love the time I spend on my own with the children and do it regularly.
I don't know who to speak to in the area, or where anything is.
And yes, I do want my children to look their best at what is an important family occasion.

Ilovemyself Wed 03-Jul-13 09:54:12

And my biggest gripe was that I asked for ideas as I know no one well enough or the area and all I got was don't worry about it - it will sort itself out. If I don't make plans then it will be a nightmare.

ipswichwitch Wed 03-Jul-13 09:57:39

Maybe your wife's parents could collect her the day before. Or ask if the venue can provide a room for a short while to get the DC ready in - we asked for a place to bf DS at a wedding when he was tiny and the dress I had to wear was really not bf friendly ( practically had to take the damn thing off each time!). They were very helpful and gave me an empty conference room for the day.

Antibridezilla Wed 03-Jul-13 09:59:43

This thread makes no sense to me. If you can't afford to save for a hotel for 1 night or a one way train ticket for your wife in more than a years time, how the hell are you going to afford to pay for your wife's bridesmaid dress, the hen do, clothes for the children 'to look their best' in, a wedding present, drinks on the day etc.

It seems to me the 4 hours entertaining your kids is the least of your worries and you are using this as an excuse to avoid going all together.

DontmindifIdo Wed 03-Jul-13 10:04:18

My suggestion would be you drive your DW up the night/day before, then you return home. You get the DCs ready at your house in the morning and just drive straight to the wedding venue. Minimum fuss. Minimum expense.

Or take them to a park nearby, but not in their wedding outfits - wipes should be enough to clean them up if you've not done anything silly like give them messy food, and get changed in the car.

Babieseverywhere Wed 03-Jul-13 10:04:40

Ask the sister to pay a tenner for a coach ticket....I'm sure she will be happy to pay it, to stop you moaning and to ensure your wife will be at the wedding.

LaQueef Wed 03-Jul-13 10:07:23

Why is your income less than your outgoings?

That's completely unsustainable. Do you want to post or pm me your budget and have us go through it?

DontmindifIdo Wed 03-Jul-13 10:09:22

oh but you need to go and make the effort, otherwise you will forever more be "[DW's name]'s useless husband who couldn't cope with his own kids for a couple of hours." - your DW will be justifying your behaviour while people give her sympathetic looks throughout the reception (as extended family will ask her where her DCs are, this is a family wedding, people will be looking forward to seeing your DCs and they will be missed.)

oohaveabanana Wed 03-Jul-13 10:13:19

Honestly, your wife is right - you don't need to fix this now. In a year's time your children's needs will be very different, and you'll be able to make a better decision as to what is/isn't possible.
If it was me, I'd work on saving towards the cost of a train/coach ticket for your dw so she can go up early. It's the easiest option, and saved over a year for somewhere 1.5 hours away that really shouldn't be untenable. One beer less, or an extra meat-free meal a week, and you'll be there.
If you do have to go up on the day & waste 4 hours, I think you've had lots of perfectly feasible suggestions, but you need to realise that:
a) This WON'T be a fun day for you. You will be wrangling 3 small children so that your dw can support her sister. Don't expect to enjoy it, and everything will be easier.
b) You may have to make some compromises to your high standards, such as leaving 2 children in car seats/buggy whilst you dress no 3, or turning up at the venue looking less than perfect. I suspect this will make your life easier anyhow.

If you try and organise the logisitics of your children at this stage with PIL/family/friends you will look a bit strange (it's a bit me, me,me about a very non-essential element of the wedding) - but if you/your dw in 6-8 months time asks round the local family/friends, I'm sure one of the them will be happy for you to go there for a bit (if not the full 4 hours) to get the kids changed, and even give them lunch.

oohaveabanana Wed 03-Jul-13 10:18:47

I've just checked train fares for a journey from here to my parents house - 1.5 hours drive away - for 3 months time. Cheapest advance single costs £6.

Have you actually checked how much it would cost for your dw to travel up on her own, OP....?

cleoowen Wed 03-Jul-13 10:19:25

It's a wedding and unfortunately they cost money. You cannot attend without spending money that's just the way it is. This is what I think is making you argue against any idea suggested.

I get that your outgoings are more than incomings but as you said it's an important family occasion and you are just going to have to accept that money will need to be spent. You are analysing it trying not to spend any money. Once you accept this you will find your solution. You also need to accept that you will need to save if you want to make your life easier on this day, if you can't save then you will have to suck it up and it might be a but hard for a few hours on the day. You can't have,it both ways.

IMO the cheapest solution is for you to just take,the kids to sil and keep them out the way best you can or take them out and then get them ready on return.

Or, this is what I would do. Wife gets train, lift, coach whatever to sil and you follow after in car arriving just before wedding starts. You're only paying for this fare and petrol. I don't think you can make things any cheaper.

midori1999 Wed 03-Jul-13 10:30:07

You either don't really want to go to this wedding at all, or you're just not very resourceful.

You are complaining that getting 3 DC ready in the car or in toilets etc is 'not fair on them', it will take half an hour at most, it's hardly the end of the world. It's also probably not fair on them to drag them to a wedding where they are likely to get bored and tired either, or take them supermarket shopping or anything else we have to do on a daily basis that they find boring, but people do that all the time.

Of course, it's not ideal to have to wipe them over with baby wipes and get them changed in a car or wherever, but they won't be 'looking their best' after being dressed for half an hour and wriggling to get away in the church/ceremony venue either, so I really just wouldn't worry about it.

When you have DC you end up doing all sorts of things with them you'd really rather not, that's just part of having them.

KenAdams Wed 03-Jul-13 10:30:59

Why not Google to find out where things are? That's what everyone else does.

Advance train fares are very cheap. Look into that option.

Department stores sometimes have big baby rooms. Get the kids changed there. Don't see what's so hard tbh.

Antibridezilla Wed 03-Jul-13 10:32:07

There's probably not much point in trying to persuade the OP he is being unreasonable.

His user name says it all and, judging from his previous posts, he likes nothing better than making a mountain out of a mole hill and showing off his children.

SoupDragon Wed 03-Jul-13 10:39:51

The wedding is next year!

Take them to soft play.
Get them ready there.
Job done.

itried Wed 03-Jul-13 10:44:04

Go onto the National Childbirth Trust website where there is a section for local branches. Use a postcode local to the place where the wedding is happening and send an email to the local branch, asking for local info on somewhere with good baby changing facilities.

Otherwise, Google is your very good friend.

Squitten Wed 03-Jul-13 10:48:28

Honestly OP, this isn't an army manoevre!

If you REALLY have no alternative but to all drive up in the morning, why not drop your wife off and then take the kids out BEFORE they need to be ready so they are out of the way for the bridal party. Get them fed, let them get messy and then take them back to the house and get them dressed for the wedding. Stuff them into car and go to wedding.

No drama required!

ILove - why are you back on here? People have given you a myriad of different options for you to consider, have you done anything about any of them?

As one poster said - this far in advance is a bit of a weird time to be worrying about it, but if you want a plan, and want one now, do some googling and sort one out.

I honestly think this is why your wife was, as you see it, a bit flippant about it. It's very far in advance, and really isn't the biggest of issues to sort out.

Your original post said AYBU for being annoyed with your SILs and Wifes attitude. I say yes YABU - it's not the SILs problem and she is focussed, quite rightly on her wedding and having her sister be bridesmaid. Your wife is more flippant about it for the reasons suggested above.

The line in your post "I have said if a solution cannot be found I would rather stay at home with the children than go and have a struggle of a day" suggests that you are being very precious about it.

- it's a year away, you have plenty of time to sort something
- you are essentially saying that your wife's family wedding is not important enough to put yourself out, or struggle, as you put it
- as posters have said here, there are plenty of options to think through and have a go at arranging, and your willingness to choose not going over all these says a lot
- it suggests that you cannot find a solution on your own - which I find mind boggling. Are you unable to talk to your (your wifes) family? Or google a bit about the area, or ask someone directly such as SIL of MIL for some suggestions?

Bowlersarm Wed 03-Jul-13 10:56:05

OP I really think you are looking for reasons not to go. Would it be an option for you not to go to the day do, stay at home with the kids. Get a babysitter to come late afternoon and meet your wife at the evening do without the children.

landofsoapandglory Wed 03-Jul-13 10:58:10

But you do know people near the wedding venue, PILs, SIL, whoeverILs. If SIL is getting ready at PILs house it can not be that far from the venue. Just ask someone what you can do with the kids, FFS.

Man up!

curryeater Wed 03-Jul-13 10:58:42

I don't think you want to go. You think that lugging 3 children about in a strange place while trying to keep them calm and clean is a massive clam bake and will not be remotely enjoyable for any of the 4 of you.
I sympathise with that position, but not with you trying to make out it is impossible.

If your dw wants you all there, you have the choice of saying either:

a. my darling, this will be a very tricky day for me but I will do as you wish because I love you very much and recognise all the times in which you have supported me and so I do this willingly so the family will be together on this special day (and you find a way to cope; not to like it, but to cope - a million suggestions on this thread);

or b. My darling, I love you very much but this request stretches me beyond my capabilities and while I completely support you being a bridesmaid I cannot physically support you by bringing the dcs on the day. Please know that I am with you in spirit and wish you and the happy couple a marvellous day but I think it will be better for the four of us to stay and home and wish them well from a distance.

Ilovemyself Wed 03-Jul-13 11:18:39

Thanks for the suggestions which I will be looking at. It is good to see some on here dont jump down your throat at the slightest reason.

And for the comment about my previous posts on here, I have been nothing but polite, and have learnt the errors of my previous posts so judge me on now and not then.

Laqueef. Thank you for your offer. I may well. PM you later

Finally, what I never said at the beginning was my wife doesn't even want to be a bridesmaid as she thinks her sister is making a mistake but is only doing it out of sense of duty.

I will gracefully leave this thread now and not respond to anymore comments

Antibridezilla Wed 03-Jul-13 11:34:08

I realise you won't respond to this but people have been judging you primarily on this thread as you are making a huge mountain out of something really mundane.

If you tell anyone now that you won't be going to a wedding in a years time because you can't manage the logistics of your 3 children they will think you are insane. Is your user name your middle name as it seems very apt?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Wed 03-Jul-13 11:55:12

First name Drip?

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 12:12:40

Agree with curryeater
Op. you have my sympathies. It won't be easy but not only is it do able, it's something that IME is done by mothers /wives ALL THE TImE.
On countless occasions I see women doing the work of child care, staying sober, being organised, sacrificing rest or play, while their DPs get pissed and enjoy themselves at social occasions.
Literally happens all the time.
So that might be why there's a "suck it up" tone to some of the responses.
Lots of good ideas too though.
Hope all goes well OP.

carrymehome Wed 03-Jul-13 12:50:35

I have 3 under 3 and a 6 year old and did this not too long ago at a wedding DH was being an usher at. I literally did dress them all in the car after mooching around all morning at the local park. It was fine. Not ideal obviously but we dealt with it. Kept DD2, DS1 & DS2 in the carseats with suitable snack items and a drink while I helped DD1 get dressed. Did her hair, wiped her face and hands (and any other mucky bits) as bath was had the night before, strapped her back in. Then did the same with DD2, then DS1 minus the hair and then finally DS2. Drove to the venue, took out the triple buggy and met DH there. Bag was packed the night before.

I took toys etc for them to play with in the car to keep them entertained and I don't think any of them were distressed. Not sure why this is so hard and I do things like this on my own with them all the time. Its tiring yes, but that is what I expected when I decided to have 4 dc.

They all looked gorgeous and I had many compliments throughout the day at how well turned out they were and many were shocked when I said I had dressed them in the car.

I think you are trying to find reasons not to go probably not helped by the fact that you are not very supportive of the couple.

Jan49 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:12:17

What puzzles me most is that the OP is convinced he won't be able to afford a train or B & B overnight with a year's notice to get something cheap or save and can't possibly put aside £1 or £2 a week til then but also says on the subject of more children: "My wife wants more but I want her to rest her body first!" So he's confident they can afford more children?confused

Shootingstar79 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:12:23

Have you visited the money saving expert forum? If not, have a read through the debt free wannabe threads. They have some really good advice re budgeting and your options.

I too would find it hard with 3 to get ready for a wedding from a car! Soft play and changing them there sounds like your best bet.

whoneedssleepanyway Wed 03-Jul-13 13:14:40

Ilove the simplest solution is for your wife to make her own way there by train in the morning and you arrive with the children later on just before the ceremony so you can get them ready at home and then you can all travel back together.

I note your comments about money but 1.5 hours is not miles away so whilst rail travel is expensive it isn't like you are travelling the length of the country, and it seems you would be able to find the money to take all 3 to soft play or a pub or whatever so put the money you save from that towards the train ticket. I know you say finding £5 extra is a lot but if you booked a ticket now you can make a big saving on advance fairs.

TarkaTheOtter Wed 03-Jul-13 13:39:53

Just my reading of this: OP you are being manipulative to your wife. You want her to sack off her bridesmaids duties and drive up with you just before the ceremony. This is the "solution" you want her to find for you.
But she knows you pretty well and isn't falling for it this time.
If the roles were reversed what would your wife do?

CaterpillarCara Wed 03-Jul-13 13:46:11

Places I have changed my children before events:
- at the event (get there early, in hall or toilets)
- at a nearby pub
- at a nearby soft play
- at a nearby park
- at a nearby library
- in a cheap hotel room
- in the car
- beside the car in a parking building
- at a nearby friends
- at a nearby museum

There are a million solutions.

landofsoapandglory Wed 03-Jul-13 15:01:54

Jan49 I totally agree!

oscarwilde Wed 03-Jul-13 15:06:35

Can't be bothered to read the whole thread over something so silly. 3 kids under 3 at a wedding - sounds exhausting. Save for a babysitter and have a day off would be my advice. Might be nice to take your wife down there for the day, read the paper somewhere quiet and enjoy the wedding instead of doing crowd control with 3 toddlers.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 15:11:50

Agree with tarkatheotter

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 15:12:55

The children are attending the wedding oscarwilde

cheeseandchive Wed 03-Jul-13 15:31:33

it just adds to the stress of what should be an enjoyable day

well yes, children tend to do that. But it isn't your special day, your job is to facilitate your wife and her sister enjoying the day. You're a supporting act and I don't think you like that very much.

I really can't believe you are making this so difficult for yourself (and your wife). You want a plan handed to you on a plate.

Why don't you call SIL or PIL and find out what places they recommend? Why don't you get on google? Why do you make this whole experience as enjoyable for your wife as possible by letting her know it is all in hand? You certainly want us all to know how capable and involved you are, but you're not doing anything to prove it in this situation.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 03-Jul-13 15:57:16

"I am left to look after the children for 3-4 hours .... I will be left to just get on with it and will have to struggle on the day."

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting - what kept you?!

carrymehome Wed 03-Jul-13 16:04:38

I agree with jan. I'm pretty sure a 4th child will cost more than a B&B.

Being a parent means having to struggle sometimes. You are very controlling OP. Betting my bottom dollar that you wouldn't have given a second thought if it was you being best man and your DW having to manage with the kids.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 03-Jul-13 16:05:44

Oh, and "I just need some assistance as I don't know anything about the place, and it is my wife's side of the family so she would know who could assist if anyone."

There's this new thing called Google, right ...

NatashaBee Wed 03-Jul-13 16:07:05

Betting my bottom dollar that you wouldn't have given a second thought if it was you being best man and your DW having to manage with the kids.


I can understand you not feeling you can cope with 3 children - but it sounds like you're actually trying to guilt trip/manipulate your wife into cancelling too, which is very unfair. I understand it won't be much fun for you to wrangle 3 kids whilst she does her bridesmaid duties, but I'm sure she's had to do the same for you on occasions.

oscarwilde Wed 03-Jul-13 16:18:31

Emily The children are invited. That does not mean that they have to attend. They are all under 3, it's not like they are going to have a fantastic fun day out and join in the dancing well past their bed-times.
Mostly though, the OP is just being a wet weekend and a selfish git imo.

oscarwilde Wed 03-Jul-13 16:20:35

Apologies OP - that was a bit strong. I do think you need to man up though and stop stressing about something happening next year. You are right to expect a hectic day though. Try to line someone up to help out with the wrangling so you can at least have a pee in peace

nicelyneurotic Wed 03-Jul-13 16:31:12

Hi Ilove, my DH and I were in this situation recently.

As we had a young BF baby who wouldn't take a bottle I got ready at home and joined the other bridesmaids about an hour before. DH met with some other family members who were at the venue early. Baby had a meltdown anyway but would have been so much worse!

Luckily my sister was very understanding and had other bridesmaids to help earlier in the morning, I guess it depends if your SIL is a bridezilla!

In hindsight a hotel may have been better as baby didn't like the longish drive there, but I would have had to have her with me anyway because of the feeding.

curryeater Wed 03-Jul-13 16:36:10

I have a friend who was on maternity leave with me, twice, and her two are / were holy TERRORS. The big one being 2 while the little one was newborn was, frankly, completely hellacious for her. At least she had friends though.
anyway, she has a great gift for smiling in the eye of the storm and we hung in there together, meeting and propping each other up several times a week. However, whenever her husband went anywhere with us (rarely) he always wanted to go home soon "because [child] is [doing child thing]". He did this on my 40th birthday - she sat down with me to give me a card, he went to the bar and came back with no drinks because he wanted to go home because it was "too stressful". It seemed to me that only when they were out was he even vaguely prepared to get involved and his motivation for going home was to duck out of the whole child thing as usual - while my friend's motivation for being out was to have a much needed change of scene and some company and she didn't want to go home.
Anyway, she left him. Just saying.

nicelyneurotic Wed 03-Jul-13 16:37:25

Actually, just noticed you have A YEAR to save for a B&B.

Do that and enjoy the wedding.

EldritchCleavage Wed 03-Jul-13 17:14:26

Why do these brides want adult bridesmaids to fuss over them all day like ladies-in-waiting?

Why not all get ready together, get to PILs' an hour before wedding, drop your wife and go to venue early, let kids gambol about outside?

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 17:52:19

So, to avoid a father spending 3 - 4 hrs looking after his children the mother shouldn't spend time with her sis before thevwedding.I guess she must never be allowed to go out then lest he be expected to pick up the slack.

And I too imagine things would be different were the tables turned.

Ilovemyself Wed 03-Jul-13 17:58:29

Just to answer those saying that I am trying to manipulate my wife, I know you won't believe me but not at all.

Also, I am more than used to looking after my children and always love to do so. I never want us to leave parties early because of the children, most of the time they are enjoying it anyway.

The children are expected to attend.

And if I was asked to be a best man I would make sure that my wife and children were going to be ok or would politely decline.

And yes, on the day I may at least need a pee. To ask someone to look after one child would be ok but all three is a different matter.

Anyway, they are the answers to some of the points raised. I only came back to answer them otherwise all the negatives would just sit there without answer.

eurozammo Wed 03-Jul-13 18:03:42

I feel you are making a complete mountain out of a molehill, OP.

There are so many options:

save for a B&B and stay there
save for coach/train and let your wife go on ahead
travel up in the car together, take the kids out for the morning and get them changed in the car/soft play/family changing room somewhere
ask someone in the wedding if you can stay over (possibly a tall order, but you never know)
ask someone in the wedding if you can hang out at theirs and get the kids changed there on the morning of the wedding
ask someone at the wedding if you could use their place for 30 mins to get the kids ready and take them to the park/soft play or whatever before that

I'm sure there are others. I just don't think this is the big issue you are making it out to be.

ApocalypseThen Wed 03-Jul-13 18:10:31

The problem with all of those options is that the minimise the OP's role on the day, which is central and paramount.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 18:18:54

But it sounds like your DW isn't expecting you to manage alone.
Is she?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Wed 03-Jul-13 18:21:23


Of course you will need a pee.

That's got nothing to do with whether you are there early or not.

I'm sure the rest of your DC's family will watch them for a minute whilst you pee. Or your DW can pop over from the top table, or may even be sitting with you.

TheDoctrineOfAllan Wed 03-Jul-13 18:22:18

If your brother asked you to be best man, you would decline?

Do you want your wife to decline then?

soverylucky Wed 03-Jul-13 18:23:05

Why don't you respond to the practical solutions being offered?

dippymother Wed 03-Jul-13 18:36:15

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves

Tweasels Wed 03-Jul-13 18:43:49

You can get a travelodge from £21 a night. I'm sorry but regardless of your financial worries, I don't believe you couldn't save that in a year. It's 50p a fucking week.

I actually think that looking after 3 under 3's is hard I get that but you don't want a solution, you want women to feel sorry for you which won't happen here.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Wed 03-Jul-13 18:45:48

How do you think parents who do this on a daily basis pee?

merrymouse Wed 03-Jul-13 18:46:56

Hopefully OP, you are no longer on this thread and rather than consulting a bunch of strangers who know nothing about your SIL's wedding or her guests; you are consulting people who can actually help you, your family, or as you like to call them 'my wife's family'. It sounds like a perfect opportunity to get to know them.

Ilovemyself Wed 03-Jul-13 19:02:21

I did respond to the practical solutions last night.

I did say I don't want her to decline.

And I don't think some of you have grasped the bigger picture about finances. My income is less then my outgoings and I have cancelled everything I can that I am not contracted into. It is hard to save when you can't pay the bills you have already.

I know about dealing with the children on a daily basis I do it now! It is more the fact that it would be simple for people that know the city to suggest something.

And my wife goes out with her friends on a regular basis ( when there is no cost involved) so I don't have any problems with that. Indeed I probably go out a lot less!

Anyway, that's that. I am leaving it now as has been suggested. I will let you know how it goes next year.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Wed 03-Jul-13 19:06:05

Hope you get a toilet break before thn!

soverylucky Wed 03-Jul-13 19:06:53

You respond to everything with that you can't afford it. Have you checked the prices? Could your MIL or SIL purchase the ticket for your wife to get the train for an xmas or birthday pressie? Could you go on ebay and sell some stuff to get the 10 or 15 quid that the coach/train ticket will be?

Bearbehind Wed 03-Jul-13 19:11:50

Just read this and your lack of finances excuse sounds a load of bollocks. Either you can afford to attend this wedding in its entirety or you can't but focusing on child care issues on the morning of a wedding THAT IS A YEAR AWAY AND MIGHT NOT EVEN GO AHEAD IF SIL IS MAKING A MISTAKE makes you look a nutter! You really need to find yourself a grip.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 19:47:10

I'm really really sorry about the financial situation.
That must be hard on all of you.

MammaTJ Wed 03-Jul-13 19:49:41

She is the child free one, so send her by public transport the night before. She can then give the bride the proper support the night before and you can concentrate on the children.

landofsoapandglory Wed 03-Jul-13 19:52:12

Once the actual ceremony is over you won't have to look after the DC by your self.

My niece was a BM to my Sister 3 months after my niece had had her baby. DN's friend had the baby for the ceremony and brought him back for the reception. I bounced him a bit, she did, my mum did, aunts did, friends did, it was like pass the parcel!

You do need to start looking for solutions rather than problems, where there aren't any! I think your DW deserves a medal, you are winding me up on this thread yet she manages to live with you!

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Jul-13 19:56:36

Are you just worried by the whole cost of this wedding?
I mean, unless there's a free bar, it's going to add up isn't it?
paying for bm dresses and all your DCs outfits plus a gift.
A train fare on top of that is nothing really.
If this isn't about not wanting to be the one left "holding the baby" at a wedding then are you actually just having a panic attack about the money?
Would you rather just not go?

Ilovemyself Wed 03-Jul-13 20:45:13

Last one from me ( honest this time) as I have enough useful suggestions and would like to move on now.

Firstly, I hadn't even thought of the cost of the dress. I believe that the cost is not necessarily an issue to the bride and groom so they would be buying the BM dresses. We did ours on less than £3k 10 years ago and included the BM dresses.

I want to go as it is a family occasion

I have no issues with looking after my children but do want some tips on where is good to go in the area. After the ceremony isn't the issue at all, but during and before is what worries me.

And someone earlier said is there a Bridezilla in this case. I haven't seen it ( apart from the way I was spoken about this to but that's what she is like anyway) but my MIL has said she has turned into one.

Right, I am off to look at some threads that I guess are about things that are a damn site more important than my petty rubbish.

kinkyfuckery Wed 03-Jul-13 21:36:12

"do want some tips on where is good to go in the area"

You haven't told us the area confused

curryeater Wed 03-Jul-13 22:00:59

kinkyfuckery, he wants instructions from the wedding party
(and judging by your username, he is certainly not looking to take the kids to the sort of amusements you know about ;) )

Can I just say that I think the OP is having a slightly hard time (though I see why) as if I had twins who were a few months old I might think I never want to leave the house again

ApocalypseThen Wed 03-Jul-13 22:22:11

I don't think he's having a hard time, really. This is an important occasion for his sister on law, and by extension, his wife. All he has to do is watch the kids for a few hours. Not some strangers, his own children. And he has a whole year to figure out how he's going to manage.

Yet somehow, his sister in law and wife are being mighty unfair imposing this massive logistical nightmare on him. He hasn't a word for anything other than how much he pities himself. It's all about the stress on him, how will he enjoy himself, why does he have to do everything, why is everyone laughing at how pathetic and childish he's being, why isn't he the focus of the event...

Emilythornesbff Thu 04-Jul-13 08:31:20

But cost is an issue.
Even if dsisil buys the bm dress there are still outfits for the DCs and for you and drinks and a gift to be bought.
So I could understand why the whole thing would be very stressful.
Possible solutions to your problem of having to look after your children at their aunt's house are: your DW goes ahead (problem: train fare), that you rent a room for about £30 (problem: prohibitive cost), go to a soft play centre (problem: cost).
Although you have shown an interest in the sensible suggestion of asking the wedding venue if you can use a room, you then go on to suggest that you'll not be able to take a piss all day because they'll be no one to look after all three children.
This suggests that the issue is not the bride's or your wife's lack of understanding about busy toddlers in a crowded house but more about you not wanting to go to the wedding because you'll be struggling with the children.
I have sympathy with that but i think ppl will help.

Innacorner Thu 04-Jul-13 09:16:02

Disclaimer - I've only read the first and final page.
But I understand the OPs concern that he'll be hanging around for 3/4 hours before the ceremony with 3 children under 3 and nowhere to go. That's a long time to entertain children of that age - mooching between a park, museum, cafe perhaps - and hopefully not tiring them out so much that they're exhausted (and grouchy) by the time the ceremony starts.
I don't see however why you can't spend some of that time at the brides house, perhaps going out for an hour or so in the middle, - that sounds reasonable to me. And the bride and her entourage ought to accommodate that.
Btw I speak as someone who had 3 under-3's myself, including twins - it was an absolutely exhausting time.

Emilythornesbff Thu 04-Jul-13 09:22:31

innacorner it's the OP who isn't keen on being at the bride's house.
He's wanting the bride and bm to come up with suggestions for alternative arrangements.

curryeater Thu 04-Jul-13 09:35:13

I think the "no money" thing is not a red herring, just because he has a year to save - it's still money that the family could have spent on something else, maybe they never ever get a day out and it is galling to spend luxury money on having a shit time. But I agree, that is what families are about, deal with it

OP, you will be fine. It won't be easy, but you will work out a plan between now and then, and you will be fine, you will get through the first bit on your own with sheer grit and then if you smile and be charming everyone at the wedding will think you are a hero and you will barely have to lift a finger. just roll with it and pack a lot of wipes and oatcakes. 3 years on you will be looking at how little and cute they are in the photos and you will forget that it was hellacious at the time

Ilovemyself Thu 04-Jul-13 09:41:58

Thanks guys. Just to answer the suggestion of going to the brides (PIL) house, she is stressy at the best of times so going there on the wedding morning is going to be a no no. If one of the kids spills something or gets in the way all hell will break loose.

Hence the fact I would rather not take the children into that environment.

All I want is suggestions from them as to where would be a good place to go at minimum cost.

That's all folks :-)

Wallison Thu 04-Jul-13 12:38:30

Why did you come on here then, if all you wanted was that? We can't give you that information, and everything that has been suggested to you has been met with a 'yes but'.

SoupDragon Thu 04-Jul-13 12:56:41

Is it really necessary to be so hostile?

sooperdooper Thu 04-Jul-13 13:07:33

Mountain out of a mole hill!

You've been offered loads of sensible suggestions, which you're purposefully ignoring

You're being childish and clearly want something to complain about and don't want a solution - even though I don't actually think you need a 'solution' - it's just looking after your own children for a couple of hours, next year - get a grip!!

NayFindus Thu 04-Jul-13 14:38:32

I think the OP just wants to get the kids organised without them spilling anything/throwing anything/drawing anything on wife or brides clothing at least until the vows and photos are done.

OP how do you usually keep them occupied? Books? Dvds? Chocolate? Is there anyone nearby SIL who can help you out with a room to get you and the kids ready in? Could you take a rug to a nearby (fenced in) park and just play there all morning with snacks and a few books to sit with in between? You'll need a backup idea if it rains.

Can you not just stay in SIL's sitting room and SIL and wife stay upstairs getting ready?

Will your parents or in laws be around? Could they help? (Sorry, only read first 2 pages).

ovenbun Thu 04-Jul-13 14:56:40

can one of your friends or relatives lend a hand for the morning? Perhaps an aunty or cousin? How awesome would it be if you could say to your wife, ive sorted it all out for you sweet, i will drop u off me and the kids will go to....soft play/country park with ...then we will get freshened up and changed in the loos/shops at....
My mum had 3 of us under 4, as do many cope when you have do childminders or nurserys manage isn't easy but I'm sure your wife would really appreciate you coming up with a plan and being a capable supportive husband on what is a massive day for her smile

curryeater Thu 04-Jul-13 14:58:07

noooooooooooo not chocolate. whatever you do, not chocolate

carrymehome Thu 04-Jul-13 14:58:46

TBH I think the OP is giving his DW a hard time because she has just said it will all work out. If my DH asked me about a problem like this a year before the date, I would probably say the same thing.

I would however start thinking about the logistics a couple of months before. Maybe this is what DW is thinking and you have got your face in a knot because she won't discuss it NOW.

LedaOfSparta Thu 04-Jul-13 15:07:39

Get them changed in the loo at the venue, or the car park. I have done this (alone) loads of times.

This is such a non drama. Do you have anxiety issues maybe?

youaintallthat Tue 09-Jul-13 10:44:10

Hi just wanted to suggest if your finances are as bad as you say why don't you look into going into an iva. My best friend did this a year ago and says it was the best decision she has ever made. Her credit name isn't great at the moment but tbh yours won't be for long if incomings are less than outgoings. In 5 years my friendwill be ccompletely debt free. They take into account every aspect of your life ie kids shopping bills etc but my friend usually has money left over at the end of the month now allbeit not a massive amount. Her car broke last year and they held her iva payment that month to cover cost of repair too. Maybe if the wedding is a year away and you look into something like this you will e able to save for a hotel room.

youaintallthat Tue 09-Jul-13 10:47:39

Yikes sounds a bit like an iva I'm not an iva sales person honest! I know my friend wasnt able to afford day trips before she went into one and now seems more able to do that. Just thought I'd suggest as you seem.worried about finances affecting your ability to attend family functions

primallass Tue 09-Jul-13 10:59:08

It is a year away. Book a cancellable hotel room through late rooms that you don't pay for until the day. Save £3/month to pay for it.

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